#which damn that sucks I guess. anyway
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tragic: the one time he’s actually queer he has a girlfriend
#probably. probably#pretty sure he came with her tonight and I am not the only one with this impression#which damn that sucks I guess. anyway#like it’s not for sure but if he’s not gay specifically theyre probably together. pretty sure they’ve come together before too so#just like man how do people do this the situation is dire here#this is bc i dont have friends who are men. i know so many lesbians just so many lesbians but i do not talk to guys which in hindsight.#no no this is not entirely true i have a bunch of friends (casual) who are guys they are just Actually straight#or like. probably but are also babies#but man like i thought i at least had a fair shot this time even if he turned out to suck or reject me#either one wouldve been chill! ive just not properly done this from this side before#also sucked is the wrong word there it ranges from oh im not actually interested to yeah hes annoying#i dont think hes annoying he is widely regarded as rlly sweet#being gay hard. imagine#this is slightly incoherent its just 1am and i have had super long day and just got bacl from 2 very intense hours of ice hockey so im FUCKE#just so sleepy. and i wanted to fwoosh put this somewhere yknow#will probably find out on friday anyway and its just. chill. its not like i was super invested in this i will easily get over it#just got excited bc oh my god an actual queer guy in the wild who is cool and i already kinda know#well! im about to pass out so. see what happens#luke.txt
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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But Also i do think. Expecting Crisp Ironed Clothes of someone in a fucking job interview is Unhinged. I think most professional dress standards are Stupid.
#toy txt post#i value the labor it to knownhow to do that. but i really queation Why the labor is required for so much low stakes shit#even high stakes shit?#its good to know how ti do and can be used to elevate an outfit. AND. a stupid arbitrary standard of fashion to uphold#especially as a judgement of like class /professionalism / i think professionalism is Largely Stupid. thats what im saying#good god who are you the fucking military? the god damn marines? you gonna drill sarge on me about wrinkles? fuck off#depending on the construction of the shirt and the material i think you can Get Away With a Lot of Not Ironing. but i suppose. obviously#getting away with can also require privilege! which sucks and is stupid#i think i could probably haphazardly figure out ironing based on figuring out how to hang shirts to dry to avoid wrinkles and#watching dad do it occasionally. might struggle with pants cos i dont think ive ever needed to iron pants OR bother with methods to avoid#wrinkling too much? would they look Better? yea probably i guess but i aint doin all that#anyway. while i have you hear i also despise menswear rules i think theyre all stupid arbitrary shit and i cannot imagine#thinking the menswear guy on twitters dunks are worth any salt even if hes dunking on ppl u hate ♡ thats my hot take#none of those guys suck bc they dont dress well they suck bc theyre fucking fascists and going teehee their suits are untailored!#doesnt fucking land for me actually#its giving 'well. all trump voters are fat' like???????? same energy#yes i know one of the critiques is about shit thats easier to change and not intrinsic to that persons appearance#but i still think it sucks for similar reasons#+ it really feels like it downplays the issue of the guys hes dunking on being like. fascists. idk. not to mention so many of those#menswear fashion rules are SO fucking conformative and stupid. do whatever you want forever. be unfashionable. mix leather colors.#idk. ig its valid to Know the fashion rules and Then break them on purpose but the tone always annoys the shit out of me too
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eww I'm sorting through photos from my old phone (not the last one, the one before that. five years later....) and there's a bunch from all my hospital stays and it's making me feel really bad 🙃
#really not good times#I was in soooo much pain#all the time#I don't want to remember that#though I guess it's good to be reminded sometimes (cause it justifies that I had my gallbladder removed. yeah it fucking sucks now but damn#it was SO MUCH worse before...)#anyway I'm not gonna delete them I think 🙃 but I won't look at them now. or maybe ever again. but I'll still keep them#personal#I honestly don't even know which phone these are all from. I must have reset it at some point and saved them before that because it's very#random/weird times lol
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erm. well im going to talk about my dream in the tags i guess
#my dream kinda sucked shit i was in like some dorm and i dont really remember what happened before all the bad stuff other than like.#weird highway....... but um there was this girl in the dorm or something and she wanted to i think hang out with me at first#i dont think it was initially like oh we're gonna have sex or whatever. and she took me to some weird place and immediately#i was trying to say this place is weird i feel uncomfortable being here because it was like through this like i guess abandoned highway#area and had trash and towards this forested part and she was like ugh why does everyone i bring here say that -_- and there was some#other girl also there. but once we got closer it was also sort of like. a ravine it was sort of cool. and then some stuff happened#and i was like ok with having sex like she wanted to but like i said stuff happened in the dream we couldnt get around to it#i had fallen asleep at one point and then woke up. and she was like damn. well we can still do it before you have to go there's#plenty of time and i was like oh... okay... but then i look at the time and it's like 4 and im like fuck im already late for work and#so i have to run off. she's disappointed. im heading to work there's also some apartment..??? idk im suddenly at the mall which isnt where#my work is but whatever. anyways im like i gotta lock this apartment which is at the mall and hten i head to where my job is#and apparently she is like trying to fucking stalk me and shit and i was talking to one of my managers and she's there and i just#i dont know i eventually wake up and that just sort of really sucked
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the algorithm is never more apparent to me than when I see a youtuber I watch in the chat of another youtuber I watch
#kayla says jumpscare in a foreign man video#or jacob drawfee mentioning a pricklyalpaca video#(which was inspired by one of jacob’s speed paint videos)#or seeing whatalsaid in a moderngurlz comment section#like damn#we’re really all just hanging out in the same room huh#the algorithm is playing you 24/7 lmao#it feeds into your biases#if your social media sucks#that’s largely your fault bro#just watched an FD video recently that said that#if your social media sucks and you complain about that#you’re really just telling on yourself and exposing who you are#(paraphrasing)#and it’s like yeah lmao#my social media experience is largely great these days#(instagram my beloathed)#anyway#and this is not the same as a collab#because that’s like a different level y’know#it’s their own little group#but when it’s like I described above#it’s like oh hey!!#it feels more…..#equalizing??? I guess???#idk how to explain it lol#there’s probably a parasocial element to it
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i fucking hate how much "mine / yours" still means to me. i'm finally managing to move on from his music. but i'm still so attached to "mine / yours".
#i haven't listened to ycgma/lvjy stuff for weeks now. frankly i'm starting to forget about it#which is hypers bc the brainrot is finally starting to brainheal#but msr / mine/yours? damn. i still think about:#''you kiss me like it was your job / so tender and carefully / teeth before tongue''#&#''i take you for granted because the alternative's far more alarming''#so often. and while i do believe that one day i'll manage to completely forget about him... it sucks the day still hasn't arrived.#anyway fuck wlbr <3 once i forget about his existence i'll live a better life <3#own#the sergeant speaks#xxx.#(<- i guess this counts as a vent)
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i used to be really nervous about going back to my hometown because ‘what if i run into someone i don’t like‘ but like. the few times that has happened the people who have done be dirty have just 100% ignored me/run away from me. even despite me trying to be like heyyy. lol. which i guess means im a lot more confrontational than other ppl....
#lowkey bothers me though cause im like bruh you were so rude to me in highschool and youre gonna act like im the bad guy........#can you just own up to it and we can get it over with?? now it's awkward!!!#like im so down to have a positive interaction and not have to have this bitter taste in my mouth anymore..#also the way that multiple of these ppl work at a starbucks that i frequent#and had to take my order#LIKE I GAVE YOU MY NAME YOU OBVIOUSLY RECOGNIZE ME#idk i feel like if it were my me i would just apologize and get it over with#cy says stuff#personal#truth is i am a lot better with confrontation than other ppl but that's cause i was forced to learn those skills at a younger age..#it is kind of cringe that ppl don't wanna face their past or own up to their past mistakes ngl#anyways... my friend invited me to go to starbucks tomorrow and i am probably gonna run into the same girl who would spread rumors about me#and constantly update me on my ex despite me asking her not to#and also called me stupid for not doing well on a quiz i literally wasn't there for........#thing is no one liked her i was just nice to her cause i am a nice person.. and then she was so mean to me... like wtf...#and when i told her i didnt want to sit next to her anymore cause she was mean to me she started bawling#like damn girl okay i still dont want to be your friend though cause you kind of suck#and i guess she still holds that against me to this day lol. or at least the last time i saw her which was like. december#anyways im hella jetlagged and i woke up at midnight again. intrusive thoughts go brr#it'll be fine i am strong
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…😐
#insurance rejected the claim from the corpse cleaners#so now i guess. i get to face down a $30k bill yahoo#<- i’m not gonna be financially ruined by this it just sucks#bc i got a phone call this morning telling me i just need to#pay the deductible which was $2.3k and now it’s like#oh! sorry we lied you gotta pay $28k on top of that teehee#i love. living in the united states. /heavy sarcasm#(and mind this is on top of like $7k in legal fees and the $140k mortgage)#frustrating but. we’ll be fine.#just letting people in on just how much it costs to die#oh yeah. his memorial/cremation costs were like $6k but thankfully he had funerary insurance thru his#job so they took care of that for us 👍#edit: oh okay because the company we used for bio cleanup are literal angels it’ll be at most like 15k instead since we’re paying ourselves#anyway why the fuck do you pay for insurance if you can’t ever use it damn
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Welp. Just went through my first breakup. Time to make pasta and cinnamon hot cocoa and binge watch Supernatural like the mature adult that I am
#missed the eight year mark by a couple months#which makes it suck even more that i had to break things off#anyways despite it being 86°F today hot cocoa seems like the way to go#damn. i always thought a breakup would suck less when you're the one initiating it#but i guess it was time#personal#vent
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well i saw it and i am just. tired. i'm gonna try not to worry about it until i see the show for context. it sucks it got spoiled, especially so soon to the release date. but idk! maybe now we can chill out about this specific thing and it doesn't have to be an insane huge deal like shit like this always is?
#just my 2 cents u r getti g what you pay for#low quality spoiler also.??? how tf was it that shitty of an image lmao#anyway. damn#i know neil is upset. im kinda upset too. idk. this show has gotten so much shit specifically on this topic that it just sucks that it's#one more thing people are going to be focusing on and analyzing and theorizing about when we could just. chill out i guess#like i KNOW. i was DEEP in my good omens special interest for 2 whole years. that shit was impossible for me to let go of. i KNOW. but.#it's ok. whatever it turns out to be we just have to wait and see yk#even if it is [redacted] which i would be mad about and [redacted] which would be nice. whatever#good omens#good omens spoilers#good omens s2#good omens s2 spoilers#<- just covering my bases#i probably won't post more about it unless something else crazy happens or until the season comes out#fyi
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story of my life tbh
#completely ignoring what happened with the album preorders… guess who dropped a load of cash on a game that they have no time to play~?#yeah… me… ಥ‿ಥ i still haven’t finished p5r too… so b s#i woke up from my mid-dinner nap and just… had this thought of ‘damn i need to buy the collectors ed of nirvana initiative’ so… yeah#i can’t wait to get onto the game’s inevitable equivalent of an annihilation route on my initial blind playthrough lmaoooo#i swear ztd aside i’ve always alwaysssss somehow gotten on the one route where p. much everyone kicks the bucket on my initial playthroughs#(of the games by that particular director anyway)#999? knife ending. vlr? luna route. aitsf? annihilation ending. am i just bad at making decisions or sth lmaoooo#though ig it could be worse? there was that other character ending in vlr that was kinda… ye a h. iirc#hmmmmm but ngl i kinda miss 999 the funyarinpa bit was funny#but the 2 room was hella gross ngl as was the thing in the 3 room… and the 5 room was it? hm…#either way fictional science: the escape room games were fun~ i wonder if there will be a callback to 999 in ni though bc n i r v a n a —#…though i have to say… aitsf ruined me fr. now i can’t look at acetone without thinking ‘asetton-chan~’#which sucks bc i have to use acetone like every day sooooooo aaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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trying not to be dramatic but. i kinda want to start drama!
#like damn im really not gonna be in this wedding i guess#like idk i know my one friend already asked another girl to be her maid of honor but it’s a gay wedding. it can be all girls!!!#and i keep telling myself ‘oh she prob wants to ask you in person’#not even maid of honor but even just lower tier bridesmaid#but ive texted them like three times since ive been here and i feel like im getting blown off#i get it it’s thanksgiving we’re all busy u might not have time but at least TELL ME#i won’t be back on the east coast for a while !!!#which i guess maybe that’s a reason why they wouldn’t ask but THEY USED TO TALK ABT IT ALL THE TIME!!!#AND IVE BEEN LIVING ON THE WEST COAST THEIR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP!!!#it’s not like they didn’t know#idk im also a drama queen but. it sucks!!!#and i have these fucking. elopement presents i wanted to give them but maybe not if they DONT ANSWER MY TEXTS#anyways still slight glimmer of hope that i will get to be a bridesmaid simply because i will feel bad if i talked all this shit#and i do end up getting asked#also bc if im not what’s the fucking point of going it’s like ill be traveling to maryland to go to the wedding that hurt my feelings#ok that’s enough i think.#maybe im just so sleepytired idk how to act
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#okay. so given the response of one of my supervisors it seems like I’m the one being the asshole in the work drama#which. if having a stress response so bad I wake up one night feeling like I’m having a mild panic attack is being the asshole then. yeah.#fair I guess#I’ll admit I am judging this person rather harshly but…let’s look at where that’s coming from shall we?#she gave me extra work that I attempted to say no to and felt completely ignored about#when I tried to meet with her and her supervisor to refuse again I was told I had to participate anyway#which made it feel like I was being ignored by two people#and my stress response is basically: a) get so flustered I can’t speak b) cry or c) both#so hearing ‘yeah I’m so sorry I gave you extra work. would you please suck it up and deal with it tho? I’d really appreciate it’#causes me to shut down and go ‘okay I must be required to put my entire life on hold for you. got it.’#so I’m the asshole for that and for assuming that this lady sees our team as a problem to be fixed#and for assuming she thinks the team is not responding to her on purpose and thus it’s *our* fault she’s not getting participation#(when let’s be real here…I led a team training and had no problem getting the team to participate…who’s fault is it really???)#honey her words and her actions are both giving me that impression#and I’m not the only one saying it. so maybe I’m the asshole but I’m not the only asshole#but that’s fine. if I have to be the asshole in this situation I’ll play the damn part#as long as this shit gets resolved. the team may need me to play the bad guy#at this point I won’t feel like it’s really resolved until she experiences some consequences for her damn actions#she needs to learn that just because she’s team leader doesn’t mean she gets to do whatever the hell she wants#with no regard for how her actions affect others goddamn it#also as long as I don’t get fired for this because if I do I am going to raise absolute hell#I’ll take a second to think about it like ‘how would you feel if someone was criticising your work?’#and I’ll think ‘well. first off I wouldn’t disrespect my team members so hard and if I did I would deserve a swift slap in the face’#‘and second off. I would feel so utterly terrible for just making someone do extra stuff that wasn’t in their job description#especially if they weren’t my direct subordinate. and if I ever did that I do hope someone woulf sit me down and say hey. not fucken cool.’#and I would apologise and come up with an actionable plan that didn’t involve disrespecting that person’s autonomy#because I feel like that’s a common courtesy I was not afforded in this situation#so yes. if I ever start acting like this girl slap my cheeks and tell me to wake the fuck up and stop being rude#and I will face the music without making others suffer for it
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I'm just sitting here mentally telling myself 'I don't have to like him just because I find him attractive, I don't have to like him just because he's hot, I don't have to like him just because I like the character' over and over until I start to believe it
#every single time I love a character I also start to love the actor. sometimes that sucks. I don't want to. I want to pretend he doesn't#exist#but he's got the same face and the same body and the same voice and I just. how do I not do this.#I don't like him. I don't want to like him. he's at the very least kinda gross about women. which I'm not okay with. so. just. ugggh#it's just that I look at him and my mind shuts off and it's like 😍🥰😍#rationally I know that's also fine. I'm allowed to like people who aren't perfect (and no one is perfect anyway)#buuut. it makes me feel disgusting.#idk. I guess I just. i dealt with this for so long when I was younger because like. most of the men I thought were hot were also#misogynistic. because the culture at the time was so much worse. and it was just accepted.#and I fucking hated it and I don't want to deal with that anymore#it's just. idk. it feels gross and bad and I don't like it#but. I do find him extremely attractive and I want him so so bad and I don't know what to do with that#ugh I need to just. not be attracted to people. it happens so rarely but when it does it only causes trouble.#or maybe I need to get over these weird morality standards that I have but I don't think that's possible? like how would that work? I don't#get it.#anyway. yes this is about Eliot/CK no I won't elaborate on that and also I hope he's actually a great guy and everything I've seen#that made me think otherwise is just wrong#I will still stare at his face and think about him and listen to his stupid gross music all day. and I will enjoy it. but I will also#feel conflicted about it 😔#(but damn it he is hot and his arms are big and I am just a human being and I am very very weak 😫 big arms make me fucking stupid)
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#ran out of tags on last post but still want to rant without filling anyone's inbox or dash#sorry but here's the continuation#anyway so also we went to my grandma's house and I saw my dogs which breaks my heart every damn time#I miss them so much and it kills me. it causes me physical pain to not have them with me#I'm still mad at my mom to this day for being so horrible to them and giving them away. so it pissed me off to see her cuddling them#everyone disagrees with me but I don't think she has any right to act like she cares about them after she discarded them so easily#I will never stop being upset with her for it and even though everyone thinks I'm a b**** for it I refuse to release the grudge#anyway I'm tired and as nice as parts of my day were I feel like the lows were just really low#this morning we took some lovely graduation photos at my campus (which I visited for the last time) and I'm excited to post a few tomorrow#I'm truly proud of myself and grateful my college experience is over#I just foolishly allowed myself to have a vision of how today would go and parts of it really brought me down#I don't want to complain (which is probably a lie since this is the 3rd post I'm making to rant) but I wasn't expecting to breakdown today#I spent time with people I love and I got cool photos and a really soft sweater with my school's logo on it and I shouldn't be sad right now#plus we're having people over tomorrow for a party to celebrate me#I'm just really reliving the day and a lot of it was negative at my expense and I really hoped everyone would work to make it nice#some of it was obviously out of my family's hands but I feel like they handled that stuff in a way that guilted me and it sucked#I'm just a mess of emotions and I'm lowkey icing everyone out because I don't want to end my night crying again#welcome to real life I guess?#I really shouldn't complain#ashley rants#sorry if anyone read this
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