#when im still not in the greatest place mentally

[quasieli]

Love that my father doesn't remember I exist until he needs something from me.

[stuffeddeer]

i just wanna hug dazai all the time randomly (i never get hugs at home) and if he were to hug me i would cry (a little)

i also feel likes his hugs would feel so so safe warm and comforting

(could i please be 🌹 anon?)

im collecting more anons like Pokémon omg YES you are in my Pokédex now hiiii 🌹anon sorry this took so long (like every rq oops!)

i included platonic hcs at the end as well bc why not

cw: dazai-standard suicide mention, i use the word vomit once ?

Hugging Dazai catches him off guard. Or it used to, you had found - randomly jumping on top of him throughout the day whenever you'd see him. It started sporadically and became more frequent, which led to Dazai becoming more prepared. He'd tense up as you entered a room, ready for you to pounce.

It started as a playful bit, knowing Dazai tended to short circuit when given affection. You'd seen it multiple times with Atsushi, the lovable boy having no clue why Dazai would panic a little when randomly given flowers that one time, or why he was so surprised when Atsushi spared a few kind words. It was little things, things Dazai clearly wasn't used to, and it always made you smile.

So of course, you wanted to do the same.

The first time he nearly pushed you off of him, choosing instead to hold his hands up like you were some cop trying to take him down. The second he'd merely frozen, breath baited as he waited for you to let go. By the third, he was able to brush it off with an awkward laugh, and the more it happened the more he was able to respond with a joke or the like. But you never missed the way his whole body seemed to pause for a moment.

Of course, once you noticed he was mentally and physically preparing before you even did it, you started to think you might've pushed too hard. Was he uncomfortable? Was he unsure of how to ask you to stop? It made you feel guilty, especially when he started flinching when you entered the room, knowing what was coming next.

You stopped.

It wasn't like it was hard, and the guilt eating at you was much worse. Dazai wasn't the only touch starved one, but you'd not-so happily give up the brief second of hug you got when seeing Dazai in favor of him feeling safe around you, as well as keeping your friendship alive.

It was hard at first, arms moving up slightly on instinct as you had to constantly remind yourself to stop. After maybe a week of no more hugging, you finally felt relieved - everything was back to normal. Dazai wouldn't freeze when you walked into a room, your hands wouldn't twitch as though trying to reach out for him.... Everything was normal.

Except Dazai, again.

Something was off, you could tell. While everyone gets confused sometimes, watching Dazai of all people furrow his brows and look away from you was almost scary. One of the greatest geniuses in Yokohama was confused by something - by you. Nothing had changed, had it? Maybe he was confused by why the hugs stopped, but you're sure he's smart enough to realize that on his own. You didn't want him to feel uncomfortable around you, that's all.

It didn't take long for the confusion to turn to veiled fear. He hid it well, you being none the wiser - but Dazai couldn't help the anxiety that grew around you. It wasn't like you were avoiding him, you still acted the exact same. You just kept your hands behind your back and made sure to maintain distance.

But that's what scared Dazai - the distance. The worry and fear he felt stemmed from the reason why; why had you stopped in the first place? All he could think of was that you finally figured out his secret. Dazai has a huge crush on you.

He’d always tensed up when you hugged him, feeling his heart rate far from his usual controlled pace and instead beating quicker than he could’ve imagined. Something so small and normal as a hug left him breathless when it came from you, and his greatest fear was that you felt the harsh thrumming of his heart and decided to stop. If you knew his secret, then this surely is you rejecting him.

The thought makes Dazai nervous. Being rejected is normal for him, never one to shy away from shooting his shot. Asking any person with a pulse to kill themselves with him left the brunet very accustomed to the response of “no.” Even being yelled at or hit by some unruly people was something he accepted with a smile, but the thought of you politely turning him down made his chest ache.

You stopped hugging him. Surely you didn’t feel the same.

Dazai understands he is an attractive person, both in looks and personality, and he’s more than used to leveraging these factors in his favor. Just a few weeks ago, he 100% was sure that you had a crush on him, a huge one at that, and he quite enjoyed toying with you every now and again when work days would drag on. But now, he couldn’t tell left from right. Daily hugs to quitting cold turkey made him so nervous, knowing you must be too uncomfortable to even touch him anymore let alone hug him.

That’s fine. He’s fine with that. People changing their minds about him, people leaving - Dazai is used to that. You deciding you don’t like him anymore (maybe just the attention he gave before rather than crushing on him specifically?) and moving on when you realized he likes you instead is fine. It’s fine.

Yet he still finds himself frowning in your direction when you aren’t looking. Nervousness is annoying, but he was hoping it’d lead him away from you. Still, however, Dazai finds himself following you with his eyes whenever you so much as re-situate yourself in a chair. He can’t help but silently beg for you to come over to him, even though he knows he’d nearly vomit if you did. How annoying.

Of course, sitting across from each other for lunch isn’t conducive for moving on and staying away from you, but you happened to stumble upon the brunet and his bespectacled coworker at the cafe and got an invitation from the latter. “I have to get back to work. Mind making sure Dazai doesn’t do anything too drastic again?” Kunikida had said to you, to which you kindly agreed - how could you have said no?

Dazai wishes you did, every brush of his knee against yours making him lose more and more of his appetite. With Kunikida gone, after a few beats of silence, you let out a sigh. “Sorry. I’ll leave you to it, okay? Good luck at work.” Just as you stand up to leave, Dazai - stupid, stupid Dazai - grabs your arm.

The action causes you to cock your head, confused as he grabs you. The face makes him quickly let go, grabbing his mug of tea instead so his hands don’t reach out again. “You’ve been avoiding me,” he starts, deciding to just get it out of his system. Maybe if you rejected him to his face, he could move on. “No more… hugs and stuff.”

Slowly, you slide back into the booth seat, a solemn look on your face. “Yeah.”

“Yeah,” he murmurs into the mug, not wanting to make eye contact. What does “yeah” even mean? Is this your way of saying you know? You know he knows?

“Um, well, I know you don’t really like affection. I know you aren’t used to it, I should say. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry for continuing for so long,” you finally apologize, the guilt that built up over time washing away finally.

“No, no,” he starts, turning to look at you rather than his mug. “Uncomfortable? You thought I didn’t like it?”

You deadpan, unamused. “Dazai, you used to tense up when I entered a room and I saw you flinch a few times when I got close.” Slowly, your expression turns, no longer unamused. “I’m not that stupid, man…” A small chuckle punctuates your last sentence.

Of course that’s what you took away from it. Dazai feels like an idiot, so worried that you might have realized his secret that he didn’t even pay attention to what was in front of him. You stopped for him, of course! Because you still like him. He’s sure of it, knowing you stopped something that clearly made you happy just for his comfort.

“Thank god,” he sighs in relief, causing you to raise an eyebrow.

“..? Did you actually think I was that stupid?”

“No, you idiot - I thought you were rejecting me. You still like me, that’s perfect.”

You fluster at Dazai’s words, eyes widening at the bluntness of it all. “Wh-what?! How is that what you got from what I said?”

He only grins in response, the bandaged man leaning forward over his teacup to reach you. Dazai was never one to explain what was in his mind, leaving you confused and flustered across from him. “It’s okay, pretty - I feel the same,” he whispers into your ear, only so he can watch as you shiver at the feeling of his breath against it. After pulling back, his smug grin only grows. “I thought you were avoiding me because you found out.”

Staring at him, you wonder why it is that you like him. At least now you can go back to hugging him all the time.

platonic hugging Dazai hcs 😽

like above, he's caught off guard at first

but then he decides to return the favor >:)

dazai will try and catch you off guard with a hug and it quickly turns into high stakes tag

the two of you immediately make eye contact when you're in the same room, and actively RUN from each other so the other can't hug first

high stakes tag. dazai jumped off a roof to catch you off guard one time. now he isn't allowed roof access at the ada 🙂‍↕️

he can still jump from the windows

it hits a point where everyone Around you is nervous. you two have vaulted over tables and everything it's scary

rooms will empty if the both of you are in one

dazai is definitely winning sorry! he feels it in his bones when you're about to arrive and hides behind doors to jump out at you 🙂‍↕️

[anemoiashifts]

how to enjoy shifting again & recover from burn out.

its always about the process & never the outcome.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ mindset.

so what you didn’t shift ? shifting isn’t going away. you have an infinite amount of chances to shift & the greatest part is you only have to do it once “right”. you only have to get to your dr once & show yourself that you’re capable. prove the existence of shifting to yourself.

if you didn’t shift & say something like “i hate that im still in this reality”, try flipping it to “the universe has more to show me in this reality so that i can have the tools to cope & enter my desired reality with more knowledge & insight”. every time you open an app like tiktok or tumblr you’re being exposed to new information which can be draining at times (all in moderation) but knowledge is power. knowing & exposure to information — different perspectives — can be eye opening. you’re also getting time. time to think about where you’re shifting to, to learn to put trust into yourself.

for those of you who have been trying to shift since 2020, what parts of life & lessons would you have missed out on if you had shifted on the first time trying ? the universe has more to show you & is teaching you patience.

the universe or god or even yourself — whatever you believe in — is “preventing” you from shifting for a reason. & guess what ? you’ll come out of it a more fulfilled & experienced person. the universe knows what’s best for you. when you don’t get what you want it’s because the universe has something better for you coming.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ reflect.

would it have been good or healthy for you if you shifted to your first dr. think about the things you’ve scripted. would you really want that life or do you like the just thinking about it ?

reflect on your journey. look at your scripts & knowledge & everything you have come to know since discovering shifting. compare your mindset & journey & your knowledge from then to now.

are you in a better place mentally ? yes ? no ? if not, how can you get there.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ routine & self.

create the routine your desired reality self has. what would she wake up & think everyday ? would she go to the gym & workout or shower ? what would her day to day look like ?

we must become out dr self internally before we can see things begin to materialize in the physical.

fall in love with the process. get excited about falling into those same patterns & routines & aligning with your higher, desired reality self. become her. expect what she expects.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ find the beauty in life.

if you shift, you shift. if you don’t, you don’t. im not saying that you cannot care but be okay with waking up where you fell asleep. don’t put all your eggs in one basket & care about life here. why don’t you care about yourself here but worship your dr self ? it’s still you. it’s still your life. both are you. what’s the difference between the two of you ? nothing because your dr self is you. give yourself room for error & don’t beat yourself up over it. learn how to speak kindly to yourself. go outside on a walk & pick out three beautiful things in nature.

♡ balance.

find balance in life. create a healthy mindset & positive patterns. there is no need to obsess over shifting because everything will work out for you in the end. if you truly believe you will shift one day, then there’s no need to stress because you know the outcome already. you don’t need to think about how you get from a to b. what you need to think about is your worldview & how your thoughts & system of beliefs shape you & ask yourself “are they serving me”? you have time in this reality , how can you not be miserable ? how can you make life here more enjoyable ?

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ cutting out things that don’t serve you.

somethings demotivating ? block or mute it. don’t like a method you’ve tried ? you aren’t tied to it. how about a piece of 2020 shiftok advice ? why are you letting someone’s expense have such a chokehold on you. just because it helped them at the time doesn’t mean it will help you. everyone learns differently.

there is no reason to be torturing yourself & putting your valuable time into holding onto things that don’t help you. there is no reason you should be so hellbent on shifting being this & not that. who cares what other people think shifting is ? all that matters is what you believe in to be because it benefits you. fighting someone in a comment section benefits nobody. stop disturbing other people’s journeys & putting unnecessary strain on the community. we all believe in shifting. we all should be supportive of each other, no matter what they believe shifting to be. you could be learning a lot from one another. knowledge is power. learn to appreciate other perspectives & outlooks & their insight. don’t be so quick to dismiss.

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

♡ get excited.

start watching new shows so you can find new places to shift to. make playlists based on your dr. make scripts. make those paper mâché wands people made in 2020 if you’re shifting to harry potter. you’re allowed to get excited. you’re allowed to make it new & fun again. you can make a change for the better anytime. it’s never to late to start over & if restarting your journey from square one will help you then do it. literally adapt the mindset that this is the first time you’ve ever seen shifting on your feed right now. if this was the first video or post you’ve seen in shifting , how would that have shaped your perception of it ?

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

[fckbatmanhiskidsareminenow]

Kill me slowly, Baby you know I don’t fucking mind

warnings: vent fic about illness, mildly graphic depictions/imagery of physical and mental illness

tim drake centric

title: life waster by corpse (don’t look at me ok im embarrassed)

word count: 912

beta read and edited by the lovely @vespertilionis

Do not cry. Do not cry.

That’s all Tim can tell himself as he stiffly walks back to his car. He knows how this is going to go, he’s not too sure why he got his hopes up. He feels like an idiot.

Finally, in the safety of his car, he actually looks down at the referrals he has been given. One for a CT scan and the other for an overabundance of blood tests. He didn’t ask for either. All he wanted was a referral to see an ENT, but the doctor hadn’t even looked at him before she started talking over him and suggesting other ideas.

There’s a few things we can do before you see an ENT. It’s been a year since he started feeling like this. All he wanted was to see a specialist, someone who would know what was wrong.

It’s probably not what you think it is. Probably?

You’re crazy, nothing is wrong with you.

Nothing is wrong.

Nothingiswrongnothingiswrongnothingiswrong

He throws the referrals across the car before slamming his fist into the steering wheel and letting out the loudest scream he could.

It peters off into a sob when he realises he can’t hear anything. Well, anything but a high ringing. He sits there hyperventilating in his own version of silence.

He calls the CT place while driving, desperately trying to sound like he hasn’t been crying. He almost breaks down when the receptionist mentions he had the same test done around this time last year.

As he pulls into the driveway of the manor, he takes a moment to calm down. Firstly, because he doesn’t want to talk about it, and secondly, because he feels guilty for being upset. At least the doctor was running tests. Sure, she didn’t really listen to him and suggested tests for allergies and anemia, which he is sure he didn’t have, but she still decided to do tests. Other people have been sick for years and don’t have doctors listen to them, so he should be grateful.

Maybe she doesn’t think he’s crazy.

He tries not to think about the fact that if the CT scan comes back and shows his sinuses blocked, the doctor might put him on his fourth round of antibiotics. Even after the other three rounds have completely tanked his immune system. Or that if the blood tests show he is anemic, she might focus on that instead of the actual problem. Like the horrible constant congestion that makes him feel like his brain is being compressed into a liquid that’s going to explode out of his ears and nose. Or that if he does have the disease he thinks he does, he might lose his hearing. He really doesn’t want to think about that part.

When he enters the manor, he heads straight for the cave. He’s hoping for the perfectly healthy distraction of vigilantism. His hopes are immediately crushed when Bruce turns to him and asks him how the appointment went.

“Oh, uh, it went ok. We’re redoing some of the tests we did last year,” he says awkwardly, wishing for once Bruce would notice he didn’t want to talk about it. Once again, his wishes go unheard as the older man just looks concerned.

“You don’t seem too happy about that.”

No shit, man, no clue how you got the title of world’s greatest detective.

He tries to push away the resurfacing anger by laughing, but it comes out wrong.

“Yeah well, last time the results didn’t really get us anywhere. So, I was kinda hoping she would try something else.” Another laugh. Bruce nods and turns away. Either he finally got the hint or doesn’t know where to go with Tim’s response.

Relieved that the conversation is finally over, he starts heading to the computer when he hears Jason scoff.

“Ya know what I think you need? Some concrete to harden you up.”

Harden you up. Fucking whiny baby.

Harden you up. Ungrateful child.

Harden you up. Nothings wrong with you Tim, you’re out of your mind.

Tim stops in his tracks and turns his head slowly to face the older boy.

“What?” he says coldly, causing Jason to raise his hands in surrender.

“Hey! I was just joking with you.” he laughs, and Tim’s eye twitches.

“No, explain it to me, so I can understand how it was supposed to be funny.” He can feel the anger rising again. Jason lowers his arms, looking guilty for his ‘joke’, but Tim couldn’t care less.

“I just meant that you complain a lot. It’s kinda miserable.” He answers, sounding defeated, but again Tim couldn’t care less.

“Why do you think that is Jason? Do you think I’m complaining because it’s fun?” “No—“ “No! I’m not! I am fucking miserable! I’m exhausted and dizzy and I feel like my brain is rotting in my skull! And I’m sick of people not listening to me and thinking I’m fucking CRAZY!”

His throat hurts from screaming. He’s hyperventilating again, but he can’t hear it over the sound of the ringing again. It hurts. He shakes his head to try and clear it, but it just makes the world spin around him. A hand reaches out to steady him but he pushes it away.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” God, his voice is always so much louder when his ears are blocked.

He stumbles up the stairs, knowing he’s probably stomping, but he can’t hear that either.

[fortloser]

Hello again! Sooo kinda a personal question but what was yalls childhoods like?

(Also, hope u feel better snipes!)

-Terror

Hallo everyone! I finally got my hands on those portraits! Now most of the others became rather uncomfortable when I started questioning them about their youths. I got answers ranging from “why are you so bloody intrested in how im doing! There’s nothing special about me or my childhood, now bugger off.” to more reasonable explanations. I tried calling Scout on his cellular device but he seemed very preoccupied. Oh well, he’ll get back to you on that, onto the testimonies! Brace yourself friends this will be somewhat lengthy.

I first approached herr Demo, and getting him to open up was fairly easy. His favorite alcoholic beverage and a snack did the trick!

“ It must be me birthday if yer spoiling me rotten doc, I guess I can share something about me youth if yer willing to lend an ear. I grew up in Glencoe Scotland, a great place if you like trails and hiking. Me mum and dad were professional monster hunters and me being the wee little lad that I was wanted to impress em with the greatest catch any child could give their parents, the Loch Ness monster! I did it all on me own but it came at a cost,,”

After that herr demo just stared off in the distance and I made a mental note to ask him more about that later, The Engineer was also very open about his youth! I came to him shortly after dinner knowing he would be busying himself with one of his long-term projects and would enjoy some company, his leg was still a little stiff from a rather nasty fall and so movement was difficult at times. He was more than happy to talk while I assisted.

“Luckenbach Texas, everybody is somebody there. It was recently bought by a goat farmer. Can you believe that? He called himself an Imagineer and after that, a bunch of hillbilly musicians started moving in. Can't complain though, It breathed new life into my home, I hated going back and seeing the state it was in. My mom and pop own a small pig farm there, and I still try to visit though unlike my good-for-nothing twin with his stupid fancy job at “NASA”,,

I don't think I should share his personal frustration about his twin with the public so let's move on, yes? The next day I approached Heavy, he was last on my list and seemingly already aware of me interrogating the entire team, and as he was cleaning his minigun he told me to take a seat.

“You want to know about heavy, Da? Then I will tell you about heavy. Grew up in big town near mountain, you would not know it. Had big family, many sisters and brothers but Heavy was oldest. Family was poor but happy, loved summer, snow would melt and grass and flowers would show, heavy likes this. Went to good school had many friends, now heavy works to give family same life. Doctor is happy  with answer?”

I was surprised he was so willing to talk about his youth, I politely thanked him and left to prepare for that day's battle, I suppose that only leaves me left.

I was born in Germany, my mother was German and my father was Dutch and they both moved to Germany so my mother could be close to her family, he was a watchmaker and she was an artist, this relationship did not last and they got divorced. My motherstayed in germany allowing my father to raise me on his own back in the netherlands. I spent a lot of time in my father's workshop while he was trying to fix up old clocks. I didn't have many friends but who needs them when you have books and wildlife to observe? I excelled in all of my studies and pursued medicine, and eventually ended up here writing to you after I just finished up patching the last of my colleagues.

Stay healthy

With kind regards medic

[feathers-feathers]

Bug Fables' deep lore is engaging in open warfare with my mental helath i swear to GOD I CAnt figure this tHE FUCK OUT IM GOING INSANE

Context: I'm trying to make a timeline. Bug fables took this personally.

The big question here that got me to break is what the fuck is the deal with Flower Gods? So I was writing an essay of sorts to try and figure it out as I go, then clean it up and post it when I came to a few satisfying conclusions, and maybe make a poll to see what others would prefer.

I have now lost at least a decade of my lifespan, and will be seeking reparations in the court of law. I'll post what I wrote below the cut, just be aware that it's not finished, will not be finished if I have a gun to my head, and jumps places every now and then because that's just how I roll in the drafting stage.

I hope to all the gods above that some of you can find sense where I have failed.

Beware: Here be dragons. (Also, it's quite long.)

BEGIN

Currently doing timeline shenanigans with Bug Fables. I learned something in the lore that will have a major impact in how that timeline manifests. The problem is that this lore detail isn't exactly straight-forward, and has multiple interpretations. I'd like to see some other thoughts on this matter before I make a decision. The lore in question is regarding the creation of the Flower Gods.

A reminder: There is a secret room in Snakemouth Den that displays information regarding the 3 Flower Gods. Prior to seeing this room, most I think didn't even know there were 3 - only knowing of Venus at the time. The other two are Mars and Pluto. These displays tell us a few things. Some information on the gods themselves: Venus is

Guardian: M-001 "Mars" Age: 361 Status: Stable

Guardian: V-012 "Venus" Age: 358 Status: Stable

Guardian: P-183 "Pluto" Age: 34 Status: Stable

This secret asks a whole bunch of questions and answers exactly none of them.

The first thought I see many people go to is that this, of course, confirms that the Roaches created them. However, there is dialogue from Venus herself stating "Ah, it still feels like it was yesterday when they were scurrying around the land trying to get stuff together!" Which doesn't say much, but sort of implies that she was around while the Roaches were still figuring things out.

But what about those designations, what do they mean? For something like this - and considering they all start with the first letter of the Guardian's name - I think it's, like, a version number.

If they were all created by the Roaches, then… wtf? So with Mars, they got it right on their very first try - congratulations, a fucking GOD is born - but their next Guardian took 12 attempts? What? And then Pluto took 183 attempts. And the time discrepancy is just…. weird. Wtf does this mean? The Roaches started off as the best scientists ever, getting everything correct on their first go, then suddenly dropping the ball off the face of the Earth and getting nothing right? For centuries? And after all of that, they consider the Sapling to be their greatest creation. Not any of the Actual Deities they supposedly made. And then they place two of these gods in… just… entirely different territories. Mars is in the Eastern lands. Lord knows where Pluto is, but not Bugaria, that's for sure. I do find this rather unpalatable.

If they weren't created by the Roaches - they were just studying them, trying to replicate their power - I think that fits some of this better. Especially that above quote by Venus. If she was around before the Roaches developed what they have now - the Roaches being the first bugs to awaken - then did she awaken before even them? If she - and, perhaps, Mars - were the first to awaken, then was the Day of Awakening only around 370 years ago? That would probably be the best case scenario for developing a timeline. It'd be the only True Date that can be nailed down, and make it a lot easier to place other dates around it by comparison.

But still… what's the deal with the version numbers? Perhaps the Guardians do not have true immortality, but ressurrective immortality? That would sort imply that Pluto might in fact be the first, and he's on his 183'd life. It would also mean that Mars would actually be the youngest of the gods. Despite being the oldest current version, he is still only on his First version - no deaths, no resurrections. This would also mean that Pluto died around the time the Roaches vanished. But also - if Pluto died 182 times prior to his current iteration… what the fuck kind of life is this guy living? Is he stuck in a death loop, wtf?

This is honestly just another discrepancy, to me. Lets be as conservative as possible and say that most of Pluto's lives were all around 30 years in length. This is so conservative as to be ridiculous, but let's just ignore that. 183 x 30 = 5490. That's Fucking Old - and I'm gonna say, just as ridiculous. Why, then, would the other two gods only have a few years of an age gap? This feels like a strong point towards the idea that the Roaches created them??? that the designations are version numbers before deployment and not ressurrective iterations???

Oh My God. What the fuck am I supposed to believe?

BREAK

This is where I officially gave up. I hate all of these ideas none of them are satisfactory. Bug Fables why do you hate me so muchae dsafsafgfghrdsgrdfeignbreoiatghnbfrabgifrhdfhdfghdfsghdfizghsregtbdfsgfcuigh

[eddiemunsonswhxre]

where have i been?

an update for those curious.

hey there my loves, long time no see.

i’m not sure how many of you will actually read this or care to see why i haven’t written in over a year now but typing this stuff out helps me process and get back into my groove.

well, today is january 16, 2024. the last thing i posted that was an actual one shot was posted on january 3, 2023. i haven’t written since. 2023 was my worst year yet and caused me to learn a lot about people and myself.

things were going alright in the beginning, i was in my second semester of college and my biggest problem was 2 of my 3 roommates (lived in a quad) hated each other so me and my bestie/3rd roommate had to play mediator and it was exhausting. i started liking a guy and got my hopes up. and i started to get more and more annoyed with school and my living situation every day. i was ecstatic to move out of that room despite hating my hometown. the day of move out, one of my roommates who i thought was someone very close to me blocked me and all of our friends on everything with no explanation but we knew she wasn’t coming back for 23-24.

i like where i grew up for a maximum of a week at a time, after that my depression just kicks my ass and im not having a great time. my plan for the summer was to work my ass off so much so that i wouldn’t have time to think of anything else. that backfired, because a few days after i came home one of my two jobs fell through unexpectedly and my other job was giving me less than half the hours they promised me. i was broke. everyone says it’s so easy to get a job these days because everyone is hiring but i applied to over ten places within a reasonable distance from me and didn’t get a single one. so i spent too much time with myself and that’s not normally a good thing.

to make matters even worse, in june my mom was sentenced to three years in prison for a crime she committed back in 2020. i don’t want to get into too many specifics, but my mom would never harm anyone she just has struggled with addiction. my mom was my constant emotional support, and knowing she was no longer going to be around ripped me to shreds. not even a month later after my mom was shipped off to prison, my dog died. and i know you might think “dogs die all the time it’s a pet.” but my dog was much more than that. she wasn’t even three years old and was a beautiful great pyrenees german shepard mix and she was the sweetest girl ever. i don’t care how ridiculous it sounds, because i know my soul and hers were meant to be together. i was even in the process of registering her as an emotional support animal so i could take her to college with me because she was finally old enough and for the most part out of the puppy phase. but one night out of nowhere she got really sick and within an hour of her showing signs something was wrong she died while i was holding her. not the greatest thing for a 19 year old who’s already struggling to experience. it took my over a month to stop seeing her like that every time i closed my eyes. call me dramatic, but that dog really was a child to me.

after that, i went to stay with my cousin for a few weeks and that was nice but i still knew i wasn’t feeling right. i moved back to school in august and had way too high of hopes that everything would fix itself. surprise, it didn’t. in fact, i just got worse. i reached lows i haven’t hit in over two years. i was having roommate problems, i was trying to do way too much at once, and i was neglecting my health. i had a breakdown.

the highlight of my semester was taking a week off to visit my best friend since age 2 for her birthday (she lives roughly a 2 hour plane ride away from me now) with our other two best friends. then i came back and immediately totaled my car. my car was a piece of shit yes, but it got me places. not having a car when you’re a person who drives around to destress is not fun. i was even worse mentally at this point and i was trying so so hard to get into my overbooked doctor to get my medications raised. the only constant i had were my three friends at school and my studies. so i threw myself into them. i was never alone and if i was i was nose deep in a text book. i was just avoiding the rest of my existence. i was able to get my meds upped and decided i was done wallowing. i started a diet that is actually manageable and enjoyable and discovered for the first time workouts that i actually liked doing. it was something small, but i knew i was turning myself around.

i went home for winter break knowing it was going to be tough. i also had to spend this time looking for a new car. it was an extremely stressful process to say the least. but i focused on myself, taking all the time for myself that i needed and processing everything that had made me get to such a bad place. i’ve always been very spiritual, so i dove more into that as well as trusting the universe.

i’ve decided that 2024 will be my best year yet. i got a new car, im getting a new job, im doing great in school, my mom is getting released from prison literally six hours after i post this, and im taking care of myself in more ways than one. while doing a lot of that reflecting, i remembered how much i used to love to write and how that passion just died after loving it since i was ten. i started small, doing short story exercises and getting into reading again. i finally, after an entire year, have my passion for writing back.

i can’t promise i’ll be consistent with uploads because i’ve decided that my goal for the year is to write a novel. so that project is going to be my main focus and it isn’t anything fanfic related, it’s actually a psychological thriller. more than likely i will be asking for opinions on here throughout the year as well.

with that said, my plans this year for this blog are to keep posting. eddie munson is mainly who i write for, but i want to expand my horizons. i want to challenge myself with genres and types of characters. i will greatly appreciate any requests you can give and i promise i will read through them. if i don’t post them right away, just know it may come out three months later. sometimes inspiration sparks at weird times.

if you’ve read this far, thank you. i hope this can inspire you to see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel but sometimes you’ve gotta dig the extra dirt to it yourself. beyond thankful to anyone who was here a year ago and has come back to read my new stuff- you made an aspiring writer really proud of herself.

much much love

-eddiemunsonswhxre 🤍

[autumnfangirler]

👀 mindscapes u say ?

the minute i saw this ask this popped into my brain

insanity will go under the cut :)

step being step, and them being telepaths, i always thought they had ways to protect their mindscape just in case something happened, so those are going to be added along with the actual descriptions of the mindscape! ill add a bit of what their thoughts sound/feel like because it goes hand in hand for me

Caine- their mindscape is a mix of both the farm and the rangers HQ, because those two were the most fomative places in caine learning what to do and how to be. for a long time they werent anything but a vessel for what others wanted. his mindscape will shift depending on what caine associates the person with the most(fun fact, ortega is more or less at the midway point between the farm and the rangers. it makes for,,, an interesting look to his mindscape). the only thing that doesnt change, though, is that it always feels strangely impersonal, like hes viewing his own mind in a third person perspective. their mind is firm yet adaptable, and while his shields arent,,,,the greatest, they dont need to be. he keeps track of the mental feel of anybody in their brain, and arranges something accordingly. whatever seems to be a particular persons weakpoint, hell pick up on and project. its difficult to find anything in their brain (that sounds like an insult but i Swear its not) since its bare of more personal objects or revealing factors. they use their observations and skill to make sure nobody can do much to their brain– just like a fight, find his opponents weakness and take advantage of it to win.

i always saw his thoughts as a mix of ortega and chens, most of them being short and clipped, but restless. hell often get lost in them, though hes always aware of whats going on around him. their imagination is surprisingly active, and they also come with a healthy dose of overthinking :D

Cyrus- i was mentally shaking your hand when you talked about cyrus mindscape. the core of his mind is exactly what you described; its a blaze, with near welding-torch focus towards its victims. youll be burned if you try to get close. but hes making sure nobody reaches that far. the surrounding area is a icy and cold, giving anybody inside absolutely nothing. hes laid tricks, of course: fading tracks in the snow, an odd rustle of bushes here or there, but mostly speaking its entirely barren. its a test of endurance, and hes depending on people failing from the environment before they can do any real damage. only the people who know him or are observant enough can figure out which way to go. as a little bonus tidbit: prehb cyrus' mindscape was a forest in midday, where the heat was just intense enough to feel it beating on your back. there are still remnants of that in his current mindscape, though the trees are fallen over and theres no sun to be found.

his thoughts are very final, for lack of better word. theres hardly room for doubt in them, though often times he'll ruminate on an idea to make sure everything is up to his satisfaction. despite the outer shell of his mindscape, his thoughts Do feel warm, but its more like friction burn

Cecilia- her mind is surprisingly open, and it is showy. its a museum, and when you enter theres a velvet carpet with those massive marble stairs in the middle and a beautiful chandelier overhead. every floor has paintings of things shes done, with the first few floors consisting entirely of her proudest moments, including the sidestep ones. im sure theres at least one painting of the nanosurge in there, she didnt like the fact that nobody knew she stopped it. there are some more quieter, but still happy memories when people go up, ones with ortega, argent, herald, and more. theres an uneasy feeling at about this point, though. the farther up they go, the stronger that feeling grows, to the point where the mental pressure could crush them completely. ceci doesnt need tricks like the other two do; she exercises power as her means of defense. its coupled with more disturbing paintings too, ones that depict things like the farm and the void. the lights get dimmer, theres less exhibits, and the final floor is just. empty. empty, and utterly lonely. what are you doing up here? theres nothing for you.

shes in the same boat as ortega, aka her thoughts Never shut up. shes creative and excitable, and its easy to get wrapped up in her thought processes. there doesnt tend to be repetition or circling, she doesnt stay on the same thought for very long.

Cynthia- you know the "you... are... lost in memories" line in rebirth? thats what cynthias mindscape is like. its a house thats an amalgamation of every home shes visited before: tia elenas, anathemas, and of course ortegas. it invites nostalgia. every object sends a person into memories, using the same system that nightmare loops do, but kinder. the memories are wrong, though. faces can get blurred, voices are distorted, and touch is especially difficult to get right. it can be disorienting to experience these loops, and they become nauseating if you spend too long in them. the house itself is a maze, and it feels like it goes on forever. none of the rooms repeat itself, but they cant be used as a marker either, because it never seems like you can go back to the same room you were in before. thats how cynthia protects herself– nothing is the same, everything is a trap, and when a person falls for it, she can safely extract them from her mind.

her thoughts are long, slow, and careful, and she often goes back to earlier thoughts to consider them further. her thoughts are twitchy too, theyre easily affected by her environment. theyre warm though, and i imagine feels like somebody reading a story to you

[babybulbasaur920]

Changed my mind. Bird Family au or bust

basic ideas

In this au Neige is the older brother to Yuu. i hc Yuu as around 16, same as the first years which is why that's their main group, as well as Niege being around 18-19 like Vil. they entered showbiz around the same time so i think they are the same age

The mom is not really important so far. I may think up a story for her but just imagine like, Roe Deer from Ellie and the Harp maker. In that she's dating Crowely and has Neige secretly. She sends Neige to live with her parents but when she gets pregnant again with Yuu she breaks up with Crowley and gives them both to him to raise. Idk honestly she doesn't really come in and that's the easiest way i could think of to keep her out

SO yeah Crowley fought in the fae war on the side of the fae despite being human himself. Maybe he's like Sebek and is half fae. Anyways an old enemy of his found him, Neige and Yuu and took Yuu and sent them to the non magic world as revenge. Note Niege is like 2.5 at this time and Yuu is like 6 months old

Crowley gives up 2 yr old Neige to the dwarves in guilt and grief, believing his is not worthy to raise his child after losing the other and being in a mad mental place that he couldn't even properly care for Neige.

16 years go by and Yuu lives as a non magic person in the non magic world. They have been adopted by some family or was taken in. they are skilled with music and plays in the school band or orchestra

 Anyways one day Yuu wakes up a mysterious coffin face to face with an odd cat thing (Grim)

Stuff goes on as the game

Whenever Yuu asks Crowley about going home he of course brushes it off but instead of just neglect, its that he recognizes Yuu and wants them to stay and be family again

This is how the au deviates from the game. Crowley still gives Yuu a lot of work but its less free labor and more grooming them to help him run the school as he gets old. Giving them the experience dealing with headmaster-y problems

I don't have any current thoughts for chapter 5 and Yuu and Neige reuniting but it’ll be a story im sure (except Vil’s gonna scream if he hears about the relation between his headmaster, his weird little friend, and greatest rival)

[rapunzelforlorn]

An open letter to Taylor Swift

I tweeted but I know Taylor is on Tumblr and I really hope she sees this because I need her to.

Taylor I can't even imagine to feel what you must be feeling like right now, coming off the high that was Argentina, and the huge welcome you received in Brazil for all of this to then happen but please please know that none of what happened is your fault and you did absolutely everything you could in that situation. You are the greatest performer of our generation and you didn't even compromise that performance while you checked on fans and got them water while we could all see that you yourself were also not okay. We love you so much and the venue did you a horrible disservice. I'm so sorry that certain fans reacted poorly to the postponement of night 2. I know you know it was what needed to happen. I know you mourn for the loss of that young woman.

Your heart has never faltered in the 16 years I've been a fan of yours listening to beautiful eyes on my Walkman in my parents barn or hearing our song on the radio (of that same barn lol). You have made millions of lives better by existing in this world and it devastates me not only what happened via circumstances beyond your control but also that you might be holding yourself accountable for this. Celebrity accountability is becoming increasingly rare so you remain an anomaly and demonstrate in your day to day life what a good person you are but please honey, give yourself a break. You work so so so hard to bring us countless shows and albums and new music and we love that from you and I never want to live in a world where I don't have a new taylor swift song to look forward to playing on repeat but it is fair of you to put us second and put yourself and your family and your personal life first. Mental health is not talked about enough anymore I know miss Americana opened that curtain a little bit but alot of people don't realize mental health struggles don't just disappear because you're always seen smiling. The posts of upset fans in Rio make me so sad for you because that is not a true indication of this fandom and the billion fans that love you and im not even exaggerating when i say I think you do have a billion fans. Maybe 999 million 🫶🏼.

One stadium of sad, overheated, emotionally taxed people is such a small slice of the swifites that truly want you to be happy overall because of all the joy you've brought to us over the years. I sincerely believe the world is a better place with you and your music in it but even if there was no more music I still want you to be here and be happy and safe. I love you taylor and I really hope this message finds you.

-dee

[harringtonisms]

it always leads to you

pairing: teacher!steve harrington / rockstar!eddie munson summary: Eddie is a rockstar who left the town that has hated him for a music career. Steve is a teacher who couldn't bare to leave the only home he knows. Eddie's in Hawkins for a few days and he thinks about the road not taken. warnings: it's kinda angsty, at least that's what im going for word count: 1,081 taglist: @shesapeachsconebob a/n: surprise!! did this instead of my study guide for geography <3 i also dont have a proper taglist, shine is the only person on it so far 😭 i didn't wanna tag all the people on the plu taglist because it's for those specifics fics but 🧍🏽‍♀️ if you want to be added to my general taglist just send an ask or a dm :) fic based on this post!

Read it on AO3

Eddie hated coming back to Hawkins, but he loved waking up next to Steve. He loved the way Steve felt against him, pressed up against Eddie’s side like their bodies were specifically designed to fit together. He loved his parted lips and soft snores. He loved his fluffy hair and the way it tickled his chin. Eddie was sure he could waste hours staring at Steve, mentally mapping every freckle, every hair, and every curve of his face into his memory.

And then Steve would wake up, and Eddie would get to look into his favorite pair of eyes and catalog their specific shade of brown in his mind as his favorite color. He’d kiss him, morning breath and all, and Steve would smile at him. A shy, private smile only he was allowed to see. It’s in those quiet moments in the morning, when the rest of the world doesn’t exist and it’s just them and the sheets they’re tangled in, that Eddie thinks he could stay in Hawkins forever.

Who cares what everyone else in this shitty town thinks when Steve Harrington looks at him like that?

It’s when they get up and move to the bathroom and run through their morning routines, integrating the other seamlessly. Passing the toothpaste and pointing to where “You missed a spot” like it was commonplace. Minty kisses against fogged mirrors and soft I love you’s whispered into his shoulder blades. It’s then that Eddie wonders why he continues to wake up alone in New York when he could have endless mornings like this in Hawkins.

It’s the warm coffee being placed in his hands the second he makes it into the kitchen. The Lord of the Rings books taking up space on the bookshelf and the vinyls of metal music Eddie knows Steve only plays when he’s here. It’s the way Steve knows him. His mind, his body, his greatest dreams and deepest fears. The way Steve knows what to say when Eddie gets in his own head and how to bring him back from the edge. How to take him right to the edge and make him beg for release. There’s no one in this world who could know Eddie like Steve does. A connection that strong can only be built when you went through what they went through. When you go to hell and back, and go through hell and back. Steve found the limit of how much Eddie could care for someone, and challenged it, opening his heart to love someone with an intensity that was only rivaled by how much Steve loved Eddie. His heart lived in Hawkins, but his mind kept him in New York.

Leaving Steve was never easy. Each time he walks away from Steve’s cozy house on the corner and into his penthouse on the top floor, he questions if it’s even worth it. What if he never left back then? Ideally, the whispers and the stares would’ve died down eventually. He’d take over the auto repair shop once it was time and Steve could still be a teacher. They’d get to wake up to each other and fall asleep next to each other. The mail would have his name on it and maybe he’d even be friends with the neighbors. The kids would visit them in their house, and maybe they’d adopt one or two of their own if they ever could. They wouldn’t just get Thanksgivings and Christmases, and random weeks throughout the year. They’d get date nights on Fridays, and grocery shopping on Mondays, and fights on Wednesdays.

He wanted all that with Steve. He wanted to stay so badly. After what they’d been through when they were teenagers, he thinks he deserves a life of domesticity and bliss with the absolute, and incomparable love of his life. Within Steve’s four walls, he’s convinced he belongs back in Hawkins.

Then he leaves Steve’s house and is thrown death glares and insults from people who weren’t even alive in 1986. He has to repeat the year to himself to remain grounded. Reciting that Vecna is dead and the upside down is forever sealed when he walks downtown, still terrified the town will split into four again. Seeing cheerleaders leave school and being forced to confront the fact that he couldn’t save Chrissy, even if there was nothing he could’ve done. Passing the trailer park he almost died in and feeling the bites of the demobats again. He loves Steve and he loves Wayne, but he couldn’t stay. Steve knows that. He knows what being in Hawkins does to Eddie, so he never asks him to.

Eddie can’t stay, and Steve won’t leave. Robin is here and he’s seen her almost everyday since they met. He wouldn’t trade being able to see Robin whenever for scheduled visits three times a year. He nearly died with her. Living near her and living life with her was essential. Will, Mike, and Lucas may have left but they still come home, and Dustin, Max, and El are still here. Sure, they are fully grown adults who don’t need Steve to take care of them, but he’ll never stop worrying about them. He has his student’s at the school he used to attend and the various shops he worked at with his best friend. The pool Barb died in and the basketball court where he first realized he was bisexual. There’s the forest where Dustin became like a little brother to him and there's the boathouse where he met Eddie. This town made Steve who he is, all the good, the bad, and the ugly. He couldn’t leave and Eddie knows that. So Eddie never asks him to.

They sit across from each other and play house. Pretending Eddie won’t be boarding a flight in a few days. Like Steve isn’t fighting every urge to tell Eddie that he’ll give up everything in Hawkins for a life in New York. Like Eddie can watch another tear fall from Steve’s eyes without apologizing for trying to leave him again and promising he’ll stay. They pretend this is their actual life. Coffee stained kisses and promising Steve he’ll still be here when he gets home from work. Eddie wonders, If he could go back and do it all again, would he have still boarded that train and left all those years ago? Or would he have chosen the path that led him back here, to his hometown? To Steve.

[duckymcdoorknob]

Oopsies another super self indulgent drabble. This time it’s feat. one of my biggest fucking kins rn.

This is for my ED homies. You’re seen, you’re understood, you’re loved.

CW BELOW THE CUT: Eating Dis0rder thoughts and behaviors.

You couldn’t lie to yourself, it was getting bad once again. You had been in a safe spot with your eating habits, but all good things come to an eventual end. As the most dreaded part of your day arrived, you mentally prepared to face your greatest rival: mealtime.

Opting for a basic salad, and a small bowl of fruit, you obtain your lunch and sit outside of the cafeteria, tucked away in a little corner. You always loved the space, since it was out of the way of almost every other person’s field of view.

You hesitantly placed the plate and bowl in front of you, slowly sitting down in the hard, plastic, chair. When you went to pick up your fork, your hand shook violently in protest.

Sighing, you put the fork down back in its home next to the plate. You ran your head through your hands as tears burned your eyes. You remembered the words of your friends, more-so they burned in your subconscious.

‘It’s not hard, just eat.’

‘You’re doing this to yourself’

‘Woah here we go again, who would’ve guessed?’

‘Just get over it’

Just get over it… just… just eat. It’s not hard. It’s-

“Hey.”

You slowly brought your teary eyes up to meet shining amber ones. The boy standing before you was clad in a yellow hoodie and black pants. He had red hair, accompanied by a headband, and he was holding a tray of food. “Do you… uh, do you mind if I.. if I join you?”

Sniffling and wiping your tears with an embarrassed chuckle, you agreed hesitantly. “Y-Yeah. Sorry I’m uh, I’m just-“

“No worries.” The unnamed boy said with a patient smile, setting his tray on the table and sitting down, “I couldn’t just sit and listen to you cry, so I wanted to have lunch with you. I hope I’m not making anything worse for you.”

“No! Not at all, I’m just having one of those days, if you know what I mean.” You reply quickly, trying to awkwardly laugh through the situation.

“Oh trust me, I know all about the days.” The red haired-male said, resting his cheek on his closed fist, “I’m Reki by the way, Reki Kyan.” He beamed a close-eyed smile.

“I’m (Y/N), (Y/N) (L/N)!” You chirped in response, feeling a little better due to his cheerful demeanor.

“It’s nice to meet you, (Y/N)! So tell me, what do you find to be special about you?” Reki asked happily, picking up a French fry from his tray and popping it into his mouth, “Man, the food in the cafeteria is either gourmet, or prison-grade.”

The comment elicited a chuckle from you. Your attention turned down to the untouched salad in front of you, it’s contents mocking you. You knew it was maybe 250-300 calories, but it was just too many. Sure, you can have some jello when you get back home, but you needed some kind of protein to keep from falling asleep in class.

You picked up your fork, perpetually shaky hands doing nothing to help you do so. “Well since you put me on the spot, I’ve forgotten every interesting thing about me.” You replied awkwardly, stifling a pitiful laugh.

“That’s alright! Im more than happy to go on and on about how coooool I am.” Reki chimed in response. “I love to skateboard. I’ve been doing it for so long, I couldn’t even tell you how old I was when I started-“

His rambling fell deadly upon your ears as you look down at the still untouched salad. You wanted to take a bite of it, just to keep your potential new friend from running away. You just couldn’t bear it… the thought of the empty calories hitting your empty stomach was too much to bear.

You sighed as more tears brimmed fresh in your lash line. You put the fork down in defeat, once again. Eyes blaring holes into the sickeningly-sweet bowl of untouched fruit.

Within a short moment, you felt a warmth encapsulate your shaking hand. You felt a thumb gently rubbing the base of your own, a comforting gesture you found that you seriously lacked in life.

“It’s alright… I know exactly how you’re feeling right now.”

Once again looking up, you managed to see Reki through your clouded vision. His features were sympathetic, as if he truly understood.

“N-No it’s.. it’s nothing.” You reply, sniffling.

“(Y/N)…” He smiles at you sadly, “It’s hard for me sometimes too.”

A short gasp rips from your lungs as you take in the genuinity of his voice. The tears that brimmed at your lash line were now falling on your lap as you hung your head shamefully. “I just want to be normal, Reki.” You whisper through your blossoming hysterics.

The red-haired male wastes no time standing up and kneeling down in the grass, so he could wrap his arms around you securely. “I’ve got you…” he whispered, “It’s okay, you’re okay.”

Reki held you with a firm gentleness, with enough pressure to show you he would never leave, but enough softness to keep you from feeling trapped. He held you close and gently rubbed the space between your shoulders. “I’m so proud of you for making it this far.” He whispered, once more sending you into hysterics.

“I-I- I’m just so… so tired of it, Reki.” You choked, “I’m tired of being terrified of something I need to survive. I’m tired of seeing food as a measurement of mental fortitude. I’m tired of having to earn the right to eat certain things by losing weight. I’m tired of never having energy during the day because I’m so under-fed.” You confessed, sinking deeper into the embrace.

“I understand. It may not seem it, but I truly have been where you are before. My relationship with food has improved but, not well…” the red-haired boy replied, “It helped having Joe and Cherry around. Hell, even little Miya was like my personal cheerleader. I know this isn’t a one-time-fix and then poof you’re normal, it’s a difficult and sometimes gross process.”

You nodded, taking in every word.

“Do you mind sitting in the grass? That chair can hardly be comfortable.” Reki asked suddenly, arms retreating from your figure.

You giggled as you settled into the grass next to him. “The chair wasn’t uncomfortable, your knees just hurt, didn’t they?” You dared to tease, sniffling and wiping your remaining tears.

“Hey! I’ll have you know that I have very big concern about the health of your tailbone going numb, thank you. If your butt goes numb, I’m not carrying you to your next class.” The redhead teased, hands absentmindedly running through your hair. “We’ll get through this.” He replied.

You sniffled and agreed with a quiet nod. “We… we will.”

“Together.” Reki whispered, holding your hand once more.

Connecting your free hand with the other two, you smiled at Reki as a single tear slipped from your eye.

“Together.”

—————♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎✞♡︎—————

[just-a-mod]

I played Soul Void : Redux.

starting this off with : this is a good review and a happy thing

i am putting it under a read more for spoiler purposes uwu

about 5 or more years ago, i first played Soul Void. i found it on tumblr, and thought 'wow, that looks interesting' and showed it to my at the time GF

we both sat down and played it, me watching her at first, before deciding i wanted to play it along side her and go through the experience

getting into this game, immediately i began to see parts of myself in it. struggles i've had, words i've heard from others and from myself. i looked at the characters around me and felt them resonate with me and i felt.

feelings. sorrow, grief. the want to help, compassion and the hopeful feeling of 'don't give up, it will get better!'

i wanted to help them, and in turn by the end of the game, wanted to help myself

that was 5 years ago

i haven't played since, and not for a lack of not wanting to, just not feeling i needed to. i still remembered The Seeker, i remembered how The Leech and The Waiting were. i remembered how it felt, and i continued on.

then i began to forget, but still, i didn't go back. 'not yet', 'i don't need it yet'. it felt like

lately, it's felt like i did. a refresher, a chance to...process? a chance to acknowledge 'hey, these are struggles. these are feelings, but they can be helped. they can get better.

then i saw Redux was coming out. 3-4 months or so ago, i saw the update was set to release July 26, and i waited.

i'd forget for a few weeks, remember, check the date, and then go back to the day to day, only to repeat the pattern a few more times.

yesterday, i remembered. yesterday, i checked the date.

yesterday after D&D, i threw myself into playing again. and it was everything i remembered it to be.

it feels, oddly enough, like a medicine. a kind of salve that stings and soothes at the same time. my mental health isn't (and hasn't been of late) the greatest. victories in some places, loses in others. but progress, i believe, all the same.

going into Soul Void, i get to see all of these people doing their best. encouraging each other, the player and myself to do our best.

seeing The Waiting, The Husk, The Seeker. The Leech. all of them

new faces too, people i hadn't spoken to before! people i had yet to befriend! places i hadn't' seen!

i stepped into the game and hearing new music, reading new dialogue, having a chance to laugh and feel pain and sympathy and 'oh girl, SAME' energy.

getting a chance to stare evenly at the Grim, to find them less scary and more funny this time around.

getting to help The Seeker.

getting to HUG The Seeker.

getting the necklace. having it in the real world. the message behind it.

(ngl i'd pay some amount of money for that necklace as merch, by the way, if not try to juts make it myself. just tell me how it looks and by golly i will figure out some kind of way)

but i sat, and i loved, and i teared up and cried. i felt an ache in my chest that was soothed the further i went in

i listened to my own words being so automatically offered

'you'll be okay'

it'll be alright'

'this will pass'

'you'll get better'

offered to pixels on a screen that held a reflective piece of something i can see inside of myself, and it reminds me to share those with myself.

Soul Void is a game that sits in a special place in my heart. along side shows like Inuyasha and games like Undertale. it is a game that changed my life in an important time, in an important way.

for years to come, i will revisit it. for years to come, i will remember how every one looks at the end of the game, when you've helped them all. when you've helped yourself.

i will be drawing art of Hugging Seeker.

(also i wish we could hug more people, like The Waiting and The Leech. im not upset we cant, i just also wish we could.)

((also also does any one else have such an emotional attachment to The Waiting because i stg i kinda wish we could just sit with him, as the veins stop pulsing? so he's just not...alone..? but idk that's me))

@kadabura from the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you for making this game. Thank you for updating it.

thank you for all the work you've put into it, and for making it a free to play game.

thank you for sharing it with the world, as this game is one of the most beautiful and cherished experiences i've had in my 30 some odd years of life.

thank you for making such a beautiful story and journey that can allow people like me to see kindness for ourselves

i was originally going to send an ask, but tumblr just does not have enough space in one ask for me to express my love for this game.

Thank you so much. i hope your days are filled with the joy and strength to keep getting new ones, and that your nights are filled with dreams of laughter and music

for any one who may be reading this and NOT know what this beautiful game is

and the beautiful soul who made it

Thank you @kadabura

Be safe and Be at peace <3

[mylandofdarkness]

The Antagonist of My Life. My Mother.

My mother.. played a HUGE role in my life....

Now don't get me wrong.. things are better between me and her now but with my first 22 years of my life. she's given me hell. I never understood it till later that it was simply because Girls get it more rough than boys. Growing up I NEVER saw my mom lay a finger on him for anything. Instead every single thing I did.. where I was simply just a child THAT DOESNT KNOW ANYTHING... gets a bunch of beatings that she's gonna remember for the rest of her life. I remember crying so much, I remember hiding under a table, hovering in a corner while STILL getting slapped and beaten by my mother.. as I have a meltdown, I even locked myself in the bathroom for 20 minutes. My father had no role.. he wasn't able to do anything . So I'm just backed up in a corner getting hit as my father and brother sit on the side and watch. Like that's not traumatizing? for a Mother to stand there and beat and beat and beat her YOUNG child, daughter that is probably around 6-7 years old.. as she is screaming in pain from getting beaten. what kind of a mother does that. Does this child not have feelings?? Is this child suppose to not feel the pain? WHAT is this teaching the child? AS A CHILD... I was convinced she didn't want me to be happy, I was convinced she found pleasure in beating me every week, talking down on me, discouraging me, telling me all the things I liked was stupid.

So years go by.. all that abuse did something to me. it turned me into an easily agitated teenager, (Gee I wonder where I got that from). And I wasn't going to be those kids that commit suicide because of strict parents or being under pressure. So I got tired from my moms physical abuse one day when I was in mid-high school.

Her abusive hits didn't phase me anymore. Her 'discipline' wasn't going to do shit to me anymore. One Day when she raised her hand at me... I didn't cry, I looked at her dead in the eye... and just walked to my room so I didn't have to hear from her for the rest of the night. Another time where she wanted to give me a word (and a hand) I finally spoke up to her, she was hella surprised. My bro and Dad was surprised too . I said my piece, she told me I was making excuses. I told her it wasn't excuse. I wasn't going to easily back down. I wasn't going to give her that satisfaction of ME keeping quiet and crying, and having it end up being a meltdown. I wasn't going to let her be the only crazy one now. She created one... That's on her... And I want her to remember what she started and what she created.

So you see... Because of her I somehow always see the negative in most friendships I make. because I was treated so poorly when I was little, everytime I meet somebody I want to befriend, I would have higher expectations and always oversee a small negative . My mother never taught me how to treat others.. she taught me nothing but pain.

So fast forward to college.. I LIVED AWAY for college.. and it was the greatest 3 years ever. why? cause I was actually away from that toxic household and I was actually able to do what I want on my own. Met lots of cool people, partied, went out, talked to some boys, Figured myself out lots. College was done, I move back.. and yes everything was tense again. Keep in mind I went towards the Media Arts career path.. My mother thought that was a joke. So when it came to finding jobs.... she pestered me LOTS about it and it stressed me out a lot. pressured me into applying for jobs that I didn't find suited for myself. Now yes this is a different stage of my life.. They made me anxious on even finding a job. My mother made me feel like shit. This is where emotional and mental abuse comes in more. and when I finally landed a job at a well known company..

Things switched. I was suddenly the daughter they were proud of o.0 I'm the daughter that works at 'This place' WoW Im the daughter that's going to make a lot of money from this place. ...... That gave my phony vibes. Now that I'm making decent money.. your nice to me?? Now that other companies see my potential, you suddenly see it too?? Nah, you shattered my spirit for 22 years. You've emotionally and mentally brought me down almost everyday for 23 years. I'm not getting my years back.

Because of all this... a part of me resents her for how I ended up as a person. Every moment of hell she gave me, I remember it vividly.

[aila415]

Human villain Tails, ah yes

Tails is Eggmans apprentice, Tails growing up to be on Eggmans side really affected him mentally and emotionally although he admires Eggmans IQ he still despise him for being mean to the innocent. It went down hill when Eggman told him that the people are wrong and are selfish among each other, Tails keeps noticing that Eggman was right everyone is selfish, everyone only cares about themselves. So he stopped anyone who tried to spoil Eggmans plans, he stops the doctor everytime he knows Eggman has a lesser chance of winning. Furthermore Eggman thinks Tails is his greatest invention (he didn't create tails he just molded miles into someone he was so different than before)

Sonic rarely sees Eggman anymore so he just trains because he's assuming if eggman doesn't show up than usual he got something big coming.

Once Eggman haven't shown up in months so Sonic thought he was dead or something so he went to check on him(and then he made up a reason that "he's going to see what eggmans got cookin"), when he rushed into the lab he saw a two tailed fox fixing something. "Uh hi..?" Sonic said nervously as he held the fox on the shoulder to see if he could recognize them. "Who.. are you?" He asked. "EEP! Oh! Hi! Oh sorry uh names Miles!" "Nice to meet you Miles, uh what are you doing here? In this place?" "Oh I work here, outside isn't really a place for me" "..." . It went silent, sonic heard a noise "hide!" Sonic held tails and ran to a corner. "Hey I said I work here why do i need to hide? " "listen miles you're working for a very dangerous man , im kinda on a mission to find out what Eggman is up to" "youre here to disturb the doctor?.."

And then the story continues in these drawings :3

[comfortfrogblog]

hi :). I'm just here bc I'm having a bit of religious crisis. I'm a 16 y.o girl (like you). I was raised in a Catholic Church, but my mom is actually orthodox (long story). anyway, my mom decided in 2021 that we were going to start going to Orthodox Church, and I agreed bc I didn't really have another choice.

I never really prayed a lot. I think I used to believe in God in a sort of lazy way - I never really prayed or thanked Him, and I was just kind of passive in my belief, if that makes sense. recently, I haven't been doing very well at all mentally, and I kind of just stopped believing in God. I think this was partly brought on by the fact that the orthodox church has some shitty rules (divorce=bad, gay=bad, abortion=bad, etc), and I didn't want to be a part of something that encouraged that kind of exclusivity. I also just don't have a good home life at all - I've always been very lonely, and it just seems like there's a lot of pain in the world, and a lot of bad people that just keep on living. I know I'm just making excuses here, but what I'm trying to say is that I want to believe that God exists, I really do, but I just can't. when I try to pray, I just feel like I'm screaming into a great apathetic black void. my question is, have you ever had a religious crisis like this? and if you have, could you explain how you overcame it? thank you so much. your blog is wonderful :)

ahhh absolutely—im going through one right now lol. in fact, i’d say im constantly going through a religious crisis of sorts. sometimes i dont know whether i should even be allowed to call myself a christian if i struggle this much, but i’ve kind of figured out that struggling is actually the point.

we can never be perfect in our faith. even the most faithful and religious people you know have their flaws and stray from god every single day—we are sinful in nature. but christ paid for our sins with his blood so that we could have eternity with the lord, so that we may be forgiven, so that we may experience the greatest love that there is. im still struggling with this concept—the fact that there is a god who loves us so much that he sent his son to us, and this man died for us. he was crucified and tortured so that we may be saved. jesus was a real person—the most perfect person to ever exist. the savior, the king, the servant.

but i dont deserve that, i tell myself. and im right, actually. none of us deserved it. none of us deserve to be saved, none of us actually deserve to have good things. but that is the point, isn’t it? that god is so merciful he sent his son to die for us, when we never deserved it in the first place? he wants to be with us and have a relationship with us so much that he would forgive our sins and welcome us home. it is because of christ that we are saved and forgiven—not because of our inherent goodness. we have inherent value, but we are not inherently good. christ is the ultimate love, the ultimate good, the ultimate and overarching and sovereign king. so we do not have to grieve over being undeserving; instead, we can rejoice that he provides for us and loves us regardless.

christianity is not easy. it’s not supposed to be—we are called to take up our own crosses and follow jesus. we suffer, we struggle, we hurt, we cry out, we question. it is good to question—we are curious creatures, and it is natural that we long to know the god who loves us. ask, wonder, question. it is okay to go through periods of rocky faith—every single christian that has ever lived has been through the same problem.

but even in our darkest times, when we feel we cannot hear the lord and we think he has forsaken us, he has not. he is crying out for you. he wants you to come running to him. he will always provide for you, and he will always make a way. i have to say that what you said about feeling like you’re crying out into a black void struck me deep—i’ve often thought the same exact thing. but i’ve seen it in the lives of those around me that the more that you try, the more you question, the more you want, the closer you come to seeing what God wants you to see.

and if it’s worth anything, the deepest and most heart-wrenching sentiment i’ve felt my whole life is that of wanting to want him. i want to want to believe, but i still feel the indifference in my heart. i think the answer is to keep trying, keep praying; reach out to people you trust who can give you guidance. the desires of your heart will reflect in your actions—if you really, really want to believe, stop running away. you might not even know you’re running away. we often think we’re the ones chasing God, but the truth is that he is chasing after you. he loves you and wants to be in relationship with you.