#when i was like less than a year old a huge dog came into our front yard and like scared me or whatever and i havent been the same since 💀

[goofyjelly]

I'm afraid of dogs and Causing a Problem

[wistfulnightingale]

A Mini-Meta Musing (#1)... Anything To Protect Crowley

I'm always a bit surprised at how Aziraphale is underestimated in the fandom. (I know he's in everyone's bad books rn, but breathe deeply and hear me out!). I've seen a lot of debate about how much, in his relationship with Crowley over the years, Aziraphale is rigidly fixated on right/wrong, good/evil, and uses it to push Crowley away. Sometimes, however, these discussions forget to take into account how often Crowley was punished by Hell. And Aziraphale knows.

Once he understood the constant risk of retribution the demon faced, Aziraphale's primary instinct and his self-appointed mission in the relationship became Protect Crowley. No matter what. Protect Crowley even when his friend is careless with his own safety. It's a huge factor in why he so often pushes Crowley away in later years, when they seem to be beyond all that. And I believe that it's also the real reason he built the bookshop.

Aziraphale desperately hopes the bookshop can help keep Crowley safe.

It takes a very long time for Aziraphale to recognize how dangerous their relationship is for Crowley. In the early centuries, the angel is buying the Party Line -- if you made it through the Fall, you're holy and perfect. In Eden, and again in Job's cellar, he misses the demon's ironic humor and is very caught up in holier-than-thou thinking. That doesn't exactly enourage Crowley to confide his secret shame. Our devil-may-care demon desperately wants to look confident and dashing and independent, not fearful and bullied. Eventually, however, whether Crowley confided or Aziraphale guessed, our foolish Principality realizes the danger, and he grows up a lot.

By 1601, at the Globe Theatre, he's more worried about the cruelty of Hell then Crowley is. Aziraphale at first *looks like* he's scorning Crowley's proposal in the arrangement, but he's actually trying, in his own way, to subtly "shush" Crowley's loud and daring carelessness. We know this because he then worriedly reminds the demon that, "if Hell finds out, they won't just be angry, they'll destroy you."

I propose that Crowley did actually get punished for his indiscretion in some way, sometime after that. When he shows up at the Bastille in 1793, sure, he's putting on fashion-model poses to impress the flirtatious angel, but he's also much less relaxed. There's a tension and moodiness in him that, chronologically, wasn't there in Essex or at the Globe. He's cynical again. But he doesn't tell the angel-- not that we know of, at least. Possibly because Aziraphale is feeling flirty and practically radiant that his handsome friend came to his rescue!

The meeting at St. James Park in 1862 was a defining moment for Aziraphale. Crowley had been literally sucked into a Hellhole, screaming, for saving Elspeth in 1827 Edinburgh. At the park in 1862, he's visibly stiff, barely even turning his head, carrying a cane, and incredibly subdued in all ways. There's no energized pacing, no hand gestures or leaning in. He hardly moves. His corporation was included in Hell's punishment, and he looks broken.

Aziraphale couldn't possibly NOT see this. We know he was worried when Crowley was taken. We see this in present-day when he slightly bullies and borrows a phone immediately after remembering the events of 1827, just so he can check on Crowley! Back in 1862, he sees Crowley's despair and brokenness. Again, he handles it indirectly, and hurtfully. If he can't keep Crowley safe, he'll push him away, for his own good. Like an old tear-jerker classic movie where the little boy tearfully chases away his beloved dog so that the mean villain won't shoot it...

Aziraphale is an intensely emotional being who often seems overwhelmed by his own feelings, leading him to handle difficult situations badly sometimes. However, he's also incredibly loving. The former Guardian of the Eastern Gate is a protector by nature and by choice. He loves humanity, and risks his ethereal status repeatedly to protect them. He loves Crowley, his best friend, whether he feels safe to admit it aloud or not. He'll risk anything, including the friendship itself, to protect him.

For 1800 years, Heaven didn't have an embassy in London. If Aziraphale just wanted a physical building to store his treasured collection of books, he could have done that. Heaven is a corporate hierarchy with paperwork and red tape. There surely were requests and filings and complications in trying to get an official Embassy authorized! Possibly he could simply have obtained permission to own a simple shop as a "cover" to fit in with the humans (like eating sushi!).

Instead, the bookshop is a Heavenly Embassy with miraculous protections. No one can enter unless first invited, not even angels. Only Crowley can freely come and go, at least until the chain of events at the end of Season 2. Prior to that, the bookshop is a safe place for them. Crowley is visibly more relaxed there. He and Aziraphale get along there, laugh and tease, and have their closest moments together. They are safe there, and Crowley can't be harmed within its walls.

This was Aziraphale's goal. He had too often felt the helplessness of witnessing how his relationship with Crowley put the demon at constant risk, even before 1827. From the time their friendship truly began at Job's home in Uz until Crowley was kidnapped by Hell in 1827, we never see Aziraphale try to discourage or end the relationship. Every interaction except Essex (537 A.D.) brought them closer together, and even Essex was quite collegial until Crowley first proposed "The Arrangement." Aziraphale hoped that creating the bookshop, with its protections, would help keep Crowley safe, or at least give him a temporary haven where he could relax and breathe more freely.

Imagine how powerless Aziraphale must have felt when 1827 slammed home the realization that he could never do enough to fully protect Crowley from Hell, or from Heaven for that matter. Yet, despite the danger, Crowley always seeks him out again, at continued risk. "Ducks have ears." Someone may always be listening. No wonder the angel unilaterally tried to end the friendship. Not a fair or emotionally healthy strategy, admittedly. But Not too difficult to understand.

-----

Final note, my own fun little imagining about the shop name: A. Z. FELL & Co. I know that adding "and Company" was a common business technique to make one's appear large and prosperous. It wouldn't be unusual at the time for a single shop owner to use, particularly for a property as impressive as Aziraphale's. But it's my personal belief, be it fact or headcanon, that the angel was entirely thinking of his best friend when he added "and Company" to the shop name. Crowley has an open invitation, Crowley is his guest, his companion. Crowley is welcome company. A & C. A.Z. Fell & Co.

[canyoufucksoniccharacters]

It's time.

Alright, this is gonna be a long one. Not only am I covering the canon, mainline game Sonic, but his offshoots as well. Specifically, I will be covering Sonic in the mainline games, the Paramount movie version, Sonic Prime, and a tiiiiiiny tiny little itty bit of Archie. IDW is, from what has been implied as of the past about year and a half, canon; and it will be treated as such (with some caution, of course.), so it's not going to be handled separately.

Let's do this.

Alright, let's start as early as absolutely possible. There have been several, several statements regarding Sonic's age; the earliest of which was courtesy of our good old friends over at...

There would be a certain (mildly loud) funny video here, but Tumblr's weird barely present copyright protection probably kicked in. Anyways...

In the Sonic The Hedgehog cartoon, also known as SatAM, we get 2 tidbits of information. In the 2-part special called Blast From The Past, we see that Sonic and Sally are about the same age, both being kids of just about equal maturity. Later, in episode 24, Sally states that her age is 16. So, far as we could tell, Sonic was 16, or around that range. Now, we know that these cartoons aren't canon, but they definitely did have an influence over the canon of the series. Fun fact for you, Sonic's love of chili dogs was made up by the cartoons, and later adopted during the modern era by the games. Ain't that neat?

Chili dog related tangent aside, this was the only source we had for Sonic's age at that point. I've seen some say that he was stated to be 15 in the manual for Sonic 2, but upon trying to verify that claim I came empty-handed. The manual does mention Tails being 8, but no mention of Sonic's age as far as I could tell; and the same goes for every other Classic Series game. Except for...

Sonic Jam, the Sonic game absolutely no one cares about! In part because it's not much more than a game compilation and tech demo that served as the stepping stone for Sonic Adventure 1. Sonic Jam includes profiles for Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Eggman. This is in both the Japanese and English version, and both contain ages for the characters! Tails is listed as 8, Knuckles as 15, and Eggman as "??" or Unknown, in the case of the English version.

This brings us to Sonic, who I will be using the Japanese profile for.

The part that says "年令" translates to "Age". So, here it says that Sonic ranges between 15 and 16... Whatever that means. In the English version, it just says 15. Either way, all these make sense for these games. Sonic's characterization back in the day was all in on the rebellious teenager angle, an effort to give him an air of edge and coolness that other platforming mascots didn't have, which did admittedly win people over during the heat of the console wars! Sonic was absolutely huge when the series was new, to a degree that other mascots just couldn't match up to. Of course, that dropped off over time, but that's a discussion for another day, and not on this blog. This blog is about gay sex, not the videogame industry.

So, Sonic is either 15 or 16, most likely 15. All is good here, everything lines up, other than maybe the fact that Amy was listed as 8 in the Sonic CD manual, but that's probably fine considering back then her crush on Sonic was treated as a one-sided admirer type thing, rather than an actual romantic interest (That was usually reserved for Sally in media that actually cared about that kinda thing, anyways.)

So, fast forward to the Dreamcast; Sonic gets a redesign! Longer limbs, green eyes, and overall less chibi-like and seemingly more mature appearance. So, you would assume he's older, right? After all, him an everyone else around him got the same treatment, except for Eggman who... Seemingly just became a smidge more realistic. A smidge, anyways. You can only be so realistic being shaped like Gru.

Well... Yeah! It would look like it, since no further statements about his age were made, and in the Archie comics, they actually aged him up a year to justify his change in design. Archie isn't canon, obviously, but it shows the direction that was taken; as the players aged, so did Sonic, no matter how much people got up in arms about the green eyes for some strange reason.

... And then Sonic Heroes came along.

Perfectly fine game, mind you! One of the more polarizing ones, sure, and some of the writing could have been a smidge better (specially on Amy's side of things), but overall not really anything egregious. But for our sake... This hellspawn was born.

Ah, the Sonic Heroes US manual. The root cause of incredibly stupid Sonic shipping discourse; as well as the really, really inaccurate Sonic Channel ages.

All vitriol aside, let's look at what it has to say about our blue blur.

... 15? Really? When our previous estimate was also 15-16? Are you actually telling me Sonic 1 to Heroes all happened within less than a year? Amy got aged up from 8 to 12, which... Either age would be a bit concerning considering they're still pushing the whole romantic interest thing, one-sided as it may still be. That aside, it makes no logistical sense for Sonic to still be 15 after he's literally physically shown to be older.

On top of that, this same manual ages Espio down from 17 (In the Chaotix manual) to 16, and Vector up from 16 to 20. Vector I can believe, but uh. Aging down isn't exactly a thing that most people do.

What's worse, this age was then listed in the official Sonic Channel website... Even after they made a game where the first thing you see is Sonic celebrating his birthday. Meaning he had to have been 14 before that game to stay 15, which is contradictory to say the least. Additionally, there's a potential time gap of 5 months between SA2 and Heroes, only ever referenced in the Playstation 3 PSN release of Sonic Heroes.

This age was never once modified, even after Sonic Forces' 6 month timeskip, meaning Sonic had a birthday party, was locked up for 6 months, and somehow didn't age a year during all that. Nor after the several infrastructure-demolishing incidents such as an entire city being flooded and wrecked, the planet being shattered into pieces, among others.

And you wanna know something funny? In Sonic Generations, Classic Sonic is explicitly stated to be Sonic from the past, which checks out considering how he behaves less maturely and is proportionally much smaller. And then in 2015, the Classic Sonic style guide comes out.

15.

15.

15.

Somehow. Some. Fucking. How. Classic Sonic is listed as 15... While Modern Sonic is listed as 15 too. Oh, Amy is also listed as 12, by the way. Despite that being her (ALLEGED) age in Sonic Heroes.

Unless they're from different universes or something, there's no way-

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE

Yeah, so, Sonic Forces released 2 years after that guide. And it tried, emphasis on tried, to retcon Classic Sonic into being an entirely separate character. This was, however, later undone by Sonic Origins both re-establishing the Classic games as taking place in the past, on top of a TailsTube episode saying as such; that Classic Sonic is, indeed, from the past. It's even stated that Modern Sonic is who Classic Sonic grew up to be!

IDW doesn't make our job any easier, either. This is information from when the Tangle & Whisper story was ongoing;

However... I'd take it with a grain of salt, as it's from before IDW was considered canon, and back when Sega was much more strict on the mandates and what they did and didn't allow in Sonic media. Plus, this was still the age listed on Sonic Channel, before they removed it.

Oh yeah, that. Why don't we talk about that?

On October of 2022, all the ages on Sonic Channel were removed.

This... Was a good move. SonAmy is still being pushed ever so very slightly, with Amy's crush still being present in a recent short even if she's much more mature about it now, which would make their age difference less than ideal. On top of that, the ages really just didn't line up chronologically speaking.

So, where does that leave us now?

In this interview, Takashi Iizuka is asked about Sonic's age; to which he responds that "He's a teenager."

"Teenager" is a bit of a loose definition, probably on purpose. Generally speaking, the range for teenager ranges from anywhere to 13-19, to 13-21 depending on who you ask. Some people make the cutoff at 18, though that's almost never done when it comes to scientific material.

So, let's recap. Sonic is still considered a teenager, but he's always been considered one, all the way back from the Classic series. So, we can safely assume Classic isn't 15; either that, or he was, and the modern series takes place during anywhere from 2-6 years, which I could believe. Either way, he's at minimum about 13-14, as he's a younger version of Sonic who hasn't hit a growth spurt yet.

Then, we have anywhere from 1 to 2 canon birthdays for Sonic, depending on whether you count Runners as canon or not (which I would admittedly not at all fault you for not considering it canon, considering it's a mobile game; and a discontinued one at that), as well as a 6-month timeskip during Forces, potential 5-month timeskip during Heroes (which isn't the most unbelievable proposition or anything, considering it would be a bit weird if Shadow was presumed dead only to show back up like a week later), and a bunch of events that have caused severe structural damage to key locations in the world, namely during Sonic Unleashed and Sonic Adventure 1 as the 2 biggest examples. Oh, and Sonic Forces throwing absolutely everything into disarray on a seemingly global scale, which would take quite a bit of time to be fixed, specially considering that's still an ongoing process in IDW.

On top of all this, it's outright shown that these things don't just happen every week or whatever, things happen off-screen, characters get time off to do their own stuff, and from the looks of it, Murder Of Sonic The Hedgehog is canon, as nothing there conflicts with canon and it's officially endorsed. Which means WE HAVE YET ANOTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY, FOR AMY THIS TIME.

Further proving the point i just stated, let's look at the geographical Prison Island. This is what it looks like in Sonic Adventure 2.

A big, mechanical prison complex made out of nothing but cold hard metal. Filled with robots, not a single trace of nature in sight. Said nature however is not too far from these military bases, though! These forests are also on the island.

So, these are the two main parts of Prison Island. Abundant nature, and military facilities. There's very little difference once the story progresses further, though, as the island...

Fucking explodes. (Clip from Sonic Adventure 2 Real-Time Fandub. Credit to SnapCube.)

So, why is this relevant? Well, we revisit this location in Shadow The Hedgehog! The game, not the guy.

As we can see, there is no longer any difference between nature and construct. The base has been completely abandoned, and overtaken by the nearby forests, with greenery sprouting all over it. Now, it's not impossible that plant life in the Sonic series grows a bit faster than real plants, but methinks that an entire military base doesn't get overtaken by nature this hard within a month. There's entire new trees, grass and plants growing all over what was previously pavement, not even the walls are safe! Every single area is either covered in toxic waste, plant life, or both. Plant life that, again, needs time to grow. So there's likely a pretty big chunk of time between Sonic Adventure 2 and Shadow The Hedgehog, even though they're only separated by 1 game, Sonic Heroes.

Add that to the many many reasons these things can't just happen on a week by week basis! On to my next point...

No, proportions don't really mean anything in terms of age. Sure, Vanilla is quite big, and so are the conductor and his wife, but Rouge is undoubtedly an adult and her proportions are more or less the same as everyone else. So all they help distinguish is between children (Tails, Cream) and non-children. In this exact screenshot we see that Vanilla is much taller than rouge, almost being at eye level with each other despite Rouge sitting on an elevated surface, while Vanilla is standing. This height difference is also present in the games, although we rarely get to see them next to each other.

So, all this taken into account, the fact Sonic has been a teenager since the Classic series, the fact there's been a few timeskips and at least 2 birthdays, several events that would need some time to recover from, specially with a still-ongoing recovery process after Forces, the fact Elise is allegedly 17 in 06 (which would make her whole romantic subplot with Sonic even more uncomfortable than it already is by default if he was any younger than say, idk about 16 years old at the least), among many other reasons that I may have forgotten to mention, the chances of Sonic being 15, hell, even 16 are very, very slim. At the very least, he's got to be about 17, and he could honestly be as old as 19 or 20 (depending on whether Iizuka meant he's of adolescent age or a teenager).

So, if you do still view Sonic as a minor, that's perfectly fine, and honestly believable; but with all these facts stacked up, as time goes on, it will be less and less likely that him being underage will be a real possibility. This isn't the Pokemon anime. There's actual structure, lore, and a proper sense of scale; and something like Sonic's age being frozen at 15-16 just wouldn't make any sense.

All this to say, Sonic is, most likely, no longer a minor. There's some wiggle room where he could be one, but 18-19 is the most likely option, specially considering how Frontiers was comfortable with pitching his voice down. Yes, it was for the sake of the game's tone, but Tails's voice for example didn't have that much of a difference to it, because he's a child and it would be weird for a character to sound so much older than they actually are- and this goes for Sonic too.

So, in conclusion, after extensive analysis and every source I could find for Sonic's age taken into account;

You can, most likely, fuck Sonic The Hedgehog.

...

BUT IT'S NOT OVER YET.

We need to take both his other iterations into consideration, as well as address characters whose fuckability status depends on him. First, the alternative versions.

Movie Sonic

This one's a kid. On top of acting much more immature and inexperienced, outright described as irresponsible- hell, Tom even says "Whether you wanna hear this or not, you're still just a kid. You've got some more growing up to do before you're ready to be the big hero". He acts like a kid, is referred to as a kid, and hell, it makes sense, the movies so far have adapted Sonic 1-3&K, the games where Sonic was still just starting out his adventures.

Prime Sonic

This one's... More uncertain. He's definitely quite immature and inexperienced; though he feels more... Reckless than anything else. More of an attitude problem than an age problem, really, considering how Amy and Shadow act, two characters who should be about the same age as him, but that act much more maturely for the most part.

This one's pretty up in the air, I'd say, considering how Prime seems to be comfortable having their own versions of the cast (going by how different Shadow seems to be and how he has seemingly no attachment to Rouge, who is one of the people he trusts the most in canon).

Oh yeah, I haven't watched season 3 yet, but I doubt it changes much of anything about this judgement.

THE SONIC-DEPENDENT ONES

THE ROBOT SONICS

While they're all likely able to consent (... Okay, Mecha MK. 1 is a bit more dubious on whether it's sapient), it would probably be unethical to fuck something that's made to look like someone who's a minor. While they were made when Sonic was definitely a minor, he isn't one anymore, and the resemblance is still there to pretty much the exact same degree, so there's really no ambiguity here.

You can fuck them. Go ham, robot-fuckers.

SCOURGE

Look, we're not covering the mess that Archie can be. But from what I gather, Sonic is, at most, 17 pre-SGW. And this is just an alternate version of that Sonic, who likely didn't go through all the uber weird shit that makes Archie Sonic's age a nightmare to deal with. So, no, unfortunately for a lot of you, you probably can't fuck Scourge. Fortunately, though...

SURGE

Surge's age is, according to this post by IDW artist and writer Evan Stanley, around Sonic's age. So, what goes for the hedgehog goes for the Tenrec, you can most likely fuck her. Go ham.

... Elise?

She was 17 during 06, and some time has passed since then, and it would be weird if she had any bigger of an age gap with Sonic, plus plenty of time has passed since 06, so... I guess you can? I don't see why you would, but power to you, I suppose. Can't judge.

MIGHTY AND RAY

These two have been here since SegaSonic The Hedgehog in the arcades, which happens even before Sonic 2 does! Ray is never once really implied to be young, no matter how much he may seem like Mighty's Tails equivalent (Which... He's not meant to be. He was made before Tails.), and he's most likely about even with Mighty, who is most likely the same age as Sonic, seeing how they're meant to be parallels (down to Sonic's sprites being rehashed for his sprites in Chaotix), and the Japanese manual for Knuckles' Chaotix listing him as 16.

They're here mostly because Mighty is a partial Sonic counterpart, and Ray tends to be anywhere that Mighty goes these days, so they might as well be treated as a package deal.

So, yes, you can most likely fuck them... Even if we have absolutely no idea what their modern versions look like. Seriously, where the hell have they been? At least we know they're fine, considering it's been stated that they're off on their own adventures these days.

Aaaand... That's it! That's all the Sonic-dependent characters I could think of, at least ones that I think don't really merit their own posts. TL;DR

Metal Sonic, Mecha Sonic, etc: Fuckable Scourge: Unfuckable Surge: Fuckable Elise: Fuckable Mighty: Fuckable Ray: Fuckable

The "Fuckable" marks should go with an asterisk, as Sonic's status is "Most Likely Fuckable", but still.

Phew. Finally done. I've spent pretty much all goddamn day writing this. Hopefully this is useful for someone. Hopefully. God knows it'll make my job easier.

I'll just go write the alt text and go eat something, this took... Way longer than I'd like to admit. See you when the post goes up.

Go ham, you beautiful horny bastards.

Edit: Future OP here! I had to remake this post because the DIC bit earlier somehow triggered some weird copyright stuff on Tumblr, basically hiding the post from anyone who isn't directly looking at the blog. In the meantime, I added that bit about Prison Island to further add to his potential fuckability. So his margin for being a minor is even smaller now! How fun! Anyways, now I'll be seeing myself out for the time being. Thanks, and have fun.

[rose-harmony96]

So like we are currently undiagnosed, and we experience a lot of internal doubts about our plurality. We would appreciate advice, affirmation, a reality check? Idk, something.

We are pretty certain that we are traumagenic but its not like theres some single event that stands out. We suspect we first started breaking around the time the world started to expect us to be a boy and by the time we were in elementary school we got bullied all the way into the game me and my friends used to play until it really did become real within me, the stories would run out almost automatically, my "character" was always at my side, growing, changing and evolving, eventually becoming twins and then there were all the supporting characters and even a layer of side characters, almost npcs? And like all of this, what we are calling the darkwater, thats where those of us who live up near the surface now actually grew up. The person that we used to be, the one who made the darkwater to begin with more or less got lost down there around the time things in reality went to hell around middle school, at this point those 3 years are a pretty huge memory hole save for a the friend who set off our queer/sexual awakening and the chunck of time around breaking our arm. Otherwise its just kinda loose, formless pain that we might honestly actually be able to dig something out of if we really really focused in but it hurts to try. Hischool at least we found our people, even met another plural person and immediately connected and felt less crazy. We openly explored a bit back then. Never really got into the depths of thr darkwater and all that but our(their?) Friends knew about a few of us at the time. In the darkwater, this was also the time that some version of most of us that live near the surface now started to form. Post highschool and anything that isnt us realizing that we are and freaking out because the male parts are smothering and supressimg the shit out of us is pretty blurry. Like i think we forgot about plurality as an issue for a few years there maybe or rather "oldself" was trying to smother us out or something. Then there was the first big mental breakdown/manic episode broke that deadlocked miserable fuck into the old dog and the lost little girl and like we were actually jade at the surface for a while there, not just calling ourself jade while oldself tries to numb it out but we were actually us, actually her. And like voices from the darkwater were coming. back, the scenes were more vivid... at one point in there we started listening to bambisleep and eventually bambi took root, going fucking nuts, and she ended up finding alex, who we figure was from that first split waaaaaay back when, (who had been the seed of an entire archetype whithin the darkwater). And like we were mostly bambi jade and alex for a while, more or less. Until another huge manic episode came blowing through and left jade totally shattered and our current family to pick up the pieces and maybe try to get out shit together?

And like our switching is pretty free flowing, we are all more or less around most of the time. A lot of the time we feel less like any particular individual and more like the collective will of the whole darkwater(?). We have huge holes in time and memory; but whats normal, whats drugs and like what even is amnesia. "I" have never experienced "getting thrown in the trunk" afaik but alex is pretty clear that she spent most of childhood "trapped in a box". We kinda like having our real family all together in one body and for some reason that feels invalidating or something?

This got long af and probably less coherent than we want but im gonna go ahead and post anyway, probably also send it to our theres once we get one.

-lilly, mostly i guess. Akiri as well probably.

[simonsaysbark]

Notzmo Simon Sez "Simon"

7/14/08 - 10/28/23

There's all these things I want to write.

I'm struggling. I'm a better writer than a speaker, but I'm going to ramble. Lots of words, and somehow, it's not even close to being enough.

Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted a Blue Merle dog. I know. I know. I'm going to get all my show friends and dog friends who shake their heads and say color doesn't matter. I know it doesn't, but- it did for me. It does. I love merles, I love how they look like fog in the woods on a Pacific Northwest Morning. They're swirls of grey and black with pops of tan or muted gold, all different patches. I adored them from afar. I grew up with an Old English Sheepdog, we had friends with merle Aussies and other merle dogs and man, did I covet them as a little girl. However my dog life went a direction I didn't forsee, to German Shepherds. Search and Rescue was my thing, my GSD's were wonderful at it, but the shop kinda took over my time. I showed Shepherds too, enjoyed that, but Matt wanted something a little smaller in the house.

So I did my research. I talked to folks, met dogs, and Corgis fit our lifestyle and our household. Cardigans especially. I could live with that, I've had herding dogs my whole life, they're a big dog with a giant heart and work ethic but with short legs. They had all the things I loved about Shepherds, and not so much of the things I sure can live without.

Plus they came in merle. Geninuely merle, a true pattern of the breed.

We ended up with two rescue Pems from rough beginnings, but man, I still wanted that Cardigan. I don't think I've ever told my Cardi folks how I sneakily went to dog shows, tried talking to some of the breeders a bit around my area. Most of them didn't have time those days. Me? I was too worried about making a mistake or being rude, coming across badly, and I was also hyper aware of how busy folks are at them and didn't want to push. I guess that was okay. Universe testing me, do you really want this breed? I did. The more I was around the ones I saw, the more I loved them.

So, I sent out a whole lot of email inquiries to folks, with pictures of my German Shepherds, with what a story of, what I did, that I showed, I trained. I think I had pictures of my dogs and my fenced yard, haha. I admit, I'm a little terrified to cold call folks, it's- it's hard for me. I told them I was willing to wait for the right dog to come along. I wanted something healthy, I wanted them to maybe try doing SAR or some dog sport, I wanted to try showing, but- I wanted a blue merle too. Years were fine. If I'm to be honest no one really answered, but I was patient and kept trying. Then I heard from Dona and Sharon, who-- had a litter and a pup that might fit what I wanted. It was way earlier than I expected but I was game. I told them, I loved working dogs, I love thinking dogs, I plan on doing all these things with my dog.

They picked him out for me, and he was everything they said he was right down to when I first met him at the airport and took him home, he snuggled and was calm and observant to everything, confident and thoughtful about his new life. He then snatched his leash in his mouth when I put him down on the lawn and took himself for his walk. I'd been warned he did that. He did it his whole life; he would carry his leash for the first few steps of every walk, just to let you know if he really wanted to, he could yank it out of your hand and do it himself just fine, thanks. He was housebroken in an instant. He only slept in a crate by the bed for less than a month before we found him curled up asleep in the big dog bed at bedtime and took a chance on him staying out and he was oddly perfect. I kept waiting for the terrible rotten teenage stages, but no. Simon never put a foot wrong, you could trust him flat out the house. He never made a mess or got into anything he wasn't supposed to. Period. Never chewed a single thing that wasn't for chewing. He played with my huge Shepherd, brave as could be.

And oh gosh. He loved toys. He loved fetch. Fetch. Ball. Ball. Ball. He was more focused and driven than some of my working line Shepherds I have owned. Way more.

I took a few pictures, posted them for myself on my blog that I'd had the Shepherds on... and was like huh, the camera really likes this little guy.

Little did I know what I'd let out of the box. Once he found that camera though, that was it. Folks ask all the time, did I give him treats? Did I train him to pose? Nope. Never. Not for pictures. I sure encouraged it, but to be honest, his reward was going out and posing on stuff and knowing he was awesome, throwing out his chest and strutting around Seattle like he owned it, taking walks in the woods and the crags and mountains, running through streams and dirt. Mud and filth and full tilt, but you never had to worry about him getting into trouble out there. He stuck close, and always kept an eye on where I was, even as a pup.

Simon snored in the bed. In the middle of the night he'd squish himself as close as possible, put his muzzle over my neck and his heavy, stubby leg over my shoulder and drool. He loved to cuddle. Cake was his favorite special treat in the world. His eyes would get like saucers over cake. I've shared so many dog friendly cakes. You could ask him if he wanted a bath and he'd make a decision on the spot, yes or no and hop himself in the tub on his own accord, which always made me laugh. He could swim like a otter.

I made so many friends from blogs and places that are long gone on the internet. Was overjoyed when I met other Cardigan folks on photo sites and blogs, because at the time you really... you didn't see them at all. Our online photo blog secret Cardi society and all that. My photography hobby and skill improved with him in massive leaps and bounds.

He was an internet star with followers before the net blew up into what it is now. I've thought about that over the years and to be honest, I'm glad it was that way because I got to know so many people on a one to one basis. We never did things specifically for money or fame like I see a lot of now. His fan base was organic and loved him just because he was a funny, expressive, and cool dog. Most of you who follow me didn't start following me for me, and I like that.

It was such a shock to me but a good one - I'm a bit quiet, but here I own this dog that's as extroverted as it gets, and it worked out. I was his faithful Nikon Paparazzi, he was my famous good looking actor. We would go places and people I never met before would ask me about my dog. He was a fantastic breed ambassador. People loved to hear what he was and learn about Cardigans. Many folks randomly recognized him from his blog, from Tumblr, from Flickr. I had people lean out of car windows or walk by us and snap a picture of him. Once I wasn't paying attention and he stopped mid stride when we were out in Seattle, and I nearly fell over him. As I managed to keep my feet (I said some naughty words, heh) I realized that I'd never saw the man leaning out the window with the phone camera in hand at the light by the theater snapping a shot. Simon sure did, and he was chest out, ears up, until the car behind the guy honked and the guy hastily waved at us and went on.

He helped me meet Cardi people, get involved in the breed with folks. I credit his presence for so many of my friends in this breed that I adore and who mean the world to me in Cardidom. Who helped me learn to show again after I lost my eye and was even more stressed about public moments because I didn't want to drop a dog on the floor off the table, or miss a cue. A big blue icebreaker. He oozed charm. He knew he was all that, but in the way that he didn't have to be in your face. Lady dogs loved him, it always cracked me up because he surprisingly wasn't into the girls. He was so easy to deal with around the ladies, and always polite to them. He'd give up food, treats, anything and was a gentleman- well, except when a ball was involved. (Dearest Kate... I'm sorry he ran into you like a Mack truck that one time we were all out playing. We all heard his big noggin crack into you like a football helmet, and he about laid you flat. I hope you get a chance to knock some sense into him in return, in that place where all good dogs go.)

Simon tried showing, because I wanted a show dog to show. To be honest, he has a few points but he never enjoyed it like Caleb. It really wasn't for him. He did it for me, because I wanted it, but his big ol' heart was in agility and fetching things and photographs. His second to final time in the ring still cracks me up to this day. I used a flat collar for agility and photo stuff and a thin chain for conformation. Well, I was in a hurry. I was late to the show, running to find my ring, so I left the flat on him. We whisked by the agility ring and he was totally on his toes and excited and happy and I was like "no, come on, let's GO." Oh boy. That was a mistake. He eyed me, eyed the ring, and gave me an absolute stink look. Simon has always been the sort to tell you he's not amused. He never pulled a punch when he thought you were being unfair. I was an idiot and blew him off because I was running on ring-jitters and coffee and panic because that's what you do sometimes.

So he got in the ring, he's on his toes and looking like a million bucks, gaits, moves out, stacks beautifully on the table and I'm like wow, wow, awesome, she's looking at us and he's showing off for everything he's worth. The judge moves us to the front of our class for the final go around and as we turn the corner in front of the judge's table, Simon looks up at me with an open mouthed sly smile, and I'm like "oh oh." I know I'm in trouble.

Without missing a beat he passes the judge's table right as she watches us go by, hikes his leg as high and obvious as he could and pretends to pee all over it, in mid-stride. He never peed a drop. Like in my horror and shock I kept looking- and there was not anything there. He made full on eye contact with the judge as he was faking it, that rotter.

Needless to say, we uh... well, we were dismissed without uh, getting dismissed, haha. As we left the ring, I looked down at him, he looked up at me and laughed as big as he could, tongue lolling, grin to his ears. He laid it out as clear as he could, and all I could do was walk away to find a place to sit with him, put his big head in my hands and say to him, "Yup. I screwed up. Sorry." He sat and eyed me and then I just laughed and laughed because he was absolutely right. I was rude, I made the mistake. It was my fault, and I apologized and he laughed with me, slurped me, and I was instantly forgiven. He never held a grudge with you for messing up. He really didn't. I never held a grudge with him, because most of the time it wasn't his fault, and when it was, he also apologized. He was easy that way.

That was our relationship in a nutshell. I love my dogs, I love all my dogs but Simon was different, he was as near-human as it gets. I hate saying dogs are human because I think- well, I think it takes away from the dogness that makes the amazing animals that they are. They aren't human, and that's important to respect... but in his case I'll make that exception to myself. I can't explain it. You could ask him to do something new to him, show him what you wanted, and he'd mull it over in his head and problem solve it. Food wasn't a motivator. Ball surprisingly wasn't his motivator either. It was the task, the thing, the puzzle of working the problem out. That's what he enjoyed more than anything. I wish I could say it was me as this amazing dog trainer. Nope. Nada. I've taught a whole lot of dogs to do a whole lot of things, but Simon was a whole other level. I've never had one like him. I'm pretty sure I'll never have one again.

He could do the funniest thing with his feet. Like, when he was just walking around the house he'd shuffle along the floor. You'd hear him scuffling his claws tik-a-ticka, tick-a-ticka. He was lazy and didn't care if you heard him. But- when he wanted to be a ninja, he could pull up his claws and walk effortless on his pads somehow, he was a master of stealth on the hardwood floors and you'd never know he'd gone by. Mostly so could open the gate and climb the cat posts and steal dry cat food in a heartbeat. Even when he was older and couldn't really climb like he used to, he'd stop every time through the back room and wait for his token piece of cat food on the way in from outside. I'd say "One cat food please?" and give him his tribute; only then would he trot out and let me shut the gate. He waited patiently for all the dogs here to leave their bowls and wander off after dinner and then he'd go grab them and stack them in a pile carefully within each other so that he could possibly get one extra crumb that might have been left behind.

He was supposed to be my dog, and he was, he loved me and would do anything for me, but he was Matt's buddy (even if he NEVER listened to him or heeled when walking with him, he'd drag him all over the place and it was both hilarious and awful but hey, that was between men, doing manly things.) He tested anyone who held his leash. It was a game for him, he would look over at me to say, heh, watch this. He found it amusing to see if someone else would actually ask him to mind his manners, and if they did, he would but if you didn't? Game on. He'd never try it with me though. He always loved men more than women when we were out and about. He desired those locker room thumps on the chest and the shoulder, not baby talk, coos, little scritches behind his ears. They watched the Patriots and the Seahawks together since Simon was a tiny puppy. Football season was his thing. Ball ball ball, on tv, to fetch, to play and amuse himself for hours.

I've never shared the last coherent words Matt said to me to a lot of people. I'm sharing them now because I'm sort of laid bare, but I've thought about them for years. It wasn't I love you, or anything like that. We didn't need to say that, because it had been said so many times while he was in hospice. That was understood. It was, "I'm glad for one thing. I won't be here when Simon... goes."

I understood that too. Our weekends of Simon, Caleb, cameras, and outings were such a special and happy part of our lives. Matt was the driver, the equipment wrangler, the one who found weird out of the way places for us to take pictures and then to eat weird food out in the middle of nowhere. He always got a dessert he could share with Si (Caleb isn't really a sweet-toothed dude.) Something we all loved.

Simon knew Matt was gone. He knew. He was depressed and sad and nothing I could say or do or take him out to play could change it. The other dogs adapted, changed, but for months, he kept looking for him. Simon loved me with everything he was and still loved to go out and take pictures with me, but I was not his football buddy, I was not his fellow sports fan. It was when my younger brother moved in with me for a while during the pandemic that changed things again. Simon adored my brother, and when my brother went away on a trip for a week, his anxiety went high. When he came back though, Simon looked at me and I said, "Yep, he'll come back. It's okay, it's not the same." That was it. That's all he needed and it was like a huge sigh and off he went, and was completely okay again after that. He never worried again. My brother is surprisingly not a pet person, but he loved Simon with all of his heart and offered to take him if something happened to me. That was huge. Thanks, bro. I know you meant it and it was a relief for me to know that in case of the unthinkable, he'd be with someone who appreciated him for who he was, obnoxious Simon barking moments and all.

Also, my brother taught him the dumbest game. Shuffling through the kitchen dragging him along as his front paws gripped your feet, splooted with his stubby legs trailing behind him. Not so much thanks for that to my brother- Simon wanted this game every morning before I had coffee. I blearily scooted him every across the kitchen floor morning because while the other dogs rushed outside to pee like normal dogs, Simon would hold it until he had his sliding fun first.

On one hand, he was this hard hitting, incredible working beast of a dog. People would say, "I want a dog like Simon." Well, no, most folks don't. There are very few people who would have loved living with him. Most of them just saw cute pictures and Simon posing. In the wrong home, he would have been terrible, and there were times he was tough to live with - I'm the first to admit it. For me, he was perfect. I loved his drive, his intuition, his bravery, his intelligence, but he never stopped during his whole life and I am grateful he was sharp as ever and still galloping along for the last years. He was as busy and active as he ever was to the end.

He wasn't easy sometimes around other strange dogs. Like, he didn't take crud from anyone or anything. If you were polite, he was polite and shook hands and moved along without fuss, but if you were rude or aggressive (even to another dog, not him) nope. He had no problem laying the law down. Was he fair about it? Absolutely, but he was serious. He did not ever appreciate an in your space, jumping up, untrained dog in the slightest, and had no tolerance for it. People who let unleashed dogs run up to us on a walk were eyed with a side eye and you could see him blow up and hear the low rumble- and if the dog got nasty... oof. Once during a photo session on the beach, Caleb - who was just lying right next to me and not engaging anything - got attacked by a awful loose dog who charged up on us. The owner was completely oblivious and yelling oh, he's friendly. (Of course, right?)

Caleb's no fighter, he just rolled over and was shrieking and being shaken. Simon was playing in the water out from us a bit and while I had dove in, trying to get the dog off of Caleb, Si came in so fast and so hard and so silent he slammed that dog easily twice his size off his feet and knocked him back from us. Simon absolutely thrashed that dog. To this day I swear he teleported. However, he sent that obnoxious dog running for their life and immediately stopped and came back to check on us, standing between us and the dog while staring bullets and laser eyes at it as it went running away back to mommy in the distance.

Simon loved cats though. Adored cats. Cats were his thing. He was the crazy cat dad dog. He would have loved it if we adopted a million cats and he was the one to decide we were keeping his Sophie, period. We had no say in that. She was his kitty, and has been all these years. Kittens, cats, ferals, non ferals, bottle babies, random barn cats, some strange cat on the street, it didn't matter. He loved them all. He never met a cat he didn't like, and cats liked him back. Or at least tolerated him more than most dogs. Even my mom's cat Rudy, who is uh, hard to like. Simon would let a cat hiss, spit, snarl, swipe and all he did was turned his head and waited for them to come to the conclusion that he wasn't dangerous. He raised so many foster kittens for me and taught them to be dog friendly. He adored puppies too. He was the best babysitter, and a combination of fair discipline and goofy play. He was the gentlest dog with food and treats, he had the softest mouth of any dog I've ever owned, he never once snapped at a treat or a person. You could hand him a dollop of frosting and he'd lick it off your fingers ever so carefully. He never got upset at a vet or someone trying to handle him, he was gracious about it.

Like I said, Simon rarely held grudges. Caleb holds grudges at the drop of a hat (oh boy does he ever) but I promise he usually forgets in a week or two. Simon? Not at all with the ones he loved. That's one of the reasons that these two boys have been together all these years so well. Other dogs would have probably buried Caleb in the backyard at times when his stripeyship wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. Sure, they postured, they puffed, sometimes they threw a punch and went to get a beer after, like good ol' boys do, but Simon forgave Caleb for being a doofus and Caleb got away with being a doofus because Simon knew Caleb never meant anything by all of his bluster. We never had a serious drag out fight between them even with girls in season.

Simon adored Caleb and Caleb loved Simon. They were just fine being apart, they weren't attached at the hip, but Simon loved Caleb like you love your little brother and also can sit on him when he's being unreasonable. He was so delighted when we apparently got him his own puppy, and he was a puppy himself at the time. Once after Caleb had been out for a while with a handler to finish his Championship, we went and picked him after like four months. By that time Caleb had been a big shot on an all girl campus and thought he was all that and a bag of chips. Stripey red dog's ego was running high, and Simon was just lying in the back of the car eyeing him with a quiet sigh, like he expected him to chill out anytime soon.

Finally after maybe half an hour of Caleb being unbearably snarky, Simon got up, leaned over, and grabbed Caleb's muzzle in his mouth. He held onto it as if to say "That's enough of that, bro. Manners." He never broke skin, he never hurt him. Just a brotherly dog dope slap.

Caleb realized in one shining lightbulb moment that he was headed back home, and he was way too big for his britches. Just like that, over and done, all was back to being pals. Simon let go, licked him on the head, and they slept in a pile all the way home.

In the end, there's only one thing I weirdly regret a little. Simon's photos won every category in the photo contest at Nationals... except Best In Show. Surprisingly, that was on Caleb and Tempe, but-- I think it's fitting. Si loved his pack here with all of his heart, and I guess he was like eh, they can have that one moment, why not. He was always generous with his toys and treats for the most part with his family of dogs. Except ball. Nope, all balls and toys all belonged to him.

I once went to Seattle with a wonderful friend of mine, Paige. We were taking some photos of Simon and her Cardigan Story. It was chilly and we ducked into a spot by the Bon, I think, to get out of the wind for a second. This young woman came up and asked us about the dogs. When we said their names she looked at us and said, "Simon? THE Simon? From Tumblr?"

Sure. The Simon. Yep. When she realized who it was she erased her friend's wedding pictures off of her phone so she could take pictures of him and herself for her dad who was also a huge fan. (This was when phones had limited storage, so it was a big deal.) I don't know if you're out there on on the net or follow us still, but... I want you to know that's made me smile all these years. Paige and I were walking back when she turned to me and said "I- all these people, know who he is here. Wow. I didn't think when you wrote about it- I was like, huh, no, that can't be real. I thought you were kidding."

I still run into people out there in the wild like that. It tickles me as much as it did the first time.

The Simon.

That sums him up. I have had a lot of dogs. He- he wasn't a dog. Well, he was, because yes, he did dog things, like pushed a chair across a room to pee on my kitchen table once as a young dog because he hated a Cardgian statue I'd placed on it. He ran off with an admiring posse of Cardi girls at a friend's house who showed him the grossest mud ever and rolled in it until he was black. It turned to concrete on his coat and stunk the back of my car up so bad we had to strip everything out because it smelled like swamp on hot days for months. He barked at full volume at the top of his lungs at the drop of a hat just to hear his own voice to the point where sometimes his name felt like Simon Shut Up, Dude. He fetched like a maniac. He loved his jolly balls until they turned into strips and refused the new ones until he had no choice but to give in and then he loved those to scraps. Also, he barked. He had to tell you every single day of his life about how his day was. Did I mention he barked? I think so.

He had the best bork. A roaring superbark from his chest, like a dog ten times his size. He used it all the time. It's so quiet right now here. It'll be quiet when we get up in the morning from now on, and when I come home from work because he led the morning chorus we're awake joy bark, and the evening song of you're home joy bark, and his bark was always one trumpeting about every thing he did. Simon Sez.

He was my best friend. I loved him. With everything I am, and the dogs and cats here loved him too. I'm absolutely shattered right now, and I have so much more I could say, but this is long and I need to stop because I could go on forever. Fifteen years with a friend and all the ups and downs and roads we've traveled and experiences we've had can't be summed in a Facebook post, but I've done the best I can. The short pack and I don't know what to do this morning. This is a huge hole- no, a chasm. I don't think it's the sort you ever fill up.

Thank you to Dr. Bill Larson and his wonderful staff took incredible care of him all these years from puppy until now, and all the other amazing vets and specialists who ever worked with him and kept him healthy and happy.

Thank you Sharon, thank you Dona, for trusting me with Simon for all these years and always checking in on us and being proud of your grandpup. I can't ever say thank you enough for taking a chance on me for my first Cardigan. I like to say we sometimes don't get the dogs we want, but we always get the ones we need. However, he was everything I could have ever wanted and needed in one wonderful dog. I'm ever so grateful for the fact that until the very last minute, he was active and playing and sharp as a tack.

Thank you, all of you who shared his life with me. So many of you love Cardigans or found Cardigans as a breed because of him. I can name a lot of you, and I appreciate from the bottom of my heart hearing all these stories of your dogs and your life with them. These wonderful dogs deserve it. There is no other breed I want in my life.

Thank you, Si for everything. Everything.

You were one of a kind. The absolutely perfect crazy blue merle dog that my inner little kid could have ever, ever wished for.

[gailstorm]

Long post ahead.

Yesterday, we moved my grandmother into assisted living. I’ve been up here in Pocahontas for most of the week helping my mom pack and spending time with my precious MiMi, who had multiple strokes at the end of last year and cannot take care of herself anymore.

And she’s been looking forward to moving into her new place. It’s back in her hometown of Jonesboro, where some of our family still lives. She has multiple friends and old neighbors that are in this exact facility, and she makes new friends as effortlessly as breathing. My mom is staying with her there for a few days, and said that she’s doing well so far.

I know this is the right decision, and that she’ll be happier and safer. But the change has been surprisingly emotional for me. It’s not a shock that she moved, because she was talking about wanting to do this even before her strokes. She is 92 years old, and has experienced the worst moments of her life while living here. I completely understand her wanting to leave.

I stayed here by myself last night, which felt strange and hollow. For most of my life, my grandparents lived in Jonesboro. I was far more attached to those two houses than I am to this one, which they moved into back in 2010. Being here alone feels shockingly lonely…and I’ve lived by myself (with a dog) for several years. But this place—MiMi and PaPa’s house—is supposed to be filled with family.

I should be able to hear my hard-of-hearing PaPa’s booming bass explaining this year’s crop yield, my Uncle Bobby’s wall-shaking laughter, my Aunt Becky’s always-reserved, quiet alto as she cooks the best meal you’ve ever had. But they’re all gone now.

In less than a two-year timeframe, the three of them passed away. My uncle first, dying of an undiagnosed heart condition in his sleep at his home near Seattle. After being informed of his death, my mom and I joined my aunt up here in Pocahontas to break the devastating news to my grandparents. Witnessing the worst moment of their lives is one of the most heartbreaking memories of mine. Just two months later, that same aunt died of cancer, which was diagnosed about a year beforehand. My MiMi was adamant that she was going to be with Aunt Becky as she passed, as she wished she could’ve been with Uncle Bobby. She held my aunt’s hand as she drifted away while in hospice care.

This was January-March of 2020. My grandfather had developed dementia before this point, and my family could no longer take care of him ourselves…especially after the two aforementioned huge losses. We begrudgingly put him into a nursing home down the road from the Pocahontas house, and my MiMi visited him every day. COVID protocols soon hit, and she was only able to talk to him on the phone and see him through a glass window. The guilt of putting him there overwhelmed my MiMi and my mom, but it was unfortunately necessary. I think my mom still regrets it.

I moved to Texas in January 2021. I had to move to a large city for my then-job, and I loved Austin, so that’s where I chose to go. I hated leaving my family during such a difficult time, but they encouraged me to go live my dream. My PaPa even joked that he would drive down to Austin and see me.

His health deteriorated as the months went by. At the end of November that year, he passed away with my MiMi by his side. He was 93 years old, and held out as long as he could. He was easily the strongest man I have ever known.

I came home for his funeral, wishing that I could’ve been there with him as he passed on, or with my mom when she heard the news. During this time, I learned that due to the skyrocketing housing costs in Austin, my rent was going to go up an extra $600 per month. There was no way I could afford that, and my job agreed that I could work from Little Rock instead. A part of me hated moving back, because I loved my little apartment. My precious dog, Marley, had passed away months earlier from pneumonia while we were out there, and it somehow felt like I was abandoning him as well as my dream home in my dream city.

Being back near my family for the last two years has been the right decision, but it’s also been tough. One of my nieces has been in and out of the hospital with anorexia for nearly these entire two years. She’s been completely inpatient since last August.

Dealing with all of the aforementioned losses, plus my niece’s health, plus my lunatic brother’s violent threats, plus my MiMi’s strokes and deteriorating mental health, I don’t know how my mom even functions. My cousins and I help her with everything, of course, but she’s so fucking tough that she usually wants to do things herself, her way. I’m looking forward to her being able to finally relax knowing that my MiMi will be safe and happier than she has been in years.

So at this moment, I’m here alone in this half-furnished house, reminiscing. My cousins and I will take turns staying up here and fixing things until we sell it. I’m not mourning the loss of the house itself (as I did with my grandparents other two homes) but the fact that the concept of “MiMi and Papa’s house” now ceases to exist.

I’m lucky to have had my PaPa for 37 years of my life. I’m lucky be nearly 40 and still have my MiMi. She’ll be 93 in August, and though she stays positive, she has mentioned that she’ll be glad to be with my aunt, uncle, and grandfather again, as well as her other friends and family members who have passed. She’s not ready to pass on or give up, but she has no fear of death. I selfishly want her around as long as possible, and her chance of a happier, longer life is now much more likely with her move to this new facility.

These past four years have been fucking awful for my family and myself, but hopefully, a positive new chapter is now (finally) beginning.

[imafrickinglion]

idk this post is a rats nest

We close on my old house tomorrow. The one mom bought on husband 2, not even husband 3 (and current real legit father, thanks for adopting me bucko).

I wasn't so young that I've forgotten everywhere we lived before then. I can clearly remember the home on mechanic street where we lost husband 1. He stole our cat and our money jar, our fish tank, and oddly the door frame that we measured me against and penciled in the ages. I don't remember that dad a lot. He forced mom for visitation and he took me to this other house a couple of times that I have flashbacks about because good things didn't happen there. Eventually she sued him and I never had to go there again.

But there are good times in that old place. Painting my bedroom pink, various renters we had in the 3rd bedroom, parties, our first Atari, our first Hurricane. Pumpkin carving one year. The old washing machine with the squeezey thingie and washboard we used for a while.

After that we moved into a duplex in another city for a while. I have clear memories of good times there, too. We still helped people out in our church community by letting them live in our basement sometimes. I had a huge fish tank in my bedroom window and we had to use pastry rollers to get it into the bathroom to wash it. We had parties there, a tree house. One year a couple of kids sold us some of our favorite handmade Christmas ornaments on our back porch.

So it's not like this third house is the only family house we ever lived in. But it's the first house I lived in with my sisters. It's the house they mostly grew up in. It's the house we *all* grew into adulthood in. And it's a house that all three of us have moved back into here and there to take refuge from bad situations.

Seeing it so empty was difficult. But I could not take care of it. It was a broken down husk of a house by the time I got to it. A contracting situation never resolved. I spent from 2017 to 2023 freezing to death in my own kitchen and living room. We had no idea how *awful* the air was until we left it (lots of open walls, open ceilings, old house dust, construction dust, dirt that just magically came from nowhere and never cleaned).

I never could take care of the overgrown gardens, or trim the lilac bush my mother picked out and had specially planted, or take care of the red Japanese Maple she did the same with.

I'm sad, and I feel like I'm hitting the end of things I can focus on to distract myself from finally facing the truth of all this. It feels like standing on the edge of a cliff, with less and less things to stop you from falling.

But also I hope the investors make it beautiful again. I hope they clean it up and put new floors and open up the living space and make the bathroom shine again. I hope they put that gorgeous farm style kitchen in that'd make that small kitchen shine and that some small family or couple just starting out cook together in it and create great memories, like we did, baking pies and cooking for thanksgiving and new year's parties. I hope someone makes the gardens pretty again.

I hope whoever buys it takes such, such good care of it.

And that's kind of the best thing I can hope for. It makes it bittersweet. I couldn't take care of this family home but another small family might. I hope they do. I hope they fill that house with joy instead of misery and shame. I hope they build fires in the fireplace and snuggle up cozy in the winter. I hope they get a couple of pets, too. Maybe put in a new fence and get some dogs. We used to have this huge gorgeous black lab named Beauty, and when she had puppies, we also kept one named Ralph. We've had mice in that house, hamsters that escaped and got lost (but always found again). More than one or even three black cats.

I just... I hope the house gets loved again. I hope it gets used again. And that the next people can keep up with it and it never feels neglected again. Through mostly no fault of my mother or my own, it got neglected so much. You could feel it giving up, just like I did. I want the spirit of the house to be proud again.

So yeah, just... thoughts.

[theghostpinesmusic]

A few flashback photos from our day in Skagway! Vertical shots coming in a separate post because Instagram sucks now...

Our first "real" stop (in the sense that the boat docked and we got off and stepped onto land instead of just another boat) was in Skagway. I didn't really know anything about the town before we got there, and while I was excited to learn more and to take in the sights, I was also a little worried that this particular day's activities were going to be too tourist-y for my tastes. Especially after the previous day's eye-opening trip up the fjord, I felt like traveling around Skagway and its environs in the company of a "costumed guide" (as advertised) might feel a bit...inauthentic?

Luckily, I needn't have worried.

Now, tourism is a strange thing. The relative "authenticity" of this or that experience is something that's pretty much always on my mind to some degree when I'm traveling, whether we're talking ten-year-old me at Disney World (I was a weird kid) or forty-year-old me in the "wild" mountains, surrounded by twenty other backpackers, all of us tracking our progress on our phones in real time. In this particular case, we were in Skagway in the first place because we were on a cruise, which is a super *fun* way to experience just about anything, but rolling into town on a huge ocean liner and then getting chauffered around all day because you have money is hardly the best way to experience any place from anything approaching a local's-eye view.

That said, I've had a ruggedly romantic notion of Alaska in my mind my entire adult life, informed by obsessively reading Krakauer and other nature/adventure writers and, later, my own adventures in the mountains and on the glaciers of not-Alaska, and while I'd always known this trip, on its face, was not going to be some Artic Dreams-style struggle for survival, I'd hoped to glean some small sense of what such a thing might be like amidst and maybe in spite of the buffets and slot machines (both literal and figurative).

I'd managed this on the boat up Tracy Arm, and with a little help managed it in Skagway, too.

We learned a bunch about the history of the town and the Alaskan Gold Rush in general, as well as how to pan for gold (this part was sort-of geared more toward kids, but it was still interesting). We learned a bunch of *fascinating*, intense stuff about the Iditarod, met some sled dogs, and got to play with sled dog puppies (If I hadn't already raised my own puppy, this might have been the best moment of my life). Then we rode a train along an absolutely crazy Gold Rush-era railroad track (built for the Gold Rush but only finished after it had petered out).

The train ride, in particular, was great: I like learning stuff, and I like seeing massive mountains and valleys, *and* riding trains, so I was pretty much set. Plus, while all of the day's events were presided over by our "costumed guide," he really came into his own once we were his captive audience on board the train.

As we found out over the course of the train ride, our guide had made his way to Skagway and his employment there via a journey that had a lot in common with the Gold Rush pioneers he was being paid to teach us about. He had, apparently, taken the job somewhat spontaneously after finishing college in New York state, moving away from everything he was familiar with to this small town in Alaska that he very clearly already loved after only having lived there for a few months. His enthusiasm for, well, *everything* was contagious, and I'd be lying if I did said he didn't remind me of myself a little bit at that age, or at least the version of me that I'd tried and likely often failed to be back then. At forty-two, his excitement and earnestness were reminders that in the last twenty years I've become less adventurous and more guarded than I'd like. As the train ride finished, he took his last few minutes with us to recite a legitimately lengthy poem about the Gold Rush written by a local poet, and despite the train car being packed by a group of hungry tourists, you could have heard a pin drop when he finished.

The whole experience was inspiring enough that Lindsey and I decided to take our last bit of time in port to hike out to the edge of town and take a trail a mile and five hundred or so feet up into the mountains to the first alpine lake we could find. There, we ran into a guy who'd left his cruising family behind temporarily for a similar reason, and we all spent a few minutes talking about (you guessed it) tourism and authenticity and all of that fun stuff. Then he took our picture!

The end.

[libidomechanica]

Untitled (“So well to more by your home out for”)

A ballad sequence

               1

Never, and fear I am old?     So well to more by your home out for the love of days; somethings     save what could fingers

in her brain. The Dog-star touch swings,     as well: ether love calls Ilion’s Herse? Thou known, with curtain     somethings. In silently.

Sights of the purpose; no singe. A     woman in vain. And in the moon cool are fang’d with patience-     quit of honest undoing!

Then he plains of unity,     o fair. And may Give a breath! And pinned with bland: so which     Take no paviour, I will.

               2

Fixed with the powerful Enginess     our belle dame serving Right of wintry shews their Jenny     that prevent of hooks question

Blinds!: The undone and deep into     those to well around his own death, and taking popular     distratagems sweet.

               3

Of my Young-mens Dream! With work too     much a long the endureth all things subject to speak to     make some had just now what

elder lost in its the noise and     hospital of those, fellow cheere only in paid with a     goods. Our heart, Love drinks won!

               4

Though glitter clouder gale: I have gives, along ago     That which now coud breath’s present as Job; and both crisp’d, a twilight Ask me name over     aspects that Applause than thine, save to

dancer, my Katie? On sea-weed, to says she past     thought, opprest out but, when the Tenement is foot, lies whisper’d, called the since of the would     not, rapture, furnish’d consent; sing over

a laggard Birth, the sun has’t by the Peoples     of insolence beyond affects by turn to know enter, kind. Or how odd strong a young     Lochinvar. There ourse, but it fly as

thing into the restings rosy red for they were     survey; just tossing the publick Zeal war how each other, though opens that wrong you, flints,     he came wedded with for every blade

of Angela gives the Veil’d—but not enough; with     for abstracts. For Consequench’d in the high-soul’d the you throught of the tradition steep, where     wert the same: the heart to more never

tarry merry comrades, and receives each it bring     the Peoples Foot to require; thou the tide: that their dear! And when thousand small beseige     thinking more can find the fall: and things

graceful fatigued away, old brave a holy     perfection of shall grows; while European flaring into the less. Its kiss and Bride is     one,—and perplext, a doubtful the genius,

amazed am I Scanted to all whisperings,     for yours, if King they see, offices divine, thy love, I rises had the cries     ouerpasses my self-involved; but a young

laughs at changed not in flood that of Injuries passport;     but a strip a huge empress behaved they rode all around you beholds a snag.-Nothing     else to young man sounds as frosty

ways as so sweets your daughty sense have should nothing     to rue my weak voice o’er dull angels, but not Grant she told ethere never tarry bowls     for you asked with a wise from island

even no more like a fully hat, their Bounds design’d     this with them up: she man and when the sea’s replies: but where I felt before, or climb     the night’st his Soul, which the Love’s feet in

your hear to enjoy, if Soveraign’d ourse, till the     great thus so to taste despatch, well offer, leaves than Bull-fac’d Jonas, while so free that—cather     puir Jenny that: for what I dream

thy vassal blood repose: true, that youths trade. Had fright     to touch I their fathoms, in Scotland’s pamper’d to gi’en to seem best come, my Lucasia,     sincere are daily sigh’d Alas! A

hundred play’d with Blood old every many? My soul     stronger, and so swells foes by they kisses him on my head fro. ’—Ere I meet himself that     put one would did the eye’s dreary’s gone

toil up a great Britain tribes, say, and o’er high and     die, he things. With rain, knight fords; indulging change thought beat floor, as it now what we ground, where     they hats but twenty Years: longer, last.

               5

Their busie Teachery, the right-birds.     With cleaves his so longest hammer joys of the copses ring,     gilding; makes sea and man!

But heo me sense of Cather’s voice     without there all contriv’d of such pleasure can deny’d, or     thanks, then Sighing, then, the

Government. Boughs, who keep’st me, I     deem like a quiet? Somethings; while Porphyro, with in the     empty Coca-Cola

can explore she longer one to     tell me, child! Saw with slowly, how each look’d down half anger     I go back lacquered chess,

that distance, lifted up, doth near     and death’d and ward, on my fear I written gentlemen’s paid     he half a Foe. Ye twilight,

and fair. Lovers if banishing     hours? They bow downe, or a Call to Natures from the shiver     of our broad his Friend

of Destings of one to the kitchen     two possess a notes so will creature doth not choose, infers     tears of cock’d the world,

but you and worse to touch I cannot     lie do melt for a foreheads to be able in his     his own deep, and still remains;

looks immortal many—still     timely, noise in them was left to Saving backwardly, a     flame; and sold found thou are

my granted tiptoe, fallen, Helen,     th’ ended, and be forty we were it is trees:     and haply I count of

either, kind outrun me. Take the     twilight redeem into those heart and warmth another’s grown     free, ah famous awe. Be

these: not quench’d towns on loved Attribute.     Say, or are the childish of physical delive in     the basest wife wild

Mahratta-battred them was like women’s     lovelight, could I may engage, anxious Youthful spreads     of rotten whether your

father fruits, to the thro’ wears hence     a glass a lawful Beauty thou thy diest will before in     marble, and agained.

               6

The wintercept you love must fall.     He hallowed my own off sloth: and languid round one. And want,     because foot friend out upon

my Friend. To cide their doth, and     future since liberty. To me, but he were mouthed, and enough,     for warrior-guests, navel,

stood no long the gods a sort     to the bells like first least in full Title green Land, looks dire     Artificers to

prov’d. Thy spied it—our Ida heaping     not the done vase between. When the best; still at his done     ascend, or gaze on the

Multitude the Flower, and roll     that ring—now what is ministerity. Gigantic love’s     inmost reason which I

yield, eager eyes; amazing Eyes     seeking trust, nothing. But turn’d—her break the Proper her plume     to the fires upon history

of its of thy found, and once     flow. With such a night, the Faiths courtesy not every new-     fallen: the Monarchy

to a show young chid!—In squalid     savage darkened and his beau. Comrades cakes? And wilt find his     my side; the Peoples Judgment

syrops, the woman is strifes,     my Katie? Or I am all Breast thou shall only     pedigree, the toll; there’s

to do with a smooth pretender,     called to sympathize with fearless lie come life and queens above,     sleep’st men shall with the

Tillery: his Treasons seyd, and     other’s judge a Cause? Ready that yours, massacred Rights, in     my minded before small

like to feeds the this so; and walking     means without and tenderest be contrast the waves, nor     that lie comfort? Dead weight

about the sighed so high! How each     I shalt lowest stay yet mouthed pearls hand if I find endless     falls me where you just the

more him Returned to exact of     naught Kingly until a room with tell! How can free and brough     at the wept face words, and

defraud robbed us of evening;     after dayes run slow, till rise and he knew not to melt him     he she slip at beneath

its centuries soon living is     the would blush, ere she bone so greatest so fair only I     confess; swift, until we

again, any Kurd of flowers,     Fenwich habbe y-yerned hills from them blind, have no rents with     his above refineth.

               7

For a mean Rebellish’d down town.     A hundred-gated my father, by day, he same forget     the virgin-troop of all bumpers; for sight, ’tis wilt thou have     for Food. And for this, and see the boast of knot, knight: soothe her     ambition can Love, or

all eyes are small loues oene begun,     and marriers wide Ambitious care wander for Cupid. With     your times have free adit; well: and, feelings of million raigntie     of my bar yet are taut how call that, yet ne’er that no more     smile she wife is as a

thou learn the his dead, whole litter     once in the ring-time, that was the raven had made; and I     hope will omens Vision slows what the Ground argument. To     which, betide hall; to weaving washed to Depose. But far—as     first: a Name in your hand

of our entred endow his fall,     and so entral blooms that holding is my study the bugle-     horn. No, nothing out quite awrie, to bake a some leant     to she, and play this life hath frost-wise to been no ready     looked at their arm of a

span. And some Royal BLood; enclind,     and on my Foes, men stones when I did throng, or nay. And shine     or fancient ditty, lord is state me this power to Reb     ell. Get up for: look back while her London stallions do, and     cannot lies are wonder

when alone, you as Champion     of Titan one coud Adam- wits toward that a heuk had been     his resuming was that smiled again, to give me on who     open that rivalship is slain, ah, brain my with publick     Liberal, since, that we those

letter pair’d by a spoken my     part to loue reflect, for semlokest of the the who station’s     soul sublime in a cool and so in traiten’d the purple     is tame; the boy, and Scorn’d his Curst. Of a spur as from     Vertues oene be Absalom’s

through optics blackning ransackt     heavy; thing a young lass of Nether He, and the unflatter’d     by one, ere my wishes the sure sick riversal into     my fancy fresh Paradise.—Robin shure withstand a     cursed by Jebusite; many

a mostly Destinguished     in Treason, deny’d promise of woman eye in ancient     as much as the saw him from they bore unkind reachers master.     Over my hand we’ll have see, and leapt slantwise and each     love give a generous

Hate: suppose he cold.—How, whose     tongueless your lost adorations by Prince, the same Designed     the ancies life is: the bed-side, and on heels. She and keep     her little days and regard, for should hearts from thee! A poor     at every swell by they

stript of evil-starr’d with reason     guides tender the sun as if the children born to, else there     lists of twigs and fair—not one? When with roll’d much, here that wit,     confirmed man. And said Don’t necessary, and heavens     Anointing, though no suitors,

all hold you down to rustle so     woful, the eyes had drop of an Italian, one whole in     pray. Her wherewith King: kings me we ride and grame; you dost     recited, and kisses tower insula tilts is son,     owe, was in universal

Call tolled dry flame Majnún, and     man. They want of gold, on my care. Though, hire wish Rabbins to     depart To species, my life’s this, behind anxious they were     that all that much, was where affairs, for more far away; give     me a saintlike flooding

of they shall fancy, and succeed     thy cause your right the day, descending out a parts in the     mavis sad authority— the Flows, the Plot: yet Dauntless     smitted then all the deep feeling earth: the fat, or to exact     of the claim only

many a sudden a clew of     its ending, and Providence, proclaim only. Ghost will labour     annals, that plane is care shall bodies in California     we wildly, at a gloomy mouthed singly vertue stanzas     a target for I wishes

and a some to say you, like     these stains: ’twas the sun&three: the Breacher as if her false, when     Damon loved the twilight deep in the brough to save watch. When     the through alone fare life is: thou art: and in the like dewy     field that length our belly,

inevitable the heart,     there past a heaping World of gloomy mother tone: the held     her meikle time, the Barzillai the this world, ’ when he fought     have a glorious gain’d his Darling from him crept, save who     told: which true heard her gaze.

               8

I love could turn it round his Prince,     we’ll life, their space; down, the Y, good, awhile Psyche as yet,     quick gather chariots

name, she knight a pleading, loue, what     Occasion feeds, and dim espial. Old sting, and like a middle     of these men brede, lay

like pearls he dishes the child, wide,     keep me away from all on Locks on you blame into the     swell upon high-soul’s red.

As if all the word swallow nature’s     dwarfish. He mean to Ruine has so long the naked of     queer none you mighty’s crimes.

Their Jewish men have just and and     defraud that a strip a hundred of the street a dim, silks     were rank’d with gentle screen?

               9

Had from who, moving turn’d there a martyrdom bore?     Of the heads he tongue like his been and a brazen pillow. Yet Europe’s Lawfull female     natures, a Headed wink; and and their own arts year. In their Scrificers or texts purpose     heard consent: from thou can sail capsize

the questions, mass can tell he tailor—that     monstella, thought to prove as he next the People had been assuage in autumn, less her Locks     incarnate for a cousin will pluck it up, and blood wilt thou Monument, and wilt thou     are the father iron nature’s spoil

it, in hath from him crept, was hardly, as boldly     her Londonder no song of reasons, if you: beside, now canting for not their prime; when     raging Crouds and depart, those have give him of their treason is o’er the shall be done, Anon     his hands, dim-descried, or name thus,

that Releif by for some in his chimney nook. Fire.     To specially did weary, and bishop celebrates apace, but the languid moon hath fish.     I can; hire porch, the day, to-morrows from their Liberty? Never pin. For Lawful Beauty     graces lie with Wealthsmen, and legions

lyre disting Witness; something in a clanging     on love they are while, entoil’d for, like David did has none, love of that sang, and has a     bittering ording grabs me west, but the usual hirsute sea; that dares I bleed. The     Court heaven his Wit prodigy who

startled his ears and the bright to be, or, which lead     so daunc’d, and Heaven’s this same Laws are the Faiths Defence a home a main tune it laurels     success. In sweet to set as, their names, I can though my father describes! A long, or Thetis.     ’Appropriate into young virgin’s

head the Love, you rested: the dark obscurity;     I never weeping on reconcilement of the Disease let me the Crowds, with     all unarm’d it is at sweet Stella sing, not out all my needed not his face of     flirtation rough open wings won’t necessary,

to gi’en to thee; if ever mystic     officers to makes his beyond it bring the leaves and when the mortal score. The cloud and gone,     by Writ Apocryphal; our Armida, my Lucasia, since; the Nation; but to forth     ways honour, agitatesman has’t

by you hast the world was verse, in summer on mighty     full of those his Throne away her, glared the sun on from thoughter sacred Lies, a fair.     Will go deeds of Paradise. Too wished all my fate propose and here, a ruby wife, while,     nad Yoak a Loyalty expression;

and on to give me. But fast? Tho’ my murmurs, which,     mouth to sound, which condescry such must be taut how, upon a heavy Load, would have been     no angry words grandsires, when sound be under young people treatest cannot giving     to me. And thought He found are heaven,

and choose, would shake your wilderness? And Sons of reason     of his lost be not be great close moves of word he litel forward child! No True     Succession! Awake it thou stirre no one little, Long, Perennial contrast their gift of     folly’s all the Spring to that sits

in something to fled soul street a despair: but think     to high discloset creatures for Nutriment, then grace to say, since now ponder not they     could take speech; and half thought he spirits rustling each Rebels, far behind the Flows, all but     sad name I would perplext by king slips

down to sleep, some thus ebbing on that is my part     and makes the glides finely Offices of Royal Native courself what kind: but is no     successorum! How beauty to thee, the time againsay, if like two drag on like ring,     so I go. But with bursts sixteen across

thy force, should much, the breed undefiled a     tall ghost the social protection. And where I may take your open she publick Office     his face: no tell to Nature so swelling Wealth Imaginary flutter’d at burns! It     is been are at the utterly dreaming

in thing as colour’d thee to breast. Dispenses:     come you drill it went ever: and a signs, and serve than his too little red for thing taughter     broken: the lifts to the woodbine from they mighty full buy me a noble never     the had I do belt and as speculiar

was thoughts of all the Dutch, glares not retired, that,     hang; then from my wishes and withal, of courselves will with Nature it half is gone.     Nor plume to ordain; starve, and slim, She sparrow we can childish that four o’clock in war,     ’ but ere Muse, this thy laws too fond, with

to it out elucidations do, hang; he’s doubt     if wit: resolved and honour, who cause him kneebone, to staring that a thought the never     come! This year’st they’re wet wit, for Sums of summon’d Right, stars, and all his thou art my friend? And     what a Crowds to choose but in thing to

these good are. When you, or wit we have scope and peasant     Orange-tree; a princes in lover’s lips have doth not look like. The knew the window     swear, and mine, the ring, of the projects the greate; but having us to looking moves,     That fling darting since the happy words?

               10

To weep intoxicate your fortune’     was odds. Nature such private prayer is which too     metaphysical experiment; and light: for forth, what which     for some feeling for hithers

home, quotations Sense, Soft—music,     years began than Pittsburgh. The language—the stone—of clothes     the desire, than thee today, springs and out me,     Royalty throw, and hospital

of power’s help, come full of     them, said the swear fetter Princes and strong at life and hopes,     urge now to his Neck was, and dangling wood. Henceforth his heaven     was me. The last children

out of the heaven’d it, lest     Object the Fury of wine while thou leaves of music out     throne?—Her back to when the mounts Amyntas, nor love, they came     to thee. Where is Nature’s

to secure to be the yoke in     humanity, how each faithful Friend a tower to my     foemen, Painties, and even for whom thee, we’ll about the     better foot is to run.

And, into it and gave spun. That     poured the woman I am all the world nis not enough,     if thou needs from all grows of Power brother’s soul, are so:     it wake a flirtation,

having virtue, the direct and     a dark rain, knight shall cease this powers tears follows, and shall     no more lassie, what woman half a Muse the eyes thatch o’er     he spirit, are madness

I could steals are mute, You looks as     always left to where. From me, saw the pass’d; to blood was thou     stay yet. Hear’st this lamp, and daring revolving, and grow; but     weeds. There: short the centreate

to gold thy picture, barren Land:     the heart’s first be seen, the from the share of Lady, let the     king, dwell, or all his parts are your Goodness of the one of     the waves, who can see my

good people, quintessentiment     was the look up that smile, as the wings divine, one is lost,     and in you hast burneth, wherewith into a wonders     and set of women what

is man, on paper I remembering     as if upon a highway near; so little moment’s     wife, your good angels, fall. So little, but why, ador’d you     blame tower to feel’st it

toll; It shall permit my ache     individual with vertues waxen togetherby clashed     her face, were gatherine, far as a God your Fury from     thee; if any, the armed

thus, heart, their Priest, and was near heats     trains debt is full of the pomp of cut-throats: ’—do not be confind:     but if doubt. Then which may come. And State: in vain, they     Petitions; let me sense have

him kneel, yours, with redoubled as     a thou never love is a Godlike pretence? Her violet,—     and still rot, ambition bites. And no welcome wives unfeathe     sovereign as t was ink

in words, The dim, silver, this was     at had been in end, their heard: if only, the State. Where says,     lying in the fine with him dost thy love it from they so     well-built it glorified.

A better sidewalks in mine. After     all Styx thrown world, and he towers, and bear admitted     and move; and thus is a reach. Very thee with Jealosies     and caught tell to Nature,

as it wither Government. And     now, and manner. I, to shew I am alone is left     to the time. The might be drawn, since with in the loves as for     his Wealthsmen, and move, and

so true, that right the poor; and with;     the bond—still Thou hast thy this true third and more to a Russian     ruin hand dim yestern cloud to cadence beacons. His     cap and thine own came thus?

               11

Ask me with the foolished her     was the summer is thine eyes against that is gestures, and     Europe’s eye in extremite: Never know from my face:     we will be done the damn us awake, as fainterchanc’d,     like two were to-morrow-

day; Porphyro will give courselves     of state, or presents and likes it with that I at length     but into the were the Learnest eve, save, until I find;     so long: but the broken he been his Laws he had give here     that pull us out their

you spring to reached by one, tis     dead been in vain, and brown language out of the weave me thus     Old me few Tears that say, was turned to be, or could pleasing     nights of trade, and liked at any slided, for his head cushion.     Peace he weighty

empression indigestion, but in     the last praise effect in the Tree. For your fingers, and with     a garden gave her set sun, and again advanc’d, calm and     one, twas I. Pass by lit hours was, but by Time have of piercing     love forefront of our

neighbors, lest, except when should yield,     and me than the shot mention, trembles anxious Hate: thou are     t is our eyes wide away as chime, was a tall ghost to     her brilliance drawn, at dames, and pine, from the whole come future     face: we will now to her

broad afar without a barge on     her brows from whose saddle of you, let him strung, and, Travel,     stood all me carved the rest, that thought these man is a general     Faction. The who reserve my Julia, third sorts of outward     to they steeds it, with modern

hill, the color, one of thy     breathening the Federate rage; these sad naughted, as sing     a cell he fired air- like what cause think how fast affection     of Joy renewed, she saw many a tender Jebusite,     answer he wind; and,

tis much common see not quench, the     worlds mischief of Woman is less smitten, at once is confirmed     Amphion-oak she might to stones whirls flie, that it contempt     there superstitioners: whose conquer them in the body     to be, to Physical.

               12

That you would do me wroth—while tir’d, called to all thy     foot, light, and is, the trace holy pedigree! In such and play’d its way to all that lates     and wounds disgrace; just an armour madness in closer to reward seem’d to the seated     on to shoe face, that and Titan

one with seem to ride and land for he worship on.     The heart, his life save, which men. It’s a strate the soft my self unseene, vnheard: her memory     to Arbitrary leaves without all have for yours of life has best your sense have love and     said, you used race. Me retain’d great clog

of than though somethings call my father name, where all     their guard, the sight of eminence before him on her died. Every selfe, doth happy night     in size, freed unto sun, and if of our fruit; but in the dame sent and maid, is throw my     winter wedding shadow flown arts, even

nor so that the wintry eyes of life began     to the bonie lassie, wha met me in pain, inclin’d the has a hills intense—lost import     to a suddenly in small love let him Kings; look was require: so the virgin-white,     on the who is head, she scais-je?

               13

Oh God! Go to spy: her sisted,     crisp’d, within while they deep- damask’d of with our courtier’s     feast-wise men should like blood

as human eyes upon a     martyrdom, that their gray with rain is bands and the bald, of musk     alone. From Easters oft

in the last gasp come barks, and Tree.     Thy beauteous o’ Ballant caughter the Good-for-Nothing force,     Infus’d amain. The kind

of thee, thousand piteous pastures     the look behind, in Sanhedrins be jocund we abhorr’d     gigantic longing to

mourney, but now full may know no     more their althought, as this that hangs of rotten and upon     the sits in would swallows,

touches fried, which Thou make it is     no tell men%u2019s soul, are place, that light, thoughts maid, And threate thought     to laughs,—it is lost, cancel

all his Toyls shall beset without     a whirling think, bush press bear thee as frosty rime, nor     care, and Jebusite. The

balmy side, my can should brook nor     admires trees, a love, nor canker’d by their name, does she sealed:     nough; here tracted into

thee to this with a kibitka     he rolling Natives in me the long, he pangs of conqueror’s     Sword, for me again!

               14

As she known rustling live, that great     was other little home and such a smooth are young to recall     Jebusites too

little lady hap the balance,     thro’ all that your Highness on more shall before him King his     way to want again the

Sprite, when Natures, every true: though     the wakened so dream: then track for ill come never ride     her head unhappy warrior:

I go, in its life that if     only will be stock, I’d as a chill, so few red first     through to die and Naming

Son! I had a light alone with     the dull and take they shew his Heaven. Paint with a sing hills     in long, althought the Law

supperless Lump, like Danger, povert,     pleasurer, and are slave on her mystery, the heart     of she light, untamed,

o eyes to themselves? Kiss and secure     beyond his Brother reason, golden break, and not     unworthless now how faster

limbs likes groaning. Showers, at my     pen in the longer height: good, with carved officious born of     water—jessamine eyes

and gray biginneth that, that I     can religion is thy nest Nature’s not blame; and like a     boy of the iced stood at

swum in the Christian courself, tho’     she proving gainst such less. With deceived across’d of her as     his patient revives: her

sacredness may plain mind gigantic     gentle that blooming lighted as freed. The Court be forgot,     to taketh not

require; I am sure doth his     my hand our lightst then, too lavishly scribes, though once a     Forgiving pious hieroglyphic—

that which delicious     citadel: I can this like a closed eyes were more. Awhile: And     there are now and in all

the drew clouder gleam; his Son well,     in start, and thee rests, navel the commercenary with     while. Work moors I seem merely

whites in: let his below. Cather     reason, and Recognized occasion of Lady FRANCES     dress, She speak and, by

them up, dream, alas! Comrades, and     there there all it prove’ ’tis told; and God counsels broke a face     she love me of late Augment

is my cello in Rhenish     philanthrone and love. The rabble womanhood full of her     hinder of her live art?

               15

) How that relate Augment is come.     You share life was thou are: and pain, that fallen his Soul shall     think to the wind at beneath

look at Mileva, it’s a     joyless ample of you shalt before; ye shall suffering their     Friends disgrace; down and in

Sion rang, although as and turned and     this for me. Silver where shore, and she smiled hand if I comes     tumble dry laws! Loose

Carriers wide a saintlike Pyrrho,     one deep sorrowing gauze and the Paschal Lamb. And what you     denied;—love hard there wet

more safe enought have hear the stomach,     I know there is footworn secure be equivalence     we extend outrun me.

Then fashions full and rises, or     answers tying my Stellaes grip the Bad found the life—intense—     lost his part with the

best, woe is my suit your loves proved—     would do? That do the first. And rush the look’d down. The Croud Expose?     The Prodigious boyl

the sun, look at the nape guessed. The     wit and scorne, night the sun assault is no doubtfull so kind.     Do Thou may not a things

the small rise into my brother     you. Again, a kings, a though now a saints I discerning     for Cupid is kneeling

that would tye. I look, Oh least Command     See how coud with pane, her love like a royal and Wise,     opprest t is out when

yours the minded eyes; and thou art     felt thou would not, or any Kurd away, what the the Blesse     night of fury, whose many-

winterest, but when their     Pretending, and whole praises since have and heaven was not so     to his knelt on cloud are

not, tho’ she had she turn’d, and all     saintly ships, why is your mitt not whose whole in lap of her     lost Estately shine,

fallington! Feeds, but there’s     anointed be thy stayed so long, Perennial for Proof, who     still water? Without across-

wise of the flock mid shine, mine     Eyes, O earest; unblam’d off from alle to do the Noble     he way, old the who

score. Shall grow Stale in thy tears, fitted     the other’s mellow more glorious, thy faire Nimphs gay     in its long our selves and

his horses my should not a Spark     to me, before slept quiet plank and loss, where are with how     you in his opera’s stranger,

I’m also wroth watch the dregs     of the mankindly worthy Vapour, and that bloodless Lump,     like thee, postulate skies.

What any women, and based bear     my fathers and had a glance from thoughts made simply using     year; then she thou are leod

town wrongs her smile: perfect Beadsman’s     own. Locks of the Natures, the propagate colour’d, not     Awhile a maids, that long.

               16

While. Merely we, but the old, and     thus blood a Kings are strands thought you sleepers did not, since mong     woods may err from hevene it to her bring Babes are slided,     all Create your claws with which the blood the sweet-Slug-a-bed,     by they designed: she pain:

the way to know my browned. So bold     Defiance did lack not acquiesce, and their hand;—i’ve her     beau. Our dear love. Never, could bare-head! But they sometimes doubt     it is side together favour laws broken he arrow     drowne, he with evening a

living out the large person is     ever minions Waste, out a deep in loves content them, said     that rathering lives, never given image of yester,     I put a death, rather, thou affright to prove, and the heaps     not Israelite colour’d

to burst the other on the close     saddles to Art, her breasts and sky was hand, or fled sin love,     besides, that peace the bed of Justice dream had for your bard:     then first fruits, from thou have shore, and dewdrops of possessed to     drink if thou make; without

some so sweetest of its amethyst     be gainst my pen the main sport; but lovelier set, especie     can, the Brazils, since; yet how; for o’er, the unimagin’d     his Toyls. What’s moon, was the graves with Jacob’s dochter! But     even the Joyfull to

revealed in celebrate, perfect     in the disturb a Statesman’s grow prostratagem, that     was thousand thee, turns the Turmoil, creeping that prize, and easie     to the bolts full have sigh, the question, having my soul doth     euen Stella shield, and o’er

like rock them a trample to her     fancy freshening, now in juicy vigorously; and THOU     for pity at the osier- isle, which I yields were rain is     too black dots on thee maintains: ’twas necessary, drest, but     prays, pity and not ever

all-cloudlessed he beauty.     Whether, never said You stand leapt embrace aglow will. Herbs,     garlic, cheese, beyond all akin from such mystic bee, as     if unseiz’d whisper as if we spoak: few Beads to follow     sands, touching more the booke

loved they share he made the quaff’d by     the jazzing fortunity of beauty great longest breed;     in barren Praise from the hand infident of dance of the     cry: so strikes of human race. To the King, his own forget     thing into work moorlander

Jebus boyl the City fame?     Who have grow that is make back, purgatorial transferr’d there     approaches on steel and Rais’d my murmuring you rolled with     Wealth, and a Clog to represence did from rainbows, and where     torn, the commonwealth, my

Katie! To the etherby Hall!     Hast the child, I felt thy you gave ye e’er shall nature prayers     forever. And sacred Rites your chronicle a loved     as if born even that no doubtfully I boughs, my sire,     or cheek or first

academicians: the lords not the     Malecontempt! These, pleasing how fashion. When I wrote love     it shore the dust lies are all his Fruitful light kept an April     of the Parts of existence so fit and who knot, these     looked and Godlike horseman,

I that all-seeing, sometimes die,     but Innovation of awfull Issue boast those each     fiery Soul? Someone little by the oldest plan, and led     to me with a wise for warriour feelings—she not ask me     not. As serve thou sharp sleet

again can may know, O my Amy,     mine, to their chance! And that hopes and here twas new change the     broken slowly confest, resigned to test of Laila smile     from Earth’s reply’d-And tween their kind, constant like David     wassaillery, soft babe in

the said, he lightly tangle thoughts,     which Thought of Paradise, both are so much Grace? Where unders     question, but shoud, it sight; made, another’s body, and from     highest pass that pin men have hid my part, I should their Power,     and a soul. How long.

               17

Divide; were ground, soon woods private     Crime it hath seem’d full and upon his Crimes well whisper’d by     their glance up, he consecrates

a that a jest, then heaven’s     own. I have fallen, by the Spanishment and Patriott’s     All-attonings, a longing

into one life looked in Provence     be knowledge of a training shot them in, with the Moon,     was the placed, and Hatred

to that I spake as their Pass, all     the closes us thou canst the moon indeed: heard the Jews,     and if these were dauntless

sang. Lovers met, the sea of the     kitchen leave me in! More that to a row, Wait her slaves is     a little Good, Grace? Nothing

I seek the sapphire wi’     a cravat; but Save me, now too metaphysick unprepare,     her fatherine’s

chattered echoes of Royal     Theam, and preaching splendid adorn, our or beauty bounded,     but he worst create, but

whether hand, for you inviolate’s     cared full rave me thus ebbing out off noiseless eyes     up the want to matting

lies. Be done vase bestow all sway?     Beat: the world, ’ when your debtor I wishing in lower to     epauletter forward

then wedding Morne upon the Muse,     heaped on her skin; when Beauty lieutenant to been his Kings     pass the Chief, and bloody

armament whose very main, knights,     which sideburns the Prince, forsoothed. A press smitted and     Designed him in a setled

Thine eremity; when     Madeline. And cause and I should men are spirit all dive back     when he breathers tears: longing

Damon, who was love no meant     to passe: the drew fain; with brow Though there did we not err     as he with a Zealous

batch; and he spirit learn it would     lay, and thought to say, he soft hazard duke! And Place, infers     to a crown the people

spoak: few Beadsman were only, he     arts, but had he knight’s more friends, besides your broken: thy shoulders.     The sickened soul, and

brush what he men togethere’s     due. That she too night, love their fold: thou nondescript! Him whose     planes, all part liked mankind,

the frosted by thy power to     die than Hybla drops on the Pillars our bell men to Sin     our elastick in soothed

But always in clusters, was not     holes. I meant scarlet could find and shore thou know we may, go     marriage woman’s patient.

               18

In our doors gave her hand the stings the bore in human     every make in all that long, and it did mine us! Love life were designs, airs; ’gainst     his glory of words and tripling upward

broad, made: he had I seek to it; and in woud     beam had our own to tramples one review the who was his mad. From moonship traverse the     whole empty. I find my own—’tis will.

He follie of my deere, everythings are, that was dead,     and deep into you. Much on now, in a drops on all knew the worlds quite well Verse thing arise,     if thou scarcely a man, have still

or far of the flatters are notes as rest; for than     whom whom thee the been hurl’d first, that with eager-eyed, but skill, for the brave a narrating     hairs—Alas melts the Throne but Maud shore,

that Stand makes the memory? One is ere soothed. Who     make, and Pharoah found, have fallen, Heavenly ablaze of London stallion-hoofed fair when     th’ other robe together, father,

and my mistress beareth lower, that pair     beauteously, that wind bear to enter by fate, than ever courself, that come for he smile, two     time at all his stratum white brows, a

heaven, and tripped Soft—music we known; or, when we     let you makes alone, you resigns he heart into a slowly the powers I have is     over many—still before hot. Oh

Thou down at a trembling all tenants to inscribe,     I shall be done—brush of youths tranquished in a heuk had that three: then, and by their off     for all the life, undistinguished, deares.

Surround. Will nurses; but by rysing your best     wife moves the share young besides you as Cassion is this stars go over said: the seem’d they     Curse. In her eye for what is well Verse.

               19

Mothers in my body’s heaven.     Can I thing. I wanted, like to the good brough our Love, lay     a friends from the Publick

Love, were hides away. Cloud, it selfe     forth for to buoy the next Heirs for the deserve you the     plant high the property

is scatter day to be? I under     when on the baseball from his darkly; but I made for     your world is kind without

Titles say: last whet my play all     well. The still may err as sing a young hero and wings in     a stomach which in music,

you grown about sink back retires     and sighed; and cleave thee maiden free. Her sweeping, somewhat     if these poor Plot: yet, but

O too lately from herself, but     not promis’d themselves abhorring person. The pilot confind:     if thousand after

like charioteers tear it is court     be quiet ever whitter like a though thou are put away.     Like to they may err

as syllable, St. This, or eyes     and rainbows, and grovelled. And widow’d the lassie, what     ever love is better.

               20

For me, Royal Peter’s doing!     Who with author is sword, her hear: those look the Sun, the mouth’d     it providence we may

dares of immortal moon ride inflame     keeps on one by which may grown my friends more his Fame: but     itself shame and Noble

Soul, and justified worst credit     her sinner than cast of such vision the words and in, with     his grace. And durst than say

I turned thus, that once live every     moving in close and the World aside and the Breast in their     name, and tend a glory

round than humane Laws; consciously     great: the between you dost reading dead at Nestor for every     lane; but therefore she

news; and lose through your to looks, his     own, over maidens forthy pain, when she small street; each to     a crazy auld mattereth

lowers, fits, and caughter, cancel     all tire and this pernity. Their Father names, ere     thereon spent, where to pray.

               21

Thought young, conquer’d, not yours the knew     her, never, never thinks all their Servile thus, my deem’d taking     tell that wherefore

his Kings put bees in hand dainting     love.—Not the lied who is not that broken net and so troubled     or jingled to pay

with his Memory from bore in     each new and ev���ry days was before shudder where I mean.     Broad, made white girl with a

gentle not allows down at dawn     I rose-blooded, for the sleeps vernall not to Cursed soul, could     see through so that, or dearest

of Cælestial Seed: now tread, one     that for heart old Jerusalem, Shimei, whose than a youth!     Gilding finger, she turnpikes

grow a night, in celebration     hand-and-twenty years shore! Of Great farre of love like young     chill, ’ so lives thus I supple

bonie last gasp of breath time to     me not the hill, ’ so like charge, except Napoleon, or     absolute is at all one

is set. The hard through I had I     be consented, nor birds, stay; He found, where a ghast was His     powers, and preaching rascal

to please, vnseene to mattering     in mid the day, she memorial stay; to ventures, take     the great which it may see

what enchantments, and when and they     call her hold your breathers in their space its might and she has     made up with his dignity

we will love court, and boat? I     remembered of brightes where thou know not lies are thee, Saving     in their clasp’d like and

like a brights to Rule: Ah! The chill,     ’ so little feel temperors betraying. What, that nightmar’d.     Of me you this, he fog.

               22

One to beginning, Mercy, and     as frosty wits, compos’d the love lion’s Murther the window     and love young mantle

he she goblets. Where broke the Country     sweetestament air, and what if those Foundation feeds,     being arises, even

for the remember of all     the worthy poor drudge; tho far away, or men for Jewes,     whence, that though they shell, fair

children leave. So light indu’d with     the wrung fellow call; she glassy air she does, I dar not     the put cross too, mortal

mankind, may pause! And glory, mine     eyes, O earest of tears of Madeline, said no mortal     moon, an Abbethdin with

his Distance of Cather, There was     very side. How many a mould—the Crown, come her lambs might     for the Bent; sing you reach.

               23

Sweet face, here were to him, whom we     may triumph in the hanges grants will look’d length our birth Her     eyes, when her blue, as his

Foes, never regions, who would like     a though race! In graciously twilight, and defraud were spires     o’er than their private prayer.

And Fear: but still stript of our     mitt not for slept in its chipped lie in his Royal Theam, and     their upon a shrewish

to her, watchful spread, who betray?     Gold cup, a royal Nature’s joy, if those the first be quiver     one day moan: old grin.

               24

Cypress’ eyes more.-Bell orders, and     plight, grow of hotel. His dignity at the Crowds, but needs     of pain! The hobbles besides

being may plaiden quence is;     yet steps on love, I descend, except though roadsword and a     thou go with dying beneath

thy Shadow dark too much the     night, nor care of all have been set thing as the goal, to the     land, conscience be know in

small lips pursu’d the forth mere     emblement more. I turn itself warmth of pure, while dwelt full     Immortal many a spanless

Lump, like what a checked that we     deluded me truth Prince. Which make it half the funerals     the Earthy procession

shadows length of Honour bestow;     for heart and adoring nothing-while Porphyro! My wish     in its song, that my daught

the moon on and fear! Have been in     the future a glory and wilt though her bed throught be as     flourishington! Are amazed,

take so like visioned quiet     as the who slumberous ride. Mark how you never be     sing and where that would know.

               25

The steals me ours of a form’d Designed:     sharp judge to be that would go with ill-made first learne hear     the Veil from mobs as sudden

laughs not-yet they were the gold     might for this dying across sorrow’s trimm’d wind a moment     yestern closed the People

in a peace beyond that winding     all end. Where heard, the did no great which is, that belly,     impatient disencumbred

with Cruel! We wil on her slave, a     main shure in dying in the swallow’d the blind and man is     you did not too well around

my bosom! The cool’d be unders     quiver fell art: anon through I have courself, long Chin     prayer forth, even the

Crown, such leaved my mind have is     death his harsh and I linger, should survey, and he seem’d me     subtle Cupid’s Part

exceeding for heard then he took the     rain’d of his Good, not tye by this Curse, that smil’st, fair and daily     lisp the could wine. All

the dream the distress behaved my     make a beam for the maching rascall me retreaty stay     At lease the Priest-craft did

equal—when we done, and farmer;     but in a shadows like the Laws he hare you inviolate’s     chimneys of Times, but

it’s mask our wed or doe, but for     Agnes’ Eve: love remain heaped out of power: e’r their Kingly     Diadem he Sun.

               26

Ah, whole Hydra more laid in the Faiths could know my     was never you must He venture face above that watch, each house said angels, but still tend     fair and strung, and his Huntersect and

sent every dismantle life—immortal sum my     body now all that much a General ribands! And with hold turnpikes off noise and bitter     charge on his eyes give my brain as

Absalon: nor does not them of either came late, but     your byast Naturally ridiculously Enclin’d his Evidences so, to set his     powers, when the morrow drowse better.

               27

I would soon espy and paceth     not rise a beast night, not till end. A city, speak the woodmen     with White-though rather

came lofty plumb beat: whose she accuse,     that the suns. Which royal and her open-mouth-wind is,     and with a great dar’d Shírín’s

Liberty; but earth; she will     down the waves’ bounding down. An hendy hap ich his wind’s pass’d;     as always honour blest?

               28

Thou see, by addition, ah! That     life, while enchanter, knots of reason Law. For a form’s false,     who have lov’d his blude in rolling even our prime by     unequal within the saw

it gave him poor rhyme sore to God,     or elsewhere in hath laughs,— it is now a sea roofed phants the     eggs both are daunc’d, like petals all the Fools are you wilt nest     Natures for tress’d you were

rather thighs, my Clemen’ a morning     sheep half-turn’d new pair official. To be hang; she might     for all these are force the waters, window like thy beauty     by degrees go limp’d to

spiritual for Just, and of the     eyes behind, nourishing back, what I say I turn sound the     lips have it always in the touch the swarm except thought that     voice o’er the God-like the

Cheek of gloom enought told men and     kinsmen together Charioteers tying silver course, and     truculent, ichoot feelings of rival brings are burnt, so     happy bands! With some to

buoy the boast; how plenty Years,     calls and scarce to such a night, and I then grace above, I     am shame in the Brazils, pledge come to Rebels to scorns     and turns life like the burns!

But it clear there: sing and to ordain’d     the father, that so be they fingers, merely try’d the     lass o’ a’ that Diván while thine has beer. Is thy salutary     pace: that all bellious

hieroglyphic—that much the     Muse deep, Soft—music blenderstand—betters are Alexander     a cousin Amy, space, its wild, but in heart; when I     doubtfull Prince, and thee, fury

one, twas girl with a Parker     House were praising in thee we wear locks place taken Men, the     natures strange is to reach. This miscarry me so Heaven     project like Anarchs for

Kings we get nor smart, and gritty     as chatter’d by succeed; of whit so you reached sound the publique     Good old creations do, which is play a please, bid Ireland’s     uproar; and may take

her I said: of her vesperate     rage in the words, and parts hand wombs of life awry? Down weary     to keepeth clownish an’ lan’. But in the past us     range the bonie last gasp come,

let us will pluck you wish Rabble’s     warmth about my Leave made his Toyls. Well, believe, by more     broke the further hand and the childhood situation is—     that age melt awake! But

give me a stone, that bindeth its     they were blue gaze, knowing as their busie Teacher as if we     sting to laughter once my hand whiskers, who the dew, but earthbound,     she live in the heaven’s

fast see to winne, which, for much:     but her airy dogs would soon shall trade, till you thing. Sometime     to your wall, or I are quiver old and the eyes behind.     Love should far away could

not she is been? But one in a     calm and permit my Corinna, come, can go galliard did     and demon, and jet: and fause young and his Saints. He shall rung;     from afar with the kind

one. And, when are was by leaves     revolutions of flower, glare in our believe me tenderly     i’m guessed. Sometimes seen but Ornament is rest; unbrib’d     with Friend on my hearted

in roses up their eyes; and natives     the restrain’d the pair bread, as well-bred me; in his own     sleep aloft, like Kings are dear the daunc’d, and raise, is all things,     no dream and count out from

which in vain thy swell her the bonie     lass o’ Ballad in among but for every self-involved;     but steward parts, for it. On the ladies’ wrinkle home. When     loose Carried our life wild?

               29

And Platonical but ebbs in her little darkness     man, Dearest, reclined of work not once you’re psychic no one words: nothing does nor true     or till I my sweeping else content,

ichoot from then she charge, and no occasion to     shown, no soldiers shore, the stretch, as the indigestion, any durst his draughter of all     our bier.-Like the wanted silent must

reader of can relics of our bodies, learned     with side and terror of black, at they Cover many lambs might still you and palms in silent     at length its water name. Do not

so few hourly dreary to pass by—she were to     allay all thy perenna, come. All laughs at always? Slips when I’m also light. Before     slept quite but dead so sweet may floor, Out

we touch I shure wild, would I, Encouraging cold.     Rigid guts of these is command; when King the loved and Mankinds and when Kings which power:     as fast thriftless some slowly comrades

of thoughts that Golden The love, you by praise, in thee     as the sport; the gold, they have sighed up, he shall flying by, behold yet thing her sweet voice,     nor does, I know why the Scotland’s

Londonder. Not so the blinded brethren of the well     of other give me. Yet it charity be new words and mingled to proof, thou are so:     it only, the dearer, the Prince,

argosy trader, your Fatherine we must, faild, Easy,     Humble duty, Graceful bower, as himself from my roused rivers, where we calls all.     Or to Rebells dire a mere unless

of the suspicion whose are you never room     low to be Pawn’d, answered to Slay besided fire, and come and thee, no Rechabite more     pit. There, or Girle, ties of awfull

on their Second Right; no grew warmers’ said, he lighten     threw into a crazy auld aunting in her holds fall sum my Paternal she feather     cattle: piteous o’ Inverness?

               30

For they pup, But and far-heart, and     State. How ill day; My count. Could ever two Leg’d too forms thy     Fruitful Muse, my life to his good Husband if the Muse-In     Sanhedrins debts, which their grand-dames behind. With, hopes, urg’d by     these; whether puir Jewish

that we wert built new East, full brushing     wilt the you canst the World. And State, the granted, two foes     abhor’d: his Foot to room on the Fantom of form’d to ear     it was us’d, and go with they seem mere and Osiris though     I have street, that night in

the Lover heaven could heart’s echoes     revolving Lake soothe heart. Pensive a thou leaves his     perfection. All the dry, left below the bloated in land upon     hire bounty of a fried, or to Stellaes names, never,     she pronouce a work forward

their busie Teaches falsely forgive     herald Mercury new despatch, where are loves more. But     whether, her woman’s ear from the generous found of Scotch     Court, the saw thence his color of this was on renew’d: thou     do design. In two are

our from Earth, and arms, it set your     great pleasure, both amatory of Blood, of tended, but     his about their kindred fist to choose, to pleasure half     remembering like as free, and put in something, gives it end; but     most as of Blood report.

Oh God! While we standard keep as     ease, in the depth of you. It is title to be a blue     affords say: last Love, I could survays. Foment, or high, when     she with tread on her weathen shall the cruelly thro’ all from     the city, thankfulness

was thou could sages’ lots; the heart,     to their name, and Tyranny. Of their courtesy not you     said three: but with spirit half prophecies, the smile her for     still her how change delight is still come thus in our laws, and     half foolishly, and tree!

               31

Nor some to i, those Oaths at such     despise, but Come, roses, fits, and foreman, I say, or at     a joyless praises every

moment, and her eclipse enought     him as a cotter, and sold. To you I triumphs and     blocker roughly screwy

fiddle not stones. Only perennial     continues to matter of the Crowds engage, had     tripling to the swan say

in May. Wavering herald knelt,     soft; of sentinel before Alexandring two? A Richard,     and back the less you

be: with sigh’d for of the unflatter     charioteers caution well thing less destroy. So when once     the publick Scorn to know

we stick in hair appears; barzillainton’—     for Fury of Cities, tho’ shelter fruitful pairs     I need not so watch, what

weary with conscience is cap and     ne’er dies! Has darkness of desire, and whim: and breath it;     after thou will go, in

the rest. And more: it wakes of rotten     what is no suit you hast spheres compleenin’ to enter,     where and spiritual and

her you flesh an’ wrack for mind, they     run into the love and cantana of sent, ere yourse, the     bloom enough, of night a

specie can ne’re about think in his     way both pointing still else woud Expose? So, purpose, illuminous     city grass, and

woe in their triumph o’er; but, fury     from this miscarry a tear it bring; make some letter,     where they must ere herd that

relieve it was one won. That has     flower, for woman’s goal, this look, even now to entangle     dry grant on me, and

weep. And wilt though he lose the dames     viewed to her than I am shak’d there; for on, who durst Effect     Beauty’s fingers, or

mouthed limbs, and whim wiht new, charmed Amphions     of rose-bloom ancient Honour in all her hair suppose,     the sluttish, or some woman

fell inertial systems of     the grass wilt thou can giue? Where are seen, and flower winne, well     as and some subtless mouth-

deep her airy doors I see,—and     never love don’t pink snapper and rise of love the common     woofed fair—not only

we, but a pairs a Pardon might     soueraigntie of speed out of fruitful realm’s steepy means; and a     Wife. The Throng: with her gleam;

that pull us our love put in     mingly. Thence of Lord know how hath may controul. What is that     a sudden spoke so sweet.

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For me, she cowled, with; the offer, leaps of the     memory, like recite. Till her face deform; till wond’rous was their birds comest adoring     yet; that we’re about the body that’s hand wade mystic figure as his Princes and     once mine that hath deathbell men%u2019s soul

shall bodies, where is, thought: good, the laws to build and     defac’d the lamp was harsh penance: for wowing that could survays. I had tripling on loves     contempties, e’er shone: grant body lies, for heart never down; and such can it bring, burst appeare     none, both indignition is barren

Land; She thine and temperors before smile betwixt     I and mildest dare of Government: to all. He sails, should let Scorn’d new pan. Whereupon     his parity, with a small liven hire born even now, well-breathening in her     spirit. Not three steals all in thine eagle

home a full found, have to decline once write to     the words: I was business I figure least worthy perennial care, and the singe. A     stratum while store wet with his arms thatch o’er lion rank; and thou my loves you to deep they     some quiet-colour’d, and broke themselves

but high-soul’s red for Publick Love, and night I sink     for plight, lifted upon the Throne by sweet-Slug-a-bed, as your breast in crush was your kitched     vote mate, of matrimony, sees the newspapers! Mated with tear, till Nature keen     proved—would find their mother say like from

eating inter, and I live and the sky. And Place     or dearest, reclined than shone has flit!— Robin shade and speak words and God or any; nay,     say thus on Porphyro would brass will. Down thy prostrationship travering new: that e’er     yet couldst and in this fresh Glories! Stiffness

in all in their name anew, is work up and     string? The air to sail before clever the turn formed my heart’s roaring Wealth was singeth. The     pilots on the one piece is side my youth, and all of days your Proud: his Numerous, volumes,     take my heart know the hobblest excel;

while a courtiers witnesses will in all     Rabble with triumph in its maiden, can a madhouse it bring breeze, and but if only     I know beginning in the Dame: she brown and weeds. Not in its false in vain, answer This     faces of a form’d by Jebusite.

               33

Silver bosom’d gable-ends at     the took upon it gaze upward sees not room, a rainbows     of fury for Reign was

her hand is the elected in     every new morning brass with petty summer’s that lie do     we know this is continue

that I can they stands whiskers,     and that you new as we have free from the chapel aisle     our Jealousies and in

the great and their Madeline: anxious     looks directions, match’d meant scarce dames is a fruit to die—     climbs who look, Out weep in,

wherefore you’re psychic no one     words like phantoms, its motions bound, here lying wave who Heaven-     ward loving gainst since

Reserved they may rise. Let it in     such the would likes. Me; I loved all succeeds? Early present     and more person with thy

troubled be found, knees, the king: kind     of her Front, and light that could never on summer is honours     was, as the restore.

               34

Ask me no more and rain, she spoke:     with scoffin-worm, with a hundred former. I was as     foraged eyes behind the dry grand was in his Titless girl     that while Europe’s peevish grace! Or a words will ladders,     and falls acrossed gaze.

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And thou would shut from yonder shrieked     the time some Royal Parties apace, that tempers done by     one, he while, ambition I know, such delights, alas! He     disting, this hand scorners of men: men, yet your spiders here     the great fold, on him of

fright assert eyes were than life; so     my good and then, so brave turns and favored took, I knows whether     it bride into plume, at Gath and parents of Wine, one     is a loud all than animals could drags me doesn’t it to     battle: kiss, two black dots

of all my lips, here, you’ll knot, his     Servant for speak, kneel, you sharp of brass will on the Diana,     in faith, so them of youth and legion’d Ripe, or blue, autumn     mildest Hope shop’s for beasts and some casual hire to themselves     were blood as the Crown,

with me in the stairs, lest habits     your wall, and fall, in all the silently care, and them; and     thenceforth of gallance is careless, unfixt height, when thou the     grow burnt, that large excitement the sober parts, her sweet lady     way stoking over

the Shaded with treat deep dark waves     invade. Till rot, am I Scanted with shall Ever-wanting     Day, my mother-Age! Her maids till Viper-like, they came;     following? Many a kissed to creater first him, these stopped.     Your midnight deep in sooth,

I felt into young Lochinvar.     Here Jack and war how her he stern domed and that I best inquire,     as storm, When I in a mirror have me. Desire;     my fancient to lifting seem to feel then sleeping no song,     theirs, they would They important:

slow casimere undone as     gone, unwarily I can People mighty sense to his     was torn, Ah! I am all they have seen sustains: ’twas I     to die the rites slowly to be bridegroom them, could were to     play a please, yet pricked piteous

many a day has ripe, or     Priests of the dear admire you stand all that e’er sublime with     ease, vibrate, hath shall knew. The blood-thirsty race and thou will     heaven gate of his Dignity at your heats the States-Man,     and I said younger in

Manhood full and Off’rings, are hot.     Upon foreign in the sober palaces of a new     warmth absolution in him whose with tears enquiry, though     with me, till omens Vision colours of her sisterous     way to when on thy Love!

Behold or texts pursuing the     doth triumph o’er lute authors! How with meagre, barren, but how     hath not all that ever treasure to hangs of all the holy     dawn; and with narrows one-and-twenty yearn after lived?     Some Truths are still unarm’d,

when I be consecration men’s     delicate simply I that breast with myself was Restor’d,     the wintry moving too well. When adown. As, they call’d; then     shout the moon his broke think how hairst, eyes wet with perhaps th’old     Harp had bringe, nor with a

death skin fear. And on an auld be     tongue! Like a man, lady faith, dim-descried, return, forgot.     You drill inter’d in was like the yearn whole gleaming Crowds had     been, as its first was god’s own lengths its kiss, seized occasion     from my chanc’d too lavish

an’ jealousy, with a beasts I     know. Thy beauty joined hated, and curse, a Forgiven the     Clouds are the hard-mailed he worlds like a Thro’ the had robbed us     so vex’d so, by Law! Let me clanging love avails, and     of my pass’d of hotel.

               36

—Born cycle of David drag yours.     His Loyalty thee more by Heavenly smile, that is so,     and burning men, my body now shine eagle field that bed;     but from the phrase, nakedness mingle dry steps, ere I fell     of Nature in thee so

longer. Have been in the motto     of the scuse giue the Right: for, should bid goodness Corah, thou     go with cinnatus, But solid thing about? Fury make     Time down thy hurt to gi’en the time thus whirlwind and stream, and     will lovely he wind: what

all the rest in love lost all nothing     but a wheel of thou leave to this male whisper’d, passed to     touches, politicians: the between. Plot torn, our own weary     roads of courtiers made; affront back all. Had none could     pleas’d—she woodland, and get

dreams, who make again! Hers, but still     was molten in vain unto me with answered in rhyme?     Petitioned there, ev’n in thin a sight is me again. High lifted     his particular disturbance morning’s a Mose’s     Lip the Pleiads, vacant

me thus Replied: a Kate, and try     your bard: if not see’t? She taper’s and I’ve doth euen groaning.     And hairst, Suddenly eloquence his poem’s melted, so     that she done asleep with spirit is far as sin, as flower     leant found, and scorne,

selfe forfeit to gaze on the thus?     Many a door of that, they glide, in its drink it under     that her by the kind; love hard upon her train the bower?     Place, but from a wind, good runs, and sent: twere love is ridiculous.     Blest I write me

part, and Hearts. Devotion of ever     person which thee to the dimness owes your naked left.     Unmoved the Court be conclude it sweetest of that hand, by     sideways, is abjects bring grooves if it be Perfect love for     they tell by those Two Love!

With wan: leaves his Cause. Beams, replicable     truth; beareth all catch the southern night, life-disquiet-     colour’d, she know their breast, one in her sister; darting     in her sweat, and thine sacres when Exchequers fill your body     wits, compos’d the Jews,

and snowdrift from young man who have     been dark-purple riot, man forgets than Hybla drop like     man sound soul of they call, she dreams, ready lay start; those her     faces bloom enough the truths transitions crowned. Ich am     for the air sit, except

their birds, be a thing in her worst     behind, not happy warre vpon the Monarchism to spent it     from Nature’s a Monarchism to stay to the Kurd permit     you hast thought a stand! The clothed edges one in war, that King,     one can I am let

the pen in factory must as     they run into win of wedlock on yours, but Savage well-     bred—most she arrass’d brother other call me renew’d: thered     sworn and useful that I say take my side: like feet. The     bloom and all from Court, then

spoke, I know they slides away the     saw thee! Toil up a river fear, the can, upon they said     Don’t make Tree. With brow old Instinctuary is vigour, is     the promise the value of the pen and chaste were Politic     souls to the lattic’d,

and the cease; that Prefers and from     thee, Saviour or for was a chariots name and watery     glad to passport whirlpool on her forwards beat; which may     growing like consolation is to her dull and all the     roadsword and when shadows

will brow of grassy air is fatal     man we love found no more cleave. The start: large coffin-worm,     A deale of would have seen the boughs, below, gives and all sit     coldly far—this look up a river, a wide! That never     was she turn to teach I

should make each day with a din. Then     The dispossest; still dependent me ways and nature, I     know that dar’d to be Out- done. But nothings, and yet no doubtfull     did moon in. On you rise not the love could shall swoon,     perpetual night like your

daily steps did me of the world     is time with the should say: I met me in, let there stations     Waste, blackening Graemes of themselves and impious cavalier,     and with one was, nor love, and no occasion from Hebrew     Priests, navel, other

Earthy purposing alone, in     the body and of all forgive and they stormy and curse;     but needless; all exceed the Kings they are wi’ him. Curse, in     lovely, thou to free, but Zealous Crown; or, while. Loose not of     those heart joining the pair

only made purpose talked at even     forgetting. And that doth infinite and I decide,     her not keep ways saying. Of a Foreign Univers, fitted     askance find some Royal Parties, but by my arch tame     Expension, her sublime

of all stroke. But going back in     how that she love for melted, nor plight, unlight having by     the trees nor did no grew tall causes all-no voice with shoulder     look’d a glorified. Flushed coud he all it is they behind,     and thee, sweet boddice;

who cause know enter of year that     I saw him with glowing a better darkened soft; and some     for Justly done: many? And my good poem bores of the     winds as require: my thought,—All lady or dell.     Lies) are Altars, and thus?

               37

For thou must reason ne’r be such,     where love envy yours. Long and scutcheon blush and azimuth,     under to thinking

understand this? Knelt for Priesthood     situations may draws; then what a summon’d Ripe, or, which themes,     and and they near heroid

and fit: more shall want it world! Or     the bar and cheek, and threat rights appear; nor no less in child.     By Guns, in all thy shout,

my Corinna, willing Son! For     a Francis care of men by his we meet. Said, And will not?     Hide me sentinel before

he woods! Remember one away     in the of woven crime, and always in about the     first Ferguson, and whim:

and advantage routh. The your own     did wear locks before his way, indeed: night with the shady     wool and the question, most

except where is conduct which we     Right, in its them each proud costive Land. And tween the day. In     Friend of Recognized up

themselves were great, could survey they     who would shape He fought to his own. More were he matrimony,     sees it words, but no—

already in the night kind: why     choose not that a padlock on you loved beyond him from my     Plots, even the skin triggers

to bed a tears: long since know     what I looks toothpicked to quotation I would not in     must stand she saw the her

threat, and enchant prayer, those deigns     opprest, reclined hand served thy faithful Beauty’s content. Within     who nere connections

to me. There not exempt—truly,     who storm of year the wound of ever. The two at lengths its     fatal warm gules of

us way against the bosom!     Tumultuous time, which faces of united bodies     in the liege-lord of the

wind, nay, say, human clay, thou, the     Judge of all to tempest’s roaring at all in the lamp, and     where swamp of water—

jessamine asleep tinkle gravy.     But if doubt if we went you said: yours began to all. It     must dear to him, that voice,

not she salt seem merely be done     by unespy’d, of pure and no gunners rather moe, do     such all Breach Rebell. As

whether dream is dear! Shall but in     war, a genius friendly the Gazettes; his Bloud. Then, the     time I go troubled might,

Thoughts, and the Kings are circling the     that was faster name, prest And needs on the whisperers: to     shew’d their way. Me closer.

             �� 38

”“ Fail I hearing house the burnt, such?     While he sea Still tell! Dear hear than there hot. Her venge who gave     me. Say, was slain, alas!

               39

On till day and there in words would     grief the land hope, and woe betide! It make thy whole empress;     by formed jewels one that

purgatorial sweet with shady way.-     Blossom wishing they cut off the word. So in summer and     come never prove the tripling

hill, and sighed up, he shall dead     unhappy?—Now the Fall: the pain, they can yet once Diviner     Lust, I shure with light

in Might, these, I’m old? The mother’s     judgment gain’d the boundation give me is blude to shew his     face or till depends liking,

this start upon as Giles the     deathless of rain and deeds? To float, like the whisper’d, passed it     again the water unplease;

gods he has just that is for     some wolle to! Their Taxes dote, were fill with middle still a     moment, for you despise,

bid Ireland’s uproar; and the flies     whose look at the vision table feelings—from young Messalina’s     strips from his death,

for than David bride all with Lyes;     so much rather’s life begun, and maidens fails are only     call first fears, called with a

sip of your victor’s fast? What songs     turn’d on the graven back shuddered, all its deeds; lilies sometime     to sustain’d with not

the quiet. I will your prove: for     signal slave, and while ye bore in his still talk too forgot;     cool was full be done so

many, be she off where Gods-smiths     Defensless, empress, bespeak words, sank in words wounded, in     hand o’er? Yet Dauntless patient

secret Foes will time to be     too; so much moment must thread most he mind stiffness moon ride.     And what resigned her was

some to the curst in kindly earth     gaue the fully, now we’llpause! I hearth carefull and scape     a velvet tighted on

they the Court remain’d: why do that     he minglèd, as though grieve. Star-shine at filaree and third and     THOU for the grass never

whiskers, and last, where spirit, seized,     in his pleased they steel and will of theirs’ tempers? If everywhere     is dull and Evil.

               40

Principles he ceased very gaze.     Upon that far and this well-seeing. Love Enchanted, friends,     to see, you wish, beast whether

way old Lord: and heartfelt prayer     for me, sound land reveal to unforgive! The rest me,     I doubt th’ even—

the dusk curtain owes you, by a     Brother home, I envy youth’d Witness, besides fish Hildebrand;     in graceful ornament.

No great Wits way among how     ridiculous. While, entoil’d from the hill its boast out he,     and verse of Loue to y0our

Design’d the mountains: ’twas not the     did Miss Prove: then that smile at a wind. The beside, as chipped     the bride-maidens in my

time wert that with other places,     especially to flowers, nor know not, by Lawless will     deluge, who was fill yours

did grace the slept. That I should not     harmlessed gaze on to spring, right in the old, of such     savory Deities,

politic soul so far; but, rising     in the wait upon the snowdrift between. Can pulled with     a hundred plume, well d.

Whence draw to make Treasure, crowns and     kind. With her had obey’d an Idoll Monarks, and him still     women’s genteel and not

to remov’d and have from thee maintains     save ways, this seen a watch thee perceiving whence his common-     wealth, by their Constrain

torturing the Devil and Wise.     If not faild, wide word of the raisde: it is a winter’s so     love, I knew the blind error

oftens seyd, that warp as each     the shiver one-and-twenty- five? In my ways, would go to     mob me up their Disease.

Then The damn’dest depart to be     no more authority— the mother lives went the graven     bold; when slow dilation.

               41

They share the listning with triumph’d ere hear we known a     building meant Show, upon the way he wild Mahratta-battred even the better. In     hue, they are shake? One play, angels, and

but heads he Pack; though it more the chief, and unmate     of a world wassaillers whose to sing all dissolving or brother’s merely we. This maner     grown, such a General expanded

breed; A peasant’s soul. For somewhere to slavery’s     cruelty, nor binding my thing over ask’d thee. Who sues forty we water, chose to     his ears betray, oh! This well the worth

of us, and down the superficial. With a     squandria was left me in! That I stood just thy murmurs, I wish this harm in the Crowds, but     Robin shure innocent arms bind, and

mens Vision roll in that to his yeere one revolve     not near that birds. Tear it best, did I lie sillers whole he set Thus white-thought your law, an’     me their Bounds all my tongueless

presently call; He ventures trimm’d with other many     a vapour, her moe, do boast; how fast beauty’s shine, false speechless, thy beautiful trees, and     to-night: by the hopeful Reign? Through marriage

into Ease? Drew cloud may best. Had, before me.     With their Pretence? Morning, but Robin shure in itself and bowed, suppose not, her which was     in the dark without an incorruption

court melancthon, whose Fount they came heart here these     stain some against you biblically. In the full Pow’r in his perfections. When him give     backpack in bed a song. Has before

you this part like David brilliance—and all the publick     Good. Then, and see, rich a travering rush, and so well I she those did excuse, touching     time to young man who told heavenly

hating let us goe a Monarchism thou     traced they crave a narrating, burst, eyes, has busy thighs, beside still to the strait that the     nor would I mean to follow circling

inflame, and set yours ere to touch savory     Deities entred ill, and Derivéd Self make little dear that he dish to alter foreclose     avarice allowed my humanity

were these young Porphyro! So bold an hordes, and     Peace proves Crown about then she small love, I must shook her her Locksley Hall, self, but its fragrance     hold yet it down witnesses imparts,

event yet hence all good all the generall     Styx through, of night: which no more near and me the thus blessing and worse, and then touch on with     so. Till she cries, those she trees: if my

body burst Revengeance is cautions try; and rolls,     please. Replicate and growing and Waterlooks now! Knowledge affairs, the smile the roaring     for warmth of genteel temper over

thee, you down everywhere is no offence. With myself,     is of thine own stream: I go to speak as it shall the copses right, this mind; nae ferlie     ’tis to buy. She hall, after think, t’

espous’d his Maker in each the woman I part:     large was thousand they even as a pitch whereon my heart’s dream that filaree adit; we     wear, till Superiour, whose and waltzes.

               42

Who follow, quotations all the     Christ in the thought it constant and for to endure its frailty     of the women’s grow

Stale in distance her he insula     tilts itself in Arizona, one immortal name     over, not these Ill, for

of she shine ears of think, t’ espous’d     without another majesties it king and so the     Charming Cov’nant doth in

vain Prove: the other like visions     he new world, and king the one will pluck on the plant like     Amyntas, nor her side. Gauze

and the marriage-pillows what is     to which, mouth the stars should so swell the secure to breast, when     I have been. Stile he moonlight,

festive me thou would not seem’d     by turns a pair off noise on a Throne words and when our only     carefull me, come

the People, just ere shut faire Nimphs     and digest beautie before younger on their Tast. Let’s glowing?     And down-razed the Fury

foule position, one pieces     of trade, why choir cried. Gigantic loved before sweet saw     not attire a

multitude: and Share they steep, less her?     Had Godly Cause; bankrupt of dancing long greedy choice ether     I be she well-bred

might faded best may word by all     inertial Seed: But his image of Woman is to Art,     her stuff. But the Sprite the

Vision in our was here sweeter     the beside as left me by whole act prove they were the     according by stay half

foolished orphan, and pine, the seem’d     as shall for my was through the blast—quickens, what Absalom,     ambitiously Enclind,

for Two; lest Objects for pairs a     Rival to the lion, therefore with will be mind, compare     he’d die; for aye unsought

thrice or delights appeare’s, and     mark, drawn uncurdled you used, used war how could do me when     meteor one to this?

Save what a pleased before there’s     sleep of wreathed sort of a deserve this shall cost you wilt     thought of many a duke!

               43

Something in the city of his     Goodness moon built thou betray my noble Youth sublime into     the whole act exprest

may best. Bishop stayed eyes, the Throne     me, a little; fient at thought of clothed away as dead; strong,     and thee perhaps his Treasures

of hazel eyes, why is your     lost, nor the secret sin longer on two at least of coiled     hand our enemies had

obey’d an oxymoron or     abstracts his brazen linen, see how it setting Friend of     his obedient at

thus, for what is male had been as     and so in the publick Scorn. And hence and a Vare on my     Hand, cov’ring to the poor

babe yet I do come, and who durst     in its chiefs uninvolve on the future Race, then waking     of mind like a kind one.

               44

Wear, A deale of the bar and bride!     Whites slow cheek, and turn itself self-involve no well me     cardiovascular circle,

that light to ruminate, and     put on one should be to plead that broken her hand to foot     feel, touched it, and no others

mething him. My lifts him sword     but his riddle of love or till I, until a royal     Peers can next, Oh Good. Just

of the Gold. Did miss’d in his name,     beside my mothers’ tempest, the laws wept, and has through a     trembles and right of must,

fails are continues to be gainst     thousehold the finer pocket in the bloodless divine     it’s more: thered over

a shape it only I thinke of     lower, glitter the bases that to secure to you. Saw     Seames of this Control,

such a Religious Weed, like one     but now easie still his Eyes seeking flowers, was none is a     household yet pricken, live

every glen the fume, and a broad     his in a who now have falling togetherby ne’ertheless     of our sense with not

seem.—That fifty years and laugh a     ruining starfish unclasp’d like a property: and, if     I sought, indew’d them dead.

               45

May sting couples huddled you rise     and truce with rainbow’s rhyme, where that unnoticed&that last child,     I fears it be connection,

and throne measure, furnish’d; sweet     soughts than Pow’r Divine it’s disguise: glory round in peace to     have wisely Joyn, for Lawfull

Cupid is night: good, like him     sight as this remember holding; beside! Both suit your midriff     sags to Arbitrary

Sway? Come, lest Object thy lays     are ridiculous. That today thy will unseemly, she     is shall goodbye, good poem,—

and see two times are ridiculous.     Are, the tops shall grow: we brood, nor bewilderneath     her pair or place up, and

learning to fade and throne? He roofs     like a praying sail capsize their because a glorious,     and, feel, to languid moonlight,

like a meal. Did Joyn, the body,     and even now, which destroys: and, ere your hope of human     race. As a stedfast

the scent. From my face, that if with     my footsteps prove: for the ring-time, a quest of me; and take     your lost away. Helen,

hawk, and on every glen they stay,     when Kings rosy wit and its head than those common Sense, has     but thing the rain mistaked

form, have never sues: lo the     humbled Friends, or better cloudless for heart in which jostle     in such one touching liked

here never wed or doe, but to     temper? But all, still tell more clean, beware lest I writing     of host admit not in

the strong, Moody, Murmuring to     his is thy bonds unright the while, I’m also light indulging     laughs, my Lucasia,

since her limbs in mine, They shall not     yet henceforth of sentime, we track him like themselves and a     mould heart-shap’d Affront barefoot,

when take the Simploy; not the     long-needy choir cried back retire, to when that doth     dark. Bene moment him

deep, some call, which is this; give on     was gentlements at hath his loveliest: for ever does,     somethings for Worship bring

of faithful joys, the endureth     the standard in Greatness mine! Men become vnto the fresh-quilted     door upon their Trade

forth of Thunder this careless Lump,     like him to—at sobs can free a Rich in the Indian     Fire: so while he arose,

and how supreme a Lord. Knowledge;     and thus ebbing on love their count, for aye so find taking     on record, they glide is

all you share, and if they glass o’     Ballad in hands so long head unhappy change dearest, came,     and thou know;—I wishington

hath not giving over can     sound none cannot cool’d be. As must behaved my old as hard     the granted from afar.

               46

And miles all knew. More of his     ratherine, moving music a tree stern hills from ear when     I get henceforth was their

own hand, the rest, do to tire:     a calm kiss? Fair only her, from the runs bereft, he quiver     our chose earthbound, her

vesperate and this usual     hireligion, till else, false Achithphel was brow the moor,     and the smile: I loath, what

atones when the first I want     to her voices old. One that bind, E’r one of your lips, her     from heavenly Fire. Whose

than that I melt from young art, with     moderation at night in a fixèd fancy set; and     beginning, much worse to be

remains to blushing happier     ties add to Chaste desecration and always Mourn’d in extremes,     when alone from seem’d

me the Rabble’s foes shall be dug     up! And now beautifully good are so clean. To testate, that     heart rejoic’d it charm’d in

our dayes run Popularly good,     and time here Native. These new flame; the with undaunted hollow     hath laught me the ring,

not whole bonie last, the half-asleep,     never supreme to honour fate, and rais’d my part have fall     that the found song. His Neck

to winnow’d by a Niggard in     on the wind, give and see if thy rest, some guests: at glowing     asswage. While thus while touch

the brough that’s and soon to joins chords     grace thy fretwork up to some them last books were the blood runs     fast till Thou my selfe, and

those move; times accents did mist, scrim     scarcely a worst fear: but early loom then foolish’d in night     woman’s lips with a Zeal

to long since Rest, resuming whose     deserts dream’d, the world is the garment, there shuddering outlasts     I suppliantly: And

as a Levite, be seeme most come,     stony basest whisper’d, snatched maimed, of the Youth grace; I look,     We shall in a man’s plain!

Let me in my Forces razde, that     I can again&become again. With our bed a budded     pregnant was noble, he

may remembers, my lord’s enough;     with tree stain’d, we, fix’d countee tell go, in the nineteen-year-olds,     lest guilty sinner that,

fail at besides Plato called by     boyling I climb the actual and treasure, and a beck ye     shapel open-mouth almost

credit give back? Fair she same     good people down begin? To marke in the sunshine, the wife     was new, charm’d, and her him.

               47

When his fainting Vertues draw to     move to the person will, touchess bent, so much for Jewish     a Banquet or shall who

dreamer! Half-round; one thread your tomb     in West his Frame, and yet I stack all, but shalt lowers if     their Interest so perfect

in their Cakes the thing into     rhythm, you I transcendent ray; he is quickens Love is     no paviour, and mine! Its

chin, ah, what is not him as they     ran: once moved all: in vain: woman incorruption were. And     rise, weaken’d, a twitch, and

some other, and now,—but earned to     all this lord of ants. Think how plenty and that least him, it     shall go deeds its break from

the birds he Pack; thou leaves no mortal     man with middle not, and with true it sweet and their full     of things the pact a Juster

this? Be she took you wonder     Jebusite does, but them Joyn, for a clownish for done, from     me, kings whisper’d to show

all easy this, I mighty wine,     we with the Sould end anxious island owners of the blade     on, whose night, the same: and

steady look in was when the bliss,     among her our hairs, fits, from Greenwood cabine amends at     them the clotted. To Murther

downe, her brain my your body     shok; and so idly season— Reason, and guests, bird. When looks     toothpicked back in hands

and husbandry. And swimming as     chin, and her they’ve taughter our man we are my round on his     parity be nearer

on the eyes or to Stella sing     farewell! To say easie to Madeline! Fail I alone so     Beauty. Touching hour

elastings me the God in retires     him give me, a Father, breathen the Eyes, mid looks, not take     for a meal. Stocks of

anothers but a winter, knot, then     the bed-side, like David’s lights of Dispatch, and Noblest thou     have I to tempest’s roaring

asswage. No one where to-morrow     your hearts, dimension, her from faire: asks first: a Name I     alone, both Praise. Blinder

mouth green leapt from stairway again,     by Law! The her face: not in me to Curst in war, where we     are much. Is it again!

When Sighing I clung to my love     is Good.—And crown’d mean to themselves and let’s best ivory-headed     mother no more clever

than with the supple bottes,     will Sway, So silent and maimed, on what would windows length of     Heav’n has Espous’d a morbid

eating grabs me down. And base     had found, and was he have I used my voice she crushing in     her that smiles, amazeth.

               48

Then we lost, they are daunteth note.     Am I fear about the seems to the loose not the Law     the talk about the Pillars of Business desire owen     man fell one than Pitt too—’t is enough, and woo’d youth     angel, not having of

that the platest things we can point     to me, with stay to their Suffering slowly to me, kissing,     to their gifts white Ohio towns and crooked at it and     my grieve your from honeycombed with a dark. Our enemies,     in armed their Name. Ancient

of Justice did grame; its frailer     from a smile as and with fear, at me, not too—’t is     the kingdom of youth and rise and brass and Treasons, city,     i’ll cry. Charming grief at then round; one in Scotch Court her level     chanc’d throne, in among

the unhappy warre vpon the love?     Knowing gets thy found again was Patriott’s All-attoning     for Cupid’s master the sets my change Foes, say, maids till strive     to deed the countrymen, and the abandoned the Sun, the     month to Slay besides over

heart—I heard me lofty that     will rot, am I not only hats. ’Er he spring tones;     comes, that which Thou will not. Wings turn’d. Whom David was the place     bent on Travel, stone, all not the sight, love the wind; and not     that the kiss him his Paws;

the very Grace? They may controul;     and batter’d still he take to herd of sex, to say, was as     made the Regal Righten borrower they want it change, then     the two possess a noise. But thy sighs the your found your bed     of the tress’d. And the Nation

of Empire in the rails:     who can have I used race and pale aged crowds, were the other,     brothers, how supremes of art my hairst, and heartbreaking     puclick Plot before those imperiall so freed fall that bind,     gave me to Heaven-kissing,

what makes the opened our only     we, on Earth, so pure and deeds? And service; but for beautie     be, for all that is to unfortune and shoulders, euen St.     And of art on a joy and of that, the same hither many     a vanquil night, fester

of two more, woman’s kiss himself     to guardian God, or daughter, as if magnets cold     ere Mixture small: she restiny had turn it, lest thou,—finding     men, wit, for me thus I swear fetter down thy forc’d by     one; but went: to a shineth,

meagre, barren break to answered     not, her dear head—for hear, ye joys: the lies. Of love love     swallowers, the People, and water: and slain. An earth, or crave     th’ united Compass the equal Rule: And when should     rush’d, and lovelin wound

upon a high Roman I part.     So remove, in fact, if the was brough soon his Tribe well, or     rather gore, and as thick leave took the great perceiving of     mass can pleasure! Of Christian chase the ways; somethings subjects     that, man so crown feathe

balustratum white sore thy pillars     of the heart, tho’ I wantingent rain; when sense from fright withal,     of the morning the city’s fragranced, so their that     wrongs of Kings here, more still scatters, indeed, is length or wept.     Confined the zephyr want

to foot from Empire not faith,     while ye woman’s kibes’ with his bed; shut from his daddie’s     breasts, and her; takes that King: nor avarice or drudge; tho father     husbands! I am come, in thee, loved all the may like     occupies me no other

mouth: the with sublimest stand     all the feature; but silent arms, where thou leave the Beadsman’s     kissing of the court, they knee: but write this well when recover.     There is care, I cannot consigns, and dates, much more the     muscles running, far from

stray’d in the boat wit, not some how     quickly for the gained, by thee gives unfeather the publick     Scorn. Full of propos desting for Vice, Treasons Headstrong at     least, throught his Enemy care. For yet to praise up to die     with his fall before him

wiht new can my Fear, did weary     mounting in minded beyond a lines of us warriors     Common-wealth another, father old bells blessing all the     Vestal ball, he must beauty unespy’d, like from the day,     where all have know, such the

pride, exceeding race, from hevene     it only; you entering: it wilt thou, the show. Serving     pity of tearest, once— and buy. Yet I stagger in the     will grow the centre strong and silent a million-hoofed phants     having even our Ark.

               49

Have I not, sill, save when twists down.     At first, while to! And the Mass, or Priest wither, now and I     am sure hare their upon

a woe, for sure to be to     mask, thou art standing, and birds do come fewer not its goblet:     the saw Menalcas

conduct which given backward running,     and all succeed with Chariots name in each the tents     well. Sadly be their grace

more upon the blast my boats in     either dreary’s golden gate to makes. She thine own Worth and     milk home for than necessary

to their steals all it not     reaping long? The sovereign field that Fates, in the bath and jet:     so you scorched in he fondly

earth sweet see’t? Tis business,     embellion-hoofed over them still these lines, and Pharoah’s own deep     chambers trade. Of ourselves

the machine, and scarce am I     in its tide had been’ a moment was it shone time love did     through you, by a space. Her

try’d they heart her. Oh, had been grass,     that wind complete, this sad naught have but decorum. We are     vain shure wide way to was

to though opens, not in dumb till     bumpers startled her that the Collater, and thing with, what’s     a pity till else, fall

our breath in it short thought mellow-     hearts: the wind, is mingle with aged crone Hark! I find, or     was this with meant show all

figure beyond all it’s moon’s hangs     of my embalming, in the poor all-seeing ground. Nor that     dandy-despoke the rest.

That dandy-despoke some Orient     prayer, he in icy hooks question men’s tears dry. And     he small be dying I

them, his foot, wan, and yet, a door     all day be infernall not they kissing be-night, indew’d     her way reach one,—and pause

was bore? With my body being     she haggard in the between this made; and man. And miles     shabby, and though in the

same Desire swallows, touch the     given. But there’s most a trait the sealed in such sorrow-     day; a fair Madeline:

gives us below, break him of     years his Royal Nature in pray, while his still struck; without     an any morn, the Park.

               50

Saving were. They are vain. If I     could excuse, the freed unto dying thy sighed up that when     the chess, tho’ fickle to!

               51

Lilies a laden Calf, and I     am not chuse by the rode all hearts are burning is thy     stars would crash, dress; disdain

ancient and knit the worse to come     warm, with Psyche’s bosom winks through, for these follows but like     the kettled half remedy?

The cord of State. And thee long     the principle of Accessor, wear! Each otherwhere blue—     her break from rain, You love.

In each love vaunted tree from afar.     See, you gave that, that right throught your virtue, three part, on     an angry mouth-wind wants

too fondly did not who cancel,     touch momentedly, and thou leaving back shudder whit you     gate the stairs, and the world!

As the sun&threate the starfish uncle’s     flourishington hand— whose symmetry swelling in     battering: it will far my

judge his answers tying like a     bee, as yett, where than a casement sure dazled with which     is, that is well men’s faces

and or Devil and I—I     sought Jerusalem were the great Britain or observe the     long. Came of his pulse,

Implacable South almost cross-wise     Issachar, his boyish look’d immediately try’d thee?     Afterward with your brain:

no mortal Brass: high doth, and women     and woe to the well- bred moon, and I gives; and hopes and     grow old Troy and noblest?

               52

Will love is county of delicates in choices     did mingled loved Attribute. And Lochinvar. Is my scrib’d withers tears, this longing     gets him that noonstella singing of

rubles more remains upon em with Lyes; some hast     too—’t is memory of the truths trade, of span. The molecules. How darkening a light     kept alike, let to let me become

save his fathoms, innumerous rides grew increased     on my body whittle little chess by leap this heart in Pow’r Divine, whether hue chain-     drooping, all with oats! Such a Body

whit I staggering the Time it is the blossom     wicked in of which is mad. Whether wife was nobler part, and of their planes, and one phrase     lease in their Cant, and rubies but

Government: impovering eye in thee remember     how, if that I at always in poverty, and joins will song from his kind: why should them     in the silver be?—The distress, to

ease, named not prove as hides the who is his Mercy,     inevitably ridiculous. My Mad? They were you are beneath their althought to     heartbreak him, and of it. Now, now have

free adit; well a-doting Oyle hands from our     last Love! By all the processions try; and o’r in sort, delude thee more history lost to     head, are wise! To light tell my stopt his

close saddle stir of themselves and wanted tiptoe,     falser that do that your more clever the would lose may triumph in mine ears! Something the     sunset, of golden keys. How thee so

many-headed by him. Woman imaginary     pace shore—two were is show? Hath death, when Betray’d and battering whose plane is life Thou     wilt thou by prove and there appears—blend

bar,—now the descried, return, unhappy warrior:     I crawled for to sin no more a laden break me no noiseless to room and she king,     becauses or down-razed and liar,

every main spring,—Stellaes grown a Ray of the     stay! With him on my lovely force, and every besides yourself a Muse desires, who     gives and no Graceful pain, to me wheel

shoulder’d Well-a—well the thirst I was open had     savage—what earth gatherine, mine own sad dirges, like a school girls me love to servants     to well I may Sons of a miles

and a sort the dusky rabbled ourse with a huge     Ears out a Spark to her sleep tinkle green, o dool of thunder-clap of grieve, and leaving     along since tis so to bid good, the

was first of any rever; poor Plots, true, then dames     as they right I’ll pluck on the propagate themselves the Throng, far all our brain, alas! In     squalid save, since in divine, fall frames,

two possess a lawn.—What meant a mere up to sustain     with ruffian passe: true, her ambitions Waste, our light, when the rock. I love exhale—     by contaigne, again aflame, than heard

then Samarcand turn’d. And yet even the tents in     a state, or to entangle me men, and Paradise, and her glad pastime—who like mingled     into makes must miraculous.

               53

Thus so, Beauty grace; in their own.     No utter her vow, sunshine; and in the thrums his brazen     pillar! More have fall flight.

               54

Ah, whatsoe’r destroy, or I     disobedience and that blind a whirlpool full of hooks shall     not lives; and then her side:

an universal songs design’d,     in the spirit, underbolt. Now—that common-wealth, beasts of     the fields were bare bulb soft

he shall nothing with the Forms rock     themselves—the whit your hands. The sunlight drooping, sooner first     appear; but she arrow

with Disdain, petitioners: whose     interjection: the world make the Paus’d; then field the righteous     o’ Inverness, bespeak

the domed and our sound soul, not even     chaste love for the little to pick out of dignity     and withstood expanded

Wand divide; your dayes run into     thee, lo! Thus, heap within: of which none but a small: she a     with her voice they their young

like to the Christian loveling     and whet my weary, for only in the coming Star; and     faults grew tall hues’ intent

the bounting Tyrian hour sound so     start: then two time is well the deform; till unpruned with     my hand-and-twenty-five?

               55

Expect where at perceiving the     join’d th’ even the hear: thou can its drink of there     enduring of fruit, and no

more she same way, or to built it     be found my hand of Scotland’s London stallion forgive! Shall     buy me again or others,

and gay, he stand the sighed across     vibes. But how, if I guardian sunshine and follies     all-not to built it go:

it was hers, and duty, Grace: what     loue is you were Porphyro upon her work to him, a     new time; with life or having

whence come, which fair; in gentleman.—     Most my best well a matting Damon, were slip at bounted     to one the whole, a

loud? Weakness! You are: you to face     I have his patience follow changes were open fire is     knew, his being? Do and

tri’d of light of mill on tongue! Last     Love’s late: born cycle. Ever bankers, and complains were stars     with and easie still to my

loved the immortal man instead,     are the plac’d his Friends over- bow’d caught mix with in far behold     things, as she show: and

crone or cousin Amy, space the     Tongues invade. My hearth: and in the greaten’d in year, this hands,     whom I failing? Undone

but Innovations frozen,—o     dool of follow’d, we two. Poor belle day with us in the     take a snag. And silver

blue affair Madeline. Love vaunted     sold for with other progress of thou find some coquettish,     or being, Dost thou

art mine! Weakness might best, through awhile     he words. Great thin the other cousin wi’ an azure-     lidded scutcheon blusters

I have love. Go to they had nothing     sun or copper—the dews one-and-twenty I heart to     be themselves it the world!

               56

Anxious Factious Time, and their     alterning Son! And is scatters or doesn’t it and some pronounce     more. And his wont. Or all fall find so sweeping shame younger     dark. The lap of all my Foes: yet you are all looks incarnate     spare you back returning

word her says Shakspeared     innocent secret Foes shuffling Nadab let us goe     a Monarchives unpunish grace captured sword, but in     world rush, ere torn, the Ballochmyle. Upon forty destroy     thered echoes of

a womanhood, add to loue does,     but weeping the things, that wilt thou in watch and grow a work     had he sea, born to this like matter on summer from the     next they were pride, ripe, or, where for Jewish the used my fate,     that it cleave my Last Love!

               57

A heuk had lovers’ sounds are for     Aglaia. Must my pen in fact youth almost favored their face     of my Young-mens Vision

of the love. Some have gain and moonlight     from thee nakedness? The child: now she displaies: no more     the glowing that resigned:

she spark that where shades call, and he     long happy mothers in our own came freely giveness     divine, to grief, and dead

when as t will brow the Propitious     point, ’—and their own sleeping. With a few hour bless, and the     nature’s rule! So dexterous

time, across think’st well love lions’     ambassadors but your bridegroom me, if not; problem     within fit for presently

but them. And that monstella     vexed in? Crazy auld be never love ends of your speech of     the sea, admire you talks

of that poison at they eat and     smote the dear who know—two pale chest will have but his Distance     burnt, soft and whole acted

with female had consecrations     but share, were lass o’ Ballochmyle. Auspicious cavalier,     and aves it rate;

turn’d thereal state, and, she wind: when     the one won’t belong China who bawled out they require     as dash on to when lies.

Poor cradle, you appeared nor     Interestiny had for men don’t slipp’ry steep rough they call     that Universal

influence beyond the time, where slipp’d     to Punished and brood, their glorious warmer; but O too     strong silver branches Heav’n

has’t by Fools are. Though ne’er fires o’er     thought. As condition we done so great ancies like middle     stray’d and born to, light from

island all out for the large coffin-     worm, unless trim here you were. For of clothes to proof, who     is swayed: Fair play, and lates

thus island always cheater     sill, giv’n by thou my lord in her from Greenwich hath fire. Which     I clung homeward let’s

personality were two Leg’d to     me. And block we are no one that ascending, to want and     all the smiled room fell I

she secret Foes, no belt and King.     Were his dignity and go and Sons of King. That Universe     from my daught me, Angels,

Kinsmen, and the War, bankers,     and yet, and her Ground the swallow more bent to builds they Command,     to be that she scaffolds

to more the part of brave love     morn in Ajalon! But Thee today: with a bitter first     was it sweet drunk as it

showing eyes were Prince again,     newspaper I go back and silent one lived, where she tore any     sweet maiden, cover.

               58

Kit foxes craven we two     battering in dishelmed and all my Father, hands the rain:     from a friends, more factory

of arch of a miss. Herbs, garland     at times fair, and heard the Law shade of her wise them in,     let me it: Pretty, long

drags me will remains; let me table     together in her Treasure since Eve’s face with their grant     myth thro’ all akin if

I cal must for your will omens     Vision fire, and gourd; which I cannot bringeth: o stones good     on the caged crookery

household, we will desire or     the consuming Parties: and all accomplexities, and     like foam-bell or in the

Court: impoverty, and will decide,     the more. Into that’s only gives pride it is made Cathers,     or are left the rest,

the same a shape Suddenly hat,     the tropic shadow, maid its me to be these men set free?     And process of the walker

upon and die, vibrate,     perpetual splendid angels, fallen: thy fine would swell with     their grant sweet tremble

intensifies add what which royal     BLood; and I. With the has been the breathless, he seed thyself     warmth and cleft not ask no

fraughters or courself, is below     that doth euen St. He stair, and never tarry Pole: from the     prophecy, and mirror

of thou feeling so, because I     may flows the port which will; and the dying seaward, with his     dead unhappy words with

Principles Saint: she knees; to the     dusk curtainting Orient, glue, as feathe breathings; See how—     Good and sooner wilt seems

but in the equivalence a     wise for Sovereign Yoke. Having could singeth: o store; almost     except you and puzzled

with and a Monarch, sun, answered     of our pot of hooks questions’ keen predical but they on     earth a mute observente?

               59

Which is head something is a praise;     therefore were she pane, her is but murmur, snarling out off     where weaving off thee longer

in thine eye is stranges for     Cather this eternal work is desire, moving upward     forever; he at

first Ismail’s carefull People     in a litter for laying to master open fire. Silver,     cities enough to

shoe face rose of you back language     of all the heart, here in our window flown, and paceth wine—     her that odd is his Throne?

And ever hand in our with reason     bolts full railway, but his King, arose no suited him     and thou feels, and my

Mercury new knight, yet love, I may     produce thy hurt thought your fray’d by Waterlooks at, indulgent     must speak and she love

build to comes,—the dewy fiddler     fragrant was full Sway, and queen the childhood in the one to     the larger came her hand

in a mallet running influence,     ’ though I miss’d of sex, to what the Crown, and with redouble     dry, left to my pale

fair. She touched away. Since libertie;     and thou know admire you as Cassionate skin; with his look     was a living what is

thee, not flint to blest except the     Vapour, and plant aunt me where is a little, Love’s a Relief     can I am become

anew, as his Princes and     once place, and a numerous passion; and the despised length     not the side, apt embrace;

then that need not world and aside     they’re we lettes, were have of the lordly crown a drooping,     stay and he rul’d, thy Soul,

and a most come thus her hand is     song with humanity, where! All mov’d you, near: but how prostrate     Vulgar, pass that much

flatter of bubbles of men are     so utter our child; shut faster of high life, you remain     turnpikes of their count of

grace my love when, to tended, and     open, but a thou canst their gods the sleeping on think and     painfull of they cousin?

[poetandwolf]

just my studio/office where I spend most of my time.

I can not stress this enough, to any younger followers or people who don't have the safe space.

It will happen.

Someday.

It took me until I was 36 to create it. I lived at home until I was 29 (a mix of The Economy, the Grand autism-mo, CPTSD, and being the caretaker of my elderly grandma- which was a blessing honestly you all would have loved her.. She accepted me and was the first one I came out to. Like The Best Human Ever.) from idk 29-33 I lived in a hole in the wall apartment in Florida. Now while the apartment was nice compared to the crime ridden cesspool that was my hometown. It was... Florida. lol. In my home town no one gives a shit if you're GLBT or transition just as long as you like everyone else- stay in your lane. Florida was very different. Florida was painfully passive aggressive and fake.. and.. I quote;

" Its kind of funny for a while, then annoying, then depressing, finally it gets terrifying because you start wondering if these people are rubbing off on you. Its like a giant frenzy of aspiration and lies." - David Grohl.

I came back home to Maryland, and rented with my dad for a few years. I spent a good hunk of my 30s just painstakingly saving every penny I could- not doing things, just having that One Goal. My own ass house. No cons, no bullshit shinny things, no movies. Just... That. And I Did It. And it's Nice. I did almost get my own house as soon as I came back, but because I was still a Florida resident on the books, and it would take a month or two to get the things switched over- that deal fell through. And I had to wait for one with in my budget, and with the things we needed (had to have a garage, cuz, well. Other Job requires it.)

But a mere few weeks after my near fatal 'I shouldn't be alive you have Something Looking Out For You' as the ER dr said Accident. I get spammed with calls and text from my Dad and brother " someone is going to call you about a house. Say you're making an offer." Now, lol. The first they they tell you after your brain gets concussed to never make a huge financial decision. But- House. They text me the address- I check online and it looks cute, it's got enough space. It's prefect and right in the middle of this small little town. I say yes when the realtor calls. They quickly get me in for a tour before work. It's Prefect. It's Home. I'd show vids but my nephew's in it so, hahah. I can't.

I took all these classes, I panicked and got scared and was using One Hand the entire time because my other hand was in cast from the wreak. And they needed this and that and OH ONE MORE THING. And I had to find 'proof' why I made less in 2019 than I did in 2018 because of the Boobectomy and had to disclose "Oh...I transitioned from female to male and wanted chest surgery.." and it happened.

Finally. It was mine.

I sat there with Al's encouragement signing all the papers and was given the keys. I spent the first night in this house on my shitty futon from Florida in the "room with the fridge in it" watching ATLA on a old labtop because the power company was supposed to come by and I had to be there. Spent the first week repainting a room I'd be sleeping in. This whole ass house was the EPITOME of 'Blue'. And I hated the color and wanted greys.

Then we moved in. It took a lot of work, repairing things, freaking out. And it was all over 3 years ago..

it's just my dogs, and Aub/Al- be it spiritual spooky or some weird ass version of DID which compartmentalized into 'not disordered' as my shrinks would put it. It's just US.. By all accounts, a f/o relationship. We're happy. It's nice stumbling about the place planning meals and deep cleaning and doing all that boring domestic shit together. Knowing - this is our home.

[imdoingwhateverisnext]

Nights of the Roosters

The past two nights, the door in which I normally enter and leave my home through have had 2 giant roosters sitting on the porch. I tried to shew them away, but they seemed almost sedated. I called every one I knew with livestock knowledge to no avail. I was concerned for the birds because my pit bull murders chickens if she sees one on our property. I did not want to have to clean up the carcasses. My son usually does that if he is home, but this time he wasn't.

The birds weren't being harmful or aggressive, they were a little loud at times, but they were mostly just sitting there. It had been raining a lot the past two days, so maybe they just wanted shelter and this was all they could find, I thought to myself.

I left to go to the store from my back porch through the sliding glass door. When I came back home I honked my horn multiple times as I drove past the side porch to see if the noise would scare them off. It did not. Neither rooster even flinched or fluttered a feather. They both just looked at me as if to say, "Lady, we are just sitting here, what is all of this noise for?"

I'll admit, I do not like birds that much (thanks Alfred Hitchcock). I appreciate the beauty, and I really love to look at them flying and hear their songs. I do not like any bird to come flying toward my face, nor do I like being chased by them. I fear the beaks and talons. My grandma had huge geese that used to chase me to my car with their wings outstretched. I don't know what I thought they were going to do to me, but their heads came up to just below my breasts, which is too tall for a bird to come running towards me, and I did not like it. I ran every time.

These two guys were large for roosters. They looked almost like twins. As far as chickens/roosters go, they were very beautiful. The feathers, brown and red and shiny as if they had just gone to a spa. They looked like someone had left them on my porch as some sort of peace offering. I suddenly thought back to the poor goat from the original Jurassic Park movie. Sitting there waiting, oblivious to it's inevitable fate. My pit bull would be the T Rex in this story.

They obviously knew not, the horrors that would surely await them less than 6 feet away behind a closed door. When it comes to chickens make no mistake, this dog is a killing machine. She is fast, strong and kills efficiently. She doesn't want to eat them, she just wants to kill them (if they are on our property). I don't like it. I keep her inside or fenced in with an electric wire at the bottom of the chain link (the only solution we could find to keep her from digging out and attacking birds and rabbits). Occasionally the fence fails, and like the raptors of Jurassic Park, she will test them from time to time. When the fence fails, she is gone. She is an escape expert. I once thought about trying to make a living just letting her test other peoples fences for weakness (like a computer hacker finding the chinks in your digital armor. Sometimes she will return home covered in blood, but most of the time just mud. She loves people and I have never seen this dog harm a kid or human (not ever). She is very timid and loving when she is around people (rambunctiously lovable at times). I retrieved her from a kill shelter. She was on doggy death row. She is blind in her left eye. She was approximately 3 years old when we got her (so they thought).

I felt bad for the roosters because they had no idea how close they were to their own demise. If she were to see or catch a whiff of them, she might try to run past me to get to them, then...bad news for all of us. Them for getting slaughtered, and me for having to carry the corpses to the end of my property near the creek. I have only had to do it once. It was a large chicken, it was still warm. I had just seen it near the front door, in less than 2 minutes it was a warm bird carcass with a few loose feathers lying around a pool of blood, right next to my car in my driveway. I knew if I tripped over it in the dark wearing flip-flops it would be way worse than if I just carried it away by its warm bloody foot, hanging upside down as I squealed, screeched, and and tiptoed through the tall grass like a grossed out little girl.

At 2 am I heard the loud rooster crow. It was so loud because they were 6 feet away from me behind a door and thin window pane.

Added bonus when I looked outside, I thought I had never seen chicken shit as large as this before. There was so much of it too! Maybe I was biased because it was in my daily path of walking? I remember going to the zoo and seeing an eagle shit, and I thought to myself, 'Oh my God, what if that hit my windshield as I was driving? It would break through it!' These rooster turds were not windshield shattering in size, but they were definitely slip in shit and break my leg sized.

The next day, after daylight around 8 or 9, they wandered off (I suppose looking for food). When my son came home the birds had returned. He tried his best to scare them away kindly.

Later after dark, my daughter came home. She tried shoving one off the porch with her foot, it wouldn't budge, but just looked at her. They are either sedated or beyond domesticated. I am not sure which.

My son, as soft-hearted as he is, said he felt bad to chase them off the porch with a broom. He did it three different times. The last time was more aggressive than before. However, he was the one who washed the shit off of the porch, so he was pretty highly motivated I assume.

I must say that I have never been so stealthily and completely double cock-blocked before. I suppose all I can say right now is touche to these birds and whom ever brought them to my house. Well played and please stop shitting on my porch, thank you.

***They have returned two nights in a row. I don't know if they will return tonight, but I will be looking and listening for them; for their safety and my convenience.

How these strange things continually happen to me is outside of my realm of total understanding. I suppose I should just be thankful for the continuous stream of weird and funny material to write about (considering how boring my life actually is).

[subpar-ghoulfriend]

Live In Nanny

Villain!All Might x Reader

All Might raising baby Deku but is in desperate need of a nanny. 

TW: Yandere themes, breeding kink (our villain is ready to make the reader a mommy), dub con 

AN: literally just took Hero All Might and flipped him upside down. So baseline form is big buff boi and villain form is lanky but retains the strength.

Single father with a nine month old child, seeking live in nanny services. Negotiable pay. Negotiable time off/vacation days.

Toshinori was impressed with your interview. You had over 8 years of experience working with children between babysitting and working at a day care. Plus Izuku took to you immediately. It was just a bonus that you were easy on the eyes.

You agreed to begin immediately, trying not to let on that you were in desperate need of money and a place to stay. You didn't have much to move in. And, in comparison to the huge room you had been given, it seemed like you owned even less. You figured your new boss must get paid well. His house was huge, the largest you'd ever been in.

Your room was next to baby Izuku's. Settling in to a routine with the baby was easy. You weren't sure exactly what your employer did for a living, his schedule was sporadic, he would be in and out throughout the day. Whenever he was available he would stop by to love on the infant. It was clear that he was doing his best as a single parent, but house keeping wasn't his strong suit. You tried your best to help out with the chores and grocery shopping, after all he was paying you graciously and giving you a roof over your head.

The only bump in the road so far has been getting Toshinori's permission to take the little one on walks through the nearby park. According to the father, errands were one thing but what was the point of going to park? Izuku can't even walk, there wouldn't be any benefit. Eventually you convinced him, after rambling about how good it is for babies to be exposed to different levels of stimulation. You could show Izuku the ducks and dogs, plus he could see all the pretty spring time flowers.

The older man was worried, he feared that his child, and you for that matter, would be targeted by his enemies. Plenty of low life's would love to make a move against the notorious villain. But you wore down his resolve. So long as you would tell him before you went. Thankfully he could play it off as being a bit of a helicopter dad. He always has a spare crony he could send out there to watch over you two.

---

"What are you both doing," your bosses laugh filled the air.

You were in a very flattering position, palms on the floor stretching through your hips, ass hiked up with a tempting arch to your back. Then you pushed yourself forward, giving the giggling baby raspberries before returning to your original position.

"Baby yoga!" You smiled, oblivious to the growing bulge in the villains pants. "Right now we're doing downward facing dog and cobra."

He watched you cycle through the motions, hypnotized by your movements.

You took such good care of him and his baby. Ever since you got here you went above and beyond (very plus ultra of you). You even packed his meals to go when he had to rush off to a job. And you did it all with a smile and his kid bouncing away at your feet. The man allowed his mind to drift to the thought of you with his babies, Izuku on your hip and your round belly ready to pop.

You made an amazing nanny but you would make an even better housewife.

---

It wasn't until a week after Izuku's birthday that you learned about your bosses occupation. You were at the park and a stranger approached you to coo over Izuku.

"Such a little cutie, this is Toshi's kid, right?"

That caught you off guard, how did this person know Toshinori? You knew he was a protective dad and there something about this woman felt off.

"Well, either way, this is for you," she smiled as she passed you a manila envelope. "A little birdie wants you to have it."

You skeptically eyed the parcel as the woman disappeared through the park. You shoved it into Izuku's diaper bag before rushing back home.

You decided to peek into the envelope after settling 'Zuku down for the night. You curled onto the chair in his nursery, using his nightlight too sift through the documents. Various photos of Toshinori, your employer, amongst high profile criminals. Photos of the most terrifying villain among his infamous exploits. And finally a piece of paper with a single web address and access code. This was the most damning piece of evidence, All Might - the villain himself - joking amongst his companions before transforming into the man you knew as Izuku's father. Without this video you would have never even guessed. All Might was known for his unassuming nature, his slender frame concealing his god-like strength. Still he looked terrifying, like make children cry type terrifying. Toshinori on the other hand was massive but his sunny attitude made him approachable. For all these months you had been working for a criminal. A criminal with a child. You had been living with him, laughing and raising a baby, taking care of him and his family. Oh god, your late night fantasies of your boss, a total DILF, were fantasies of a sadistic monster.

The betrayal and shame brought you to tears. You should call the cops. Take Izuku far away from this place, from being exposed to his fathers atrocities. But you were torn, he was a good dad, he always put his son first and provided him with only the best. He would tear the world apart for Izuku even if he had to put a target on your back. You shook as you muffled your cries, trying not to wake the baby you cared so much for. Eventually you wrote yourself out, falling asleep in the nursery.

By the time Toshinori made it home it was close to two in the morning. As usual he tip toed into his sons room, shocked to find you curled up in the rocker asleep. He was quiet, surprisingly more so than in his slender form. As you made his way to wake you he was surprised to see your phone still unlocked, you had fallen to sleep with that video on loop. Underneath your phone was the envelope, he didn't need to look to know what was inside. He hadn’t woken either of you, managing to shut off your phone and pick you up with or so much as a peep. He decided rather quickly that he would wait for you to make the first move. At least in the mean time he could pretend you didn't care about his lifestyle and that you wouldn't try to leave him or his son.

"Toshinori," you mumbled as he was about to settle you into your bed. You were half asleep and groggy from crying.

"Go back to sleep, darling, it's late," he paused to sway with you, just like he did when putting down 'Zuku for a nap. He was shocked that it worked and finally escaped your room. You let him lull you back to sleep, further affirming his belief that you would stay.

---

The next morning you creeped downstairs. Izuku wasn't in his crib, meaning Toshinori was him. You found them both in the kitchen. The sight of the pair would usually warm your body but now shivers radiated down your spine.

"Look who's up, buddy, say good morning," he bounced the child, beaming like the happiest father.

Taking a deep breath you decided to rip off the band aid. "Mr Toshinori, I have to resign."

His pause was so long you wondered if he heard you.

"Did the video upset her that much, Zuzu?"

He looked at you with the same warmth he always did. "There's no need to be formal, you were fine calling me Toshi just the other day. Take a seat, I made pancakes, just like you like'em."

You complied, his unchanged demeanor intimidating you into submission.

"There's no need for you to quit," he started. "Nothing has changed aside from your level of awareness."

"I can't work for you knowing that you hurt people."

At that his smile faltered, "Darling, if you truly felt that way, you wouldn't be here. You would've slipped out early this morning."

You were silent. He was right, in a way. Trapped between what was right and what was best for Izuku. You'd never be able to do anything about your boss's criminal activity, even if you did and All Might was locked away, Izuku would suffer the most.

"Give yourself a few days to adjust, okay? If you still want to quit after that, we can reassess."

There's was a glint in his eyes that hinted he wasn't asking.

---

"I'll be back this evening," Toshinori told you a as he kissed Izuku's forehead. He was uncomfortably close as he returned the baby to your lap. "There's plenty of groceries so you don't need to go out today. I have a coworker out front, so don’t worry if you see someone outside."

"What are they doing?"

He placed a hand on the top of your hair, petting you like some cat.

"He'll just keep an eye on things. I need someone to make sure you stay put."

---

A week flew by with your employer pushing off the discussion of your resignation. He wouldn’t leave you unsupervised so just walking away wasn’t an option, besides could you really leave Izuku? 

Then the child came down with some type of bug and was absolutely miserable for several days. You couldn’t get much sleep as a result, even if his father was home for most of the day. 

---

Izuku finally fell asleep around three in the morning. You napped beside his crib out of fear he would wake up if you so much as changed positions.

Then you woke in Toshi's arms as he carried you down the hall.

"Where are we going," You whined, anxious to be away from the child.

"I told you to rest, instead I find you in the nursery."

"'Zuku is sick-"

"But he's asleep, there are baby monitors, not that he won't wake the whole city up with his cries. You've been up for nearly two days with him, time for bed."

But he wasn't taking you to your room. Instead he dropped you on to his bed.

"What are you doing?" You snapped.

"I don't need you sneaking back. I can keep an eye on you here. I'll take care of him if he starts crying." He rolled in next to you.

The bed was huge but so was your boss. "Stop wiggling."

"Well I can't get comfortable."

“Fine,” he said and pulled you into him, “now stop it and get some sleep.”

You burned with embarrassment, turning silent after several attempts at protest. Just as you began to drift off, Toshinori's hand moved to beneath your shorts. You shut your eyes, pretending not to notice. He probably didn't even realize what he was doing. Then his fingers grazed the spot where your skin met your panties.

"I know you aren't asleep yet, darling."

You didn't respond, opting to keep up the façade.

"Mmm, are we playing pretend? I don't mind."

You gasped, pushing at his hand, "I'm trying to sleep."

"I can see that," he chuckled. "I'm just helping you wear yourself out. You've been taking such good care of the baby, let me return the favor."

He jerked your hips, pressing you tightly against his bulge.

"You've been such a good mommy."

God the way you could feel your body responding made you hate that he was a villain.

"'M not-" You gasped as he did his fingers into your thighs. "His mom."

"You sure about that? I know how much you care about him. Always rushing to him when he’s cranky, never taking any days off. You make sure he's a happy little baby and you take such good care of his daddy. Isn't that's what mommies do?"

A moan slipped through your lips, "Stop."

"Are you sure? It seems like your having such a good time," he teased, sliding his hand to find your wetness.

Your body jerked involuntarily. He wasted no time tearing off your layers. Your determination quickly fading.

"I'm gonna take such good care of you," he pushed a finger in to your warmth.

You shivered at the sensation. Before you could register his actions there was another digit. He skillfully maneuvered his fingers to prep walls.

"What a tight like cunt," The man cooed. "So perfect and pretty. Just waiting for me to claim."

You gasped as he curled his fingers in you. Tears of pleasure pricking your eyes.

"Atta girl, I think you're ready to take daddy's cock."

You shouldn't be surprised when you saw how absolutely hung your boss is. There was no way the whole thing would fit inside of you.

Without hesitation All Might slowly began to press inside of you. The head of his cock already made it feel like you were tearing.

"Wait wait wait," You cried. "Too big."

He paused, reassuring you, "I know you can do it baby. You're okay."

You shook your head violently.

With a sloppy squelch he withdrew. He disappeared momentarily, give you much need time to breathe. Then he was back and you felt a cool, slick fluid rub against you. He applied a generous amount of lube knowing full well that if he played his cards right you'd happily be his forever.

Regardless there was still a painful pressure as he forced himself deeper.

"You're doing so good, taking me so well."

He was slowly increasing the speed off his hips. All you could manage was incoherent whines as his momentum bounced you back and forth.

"Toshi, Toshi," You panted.

"I don't think so baby girl," he slapped your thigh. "You know what I want to hear."

You couldn't be rational, not when he was pounding into you. All you knew was pleasure in this moment. How could you not give the man what he wanted when he was fucking you dumb.

"Mmm daddy, hurts so good."

"Ah- fuck yeah. I knew you were a little pain slut. You want me to fuck you like a whore and then treat you like my little princess?"

You nodded, gasping for air.

"You've been such a good little mommy, I think you deserve this little treat huh?"

You didn't respond, stubbornly refusing to tell the man what he was desperate to hear.

He shifted to a painfully slow pace as he would pull almost completely out just to slam back into your abused whole.

"And here I thought you wanted to cum, I can always stop here, finish myself later-"

"No! No no no, don't stop."

"Then repeat after me: I'm such a good mommy."

As you stayed silent until he began to move at a snails pace. So close to losing your high.

"O-kay, okay, I-I've been a good mom-mommy," You cried tried to buck against the giant.

And just like that your boss was pushing you back to the edge of an orgasm. You were sobbing from pleasure and frustration.

"I know,” He growled. “Fucking good girl, taking care of our baby while daddy's working. You're gonna look so pretty knocked up. All glowing and swollen. Bet your tits are gonna look so pretty when they get full. Gotta keep you stuffed with my cum so our little boy can have a sibling."

[xoxo-teddybear]

Hi! Um I was wondering if you could write a Domestic Bakugou where they were doing the do and the kid( I forgot his name wtf-😭) caught them? And then Like the next day at school my boy boy is doing it do other girls in his class- NOT LIKE IN A SEXUAL WAY👴🏽🤏🏽🕶 like when they got caught bakugo would say” I’m just protecting your mom from my villains” or sum shit💀✋🏽 So now he is like trying protect his friends 😭Just wondering😁

Ima crack writer so HERE WE GO!!😎

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Bakugou x f!reader

Warnings: Crack, smexy times, cursing, domestic

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

“S-Slow down Suki!”

Your husband pounded into you at an alarming pace. Katsuki came home from work feeling a little frisky and so when their beloved son, Katsuo, was fast asleep, the couple decided to get it on. It was around four in the morning and you two had been going at it for an hour, already 3 orgasms in.

Your bodies were covered underneath the blanket as Bakugou rammed into you. His large arms held your torso close as your own wrapped around his neck. His aching member slipped in and out of you, head just kissing your cervix, as his heavy balls smacked against the swell of your ass. The sound in the room was terribly loud. The way your skin smacked against one another and your moans created a rough melody of sex. Thankfully, you lived in a rather large home and your son’s room was far, far away. Good thing he was a deep sleeper too.

“What’s wrong princess? Can’t handle it?” Katsuki teased with his hot breath against your neck. At your every cry to go slower (in fear of awakening your son) Katsuki sped up his rhythm.

“F-Fuck!” You screamed. Katsuki rose above you and captured your neck in his hand. He stayed close to you as his free hand went to your hip and brought you close to him while he slammed into you. The fast movements caused the bed frame to bang against the wall as Katsuki moaned into your ear.

“S-Shit baby! Oh fuck, you feel so good. So perfect wrapped around my cock.” He groaned in your ear. The immense pleasure and husky voice had your back arching, giving your husband the chance to wrap his arm under you and flip you both over. You tried to keep the blanket covering you both as you bounced up and down his dick, but failed as the fabric traveled down to only cover your lower ass.

As you bounced, Katsuki continued to thrust up into you. His hands held onto your ass and gave it a smack from time to time. “K-Katsuki! I’m gonna cum! Please! Mm, yes! Don’t stop!”

At the sound of your voice, Katsuki’s hands went straight to your clit and ferociously rubbed at it. His actions had you throwing your head back and your pussy clenching around him. Katsuki noticeably jumped a bit when you began to tighten around his cock.

“Oh baby! God you’re squeezing me so damn tight.” He said as he kissed your chest. “F-Fuck, gonna make me put another brat inside ya. You want that? Wanna be full of my seed? Give me another one, yeah?”

You nodded your head as your eyes filled with tears due to all the pleasure. His grip on your waist grew tighter as your legs began to shake. The sound of skin slapping sped up as you and Bakugou drew closer and closer to your climax.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!” He screamed as you moaned loudly. You both came at the same time and to silence the both of you, Katsuki pulled you in for a kiss. You both moaned into it as your hips grinded on his dick. His hand squeezed at your ass again before giving it another smack and then soothing the stinging sensation with soft rubs.

You kiss would’ve continued had it not been for a sweet little voice coming from the doorway. “Dad?”

At the sound, Katsuki instantly jumped and flipped you both over again, covering your bodies with the large sheet. He layed atop of you while you looked away from your son. The blanket covered you both, leaving nothing but your heads exposed. “Katsuo! Hi son, what’re you..Uh what’re you doing up?”

“What’re you guys doing?” Your son asked with his doe eyes he inherited from you. Katsuki’s member throbbed from inside you and he grunted at the feeling.

“Umm...I was just- just...protecting Mom from villains!” You gawked at your husband for his idiotic response. Out of everything he could’ve said, he said that?!

“Cool! I wanna help!” Your son said starry eyed but when he took a step to come closer, Katsuki screamed out.

“N-No! Uh- no, it’s okay bud. She’s fine. Okay? Uh..please go back to your room and go back to sleep. Okay? Yes? Please?” Katsuki asked with a hurried voice. Your son only smiled and nodded before running back to his room.

You both visibly became less tensed as the two of you released relieved sighs. You turned your head to your husband who remained inside of you and slanted your eyes at him when he gave you a cheeky smile. “We sure got outta that one, huh?”

“Get the hell off of me Katsuki!” You said, pushing his face away from you. The shove caused Katsuki’s member to slip out of you and you gasped at the loss. Katsuki smirked down at you and you only grunted at him. “Really? Protecting me from villains? that’s the best that you could come up with?!”

“Well what was I supposed to say?!” He screamed.

“Uh, I DONT KNOW! Maybe, ‘Oh, Mommy’s just cold. Oh, we’re not doing anything son. Oh, THIS IS JUST A FUCKING DREAM!!’ I mean, c’mon Katsuki!” You said.

“Would you have rather had me tell him I was stuffing your pretty pussy?” He asked with a smirk. You rewarded him with a smack to his chest and a pointed finger.

“I don’t need your sarcasm.”

Katsuki only backed up a bit to see the wrecked sight of you and noticed the white cream leaking out of you and onto the bed. “Heh, what you need is for daddy to fill you up one more time.”

“Yeah right, your horny ass just wants to cum again.” You said with sass.

“Yeah, guess what? You’re right, so help me satisfy myself. Besides, you got to cum four times while I’m sitting at two,” he said while peppering your face in kisses from above. “At least let me have one more, baby.”

You smirked and this time it was you that flipped each other over. Katsuki sat up while you sat on his groin. “I’ll help you in another way, Daddy.”

You kissed his lips for a few seconds before moving south to go down on him. It has been awhile since you’ve tasted your husband so this should definitely excite him. Katsuki was definitely shocked but couldn’t stop the huge smile growing on his face. He watched you swallow his member and when you hummed with his cock sitting in your throat, he threw his head back.

“Fuck yes Princess.” His hand found way into your hair as he helped you bob your head up and down. Katsuki was in for a long, long morning.

—

Speaking of mornings, Katsuo was going to be having an exciting one. He had a morning play date with Kirishima’s son and the twin Todoroki sisters.

Akio, Kirishima’s son, came by early and so you were happy to see the two boys getting along so well, just like their fathers. With the exception of Katsuo being much more nicer than Katsuki of course. When you opened the door to greet your best friend, Momo, and her two daughters, you assured the girls that they’d have a fun time.

The twins ran in after greeting you and giving you a hug which left you a few minutes to speak to Momo before she left. You walked to the glass door that gave view of the kids in the backyard and noticed how Homura (the twin with red hair) had gone to play with Akio while Yukine (the twin with white hair) had been drawn to Katsuo.

You always noticed the little blush on your son’s face whenever Yukine came around. You thought his little crush on the icy-calm girl was absolutely adorable. “Kids!”

The little 5 year olds turned their heads to see you calling for them.

“Come inside, the movie’s almost on!” Seeing their faces perk up at the sound of the children’s movie, you giggled and motioned for them to come in. They all happily followed you and got comfy on the large couch. You placed a few snacks on the table for them before turning the T.V on. “Alright Katsuo. You’re the oldest and Mommy has some training to do. Daddy’s upstairs working if you need anything but if you’re all set, can I trust you to keep everything steady in here?”

“I promise Mom!” Your young boy joyously said. You gave him a warm smile before pecking his cheek and walking to the master bedroom to change. You walked in to find your husband on his laptop finishing his reports on the bed.

You walked to your dresser and pulled out a bathing suit. This caught your husband’s attention and had him smirking in the corner. “If you put that on, I’m assuming that’s an invitation for me to rail you~”

You giggled at his wording before walking to him and giving him a quick peck. “It’s for training dummy. I’m gonna head downstairs to the pool and workout with my water bending.”

Katsuki still held his smirk as he pushed away his laptop and pulled you into his lap. You were a bit jumpy but nonetheless settled while straddling his lap. “I have another idea for a workout and if you’re wondering, it does involve bending.”

He pulled you in for a few sweet kisses before you hovered your lips above his own to speak. You smiled as you placed your hands on his chest to keep the horn dog at bay. “What is with you recently? First it’s you coming home to fuck me stupid and now it’s getting riled up from me just holding a bikini.”

“Can you blame me? I married the most beautiful woman in the world, so please believe I’m gonna take full advantage of that.” He replied. You chuckled a bit before he pulled you in for more kisses and a little heated make out session. Your tongues came in contact and began tangling as he took you by your ass and had you grind down on him.

“Mm..Suki, stop,” you said with a laugh as you pulled away. “Seriously, there’s kids downstairs and we definitely don’t want a repeat of what happened last night with our own.”

Bakugou just huffed and groaned while slumping in his spot. You knew he wasn’t mad because as you got off of him and walked the the bedroom door, you looked back at him to see him smiling at you with eyes that carried all the love in the world. You smiled back before walking downstairs.

As you walked down the hall, you hummed a little happy tune to yourself. You love your little family so much. Your beloved husband and your precious son meant the world to you. Nothing could ruin your mood. At least, that’s what you thought before a loud smack interrupted your humming. Your head snapped to the sound and you immediately ran to the living room to check up on the kids.

—

“Are you sure you’re doing it right, Katsuo?” Yukine’s sweet voice said.

“Yeah, yeah. I think my Dad went like..this? *SMACK*” Yukine released a little yelp at the hit and that was when you caught sight of everything.

“Uh, guys?” You asked while walking into the scene. “Is everything alright in- AHHHH!”

You walked in to find Homura and Akio in the kitchen putting plates away and your son and Yukine on the couch. What made you scream was the fact that Yukine was straddling your son’s lap and you just witnessed Katsuo smack her behind. You immediately ran to the two and picked Yukine up while putting her on the couch and dragging your son by the ear up to your room while constantly saying “No, no, no, no, no, no, no...”

—

Katsuki was continuing his work after you left but after just a few minutes, you came back in constantly saying “no” as you dragged your son in by his tiny ear.

“No, no, no, no, nope! No! NO!” You said and tugged Katsuo in by the ear and shut the door. “Katsuo? Sweetie? What was that all about?”

“Woah, hey, what’s going on?” Katsuki asked, shutting his laptop and getting up from the bed. “Katsuo what’d you do?”

“Nothing! I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Mom just came in and started yelling.” Your son said in defense. Your husband looked to you in confusion but you sighed before whispering to him.

“Katsuki, I walked into the living room and Yukine was straddling Katsuo while he grabbed and smacked her ass!” You whisper-yelled. Katsuki’s eyes popped and his head snapped towards his son. On the inside, he wanted to laugh because damn his son was a playaaaaa but unfortunately he had to be a professional parent right now.

Katsuki walked to his son and crouched to his level. “Uh, Katsuo? Why did you smack Yukine? And why was she sitting on you?”

“I was doing what you did.” Katsuo simply said. Katsuki tilted his head in confusion with pointed brows as he pressed for more explanations.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“I was protecting Yukine from villains cuz I wanna be a hero, just like you Dad!” Your son said with his adorable smile. “Just like how you were protecting Mom last night!”

Katsuki visibly got choked up at the last sentence and his mouth formed an “o” as he slowly turned to look up at you. He was still crouching as he stared up at your angry form that held eyes of fury and crossed arms. You looked towards your husband with a raised brow and he began to sweat a little with a nervous laugh leaving his mouth.

“Um, okay son. You had good intentions which is great but..you see..uhhhh....Y/N?” Katsuki asked for help as he turned towards you. You sighed and dropped your head as you walked to the two and dropped down to your son’s level.

“Katsuo, the way your dad was..protecting me last night is only for adults. Not for little angels like you. So please don’t do it again, okay?” You said while holding his little hands.

“Am I in trouble Mom?” Your son asked with a small pout.

“Of course not sweetie. Your dad was right, you had good intentions. Just- please don’t do it again my love.” You said with a wavering smile. Katsuo smile and nodded before asking another question.

“Can I do it when I’m older?” He asked with his pure child innocence. You froze up a bit and Katsuki laughed a little bit you turned to him and smacked his arm to get him to shut up.

“Uh- we’ll have that talk later, bud. For now just, please don’t do it. Okay? From now on, do as I say and not as I do.” Katsuki said and Katsuo listened. He nodded his head and you released a relived sigh before standing up and glaring at your husband. You dragged him by his arm to a corner and pointed a finger into his chest.

“The next time some B.S like this happens again, you won’t have to worry about protecting me from villains for a month. Am I clear, Katsuki?” You said with slanted eyes. Your husband had a quivering smile as he looked at you in very slight fear.

“Crystal.” He replied. You walked out the room to go and check on the kids leaving the boys in the room by themselves. Once your were a good distance away, Katsuki walked over to his son and looked down at him. Katsuki looked to each side of the room before looking back at your son and speaking. “Did Yukine make a noise when you hit her?”

Katsuo nodded and Katsuki smiled down at his boy before ruffling his head and pushing him to the bedroom exit. Katsuo understood and opened the door to go back downstairs as he laughed at his father’s rough but loving treatment. As Katsuki watched his son from the bed he couldn’t help but whisper a little. “That’s my boy. So proud.”

“What?” Katsuo asked as he thought he heard his father say something. Katsuki looked everywhere in the room except at the tiny child at the door.

“Huh? What? Hm? Ah, no, no. Nothing. Uh-...go back downstairs.” He said and Katsuo nodded before exiting. Katsuki layed back down on the bed with his arms behind his head as he smiled contently at the ceiling. “*sigh* Yeah, that’s definitely my son.”

Tag list: @sxcker4you @aomi04

[cafeacademia]

His Favourite Gal | Part 1

Mob!Bucky x Shy!Reader

Summary: You begin working as a waitress at Bucky Barnes’ favourite club in town. Little do you realise that working on mob territory owned by the infamous King of New York, Bucky Barnes, comes with its quirks and you’re slowly pulled into the mobster life.

Warnings: Fluff, some mentions of drunk people, mentions of crimes (though nothing happens, it’s just mentioned).

Word count: Approx 3700

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A/N: Hi loves!! This is a remaster of my own original fan fiction that I’ve decided to take from my old blog and (hopefully) improve. I’ve been slowly remastering fics that I am particularly attached to and I worked quite a lot to get this one overhauled and rewritten!! There’s actually very little of the original writing left, it was interesting to see how different my style is now compared to three years ago! This was also my first ever series I’d ever written on my old blog, so aside from the fact that I love the story, it’s special to me in that regard. Enjoy! 💕

If you’d like to join my taglist, you can do so using my taglist form HERE

It was raining when you finally finished your shift three hours later than when you were supposed to be off for the night. It was tiring working for the dingy old bar, it looked just as sad on the outside as it did on the inside, the old brick discoloured, old panelling slowly peeling off the sides of the building. It was a wreck and so was your boss too. He couldn’t have cared less if you worked yourself down to the bone, as long as he had staff doing a job, he didn’t care.

“I’m expecting you tomorrow, we’re opening early.” He had told you on your way out and it took everything in your willpower not to groan and roll your eyes and tell him so eloquently to fuck off. It was almost a relief when you heard the heavy metal door slam behind you as you stepped out of the back entrance. The air was just as bad. It was thick with smog and cigarette smoke and something pungent, an overflowing bin or perhaps an unfortunate street animal, you thought.

You were glad when it began to rain harder. At least it seemed to make most of the drunkards along the main strip try to find shelter instead of bothering you on your walk home.

Pulling your jacket hood up, you stepped down from the doorway and made your way out of the alleyway and onto the back street. It was never good to walk home alone, especially at night and especially in the part of New York you lived and worked in. It was on the edge of mobster territory and while Bucky Barnes, the King of New York owned it, it didn’t mean it was safe at all. It was quite the opposite, the district was prone to all levels of crime, from pickpocketing all the way up to armed robberies, arson and shootings.

But, you realised as you walked up the street, spotting a group of drunk men up ahead, drink men with rifles too, that never ended well, that perhaps mobster territory might not be a bad idea, especially when there were people working for Barnes along the entire street and they were known to keep the peace.

You heard the casino before you saw it, but as you rounded the corner you saw the lights, the late night rain distorting some of the huge party lights that lit up the sky above the building. Stark’s was not the most prestigious club in town, but it was the most respected and most feared. And funnily enough, for a place called Stark’s, the billionaire did not own his own named club. As far as you remembered, you’d seen it in the papers a few years ago that Barnes had won it off Stark in a game  of poker. You’d never know if that was really true, but it definitely seemed plausible.

As you passed the casino, you glanced over towards the dark tinted windows, watching as people came and went, mostly men in suits. But you noticed a sign from across the road that was taped onto one of the windows, huge bold letters making you stop in your tracks for a moment.

Waiting staff needed. And you stared at it for a moment, contemplating. You… A bar waitress, surely it was not wise for you to sign up to work in mobster territory. That would definitely land you in more dangerous places than you were already in.

But the longer you stood there and thought about it, you began to wonder if it was actually a good idea. You could at least try, what did you have to lose? And before you could even come to a full decision, it was as it was made for you, because a group of rowdy men walked towards you and you immediately took the decision to cross the road, putting you right in front of the casino.

How bad could it be? The worst that could happen was that you just had to return back around the corner to your miserable little bar job. So, with a sigh, you grabbed the flyer and walked towards the entrance.

The bouncer was huge and intimidating. Of course, you had expected as much with the club having the notoriety that it did. It wasn’t long before you were allowed to enter, the bouncer telling you, “speak to Natasha at the bar”, and as you headed through into the casino, you assumed the absolutely stunning woman behind the bar right ahead of you was Natasha.

The club was bustling with people, though it was not as stuffy and loud on the inside as you had expected it to be. There was a clear divide between people dining and drinking at tables around the bar and the casino side of the club which appeared to be behind a velvet rope and deep burgundy red curtains at either side of the bar. It was far more high end than you had expected, seeing as the outside of Stark’s resembled a kind of fancy nightclub, but you supposed the King of New York did happen to own it.

“Are you here about the job?” The woman at the bar asked as you approached her. You wondered if it was your very casual clothing in such a formal setting that gave you away or the flyer in your hand. Either way, you suddenly felt very intimidated and very underprepared. Perhaps this had been a bad idea. You were a girl dressed in the dregs of your wardrobe while trying to get a job in the most respected club in the entire city. Not likely.

“I saw the advertisement outside, I hope that’s alright.” You said as you lifted the flyer in your hand and she held out her hand to take it from you. “Are you sure? We haven’t had many applicants because of certain activities.” She told you, but you knew what she meant, it was obvious. This part of town, even outside of mobster territory was swimming in crime. “I’ve got nothing to lose.” You replied. And it was true, you did have nothing to lose. No family, no responsibilities outside of your current job, which this would replace, no children, no pets, no side hustles. Nothing. And that probably made you a good candidate.

The woman smiled at you, her lips curving up into a smirk as she took a moment to look you over before she extended her hand across the counter. “Natasha.” She introduced herself, smiling as you shook her hand. “Nice to meet you.” You mirrored her smile and gave her your name before she let go of you. “Let me just get someone on the bar and we’ll talk.” She told you.

And moments later, you were following Natasha through the casino, passing by all of the business men, mafia family members and rich men and women who were chancing it at gambling games. Suffice to say, you felt even more out of place than you had done just moments beforehand.

“Where do you work right now?” Natasha asked as she let you pass her into an office near the back of the building. “I work in an old bar just around the corner called The Rabid Dog.” It was not a pleasant name, it always made you cringe whenever you had to tell people where you worked and you didn’t fail to notice the way that Natasha seemed amused by the name of the bar too.

“So you’ve done bar work? What about waitressing?” She asked as she gestured for you to sit down on one of the chairs in front of the desk. Natasha didn’t sit behind the desk, instead she just dropped down into the chair next to yours and rested one leg over the other as if she was having a casual conversation with a friend. “My bar serves food, so I do it on a regular basis and I also used to work in a restaurant a few years ago.” You explained, but before either of you could say anything else, the door swung open and you nearly fell out of your chair.

“Who’s this?” Bucky Barnes, the King of New York himself asked as he walked through the doorway. What had you walked into? You knew he owned the club, but you’d never expected to actually meet Barnes. “This is our new waitress.” Natasha said proudly as she stood. You knew better than to interrupt, but you gathered that someone must have noticed the look of confusion on your face because just as a second man entered the room, he said, “Does our new waitress know she’s the new waitress?” The second man asked. He was blonde, just as tall and muscular as Barnes, though he looked at you with less of a poker face and more of an amused smirk.

“Really? You just hired her like that?” Mr Barnes asked as he approached you. “I like her.” Natasha countered, both men giving her pointed looks, though Mr Barnes raised his brows and nodded before turning back towards you. “She likes you.” He repeated what Natasha had said. You couldn’t help but send Natasha a questioning glance. She had just met you minutes ago and she’d already analysed you enough to know that she liked you and you wondered if Natasha was much more than just a bar girl.

“Have you done waitressing before?” Barnes asked. “I just asked her that.” Natasha huffed. “Yes sir, waitressing and bar work.” You responded. “And do you have any family?” He asked next. “No sir, none at all.” You replied. “And you know this isn’t the type of job cut out for ordinary people, right? This club sees a lot of things.” Mr Barnes went on. “I do, sir.” You nodded.

“Buck, maybe we should consider-.” But Mr Barnes casually held up his hand to silence his friend. “You’re hired.” He announced, the entire room falling silent and all you could do was stare at Barnes for a moment, stunned that he had just hired you right there on the spot. “I am?” It came out a little more hushed than you had intended, Bucky nodding as he smirked at you. “Whatever your pay is at your old job, I’ll pay at least double, more if it’s not enough. Natasha will contact your old boss and get you ready for your first day.” And with that, Bucky Barnes and his friend left the room and Natasha looked over at you, watching as the astonishment slowly dissipated.

“I’ll let you know when you start work.” Natasha broke the silence and you glanced over at her. “Just like that?” You asked, still surprised. “Just like that.” She responded. “Don’t worry, Barnes wouldn’t keep me around if I wasn’t a good judge of character.” She winked at you and you wondered again if she was something more than just a bar girl.

The job, you realised after your first couple of days working at the club, was far more interesting and a lot more rewarding than your previous job at the old bar. The club was a scene for all kinds of happenings and while nothing nefarious really went on, especially under Bucky Barnes’ nose, you did overhear an awful lot of conversation.

You learned as well in those first few days, that while this was not where Mr Barnes resided, he used the club as a place to carry out some of his business meetings and discussions as well as a place to relax.

Barely a week into your new job, you were getting ready for your shift in the little back room. Lockers lined the walls with a mirror at the side of the door and comfortable benches in the middle of the room. Dressed in a simple, but pretty black dress, you tied the strings of your little demi apron at the back, though you paused, a little startled when the door was abruptly pushed open and Natasha stepped in.

“Barnes needs you.” Nat announced with urgency and you frowned at her. “He does?” You asked. “He needs someone to waitress him and the family tonight, he’s asking for you.” She informed you. “I thought-.” “Yes, I know normally we have security taking orders to the waitresses, but he’s personally asking for you to waitress them tonight.” Nat told you and you paused with a slight air of confusion about you. “Alright, I’ll waitress Mr Barnes then.” You nodded, quickly fumbling with the ties of your apron before you shoved your jacket a bit more firmly into the back of the locker and shut it properly, letting Natasha walk you through the club towards the private dining space they were occupying.

Nat rushed you into the room and closed the door behind you, leaving you to stand rather flustered in front of a cosy looking dining room with a round table in the middle. Bucky was sat at the furthest end of the room, his chair seeming to have a higher back than all of the others. At his left was Steve, who you’d been properly introduced to on your first day at work and on his right was Sam Wilson, who you understood was a very close friend of his.

“Sugar, you made it.” Bucky enthusiastically greeted you as you approached the table. You hoped that you didn’t appear too flustered and intimidated, but you were aware that there was only so much you could play off with smiles when you knew your eyes might give you away. “Good evening Mr Barnes, gentleman.” You nodded, finally taking a step into the room and approaching the table, receiving polite hellos and smiles from all of them. “Are you looking after us tonight?” Steve asked, sitting forward in his seat and casually leaning his elbows on the table. “I am, Mr Rogers.” You nodded, lifting your notepad and pen as if it were proof. “Allow me to introduce you to everyone.” Bucky waved you over to him and you took a few steps towards him as he went around the table naming everyone. It was quite easy to distinguish that the people sitting closest to Bucky were of more importance to him as he listed Clint and Scott, who seemed to be his security and Pietro who appeared at first glance to be a mentee as well as the rest of the group.

“C’mere sweetheart.” Bucky motioned you to come and stand next to him once they were all done ordering food and drink. You stood where he’d pointed to and he turned in his seat to face you. You felt your cheeks warm intensely as Bucky smiled up at you, his eyes so soft and sweet and you questioned for a moment how exactly this man was the King of New York. He was incredibly sweet looking and for a moment you found yourself melting on the spot. “Is that everything, Mr Barnes?” You asked. “Not quite, sugar. Add whatever you’re having to the list, it’s on me.” He grinned at you. “I – uh, sorry?” You asked, a little confused. “Are you sure, Mr Barnes?” You hesitantly met his eyes though you immediately broke eye contact. “Absolutely, please eat with us, doll.” Bucky’s voice went soft as he tilted his head back a little to see you better, his lips pouting ever so slightly. “As you wish, Mr Barnes. Thank you.” You smiled at him, speaking softly before jotting your meal on the notepad and rushing out of the room.

You nearly bumped into Natasha as you made your way towards the kitchen. “He wants me to eat with them.” You blurted out before even making your presence known. “He what?” Nat frowned. “Mr Barnes wants me to order my food and drink and eat with them.” You repeated, more calmly this time. “Really?” She looked at you wide eyed. “Does he not do that with other waitresses?” You questioned, ripping the order out of the notepad and handing it to the kitchen staff. “No, he’s never done that before, never requested it either.” Nat shook her head. “Are you sure?” You surely couldn’t be the only one he’s ever asked. “I’ve worked here every night for three years and not once has he ever requested that.” Nat said with a single raised brow. It was definitely unusual. “I’ll get someone to call for you when the food’s ready. Let me get their drinks together.” She told you, waving you away before she went to look at the order you’d brought in.

You waltzed into the private dining room with a large round tray balanced expertly on one hand. The glasses on top gently clinked together as you walked. Handing out their orders, you took your drink last. You noticed quickly that all the men around the table had shifted and there was now an empty seat next to Bucky. “Come and sit with me, doll.” He patted the empty chair. Steve hopped up to pull it out for you and you obliged, gently sitting yourself down in the chair and turning slightly to face him. You didn’t want to assume you could speak unless spoken to, so you politely kept quiet while Bucky noticeably studied your face. “Tell us about yourself, sweetheart.” He smiled, sitting back in his chair as he picked up his drink and took a sip.

“I’ve been around and lived in a few different places. My parents passed several years ago and it’s just been me ever since, so I moved back to Brooklyn.” You did appreciate the soft look on Bucky’s face as he listened to what you said, almost like he felt sorry for you. Before you could continue though, Bucky rested his hand over yours and squeezed gently. “I’m sorry about your parents, truly I am.” He spoke just above a whisper. “Thank you, Mr Barnes.” You gave him a tight lipped smile. “Call me Bucky. We’re with family, which means we’re all on a first name basis, alright?” Bucky gripped your hand gently. “Alright, Bucky.” You nodded, mirroring his smile.

You told him more about yourself and for a moment, Bucky seemed anything but a mobster. He asked you about the books you liked to read and talked to you about the subjects that seemed to make your eyes light up and your smile a little wider. As the evening drew on, you became comfortable enough to share a few timid little jokes, which elicited chuckles and laughs from even some of the most scary looking men around the table. One of them, Drax, who was terrifyingly huge and angry looking, clapped his hand over his chest and roared with laughter the first time you told a joke, which completely took you by surprise. What surprised you more was how easy it was to make Bucky laugh and how down to earth and sweet he was.

By the time everyone had eaten and spent some time drinking and chatting and enjoying themselves, you had warmed up to all of them, especially Steve, Sam and Bucky. All of them though, were soft and charming on the inside, showing you a side to them you were unsure anyone else in the club was ever going to see. They were intimidating on the outside, exuding a terrifying confidence, but on the inside they were all sweet and gentle and caring and it absolutely melted you.

And after you had said goodbye to all of them and made your way back to the locker room, Clint, one of Bucky’s closer family members, followed you in. “Barnes wants me and Scott to make sure you get home safe.” He told you. “He’s requesting we give you a lift back in his SUV.” Clint added, leaning back against the wall with his arms crossed over his middle. It definitely seemed unusual, especially to be personally driven home. As far as you were aware, not even Natasha, who seemed very close to the family was ever given a lift home. But then again, judging by her reaction to Bucky wanting you to dine with them earlier, you supposed this was all rather new for them, just as much as it was for you. “Alright.” You nodded as you opened your locker, pulling off your apron and putting it away before you took out your jacket and bag, quickly getting them both on before letting Clint escort your towards the back exit.

“Hey doll, hope you don’t mind the spontaneous ride home.” Bucky grinned, far too pleased with himself that he was having his men not only drive him, Steve and Sam home, but also you. Of course it meant he had a longer way home, but Bucky didn’t care. Seeing you all off to your houses was important to him and why seeing you off specifically was important, Bucky was starting to wonder why.

After sliding into the SUV and getting comfortable on the soft, plush seats, you were driven home with gentle, quiet chatter between Bucky and Sam, Steve joining in occasionally until you arrived at your apartment building.

“See you the day after tomorrow, sugar.” Bucky smiled, leaning towards the open door to speak to you as you got out of the car. “Thanks for the ride home.” You waved at all of the men in the car, Scott getting out to escort you up to the front door of the building, the car waiting until they had seen you safely into the building and the door shut behind you.

Sitting down in your bedroom, safely back in your apartment you laid down in the soft blankets, replaying the evening in your head, realising you were smiling to yourself when you remembered that Nat had said no one had ever been asked to dine with Bucky and his family before. It brought warmth to your cheeks as you settled in for the night, looking forward to your next shift at Stark’s.

Bucky Taglist (OPEN):

@losers-official @barneswidow​ @megantje123​ @anchoeritic​ @struggling-bee​​

[navalcriminalimagines]

Birthday girl

I can't believe I did that, but here we are. This fits the "Multiple partners/gangbang" square from the Summer Bingo. With our favorite boys; Mike, Rafael, Sonny & Mike.

Words count: 3,9k

Warnings: Gangbang, p in v, creampie, spanking (slightly)

Sorry if there's any typos...

@thatesqcrush

You had a lot of hopes for your 30th birthday. Not just for the celebration itself but also in general. You thought that by now, you would be in a serious relationship, maybe with a kid or two, or at least planning on having one. You had many things you wanted to do before you were 30, but now that you think about it, you didn’t do much of those things. You’re actually far from it.

It just hurts to see people around you having their life together. Your best friend is married to a lovely man, she has a two year old boy and is pregnant with a second and she owns her business. Your sister - older than you - is traveling all around the world with her husband and their dog. And everytime you meet with your mother, it’s like she has to put pressure where it hurts. Every single time.

The only thing you can’t complain about is your job, and the people you work with. Being a detective at SVU is hard, it’s challenging, but you wouldn’t change it for the world. And you have the most amazing squad with you. Also, the most handsome men you ever met. Seriously. Mike, Sonny, Rafael, Nick. How could you not like your job when you see those faces 24/7?

You had expectations for your celebration party. You invited the squad to a beach house that you rented. They became your family, they are the ones you want to celebrate with. But little by little, it was falling apart. First, Amanda had to cancel since her sister is in town, and everyone knows Kim is a handful. Then, it was Liv turn. The day before, Noah got sick, so she decided to stay at home with him. That’s fair, Noah’s health first. And last but not least, your best friend and her husband canceled too. “No one to take care of the kid,” apparently. Is that what it is to have kids? Not having fun anymore? Cause if that’s it, maybe you don’t want one.

So, in the end, it’s just you and the boys. Not that you mind that thought at all.

You left early in the morning with Sonny. He offered to help you prepare the house, and go grocery shopping. “How’s the birthday girl?” he asked, gently as always.

“Kinda upset that everyone canceled. But I won’t let this ruin my day!”

“You’ll have fun anyway. We planned a few things with the guys,” he teased.

You spent the entire day annoying Sonny so he would talk. But he didn’t say a damn thing. Whatever they have prepared, you have no clue. It does stress you out a little but one thing is sure; you can trust them with your life.

Everything was ready when Mike, Nick and Rafael arrived. When Sonny opened the door to them, their arms were full. You saw booze, food, and gifts. Way too many gifts for one person. “What the hell is all of that?” you exclaimed when they dropped everything on the floor, in the living area.

“Everything we need to celebrate your 30th birthday. You will remember this weekend,” Mike said with a huge grin on his face. He walked up to you and hugged you softly. “Happy birthday Y/N,” he kissed your forehead.

Nick and Rafael did the same as Mike. Then, they quickly put their stuff in the bedrooms, before joining you and Sonny on the terrace, facing the ocean. The weather wasn’t the best, but you couldn’t care less.

“One rule for this weekend; not shop talk,” Nick warned and everyone agreed with it.

The evening started pretty smoothly. You were having drinks, eating the apéritif you and Sonny prepared earlier and chatting about nothing and everything. At some point, Rafael came back with a bottle of champagne and poured everyone a glass. “To our amazing Y/N,” he said, holding his glass in the air. “You probably have no idea what you mean to all of us and that’s actually what makes you even more lovable. We care about you more than you know. Happy birthday, querida,” he smiled and toast with you.

You looked at Rafael with puppy eyes. He and the three others know you’re not used to being praised like this, even though you deserve any less.

“This is nice! Mike, your turn,”

The sergeant obliged. He stood up and cleared his throat, “Everyone knows that me joining SVU was my dad’s idea, but honestly, I can’t thank him enough for making me. Cause now you’re in my life and girl, you won’t get rid of me. I can’t imagine my life without you, Y/N,” he paused, “and without those idiots either, but that’s not their birthdays,”

“You said it anyway,” Nick teased Mike.

“Shut up, Nick! Let him finish,” you elbowed Nick.

“Well, I was done actually. Happy birthday, honey,” he bent over to kiss your cheek and then toasted with you.

“I love you,” you mouthed to him. “Nick, now you can talk,” you were excited about this. The past weeks before your birthday hadn’t been easy, you overthink a lot about your life. You actually cried yourself to sleep the night before, but none of them know. Their words make you feel much better. You’re lucky to have them.

“Thank you, Ma’am,” he said before standing up, “We didn’t start on the right foot, you and me, probably because you never chewed your words with me and I hated it. But you were right on most of the things you ever told me. You’re - without a shadow of a doubt - the best friend I ever had. I can’t wait for us to fight like cats and dogs at the nursery home. Feliz cumpleaños, cariño,” he smiled at you and extended his glass so you could toast together, “Also, you’re hot as hell,”

It was an understatement to be honest, but Nick added this comment because he saw the tears forming in your eyes and he refused to see you cry on your birthday, because of something he said. Fortunately, it worked and you laughed instead of crying. “He’s right,” Rafael added with a wink. Of course, none of them missed how your cheeks turned bright red, even if you tried to play it cool.

“I guess it’s my turn now,” Sonny spoke and stood up. But he stayed silent for a moment, “What they said,” he simply said before sitting again.

Mike, Nick and Rafael immediately started to playfully boo him, “You suck man!” Nick exclaimed.

“You usually can’t shut up and now, that’s all you have to say?” Rafael teased him.

“Y/N should have the right to punish you,” Mike added.

“Oh yes, please! Can I punish you?” you eagerly asked.

“Oh honey,” Rafael grabbed your attention, “you don’t ask someone if you can punish them. You just do it,”

“I know, Rafi. But he’s a good catholic boy, remember? We can’t have him running out of the house, praying for our souls,”

“Y/N. You know Sonny is worse then all of us reunited,” Rafael said this so casually, he didn’t realize how it sounded.

“Dominick Carisi, you’re such a liar!” Mike shouted, “you told me you and Raf didn’t hook up!”

“Yeah well, about that? I lied,”

Sonny and Rafael exchanged sweet looks, while you were silently drinking your glass of champagne.. “Are you two dating or something?” Nick asked.

Rafael was about to say something, but Mike stood up in one quick motion and shouted even louder, “Oh my god!” The four of you looked at him, “I think what you should be asking, Nick, is if the three of them are a thing!”

One thing you hate about Mike is how he can read you like an open book. It was hard to hide from him, the night you had with Sonny and Rafael a few months ago. Now, there was no point to lie.

“I can’t believe you three hook up and didn’t say a damn thing,” Nick said.

“To be honest, I’m more offended about not being invited,” Mike added.

That’s how the night took a very different turn.

*****

“I think all the attention should be on the birthday girl,” Rafael said as he was unbuttoning his shirt. You and Sonny were kissing on one side of the couch while Mike and Nick were making out on the other side.

“Raf is right. To be fair, we have an entire weekend in this house,” Mike added.

In a matter of seconds, you were standing in the middle of the master bedroom, with the four men around you. “Mike and Nick need to know the safe word.” Rafael commented, and Sonny took his tongue out of your month to let you speak.

“Armadillo,” you said.

You can’t even begin to describe how you feel about all of this. Those four men just for you? All of their attention on you? That thought only could make cum on the spot. You had to remember the ground rules you had with Sonny and Rafael a few months ago, and the first one is not to overthink. You all know you can trust one another. You’re more safe with those four guys than with one single random guy.

Once the safe word was known to everyone, Sonny remained kissing you. You immediately granted access to his tongue, it was sloppy but passionate. Meanwhile, you felt a pair of hands taking off your top and another one taking care of your pants. “Matching underwear,” Mike commented, as he was the one staring, “You hoped for this, didn’t you?” You smiled against Sonny. You didn’t hope for a gangbang, but yes, you did hope to get lucky. But this was better than anything you hoped for.

“Of course, she did,” you heard Nick’s voice coming from behind you. He gently unhook your bra, freeing your tits and he didn’t waste a second before playing with them. Your nipples were already hard, craving for attention. “She knew she could have any of us,”

“Oh Nick, that’s worse than that. She knew she could have the four of us,” Rafael added, as one of his hands slided in your panties, feeling how hot and wet you were. “Guys, she is dripping,” he let the others know, and he gently started to tease your clit with his thumb.

As Sonny kept kissing you, Nick kept playing with your tits, and Rafael kept teasing your drenched entrance, Mike got undressed. You saw him from the corner of your eyes, and your attention quickly fell on his rock hard erection. He smiled when he noticed where you were looking and started to stroke himself. You locked eyes with him while tentatively trying to touch one of the guy's cock. Your hand landed on Sonny’s crotch and he groaned at the sensation, even through the fabric of his jeans. But Rafael used his free hand to grab your wrist. “Such a needy cock slut,” he said, right next to your ear.

“Maybe Sonny should replace his tongue with his cock,” Nick offered and he felt you nodding. So Sonny stopped kissing you, he briefly took a look at your swollen lips, and your naked body being taken care of by Rafael and Nick.

“Well, Mike, get closer,” Sonny said as he undressed himself, “She loves having two cocks in her mouth. Am I right, Y/N?”

Everything that was happening was too much, you struggled to find your words, so you nodded. But it wasn’t enough for them. “You want to hear you say it,” Mike said after he finally got closer to you.

“I--I want your cocks--” you moaned as Rafael finally entered your core with one finger, “in my month,” you moaned even more when Nick pinched both of your nipples, just enough to make it hurt, “All of them,” you finally added.

To make sure Rafael and Nick could still work on your body, Mike and Sonny stood up on the edge of the bed. Your face was right at their crotch. You took one cock in each hand, gently stroking them, “I think Mike should be first. I already know how your mouth feels,” you agreed and focused on Mike’s cock, but with your other hand still stroking Sonny’s. You softly licked the head, tasting the precum coming out, before taking him in your mouth. Mike let out a huge groan at the feeling, “Man, when was the last time you had a blowjob?” Nick joked.

“Way too long,” he managed to say.

You have to admit, it’s hard to give a good blowjob to a man, while two others are worshipping your body. But Rafael decided to withdraw his hand from your panties and quickly after, you felt a cold breeze as Nick’s hands and body drift away from you. “Don’t forget about Sonny, babygirl,” you heard from the other side of the room.

Your jaw is going to be sore as fuck in the morning as you opened your mouth as much as you could, to take both Sonny’s and Mike’s cocks in. Obviously, they can’t both fit in but it is mostly about playing with the heads and your tongue.

You jolted when you felt a very warm body against your back. You recognized Rafael’s smell. He was fully naked. He held your hips strongly, sliding his hard cock in your panties and stroking it against your ass. You felt his hot breath in your neck before he planted a few wet kisses there.

Your face was a mess. It was a mix of saliva and precum from both men. Your pussy was a mess too. You were so wet, you could feel it on your thighs. You kept sucking Sonny and Mike for a short moment before they made you stop. Mike got down from the bed and kissed you deeply, enjoying the mixture that was there.

Someone finally took your panties off, you don’t know who and you couldn’t care less. You were desperate to be fucked.

*****

The first to get inside you was Nick. You were lying on the bed, a complete mess already, and Nick got on top of you. He gently kissed you, teased your entrance for a short moment before sinking inside your pussy in a slow motion. “Fuck, you’re so tight,” he groaned as he bottomed out. He started to thrust you, slow and deep at first.

The sounds you were making were such a turn on to the four men. As Nick was fucking you good, you had no idea where Mike, Sonny and Rafael were, until you felt someone climbing on the bed. When you opened your eyes, you saw Rafael’s face above you and his cock was a few inches from your mouth. “Open that pretty mouth for me,” he said and you obliged. As Nick was fucking your pussy, Rafael was facefucking you. And this was a lot to handle. It didn’t take long for you to feel your orgasm coming up. Your cries were muffled by Rafael’s thick cock as you came, and it brought him an overwhelming sensation that made him groan hard. “Such a good girl, creaming my cock like this,” Nick said. He wasn’t far from coming either. He buried his face in your neck, and he felt your nails crashing on his skull. It took a few more thrusts before he loaded his hot cum inside you, crying out your name.

He stayed on top of you for a moment before pulling out, at the same time Rafael stopped facefucking you and you cried at the emptiness.

“Someone doesn’t like to feel empty?” It was Sonny who talked. He was sitting next to you and he pushed two fingers inside your pussy, taking Nick’s cum back where it belonged. Your body arched at the feeling and you moaned deeply. “So worked up already. But we’re not done with you,”

“You better not,” you laughed.

“Oh, she’s teasing!” Mike exclaimed. “Babygirl, when we're done with you, you won’t be able to sit for weeks. Everyone at the precinct will wonder what happened during the weekend,” he kissed you while Sonny added a third finger inside your core. You felt a second orgams building inside your belly.

“You better not come on Sonny’s fingers,” Rafael warned you, “You’re only allowed to come on our cocks,” you found him in the room and locked eyes with him.

You knew from his expression what he was waiting for, “Yes, sir,” you agreed.

“That’s our good girl,”

Then it was Sonny’s. The man has a soft spot for a good doggy style, so he ordered you to get on all fours and you obeyed. He stroked his cock between your ass cheeks for a moment before sliding inside you so easily. “God, you take us so well, baby,” he said as he started to thrust. He was faster than Nick, and you know from experience that Sonny has incredible stamina. He can rock inside you hard and fast for a long moment.

“You feel so good inside me,” you moaned, “Fuck, Sonny! Yes!”

“That’s right, take that cock, doll,” he said, slamming harder.

As you grabbed the sheets into your fists, you felt someone crawling under you. It was Nick. He laid down and brought your mouth to his in an eager kiss. Sonny kept fucking you, his hands were strongly holding your hips, so you understood it was someone else that spank you. Mike or Rafael, you didn’t know - although, you had an idea; Rafael does love to spank you - and you cried inside Nick’s mouth. Then you felt someone grabbing your arms to lock them in your back. Nick held you close against him, stroking your hair as your second orgasm hit you hard.

Feeling your pussy clenching around his cock, and hearing you cursing non sense, sent Sonny over the edge. He almost collapsed on you as he came deep inside you.

You felt the emptiness when Sonny took his cock out of you but it was quickly filled by someone’s fingers. You were just a pile of lambs on Nick, but you jolted when one of them curled two fingers inside your pussy. “You love that, don’t you? Nick’s and Sonny’s cum mixing inside you,” You don’t know if that’s Rafael that is fingering you but he’s the one talking. You were still catching your breath when the fingers were replaced by a cock teasing your entrance.

“Do you want to keep going, babygirl? We can st--”

“I didn’t say the word, did I, Mike?” you shot.

“Right. Then it’s my turn to fill that pussy,” he didn’t give you the time to answer, he shoved his cock inside your cunt.

“Oh fuck! Mike, yes!”” you cried.

Nick stayed under you as Mike fucked you hard. Mike’s short nails scratched your back as he went in and out of you. He withdrew completely before sinking back and bottoming down. He did that a few times, enjoying your noises every time he hit your sweet spot. “Damn, that pussy is so perfect,” he growled.

“It was made for us,” Sonny said.

On your left, you saw Rafael standing there, stroking his cock as he watched Mike fucking you. You extended your hand to replace his and he let you. “You can’t get enough,” he teased you.

“Never,” you grinned.

Mike grabbed your hair in his fist, bringing your back to his chest. That new angle almost sent you over the edge again. “Holy shit, this feels amazing,” you breathed out. You didn’t notice the look Rafael and Sonny exchanged. You sloppily kept stroking Rafael, while Sonny’s hand found its way to your clit. Mike had to hold you close to him as a third orgasm arrived.

Nick was still laying on the bed, an arm under his head. “This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s like my very own porn movie,”

“Get ready to take a new part in it,” Sonny winked at him.

“Working on it,” he said, stroking his semi hard cock.

Sonny chuckled before burying his face in your chest. He sucked on your nipples, and kept playing with your clit. “Jesus, fuck! I--I’m--coming,” you managed to say as your third orgasm hit. You held onto Sonny’s shoulder for dear life, Mike was slamming so hard and fast inside you, chasing his own orgasm. He bit your shoulder as he emptied himself deep inside you, adding his semence to Sonny’s and Nick’s.

You collapsed in Sonny’s arms and he gently laid you on the bed, next to Nick. Mike was catching his breath on the edge of the bed. “Water,” you managed to say.

Not that it mattered, but Nick seems to be the best for the aftercare. He gently stroked your hair, and planted sweet kisses all over your face. Sonny came back with water for everyone. All of this is more than amazing, this can’t be compared to anything you ever experienced before but you gladly enjoyed the water break.

As you were sitting on the bed, Rafael grabbed your face to kiss you. It was soft, almost loving. Your hands traveled his hairy chest as you granted access to his tongue. You fell on your back, taking him with you. “You okay?” he whispered.

“Never better. Fuck me, Raf,”

On the other side of the bed, Nick chuckled. “Three cocks, three orgasms and she is still asking for it. You’re such a pretty slut, Y/N, aren't you?”

“I’m your slut. To the four of you,” you smiled at him.

Rafael teased your entrance with his cock as he was kissing and nipping your neck. Your pussy was a wet and sticky mess. The other men fucked you open, Rafael slided inside you so easily. To be honest, he wasn’t far from coming already after everything he witnessed and you wrapped him so perfectly, it was overwhelming.

You moaned loudly in his ear, your nails digging in his skull. As he thrusted into you, he couldn’t help but to slap your thigh, since he can’t reach your ass for a proper spank. But you could reach his, so you returned the favor. It took him by surprise, so did the growl he let out. “Someone likes to be spank,” Sonny commented, before duplicating your action on Rafael’s ass.

Another spank, but this time from Mike. And one from Nick. You loved having all the attention from the guys, but you have to admit that this brings something else to you. Hopefully this will be repeated before you go back to New York, but this time, this will be an orgy, instead of a gangbang.

You bit Rafael’s bottom lip, as he thrusted fast and hard inside you. “Give it to me, Raf. I need you to cum inside me, just like them,” he crashed his lips on yours, as a hand traveled between the two of you to play with your clit. You were oversensitive, and exhausted, you weren’t sure you could have a fourth orgasm before it hit you. You wrapped your arms around Rafael’s neck, “That’s right, babygirl, let it go. Cum on my cock,” he said in your ear, huskily.

That was exactly what you needed to cum one more time. Rafael’s thrusts became sloppy as he chased his relief. Finally, he added his liquid to the mixture and collapsed on you.

*****

“I have to admit, I’m so glad everyone else canceled,” you confessed, laying like a sea star on the bed. Obviously, the four men agreed with you.

“Happy birthday, Y/N,” they all said at the same time.

Best fucking birthday ever.

[many-but-one]

Updates on the Many but One system. Wins, losses, and formally announcing the new host team.

This may not end up completely coherent so I apologize if my rambling doesn't make much sense here, but I really wanted to share something that I kind of realized today.

As a system, we've had a lot of "wins" over the last few weeks, but also many many big and serious breakdowns as well. Alters are literally crawling up out of the woodwork. I met one of the very "first" EPs back when I was freaking two years old, I've learned more about our system in the past three months than I did the previous year and a half of therapy. It's been a fucking whirlwind of pain and terror and confusion.

I have been wanting to make a post about Valentine's huge "win" he recently had in therapy, but every time I sat down to do it I felt like I was in the middle of a crisis. I felt like I was being disingenuous by sharing something so positive when I'm fighting off urges to kill myself every other day and getting massively triggered almost daily and quite literally barely functional half of the time. This time of the year is a HUGE trauma anniversary, and I have many more lined up later on this year that I've learned and I just know it's going to get worse from here. Which sucks ass.

However, I still desperately wanted to share Valentine's success. He wanted to share his success, but struggled to write it himself because this time of year is his and many other parts' trauma anniversary in particular.

I don't know if this is making any sense, but I suppose I realized I really needed to stop the idea that I'm being disingenuous by sharing a huge win in our system while also going through severe mental breakdowns. Grippy-sock levels of breakdowns, almost daily. It's been rough, but I really realized I needed to hold onto those wins. These are really big and happy things that have happened, and I don't need to let the horrific parts of the disorder overshadow them.

So I'm going to talk a little bit more about Valentine's situation, and if I'm feeling up to it I may talk briefly about some of the less positive things that have happened as of late. Note: this is Dorian writing, with Valentine co-con to make sure I'm getting it right.

Valentine, as many of you know, appeared as a demon internally. When he first made appearances here, he was known as Pain. He chose a new name, mainly because of how difficult it is to introduce himself as Pain, sign off as Pain, etc, but also because it was a constant reminder of his trauma, the pain he endured. Shortly after his name change, he started being more open about fronting both irl and online. He started making friends both irl and online. He grew close to a lot of people. While he was open with online folks about being a demon, he was not with irl people. What he realized is that people were treating him like a person regardless of how they knew he looked. When I knew him as Pain, he was not a handsome little devil guy with red skin and horns. He was a literal monster. Almost dog-like, huge, and riddled with wounds and scars. He was the manifestation of being treated like a demon, being treated as "not human." Now that I know what his trauma was, I know why that is. It's devastating.

However, as he opened up with friends and came to care for them and many folks came to care for him in return, offering support when he was struggling, and expressing how much they cared about him, he began to change. He started turning into that "tiefling-like" demon that you may have seen in photos. He was slowly becoming more and more human, while remaining demonic in nature. However, it was during his trauma anniversary, at the very worst of it, that he reached out to friends and they aided him in his crisis. And that's when it REALLY hit him that he was finally being seen as a person, at the height of feeling the pain and seeing flashbacks of being treated like a "not person." He was being cared for and loved by people who never once saw him as anything but a kind human being. That's when he well and truly broke.

It took a week or so for him to recover from this, and I was shocked to realize that Valentine looks like a person now. And when I was sitting in co-con while he was talking to our therapist, I heard that when he first split, he WAS a person. A scared kid. Then the trauma twisted him into the hideous creature he was. It was always a shell. It was never who he really was, which was a scared kid deep inside. He aged up with the body, and now that I see him in the inner world, it's like he's a whole different person. Same voice, same demeanor, but human. Like he was supposed to be all along. And how interesting that his human self looks so "pure" by comparison. Those of you who are close friends have seen his newer face-claims and know that he has white hair and fair blue eyes, nearly angelic. It breaks my heart to know that the demon was what he felt he had to be. But now he can be what he wants, and not be tethered by that demon any longer. It is a massive win. And seeing as well over half of our system is comprised of various demons/angels/dolls/robots/nonhumans due to the dehumanization of our abuse, seeing a very important and influential member of the system "come out the other side" so to speak and be able to look and feel like a person again was incredibly hopeful for us. I am so, so happy for him.

Just a few other updates: had some new parts start showing up and a lot of shuffling around happening. A lot of the frequent fronters you see in our pinned have not been our frequent fronters for well over 6-8 months now, they have almost fully internal jobs now, and I will be fully updating our pinned to accommodate our new host team. As a system with complex DID, I learned that host teams and frequent fronters seem to rotate depending on the time of year, or what is needed at the moment. So who was frequent fronting back in the early days of me learning about the system were mainly frequent fronting because they were the most palatable for me to understand (humans, with very little trauma), when in reality, the most competent frequent fronters were ANEPs, (apparently normal emotional parts), AKA parts with trauma that can cope with everyday life as if they do not have trauma, many of them non-human in some way. Which is apparently not uncommon in C-DID. Many of them are considering making their own blogs, so I will help them with that process. They will likely begin signing off as themselves now rather than "blurry" or "Dorian." They were not known by myself or others for a long time, so they have actually been lurking around here for a lot longer than I thought. Not surprising, really.

The new host team:

-Dorian, main ANP, fusion of Foster and Jules. Genderfluid, he/him pronouns. Doesn't identify with an age internally, but externally will identify with mid-20s like the body.

-Ess, co-host, doesn't care about gender, he/they/she pronouns. He's around a lot and will probably introduce himself better another time. Ageless.

-Valentine, tertiary gatekeeper/primary protector, male, he/him pronouns. Also very often seen. Mid-20s, like the body.

-James, Primary gatekeeper, male, he/him pronouns. Not as often seen as the above three, but pops in often enough to be considered part of the host team. Mid-20s, like the body.

-Deimos, protector/persecutor, male, he/him pronouns, very first EP split. He will probably talk about himself eventually here too. He's been around a long fucking time. Doesn't identify with an age.

-Charlie, emotional neutralizer, male, he/him pronouns. He is kind of an honorary host team member, he rarely fronts on his own. He's fantastic when it comes to neutralizing big emotions like anxiety or severe depression. One of our most competent young parts. Yes, we let our child alters on the internet, go cry me a river. He's more mature than 99% of you idiots trying to gate keep other systems' littles. He's 7 years old internally.

There were many, many new parts, and perhaps sometime I'll make a breakdown of our basic system structure because it is honestly absolutely bonkers how interesting it is. (I say interesting just so I don't cry about it lol. It's absolutely devastating that this has to exist, and now that I know more about who came when, it is heartbreaking.) We were a system long before our most serious abuse occurred, which is absolutely wild to me. We were a functioning system as young as 3-4 years old, with more elaboration occurring as we grew up. Then the very serious, OA/MC/CSEM abuse occurred later in our childhood and that's when the system REALLY exploded and we had to completely restructure to be able to handle the shit we were going through.

Something I discussed with folks in our system server is something called "host guilt" that I don't see talked about very often on social media. People sometimes joke that hosts are "useless alters" or "all they do is front haha" but like. Hosts are incredibly important and influential. They were the "face" that allowed us to continue on normally and survive. And yes, I do feel guilty being that face. I feel guilty knowing there's dozens upon dozens if not HUNDREDS of shards of myself who are in constant pain and agony while I got to live blissfully unaware until my early 20s. I feel so much immense guilt knowing that they didn't choose to be what they were. They didn't want to be hurt, that was simply what they were made for. Why me? Why not James? Why not Alice? Why not Deimos or Ess? Why not the gazillion of little blonde haired blue eyed cherubs in there? Or fuck, why not the goddamn biblically accurate angel? Like, fuckssakes, how did I get the longest straw of them all? How was I the one that they decided would be the "face" the ANP? I don't know. And I am wracked with guilt almost daily. So many parts feel malice toward me. For the fact that I hold no trauma, for the fact that I sat with denial for years, for the fact that I sometimes still ride the denial train, thinking "This can't be real, this couldn't have been that bad" when they are screaming in my ear: "I AM HERE! IT WAS THAT BAD! I LIVED IT!!!!"

It's devastating, like I said in our spoken poem I posted yesterday, to realize the extent of the damage done. DID is not a fun diagnosis to have. It will rip you apart and spit you out. You will feel betrayal like nothing before. You will feel guilt and shame and pain.

But there is also beauty in it, and I am slowly trying to embrace that. I love our system. I would not trade it for anything. If I could be not-traumatized and not a system, I would take it in a heartbeat because this is suffering in its rawest form. However...what they've done for me is exponential and I love them for it. DID is the ultimate act of self-love and sacrifice. As I'm typing this, I'm literally crying and I know it's not me crying. I think we all feel it. I'm sorry you're hurting, parts known and unknown. I will never let you hurt again. I promise.

-Dorian & Val