#but he was crying because his favorite character had resigned from the organization that the series was based around

[giddlygoat]

my brother can make me laugh without moving at all. he can make me laugh on command, just by existing, and there is no physical tell or indication that it is about to happen. it’s like he can will me to laugh and i will. of course we’re not telepathic, but we do speak in unison sometimes. we improvise like no one’s business. we could fool anyone into believing we are psychically linked. when i try to explain it, i sound silly saying it out loud, but i really CAN tell what he’s thinking. we exchange so much information just with a look. he can make me cry laughing and he doesn’t even have to move

[khadij-al-kubra]

Storytelling, Fate & Happy Endings

I’m still processing last nights episode (CR C2 Ep140), and much like every critter I’m SUPER emotional about it. But something about last night’s events and how they played out really got to me, not just as a fan but also as a storyteller. And even the day after, i was actually crying (still am crying in fact) more than i did last night watching it happen. At first i thought it was because i’m a fairly new critter and this is my first time watching a campaign come to an end. But the more i think about it and process, the more i realize that’s not just it. This effected me as someone who deeply believes in the power of storytelling and how it can not only effect but reflect the world around us. And because I have to get them out of my head, here are my thoughts on why last nights episode was so important, not just for CR fans but also as a an important narrative for right now.

...Yeah that’s a bit vague, isn’t it? Okay, let me explain. If you’re willing to take the time to read fellow Critters, I greatly appreciate it in advance. ^__^

WARNING: Major spoilers for CR Campaign 2 Episode 140 ahead. Also it’s gonna get kind of meta. And long. Because i have a lot of thoughts & feels.

So I think it’s fair to say that, as much as we would’ve been devastated by any of the M9 perma-dying in the last battle, part of us wasn’t expecting them all to make it out of there alive. Not even the players, I think, despite how much they likely didn’t want that to happen. Just look at the half-resigned way Liam talks about Caleb in the last few Talks Machina episodes. Or how, in game, Jester was fully prepare to die trying to stop the city from coming back. And for a while there, it seemed like some of them might not survive.

But then they did. Despite so many crappy rolls throughout the night they stopped Lucien, set free all the souls trapped in Aeor, saved Exandria, and brought each other back from the dead. Not only that, but they also did the impossible: They saved Mollymauk. Their lost friend who had such a deep impact on all of them even after his death. The delightfully charming asshole who was so full of joy and life and who, despite how the world treated him, was happily determined to leave every place better than he found it. Moreover, they almost didn’t succeed! But then they did, all because of teamwork, love and one last minute ditch effort ‘what-the-hell-have-i-got-to-lose’ dice role that none of them saw coming. And now they get to go home together, truly as The Mighty NINE.

Just this once, everybody lived! We got a happy ending!

And that’s HUGE in game...but also think for a second how that reflects outside of game too. Do you realize what a story like that means to people, especially given the year from Hell we’ve all had?

Think about it. This past year the world has suffered. We’ve all been impacted by the pandemic in some way shape or form, either on small levels or large. Our world has been at war with a virus that effected everyone and everything: Our sense of safety. Our health. Our economy. Our families & friends. Our freedom. (in the sense of our ability to travel & just be in close proximity to people without fear, but i digress) Deeply imbedded social and systematic diseases have been brought further to light in the past year and a half largely because of this virus. Some of us have lost people we love. Hell, the pandemic even effected the way that the latter half of Campaign 2 played out because of social distancing protocols. If you further compare this to Campaign 2, the world of Exandria was caught in the middle of a war that started because of social & systematic corruptions that had been rooted in two opposing kingdoms for years. And so many suffered and died because of it.

Then the Mighty Nein comes in. This ragtag group of delightful assholes with nothing to lose; these flawed but inherently good at heart and deeply human adventurers, broken and lost in their own ways, trying to make a home and family for themselves in a world that took advantage of them or left them alone or said they weren’t good enough...and they changed things. 

They grew. They fought back. They found moments of silliness and peace and joy and fun amidst all the strife and sometimes grief. Most of all, they tried. Sometimes out of necessity, sometimes out of spite, sometimes even out of compassion, but mostly just out of love. And in the end, not only did they help people and stop a war for the sake of their loved ones, but they also saved their world from being destroyed by a rotted perversion of life from the past that threatened to consume everything they cared about. AND they STILL managed to bring everyone in their found family back to life. Does it erase the bad and sad things that happened to them? Hell no! But those things don’t negate the fact that in that moment, they made it out okay. That this was a victory and they won!

Think of what a story like that means to people right now.

I’m personally a pretty spiritual person, and much like our favorite clerics, I also believe in a higher power. But whether or not you also believe in a Divine being, the Universe or whatever, every D&D player believes in one thing: Fate. Luck. Call it what you will. But it was fate that made those dice rolls that saved everyone happen. It was fate that not only stopped Cognoza from returning, but also brought Jester and Caleb and Molly back to life, even when it seemed like it wouldn’t work. (and holy shit that gave me emotional whiplash!) 

After everything they went through, both individually and together, the Mighty Nein defied the odd and demanded that Fate let them save their loved ones. They demanded that the world give them back their friend; That they deserved to have their happy ending & get to go home alive together. Just. This. Once.

As a writer, I know firsthand that there are some stories we find and create ourselves, but then there are stories that have a way of finding us. Sometimes a story or world or character from somewhere in the Aether will pop into our minds one day and say, ‘I need your voice to tell my story.’ Maybe this is just me getting carried away with the meta brain again. And like i said, i’m a spiritually inclined person, so I believe in things like Fate and a Divine Higher power writing out the stories of the Multiverse. If you’re reading this (and thank you for taking the time to do so) maybe you do too. Or maybe you don’t. Either way, if you’re a fellow critter, then you’re clearly a fan of good stories and/or playing Dungeons & Dragons. So you know how fate/dice roles have a big impact on the outcome of a story, regardless of how tightly written a setup the dungeon master makes. Given all that and how organically stories tend to play out in D&D, I genuinely believe that Matt Mercer and the whole CR Team were meant to be conduits for a story where the flawed heroes save the world AND all make it home alive.

And I think Fate knew that we needed last nights battle to end like this. After all the crap we’ve been through this past year, we needed this happy ending, deserved it even! Not just us critters, the CR team too. As much as we all like to joke that Campaign 2 was secretly scripted, we all know that’s not true. Yes, the setup storyline and world were brilliantly crafted by Matt, and the character roleplaying is beautifully acted out by the team. But the twists and turns, the direction it goes, and how the game plays out is all up to fated dice rolls just like any other game. And something, some kind of force of luck, some force of fate, some Universal Divine DM out there made the roles happen the way they did last night.

It gave us a happy ending.

I believe that this was meant to happen; now of all times with everything else going on in the world. Amidst all this darkness and rot, both in game and in the real world, in the end of it all there was light and life. A reminder that sometimes people do live. They do get second chances. They do find a new family or reunite with old ones. That sometimes the world can be saved for a time, and happy ending do still exist. Even if it’s not broadcasted on the daily news amidst tragedy reports, or even tragedies that don’t get reported (which sadly are a lot, but again i digress).

Because the thing is, like Beau said, no one else will probably know they were heroes. No one will know what the Mighty Nein sacrificed to save all of Exandria. But they don’t need to know that for it to still be true, for life to happen again, and for a found family of nine broken people who love each other to go home together safe. It doesn’t invalidate that the good things happened. That at least for today everyone was saved. That flawed people were still able to do good because they tried. That they left the world better than they found it and got their own small but satisfying happy ending. Even if only for now, because we don’t know what’s gonna happen next Thursday. We don’t know what the future will hold for the Nein or Exandria when the Campaign ends or even when (hopefully) some loose ends will be tied up in later oneshots. But neither that nor the bad and sad stuff that happened beforehand in the game and in the character’s lives invalidates the fact that tonight they won. They lived.

So why can’t that be true for us in the real world?

I said earlier that, as a writer, I believe in the power stories have to not only reflect but also shape our world. This story is an example of why, but especially this episode, and that’s why i was so euphoric about the outcome. It wasn’t just a game for me, and i’m sure for others too. It was a much needed reminder that happy endings can still happen in real life, just as much as they can in stories. Even when everything seems dark and corrupt and rotten and hopeless, we can still keep fighting. We can keep trying. We can make new families and start over and be heroes in our on little lives in small ways. 

We can leave the world better than we found it. 

And maybe, with hard work, imagination, luck and a little Divine intervention...we can also get the happy endings we deserve.

[dexi-green]

Avengers:Endgame Thoughts !!SPOILERS!!

Just some random thoughts and questions and such about the movie. There are spoilers so…don’t read if you haven’t seen it and care about spoilers. I tried to organize it a bit but we all know that’s impossible.

Okay so..I’m not the biggest fan of the Russo Brothers and what they have done with their Marvel films. There have been some improvements, and some things that just can’t be helped and I just want to make that known first. I don’t really hate any of the films they made, they are definitely enjoyable, and fun, have great moments.

I’ve been a bit critical about how they used some of the big storylines from the comics in the films, because they never felt the same (they never can honestly, comic books and films are different formats, different ways of storytelling) but this honestly is the closest to the annuals. This is the closest to waiting an entire year after reading comics each month, to the big huge event. It feels as big as those. Civil War didn’t to me, Age of Ultron didn’t, Infinity War kinda, but this. This felt huge. Especially when actually watching it.

This is a huge fanservice film. You could probably enjoy it without any prior knowledge, or without seeing all the other films, but god, it’s better if you do. Soooo many little throwbacks and easter eggs and payoffs from the earliest films and the comics. So I highly suggest the other films, I think every single one film has some sort of tribute in this one. (I’m making a list of references and such so I’ll see)

So one of my biggest gripes out of the way…the Joe Russo cameo. It completely pulled me out of the film. The scene itself could’ve been a nice little thing to see what Steve has been up to during those five years but…just watching and listening to what was mostly Joe Russo talking and inserting himself into the universe…eh :/ It’s not like a Stan Lee cameo, he didn’t have a hand in creating these characters and we don’t owe the Russo Brothers as much as we owe Lee and Kirby and Simon and Ditko and Bendis, etc. I think his cameo in Civil War and Winter Soldier was better, he barely talked in WS and not at all in CW, was barely on screen, it was fine. I just felt it was a little too much… His cameo was longer than Stan’s.

Also that was their way of making the “first openly gay character in a Marvel movie.” they even said that, “We felt it was important that one of us play him, to ensure the integrity and show it is so important to the filmmakers that one of us is representing that.” which...is really a cop out I feel. That LGBTQ representation, the smallest line of being on a date, could’ve easily gone to Valkyrie/Brunnhilde’s character, seeing as Tessa Thompson says her character is queer and played her that way (take one look at Tessa’s or Brie Larson’s twitter or some interviews, it isn’t hard to see they support it), and Tessa is actually Bisexual in real life. But whatever I guess...

Though it was definitely funnier than the other movies the Russo’s have done, and DEFINITELY prettier. I’ve had a big issue with the color grading and scene composition in the Russo’s movies. Say what you will, Joss Whedon knew how to make a comic splash page translate to screen, but the Russo’s did...the airport fight scene. The scene’s in their films that did have great composition were pulled straight from the comics (like Steve Vs. Tony, Shield vs. Repulsors) Okay. But, in Endgame it definitely looks better. There are memorable scenes. There are shots that I thought...okay thats art. The end battle had some shots, like Thanos in the foreground pointing his sword, and his army behind him. When Tony was looking out of the Benatar and saw the glowing light that is Captain Marvel. When Okoye, T’Challa, and Shuri walk out of the portal to the final battle, it’s a bit hazy, almost dream like, gives the feeling of Steve seeing them and not knowing whether this was real or not. The colors still look a bit dull in some scenes, but at this point it seems like the Russo’s are resigned to gray and mud and mess to get that gritty “realistic” vibe that for some reason is what people want and not the escapism, fantasy, cosmic stories that comics can be.

I did really like the small nods towards how relationships formed or degraded throughout time, or how people changed, especially during the five years we didn’t see. We got a little nod towards Carol and Rhodey’s relationship from the comics with…a nod and a good luck and a lingering look. Natasha calls Rocket fluffball, I think it was, and says she gets e-mails from him. Bruce and Natasha are on some sort of not dating but close friends terms after hardly interacting in Infinity War. Definitely acknowledging Age of Ultron and not just making it a joke and trying to push it aside. Nebula and Rocket seem to have gotten closer, probably due to all of their friends dusting. Rocket and Bruce seem to be on some level of friendship, or at least acknowledge each others connection to Thor. Okoye calling Natasha, Nat. Carol has been coming to earth somewhat regularly. Tony and Nebula playing the paper football game, her giving him the food even when he offered it to her, (It reminded me of the blueberry bit in the first Avengers) working together to try and get somewhere. TONY AND MORGAN!! He raised a whole five year old kid. He definitely seems like a stay at home dad, especially since Pep is the CEO of Stark Industries.

It’s really nice (and sad) to see how some people’s lives moved forward. How people tried to move on, how all these different personalities coped with the loss. Seeing Cassie has aged was definitely a favorite. Cassie has thought her dad was dead for five years, and for Scott he was only gone for five hours, but he comes back to his little girl as a teenager. At the end, when we see them together with Hope, we know that Scott now has to go forward knowing he missed five years of his daughter’s life, and is probably going to try and make the most of it. Maybe that means giving up Ant-Man, or having her join in (we need Stature, I mean come on, we need another young avenger). But it was nice to see that time didn’t just stand still until the Avengers found a fix. It kept moving forward.

I wish we would’ve gotten a bit more of Wakanda/Wakandans. Okoye was still alive, and I think M’Baku survived the Snap as well, but I don’t think we saw him until the final battle. We only got a couple glimpses of Wakanda. Which I guess makes sense because with both T’Challa and Shuri gone, Wakanda needed leadership (though I’m unsure as to whether Ramonda dusted as well), but it would’ve been nice for Okoye to maybe be a little involved in the efforts to get the stone, especially considering Wakanda is so advanced. Even without Shuri there could’ve been something they could contribute. T’Challa really had like one or two lines basically but okay.

I sorta didn’t like Thanos dusting away. I was a bit off put at the beginning when Thor cut of his head because to me, that was Nebula or Gamora’s kill (though seeing as both Gamora and Nebula seemed somewhat sad after seeing him die (Gamora after she seemed to kill him in IW and Nebula after Thor went for the head) MCU Gamora and Nebula might not want to do that). I understand it though, Thor was angry. At the end I was hoping that Thanos wouldn’t dust so we could get that kill, and sort of mirror Tony’s fear of being the only survivor, but… I guess it’s the writer’s poetic justice. It’s not bad, but I just kinda hoped they would go a different way with it.

I love when the music cuts out and Quill is just dancing and singing to himself. “So he’s an idiot”.

“I bet the raccoon didn’t have to climb a mountain.” “Technically he’s not a raccoon you know?” “oh whatever he eats garbage.” Are they talking about Rocket...or...Thor?

That girl power scene? We love it. “Don’t worry” “She’s got help.”

I love how they pass around Tony’s Gauntlet like a football, trying to get it to the van. But when Peter had it and was thrown to the ground and was curled up clutching it, I was so prepared to cry.

Same with Rocket trying to protect Groot.

No vision. I didn’t really find myself even thinking of him all that much during the film. We got a line or two but that’s about it. It makes me wonder about the ��WandaVision’ show and whether that title was just to throw people off, or if he is going to be in it.

I’d be really interested in seeing more of what happened during those 5 years. Maybe I just want to see more of Tony as a dad? Maybe… But to see how everyone tries to move forward. Like what does Cassie do? Did her mom and step-dad dust to? Was she alone? Did the Avengers check on her? I think Bruce mentions he spent 18 months in a Gamma Lab. I would love to see how he came to terms with Hulk. I would love to see how the Asgardian’s settled. Etc. I think there are some interesting stories there, maybe for future shows or comics or stories.

CAROL DANVERS / CAPTAIN MARVEL

I love that Carol Danvers had a small moment/lingering shot when they were looking at everyone who dusted and she saw Nick Fury. Another little nod towards a relationship without being overt and having her mention to characters how Nick Fury was a close friend. I mean that was the reason why they came out with the Captain Marvel movie before this. So the audience members who saw both would understand Carol’s role, powers, motives, and relationships before so they wouldn’t have to squeeze it all into this movie.

I also forgot that Captain Marvel was even in this movie after the last time they showed her in the beginning because I was so wrapped up in everything else, so when she showed up at the end I was genuinely surprised and excited! They really hyped her up to be the most powerful hero, but didn’t overuse her or make her OP at all. They gave everyone else their time knowing that she has the future MCU ahead of her. I think they spent a good amount of time on the original avengers as this really was their send off, knowing the rest of the characters have future films/shows to shine in. (Which kind of makes me forgive the lack of Wakanda..but still…)

The look on Thanos’ face when Carol showed up, amazing. Her exchange with Peter? Pure and beautiful. And that little *dink* when he tries to headbutt her? Pure comedy.

Thanos pulling the power stone out of the gauntlet to use against Carol was...forgive me...a power move.

THOR ODINSON & LOKI LAUFEYSON

I know a lot of people think Thor’s mental health/PTSD was just played as a joke, but I don’t think it was. I mean there have been times they tried to sweep Tony’s mental health under the rug and times where (maybe just the fandom) treated Tony as a villain for how it showed itself.

Thor didn’t want to think about it. Thor was done. He wanted to drink and forget. He didn’t want people to talk about Thanos, or Loki, or anything that happened. He made a new home for all the Asgardians and then retreated into himself. When we first see him, Bruce stops and asks Thor if he’s okay and tells him that he was in a similar dark spot as well and that Thor was the one who helped him out. It’s a sweet moment, yeah it’s sandwiched by some jokes, but it's there. As is the moment when Thor talks to his mother for the last time. Frigga gives him piece of mind. Let’s him know that she knows what her fate is, that it isn’t his fault, which is one weight off his shoulder. She lets him know that he doesn’t need to be whatever he thinks he needs to be, just to be who he is. He doesn’t need to be an Asgardian King, or whatever else his father wanted, if that's not what Thor wants. Being himself is enough to be worthy. So he fights that final fight (completely okay in the fact that Steve is worthy as well, even saying he knew it! So he must’ve knew Steve was pretending not to be able to pick it up all the way in AOU), he makes Valkyrie/Brunnhilde King/Queen of Asgard, and he goes with the Guardians, because that's where he wants to be.  He’s not being who he is supposed to be, but who he is. Which seems to be someone who wants to have fun and save people who need saving. Which I think is a nice mirror to Chris Hemsworth’s relationship to playing the character. He said that he prefers the fun, comedic Thor that Taika made with Ragnarok, and doesn’t as much like playing the uber serious Thor from previous films. He even said he’d be open to more Thor movies if Taika Waititi was directing.

While I hope we see Thor in Guardians Vol.3, and his story didn’t feel as final as Steve and Tony’s did, he did come full circle. From fighting tooth and nail to be a worthy king, to finally accepting who he truly is and being comfortable with accepting that. Sort of mirroring Loki.

Speaking of Loki...His scenes in this movie were definitely more humorous than anything. I know people wanted a better end for him. I’ll be honest, I liked his end in Infinity War (though I did believe he might still be alive because he didn’t revert back to his Jotun form when he died in IW). But for all the same reasons as Thor. He started feeling tremendous envy and hate for his brother and father, felt the need to prove himself, though he took a very different route than Thor, he got to a point where he accepted who he truly was. A Jotun, and an Odinson, Thor’s brother, Prince of Asgard. So to me, yeah it would be nice to see a different ending for Loki, (if they do bring him back I feel they either can’t kill him or have to kill him for real), I’m content with his entire arc.

BRUCE BANNER / HULK

Bruce has finally come full circle as well. He started off wanting to actually kill himself because of the Hulk, but now he has found the ‘Professor Hulk’ middle ground. He even says he sees it as an ‘evolution’ (X-Men reference/hint maybe??). After Ragnarok and Infinity War, something during those five years lead both Hulk and Bruce to accept each other. Just imagine how happy Hulk was when those kids came up asking for a photo. It’s no longer “Earth hates Hulk”. Hulk is a hero, he has fans! Young kids who aren’t scared. Bruce doesn’t have to be scared of running rampant and out of control and hurting innocent people. He doesn’t need to be locked in a cage. He can be completely who he is without holding back.

Bruce admitting that he tried to bring back Natasha with his Snap…oof.

NATASHA ROMANOFF / NATALIE RUSHMAN/ BLACK WIDOW & CLINT BARTON / HAWKEYE / RONIN

I actually really liked the beginning and how they handled Hawkeye’s story. Him helping Lila with her Archery and her walking out of frame, then when it cuts back to where she should’ve been only some dust particles in the air? Amazing, show not tell. We didn’t need to actively see Clint’s family dust away (honestly it makes it sadder that he didn’t see it either, didn’t know what happened, they were just gone). And we didn’t need a scene of him talking about it. We just got into it. The Ronin story isn’t my favorite but I’m glad too much time wasn’t spent on it and only the parts that mattered were addressed. That his family is gone and he’s angry. Natasha still cares about him deeply and has been looking for him.

Also..who puts mayo on a hot dog?

Natasha and Clint’s relationship is one that I really like. It’s this pure friendship and salvation from the beginning. Clint was the one who made the call to not kill her, but rather show her a different path. In Endgame, Natasha does the exact same for Clint. She takes him from being a ruthless assassin, angry at the world, to fighting for the good guys again. They are family. She is Aunt Nat to his kids, friends with his wife. She knows about his family and ‘secret’ life when no other Avengers did. It’s because of him (and Nick Fury) that she has a family not only in them, but the rest of the Avengers. But it just makes stories like Infinity War/Endgame and Civil War sadder for her because, almost all the other Avengers have a life outside of the team, and have families to go to, but not her. So when they break up, and aren’t talking, she is left alone. No wonder she stays at the compound. When Rhodey is telling her about Clint and she starts crying, it’s so sad, because he was her family and he just left.

Natasha and Clint literally fighting over who gets to sacrifice themself? Big oof. Natasha really makes me like Clint’s character in the films. And as much as I love the “refund theory” of Steve returning the soul stone to Vormir and getting Natasha back, and I would love a better send off (like with Thor) I think her story has really come full circle.

One of the biggest themes I noticed in her arc throughout the films is choice. When she was in the Red Room, she had no choice but to do what she was told, because of what happened there she doesn’t get the choice of having children or not. In Winter Soldier she felt like she felt like the choice of fighting for the ‘good’ guys was an illusion. Etc. But here is the biggest choice she can make, and she decided that she’d rather die so everyone else, everyone she cares about, can have a chance. She wasn’t going to let someone else make that choice for her. She did it despite Clint’s protest. She finally found something, someone she chose to die for. And the imagery of her on the ground not only mirrors her position in Tony’s vision from AOU, but the pool of blood draining from her is almost literally her getting the red out of her ledger like she mentions she wants to do in Avengers. “I’ve got red on my ledger. Now I need to wipe it out.” She has finally atoned for all the bad she has done.

I know she didn’t get a funeral scene or a big send off, but I think that was as to not overshadow or take away from Tony’s. Which is sad. Maybe we will get a better send off in a different film or show. We did get those lines from Clint and Wanda about hoping she knew that they did it, that her sacrifice wasn’t for nothing. Which is small, but it is the person who cared about her the most.

Also...did no one tell Clint and Natasha that they would need to sacrifice someone to get the stone? Surely Nebula knew...

STEVEN ROGERS / CAPTAIN AMERICA

“I can do this all day.” “Yeah, I know.” Even Steve is tired of himself.

Scott: “That’s America’s Ass.”

Steve, later, looking at his own ass on a past version of himself: “That is America’s Ass.”

My mind immediately when we heard Sam’s voice over Steve’s comm: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB1D9wWxd2w

Also on that note... I absolutely love that Sam was the one that Steve choose to carry on Captain America’s legacy. In the comics both Sam and Bucky take up the mantle and I was sincerely hoping Bucky wouldn’t in the films. At least not at first. Bucky has so much interesting story to explore from when he was the Winter Soldier and still has so much healing to do from not only that time, but everything he was thrust back into when he was still settling in Wakanda..and being dusted. In the films, Sam is perfect to be the Captain America of modern times. He knows how the modern world works, he’s been in the military, dealt with war (both earthly threats and extra terrestrial), and I feel he’s emotionally/mentally stable enough for it. Hell he ran a veteran support group which inspired Steve to run a support group for survivors during the five years after the snap. Also, I don’t think I need to get into why having a Black/African-American Captain America in these times is amazing. I would love to see him in a movie, but if we get a live action show on the Disney+ streaming service, I think that would be great.

When they showed someone sitting on the bench, I was like okay that’s Steve. But how skinny and small he looked I thought it was going to be Pre-Serum Steve...but no, we got old man Steve. Which surprised me, it shouldn’t have but it did, because when he left and they couldn’t bring him back I leaned over to my sister and said “he stayed in the ‘40s”. But I had like 1000 thoughts running through my head every second of this movie. (except when the theater fell silent when Tony...ya know) It sorta reminded me of Logan for a hot second...

I’ve seen some people say, "It's not in character for Steve to live a life and not fight".

Every single movie has been building to Steve getting more and more tired of fighting. First he sacrifices himself for everyone else. Then he is woken up to fight in a war, and a world, he barely knows anything about, and starts seeing that privacy and freedom might not mean the same things they use to. That the governments meant to protect the people have even more secrets and lies, and are becoming more violent and ruthless. His whole vision sequence (and basically entire arc) in AOU was about how he needs war and to fight but how he doesn’t want that to be the case. He wants to go home. He wants the 40s. He wants Peggy. He wanted Bucky. He wants a family and a life. It hints that sometimes he may feel he doesn’t deserve it, or that the time for that has passed.

He didn't leave Bucky behind, Bucky knew full well what was happening and didn't seem too bothered. He knew and was happy that Steve had this chance. He loves him and wouldn't keep him from that. More than likely Bucky sees a future for himself as well, just not in the 40s. Bucky could have went back with him if he wanted to. But he didn't. Sam even offers to go back with Steve, Bucky standing right there and Steve says it's okay. Bucky doesn't protest. Bucky is smiling. Plus we don't know exactly what happened. Maybe Steve would have still fought here and there, maybe he did help that timeline/universe Bucky. He did still have the shield with him. Or maybe he was a house husband/dad while Peggy worked. Whatever he did he was clearly happy and content with all his choices and no one protested.

I actually really love this ending for Steve. He finally gets to rest. He finally gets the woman he loves. He can be content knowing the world is safe and that there are others willing to protect it. From the skinny, sick, kid who was always searching for a fight and felt he was (or had to be) alone in the world. He found a family, his love, a life.

TONY STARK / IRON MAN

I really love that for the scene in the 70s they used James D’Arcy to play Edwin Jarvis. He played Jarvis in the Agent Carter show, and I think most people who watch any of the shows know that the shows are payed dirt in the MCU movies. So as someone who loved that show, loved the characters and actors, seeing that was great! It intertwines the show more closely to the films, and it was nice for Tony to see the other man who raised him even for a second. Yeah it would’ve been nice to see Paul Bettany, but I feel he is more connected to J.A.R.V.I.S Tony’s A.I rather than the actual person of Jarvis.

I love that Tony gets a reunion/closure with his father (similar to Thor’s with his mother). Before his own untimely death, he gets to talk with his father and really see things through his eyes and learn what his mind set truly was. Now that he’s a father himself he understands a bit more the struggles Howard had, he knows Howards own self doubts. That despite everything Howard cared, and that Howard’s own father was cruel to him. And they get to share that last hug and is able to thank him! Just like he wanted to in Civil War. He gets to say I love you, and thank you for everything.

Peter says he “got all dusty. Then [he] must’ve passed out”. So like...no time passed for those who got dusted in the snap...

I was sorta hoping Tony would wield Mjolnir as well, but he didn’t :/ but it’s fine. He doesn’t need it. He wields the Gauntlet/Infinity Stones.

Something Kevin Smith brought up that I hadn’t really thought of was that Tony was completely set. While he definitely had regrets and felt guilty, he had a good life in front of him. He 100% could have just lived the rest of his natural born days out with his family and been as happy as he could have been. But seeing that picture of Peter, and knowing all that was lost, feeling guilty, and just being the self-sacrificial man he is, risked it all for everyone else. Knowing it could go wrong, he still did it.

Tony’s scene towards the beginning was the first time I almost cried. After he gets rescued, and they are talking in the compound. He is so skinny and in a wheelchair and hooked up to the IV. Cap starts talking, like he always does, and Tony just is not here for it. This is exactly what he said was going to happen, this was the culmination of all the PTSD and anxiety he has had for 8 years. It happened, he was right. No one wanted to listen to him. People gave him so much shit for Ultron and the Accords and literally everything that he has ever done, and this happens and he (pardon my language) snapped on Steve. It was heartbreaking. Because he tried so hard to prevent it. Steve told him they would lose together but he was alone. He watched the kid he cared about disappear in his arms, had no idea who else he cared about who could’ve done the same, and he was alone in space (well Nebula was there, but..he didn’t know her really, they were forced to get to know each other. Remember she showed up when they were already battling Thanos). He was suffering, believing he was going to die. No oxygen, no food, no water…and when he gets back Steve just wants to jump back in, and get information out of him? No. He has had enough. Steve lied. Sure maybe he didn’t mean to, but he said they would work together and then Civil War happened. He made a decision in that movie to be on the opposite side of Tony. I’m not saying that Steve wasn’t justified in his actions in Age of Ultron, or Civil War or anything after, but just that from Tony’s perspective, Steve was continuously putting other people and things in front of him. He probably thought that Steve would make an effort if they were truly friends, and if he truly cared Steve would’ve done more to salvage their friendship but didn’t. I have a whole thing with Steve and how he acted but I just know Tony was hurt, and one person he thought he could turn to, wasn’t there. And the line he closes out his rant with? “No trust, liar.” That hit like a ton of bricks.

When Tony asks Dr.Strange if this was the one they won, Strange says he can’t tell him or it won’t happen. But later Tony looks at him and holds up one finger, telling him this is the one. He told him because he knows that Tony already knows and has come to terms with what has to happen. Tony knows he has to get the stones and Snap Thanos away, knowing that it could kill him. So Dr.Strange just affirmed it for him. If he would’ve told him earlier, than Tony might’ve thought of a different plan, or thought he could make it out, maybe he would’ve gotten excited and cocky. That also means that from the moment Strange looked into the future in IW he knew Tony was going to die. Yeah he knew Thanos needed the time stone because the Snap needed to happen in the first place for them to reverse it, but he also knew Tony was going to make this sacrifice, and couldn’t die just yet. I always thought that Tony was the key after Infinity War, but now it explains why Dr. Strange’s demeanor changes after that.

I almost cried a lot during this film but I actually cried during Tony’s death and funeral scene. Bookending the entire saga with “I am Iron Man”. How Rhodey goes up to him, then Peter (Tom Holland never fails to make me cry when he’s playing Peter), mirroring the last moments in Infinity War, “We won. We did it Mr.Stark”. Then Pepper goes up to him, and has to look at him and he seems almost...catatonic. He isn’t responding, just staring at each of them. Pepper has to watch her love, her husband, the father of her child, die. But she still reassures and comforts him, telling him he can rest now… and i’m about to cry just writing this omg… Then the light of the arc reactor blinks out and you know for real that he’s gone. Tony leaves a message for them knowing his fate, book ending the film from the message he was leaving at the beginning of the movie, to the message he’s leaving for them now. He loves Morgan 3000. Just knowing over the years, Morgan and Pepper will go back and watch this message. Morgan will grow up knowing her father saved the universe with his own hands. They will probably have suits and old tech around that she will be able to look at and play with and tinker with (because you cannot convince me Tony Stark’s daughter won’t be as much of a tinkerer as him). The “Proof Tony Stark Has A Heart” display is sent adrift in the lake outside their home, Little Morgan sitting with her mom. And every person who Tony has come to know and love is watching. Millions more probably mourning all over the world (and in our universe as well). Tony started as an arrogant, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, rich kid with more brains then he could handle, and become the self sacrificial saviour of the universe. He’s been through the worst things, kidnapped, tortured, betrayed, watched people die in front of his eyes, get hurt because of him, etc. But always was looking for a way to make things better for everyone else. He is 100% the heart of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Robert Downey Jr. is the heart of the MCU. Him and Jon Favreau and Kevin Feige took a chance on a movie that was guaranteed to do the best in 2008, improvised through a film with little to no script and built an empire. Robert is Tony Stark in sooo many ways other than both having rich and famous dads. Tortured, and regretful pasts that they rose above. I cannot sing the praises of this character or this man more. So I will end it here. It will sad to go forward without the character, but we really won’t be. Tony and Robert are cemented in every Marvel film and every film to come.

Thank you to all the creators, crew, directors, writers and actors. Robert Downey Jr., Kevin Feige, Jon Favreau, Stan Lee, Joe Simon, Jack Kirby, Steve Ditko, etc. <3 Thank you!

[theawkwardterrier]

2018 fic roundup

Buffyverse

well tell her that I miss our little talks So Hurry Up and Lose Me, Hurry Up and Find Me (Again) Here We Are, Trapped (But Is It a Trap If I'm With You?) To All Our Histories Which Haven't Yet Happened

MCU

But A Walking Shadow Out of the Frying Pan Hand in Hand, Side by Side to walk to where you are sleeping To The Neighborhood Oh, But Aren't You Already My Darling? By Those Who Show Up Stitch Together In Spirit of the Season Childhood Friends

Veronica Mars

not just about being new (it’s about a change)

1. Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?:

Still not predicting, but probably around the predictable amount? I've gotten a little longer, I think, but I'm writing fewer stories overall, and I've really fallen into a few specific fandom categories - haven't added a new one in a while.

2. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?:

Dick/OC. Dick/anyone was a surprise. I'm generally frustrated and uninterested in Dick, so taking him on as a main character - when typically he's been a side role in my fic at best - is unexpected. I was just really drawn to the prompt.

3. What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?

I'm really proud of To The Neighborhood. I like the POV, I think the character flowed well, it has a particular tone throughout, and everything is built using small details without info dumps. And I'm always a big fan of domesticity too - sweet, settled life is always a joy for me to write!

4. Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

It's weird to say at this point, but I think I've been playing around with AUs a little too much. Here We Are, Trapped (But Is It a Trap If I'm With You?) and Hand in Hand, Side by Side are really prime examples of this: they aren't just timeline changes or ways of placing the characters in similar roles in non supernatural settings, they are way, way big and entire AUs. I really like them conceptually - ya girl loves a good (or not good!) romcom - but they are really quite out of the ordinary. I guess I learned that I kinda don't care - I wrote it because I liked it, and I had fun with it!

5. Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year?

Nah. I finished my Woman Borne sequel, which was the goal I had set at the beginning of last year, and I'm probably just going to resign my work on my too ambitious Chase/Cameron fic, so I'm good.

6. From my past year of writing, what was…

Story Most Underappreciated by the Universe:

But A Walking Shadow. I'm not afraid to say how sad I am about this. I'm really, intensely proud of this story: the writing is good, the characters are good, it's lengthy (for me), it's chapter fic, it's part of a universe I've already worked on, there's action instead of just Emotional Talking - it felt like I did everything right, and it still didn't make a difference.

Most Fun:

Hand in Hand, Side by Side probably - I like Steve/Peggy and a Virtue/Moir AU for them was a blast to write. But I actually had a lot of fun with a bunch of them!

Most Disappointing:

By Those Who Show Up is a little too liberal wonky - too much political talk, not quite enough emotional buildup. To All Our Histories Which Haven't Yet Happened is also a little exhausting and repetitive in concept and would have probably been better if there were more substance between the little stories, but I really like the title, so that helps it out.

Most Sexy:

Steve and Peggy end up in a bed and kiss there in Oh, But Aren't You Already My Darling? so ha ha ha, that is extremely sexy!

Hardest to Write:

They kinda ended up in either the "it took four days from beginning to final edit" category, or the "I'm afraid I might just be writing this for the next several years" one this time around. I took a lot of care with But A Walking Shadow, and I stopped writing Childhood Friends for a while to work on other stuff and there was a point where I couldn't make In Spirit of the Season not incredibly depressing and a piece of Peggy character assassination, but most of my Buffy fics were like this (well tell her that I miss our little talks was the exception - that's why it's listed as posted like three weeks before the rest of them).

Most Unintentionally Telling:

As I was writing In Spirit of the Season, I literally said aloud, "I think I might have something weird going on internally with motherhood."

Choice Lines:

From But A Walking Shadow:

The force of her fingers, the directness of her gaze: for a moment he fears that she is about to kiss his mouth with the desperate confidence he’d felt before he’d boarded Schmidt’s plane. But instead, she leans up and presses her lips beneath his ear. He shivers; he always does, there, and she knows that.

He just can’t think of the noise and the flames, the collapse, when his mind and heart and guts weigh so human inside him.

The anger is worn and so tired inside of him.

"I don’t want to kill you,” says the man, pushing the words out. The soldier's arm, built to last, built to kill, shakes at the thought that he will die gasping. “And I don’t want to die. And I can’t bring you to meet my family like this.” His frame trembles. His eyes are magnified, wide as the stars.

There is such future and fragility in yet.

He remembers the way she fit in two hands the first time he held her, how she sometimes trips downstairs and curls up sleepily in his lap when he comes back from a run early in the morning. He loves her so much. Finally, he hugs her. “Have a good day, sweetheart,” he says, and lets her go.

From to walk to where you are sleeping:

“Enough is enough,” she tells herself most mornings, when she wakes up gritty-eyed and already teary from dreaming. “Enough is enough,” when she wants to tell Steve about her day, when she spots hair like his from the corner of her eye, when she has another lonely cup of tea at her table, when she wants just a bit of his optimism to drive her onward. “It was two years out of more than twenty, it is time to be done with mourning, enough is enough.” And then one night she opens her eyes into the darkness of her bedroom and tells herself, “Enough.”

He is here, he is here: what fragile and disturbing joy.

She watched so many good people die - not just Steve, not just her brother, but the boys who came from her home village, and the sweet air force pilot she’d kissed on the New Year of 1940, and the lady who’d sold ice cream through the Blitz and been suffocated by an improperly constructed Anderson shelter - and perhaps she doesn’t have to turn her grief out of doors and lock herself up.

From To The Neighborhood:

For a moment, she regrets not having one of those emergency call buttons that her daughter Joan (Dr. Oglethorpe hasn’t been allowed to call her Joanie in years) recommends when she makes her monthly call from Columbus, or at least a cellular phone.

From Oh, But Aren't You Already My Darling?:

Steve rests his hands on her wrists, so gentle, and she wants to cry. “Peg,” he says quietly, “can you maybe track me down a pair of pants? I know my legs aren’t really working yet, but I’ve had enough of showing off in a hospital gown for one lifetime.”

From By Those Who Show Up:

“Hell yeah,” says Bucky. “I was over there ten years and only lost an arm. Six months of doing this with you and I’ve basically lost my life.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m thinning up top, Steve, I swear to God.”

From well tell her that I miss our little talks:

(Note to self: start organizing things on the kitchen calendar. Note to self: get a kitchen calendar.)

There's basically cartoony whistling sound, like her optimism is Wile E. Coyote falling off a cliff.

She hugged a pillow against her chest. She’d sign him up for a couple of community college mailing lists; maybe sitting in the back of some dense philosophy class would remind him why college wasn’t for everyone, or at least distract him. Her luck: he’d get all nerdy enthusi-Angel and just double down on the college fun talk. She really missed him. “Anyway,” she recalled herself. “I’m thinking maybe going all in on the spick and span could have something to do with you turning the dial up to Angel on the Broodometer.”

"....You’re allowed to think that you’re worth more than him, even if he was the one with the pulse.”

From So Hurry Up and Lose Me, Hurry Up and Find Me (Again):

Also, Angel has to be worried about being ‘busted, and not just in the Dust way.

How glad she is for him, knowing what he’s been through, knowing for herself how frightening it is to dangle unsupported and exhaust yourself hoping for a loving hand.

When Willow is like this, firm steps and a commanding voice, closed eyes as she puts a hand on the last sorcerer's shoulder, it’s hard for Buffy to hold in her mind Willow shy and sweet at sixteen. But then Will nods to Buffy, and without a thought, Buffy fells the robed woman. They’ve both changed. Neither of them will ever be sixteen again.

From Here We Are, Trapped (But Is It a Trap If I'm With You?):

“No. I’m counting on you to do the right thing for everyone, even if it might happen to include you.” 

From To All Our Histories Which Haven't Yet Happened:

“He was younger than I am now, and older than you would want to be.” 

From Childhood Friends:

Peggy, who had spent the afternoon she received the letter holding the hand of a boy - and he had been a boy - as he screamed and screamed toward death, had delayed replying, as she had not been able to summon a response to such grievances for nearly a week.

That she had spent her childhood at this very house with her dresses in a hopeless muddle and her knees insistently grass-stained, and that Steve had recently seen her in both a wrinkled nurse’s uniform after a night shift and indifferent mourning crepe below a tear-stained face, made her only more determined to put her best foot forward in this encounter.

...and Peggy concentrated on the feeling of his hand in hers, on the heat of him through his jacket, and felt despair and grave hope.

But her husband, who remembered a similar expression on his own mother’s face when he had professed his intention to marry Amanda, upon hearing whose surname even Charles II would have replied “Whom?” pulled her toward himself once more and said only, “Let them dance.”

[acastleintheair]

For @wingheadshellhead! This is my gift to them as a part of the @stevetonysecretsanta gift exchange. This was my first time writing Avengers Assemble, so I hope it turned out okay (I also haven’t watched past the first season oops). (I’m sorry it’s so short. If you like it then I’d be willing to add more?) I know you said that you liked them to be soft... I feel like there’s some softness there, it’s just mixed in with angst because I’m a terrible person like that.

Word count: 935

Summary: It’s Tony’s last day with Steve.

Warning: Major character death

Tony died on one of the first truly beautiful spring days in May. He and Steve spent that last day at their home. Steve played fetch with Dum-E and his siblings in the backyard, throwing their favorite ball (a pink, glittery one he had gotten them one year for Christmas) (Tony laughed until he cried when he saw it) while Tony sat on the patio, sipping a cup of tea as he watched. No more coffee for him; his damaged heart couldn’t take it anymore. Even with the arc reactor, Tony was still vulnerable to old age. When he no longer had the strength to pilot the Iron Man suit, he reluctantly retired, handing the reigns over to the new generation of Avengers. His plan was to remain, play around in his lab and be nearby if his expertise was needed, but Steve neatly foiled this by resigning as an active Avenger, despite the serum keeping him in top shape.

“They need you out there!” Tony yelled, slamming his palms down on the table separating them. “What are the Avengers without Captain America?!”

“They are still the Avengers! For the small stuff, the calls we get basically every week, the team can handle themselves. If something big and world-ending comes I’ll be there for them, but Tony, you gotta remember.” Steve made his way around the table, reaching out to reel Tony closer, tilting his chin up to look in his eyes. “This team, you brought us together, pulled in new members, got us working together. You’re the one who’s been looking out for us since the start. And now, now it’s my turn to look after you so that’s what I’m going to do.”

“What’re you planning?” Tony’s eye narrowed and scanned Steve’s face, as if somehow he would find what Steve was thinking written there.

“I’m thinking that it’s time you and I actually use that little place out in the countryside you bought me for our tenth anniversary.” Steve raised an eyebrow, a little smirk growing on his face. “You know, the one you bought as an apology for being late to dinner.”

They headed indoors for lunch, the bots trailing after them. “Boss,” FRIDAY called out. Whatever she was about to say next was lost as a booming knock sounded throughout the house.

“Friends! We have brought sustenance! Please have the Lady FRIDAY open the door so we may enter!” called Thor, only slightly muffled by the door.

“FRIDAY, let Thor and everyone else in,” Steve called. “And at some point you’re going to have to forgive Thor. He didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

“Verily!” Thor agreed as he stepped through into the house, arms laden down with bags. He led the way to the kitchen with the others trailing after him like ducklings. “Twas never my intention to slight you, Lady FRIDAY.”

Thor wore a frilly purple apron Clint had given him ages ago, back when Thor had no idea how to cook, and commandeered the kitchen, Natasha at his side. Dum-E was allowed to make a smoothie for Tony but all other help was waved off. Clint pulled a stool into one of the corners of the kitchen and sat on it, age having stolen the strength and dexterity required to perch on the stool as he once did. Hulk sat in his chair, specially reinforced to hold his weight without collapsing, and gently guided Tony to sit next to him. Sam hopped up and sat on the counter of the island, taking up valuable counter space but refusing to move from his centrally located position, as he had done every time they ate as a team.

The original Avengers team shared one last meal together, reminiscing on their favorite missions, pranks, and memories from back when the Avengers only consisted of the seven of them. They talked until long after the food had all vanished, basking in the warmth of being with each other. When Thor, Clint, Natasha, Hulk, and Sam finally left, it was nearing dinner time (if they had brought enough food, they would have remained longer, but no one had planned linger so long in the first place).

Tony wavered, leaning on Steve and relying on his strength to keep him from falling. Steve wrapped an arm around Tony’s waist and glanced down, seeing the exhaustion written in the drooping eyelids and labored breathing. No matter how much Tony loved having their team nearby, checking that everyone was alright, his stamina was nowhere near what it used to be and the boisterous nature of their get-togethers wore him right out. Steve led his husband over to the swing Tony had installed on the front porch (“It adds character, Steve!”). They curled up together there, the bots crowded around them and watching the sun sink in the sky.

In those last few minutes before the sun set, Steve and Tony shared one last smile. Steve remained there at his side, petting the bots that had migrated closer to him, until the moon rose. It was only then, as the cold white light turned the meadow in front of him silvery (“Look at it, Steve!” “Tony, it’s just our front yard.” “I know that, but look!”) that tears finally streaked down Steve’s face. He would have to call everyone, confirm that Tony’s time had come, console them as they inevitable broke down crying, organize the funeral, look after the bots and FRIDAY. His life had to go on; he had to learn to live without Tony - if not his own sake, then for Tony’s sake.

[babygirl06301]

Buffy moments that made me cry

Oi! This post contains spoilers, read at your own risk or whatever.

So, this is gonna be a fun, happy time. 

Sike, because I’m gonna crush your hearts. And keep you here for a long time, because damn is this long. It’s important to understand that, when making this list, I was going off of memory so that could be a reason as to why not every terribly sad scene is in here. Another reason a scene could be left off is because I don’t like certain characters, so their sad moments didn’t cause me to emotionally explode like these did. For example, I’m not a huge fan of Faith, Joyce, Dawn, or Riley. I like them all, but I wasn’t invested enough in them as characters to warrant their hard times breaking my soul. Make sense?

Also, you will notice a common theme here, and if you’ve been following me for a while, this will come as no surprise (and neither will me talking about scenes I’ve already talked excessively about a million times): Spike, Spike, Spuffy, Spike. Spike is my all time favorite character from any show. So, it stands to reason that I feel his pains and woes more heavily than the other characters. Building on that, Spuffy is my ultimate ship. Ergo...you get it. In fact, most of this post will be about Spike, Spuffy, Twillow, and Xanya (is that their ship name?). You’re probably tired of hearing about the same scenes everyone (me) talks about, for example, a lot of the stuff from S7. And honestly, I’m getting a little tired of talking about them, but this list wouldn’t be complete without it, so bear with me.

So, I’m also gonna rate these by level of tears and soul-breakage (whether for happy or sad reasons). A scale of 1 to 5. Allow me to demonstrate with Dean Winchester gifs. 

1 - Prickly eyes, very deep feeling of sadness

2 - Eyes brimmed with tears about to spill over

3 - Tears fall

4 - Tears won’t stop falling

5 - All hope of composure is lost

Fair warning: there are only two 5s on here. So. And keep in mind that a 1 doesn’t mean it’s a bad scene. Think of 1s as very good scenes and 5s as mind-blowing, fuck me up scenes. Also, they’re just how I reacted. I know some of these hit harder with some or fell flat with others. And of course, there’s other scenes that were very sad to watch but didn’t quite make me tear up. For example, when Willow first sees that Glory took away Tara’s sanity or when Spike tells Buffy he’d risk his life to go after someone that hurt her. Okay, let’s get into it.

Okay, before the Buffy, I want to start with a few scenes from Angel that really got me. Not a lot in Angel did get me because I wasn’t as invested in it, but these were hard. 

Doyle dies

The episode: “Hero” 

My rating: 1/5

The moment: There’s a magical bomb about to explode so, Doyle decides to sacrifice himself to save everyone.

Why I cried: Doyle is one of the few characters on Angel that I had a really protective attitude with. Much like I did with early seasons Willow or with Tara, sort of just a sweet character that I want to keep safe. So, because we see Doyle struggle since the beginning with his identity as half-demon, this heroic last act means so much for his story. Not to mention, his last goodbyes with Angel and Cordelia were very heartfelt and sad.

Buffy forgets Human!Angel

The episode: “I Will Remember You”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Angel had become human for this episode and was able to spend a whole day with Buffy, consequence free. However, realizing he couldn’t protect the world as a human, he opted to erase the previous day. This moment is Angel explaining to Buffy that only he would remember their day together.

Why I cried: This scene got me for a number of reasons. One of the primary reasons is the behind the scenes information surrounding it. Sarah couldn’t hold herself together, David whispered her name (that you can hear in the scene) to calm her. That proves the power of this moment. Additionally, understanding that Angel will have the bear the memory of this day, cut me pretty deep. So did seeing Buffy so broken and panicked. All together, a gut-wrenching scene.

Fred dies

The episode: “A Hole in the World”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Fred has a run in with an ancient coffin containing the Old One, Illyria. She kills Fred by cooking her organs, causing her to slowly fade away while being watched over by Wesley, her current love. 

Why I cried: Fred is another one of those pure characters that doesn’t deserve the fate she receives. Wesley and Fred spend so long dancing around each other, being with other people before finally connecting...only to have it violently ripped away from them. Requited love resulting in immediate tragedy is something Joss Whedon is a master of, and this certainly isn’t the last example on this list.

Wesley dies

The episode: “Not Fade Away”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Wesley fights his final battle for Angel and the greater good, resulting in a serious wound that took his life. In his final moments, Illyria transforms herself into Fred to give Wes peace as he dies.

Why I cried: Honestly, the main thought running through my mind with this scene is that Wes and Fred will finally be together. His end is bittersweet for me, as he struggled so much in Angel. Adding on to this, seeing Fred weep over Wesley and knowing that it was equal parts Fred and Illyria feeling grief for him hits home as much as anything else. 

Okay, that’s Angel done. As I said, I wasn’t as invested so I don’t remember all the intense scenes, for one, and I also didn’t care about the story as much in general. Let’s move on to Buffy.

Buffy quits

The episode: “Prophecy Girl”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy overhears Angel and Giles discussing the prophecy that Buffy is to die if she faces the Master. She makes her presence known and decides to quit her role as Slayer because she’s afraid of dying.

Why I cried: This is the first time we see Buffy terrified of anything. Really terrified. And understandably so. I think the thing about this scene that gets me the most is that Buffy is supposed to be this tough girl, not afraid of anything, least of all dying. Which is quite unfair to ask of anyone. So here, we see the rational reaction to dying that we don’t expect her to have. Hearing her tell Giles that she’s sixteen and doesn’t want to die is almost shocking because she’s right, but that’s something we don’t totally register before this scene. And it’s almost made sadder by the fact that we know she doesn’t really have the choice to walk away from her calling. No matter how hard she fights, it doesn’t matter.

Buffy and Giles cry together

The episode: “Passion”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Right after Giles goes after Angelus for killing Jenny, Buffy pulls him out of the burning factory and screams at him for risking his life.

Why I cried: It’s just the combination of knowing Giles’ pain is so real and seeing Buffy’s fear of losing him. Giles, being a Watcher, hadn’t really had the opportunity to live a life outside of books and Slayers. Jenny was his chance to do that, and he lost her. He lost her right after he’d decided to take her back after the whole Angel/Angelus debacle. Remember that requited love turns to tragedy thing? On top of that, it isn’t often we see Buffy express her affection for Giles. This rare moment of vulnerability, for both of them, makes this scene crushing.

Buffy kills Angel

The episode: “Becoming: Part 2″

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy resigns herself to killing Angelus, as it appears they won’t be able to ensoul him, and he plans to release Acathla and destroy the world. At the last moment, after the door to Hell is opened, Angel regains his soul. Unfortunately, the only way to close the portal is to the kill the one who opened it. Buffy, then, is forced to kill her love.

Why I cried: The acting. That’s what it is. Other than the fact that it’s terribly tragic that they have to lose each other after so long apart,--*coughs* requited love--it’s just the fact that I can see it all on their faces. And Angel is so confused by what’s happening, and Buffy doesn’t explain. She just says goodbye, a goodbye cloaked in loving words. And then Angel’s confusion turns to shock, and Buffy’s expression of responsibility overrun with pain...it’s all a part of why this scene is so, so sad.

Buffy cries in Willow’s lap

The episode: “The Prom”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Just after Angel breaks up with her, Buffy confides in Willow. She conveys that she’s trying to keep from dying, that she feels like she can’t breathe. Willow holds her head in her lap while she cries.

Why I cried: On a personal note, for me and I’m sure many others, this spoke to me. It related almost exactly to one of my break-ups in the past. Because of that, it was more than just watching these characters bleed and cry on TV and trying to understand it. This, I did understand. And it hurts. And seeing our hero weep like this over something so...mundane...that’s pain.

Willow and Oz break up

The episode: “Wild at Heart”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Oz has made the decision, after a few nights with a fellow werewolf, that he will leave Sunnydale to try and tame the beast inside of him. As a result, he has to initiate a painful goodbye with the woman he loves.

Why I cried: This is the ever-present struggle with relationships. You want to be together, you want to be with them, but when it comes down to it, sometimes you need to take care of you. And that’s a tough choice to make. The thing about this scene is that neither of them fell out of love with the other (despite Willow asking Oz if he had). Oz had to tear himself away from the one thing he’d loved all his life so that he could better himself. Which means, for me anyway, that you can’t blame Oz. And an ending relationship where neither party is to blame, well that’s a hard blow. 

Oz’s final goodbye

The episode: “New Moon Rising”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Oz returns to Sunnydale, hoping to reignite his flame with Willow. Upon returning, he realizes that Willow has fallen in love with someone else--Tara. In his final scene, he says a tearful and final goodbye to Willow.

Why I cried: You know that feeling when you’re watching something and you just know that this is the end for a character? Like, you feel the deep sorrow that this is the last you’ll see of them? That’s what I was feeling. And I’m sure that’s what Willow was feeling. Because Oz didn’t fall out of love with her, it’s saddening to see him so wilted because he wasn’t able to get back together with Willow. But at the same time, it’s amazing to see how understanding and caring he is regarding Willow’s love for another person. Happy goodbyes can be just as tearful as the sad ones.

Willow chooses Tara

The episode: “New Moon Rising”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: After leaving Oz, Willow goes to Tara’s dorm room. Tara worries that Willow is coming to tell her she’s chosen Oz. She assures Willow that she should be with the one she loves, to which Willow replies, “I am.”

Why I cried: Oh my goodness. Tara is just so happy in this moment. And so is Willow. After all the confusion, after all the concern and tiptoeing and worry, Willow and Tara finally choose each other.

The gang defends Tara  

The episode: “Family”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Tara’s family comes to take her home because they claim (falsely) that she is part demon. She’s prepared to leave to spare her friends the shame of knowing her. In a twist, the Scoobies--even Spike, to an extent--defend Tara and protect her against her family.

Why I cried: This is the first time Tara is ever officially welcomed into the unofficial family of the Scoobies. And we get to see characters come to her defense, not because she’s connected to Willow, but because she’s connected to all of them. It’s a very warm family moment that gives me the warm fuzzies.

Spike comforts Buffy 

The episode: “Fool for Love”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: After a long night at each other’s throats, Spike vows to kill Buffy despite the complication of the behavior chip. Upon arriving at her house, Spike finds Buffy crying because of her mother’s worsening illness, a fact unbeknownst to him. He asks what’s wrong, if there’s anything he can do and ends up sitting silently with her in the moment.

Why I cried: Why would I cry so much over such a small thing? Well, because of the little things. Spike looks...curious. Instead of this big, swanky, know-it-all vampire, Spike is intrigued and curious concerning Buffy and how he feels about her. It’s almost like Buffy is this magical, foreign creature that he can’t look away from lest it run away, never to be seen again. And when he pats her back, he’s so gentle with her, somehow understanding what she needs without knowing the situation. And it helps. You can see Buffy’s face, see that she’s comforted to have someone to be with her there. It’s a very serene, tender moment.

Buffy finds her mom dead  

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy comes home to find Joyce lying on the couch, dead. In a panic, she calls 911. After that, she calls Giles. All the while, moving from confusion to alarm to shock.

Why I cried: This is a very real reaction to death. Especially the death of a close loved one. And it’s very strange for us to see Buffy this shattered, even with all the pain she’s gone through before this moment. It’s a hard scene to pick at, but we feel the same sort of surreal blankness that Buffy does.

Buffy tells Dawn about Joyce  

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy goes to Dawn’s school to tell her about their mother’s death.

Why I cried: It’s just...I didn’t and don’t care for Dawn very much...so that alone should tell you why this scene made the list. Seeing her that sorrowful and knowing that she still feels, if only in this case, like a little girl that still needs her mommy...it makes this scene heartbreaking.

Willow and Tara embrace

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Willow worries over what she should wear to the hospital to meet Buffy and Dawn. Her sadness and cries escalate until Tara goes to her, and they share their first (on-screen) kiss.

Why I cried: For one, it’s a good reminder that Joyce touched more people’s lives than Buffy’s and Dawn’s. Also, it’s a good moment for us to be there with Willow and Tara and feel their love and compassion. Just the way that they hold each other and breathe into each other’s embrace...it’s beautiful. 

Anya asking why Joyce died

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Tensions raise between Willow and Anya, as Anya doesn’t completely understand the actions taken by humans when a loved one dies. Anya soon breaks down and exclaims that the mortality of humans is nonsensical and stupid.

Why I cried: Anya is meant to be this confused, blunt, and uninformed character that never really grasps the spectrum of human emotions and mannerisms. But here’s the thing: in her ramblings about the stupidity of death and her confusion over why Joyce had to die, she makes the most sense of all. The beauty of her confusion and bluntness and uninformed nature is that she hits on the exact thought that everyone has when someone passes on: why? 

Buffy cries with Dawn 

The episode: “Forever”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: After Buffy stops Dawn from resurrecting their mother, she hears a knock on the door and runs to it, hoping it’s her mother. Dawn tears the photo of Joyce up that was used to bring her back in the first place, cancelling the spell. Realizing that they are truly on their own now, the two break down in front of the door and cry openly together.

Why I cried: It’s some of the first common ground we see with the two of them, especially since Joyce’s death. It’s horrible yet heartwarming to see Buffy and Dawn, at least for the time being, come together as sisters.

“I know you’ll never love me.”

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy return to her house to pick up some weapons for their fight against Glory. Upon arriving, Spike offers to take the weapons over the threshold, having been locked out of Buffy’s house previously. Buffy invites him in for the second time and tells Spike she’s counting on him to protect Dawn. He replies that he will--“’til the end of the world,” even if he dies doing so. He then tells her that, even though he knows she’ll never love him, he’s grateful that she treats him like a man.

Why I cried: Oh my God, so many reasons. From the top, Spike’s willingness to cooperate with Buffy’s wishes to stay out of her house and then Buffy’s subsequent invitation to enter back in says volumes about how far they’ve come in such a short time. Spike’s facial expression when she invites him back in began the trail of tears for me. When Spike proclaims he will protect Dawn “’til the end of the world,” that solidified the notion that he’d really changed, which overwhelmed me with emotion. And finally, when Spike says “I know you’ll never love me. I know that I’m a monster, but you treat me like a man and that’s...” That moment really touches me, firstly, because of the respect you can see on Buffy’s face. Whether or not she even likes Spike, she respects him now, after it all. Secondly, Spike is expecting to die. Whether by himself or alongside everyone, he’s expecting that this night is the end for him. And his final words to Buffy tell her: it’s alright that you don’t love me, I’m just happy to be in your life. He doesn’t try and convince her one last time, doesn’t try and persuade her. He’s a complete gentleman, and that’s the best part.

Willow finds Tara 

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Willow is finally able to get Tara back after so long without her because of Glory’s magic keeping Tara from being in control of her own mind. In a rush of joy, the two embrace, Willow telling a previously lost Tara that she’ll always find her.

Why I cried: The happiest tears come from this scene. Can you imagine being separated from your true love for so long without ever actually being physically apart from them? Having to see them every single day struggling against their own mind? That must be the hardest fate you could have. But Willow stuck with Tara, and it paid off in the end. The found each other in one of the happiest moments of the show’s run. 

Spike sees Buffy dead

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: After a long and hard fight against Glory, Buffy sacrifices herself to close the portal opened up by Summers blood. Her friends and family show varying signs of grief for their loss.

Why I cried: So, Willow and Spike had the two strongest reactions to seeing Buffy dead. Dawn was crying, but she’d already talked to Buffy and knew she would be dead when she reached the bottom of the tower. Anya was blank, seemingly because Buffy dying was almost expected. Xander and Giles showed emotion--sadness--but didn’t cry. Willow and Spike were sobbing. But why does specifically Spike make me cry? Two reasons. First: Willow is known to be very sensitive, so it’s expected that she’d break down immediately and not need time to register that Buffy had died. She went instantly to grief. Spike is known to be sensitive as well, being a poet and often shedding a tear when Buffy rejects him. But this. Spike doesn’t do this. He doesn’t absolutely break. His body doesn’t heave and convulse with sobs and sorrow. The reason Spike reacted so violently leads into my second reason, a reason James Marsters himself has stated: Buffy wasn’t just a loved one; she was his only loved one. The only person he had. That’s why what I said earlier on comes into play: Spike expected to die alone or die with everyone. He never expected to be left alone in a world without Buffy. Never. 

“Be brave. Live. For me.”

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Buffy is preparing to sacrifice herself to save the world, she gives her little sister, Dawn, some final words of advice to live on with after she’s gone.

Why I cried: I think it’s safe to say that this scene is one of the most remembered scenes from Buffy. And rightfully so. The reason I found this scene to be tear-inducing isn’t because Buffy is leaving her little sister or even because she’s dying willingly not only to save the world but to save herself from life. The reason this scene is so powerful is because it speaks to everyone. It tells everyone that they can be strong and live in a world so prone to kicking us when we’re down. It tells us that we can all choose to be like Buffy--a warrior. So, when I watch this scene, Buffy is speaking to me. And hearing something like that come from one of my greatest heroes, that’s a dream come true.

Spike sees Buffy alive 

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike storms into the Summers home, frantic to see if Dawn made it home safely. After scolding her for running off previously, Dawn draws his attention to a newly resurrected Buffy walking down the stairs. 

Why I cried: Two words to describe his expression: shocked and elated. It is so phenomenal the amount of emotion communicated through Spike’s eyes here. As soon as he sees her, you can see so many things pass over his face. Joy, disbelief, the effort not to cry, the urge to touch her, the need to be careful with her. All of that combined makes these few seconds something to talk about. No words, just...them.

“147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today.”

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy asks Spike, who is examining her bloody hands, how long she had been gone for. Spike replies, “147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today. Except today doesn’t count does it?”

Why I cried: Let’s just...he counted the days. He counted the days. Not weeks. Not months. Days. And the way he’s looking at her. His expression screams that he’s so happy to see her...but also that he’s not going to hurt her or push her. Which is the very first time this season that Spike does something for Buffy that no one else can or could. This man was so broken when he saw her lifeless body, and yet he’s able to compose himself enough to make sure Buffy is comfortable and safe. That’s love right there.

Spike blames Willow

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Spike corners Xander after a pointed comment about Spike returning to his days of stalking Buffy now that she was alive again. Spike expressed anger that no one told him about the plan to revive Buffy. Xander, unable to come up with a reason as to why they didn’t tell him, is baffled when Spike proposes that Willow kept it from him on purpose. Spike suggests that Willow knew Buffy could come back from the grave other than herself and they’d have to send her back. However, since Spike wouldn’t allow that to happen if any part of it was still Buffy, he guesses that Willow kept him in the dark to keep him from interfering in the case that Buffy’s reprieve was brief. 

Why I cried: This is a little moment, I understand. But the fact that it’s implied that Spike, of all people, wouldn’t allow the gang to get rid of a rabid Buffy, that’s pretty impactful. In fact, I would’ve guessed that Spike would be the one to opt for putting Buffy back in her grave, that he wouldn’t want Buffy to live and suffer. The shocking revelation that Spike wouldn't do just that is what rocked my emotions enough to include it on this list.

“Every night, I save you.”

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Buffy visits Spike in his crypt, likely looking for a break from the Scoobies. After an attempt from Spike to make small talk, he sits down and begins telling her what it’s been like since she died. He tells her he blames himself for her death and that ever since that night, in his mind, he never stopped saving her. 

Why I cried: Aside from character deaths, I’d put this scene in a top 5 list for Buffy’s saddest moments. He reminds her that he never stopped protecting Dawn, but then he backtracks on that idea, talks about the night she died. The way he blames himself...he erases everything else and only sees that he should’ve died protecting Dawn so Buffy wouldn’t of had to jump. And then he tells her he did save her, like it’s a sure fact, before saying he didn’t save her when it counted but he has every night since. This part is so easy to imagine: Spike laying in bed at night, maybe thinking, maybe dreaming about doing something different. About finding some other way to save Buffy, about pretending the last 147 days didn’t happen. He loses himself in his explanation, finally assuring Buffy, “Every night, I save you.” 

Giles and Tara’s duet 

The episode: “Once More, With Feeling”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Willow and Giles share a song, both expressing the need (but not desire) leave the one person they love the most. Giles, singing as a father; Tara singing as a lover. Both grieving the future loss of a relationship they wish they didn’t have to let go.

Why I cried: This little tidbit of a song gets me every time. Individually, Giles and Tara singing about losing Buffy and Willow respectively is heartbreaking on its own--but together...they both have to leave but for separate reasons, they both don’t want to leave for separate reasons, they both recognize the ending of their separate relationships. The power in this song is how a father and a lover can sing about a daughter and partner, say the exact same thing, mean the exact same thing, but for completely different circumstances. 

“You have to go on living, so one of us is living.” 

The episode: “Once More, With Feeling”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: As Buffy is dancing, about to go up in flame, Spike catches her. He sings to her about life and tells her that, even though it’s hard, she has to keeping living because that’s the only way she’ll heal.

Why I cried: This is another moment where Spike seems to know just what to say. He’s simply telling Buffy to keep fighting, like she’s always done. He’s telling her that she has to live so at least one of them is living. It’s as close to selfless as we’ve seen from Spike thus far or will see from him until his soul. It’s all for Buffy.

Tara realizes the truth

The episode: “Tabula Rasa”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Xander accidentally steps on the crystal used to facilitate the memory spell, thus breaking it. Tara, realizing Willow had again cast a spell to affect her memory, cries for the loss of their relationship.

Why I cried: It’s a very sudden moment, and that makes it harsher to watch. Willow had previously fallen on top of Tara and was still there when the spell was broken, so Tara shoved her off and stood up immediately. The jolt of the movement punctuated the possible finality of Willow and Tara. 

“Goodbye To You”

The episode: “Tabula Rasa”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Michelle Branch sings “Goodbye To You,” we see two endings and a beginning. Giles flies out for London and Tara leaves Willow. Simultaneously, Buffy and Spike indulge in each other for the second time. 

Why I cried: Let’s start with Giles. So, the saddest part about Giles’ portion of this moment is that he’s alone now. No more Buffy, no more magic shop, he’s totally alone. Dawn feels betrayed by the crumble of Willow and Tara’s relationship. Tara feels guilty about that, but she also feels sorrow for having no other choice but to leave. Willow feels remorse and pain. Meanwhile, Buffy seemingly turns Spike away after he tries to comfort her from the spell being broken, as she was slammed back into her life that she’d described before as “painful”--until she decides she wants him. And Spike gets to indulge in his need for her. Through all of these goodbyes, at least someone got the (albeit brief) happiness that they needed.

Willow’s breakdown

The episode: “Wrecked”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: After meeting with Rack, a black magic dealer, Willow crashes a vehicle with Dawn in the passenger seat. Dawn subsequently is nearly killed by a demon, saved just in time by Spike and Buffy. Spike takes Dawn home as Willow has a breakdown, exclaiming that she can’t stop using magic, that she ruined everything.

Why I cried: When you see a character, especially one you love, completely shatter in front of you, that has an impact. Willow was just so limp and weak in that moment, a moment where she admitted that she was wrong and that she needed help. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her to come to that conclusion, how much the guilt of nearly killing Dawn was eating at her. And yet, in this moment of weakness, she asked Buffy for help. And that is the strongest thing she could’ve done.

“I could never be your girl.”

The episode: “Dead Things”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Johnathan, Warren, and Andrew devise a plan to frame Buffy for the accidental murder of Warren’s ex-girlfriend. After their plan was successful, Buffy planned to turn herself in. Spike, however, wasn’t going to let Buffy throw her life away because of an accident. She began hitting him as Spike egged her on, told her to put it all on him. When she did, he said, “That’s my girl.” To this, Buffy hit him faster and harder, screaming that she could never be his girl because he was a soulless, evil “thing.”

Why I cried: The first part of why this scene is so emotional is because Buffy is trying so hard to deny that she enjoys being with Spike. Combine that with the guilt from “killing” that girl, and Buffy’s portion of this scene is extremely intense. Now, for Spike’s. Seeing Spike get insulted and beat on and emotionally torn up, crushes me. Considering all he’d done in the past, yes, he deserved it. But considering that he was trying, he definitely didn’t deserve it. And even after all that, he still tried to keep her from going into that police station. And Buffy looked horrified when she took in what she’d done to Spike. “You always hurt the one you love, pet.”

Buffy confides in Tara

The episode: “Dead Things”

My rating: 3/5 

The moment: Buffy had previously asked Tara to test her and see if she’d come back from the grave wrong. When Tara confirmed that nothing was wrong with her, Buffy broke down, insisting that there must be for her to let Spike touch her. Tara assured her that it was alright and that she understood. Buffy, not wanting to be forgiven, laid her head in Tara’s lap and begged for Tara not to forgive her.

Why I cried: The small thing here is that Buffy and Tara’s relationship is being built up by this, which is the one positive thing. But, it’s just overwhelmingly sad that Buffy feels so horrible for being with Spike and increasingly more sad that she thinks she should be punished for it. Of course, there’s more in her that’s broken aside from her attraction to Spike, but the sheer shame in her eyes is completely heartbreaking.

“You glow.”

The episode: “Hell’s Bells”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy attempt to be civil after their break-up. Spike tells Buffy that it’s nice to see her happy, even if it isn’t with him, because he doesn’t get to see it a lot. He tells her she glows, and then she does.

Why I cried: The thing that kept running through my mind during this scene was that if they had simply treated each other like this before, they would’ve been beautiful together.

Xander leaves Anya at the altar 

The episode: “Hell’s Bells”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Xander, afraid of ending up like the man in his falsified vision or even like his parents, leaves Anya at the altar on their wedding day. 

Why I cried: Anya was supposed to be the one to leave. Anya was supposed to be the scared partner, afraid of getting hurt. Instead, Xander was the one to leave. Because he was afraid of hurting her. Unfortunately, both Xander and Anya did or got exactly what they didn’t want. 

Xander and Buffy catch Anya and Spike

The episode: “Entropy”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Due to a camera put in the Magic Box by the Trio, Xander and Buffy see Spike and Anya having sex. Xander, determined to kill Spike, is chased down by Buffy who stops him. Xander and Anya argue about Xander’s choice to leave Anya at the altar. Xander says he can’t look at her anymore because she’s been with Spike. It’s at this moment that Spike reveals his previous involvement with Buffy, causing a rift between all four of them.

Why I cried: It’s just one of those scenes that all you can do is sit back and watch as it all crumbles in front of you. You want to agree with Buffy and Xander because they’re the traditional “good guys,” but they are the ones who left Anya and Spike out in the cold. A lot of conflicting emotions for the viewer.

Spike attempts to rape Buffy

The episode: “Seeing Red”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike goes to apologize to Buffy for hurting her because of his encounter with Anya. Buffy tells him that, although she has feelings for him, it isn’t love. This is misconstrued by Spike, leading to an attempted rape that is quickly derailed by Buffy kicking Spike off.

Why I cried: I could go on about this scene. The very first time I watched this, I didn’t cry. I didn’t do anything. I just sat there, completely frozen. I felt helpless, hopeless. I couldn’t stop what was happening, I couldn’t look away. I understood fully and entirely what was going on in this scene, what the point was. I knew that Spike instantly regretted what he did, that he didn’t even register until afterwards what it was that he’d almost done. I knew Buffy knew that too. But all I could think was, “This is it. This is how Spike and Buffy’s story ends.” And it just saddened me so much. It made me so empty to think that this was how the greatest love story I’d ever seen before got it’s end. I just felt like the world drained away and all that was left was hopelessness. I remember I had to shut off my computer afterwards and sit in silence for hours, not moving, not thinking, just hurting. And then the tears came. Because of all that I mentioned above, it all hit me and once and I broke. I couldn’t and, really still can’t, touch that scene. To this day, it just brings back the feeling that nothing matters and hope is lost.

Tara dies  

The episode: “Villains”

My rating: 5/5

The moment: After Tara is shot and killed by Warren, Willow weeps over her body.

Why I cried: It’s Tara. It’s Tara and it’s Willow and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that they only got to be happy again for a moment before it was all ripped away. It isn’t fair that Willow has to feel pain like that. It’s just not fair.

Yellow crayon

The episode: “Grave”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Xander goes to Willow, who is bent on destroying the world. He tells her that if she plans on destroying the world, he’s going with her. He repeats that he loves her, angering her at first, but eventually getting through to her as he tells her one last time.

Why I cried: It’s just a very powerful moment coming from Xander. After all both of them have been through: losing their loves together (whether that be Cordy and Oz or Anya and Tara), growing up together, staying together through all the pain. Of all the relationships on the show, Xander and Willow have got to have the strongest one. 

Willow cries in Xander’s arms 

The episode: “Grave”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: After talking her down, Xander is finally able to embrace Willow as she comes back to herself.

Why I cried: He did it. Xander saved the world. Xander, the guy who always considers himself useless. He saved the world. And he saved Willow. How amazing is he? 

The church scene

The episode: “Beneath You”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike reveals to Buffy that he got his soul back. He first tells her that his soul has been torturing him ever since he got it back, that he doesn’t blame her for not loving him, that he feels terribly for trying to hurt her. He then asks why everything isn’t fixed, confused by the fact that his soul is causing more trouble than it is fixing him. He then rests on a cross, burning himself as Buffy watches in the distance.

Why I cried: The whole scene, Spike is saying seemingly nonsensical things that all add up to him telling Buffy about how miserable he’s been since he got his soul back. Knowing the pain he went through to get his soul in the first place and that he’s in pain still is enough to tear anyone up. But my pain comes when Spike says he wasn’t a good man--or rather, a man at all--before he got his soul. That moment when his voice breaks and he tells Buffy he got his soul for her so that he could be worthy of being. And then he lays himself on the cross, a symbol for the fact that he’s still a monster, still worthy of pain and unworthy of love. And Buffy looks to be a combination of horrified and guilty as she stares on at this man that went through Hell for her and can’t find his way back.

“Stay here, and help me be quiet.”

The episode: “Help”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy comes down the basement to ask Spike for his help in saving a girl that is meant to die on that day. She asks Spike if there is any evil in the basement, and he identifies himself as the evil because he hurt Buffy. Once Buffy realizes he has nothing useful for her, she begins to walk away. Spike calls after her and asks her to stay with him to help him be quiet. Buffy replies that it’s worse when she’s there and walks away.

Why I cried: Spike just looks so beaten. When Buffy speaks to him, he uses her voice to ground him and keep him in reality. You can see him trying to think, trying to stay there in the moment. Trying to understand what she’s asking of him. And he says that he’s paying (with the pain from his soul) because he hurt Buffy. He doesn’t want to hurt the girl. Finally, as Buffy walks away from him, he pleads with her to stay there, to help him keep the voices out. She denies his plea and leaves him sitting alone.

“It’s still all about you.”

The episode: “Sleeper”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy accuses Spike of killing the girl he went out with the night before. Spike tells her he couldn’t have, because he got his soul. Furthermore, he’s offended that she thinks he would go to the trouble of getting his soul back just to kill again. He tells her he does go out and talk to women, but only because he can’t talk to her. Spike continues, saying that, unlike the chip, the soul he got on his own, for her. As Buffy’s telling him she knows that, Spike says that he only passes time with other women because at the end of the day, it’s still all about her.

Why I cried: Spike is trying so hard here to make her believe that he’d really, undeniably changed. And he looks so hurt that she really thinks he’d kill someone after all he went through to be better. More than that, he’s so terrified that somehow he did do it. Because he doesn’t want to be the bad man anymore. This whole scene is just pure emotion.

“Do it fast, okay?”

The episode: “Sleeper”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike asks Buffy to kill him in this scene. He mentions that “He” said she would do it, prompting Buffy to ask him what he remembered about the killings. Spike, upon saying that he doesn’t remember anything, begs to forget what he’d done. Buffy tells him that something mystical has been messing with him, to which Spike responds by asking her to help him, and Buffy agrees.

Why I cried: He looks so small. That’s not something we’re used to seeing. This big, bad, 100+ year old vampire is cowering in the corner, begging for death by the hands of the Slayer. And the way his voice breaks when he asks Buffy, “Do it fast, okay?” just breaks my heart. All he wants to do is stop the pain, whether that means ending his life or forgetting it ever happened. 

“I believe in you, Spike.”

The episode: “Never Leave Me”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Spike insists that Buffy kill him before he can hurt anyone else because of the First. Buffy assures him that if he hadn’t really changed, he’d already be dead. She tells him that he fought every evil instinct he had to be the good man standing in front of her. Right before the Bringers break in and kidnap Spike, Buffy looks at him and tells him she believes in him.

Why I cried: During this scene, all I think about is how much they’ve grown, namely Buffy. I think about all the negative feelings she had towards Spike, how she realized that she didn’t need to feel those things anymore. She let go of the hate she had for him and instead put faith where hate had previously resided. Faith for Spike. That’s a damn big change. Just the way Spike looks back at her... He is totally and completely surprised by what she’s said. It’s hard to put that into words, but he’s so taken aback by the fact that she believes in him. In my opinion, it isn’t, “You believe in me?” It’s, “You really believe in me?” That’s what makes it magnificent. 

Spike resists the First

The episode: “Bring on the Night”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: The First interrogates and tortures Spike, who refuses to give over to whatever the First has planned. The First challenges him, asks him why he thinks he’ll be any good at all in the world as something other than evil. Spike simply says, “She does. Because she believes in me.”

Why I cried: So, for one, resisting the most powerful force of evil ever is hard enough, especially since Spike, as a vampire, is supposed to be evil by nature. But Spike isn’t resisting because the First hurt him. He isn’t resisting because he wants to be a good man. He's resisting because Buffy believes he can be a good man. And that’s enough. 

Buffy saves Spike

The episode: “Showtime”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike, becoming doubtful that Buffy would risk her life to save him, looks up to see her standing in front of him with a knife in her hand. Sure that it’s the First playing with his emotions again, he insists she’s not real. Buffy, without a word, cuts him free of his bonds. They look at each other, relieved, and walk out of the cave, free.

Why I cried: Look at his face. He was so scared that Buffy wouldn’t come for him, even though he’d tried to convince himself that she would. When she does come for him, he just looks so happy. Almost in awe of her and his love for her and his elation at seeing her and knowing she cared for him enough to save him. And Buffy. I think upon seeing Spike that joyful, she got overwhelmed herself. Almost assuring him with her eyes that, “I’m here,” but also feeling that heavy emotion with him. All together, a peaceful and beautiful scene.

“I’m not ready for you to not be here.”

The episode: “First Date”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Spike suggests that he leave town in the case that the First wasn’t done using him yet. Buffy tells him he’s not going to leave. Misunderstanding, Spike tells her that with Wood around, she won’t need him in the final fight. But Buffy corrects him and tells him that’s not why she needs him to stay. Spike asks her what her reasoning is and she says, “’Cause I’m not ready for you to not be here.”

Why I cried: Let’s talk Spike first. He looks as though he’s discovered for the first time that Buffy feels something more for him. And I think it confuses him. Buffy doesn’t just disregard the idea that she only needs Spike for the fight, she doesn’t even make that a possibility. She could’ve said she needed him for the fight as well, but also because she just needed him. But instead she implies that the only reason he has to stay is because she needs him. That is...wow.

Andrew closes the Hellmouth 

The episode: “Storyteller”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Buffy tells Andrew that, unlike other people’s blood, his will close the Hellmouth rather than open it. Andrew fears that Buffy is going to kill him, and Buffy makes him see how horrible it was that he’d killed Johnathan. She holds him over the Hellmouth as he cries, and as his tears hit the Hellmouth’s opening, it closes. 

Why I cried: Andrew’s redemption arc was something that I took very well and appreciated. Knowing the First’s affect on people can shed some light onto why Andrew would’ve killed Johnathan, no matter how bad of a decision it was. So, seeing him repent like this is hard. At the same time, you can see Buffy feels a little bad for causing him pain, even though she was mostly only doing it to close the portal to the Hellmouth. It’s also the first real time we see Andrew gain any acceptance from Buffy. It’s very touching.

Buffy gets kicked out

The episode: “Empty Places”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: The potentials, Buffy’s friends, and fellow Slayer, Faith decide to vote Buffy out of her leadership role. They state that she’s too reckless and controlling and that they’d much rather be under Faith’s command (much to Faith's dismay). Buffy then leaves with one last plea for Faith to protect them.

Why I cried: Here’s the thing, it’s hard to watch because everybody in this scene is right. Buffy is right about the vineyard holding something important to their battle. The group is right that she’s been too brash and bossy about her decision making. Buffy is wrong in assuming that her opinion is the only one that matters, and the group is wrong to throw her out of her house. Just knowing that there’s a better solution to this situation makes it horrible to watch.

Spike gives Buffy strength

The episode: “Touched”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Spike finds Buffy in an abandoned house, saddened by the realization that she had lost herself in her journey as Slayer. As a part of Buffy confiding in Spike, she mentions that he only wanted her because she was unattainable. This prompts Spike to sit her down and tell her why it is he loves her, giving Buffy back the confidence that she needs to finish the fight.

Why I cried: All this scene is, is Spike totally and utterly being there for Buffy. He’s not doing it for selfish reasons. He’s not doing it as a backdoor way to tell her yet again that he loves her. He’s only saying these things to Buffy for Buffy. He only wants for her to see herself the way he does, the way many do. And, for the first time, he tells her why he loves her, not just that he does. Which is something I don’t think he could articulate before his soul. And Buffy is just so touched by what he’s saying, she’s washed away by this man sitting in front of her. There’s nothing better.

Spike holds Buffy

The episode: “Touched”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: As Spike prepares to sleep either in another room or on a chair in the same room as Buffy, she calls to him and asks him to hold her. The two spend the night together in each other’s arms.

Why I cried: It’s just lovely, isn’t it? To see them be intimate? Especially amidst every other character in this montage making love. Spike and Buffy had their turn to be physical, now they get the chance to just be with each other. Spike goes to Buffy with no hesitation after she asks him to hold her, at first prepared to do whatever made her comfortable. It’s another moment where Spike removes himself from the situation, only there to be there for Buffy. Absolutely lovely.

“Terrified.” 

The episode: “End of Days”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy asks Spike how he felt about the night before, the night they spent together. He tells her he’s terrified. He says that the night before was the best night of his life. Buffy tells him she was there with him just before the two decide to leave the rest of this discussion until after they “go be heroes.” 

Why I cried: Goodness, where do I start? Both of them are afraid the previous night didn’t mean as much to the other as it did to them. Buffy finally decides that she wants to lay out her feelings for Spike and know his feelings for her. Spike is terrified that he loves her so much, that he might lose her, that she may not want him. And when Buffy tells him she was completely in that moment with him...oh my God, Spike’s face. He’s just so hopeful. After all the Hell they’ve both been through, they find hope in each other.

Buffy calls Spike a champion

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy comes home, after her talk with Angel, with an amulet that is meant to be worn by a champion to save the world. The champion is meant to have a soul but be more than human, so Spike tells Buffy that if Angel wasn’t staying to wear it, then he should instead. Buffy tells him that it’s meant to be worn by a champion, and Spike’s expression falls just before Buffy steps forward and places it in his hand.

Why I cried: Buffy set that up on purpose specifically to show Spike how deeply she felt about him and to make him happy. You can see in her eyes that she’s trying to convey the way she feels, and Spike glows when she implies that he is a champion. This little moment between them is breathtaking. 

Buffy and Spike spend their last night together

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy look at each other fondly before spending the night--what they assume to be their last night alive--together.

Why I cried: All together, these silent few moments mean so much. They could’ve spent their last night with anyone, but they decided to spend it with each other. That alone shows how much they mean to one another. A happy moment to preface the end of their story on Buffy.

Anya dies

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: In her heroic effort to save Andrew’s life, Anya sacrifices her own.

Why I cried: Anya finally got to be brave. She wasn’t running away anymore, she took her stand and became a warrior. It’s a bittersweet goodbye knowing that she and Xander could’ve come together again, but in the end, Anya died a hero.

Spike and Buffy’s goodbye

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Spike’s amulet activates, Buffy rushes over to him. Spike tells her he’s staying behind to finish the job, and Buffy grabs his hand, igniting a flame. Buffy then says a long awaited, “I love you.” Spike responds, “No you don’t, but thanks for saying it.” 

Why I cried: Why did I cry? I cried because Buffy loved him as soon as their hand’s clasped. I cried because Spike didn’t believe her. I cried because they’d come so far just to lose each other. I cried because within this tragic moment, this made me happier than anything. I cried because it’s Spike and Buffy.

Spike dies

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 5/5

The moment: Spike sacrifices himself to save the world.

Why I cried: I was in denial that he was dead up until the end. I couldn’t believe it. Spike’s journey is the single most amazing thing ever to be shown, not just on Buffy, but anywhere. In his final moments, he gets to be a good man--a champion. Spike isn’t just a secondary character. He isn’t just someone Buffy had a relationship with. Spike became so important to the show and to its viewers that he got to save the world in the biggest, baddest final battle. And he didn’t just save the world, he saved himself. And he saved Buffy. He saved his world, and that was enough to give him peace in this final moment. 

“That’s my girl.”

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Andrew tells Xander what happened with Anya, that she died saving his life. Xander bears a sad smile as he says, “That’s my girl.”

Why I cried: Xander didn’t get angry or cry or break down. He was just proud. And even with all the pain Xander and Anya caused each other, she never stopped being his girl.

“Spike.”

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy reunites with the gang, and Giles asks what caused the massive destruction left behind after the Hellmouth was destroyed. Buffy simply replies, “Spike.”

Why I cried: Spike deserved to be the last word said from Buffy’s mouth. And, much like Xander’s reaction to Anya’s death, Buffy looks to be a combination of sad and proud. So proud that Spike saved them all in the end, even if she had to lose him.

The End

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Buffy looks on at the remains (or lack thereof) of Sunnydale, her home, destroyed. But, as the gang asks what they do now that the battle is over, Buffy smiles, excited for this end and for another beginning.

Why I cried: Because this is the end. It’s that feeling of punctuation, of finality. You reflect on all that has happened before this point and all it’s done for you. And then you realize that it’s over. But at the same time, you know that nothing ever really ends. 

Okay, I hope you enjoyed this depressingly wonderful post, and I hope I made you cry. Honestly, I do. In all seriousness, it’s everything about this show, not just its sad moments, that made me (and so many others) better than we were. I’ll always look to Buffy because, even in its tragedies, it makes me stronger.

[thisolddag]

The Space Between Us

When we get out of the car, winter hits me. The smell of it is the same like when I was five, and sixteen - the only two times I can remember, but it’s a smell that is inside me like muscle, or an organ, a smell that sends me reeling while I stay rooted in the same spot, staring out toward the Swiętokrzyskie mountains and a gray, open sky. Of course there’s no real word to describe this winter - crisp, smoky, nostalgia. There is no single word; it is every word that takes me back to the beginning of the crystallization of my memory, our memories.

“Do you remember this smell?” I ask my younger sister, who is already shivering only one minute outside, and ten hours into our getaway.

She shakes her head.”It’s cold as fuck though.”

M was only two when we left so how could she remember? I watch her walk toward the roadside WC, my other younger sister waddling behind her, pregnant and tired, but like the two of us  - so excited to be here again.

I wait for them to pee, vaping hungrily, looking out across the empty parking lot at three bright receptacle bins - green, blue, yellow. Poland’s recycling? I think, smiling warily. I snap a picture, find the right filter, and Instagram it immediately. It’s a Sunday. I close my eyes. I breathe. The air. The smell. We are here, the three of us. A getaway. A getaway from what? From husbands, children, work, Brooklyn, Jersey, Los Angeles. From our fairy tale lives, like M will repeat a few days from now. 

I warn my sisters that our grandmother’s nursing home is not fancy. Fancy isn’t in the arsenal. I warn them she will not remember us; she hadn’t remembered me, her self-professed favorite, last August when I came with the boys. I warn them that the smell on the second floor will hit them like a fucking brick. It’s clean, sure. Yes, it’s clean. But the smell is a sour smell, of people sick and dying, and windows shut, and antiquated plumbing. Like shit and resignation. 

We talk about Babcia, as we unpack in the hotel room. Should we go see her now? Should we eat pierogi first? Or wait for our dad? Our father lives here too. He’s come back looking for his old life. We grab our coats - eyes dehydrated, itching, the skin on pregnant V’s hands cracking, tiny bloody fissures on her knuckles. It’s four pm but time means nothing because we chased the sun across the Atlantic for eight hours - or maybe we ran from it. I don’t know. I know nothing. I am reduced to memories of a place that quivers and pulsates with my childhood, our childhood. The words “remember when” will be repeated a hundred thousand time in the next seven days. We will slowly forget our kids, we will never find enough sleep. We will laugh until our stomachs cramp. We will fall asleep to the sounds of an American stand-up comic, emanating from M’s iPad. 

We will laugh as our eyelids get heavy. We will cry even more.

My sisters and I had friends growing up; American friends, sometimes other Polish immigrant friends. We had lots of friends, and sometimes they were best bosom buddies. But no one knew us like we knew one another. No one understood where we had come from, what we’d escaped, or how far away we longed to run. There was no space between us. The only slim distance was in the way we formed our own memories, and told our own stories, to those who were willing to listen. There was no breaking us, even as we broke individually, bit by bit, sometimes together, sometimes alone. It was not until I moved into my first apartment with M, leaving V behind, that distance started setting. It was not until M moved away to California to follow a boy and her dreams, that distance became a fact, and for me - the enemy. 

Growing up, we spent our summers in a small, boring and beautiful city called Kielce. (I can hear M now - “Beautiful?! Come on, Dag!“) Every summer, for years and years. Boarding planes together, without mama and tata, waiting for bags marked with frayed fluorescent colored ribbons. Driving toward those mountains, willing those three hours from Warsaw to go by in a flash, staring at cows and ancient men walking along the road, in slanted brown berets, even in the heat of July. Weeks spent eating pork cutlets and sweet carrot soufflés, weeks falling in love, getting into trouble, listening to Babcia’s stories, staring down onto Toporowskiego Street from her limestone balcony. I wrote a novel about some of it once. The main character was a more poetic version of me, but there were no sisters. I knew, even in thinly veiled fiction, I could not touch their stories. I respected the space between us.

Last week, we deplaned in the airport that is now modern and renamed Chopin International. We’ve been back of course, as adults, with our own burgeoning families in tow, sightseeing and exploring. But it’s been almost two decades since those summers, when it was only us. 

Our Babcia is eighty-six now, and in the throes of Alzheimer’s. Last week, she did not remember my sisters or me. But that did not stop her from reaching out her hands - hands that felt as soft, unreal and light as if they’d been fashioned from some threadbare fabric, fingers like feathers settling on our cheeks. I should know you, you are my family, but I don’t remember you, Babcia said, fear in her eyes. But we remember you, that’s what matters, is what we answered, because what was there to say? “We used to spend the summers at your apartment, you made us kanapeczki, we slept on the futon in the little room.”  She listened as if we were spinning magical tales, feeding her snippets of a life that was fading fast from the recesses of her tired, confused mind. V had brought a plush teddy bear, as a gift, and Babcia reacted like a child. He will sleep with me, be my companion, and he will never leave my side. But what color is he? What is this color? We told her he was yellow, or amber, or beige, but none of those words sufficed. She couldn’t name the color she wanted to find. We wept, all at once, in small bursts of snot and tears. We didn’t want her to see us cry. But we cried anyway. 

We saw my dad too, who lives like the madman of Shiloh, things upon things, disarray that comforts him. We visited a family member who is in the last stages of addiction. Don’t look at me, he said, when he opened the door, but we looked, shock on our faces, at him who we had known forever, who had suddenly and irreparably aged a hundred years. We cried again, rummaging through familiar drawers to take something back to the nursing home for Babcia, to take something back to the States, souvenirs of another lifetime. Porcelain tea cups from all those summers of twilight herbatka, and pictures, and a blue plastic tumbler that held long-grained rice for more than forty years, a staple in the kitchen from our youth. A memory of Babcia spilling the contents and letting me play, as if the kitchen floor were a sandbox, the rice cool in my hands, and coated with dust. So take it, just take it, my sister whispered, crying, quick with her hands, and slipped it into her bookbag. It was surreal, standing in that home that Babcia would never see again, that was now a mausoleum, a place unrecognizable, filled with cigarette smoke so bad that V had to flee.

Everywhere we went was bleak and gray, and strange, and still, it was some kind of wonderful. Everything was a denouement. Everything was so incredibly complicated. Everything was the end of the road. It was a goodbye trip. Goodbye to our beginning, to the memories we shared, to old bedroom walls and wizened faces. It was our feet touching down onto dry, dark earth. But despite that, and despite help that didn’t end up helping, and cash twisted into palms, and constant rain and jet lag that did not let up for a single goddamn minute - we walked together happily. We walked side by side. Two mothers now, and one about to become one. Three sisters, like a real life Chekhov play, with all its sentimentality and sad smiles. On our father’s pleading, we met with a young filmmaker at a pierogi cafe - yes, there are such things in our homeland - who was enthralled (her word) by our ‘story.’ Your father, his politics, his journey, you three girl from this town, living such a life now. She wants to make a documentary about us, and though we were flattered, I sat with my chin in my hand, reluctant to share us. We’ll be in touch, I said, because I could tell she was kind and earnest. But my heart tightened at the thought of our life in somebody else’s hands. 

Every day, we’d leave Babcia’s side and those nurses who glanced our way with quizzical smiles, raised eyebrows, who we’d showered with doughnuts, and pleas, and autographed pictures of my husband, as requested - and we promised to come back. We’d leave cramped, neatly furnished apartments of friends and family, we’d leave pothole ridden streets, and small hotel rooms, and we’d think the same thing. A fairy tale life was waiting for us, and how easy it would be to forget this. 

How impossible it would be to forget this. 

“I’m gonna have to write about it,” I told my sisters, “to help me process.” Process; an American verb. In places like Kielce, there is no room for such extravagance. 

But there is too much to write. In Warsaw, the rain fell harder but we felt lighter. The city was brimming with life, and sparkling skies and it brought us comfort. We shopped, and ate, in copious amounts. The food brought us memories, the good kind. In Warsaw, we allowed ourselves to breathe again. It was easier to reconcile with what we have - money, security, happiness, freedom, possibilities - with what we had once - nothing but tattered, battered, tangled dreams. I will not share details of our particular struggle - because everyone struggles, and because I am not ready to disclose, something that is not only mine, but what belongs to both of them, just as much.

Now, I sit in my office, back in America, and I miss the hell out of my sisters. Our trip is already another memory; something we dreamed up and somehow made come true. I think about the space we once occupied, and how beautiful it had been to be back there again, and how hard. I think about our story, and how it has a clear beginning, a winding long winded middle, and yet, there is no end, and there never will be one. I think about Babcia. I think about a day in August, circa 1991, a heat wave, packing pork chops on powdery white buns, and one towel each, and walking around the murky reservoir toward Tęcza, the local pool. And how later, the walk back to Babcia’s was always better, when we were tanned, and smelled like chlorine, and the sun wasn’t setting just yet but was already worn out, and how the trees shaded us, and how we didn’t say much to one another, how we walked with a gaggle of age appropriate friends, separately, a good distance between us, but always, always our heads craning back to make sure were all still there, together, the three of us. 

[surveysonfleek]

609.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 38

3601. What brands do you like? i’m open to trying any brands but i guess after all these years i’m pretty loyal to apple. 3602. What do you think of the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy of gays in the millitary? in light of recent events it seems though there’s a bit of a spotlight on this. 3603. Why do you think that so many people have such a problem with gays? i honestly have no idea. i guess there’s people against it from a religious standpoint but geez it’s 2017, get over it. 3604. It seems like it is more accepted for a woman to be bi or gay than for a man. Why do you think that is? straight men love sexualizing lesbian relationships, so there’s that. but i don’t know.

3605. When a kid kisses another kid on the playground is it sexual harassment? it depends on the kid’s ages and if the other kid consented. tbh i think it’s just innocent actions but it’s still important the parent’s be notified. 3606. If you had to name your self after an object in the room with you what would you pick? a pillow lol. 3607. Pick the two most important things out of these: writing deep thoughts, expressing your self clearly, being honest, finding new novel ways to waste time, being organized, practicing what you want to do, trying to be famous expressing yourself clearly and practicing what you want to do. 3608. You were only waiting for this momen to —– answer this. 3609. Knowing historically that native American indians were and are the first americans, how do you feel about america and current americans? i honestly don’t know much about the history between native americans and white americans (i’m not from there), so it’s best i don’t comment. 3610. Just what exactly determines whether or not one is 'mental’? the definition i guess. 3611. is it true that people with depression CAN’T function in society? not at all. 3612. fill in the word: half of what i say is ———– idk. 3613. Some people believe the Holocaust was a hoax? What do you think of this? wow, i don’t think so. there’s a lotttttt of proof from history that it happened. 3614. Does EVERYONE in the world care about how they look except YOU? nope. 3615. Do you love italian names like Lorenzo, Gaetano, and Grazziano? i don’t love them nor hate them. 3616. Everyone does horrible things. Do you think that people are more accepting of the bad things they do themselves or the bad things others do? they do. Which are you more accepting of? idk. 3617. Is it true that NO ONE wants to date grumpy people? in a sense yes, unless someone has a thing for angry people idk. it’s draining though. 3618. Bush and his henchmen have now come up with a list of people for the CIA to assassinate. What do you think of this? we’re like two presidents ahead now. 3619. Why is it that in many states sodomy and oral sex are still illegal, even if they are consensual? idk. 3620. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of: liberals? skipping this. conservatives? hippies? nobel peace prize winners? black panthers? time magazine? feminists? 3621. Order these issues from most important and needing to be dealt with to least important and we can put it off: cloning, skipping this too. racism, aids cure, the middle east, putting power back in the hands of the people, the environment, better education 3622. Do you feel like you are missing out because you can only know a certain number of people in this world and you can’t know everyone? not at all. i’m grateful for the people i know. 3623. What do you imagine being a soldier in a war is actually like? terrible. i don’t even want to imagine. 3624. Do you agree that woman should be allowed to enlist in the army? of course. it’s their choice. 3625. What is the purpose of government? conformity. 3626. Why don’t people believe in free love anymore? idk. 3627. Do you make desicions with your head or your heart? my head. 3628. What is the differance between sympathy and empathy? empathy is more imagining yourself in someone’s situation whereas sympathy is like compassion i think. 3629. Can you think of any person or group you cannot empathise with? rapists, racists. 3630. Like creme savers? no idea what that is. 3631. Your best friends asks you to marry them Out of the blue. You say: why are you asking me this? 3632. What makes you feel seriously depressed? work. 3633. Have you personaly worked for peace? no. 3634. Do you suppress parts of yourself because you are afraid of judgement? no. 3635. Do you take in the ideas and opinions of others too often?/ not too often. 3636. 36 - 24 - 36? what. 3637. What just isn’t right? idk. 3638. What make syour blood boil?? huh?? 3639. Have you ever gone to the bathroom in aplace that wasn’t a bathroom? like in the woods? yes lol. 3640. Want some water melon? no thanks. 3641. What’s your favorite gum? funnily enough watermelon flavoured. or spearmint. 3642. What do you imagine going to Harvard is like? stressful. 3643. What would you get rid of forever if you had to choose snow or rain? snow. 3644. Is there a santa clause? back in the day, yes. 3645. Do you understand yourself? Do you understand everyone else? yes and no. 3646. Do you think there is a connection between understanding yourself and understanding others? slightly. 3647. What’s good? nothing. 3648. Have you ever played dodge ball? yes. 3649. Is there anything you feel men can do better than woman? not at all. 3650. Is there anything you feel woman can do better than men? no. it really just depends on the individual. 3651. What do you think of jazz? it sounds nice. 3652. Why do you suppose Christmas has more hype than Chanucka? idk. 3653. What is like a rock? a stone. 3654. Who do you 100% trust? my boyfriend. i think lol. 3655. Are you dreaming of a white christmas? no. 3656. Have you done anything nice for your neighbors this year? no. 3657. What is the most courageous thing you have ever done? hmm idk. stand up for others i guess. 3658. What things (not people) would you miss most if you were locking the big brother house for weeks on end? my phone. 3659. Use five words to describe your life now. boring, flexible, chill, open, decent. 3660. Use five words to describe your family. loving, caring, dysfunctional, hardworking, helpful. 3661. Use five words to describe your childhood. fun, happy, educational, simple, memorable. 3662. Who has seen the wind? not me. 3663. what’s the point of MLA format? Why can’t students just freely write their gathered info and opinions the way they feel is best for them? not sure. 3664. What’s your favorite fairy tale? the princess and the pea. 3665. How will explain god to your children (or a child)? i’m not sure yet. 3666. Is this question satanic? no? 3667. Name a person that you love. my bf. Describe how they look: i just did this in the last survey D: Describe how they sound: they have a nice calming voice. Describe how they smell: he always smells like vanilla for some reason lol. Describe how they feel: nice. Describe how they taste: haaaa. 3668. What will last longer, the moon or the human race? the moon. 3669. Whose lives do you value more; those of your country or all of humanity? all of humanity. 3670. If the jehovas witnesses dropped by your house what would you do? politely tell them i’m not interested. 3671. Someone you work with or go to school with is giving you a surprise gift. Would you like it better if it were a talking teddybear or a mini tarot deck? neither. 3672. Where does the sky begin? Just above the ground? no idea. 3673. What’s the most romantic thing to do? anything sentimental. 3674. What’s your most twisted, perverted or odd fantasy? none haha. 3675. What’s wrong with lieing? potentially hurting the person you’re lying to. 3676. If you could have lunch with any _______ who would it be? rock star? prince. actor/actress? avan jogia. political leader? obama. historical figure? christopher columbus. dead person? marilyn monroe. person from your past? my grandparents. person in the world? my boyfriend. writer? j.k. rowling. artist? frida kahlo. fictional character? harry potter. Disney character? aladdin. What’s a samuri? huh? 3677. Dedicate a song to someone right now. no. 3678. It’s christmas eve at ten o'clock at night and YOU HAVE NO SHOPPING DONE! The only thing that’s open is the grocery store and the drug store. Do you do all your christmas shopping in the grocery and drug store? honestly, i probably could. 3679. If superman is so powerful how does he get with Louis Lane? Wouldn’t he kill her? no idea. 3680. What do you think of Jane Fonda? no opinion on either. Alan Alda? 3681. Remember Mary Poppins? Feed the birds tuppence a bag. What is 'tuppance’? no idea and they’re spelt differently too. 3682. What was the saddest most tear jerking heart wrenching moment of the movie Titanic? when jack dies, duhhhhh. or when the musicians play their piece knowing that they’re gna die. 3683. Would you like a nice hot bath? yesssss. 3684. Why is jesus always pictured as white when he came from the middle east and was probably middle eastern? idk. 3685. Which is worse: Sand in your underwear or Sand in your mouth? mouth. 3686. Has President Bush made his case for war with Iraq? idk. 3687. Should Senator Lott resign (or have resigned) his leadership post? idk. 3688. If you could pick time’s person of the year who would you pick? idk. 3689. Name all the people you know who you are attracted to and what is attracctive about them? just my boyfriend. 3690. What does RSVP actually mean? idk what it stands for but it means tell me if you’re attending or not before this date lol. 3691. Is rhyming fun? no. 3692. Are your dreams violent? no. 3693. What 3 questions would you love to ask either your mom or your dad? idk. 3694. What are the hardest words to say? i don’t love you anymore. 3695. Should I smile because we’re friends or cry because that’s all we’ll ever be? smile. 3696. What do you think of the slogan 'you laugh because i’m different. I laugh becuse you are all the same’ haha so cheesy and sooo 2005. 3697. How do you stop dry elbows? rub lotion on them. 3698. Why don’t people MAKE gifts more often? people would rather spend money than spend time making gifts. 3699. Tell it to the world! Read my lips: no. 3700. Do you like those plastic couch coverings? hate them.

[daisyckinguk]

Shanghai American School teacher dismissed for sending sexually explicit messages for students: Shanghaiist

A view of Shanghai American School, Puxi Campus.

A very popular and even revered veteran educator in the Shanghai American School (SAS) has been fired a month, causing a cascade of disturbing allegations made from the teacher by former students that have rocked the SAS community.

SAS, among China’s top foreign schools, dismissed high school English teacher James Mikkelson at November after an investigation to a concerning reports regarding inappropriate relationships with former students. In a letter to parents, Marcel Gauthier, Head of School, declared which Mikkelson had made choices “inconsistent with SAS standards for ethics and professionalism.”

Gauthier reported that at the course of the investigation that was conducted “with the support of some strategic consulting partner specializing in ethics risks”, pornography was discovered on Mikkelson’s school personal computer and, more troublingly, sexually explicit messages which he had delivered to students were discovered.

A photo of James Mikkelson posted in 2007 on a Facebook group he used to keep in contact with former students, called “Mikkelson’s Victims.”

Shortly after Mikkelson’s shooting was made public, a site appeared online called “Survivors of James Mikkelson,” made by a former pupil who promises to be among those instructor’s victims. Within an introductory article, the former pupil writes that the site is a place for survivors of sexual abuse committed by James Mikkelson into “join with one another, share their stories, and have their own voices heard.”

In a remark underneath that article, another SAS alumnus enticed the website’s creator of defamation rather than only developing a hate page directed at Mikkelson.

About a week later, the website’s creator responded to that assertion with a lengthy article, detailing allegations from Mikkelson which go far beyond just sexting with students, including sexual abuse, groping, and sexual intercourse.

Shortly after I became his pupil, Mikkelson started explicit conversations with me about sex. These conversations happened in individual in addition to through text, email, and discussion. They escalated into expressing sexual desire for me personally and describing sexual fantasies involving me. While speaking explicitly with a kid about sex is in fact sufficient to constitute child sexual abuse, the abuse did not stop there. Mikkelson groped me in a school event. He delivered me explicit photos and movies of himself. He invited me to places out of school where, once coaxing me into a relaxed country with alcohol that he bought, he chased me in to doing sexual acts. He touched me tremendously behind the closed doors of his classroom, on school grounds, at the middle of the school day. He had sexual intercourse with me. I was his pupil. I was a kid.

At the time I didn’t have some adult characters in my life whom I trusted. Mikkelson very rapidly became my principal source of emotional support. He voiced sympathy once I talked about issues with my loved ones. He invited me to pursue my own academic interests over my parents’ preferences. He exhibited obvious favoritism for me personally at the classroom, that made my adolescent ego feel special and appreciated. (This practice is also referred to as grooming.) When he began to say sexual desire for me personally, I was uncomfortable and unsure of how to respond. I grew accustomed to it since I placed him in the astounding and naïve trust of a young individual. I could not have believed that he didn’t have my best interests at heart. I looked up to him and wanted nothing over his continuing validation. He might have asked me to do anything. He also did. He capitalized on my vulnerability and immaturity to perpetrate sexual abuse.

I’ve got more evidence than I could need for of all of the above mentioned. I have emails full of sexual content. I have chatlogs that show the painstaking and slow method of my being dressed. At first, Mikkelson examined the waters by dropping in a couple of sexual comments per dialog; a few weeks later, he regaled me with pornographic descriptions of sexual fantasies. I analyzed these logs lately in contemplating whether or not to reach out to SAS, and discovered announcements by Mikkelson that specifically admit a number of the sexual acts which happened between us. As relieved as I am to have concrete evidence of what happened to me personally, it wasn’t a particularly pleasant read. It was excruciating, not just because of hindsight, but since I am now a grownup pained by the knowledge that my kid self could not have understood, and didn’t understand, what was actually happening.

You’ll be able to read the full article here.

Widely shared one of the SAS community, the article attracted over 60 comments from former and current students discussing Mikkelson, his behaviour for a teacher, and the allegations made against him. When put together, these comments reveal a blueprint of a favorite teacher with his power and influence on prey on young female students, something which might have been going on for over a couple of years.

We have picked out some thoughtful and revealing comments, beginning with one by a former teacher who laments that she never spoke up after Mikkelson allegedly sent her naked pic:

Feel really sad and scared on hearing. I was instructing in SAS for many years. However, I must understand Mikkelson within my master course. He was also the workshop leader for UBD. At start I thought he was really kind and knowledgeable. And he included me wechat after which we start chat for a few months. At start we talked about teaching techniques and books. He also did helped a lot in sharing his own literature knowledge. Provided that subject leading by him become deeper and more private, he described lots of sexual information from publications and then his private life. He did it at a quite character way and seemed it is not offended while speaking those topics. He delivered poems and stated he wrote for me. I felt wired, but didn’t think further because we trust our colleagues. Then 1 day he delivered one of his naked pic in my experience and I was embarrassed and angry. As soon as I pointed it is inappropriate behavior, he was angry and immediately block me. I also deleted him. He seemed to be a rather kind and understanding individual, but he really is wicked. Then I abandoned SAS, never contact him. But my heart is wholly in pain on seeing this site. Hope that the survivors can be treated. It’s not your fault, since he is great at disguised and feign to be a terrific individual. I feel deeply sorry about hearing this.

Another man who claimed to be Mikkelson’s former co-worker in Italy years ago abandoned another remark:

I operate with Mikkelson in Milan many decades ago. He was made to resign after many female students complained about his inappropriate behavior. In Milan that the parents needed him put in jail. In China they don’t think the same I suspect. We hear about this in Italy and call things what they are. This man is a child molester. Nothing more needs stating.

A former pupil remembers accusations out of nearly a decade ago concerning Mikkelson’s inappropriate behavior towards his female students:

I figure it didn’t entirely surprise me once I heard that Mikkelson was fired for sexual misconduct. Back when was I at SAS nearly ten years ago, you’d hear small bits and pieces on how he had text a few of his favorite female students individually, give them nicknames, and of course that the somewhat creepy sexual innuendos he would earn here and there in class. Of course nobody thought a lot of it, in our age. More to the point, we were blinded by the admiration and respect we had for him.

I was among those students who revered Mikkelson at high school. I mean, revered. I belonged to that category-naturally literary, and awed by intellectualism, lacking a authority figure-over whom Mikkelson exercised the most power. Even now, he stands out among the teachers that had the profoundest influence on me in my whole life. Without doubt, if I were in high school I’d be among the very first of his acolytes to defend him, query you, and probably strike you on your claims.

However, I’m lucky enough to have spent sufficient time from high school that his air has faded. Time and experience let me see clearly that his brilliance wasn’t in his teaching-in fact, as I learned in college, many of his thoughts were from books and other sources-but within his acting. His ability to play the part of Socrates, the philosopher, the grand play of turning his classroom to a intellectual and moral academy-that by which his genius lay. Behind the action wasn’t a wonderful mind or soul; it was the predator you have exposed. I think for most graduates my age, it is not that difficult to see anymore.

I do not really think I have a point for this article, except to demonstrate that you have another person, somebody who once worshipped Mikkelson, that believes you. I can only imagine how many other people there were over the years. You are intelligent and brave and you have my utmost respect.

A recent SAS pupil describes that the “cult of personality” Mikkelson constructed to himself together with his loving students:

I am a senior in SAS this year, and I’ve just had Mikkelson for 3 months but I was definitly in his “cult of personality,” as you described. I recall when news broke of his dismissal, my fellow seniors and I bowed our heads and cussed the faculty for letting go “the single teacher who really taught us.” The following day, the school organized my AP Literature class to talk to the school psychologist and now I recall people were crying and shouting at how unjust it was that the school let him move in this public fashion, how our schooling is destroyed, how his replacement was dreadful.

Even I fell for it. I messaged him after his dismissal like several different seniors. Even then, I knew we just craved that piece of recognition from him. In particular, my message stated that it was wonderful to see “blossom for a leader” from the classroom. I recall I felt myself tearing up once I saw his message as I felt as if my schooling had actually no goal. This cult of character he has made him around is trly terrifying. Reading your website was like waking up from a nightmare and realzing I was.

I am truly disgusted at how simple I dropped for his scheme. I am quite horrified at myself that I thought it was unbelievably unfair that the school fired him or that people were turning against him. I can’t belive it took me long to see the toxicity of his behaviour, in how inconsiderate we were in never asking ourselves that the wellbeing of his victims. How can we move on from idolizing him as a “Socrates” philosopher? How can we get pass this cult of personality that’s influenced of our lives?

I am so incredibly sorry that you needed to go through that. No one, and I mean no one, should have to go through abuse by a trustworthy adult figure at a period of self doubt and self awareness. If theres something current SAS students can do, please allow me to know and I will relay this to my course.

A former pupil who claims that Mikkelson delivered her sexually suggestive messages a decade past:

I understand you said you are not looking for validation, but I wanted to discuss another data point: I think you because I might have been you. I understand everything in your article: that the favoritism and compliments intended to soften up me, the surreptitious petition for my contact number, the sexually suggestive comments peppered throughout texts and mails to check the waters. I recall my distress at my messages, and I recall cleaning that off since I felt almost grateful for his attention. I was insecure and hungry for recognition. I’ve just recently been capable of realizing all the forgettable manners he took advantage of that.

It never escalated past messages for me personally and I will probably never understand why. Perhaps he discovered a vulnerable target elsewhere – I certainly wasn’t the only student he was texting that year. It was an open secret, therefore poorly maintained it was almost a joke.

More than anything though, I wish to apologize. Mikkelson was my teacher ten years ago. Perhaps this would have finished ten years ago if I’d said something.

Another former pupil with a similar story to tell:

Thanks for sharing your own story. I, also, had numerous trades with Mikkelson during my senior year of high school, the majority of that I was seriously depressed. He was aware of the fact as I had numerous personal meetings with him in which we would just ‘discuss lifestyle’, the majority of which would finish with me crying. Sometimes our mails could creep into sexual territory or become uncomfortable for me personally, Mikkelson would often remark on how ‘pretty and smart’ I was and how everyone who was giving me a difficult time’d no idea what they were searching past. He knew I was exposed and I would feed off of the compliments viewing as they were all I had at that time in my entire life. Though this relationship never went past flirtartious mails and book recommendations until my sophomore year of college, I feel dumb for buying into his bullshit. The fact that students held him in their own worship is indeed ill and the superiority complex he utilizes to obtain ‘esteem’ was only a facade for his personal fucked up self.

James Mikkelson in better days.

In reaction to the blog article, several SAS alumni have composed a open letter into the school and community, publicly expressing their support to people talking out and persuading the SAS administration to “take steps toward averting Mikkelson’s hiring in other educational institutions.” Those alumni who agree with all the letter’s message have been invited to set their name at the Google Doc. The correspondence currently has dozens of interpretations.

Responding to enquiries from Shanghaiist, ” a spokesperson for SAS reported the school revoked Mikkelson’s China job visa upon dismissal on November 7th, and shared signs of his illegal behavior with lawful government from both China and the US.

Even though Mikkelson was in his 13th successive year of service in SAS, reports Mikkelson’s inappropriate connections with students just came to light in the school this September, added the spokesperson.

Before hiring employees, SAS states that it conducts extensive backgrounds checks, including FBI background checks and references are needed from previous managers.

One factor complicating the situation is the fact that the age of approval from China is 14. Chinese legislation also makes no distinction between a teacher and some other adult, school administrators say.

Profile image on James Mikkelson’s left handed Instagram account.

By contrast, under US law, a citizen could be penalized for having intercourse with a minor overseas. In the state of Washington, where Mikkelson is purportedly out of, teachers who engage in sexual activity with a pupil could be charged with a felony or gross misdemeanor.

Meanwhile, the SAS has responded to the blog article with another correspondence to parents and former students, informing them of measures which are being taken after Mikkelson’s dismissal, for example offering counselling to students and reviewing all of protocols related to child protection.

“We recognize that if the allegations from the site are accurate, then fantastic injury has been done,” composed Gauthier, the Head of School. “Know that we have done all we can to ensure that Mr. Mikkelson doesn’t teach again and also to warn our community from having contact with him. Our purpose is to get a definite plan in place and shared with the SAS community ahead of our winter holiday break.”

“We have certainly responded with terrific care to anybody who has written us on the subject of Mr. Mikkelson’s death and invited them to discuss additional,” added Gauthier. “To date, no alumnus has come forward and identified themselves. We stand prepared to support them and when they do.”

It remains unclear whether he has returned into the usa, or left handed China into a third country.

If you’ve got a comment or tip concerning this story, please write to us in info@shanghaiist.com

from network 10 http://www.k4teens.info/shanghai-american-school-teacher-dismissed-for-sending-sexually-explicit-messages-for-students-shanghaiist/

[jackxdawlish]

the whole story

CHARACTER’S FULL NAME : John Dawlish.  No middle name and no, John isn’t a nickname.  He’s often called Jack, though he never understood how Jack became a nickname for John.  He never understood why John needed a nickname at all, to be perfectly honest.  Especially one that only has one letter in common and isn’t actually any shorter.  John is the fourth John Dawlish in his family, though they luckily let the number go after the third.  His mother affectionately calls him Jr, just to minimize confusion, since both he and his father switch back and forth between John and Jack.  

CHARACTER’S AGE / BIRTHDAY : 27 / 12 September 1951

OCCUPATION : Auror.  John didn’t always know he wanted to be an Auror.  In fact, he never really thought about it when he was in school at all.  John had no real idea what he wanted to do.  He took whatever NEWT level classes interested and any he thought might be helpful down the line, but never had a specific focus.  After leaving Hogwarts he got a job at the Ministry as an undersecretary in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, mostly because it was what was available at the time and it was as good as anything else.  Not that you would have known it from his interview, however.  John Dawlish, if ever good at anything, was always good at selling himself.  While the job was a placeholder for him, he interviewed as if it was his dream to follow on the coattails of whatever minister or other, learning at their shoulder how to run the world.  He’d been at the Ministry just under two years when the idea of being an Auror finally crossed his mind.  Between observations around the ministry, the things he read in reports, and the potential adventure the job held, John took a liking to it.  So he put in his notice and requested a transfer to Auror training.  Many underestimated him, having known him as the assistant to the assistant to their boss and not a wizard capable of the physical and magical demands being an auror put on a person.  But John had never before met a challenge he couldn’t conquer, and that would be no exception.

WAND DESCRIPTION : Hornbeam with a unicorn tail hair core, 14¼ inches, rigid.  This is a wand for the stubborn and for the determined.  Hornbeam wands adapt quickly to the style of magic of their owner and, when truly loyal, will refuse to perform magic that does not fall in line with the user’s moral code - wherther good or bad.  They find themselves most often in the hands of wizard’s with a single pure passion.  Combined with a unicorn tail hair core, this wand is one that will be wielded by only one wizard in all of it’s history, and will undoubtedly expire before it can be used by another.

WHY THIS CHARACTER? : I have been staring at John Dawlish for a couple weeks now and it took me a long time to really find in my head who he is.  I was intrigued by him at first because Armie Hammer and because I always had this theory about Dawlish.  I always thought to myself, ok.  In the Harry Potter series we have this Auror who Dumbledore tells us is exceedingly smart.  He achieved outstandings in all of his NEWTS.  And yet, every time we see him, he is getting his ass handed to him in the most ridiculous ways.  He gets beat to hell by Augusta Longbottom, Dumbledore gets the drop on him even though the is on high alert, he tripped over another colleague and knocked himself unconscious!  Why, JK, would you bother telling us how smart Dawlish was meant to be if you were just going to make him this foible.  So I started thinking and I came to this conclusion that I then fell in love with.  John is a soldier, the kind that follows orders and believes in a cause.  This can take so many different forms, though, and not all soldiers are in the Order of the Phoneix.  John’s loyalties lie with the Auror Department itself.  It took him a long time to find his place there and when he did, he found a home.  But even thought that was his unit, that was his home, he knew that Voldemort was wrong and could not be allowed to win.  So he stayed with the Aurors faithfully and did what he could to uphold his duty from within.  Proving useless to Voldemort, allowing himself time and time again to be beaten when it would serve the people he believed could defeat Voldemort.  And now I’m just crying over John Dawlish okay.

AFFILIATION : I answered a lot of this up on the last question because I was rambling but.  John is neutral.  He officially sides with neither the Order of the Phoenix nor the Death Eaters, though he has his strong opinions about each organization.  As far as the Death Eaters are concerned, Dawlish believes they are a menace to everything good about the world and that they must be stopped before they can gain any real power.  It is no secret that he is one of their more vehement opposers in the Auror Department and someone responsible for a fair number of their arrests and setbacks.  As for the Order, his opinions are far more elusive.  John knows of the Order - he would have to be a crap Auror not to - but while he supports their goals, their methods and their operations go against his personal code.  They are vigilantes, when you get down to it, and John is a firm believer that the system is in place for a reason.  One extreme faction cannot be balanced by another, they can only pound against one another until something combusts.  

HOW DOES YOUR CHARACTER FEEL ABOUT THE WAR? : John does fight in this war, every day and with all that he has.  Just because he’s not a member of the Order, doesn’t mean he doesn’t do everything in his power to undermine and put down Voldemort and his psychotic followers.  Muggle blood runs just as strong in his veins as does magical and John doesn’t believe there is a shred of difference.  To persecute people because of their parentage is to him, a base affront to human decency and he is as quick as anyone else to say it.  

WHAT IS YOUR CHARACTER’S GREATEST AMBITION? : John’s greatest ambition is the pursuit of ambition itself.  Never having had a clear vision in mind for his future, John only knew that he wanted to be great.  He wanted to meet and exceed expectations at every turn.  Having found a career he is passionate about in the Auror office, John channels that desire for greatness now into his work.  

HEADCANONS :

1. John’s favorite subject in school was Transfiguration.  In that class, Charms coming in a close second, there was a definite ability to excel.  It wasn’t a soft subject like History or Divination, it was cut and dry.  He could practice, work at technique and pronunciation, and he could improve.  John one day hopes to become a registered Animagus, merely because to be able to achieve the title would be a challenge.  

2. He graduated top of his class at Hogwarts, achieving NEWTS in the greatest number of classes one could feasibly take at a time (at least until Hermione Granger).  

3. His favorite time of the day is morning.  He is an early riser, not one to sleep for excessive amounts of time.  Time spent sleeping is, in his opinion, time spent wasted.  He can get more done before nine am than most can get done in a day.  

4. John is demisexual. He’s not an overtly sexual person, he doesn’t generally flirt or go for one night stands or flings.  He most often feels attraction to people based on his emotional connection to them, not based on their looks or their gender (though his preferred gender is generally male).  He is far more likely to fall for someone he is already close to and already admires and respects than he is to fall for the hot guy at the bar.  

5. After the second war, John withdraws from he magical community.  He resigns from the Ministry and moves back home, living for a time with his brother and his family.  He puts his wand away, living as a muggle.  

SHIPS / ANTI-SHIPS : John/Chemistry

EXTRA INFORMATION :

1. BOGGART: John’s boggart is complete darkness.  It’s the kind of dark that cuts your senses off at the knees.  You can’t see but it’s so dark that you can’t even be sure you can hear.  You can hear everything but at the same time, nothing.  And you don’t know if it’s because there is nothing to hear or because you’ve gone deaf as well as blind.  John fears losing access to his senses.  They have always been his greatest asset and the idea of being without them terrifies him.  To dispel the boggart, to bring light to the dark, he imagines the mos ridiculous of suprise parties.  With the shouting of the word Riddikulus, the lights come on and people in masks appear from behind furniture and from thin air.

2. PATRONUS: John’s patronus is a hawk.  Hawk’s are observant animals, capable of taking in all relevant details around them, creating a plan, and executing it to perfection . It represents a perfectionist, someone who is both observer and hunter and covers both sides of the coin.  Someone independent, who relies on himself before others.  To conjure his patronus, John calls on the memory of his brother.  It isn’t just one memory that fuels the spell, but a montage of moments over the course of a lifetime.  His brother’s wedding, summers spent exploring, nights spent talking until the sun rose, the unconditional support and love he feels with his brother and finds in him.

BIOGRAPHY

John Dawlish was born into a family, a home, and a life that was remarkably free of dramatics or extremes.  He was the oldest of two sons, born into a family balanced perfectly between the magical and muggle worlds.  His mother, a muggle born witch, and his father, a halfblood, were resolutely normal people.  Both were Healers, his father worked at St. Mungo’s and his mother worked in her own practice in their small home town.  His entire childhood would be spent answering whether or not he would follow in their footsteps.  

And for a time he thought he might. But then, the young John Dawlish also thought he might be the Minister for Magic, a professional Exploding Snaps player, the front man for a muggle band, a professor at Hogwarts, an author, a journalist, a missionary, or a dragon tamer.  He never could settle on just one thing he wanted to do, the only thing he could settle on was that whatever he did, he wanted to be the best.  

When he was four, his first important job was thrust on him.  His brother, Timothy, was born.  John wasn’t entirely thrilled with that development, or so his parents always told him, and he didn’t doubt them.  Some of his earliest memories are of running off with his friends, his little brother left behind because he was too small or too boring or too - his brother.  There was no rhyme or reason to why he didn’t want the smaller Dawlish around, it just wasn’t what you did.  He was four years older, after all.  He was on an entirely different plane than the shy little boy who preferred reading to playing at the park or stealing cookies out of the cookie jar.  It was the only job that John didn’t try to excel at right away.  In fact, he never thought about his failures as a brother, not while he was young.  

Neither of John’s parents much worried about his magical aptitude.  He was young when he showed his first signs of magic, only six.  He was out playing in the backyard with some of his mates and they were all taking turns jumping over the creek that bordered the Dawlish’s yard.  John, with a need to be the best as always, had not yet reached the imposing height he would one day achieve and should not have been attempting the jumps he was.  He took a running start and began his sixth leap, the leap that should have won him the bragging rights and also should have landed him in the hospital with a broken neck and paralyses.  His foot slipped as he pushed off the ground and by all rights he should have landed on his neck in the shallow rock bottomed creek.  Instead, he sailed over it, crossing an impossible distance, as his mother watched with her heart in her throat from the kitchen window.  

He was too busy being scolded by his mother as she ran out of the house to realize that what he’d just done had been magic.  He didn’t even realize that was what had happened until he overheard his mother recounting the story to his father, titling her story ‘the first magic john every did.’  After that, he tried and tried and tried to perform magic again.  He snuck his father’s wand out at night after bedtime, playing with it and trying to make it spark or flash or do something.  The first books he ever read were spellbooks, reading and thoroughly mispronouncing spells whenever his mother wasn’t looking.  He set more things on fire than any muggle boy could dream of doing but each failed attempt was just a step closer to success.  By the time he got to school, he could perform a number of small spells and he was happy to demonstrate them for anyone who would humor him enough to watch.  

It was this pattern of obsessive hard work that made John’s mother think he would be a Hufflepuff, as she had been, when he finally went to Hogwarts. But it wasn’t a dedication to hard work itself that John was expressing.  It was a desire to be the best.  It was a trait that would land him very firmly in Slytherin.  John fit well in his house, thriving on the challenge of living among other overachievers.  He was one of the quieter boys, not because he was shy but because he was constantly taking in his surroundings.  He watched people, listened to them when they didn’t know he could hear, learned from them.  And he used it all to his own advantage.  

And then when John was fourteen, his failures as a brother - the only thing he’d ever really failed at - were put into sharp focus.  His brother should have been getting his letter that year, should have started his first year at Hogwarts when John started his fifth.  But his brother would never come to Hogwarts.  Though the family had been waiting with bated breath, Timothy Dawlish never showed any magic and when he turned eleven, they had to face facts.  He was a squib.  John knew that was bad, in theory, but it wasn’t until he went home for summer holidays that he saw how desolate Timmy was.  The boys had never been close before that summer but after, John could never be called a bad brother again.  

They spent every day together, John curbing every show off urge he had and living for three months completely magic free.  When he went back to school, his brother was not the only crying at their goodbye.  For the first time, though, they kept in touch with letters and pictures, they were closer than ever and would remain that way from that point forward.  

John’s ambitious nature didn’t flag all the way through school, even when faced with the need to choose a career and finding himself unable to do so.  Instead of having a focus, he simply took all the NEWT courses he could handle, achieving Outstandings in every one.   He left school and got a job in the Ministry, working as an undersecretary to the Minister of Magical Law Enforcement.  He worked there for two years before the idea of being an Auror truly crossed his mind.  His friend from school, Alastor, was an Auror and between the stories he heard from him, the things he read in the reports, and the general air of adventure and greatness that followed the Aurors, John thought it was worth the pursuing.  He didn’t intend to find in that job a passion for the work and for the principles.  He didn’t expect to love it.  

PARA SAMPLE

“But Jackie, I don’t understand.  If you’re fighting so hard, why not?  It makes sense.”  

John was sitting in the main room of his brother’s house, a beer in his hand as the two talked.  Upstairs, Tim’s wife was giving their twin girls a bath and getting them ready for bed while the brothers caught up.  Though a squib, Tim’s wife was a witch and between her and the rest of the Dawlish family, Tim was as well aware of the war as anyone else.  Somehow the conversation had gotten onto the topic of the rumored group of fighters who were forming a group to oppose the Death Eaters, John was hesitant to talk about.  

“Because they’re not fighting the right way,” John pointed out, perhaps for the third time.  His voice wasn’t argumentative, not bitterly so.  It was a debate, the kind common between the brothers.  “Everything they do is unsanctioned and illegal.  So yeah, they stop some Dark Wizards but they’re breaking the law themselves.  Unless they kill them, there’s no official way to clean up their mess.  And if they do kill someone, we’ve got to bring one of the ‘heros’ in and that makes our job as Aurors harder.  

Timmy, John knew, was a romantic.  And well removed from the fighting.  To him, these heroes - the Order - were knights in shining armor.  They were the ultimate good that would save them all but to John, they only complicated matters.  They had a good foundation, he could at least say that, and he wouldn’t argue with their end goals.  But he couldn’t approve of their methods, not when he found himself jumping through hoops to make any good come of some of the more - unorthodox - things they had done.  

“It’s a war.  There isn’t any right way.  There’s just good and bad.”  

John shook his head.  He wished it were that simple.  He wished he could look at the world and only see in shades of right or wrong.  That there wasn’t more to think of other than the idealistic images everyone wanted.  There would always be both sides, even when the war was over, John knew that.  There was no way to win this war and make it last if all you wanted to do was wipe out the other side.  

“It won’t always be a war.  One day the war will be over.  And if either of these groups have their way, the other side will end in flames.  And flames only make it easier for stronger factions to rise from the ashes.”