#which doesn’t happen to me these days
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I’m trying to fall back in love with myself by forcing myself to take selfies and nudes.
#So I’d say sorry for spamming y’all with my posts#but ya girl is on a self love journey#so I’m really not sorry#also because I didn’t take pictures of myself for a long ass time#so you’ve had a long break from me spamming myself#🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😂😂😂#but I think it’s working#I went out earlier today and wasn’t overly self conscious#and I actually felt kinda hot and attractive#which doesn’t happen to me these days#be proud of me?#mine
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“requiem for methuselah” crazy ass episode for many reasons. Kirk is being fully insane, like I don’t actually think, even controlling for how quickly and easily and readily he seems to fall in love with anybody at the slightest encouragement, that he’d go that bonkers for that android woman he just met while everyone on the ship was this close to dying, but that’s neither here nor there, because in the background you’ve got an equally but much more subtly insane episode for Spock, who extremely uncharacteristically admits to experiencing an emotion (or nearly experiencing, whatever) and that emotion is ENVY of all things. And then spends the rest of the episode warning Kirk away from this new love interest (something that doesn’t usually happen, even when Kirk has very inadvisable love interests) and is, in the end, the person who accurately identifies that Rayna’s competing love for Kirk and Flint is ultimately what overwhelms and destroys her with the most killer line in maybe history???
And then to wrap it up we get an equally uncharacteristic sort of denouement scene (TOS loooves to cut an episode off right after the actual climax, leaving little time for falling action or character reflection, or to stick a sitcom-y button on the end where the gang all smiles and laughs at their misadventures and everything resets to zero, which is not a criticism, it’s just the style of that era of tv, honestly) where Kirk is literally miserable over Rayna’s death (again, kind of unusual for a lot of his love interests, he tends to be able to move on pretty quickly) and Spock goes to see him and he falls asleep right in front of Spock (also odd) and then when Bones comes in to give the final word on Flint, Spock waves him off from waking the Captain (tender) and Bones gives him that awful speech about how it’s sadder that Spock can’t even imagine the love Kirk felt for this random android woman than it is that Kirk lost her in the first place (debatable but also rude) and how his great tragedy is that he can’t love at all like they can and how all he wishes is that Kirk could forget about all of this and move on. AND THEN, to have Bones leave and Spock go over to Kirk and very gently, tenderly, reluctantly touch him and put his hand to his forehead and tell him to forget and HAVE THAT BE THE END OF THE EPISODE??? What am I supposed to do with that??
#‘the joys of love made her human. the agonies of love destroyed her’ hUH. What a cool line.#hope it doesn’t become some sort of…thesis statement for you or something SPOCK#listen my number one beef with the way they write bones is that they just make him completely mischaracterize everything to suit the plot#this man is not an idiot he KNOWS Spock has emotions and just suppresses them#you’re going to tell me he’s been on that ship with Spock for years and thinks he feels no love whatsoever for anyone???#like even after what happened in the empath and in that episode where McCoy thought he was dying#he knows Spock loves people!!! COME ON#does he really just mean romantic love?? that’s so boring WRITE HIM BETTER#also they’re banking a lot on people remembering what the Vulcan mind meld is for that last bit#like I know it comes up a lot but…this is 1968 or whatever. They don’t have this shit on dvd to rewatch#you’re counting on really dedicated fan memory here or on people catching reruns#because otherwise it just looks like Spock waiting to be alone to touch Kirk as tenderly as possible and pray he forgets this woman#truly what’s going on#anyway I kind of hated this episode#like quite frankly there was too much going on#are androids people? would Kirk fall in love that hard that quickly and choose it over the safety of his crew?#why wasnt the illness ravaging the crew a bigger deal??#they didn’t even get into WHY flint was immortal#he was just a regular human and apparently the ONLY one who was granted immortality by the earth’s atmosphere#leaving aside the very creepy and very early born sexy yesterday trope going on throughout#but it was a really good Spock episode if you just��.dont look at anything else….#the writer for this one also did Day of the Dove and Mirror Mirror which explains a LOT#two other episodes that are interesting for the character dynamics but really chaotic plot wise#anyway imagine saying to Spock’s face that he has no idea what love can drive a man to do#one has to laugh#tos#star trek#as always…. I’m sorry that I’m Like This
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big believer in rocky being an extremely angry person actually! so much of it is internalized and he very much channels it into specific things ( like wick, or more recently, marigold ) but this doesn’t negate the fact that he is angry and resentful. sometimes being mad is more than just punching people and threats of violence! sometimes it’s quiet seething and forced joy. sometimes awful things happen to you and you letting them happen doesn’t mean you won’t become angry about it. sometimes your anger is fear, and sometimes it’s another thing, and actually maybe it’s always coming from some other emotion but it feels like anger and that’s what sticks. and i’ll also just say that his head trauma won’t be helping him with any of these problems in the future either <3
#my posts.#lackadaisy#i’m exhausted from being out all day but had to lackadaisy post. whoops.#definitely might delete this later to word this better in the future!! though it’ll do for now#personally i can see rocky’s anger just fine in the comics and even in the pilot ngl#like. it is not a conventional kind of anger. but that doesn’t mean it’s not a very real thing rocky is feeling a lot of the time#idk!!! thinking and mulling#i just think at this point in rocky’s life he is so perpetually scared of losing what matters to him ( his place within the lackadaisy )#that he can very easily turn it into a sort of wrathful fire at anything he perceives as a threat#like. what will take my home ( which is mine and the people there tolerate me ) away from me?#it’s an obsessive sort of ‘i can’t let this happen again.’#and i think anger and fear are more tied together than most would think!!!#it’s just. rocky’s anger and freckle’s ‘anger’ is interesting to me. it really is.#as i said : thinking and mulling!!!
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Ink October day 3: Sophistry
An argument that seems plausible, but is fallacious or misleading, especially one devised deliberately to be so.
#khux#khux player#kh player#kingdom hearts#kh#kingdom hearts union x#kingdom hearts player#player my beloved#blue boi draws#ink october#ink October 2024#ink October 2024 day 3#watched a bunch of Player cutscenes for this one and Aug AUHG I love them. I always forget how much of a character Player is#but they are truly their own guy. more then even some non-renameable/customisable game protagonists#the utter guts on this kid to challenge multiple foretellers multiple times,fight both Ephemer and Skuld at the same time-#(both very powerful in their own right),AND attempt and succeeded in tricking four of the personifications of darkness themselves is… wow#they’re such a powerful fighter too. like they kick both Skuld and Ephemer’s asses,and sure they were both not aiming to kill and exhausted#from fighting Ven’s darkness BUT SO WAS PLAYER (as well as having just come from the arcade and those fights)#them fooling the darknesses too… along side their two closest friends… I wonder if there was any noticeable change between their normal#fighting style and the one they used there. Skuld and Ephemer didn’t necessarily see them fighting during the war#(only heartless or against one appoint) so I wonder if they fought like that.#the ‘argument that is plausible but misleading’ here is Player being possessed. with all the information available to them it is plausible#but we know for a fact that player is just straight up lying. making shit up. mimicking how darkness spoke before to pretend. which is ki#kinda hilarious to me like you go girl gaslight gatekeep girlboss. gaslight them into believing you’re possessed gatekeep them from dying to#trap darkness and girlboss by winning. amazing beautiful 10/10#I like to think Ephemer never realised、at least while he was alive. something in the tragedy of him never knowing.#of not recogising his dear friend through their deception. of dying thinking he failed them. that it wasn’t their choice.#and he did fail them in a way. there’s this recurring theme in Kingdom Hearts where the hurt lingers despite the memories being gone.#Player is very much effected by this with their memories of the war being gone but still suffering. Ephemer stands by the decision to hide#it thinking it spares them from the burden but it doesn’t it just takes away the context and they deserve to know what happened to them
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sorry to keep personal posting but my day fucking SUCKED and ended with me dropping one of my brand new earrings from a set that I just finished cleaning down the drain, took the sink apart and still couldn’t find it 🙃
if y’all feel like asking a leverage/misc question for thoughts or headcanons I’d love to answer them in the morning! or even if you just want to say something about your day- I just like hearing from you guys 💖
#or ask me abt my lockwood & co hyperfixation/chat w me about the show#and how I have been egged on my a moot to pursue my cot3 hunger games au (I have never finished a longfic)#(was bored at lunch break and wrote a portion of the berry scene 👀)#boss still owes me more than 2.5k and has been gaslighting me and continues to emotionally manipulate me and my coworkers#and cause serious shit that triggers clients in a THERAPY CLINIC#and has started second guessing my work by asking other employees if my input is ‘accurate’#which caused a flare up in my skin picking AND latent SI#ugh sorry for rambling yall I just need to write this out yk#I need a fucking sugar mommy or something 😭😭😭 I need to get out of this mentally/financially abusive job#not leverage#ask me things#jackie talks#about me#mine#this is the worst place I’ve worked which doesn’t necessarily say too much because I haven’t had many jobs#but one of my former bosses was a [redacted school shooting] denier when we were literally 20 min away from where it happened#which still boils my blood to this day LIKE WDYM YOU THIBK THE GOVERNMENT PAID OFF PARENTS AS A PART OF A CONSPIRACY TO INFLUENCE GUNCONTROL#she would tell a new hire ‘J doesn’t like conspiracy theories’#NO [redacted] I CAN DISCUSS THEM FOR FUN IN CONVERSATIONS BUT URS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS#EAT A DICK#hmmm I wonder if I still have anger about that lol#ANYWAYS I finally got my intake after waiting 8mo for the clinic I needed to get in and will be starting therapy in a few weeks#🫡🫡🫡
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Whumptober day 20: dehumanization/stockholm syndrome/master and servant (full under the cut)
Find the royal au masterpost here
In his efforts to wear Abram down to breaking, Prince Riko adopted a slightly different technique into his repertoire: respite. Abram didn’t get a place at the table - eventually most of his suppers were spent underneath it, sitting beside Riko’s chair and occasionally being relegated some scraps. As long as Abram didn’t act up, retaliate, or otherwise rebel against the treatment, Riko would simply leave him alone. One of precious few times he wasn’t in danger of being harmed for others amusement.
The first time Abram was too weak to fight back or make a comment or move much at all, Riko found a whole new kind of amusement in having begun to properly “train” Nathaniel. And it kept on like that. Anytime Abram was too overwhelmed, hurt, sick, or whatever else, he at least knew he’d get a couple hours of rest at the end of the day if he allowed Riko the satisfaction of a quiet supper with his loyal plaything.
#this one even still hurts ME after having drawn and written about it TT#which usually doesn’t happen usually I leave the emotion in the drawing and move on#it’s weird but I don’t know how else to explain it#don’t ask why this is the concept that does it#I have no clue#not to worry I have a comfort post specifically for this#hopefully I have drawn it between the time I’m drafting this and it gets posted#ALSO IF YOURE READING THIS ON THE DAY ITS POSTED#THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE IM IN THE PROCESS OF MOVING INTO NEW APARTMENT AT THIS VERY MOMENT#AHHH#anyway#fan art#my art#aftg#all for the game#neil josten#riko moriyama#royal au#whumptober#emry whumptober 2023#dehumanization
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thinking about how profound it must’ve been for shri’iia when she first received scratch’s ball (woman who has never gotten anything for free in her life ever)
#shri’iia’s relationship with scratch and owlbear cub is that she has only gotten those two for a day and a half and if anything happens to#them she’s gonna kill everyone and herself (she means it)#which is so funny to me bc I usually go for the intimidate options with scratch like she just makes him heel or drop the ball immediately#so she just seems like she doesn’t like the dog but inside she’s like ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️😭😭😭 sobbing pissing herself the dog is so cute#shri’iia watching scratch roll on his back like a wiggling worm and she looks like she’s smiling menacingly and plotting#bc the lack of eyebrows + eye tattoo that looks like devil horns + insanely bright red eyes makes her look sinister#but she’s actually dying inside bc she finds him so cute. she will forgive how he drools on her and everything#also post oath breaking when she’s knee deep in denial I do imagine that he tries to console her w how dogs can sense ur distress and all#that. that’s why she gets attached to him 😭 she hasn’t had anyone console her before 😭#owlbear cub too… sobs she does love her babies but she’s doesn’t express it often she just doesn’t know how#but I do hc that those two are always bound to curl up w shri’iia when she’s in her trance. like when she’s laying down they’re like it’s#free real estate. then this 5 ft woman gets covered by a massive dog and her owlbear cub 🥰🥰#must be so sad for her to find out after the game that the owlbear cub and scratch left#she’s like im NOT upset btw 😭 tears running down her face astarion is like darling what mascara do u use mine isnt that dramatic#then epilogue when she sees them again and she has to give them up to shadowheart 💔💔💔💔#she’s like. clenched fist im so fucking happy for you I’m so serious
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Don’t yell at me but I said two weeks ago that I’m neutral about Chappell roan but I wouldn’t be surprised if she ever did anything or anything came out and my girl just cancelled two huge ass shows the day before because she’s stressed?? Yadda yadda something else can be happening defintely true and I’ll shove my foot in my mouth if it turns out that is true but girl WHAT😭
#as I said I’m neutral I’m meh about her I have zero strong feelings either way#all I’m saying is if I spent thousands made travel plans#which I’ve been seeing people say they’ve already taken whole ass flights#to announce a day before that I changed my mind because im overwhelmed??#once again I get it it’s true there’s something else maybe happening that she doesn’t want to disclose but then say that 😭#say that something is going on I can’t talk about but I have to cancel my show#idk I’m just saying she should fire her pr team because her fans in comment sections have been making better points than them.#once again don’t yell at me I’m not hating or flipping sides or whatever#I’m a lesbian girlie pop and I are on the same side#rae’s rambles
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ALSO I am learning how to teach very introverted students, something my natural skillset as a teacher does not help me with.
#one of my greatest tools in the toolkit of my teaching (imo) is that I am unpredictable#I will turn on a dime and I’ll share a thought from the depths of my soul or back of the pantry of my random opinions#that will make them laugh or hook them and they want to hear more#with a group of introverted students maybe they love to see it maybe they don’t but it doesn’t work for them to become engaged#they get so quiet and so still#and not in the good way that kind of happens but kind of just in the scared mouse kind of way#BUT. this past week I kind of had a breakthrough#I totally wasn’t planning on it but the moment was right so I talked to them about them being quiet and introverted (gently teasing them)!#and then I said ‘but do you like it when I just stand here and talk about the book’ and they were like ‘yeah! kind of the pressure is off’#and then I said ‘oh! that’s good to know. because when you’re quiet it makes me feel like you hate me’#(not realizing until I said it that that was the heart of the issue)#and they laughed in surprise (i didn’t say it in a way where I was putting that burden on them in a serious way)#and then I said ‘yeah last night I went home like ‘omg was that a stupid thing to say about Frank Churchill?? no one responded’#and then they kind of shriek-laughed at me and they were like noooooo#and then they said what if we gave you a thumbs up when you were done so you know we don’t hate you#and I said that would be great#and THEN a few days later I gave them an agenda for our discussion written out on the board#where I talked and they listened (I called it discussion with myself) and then they had questions to ponder and things to talk about#with each other. and a lot of time. and THEN I cold called them (they won’t volunteer)#but by that time they were so much more relaxed and they knew what we were doing#so they talked more! and it was so goooood#ALSO idk if it was them#or me who had changed but by the time I got to lecturing at them again#I could feel the quiet warmth that I could not before#(the absence of which is what makes speaking publicly instantly a torture to me l o l)#and it helped so much! like. they didn’t say much (some of them did the thumbs up)#but I had cleared the expectations for them and for me tbh and it helped. I was not waiting for a response from them so in fact I got more#of one. and best of all I could feel them feeling both the warmth and the power of Emma a little bit more#it is starting to click. anyway this is so much but y eah#I’ve been wrestling with this problem a l l year. cracking it in December lol
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Why are you tagging posts with dates from last year? Did you queue them last year?
… I did.
#Posting gives me apprehension. It's the anxiety of being perceived…#That's why even in the rare occasions I'm making a post to be posted immediately I usually still schedule it to like. Ten or fifteen or–#thirty minutes later#Just so that I don’t have to hit post lol#But yeah I usually simply draft posts and once in a while go dig down for posts from one year ago or so.#Ask me how long does it take me to dive through my ~17 800 drafts of posts (a lot) (90% of them are reblogs of course)#There’s also the fact that I want to reread the posts I’ve made some time after I’ve made them–#so that my brain is rewinded enough to notice any typos#(sometimes I end up rewriting the posts from scratch though so it doesn’t always work.#Other times I’ve reread the posts so many times I’ve memorized the sentences in them and will not notice typos because of that.)#Also sometimes I’m like “something something Akutagawa's bandaids”#or “something something compilation of Akutagawa looking at Atsushi in official art”#which is something I don’t have time to do on the moment and will leave for later#(and occasionally it happens I will never get to it at all. You have no idea how many posts in my queue are just like#“analysis on []” “compilation of []” “[edit concept]” dating as far back as three years ago#which I *should* get to elaborate eventually but eh… Not right now I suppose#On that there' literally a valley of at least 200 discarded posts in my queue “I will get to eventually”#And that's on top of the my original posts that don't make it past the drafts.#Mostly random and spontaneous thoughts that lose value after a day#I'm my own filter lol#people asks me stuff#It's also important to keep track of the date because there's takes I've completely moved on from–#but that I still find it relevant to be posted
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2024 reads / storygraph
Lord of the Empty Isles
sci-fi/fantasy
set on a supposedly utopian planet recovering from a climate crisis, where bonds between people are able to be seen and manipulated (by some people)
follows a young man whose brother was cursed and killed by an infamous outlaw 5 years ago, and he’s finally able to curse him back - but it rebounds, as he’s somehow fatebound to the outlaw
to find a cure and save them both they have to team up, and he quickly finds out that the resources the outlaw is stealing go to the thousands of people neglected on prison planets, and he has to go against what he thought was right to help them
no romance, aroace MC, focus on platonic relationships
arc from netgalley, out june 6
#Lord of the Empty Isles#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#I enjoyed this quite a bit! But I think it could have gone a bit further in places.#It has some interesting concepts and a great cast of characters and yay no romance#I do have a lot of thoughts and little critiques...#it's p obvious where the plot is going and what's going to happen#There’s clearly a lot gone into developing this bond system but to be honest I still don’t entirely get it?#It seems to emphasise that the bonds just reflect connections between people rather than predetermine anything; but also the plot kind of#hinges on Remy and Idrian having a predetermined bond? There are a lot of explanations of intricacies but a lot of it didn’t sink in idk#It’s promoted as QP but to me it reads as a general platonic relationship. I generally expect a depiction of a QPR to have like..#some form of acknowledgement/depiction of the form of their relationship being a particular (undefinable?) kind#with some specific level of commitment? I’m being picky maybe they mean queerplatonic themes/vibes rather than saying it’s a qpr#specifically. the centred platonic relationship is good! it doesn't seem like a qpr to me; at most what could one day be that#also things are solved quite quickly and easily in the end - both the curse and the downfall of the bad guy.#I feared it would go down the route of blaming things on the person in charge rather than emphasising systemic issues which it kinda does….#It’s impossible to ignore right now just how deeply people are willing to believe dehumanising propaganda - and how 'telling the truth'#and exposing the person in power as bad doesn’t actually do anything so that happening here made me go…… oh okay. well.#there is room for a sequel that maybe will explore this tho. idk#complaints aside - I do recommend this! It was fun and pretty unique.#aroace books#no romance
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and like, despite the deliciously shippable couples it has, Twinkling Watermelon is not a romcom, it’s a fantasy coming-of-age. the theme is family, the main relationship is between Eun Gyeol and his father and while their respective romantic storylines are crucial, they’re not central.
which is nice, on the one hand, because it offers a slightly different (and beautiful) kind of story, but then because instead of being [main couple] > [second couple] it’s [son and dad] > [son’s gf and mom], it ends up letting down Eun Yoo and Cheong-ah a bit and leaving their resolutions a bit rushed / open ended (you know, like how in other shows you’ll see the second couple standing together at the main characters’ wedding but no actual, solid resolution).
so the final scene of the show is primarily a bonding moment and a resolution for Yichan and Eun Gyeol, and you don’t get much of Cheongchan and a very quick last-moment wrapping up of Euneun (and like. what happened to our girls in the years in between?? we need answers!)
#which is… not a complaint necessarily#like yah the main characters are Eun Gyeol and Yichan this we know and it makes sense that the ending would be mainly about them#but it does feel like they swept some stuff under the rug for the girls when their stories were just as interesting#like we have the euneun kiss at the end and the very very last scene also belongs to Eun Yoo which is nice#but it’s also like okay wait! how did we get here? how did she realize the truth? what’s her life like now that everything has changed?#there’s definitely like. hints and subtext but I do wish we’d gotten more#and that’s the main couple. the second couple… I mean. they got married obviously#but we KNEW that from episode 1#that was always going to happen and I think it would’ve been nice to just have a bit more of them together at the end#though we do have Yichan speaking about her and making her blush that was cute#like. I’m not *complaining* I’m just saying that that’s where the weakness of the ending lies#it doesn’t have enough time so it sacrifices Eun Yoo and Cheong-ah a bit (especially Cheong-ah)#I feel like I’m not making sense atp just rambling and talking in circles but you get me right?? you understand my feelings#and heck I haven’t even MENTIONED Se Kyeong. no one knows what happened to her fr#elly's posts#twinkling watermelon#day 230925 of twinkling watermelon obsession
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It’s actually insane how fandom in general has become so scared of making weird and dark and ugly works. Like I look at myself and see how I have also subconsciously adapted this instinct to self censor and make things “marketable” and it’s making me want to crawl out of my skin. I need to get weirder and worse and more off-putting hello
#I need to write a proper Spectra&Gus meta bc it’s been cooking me how people don’t Want to see the insanity in them#argh#d0 stuff#negative#d0 smashes the keyboard#like yes#Gus’s devotion and loyalty are extreme and these feelings make him do stupid things that he is absolutely aware of being stupid#but let’s not pretend that these feelings go both ways in their relationship#Spectra (for like. the majority of the New Vestroia except the maybe last 12 eps?) sees Gus as a convenient tool#like Yeah he is like. a person and all that but Spectra doesn’t Interact with him when it doesn’t concern his business so#and also yes. he gives Gus a level of autonomy that one might not exactly expect from how usually these relationships go but#one Has to question if it’s bc of his goodwill or bc he is safe in his knowledge that Gus would never leave him#which. fun and sick and makes them sooo compelling#I would also argue that Spectra/Keith don’t even miss Gus when he ‘died’ as a person at first#but as the second pair of hands for work#like it was quite funny to see Spectra give instructions to air only to be reminded that his minion died#but it does rise the question of why hasn’t it happened before or in any other situation#(which I must say I really dig because yes. Spectra has always been centred around his ambitions so ofc this is where it would hurt first)#but yeah. sth sth Spectra only starts his journey of Actually giving a shit about Gus and acknowledging his importance to him as a person#by the end of nv#you could still argue it was partially (or maybe wholly) motivated by convenience that Gus presents but#it really was the first time Spectra has personally expressed his tie to Gus gah#all of this to say#they are sickos; each in their own way; and I think we can really make this more sinister and insane than we’ve allowed ourselves#throughout the years so far#like yeah. can I see them as a happy couple? sure! but also can I see this as a very codependent (more so from Gus’s angle) relationship#that’s being sprinkled with Tons of manipulation from Spectra? also yes#actually sorry for this wall of tags idk what got me thinking about them again#but it’s so so biting the bars day bc these guys are so fun!! we just have to let them be and maybe read canon through less good intentions#ok uhhh
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tbh when mitski said “you’re my best friend/now i’ve no one to tell/how i lost my best friend”
#my freshman year of college my best friend and I were both a wreck#and on opposite sides of the country#during winter break I made the decision to share certain information with their parents bc I was actively concerned for their safety#they were deeply upset about me betraying their trust like that and asked for a break in our friendship#(a few months later (which happened to be early March 2020. lol) they did shrooms and realized they wanted to talk to me again lmao)#(so we talked and cried and now we’re still best friends almost 4 years later)#and my birthday is in january so it fell right in the middle of the period we weren’t talking#and my friends at school actually put together a really lovely party and it remains to this day the best bday party ive had#(most of my bdays have been sad and shitty lol)#but i just remember being drunk in my friends dorm room with my friends all around me#it was the end of the night people were just kinda chatting in little groups or whatever#and i was lying on my friends bed just miserable bc all I could think about was how my best friend was supposed to be there too#bc my parents were going to fly them out for the weekend as a present#and obviously that just got dropped#and id been talking to my friends about it kind of but all I wanted was my actual best friend#I left them a very embarrassing drunk voicemail that THANK GOD they deleted without listening to#but it’s just. the quiet agony of being angry and sad and hurt because your person doesn’t want to be ur person anymore#and still wanting to talk to them about it. still needing them to comfort you and give you their advice and insights#i don’t want to talk to anyone else about it. they’re not you.#sigh. anyway. ive actually lost several close friends for various reasons ranging from reasonable to bullshit#and it always blindsides me how much I want to talk to THEM about it#so thanks mitski for expressing that so artfully#op
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things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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