#when woman treats man like men treat women

[atthebell]

and that's not even getting into the race angle of it all-- the idea that men of color are more sexually aggressive is SO pervasive that people cannot even fathom why it's an issue to always automatically assume a man of color will be the top in a relationship with a white man. it's particularly pervasive with black and latino men and it's so obviously racist and yet people do not seem to understand when they themselves are perpetuating it. and i'll add that for asian men specifically it's often the opposite; asian men are frequently emasculated and viewed as the inherent bottoms in relationships with non-asian men.

i also want to point out that wlw relationships are not exempt from any of these dynamics either. frequently people decide on one woman in a relationship being the top or the domme (which i will point out very strongly are NOT the same thing, but are often conflated, particularly in fandom spaces) entirely based on arbitrary traits that follow with their own cultural assumptions. women of color are seen as inherently less feminine, inherently more sexually aggressive, and therefore nearly always viewed as tops. asian women are treated like inherently submissive objects rather than their own people, and are often depicted as the demure bottoms in wlw relationships with non-asian women.

in both regards, and obviously including the various ways that nonbinary and genderqueer people are affected by all of these dynamics, people of color, as the exoticized other to white, western fans, are viewed as having strict, unchangeable roles in sexual dynamics which further other racial stereotypes and erase the actual varied experiences and relationships between people. all of these dynamics cement cultural assumptions within fandom spaces. and it's just really fucking obvious how pervasive gender essentialism and racism are in fandom when i see people talk about ships with such stringent roles and dynamics, without any nuance or acknowledgement of the kinds of mentalities being replicated.

i'm so tired of the yaoi-ification of mlm ships where people feel the need to make one of them (usually the fandom-assigned bottom) into a teeny tiny waifish twink and the other into a huge musclebound super aggro guy (usually the fandom-assigned top) i know this is like a thing many people have been saying for years but i just feel like it has never actually gotten better in fandom spaces. the fatphobia of it, the gender essentialism, the homophobia, it's all so fucking annoying it makes me want to scream

[transfemme-shelterdog]

One of Many Experiences with Transandrophobia (TW: Medical Trauma):

Went to a Planned Parenthood clinic because I was told it was a 'safe' place for trans people to access care. At the time it was the ONLY place in my town and within 75 miles that trans people could access care.

Had an appointment for a pap smear, which PP said I HAD to have done before I could get an HRT appointment. Had been assured that the clinic was very up to date on working with trans clients. Had been very clear about my gender identity and my overall discomfort with having a pap smear done due to previous sexual trauma.

Appointment started off normal, until it suddenly wasn't. The OBGYN decided it was the perfect time while she was poking around and up in my body to start talking about how "beautiful the female reproductive system is", and starts talking, in vivid detail, about how my genitalia looked, and how healthy it was, and how it would be such a shame for me to ruin it with transition, and how atrophy would make sex painful for me, and how I wouldn't be able to have children if I did the unthinkable and got a hysterotomy.

It was so incredibly triggering, and I was frozen for the rest of the appointment because I felt incapable to doing anything since I was up in the stirrups and in a vulnerable position. This woman knew I had trauma she still fucking pulled that shit on me. To this day, I still feel like she did what she did to me because of my trauma - like she thought doing this would be a sure fire way to get me to not want to transition.

I tried lodging complains about the experience about a week after that happened, but the complaints went nowhere. I was told I must have "misunderstood" what I'd been told, and MAYBE it was because of my previous sexual trauma, or MORE LIKELY I'd been dysphoric during the appointment so I clearly must be remembering in wrong! And after getting gaslit about it so hard, I've never had an exam since. I'd honestly rather get surprise cancer and have that take me than ever experience something so gross and demeaning again.

To add insult to injury: When I tried talking about the experience at the local trans support group (where it was totally normal to talk about discrimination members experienced) I got shut down because the group was 6 trans women to 2 trans men on that particular day and they had a vote on if I could talk about it, and the vote ended up 6 against 2. I was told that as a man, it wasn't okay to talk about that particular type of medical trauma, because only the women in the room were allowed to talk about medical trauma around their genitalia.

I ended up dropping out of that 'support' group because it was clear there was no actual support available for trans men in attendance - we were expected to be good listeners and to support the trans women in attendance unconditionally, but not to talk about our personal lived experiences if they were negative - we could only talk about the happy, twee things! So validating! /s

I also came to find out later that the PP location I went to predominately worked with trans women - MTF HRT was made available about 5 years before they started selectively doing FTM HRT (that's a whole other story) - and after comparing notes with a few other guys, came to realize the handful of us trans men that went there were treated like freaks.

I would like to think that time passing would have made it possible to talk about this, as it happened to me in 2017, but over the years when I've attempted to discuss issues trans men have accessing medical care and the trauma we can experience trying to do so, and use this example as shit I've experienced that should never happen, I STILL get shut down.

I've been made fun of, told "that didn't actually happen", or my transness and/or my identity as man gets questioned/belittled/turned into a joke by both trans and cis women. I had one lesbian (a former friend now for fucking good reason) joke that "maybe she (the OGBYN) thought you were a lesbian and was trying to hit on you!"

Same thing has happened when attempting to talk about sexual assault and intimate partner violence - talking about/admitting to having that experience has gotten pointed to as me being a "man trying to talk over women's experiences", or as a "sign" I'm not ACTUALLY a man, because those things don't happen to men.

So when people say that trans men don't need a term to talk about the kinds of shit we deal with that is unique to our identities and experiences, and they mock us for using the term "transandrophobia"?

I want to spit bullets.

(Cue the haters saying I'm a monster and 'dangerous violent man' for saying so.)

.

[thankstothe]

[bumblingbabooshka]

Thinking about marriage/women's rights on Vulcan Some may think that T'Pring not being allowed to divorce Spock was because he was going through the pon farr but if she were allowed to divorce him at all she probably would have done that a long time ago, confirmed by T'Pol when she's speaking with Koss, who isn't suffering from the pon farr. She says that he can choose another mate (without invoking a fight it seems: note the difference between a 'mate' and a 'challenger') and after he makes it clear that nothing she says will change his mind about marrying her, she finally threatens to declare a kal-if-fee. It's clear that Vulcan women cannot divorce/refuse to marry a man they've been betrothed to under any circumstances if A) He himself doesn't consent to ending their marriage or B) She doesn't have someone else waiting in the wings to be given to in his stead. Though, if the challenger she selects fails to win the fight, she'll have to marry her betrothed anyway unless (again) he decides he doesn't want her after the challenge. That seems like an incredibly unfair system, heavily biased towards men. SNW is an alternate universe in many obvious respects but most egregiously in that T'Pring has a lot of non-canonical agency over her relationship with Spock. It's interesting to me that Vulcan society has women in many positions of power and treats women as equal to men from what I've seen despite these laws. We don't really see Vulcans exhibiting a misogynistic attitude towards women in general but in TOS (perhaps because of its general writing style but it's still interesting to note) both Sarek and Spock take on patriarchal attitudes specifically regarding wives. Amanda says that 'of course' Sarek commands her because "he is a Vulcan and I am his wife." It's worthwhile in my eyes to note that she specifies 'wife' instead of attributing this attitude to women as a whole. Again, with TOS' writing style it wouldn't be out of place for her to say "he is a man and I am a woman." Spock, while in a pon farr induced irritation, states that it's "undignified for a woman to play servant to a man that isn't hers" - again implying that there's something specific about being a Wife in Vulcan society which is different from being a woman in general and demands subservience to a husband. This could perhaps stem from the extreme sense of ownership that Vulcan law has permitted men to have over women. A woman legally cannot point blank refuse marriage. There is no option which guarantees she won't have to marry her betrothed other than death. When T'Pau speaks of T'Pring she refers to her as being 'property' and Stonn, before being interrupted, states he's made 'the ancient claim' - we don't know what this is because he gets cut off but it's obvious they're both using the language of Vulcan law. Men are permitted true freedom to choose. If a woman wants to choose someone else to be with there is no option available to her other than the kal-if-fee which might result in the death of the one she wants to be with. And, if her lover fails, her husband can still just decide he wants to marry her and she'll be forced to. T'Pring gives two scenarios: One where Spock 'frees' her and one where he doesn't - it's still ultimately his decision which is clear when he ends the conversation with "Stonn, she is yours." This again isn't just because of the pon farr as T'Pol also goes through this. Koss can choose another mate and when the option is talked about there's no implication that this would result in any sort of fight (both by the casualness of its mention and by the fact that there's no formal word for it unlike the kal-if-fee.) Also, the fact that Koss does eventually grant T'Pol a divorce and it's all fine means that T'Pol isn't lawfully required to have another man waiting if her HUSBAND doesn't want her. It's ONLY required if SHE doesn't want her husband. Tradition must take precedence over individual desire UNLESS!!! You're a man. Then it's fine. Like, your parents might not be happy but legally you're golden.

[sailing-ever-west]

don't join reddit you'll find yourself trying to explain things to men online and before you know it you'll suddenly understand sisyphus

[good-to-drive]

I think we should stop saying Paul was basically a woman and start saying Ringo was basically a woman, not because it's any less stupid but because it's exactly as stupid and much much funnier

[thedreadvampy]

unwarranted Cis Opinion but I'm getting really uncomfortable w people responding to bathroom bills by posting pictures of trans men like DO YOU WANT THEM IN WOMEN'S BATHROOMS

bc like. no they're men. they should be in men's bathrooms unless that feels unsafe. but. it really feels like it's not helpful to lean into the idea that seeing someone presenting masc or being read as a man in a women's bathroom means You're In Danger.

like I know several butch women and NB ppl who are really scared around being on T or getting top surgery bc they're not men and they don't want to be in the men's bathroom, and in that circumstance stuff like growing facial hair or reading more androgynously can be really fucking scary when people are being primed by propaganda to be on edge and hyperreactive to anyone who doesn't look like their idea of a Cis Woman.

and I'm not laying that at the feet of the people saying "hey uhhhh trans men are men and don't belong in women's bathrooms" bc it is not their fault. it's the fault of a concerted effort to make it difficult and dangerous to be trans or substantively gender nonconforming in public.

but at the same time idk I guess it just worries me cause sometimes it feels like "you fools! you are worried about this group of trans people bc you think they're the Lurking Danger of Men In Bathrooms? WRONG! the Men Making You Feel Afraid In Bathrooms are actually THESE trans people!" when in fact neither of those groups using the fucking bathroom is a problem. just piss and mind your business. people need to go where they need to go.

anyway this country is a hot fucking trash fire that somehow accelerates its descent into open fascism more every day so it's all super good and normal. so don't take this too seriously tbh cause it's somewhere near #2535654476457899009765 on the list of priorities for Queer Discourse right now when the fucking human rights commission is actively rescinding protections from trans people. Please ignore my gibberish.

[butch-bakugo]

Its not a shock to me that most "transandrophobia doesn't exist" people are trans women, mostly white trans women. They have a very specific image of what a trans man looks like and it's only two categories: the hyper fem, tits out, make up, twink trans man who doesn't pass nor try to and the hyper masculine, bearded, t'd up, all the surgeries, big buff trans man who you could never clock. They genuinely think every "transandrophobia truther" is lieing about not getting privileges they don't fucking have.

They genuinely believe every trans man passes and therefore we get male privilege and they get backed up by trans men who do pass and think a cis man making rape jokes with them and asking about their lift set is male privilege. Lemme shatter the illusion because as much as you like to scream about some wide spread privilege that doesn't exist, most trans people, in general, do not pass. This is especially true for trans men due to the hyperfocus society puts on feminine features. I have never met a fully passing trans man and I've met over a hundred personally irl. never. I know they exist but the fact y'all think we, en masse, get male privilege is factually just fucking wrong.

Trans men are not more acceptable or palatable to transphobes. Trans men are not more likely to pass. Trans men in mass do not get male privilege by virtue of our lack of passing and our medical history. Most trans men are still affected by the gender pay gap and thus can not afford surgeries.

You do not acknowledge the existence of non-passing trans men, only uphold the voices of trans men who pass and have the money for surgeries (a small percentage) then wonder why trans men laugh in your face when you make claims about male privilege we do not experience.

We are more likely to be conversionally raped than you. We are more like to be forcibly detransioned than you. We are more likely to experience domestic violence than you. We are more likely to experience hate crimes than you.

Trans men's hyper visibility in online spaces dose not transfer to real life visibility. You are more likely to see white cis gay men and white trans women in any media or ever mentioned than even white cis lesbians or white trans men. Your rhetoric is the origin of the "theyfab" myth. Our issues are invisible to you cause you do not care about other trans people besides yourself and other transfems. Everyone and their trans mother knows about transmysogny and the issues you personally face yet you expect trans men to be silent about their issues and feel like they should be silent because they are men. Trans men are more likely to experience litterally all forms of violence over trans women in every single avenue of violence that exists; religious, sexual, domestic, familial, etc. We are more likely to be stopped and abused before we socially transtion than anyone else due to hyper vigilance of society over afabs. You can scream all you'd like about how we only bring up our sex/the gender we are often raised as when it's convenient but you always ignore those often traumatizing experiences when it's convenient for you.

Many Transmascs and trans men had a traumatizing upbringing because society views us as "bad women" and " bad women" get treated so much worse and by many more angles than "bad men" specifically because we were forcibly assigned as women. You take advantage of a lack of nuance in the community by trying to group us with cis men specifically because you group yourself with cis women. News flash, neither of us and our experiences should be grouped with ANY cis group because we do not have cisgendered experiences.

I seriously think you think you are the most oppressed group in the trans community and you are not, not by a long shot. You are not the most oppressed group in the transgender community and that's a statistical fact. The most oppressed group, by far, are two spirits and cultural genders by virtue of them being inherently indigenous and indigenous people being the most oppressed race of people in the community regardless of the location they are indigenous to.

You are literally taking advantage of the things that were drilled into transmascs at a young age to be seen and not heard and to be quiet and let others talk, that they are lesser than everyone. Everyday there's a new story in the community of a cis man or a trans woman getting a trans man/masc pregnant to hurt them or force them off t or to detransion, this is not a fucking accident. You are not men, no one ever said you were, but you sure love to silence them like they do.

I'm not quiet, you do not intimately know our issues the same way we do not intimately know yours, You don't get to tell us what we do and don't experience and the fact you'd rather cry wolf and suspiciously call us "bitches" than hear us out, tells me everything i need to know. That alt right to trans woman pipeline you said you escaped? Yeah, you didn't. Ur just an alt right trans woman, Try Again.

[novella-november]

Is this fanfic friendly? I feel like an outlier.

I guess this is my sign it's time to throw together a FAQ post to link to lol.

Yes, every event for this blog is fanfic friendly :D

Though as I mentioned on my Ominous October post, for events that include multiple short stories, I encourage everyone to flex their creativity and take one of their planned short story fanfics, and at least *attempt* to turn one of them into something entirely original; rebuilding a character and story from the ground up to stand on its own two legs is no easy feat, and that is what makes it so fun!

It really gets your creative gears turning, to make an "au of an existing material" to be something entirely original, and you can be pleasantly surprised about the things you come up with!

As a few people say, its not just a matter of "filing the serial numbers off" -- you have to add in just as much *or more* as what you take out when you are turning a fanfiction into something that is original and completely divorced from its original source material / inspiration, and that is a hard, but very rewarding challenge!

Obviously, this is not a requirement (there's no hard requirements for any of the challenges, other than no cheating, including no using AI),

but if you would like an extra challenge for the short story events and you're planning on doing entirely fan-fiction, I highly recommend trying it out at least once, and seeing where it leads you--

you may find yourself pleasantly surprised by what you find down that rabbit hole!

[pwurrz]

of course terfs would get mad at a post reminding them that there’s more to being a woman than misery and suffering: they’re misogynists. they hate women. their misogyny is just the ‘woke’ kind where they re-enforce the idea that women are weaker and stupider and generally less capable compared to men but like, in a ‘feminist’ way 🤪💅

when you hate women and genuinely believe they are inferior, that they are lesser, it’s impossible to see that there’s any joy or pride or anything positive about being a woman. especially if you yourself are a woman who believes in this kind of self-deprecating mindset.

[loveguts]

i’m not a transandrophobia truther in the slightest don’t get me wrong, but i think some people on here really need to realize and comprehend the fact that cis women, way WAY more often than not, hold extremely significant social and political power over trans men the vast majority of the time in our day to day lives

[hana-no-seiiki]

??!?!??

I’m this 👌🏽 close to losing it

so fucken close 💀

[youmakethelight]

you know what, it's funny to me that genet would make david zabel eat his bullshit off the floor for calling genet "a simple woman"

[trans-yllz]

I think we gotta start recognizing that "things accepted online/in leftist spaces" and "things accepted by the general public in the real world" are two very different things. like no actually gnc men are Not suddenly seen as okay because there are drag queens on tiktok. men are still beaten and harassed and ostracized and Killed for being feminine. in the us. in my very liberal city full of ppl with blue hair and pronouns I am made to feel uncomfortable and unwelcome for being a gnc guy. the tiktok comments on videos of men wearing make up are not indicative of the beliefs of most people

[area51-escapee]

I guess that what I wish people understood is that “trans men often spent years being perceived as, treated as, and possibly even identifying as women” and “trans men are not just women who happen to look like men” are both very true statements

[countingprimes]

sometimes i see queer people make low hanging anti straight jokes, and they'll often pre-defend themselves by saying straight people don't need defending as if the queer community isn't populated by tons of straight people, straight trans people, straight ace people, straight poly people. queerness doesnt exclude exclusively opposite sex attracted people and it bothers me to see these jokes and their subsequent defenses because normative society certainly rejects these folks because of their queerness and now you are inside the queer community rejecting them for who they desire. i think about straight trans folks the most who are out here under fire from normative society who turn to the queer community for support only to be inundated with sentiments like straight people are actually the real lesser than folks, and it's easy enough to say straightness is valorized in normative society so shitting on straight people is punching up, but i can't help but be keenly aware that the queer straight people tend to be queer in the ways which are often excluded from queer community. so actually yeah i do think straight people need our protection, not heteronormative culture, but individual people? yeah. the "coming out as straight" jokes are all haha good times fuck the straights until you think about the fact that straight trans people when they come out are functionally doing that. after all how many straight trans people used to think they were cis gay people. and we, inside the queer community, turn their experiences into a mean spirited punch line designed to reject them from queer community.

like sorry i just don't think we are gonna find queer liberation by trying to figure out which group we are allowed to make fun of for having the wrong sexuality.