#when i was 13 and self harming
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#yk how sometimes when youre a bit dissociated everything looks too real#but like in a fake way#like everything is a photograph or like youre seeing through a camera#that plus the heat and the shade of the white overhead lamp in my bathroom#gave me sort of a physical flashback to what it felt like to be in that bathroom under the same light in the same heat#when i was 13 and self harming#it was like time warped and the bathroom was the exact same but i was simultaneously 13 and 23#this is such a weird feeling#most of the time i cant understand what was going through my mind back then its like it wasnt me doing that#but for like 5 minutes i understood perfectly and it shocked me that i ever forgot what it felt like#and now that im in bed that feeling is fading#im so disconnected from myself i dont have memories that form a somewhat cohesive narrative#its all choppy bits that are accessed randomly and freak me out#delete later
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THIRTEEN 2003, dir. Catherine Hardwicke
#thirteen#thirteen 2003#thirteenedit#filmedit#movieedit#fyeahmovies#filmreel#doyouevenfilm#filmgifs#2000s#self harm tw#drugs tw#y2k#gifs*#evan rachel wood#nikki reed#catherine hardwicke#idk who to tag in this sry#this film had a lot of impact on me bc it came out when I was about 13 and tbh 13-year-olds had no business watching this#the directing choices make the setting of tracy's downward spiral disturbing and its super good unfortunately#it makes sense that catherine hardwicke did this film and twilight she loves a crusty cool toned filter and nikki reed
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Once again unsure of my entire existence and wondering if I should simply give in to societal pressures, live as a woman and act and dress like it, go on a strict diet to achieve the ideal feminine body, go back to my natural hair colour and get a sensible feminine haircut, start drinking alcohol even if I don't like the taste and am scared of the feeling of losing control, get a boyfriend because everyone always tells me how pretty I am and that getting into a relationship shouldn't be a problem, basically do all the things I have no interest in or have strong reservations about just to see if it'll cure my depression like everyone always tells me
#logically i know this would be considered some form of self harm but hey#one of my first therapists when i was around 12/13 suggested me to take illegal uncontrolled street drugs.#maybe i should've listened to her??? idk#idk what to do with my life. no direction. so maybe following all the unsolicited advice everyone always gives me could turn things around??
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I need to put this into the world, but Gale's abs don't bother me...or more like I can get why they're there for 2 reasons; 1) I've heard enough stories about those who strive for what are essentially show abs to know they can actually be weak af. I had brothers in sports during the 90s, I have witnessed things. and 2) Um...this is darkish, darker?
but I figured he always made his body into what Mystra wanted. With his people pleaser personality, it tracks. Particularly when you see the Drow twins and realize that he is not exactly comfortable with himself and he's uncomfortable with the whole situation. Being depressed for a year pre-game could've made him double down on his needing to look perfect for Mystra mindset in part as an additional form of punishment.
Anyways, fuck Mystra.
This is all headcanon bs and, as a plus-sized person, I am in full support of pudgy Gale and especially post game I have healed pudgy Gale. Let him be fat! And let it be utterly joyful as well!
#gale of waterdeep#gale dekarios#you don't have to side with me here#i wish we could've had a wider range of body types not just in the creater but in the world as well#this is just be expressing a rationalization for why an 8 str stat doesn’t necessarily mean no abs lmao😅#i mean dex is also there and for the most part a more commonly used physical stat for classes#dex based characters also have abs in art all the time#bg3#baldur's gate 3#i bring up dex because when you consider 10 as average#and gale has a 13 dex#that's...above average#i give up when it comes to typos in tags#tw body dysmorphia#I'm assuming that would cover the idea I'm going with here#not to mention#tw grooming#tw self harm#potentially?!
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just thinking abt how when i was 13 i had internet friends from instagram (book instagram was very popular for the 13 yr old girl population at the time) who were the same age as me & among other things one of them was like oh i can teach you how to have an eating disorder like 😭😭😭 literally those exact words & i was like yes this is normal :) i tried to employ those tips however i already had an eating disorder so it made it impossible for me to give myself a second eating disorder that would contradict the first one i didn’t realize i had. but basically social contagions among teenage girls are crazy 😭😭😭😭
#michelle speaks#very hard to make urself anorexic when u already have binge eating disorder 😭 VERY incompatible eating disorders….#but like crazy how teenage girls will just be like oh i can teach u how to have an eating disorder for no reason like it’s not like i asked#she just offered it up to us in the chat 😭 and i was like ok i guess i should try that#but obvs i couldn’t do it bc i could not cope w my stress & anxiety w/o eating as per bed 🤪#them + the other 13 yr olds on instagram were also the reason i started c*tting. like girls. what r we doing.#like it never occurred to me to do those things until i saw other girls my age doing it & acting like it was cool so i was like oh i guess#i’m supposed to do it too. although to be real i prob would have started c*tting anyway once i saw it in some media or another anyway#AND i developed an eating disorder all on my own so when u think abt it. i was very on trend just by being me ❤️#i only say the second thing bc i was very deeply depressed & not then but over time i did start developing a lot of self harm fantasies etc#but that is MY personal business. but even if so it was damaging to see that stuff at 13#bc perhaps maybe i wouldn’t have & maybe i wouldn’t have had self harm fantasies as an adult & such#ok well i was supposed to go to sleep but i spent 20 mins writing this post for no reason. oops!
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my therapist was trying to convince me that I'd miss out on all of these things if I died, but I really don't care??
#i have a hard time convincing myself that staying alive would be worth it#even if i will feel better in a year or 10 years is it worth it?#i feel like being dead and never having to live or feel this way again would be worth it.#like yes i would never get to do a lot of things but i also would be dead so does it matter?#i just want to die so badly. i don't want to do anything anymore. i just want to be dead.#i don't know what to do#when you're suicidal they like to put you in the hospital but i don't see how going to the hospital could help me#ive already tried 13 antidepressants and the meds im on do help just not enough#so the hospital could help with safety but there's nothing that can really help me#i haven't been self-harming and i dont have like a specific plan so idk if the hospital would even take me
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finally watched heartstopper because one of the part time kids from when i worked at the bakery really wanted me to for the longest time and i was feeling sentimental. i don’t think i have ever wished so strongly to have had a piece of media as a teenager + have never felt so much gratitude that kids get to have it now
#‘it’s corny’ is such a lame and wilfully obtuse criticism#charlie and nick are 14 and 15 when it starts!!!! kids that age are more than allowed to be corny!!!!!#as the actors have said it’s an optimistic and idealized in some ways version of reality#but it’s so grounded in reality!!! especially from the viewpoint of the age group of the characters#I also think even in the brief beginning of charlie’s storyline with anorexia and self harm the portrayal is already so much healthier and#safer for a show geared towards an audience who statistically has mental health struggles more often#than 13 reasons why for example#i wish to god that show had never gotten made#also YEAH DUDE it’s so normal for 15 year olds to not drink or do drugs or even know where to get drugs#and to not be ready for sex!!!!!!!!!#also A REALISTIC PORTRAL OF LESBIAN TEENAGERS !!!! THAT IS SO CUTE AND SWEET#anyway im. looking into masters of information programs#thinking about being a librarian just has me emotional about recent censorship and book bans surrounding queer literature#really and truly breaks my heart that heart stopper the graphic novels are on those lists#heartstopper
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the pain of desire is quenched by the fire no inkling of caring he's grief-stricken, staring no blood loss or feeling as smoke hits the ceiling he sips down his sorrow and prays "no tomorrow"
but when he sleeps, I hope he's okay but when he drinks, he hits on you and when he sleeps, I know he's okay ‘cause when he dreams, he's someone new
#songposting#lifeposting#kinda#I used to set fires in my room and outside and dissociate when I was 13-16#also I can read vague self harm vibes in this song so uh#self-harm tw#The Mutilation Years#scarling#scarling.#alexander the burn victim
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exposing edward lore (i remembered something traumatic i blocked out of my memory)
i just unlocked a memory,, uhm. when i was younger i remember i got in trouble for something and my dad yelled at me made me get in the car with him and then drove around a trailer park and yelled at me more and told me basically that if i didnt lock in soon i was gunna live like that and then like. basically just started hating on poor people which is crazy because he grew up poor?? 😭😭 i literally dont even remember what i did to deserve that??
and the in that same year i woke up late and my parents were askeep in there room, and i was a bus rider so i just ended up getting on the bus in some jeans and pajamas and i ended up getting a shirt from the councilor bc it was literally just a pj shirt and we were goinf on a feild trip and then apparently the councilor called my mom abt it and i got in SO MUCH TROUBLE,?, ?? BC THE COUNCILOUR WAS MEAN TI MY MOM?? THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT,,,????? literally my mom threw away a TON of my clothes including some of my favorite clothes and took all my shit out of my room and took off the sheets from my bed and shit like literally the only thing in there was some shelves and an empty bed?? and then i got crashed out on and i wasnt allowed to see spongebob the musical i was grounded and i got ALL OF THAT because the school counselor was shitty over the phone. 😔
and also later that year i remember my mom was in the hospital with covid before covid was a thing that ppl knew abt and like i asked abt what was going on bc my mom didnt wanna see her parents and there was a whome thing going on with that and it was stressful so i was like “guys whats going on? why wont we let them in?” and they both ignored me so i lept asking and then i got yelled at for trying to act like an adult 😭😭
i also once got yelled at for eating too much that year,,, like i cooked up a bunch of hamburger patties bc we were moving soon and we didnt have alot to eat so id eat them like steaks and i was literally SO hungry like i think i hadnt eaten or smth??? idk but u felt starving so i made four to eat and my mom screamed at me for it and then told me she didnt even wanna look at me anymore she was so mad ????
#unjustified crashout#literally i was 9 or 10 why were they opping with me#half ts is insane work i would not do to my child#i dont remember alot from that year tbh..#i was lowkey exposed to a TON of trauma that year and onward#well the years before thag too#now that i think abt it my prime years were spent being deeply traumatized#errr#gulps nervously#like literally from the years of 6-13 i was just getting repeatedly traumatized over and over#thats like. 7 years straight#man no wonder im so fucked up now#getting diddled abused and abandoned in succession is INSANE work on my lifes behalf#and it prob goes back even further bc when i was a wee lad i apparently got abused by my dad????#why was i at 6 years old doing self harm with an epi pen 😭😭#i dont even remember why dawg#my lore goes crazy yall dont even know most of it 🔥🔥🔥#eddie yaps
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people when they realize that i have nothing for my future and that i wasn't even supposed to live this far in my life: 😲😲😲😲😞😞😞😞😞😞
#ghostlover <3#IDC!!!!!!! I'M 13 AND IDK WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WHEN I GROW UP!!#I SHOULD BE DEAD!!!#ima turn into a drug addict if i grow up old enough istg#a self harming junkie who lives by myself or with roommates because i can't make enough money to live by myelf!!!
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#tw#tw sh#one day i will grow out of self harm :(#managed to convince myself to not properly cut but i’ve still run a blade across my arms a few times but not enough to break skink even#skin*#i fucking hate the new ios autocorrect so fucking much#though i really really want to see blood#i haven’t felt like this since i was 13 :(#i wish i was normal so badly i can’t do this anymore#i can’t cope with intrusive thoughts all the time anymore :( they happen even when i have company now and i can’t cope
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#wow what a surprise more self harm venting in the tags.#>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#i like.#forget how much i have self mutilated for like my entire fucking life.#I literally don't ever think about it unless I'm in an active episode.#somehow.#somehow I don't think about it.#despite how many scars i have all over my body.#somehow i just. don't register their existence.#unless I'm thinking about harming or actively in an episode like i said.#so strange. idk what the point of this was just.#noticed a small patch of scars i gave myself in like 2017 i think and i was like. oh.#oh yeah. totally forgot about that#because anytime it comes up i always say ''oh yeah i used to cut when i was like 11-13.''#that's literally not fucking true??#i started at 9 and have done it on and off ever since???#literally have the scars to prove it???#why do i keep forgetting that.#—kieran#bite.txt
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I just ruined everything
#I don't even know why I'm sad#When I was 13 I promised to never self harm again#When I was 14 and 15 I went through the hardest moments of my life#It's now at age 17 that I decided to break that streak#I don't even know why#But time to make a Tumblr post about it amiright?#I am so pathetic I'm sorry guys#I wish I could be stronger#Emily don't look#Ask to tag
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Mickey they could never make me hate you. Even WHEN you were the dirtiest white boy in America. V THAT MAY BE TRUE but he's also soooo pretty so he gets a pass cuz he's so babyboy and babygirl and an angel that deserved so better like fucking love and compassion and pride and adoration from his fucking shithead father. (if you can't tell I'm on my season 2 shit) honestly he was so much more dirty white boy tm in season 1 tho...
”I came out for you, you piece of shit”
YES YOU DID MICKEY. YES THE FUCK YOU DID.
#mickey milkovich they could never make me hate you#mickey milkovich is a perfect angel#babygirl has never done anything wrong a day in his life#the babygirlification of mickey milkovich#the dirtiest white boy in America#i think crying in iggys arms about all the shit terry used to do to him would heal him honestly#like i think maybe mickey had suicidal tendencies that iggy never knew about and he almost succeeded one time#when the shit with svetlana happened and she brokenheartedly made him promise to fucking stop when he overdosed on some pills and he did#but it didnt stop him self harming until the day he didnt feel so trapped with no way out and hearing all that fucking broke iggys heart#and he apologizes to mickey for abandoning him because thats his lil bro and he never knew he was hurting that bad#and maybe mickey always thought iggy would kill him for being gay if he ever ran into him but wouldnt seek him out cuz of his worthlessness#so when he finally runs into iggy on the west side hes fucking scared cuz he was wrong iggy finally decided to hunt him down and kill him#and that broke iggy almost as much as the feeling suicidal for the longest time and he didnt even know thing#and he ends up telling mickey that hes actually known mickey was gay since he was 13 and he now wishes he would of been there for him#wishes that he wouldve protected him and let him know it was ok but he cant change the past but he wants to be there for him now if allowed#i just fucking need mickey and iggy bonding#i need mickey and iggy hurt/comfort#maybe its revealed that mickey used to sneak into iggys room as a little boy at night after/when terry was a monster and cry in his arms#while iggy kissed his hair until he fell asleep when mickey falls to his knees and starts crying like a baby in his arms and iggys rocking#with mickey and kissing his hair and telling that hes here for him just like old times and mickey says “ 's the only time i ever felt safe#“ 'y were my safe place” and iggys all like i know im sorry babybrother and maybe lip walks in on it and is an asshole about it#cuz he thinks its weird but ian is having NONE of it cuz his baby NEEDS this but lip also feels bad for mickey#cuz its fucked up that he wanted off himself cuz his dad had him feeling trapped and dead inside and wanting to do anything to get away#and maybe hes not so much of an asshole to mickey after cuz ians right mickey DID need that#idk where the fuck this came from cuz this so wasnt the original point of the post or the reblog at first but here we are#and i really need this fic cuz just mickey and iggy hurt comfort like this would be heartbreakingly beautiful#mickey milkovich#i think i need to iterate that its mandy that makes mickey promise to stop trying to commit suicide not svet#cuz he would do anything for mandy even when she leaves and the urge still stays cuz she was heartbroken when she saved him from the attempt#and hed never wanna hurt her like that again even when she leaves and hes fucking hurting still but hed never want to put her through more
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Might need to workshop some ideas here so they aren’t harmful or unintentionally disrespectful. Not what I intended.
#tw self harm#tw sh#my art#my stuff#it’s so funny to put theze three doodles on the same page#love the idea of true influence!13 showing off how hard they struggled against themself just to end up like this#just. I dunno people are allowed to have sh scars and be happy?#<<I’m not really an expert on the topic though. sorry.#influenxe 13 loves that they are such a shame to their past self. most of the self harm and alterations were done by a perfectly normal 13#under some very bad circumstances.#the missing tag? the marked surgical lines? a not yet given up 13#influence 13 ironically doesn’t self harm. at all. they just bite anything else when they’re hungry. why repress when the influence needs#em to spread#like. they definitely feel their past self was a worthless dumb baby and look. guys who are holding out. this is where that gets you :)#isn’t it much nicer to be well fed?#it might be fun to be them on the influence blog#wow you made the ideal self the transgender flag on accident
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I really love the "if _ has a million fans, I'm one of them" copypasta but I HATE that its usually on top of a shirtless picture of onision.
#plz stop making me look at that mans shirtless torso#plz#do the ppl sharing the image even know its him#??? do they?????#sorry but that man taught me how to self harm 'properly' when i was 13 👍#i hate seeing him#i dont blame ppl who dont know its him 💀#unfortunately im just extremely familiar about what he looks like when hes shirtless.
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