#which doesn’t happen to me these days
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I’m trying to fall back in love with myself by forcing myself to take selfies and nudes.
#So I’d say sorry for spamming y’all with my posts#but ya girl is on a self love journey#so I’m really not sorry#also because I didn’t take pictures of myself for a long ass time#so you’ve had a long break from me spamming myself#🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️😂😂😂#but I think it’s working#I went out earlier today and wasn’t overly self conscious#and I actually felt kinda hot and attractive#which doesn’t happen to me these days#be proud of me?#mine
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Backstory theory for Sukuna? I wanted to say Kenjaku and Tengen too but let's just stick with Sukuna for the sake of your sanity
(Written as of JJK 262 using TCB scans and raws. Click images for captions/citations. I want to see how poorly or well this ages.)
I already kind of went into how I think Sukuna’s birth occured answering this ask, and we know for a fact he was born as an unwanted little wretch. But that's not really a full backstory. I was a conjoined twin truther before the reveal so I'm definitely deranged confident enough to propose something.
What is Sukuna's deal anyways?
When I say Sukuna and Gojo are twin flames, I'm referring to how their internal logic and their narrative framing are very similar. For this reason, I believe how they respond to trauma is also similar.
Much of early JJK is a different reread knowing Gojo's specific trauma. His use of the childish Boku as his personal pronoun, his obsession with sweets, having Infinity on all the time, his avoidant attachment style, and his fierce desire to ensure teens enjoy their youth...all these little trauma-induced quirks hidden in plain sight, sometimes as humor, are now depressing reminders of what Gojo went through. You also start to see how paranoid he is about another Toji incident with how he treats Miguel and Hanami...
Sukuna's backstory has probably been set up in the exact same way. It's likely that most of Sukuna's actions and attitude are influenced by some unrevealed/hinted at trauma. Since he and Gojo are twin flames, I'll try to piece it together using Gojo as the blueprint.
Sukuna's Way of Speaking
In the same way Gojo's manner of speaking is unusual for his age, Sukuna speaks really weird even compared to other incarnated sorcerers. If you're not aware, Japanese pronouns do not carry gender, but they do indicate how the speaker views themself and the person they're talking to. (This wiki summary table is quite helpful for this sort of thing.)
Sukuna's personal pronoun is 俺 (Ore) which is very informal, rough, and masculine. And he uses お前 (Omae) as the you pronoun for others which is either a casual thing amongst peers or indicates the speaker's higher status. (It's probably the later given how arrogant Sukuna is.) These are also the same pronouns Yuji uses for himself and others. But because of his personality, we can infer that Yuji uses Ore because he's a sporty boy from the countryside and Omae because he's friendly and views everyone as equals. Same pronouns, but completely different characterizations that get lost in translation.
Sukuna also uses 貴様 (Kisama) as the you pronoun for Gojo. Historically, this was a formal way to show respect and then it evolved into an ironic hostile insult sort of thing, much more rude than Omae. Since Sukuna is 1,000 years old, uses Omae for Yuji, who he hates, we can reasonably assume him using Kisama for Gojo is the formal version. (This would be another very funny instance of Gojo thinking Sukuna hates him but he’s actually trying to be nice.)
All of Sukuna's pronoun usage combined with his personality suggests a very tough and rude individual, which he is. However that rough speaking style is exactly why his frequent use of flowery language, double entendre, clever wordplay, art references, and puns is bizarre.
The weird way in which Sukuna uses words is most known by how he speaks to Megumi during their fight at the detention center. (I'm paraphrasing all this person's translation work for this.)
Sukuna uses the phrase "misetemiro" which is commonly translated as "show me/show me what you’ve got". The caveat here is that the "mi" of "misetemiro" can be written as 見 or 魅. When using 見, translating as "show me" is most accurate. When using 魅? The better translation is "bewitch me/enchant me/charm me/fascinate me".
Sukuna, of course, uses 魅, which means he's saying "enchant me" when he uses "misetemiro". It should be noted that this exact phrasing is used for Mahoraga before it cuts off Gojo's arm. (This is apparently what what Sukuna finds to be enchanting. Violence against Gojo Satoru.)
The thing is, Megumi heard Sukuna say "misetemiro", so he likely assumed the common meaning "show me". This is either a case unintentional misunderstanding or Sukuna making his true feelings dubious. That in of itself is the best example of the double-meaning wordplay Sukuna gets up to.
Sukuna seems to be really fond of puns in particular (very old man of him). He calls Yuji 小僧 (kozō) which can be translated as brat, but it also means young/novice monk.
He also uses extremely outdated words. (An example of which was provided by this user.)
You have all of these conflicting speaking mannerisms balled up into one character. It's as if a gangster/ruffian majored in Literature Arts. And that’s precisely why I think he was of low status at birth.
Sukuna's Upbringing
We all know Gojo's Limitless Cursed Technique (CT) is a literal and metaphorical barrier between him and other people. His technique is his isolation. And how it developed informs us directly of how his interpersonal relationships changed with it.
Back when Gojo only had Blue and Infinity had to be manual, it meant that he had downtimes where he was vulnerable. That physical vulnerability doubled as emotional vulnerability and Gojo was able to form a close relationship with Geto and befriend Shoko. After he awakened, Infinity could be on nonstop. Gojo became untouchable to everyone at all times and it destroyed his relationships.
In the same way Gojo's CT compliments his changes from child to adult, I believe Sukuna's CT does the same.
As we all know by now, Sukuna's Shrine or 御厨子 (mizushi) could be referring to a Buddhist shrine used for storage or a imperial palace kitchen. I think it’s both at the same time. To me Sukuna's CT indicates he initially cooked for the emperor and then became an object of worship at a shrine. But I have some additional caveats to this theory.
We know that Sukuna learns by mimicking others. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say he picked up on formalities while being near nobility if he was of low birth. But how did a lowborn like Sukuna get near nobility in the first place?
So historical Japan had a social caste system called Ritsuryō (you can read more about its application in the Heian Era here). The upper class was called Ryōmin (good citizens) and the lower class was called Senmin (low citizens). Amongst the lower class there are the following subcastes:
Ryōko (dedicated to the imperial family or guards of imperial tombs)
Kanko (dedicated to public ministries)
Kenin (servants of high-ranking families)
Kunuhi (slaves of the court)
Shinuhi (slaves of families)
I think Sukuna was a Kunuhi or court slave during his time as an imperial cook. That would give him access to the higher art forms directly or by listening in while also explaining why his speech appears to be a mesh of two completely different backgrounds. (If he were of noble birth, his personal pronoun would likely be Watashi, Waga, or even Ware-Ware like most snobby upper class characters in Japanese media.)
Another trait of the slave class is their forbiddance from having a registered family name. Both Sukuna and Uraume use full names as a show of respect. The fact they only use single names for each other suggests that they have no family names at all and fall under this low class category.
The other thing to note about this caste system is that class mobility in both directions was possible. To what extent I'm not sure (there’s not a lot of in depth literature in English), but this would allow for Sukuna to rise from a lowborn status and fall back to it as the Disgraced One.
In summary:
Sukuna is born and branded an undesirable. (Some of his tattoos match up with markings for both criminals and outcasts. Particularly the single band around the wrist labeled Hinin, a term that translates to non-human used for the lowest social class.)
Sukuna is taken into slavery where his talents start to show. (Durable, 4 limbs, and quick learning make for great labor exploitation.)
Sukuna, as a slave, eventually finds himself working in the kitchen for the emperor where he meets Uraume, who is there under similar circumstances. (Heian nobles were fascinated by commoner life and sometimes took peasants into the palace for entertainment/exploitation. Please read this entire thread on Heian commoner life it’s very good.)
They rise through the ranks together because of hypercompetence.
Eventually Sukuna becomes so strong that he becomes an involuntary saint/warrior monk. (Heian nobles mobilized monks for rituals and maintaining power.)
The court nobles start a smear campaign out of fear of his power and lowly upbringing, which causes Sukuna to have his Joker moment and start eating people. (Based on the mythological Sukuna stories.)
Sukuna's Theoretical Coping Mechanisms
After Gojo endured the fallout from Toji and Geto, he developed coping mechanisms to deal with it. They're all quite unhealthy to be frank—Gojo is very stuck in the past and seems to be in a near-constant state of trying to relive it, but better.
Those traits were all initially introduced as gags. It all made Gojo appear like a very strange, childish, and questionable adult. In retrospect it's all tragic. So with that in mind, I want to examine some of Sukuna's traits that could be a manifestation of past trauma.
It goes without saying that being a slave is traumatic. And the coping mechanisms developed to deal with that level of dehumanization don't go away if someone escapes it.
Sukuna's extreme aversion to being told what to do and self-centeredness reminds me of the ex-slave character, Izutsumi from Dungeon Meshi. She starts out as a slave paraded around as a circus freak after being experimented on before she's sold to a wealthy clan and forced to be a retainer. A curse is placed on her to keep her from escaping in the form of a tattoo around her neck. When she finally frees herself, she is very cat-like in her selfishness, poorly socialized, and abrasive. (Also she is canonically aroace!)
If you noticed, her personality sounds like a description of Sukuna's, so I'm left thinking he has some variation of that backstory (kind of like a combination of Toji and Geto's). It would fit with him being an unwanted child, explain his bizarre manner of speech, and give him a pretty good reason to be the way that he is.
In the same way Gojo used Hanami to relive his trauma but control the outcome, I think Sukuna uses Binding Vows relive and conquer his enslavement. The vows he constantly makes and breaks with himself are a show of control over thing that hurt him.
When binding vows are first introduced, it's by Sukuna and with chains. In the anime the chains constrict Sukuna until they destroy him.
This imagery is rather oppressive in nature. Similar to a prisoner's chains or a slave's chains. (And it's quite common for prisoners to be used for slave labor too.)
I've previously discussed how I view Kenjaku as someone who exists through nonconsent and causes others to relive their trauma. Gojo's sealing illustrates how this kind of manipulation works. And since Gojo's twin flame is Sukuna, I believe Kenjaku did something similar to him.
We've already established how much Sukuna hates taking orders from people and how much he wants to fight Gojo. Everything he has done for the past 6 months was for Gojo. And guess who stops him from obtaining what he desires? Kenjaku through a binding vow.
Sukuna also calls Yuji an 檻 (ori) which can be translated as cage. The type of "cage" ori can refer to is either one for animals or for criminals. Kenjaku pretty much created Yuji to contain Sukuna in this manner.
So we have 2 forms of restriction encroach on Sukuna's boundaries in a way that would be reminiscent of slavery. If Sukuna and Uraume are former slaves, their treatment of Kenjaku and each other makes sense.
With Uraume, Sukuna is gentle and reassuring. He faces towards them when speaking and will initiate conversations, going out of his way to praise their work. This seems a bit out of character given how harshly Sukuna treats others, even those he respects.
Uraume is constantly apologizing to Sukuna in a way that suggests in the past they were punished severely for the slightest mess up. Given their relationship and how little Sukuna cares when they're not perfect, I don't think Sukuna was the one to make Uraume feel this way. If they're ex-slaves, this constant groveling would read as trauma response, and Sukuna's reassurance would be him showing consideration for someone who went through something similar.
With Kenjaku, Sukuna never makes eye contact, often has his back turned, and only responds when spoken to. Uraume is constantly pissed at Kenjaku's presence and tries to keep the two separate as much as possible.
Whatever binding vow Kenjaku has wrapped Sukuna in is clearly upsetting to the both of them. I imagine those were the tools used to subjugate people within the Jujutsu hierarchy. Wait I don't need speculate on that point, Yuta already did this for me when he was forced to execute Yuji via a binding vow with the higher ups.
And you know who else might have suffered the exact same way? Uro.
And boy is Uro strikingly similar to Sukuna, enough for Yuta to notice. She had no name, was groomed into being a weapon by nobles, discarded after being used, and is now someone who toys with sorcerers as she tries to become her own person while scorning bonds/love.
And if you recall, Sukuna obliterated the Fujiwara Subjugation Clan and Uro isn't really mad at him for that.
Not just Uro, but Ryu is similar to Sukuna as well in his hunger and seeing others as meals to satisfy him.
These parallels seem deliberate and may hint of how Sukuna was treated in the past and what his true motivations are. Uro seeing the incarnation as a chance at a second life as her own person is probably how Sukuna feels. But you know. Both of them are beholden to Kenjaku so that “freedom” came with a steep price.
What separates Uro and Ryu from Sukuna is that they acknowledge exactly why they're here. They reflect on their old lives and take action to address their problems. Sukuna seems to be in some kind of state of denial.
I have no doubt Sukuna is serious when his ideals don't go beyond himself. What's troubling is how unaware of why he feels this way. He won't even acknowledge his hunger for an equal which is obvious to everyone else. He also doesn't seem to know why he incarnated, dodging Kashimo’s question on it entirely. It reminds me of Gojo, who despite being blatantly motivated by Geto and Toji, never shows it except in fleeting instances. And those instances are either internal or deliberately vague to whoever is hearing it.
I think this is because acknowledging he experienced weakness at one point in his life is admitting that he can be put in a position like that again. That can be a scary thing to confront. Gojo doesn't deal with the fact he can be made vulnerable and does everything in his power to prevent it while pretending nothing is wrong. Sukuna is doing the same thing when speaks of the past as briefly as possible and crushes anyone who might have power over him.
Uro herself kind of puts that motivating trauma in the back of her mind until Yuta's Fujiwara heritage and ideas trigger her. Not wanting to recall your life as a nameless slave and having it incidentally brought up by the phrase "live for others" kind of sounds like the beef Sukuna has with Yuji.
And imagine if Uro was trapped in Yuta’s body, where this lucky individual, born free, decides to become a Cog of his own volition. She would probably never stop hating him. (I think Sukuna is mad Yuji chose the life he escaped.)
This would also fit well with his initial view of heriarchies. As long as he's the strongest, he doesn't have to worry about becoming a slave again.
And in a way, this is also him showing concern for Gojo. You’re this strong and letting these fudgers push you around? Kill them.
I also think that's why this Yuji quote is going to age poorly.
I don't think Sukuna ever had the chance to live normally. This would also make this exchange really interesting.
Sukuna suggesting he has suffered more than Yuji fascinates me. Of all the things that could possibly be worse than what Yuji went through, I think existing as a slave and being subject to discrimination since childhood would make for a pretty compelling case.
Rejecting Love as Cope
I’ve been on about how Sukuna hates on love as a cope in other posts. I think the former slave angle gives a little more weight to this idea, his poor social skills, and general aversion to other people.
Love is a type of tethering to another person. Sometimes it results in marriage, a legal contract that binds you to another with a myriad of social expectations. If Sukuna is a former slave, his aversion to that sort of thing is only natural. Relationships of anykind are a bond that comes with restrictions.
I keep bringing up Yorozu because analyzing the ways in which she upsets Sukuna is useful for understanding him. Sukuna is most dead-eyed when marriage comes up and he sees losing as the same thing as death. The common problem here is Yorozu’s desire to control Sukuna’s life.
If you know anything about ex-slaves, it’s that they would rather die than go back to that.
Sukuna being the strongest means that no one can ever hold that kind of power over him again. And like Gojo, he believes human connections and love are a point of weakness that need to be discarded to obtain absolute strength. If Gojo is using that excuse to run away from others, Sukuna is using it too.
Despite rejecting all forms of love for the sake of self-preservation, Sukuna expresses cravings for it in very roundabout ways. Usually with how he mocks it.
Another puntastic bit of foreshadowing with Sukuna and Yuji’s binding vow, Enchain also doubles as a discussion about love.
Here's a link to the full poem and context of it.
In summary, it’s about a soldier who is on the brink of death, having lost nearly everything after being abandoned by those in power, lamenting the happiest days of his life with his love are ones he can never get back. (Kind of sounds like how Sukuna ruins Yuji’s life.)
Sukuna canonically reads literature about love and he will use that knowledge to torment people. That’s pretty interesting for someone who hates it. There’s also the underlying theme of exploitation and discardment in this poem that reflects how Jujutsu Society treats sorcerers. And in both cases, the strength to survive and love can’t be had.
Sukuna calls Kashimo greedy for wanting both. But much much earlier Sukuna warns Yuji that there are consequences for being greedy.
I really wonder why he believes that.
Jujutsu Society and Labor Exploitation
The other interesting thing about Izutsumi is how aimless she is after learning the modifications to her body are irreversible despite obtaining freedom. She simply doesn’t know what to do with this. And that makes sense. Grand ambitions take a backseat when all you know is surviving. Her development involves slowly learning how build relationships with others that aren’t exploitative and coping with the permanent changes to her body. And it only comes about because the people she finds herself with are other social weirdos who give her the space and time to change.
That’s what seems to be the problem with Sukuna. He doesn’t have a space within sorcerer or non-sorcerer society where he’ll be accepted and won’t be exploited. But I don’t need to tell you that, Nanami will.
He’s miserable as a sorcerer or not. Might as well pick the one he is good at.
Later he recounts exactly what made him come back.
And if you noticed, his listlessness after escaping Jujutsu and “I always thought that having a 'purpose in life' had nothing to do with me” is very similar to Sukuna’s boredom and “I'd never though about it. ...Ideals. Desires that go beyond oneself”.
It’s weird that Nanami and Sukuna have similar realizations about their place in society while arriving at completely different ways to deal with it. I think that’s intentional.
From an interview with Gege:
"If there was one thing worth mentioning, it's that no one has the ultimate truth. The “good guys” and the “bad guys”. Some seek to kill the hero out of pure selfishness, but others are led to this decision by logical reasoning. If no one is really right, then no one is wrong either. Each character is guided by their own ethics."
I've interpreted this quote as the author telling me to consider the characters as having similar motivations, but completely different methodologies and logic driving their actions. With that in mind, I have concluded the following:
Every single character that’s kind of insane has recognized the same problem. Japanese work culture sucks. It grinds you to dust, leaves you with no freetime, and even corrodes your identity under the guise of collectivism. “The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.” is the go-to Japanese proverb to justify conformity to this suffering. Uro calls it out exactly.
Toji and Maki are beaten into place, used as scapegoats, and isolated by their families for being born wrong and staining the Zenin reputation by existing. Toji decided the solution was killing sorcerers and leaving Jujutsu society. Maki decided the solution was killing her family (she did nothing wrong) and building a better Jujutsu society with allies.
Geto, Nanami, and Gojo all broke from overwork that isolated them and never allowed them to grieve. Geto decided the solution was killing non-sorcerers and leaving Jujutsu society. Nanami decided the solution was leaving Jujutsu society and doing non-sorcerer work. Gojo decided the solution was reforming Jujutsu society and eventually killing the higher ups (based).
So despite all these different solutions, some of which are indefensible, I understand exactly why they became that way. They’re dealing with labor exploitations and dehumanization without the theoretical framework to be productive about it. (Gojo is the closest person to discovering what a union is.)
Geto snapped from a single traumatic event coupled with the knowledge that his labor would be exploited until he joined the mountain of sorcerers’ corpses. Though he was introduced as a mass murdering lunatic, there were always hints of how badly he wanted sorcerers to be free of exploitation. (Karl Marx could’ve saved him.)
Sukuna experiencing the most egregious form of labor exploitation, slavery would fit into these themes nicely I think. It's the ultimate form of dehumanization—becoming a literal commodity for people to sell, trade, and break. (And him deciding to be this wild about it would be understandable to me at least because I truly believe in the John Brown solution for slaveowners.)
Sukuna is fond of Megumi, Maki, Gojo, and Jogo. Megumi was sold by his father to a clan, the Zenins tried to make Maki subservient for being female, Gojo was bossed around and run ragged by the higher ups, and Jogo was puppetted around by Kenjaku. All of these characters are powerful individuals that for one reason or another were shafted by societal constraints that had them exploited by others weaker than them. Since Sukuna likes people similar to him, it's not a stretch to assume he’s recognizing their hurt as his own.
And just like Geto, instead of abolishing the hierarchy that subjugated him, Sukuna has chosen to sit atop it to escape. But unlike Geto, Sukuna doesn't dream of a world where he enforces it. (The guy clearly hates having responsibilities and doesn't want to be a ruler. He just wants to do what he wants whenever he wants. You know, having freedom.)
Sukuna existed within a society where it was acceptable to own people if you were strong enough. The fact he treats Uraume, a voluntary servant, so well and refuses to keep slaves speaks volumes. Sukuna may live for himself but he clearly has some form of ethics about it.
Wait, what about Megumi’s subjugation?
Well, sometimes people are hypocrites. Nanami, Mr. Would’ve Loved Unions and outspoken labor critic, is content with pushing all the work onto Gojo, who has suffered in the exact same way he has.
Maybe it’s resentment for his Gojo’s birth making curses stronger and therefore harder to deal with. Maybe he sees Gojo as everything wrong with Jujutsu and is lashing out. The point is, I don’t know why Nanami made the exception to his rules for Gojo and that’s why I’m clueless on where Megumi fits into this theory.
I’m not sure if Sukuna intends to keep Megumi as a puppet forever. For the sake of his own entertainment, he’ll probably release him after ingesting his final finger if Yuji can’t separate them first. And in a very twisted way, his treatment of Megumi could also be seen as a cruel training regiment. Sukuna thinks suffering and isolation brings strength. That’s how he’s justifying whatever happened to him.
But on the other hand, maybe he won’t. Because now Megumi has the blueprint for surpassing him. Defeat means being a slave again and Sukuna can’t have that.
#cactus yaps#I’m so excited to see how off I’ll be.#Sukuna was definitely exploited in the past. I’ll stake a toenail on it.#It seems that exploitation scales with power so whatever the fudge happened to Sukuna is worse than everyone else combined.#If I’m picking up on themes correctly then slavery will come up again.#Which not a lot of people picked up on Uro being a slave. The poor girl had no name and was used as a living weapon.#I think it’s because chattel slavery is more common in media.#When you get to the ‘‘less violent’’ kinds of slavery it can start looking like a sucky exploitative job.#And capitalism doesn’t want workers to make that connection because then they might demand better.#My other favorite ex-slave character is Isaac from Netflix Castlevania.#There's something so cathartic about watching him destroy the society that enslaved him. My fave quote from him is:#''You know… One day the last one of you will ask me; ‘Why did you work with Dracula himself to murder all the people?’#And you know what I’ll say? It’s because you’re all so fucking rude.''#ryomen sukuna#jujutsu kaisen#jjk spoilers#asks
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big believer in rocky being an extremely angry person actually! so much of it is internalized and he very much channels it into specific things ( like wick, or more recently, marigold ) but this doesn’t negate the fact that he is angry and resentful. sometimes being mad is more than just punching people and threats of violence! sometimes it’s quiet seething and forced joy. sometimes awful things happen to you and you letting them happen doesn’t mean you won’t become angry about it. sometimes your anger is fear, and sometimes it’s another thing, and actually maybe it’s always coming from some other emotion but it feels like anger and that’s what sticks. and i’ll also just say that his head trauma won’t be helping him with any of these problems in the future either <3
#my posts.#lackadaisy#i’m exhausted from being out all day but had to lackadaisy post. whoops.#definitely might delete this later to word this better in the future!! though it’ll do for now#personally i can see rocky’s anger just fine in the comics and even in the pilot ngl#like. it is not a conventional kind of anger. but that doesn’t mean it’s not a very real thing rocky is feeling a lot of the time#idk!!! thinking and mulling#i just think at this point in rocky’s life he is so perpetually scared of losing what matters to him ( his place within the lackadaisy )#that he can very easily turn it into a sort of wrathful fire at anything he perceives as a threat#like. what will take my home ( which is mine and the people there tolerate me ) away from me?#it’s an obsessive sort of ‘i can’t let this happen again.’#and i think anger and fear are more tied together than most would think!!!#it’s just. rocky’s anger and freckle’s ‘anger’ is interesting to me. it really is.#as i said : thinking and mulling!!!
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“requiem for methuselah” crazy ass episode for many reasons. Kirk is being fully insane, like I don’t actually think, even controlling for how quickly and easily and readily he seems to fall in love with anybody at the slightest encouragement, that he’d go that bonkers for that android woman he just met while everyone on the ship was this close to dying, but that’s neither here nor there, because in the background you’ve got an equally but much more subtly insane episode for Spock, who extremely uncharacteristically admits to experiencing an emotion (or nearly experiencing, whatever) and that emotion is ENVY of all things. And then spends the rest of the episode warning Kirk away from this new love interest (something that doesn’t usually happen, even when Kirk has very inadvisable love interests) and is, in the end, the person who accurately identifies that Rayna’s competing love for Kirk and Flint is ultimately what overwhelms and destroys her with the most killer line in maybe history???
And then to wrap it up we get an equally uncharacteristic sort of denouement scene (TOS loooves to cut an episode off right after the actual climax, leaving little time for falling action or character reflection, or to stick a sitcom-y button on the end where the gang all smiles and laughs at their misadventures and everything resets to zero, which is not a criticism, it’s just the style of that era of tv, honestly) where Kirk is literally miserable over Rayna’s death (again, kind of unusual for a lot of his love interests, he tends to be able to move on pretty quickly) and Spock goes to see him and he falls asleep right in front of Spock (also odd) and then when Bones comes in to give the final word on Flint, Spock waves him off from waking the Captain (tender) and Bones gives him that awful speech about how it’s sadder that Spock can’t even imagine the love Kirk felt for this random android woman than it is that Kirk lost her in the first place (debatable but also rude) and how his great tragedy is that he can’t love at all like they can and how all he wishes is that Kirk could forget about all of this and move on. AND THEN, to have Bones leave and Spock go over to Kirk and very gently, tenderly, reluctantly touch him and put his hand to his forehead and tell him to forget and HAVE THAT BE THE END OF THE EPISODE??? What am I supposed to do with that??
#‘the joys of love made her human. the agonies of love destroyed her’ hUH. What a cool line.#hope it doesn’t become some sort of…thesis statement for you or something SPOCK#listen my number one beef with the way they write bones is that they just make him completely mischaracterize everything to suit the plot#this man is not an idiot he KNOWS Spock has emotions and just suppresses them#you’re going to tell me he’s been on that ship with Spock for years and thinks he feels no love whatsoever for anyone???#like even after what happened in the empath and in that episode where McCoy thought he was dying#he knows Spock loves people!!! COME ON#does he really just mean romantic love?? that’s so boring WRITE HIM BETTER#also they’re banking a lot on people remembering what the Vulcan mind meld is for that last bit#like I know it comes up a lot but…this is 1968 or whatever. They don’t have this shit on dvd to rewatch#you’re counting on really dedicated fan memory here or on people catching reruns#because otherwise it just looks like Spock waiting to be alone to touch Kirk as tenderly as possible and pray he forgets this woman#truly what’s going on#anyway I kind of hated this episode#like quite frankly there was too much going on#are androids people? would Kirk fall in love that hard that quickly and choose it over the safety of his crew?#why wasnt the illness ravaging the crew a bigger deal??#they didn’t even get into WHY flint was immortal#he was just a regular human and apparently the ONLY one who was granted immortality by the earth’s atmosphere#leaving aside the very creepy and very early born sexy yesterday trope going on throughout#but it was a really good Spock episode if you just….dont look at anything else….#the writer for this one also did Day of the Dove and Mirror Mirror which explains a LOT#two other episodes that are interesting for the character dynamics but really chaotic plot wise#anyway imagine saying to Spock’s face that he has no idea what love can drive a man to do#one has to laugh#tos#star trek#as always…. I’m sorry that I’m Like This
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Ink October day 3: Sophistry
An argument that seems plausible, but is fallacious or misleading, especially one devised deliberately to be so.
#khux#khux player#kh player#kingdom hearts#kh#kingdom hearts union x#kingdom hearts player#player my beloved#blue boi draws#ink october#ink October 2024#ink October 2024 day 3#watched a bunch of Player cutscenes for this one and Aug AUHG I love them. I always forget how much of a character Player is#but they are truly their own guy. more then even some non-renameable/customisable game protagonists#the utter guts on this kid to challenge multiple foretellers multiple times,fight both Ephemer and Skuld at the same time-#(both very powerful in their own right),AND attempt and succeeded in tricking four of the personifications of darkness themselves is… wow#they’re such a powerful fighter too. like they kick both Skuld and Ephemer’s asses,and sure they were both not aiming to kill and exhausted#from fighting Ven’s darkness BUT SO WAS PLAYER (as well as having just come from the arcade and those fights)#them fooling the darknesses too… along side their two closest friends… I wonder if there was any noticeable change between their normal#fighting style and the one they used there. Skuld and Ephemer didn’t necessarily see them fighting during the war#(only heartless or against one appoint) so I wonder if they fought like that.#the ‘argument that is plausible but misleading’ here is Player being possessed. with all the information available to them it is plausible#but we know for a fact that player is just straight up lying. making shit up. mimicking how darkness spoke before to pretend. which is ki#kinda hilarious to me like you go girl gaslight gatekeep girlboss. gaslight them into believing you’re possessed gatekeep them from dying to#trap darkness and girlboss by winning. amazing beautiful 10/10#I like to think Ephemer never realised、at least while he was alive. something in the tragedy of him never knowing.#of not recogising his dear friend through their deception. of dying thinking he failed them. that it wasn’t their choice.#and he did fail them in a way. there’s this recurring theme in Kingdom Hearts where the hurt lingers despite the memories being gone.#Player is very much effected by this with their memories of the war being gone but still suffering. Ephemer stands by the decision to hide#it thinking it spares them from the burden but it doesn’t it just takes away the context and they deserve to know what happened to them
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sorry to keep personal posting but my day fucking SUCKED and ended with me dropping one of my brand new earrings from a set that I just finished cleaning down the drain, took the sink apart and still couldn’t find it 🙃
if y’all feel like asking a leverage/misc question for thoughts or headcanons I’d love to answer them in the morning! or even if you just want to say something about your day- I just like hearing from you guys 💖
#or ask me abt my lockwood & co hyperfixation/chat w me about the show#and how I have been egged on my a moot to pursue my cot3 hunger games au (I have never finished a longfic)#(was bored at lunch break and wrote a portion of the berry scene 👀)#boss still owes me more than 2.5k and has been gaslighting me and continues to emotionally manipulate me and my coworkers#and cause serious shit that triggers clients in a THERAPY CLINIC#and has started second guessing my work by asking other employees if my input is ‘accurate’#which caused a flare up in my skin picking AND latent SI#ugh sorry for rambling yall I just need to write this out yk#I need a fucking sugar mommy or something 😭😭😭 I need to get out of this mentally/financially abusive job#not leverage#ask me things#jackie talks#about me#mine#this is the worst place I’ve worked which doesn’t necessarily say too much because I haven’t had many jobs#but one of my former bosses was a [redacted school shooting] denier when we were literally 20 min away from where it happened#which still boils my blood to this day LIKE WDYM YOU THIBK THE GOVERNMENT PAID OFF PARENTS AS A PART OF A CONSPIRACY TO INFLUENCE GUNCONTROL#she would tell a new hire ‘J doesn’t like conspiracy theories’#NO [redacted] I CAN DISCUSS THEM FOR FUN IN CONVERSATIONS BUT URS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS#EAT A DICK#hmmm I wonder if I still have anger about that lol#ANYWAYS I finally got my intake after waiting 8mo for the clinic I needed to get in and will be starting therapy in a few weeks#🫡🫡🫡
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Whumptober day 20: dehumanization/stockholm syndrome/master and servant (full under the cut)
Find the royal au masterpost here
In his efforts to wear Abram down to breaking, Prince Riko adopted a slightly different technique into his repertoire: respite. Abram didn’t get a place at the table - eventually most of his suppers were spent underneath it, sitting beside Riko’s chair and occasionally being relegated some scraps. As long as Abram didn’t act up, retaliate, or otherwise rebel against the treatment, Riko would simply leave him alone. One of precious few times he wasn’t in danger of being harmed for others amusement.
The first time Abram was too weak to fight back or make a comment or move much at all, Riko found a whole new kind of amusement in having begun to properly “train” Nathaniel. And it kept on like that. Anytime Abram was too overwhelmed, hurt, sick, or whatever else, he at least knew he’d get a couple hours of rest at the end of the day if he allowed Riko the satisfaction of a quiet supper with his loyal plaything.
#this one even still hurts ME after having drawn and written about it TT#which usually doesn’t happen usually I leave the emotion in the drawing and move on#it’s weird but I don’t know how else to explain it#don’t ask why this is the concept that does it#I have no clue#not to worry I have a comfort post specifically for this#hopefully I have drawn it between the time I’m drafting this and it gets posted#ALSO IF YOURE READING THIS ON THE DAY ITS POSTED#THERE’S A GOOD CHANCE IM IN THE PROCESS OF MOVING INTO NEW APARTMENT AT THIS VERY MOMENT#AHHH#anyway#fan art#my art#aftg#all for the game#neil josten#riko moriyama#royal au#whumptober#emry whumptober 2023#dehumanization
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Don’t yell at me but I said two weeks ago that I’m neutral about Chappell roan but I wouldn’t be surprised if she ever did anything or anything came out and my girl just cancelled two huge ass shows the day before because she’s stressed?? Yadda yadda something else can be happening defintely true and I’ll shove my foot in my mouth if it turns out that is true but girl WHAT😭
#as I said I’m neutral I’m meh about her I have zero strong feelings either way#all I’m saying is if I spent thousands made travel plans#which I’ve been seeing people say they’ve already taken whole ass flights#to announce a day before that I changed my mind because im overwhelmed??#once again I get it it’s true there’s something else maybe happening that she doesn’t want to disclose but then say that 😭#say that something is going on I can’t talk about but I have to cancel my show#idk I’m just saying she should fire her pr team because her fans in comment sections have been making better points than them.#once again don’t yell at me I’m not hating or flipping sides or whatever#I’m a lesbian girlie pop and I are on the same side#rae’s rambles
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2024 reads / storygraph
Lord of the Empty Isles
sci-fi/fantasy
set on a supposedly utopian planet recovering from a climate crisis, where bonds between people are able to be seen and manipulated (by some people)
follows a young man whose brother was cursed and killed by an infamous outlaw 5 years ago, and he’s finally able to curse him back - but it rebounds, as he’s somehow fatebound to the outlaw
to find a cure and save them both they have to team up, and he quickly finds out that the resources the outlaw is stealing go to the thousands of people neglected on prison planets, and he has to go against what he thought was right to help them
no romance, aroace MC, focus on platonic relationships
arc from netgalley, out june 6
#Lord of the Empty Isles#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#I enjoyed this quite a bit! But I think it could have gone a bit further in places.#It has some interesting concepts and a great cast of characters and yay no romance#I do have a lot of thoughts and little critiques...#it's p obvious where the plot is going and what's going to happen#There’s clearly a lot gone into developing this bond system but to be honest I still don’t entirely get it?#It seems to emphasise that the bonds just reflect connections between people rather than predetermine anything; but also the plot kind of#hinges on Remy and Idrian having a predetermined bond? There are a lot of explanations of intricacies but a lot of it didn’t sink in idk#It’s promoted as QP but to me it reads as a general platonic relationship. I generally expect a depiction of a QPR to have like..#some form of acknowledgement/depiction of the form of their relationship being a particular (undefinable?) kind#with some specific level of commitment? I’m being picky maybe they mean queerplatonic themes/vibes rather than saying it’s a qpr#specifically. the centred platonic relationship is good! it doesn't seem like a qpr to me; at most what could one day be that#also things are solved quite quickly and easily in the end - both the curse and the downfall of the bad guy.#I feared it would go down the route of blaming things on the person in charge rather than emphasising systemic issues which it kinda does….#It’s impossible to ignore right now just how deeply people are willing to believe dehumanising propaganda - and how 'telling the truth'#and exposing the person in power as bad doesn’t actually do anything so that happening here made me go…… oh okay. well.#there is room for a sequel that maybe will explore this tho. idk#complaints aside - I do recommend this! It was fun and pretty unique.#aroace books#no romance
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and like, despite the deliciously shippable couples it has, Twinkling Watermelon is not a romcom, it’s a fantasy coming-of-age. the theme is family, the main relationship is between Eun Gyeol and his father and while their respective romantic storylines are crucial, they’re not central.
which is nice, on the one hand, because it offers a slightly different (and beautiful) kind of story, but then because instead of being [main couple] > [second couple] it’s [son and dad] > [son’s gf and mom], it ends up letting down Eun Yoo and Cheong-ah a bit and leaving their resolutions a bit rushed / open ended (you know, like how in other shows you’ll see the second couple standing together at the main characters’ wedding but no actual, solid resolution).
so the final scene of the show is primarily a bonding moment and a resolution for Yichan and Eun Gyeol, and you don’t get much of Cheongchan and a very quick last-moment wrapping up of Euneun (and like. what happened to our girls in the years in between?? we need answers!)
#which is… not a complaint necessarily#like yah the main characters are Eun Gyeol and Yichan this we know and it makes sense that the ending would be mainly about them#but it does feel like they swept some stuff under the rug for the girls when their stories were just as interesting#like we have the euneun kiss at the end and the very very last scene also belongs to Eun Yoo which is nice#but it’s also like okay wait! how did we get here? how did she realize the truth? what’s her life like now that everything has changed?#there’s definitely like. hints and subtext but I do wish we’d gotten more#and that’s the main couple. the second couple… I mean. they got married obviously#but we KNEW that from episode 1#that was always going to happen and I think it would’ve been nice to just have a bit more of them together at the end#though we do have Yichan speaking about her and making her blush that was cute#like. I’m not *complaining* I’m just saying that that’s where the weakness of the ending lies#it doesn’t have enough time so it sacrifices Eun Yoo and Cheong-ah a bit (especially Cheong-ah)#I feel like I’m not making sense atp just rambling and talking in circles but you get me right?? you understand my feelings#and heck I haven’t even MENTIONED Se Kyeong. no one knows what happened to her fr#elly's posts#twinkling watermelon#day 230925 of twinkling watermelon obsession
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It’s actually insane how fandom in general has become so scared of making weird and dark and ugly works. Like I look at myself and see how I have also subconsciously adapted this instinct to self censor and make things “marketable” and it’s making me want to crawl out of my skin. I need to get weirder and worse and more off-putting hello
#I need to write a proper Spectra&Gus meta bc it’s been cooking me how people don’t Want to see the insanity in them#argh#d0 stuff#negative#d0 smashes the keyboard#like yes#Gus’s devotion and loyalty are extreme and these feelings make him do stupid things that he is absolutely aware of being stupid#but let’s not pretend that these feelings go both ways in their relationship#Spectra (for like. the majority of the New Vestroia except the maybe last 12 eps?) sees Gus as a convenient tool#like Yeah he is like. a person and all that but Spectra doesn’t Interact with him when it doesn’t concern his business so#and also yes. he gives Gus a level of autonomy that one might not exactly expect from how usually these relationships go but#one Has to question if it’s bc of his goodwill or bc he is safe in his knowledge that Gus would never leave him#which. fun and sick and makes them sooo compelling#I would also argue that Spectra/Keith don’t even miss Gus when he ‘died’ as a person at first#but as the second pair of hands for work#like it was quite funny to see Spectra give instructions to air only to be reminded that his minion died#but it does rise the question of why hasn’t it happened before or in any other situation#(which I must say I really dig because yes. Spectra has always been centred around his ambitions so ofc this is where it would hurt first)#but yeah. sth sth Spectra only starts his journey of Actually giving a shit about Gus and acknowledging his importance to him as a person#by the end of nv#you could still argue it was partially (or maybe wholly) motivated by convenience that Gus presents but#it really was the first time Spectra has personally expressed his tie to Gus gah#all of this to say#they are sickos; each in their own way; and I think we can really make this more sinister and insane than we’ve allowed ourselves#throughout the years so far#like yeah. can I see them as a happy couple? sure! but also can I see this as a very codependent (more so from Gus’s angle) relationship#that’s being sprinkled with Tons of manipulation from Spectra? also yes#actually sorry for this wall of tags idk what got me thinking about them again#but it’s so so biting the bars day bc these guys are so fun!! we just have to let them be and maybe read canon through less good intentions#ok uhhh
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tbh when mitski said “you’re my best friend/now i’ve no one to tell/how i lost my best friend”
#my freshman year of college my best friend and I were both a wreck#and on opposite sides of the country#during winter break I made the decision to share certain information with their parents bc I was actively concerned for their safety#they were deeply upset about me betraying their trust like that and asked for a break in our friendship#(a few months later (which happened to be early March 2020. lol) they did shrooms and realized they wanted to talk to me again lmao)#(so we talked and cried and now we’re still best friends almost 4 years later)#and my birthday is in january so it fell right in the middle of the period we weren’t talking#and my friends at school actually put together a really lovely party and it remains to this day the best bday party ive had#(most of my bdays have been sad and shitty lol)#but i just remember being drunk in my friends dorm room with my friends all around me#it was the end of the night people were just kinda chatting in little groups or whatever#and i was lying on my friends bed just miserable bc all I could think about was how my best friend was supposed to be there too#bc my parents were going to fly them out for the weekend as a present#and obviously that just got dropped#and id been talking to my friends about it kind of but all I wanted was my actual best friend#I left them a very embarrassing drunk voicemail that THANK GOD they deleted without listening to#but it’s just. the quiet agony of being angry and sad and hurt because your person doesn’t want to be ur person anymore#and still wanting to talk to them about it. still needing them to comfort you and give you their advice and insights#i don’t want to talk to anyone else about it. they’re not you.#sigh. anyway. ive actually lost several close friends for various reasons ranging from reasonable to bullshit#and it always blindsides me how much I want to talk to THEM about it#so thanks mitski for expressing that so artfully#op
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things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
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okay not to be a walking cliche and I hate to validate overused jargon but I kinda had a self-care day today and refilled my cup and it really helped. 😭
#i didn’t think of it in those terms (which ALSO helped tbh.)#(because using that language and trying to match my very particular vibe to the recommended self care tips)#(frequently doesn’t work because I get frustrated when the thing makes me unhappier. as a lot of things do)#but I slept in. and then I went shopping alone (and found some nice things that cheered me up)#and I went and looked at the water. and I just didn’t talk to my family at all until the end of the day#and then it was just better and my heart was lighter#skkskskekkske who knew#counseling is helping tbh. slowly! but it is.#because it just cuts through a lot of the nonsense in my head and reminds me of very basic things#and so sometimes she’ll listen to me talk and she’ll be like ‘sounds like you’re not filling up your cup’#and I’m like: 😮😮😮😮😮😮#I’ll be like but I am untangling the lines of the universe and creating beautiful new patterns!#and she unimpressed will be like: but did you practice some self-care#anyway I am rambling. I DO struggle with/dislike the way the current culture uses words like this#because I think it adds to entitlement which ultimately makes us unhappier#but common sense has always been common sense and I do need someone to tell me that#when I have woven myself into an anxiety cocoon#which. happens naturally all the time. so.
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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#AUIAGAHAIVDKFJFHDNSKXJ#sorry#don’t mind me#on tonight’s edition of i don’t have a diary so i’m using tumblr tags#I JUST. HMMMMMM.#sorry for the second day in a row lmao. at least today we got a fun fresh funky gender crisis instead of sexuality.#i’m literally about to leave for college where nobody knows me and it’s not like i was out to lot of people here but. idk#and whatever tf is going on w my gender has never even been spoken aloud lol#from like being kiiiiiiind of a little bit out here#which is. nothing bad has happened. nobody cares. it’s just my friends.#but goddamn#literally i keep coming to the conclusion that i. don’t want people to know. and i feel bad#not even as like a safety thing. or even#i don’t even know#there’s something in me that is so so so so scared#and i just. don’t want it to be something people know about me#but not even as like#UUUUUGGHHHHGGGH#i hate words#i don’t feel bad about it being a part of me. i just#i want it to stay like. with me. which doesn’t even fucking make sense#bc all i do is agonize in the middle of the night. it’s not even like. pride. just sheer#i don’t know#wow ok. goodnight i guess i was not expecting to think abt that tonight holy shit#i literally couldn’t even say it in this whole wall of fucking text wtf is wrong with me lmao.#ok 👍 cool 👍#night
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