#when will things get better?
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#self portrait#new suit goofin#conflicted#when will things get better?#this ass looks better#lol its just the angle
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#personal vent#i feel so sick#i fucking hate this i just wanted to have an okay night#but my body wont stop consistently doing something to hurt me/make me feel sick#and my brain hasnt been able to shut the fuck up lately#its getting so bad i can barely even talk to anyone anymore#including loved ones#the feelings are just coming back again and again and again#and nothing will ever make them go away. i can try to forget all i want#im gonna remember eventually. and its always gonna hurt like a bitch#i just want everything to stop i want to stop#im so sick of feeling eternally guilty. forever terrified of simply existing#i'm almost goddamn 26 .. when will i actually want to live#when will things get better?#i genuinely have no hope for my future anymore. i just cant see a way out
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Once again, I’m SO done…
#i hate job hunting#I’m tired#i feel like it will be like this forever#i feel like a failure#i feel like everything that i do will never be enough#ugh#also I’m on my period#and in so much pain#when will things get better?#sorry 4 the drama lol#i just don’t know how to cope or what to do#and i hate feeling like it’s getting bad again#I’m trying my best#and i wish people would see that#really job hunting and uncertainty are so draining
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the thing is that childhood doesn't just end when you turn 18 or when you turn 21. it's going to end dozens of times over. your childhood pet will die. actors you loved in movies you watched as a kid will die. your grandparents will die, and then your parents will die. it's going to end dozens and dozens of times and all you can do is let it. all you can do is stand in the middle of the grocery store and stare at freezers full of microwave pizza because you've suddenly been seized by the memory of what it felt like to have a pizza party on the last day of school before summer break. which is another ending in and of itself
#lucinda.txt#when i was 20 my theater teacher died and i thought i was also going to die#when i was 23 my childhood cat died and it was awful#all my grandparents are dead. liam payne from one direction has died.#it's like... okay. and you still have to wake up and go to work!#& i guess the idea is one day you'll get better at losing things#one day you just won't CARE that your childhood is over#i guess. but i doubt it.#1k#2k#5k
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Why did William get FNAF springlocked? Is he stupid?
#myart#chloesimagination#comic#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#william afton#henry emily#springtrap#fnaf 3#fnaf fanart#THIS COMIC is unserious#but to answer the question yes William is stupid BAHAH#I could imagine William wouldn’t be that shaken up by his employees getting injured#if anything he’d blame them for literally lack of skill#phone guy even explains that death or injury isn’t the company’s fault#so obviously William has just shrugged these things off for years#THEN this is why he’s stupid#he got in the springlock suit to scare ghost kids away#laughed in a wet suit and was shocked when it failed on him#THE TRUE skill issue seeing he of all people should of known better#common William L his hubris will always be the death of him
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my top bit of advice going into the new year: compliment people. especially strangers. literally everyone you interact with if you can. when you buy coffee in the morning compliment the barista's tattoos. when you're chatting with a coworker tell them that by the way you like their outfit. always find something they've chosen to do on purpose. nail polish, jewellery, tattoos, hair colour/style, statement accessory, outfit, etc are all good bets. things people hope will be noticed. things that aren't too personal so it doesn't make them uncomfortable (eg probably not their physical features). i've gotten into the habit of scanning everyone i talk to for something about them that i think is cool so i can tell them. it's a great habit because it makes me notice people and realise just how many neat little details there are in people's presentation of themselves that might pass me by if i wasn't paying attention. and it brings out so much joy. you'd be surprised how much it disarms people to receive an unexpected compliment from someone they don't know. it is the most sincere smile you will see all day long. it feels nice to make people happy but it also means you win the social interaction. establish dominance by complimenting a stranger's earrings and disappearing into the fog
#rookposting#the little 'oh!' followed by a big grin is now my highlight in every interaction i have with a stranger#you can always spot the things people hope will be noticed and you have no idea how happy it makes people when it gets noticed#i find it's always better to compliment things they did deliberately vs complimenting stuff like their voice or their face or other things#that are inherent or they cant change because that can make people uncomfortable for one thing to hear that from a stranger#but it's also just less meaningful imo because they didnt do that on purpose
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oh. I think my fears about Chiefcake passing from old age were more on point than I realized. she's acting very weak right now.
and it's late on a friday, when all the rabbit-specific vets have closed. I'll call around anyway to see if at home euthanasia is an option tonight.
#I didn't expect it to be this soon#she's been sleeping more and urinating outside of the litter box#so I was planning on getting her on arthritis meds to see if those helped her move around better#but tonight......I know how animals act when they're dying.#something has gone wrong inside her#god these things always happen at night when the vets have closed 💀#all I can do is stay with her and try to make her as comfortable as possible#this sucks#at least she still feels good enough to eat the apple slice I'm offering and tooth-purr while being stroked
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been replaying the Portal series I think this is where its heading
#i haven't drawn in like. half a month. which listen i know i don't post much here but i do draw a lot#i have another blog. but also sometimes i just don't post things. i draw for myself#just got burnt out from working on an animation final 😔#so anyway. eased myself back in with a silly comic about portal#my irl saw my shitty sketch and thought glados was painting chell which is very funny to me.#chelldos#but like. unrequited. glados is obsessed with chell. chell is not having a good time#portal#chell#GlaDOS#GlaD0S#my art#og post#1k#5k#10k#20k#yuri#shipping#edit: i made this post almost a year ago and it haunts me. theres a typo. chell is out of character.#because i couldn't come up with a good reason for her to be there in the first place#and this was a shitty ms paint replicating drawing that i did just to get back into drawing#i didn't think it would gain much attention#i was Wrong#anyway someone in the comments said this is what happens when you speedrun thats an infintely better setup for the punchline#EDIT 2: ok i fixed it fuck you
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I have had these thoughts bubbling away in my head for like...eighteen months or so now (it will become very obvious why shortly) but the discussion in this post has pushed me to write them down: I think societally we HUGELY underestimate how motherhood for primary caregivers, particularly first-time motherhood, can be a source of vulnerability to radicalisation.
There is obviously huge cultural variance here, but for a lot of cis women becoming primary caregiver to an infant in a capitalist Western society represents a time of immense vulnerability because in general you are:
Incredibly sleep-deprived (which has well-documented knock-on effects for your judgement, mental health, etc)
If you gave birth, recovering from a significant challenge to your physical health (even in the best-case scenario)
Isolated from your previous networks and communities of people in full-time work
Completely separated from the context of your prior career goals and achievements
Under huge amounts of stress to learn how to care for an infant (don't get me started on breastfeeding)
And on top of this, you are also be experiencing a huge amount of messaging about how all this is natural, wonderful, something you're meant to do, something you should love doing, and something that you must do for the welfare of their child. It's a huge amount of pressure and life change even when everything goes right and there's very little cultural space to express negative feelings about it.
Any group of people who offer community, support, and affirmation to cis women in this situation are going to have a really good shot at radicalising them into some very weird and dangerous headspaces and in fact we see this happen all the time - think antivaxxers and TERFs. It flies under the radar because of the hazy positive glow that associates with motherhood and babies and also because we don't take the radicalisation of women seriously I guess because they rarely shoot anybody, but...yeah. It is such a vulnerable time!
#people who do not see themselves in the cishetero stereotype#are obviously going to have some separation from this & therefore protection#full confession: obviously in the last year and a half I have done a LOT of midnight Googling about Baby Things#and you know what. very often the top hits are Mumsnet forum threads#which...often contain useful and sympathetic advice#I can so easily see how people get sucked into that#they're not getting people with TERFy shit they're getting them with 'tips for getting your four month old to nap better'#which is the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD when your kid is four months old#and then the TERFy nonsense presumably comes later#because that's how radicalisation works
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*catboys ur shounen protag*
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#itadori yuuji#yuji itadori#yuuji#fanart#jjk fanart#boss shes drawing shirtless catboys.............#listen i just bought the mewji plush ive been in a Mood ok#u all can forgive me im sure#i rly liked the original mewji sketch that i did last night but fr some reason when i went to clean it i could not get th expression??#it just looked so off and kind of uncanny and not like yuuji at all#so i scapped it :) hes less scrunchy faced now#also. gomenyasai i am still guilty of doubling up on human/cat ears....#espECIALLY with a haircut like yuujis it is beyond me how to omit them#if anyone can make it work u r a better artist than i#anyway im so happy the trend of like. putting ur ref pic next to the finished piece exists#adds a lil layer of visual interest i think !!!#plus i for one think its neat seeing what other ppl use fr ref#i realized while drawing this tht its been a minute since my last boy without a shirt on#every time i get to draw torso muscles i am like i shld do this more often !!! and then i never do#bc the only thing i like more than rendering muscles is a cute fit GHJFJHFGSHg#anyway itadori mewji ladies and gays enjoy <3#i have ! places 2 b !#'why were u late' . uh .
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I'm back in the Tigers cage again.
(You too can join in on throwing a Rat Of A Man into a Tiger cage by reading Tiger Tiger)
#non mdzs#Still need a sona tag name...#Tiger tiger#When I say 'I need to hunt him down for blood' what I really mean is:#'I really like this character and I enjoy how he's able to provoke emotion in the readers'.#Thank you Petra for being such an amazing writer!#The penultimate chapter of Tiger Tiger is underway! I'm so excited to see how things will conclude!#There is truly no better time to be getting into Tiger Tiger than right now! Don't wait!#More TIger's comics *are* on the horizon. So sorry for underfeeding you guys.#Life got busy and I ended up taking a break for 2 months but I am *back* and I won't be leaving any time soon.#I got a tad overwhelmed with the discord; it's a fun place to chat but very busy - I'll try and pop in more often.
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"don't make it political!" .... what proportion of death and suffering must occur before politics are involved. if this isn't political, what is even the point of any politics, ever. of democracy. the words are "by the people for the people." if i am going to be left alone by my elected representatives to "figure it out" - to undergo damage, hardship, fear. what the fuck did i elect them for. what was their job. the entire point is that they handle this shit. this is why we were supposed to be electing leaders.
poverty is political. misogyny is political. gun control is political. climate change is political. how much aid a community gets is political. what the fuck are you talking about. it's been political this whole fucking time.
#to be deleted probably#i think aid should be REQUIRED to be bipartisan#ppl shouldn't suffer bc of how they vote. sorry. i'm never gonna be like ''ah yah x area deserves it''#..... they're people. they're human people. what the fuck is wrong with you.#this is nonspecific bc it's the same argument every time it involves things the right wing could have prevented#oh she died in childbirth bc of abortion laws? well nows not the time to make it#well he died bc his boss made him work during the tornado? well let's not make this#ohhh they died in a school shooting? thoughts and prayers let's all not make#there's a big fucking natural disaster that is strong evidence for oncoming ecological collapse?#welllllllll leTS NOT MAKE IT FUCKING POLITICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11#WHEN WAS THE TIME???????????#PREVENTION HAS ALWAYS BEEN BETTER THAN WOUND CARE.#> stabs u . oh sorry that wasn't political#but also good luck in the hospital good luck with insurance good luck with medicine#good luck with disability support good luck w/ur job and taking time off good lucK!!!#refusing to allow politics into the matter means they get to shrug their shoulders and absolutely#refuse any fucking ACCOUNTABILITY#THEN WHAT WAS THE JOB FOR??? WHY DID I GIVE THEM THIS JOB???#WHAT IS LITERALLY THE POINT OF ELECTED OFFICIALS
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Scary Sunset.
I'm concepting things way outta order in this story, but I'm sure you can piece things together. Context is for a storybeat where, after defeating and capturing Adagio (thus having all three sirens in her possession), Sunset enacts her revenge plot to release the sirens on Canterlot as Thea discovers she's been manipulated. In a confrontation, the two scuffle and fight over the siren orbs while Sunset struggles with her conflicting wants and emotions.
#mlp#sunset shimmer#twilight sparkle#twiset#the orbs are the glass balls sunset carries on her back btw its in her cast line up art#deep down sunset hates thea. she was named “twilight” by celestia. the time of day succeeding sunset. she was always her replacement#but at this point in the story sunset's also fallen for thea. so it's also a conflict of wills in sunset. love or hatred.#hence the “don't make me do this” language. she's rationalizing her hatred and violence as thea forcing her hand and getting in her way#when in reality she doesn't need to do any of this. it's her last stand and outburst to cling to a life of revenge that she's grown too#fond of. because she knows thea has the power to change that and disrupt her identity as a pathetic victim who fell from glory#and that's scary. thea's a very scary thing to sunset because suddenly sunset wants something and to be someone new.#she suddenly wants to change. to be better for someone else. and she never thought or believed that could be an option for her#anyways toxic yuri yayyy#my art#the grand galloping 20s#character design#i hope i got across the pained conflicted emotions in sunset's face tho i belabored over them these past 3 days#i hope a look of anger and dissonance and guilt and “oh god i don't really wanna hurt you please just obey me” while trying to intimidate#is readable. if so it's all in the eyebrows babey
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Columbo and the Knight (1984)
put me in the universe where Columbo ran through the 1980s and had a crossover episode with Knight Rider. I think they deserved it, and I am not just saying that because they're my two favorite Old Shows. @telebeast wrote a little fanfic blurb about it and I HAD to visualize it into a comic (which is also the longest comic I have finished thus far at five pages...), so writing credit goes to them.
Autism W!
#columbo#knight rider#art#michael knight#kitt#comic#highlight reel#crossover#telebeast#there are two small easter eggs here. can you find them. they were somehow not Entirely lost when i resized these for the public#this is what i mean when i say I Draw And It's Everyone Else's Problem. look at my INCREDIBLY niche crossover comic boy#if the knight rider fandom has like 12 people in it. how many of y'all have seen columbo#this comic is for like 4 people and me and phoenix are already two of them#niche is my specialty lets be real. weird niche obscure shit and ships nobody's paid attention to yet#not to suggest this is ship art. columbo has his wife and michael has his car lmfao#stylizing real people is EXTREMELY hard btw sorry for when they get off model. its partly a 'better imperfect than never finished' situatio#cant tell you how much i redrew some of these panels. weeps#this took me 2 weeks but i think i thumbnailed it all in may and the ideas been rollin around in my head since march#is anybody good at editing. please edit michael and columbo into an image together like its a screenshot. NOT generated. edited.#it would be so cool#ive drawn columbo a lot but i haven't drawn a lot of michaels. i was learning things about his outfit AS I WAS DOING THE DAMN#COLORS ON THIS. all the lines done. it was too late to change anything. i did all the lines and colored page by page#i realized my mistakes on like page 3. 1 and 2 were already done. it was Too Late.#imagine it though. them working a case together. switching between the more serious tone of columbo vs the goofier#action antics of michael and kitt. columbo being so impressed by Modern Technology. there's more i could say but phoenix may write#more of this crossover and i don't want to spoil it :'3#there's opportunity here though i swear. there's gold to be dug.#i like how kitt gets shading but columbo's junker peugeot doesn't. kitt looked wrong without any. columbo's car is matte and dirty#i also applied effects to this to make it look a little film-grainy and VHS like. some CRT TV vibes#the only question left is. did they put knight rider into columbo; or columbo into knight rider 🤔
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Got once again told that I was "good at making conversation" and had "people and communication skills"
and that is the biggest lie I ever heard
so a girl will end up writing some sort of "practical guide to making conversation, by a recovering agoraphobic".
But also. If you need a "how to people when no social skills" guide right now, my absolute no bullshit guide is The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook (2018, 3rd ed), esp chap 8 and 10. Includes: how long is appropriate to look at someone in the eyes? What are good conversation topics for your neighbors, your colleagues, your boss, your date? How to safely practice social skills/conversation? How to handle shaking/blushing/sweating/nervous stuttering? How is talking to a group different from talking to one person? How to gracefully end a conversation? How to ask for a change at your work schedule? How to start getting better at it *progressively* without being overwhelmed?
It's not a feel good self help/self improvement book, it is not a magic remedy with secret formula, it is more of a "let's learn a new language", with homework and notes to take. Give it a try, it is very easy to find it online
#social anxiety#you will not magically develop social skills!#but you can absolutely get better!#the book is also a good ref if you dont have social anxiety and just want to improve your people skills#a girl makes no money out of this book ok#it just was the best thing for me when I needed a “how to people” that was not some feel good “just be yourself hun!”#social skills
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Elizabeth Afton bets on losing dogs in FNAF..
#myart#chloesimagination#fnaf#five nights at freddy's#fnaf fanart#elizabeth afton#circus baby#william afton#fnaf sister location#William WHEN I GET YOU#I know I focus on Michael a lot but let it be known#I feel bad for all the Afton children#Elizabeth has such a sad story to her#all she wanted was her father to acknowledge her#but instead he made circus baby which I think he was more proud of then her#and refused to let Elizabeth see it the one thing she assumes her father made for her#and she dies because of it cause he didn’t watch her#even as baby he isn’t interested in her#he more so focuses on his hate for Michael#Elizabeth has always been an after thought#she deserved so much better#tell your baby that im your baby
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