#when im dissociating and everything feels off he feels right

[spacetrashfallingdown]

Dean Winchester is like home to me

[iplayguitarbutshesintodrummers]

Love is not a real thing | Calum Hood x Reader (she/her)

Autor note: I wrote this based in something i read on the 5sos wikipedia when i started to stan them that said that calum didn't believed in love

Also, sorry if there's any grammatical error, english Is not my first lenguage.

summary: you were friends with 5sos even before they started the band, Calum Is your best friend and to be honest you always had a tiny crush on him, until some time ago where your feelings started to grow stronger.

The problem here Is that calum wasn't a love believer, he would always complain about how hard relationships and love in general Is, just because he had some failed relationships for dating mean ass people.

But maybe..

Just maybe

You could make him think otherwise

Warning: dramatic confession, fluff too much fluff lol

Pov Y/N:

I would be lying if i say that i didn't felt anything for Calum, i've been having this weird feelings since we met, not so long ago i realized that i was in love with him.

But it was late now, we already have a strong friendship, telling him about my feelings would be like throw me off a cliff and im not willing to risk my treasured friendship for just some silly feelings that probably are just something that i would forget about as soon as i met someone else, right?

But i couldn't help it.

Sometimes i would just watch him exist when we hang out with the boys, getting lost in his eyes or just admiring his features, fantasizing about pressing my lips against his or whisper into his ear how much i loved him

A voice took me out of my thoughts

"Y/N, you okay? You have been dissociating for 20 minutes now"

Ashton said with a confused and worried expression

"yeah, everything's okay"

I took a sip of my drink and tried to catch up with everything the boys have been talking about, remembering the old times and getting nostalgic since the other day i was going to move to Nashville

calum was a little more quiet tonight, i tried not to make eye contact with him since i sweared that he was almost staring into my soul.

Luke turned towards Calum

"what's up with your love life, cal pal?"

"nothing new, mate, you already know how i feel about the whole love thing"

"what about you, Y/N?"

Luke asked me making me get out of my thoughts once again

"what about me...?"

"do you have a partner?"

Calum asked being straight forward

"uhm.. no i don't"

The topic stayed there and we didn't touched it again for the whole night.

It was past midnight when we decided that we should leave the bar.

Mostly because Luke and Michael were getting a little bit too tipsy.

Ashton offered to take them home, leaving Calum and me alone.

"i'll text you when i get home"

I was planning on walking back home, i needed some fresh air and a little walk won't hurt anyone.

"where are you going?"

Calum said with his arms crossed sightly raising his brow

"to my house..?"

"without me?"

Calum said sightly teasing before wrapping one of his arms around my shoulders as we started walking

"thanks for coming with me"

"whenever you want, rockstar"

as we walked towards my place we talked about a lot of random topics, sometimes we were even stopping our tracks to just talk

Like if we never wanted to arrive my place and end this night.

However, sooner or later that was going to happen.

we arrived to the front door of my house.

I unlocked it and turned to look at Calum.

"thanks for the walk"

"no worries, mate"

He waved at me and turned around as he started walking away.

It was now or never

"Calum!"

He stopped his tracks and looked at me

"hm?"

"..."

I took a deep breath trying to find the correct words

"i.."

"i love you"

His eyes widened sightly and then he smiled kindly

"love you too"

He turned around and kept walking away.

What the hell have just happend..?

He thought i said it in a friendly meanor..?

I noticed that it started to drizzle, i just hoped he would get home safe and dry at least.

Pov Calum:

I left Y/N's house as soon as i could, even if i didn't meant to but i just felt like i needed to leave running out of there.

I felt my breath heavier, a huge weight over my shoulders and how my heart was beating like if it was going to get out of my chest at any moment.

It was just a simple, friendly "I love you" right?

I shouldn't be overthinking it that much, but i couldn't help it.

There was something in they way she said it that it made it have so much power over me.

I arrived to my place and just lied on my couch looking at the ceiling just trying to think of something else, but my thoughts always leaded to her, to Y/N.

The question flooded my mind "what did she meant by that?" Was she just being friendly? Or was she flirting with me?

I started to get frustrated because i had so many questions and not a single answer

I would be lying if i say i haven't been some kind of attracted to Y/N lately, but i feel like she's completely out of my reach, not only because she's one of my best friends since forever but because i feel like she's too much for me, i wouldn't be able to give her what she deserves, and i would end up messing everything up like i always do in my relationships

However

I needed to get it out of my chest, we hated having secrets between us, after all, she was moving to Nashville tomorrow and it was my last chance.

I stood up, took my car keys and opened the door to leave my house and go to look for Y/N

What i didn't expected was to find her there right in front of me under the rain

"Y/N?"

She interrupted me

"when i told you that i love you"

"i was being serious"

"Cal, if im going to leave i think you deserve to know what has been through my mind lately"

"i.. i think i developed feelings for you"

My eyes widened, the hell we actually shared braincells..

"Y/N-"

"don't say anything i don't want answers, i just want to get this out of my chest"

"i really like you Cal."

"im not saying we could be something like boyfriend and girlfriend because i don't know how you feel about this and also the fact that you say "you always mess up" in relationships and that you don't believe in love"

"and that's what i wanted to talk to you about"

"you sticked to the idea that you are not worth of love and that you always mess up your relationships and it ends up happening just because you are constantly thinking about it. And i hate seeing you torturing yourself like that. You are worth of love Cal, you are a good partner, you are everything anyone would wish in a relationship"

"and im sick of you not believing me, you think you always mess up because you think you are "too boring" or "too simple"

"When in reality you are not anything of that, and your exes just couldn't actually see who you really are and what you actually worth"

"you are the most talented, kindest, funniest, and romantic person i know and i can't stand you not believing that because some bullshit people made you think otherwise"

Her voice started to break

'i just-"

"i wished you could see yourself like I see you so you could understand why i like you so much"

"i wish you could see that love Is a real thing, that love Is not really what you think it Is"

"i wished you could give me a chance to prove to you that you never were the problem and that you just needed to find the correct person.."

I felt a knot in my throat i just needed to hug her and cry in her arms, i needed to hear that so bad.

I just didn't thought that hearing it from her could be so relieving

There was a long silence between us while i was trying to find the correct words to say.

Suddenly she took a step closer

"Calum.."

I looked at her

"promise me that when you fall in love again.. you'll think about what i told you

And promise me that, in that case, you would be positive enough to make things work"

"Y/N.."

My voice breaking

"i promise i would be positive enough to make things work between us"

"wait wha-?"

I didn't wanted to hear anything more, I cupped her face with my hands and kissed her without warning.

At first i felt her tense, she didn't expected me to do that, but then she gave in and kissed me back.

some seconds after we both pulled away and i pressed my forehead against her's

"am i being too dramatic if i say you might be my end game?"

I said with a silly little grin in my face

"kind of, but that's what i like about you"

Pls reblog if you liked this, you would help me a lot

The fics requests are open btw! Tysm for reading <3

[borwski]

spymaster, becoming the doctor, and gardening – a little character study

anyone else obsessed with the master and margarita short story?? no?? just me?? oh well you’re getting a character analysis anyway, long rant about spymasters obsession with the doctor via mushrooms under the cut :3

tw for dissociation and substance induced hallucinations (weird ahh mushrooms as torture)

for those of you who haven’t read the master and margarita (i def recommend its super fun) it’s about what dhawan!master was doing during his 77 years on earth in that time skip during spyfall 2. he’s a mushroom farmer in russia, crazy hijinks and thoschei references ensue. maybe i’m going too deep into it but i really love the idea of him as a gardener and what that implies for everything we see in ttc/potd

i’d like to start with the fact that out of all the masters, dhawans is the one least confident in his identity. classic who masters and saxon held their title with pride with their “he’s the master and you will obey him” shtick. missy, even when she was debating her morality, never saw herself as anything other than missy. her title wasn’t being questioned, it was what she chose to do with it. meanwhile, spymaster just... loses himself after looking into the panopticon. he’s faced with the reality that the doctor is more important than he could ever be, and given that he sees his worth as interwoven with hers (the history between us, constantly refers back to their past/when they were equal), this makes him lose all sense of self. it used to be theta and koschei. the doctor and the master. now it’s just the timeless child and….. that’s it. there’s no significant place for him in her life. what’s he supposed to do now, when he’s based his whole history around her?

easy! fracture himself into different personalities, hide behind disguises (i mean, THREE disguises in one episode? calm down dude) in an attempt to hide his unimportance. while the timeless child is the story of child abuse and colonialism, a hurt the doctor will have to live with even if she can’t remember it, the master sees it as a triumph. he is lesser. she is the timeless child and she has existed forever and he is some dumb timelord who fell in love and meant nothing to her in the long-run. he feels like he’s not deserving of being in his own skin anymore so he hides behind whatever name and personality he can find.

but the thing about all his disguises is that they are so human. agent o, a shy little analyst at MI6 with the wide eyed stare and wits to be the doctor’s companion. rasputin, famous bachelor and a piece of history the doctor would notice. he says he despises humans but he dresses up as them because well, do you know who does love them? the doctor :(

which is why his name and intentions in the master and margarita are soooo so interesting to me. first off, his human alias is mikhail (“son of god”, writer of the og master and margarita) afanasyevich (“immortal”, also the og writer of master and margarita) gospodinov (roughly translated to “lord” and “master”). he steals a name, just like rasputin in potd, with a lot of weight on who he is right now. an emphasis on “immortal” “time lord” when hes dealing with the pressure of ttc. hes basically copying the doctor and making a title for himself like the ‘timeless child’ to feel equal again. it’s not the only time he copies the doctor either, hes basically working for “evil russian unit” in this short story. 

(remind you of anything?? yes im talking about the doctor-master. super cool foreshadowing on how hes been trying to become/be one with the doctor before potd)

and it’s literally in the text. the whole reason he spends months cultivating mushrooms for russia is to change history a bit so that jo grant’s marriage will be ruined. such a Doctor thing to do, kind of parallels clara and danny. to love a human is to be overly dramatic over them. the master, again, uses humans for his own benefit but has never been overly fond of them, with the exception of the doctors little companions. hes copying her again.

but the thing is, he keeps cultivating them. he gains a love for caring for them. mushrooms are just mushrooms until they arent. in a time where he thinks he’s the doctors opposite, he begins farming mushrooms bc of jo grant, a detail the doctor would remember just bc he misses her. he couldve spent his time escaping and getting back to his regular timeline to defeat the doctor, but he stayed. because of a human attachment. very doctor-y.

and if that bit of nostalgia wasn’t enough, he even hallucinates the third doctor in this. Which. okay. give me a non-thoschei explanation for this.

i just really like what that short story has to offer as far as the masters obsession with other people and his disguises go. and what it means for him to spend months of his live caring for something, like the doctor would, when all hes done before is kill. what does it mean for the champion of death to cultivate life :(

nyways, if you made it this far, i really hope you enjoyed !! i just love talking about spymaster can you tell lmfaooo and if you liked any of this id recommend reading the gardener by ritheh on ao3 which expands on his whole “killer heals for once” thing its soooo good <33 ok bye see u guys next time

[nickscodthoughtsblog]

To Understand (König/Nikto)

The inevitable followup to Shot in the Dark. this time they get to talk a lot more and Nikto helps his new friend understand his situation. i did some research to understand dissociative disorders myself, but if there's some stuff that's not right, i apologise, im still learning. enjoy!!

He didn't get a lot of chances to speak to Nikto again after the first time. He was either busy, or Nikto was gone. Two days later, Krueger was back, safe and victorious. It was kind of nice to see the Russian not sitting alone. But König couldn't figure him out. He referred to himself as we. He could understand they and them, but we? Outside of a group setting, it didn't work. He was missing something.

He was walking towards the gym when he ran into Krueger, only stopping when he felt his hand on his shoulder. “King. One moment.” He stopped him, pulling him to the side of the hallway. König let him distract him from his thoughts, practically welcoming it until he spoke. “Nikto said you tried talking to him.” 

“I didn't try.” König was a little put off by the wording. “We talked for…not very long, granted…” 

“Exactly. You tried.” Krueger replied, a hint of smugness mixed with his accent. “Not my point.”

“Did I upset him?”

“Nein, nein…he was the smallest bit happy when he told me.” He paused, putting his hands on his own waist. “What the hell did you say to him?” It was like he was imitating an angry mother telling a child off for being a bad influence.

“Almost nothing. I got his name, and said it was good to meet him.” König explained. “Is it wrong he's slightly happier?”

Krueger huffed a little. “You're misreading me, and you know it. I'm just wondering how you do it to everyone you talk to.” 

That was…almost concerning, actually. “Do what?”

“Scheiße, King, you have got to notice it by now. You always have a good impact on everyone in KorTac. Even Nikto. He said his system kept thinking of you after you talked.” 

König was about to quote his own mother in that “kindness goes a long way”, but that word caught him out. System… “His what?”

Krueger shrugged, his arms settling crossed across his chest. “It's what he calls it. Whatever it is. Haven't got a straight answer out of him.” So, Krueger doesn't even know everything about him either. God, did anybody besides the top brass know a damn thing about him!? “... you still there, King?” 

He blinked, getting his thoughts in order. “Ja, ja. Do you know where Nikto is?”

“If he hasn't moved yet, he's…probably outside, near the training field?”

“Danke. See you later, Krueger.” And he left, nudging him accidentally as he walked past. Krueger had no time to ask what got into him.

It was cold out, but it didn't stop König from going out and finding Nikto sitting on a bench, by himself. “Nikto, there you are.” He greeted him as he came to a stop next to him. “Mind if I join you?”

Nikto looked up at him, studying his face for a moment. “... feel free, König.” He watched him sit, not uncomfortably close, and not awkwardly far. “Did you need something?” 

“Oh, nein, it's just been a while since we talked.” 

“It's been two days.” 

“Ja…that is while, isn't it?”

A small huff. Amusement, he thought. “Mm. You're right.” It was strangely relaxing to hear. 

But then it went back to quiet between them. Kὅnig wasn’t really sure how to bring up his questions about this system of his. Not yet, at least. “Say, Nikto.” He caught his attention, those distant eyes turning to him. “It’s pretty cold out, isn’t it?” 

“A little.” He took a moment, looking up at the cloudy sky. “...do you think we’ll get snow?”

“I don’t know.” Kὅnig joined him in watching the clouds slowly drift above. It was quite calming to sit here and watch them with him. “Would you want it to?”

“...да. We like snow.” he replied, only pausing for a moment, like he was thinking. Maybe he was seeing what his system wanted him to tell Kὅnig. “It’s…calming. Like a gentle blanket. I like it undisturbed, smooth…это нас расслабляет.” A few seconds go by, before he glanced over, noticing the slightly confused look in the Austrian’s eye. “You don’t know russian, do you?”

“Ah, nein…” he rubbed the back of his neck under his sniper hood.

“Neither does Krueger.” Nikto looked back up at the sky. “Helps to…hide things from him.”

“Hide things?”

“Things some of us don’t want him to know.” 

“You mean your system?” Kὅnig couldn’t hold his tongue fast enough. 

Nikto’s eyes snapped over to him. “...did Krueger tell you about that?” He nodded a little, slightly nervous he overstepped. “...сука…”

“I’m sorry, should I have not said that?”

“Not your fault.” Nikto grumbled, adjusting and sitting up a bit more. He held out his hand. “Your phone.” He was a little annoyed, but was glad Kὅnig didn’t resist, taking out his phone and unlocking it before placing it in his hand. He sighed, and typed something into the browser before handing it back. 

Kὅnig read over the page. “...dissociative disorders?”

“I was diagnosed a few years ago. Acute, as they put it.” He didn’t watch him read the information. “Don’t expect me to tell you how or why.”

“I wasn’t.”

“Good.”

It was a lot to take in. He spent a bit of time just scrolling and putting things together in his head. “...you didn’t have to tell me, you know.”

“Да. But better I tell you than Krueger.”

“So…he knows?” The Austrian looked back over to Nikto, curiosity in his eyes. “He said he couldn’t get a straight answer…”

“Of course. We told him not to tell anyone.” he huffed. “He missed the part where we meant any of it.”

“Ah. Well, I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.” 

Nikto paused, looking over to him once more. “...thank you.” 

“Of course.” He didn’t want to make him uncomfortable after all. “So, do you like winter then?”

“...it brings some comfort to us.” Nikto replied, not taking his eyes off the tall man. He only nodded a little in return, not pushing it but seemingly open to hear more. “One of them finds peace in the cold. Comfort.” He settled, letting himself be a bit more open. 

“I can see that.” Kὅnig replied, nodding. “It can be nice to watch the snow fall.” 

“Да. She thinks so too.” 

Kὅnig thought for a moment. “Would you mind if I…ask some questions about your, uh…system?”

“Why?” was his immediate response.

“So I can avoid offending you.” He didn’t expect him to respond so…genuinely.

“Go on.” He didn’t see the harm, though he was tentative.

And they sat there, not minding the cold as Nikto answered some of Kὅnig’s questions. Things like “What do you call the others in your system?” and “They have different genders?” were simple to answer, and he was more than comfortable to. There were more sensitive questions he was unsure about, but the big man didn’t try to coax anything out of him. As soon as he saw the uncertain look in his eyes, he stopped, giving a small apology and changing the topic for a bit. Krueger had mentioned he had an odd talent for getting on everyone’s good side. He had thought he was just forcing everyone to be his friend. But just from how he didn’t press hard topics, it…didn’t seem that way. 

Nikto didn't bother to keep track of the time on a good day, but it felt like it was flying by. Questions and answers between brief pauses, information not only given, but received. It seemed like every answer he gave paid for a small story in return. For telling him about the therapy he went through after his diagnosis, he received a description of Kὅnig’s own sessions for his social anxiety - how a man bold enough to approach him for conversation could have anxiety was strange, but he was in no position to judge. A short explanation of how his alters work, for a more light-hearted story of the cookies Kὅnig’s mother made for his birthdays. It was nice to hear that he had a family life that wasn't in tatters. 

Ten minutes ago it didn't even seem like he was fishing for details on the disorder. He focused more on how Krueger became close to Nikto, and went on to tell him about his friendship with the others in the PMC. One long tangent. Even now, he was recounting the times Horangi had placed bets with him over seemingly random things. Unfortunately, his phone buzzed, an alarm reminding Nikto to get something to eat. Kὅnig stopped when he saw the masked man close his eyes and sigh. “What's wrong?”

“Nothing is. I have to go get food.” He stood up. 

“Have you not eaten yet?” He seemed pretty shocked, checking his phone. “It's six in the afternoon, Nikto!” 

“We lost track of time. It's fine.” He dismissed it. “One thing, though.” He stepped closer to him, staring him in the eyes. “Do not tell anyone what we have told you. Да?” 

“I promise.” 

He kept staring into his eyes, just to see if he was lying. He didn't seem like he was. “Good. Just making sure.” His hand came up, solidly patting his shoulder twice as he walked past him. “See you, Kὅnig.” 

Even as he left, he was glad the big man had decided to try. He was almost, in some way, disappointed the talk ended. 

Maybe it could go on longer next time they spoke.

[baynetta]

i love running to you whenever i had concept ideas because i feel like i wouldn’t be good enough to write them, i hope you don’t mind!

but omg, im listening to exhale by sabrina carpenter and i just got an idea—what if spider!yn just like…reaches a breaking point? like between the super hero life, her family life, and college life…she’s just super exhausted with everything, yk? i highly recommend listening to the song, it’s amazing <3

and miguel is dealing with a whole bunch of shit with his own life and matters so he doesn’t really see how exhausted and how bad she’s hurting inside until she shows up to hq the next day super exhausted. he’s giving her the rundown on the next mission and she’s trying her best to listen, but she ends up passing out due to lack of sleep and severe stress and he starts FREAKING OUT. like it genuinely breaks his heart seeing her like that.

exhale (mini fic)

there’s somedays you’ll ask yourself what you even bother to show up. what you even doing what you’re doing if it’s always causing you so much pain and distress, i mean you suppose to love these things right?… waking up at 5 am having to indure the loud horns and noisy neighbors, the feeling of the heavy cold smog making hard to catch a breath in such crowded streets that only nyc can offer, find a way to fit in such packed wagons. all this effort just to get to uni and being forced to face the hard but honest truth, that maybe you’re just not good enough. not good enough even for your family, it’s been countless times that you’ve been showing up late for dinner, all bruised up, evading your mom every time she touched the subject of you wanting to drop out, your late night scapes, how you became just so apart from everybody. what’s more difficult is how you stopped taking care of yourself, completely dissociating for days asking you how or when your life got to this point. you constantly are wishing to make yourself feel something, pulled you out from this stoic state. just the right moment when you feel comfortable enough to take off this weight that you been carry on for months. the truth it’s that you love saving people, be the hero that every person can feel protected by, but who’s taking care of you.

for miguel it hasn’t be easy either. when he decided to isolate himself planing the next mission, he started to miss again that warm-cozy feeling to have a company when he most needs it. it i’ll often think about what you said to him, about your family pissing you off lately. he couldn’t even listen to the rest of it, he just kept thinking of how much he’ll give to even have one. he took it as kick directly in the guts, something that just got incrustaded in his mind. he felt how the memories started to attack again, but this time he couldn’t make it stop, make them go away. he usually will find ways to distract himself, making the best out of his slightly nerdy hobbies, keep repairing the avarite sistem, train with the spider team, your smile, god.. when was the last time he ever saw it. you two had became so apart from each other the last couple of months that he barely has sees you without the mask, if he’s not giving you structions, he’s asking you to pay more attention, to be better. he wished he didn’t throw those dagger words at you, but you almost got killed and if that ever happened that’s on him..and only him. he just can’t.allow that.

as miguel gather the team to try give them a rundown of the next mission you could see just by the way he was standing, he’s simply not in the mood. and you were late as per usual. as you make your way into the room you try so hard to pass unnoticed by him, but even if you were wearing a sack of potatoes as a suit, you’ll never be overlooked by him, he just can’t help himself, always looking out for you, he’ll always find himself staring at you intensively. but do to the lack of sleep, and dehydration (srsly when was the last time you drink a glass of water?) impairing your muscle coordination making you stumble around, making noise, not paying attention. “oye! if you’re not going to pay attention at least you can’t stop distracting everybody”–. he barked. and you knew it was directed at you. it surprised both of you honestly. he really didn’t meant to do it, but as i said the man was stressing out lately. he usually will set you aside from the group, and reprehend you personally. but not today. and miguel could feel the instant regret kickin in as he sees the annoyed looks from everybody, feeling his heart sink deep in his chest as he sees you getting all flustered, distinguishing some harsh words being throwed across the room “agh, again?” “why she even here”. you noticed obviously, it was no strange feeling being a burden everywhere else but now here.. it was just too much, the pressure in your head starting to bump, feeling drizzled, how slowly your cheeks start to burn tangling your whole face, your legs start to numb, you took your mask off trying hard to reach for air, you were suffocating as you try to make your way out of there.

miguel notice it and it felt like his body went on autopilot, he wasn’t thinking anymore, he got to get to you. he calls out your name several times, but it felt like echoing in the back or your head as you start loosing conscience of your own steps, so you trip and inmidiatly got cought by a fellow spider partner from the hq, you try to mumble some words but you can’t even get to a full sentence. the last thing you distinguish is an “are you okay?” and all pitch black.—to nothing. miguel for the other hand was panicking, he’s face was full on horror, as he’s making his way in the circle of people that gathered around your passed out body. he just throw them around —“EVERYBODY GET THE FUCK OUT!”—. he yelps tragically, everyone inmidiatly started to back out, they simply don’t want to deal with him in that state (yeah he’s scary protective) as he gets to you, he inmidiatly drops on his knees, he’s in shock how could this happen, how could he allow this to happen. he took you delicated frame by his hands, one caressing your back, and the other supporting your head. he looks around in desbilief, he wanted to hunt down every single one of those crows eyes staring you down, not doing anything. fuck it made him go violent. “i said..everybody..out..out”—.

it was quiet but sharp, it’s visible how his fangs started to peak out and his eyes are mixed rage but an inscrutable pain, the man was not playing anymore. as the room left empty and your pulse started to stabilize thanks to the aracnid sense, preventing your body to go on an physical trauma. you sense how little strings of hair peaked at your noise, making it tingle, as you’re eyes adjust at the sudden light assaulting your sensitive vision. as you breathe in you feel a light-weight on your chest that moves with you as your exhale the lodge air off your lungs. you peek down and see miguel’s head resting on it. “hey” you whisper. he looks up to you with his glossy puppy eyes, his thumbs now brushing your lips making a trace down to your chin. “i’m sorry mi morenita” god when was the last time he called you like that, “i was not there for you”—. he coos as he presses his front with yours. “i’m..i..missed this” that’s the only thing that you managed to say, and it was true, you missed his intimate contact, his gentle touch. but more importantly you missed feeling safe.

(pd: i hope is not too much i got inspired, and also this hits home particularly so it’s the first time a relate this much with a y/n 😭)

[lapdogchase]

house season 8 episode 12 liveblogging (LONG post sorry)

sorry again. see why it took me 2 hours to watch 45 minutes

bandage placement made me think top surgery. god iwish i lived in the beautiful world i conjured in my mind for .3 seconds where chase took time off work to get top surgery

has anyone told him he probably shouldnt be having sex while also having an unhealed stab wound

thank god at least HE takes pills with water. unlike SOME PEOPLE (house 😒)

(respectful voice) big fan of.back muscles. Noreason for sharing just was moved by the spirit i suppose

every time house calls himself the c word i have an instinctual Hey man you cant say that reaction and then i go Wait he can reclaim nvm... Hes using it as a slur though

wait is this chase's apartmwnt I need to know fto write the most accurate fanfiction possible

guy who just got stabbed but is "fine" Okay man

NUNS......

can he stop standing and walking around and shifting his weight on his injured legs im nervous.

he was a seminarian......... i already knew this. but like. wow he has GOT to have some insane brain problems as a result. (thinks about "i had faith" "yeah that has baggage stamped all over it" exchange btwn him and adams)

^is this supposed to be hot or am i just insane

^BABYGIRL YOURE SO BAD AT THIS I LOVE YOU

i love you babygirl ur cool and casual touching ur hair despite barely having hair anymore is definitely showing how chill and calm u feel abt this conversation

"priests and nuns were the closest i had to family" :(

^what do u mean by this :(

"even though you don't find my case interesting, you find my interest in it interesting" AGAIN . CHASE KNOWS HIM SO WELL. and the pause after and looking at him like he's making sure he's reading him right and then house does exactly what chase expected. im normal about them

^oh you should ask chase about this topic im sure hes familiar #true /notprojecting

"your overreaction to your stabbing is to blame me even as you are drawn to me" ? i cant be the only one seeing homosexuality here

"how can you not be traumatized?" "can't change what happened. can only make better choices from here" me when im so not traumatized that i blame myself for what happened to prove im not traumatized.

"no one joins the clergy without having that epiphany.that god's love is speaking to you directly" <- needed to save this quote. not sure why. It will be helpful to me in my travels i think

this is sofucking good im. slurping this episode like apple juice Fuck

EVEN THE PATIENTS KNOW HES A WHORE!!!!!!😭

the first thing he has to know about being hypersexual/using sexuality as an unhealthy coping mechanism is that u cant drag other people into ur problems Especially if u have to interact with them regularly. (doubly so bc if they realize ur like, using them to worsen ur own brainproblems they will feel bad !!!) Fucking all the nurses at the damn hospital is like the worst thing he could do Now its followed him into his career Smdh. Well to be fair he probably didnt have an alter to tell him that. shout out mars i miss u every day

"i'm just looking for something more" "so am i" auoughhghhhhh

he spends all this time nowadays being like house but sometimes u can still see the earnest kicked-puppy look in his eyes

"you think im hitting on a nun? angry at god or i just need a challenge?" "Or you're terrified of intimacy, which is why you're a serial slut" MY JAW IS ON THE FLOORRRRR I THOGUHT I WAS THE ONLYT ONE SEEINF THIS SHIT!!! I PRACTICALLY WROTE THIS WORD FOR WORD THE OTHER DAY IN MY NTOES APP FOR THAT FUCKING. DIALOGUE I CANT STOP WRITING FOR SOME REAOSN.

got too excited about teevee show now i can feel all the blood in my body

"youre right i was running away" girl so is he :(

how it feels to lose urself in meaningless sex rainbow dolphin image :(and by rainbowdolphin image i mean not that

^😭 HELP

"there was a stabbing" ME WHEN I DISSOCIATE??? brother.see a therapist

"i need to get away from house and everything that reminds me of him" (house md 8.12) // "avoidance of trauma-related stimuli after the trauma" (ptsd criterion c)

"you're gonna get away from him by turning into him?" OH.... FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE IS SEEING THIS

i truly do not believe his little story abt how he got kicked out of seminary school im not buying thgat. me when i lie

he's like a puppy to me. hes so kicked puppy core. and his gay little outfit is so cute and i love him i want to pick him up and throw him against the wall. like a bouncy ball not in a sexual way. In a sexual way also tghough

DO NOT CONFESS YOUR LOVE TO THE PATIENT??? WHO YOU JUST MET AND SLEPT WITH ONCE??????

^in terms of how house is this is basically a deeply vulnerable discussion of his regrets and traumas

the little tiny barely perceptable nods i lvoe you i love you

[itsallmouthwashing]

Tulpar (Band Au) Playlist Expansion- Part 3

I can't fix the bullet points im sorry :)

As a late holiday gift, here's the next bunch of song expansions from the Tulapr Band AU playlist that correlates with the AU Im writing! Please enjoy 10 SONGS and the bit of story that goes with it. I'm gonna try and get these stories out, but im also on the fence if I want to do a full fic before I dive too deep on any details :)

Decline (Wide Ire)- A song Jimmy writes during one of his benders, before he goes missing. Of course he’s drinking as he writes it, and at one point he spills his glass of un-iced whisky on the pages, causing the illusion of his letters tumbling down the lines. He scraps it all, sparks a bowl, and starts writing. Sometimes, it’s the only state his creativity allows. As long as he’s high, he can write whatever comes to mind and still have it be coherent the next day. He feels fine as he jots it all down, happy, even. But when he tries to edit it in the morning, he can't touch it for weeks. He paralyzes himself with the need to get high and the need to do better. He gets so overwhelmed that he eventually needs to smoke to calm down

Make Believe (Memphis May Fire)- After a particularly bad break, Curly questions his sanity. The stress is piling on, Jimmy’s still missing, and he’s slowly losing his grip on everything. He works on the song by himself, turning to it when he needs to focus on something in his control. Sometimes he sings it under his breath as a way to ground himself. He know’s it’s his. He knows the reasons these words are in his head, and in a way it brings him back to reality.

When he screams, he screams for hope. Something, anything, to guide him out of the fucking darkness. He has a new way of dissociating: seeing himself in a music video. He feels himself in a tight black box, free to its whims of tossing him in any direction. He feels the cgi on his skin when he fades in and out of frame through another dimension’s video editor. Each time, he reaches for Jimmy. Each time, he hopes he’ll be there on the other side. Each time, he's not there to catch him when Curly falls deeper into the pits of despair. 

Psycho (When I Wake Up) (The Wildlife)- Jimmy’s stupid pinning fucking ass. Before he confesses to Curly. He writes it at the end of freshman year of college when things really kick off with P.E Records. When he fully realizes his feelings for Curly. P.E Records is suddenly demanding a ballot, the band finds it, (“How THE FUCK ARE THE DOING THAT!”) or Jimmy volunteers it when Swansea turns down all their other attempts. Curly is the one that sings it, and it does something irreversible to Jimmy’s heart. 

Jimmy performs this song at an open mic night. Curly follows him, as he has the habit of doing so now, and watches as Jimmy stares right at him in his usual hiding place at the bar. He doesn't break eye-contact, even as Jimmy walks out the side door. But when Curly follows him outside, Jimmy suddenly can't look at him (IM GONNA WRITE IT!!!)

Fine! (Public Theater)- Curly’s stupid pinning fucking ass. Curly writes this after he drops out in Sophomore year to focus harder on their music after they’re signed. He tries to convince himself it's about his band and the people he tries so hard to protect, but he finds when he performs it for the first time he realizes that its about Jimmy. Its always been about Jimmy. He plays it off like it’s a representation of the anxiety they’re all feeling suddenly beginning a career in music, and the story takes. But Curly knows. (Swansea too but he’s too old for that shit lmao)

If You Think This Song Is About You, It Probably Is (Destroy, Rebuild Until God Shows)- Daisuke writes this one! He gets cheated on :( he finds out his partner was sneaking around with someone-- longer brown hair and piercings almost everywhere. Dai is convinced that it's Jimmy- And one day he shows up to practice pissed. Jimmy tries to be supportive, being the first one to ask what's wrong, but Dai explodes, seeing his opportunity to confront him. Jimmy is adamant it wasn't him, saying he was out that night, but his partner's house wasn't where he was. He refused to say where, (he was at Curlys. For gay reasons) and Dai takes it as further proof. Dai throws the first punch, Anya throws the last. She's the one that breaks it up and forces them in other rooms. . Too bad they have a concert that night! (I have ideas to write this out fully, ill update when I do!)

HAMMS IN A GLASS (Winona Fighter)- Anya sings this one on her centric album. Written as a way to express her feelings about her studies and the stress she’s collapsing under (and written after she gets pulled over lmao). She mainly workshops it with Dai before it’s concert-ready. This happens a littler after finals week (not exactly sure in the timeline) and swansea demand the polish it ans get him the finished version at the end of the week. 

The music video is the second released under P.E Records and gets a great buzz going for the name Tulpar. Theri first album only had the budget for one music video, and that was (one ill figure out later sorry)

Mind Rider (Hail The Sun)- A song Jimmy wrote one day when he was feeling particularly horny and lonely. He fantasizes about Curly cheating on his girlfriend with him and has to take (many) pauses to rub one out in the writing process. One day the band finds it (“how the fuck do they keep doing that?? Gotta stop keeping my scraps out even if I wont care for them in the morning”),and knowing their fans are getting increasingly thirsty and would love a sexy song (hi, I’m fans) they polish it and Swansea approves it with no notes (does it help that Curly really plays into it? Why is he so focused on moving his hips?) (I understand the voice of the original singer doesn't really fit Curly or Jimmy, but by god is it a sexy song and the worms demand association) 

Sell My Heart (Whale Bones)- Curly writes this one while Jimmy is missing. He's pining, he's lonely, he's missing his best friend. It's part of the album that becomes a desperate plea for Jimmy to just come back to him. Come back to everything they've been working towards. Come back to me, please. I can't live without my heart. 

The Pantaloon (Twenty-One Pilots)- A song Jimmy wrote when he was younger about his complicated relationship with family. (TOP song is here cause Tulapr started as just two fucking dudes and yes TOP is the model). His parents were separated, in the process of a divorce (or at least really contemplating it), and his dad would never show up for their scheduled outings. He wrote this song on the curb outside of his family apartment and worked on harmonies until the sun set and the air chilled his fingertips enough he couldn't write without it hurting. 

He revisits it after his parent’s death. He’s going through a box of his old things they packed away to make space for an office. In it were a few of his old song-journals and in those journals were the desperate pleas of a child left to find his parents' love somewhere else. They were always too enamored with each other to pay attention to the things they were leaving behind

Shreddy vs Margeret (Ü Blue)- One of the last song’s Jimmy and Curly sing together before Jimmy goes missing :)

Cave In (I The Mighty)- Dai, Anya, Curly, AND Swansea wrote this one after Jimmy disappears. He’s struggling with addiction, pushing everyone he loves away, and limping off into the woods to die like an animal. It’s been years since anyone has seen him and they’re all so desperate for answers they release the song so that by some grace of God he’d show back up. And one day he does. He barges in during practice, sweaty and wet and feeling like a landfill. But they don't care as they all rush to hug him. Anya cries, Daisuke does too, Swansea’s sobbing by himself because he puts himself in Jimmy’s shoes. What if that was him? What if that was Swansea that ran off all those years ago instead of getting sober? He doesn't know if he’s sobbing from relief, or if its because deep down he does wish it was him- except he wishes nothing brought him back. Curly is the only one that doesn’t cry (at least not in front of everyone else) but lets it all out when he takes Jimmy home to clean up and rest. Buuuuut not before Jimmy fucking faints and they take him to the hospital instead [dont worry, ya’ll’ll get your fix in a while :)))]

[hellssheep]

Chapter 5: Big Truth, Small Justice

Amanda wakes up to see that Riley is already driving to Shaun’s place. She turned around to check on Wooly to see if he was sleeping alright. He is himself once again, and is still asleep during the ride. Amanda really wanted to wake him, but she is aware that Wooly likely had a much more stressful night than Amanda has. It's probably best to let him sleep a bit more. She moved the seat back to a near 90° angle.

“Good morning Amanda.” Riley greeted her. “Did you sleep well?”

“Kinda.” She responded as she stretched her limbs. “Im gonna miss my bed tho.”

“I know, I miss mine already too. The problem is that Hameln will probably expect us to go back at some point. I don't wanna risk any of you guys ending up in their hands again.”

“Yea, that would be awful.”. Amanda looked back at Wooly, finally waking up from his slumber. “How long until we get to Shaun’s house or something?”

“Fifteen more minutes. It won't take long.”

“We… Are you going to the house of that store owner?” Wooly asked as he is still a little groggy from waking up.

“Yea, we are.” Riley answered

“Morning Wooly!” Amanda greeted him. “How are you feeling?”

“I'm not really sure. Tired to be honest.”. Wooly scratched the back of his neck, before his eyes widened as if he just remembered something. “W-w-wait a minute. Did…did I really fight off a pack of giant rats last night?”

“Yep, you sure did.”

“No… hecking… way. That felt like a dream. H…how many was it?”

“Five, but not all at once. Actually, Riley helped with one of them. You did kill two of them if that's what you mean.”

This still left Wooly speechless for a few seconds. It's still a pretty appropriate response to slay monsters with your bare hands and zero combat experience. “That is still unbelievable. Aren't they double my size?”

“They are at least a foot or two bigger than you, but only when you are in your Hellhound form.” 

“My gods. Di…did I hurt anyone again that time?”

“Just the Husk Rats, and they deserve it if it makes you feel any better.”

“Husk Rats?”

“Yea. That's what Hameln called them apparently.”

“Of course it was them,” Wooly sarcastically mumbled. “What else do they want from us? Ugh, I shouldn't have trusted them in the first place.” Amanda is too familiar with that mistake as well. Hamelin even tricked Sam into agreeing to it, and it caused him his freedom and his daughter. That's what usually happens when you are too gullible and not skeptical enough.

They sat in silence for a moment. Amanda has a question she is wanting to ask:

“What is it actually like…for you to be that… that creature?”

“I don't really know how to explain it. you would not understand. I m… might jumble some words up.”

“I don't really mind. I'll try my best to understand.”

It took a few seconds for wooly to think. He took a deep breath, calmly exhaled, and finally told Amanda “It’s like… my mind is shared with another… more primal mind. Sometimes everything becomes a blur if it’s… conscience overpowers mine.”

“Oh, like Dissociative Personality Disorder or something?” Riley asked.

“I don’t… I don’t even know what that is.”

“Oh. umm… nevermind. You should put on your seatbelts by the way.” 

Wooly noticed that he doesn't have his seatbelt on him. “Oh right. Thanks for reminding me." He politely told them as Wooly finally buckled himself in.“...Anyways, I felt… kinda strong in some way. To be specific, I have incredible strength, speed and agility that I didn't know I had, and an incredible sense of smell and hearing. It's pretty neat and all, but… I feel powerless to the beast that I share that horrid form with. He…He has half of the control over my behavior, and it is stronger when our emotions are the same or if my conscience isn't there at the moment.”

“What do you mean about the last part?” Amanda asked

“Like… um… the best way I could explain it is… if I was paralyzed behind the plane’s control and the passenger took the wheel instead. Does that make sense?”

“Oh okay. I can kinda see that. If an autopilot has its own conscience and animalistic behavior?”

“Yea, more like that. Regardless, it's actually pretty scary because… I can't entirely predict when it will control me… or what it will do if it did. The scariest thing of all is the fact that I…I might harm someone I care about.” 

Amanda is aware of the struggle poor Wooly is going through. She tried to put her hand on his shoulder, but she couldn't reach from the front seat, so she unbuckled her seat and moved her way to the back.

“Amanda, stay seated please? We don't want a nasty accident.” Riley told her in a concerned tone.

“Sorry Riley. It’s for a good cause.”. Amanda rebuckled next to Wooly and comforted him. “Wooly, you don't have to worry about that. Unlike last time, you were able to not attack us.”

“I guess so. It's probably because I was consciously able to convince them that those Husk rats are a bigger threat than you guys.”

“Wait. You could talk to it?”

 “I think I can communicate with it and it kinda communicates back. I thought it just wants me to suffer, but all It wants is for me to survive so it can remain alive as well. The only problem is that it does not trust ‘human mortals’ very well, which is why it attacked you. All it is doing is trying to protect itself.”

“Oh.”. Amanda never thought of that. She was given the impression that Demons were alive since the beginning of time, knowing that people are less of a threat and more of a play thing. Can there be demons who haven't even seen the overworld? Perhaps cults like Hameln are trying to figure that out. 

Amanda asked “Well, If you are capable of talking to that demon in your head, could you ask why it doesn't trust people, and what its experience is like on earth?”

“I don't know if it is able to answer that. It's not an alien Amanda?” Wooly commented. Amanda laughed at that joke, and Wooly chuckled a bit too.

“You know what I meant.”

“Yea…yea. Maybe I will. By the way, thanks for everything you did during these few days.”

“ You're welcome, Wooly.”

Amanda thought for a moment. “You know what? I wonder if…” she reached her hand behind wooly’s ear. Wooly was confused by her gesture, but as soon as she started scratching the right spot, the inner canine kicked in. his tail starts wagging a little, his eyes closed in bliss and leans into her hand, his leg starts kicking the air involuntarily. Amanda couldn't help but giggle at how silly and cute it is. As soon as Wooly is aware of what's happening, he backs away from her hands, and gently pushes them away.

“Wha hey. That's… cut it out. It's weird for me at this moment.”

“Sorry, I just wanted to see if you would do that thing dogs do.” 

“I'm not a dog.” Wooly mumbles to himself. “I'm just possessed by one from hell.”

“Whelp, I guess we're here” Riley told the kids.

The car finally stopped in front of a house in a Cul de sac. This part of the neighborhood is decorated with many flora from green grass to large trees and pushes. Every house is painted the same way, except for their roofs. It’s likely the best place for raising families due to less car activity. Half a dozen neighborhood kids are running around and playing hide-and-seek or catching a football. Amanda wanted to join them, but now is not a good time to have fun.

Amanda was about to step out of the car when Riley warned her “don't forget to blend in guys.”

“Oh, right”

“And wooly, you can just put on the hoodie this time. I forgot to leave the corset in the car.”

“Thank goodness, I'm getting tired of wearing that torture device.”

After they put on everything, Riley got out of the car. They limped as they headed towards the house. Both Wooly and Amanda finally noticed the nasty bite. It is swelling, discolored and sealed by crusted blood. It was a deep wound.  Wooly followed behind them to make sure Riley doesn't lose their footing. While Amanda got out of the car, she noticed a group of kids checking out the scratch marks on the back of the car. all of them are stoked and spurious, wondering whatever happened that caused that kind of damage. It sure made a good distraction from the fact that a cartoony looking girl, an anthropomorphic sheep, and an injured person is heading towards their neighbor’s home. 

As soon as they made it to the door of the house, Riley rang the doorbell. Amanda looked through the window next to the door. The interior looked pretty modern, although the house lacks much fancy decor compared to Riley’s home. from the view of the window, All she can see is a leather couch, a flatscreen TV, and a dining table. The door finally opens with Shaun on the other side of the door.

“Oh hi there Riley. I'm glad you're here this early. Come on in and have a seat while I make you something to drink.”

“Thank you.” Riley replied as they continued limping to the couch, bringing Shaun’s attention to the bite on their leg.

“Oh god.” Shaun nearly shouted in surprise. He looked at Wooly and Amanda and saw that she was also bearing signs of injuries. “Riley? Auderey? What happened to the both of you?”

“It's a long story. But first, we need to see the recording of the incident.”

“Right. I will do that as soon as I take care of both of you guys. Especially you Riley. You need medical attention. You stay right there.”. Shaun left the living room to look for a medkit. 

“Not like I could go anywhere, but Thank you. ”

______________________________________________________________

Eventually, Shaun was able to set up his laptop to show the security video. Wooly and his friends didn’t mind waiting since he provided drinks of their choice and some cookies that Shaun had bought this week. Riley’s leg has finally gotten taken care of and propped on a footrest. It was nice compared to living in a car for half a day.

Shaun went to sit down with us with a worried expression as the video started. The black-and-white video was taken in a kitchen from the ceiling perspective. Benjamin entered the kitchen area carrying cleaning equipment to the closet. There was no audio in the video, but Ben suddenly turned around towards the front counter as if he had heard something. He headed towards that direction and looked over the counter, and that is when something lunged at him. Wooly was expecting himself to be the one in the video attacking him, but thankfully, it wasn't. The video quality cleared up and revealed that it was a Husk Rat that attacked Benjamin. Two more entered the scene to join in on mauling the poor man. It ended with the Rats searching around in the kitchen area after he stopped moving.

“I expected a bear or mountain lion attack, but instead it was some sort of pack of demons who had killed him. My friend didn't deserve to die, let alone being mauled by those things.”

Wooly was glad it wasn't him that killed Ben, but still upset about his death, because Wooly still thinks that he might be the reason why the husk rats went after him. If he let Riley themself reason with Benjamin instead of dealing with it himself, it wouldn't have led Hamelin to his direction. “I'm sorry about your friend. We didn't mean to involve you guys.”

“Wait. What do you mean Wilson?”

“Well, we didn't know Hameln were gonna send monsters out to get us. If we did, we could have stayed out of town in the first place.”

“Hameln? They did this? I thought they only made toys and…and that TV show you guys cosplayed as.”

“Well, I… My name isn’t Wilson. The thing is… Hameln has been testing the dark arts and experimenting on people. We should know because… we are victims ourselves”. Wooly says this as he took off his hoodie while Amanda took off her hat. “She really is Amanda, and… I am the real Wooly.”

“Holly Shit.”. Shaun’s jaw dropped as he let everything sink in. “this can't be real. What happened to you guys? And why do you look different wi…wooly. You got horns now”

“Like I said, it's a long story” Riley told Shaun. They continued to share the story of what happened and what Hameln has done, along with how Riley started learning about the dark side of the Amanda The Adventurer show, and what recently happened. Shaun listened to every word they said, processing everything he could understand. He was very attentive, despite the stress of knowing that the people you have met are on the run from possessed rodents and attempting to expose a group of necromancy scientists. Its honestly a normal response for someone who learned that their childhood animated show was actually a simulation made to entertain people and put the young showcast through psychological torture. And to top it off, the fact that your favorite character is basically suffering from demonic lycanthropy because of them. 

“...and now we have been chased out of our home and are looking for a place to live for now, and we want to learn more about Wooly’s condition. Are you okay there Shaun?”

“I…I'm trying to take all of this in. I'm aware that some big companies would do something bad or make bad decisions, but I never knew they could do something this malicious.”

“Yea, they hid their dark secrets pretty well, didn't they?” Amanda joked, laughing nervously and awkwardly.

“Poor Sam. I should have known that Hameln was the reason for his disappearance. I'm sorry for what had happened to you Rebecca.” 

“Don’t worry. I'm used to it.”

“One more question. Would you rather be called Rebecca or Amanda?”

 “Either of those names are okay.”

“Soooo…” Wooly interrupted, “Is there any way you could help us?”

“Well, for starters, you could live here with me. I have an extra room or two that I let visitors spend the night in. you guys can stay here with me for now. I have a few old toys up in the attic for you guys to play with”

“Nice. if there are any Hamelin products up there, I'll destroy them.” Amanda jokingly threatens.

“That would be fun.” Shaun jokes. “Buuut I'm sure we will be busy researching…whatever Wooly has, right Riley?”

“I'm not sure yet. Going back to Kate's public library would be a huge risk because of that…thing that attacked her.”

“What attacked who?” Amanda asked.

“Amanda, you know about that entity you have that protects the tapes from being destroyed? Well, Wo… There was another one that attacked someone that led me to the library. She was the one who led me to you guys.”

“Oh no, I… Riley I didn't know. I'm so sorry?”

“It's okay. It isn't your fault. None of us knew”

Wooly wasn't really sure how to feel about the news. Was Riley referring to the voice from the walkie talkie? It was probably a mistake to not trust Riley’s partner, but she showed up with them all of a sudden. After everything that happened to Rebecca, it's hard to really trust people. Break our trust and you lose it for good. Can they really trust Shaun too? Wooly is too distracted by his own thoughts at the moment.

“What do we do now?” asked Amanda again

“I guess we should relax and lay low for now. Maybe we can find out what Wooly’s inner Hellhound can do.” Riley answered. That last sentence was What finally caught Wooly’s attention.

“What!? I-I-I’m not sure that's a good idea!” Wooly shouted nervously. “I’m Unstable in that form! I would rather be in that form as little as possible!”

“Wooly, I know it's scary, but we need to try and understand this demon. Maybe we can get it on its good side, Train the both of you even.”

“I don’t think it would like that.”. Wooly fiddled with his hands nervously and his eyes wondered the ground processing what they would do to him. “Please. Please don't do this!” 

He starts seeing flashbacks of all the things that Hameln has done to him. From personal experience, being experimented on means you would be prodded, probed, dissected, controlled or tortured in some way until they see results they wanted. Of course Riley wouldn't do that, but anything that involves someone experimenting on you will always result in something bad regardless. Wooly started crying in fear of what he is gonna go through.

Riley noticed that Wooly was freaking out, so they tried to reassure him. “Okay okay okay, calm down Wooly. We won’t force you into it. I'll tell you what. We can just forget about that. Maybe instead we will just learn as we go. If you do turn into a hellhound, we will try to understand how and what caused it, try to calm it, and let it stick around until you change back to normal. We will just wing it with caution and care. How does that sound?”

Wooly doesn't know how research actually works or if there are ways to do it, but it’s at least better than Hamelins. It also sounds less dreadful than what he went through. “I…guess so.”

“Good.” Riley finished. “Okay, now that we got that out of the way, what should we do to pass the time?”

A sly look formed on Amanda’s face. “Oh I have something in mind.” she answered in a mischievous tone. She giggled like how a little troublemaker would. What did she have in mind?

______________________________________________________________

The Backyard that Shaun has is pretty big compared to the house. Grass covered most of the yard, and it could have grown bigger if the brick backing wasn't there to keep it from growing into the gravel. A brick patio that came with a brick fire pit built into it also matches the brick wall. There is a lot of brick stuff. Bushes as tall as Amanda lined up in front of the brick wall, like soldiers in the military, covering the concrete-like barrier. In the far corner of the yard, there is a single, flat-topped stump that barely rotted away. Amanda was looking through a box of toys Shaun grabbed from the attic, finding the ones with the Hameln logo on them. After searching through all the storage containers in the attic, She found at least half a dozen in total. four of them are hard toys while the rest are plushies. Some are a little broken, but why try to fix them when you can destroy something from an evil corporation. Amanda couldn't wait to wreak havoc on Hameln property.

“So, which toy should we destroy first?” Amanda asked everyone who came for the rampage, specifically Riley Wooly and Shaun.

“Tough question” answered Riley “should we start off with something big, or end it with a bang?”

“Oh… I can… hm…”.  It came to Amanda’s realization that she hadn't made many decisions when she was behind a television screen. She is usually the one who asks the questions to the viewer, never the other way around. She rarely took her decisions in her own hands, only to do so if the viewer is not being cooperative. Despite the limited power she has in the tapes, she had always relied on the choices of the viewer to mold her world. Now she has a choice that could change the result of this activity. Choices could either be overwhelming or exciting for anyone. As for Amanda, she was simply distracted by the thought of it, but not for long. She decided to grab the large wooden dollhouse with a pink roof and purple interior.  “How about this?”

“Great choice! Guess we're going big then! Hey Shaun what do you have that's destructive?”

“Whatever is in the shed over there.” Shaun replied as he pointed towards a wooden structure on the other corner of the yard. Riley headed towards the shed, opened the paint-rotted door, and peered into it. They used the flashlight on their phone to look what's inside.

Riley turned their heads and asked Amanda “how do you wanna destroy that dollhouse?”

“Surprize me!” Amanda yelled.

Riley went into the shed, and after a moment of silence, They came out with a mini-sledge with a yellow rubber handle.

“Just like with the piggy bank, huh?”

Amanda let out a bit of a squeak of excitement, hoping in place and putting her hands together. “You know me too well Riley!”

“Can we burn it after?” Wooly finally spoke after a while.

“Whoa.” Amanda replied. “Is that you Wooly, or is that the hellhound talking?”

“Thought it would be a great way to release my repressed rage on the company. Also, we have a firepit, so we should put it to use too.”

“That is the best idea Wooly. Now, let's get to breaking.”

Shaun grabbed something from the shed for lighting up the dollhouse: a match and some ball of lint to use as tinder. He placed them on the rim of the firepit and watched as Riley swapped the hammer for the dollhouse Amanda handed to them. They placed the dollhouse atop of the log and backed away from it. While Riley did that, Amanda was putting on safety glasses, mask and work gloves to protect herself from the rogue debris. She prepared to get a firm grip onto the mini-sledge, using both her hands on it. 

“You ready Amanda?” asked Riley

“ Way ahead of you.” Amanda responded with determination.

Amanda approached the dollhouse on the log, examining it and figuring out how and where she should swing the sledge at. After careful scanning and planning, Amanda rearranged her grip and positioned herself to strike the first blow. Finally, the hammer came down upon the small wooden structure in full force. The force made the roof of the Dollhouse collapse upon the first floor of the dollhouse, and bits of wood flew from it. It felt exhilarating for Amanda. She struck the house again, but from the side. This made a decently big hole through the walls.  They all cheered her on to finish it off. She rotated what's left of the doll house and gave the final whack. The structure finally collapsed. Three swings is all it took to destroy the doll house.

“I AM A GOD OF DESTRUCTION!” Amanda hollered as she raised her hammer in the air with both hands.

“Yea! Way to go Amanda!” Wooly cheered.

“You go girl!” Shaun exhilarated

“That was way more fun than expected.” Amanda told them. “So, who wants to go next?”

Wooly waved his hand in the air “I do!” 

He reached for a rubber rodent toy. As soon as he grabbed it, it made the sound of a squeaker. Wooly froze, and His eyes widened while his ears perked up. He turned his head to face the toy rat in his hand.  

“Wooly? You're not gonna do what I think you are about to do, are you?” she asked.

 He glanced at Amanda, then the toy, then back at her. There were a few seconds of silence.

Then Wooly started chewing on the rubber rat ravenously, trying to tear it to pieces.  He managed to tear the head off of the fake rodent. Wooly paused to process what he did, and spat out a piece of the toy.

“Oh… um… that wasn't what I wanted to do.” Wooly told Amanda with puppy eyes. “Can I try again?”

Amanda was expecting that to happen as soon as the toy squeaked, but she couldn't help but laugh a little. “Of course Wooly. I don't see why not.”

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

[kai-rio]

ggy song analysis III - the liar by the arcadian wild

im so normal about this song, the first time i heard it i immediately knew it was super uber ggy coded

(this is a long one so ill put my analysis under the cut)

by the way, i use greg and gregory as terms for different people - gregory for the character in sb, and greg for the persona we see in ggy

i sense theres trouble ahead, clear by the signs and warnings i think gregory would know that somethings up because i mean its probably pretty obvious if you have lots of gaps in your memory, or if he only gets control back for a little while after a long period of greg taking control, then he’d know thats weird too

that should tell where all blame is due, so why are they pointing at my head? this could be read as gregory not knowing the things greg’s done and being confused, if he notices vengeful tony & ellis then he wouldnt know why theyre vengeful

all have been led astray, we’ve all fallen short in some way literally a line in the game omg. but yeah i imagine during the short moments of control, gregory seeks comfort in vanessa and/or the other followers like finbarr or tape girl because he’d know theyre going through the same thing

please understand im ashamed he would feel guilty for greg’s actions once he actually remembers them or is told them by someone else

and i beg of you, please find your grace i think this reads as gregory trying to warn greg’s victims, like tony and ellis, but he’s unable to actually do anything

cause i'm not in a right state of mind, i just wish i had strength to admit it i doubt gregory would accept the idea of being one of the followers immediately and he might have fallen into a state of denial in a way

my stubborness will put up a fight, but i dont deserve to win it however, when he does accept it, he’d feel immense guilt, so much that he thinks he doesnt deserve to be forgiven despite how badly he wants it

we’re left in the dark, pondering our mistakes this could be gregory trying to piece together what happened during his amnesia gaps

in the light i swear i will deny it all i personally think that if gregory was to find out while he was still being controlled periodically, malhare might just try gaslight him into thinking otherwise to make him more compliant

cause i am the lying man, and i have made you my next victim ‘i am the lying man’ sounds like a title, maybe like greg confessing he’s ggy before he eliminates tony. the next victim obviously because the victims before were the therapists and i guess you could even count vanessa since he manipulates her - tony wouldnt be the last victim either, it probably continues on to ellis, crystal and maybe even cassie if gregory never escaped the control fully

oh i need you to see through my act, to tell me im wrong, to take off the mask again, this is about gregory trying to warn tony and ellis about his murderous counterpart, and it could be interpreted that taking off the dr. rabbit mask is a metaphor for freeing gregory, similar to how in the princess quest ending, our first sign that vanessa is free is that her mask has been abandoned

or else ill be left in the lie obviously this about still being trapped under the influence, but i also have another interpretation of this - i think that during the influence, gregory dissociated to an imaginary world where all the bad things didnt happen to cope with what he could remember, omori style

and ill decieve my way straight to demise i know everyone celebrates gregory for being like the first alive fnaf kid in the games but i honestly dont think thatll stay that way for long with how fnaf has a history of dead kids lol

i am the host of this hostility if the ‘wizards favourite apprentice’ line is true and not just greg pretending, then it would make sense for everything to revolve around him - he’s trusted enough to manipulate another follower and carry out a lot of murders so i would think its true. this probably means that gregory is under more surveillance than any of the other followers which would make it more difficult for him to escape

another interpretation of this is a ‘host’ that a parasite uses - this could imply that each of the reluctant followers personas’ arent specific to their body and could just inhabit a new one - this could be disproved by saying that each follower we’ve seen (vanny and greg) have made their names centered around their body’s original inhabitant, but then again that could just be them rubbing it in vanessa and gregory’s faces about their lack of control, or perhaps it was commanded by the mimic1 virus

im the master magician that makes you believe speaking of the mimic, if i remember correctly, there was a room in sb with a bunch of staff bots representing the afton family, and william was framed as a magician if sorts - the mimuc is supposedly mimicing afton, so it would make sense if it called itself a magician

im real, im not fake, but in reality im a lying man honestly i just think greg would be a fan of paradoxes and stuff like that, seeing how he led a trail of breadcrumbs for tony to follow

my lifes become this grand game of deception in gregs eyes, tony could be treating the whole ggy mystery like a game to be finished, a grand game because theres a high possibility of there being way more followers than we realise, already with 4 confirmed ones (vanny, greg, finbarr & tapegirl as far as i know)

my minds ignored all my hearts good intentions his mind because its mind control… yeah - this could also represent gregorys learnt behaviour of closing himself off from others to avoid them becoming another face on the missing posters despite only having goid intentions

we all feel this tension, we all have our own illusions the followers again, i imagine they all have their own ways of coping, perhaps by simply blocking everything out or pretending/dissasociating

[themageofblood]

In case I'm right... I want to be the one to call it 1st...

Nifty is roo/eve and here is my evidence.

Like I mentioned in a previous post. Nifty is presented as a joke insane character, however there are several instances in hazbin hotel that suggest Nifty is eve.

1. Husk says we don't want to even know what's going on in her mind. It may seem like a joke but I feel like that is a major foreshadowing event to prepare us for when nifty's story is told

2. In the rebuilding of the hotel everyone in the main cast has something that associates their character on the building. At the top we see the key with a giant eye that looks very similar to nifty's . And as the root of all evil wouldn't it make sense for her to be represented by a key (like the key to pandoras box if you catch my drift) not to mention the wings around the eye which supports my other theory below (#8)

3. She is a sadomasochist. She mentions that she likes being forced and likes punishing bad boys and if she were eve, Adam's 2nd wife she may have been created for Adam with traits that would likely appeal to him.(a personal maid, who doesn't mind being controlled, and is obsessed with a "bad boy" image much like adam) Her naivety and childish nature is opposite to that of Lilith's which may be because Adam wanted the exact opposite of everything Lilith was. Now I know what you're thinking "but what about her sadism traits?she expressed she likes to punish bad boys" and to that I say that may be a trauma response to having Adam as a husband who demanded control over women. Maybe getting Adam to eat the fruit of knowledge was her way of trying to get Adam punished because we know eve tempted Adam with the fruit that doomed mankind

4. Her reaction to killing Adam was,,, off. When she was stabbing already dead angels, she had a smile on her face the entire time. But when she killed Adam it's like she dissociated for a second before going into a much more manic craze then when she stabbed the other angels. Much like when she was staring into the camera and her face was just. :/ The fact that she was the one to kill Adam felt intentional. And if Adam was her abuser dissociating after killing him would make sense

5. Building off my last point nifty only does the dissociated face twice only prior to the wars events, and that was she was being videotaped. We know that Alastor owns her soul and some speculate that they may have eachother's souls and if that's the case alastors influence could be the reason for her reaction. Is she really insane, is he forcing her insanity, or is her sanity something she willing gave up with her soul in order for her to forget her pain? Is alastors aversion for video solely about him? Or is it about hiding something bigger? And if it is is nifty apart of that?

6. I know Viv said she died in the 50s but things can change since the pilot, like nifty's clothes. Either it's a roos (pun intended) or she genuinely can't remember and someone guessed for her that she was from the 50s based on her trad wife escape personality and her affliction to bad boys. A popular 50s trope And she went along with it.

7.Speaking of her clothes I know some people mentioned she may have been shot, but I think she was stabbed several times. Nifty is a very small woman. It would only take one shot to kill her and 3 seems excessive. Her 3 blood stains may be stab wounds. It would also explain why she's obsessed with stabbing. All the other sinners at the hotel seem to have addictions to the same things that have caused/lead to their deaths.

8 .im so surprised no one's mentioned this, but she's the only other character with red circles on the cheek, and who else has this? That's right Charlie, and the fallen angel lucifer. We know that all hazbin character designs relate to the characters stories and I don't think it was unintentional this detail was added to her character. We also don't see this on any of the other heaven born angels. Either she herself is a fallen angel and only fallen angels get red circles on their cheeks or she is somehow related to lucifer's story or heaven or something. Also, this may be a stretch but the poodle on a leash on her skirt may also be a hint that either she or someone else is on a leash....

9. She's the only straight character. Hear me out. Either Adam was so insecure about Lilith leaving him that eve was made to only like men to lessen her chances of leaving him (because Viv said she's the only straight character meaning Lilith is queer) or Viv chose her to be straight and a villian as a fuck you to the conservatives who have an issue with the queer themes in the show.

Anyway Maybe I'm biased because she's my favorite character, but that's my theory. A fan theory 😏

[daybringersol]

i think the reason that i love william wisp so much is that hes literally me when i was younger, like back when i was depressed, self-hating and refused to try cuz i was scared. i felt hollow, like there wasnt any personality left under that pain. at some point, the idea of getting better felt terrifying to me, cuz i didnt know what id find under all the pain and trauma, if there was even anything left under there.

// JRWI prime defenders S2 EP39 spoilers, tw for psychosis, derealisation and dissociation mentions

with this new era of william wisp, i wouldnt be surprised if I ended up relating to him even more. I think theres a lot of directions he could go towards, personality-wise, and even if he ends up not going the same route as me, i know that the idea itself of having to find yourself after so long spent hiding is gonna resonate with me no matter what.

another thing i find interesting is that i also got that moment when i realised that everything i wanted was at my fingertips, which was the catalyst for me eventually getting better. it was during my psychosis, this friend of mine (who i held in very high regards) ended up telling me off, i dont remember for what exactly (psychosis does funny things to your brain) but it was something related to me not trying to get better. they said something that triggered my derealisation, which of course, sent me into a derealisation/dissociation spiral for some months, and basically straight to rock bottom. of course, i wouldnt recommend that you do that for your friends who are going through similar stuff, im pretty sure i could have died multiple times back then, but in the end, its what pulled me through to where im at now.

i dont remember everything, but basically, the thought process was : nothing is real, its all made up in my head, so theres nothing stopping me from imagining a world where im happy and living in it. i wrote a poem about it, not my best work for obvious reasons, but theres still something to it i think. here :

I want to see tomorrow

I’ve been wishing my whole life for the strength to say "I'm doing great!" when someone ask me how I am

I've always had that strength

I can just say it

It's just 4 words

I

am

Doing

Great

Easy, see?

It doesn't matter if it's false

Or if the tone of my voice was off

Or if the way my eyes naturally met the ground as soon as you entered the room

It doesn't matter

So what, if I'm lying?

In a fraction of second, I might not be lying anymore

No

In a fraction of second, I won't be lying

I've been making planets and universes in my head since I could think

I never thought of making one where I was happy

Why should it matter if it's only in my head

My head is real, it's right there

And in the end, all the other stuff too was in my head

I can trust you

I can have friends

I can be myself

I can have my body back

I can be beautiful

Inside and out

I choose what is true and what is not

It doesn't matter if I'm lying to you

It doesn't matter if I'm lying to myself

In the end, we could be both only in my head

It wouldn't matter

So yeah

I want to see tomorrow

Even if it's raining and even if I don't even notice it's raining

I'll just close my eyes, and I'll have everything I've always wanted

so yea ! even if of course the superpower thing and coming back to life thing isnt very realistic, as a metaphor, williams story makes complete sense. i felt dead, back then. and i truly feel like a different person now.

and im looking forward to see where the story takes him in the future !

[nickolox]

((( long ramble post)))

trying to figure wtf is going on with your own mental health without the help of a professional + having a mental illness that already fucks with the way you perceive things (ocd) is genuine hell

like, I HAVE a psychiatrist, but he's fucking. awful and always puts medications first over like, figuring out what the fuck is going on

and everything about this whole procedure just feels like, off???

tldr: local man questions if he has The Dissociative Disorder™ whilst being simultaneously given red herrings and blatantly obvious eye opening signals at the same time, and has the same realizations 30 times over because i am in a constant cycle of denial, forgetting and then rediscovering this bullshit

so to put it in a nutshell most of my psychiatrist discussions about the big disorderly things go like this:

psych: so what are you experiencing me: i keep like, having these massive gaps in my memory, where i have no idea what happened or what i did or anythign for hours and hours at a time, and i looked up what that means and its apparently called dissociating? what does that mean? psych: right, that's a stress response. me: yeah, That makes sense. But I've also been unable to remember major events like my sister's wedding or my graduation... psych: well... obviously you were just anxious lol me: *remembers the photos i have as the only proof i have that those events happened, and im smiling in all of them* maybe?? i mean, it didn't seem like that was the case. psych: (completely ignores that) hmmm. okay. anyways- me: also I've been hearing voices??? psych: where? externally or internally? me: internally psych: (visible relief) oh thank god i was concerned it was schizophrenia for a moment, having an internal dialogue is normal :) me: i can't control the voices though, and they don't sound like my own voice in my mind. they're distinct, and it's not like my OCD either. psych: that's normal, sometimes people just imagine things ^_^

so, it was "anxiety" the first time, came back. told him this shit is still happening, and then he blamed it on my medications, and now i'm on a new set, which i suppose needed to happen anyways?

But like, he told me that brain fog and memory loss are a thing with prozac (what i was taking before) and i was like "huh no one told me that" to which he said "well no one says the full list of side effects because no one would want to take the meds otherwise"

i get home, i look up the fucking manual that comes with prozac when you go on it for the first time, and no where. NOWHERE. is this shit on that list of side effects. i look up a list of the side effects, dozens of sites, NOTHING!!!!

I speak with my bestie and he reminds me that,

I dealt with these problems prior to going on medication (something i didnt even remember, lol)

it has literally nothing to do with anxiety bc he himself has crippling anxiety and deals with none of the shit i do

i'm going to shit bricks dude what the fuck is wrong with my stupid brain, it feels like such a wild challenge compared to when i found out about my OCD, like, dude at least with that bitch it was consistent, it was 24/7. as shit as that was at least I knew it was always there, always there to be a bitch, but undeniable none the less.

This current mystery disorder is like, oooOOOooo i'm going to be here SOME OF THE TIME!!! to make you DOUBT it exists!!! and im sitting here like, is this a symptom or is this my ocd fucking with me bro

i feel like i might have some kind of dissociative disorder, but the problem I'm having is that it's not CONSISTENT??? like, some days I'll be like yeah this is the dream and then other days I cannot physically do anything, remember jack shit, feel like my soul is leaving my fucking body all god damn day?

why do people always talk about alters too, it's like, the one thing I don't experience, or at least, the one thing that's rare enough to not hinder me like the actual dissociation problems.

I feel like I can't be certain, and that sets my OCD off, because my brain goes "what if we're faking- what if you're overreacting" which in turn makes me go. insane. I am going insane.

there is sooo much more i could say, but i just realized it;s half past midnight. I should um. probably go to bed.

Goodnight.

[longhands-the-second]

Trimax vol. 3 notes

UGH UGH UGH

This cover is so sexy. The colors make my brain go brrr

I read and typed this the night before, oops. I needed something to make me less bored and sad and by god I got it. (<- has so much homework he doesn’t even want to look at it)

1- Based on what i’ve seen of future installments there’s a trend in the particular kind of body horror nightow likes to draw huh

The color of blood? Literally blood? I wasn’t sure if he was actually crying blood in the previous volume or not or if the tears were just darker bc art shit. I think his vibes are like that of a bird of prey. If that’s what we’re getting at here? (At least this version of him is. Stampede is a different beast. Somehow both cuttlefish and like, crow? I’m still yelling about the stampede finale-)

Does having high bullshit tolerance make you less human somehow…? What’s the logic here?

Is wolfwood saying that to him directly? Fucked up if so. He does NOT need more piled on him right now

2- im just flashing back to 98 wolfwood saying he’s never fired a gun before-

Does gray have the same sort of top that Vash had? The almost-tubing on the sides? Or is that just a favorite design thing?

That was pretty much all just fight scene huh.

3- EW EW EW

god, it’s only just now hitting that these are the faces of people he knew. People he cared about. Christ.

:( i want to get off of mr bones wild ride

I’m not like. Gagging or anything i just hate it.

The thing about Vash being quiet angry is that it’s almost got this elegance to it. Like his mind has left his body and he’s just running on his experience and skill now. He’s pissed and he’s dissociating. I feel like the whole room gets icy when he’s like that, even if you’re outside in the suns.

NO OH NO GOD-

FUCK I KNEW THAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN AND I STILL WASNT READY

4- does. Does he know him???

Oh hell.

He set off the sprinklers???

WET HAIR VASH

5- brad is much more of a character than i was expecting.

God i can just hear wolfwood in that moment

Well. Yikes.

HAHAHSJSJJS milly jumpscare

6- what the fuck that piano is so cool

Seeing vash with both arms feels illegal somehow

Or no, does it have some kind of cover on it? Or is that what it looks like below those gloves?

He is SOOOO not okay right now

Woah damn is that what luida looks like here?

Im sure he’s just beyond relieved to see people lived.

Oh wow. Im… proud of him for admitting it? Something like that? God he looks so tired

“Woah vash you’re fucking ancient aren’t you???”

7- he is a solid 70% leg. Good for him.

He looks so normal it’s very strange.

True immortality???? Maybe that’s why knives is baby smooth every time we’ve seen him. (Ick.) (there’s some part of me that wants so badly to like knives on the grounds that I understand where he’s coming from but he’s literally the fucking worst.)

There goes his arm. Again. Why is it always that one?

He genuinely reads like a different person with his hair down. Maybe that’s just me.

Did. Did nightow give mike mignola a copy of trigun. Better yet did he read it? We’re asking the real questions here.

(I made a poll for Vash’s vibes and the results are mostly exactly what I expected? Will post my findings. Manga Vash has the most variety so far.)

((Will I be able to do anything cool for Vash’s birthday? Who knows. Crossing my fingers I can hold it together that long, I am SO done with my summer classes and I wanna go home.))

(((I have had the worst stampede brainrot recently. It’s the purple color scheme and the flowers and the everything at the end. It fuckin EATS. I want to hold him gently.)))

[t4tprinzzy]

You

i wrote this in a heavily dissociated state (that im in once again). it’s a bit of a personal piece that i struggled to edit. i hope y’all like it

Summary: Janus is dissociating, and Logan wants to help

Characters: Janus, Logan, Roman (mentioned)

Pairing(s): loceit

Warnings: written experience of a dissociative episode, the feeling of giving up, idk what else

Word count: 933

~

Janus couldn't read the words on the page. He was too far gone.

He vaguely noticed Logan walk into the room. He probably said something, but Janus couldn't hear over the sound of the white noise in his head.

He came back to his body when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

He looked up at Logan. "Hello, darling." He took in Logan's expression, furrowed brows and slight frown, and became concerned. "You seem troubled, Logan, is everything alright?"

"I'm fine," Logan assured. "Are you?"

Janus may have been dissociated, but he wasn't stupid. He knew what Logan was getting at and decided to deflect.

He placed a hand on Logan's, which was still on his shoulder. "Better now that you're here."

"Flattery will not deter me. Are you dissociating again?"

Janus looked in a random direction to avoid eye contact. "No."

"For the embodiment of deception, your lying skills could use some work."

Janus sighed. "It's fine, love."

"It is not. Would you like to do a grounding exercise?"

"I'm so sick of the grounding exercises."

"It's certainly better than the alternative."

"Is it?"

Janus closed his eyes and wished he hadn't said that.

"Is doing a grounding exercise better than dissociating? I'm inclined to say yes."

Janus sighed. "It just feels so... pointless. We chase it away and it keeps coming back. It's exhausting. After a while you just... wanna give up."

Logan knelt down to meet Janus at eye level. "Do you not feel better once the dissociation has passed? Is that not worth fighting for?"

Janus didn't have any arguments left in him.

"Why don't you get a shower?" Logan suggested.

Janus smirked. "Why? Do I smell that bad?"

A hint of a smile appeared on Logan's face. "No, it might help with the dissociation."

Janus sighed. "It's so much effort taking a shower. I have to get up, get clothes and a towel, go into the bathroom, turn on the water and adjust the settings, get in the shower- you see what I'm getting at here?"

"You're breaking it down too much. It might help if you view it in three steps; prepare for your shower, get in the shower, and get dried and dressed."

Janus saw no reason to argue with him. "Alright, I suppose. I'm sorry, I don't mean to make everything so difficult."

"You're not making anything difficult. It's just that certain things happen to be difficult at the moment. And that's perfectly alright."

Janus felt a sudden swirl of emotion in his chest. He finally looked at Logan. "You'll be here, right? When I get out of the shower?"

Logan held his hands. "Always."

Janus wanted to smile, and tried, but there was no telling how it actually looked. Hopefully Logan knew how much Janus loved him.

Step one: prepare for the shower.

Janus managed to climb out of bed, going to his dresser and getting some clothing. He had towels in his bathroom, so that was taken care of. It seemed that step one was already done.

Step two: get in the shower.

Janus turned on the water, piping hot. He stepped in and let the water flow over him. All he could do was stand in place for a moment. The water felt especially nice on his scales. After a moment, he finally began washing his hair and body, and it was as though he was washing his dissociation away.

Step three: get dried and dressed.

Janus was actually rather reluctant to step out of the shower. He managed, drying himself off with a towel and putting on the clothes he picked out.

Except the shirt he picked clung to his skin in the worst possible way and he couldn't stand it another moment.

Taking off his shirt, he put his dirty clothes in the hamper and stepped out of his bathroom. He put the shirt back in the dresser and turned towards his bed.

He smirked at the way he caught Logan staring.

"I traded dissociation for mild sensory overload, so... no shirt."

"Ah, I understand. Does that mean the shower helped?"

Janus walked over and laid down on his side of the bed. "I'm still a little fuzzy around the edges, but... it did. Thank you."

"Of course, dear. Is there anything you need?"

Janus gave him a sheepish look. "I... I-I'll do a... grounding exercise."

Logan smiled briefly. "Alright. Five things you can see?"

Janus looked around. "Bookshelf... painting... TV, dresser, and... you." He smiled over at Logan.

Logan grinned. "Very good. Four things you can touch?"

"Blanket... pants... um...." He reached over to his nightstand and picked up an abandoned mug. "This mug. And...." He held Logan's hand. "You."

Logan's cheeks turned pink. "Excellent. Three things you can hear?"

Janus listened closely to his surroundings, chuckling slightly. "Uh, Roman singing musical numbers next door... um, the ceiling fan... and...." Janus leaned over and rested his head against Logan's chest, listening to the gentle thump of his heartbeat. "You."

"Good job. Two things you can smell?"

Janus inhaled deeply. "Me and you."

"And one thing you can taste."

Janus leaned back to look into Logan's amber eyes. He pressed his lips against Logan's, smiling softly as they kissed. He pulled away after a moment.

"You."

Logan's cheeks were fiery red now, his eyes filled with stars. "Only you could turn a grounding exercise into an opportunity to flirt."

Janus grinned. "I'm a hopeless romantic, what can I say?"

"Hopeless sounds right," Logan teased.

Janus chuckled. "God, I love you."

Logan pecked his lips. "I love you, too."

[sinbrook]

Who is the muscluar big guy from trigun that I keep seeing?

BLESS BLESS BLESS thank you for asking me about Trigun!!

So I think you probably mean Livio?

Livio and Razlo are my BOYS man, they're my guys. OUGH.

Usually I am Not A Fan of characters being added to the main cast super late in the game, but I think him being introduced a little earlier as a villain superrrr helped me accept him as Part of The Gang. Ya know? He's one of my favourite characters and I just adore him. That being said, it's really hard to talk about him without spoilers. Like, really hard. Actually Trigun is hard to talk about without spoilers! So I'm gonna shove this long ramble nobody is gonna read, under a read more. I'm a kind soul, I'm protecting your dash.

Also total warning, this isn't like... legible, this is the worse way to learn about the character cos im just going "wow it was cool when he did this thing... and also this thing... hes so cool i love him" for too many words.

So I'll address his main sort of... thing, first off. So Livio has dissociative identity disorder, and like, for a lot of it, it's quite clear that Nightow didn't exactly go in with a heap of research on the subject. However, I wouldn't call it a negative portrayal at all. Ofc its not really up to me, but like, he wasn't really portrayed as dangerous because of his disorder. He and Wolfwood have the same backstory, they're dangerous because of The Eye of Michael and those dudes have always been explicitly condemned in-narrative as, y'know, the baddies. It's less "he's bad because he's bad" and more "he does these things because he's been conditioned by a cult from a young age to do these things". His disorder is like... not even a factor. The Eye just likes stealing kids and training them for bad stuff, man. And like, you do feel sorry for them. Both Livio and Razlo have been hugely manipulated by Chapel in particular, who positioned himself almost as a father figure, and certainly led them to believe he cares about them. So like, it's not really surprising he does everything he's asked to, he hasn't really had anywhere else he's felt cared for. Anyway I LOVE Livio's intro in the manga. We're told two guys are coming, Livio the Double Fang, and The Tri-p of Death.

Then these two dudes show up:

And like... you make the obvious assumption that those are the guys, ya know? Sure looks double-fangy to me. They're then shown tearing through a bunch of intimidating looking dudes to sort of, hype up how strong they are, right? But nuh cos see.

Livio just comes in and wrecks their shit, picks them both off as though they were nothing.

and to be fair, they are! He's a very high-level eye of Michael dude ya know?

So yeah, that's our introduction to Livio, fantastic way to show that he's just, like, strong as hell. We learn he's joining the Gung-ho Guns, so y'know, oof, he's now in direct opposition to our heroes, supposed to make you nervous and all. Anyway he and Chapel show up every now and then to just be... y'know... annoying. Try and kill him a lil y'know... that sort of thing.

It's these fucked up family reunions that we love ya know. This is totally me at Christmas.

Anyway this time was rlly funny because Elendira rlly said "you three are so annoying pls leave your drama at the door"

And they DID hahaha. I don't blame them, she's scawy.

Anyway what I think I like most about Livio is how like... y'know, sweet he is. He's kinda like Wolfwood in that he's a total sweetheart at his core but life just hasn't let him be sweet, ya know?

When Jasmine was in trouble, baby Wolfwood didn't even hesitate to run out and save her.

And Livio was the same, you know? And after The Couch, Livio even says, he wants to live his life like Wolfwood so like, we've got these two dudes with near identical journeys.

From orphans, to initiates, to assassins, to good guy with a gun lmfao. Despite what Livio does, it's really hard to ever hate him, and Razlo, too is extremely sympathetic...

Like he's got his own motivations and shit he's working through, man.

Anyway I really love during the Elendira fight when hes like, struggling to beat her, how Razlo gives Livio his own sort of hype man experience like the manga flashes back to how hard Livio worked to keep up with Razlo and the Eye, and Razlo is like hyping him up the whole time. It's really nice and wholesome :)

Anyway his journey from emo cult man to himbo cowboy was fantastic and I love Livio so much, he's a sweetheart.

And I loved his appearance at the end of the manga, like, showing he was looking after the orphanage and stuff.

And also this whole scene where he and Vash ate together made me cry.

[mayuichi]

“Happy birthday!„

Itto x Reader! No warnings at all!

Note: for everyone: it will not fit your personality/life since it's dedicated to that goober, and i aint sorry about it. There's no name at all for the reader, nor gender (normally) so anyone who wants can read it, but there's other names (like those of two friends), so you can just skip it if you prefer to my goober: hAPPY BDAY BESTIII!!! POOKI YOU TAKE ONE MORE YEAR! HERE THAT GIFT TO CELEBRATE THAT DAY (and also bc i have no money so its the least i can do) I HOPE YOULL ENJOY ITTT especially since you know my current condition ahukfds :( you'll directly know who are referred in that, first bc one is myself.. and you'll recognise the other DIRECTLY. LOTS OF LOVE ON YOU AND IM SURE YOULL HAVE THE BEST DAY EVER!!!

White Day 2023 art by みやも!

The sweet cold of December hits your cheeks. Your lover had to force you to put your coat on. It's not even like you felt that cold... A jacket would've been just fine. But your boyfriend is way too caring to let you risk catching a cold.

You're on your way to your work. It isn't as exhausting as some others. You're an artist, working on commissions and your own projects. It means.. Your hands hurt pretty regularly. You could've worked just fine in your office at your house but.. You needed to dissociate personal life and work. It motivates you further, as you know once you're home, it's only to take care of him and you.

You get on the bus to lead to your workplace, your headphones on, listening to Rare Americans, Hey Sunshine to be more precise. It's your current favorite music.

You feel your phone vibrating, only to see a text from your boyfriend. “When do you finish work today?„ you think to yourself, yet mostly to enjoy your music. “I don't know, maybe around 6?„ he simply answers a OK.

He most likely asked you to know when to get home from his hangout with his friends. He told you he'd meet his gang. You have met them too, all friendly. You first thought it was because you're Itto's partner but perhaps, it was genuine.

You reach your stop, now walking to your building. You're pretty lucky, your bests friends themselves help you paying that place, also because they work there for their own commissions, despite it not being in art.

Entering the main room, you see the both of them chatting together, and you join them happily. “Hey! How have you been?„ Lysandre greets you with a bright smile, her hands behind her back. “Since when do you work during Sundays?„ Toa tilts her head.

It's true, usually you keep the weekends for yourself but... “To be honest, I'm extremely late and I need to pay the rent next month, I can't just slack off.„ you admit. Money is a good motivation...

They burst in laughter, knowing you aren't even joking right now. Then, Lysandre steps closer to you, until she wraps her arms around your chest in a gentle hug. She's the shortest of the three of you, and you're the tallest. That alone makes everything so much funnier.

“You know...„ she steps aside, looking behind to Toa. Toa leaves to the kitchen to retrieve a box from the fridge. “We wanted to give you something...„ Toa walks closer to you with the box, handing it to you.

You raise an eyebrow, taking the box to open it. Two strawberry tartlets are inside, ready to be eaten. You snap your head up, glancing at a proud standing Toa and a more shy and reserved Lysandre.

You open your mouth to say something, but nothing comes out of your throat. You just stand there, smiling and staring at the tartlets. “Happy birthday!„ they say in sync.

“We know it's not the strawberries season but...„ Toa nudges against Lysandre, in a quiet chuckle. “My grandparents harvested a lot last summer, so they gave me some of their fruits and vegetables for me to freeze and eat when I wanted..„

You open your mouth to say something, but nothing comes out of your throat. You just stand there, smiling and staring at the tartlets. “... Thank you.„

After putting it back in the fridge and hugging close your friends, you went to your office to work. At least now, you knew what you'd eat for dessert at lunch. And to think they baked it for you? That's really sweet of them.

You work pretty hard, staying focus, and when lunch comes, you three just chat together again. About the weather, your love life - even if you're the only one having an actual partner, Toa is too hesitant to make a move and Lys'... is just completely empty right now.

It's soon enough time for you to go home. You're the only one to leave now, but the two girls come to tell you goodnight and wish you a happy evening with Itto.

Talking about Itto.. You've been ghosting him all day long! Too focused into your work, you entirely forgot about your phone. So you look at it to see... Wait, why all the messages are either deleted or just bit of sentences?

“Itto, is everything fine?„ you hop on the bus, knowing it'll be a long drive. “Fine! I'm fine! Just busy with the boys haha!„ something seems off, but you just shake it off.

You're also a little disappointed. He didn't wished you a happy birthday at all today. Did he forgot? It wouldn't be surprising from him. But it makes you... pretty sad.

After what feels like forever, you finally arrive home, taking out your keys to open the... wait, did he left the door open?

You enter a dark room, trying to find the switch. Once you do, you close the door behind you and hang your coat and scarf. It has been a long and tiring day, but at least you have managed to work on everything you wanted.

As you're about to sit down on the sofa to relax, a shiny light picks your interest. Resting on the windowsill, you cautiously step closer. You don't remember having anything like this... But it was just a key.

Wait. Since when do you need a key for anything at home beside the front door? Yet it was way too small to be used on the front door! Inspecting each room, you try to call out for Itto, but there's no sign of him.

A sudden fear strikes you. What if someone came in? If Itto did forgot to lock the door, it could've been possible. You hurry to your office, where there is every paperworks and your computer. But on the desk, right in front of your keyboard, there's a box.

You're confused. Confused as fuck. It's locked. Hesitantly trying to unlock it with the key, you see inside a beautiful golden necklace. Carefully picking it up, there's a note. “Turn around.„

If you'd be in a horror movie, you'd know better than to turn around. But, life isn't a movie, isn't it? So you do as told.. Also because you're stupid. But luckily for you, it's only your boyfriend!

You're already pretty tall, yet he's taller.. and much stronger. He holds his arms out for you to come in, which you instantly do. “Happy birthday!„ he laughs out. “Have you done all this for me?„

You can feel him panic, as a sweatdrop runs from his temple. “Well... Kuki helped me a lot to know how to do it... I didn't wanted to be like everyone else and just hand it to you!„ he claims. That's always him. He wants to make you happy, but in a complicated way. Without Kuki, he'd probably still be stuck to finding an idea. You'll have to thank her later too.

You chuckle, feeling his muscular arms holding you tight without accidentally strangling you. You take his hand to place the necklace in. “Help me put it on, please.„ he nods. You hold your hair out if needed, feeling him try to clip it on... and failing a few times under your laughters, which makes him embarrassed.

He lets out a low growl before scooping you up and placing you on his back. He takes your coat and throw it over your face, taking his own that he doesn't put on yet. He lowers himself a little to get through the door.

He leads you to an empty park. At this hour, not many kids are outside, so it's only the two of you. He brings you down, finally wearing his coat as you do so too.

“So, where do you want to go, your highness? I'm your humble servant, for tonight only!„ he jokingly bows before you, allowing you to lead the way.

You decide to just make a runaway, have fun together and messing around until the night comes. He chases you around as you please, going to get you drinks and even food. You sit near a river to eat in silent, your head leaned against his arm.

He misses to trip a lot of time, and when he does, you mock him. Who wouldn't when they know their partner didn't got hurt? But Itto has been quick to stand back up and run to you, taking your hips to lift you and turn around rapidly. He loves to tease you whenever he can.

He just loves to prove his affection to you. You're his, he's yours, what else could matter? You'd go through any hardship together.

The night is fast to fall, and beside some cars here and there, it's empty. Having for only company each other and the street lights. But none of you care. Holding hands while taking a stroll around the city, you don't care how much it's getting colder.

The warmth of your boyfriend alone is all that is needed to keep you from freezing. You hum softly, knowing that day couldn't get any better.

He leads you to a hill, helping you climbing it before sitting on the grass. You're sitting in between his legs, his arms wrapped around your waist. You stargaze in silence, his chin resting over your head.

From time to time, you point out some stars, and when you're about to do it again, turning your head to him, he takes advantages of it to lean in and gives you a passionate kiss.

Leaving you breathless, he presses his forehead in the crook of your neck. “... I couldn't have found better than you.„ he mutters.

Your heart melts at his words. You press your hands against his, sighing in contentment. “I couldn't either. I suppose we found each other, right?„ he simply nods.

You stare at your new necklace for a few seconds, before turning your head back to him since he breathes out. “Having someone as goofy as me is the best feeling. I hope you had the best birthday I could ever give you.„

again, HAPPY BDAY POOKI!! I HOPE YOULL HAVE THE GREATEST DAY EVER AHJGFSA SILLY GOOFY GOOBER ITS YOUR DAY TODAY AND GET THE MOST OF IT!!

/ᐠ - ˕ •マ Ⳋ mayuichi's property. do not repost, copy or translate without permission.