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#when what I was doing was trying to find ways for her to communicate with me that benefits BOTH OF US
dropsnectar · 22 hours
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Pollen and Potions: Bee-men x afab!reader
PART THREE
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This is a longer part than the rest, but its all necessary dialogue so it should be fine. More fluffy and romance than smut, BUT!! Their will be smut in the next section! I know I said this will only be 4 parts, but it may actually be more like 5 or 6. Anyway, hope you like!
So. You were starting to learn that using large batches of magic back to back weren't ideal for a young witch's health. It seemed like you might have overdone it, as when you woke you found you had been asleep for TWO WHOLE DAYS. So. If you were going to do magic, it looked like you were going to have to pace yourself, or perhaps use LESS magic.
You put yourself to learning more about witchcraft. The thing was, your grandmother's books didn't really go into the basics, and as witches were so rare, information was hard to find. Of course, the internet was full of supposed witch spells, or frameworks, but it was like throwing dice. Some spells didn't work. Some spells took up WAY too much energy. Some were just… fine? But not what you needed. 
Next you checked out forum sites. Maybe you could find a community through that way? But all you found were psychics and tarot readers. Nice people, but not what you needed.
Whelp. Maybe you needed to look at the issue differently. The environment used to be a beautiful, thriving area. What had changed between now and then? In order to understand a magic ecosystem, you had to understand ecosystems. So, for the rest of the week you busied yourself with ecology study. It was turning out that this project you had adopted on a whim would need a lot more time and breadth of knowledge then you originally thought.
***
When you met with Rena, under Lyith’s friendly gaze, you found that the magic you had cast hadn't waned at all. The flowers had grown beautifully and continued to give magic nectar that created the best honey. Rena was beside herself. “The elders of the hive say they haven't had honey of this quality since they were children! You are really onto something here, little one.”
Rena had now gotten in the habit of calling you little one. Sure, as a Bee-man she was slightly taller than you, but not by much. Also the constant fluttering and floating didn't help. 
“You've been given permission to test your magic on our other gardens as well. As long as we are careful and continue with caution!” Rena babbled. You gave her a small smile and felt Lyiths arm on your shoulder. He laid his head on your other shoulder, leaning his fuzzy head against yours. 
“Whats wrong?”
You wiggled a little. “I'm just having a hard time brainstorming how to do this. I know I said I'd help you guys, but I might not be able to use as much magic as last time. To be honest, I don't really know much about my mana and my limits…” you explained your situation. Expecting there to be disappointment, you were surprised to find none.
“I can’t help but think… How long will this last? One spell isn’t going to cut it for that long. I want to create something that will last for you guys, but that might take a while… and doing just this took all the mana I had. I want to do better. But I don’t want to hurt myself either, especially when I don’t know how this could affect my health in the long run…” The bee-men seemed to be catching on.
“Of course, little one. We wouldn't want you to harm yourself.”
 Lyith also popped up, his voice almost in your ear.
“Us Bee-men also have something like mana. Our magic is not never ending. We would have fixed this situation ourselves if it was.”
Rena reached forward and grabbed your hand, giving it a reassuring pat. “We don't have to do anything today. We can commence whenever you'd like. Our flowers have spread out beautifully and even this is enough.”
You frowned.
“I may have to do this every spring. Or even redo it in the summer…”
“You don’t owe us anything. You are trying your best to do us a kindness. And our hive knows and sees that. We are beyond grateful to you… Its… We’ve needed…We are truly grateful.” His expression fell at the mention of his hive, his antennas drooping. Rena moved forward and held Lyith, a sad expression on her own face.
There was a pause in conversation that grew somewhat awkward.
How do I make this better? You tried to brainstorm, but only one thing came to mind. 
You went over and gave the both of them a big bear hug. It was a tense one, but you tried to adjust your emotions, instead concentrating on how fond you had grown of the two. You tried to shout it as loud as you could through your brain at them.
This seemed to break the spell, as Rena started to laugh. Lyith looked at you affectionately. 
“I know we haven't known each other long, but I just want to say, you can count on me. If you ever need to talk about anything let me know. I'll listen.”
Rena and Lyith hummed in response, returning your group hug with a long squeeze.
Long hugs. The favorite actions of a Bee-men.
After some quiet reassurances, the two of you decided to idle while the two foraged on the edge of the Wood. You walked with them and asked them as many questions you could think of. How old were they? Were they able to do other magics? You had thought Bee-men to be isolated. How come they knew so much about human culture?
Lyith was the one who answered you most of the time. It seemed that bee-man typically lived double the life of a human, with Rena and Lyith being about 45, and 51, Lyith being the oldest. They were in the same season of life as you though!
Bee-man could do some other magics(they didn't go much into what), but they specialized in making their magical honey, which fortified the health and wellbeing of a Bee-men. 
They didn’t say it outright but it seemed like the dip in magic had affected the nutrition of their food source. They kept their own bees and shared honey, but it still wasn't enough, so they had ventured out into human society to buy fruit when it was necessary. They also did trade with neighboring beast-men, the Wolfmen being happy to share their fruit for their Bee’s wax waste. I 
“What exactly do you guys do for fun though?” You asked, trying to lighten the mood.
Lyith smiled. “Late night flying is fun.”
Rena snorted. “You mean late night spying. Lyith has a habit of looking through people's windows.”
Lyith wrinkled his nose at Rena. “If they did not want to be seen they would have drawn the curtains. It's not strange, I am just curious about human life is all.”
Rena reached forward and pinched Lyiths nose. “Poor thing. So bored he must make mischief.”
You looked at Lyith with surprise. His big eyes grew in concern and he pouted at you.
“You are not going to tease me too are you? I promise, I never see anything scandalous. I'm a good little bee.” He fluttered his eyes at you.
You giggled and pushed his shoulder. 
“As long as you're not spying on me I guess it's harmless.”
Lyiths expression shifted to one of his dopey smiles. It always surprised you how innocent he could look despite his size. Was it maybe…
“So… I may have read that you guys are telepathic right?” 
Renas face changed into a smirk. 
“Yes, and?”
“ Well, have you guys ever… used your powers on me?” 
Rena snorted. Lyith gave you an unreadable expression. “We Bee-man are very particular about sharing our heads outside of our hives. But no. We haven't done anything to you if that's what you meant…”
Oh. He was pouting now.
“No! Thats not what I meant! I just… i feel so comfortable around you guys it's almost supernatural. I just. Idk. Wanted to know. Please I didn't mean anything by it!”
Lyith wrinkled his nose at you and Rena continued to seem amused. You felt helpless and got a bit upset with yourself. You did your best to calm yourself down but you were upset. You had so few friends here and you were afraid you blew it. A wave of loneliness swept through you.
Lyith was watching you the whole time, before sighing. “All will be forgiven if you give us some of those fruit tarts you made yesterday.”
You looked at him, shocked. 
“I thought you said you didn't spy on me!”
“I wasn't spying, I just happened to be foraging by the window, and smelled something amazing. It was all incidental.”
“There's sugar in the crust. Won’t your tummy get upset?”
He just smiled. Rena laughed. “He named his price. For offending us, we must get fruit tarts.”
Finally feeling better, the three of you walked(they let you walk!!!) Back to your home. You served them up your tarts, when finally the questions started coming about you. Why did you move here? Do you have any siblings? What were you like as a child?
This went on until dinner time, at which point you decided to shoo your new friends away. “ I'll be back to do the flowers tomorrow. We… we will see what I can do.” You admitted. The two of them smiled at you, hugging you tight for a good three minutes. They always lingered, nuzzling your face and hair, as if they were getting a whiff of you. You could smell their own perfume and tried not to think too much. Their goodbyes always felt so intimate. 
 Rena decided to pepper your face in kisses before they left. Lyith just rolled his eyes at her. When they drew apart you felt empty, like some piece of you was going with them.
***
As always, Lyith picked you up that morning. This time, you made sure to bring a scarf and hat, alongside emergency snacks in your bag. Where he was taking you next was a little longer of a trip, a whole ten minutes to the usual six. That was a long time when you were hurtling through the air.
You were surprised to drop into a small crowd. There were ten Bee-men present besides Rena, who seemed to be communicating silently with them. The air was full of bee noises; humming, purring, the fluttering of wings. The air smelled amazingly fresh, floral and syrupy. It was an odd smell, but it seemed to put you at ease somehow. And maybe a bit peckish.
A Beeman a whole foot and a half taller then Rena fluttered towards you. They bowed, of which you awkwardly returned before they reached forward and took your hand gently. Lyith started,
“This is Elder Bisou. He is the eldest of our hive. He is showing you respect.”
Elder Bisou smiled at you. “Little Witch, I welcome you to our territory. My human is a bit… unused. Please receive our thanks for your efforts.” He took your hand and leaned down so that it met his temple. You could feel the rush of his magic, like your mind was a fish bowl and he was putting a gentle hand on the glass. You could feel his warmth, his deep gratitude through it. 
Your back straightened and you felt water prick your eyelids. You gave him a slow nod, becoming acutely aware just how serious this whole situation actually was. Rena and Lyith had been dancing around it, but the Bee-men must be slowly starving to death. That was the only explanation for the depths of what you had felt.
“I will do my best.” Was all you could reply. 
Lyith, acting as your translator, took you to each Bee-men he could and introduced you. It seemed that some of the elders, as well as some of those who had free time had come to watch the “little witch” work. Most took your hand gently, and sent you a ghost of what their emotions were. There was a sort of film around the emotions, a barrier of sorts. Whether this was on purpose so you wouldn’t be overwhelmed, or just how their telepathy worked, you couldn't tell. 
You did your best to not let your nerves get to you as you dissected the sections of the field where you would be doing your experiments. You didn’t know how these particular flowers would take to your spell, so it was still best to be cautious. The bee-men looked on with interest.
You did your chants in a loud booming fashion, and channeled in as elegant a fashion as you could. Like always, the magic came, and the spell did its work. These flowers were different, like rainbow colored lavender. Rather than letting the magic gush through you, you let it gently trickle out, pacing yourself. When the deeds were done, you still felt sore, and you still held a headache in your temple, but there was no nausea, so growth! 
Once you were done with your work, there was a large excited buzzing throughout the forest. There was clapping, dancing, stomping of feet, pumping of many hands, whoops from Rena and Lyith. One Bee, a worker named Aidenn held a small wooden instrument in his hands and started to play. This triggered a chorus from the Bee-men. There was a harmonizing among the crowd and they started to circle each other, laughing and dancing. A circle of flying, spinning Bee-men formed.
Rena grabbed you by the waist and hoisted you onto her shoulder before joining in the circle of the dance. You giggled as you spun, feeling the giddiness in the air like it was laughing gas. That same pressure filled your mind and a part of your heart started to soar. It was intimate, but not stifling and you loved feeling so close to everyone.
You lifted your hands and, feeling in the spirit, decided to hum along. At some point Rena had taken you in her arms and held you close as they continued to fly in a circle, spinning and perrying, and switching. It was similar to square dancing, where there was a pattern to it. 
At one point, the tune changed and Lyith swooped down from above and grabbed you out of Rena’s arms. She snorted at him but let it happen, joining hands with another passing Bee-men. When Lyith gathered you in his arms, he cradled you as close as possible, surprising you. One hand was gripping firmly around your waist and the other crushing you to him. He landed on the ground, and the rest of the bee-men followed, causing something of a ballroom dance. 
“You did wonderfully today.” He breathed in your ear, causing them to redden. You pulled yourself back a bit to see his face and he was looking at you with such pride and affection it felt like a weight crushing your chest. You moved your hands from his shoulders to reach his own hands. You were shaky, but you wanted to return his feelings somehow. His palms were soft.
This caused him to laugh, a purring sort of trill coming from his throat. You couldn’t help a silly grin form on your face.
“I’m glad you came to my garden.” Was all you could think to say.
He looked at you, with those big black eyes, then reached forward and kissed you on the lips. It was only a peck, but you could feel his joy through it. 
Something complex within you, a mix of happiness, excitement, hope, all of your feelings rose up into your throat. Unable to find the words to express yourself, you took all of those big heavy emotions, wrapped them all up together and kissed him back, right there, in the middle of your makeshift dance floor.
When you pulled away Lyith looked shocked, his bottom lip hanging open. Adorable as usual. 
Rena hollered from the otherside of the gathering, sending out a big whoop. There was laughter, buzzing and an echoing whoop from some of the younger bee-men. Elder Bisou made some clicking sounds, but the sides of his mouth were slightly upturned.
It occurred to you then that you were in the middle of a group of very telepathic monster people. Your cheeks grew hot in embarrassment and you pulled away from Lyith a bit. Your shoes suddenly became very interesting. 
Lyith eventually turned your chin back up to face him. He held a small peaceful smile, before bumping his forehead to yours. He didn’t share his emotions but the affection was still there.
After you grew too tired to dance, you took a seat under a tree, munching on a granola bar. Another one of the Bee-men, a younger drone named Haven, made his way to sit next to you.
“I don’t know if it was mentioned, but honey production has picked up enormously since you agreed to help us. I haven’t felt this great in… well ever! Thank you little witch!”
“I’m not little, but thank you for saying so.” You were starting to get a bit lightheaded now, and not from the dancing. It was possible that some of the symptoms of mana sickness were surfacing a little late.
“You are strong! That is true! Even elder Bisou has said he hasn’t met a human or beastman with mana like yours!” Haven turned his voice down to a whisper, as if he was sharing a secret, “Your magic smells so much like flowers, really, its a huge blessing! In fact, I would eat you up if I could!” He laughed as if he had made a joke. He sighed and looked up dreamily at the sky. “Alas, I am saving myself for when we find our queen.” He wrapped his arms around himself, as if to fend off imaginary suitors.
You wrinkled your nose. “Queen? You don’t have a queen? Isn’t that super bad for bees, I mean bee-men?” 
Heaven tilted his head at you, reminding you of Lyith. 
“Of course. That's why we are all so small and weak.” You stared at him in shock. He put up his hands. “We are doing well though! It's been 20 years since our queen died but we are still here! Oh! There is a hive up north! Any day now, one of their queens' daughters might descend and bless us! Or.. Or we--”
“Little One! You seem like you're getting sick!” Rena Descended from above and put a hand to your forehead.
“You are far too warm! Haven, mind if I take her out of your wings?”
Heaven looked up at Rena, his face a mask of confusion. He eventually gave in though and stood up.
“I should check on Elder Bisou! He might need something!” His voice was flat, obviously fake, but he ran away- flew away with gusto.
Rena took your face into her hands, tilting your head back and forth. Your lightheadedness turned full on dizzy. Rena’s face screwed up in an annoyed expression.
“You overdid it. And after that whole speech about not knowing your limits too..” She gently put a hand on your back and picked you up princess style. You would have been embarrassed, if your brain was functioning properly. Instead your gaze fixed on Rena’s beautiful iridescent wings. The lights were so lovely and they helped ground you. Honestly, everything about Rena was lovely. Well, maybe lovely wasn’t the right word. She was rough around the edges. A tease and a know it all. But she doted on you so, it made you feel a bit overwhelmed. Your gaze shifted from her wings to her lovely nose, pretty sharp for a bee-men. 
Rena started conversing with Lyith about you, pointing her jaw and humming. Huh. Rena was actually incredibly attractive. You had known that before. Maybe it was something about how dizzy everything was. The last time you had felt this way she had been kissing you, her textured tongue pushing nectar down your thoat-
“Little One”
Your mind immediately focused. She was using a demanding tone. 
“Lyith will take you home. Next time, we will only do one spell at a time.” She leaned forward and placed her cool lips to the side of your mouth. Making you blush. Well your face was already heated so you would have blushed. “I will see you again soon. Rest.” And she was off.
You were in Lyith’s arms again. A place you were starting to get comfortable in. He stared at you for a moment, his lips pursed, then sighed loudly. He held your gaze for a moment.
“I do not like this habit you are forming. You will not get sick again, understand?” 
You nodded at him, mind hazy. Sleepy. You were sleepy. 
You didn’t register the fly home, only that the coolness felt nice. You were carried from the porch, into the living room, up the stairs, and laid on your bed. You were covered in warm, delicious blankets. 
You never saw Lyith leave before you passed out. Probably because he tucked himself in right beside you, the cool air washing over both of you from the open bedroom window.
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beauty-and-passion · 2 days
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Did you see Thomas Sanders' YouTube community post about his plans for videos, including Sanders Sides?
... well, it looks like something happened in the SaSi fandom. Jeez, I cannot leave for a couple months to celebrate the Gravity Falls renaissance, that Mr. Sanders decides to pull up some stunts while I wasn't looking :P
Maybe he hoped I wouldn't notice. That I was gone. Well, unfortunately for him, I am always around - and if I lose something, there are always nice people ready to give me a heads-up. So here I am again, ready to give my unrequested two cents about the latest updates.
A lot of things happened since dear anon wrote me this ask, so I will not talk about one single post (also because I have no idea what post the anon was referring to :P) but I will briefly talk about the latest info taken straight from the ts_criticism tag, which is always the most updated place regarding SaSi.
No, Mr. Sanders' updates do not count, considering they're non-existent.
_____________
Season 2 finale: to watch or not to watch?
There was a survey going on in the criticism tag regarding the season 2 finale and whether people would watch it on YouTube, another platform, or just ignore it.
Now we can tell ourselves all the stories we want, but at the end of the day, we know everyone will watch it - no matter if on Thomas' YouTube page or somewhere else.
And even though we already know it will never be worth the years of waiting, I am sure everyone will still give it a chance. The view count will be high.
But if that's true for part one, who knows what will happen for all other parts? What if part 1 is not worth the wait? Will people still be willing to give a try to the other parts? Will they be willing to wait who knows how long for them?
_____________
The hilariously bad Brei Grace situation
Is it so surprising, that Thomas lost another person working for him? It's basically a constant, considering people keep being laid off, disappearing or not getting paid enough. By now, you would think this man learned something from the past but hey, it looks like I overestimated his intelligence.
What I find incredibly funny about this situation is not that Brei herself had to tell the truth to the public because Thomas, as always, refuses to be honest about anything. It's about this specific part of his post regarding Roleslaying with Roman:
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Oh my god, this is so bad it's hilarious.
So Thomas laid his last writer off, but apparently he wasn't clever enough to find a proper replacement before doing it and he openly admitted in a post, to his fans (including his investors) that he has no writer to replace Brei and will have to keep following/begging her to get more of the script, because there's no one else who can develop the story in her place.
Do I really have to explain why everything about this is so stupid? Do I? Okay, then:
Thomas was apparently very quick at firing Brei, but not quick enough in finding another writer before doing it. That's not how any competent person works: when I left my last job, my boss asked me to stay for a couple more days, just enough to get a replacement. But hey, I suppose "finding a replacement" and "not leaving a vacant position" were too complex, too difficult thoughts for Mr. Sanders.
Mr. Sanders showed his investors he's so disorganized and impulsive, he fired someone with no backup plan and, as a result, had to put the series on hold. One of the series people are paying him to produce. If I were still paying him, I would stop immediately after this: if you're this unprofessional, you don't deserve money.
After laying Brei off, Thomas still wants to reach her for details regarding the story. The same story he fired her from. If he was so desperate for more of her work, he should've found a way to keep her around, not laid her off, then waste more time trying to find a way to get more of her.
If I were Brei, I would ignore Thomas forever and refuse to write even one more word regarding Roleslaying. But I'm a cold, heartless person, so I don't count. Still hope Brei will have some self-respect and refuse to share her work for free just because he's begging.
Or, at least, I hope she will ask for pre-payments first.
Thomas thought it was a great idea to show how unprofessional and disorganized he is via Twitter post. And refused to say the whole truth too. And no one was in the room to tell him: "Hey, what if you get a replacement first, so at least you won't have to admit you are dropping a series because you have no writer left?".
That's so stupid it doesn't even make me mad. It simply goes all the way around and becomes pure genius.
It also (involuntarily?) reconfirms a thought I had long ago, when Joan left. When I watched the goodbye video, I expected Thomas and/or Joan to tell us: "Hey, Joan is leaving, but here is the person who will replace them!".
But nope, no introduction of a new writer, no update post. Literally nothing. Joan left and no one came in. Only vague mentions of other people and names, but mostly Thomas confirming he was the main SaSi writer.
Thomas. Who is not a writer - let alone a competent one.
That's so stupid it's hilarious.
So, since now Thomas got rid of his last writer, what will he do? Learn how to become one? Considering his lack of progress in general, I suppose not.
So what? Will he hire another one of his friends? Will he think he can do anything and write RwR himself? Or will he keep trying on SaSi, a series that is so difficult to handle and with so many stakes, that even a competent writer would have problems with?
The incompetence has just reached a new level and I can't wait to see how deeper we can go.
_____________
The spoilers for the next SaSi episode
Thanks to @t-slanders, who appeared out of nowhere and decided to feed us something more than the absolute nothing Thomas gave us for years, we know what the next SaSi episode will be about.
And look, it's a plot in which:
The main topic of discussion is Thomas and Nico's relationship
Roman is ready to push things further
Janus and Virgil are not
Virgil is hiding he's on Janus' side
Wow. Wow. That's what Thomas came up with, this is what he's working on for 4+ years and hasn't finished writing yet.
Now, I'm not saying he should've created another plot: that's the only possible plot he could've developed. The only one that made sense, considering how WTIT ended and what was hinted during the 5 year anniversary special.
Why am I so sure of that? Because those are the exact same plot points for the season 2 finale - part 1 I came up with: in my version, Thomas was questioning if he was ready to have a relationship with Nico, Roman wanted to push things further, Janus wanted Thomas to be more cautious, Virgil was siding with Janus but refused to admit it.
Sure, some elements are different of course, but the plot points are the same. The biggest difference is that it took me a few months to develop them into a plot, not 4+ years.
And since those are the plot points, I already know how they will develop too. And not because I'm a genius but, again, they can only go in one direction: Thomas will eventually agree with Janus, it will become obvious Virgil is siding with him, Roman will feel betrayed and his arc will start in the next parts. It's already all written here, it can only go this way. The time travel idea is an "embellishment", but the plot can only go one way.
However, that doesn't mean the season finale will be automatically bad. A lot of stories I can predict end up being great anyway. So no, I won't judge it for its predictability. I will judge it for the production time and the characters' personalities.
And speaking of personalities...
_____________
The tweet video
I watched it at 2x speed, because didn't want to waste too much time on it.
It was... okay. Just okay. The characters' personalities are just okay. Everything is just okay.
Sigh. I'm tired of everything being "just okay".
And no, I cannot shake the feeling that Thomas pulled out this video in 0.2 seconds, only because he had a sponsorship to do.
One last thing I want to tell now, so consider it a warning: if the next episode and/or eventual season finale part 1 are "just okay", I will consider it negatively. From a canonical episode, I expect more than to feel "meh" while watching it.
_____________
And now?
We do the same thing we do every night, my dears: we wait forever for Mr. Sanders to finally decide to update us, to work on SaSi, or to do some stupid shit worthy of a discussion.
Of course, that doesn't mean we should burn him at the stake or cancel SaSi: we are all adults here, so we will simply highlight the shit Thomas does, because if you do stupid shit, you deserve to be criticized. That's not a personal attack, that's just being objective. I hope, one day, he will learn that too.
And maybe, who knows? He will also learn from his mistakes, hire someone competent, pay them properly and not lay them off without finding a replacement first.
Or, maybe, he will just find the perfect excuse to drop SaSi/put the finale on hold forever, so he will be finally free from the burden he clearly feels. When that day comes, I wish him to find a series he will be truly passionate enough, to keep it on until the end.
And sure, of course I will be around when the supposed next episode will supposedly come out: one part of me hopes it will be good, while the other part loves shooting a fish in a barrel. So... well, at least I will be satisfied either way ;P
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itsnotbird · 3 days
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Orphic~ File 4
Indelible (adj) ; Impossible to erase or forget
Warnings: Extreme triggers! Talks of kidnapping, abuse, murder, labs, powers
Bucky!Barnes x Fem!Reader
Find previous part here
Masterlist
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Sleeping alone is still a strange thought.
You only were in a room by yourself when you were being observed…or living through a punishment.
The empty and quiet walls of your new room have you missing the sleeping quarters of that damn place…wherever it is. You close your eyes, grunting as you desperately try and remember all the important things, names, locations, anything that would be more helpful.
There’s nothing but white spaces in your memory.
You huff and bury your face in your pillow. If you soften your breathing just enough, you could hear the overlapping huffs of the girls you once had a bed next to. They’re long gone now, all you know of them is how they look lying still and lifeless.
To say the least, you struggled through the night.
In the morning, you twitch and itch slightly as your body pulses for that fix it’s gotten so used to. If it were up to you, you wouldn’t take the infusion, but your body threatens to give up if it doesn’t have a taste, so Dr. Banner is your saving grace, administering a low dose that continues to get lower until you don’t need it anymore.
It feels like hell.
There’s clothes in your closet that you aren’t a fan of, shades of white and beige, pastel colors of blue and pink.
The things you would do for a pair of pants.
You throw yet another dress on, a different pair of knee socks and those red high tops…the only thing of yours they let you keep. You get lost on your way to the communal women’s bathroom, but you turn back around and find it.
“Good morning.” Wanda greets you as you enter. She’s in front of one of the mirrors, applying makeup.
You smile at the normality of it.
Brushing through your ragged hair, you can’t help but let out a frustrated sigh when it gets knotted again.
“You know, Natasha could help you with a hair cut if you’d like. Maybe a trim? Get rid of those dead ends?”
You look over at her and nod.
Like she was summoned, Natasha appears and is more than happy to assist.
You head to the meeting, free of a few inches.
“Haircut?” Tony asks as you sit down besides Nat.
You nod.
“Looks good.” He approves.
“Good morning, Blue.” Steve greets, causing question from the few Avengers that are in the conference room.
“Blue?” Sam questions.
“Yeah.” He shrugs. “Because her powers…are blue…look, she doesn’t remember her name and I’m not calling her by a number, Blue will have to work.”
You giggle to yourself, and Steve grins in victory.
“Ha! I was the first to make her laugh.” He calls out in victory as he sits down across from you.
“She’s probably laughing because you’re an idiot.” Sam claims, taking his own seat.
One by one, the rest of the team joins.
Headphones on your ears, you aren’t necessarily paying attention to the things around you. Not when Nat argues with the Captain, saying she’s taking you to get clothes and Steve claims you needed to stay here.
“She’s wearing borrowed clothes, looking like the girl from Buffalo 66. She’s a grown woman, and she needs pants.” Nat defends with a glare.
“What’s Buffalo 66?” Steve questions, now side tracked.
“Alright, enough.” Tony calls. “Nat, take the kid shopping, don’t let her you know…do anything crazy.”
That ends the conversation.
Bucky comes into the mix, black coffee in hand as he sits next to Steve…across from you.
“Haircut?” Tony asks, having deja vu.
Bucky just gives him a blank expression, then looks to you.
“What’s her deal?” He asks Steve, questioning the way you don’t bother to look up from your phone.
“Uh…we think it’s best if she doesn’t listen to this first part of the meeting.” Is all Steve says, then passes out files.
“Alright, thanks to our guest here.” He says, motioning to you. “We have a new case.”
Everyone opens their folders, then sorts through the few papers inside.
“The Ring?” Clint questions.
Tony brings up the projection of the information already obtained. “When Fury took E.T. over there, she told agents about this underground organization known as ‘The Ring’. It’s made up of the bosses who run it, their little henchmen, the scientists, and the subjects. It’s grown rapidly into communities all over.”
Everyone shifts their eyes to you, then quickly look away.
“How do they get the subjects?” Bruce asks, brows creased as he looks at the paperwork.
“They kidnap five girls at a time when they’re needed. Doesn’t matter who or where from. Then, they’re brought into labs, turned into guinea pigs for five years while they are conditioned. Their rules are strict, no talking in English, wait for permission to do anything. It takes a whole army for this, there’s teachers and doctors and head agents that are assigned to one of them.” Steve explains, then expands a picture of the brand that sits on the back your neck. “Each division has a symbol, each girl has a number. Blue was 505, she was the fifth of the five in her division.”
You can feel their devastation, it radiates off of them and seeps into your skin. You have the urge to tell them that pity won’t do you any favors, but your tongue stays still.
Natasha leans back in her chair. “What’s the goal? Create super humans for the hell of it?” She asks.
Cap continues. “Once they prove themselves to be exactly what they made them to be, they become hitmen for hire. Some gang leader needs an opponent out of the game? Well they go to one of The Ring leaders, pay them big money, then sit back and wait for the job to be done.”
The team shakes their heads, and Bucky feels his stomach twist. This feels all too familiar, like he’s watching a version of his story play out in front of him.
“What can she tell us?” He speaks, motioning to you then looks to the hologram in front of him.
Tony brings up a few faces of unfamiliar men, newspaper articles of missing children. “She was kidnapped when she was ten, pulled from her bedroom at night. The more she’s adapting, the more she remembers but as of right now, she can only tell us what’s in the files.”
They look further at the notes.
“They develop a relationship with these girls, they give them education, train them to use their powers properly. Each girl has a different ability, they’re all kept together and available for what ever hit they need to do.” Tony explains, his tone almost amazed and confused. “They don’t try to hide these girls, they carefully put them out in society when it’s sure they are rewired properly. They-they give them different aliases, have them play roles perfectly until they can take out their target.”
“If they’re trained so flawlessly…then why’d I find her in the street?” Bucky asks.
Steve brings up the photo of a man named Lawrence Antonov.
“This man was the scientist in charge of Blue’s division, by some accident, he injected them with a serum that essentially cleared their brains. It over powered the previous conditioning, the previous serums given so they would go along with what they were told to do. All of it, wiped clean. Unfortunately, important names and locations were also wiped clean from their minds.”
Sam groans. “It’s never easy, is it?”
Tony glares. “Yeah, tell that to the kid who was a lab rat for almost 15 years of her life.”
Sam sinks a little in his chair.
“Moving on.” Steve says, trying to defuse the situation. “Blue fought her way out, she remembers leaving a warehouse in Vermont, making it as far as she could before her body gave up. Bucky found her, here she is.”
You’re playing a game on your phone, making Nat look over and hum approvingly. “She’s winning.”
They all watch you with a strange look, then shift their attention back to Tony.
“So, Vermont is where we start?” Clint asks.
- - - -
It’s sometime after the meeting ends that you run into him.
Bucky curses to himself as you stop in your tracks, looking him over. He just gives a tight lipped smile and tries to walk past you. Though, as he goes, he can’t help but turn back.
“You’re cooperative, that’s good.” He says, then realizes how off putting that sounds. “I just mean with the case, you’re actually being helpful.”
You just blankly stare at him.
“Not trying to sound like a dick, that’s supposed to be a compliment.” He clarifies, then decides it’s a lost cause anyway. So he huffs. “You get the idea.”
A pleasant smile plays on your lips as he turns his back and walks off.
“Your hair looked nice before.”
Bucky stumbles in his step, then pauses, trying to see if he’s imagining it. As he slowly turns, you’re still standing there, headphones in hand, round soft blue eyes. He doesn’t miss the way you have some sort of twitch about you.
“Did you…did you just talk?” He asks, brows furrowed.
Instantly, your smile drops, afraid you’ve upset him. He sees the expression and panics.
“No, no, I didn’t mean- you just…don’t talk.” He sighs.
“You gave me a compliment, right? So I give you one back.” You smile once more. “Your hair looked nice before, but it looks good now.”
This is happening?
“Thanks…” He says, adapting to the odd situation. “Nothing major…I fixed it this morning.”
You nod.
The two of you stand there in complete silence for an uncomfortable amount of time before Bucky walks away again.
“James.” You call out one last time.
His ears ring.
Was he supposed to feel dizzy when you call his name?
“Yeah?” He looks back at you.
Your fingers curl into the sleeve of your sweater. “Don’t tell the others I spoke…I’m not ready for the floods of questions they’ll ask me.”
He lets out a little huff.
You thought about speaking to him before you did it, you could’ve stayed silent as always, but you trusted him to not be overbearing.
“It’ll be our little secret.” He says, nodding.
Next Part
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nickeverdeen · 5 hours
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Love in the Air | Ellie Williams x fem!reader
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Pairings: Ellie Williams x fem!reader (romantic), Jesse x fem!reader (younger sister), Dina x fem!reader (platonic)
Type of fic: Romance, Fluff, Drunk/Fluff
Warnings: Alcohol, slight alcoholic behaivor
Summary: Ellie as she navigates her growing feelings for Y/N, Jesse’s younger sister, during a festive night in Jackson. Encouraged by Dina, Ellie gets closer to Y/N, leading to a tender moment between them.
Tag List: @callsignwidow
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Jackson was alive with music and laughter, the night sky dotted with stars above the festive gathering. The community center was packed with people, dancing, drinking, and celebrating, enjoying a rare moment of peace and joy. It was one of those nights where the worries of the world outside seemed to fade away, even if just for a little while.
Ellie stood near the bar, leaning against the wooden counter with a drink in hand, trying to focus on what Dina was saying. But her mind was somewhere else, or rather, on someone else. She found herself glancing across the room every few seconds, her gaze always landing on the same person—Jesse’s younger sister, you.
Dina noticed Ellie’s wandering eyes and let out a sigh, a small smile playing on her lips. “You know, you could just tell her how you feel,” Dina suggested, raising an eyebrow at Ellie. “You’ve been talking about her all night.”
Ellie tore her eyes away from you and looked at Dina, her cheeks flushing slightly. “I know, I know,” she muttered, rubbing the back of her neck awkwardly. “It’s just… she’s Jesse’s sister, you know? I don’t want to mess things up.”
Dina rolled her eyes playfully. “Ellie, trust me, you’re overthinking it. Just go talk to her. She likes you too, you know.”
Ellie’s heart skipped a beat at Dina’s words, but before she could muster up the courage to respond, she felt a hand grab hers. She looked up in surprise to see you standing in front of her, a mischievous grin on your face.
“Ellie!” you said, your voice slightly slurred but full of excitement. “Come dance with me!”
Ellie barely had time to react before you were pulling her toward the dance floor, leaving Dina behind with a knowing smile. As you reached the middle of the room, the music seemed to wrap around you, and you wasted no time in pulling Ellie close.
Ellie was a little stiff at first, her mind racing as she tried to figure out what to do. She could feel your warmth, the smell of your hair, and the way your hands rested comfortably on Ellie’s shoulders. It was almost overwhelming, but in the best way possible.
You were clearly tipsy, your movements a little looser than usual, but there was a certain confidence in the way you guided Ellie through the dance. You swayed together, the music blending with the sound of your soft laughter as you moved in sync.
“You look… really beautiful tonight,” Ellie finally managed to say, her voice quiet as she looked into your eyes.
Your smile widened, and you leaned in a little closer. “You’re not so bad yourself, Williams,” you teased, your voice full of affection.
Ellie’s heart pounded in her chest as the distance between you shrank, and before she knew it, you were leaning in even closer. Time seemed to slow down as your lips brushed against Ellie’s, and then you were kissing—soft, warm, and perfect.
Ellie’s mind went blank as she melted into the kiss, her hands finding their way to your waist, pulling you closer. The rest of the world faded away, leaving just the two of you in that moment, lost in each other.
When you finally pulled away, you looked up at Ellie with a blissful, almost puppy-like expression, your eyes shining with happiness. Ellie couldn’t help but smile back, her heart feeling like it was about to burst.
But before either of you could say anything, Jesse suddenly appeared, gently but firmly pulling you away from Ellie without a word. Ellie stood there, a little dazed, as she watched Jesse lead you away from the dance floor.
Dina quickly joined Ellie, noticing her confused expression. “Don’t worry,” Dina said, placing a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “Jesse just didn’t like seeing his little sister like that after a few drinks. He’s not mad, just… protective.”
Ellie nodded slowly, trying to process everything that had just happened. “Right… yeah, I get it,” she mumbled, still feeling the lingering warmth of your lips on hers.
The next morning, Ellie was up early, getting ready for patrol. She was still buzzing from the events of the previous night, replaying the kiss over and over in her mind. But her thoughts were interrupted when she heard a knock on her door.
Opening it, she found Jesse standing there, his expression unreadable. Ellie felt a surge of panic, assuming the worst. “Jesse, look, about last night—” she started, but Jesse cut her off with a wave of his hand.
“Relax, man,” Jesse said, his tone surprisingly calm. “I’m not here to give you a hard time. I just came to ask… will you get your girlfriend to the stables, please?”
Ellie blinked in surprise, her heart skipping a beat. “Wait, what?”
Jesse sighed, a small smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Y/N. She’s probably still in bed with a headache from last night. She’ll need some help getting ready for patrol. So go get her.”
Ellie groaned, rubbing her temples. “Oh my god…”
But before she could say anything else, Jesse was already walking away, leaving Ellie standing in the doorway, still trying to wrap her head around what had just happened.
Ellie made her way to your house, feeling a mix of excitement and nervousness. When she arrived, she found you still in bed, looking a little worse for wear but still as beautiful as ever.
“Morning,” Ellie said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed.
You groaned, pulling the covers over your head. “Noo…”
Ellie chuckled, gently tugging the blanket down. “Come on, we’ve got patrol. Let’s get you up and ready.”
With Ellie’s help, you managed to get out of bed and start getting dressed, though you moved slowly, clearly feeling the effects of the previous night. Ellie handed you a glass of water and some painkillers, which you took gratefully.
As you fumbled with your clothes, Ellie couldn’t help but notice how endearing you looked, half-asleep and struggling to button up your shirt. Without thinking, Ellie reached out and helped, her fingers brushing against yours as she did.
“Thanks,” you mumbled, your eyes drooping as you leaned into Ellie’s touch.
Ellie smiled, pulling your hoodie over your head, making sure you were warm and comfortable. “There, all set,” Ellie said, but you were already sinking back into bed, your energy clearly depleted.
“Just… five more minutes,” you muttered, curling up under the covers again.
Ellie sighed, but her heart was full as she watched you doze off. Unable to resist, she laid down next to you, wrapping an arm around your waist. You instinctively cuddled closer, your fingers playing with the hem of Ellie’s hoodie as you drifted back to sleep.
Ellie felt her own eyelids grow heavy, the warmth and comfort of your presence lulling her into a peaceful state. She closed her eyes, letting herself relax as she held you close.
You were both fast asleep when Jesse came looking for you a little while later. He opened the door, finding you curled up together on the bed, both sound asleep.
Jesse rolled his eyes, a small smile on his lips as he took in the scene. “Figures,” he muttered to himself before closing the door quietly.
He found Dina nearby and quickly filled her in on the situation. The two of them agreed to take over today’s patrol, giving Ellie and you the day off.
Back in the room, Ellie and you slept peacefully, completely unaware of the plans being made around you. For now, all that mattered was the warmth of each other’s presence, and the comfort of knowing you were right where you belonged.
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faaun · 3 months
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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carefulfears · 1 year
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what do you think mulder thinks of diana fowley after biogenesis through amor fati? i don't think we really see anything on screen/in text (though i think it says a lot that he didn't have much of a reaction when scully came to his apartment & instead focuses on scully & their relationship lol)
yeah there’s basically NOTHING in the text but tbh i think finding out for certain that she was working with CSM really kindaaaa snapped him out of some things…mulder doesn’t give a fuck what people do to him, obviously, but it’s a different thing entirely to find out that your ex is involved in something like that. like there are MILES from “my partner makes me feel like shit and is maybe pretty abusive” and “my partner is like 3rd on the call list of a eugenics group that treats women like test subjects”
like, scully was right, diana was monitoring MUFON women and collecting data on them. she was heading up the tests on cassandra. she probably knew the truth about samantha the whole time. just nasty nasty shit.
she’s the villain in the amor fati dream: the dismissive symbol of abandonment that offers another path.
one of the most interesting scenes of diana’s character to me, is in the sixth extinction, when she comes to see mulder in the hospital. and she knows what the effects of the artifact are, that he can hear what she’s thinking. that, therefore, he knows who she works for and what she’s doing. (imagine your ex-husband/wannabe boyfriend/obsession finds out you’re lying to him because he can read your mind….shit is crazy!)
and she tells him that she knows he knows. but that he also knows that she loves him.
and she does love him. there’s no reason to lie about that then, she knows he would be able to tell.
scully knows it without hearing it, that’s how she gets diana to save mulder’s life, ultimately. she comes to her and begs. tells her to please just think of him, who he is, who he was when she met him, who he is now. in the end, because of scully weaponizing how diana feels, diana can’t go through with it. she gives her life to help him.
diana seems to be one of those influences on mulder that’s only really all that significant when she’s close by. it’s like how all the tension in the beginning builds up to him getting in her car when she tells him to, leaving scully, when diana is there instructing him.
i think being able to know who she truly was and her true intentions and allegiances, prior to her death, really goes a long way in the way he responds to losing her.
don’t get me wrong, i think he’s upset. you can kind of see the shock cross his face when scully tells him. but he stays focused on his goal, which is to express to scully how important she is to him, in the wake of how discarded diana always made her feel.
mulder loved diana and grieves that she was killed, he doesn’t have it in him not to, but mostly he…wanted something from her, right? he wanted that approval and “affection” and to please her. he wanted her to believe him. the first thing that she says to disarm him (in the end) when she can tell he’s uneasy, is, “hey. i’m on your side.”
learning who she really is, it’s easier not to crave her approval so badly.
(this is the crux of amor fati’s “last temptation.” it’s diana saying: you’re childish. you are going to fail. your path is not your own. “you have to let go, fox.” and it’s scully countering: we need you. this is who you are.)
(it’s why he responds in the end by telling scully that it’s her that’s the voice of truth.)
and then in death, diana’s not…there for him to want anything from!! so it’s like, again, yeah he obviously feels the loss, this was someone who meant a lot to him for over a decade. but also it’s likeeeeee freeing in a way? it makes things simpler in a way? (he’s able to communicate all of that to scully instantly after hearing diana is gone, after over a year of the tension hanging around it)
if you asked him about diana now, or even a year later, i think he’d be like…damn that’s crazy! 😭😭 mulder doesn’t have an awful lot of object permanence you guys sjdjsjfj
when scully comes to tell mulder that diana was killed, and he says to her, “you were my friend, and you told me the truth,” the language matters so much. that’s what scully called diana, “i know she was your friend,” and he turns it back onto her. you were my friend. you told me the truth.
in my opinion, it’s not that he doesn’t love and grieve diana, but that there’s a freedom in knowing the truth. knowing who someone is, and their intentions. knowing who has your best interest at heart. knowing where you stand in the world, what you want to do.
that’s really what allows for the openness and lightness of s7, in the wake of diana’s absence. mulder’s always seeking, always learning.
#in a lot of ways diana knows mulder sooo well#like her mannerisms and every little word and phrase are so carefully chosen#like that moment in ‘the end’ when she says she’s on his side and takes his hand#her VERY first line on the show is telling a room full of people that she thinks mulder is right. that she believes him.#something she continues to enforce when she needs to#i was just looking at ‘the beginning’ and the way that when he kinda doesn’t trust her after she took over the x-files#and they find her outside#she says ‘fox. i’m going to get out of the car. i’m alone. alright?’#like she communicates with him in a way where like….if she had good intentions it would be exactly how to help/calm him#but because she DOESNT it’s EXACTLY how to have him eating out of the palm of her hand#very interesting character very vile woman#anyway idk i think there’s something very ‘good for him!’ esque about how quickly he moves on from her 💀#i think he’s able to for all the reasons i cited here about knowing what she’s doing and who she is#but mulder is sooooo easily wrapped up in trying to please someone or trying to help someone and getting in a shit situation#and that controls so much of their lives for so long#and i was trying to think about it and i feel like diana’s death kinda is the last time that he’s so trapped in that!#he still does it on a smaller extent ofc but it’s less about the person more the situation after diana if i recall#asks#amor fati#diana
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cuteniaarts · 23 days
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@katkastrofa, circa 40-ish hours ago: Hey, what if our newest bunch of OCs adopted a baby from one of the other brothel girls who knew she couldn’t afford to raise one? That would make for some fun shenanigans :D
Me, with a notoriously non existent sleep schedule, instinct of self preservation or concern for my poor wrist: Alright, bet. Watch how fast I can make you fall in love with this hypothetical baby >:)
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Daneli as a gentle and loving caretaker-turned-adoptive-mother is something that can be So Personal, actually, and originally I was going to leave it at this quick sketch, but then I got carried away thinking about what this child will grow up to be like raised by this little gang of misfits, so…
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Here she is!! A little older and so, so beautiful, I need more of her in my life immediately, she’s way too precious
And, because I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t also add a sapphic element to this absolute cinnamon roll, a small crack ship that I’m only half serious about for when she’s a little older still:
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All in all, we may be getting impossibly far from canon, but I for one already cannot get enough of sweet darling Kumisai <3
(I fully drew three pieces from scratch in 9 hours I cannot feel my brain or my hands anymore send help)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#jinora#wow. nia drew a canon character? what is this?? who was I replaced by???#but joking aside. a small explanation for this crack ship#originally it was me editing my timeline and realising that Kumisai would be around 14/15 during book 4. the same age as Jinora#so my mind immediately went 👀👀👀 and I decided to go for it#since in sotrl I sorta implied Jinora had a gay awakening by watching Suiren. so.. why not go all out and make her another baby queer?#no offence to Kai. what they had was rather cute tbh. but it felt kinda out of nowhere and just added for the sake of parental drama#plus she was a young girl meeting someone her age for the first time. of course she got a crush#doesn’t mean she has to stick with it you know?#anyway. as for how they would meet. Midori could introduce them :D#Kumisai is Daneli’s daughter. who’s a friend of Summiya’s. who’s Zaheer’s sister. who’s Midori’s uncle. who’s friends with Jinora#and spirits know Jinora deserves to act her age a little more often. she has way too many responsibilities on her shoulders#so maybe Midori would think that a friend her age would do her some good#and don’t even try to tell me these two wouldn’t be absolutely adorable puppy crushing on each other. look how cute Jinora turned out here#might be the first time I’ve drawn her? not sure. maybe I did before but it was A LONG time ago. 2019 ish#but okay. enough rambling about Jinora. back to Kumisai#I don’t really have too many headcanons about her yet. but she’s probably rather happy and carefree#having a large support system as a result of being raised communally#I think she considers Daneli her mom and the others are her aunties. auntie Shezan in particular is a notoriously bad influence :)#and maybe one day she’d get to meet her bio mom. but only if that’s something both of them want. not sure yet#I feel like she’s rather disconnected from her water tribe heritage since everyone around her is Earth Kingdom. save Phailin who’s half FN#but she still has small hints of blue in her clothing. the colour matching her beautiful eyes. maybe she is curious about her bio dad a bit#since unlike with her bio mom no one knew him and can’t tell her anything. that’s bound to come as a natural curiosity at some point right?#maybe that can be part of her story when she’s an adult. trying to find her bio dad. but ultimately it doesn’t matter that much#because Daneli is her mom and the only parent she needs <3 I’m really just throwing out suggestions here to fill the tag space#kaaatttt come discuss all this stuff with me I waited all night for you to wake up >:) distract me from my grandma’s tv watching
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toastsnaffler · 4 months
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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oops almost considered talking with mom about the way she tells me my short comings and how that impacts me, forgetting she told me she’s not interested in changing
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neverendingford · 7 months
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#tag talk#anytime my friends point out that something I say is good advice or express that they see me as aspirational I'm always just like....#wtf how am I am example to look up to I'm just an idiot bumbling his way through life trying to avoid hitting her head on cabinet corners#honestly it's mostly just seeing mistakes others have made and going “I will not make those mistakes. I will make weirder mistakes than that#like. it feels a little like the “I'm eighty years old I'm done with putting up with everyone's bullshit” except it's#it's “I didn't kill myself so I'm not gonna put up with bullshit anymore”#like. I chose life. I'm not about to half-ass that decision. I'm not gonna walk back that decision. I'm not going to flinch away from it.#that fuckin... “what do we have to fear but fear itself” quote or whatever. like.. I died. you think anything else is gonna scare me?#if I'm going to be stuck here on this planet you bet your ass I'm gonna make the most of it. I'm not gonna be embarrassed. no shame.#we're all living here until we die and the things that matter are your own life and then the people around you.#I'm not going to miss out on a chance to find community and connection just because I'm afraid. I'm done being afraid.#though... I have been feeling shrimp emotions for the past two weeks and my stomach has tied itself up in knots over it.#I'm so detached because I'm afraid of feeling my emotions too strongly. so letting go and experiencing emotions is a lot for me.#and agghfffgghh I'm going to make it through this I'm going to make it through this but damn it's really rough#allowing yourself to get close to someone again after solidifying your position as unassailable is so hard.#especially because I've gotten so used to shielding the emotions of other people. hard to be honest when your honesty will hurt them#it's wild being around someone who's not wildly insecure because I can be genuine and honest and not worry about what I say hurting her.#I could say “I'm leaving in a year do you still want to date?” and trust that she would actually think it through and give a reliable answer#like. I can handle just my emotions because she's able to handle hers.#being in mental health spaces for so long I'm not used to interacting with emotionally stable people lmaooo#do you think I'm emotionally stable? I don't think I am. but then I meet other people who are wildly more unstable than I am and hmmm#like. sui wasn't an emotional choice it was a cost benefit analysis. I get emotionally unstable sure. but I contain myself until it's over.#I know enough to not be impulsive because I recognize impulsive behavior in others and thus in myself as well.#so like. I'm unstable but I'm not externally unstable. I know how to isolate when I'm in a wounded lashing out state.#anyway I've been processing so many emotions this past week because I'm wildly out of practice with allowing myself emotional honesty#instead of just bricking myself up behind my defensive apathy. I want to hold onto this. I want to continue to channel these emotions.#I want to be unafraid to tell people when I love them#though with her it's more of a Nerevarine situation. you are not someone I love but rather someone who might become that.#like. I haven't known her long enough to really say I love. but I very much think if things continue how they are I will be confident in it#and not even romantic love per se. I have some old friends who I genuinely love. several siblings who I love. most people I know I do not.
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savage-rhi · 1 year
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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hungry-hobbits · 2 years
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it genuinely sucks that i'll be like "hey i wish you would take the fact that i occupy this particular space more often than you do when you're organizing it" and my mom will think i'm being like hateful and disrespectful
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cryptidcalling · 2 years
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Literally only using Disney Plus to watch Bluey. Talking about all my feelings in the tags (sorry, I didn't realize it would get so long)
#I freakin love this showwww like it's just so simple and wholesome and sweet#I love how the family feels like a real family but theyre still all so loving and kind#I love how it shows that sometimes parents make mistakes and its important to encourage your kids to communicate their boundaries#I love how bandit is always trying to teach them life lessons in fun ways and even if he doesn't really succeed still loves just having fun#I love the complete lack of gender stereotyping#I love how much I can relate to bluey and bingo even as a college student#I can see mu own childhood struggles so clearly in them#especially the way Bluey wants to have control over games and has a hard time explaining why it's important for her for things to be a-#-certain way. The show never belittles her for wanting things to go her way or disregards her upset feelings.#Instead it just shows ways for compromises to be made or ways for her to feel comfortable going through new experiences#I used to feel so humiliated and guilty as a child because of just... the way i was. I suspect now that I have ADHD but at the time#I had no idea. And I'd have these big reactions to things as a kid and even when I calmed down i would#feel the need to keep pretending to be feeling those big feelings because I knew if I stopped an adult would tease me about how it clearly#wasnt a big deal. And no. I know it wasn't now. But at the time I still was having these big feelings as if it was a big deal.#And my parents did find compromises. I would get really upset when I was told to leave somewhere immediately but with a 5 minute heads up I#would be perfectly fine. Being told to clean up immediately was upsetting but saying 'after dinner you need to clean' was easy#So on and so forth. But even with those compromises those big feelings still became a source of humiliation. I didn't realize how long it#stuck with me until I was 16 and I cried in front of my parents for the first time in YEARS bc my permit was going to expire and I didn't#know what to do. And I was so ashamed and humiliated and I was expecting them to make fun of me and call me dramatic like they did when I#was little. Even when they didn't I was still scared. I had to ask my dad directly if he thought I only cried to get my way.#He said that he didn't think that and that's the only reason I started to feel better about it.#And lets make it clear; my parents were never ever ever trying to hurt or upset me. It was all just meant to be teasing.#But it stuck with me for SO LONG even when it was all supposed to be harmless. They're amazing parents.#And watching Bluey really warms my heart because Bandit and Chili never go out of their way to make their kids feel-#embarrassed about their big feelings. You have the big feeling until its done and then you keep on going.#Such an absolutely wonderful show.
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avibero · 1 year
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esleep · 1 year
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i actually do kinda like delivering groceries on the side because it gives me such a unique cross-section of the community. i never know whose groceries im shopping for until i finish the delivery and see them/their home and it's like it adds more detail to the picture of who they are. the baby supplies going to the apartment that i know for a fact is one bedroom (they'll be moving soon - i bet they're apartment hunting, i hope they find a place). the new cat litter box, bowl, and kitten food going to the house covered in "i <3 my dog" paraphernalia (a kitten definitely showed up on the porch recently and made itself at home). the fairly healthy boring grocery order that includes an incongruous tub of candy-filled ice cream going to the home of an elderly woman with toddler toys in the yard (it's clearly for her grandkids, whom she sees often).
shopping for someone else's groceries is a fairly intimate thing. i've bought condoms and pregnancy tests, allergy medicine and nyquil, baby benadryl and teething gel, a huge pile of veggies paired with an equally huge pile of junk food, tampons and shampoo and closet organizers and ant traps and deodorizing shoe inserts and a million other little things that tell a million different stories in their endless combinations. one time someone had me buy one single green bean. i messaged them to confirm that's actually what they wanted, and they said yes - neither of them liked green beans very much, but they had a baby they were introducing to solid foods, and they wanted to let him try one to see if he liked them. another time i had someone request 50 fresh roma tomatoes - not for a restaurant, but for a person in an apartment. the kitchen behind them smelled like basil and garlic when they opened the door. another time i brought groceries to three elderly blind women who share a house. that was one of the few times i have ever broken my rule and gone inside a place i've delivered to, because they asked if i could place the grocery bags in a specific location in the kitchen for them to work on unloading and there was no way i was going to refuse helping.
i gripe about the poor tippers, but people can also be incredibly kind. one time i took shelter from a sudden vicious hailstorm inside an older lady's home in a trailer park, while i was in the middle of delivering her groceries. we both huddled just inside the door, watching in shock as golf-ball-sized hail swept through for about five minutes and then disappeared. she handed me an extra $10 bill on my way out the door.
when covid was at its deadliest, people would leave extra (often lysol-scented) cash tips and thank-you notes for me taped to the door or partially under the mat. i especially loved the clearly kid-drawn thank you notes with marker renderings of blobby people in masks, or trees, or rainbows. in summer of 2020 i delivered to a nice older couple who lived outside of town in the hills, and they insisted i take a huge double handful of extra disposable gloves and masks to wear while shopping - those were hard to find in stores at the time, but they wanted me to have some of their supply and wouldn't take no for an answer.
anyway. all this to say people are mostly good, or at least trying to be, despite my complaints.
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ketchuppee · 11 months
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During the 2008 recession, my aunt lost her job. Her, her partner, and my three cousins moved across the country to stay with us while they got back on their feet. My house turned from a family of four to a family of nine overnight, complete with three dogs and five cats between us.
It took a few years for them to get a place of their own, but after a few rentals and apartments, they now own a split level ranch in a town nearby. I’ve lost track of how many coworkers and friends have stayed with them when they were in a tight spot. A mother and son getting out of an abusive relationship, a divorcee trying to stay local for his kids while they work out a custody agreement, you name it. My aunt and uncle knew first hand what that kindness meant, and always find space for someone who needed it, the way my parents had for them.
That same aunt and uncle visited me in [redacted] city last year. They are prolific drinkers, so we spent most of the day bar hopping. As we wandered the city, any time we passed a homeless person, my uncle would pull out a fresh cigarette and ask them if they had a light. Regardless of if they had a lighter on hand or not, he offered them a few bucks in exchange, which he explained to me after was because he felt it would be easier for them to accept in exchange for a service, no matter how small.
I work for a company that produces a lot of fabric waste. Every few weeks, I bring two big black trash bags full of discarded material over to a woman who works down the hall. She distributes them to local churches, quilting clubs, and teachers who can use them for crafts. She’s currently in the process of working with our building to set up a recycling program for the smaller pieces of fabric that are harder to find use for.
One of my best friends gives monthly donations to four or five local organizations. She’s fortunate enough to have a tech job that gives her a good salary, and she knows that a recurring donation is more valuable to a non-profit because they can rely on that money month after month, and can plan ways to stretch that dollar for maximum impact. One of those organizations is a native plant trust, and once she’s out of her apartment complex and in a home with a yard, she has plans to convert it into a haven of local flora.
My partner works for a company that is working to help regulate crypto and hold the current bad actors in the space accountable for their actions. We unfortunately live in a time where technology develops far too fast for bureaucracy to keep up with, but just because people use a technology for ill gain doesn’t mean the technology itself is bad. The blockchain is something that she finds fascinating and powerful, and she is using her degree and her expertise to turn it into a tool for good.
I knew someone who always had a bag of treats in their purse, on the odd chance they came across a stray cat or dog, they had something to offer them.
I follow artists who post about every local election they know of, because they know their platform gives them more reach than the average person, and that they can leverage that platform to encourage people to vote in elections that get less attention, but in many ways have more impact on the direction our country is going to go.
All of this to say, there’s more than one way to do good in the world. Social media leads us to believe that the loudest, the most vocal, the most prolific poster is the most virtuous, but they are only a piece of the puzzle. (And if virtue for virtues sake is your end goal, you’ve already lost, but that’s a different post). Community is built of people leveraging their privileges to help those without them. We need people doing all of those things and more, because no individual can or should do all of it. You would be stretched too thin, your efforts valiant, but less effective in your ambition.
None of this is to encourage inaction. Identify your unique strengths, skills, and privileges, and put them to use. Determine what causes are important to you, and commit to doing what you can to help them. Collective action is how change is made, but don’t forget that we need diversity in actions taken.
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