#which I guess explains why my parents got so frustrated with me at times. like in their pov they were just talking

[willowfoot]

The older I get, the more sensitive I feel like I am to sensory stimuli/overload, especially hearing… I wonder if that’s somehow a consequence of aging (?), my ADHD meds (??), burnout, or even just General Awareness that I’m likely autistic which makes me more cognizant of potential sensory triggers lol

[worldofkuro]

Painted Smile

Painted Smile IX

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Pairing: Alastor x Female! Reader

Summary: You couldn't wait to meet new friends. What you didn't expect was this smiling little boy, only one year older than you, that would take such a big place in your life.

Notes: You know what? I liked this chapter, I wasn't very sure about it at first but in the end, I enjoyed writting it. I hope you'll enjoy as well ! We are approaching the end of their teenage years~ How sad... but how exciting !

“ Do you think this is a good idea Alice?”

“ An incredible one !”

You were in your bedroom, having a girls night together. You were talking about the Chrismast’Eve’s soirée you had, gossiping together. Of course, you told her about what happened with Alastor when you had your first kiss and she couldn’t help but hug you while screaming delightedly with a lot of : I told you so ! 

But now, you wanted to prepare a surprise party for Alastor's birthday, you wanted to go somewhere else but you knew that Alastor would be reluctant about leaving his mother again. But once more, Alice came with an amazing idea. She had a little cottage an hour from here, she thought that you could all prepare a party for him a day before his birthday, and once midnight past you would give him his present ! Then in the morning, you would get back home and Alastor could celebrate his birthday with his mother.

You sighed as you looked at your ceiling. It would be a great idea. But there were many problems, first of all, you didn’t know any of Alastor’s friends, so it would be complicated to invite them. Second of all, you needed someone with a car so you could go to the cottage to prepare everything without Alastor noticing. And that would be impossible ! Alastor could read you like an opened book ! He would know you were hiding something…

“ But I can’t lie to him, even if I tried..” you sighed once again. Why was Alastor so observant ! While you needed to be focused on him to be able to see one single twitch from his expression, he could know what you were feeling with his eyes closed! How unfair that was… You would have to need help. “ Maybe I could ask Marie for help…?”

“ I know ! We’ll tell him you are sick because you stayed outside for too long! You have a very bad cold so he mustn't come to see you !”

You scoffed at her idea. When you were younger you got a really bad cold, which made you incapable of even standing up. Your parents were so worried that they asked for a doctor to come check on you. The man said that you needed some drugs and not to go outside until the fever settled down. Your parents mustn't stay too close to you in case you contaminate them. So guess how surprised you were when one night, you had opened your eyes and saw Alastor, wiping the sweat from your forehead. His hands were shaking but he was smiling down on you saying that everything would be okay, it was just a little cold. You needed to recover so you could play together once more. You really didn’t know if it was a hallucination or not but the next day, you woke up better and with Eamon in your arms.

“ He would try anything to come to see me. No matter the state I’m in.”

“ Even if you told him you don’t want him to come?”

“ He would know I’m lying…” you smiled as Alice was getting more and more frustrated. You both thought for hours. How could you fool Alastor? You knew he respected your privacy if you asked him… Oh wait! “ I could say I’m on my period ! And it hurts a lot so I want to be left alone!” You clapped your hands together with a big smile. The first time you had your period you were so afraid that your mother had to calm you down. When she explained to you what was happening and that you were now a woman and no longer a girl you couldn’t help but be proud.. for ten minutes, because after that you were hurting badly, you couldn’t stand up from your bed. It was a nightmare. And of course, when Alastor tried to come to see you you shouted at him that you wanted to be left alone. He was so confused but when his mother explained to him what menstruation was, he would sometimes just pass by and drop some sweets for you, never going inside your bedroom. Sometimes he would stay against your door if you were in the mood and talk about his day. 

“ Really, do you think it would work?” Alice asked, seeming relieved that you finally have an idea for this surprise party to work. You nodded excitedly. Now it was show time ! You needed your mother to be part of the plan of course, but it should go smoothly ! “ Then, tomorrow we’ll need to make a team ! One who needs to find anything about Alastor’s friends, and the other needs to prepare the cottage with decoration !”

You were curious about Alastor’s friend, you wanted to know the person he hung out with. You bit your lips and asked Alice to let you stalk Alastor. If you were lucky, you would go unnoticed.

Let the plan begin !

~~~

“ Dear? Your mother told me you were in pain. Do you need anything ?” you heard Alastor’s voice through the door. You began to dress up in disguise, waiting for him to leave so you could follow him.

“ No, I’m just tired and sweaty.. I think I’ll just rest for today!” you waited for him to answer but there was a blank. Why wasn’t he responding ?

“ Is that so… Well, I’ll come back later tonight to see if you are feeling any better, take care.” you heard him slide something under your door and you couldn’t help but awned as you saw a chocolate bar. He knew you too well! You took it quietly as you heard his footsteps near the stairs. Perfect ! You put on your father’s clothes and his hat and you went toward your windows. You could do it. You just needed to jump off to the tree, grab the branches and climb it down. Easy…  Your window wasn't on the road’s side but at the neighbor's house so Alastor shouldn’t be able to see you.

One…

Two…

You jumped and grabbed the branches between your hands. What were you doing, damn it! You climbed down the tree and hurried up to the street. Where was he? You looked on your right and saw Alastor walking down the street. You couldn't help but be excited! Today you were hunting for information about Alastor ! You walked at a reasonable distance from him, watching him rearranging his tie with the shop’s vitrines reflect.  You tilted your head as you saw him being greeted by a lot of ladies who would giggled after Alastor flashed them his charming smile. 

You had tailed him for hours, he would go into a library, read some books, then go to a coffee shop and get a black coffee. Nothing worthwhile. You sighed behind your journal. You were sitting on a table not too far from him, watching him but he was just enjoying himself, alone. You should just ask Marie for information, maybe it would be more useful. As you thought about leaving you saw a bunch of boys going toward Alastor, greeting him with laughter and smiles. You smiled, were they Alastor’s friends? You tried to listen to the conversation, which was surprisingly easy, they were very loud.

“ So Alastor, what’s good for you?” said a green eyed boy “ We haven’t seen you for a while, why don’t you come hunting with us? We hear there were great beasts in the bayou.” you could see Alastor's smile widened darkly. He took a sip of his coffee as he listened to the group of boys talking about hunting. Maybe Alastor was hunting with them instead of his father, it was a sweet thought. Now you just needed their names so you could bring them to the party ! 

Alastor talked with them, mostly laughing at them. But the group of boys did not seem to feel hurt by Alastor's comment, they were listening to him like he was the Messiah. Was that because they thought he was joking? Did people really not understand Alastor that much? You sighed, they couldn’t be Alastor’s friend, from what you knew, he could be using them for a greater purpose. 

After a while, Alastor excused himself before leaving the coffee shop as his… guests, friends ? tried to coat him to stay with them. Alastor accepted a hunting session with them before leaving. Mhn.. You stood up and went toward the bunch of boys.

“ Excuse me, are you Alastor’s friends?” you waited for them to nod before continuing “ Would you like to be present for his birthday?”

“ Are you planning a birthday party? Of course we will come! You know what, we will share the news to his other friends, don’t worry, where will it happen ?” asked the blue eyed man. You gave them all the information before running off. Now, you need to go back home. You took a shortcut, going into a dark alley. If you memory was great, you’ll have to–

“ May I know why you are following me, my goodfella?”

You freeze. It was Alastor’s voice. Your back was facing him, you didn't know what distance he was standing on but you couldn’t turn around, he would recognize you. You heard his footsteps coming closer.

“ Did your Mother not teach you any manners? It's rather rude to not answer a question my good friend.”

You ran.

You ran and you could hear him behind you. Damn it Alastor ! Don’t run after someone who stalked you all afternoon! 

You avoided any trash that was standing in your way. You saw a fence in front of you. It wasn’t very high, you could jump over it, then you would be into your neighbor's garden, you’ll just need to climb the tree and jump into your bedroom. You couldn’t help but smirked as you jumped over the fence, you always were faster than Alastor ! You fell graciously on the tree and began to climb the tree, you looked behind you but couldn’t see Alastor, did he give up? You entered your bedroom through your windows still wide open. 

You stood there as you heard the front door opened violently downstairs and then your mother’s voice.

“ Alastor? Why are you runni- Alastor!”

You panicked as you heard Alastor footsteps running faster in the stairs. You took your clothes off quickly and hid them in your closet but as you ran toward your bed while putting on your nightgown you stud your foot against the furniture making you yell painfully. You fell on the bed, groaning, fuck that hurted !

“ What is going on?” you heard Alastor shouted as he slammed the door open. You curled on yourself, sweating and breathing hard from all that running. You felt his cold hand on your forehead. “ You are sweating although your window is wide open.” he shut the window and stared at you, caressing your back.  At least you could pass your foot pain for menstruation’s pain. 

“It’s because of the smell that I’ve left the window open but Alastor… What are you doing here ? You said you’ll come later…”

“ Well my dear, I was chasing what I think could be your stalker.” you stared at him with wide eyes. Did he mistaked you for a stalker? Well, you did follow him all afternoon but…” But what was worrisome was that when I chased them, they ran into your house’s direction. You haven’t seen anything suspicious my friend ?” he stared at you with his usual smile. You shook your head trying to be as innocent looking as possible. He kept his gaze on you for more than a minute before kissing your forehead. “ Well, I’m sorry to have disturbed your rest my dear.”

You kissed both of his cheeks before laying back down on the bed. You waved at him goodbye before sighing in relief. You could still feel adrenaline inside your body and you couldn’t be prouder than yourself than right now.

Alastor did not catch you.

~~~

You were with Alice, finishing decorating the cottage. It was a cozy place, far away from the city, there was even a lake just behind the house. It was frozen, of course, but when summer came, you could all come here to have some fun!  You were the 30st of December, the surprise would be tomorrow, everything needed to be perfect.

“ I think we did everything we needed to, we brang drinks, food, blankets, what more do you need, woman!” said an exasperated Alice. You knew you were being annoying right now but you really wanted everything to go smoothly. “ I’m done, we are going home, come, my cab is waiting for us.”

“ No, I think I’ll stay here tonight.”

“ I beg your pardon?”

“ I know, just… I… Please.. As you said, I’m perfectly safe here right? So what bad could it do to stay a night here, also, I know that if I see Alastor one more time, I would slip and spoil the surprise ! So please, Alice… Go back home, and manage the guests. I’ll wait for all of you here, with the drinks and food ready, even with the fire in the chimney.”

“... I really don’t want to but… Fine, there is a telephone here, in the entrance. If you need anything, you can dial my house’s number, okay? I’ll tell your mother you’re staying here. And if you need to run away because.. I don’t know what, there is a backdoor that’s always unlocked, I’ll enter from there if you call me okay? Keep the front door locked.” you nodded before hugging her. You knew she didn’t like your idea at all, but you were happy she trusted you enough to let you go.

You waved at her as she took her cab and left. Well, now you just need to light up a fire and find a room where to sleep. You were excited, it felt like it was your own house ! You smiled as you imagined your life like the owner of this house. You took Marie’s book recipes, now what should you cook?

~~~

A snowstorm.

A fucking snowstorm.

It’s been going on for three hours now, thank God you have enough woods so you didn’t have to go outside to find some. You were sitting in a cozy chair with your hot chocolate, a romance book on your laps and with a bright fire in the chimney. You really hoped it would stop before tomorrow, you didn’t want to cancel the surprise. 

You closed your eyes. Well, you just had to wait…

Thud

You woke up, sweating. You sat up, making your book fall on the floor. What was that? You looked around you, the fire was almost completely extinguished, only a few flames remained on the wood. You stood up streching yourself and yawned. You fell asleep like that? You took the blanket with you, ready to go to bed when you heard it again.

Thud

You felt your body shivering, your heart beating stronger and faster. Okay, it was a real noise, it wasn’t a trick from your mind. You went quietly into the kitchen, and took a knife. You weren’t even sure of what you were going to do with it but safer than sorry, right? You stared at the front door, where you heard the noises. You couldn’t see anything from the windows, it was dark outside and with the storm going on… It was too dangerous.

You watched as the door handle moved.

Someone was trying to enter.

Someone was trying to enter.

Someone was trying to enter.

You didn’t realize you were shaking. It couldn’t be Alice, she told you she would enter by the back door. She wouldn’t try to open the front door. What should you do? Run by the backdoor and getting lost in the snowstorm or staying here, waiting for this person to enter and do… You didn't want to think about it.

The noises coming from the door stopped. You held your breath, counting in your mind the seconds. You’ll count to one thousand and then you’ll go back to the living room to see if you could notice something.  You were around 665 when you heard a window breaking upstairs.

You screamed.

The footsteps ran toward you.

You ran.

You slammed opened the backdoor and ran into the snowstorm. Where were you going ? You didn't know, you wanted to lose the intruder in the snow and then come back safely into the house. You held the knife in your hands, if needed would you be able to kill to protect yourself? You heard a shout behind you, he seemed closer than you thought. You needed to do something, anything ! You could already imagine your mother’s face if she happened to know you had gotten killed ! Alice would die from guilt. And Alastor…

You slid on ice, hitting the back of your head against the floor. You frowned, what was..? You touched the ice and realized you were on the frozen lake. You felt your eyes getting teary. Why was that happening, why? You tried to stand up without falling and then you saw the shadows of the man following you. 

“ Stay away !” you shouted, the wind carrying your voice to you don’t know where, holding on to your knife. “ I’m not afraid of killing you !” 

Your legs were shaking but if you were to die, you would die fighting ! The shadows came closer and closer, his hand stretching toward you. You raised your arms, ready to sink it into his chest. You warned him !

“ Look at me !”

You opened your eyes, you didn’t even notice when you closed them, and saw Alastor, standing near the edge of the frozen lake. He was only centimeters away from you. Have you gone mad? Why was Alastor here? Why was he looking at you without smiling, his eyes begging you to listen to him. 

“ Alastor..?”

You tried to walk toward him, trying to catch his hand but the only thing you heard before blacking out was the ice cracking underneath your feet and Alastor calling out your name.

~~~

You were burning from the inside, were you in Hell? 

“ Open your eyes, don’t you dare fucking die ! Anyone but you! ” 

You felt someone’s lips against yours. You didn’t want any other lips on yours but Alastor’s. You pushed the stranger away as you began to cough violently. It hurts. Death wasn’t supposed to be a peaceful journey?

You opened your eyes weakly and there he was. Alastor who was drenched above you. You were so cold.. it was burning you. As soon as Alastor saw your eyes he fell to his knees, his head tilted back, his hand covering his face, whispering something you couldn’t hear.

“ Alastor..?” You looked around and realized you were back in the cottage, the fire has been lit on. You sat up slowly and looked at the blanket around you. You were freezing but tucked into a lot of blankets. “ What are you doing here..?”

“ Is that the first question you want to ask me ?” His voice was cold, his face was stoic, his usual smile non-existent. He was shaking. “ What were you thinking going out in a bloody snowstorm? Have you lost your mind ?” he stood up, raising his voice at you. As your memories came back you understood what happened. The man you thought was an intruder was Alastor. 

You looked down, ashamed but then anger replaced that feeling. Everything would have turned out great if he didn’t come!

“ I was doing great before you came along! Why are you here?”

“ There is a bloody stalker after you and you decide to stay alone in a deserted area ? Tell me dear, are you trying to impress me with your stupidity because you succeeded. Congratulations.” he said mockingly as he sat on the sofa, trying to dry his hair with a towel.

“ I was preparing your birthday, it was supposed to be a surprise !”

“ My birthday’s not worthwhile if you are not by my side!” he shouted, throwing the towel on the floor, his eyes shining with fury. He came to you and tugged you closer by grabbing the necklace he had given you on Christmas. “ What a charming surprise it would have been, finding your dead body in the snow ! Celebrating my birthday would mean celebrating your death? Oh, you really are spoiling me, my friend. You really are taking the cake!” he spat as he stared at you. 

“ Don’t shout at me !”

“ Don’t play with your life then!” He took a knife from his wet pants.” What did you think you could have done with that? Would you stab a man my dear, tell me, would you do it?” he taunted you, mocked you, moving the knife in front of your eyes. “ Do you know how to kill, my dearest?” his voice was low, menacing but you weren’t afraid.

“ I would have.” you stated. Even if you had closed your eyes, in your mind, you were ready to stab the intruder.  “ I was ready to stab to live…” you felt your eyes beginning to tear up.” I was so afraid that I was going to die without seeing you again.. That I was ready to kill someone…” you sobbed as you realized that you almost killed today. You fell to your knees, sobbing. Alastor was angry with you, you almost died, his birthday was a disaster… You wanted to disappear.

You felt his arms around you and you couldn’t help but sob harder. You grabbed his shoulder, pressing yourself against his wet cold clothes. You wanted to feel him more than ever.

“ What.. What happened ?” you hiccuped as he stroked your hair.

“ The ice from the lake broke. I jumped in to save you and take you back here so you wouldn’t die of hypothermia.” he whispered, his body still tense.

“ We shouldn’t stay in wet clothes then..” you took a step back and then you realized, you were in your underwear under the blanket. Did Alastor strip you? You blushed as you looked up to him, he was looking at his own clothes with disgust. 

“ There are no other clothes for me, I’ve looked around.” he sighed before looking away. You shyly touched his shirt and tugged it gently, mutely asking him to undress. He looked at you for a long minute before taking his shirt off and then when you saw them.

Scars.

So many scars were on his upper body. You approached your hand while looking at Alastor who wasn’t smiling. It was so intimidating. His eyes weren't as warm as usual when he was looking at you, there was something completely different. He softly took your hand in his and with a soft sigh, kissed the back of it. He kissed the back of your hand, once, twice.. before tugging you against him and kissing your lips avidly.

You brought your hand into his hair as you kissed him back with so many emotions, fear, worry, desire, fondness… You didn’t know what words to put on your other feelings but what was important right now was Alastor.

You both were panting, you didn’t want to stop kissing him but you needed to breathe. He laid you on the floor, kissing your cheeks, your forehead, your nose, your jaw. You were breathing hard, holding onto him, tilting your head back so he could kiss your neck. He was kissing, biting as if making sure you were still here with him.

After a few minutes, he stopped, panting against your chest. You were gripping his hair. You didn’t really know what was happening but you felt great… 

“ Don’t ever… Don’t ever do that again my dear…Don’t ever go somewhere I can’t find you...”

You hugged him, pressing his head against your warm chest. 

“ I promise.”

He sighed once last time before standing up and walked toward the telephone, calling your Mother’s house. You stood up and tried to find clothes for Alastor but there weren’t any that would fit him. You sighed and decided to just take all the blankets from all the room. You went back to the living room just when Alastor ended the call.

“ I just said you were okay, I didn’t talk about our little trip outside.” you nodded and put the blanket on the sofa. You didn’t know how to feel, here you were in your underwear and Alastor shirtless. It happened in the past… But why right now.. It seemed different? You shook your head, it wasn’t important. You held your hand toward Alastor who raised an eyebrows.

“ Let’s sleep.” you said softly. He sighed but walked toward you. You pushed him on the sofa and then laid on him before pulling the cover over you. You caressed the scars you could see, you could feel his body tensed when you touched one who seemed deeper than the others. As you began to fall asleep you felt him nudged you.

“ Stay awake a little longer.. I don’t think I’m capable of seeing you with your eyes closed right now…”

You nodded but you were so tired… You fought against sleepiness until Alastor said it was okay to rest.

Tag List :@lukneetoonz @martinys-world @littlepoetnova @sirens-and-moonflowers @eris-norwega @tiredflame132 @mo-0-o @vvollerie @sodavizz @boogiemansbitch @tessemerick @slytherin4ever @kammsinn @alastorssimp @t0xic1vi @diamond-almond @fangirlbitch02 @saccharine-nectarine

[inkspiredwriting]

Time Travel Tacos

Five Hargreeves x reader

A/N: I started writing again after eight years, I've never uploaded my stories here on Tumblr before and that's why I'm a little scared. please tell me if you like it

Warnings: None

The day started like any other for Y/N. She was working the lunch shift at Tasty Tacos, the best taco stand in the city, and trying to keep up with the steady stream of customers. It was Taco Tuesday, which meant extra busy, but Y/N didn't mind. She liked the fast pace, the chatter of happy customers, and the smell of sizzling meat and fresh tortillas. What she didn't like was the sudden appearance of a disheveled teenager with a very serious expression standing in front of her.

"Hey, kid, you lost or something?" Y/N asked, glancing around to see if a concerned parent was nearby. The boy, who couldn't have been more than thirteen, although he had the aura of someone much older, stared at her with piercing blue eyes.

"Do I look lost to you?" he retorted, sounding both annoyed and world-weary.

Y/N raised an eyebrow. "Well, you're standing in front of a taco stand looking like you just crawled out of a time machine, so yeah, a little."

The boy sighed and rubbed his temples. "I'm Number Five. I'm from The Umbrella Academy. And no, I'm not lost. I'm exactly where I need to be."

"Uh-huh." Y/N tried to process the information. "Right. And I'm supposed to know what The Umbrella Academy is because...?"

Five looked at her like she had just asked him to explain quantum mechanics to a toddler. "It's not important. What is important is that I need your help."

"With what? A taco?"

"No," he said impatiently, "I need to borrow your taco stand."

Y/N blinked. "You need to borrow...my taco stand."

"Yes," Five said, as if this were the most reasonable request in the world.

"Why?"

He sighed again, clearly frustrated. "I don't have time to explain all the details, but let's just say I'm on a mission that involves saving the world, and right now, your taco stand is the best place to hide from some very dangerous people."

Y/N looked around. Her taco stand, with its cheerful red-and-yellow paint job and the happy chatter of customers, hardly seemed like a place for world-saving missions. But then again, she had never met anyone quite like this kid before.

"Okay," she said slowly. "So, you want to hide behind the counter or something?"

"Exactly." Five gave her a rare, small smile. "And I'll take a taco while I'm at it. Beef, extra spicy."

Y/N shook her head, trying to wrap her mind around the bizarre situation. "Fine, but if you get me in trouble with my boss, you're paying for all the tacos."

"Deal," Five said, already moving behind the counter with surprising agility for someone his size.

As Y/N prepared his taco, she couldn't help but ask, "So, you time travel and save the world, huh?"

"Pretty much," Five said, peeking out from behind a stack of tortilla boxes.

"Must be exhausting."

"You have no idea."

Y/N handed him the taco and watched as he devoured it in record time. "Good thing you've got tacos to keep you going."

Five looked at her, crumbs around his mouth. "You know, Y/N, if we do save the world, maybe I'll bring the team here for a celebratory meal. You might just have the best tacos in the entire timeline."

Y/N laughed. "I'll hold you to that, Number Five."

Just then, a group of men in dark suits and sunglasses appeared, scanning the area. Five ducked down lower, motioning for Y/N to keep quiet.

"Let me guess," she whispered. "Those are the dangerous people?"

Five nodded. "Yeah. And they do not appreciate good tacos."

Y/N smirked. "Their loss. Hang tight, I'll handle them."

She stepped out in front of the taco stand, greeting the men with her best customer service smile. "Hi there! Can I interest you in our special Taco Tuesday deal?"

The men exchanged confused glances. "We're looking for someone," one of them said.

"Well, I can assure you there's no one here but hungry customers. But how about a taco while you search? On the house."

The men hesitated, then grudgingly accepted. As they ate, Five slipped out the back, giving Y/N a grateful nod.

"Best tacos in the timeline," he mouthed before disappearing into the alley.

Y/N chuckled as she watched him go. "Just another day at Tasty Tacos," she muttered to herself. "Just another day."

[ladykakata]

I just saw your post about ian’s disorder and how it distorts his reality and makes him question why mickey remains in his life and you really hit the nail on the head. people rarely talk about gallavich’s relationship battles from ian’s perspective unless it’s to criticise him and I think a lot of people find it difficult to relate to his issues ig? but mood disorders go hand in hand with anxiety, identity and confidence issues. but I also think its a writing issue because so little of ian’s experiences with his illness comes from his own perspective. so it makes sense the audience tends to sympathise more with mickey because we don’t get to see ian’s personal struggle or his reasoning for certain behaviors and s10 is one of the rare examples where he got to explain his issues and the audience still couldn’t understand. sorry this is ranty lol but I’m just happy to see more meta that defends some of ian’s actions 😊

Thank you <3 It makes me sad to see so many comments practically demonise Ian, and while Ian DOES do questionable things, he's no more or less blameless than Mickey.

A comment on my post mentioned that Ian fought for Mickey just as much as Mickey fought for Ian ... in the early seasons. Remember, Mickey literally beat Ian up in frustration over the situation with Svetlana and the forced marriage. Does him attacking Ian get him off the hook for what he did? No. Does it justify it? No. It's context, not justification, which can be two entirely different things. Ian refused to let Mickey go, he loved Mickey and was visibly heartbroken at the idea his man was slipping away, even if Mickey was trying to cover up his own upset by acting aggressively. Stans might paint Ian as in the wrong again, saying he should have been supportive of Mickey going through the forced marriage and understanding it's not as 'easy' as Ian makes it sound for Mickey to just deny his father. But bearing in mind, their relationship was still very young, Ian knows Terry is a disgusting and violent man, but the sense of doom and horror is not the same unless you've grown up with it and lived it like Mickey.

Ian fought for Mickey. And Mickey fought for Ian during his bipolar struggles. Keeping score is NOT wise in relationships, so I wouldn't call this keeping score, more them trading places in who is asking the other to stay or saying they love the other during dark times.

Another point is that this was all before Ian's bipolar condition really started to manifest, so Mickey must have been even more confused that the man who was distraught over him entering a meaningless marriage was suddenly pulling away and questioning his devotion. Emotional permanence is difficult in a lot of conditions, again I am not bipolar myself but DO have pretty erratic emotional issues that mean I can go from feeling adored to feeling like the scum of the Earth everyone hates, and there's the persistent background hum of feeling unwanted that's lifelong. Ian gets a triple-hit in that he's a middle child (younger than Fiona and Lip, older than Carl, Debbie and Liam), he's inherited Monica's bipolar disorder and his chronically unstable home life tends to lead to the idea of feeling wanted by his parents and forgotten by most. I wouldn't be surprised if he felt like his mother just rejected him/abandoned him considering how often she is gone, Frank has literally attacked him unprovoked and it was only when he grew in height and gained some confidence he really started to push back, and he is neither the baby of the family nor the parent figures that Fiona and Lip were forced to be. The people he tends to form relationships with tended to lean towards lust with no real chance at a stable, happy relationship (Kash, a married man with children, and Ned, who is the same albeit Jimmy is an adult) before Caleb and Trevor, which wouldn't surprise me if he again subconsciously thought he was disposable.

I guess I'm picking up on the side effects of Ian's neurodivergence, and it pairs with a comment remarking on how people are supportive of mental health disorders until their effects affect them, then suddenly everything is unacceptable. Again, some of Ian's actions are not justified - I'm once again referring to him baiting Mickey into a physical fight by calling him slurs - but he himself explains why he did it. Mickey looked past it, and I do wonder if he's realising that yeah ... Ian, the man HE knew and who was proudly gay with very little tolerance for homophobia, suddenly turning around and calling him slurs was incredibly out of character and likely another moment of Ian's brain lashing out.

Ian did negative things to Mickey, and he should apologise. Just as Mickey has done things to Ian and should apologise. One is not better than the other. Mickey's reasons for doing things can lie with his upbringing, PTSD and circumstances, Ian's reasons can lie with bipolar disorder, his upbringing and circumstances. But they are still well-intentioned for each other, and I think they do help bring out the best in each other.

[fantomette22]

What are some Maria headcanons that you have?

( @izunias-meme-hole)

Lady Maria headcanons post (part 1) :

Alright! Well I already share those a while ago : https://www.tumblr.com/fantomette22/743244500505378816/lady-maria-vs-keeper-of-the-old-lords?source=share  +couple of other around my blog

So I will try to share other things not just related to « Maria could do pyromancy from her living if she really wanted to but was actually terrified by it! Because she didn’t want to use her own blood to inflict pain and death. » also I won’t explain in detail how I hc she got her Rakuyo : by directly going to the East herself! (Yamamura’s country).

🍂But why did she name it like that? The Rakuyo? Well Rakuyo means « fallen leaves » right? Well, when she finally got her blade she needed to baptise it, to use it properly for the first time. And guess on what she uses it? A fallen leaf! (naturally falling in autumn). Cut it straight in two halves. And that’s how she knew how she was going to name it.

Enjoy the ride t's going to be long ;)

⚔️She got an Evelyn gun during her teenage years and before the Rakuyo she often train & fight with both a chikage and a reiterpallasch (she really like dual wielding 😎 or maybe with another sword like the shadow could have been a thing she fight with 🤔 but yeah I guess she was trained with all type of weapons) I wonder if she could have been a bit ambidextrous too.

⚜️Ok now concerning her family (tree) I have at least 5 different headcanons for it 💀but let’s just go with my main one aka the fic verse one (where she’s just Annalise’s cousin XD). Because if you get me started on the alternatives it’s just never gonna be over XD (those are really in very different timelines. It’s not really the same characters & events are different)

🩸I imagined she had quite a mixed relationship with her family. It’s like when you love them bc it’s your family, you like the good memories and nice moments you have, this little chill & special outings etc but there’s also some stuff you’ll never be able to forget or forgive them. You feel you need distance and be autonomous to not get hurt by them anymore, to not get frustrated and misunderstood. Just have news and share things outside.

She never really fit in with her peers. Kinda an odd one who just masks really well to fit into the mood when asked of her. I prefer to say « a (white) wolf » in a pack of hounds in context but yeah black sheep in a white flock if it’s easier to understand x) She had a lot of pressure on her shoulder as well (being the last pyromancer and not far in the line of succession)

But she really likes her close cousins which she grew up with (Annalise, Vled), a couple of other friends (Charles, Svetta, a couple of future young knights etc) as well as younger relatives and kids (Leo etc)! But she doesn’t get that much along with the others. Like she goes along better with the servants probably. 

⚜️She mainly grew up between Cainhurst and where her parents had lands and their manor (in the north, near a coast). Her parents are often not there because they are sent by the crown to places so it's complicated . When her mother is in a good mood that’s mostly fine, her dad is a bit more chill (he taught her how to play a lot of card games and poker too! She probably played 2-3 times with money at stake. She prefers amical things. She will absolutely beat your ass at it too. She’s the definition of having a poker face XD)

👑She was a lil bit raised like a future lady in waiting but more as future knight (page (of the king), squire, knight training etc really rough training too 💀 very dark shit hm like beat the shit out of people while wearing a full weight armor, swim in a ice lake and idk shot hm dead things… I swear there’s more fun things but hm yeah…)

That one really isn’t fun as well but i imagined that during her teenage years she already had to deal with mental health issues (due to well some pb with her family etc). Thankfully, she did get better after spending a summer a bit far away at a friend's home (to simplify). Still she got scared for some years afterwards that some of those dark thoughts would eventually return. Thankfully it didn't for most of her life. She got some happy times…Bad times too but not that bad until well probably more than 15-20y later where you know… she would sadly not make it out this time.

🌌She was accepted as Byrgenwerth and went to mainly study sciences, astronomy, but did learn a bit of theology as well as medicine (basic medicine stuff,  nurse & help midwife etc). She did 5y and got a master degree. She also participated in underground expeditions arranged by Byrgenwerth.

⭐️She probably know how to speak way more than 2 languages : whatever they speak in Yharnam, latin/pthumerian language, whatever the equivalent of Japanese is and probably a bit of other European languages too. Oh a north/slavic languages as well, because she had ancestors from there too).

🐴When she was very little they got some borzoi I guess but most of her life at Cainhurst she got 2 siblings crows (I have Phobos & Deimos names in my draft) as well as her own horse, named Filan. (mean little wolf in gaelic/irish apparently? Speaking of which Maria's nickname when she was little was "little wolf" maybe in another language too). She probably had a couple of plants too.

(suppose to be almost a full black horse but i’m not 100% settle because i could go full horsemen of the apocalypse aesthetic with other knights if i change the colors… but in my first draft that’s a black horse yes)

🔥When she was very little they discovered she could eventually have pyromancer blood power.It might have been a huge pride for them and honor for her but… clearly Maria didn’t want to become like the shadows of the antics pthumerian royals. A silent and hidden knight who kills without asking questions… clearly she wasn’t really found of this idea 😅 Thankfully for her she don’t know or to use such power and didn’t put much effort to try to learn it (in life she will probably accidentally use it 2-3 time…)

She highly respects a lot of traditions and culture from Cainhurst but there’s stuff like exposing the remains of animal prey that she found a bit barbaric. She doesn't mind others using blood blades and she will do it alone/ for training or even in choreography but she doesn’t wish to hurt or kill with it.*

💔So she was supposed to become a royal guard but things didn’t go like they should have…the poor young knights got into a fight with something by accident… a mortal trap they couldn’t win… only Maria made it out alive. Very hurt and slightly traumatized… She then had a huge fight with her family & relatives about what happened. She couldn’t even send news to her friends bc they forbid it to calm any rumors about what happened…Hm then Maria’s family decide to send her more north where her parents have lands etc so things calm down and she could ya know do her knight work or smt. Anyway she run away at Byrgenwerth💀

Sorry for the meme jebfekb I am not giving lot of details for now but it's highly link with my Knight & Beast of Cainhurst story.

(Why this meme too? Well due to rumours her friends legit thought she died 💀 she went to Byrgen only 1-2 months later. During the holidays. So she sent to like Ludwig & the other who weren't there letters to tell them she was ok. That's were came this meme XD)

❤️‍🩹Anyway she was partially disowned of some stuff for a bit and didn’t came back at Cainhurst for while. But after some times, her and her family wanted to both apologize and reunite, but without an occasion it would be complicated. Well, until a CERTAIN SOMEONE stole the forbidden blood to Cainhurst and tell them Maria helped 💀 (she had no idea, and he only did that bc he owns her one). So she didn’t approve but she kinda reconciled and they gave her the occasion to do a mission for them later on, in JAPAN (the Eastern land) and well you know the rest.

⚓️She had the occasion to go to « Japan » and have her dream of becoming like half in charge of a ship after getting her master degree! (she just did navigation stuff with the stars but maybe she was captain lol that’s what she wanted to do when she was little actually. But reading Evelyn diaries and not just the novels she realised how hard it was to always have such life h24)

Congratulations Lady Maria! 

After really hard years.. and trauma… and a exhausting presentation 

You win : 

a master degree in astronomy (sciences & other things)

a nice meal with your parents & family that congratulate you

a big part of your inheritance back!

a super wine bottle to share with your friends

 a trip to japan

finally your promised personalised double sword

a personalised hunting attire when you came back

to able to work with gehrman’s hunters & the healing church when you came back

So proud of you ❤️👏

✨Other lil hcs : 

Laurence made her very interested in religion. I am not joking, I sincerely believe he converted her somehow. / Made her very interest into great one religion etc

Gehrman saved her life more than once, she did the same. They went into lot of hunt training/camping trip as the beggining of being hunters.

She became great friends with Ludwig, Rom, Caryll, friends Damian too etc back at Byrgenwerth. With Micolash it was a bit more nuanced for a while. Before becoming close friends they were roasting each other often XD but respected each other too.

Her brooch either came from her mother or the late queen (aunt) so a family heirloom I guess. Ressemble a lumenflower. 

She helped the early healing church with treating people, make food, teach kids etc

She was highly respected by all the old hunters. Even if she had some tensions with dear Izzy at like the beginning they knew each other XD She earn their respect and everyone ended up very liking her being her kindness, abilities etc

When she was sent alone or with a couple of hunters to help in a secluded villages, people were of course really skeptical at first but she quickly proved them her worth.

I think sometimes she wears dresses…  but hey she never wears high heels or ballerina shoes (she hates it so hey she still has her special style! aka huge boots XD) It’s often very simple ones as well. Except at Cainhurst, it’s not very extravagant.

She loves to read tons of books (cainhurst library is there for smt XD)

With her cousins they loved to explore and wander the castle! At night too.. got them into trouble more than once.

Sometimes she wears sunglasses when it’s very sunny (poor girl has white eyelashes you see! she have an excuse)

She really loved the lumenflowers too like i explained last time.

She got some scars at the base of her neck. That’s why she almost always wear a jabot with her broach. (maybe on the hands too. that’s why she often has gloves).

She made (with a bit of help) Gherman’s red scarf while in japan.

“Of the Astral Clocktower” because she basically funded its construction with her own money. So like it’s partially hers on papers. (She did mostly astronomical studies & took care of the patients kind of like a nurse during her time at the research hall

She could play a couple of instruments (especially violin and cello). 

Of course she know many ballroom & court dance and taught other to others when they were invited to some places.

She actually can “sing” very well (but more music without real lyrics like the dream ost for exemple) ! She would probably almost never do that in public too.

Some books at the workshop are hers

Oh, did I already told she was very scared of pthumerian pyromancers before she fought the keeper of the old lords?

Ok now because I didn't know what to add to the post I asked some of my friends to help me with questions they wanted to know about! Thanks @heraldofcrow & @fareehaandspaniards there you go:

Was she comfortable with life at Cainhurst? (Before the Vileblood)

I think I answered that above ^ it’s very complex and complicated. Sometimes it goes well (especially in childhood) but sometimes it’s very complicated and not so good… (especially during teenage years and during some events where she got a lot of pressure and all. It got better after all this mess and Vilebloods mess of course (even if some distance was left compared to before). 

🩸🐦‍⬛Bloody Crow’s relation to Maria? 

In my main hc he’s the son of Maria’s cousin (Vled, the knight). So her little cousin basically. But to simplify I often say he’s like a nephew to her. I named him Voron! (I know very imaginative it means raven XD)  Still unsure if he’s born before or after the hamlet (probably after too) but in all cases Maria was around to help with the birth and to help take care of him for the first couple of days. She loved him very much. Also In the case something were to happen to his parents, well the king & queen would take care of him but if somehow they can’t/something were to happen to them too, Maria promised she would be the one to take care of him. 

Still, she died when he was very young. Probably like 3-6 years old. So he does remember a bit. But just a little and he has very good memories of her. But he also saw his family hurting from her disappearance and all and so he grew more mixed feeling but mostly it stays positive. He really looks like her in a lot of ways.

🕷️Rom and Maria friendship 🥺? 

I see you want to know more about their friendship! I think They had a wholesome friendship overall! But it didn't begins great. I am trying to write it in my fic since a few months but it's all hard and idk how to do that exactly XD

Like they were doing a group exercise and Rom was pretty bad and it (supposed to be quite easy) and Maria who got frustrated to explain it so much lash out a bit and tell her like “are you dumb or something?” 

Everyone in the class isn't very nice to Rom (and Maria) and said worst things behind her back so she thought that was, you know OK somehow and not that mean. But she quickly realized afterwards her mistake, that Rom was the Provost daughter and that she had some disability. But despite that, she was still trying hard and she must be very strong to have the lvl to be here you know! 

Maria feels very bad about it (Micolash had dark looks to give her too lmao)  but after a while (talking with other people cough cough) she decided to come to her and apologize sincerely and even try to help her on a few things.

Rom was quite surprised at first because nobody, you know approaches her like this to apologize and that's a huge thing considering Maria is from Cainhurst and a noble.

I mean she didn't even have hard feelings against Maria because everyone else is way meaner and she kinda forgot about it. She was quite surprised but also very thankful and they began to talk more. Micolash was the most surprised and he told Rom to be careful to not get walk over, to not believe lies and stuff but he quickly realized that it was genuine. And Rom had to reminded him (with Damian) that well, when he first meet Rom he was kinda of a bully at first!  Before becoming a mother hen with Damian.

So yes the two girls began to talk about a lot of things! She even got invited to Rom’s room. There’s tons of insects and underglass and stuff but generally people don't like that but Maria found it cool! She got some back home too and found it very interesting actually! So they quickly became friends with all the little gang. And also they are basically the two girls of the squad! I mean Caryll is in the girls squad too but they can also be in the boys squad so yeah anyway you know how girl besties can be x) you don’t share the same things exactly. Plus Caryll & Rom are really in the must protected squad.

 Maria even defends Rom from her family when she came back for the holiday and they asked her if she made some friends and who they were and stuff. And you know uh Mara had to told them in a very exaggerated manners that « oh I'm friend with the Provost daughter you know! » (You know because that's what they want to know, if she made strong connections with interesting people before anything else…)

But of course, you're going to have very rude comments from some relatives or something who’s going to say “oh the retarded one?” 💀  And everyone's looking at him like “can you please not say it like this?”  Poor Maria just standing there and dunno what to say because she really cares about her as a friend. She doesn't just want to have friends to show off she has important contacts. She genuinely values those friendships. Sadly, she can’t just tell her family that her friends are mostly “the weird introvert group kids! just like me!”(so she talk about Ludwig too! but don't put too much details on others…)

So yeah they stayed great friends for years. Sadly, in tough moments they didn’t really share what hurt them to the other… (after kos etc maybe a bit but not too much)

🗡️🛡️What or who inspired Maria's path of knighthood in her youth?

History books & knight novels! Her grand uncle, the other knights, king etc, Her family push her/ “let her choose” that way as well.

Lady Evelyn stories (she was like Maria grand aunt/ cousin of her grandparents, mostly an adventurer).

The bodyguard of Annalise’s mother who was at first a mercenary sent to Loran before becoming a royal knight.

🍜What were Maria's food preferences?

Hm i think if it looks/smells average and edible she’s actually not that complicated XD She made a lot of effort through the years to get used to more common and simple food.

My poor girl couldn’t really cooked anything when she arrived at Byrgenwerth besides cutting basic things, make tea, made ramen and skins animal meat (like rabbit) before Gehrman thought her other recipes 😭 (she made great soups afterwards! hunters like it, she cuts aliments well XD but yeah my boy cooks well for everyone he made her liked many simple things that if not done well many don’t like. But bro is the only one who probably likes some chard gratin or something out of everyone…)

Like most of her family, i supposed she would very much enjoy some rare/medium rare meat XD but when it’s EVERYDAY she got very tired 💀 I mean she tried to tell her family it was too much so they respected her wishes and gave her only vegetables for a couple of days… but not like normal meals no! like a whole ass not decorticate salad or full ass carrots with skins and all! 💀 She rapidly apologized like you can guess. (still she can’t stand those damn carpaccio when there’s too much!)

Besides that yeah only non meat dishes don’t bother her at all, she would even prefer most of the time. She likes both sophisticated but also very simple dishes she discovered.  Exotic food from the east. Of course my girl liked sushis, fish, sea fruit etc. I mean she used to like it way more before… you know… afterwards many hunters couldn’t just smell white fish for a few days without feeling nauseous…. for Maria she just couldn’t bring herself to eat like 95% of white sea fish anymore… (I guess salmon and thon and lobster were still ok but that’s it really).

And well of course deserts are always so nice so whatever 🤤

🌻Her relationship with Adeline?  /Who is Adeline to her in your interpretation? 

(Yeah both of you asked me this one! x) )

Well depending on the interpretations I have two main interpretations for her! (in the AU/very different timeline where Gehrman is like Maria's dad, that's her girlfriend lol) but in my main interpretation that’s not really the case. I prefer to see them as friends and very close friends I think? during her early time at the research hall. Another close friend she made who’s mainly outside of her main group. But both have quite an evolution through the years they knew each other. 

If i remember the draft in my head correctly it goes like this : 

After Maria graduated (and came back from her mission trip) she went to help the early healing church develop itself and its activities between hunts and going in the pthumerians labyrinth and that’s where she met Adeline.

I supposed Adeline is a Yharnamite? but she lost everything (her family. not sure what happened) and basically didn’t have a home anymore and clearly saw herself as worthless (poor girl had terrible self esteem issues all her life afterwards…) So the early healing church took in some people in need, gave them a place to sleep, eat and heal them if they were sick. Maria took care and helped Adeline during that time (after it was Laurence too).

And so the 2 became friends! In the end Adeline (who had nothing left) decided to dedicate her life to the healing church and helped others as well, so they saw each other with Maria afterwards! They advised each other and could have been a bit confident of each other as well. Of course Maria wasn’t very hyped when Adeline became a blood saint fully (seeing the bad things it could do to people) but she respected her choices.

During the research hall, before Adeline took part in the experiments, she helped Maria, Rom, Caryll etc around with the patients & other things. I suppose because of some dreams/ exposure to something, the decline of everyone's mental health, and maybe other people asking her... she decided to give herself fully to those experiments as well in the end… Her death was one of the last straws for Maria...

----

I know I have more questions left but I am reaching Tumblr word limit soon so I will reblog/make a 2nd post (or even a 3rd)💀 with the rest of the most interesting (and huge) questions! It's not quite written yet but for now this should be a nice distraction and a good reading I hope!

[httyddragonfox]

Dragon Prince season 6 surprises

I just finished the season today! I was so right about what tone it would have. Of course there were things I never expected, really shocked me out of the water there.

1: Rayllum reforges! I wanted it, I could guess it might happen seeing as they were on a journey alone again, but it still was a pleasant surprise. Hopefully they don't split up again, ...(also, please have nothing break them apart!)

2: Only some of the three parents get revived. I didn't expect one of the stones to be swapped out. Dang it Aaravos! Why can't anything go swimmingly for these two.

3: Callum taking the decoy with him! Callum is usually so aware when he gets controlled, the fact it happened without his knowledge. I thought Aaravos would want what was at the Star scraper, but then again he has all the star power he needs.

4: Viren surviving...and then Dying. I was surprised when he was alive, then again the homunculous wasn't around in the trailers and Claudia was covered in blood, but I thought she killed it out of frustration or something. How would she have found out about the "Blood of child" thing? So of course I didn't see him go back to Katolis, interact with Soren again, and explain his backstory. I figured we'd learn it, but he wouldn't be around...as weird as that logic is. Then Viren sacrificed himself to save everyone as his final act of redemption. Seeing him alive was already a shock, I didn't expect to see him die...for real.

5: Callum purging the darkness from himself. I knew Callum was going to be tested of some sort, but I thought that was how he was going to get the crown. I honestly thought the darkness within him would come back to him in a more dramatic way. Maybe it still will, they did hint that any more darkness will corrupt him entirely, and the next season is called 'Dark.' It was sweet that the light that saved him was Rayla, and allowed them to get back together.

6: Finding out what the key is for. I honestly thought we'd find out in season 7, or that the key would release him. Then again it was around when Aaravos wasn't imprisoned, and it's his key... who knew it was for a magic book this whole time. That better be some special book.

7:Using the Moon nexus again: Here I thought Lujanne thought it shouldn't be used. She grew lenient in two years. Also I didn't think we'd be seeing her and Allan.

8: KATOLLIS IS DESTROYED! That never happened in any of my theories! Dang, Aaravos doesn't play around. Speaking of...

9: Aaravos hates Sol Regum. I knew he got rid of Adititi, but that was probably just to cause Chaos. I didn't know it was personal with the Sun dragon. Also, such a surprise Sol Regum had a mate...which he killed.

Now the big one...

10: AARAVOS HAD A DAUGHTER NAMED LEOLA AND SHE WAS THE UNICORN THAT GIFTED HUMANITY WITH MAGIC!!! I had insights...but never the full picture. The short stories made it seem like he didn't like the other startouch elves, that he disagreed with them. I figured, "He must like Humanity much more than them." Second short story, there was a fallen star, given his name, I thought it was him. I thought they banished him for some reason. The opening of the first episode, I'm thinking maybe he was just banished. The merciful one shows up and says "We are all stardust held together by love for an instant." That makes me think somebody died. I learned in season 5 about Leola and her 'last wish.' Maybe he was crying over her death and how unjust it was. Never....did I put together that she was his daughter. I never saw Aaravos as a dad, seeing how cruel he can be to people and how silly he acts at times. Also I didn't think the Startouch elves had families. That was a real wringer for me, but the real heartwrencher...

11: They showed a child dying on screen! They showed how scared she was, they showed the love they had for each other, how heartbroken he was, how horrifying the death was! They didn't shy away at all. Darn you creators! Why do have to make me cry!

Much more intense a season, more mature themes, more blood, more death! What's the next season going to be like?!

[the-words-we-sung]

Thoughts and pictures - S3E3

The great rewatch of season 3 continues! And we're halfway through with episode 3. As usual, it's probably gonna get a bit long so proceed with caution 😁

And we're starting off with some big big pressure on Wilhelm, for a change... "I don't know if I can handle it" => ma'am, you're the queen, you're an adult, you're his mother. Get a fucking grip!!

How can she put so much pressure on her son's shoulders? I understand that she's unwell, she hasn't grieved Erik's death properly in season 2 so this break down was bound to happen I guess, but how can she (and Ludwig) just abandon Wilhelm like that? And not so long after his speech (and the "trial" with August). Did either of them talk to him about it? About this huge coming out he just did? About how brave he was? One day I'll write a post just about Wilhelm and his parents because I have A LOT of feelings.

And I don't know a lot about how a monarchy works but would Wilhelm really have to step up and replace his mother if she was suddenly unfit to lead, despite being 16? That doesn't make a lot of sense, does it? Especially in this case when Wilhelm has been Crown Prince for very little time (and even needs a special Crown Prince school during summer to learn his duties).

"You wouldn't have been able to handle it. That I can fuck up too" => oh Simon, my sweet sweet boy... I have to say that I really like his scenes with his mother this season, I really needed to see Linda actually act like a mom, and Simon to become more "real" with her. So I love their scenes and dynamic this season!

Is Wilhelm still seeing Boris? Or is he really all alone in dealing with his mother's health and everything else? My boy needs help...

I'm sorry but Simon with helmet hair is just the cutest thing!

But gosh their communication is just so awful this season... On one hand Simon frustrates me a tiny bit because I didn't think he would be so "naive". I mean, of course it must feel truly awful to receive to many hate comments, but he's a teenager who knows how to use social media so I would have expected him to know that these people are trolls and responding to them would lead nowhere? The people writing these are not interested in knowing him or the truth or anything, just in being nasty because it's easy to do so anonymously. But also I guess he's 16. He's super young, I'm probably expecting too much maturity here and not being super fair ><

And on the other hand, Wilhelm also frustrates me because he barely stops to listen and to actually see what Simon is going through. And yeah, he's got the crazy pressure from his family and his mother being unwell but still, he's being very selfish. And he has always had a tendency to be, but it's 10x worst this season ><

(Also why did he not say anything to these mean girls mocking Simon's song when they entered the music room together??)

I'm realizing now that truly, these Boris sessions with Wilhelm and August are really fucked up: the sessions with Boris helped Wilhelm so much last season, he felt safe enough to talk there, to be honest, and he was able to work through the hard stuff in his life. And now they put August there? The person who made him feel unsafe, who recorded him and leaked the video online. They put that person here in his safe place with him? Which might explain why there's no more therapy sessions for Wilhelm this season (outside of the ones with August). It's so fucked up...

Wilhelm is feeling so cornered...

And Simon is breaking my heart... Omar is such a good actor, he portrays sadness way too well, I wanted to cry almost every time I saw Simon in this episode. He's so depressed, thinking everyone hates him, it's hard to watch... Why did season 3 have to be so cruel to him?

It's hard to enjoy the sweet moments between them (this scene for example, which I forgot was gonna happen there :p) when we just had a sad Simon, bad communication between them, Wilhelm being mean to him... It makes it hard (for me) to enjoy the cute scenes because it just feels like a small band-aid put on a gaping wound ><

I really liked that we got to see Felice's dad again, and this scene is so important! I love Felice's decision to go without her dad and to be honest in the end. I still think she should have had a stronger storyline throughout the whole show. She's a great character and she deserved more!!

Sara and Micke singing in the car: 💛 "I'd rather have a papa with bad spells than no papa at all" => I don't know August... I guess it's the eternal dilemma..

Just because he looks so incredibly beautiful here 💜

This Sara and Micke conversation was so important and needed! I really liked that we finally got a bit more information about Micke and what happened to their family.

And another scene that I forgot was happening in this episode ^^' I got too used to seeing the cute (and hot) scenes from this season with gifs here that I know them without the context around :p

Why is it that every time something good happens to Simon this season, it backfires immediately and Wilhem makes him sad about it? 😩

3 more episodes to go, wish me luck >< This season is even more depressing than I remembered ^^'

[theshotsheardacrossworlds]

Homesick

Frustrated by the lack of any solution to her not so little tadpole problem, Selene Longsong receives comfort from an unexpected source---Rolan. SFW.

Selene Longsong yelled, tears streaming down her pale red cheeks and tail wagging behind her. She then picked up yet another rock and threw it into the water. After a truly depressing dinner with her companions, she explained that she needed some time alone to “process everything.”

Process.

Process that so far, we’ve found no cure. That Nettie had a bloody branch coated in a lethal toxin in case I didn’t tell her everything.

WHICH I DID BECAUSE I THOUGHT HEALERS ARE SUPPOSED TO HEAL. FUCK ME, I GUESS!

“FUCK!”

“A good evening to you too.”

WHAT?!?!?

Selene turned suddenly around to see quite possibly the last person I expected to see. “Rolan.” She sniffled, wiping her eyes. “I, um, didn’t hear you coming.”

He rolled his eyes. “Well, it must be hard to hear among the screaming and splashes.” Any bravado and humor he might have had disappeared as he observed her. “Are you alright?”

He looks worried.

Can I trust him?

Should I trust him?

Or will he—

He tentatively stepped towards her, holding out one of his hands. “If I might be of any service, my friend, then please—”

Her lower lip quivered as more tears fell. “Rolan…I just want to go home…”

“I know, my dear. I know.”

Between his sad smile, tender tone, and kind eyes, Selene allowed herself to let go for the first time since she was abducted and began to weep. Rolan immediately took her hand, and with his other arm around her thick waist, he led her to a nearby bench. “There, there. There, there. Why don’t we sit down?” He murmured softly, and she felt herself practically melting in his hold.

After they settled on the bench, I’m not letting go of his hand. Feels too nice. And he smells nice. “I’m sorry. I…” Sorry, it’s been a shit in a shit week. “I just want to go home…”

Home.

Mum and Dad.

My cat.

My friends.

Brownies.

Where there’s no tadpoles or racist druids or cults…

“You said home is Baldur’s Gate, did you not?” He asked as he squeezed her hand. “Do you have family there?”

She nodded. “My parents. Mum’s a cook at Wildheart Manor. Dad runs his gran’s bakery, where I work in between adventuring jobs.” Finally stopped crying. Thank gods. “Though he wasn’t always a baker.” She smiled and squeezed his hand. “He was a pirate when he was a young man. Mum was a barmaid at the Elfsong Tavern. But when they found out they were having me,” What a fucking surprise that was, according to Mum. “Mum got the job at Wildheart Manor, and Dad decided to help his gran and the bakery. And now I do too.” As much as I love being a barbarian…being an adventurer…protecting people…I don’t know. Mum and Dad are getting older. I should…I wish…No. Best not to speak of this in front of a very handsome man.

There was a kindness in his yellow eyes that she swooned over on the inside. I’m not making a fool of out of myself…not in front of him…oh gods. “You’re close with your family. That’s admirable. Wonderful, even.” Rolan chuckled nervously. “Lia and Cal annoy the hells out of me sometimes, but I don’t know what my life would like without them.” He glanced at her quickly, cheeks flushed. “Your parents must be very proud of you.”

“From the day I was born, they’ve been proud. Wanna hear something wild?” Haha get it, I’m a wild magic barbarian. Please laugh. Oh thank fuck, he laughed! “My parents are human—”

Rolan’s eyes widened. “Y-you mean, you were born to human parents or were you adopted?”

Uh oh, maybe I should keep my mouth shut. He looks even more nervous. Shit.

She released his hand and fidgeted slightly. “Yeah, born to them. Um, if this makes you uncomfortable…” Maybe he thinks I’m a freak?

He reached for her hand again. “My apologies. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable. Far from it.” THANK GOODNESS. “It’s just…erm, I’ve never heard of a tiefling born to human parents who actually…kept the baby. You’re the first.” He shook his head, then met her gaze, smiling politely. “But please continue. I want to hear where this story is headed, as it were.” Rolan, you’re such a fucking dork and I love it.

Selene grinned. “So, when I was born, the midwife tried to tell Mum and Dad I could be ‘removed’ or some shit. Do you want to know what they did?” Upon hearing him hum in assent, she continued. “Mum clutched me and said, ‘If you try to take my baby, I’ll fucking kill you.’ Dad apparently was ready to enter a rage and was looking for something blunt to knock out the midwife if necessary.”

He barked a laugh. “Goodness me, your parents do love you very much. Yes, yes…” Stop being so nervous, Rolan. Do I make him nervous? Shit. “You’re very lucky, you know.”

Yes.

Yes, I am.

And I miss them so much.

Okay, before I start crying again, I need to change the subject.

“I’m also very lucky because I have a cat.” Selene giggled. “His name is Mortimer, and he’s my baby.”

Rolan snorted. “Mortimer?”

“Mortimer. I found him when he was a kitten…”

Selene did not know how long she and Rolan sat and talked, nor did she care, only admitting the passage of time when he stifled a yawn.

“Forgive me, I think the hour is now quite late.” He said with a rueful smile. “May I walk you back to your camp, my dear? You never know what lurks in the shadows.” Rising, he offered his hand, which she took with a warm smile.

Rolan, I’m a barbarian.

She shook her head and stood. “No, I’ll be fine. Thanks for tonight. For listening. For being a friend. Thank you.”

Her bright blue demonic eyes stared into his yellow ones.

Should I?

I SHOULD!

Heart pounding in her chest, she quickly kissed his cheek, wished him a good night, and turned to return to her camp, giggling like a giddy schoolgirl.

Rolan stood frozen for several moments before he lifted a hand to where she had kissed him.

“Good gods, she’s going to be the death of me.”

[butchlesbianmike]

Tower Tarot System Headcanons (Mike & his system)

Under the cut are my detailed headcanons for mike, his backstory, and details about his alters. Note that i've changed some 'canon' stuff and added a few new alters.

TW: There will be mentions of Parental Abuse such as neglect and implied physical and emotional violence. There will be mentions of Sexual Abuse relating to Mike & Vito.

Keeper

• System Aware • One of the main Gatekeepers. More of a state of consciousness than an alter. Not sure how to explain it even as a system myself but basically more of a concept and a fragment? It is not really an alter that another alter could just come up to or interact with. • Was created by the horrid neglect and abuse endured at the end of the system's mother which from a young age made clear they would not be able to function without amnesic barriers separating states of consciousness/ego states.

Lucia:

• 5 - she/her - System Unaware, became dormant until Mike went to therapy. She then became system aware. • Alter i created for their system. Sarah is a child alter and technically the first host the system had but quickly became a rarely fronting part due to varying traumatic events between the ages of 3 and 5. Her age got frozen around 5 years old. She also stopped being host at that age after a harshly traumatic event. • System is unsure if there are other parts younger than her, she is the youngest identifiable host.

Chester:

• 56 - He/Him - System Aware - One of the gatekeepers • Split off around 4. • Introject of their grandpa on their mom side. Very important to Sarah and was very kind and took good care of the system.Their mom was incredibly neglectful and their grandpa is basically who raised them. Their mom cut contact with their grandpa after a fight between them. • Losing their grandpa alongside the constant abuse now worsening from being around their mother more did lead to a split. • Chester appears very grumpy because they found it funny whenever he would go on rambles and complain about silly things to them but also because they were hardly ever allowed to express negative emotions or frustration around their mother and so Chester became a part that held a lot of those negative emotions they didnt feel safe expressing.

Svetlana (Went by Lucia) :

• She/They - Ages with body - not quite system aware, notices things but very much normalizes them. Becomes system aware once Mike gets a girlfriend and also starts exploring gender. • Split off around 7 when their mom started signing them up for competitive gymnastics. (They were already doing gymnastics before, but competitive only started at 7). • Main cohost for a long time. Helped Sarah and Lola with learning gymnastics and handled competitions due to their mother being incredibly abusive during tournaments and competitions. • She wasnt really aware she was cohost, she felt like this was her life but she kinda saw it as like.. "oh i just feel more like myself in my element! Gymnastics is just really important to me and its where i thrive everybody say they have masks depending on if theyre at school or at home or with friends!! I guess my mask just comes off when im doing gymnastics :D". • She thought that the Russian accent was just a bit she was very dedicated to and what helped her 'get in character' for competitions. That it was just her trying hard to be like those russian gymnasts they really like on TV to feel more confident. • She always felt uncomfortable with being infantilized and felt much older, but everyone around them would say they have an old soul so she assumed that must by why. • She discovers she's a lesbian around when the body's age is 14. • She is one of the alters alongside Vito who causes Mike to realize something isn't adding up and reach out to try and get therapy. • Did not like Mike's girlfriend and actually really disliked being referred to as a guy. This was actually a main source of conflict between her and Mike and another reason Mike started feeling something was wrong because he realized that the dysphoria he got seeming more masculine or being perceived as more masculine didn't feel like it was Actually Him. • She often would be very distant and even cold to their girlfriend because she realized that they were a system and that she wasn't Mike and that actually his girlfriend was hurting them. • After therapy and system work and being acknowledged as her own alter, her relationship with Mike got a lot better and they agreed on keeping some feminine stuff for her to wear whenever she's front. • Actually really likes Zoey and tries really hard to hint that she also likes her. She and Zoey actually start dating too.

Lola (Went by Lucia):

• She/her - 10 - system unaware until she stopped being host. She became system aware when the body was 12 and that she got yonked and became more of an internal alter and very very rarely ever fronted again. She was under the care of Manitoba and Chester in the headspace. • Another system kid and previous host, she handled life from 6 to 12. • She and Svetlana were really fronting together almost all the time and switching between eachother frequently, although rarely experiencing blackouts more than greyouts. • While she was a host from ages 6 to 12, she stopped aging in the headspace at 10. • A huge part of this was due to how rocky elementary school was. They were changing schools left and right and it was really hard to keep up with all the constant changes. Around 10 she lost one of the only friends she had managed to make and due to their already fragile state, this was distressing enough to halt her development as an alter in itself. Svetlana mostly started being the main host from 10 to 12 although Lola was still there and at least cofront a majority of the time. • Starts fronting a bit more after Mike starts doing system work (Body age around 17).

Mike:

• He/They - Ages with body - First Host to become system aware. • Split off around 12 due to stress bcuz the system moved in with their dad because their mom no longer wanted to be responsible for them nor pay for their highschool necessities. • He became host because he didnt carry much of the traumatic memories related to their mom, didn't have system awareness, and was fairly functional with school and with their dad. • At first he had it a lot better than previous hosts and was one of the most stable host for a short while which made it that switching didn't frequently occur except here and there or when triggered due to x y z. • That changed about 8 months after him being host. A month before turning 13 he started figuring out that he had a crush on a girl and might be a lesbian. • Not only that but also started getting a lot of gender dysphoria, even feeling uncomfortable with a lot of his clothes and even pictures of him in his gymnastic outfits and competitions. • Nothing much came out of the crush except heartbreak which did kind of shake things up for the system. Mike felt things very profoundly and the heartbreaks of feeling like he would never find love because he likes girls destabilized the system a bit which led to more frequent switches- especially at school to continue functioning with the classmate mike had a crush on. • Around 14 Mike finds out more about things identity wise and starts thinking he might be a transmasculine butch lesbian, but isn't sure of himself because he feels his identity is very shaky and constantly changing so he settles on being genderfluid. (This confusion is mostly caused by Svetlana who also is discovering she's a lesbian btw). • At 15 is when the big bad happens for Mike. He gets his first girlfriend who happens to be older and more experienced than him. She sees him as a trans guy, even though he tries to explain he isn't. She is very forward and sexual to him, which freaks him out. She is constantly trying to see his chest and fetishize him especially when he's binding. • At 17 after a long time seeing a therapist due to the previous events, he found out he was a system and has been doing system work with his therapist for a year now. This is the same year he signs up for total drama.

Manitoba 'Jones':

• He/Him - 21 - System Aware • Split off around 13. • Introject of Henry 'Indiana' Jones from specifically 'The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles'. • Chose the name Manitoba to distance himself from his source, although he finds high comfort in it. • System Historian / Internal Helper. He also frequently takes care of the syskids and takes them on adventures in the headspace. • Very rare for him to fully front but he likes to come sit around front whenever anyone watches action movies. • Is actually the one that handled breaking up with Mike & Vito's girlfriend because neither of them felt like they could and when he figured out what was going on he got very protective.

Vito:

• He/Him but later on uses any - 18 - System Aware • Split off around 15 because of Mike's girlfriend of the time. • Split off as a sexual protector and hypersexuality symptoms holder. • Sexualizes himself a lot because it makes him feel in control and desired. Feels like because 'hes a guy' it means he has to like and enjoy it bcuz thats what a real man would feel. • Gets triggered front everytime anyone in the system loses their shirt because of it creating dysphoria and PTSD. • Was actually the most heartbroken when they broke up with their shitty ex girlfriend. He loved her a lot and saw himself as her boyfriend more than Mike did, even if he knew deep down she wasn't good to them. • Is the alter that, alongside Svetlana, made Mike realize something wasn't adding up and start talking to a psychologist and getting therapy. • Started unpacking a lot of his relationship but still holds a lot of the system's hypersexuality symptoms and has a weird relationship to gender as he feels like his 'gender' as a 'guy' is affirmed through having withstood their ex' abuse and 'enjoying' it. • He is actually nonbinary but it takes him a while to figure that out and only really figures it out AFTER total drama.

Mal:

• He/She/It - Ages With Body - System Aware • Persecutor/Misguided Protector. Split off during total drama all stars. • Mal split off with the belief that to win the game you have to be selfish and self preserving and manipulative. • He feels that Mike is "Too soft" and "Too kind" to survive let alone win the game. So he decides to play it by 'their rules'. A rule that Mal perceives to be the only way to make it through. • Due to splitting off with the belief of needing to replace Mike, she actually looks very similar to him in the headspace and while she doesn't like it she finds it very easy to imitate him and sees it as a way to protect the system by imitating Mike to win the show and get everyone away. • She thinks Mike is too 'naive' and 'trusting' and Mal sees that as a weakness others in the show will exploit and abuse so he decides to distrust everyone including the people who the rest of the system feel are safe like Zoey and Cameron. • It doesn't come from a serious place of malice more than a maladaptive coping strategy where Mal is in constant survival mode and unwilling to let his guard down in case the system gets hurt and he KNOWS that its bound to happen being part of total drama. • This is reinforced by the fact that Mal split off with memories concerning their ex girlfriend and knows how deceiving people can be, especially seeing how some of the people on the show have tons of red flags that reminds her of Mike & Vito's ex. • He tries to protect the system by constantly trying to force herself front and by betraying people and playing 'the villain' so that no one will hurt them and that they have more chances to win if they're the one to strike first and he lashes out and gets angry when the system calls him out for it because he doesn't understand why they dont see what he sees. • After a lot of therapy and help from the system and Zoey and Cameron, Mal unpacks and unlearns a lot of the harmful ideas she split off with and also starts exploring herself outside of 'Total Drama'. A lot of her identity is tied as 'Mike's only hope to survive total drama' and its a lot for her to work through. • She gets on much better terms with Zoey later on, but it does take a very long time to build up that trust between them even if Zoey understands where Mal was coming from.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

hi! I've been reading through your blog and you seem to give decent advice, so I figured I'd try my luck at something that's been annoying me recently.

So to start, I'm 17ftm (no testosterone), I have had many mental health struggles on the past 5 years and my parents don't really trust me or take me seriously. And I have never had sex with a penis haver so no possibility of pregnancy at any point.

Okay so my problem is that I never get consistent periods and almost always skip more than a month in between. They actually started pretty consistent when I was 13 but became extremely irregular after I gained a lot of unexpected weight (I was on a high dose of antipsycotics which I believe caused this). I skipped 6 months when I was 14. Since my parents don't take me seriously, they kind of softly assume I'm exaggerating or just not counting the days right ever time I bring it up and it made me so frustrated that last year I finally got a period tracker and committed to filling it out daily. I finally decided to go back and check how long it's been because I felt like it had been forever since I actually bled and uh. Guess what I was right 😬

Since the new year, I logged myself as "spotting" on February 7th and January 22. I marked myself down as "light bleeding" on the 18th. Every other day this year there has been no bleeding. Is this abnormal??? My mom keeps saying things like "I skip months all the time" but it's just really unsettling me I feel like something's wrong. I've also had period-like cramps a few times since the year began and at one point they got really bad, like a 7/10 but again I haven't bled even a little bit except those three days I just want to know I'm not being unreasonable.

I do plan to talk to my doctor, my dad set an appointment for next week (I didn't tell him what it was for & he didn't ask which was nice) but while my GP is usually pretty good I'm worried she'll dismiss me like my mom always does & I'm worried I'll phrase something wrong or not describe things correctly. (I have the kind of autism that gives me psychic damage when people don't understand me hence the multiple paragraphs to explain a fairly simple issue... Sorry about that btw)

Thanks for your time and I hope I wasn't too annoying🪻

hi anon,

irregular periods are pretty typical when you first begin menstruating, but the fact that they haven't leveled out by now could definitely be indicative of some kind of complication in your reproductive system that's definitely best to know about sooner rather than later. I'm sorry your parents have been dismissive of you, but if your GP is generally reasonable I'm sure she'll understand why you're concerned; missing your period for months at a time definitely falls into what's considered irregular and warrants further investigation, and it sounds like you've been documenting your experiences enough to back up that that's the case.

I hope everything goes well and you can find some answers <3

[skzhua]

mornings with you ('your eyes' series)

♡ "Come live with me."

pairing: hwang hyunjin x reader.

genre: fluff, slice of life, neighbour!AU, suggestive.

word count: 9,321

warnings: swearing, cheesy asf.

summary: you've been living in the same apartment building for years now. everything has always been to your comfort; no noisy neighbour, no argument with the landlord, a cozy neighbourhood... when you've come to the realization you could not pay for your sweet home anymore, your friendly neighbour suggests a plan for you to stay. are you going to say no to the handsome man with many charms? of course not.

SERIES MASTERLIST

Your pen was rolling off your desk, yet again. With a small groan, you bent down to pick it up, your friend Dahye giving you an annoyed look. The class was three hours long, and with already two hours in, you couldn't wait until it was finished. As an attempt to occupy yourself, you had been playing with your coloured pens and had dropped a few of them in the process. Dahye had given you the death glare each time and you couldn't do much else than smile apologetically. As the teacher kept talking, you drew your attention on your notebook where you had drawn small sketches over the last few weeks. Inspecting your poorly drawn flower, your brought your pencil to it and started to form some shading. Focused on your work, you did not hear your teacher calling you out. Much to her exasperation, Dahye nudged your arm making you shoot your head up.

"Sorry, what?"

The professor sighed in disappointment before repeating. "I asked if you could explain the meaning of Hamlet."

Completely clueless, you stared at her as confusion spread across your face. Seeing that you did not know the answer, she asked another student which made you relax before going back to your drawing.

The class finished sooner since the professor ended it by giving you your next assignment. English literature was either your best subject or your worst depending on the teacher. This semester, it was clearly your weakest one so far. Can you blame yourself when the class was three hours with a boring woman speaking monotony in front of you?

It took you some time to gather your belongings while your friend waited, tapping her foot on the ground. Your bag all packed, you pointed to her foot with a confused look.

"What?" she said nervously in defense. "I'm stressed."

"You're always stressed." you snarked at her as you headed out of the classroom. "It's just a small assignment, nothing to worry about."

"Small? Y/N, this grade counts for 20% of the semester. If I fail this, I'm failing the course. My parents are going to kill me if that happens." she frantically explained, but you rolled her eyes at her dramatic behaviour.

"Says the girl who has perfect marks."

She kept on ranting, but you were not listening to her anymore. You reached your shared locker to get your hoodie before you walked together to the bus stop. You could not wait to arrive home to drop on your bed while watching a movie. You could only imagine the warm bowl of popcorn filled with butter with a beverage on the side. While daydreaming, Dahye's stopped on her tracks, frustrated with how you paid no attention to her.

"Y/N." she nagged, waking you up from your trance.

"I'm sorry." you smiled weakly. "The class was so boring, it tired me."

"Right, now let me guess. You're going home to do nothing of your evening?" You grinned at her guess, but she didn't copy your expression. "I don't understand why you got a dorm apartment for yourself when you could have a simple dorm. You barely get out of your room, anyway."

"And I keep telling you on how I like my place. The building is quiet enough, unlike yours."

The conversation was cut quickly when her bus pulled over in front of you two.

"I'm going to study at the coffee shop tomorrow, you're coming?" she asked, but you shook your head as a no. "Alright, I'll see you next week, then. Have fun alone, tonight!"

"Thank you, Dahye." you faked a smile as she got on the bus.

Your apartment was in the closest dorm building on campus. The landlord was not originally part of the school, but they made arrangements to accept students to reduce the fees. This made this even better. You had a wide place for yourself for half the price on the usual market. No matter how much Dahye was going to mock you for living on your own, you liked your home so much. You liked how close it was to the campus and how it was peaceful although the fact that all tenants were young adults who liked to party. One thing you had grown fond of was the cute art major student who lived at the end of your hallway. From the few conversations you'd had with him, you learned he was renting the place to make himself a small art studio. You admired the passion he held for this hobby of his. You wouldn't say you were close to the guy, but you were civil to each other. In fact, you used your hospitality many times to come to his help.

When the elevator opened when it reached your floor, you were more than happy to see the young man, who was struggling to open his front door. You chuckled from the sight, being far enough so he couldn't hear you.

"Hyunjin." you said loud enough for him to turn his attention to you.

He smiled while trying to hide his distressed look from his fight with his door lock. "Hey, Y/N!"

"Are you alright?" you chuckled again.

With a sigh, he gave up trying to look normal as worry creeped back on his face. "Honestly, no. I think I mixed up my keys with my sister's again, cause I can't open it. I'll have to ask her to come over... again."

If Hyunjin had the looks of a prince, his younger sister had the features of a goddess. Hyunjoo was, unarguably, one of the most attractive girls to have stepped foot in the college. Hyunjin was already famous among the students, so his sister entering the same school had been a big deal. You were one of the few lucky ones to be able to talk to him on a daily basis. Not like it mattered to you. For you, Hyunjin was simply this clumsy boy with a big heart. Cute.

"You can come in while waiting for her." you suggested, but he moved his hands as to refuse your offer.

"You already did this last time, I don't want to be a bother."

"You're not a bother at all."

Still reluctant, he agreed nonetheless and followed you behind to get in your place. Luckily, you had cleaned around the day before, so it wasn't as much of a mess. Being used to it by now, Hyunjin made himself home by sitting on your couch, pulling out his phone to text his sister. In the meantime, you served him a glass of water and he gave you a warm smile as a thank you.

"She said she should be here in about 15 minutes." he said while turning off his phone to put it aside.

"Good." You sat down next to him. "I was about to continue this drama I started last week. Wanna watch it with me?"

"Sure." he shrugged his shoulder.

You started to play the series on your TV, and got up to go make yourself some popcorn. You would have made Hyunjin a bowl, but if he wasn't going to be staying for more than 15 minutes, you would have made it for nothing. He commented on the characters and asked you a few questions about the plot since you were already halfway through the show.

It didn't take long when you heard a knock on your door, a cue for your neighbour that it was time to leave. You opened the door to the, now familiar, girl who was glaring at her brother, unimpressed.

"Hi, Y/N! Thank you so much for giving shelter to my dumbass of a brother." she smiled kindly to you. "I don't know how you mix up our keys all the time, stupid." she snorted at the man, not forgetting to hit his arm.

Hyunjin flinched at the contact and stared down in shame. "Sorry." he mumbled. "Thanks again, Y/N. I'll see you around." he gave you a soft smile.

"Anytime." you laughed. "Bye, Hyunjoo! It was nice to see you again."

The girl waved you goodbye as she dragged Hyunjin behind, nagging at his clumsiness. You watched them go for a few seconds before closing the door. Hearing the noise from your TV, you suddenly remembered you had a night in for yourself to attend to. Without losing another second, you brought your popcorn with you to watch your drama.

Romance was something you believed to be rare. From past experiences, you could say for sure that none of the gestures your favourite actors were doing for their partner on screen could be seen in real life. Part of you wanted to believe you could have this kind of dynamic with a significant other, but life showed you otherwise. Your past partner, Minho, was close to being your dream man. However, his detached personality could not fit with yours and resulted to multiple arguments. Since then, you had not put yourself out there. You were fine with being single, most of the time. But when you were watching your romcoms, that's when you would be longing to have this in your life.

After a few tears dropping from your eyes and two episodes watched in a row, you glanced at the pile of clothes overflowing your laundry basket. Maybe it was time for you to clean your clothes. For once, you decided to be responsible and grabbed the basket as you left your flat. The common laundry room was rather spacious. Mostly, it was a spot where you liked to interact with your neighbours. You might had been hoping that you would meet Hyunjin again, but to your small deception, you met eyes with Jeongin when you opened the door.

"Ah, you." you joked and the younger boy gasped, offended.

"Sorry I'm not Mr. Handsome."

You picked the washing machine next to his and started to load it. "I'm joking, you're handsome too." you smiled.

"I know." he smiled back. "Jisung told me Hyunjin got stuck outside his place again."

"Right. I had to let him squat at mine."

"That's twice in a month! I'm starting to think he does this purposely."

"Don't be stupid. Hyunjin is too preoccupied with his art or school that it makes sense he's being clumsy." you shrugged, closing the machine and starting it.

Jeongin's started to beep as a sign that his batch of laundry was done. After gathering his clothes (and his roommate's), he started to fold them lazily.

"Did you ask Jisung to take turns with the chores?" you questioned as you observed him.

"I did, but you know him. He stays inside all day and doesn't go out unless I force him to."

"Poor you."

As he finished placing the clothes back in his basket, he waved you goodbye and headed out of the room. As for you, you waited for the machine to be done by scrolling through TikTok. You didn't want the app, initially, but your psychology project partner, Felix, had insisted for you to download it. You would never admit it to him, but you became addicted to it. It helped you pass time, especially at times like this one.

An hour or so passed before your clothes were dried and folded. Walking out, you stumbled on your feet clumsily and lost your balance. Cursing at yourself mentally, you didn't even try to get your balance back and you let yourself fall. When your body stopped mid-fall, you let out a breath in relief.

"Be careful." a soft voice spoke and you recognized it almost immediately.

Getting back on your feet, you grinned at the sight of the man. He had changed into a more comfortable outfit: a pair sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. No matter what he wore, he looked good.

"Thanks." you said shyly.

As he was about to say something, you took off rapidly and ran to the elevator. His gaze lingered to your direction as he let out a small huff. You were one of a kind, for sure.

Psychology class was only fun because Felix was in it and brought you brownies. The moment you learnt he had the hobby of baking, you begged him to bring you some of his pastries each time he would make them. Thankfully, he was too sweet of a guy to say no, and he started to do so since the beginning of the semester. People got the word about his baking skills and started to request baked goods from him, and he accepted. The infamous brownie boy was your creation and you could say you were proud.

When you saw a tupperware on your desk, you had never sat down on your seat so quickly. Morning class could not be boring if you had food along with it.

"What did you make, this time?" you asked Felix while you hopped up and down on your chair.

"Chocolate chips cookies. I'm trying to convince Hyunjoo that I'm a good baker, but the woman is hard to please." he let out a heavy sigh.

Although Felix had never told you explicitly he liked the girl, it was more than obvious. You could not blame him, you had a thing for one of the Hwang siblings as well.

"I'm not complaining if that results into more desserts." you said and took a bite of a cookie, moaning at the delicious taste.

Felix shot you a disgusted look. "I get that they are good, but don't make those sounds..."

"You should just take the compliment instead."

"Y/N, Felix." the professor glared at you. "Class has started."

"Sorry." Felix bowed his head before nudging your leg with his foot.

You held in a laugh as you almost choked on your cookie. Yeah, psychology class with Felix were fun. Until they were not.

The teacher allowed you to work in teams to complete the exercices and you instinctively paired up with your freckled friend. Obviously, you did most of the work, but he had brought you food so you weren't complaining. Just as you thought this course was getting pleasant, Felix had to drop a bomb on you.

"I invited Minho to eat with us."

Pausing on your writing, you looked up at your friend with a frown. "Minho, as in Lee Minho?" He nodded. "Felix, what were you thinking?" you almost yelled, but kept your tone normal since you were in class.

"I bumped into him this morning and he was talking with Hyunjin. I asked Hyunjin for some help with his sister so we agreed to eat together to talk about it. Minho has his break too, so he would tag along." he justified, but you weren't having it.

"I haven't adressed a word to him for a year, man." you whined.

"Look at the bright side, Hyunjin is going to be there." he wiggled his eyebrow.

While his crush on Hyunjoo was obvious, yours on Hyunjin was just as much apparently. However, you had avoided him since that time he had caught you from falling, too embarrased to face him again. You gave in after more bickering, determining that one lunch break with your ex wasn't that bad... No, you were definitely only doing this because Felix was your only friend in college other than Dahye and the latter had classes only in the afternoon, allowing her to sleep in. Thus, he was the only social interaction you could get and you weren't enough of a loser to eat alone in self pity.

Lunch time arrived and you followed Felix to the usual table you both would take. On his phone, he texted the two others about your location so they could join you. You were not as hungry as usual since you had stuffed your belly with Felix's cookies, so you watched him pull out his bento box where he had packed fried chicken as a meal.

"Did you cook that?" you nodded your head towards the meat.

"Seungmin did."

You could see how a roommate was useful. They could be making food or doing the laundry for you. Even though the idea was appealing, you were still content that you had a place for yourself. Sharing an apartment with someone was a no-no for you. And seemingly, sharing a table was just as much. You saw the two men approaching from behind your friend and you could already feel that the vibe was off. Minho sat next to Felix while Hyunjin took the spot next to you.

"Lee." you said in a passive aggressive tone.

"Hi." he replied coldly.

"You two know each other?" Hyunjin asked, having no idea on why there was such a tension.

"More or less." Minho shrugged before stealing a piece of chicken from Felix. You scoffed at his action, which only made him glare at you.

"Okay..." Felix trailed off before coughing to fill in the awkwardness. "So, Hyunjin. How's Hyunjoo?"

"You saw her yesterday, no?"

He blushed at the remark. "Right. Did she like my cookies?"

Hyunjin shrugged his shoulders while munching on the sandwich he had just unwrapped. "I don't know, we don't really talk. But if you want one advice, stop being a try hard. She likes soft boys."

"But I'm a soft boy..?" he mumbled before looking at you in search of any agreeing. Instead, he found you still exchanging glares with Minho. "Y/N?"

"Yeah, yeah, you're a soft boy, Lix..." you agreed carelessly.

Hyunjin was still confused and observed the staring contest more attentively. "Are you two okay?" he dared to ask.

"I guess." you shrugged. "Are we?"

"Depends. Am I too distant to be around?" Minho spat out.

Your eyes widened at his words. He did not just say that. "Am I too clingy to be around?"

In panic, Felix quickly spoke to change the subject. Luckily, Minho didn't seem in the mood to argue more and he went back to eating in silence. After more of Felix's uninteresting story-telling, you've had enough of the weird atmosphere. It was probably time you buried the hatchet with your ex.

"Min." you interrupted your friend, who sent you an offended look. Minho hummed, but he was visibly taken aback by the nickname you used. "Are we okay? I mean, for real."

His ears got red, which you took as a good sign. "I mean, I never was actually mad at you." he admitted. "I figured you wanted space after we broke up."

"Yes, but I did tell you I wanted to remain friends. So, are we good? I'm sorry for my petty comments earlier."

Even more startled, he awkwardly nodded. "Yeah, I'm sorry too. We're good, don't worry."

He managed a small smile that you returned. The weight had came off your shoulders and you could feel yourself lighter. You felt someone looking at you and you realized it was Hyunjin, still in confusion.

"Ah, we used to date." you explained briefly and he nodded.

"You have something here." He reached his hand to your mouth, rubbing at the corner of your lips with his thumb. "There you go. I think it was chocolate." he laughed nervously.

Eyes wide opened, you turned to look at Felix who was pressing his lips together, restraining himself from smirking at you.

"Thanks." you coughed.

This scenario was oddly similar to your last interaction with him. Trying to contain the blush creeping on your face, you stole a chicken piece from Felix as a distraction. Heads up: it did not work as Hyunjin was still staring at you.

Great.

"The deadline is tomorrow, how can you ask me to calm down?" Dahye exclaimed as she paced back and forth in your living room.

With your notebook in hands, you didn't bother looking at her and exhaled loudly at her usual ranting. You loved the girl, but school was making her go crazy.

"I did it under four hours of work and you know I'm much slower than you. You'll be fine."

She scoffed at your poor words of encouragement. "You don't get it. I'm not stressed about the work. I'm stressed Seungmin will stop giving me coffee each time he sees me in the shop."

You closed your notes by hearing her. "You know Seungmin?"

She pointed at you, lost on why you asked this. "YOU know Seungmin? And were you even listening to what I've been telling you for the past 20 minutes?"

Before you could answer, you heard a knock coming from your front door. You got up to answer and you saw the postman. He held you out an envelope with the school's informations on it. You were about to question on why he didn't leave it in the mailbox, but he answered before you could speak.

"Urgent news statement, I'm giving this to everyone."

Nodding, you thanked him before closing the door. Opening the envelope, a formal letter was written to inform you about new prices established on the campus. It was mostly book and food prices as well as some other service fees. Being already broke, you groaned while reading out loud the raised prices. Dahye took it from your hand and frowned upon viewing one section in particular.

"You might want to read this one."

Giving it back to you, you spotted the section about dorm prices, and the apartments had risen significantly. You were already barely able to afford the place, now you really could not pay rent anymore.

"Fuck this shit." you said, dropping your head into your hands. You heard another knock and rolled your eyes at the sound. "What now?"

Dahye opened the door for you and there stood Hyunjin, holding a cup of ice americano in his hand. "Hey."

"Hyunjin? What brings you here?"

Your question seemed to make him nervous, as he started to blink rapidly and search for his words. "Ah, um... I thought we... I don't... I... Didn't we agree on going to school together now since we have classes at the same time on Thursdays?"

"Shoot, right, I'm sorry." you got up to get your school bag.

"I'll be off, then. Call me if you need anything, okay?" Dahye said, concerned, before leaving your place.

The walk was rather uncomfortable. While Hyunjin was trying to make small talk, your mind could not focus properly. Your main problem played repeatedly in your head, trying to find a solution. Your family home was hours from the college, you could not go back there. Dahye was already rooming with a girl named Eunhee, and she most likely wasn't going to kick her out for you to go live with her. Felix had Seungmin, and Jeongin was with Jisung. Overall, the few people you knew already had roommates. The part you hated the most about the situation was that you'd have to give up your quiet place you'd grown to love.

Hyunjin noticed you weren't a 100% into the conversation, so he stopped walking and put a hand on your shoulder. "What is it?"

"Uh?" you blinked a few times.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, is everything alright? Is it about Minho?"

The both of you had grown closer immensely since that lunch break with Minho and Felix. You had exchanged numbers and went over to the other's apartment just for fun sometimes. You had told him about your break up and he told you about his non-existent love life, which surprised you considering he could get any girl he wanted.

"What about him?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "He's gotten with someone, apparently. Maybe you feel upset about it, I don't know."

From all the things that could upset you, this was the last one on your mind. "Oh, no. He can get do whatever he wants, I don't care. No, it's just that..." you paused as you felt tears building up. You felt like an idiot for crying over a stupid apartment. "The prices went up."

He let out a sigh and looked down. "Yeah, I got the paper. I'm lucky enough to have saved more than needed but I'll have to cut on some expenses."

You huffed, almost in jealousy. "Lucky you. I'll need to get a dorm instead, and chances are that I'll have to live with a pure stranger."

By now, some tears had rolled down your cheek. It took everything in Hyunjin not to brush it off for you. One thing he learnt by hanging out with you more frequently was that he was totally infatuated with you. Your careless but sensitive persona only made him like you more.

"Come live with me."

His heart stopped from his own offer. His mouth spoke before he could even think. Even then, the idea had popped only briefly. He had no idea why he let it blurt out so easily. And from your reaction, you were as dumbfounded as he was.

"I-I mean, you know my place already. And it's close to where you live. And we know each other. And I think I'm a good roommate. And I'd leave you your space. You know what? Forget about it, I don't know what came-"

"Let's do it." you cut him off.

"Oh." he gulped. "Are you sure?"

You nodded your head, uncertainly. "I mean, I don't have any other option. Not like I don't like the idea of living with you, but I mean, it's the only option that seem more than decent."

You stopped yourself from talking before you would say anything any more stupid. As for Hyunjin, you had never seen him grin so widely. Either from happiness or to diffuse the weird atmosphere, it didn't matter. It might be a bad plan accepting to live with your hot neighbour, but the perks were numerous and you could simply not refuse.

"I'll clear my art room for you, then." he beamed at you. "And before you say I shouldn't, I insist. I have access to the art studio at school, anyway, and I have a spot in my room that I can arrange for my work."

"Alright." you smiled back. "I owe you a lot then, thank you."

Upon learning you were moving in with her brother, Hyunjoo had insisted to help you out with your boxes and such. Telling her that Felix was already going to give you a hand, it only made her plead to join the lot. An opportunity to play cupid was presented to you, so you took it and had them move your bed while giggling like children. Dahye would have come if it wasn't for her essay she had to complete, but you believed she was only making up an excuse to see Seungmin.

"How many books do you own?" Hyunjin breathed out in exhaustion from bringing the third box of books already.

"I stopped counting after ten." you shrugged your shoulders. "You don't have to do this, you know. Skipping class to help me. I have these two." you pointed to the blushing pair.

"As if you wanted to third-wheel." he rolled his eyes. "It's fine, I swear. Besides, I want to help you organize your bedroom so you can feel at home for the first night."

Your heart melted. This confirmed how much of a bad idea it was to be living with him. If simple gestures like this made you fond of him, how was it going to be the day he brings food at home for dinner?

"That is if they actually move my bed." you shifted your gaze towards your friend. "Lix, the bed." you said with a stern look.

The pair didn't stay long after finally bringing your bed into your new room. Leaving to have another baking session together, you were left alone with Hyunjin. The feeling was foreign, but you'd have to get used to it. In silence, you put your clothes in your drawers while Hyunjin arranged the covers on your mattress. It was enjoyable, not saying a word to each other but still appreciating the company. After some time, he pulled out his phone to play some music for an ambiance. Unconsciously, he started to hum along the lyrics and it might have been the prettiest voice you had ever heard. You were aware of his many talents, but his singing voice had remained a mystery until now. When the song ended, you took the time to compliment him. His face now pink, he thanked you shyly as he continued to place your books on your shelf.

Hours of work had passed and you determined you were pretty much done. You ordered food and ate, in silence still, while being on your phone. Dahye had sent you plenty of texts telling you all about her evening with Seungmin, being the first time he had actually made discussion with her instead of acting indifferent. With her starting her thing with the guy and Felix being head over heels for Hyunjoo, you were surrounded with love by then. Even Jeongin had told you about a girl he met not so long ago. Forgetting you were not alone in the kitchen, you let out an incoherent grumble, complaining about your lack of spice in that aspect. Hyunjin flinched, taken aback by your sudden noises.

"What did you say?"

Remembering the man was now your flatmate, you grew embarrassed. "Sorry, I have this habit of talking to myself sometimes."

"No problem. It's kind of cute."

It was his turn to be embarrassed as he avoided eye contact, going back on his phone. He had finished his meal afterwards, not adding another comment in fear of flustering himself any further. He waited patiently as you ate your last bite only to fight with you over the dishes. Persistent, he left you sitting alone as he washed your plates. For you, the silence had lasted for too long. Standing on the other side of the counter, you leaned onto it as you made talk.

"Did you call back that girl who asked you out?"

Alright, maybe you should have kept your mouth shut. However, you were too curious for your own good. Hyunjin looked at you curiously, but still answered.

"No. I told you I don't have the energy for that, and they only ask me out because of my looks. Not worth it." he explained as he dried the utensiles. "How about you?"

You scoffed. "Do you see me whoring around? I rather stay home and do nothing. Plus, Minho traumatized me."

"Was he that bad?" he snickered.

"Not really, but we fought a lot over stupid things." you sighed, nostalgia lingering. "I'm glad he found his person." There, one more person who had some action happening in the love department.

"Me too." he said in a yawn. "I think I'll head to bed. Do you need anything?"

"No, go ahead. I'll do the same eventually."

"Okay, but let me know if you need me. Good night, roomie." he grinned as he sent you a wink.

Damn you, Hwang Hyunjin. "Night." you replied in a murmur.

"What's up, Jeongin!" you exclaimed the moment you saw your neighbour in the laundry room. You took notice of the girl next to him. "I'm presuming you are Youngmi, right?"

The girl nodded shyly. "Y/N?" she guessed in a small voice.

"That's me." you smiled and took your usual spot. "I won't interrupt, I'll just load this and head back."

Jeongin inspected you scrupulously and snickered at you. "I swear I've seen Hyunjin wear this exact shirt the other day."

Already two months into living with the man, you formed a routine that worked for you both. Wednesday nights were the times where you would be watching a drama together and hang out in the other's room to simply chat. His way of living was oddly similar to yours which made things much easier. He was an horrible cook, but tried his best whenever it was his turn to make dinner. He showed you his art for second opinions and you made him read some of your favourite books. Once, you accidently wore his hoodie, but he assured you that he did not mind and that, in fact, you were prettier in his clothes. What you loved the most about living with him was forming this comfortable dynamic together. As you had predicted, you had it hard for the man.

"Yeah, it's the first thing I saw before coming here." you answered nonchalantly.

"Whatever, missy."

You loaded the machine and left quickly to give the couple a moment. Entering the flat, Hyunjin was laid down on the couch, frown on his face as he read his school book carefully. It was close to the end of the semester, meaning exams were coming up soon. Summer was also nearing, so you would be going back to your parents' home in a few weeks only.

"Your sculpture analysis?" you questioned him while shooing him to make space for you.

You sat down and he pulled his legs back on your lap, letting out a groan. "Yeah, I haven't even started to write it. He wants us to use the material we saw since the beginning of the course, but it's all painting aspects." he complained.

"Oof, I wish I could help."

He sent you a warm smile before looking back into his notes. "You're helping by listening to my venting."

"We're all struggling, it's nothing."

You grabbed the TV remote and put on a movie to pass time. For once, it wasn't a romcom, but a horror movie.

"Are you being for real?" he deadpanned at you.

"What?" you said innocently.

"You expect me to study while hearing screaming?"

"I lowered the volume."

"Y/N." he glared at you.

"Please, Jinnie! You've been studying all day, don't you want a break?" you pleaded.

"Not with an horror movie."

You held out the remote to him. "Fine, choose then!"

Still doubtful, he put his book aside and took the remote from you. Scrolling through the movies, he picked a drama movie he had made you watch during one of your Wednesday nights.

"This one, again?"

"I like it." he pouted.

"You cry to it."

"I don't."

With more bickering, you gave in and watched the movie together. Hyunjin had repositioned himself to see the screen better and, almost automatically, put his arm around you. He had done the same previously and it still made you feel so many things in your belly. Your body stiffened at the contact, but you eventually relaxed. Maybe too much, as you were now comfortably installed in his arms.

With the end nearing, you heard the man sniffle a couple of times. You loved how he wasn't ashamed of crying in front of you, which was the total opposite of most men who would rather preserve their pride. The credits rolling and Hyunjin tearing up, you detached himself from him, but he kept his grip on you firm. Turning his head to face you, you were a mere inch apart. You felt small, and your brain stopped working at how he was staring at you, his eyes glistening. You couldn't help but flicker your gaze from them to his lips, his full lips you always thought to be beautiful. The same ones you had wondered many times how they tasted. His breath hitched when you dared to get closer. He could feel yours getting warmer.

As your lips barely touched, you stopped yourself just in time. Your body was moving by itself and you could not allow yourself to mess up whatever you two had.

"I should go back to get our clothes." you whispered, not moving.

Hyunjin hummed, but did not budge either. Freaking out internally, you could not take this overwhelming feeling anymore. In a matter of seconds, you broke out from his embrace and left the apartment, your pace rapid as you went downstairs to the laundry room. Folding the pieces of clothing, you felt hot and confused. This was almost causing you a headache. You were filling the laundry basket slowly, afraid of what would happen when you get back to your place.

But everything comes to an end, eventually. Placing the last shirt on top of the others, you gathered the most of your courage to go back. When you walked in, the TV had been turned off and Hyunjin was nowhere to be found. You glanced at his room and sighed when you noticed the door closed with a dim light coming from inside. You placed his pile of clothes in front of his door and went to yours to go to sleep. Spoiler alert: you did not fall asleep that night.

Exam week was finally done. Miraculously, you had managed to study for each of them, making it fast for you to finish them. And by studying, I mean studying. You had barely gone out of your room and drowned yourself into your school books. As a result, you and Hyunjin had spoken to each other only a few times and if necessary. That arranged you, you had no intention in interacting with him since your intimate moment. You never brought it up again and neither did he. Luckily, being so busy with school, you didn't take the time to think about it much. Most importantly, you left out any details to anybody. Felix, especially, would be freaking out over this.

After reviewing your answers on your sheet, you happily left your desk to go give out your copy to the teacher. Dahye, who finished after you, gave hers as well and you met with Seungmin. He waited outside of the classroom and did not hesitate to give his newly girlfriend a kiss as a congratulations.

"Get a room." you said in disgust.

"Congratulations to you too, Y/n." Seungmin replied in a fake tone. "Chan's throwing a party tonight for the end of the semester. Are you coming?"

"Unfortunately, I'll have to pass." you smiled apologetically.

"Please! Even Jisung is coming." Dahye begged.

You huffed. "Because Hwayoung forced him to, probably. I'm sorry, maybe next year."

"You said this last semester. Please." she insisted again, in a softer tone.

"I'll see. I have to go home, for now. I'll text you."

Waving them goodbye, you went to your place to go take a well deserved shower. You crossed path with Jeongin in your hallway, who asked you if you would come to the party too. After telling him you won't be present, you went inside your apartment as you breathed out a long sigh, fatigue taking over. You didn't see Hyunjin anywhere, so you assumed he was still at school. You got yourself a new set of clothes and headed to your bathroom. The moment you came to open the door, it flung open by itself and you were stunned by the sight in front of you.

Hyunjin, in all his glory, was standing at the doorframe completely shirtless with a towel barely holding itself together around his waist. While his long wet golden locks were falling perfectly on his face, his toned six-pack was on full display for you. You could feel your face turning red as you stood still, unable to make any movement.

"Sorry." he said in a small voice as he bypassed you, going to hide into the comfort of his bedroom.

Still blushing, you finally actively moved to get into the shower. After freshening up and putting on a oversized t-shirt with a pair of shorts, you went to the kitchen to get a snack. Your roomie was at the dining table, now wearing something, and avoided your gaze. As for you, you were checking him out in an obvious way. His hair was still damped and he had put on a large white buttoned shirt and black pants. He completed his look with some chains and a few silver rings.

"You're going out?" you questioned.

"Yeah." he briefly answered, still avoiding you. "Chan's got this party for the end of the semester."

"I thought you didn't like partying."

"Yeah, well..." he trailed off. "My sister is going and she insisted for me to have fun for once."

Seemingly, you were going to be the only one not going to the said-party. Although you would rather stay in bed for the rest of the night, it shouldn't be that bad since your friends would be going. And maybe, just maybe, it would give you the courage to ask Hyunjin about the unspoken thing you two had going on.

"She's got a point." you teased. "Are you leaving soon?"

"Why? You want me out that bad?" he joked back, now looking at you. Seeing your poor reaction to his comment, he sighed. "In about 30 minutes."

"Alright, wait for me then." you said and headed back to your room.

You could not choose a decent outfit for the life of you. After already 10 minutes of debating, you called Dahye for some help. Being at Seungmin's place, Felix was there as well and joined the lot to help you out.

"Oh, that top is nice!" Felix commented.

"No, the dress is better." Dahye disagreed.

"What? Sure, but she'll look like a slut."

"Which is what we're going for. My girl hasn't had it in a while."

You rolled her eyes from hearing her judgement of your lack of intimacy. "I don't plan on getting 'it' tonight. I'll go with the top, then. Thanks, Lix! I'll see you later!"

You hung up before Dahye could make another comment about your outfit choice. Putting on a bit of makeup and finshing off with a pair of earrings, you took a better look at yourself with your mirror. Frankly, you were impressed on how you made yourself look this good. Satisfied, you picked up your purse and joined Hyunjin in the kitchen.

He was already standing next to the front door, ready to leave soon. As soon as he saw you, his jaw dropped on the floor. He had always thought you were pretty, but now you were drop dead gorgeous. Not taking his eyes off you, he took a step closer, now towering you. He smirked as he noticed the pink creeping on your cheeks.

"Dressing up to impress, I see." he cocked his head on the side.

"I could say the same about you."

He smirked while taking a step back. He grabbed his jacket and opened the door, letting you leave first.

"What a gentleman."

"That's the bare minimum, angel." he sent you one of his famous winks.

The man was going to kill you at some point, but you were not complaining. After not speaking to each other for weeks, his behaviour was overwhelming for you. As you walked to Chan's place, it being only a couple of blocks away, you shivered since you did not consider the weather to be an issue before leaving. Still having his coat in his arms, Hyunjin brought it onto your shoulders to give you an amount of warmth. Blushing again, you thanked him and he sent you a smile. Another shiver went through your body and, this time, Hyunjin flung his arm around your body, rubbing on your arm.

"You're so cringe." you laughed off.

"I read this in the book you recommended, I know you like it."

You didn't even argue back because he was damn right. You liked it, a lot. Standing in front of Chan and Changbin's place, you could already hear from the other side of the door that there was music playing and people chatting. Knocking on the door, you waited until Chan opened, beaming by seeing the both of you.

"Jin! You made it!" he hugged his friend. "Hey, I'm Chris." he now spoke to you. "I don't think we met properly. Make yourself home! I've got some pizza and drinks."

You bowed at his kind greeting and walked in to see many familiar faces. You easily spotted Dahye, who was leaning onto Seungmin while conversing with Felix and Hyunjoo. Noticing her brother was finally here, the latter raised her hand up, gesturing for the two of you to join them. She immediately hugged you tightly before doing the same with Hyunjin.

"I could've sworn you wouldn't come and stay at your place to watch cheesy ass movies together."

"That was the plan." you said in shame.

"I'm glad you came."

She moved closer to Felix as he took her in her arms, snuggling his nose into her hair. He had always been a touchy person, but the level of affection he gave her was something else. Whatever they had going on, it was definitely more than friendship. Felix had vented to you a few times how scared he was of confessing to her, but by the sight in front of you, you couldn't see why he was so scared.

The night was going pretty smoothly for you. You had refrained yourself from drinking, knowing you would regret it the next morning. The others were being surprisingly reasonable, no one was on the verge of throwing up and the discussions were still coherent. You did not participate much in them, though. You preferred observing the others interact. Chan and his friend, Sora, were fighting in the corner of the kitchen while Minho was observing them with dark eyes, jealousy plastered on his face. Hwayoung was making out with some man as Jisung was observing the scene, staying away from them as he drank his beer sadly. Jeongin and Youngmi were in their own little bubble, both painfully fond of the other. Changbin was attempting to diffuse some of the awkwardness by talking with students you didn't know at all, trying to hide the argument happening behind him.

Your friends stayed together and did not mix up with the rest, which made the party less eventful than you expected, well, for you since the others had issues to attend to. Noticing the boredom growing in you, Hyunjin nudged your arm. You leaned closer to him and he whispered in your ear.

"Wanna get out of here?"

"I was almost waiting for you to ask me, let's go."

Laughing at your demeanor, he followed you as you took his wrist and left the flat, not even saying bye to the host as he was busy with a conflict. Still giggling at your rude exit, you walked lazily next to Hyunjin as you headed back home.

"The sky is pretty." you hummed after you had calm down from your laughter.

"I painted a night sky recently. Oddly enough, it reminded me of you."

You frowned. "Me?"

"Yeah. I guess it's because we always hang out at night."

"I don't recall you painting anything of that sort."

"That's because we barely saw each other these days." he laughed, but became serious shortly after. "Well, after the other night."

Your heart started to pace faster. Despite how much you wanted to make things clear after what happened, you didn't want to bring it up just yet. You stayed quiet for the rest of the walk, until you reached the building.

"Are you going to bed right away?" he asked as you took the elevator.

"Probably not."

While shoving his hands down his pockets, he rocked his body back and forth, unsure of what to say next. He was dying to tell you how much he wished he had kissed you that night, and how much he wanted to do so right at this instant. Instead, uneasiness filled the metal box while it kept going up. The moment the door slid open, you hurried to get to your shared apartment, leaving it open for him to follow behind, and you wanted nothing more but to hide under your covers. On the other hand, Hyunjin had other plans. After catching up to you, he grabbed you by the arm to stop you, turning you around to face him.

"I'm not going to sleep either. I found a spot recently on the roof. Do you mind keeping me company?"

How could you say no to him when he looked at you as if you were a masterpiece? Hesitant, you nodded your head slowly and let him lead you to a staircase. Going up, you arrived to the roof where benches were installed as well as a few mattresses. Lights were making the place more cozy while a teapot was placed carefully on a small table.

"Wow." you breathed out, impressed. "Did the school do this?"

He rubbed his arm while you sat down on one of the chairs. "Actually, I did."

Your head shot to his direction, more stunned than before. "When?"

"Weeks ago. I wanted a spot to think and clear my mind. The teapot is mine, too. I was hoping to bring you here, eventually. I know how much you like tea, so..."

Your eyes softened as he explained his little set up. You observed his moves and he took the spot next to you. Timidly, he reached to your hand to take it in his and rubbed his thumb against your soft skin.

"Actually, I was hoping to talk to you about, well, you know."

You gulped, afraid of where this was going. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have been this close to you, and I didn't want things to get weird so I kind of avoided you on purpose. I'm truly sorry."

He huffed in response. "I don't want you to apologize. That night, I realized how much I grew to like you with time. You have no idea how much energy it took me to not kiss you."

You tilted your frame away from him as doubt and confusion filled your mind. "You wanted to kiss me..?"

He smiled at how clueless you were. "And I still want to, very much. I've been having perfect grades in my last assignments because every single piece was made just by the thought of you. I know it sounds creepy or something, but I really can't get you off my mind."

"It's not creepy." you smiled back. "It's kind of sweet."

He carefully brought himself closer to you. "Do you remember the first time I saw you last year? When I moved in?" You frowned, but nodded once the memory came back to you. "I don't know why, but you left an impression on me. I was so clumsy, but you laughed in a friendly way and helped me. And after you came to live with me, I was convinced I would spill out how much I like you."

You could not believe your ears. Hyunjin, the clumsy boy with the looks of a prince, had feelings for you. The same boy you had been crushing on for months, now.

"I like you too."

That was all it took for him to grin like a child. "Good." he simply said.

The same scenario happened again; him staring at your lips while you breathed uneasily from the proximity of his face to yours. This time, however, you did not back out and were the first one to crash your lips onto his. From the way he brought you closer by the waist, you could tell how long he had been waiting for this moment.

"God, you're perfect." he whispered to you in-between kisses.

You couldn't tell for how long you made out, but it ended undeniably too soon for your liking. You continued your unplanned sort of date by going over to the mattresses, cuddled up while stargazing. You complimented the sky, Hyunjin pointed out some aspects he could add to his painting. The subject drifted slowly to moments you had shared over time when Hyunjin thought you were the one for him. You took this as a chance to point out the times he made your heart stop from his gestures. Overall, it was perfect.

It was getting late and you were yawning loudly when Hyunjin said it was time to go to bed. Sadly, you left the roof to go back inside. Holding hands, you were walking towards your room and then stopped abruptly.

"Do you want to... um... sleep in my room with me? Like, actually sleep?" you suggested nervously.

"I won't do anything, I promise." he kissed your forehead.

You didn't take the time to change clothes since you were so tired, so you slept while still having your party outfits on. You didn't mind. What mattered was how Hyunjin's warmth made you feel at home, and how his sweet words of good night made you realize how damn lucky you were to have found him.

The morning came slowly. Not having school anymore, you didn't have to wake up early, but your body did anyway out of habit. You couldn't help the smile forming on your face when you heard a certain someone mumble in his sleep. You turned around to face him, taking in how he was still insanely handsome despite the fact he was sleeping hard. You let him rest for a bit, but you grew impatient at some point, so you poked his cheek to wake him up. He streched out his arm as he opened his eyes slowly, grinning the moment he saw you.

"Good morning, angel." he pecked your cheek, making you blush.

"Hey." you murmured. "I can make us some breakfast while you get ready, yeah?"

"Sounds perfect to me." he smiled, his eyes closing again.

You happily hopped out of your bed and went straight to the kitchen. Being the lazy ass you were, you were glad Hyunjin wasn't picky with his food and you settled for some toasts. When he walked to sit down at the table, he hummed as the smell reached his nostrils.

"You have no idea how many times I imagined this moment."

You laughed. "Sounds like you are obsessed with me."

"I might be." he shrugged while you placed his plate in front of him.

You kept on teasing each other as you ate your breakfast. Hyunjin was done before you, so he left to go to the bathroom to wash up, leaving you with the stained plates. After getting rid of the dishes, you joined him to get ready as well and came face to face with your toothbrush, all ready for you to use.

"I can do this myself, you know?" you couldn't help but giggle.

"I wanted to do it." he said unclearly, having his own toothbrush in his mouth.

You brushed your teeth together, with him tickling your sides from time to time. After washing your teeth, you took out your cream and started to apply it on your face. Hyunjin tried to get a kiss from you, but you denied, assuring him the taste of morning cream wasn't pleasing. Pouting, he started to brush his hair, still observing you in the mirror. Being bored, or cheesy (might be both), he fogged the mirror with his breath and drew a heart on it. You exploded in laughter at his gesture, but he proudly presented his drawing.

"You're so fucking adorable, stop it." you said, in awe.

"I know." he snickered. "Can I have my kiss now?"

Gladly, you grabbed him by the back of his neck and set a soft kiss on his mouth. Happily, he melted into you and deepened it. As you separated from each other, he kept you in his arms while staring right back into your eyes.

"Wait until I tell my sister about this."

You slapped his chest, rolling your eyes at his idiotic self. With the giggle it caused from him, you pressed another peck on his lips. This was just the beginning. You knew every morning with him was going to be as dream-like as this one, and you were more than content with the idea.

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[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I blocked/ghosted this guy I can't quit?

so I've(nb25) known this guy(m29) about 8 months, but we haven't seen each other that many times. maybe 10 total. It's just a friends with benefits situation but he's very generous, he's splurged on hotels in the city for us we didn't really need, expensive meals, he's also just given me pocket money straight up before. He will kind of do whatever I want, all I have to do is mention it and he will make it happen. i mention I wanna see the ocean at 9pm and he's driving us around to find a beach that's open. i mention a food im craving and he's already ordering it, etc. he's not rich either, he lives with his parents(I think it's more for cultural reasons than financial) but his job pays pretty well I guess. he talks about the money and I think he's trying to impress me but I know so little about money and still rely on my parents I don't even really have the context. he's constantly trying to impress me with stuff like that or how much he can bench press and i find it super off-putting and don't respond to it. He's been nothing but nice to me I think, but I think he's got issues and he can't really open up emotionally. I am very suspicious of how "nice" he is and I find his positivity to be really invalidating sometimes.

Recently I got mad at him for an insensitive comment, and while I was chewing him out he just smiled at me and kept saying "I like you". It really irked me and I felt like he wasn't taking me seriously, even after asking him why he was reacting that way he just elaborated saying he liked me because I stick up for myself ? I was upset so I kicked him out of my place, it was the middle of the night. He left with a smile on his face still. it creeped me out and I almost felt like he was gonna come back and kill me while I was home alone.

I know that I'm not into him. not just that but I actively think he's annoying, and his toxic positivity thing really gets on my nerves. Ive explained that to him and he still wants to hang out. every time were together, our dynamic gets worse. im not mean to him, but I don't hold back when I think he's making something up to sound cool/nice or being fake. he says he likes my honesty and often puts me on a pedestal for it, and im constantly having to take myself off the pedestal bc im just a human being, capable of lying and inauthenticity.

He knows I don't want a relationship and I don't think that's what he wants either? hes never asked. i know he's dating and looking for someone though. I don't even really know what he meant when he said he liked me.

Every time I see him, I end up feeling like I don't wanna see him again. I find him really annoying and end up feeling really alone with him. ive tried to break it off before which he respected but would still DM me on insta occasionally, and it's bad but eventually I just went back to him bc I liked the way he was nice to me and spent money on me. it's really pathetic but it makes me feel worthwhile? but I want to stop seeing him. and im thinking, he doesn't have my phone number and I could just block him on Instagram then Id be done with it. I think we're bad for each other and that I probably frustrate him more than he shows, I think he tried to make me jealous recently by talking about some "beautiful blonde girl" he slept with, who didn't have a "good heart" like me or something. it felt weird and negg-y. overall just really weird, bad vibes. Would I be the asshole if I just blocked him ? i have a feeling that the only other way this will stop for us is with something worse than that.

What are these acronyms?

[secretlythepits]

Yesterday a Rant, Today a Babble

Took my husband to the oncologist. He had taken a high dose of ibuprofen so he was feeling fine. It was awkward and not indicative of his pain symptoms, which we explained, but it was like taking your car to the mechanic and it not making that worrying sound. He poked around and looked at the scans my husband got this morning. The radiologist hasn’t made a report yet and the oncologist said he can only read tumors. He didn’t see a new mass in that area and did measure one mass and saw that it had shrunk some. That’s good news, but not an answer. It could be a fractured rib or a pulmonary embolism. Those were his guesses and the radiologist will be able to detect them if that’s the case.

My husband is adamant that there is absolutely no psychological aspect to his pain. Cue eye roll. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a physiological cause, but focusing on pain makes it worse. Stress can manifest as pain in the body. He rejects those ideas. My eyes have rolled all the way to the Arctic circle.

In the appointment it unfolds that he did not take his ibuprofen with him yesterday so when he came stumbling home from work in agony, requiring a special meal and attention, he hadn’t taken painkillers in hours. This morning I told him to take the pills with him always. Guess who came home from work in pain again? It’s very frustrating because he sounds an emergency alarm but ignores common sense measures. I wasted my day accompanying him to a needless appointment. He missed half a day of work and we need his PTO desperately.

He had implied that his pain was overwhelming while medicated which is very different than pain that can be managed with ibuprofen. Also, I 100% don’t dismiss physical manifestations of distress. We all do this and sometimes we just need people to baby us when we are stressed and afraid. I would be fine being by his side for that. But it’s very irritating that he won’t acknowledge any truth in that— that is why the day feels like a waste. He is so closed off to understanding anything about what’s going on inside of himself, but he expects me to have the answers always.

Next week is treatment and that will carry into the following week too, so why all this fuss the first days the kids went to school? Why couldn’t it just be about them? Why couldn’t I enjoy a couple hours in the house alone after the nonstop togetherness of homeschooling, summer, and travel?

Maybe something will show on the scans, but even then, the scans were already scheduled and always take a few days to be analyzed. Whatever. I have learned my lesson from this: my life might turn on a dime and I must stay focused and get prepared for it. It’s up to my husband to learn his own lessons. Or not.

Did I ever tell you my theory about death?

I’ve been mulling this over for the past 7 years, reflecting on the deaths of various loved ones. In that time I have lost a parent, 2 friends, an uncle, an aunt, and a cousin. This idea came to me and I have just sat with it and watched life unfold. Here it is:

We die when one of two things happens:

We accomplish what we came to this lifetime to do. We master the lesson we came to learn.

Or

We get as close as we are going to get to accomplishing it. We reach a point of stagnation in our spiritual growth.

This has been true (in my estimation) of my beloveds who have passed. Some had reached a point of beauty in the way that they lived so that it felt like their everyday life was the poetry of human existence. They embodied their true selves, they lived mostly in the present moment, they served others with bottomless compassion. The other people had wonderful qualities and moments, but were ultimately locked into an endless cycle of self-sabotage in one way or another. They grew, learned, and loved. They were good people, but over the years, they reached a point where they couldn’t break through to the next level. It’s like their evolution was permanently stunted in this life.

In both instances it feels like they took their spiritual growth as far as they could go on earth and then it was time to move on so their lives here ended.

I wonder about my husband.

I wonder about myself.

How much time do we need to grow here on the blue marble? What lessons need to be mastered? Or, where is the stopping point when we run out of chances because we are stuck on repeat?

I’ll tell you what: I’m not interested in the afterlife at all today. Not a bit. I have in the past and probably will in the future, but right now the idea of more life just feels

exhausting.

Don’t get me wrong, I want this life—and that’s a novel sensation for me—but it feels like it’s going to take everything I’ve got to get through it. Even if later is just a party, you know that feeling: when the week was so busy and then the party you’ve been looking forward to comes and you’re just so tired that you want to go to sleep in your pretty dress.

I’d happily dream Heaven away right now if I could.

But if it’s reincarnation next, oh me, oh my, please let me be a tree. The scurrying life of an animal is not for me.

To stay grounded while reaching for light, to send a tap root down to the Source—well, I guess I’d be up for that.

Sitting in silence in a forest with my thoughts.

That would be nice after this adventure ends

wherever and whenever

that may be.

[sunwarmed-ash]

Thank You For Your Patience!! (Sinful Sunday Post)

As a thank you for being patient and sweet while I sorted my life out, I'm gonna post 4 lil Sinful Sunday snippets today! These will NOT be posted to ao3 until their debut! Get em while they're hot

Part 2: Love bites but so do I- Jacob x Bella x Edward

Chapter 6 Preview: 👀

For about one week, everything between the three of them is great. Like literally everything. Now that their rivalry has fizzled out, school, life, all ran smoother. The sex wasn’t half bad either. Even if it was limited to times when they could stay at Edward’s. 

In addition, the newest civility between the two boys helps get Charlie off their backs faster than anyone expected. He still hovered the usual parental amount, made sure both boys left right at curfew, and implemented a ‘under no circumstances were they allowed in Bella’s room,’ rule but overall the newest ‘alliance’ had vanished a lot of uncomfortable anxieties for all parties. 

Bella can't even begin to explain how much better it’s been making her feel. 

She’s on her way to get lunch with Jake when Charlie catches her attention.

“So, how long were you gonna wait until you told me you were dating both of them?”

Bella isn't sure if her face blushes, or loses its color when she turns to face her father. Her voice doesn't do her any favors either, cracking as she stuttered out an unconvincing, 

“Wh-what?”

“Come on Bells,” he rolls his eyes playfully, “I'm old but I’m not an idiot.”

“No, of course you're not,” she agrees, trying to decide just how honest she should be.

“So? How long?”

“Honestly, I- didn't know if it was going to work out myself.” It certainly wasn’t an option they would have even considered three years ago. 

“Has it,” Charlie presses and she can tell its intentions are genuine.

“So far, surprisingly well, yeah.”

“And they’re, you know, good to you?”

“Yeah dad,” She smiles, subconsciously reaching for the bracelet on her wrist. “They really are.”

“You told your mom yet?”

“God no,” Bella laughs, shaking her head. 

“Yeah,” Charlie smirks over the lip of his mug, “probably a good call.”

It’s quiet the way it’s always quiet right before Charlie is about to launch into an uncomfortable lecture. Bella internally braces herself. 

“Okay I feel like we really should have The Talk now.”

“NOPE,” She says, fighting the urge to cover her ears and run out of the room. “No, trust me, we really, really don’t need to!”

“I know Billy would probably be happy as a clam to be a grandfather but I tell ya Bella, I’m not ready-”

“GOT IT! THANK YOU CHARLIE, Bella shouts, her hands planted firmly over her ears now. “I’M LEAVING! NOW!” 

---

They are back over at Edward’s house. The Cullen’s are out again on a hunt. All minus Edward who went yesterday so he could be available for Date Night tonight. They are supposed to go see the new Leo Dicaprio movie. She’s more than a little excited for it.

At least she was, until they opened the door to a very anxious looking Jacob Black. 

“Hey, are you alright,” Bella asks first. 

Jacob fights with everything in him not to scoff angrily at her. He’s practically vibrating out of his skin he’s so worked up. He pushes aggressively past their bodies into the house and towards the ktichen. He’s fucking starving. Which is frustrating because he just ate twenty minutes ago. He shouldn’t be hungry again. 

“Why do you smell different?”

Edward is the first to notice the change in atmosphere. Which he should have guessed. Enhanced senses and whatever. He should feel relieved he noticed, but compouding with the hunger pains, unusual body aches, and fever he’s fighting, he’s not in the mood. He continues his trajectory toward the fridge. Pointedly trying not to accidentally think the answer. 

“Oh…” Edward exhales.

Well, guess he fucked that. Jake slams the door of Edward’s empty fridge hard. 

“Why do you even have a fridge!” 

“Hey! Jacob,” Bella scolds, though her face screams worry.  

“If you need help-” Edward starts to offer. Jake cuts him off. 

“Get the fuck out of my head!”  

“It doesn't work like that, and you know it,” Edward points out. 

“Guys,” Bella sighs. 

“Doesn't mean you get free reign to act on information that wasn't consciously given!” 

“GUYS!”

“But, I don’t understand,” Edward continued anyway, “I thought- Bella said you turned down the chance to be Alpha?”

“Yeah, well, evidently, my body didn't get the memo…” Jacob snarls.  

“Do you have someone to help you take care of it,” Edward asks. 

“What do you think?”

“Will someone PLEASE tell me what the hell is going on,” Bella demands.

“It's- complicated,” Edward answers for Jacob. The werewolf sends him a scathing look for his trouble.  

“And personal and none of your fucking business!”

“Jacob,” Bella pleads. 

“Sam? Leah? Emily,” Edward offers, pushing past the man’s attitude for the true issue at hand. 

“Yeah right,” Jacob scoffs hatefully. “They can't stand to be in the same room with me!”

“Little judgemental of them isn't it? Doesn’t it happen to them too?”

“Doesn’t what happen,” Bella asks again but the boys continue to ignore her. 

“Not- because of that. Because of…us,” Jacob finally admits, motioning between the three of them. 

Edward’s eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. 

“But I thought Sam said-”

“Guess he changed his mind.”

Edward’s teeth clench hard and Bella’s worry only compounds until she bursts. 

“Okay, is ANYONE going to fill me in now? I’d REALLY appreciate it!”

“Our families,” Edward sighs before a deprecating laugh bursts through his mask of real pain. “don’t approve of our relationship.”

“Oh. Well,” Bella says gently, moving closer to Jake to intertwine their fingers, “we didn't really think they would, right? I mean, Charlie was honestly a huge surprise.” 

Jake laughs, but its as bitter as Edward’s just a moment ago. 

“Enough that I’m unwelcome back on the reservation.” 

“WHAT? Jake, I-” Bella starts to apologize but Edward is pivoting past one trauma to continue the line of questioning from before. 

“What happens to you, if you don't get what you need?”

“...I don't know,” Jake admits, hands starting to tremble, “No one will tell me anything about it!”

“Hey, we're here,” Bella offers, pushing into Jake’s chest for a hug. 

“No,” he shouts before jumping away. “I-I have to go. I can't-, I don't know what’s going to happen to me. What I'm going to turn into. I can't hurt you. Either of you.” 

“You won’t hurt me,” Edward reassures.

“You don't know that!”

Edward shrugs. 

“On your best days you can’t outfight me.”

Jacob scoffs irritably. 

“I knew coming here was a mistake.”

“Jake, please,” Bella begs, her own tears lining her eyes because she doesn’t understand what's going on, why he's pushing her away. Them away. “Let us help you!” 

“You can’t,” Jake dismisses dejectedly, “Not with this.”

ao3 kofi insta

Read the other 3 here!

[loumauve]

work colleague (the one who I'm working on a project with, who was supposed to be showing me the ropes - which she already barely did - who is supposed to be a superior while our boss is on parental leave) told me that I need to join the team leader meeting next week "so things dont escalate again" bc apparently her temper got the best of her (she told me this herself btw, which.. jfc)

and I feel SO uncomfortable at even the idea of that thats I've been feeling sick to my stomach over it since Friday. I'm still an intern ffs, I don't get paid to do her job, which is to explain what we're doing and to explain why we're doing it. I didn't decide on making this a whole thing, and I certainly didn't sign up to take her place while she throws me to the wolves (clinic admins who are pissed that change is being introduced to how they've been running things for years)

I know I need to address it, and at least tell my boss, I feel like shit reaching out to him while he's supposed to be on leave, but if I don't push back and give in now when there's also so many other ways she's been dodging her responsibilities then idk.

she barely communicates which is the basis for working with anybody, and even when *I* reach out she barely ever replies and leaves me hanging, unable to progress in certain tasks just bc I *literally* don't know shit yet bc I've been working there for a total of two and a half months max. just.. boss guy would be happy for me to stay on but honestly that lady has as bad a temper and worse social skills than the lady who made my last job hell enough that I was out of commission for almost three years, first on sick leave and then in various rehab/therapy programs just to make it back to being able to work again.. I really don't want to go down this road again

so I guess I do need to write this all down tomorrow in a message to him and hopefully he'll at least acknowledge that this is a shit situation to put me in and have a talk with her. but idk tbh. not sure what to do if he asks me to still join that group meeting on Friday, also terrified of her reaction if he does bring it up with her, ngl

last time she got "upset" she didn't talk to me for a whole day, didn't reply to my message before I left for 5 weeks and then still didn't leave a single message to explain where to continue in our project before being gone herself for another 2 and a half weeks.. that kind of childish pettiness idk. really don't want to have to keep dealing with her

lazy colleagues idk sure it's frustrating cleaning up after them, but this kind of behaviour is as close to intolerable as things get before I need to get myself the fuck away for good

[my-castles-crumbling]

hiya cas! i hope youre well 😊

so, i have some medical issues (nothing serious!! probably - im still waiting for a proper diagnosis but ive had a few appointments and tests etc and have been assured its nothing to be concerned about) and so i obviously have to go to hospital appointments sometimes for the aforementioned tests and discussions. it was scary at first (i hadnt been in a hospital since the day i was born up until this point, and i was 18 when i had my first of these appointments) but its easier now, but im still a little stressed

im not technically estranged from my family - i still live at home with both parents, and we're on decent enough terms - but we dont really have any sort of important conversations. or any personal conversations either. so i guess we're just not really close? idk. anyway, this has meant i have absolutely no idea what any of my family medical history is. i had to find out through my older sister that my father was diagnosed with diabetes four years ago (and she only found out because she worked at the pharmacy where he got his stuff from), and my eldest brother was the one who told me my grandparents' causes of death (they died before my birth and my parents never mention them), but they dont know any more than that either

this hasnt been an issue for me before, because obviously ive never needed to know. ive never been asked about it, but now that my own health isnt right, i kinda need to know. in my first appointment i got asked about it, but i told the doctor i didnt know and would ask at home

i did ask, to be fair. i spoke to my mother and explained why i needed to know but she just kind of... brushed it off? idk if thats the right way to phrase it. she said there was some vague thing about heart issues but she didnt say anything specifically, or which side of the family it came from, or anything all thay helpful at all

its so frustrating because im not the first of their kids to need this information. my sister has medical problems too (different issues than mine though) and our parents were no help with her either

i spoke to a friend about it last autumn when i first went to hospital and he looked at me so oddly, it made me feel so broken, i guess. apparently discussing medical history isnt a taboo subject in most households, because he knew all of his and he's never been to hospital for anything. but the way he looked at me like i was weird or something for not knowing was awful. again, it made me feel genuinely broken and damaged. it was kind of one of those moments where you realise 'oh, my family isnt normal' and it sucked, because i thought id had that realisation years ago

its happened with some other stuff too (i.e. telling parents about a relationship, friends, interests, spending time with family etc) and it just... it really sucks. i dont know what else there is to say than that ig lol

i was going somewhere with this ask, but ive kinda gotten off track and now i cant remember, soooo.... have a good day! thanks for reading my ramble 🥰

Hi hon!

I’m so sorry, whose moments of realization suck, truly. Please know that you did nothing wrong <3 

Because this is a health thing, I do have some advice for you (ignore me if you want!) There are forms on the internet that have questions about family history. Print one out and just give it to your mom and dad. Don’t give them room to question it. Say your doctor needs it, and you need them to fill it out.

I wonder, though, if your parents don’t share their history with you, they might not know their parents history. A lot of times, these kinds of things that happen in families are passed down. 

But yeah. Just give them a form and make it a health thing. You deserve that info. 

Again, please know that you are NOT broken, and it has nothing to do with you <3

(naming you medical anon)