#when i was 13 and self harming
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#yk how sometimes when youre a bit dissociated everything looks too real#but like in a fake way#like everything is a photograph or like youre seeing through a camera#that plus the heat and the shade of the white overhead lamp in my bathroom#gave me sort of a physical flashback to what it felt like to be in that bathroom under the same light in the same heat#when i was 13 and self harming#it was like time warped and the bathroom was the exact same but i was simultaneously 13 and 23#this is such a weird feeling#most of the time i cant understand what was going through my mind back then its like it wasnt me doing that#but for like 5 minutes i understood perfectly and it shocked me that i ever forgot what it felt like#and now that im in bed that feeling is fading#im so disconnected from myself i dont have memories that form a somewhat cohesive narrative#its all choppy bits that are accessed randomly and freak me out#delete later
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THIRTEEN 2003, dir. Catherine Hardwicke
#thirteen#thirteen 2003#thirteenedit#filmedit#movieedit#fyeahmovies#filmreel#doyouevenfilm#filmgifs#2000s#self harm tw#drugs tw#y2k#gifs*#evan rachel wood#nikki reed#catherine hardwicke#idk who to tag in this sry#this film had a lot of impact on me bc it came out when I was about 13 and tbh 13-year-olds had no business watching this#the directing choices make the setting of tracy's downward spiral disturbing and its super good unfortunately#it makes sense that catherine hardwicke did this film and twilight she loves a crusty cool toned filter and nikki reed
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Once again unsure of my entire existence and wondering if I should simply give in to societal pressures, live as a woman and act and dress like it, go on a strict diet to achieve the ideal feminine body, go back to my natural hair colour and get a sensible feminine haircut, start drinking alcohol even if I don't like the taste and am scared of the feeling of losing control, get a boyfriend because everyone always tells me how pretty I am and that getting into a relationship shouldn't be a problem, basically do all the things I have no interest in or have strong reservations about just to see if it'll cure my depression like everyone always tells me
#logically i know this would be considered some form of self harm but hey#one of my first therapists when i was around 12/13 suggested me to take illegal uncontrolled street drugs.#maybe i should've listened to her??? idk#idk what to do with my life. no direction. so maybe following all the unsolicited advice everyone always gives me could turn things around??
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I need to put this into the world, but Gale's abs don't bother me...or more like I can get why they're there for 2 reasons; 1) I've heard enough stories about those who strive for what are essentially show abs to know they can actually be weak af. I had brothers in sports during the 90s, I have witnessed things. and 2) Um...this is darkish, darker?
but I figured he always made his body into what Mystra wanted. With his people pleaser personality, it tracks. Particularly when you see the Drow twins and realize that he is not exactly comfortable with himself and he's uncomfortable with the whole situation. Being depressed for a year pre-game could've made him double down on his needing to look perfect for Mystra mindset in part as an additional form of punishment.
Anyways, fuck Mystra.
This is all headcanon bs and, as a plus-sized person, I am in full support of pudgy Gale and especially post game I have healed pudgy Gale. Let him be fat! And let it be utterly joyful as well!
#gale of waterdeep#gale dekarios#you don't have to side with me here#i wish we could've had a wider range of body types not just in the creater but in the world as well#this is just be expressing a rationalization for why an 8 str stat doesn’t necessarily mean no abs lmao😅#i mean dex is also there and for the most part a more commonly used physical stat for classes#dex based characters also have abs in art all the time#bg3#baldur's gate 3#i bring up dex because when you consider 10 as average#and gale has a 13 dex#that's...above average#i give up when it comes to typos in tags#tw body dysmorphia#I'm assuming that would cover the idea I'm going with here#not to mention#tw grooming#tw self harm#potentially?!
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just thinking abt how when i was 13 i had internet friends from instagram (book instagram was very popular for the 13 yr old girl population at the time) who were the same age as me & among other things one of them was like oh i can teach you how to have an eating disorder like 😭😭😭 literally those exact words & i was like yes this is normal :) i tried to employ those tips however i already had an eating disorder so it made it impossible for me to give myself a second eating disorder that would contradict the first one i didn’t realize i had. but basically social contagions among teenage girls are crazy 😭😭😭😭
#michelle speaks#very hard to make urself anorexic when u already have binge eating disorder 😭 VERY incompatible eating disorders….#but like crazy how teenage girls will just be like oh i can teach u how to have an eating disorder for no reason like it’s not like i asked#she just offered it up to us in the chat 😭 and i was like ok i guess i should try that#but obvs i couldn’t do it bc i could not cope w my stress & anxiety w/o eating as per bed 🤪#them + the other 13 yr olds on instagram were also the reason i started c*tting. like girls. what r we doing.#like it never occurred to me to do those things until i saw other girls my age doing it & acting like it was cool so i was like oh i guess#i’m supposed to do it too. although to be real i prob would have started c*tting anyway once i saw it in some media or another anyway#AND i developed an eating disorder all on my own so when u think abt it. i was very on trend just by being me ❤️#i only say the second thing bc i was very deeply depressed & not then but over time i did start developing a lot of self harm fantasies etc#but that is MY personal business. but even if so it was damaging to see that stuff at 13#bc perhaps maybe i wouldn’t have & maybe i wouldn’t have had self harm fantasies as an adult & such#ok well i was supposed to go to sleep but i spent 20 mins writing this post for no reason. oops!
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my therapist was trying to convince me that I'd miss out on all of these things if I died, but I really don't care??
#i have a hard time convincing myself that staying alive would be worth it#even if i will feel better in a year or 10 years is it worth it?#i feel like being dead and never having to live or feel this way again would be worth it.#like yes i would never get to do a lot of things but i also would be dead so does it matter?#i just want to die so badly. i don't want to do anything anymore. i just want to be dead.#i don't know what to do#when you're suicidal they like to put you in the hospital but i don't see how going to the hospital could help me#ive already tried 13 antidepressants and the meds im on do help just not enough#so the hospital could help with safety but there's nothing that can really help me#i haven't been self-harming and i dont have like a specific plan so idk if the hospital would even take me
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finally watched heartstopper because one of the part time kids from when i worked at the bakery really wanted me to for the longest time and i was feeling sentimental. i don’t think i have ever wished so strongly to have had a piece of media as a teenager + have never felt so much gratitude that kids get to have it now
#‘it’s corny’ is such a lame and wilfully obtuse criticism#charlie and nick are 14 and 15 when it starts!!!! kids that age are more than allowed to be corny!!!!!#as the actors have said it’s an optimistic and idealized in some ways version of reality#but it’s so grounded in reality!!! especially from the viewpoint of the age group of the characters#I also think even in the brief beginning of charlie’s storyline with anorexia and self harm the portrayal is already so much healthier and#safer for a show geared towards an audience who statistically has mental health struggles more often#than 13 reasons why for example#i wish to god that show had never gotten made#also YEAH DUDE it’s so normal for 15 year olds to not drink or do drugs or even know where to get drugs#and to not be ready for sex!!!!!!!!!#also A REALISTIC PORTRAL OF LESBIAN TEENAGERS !!!! THAT IS SO CUTE AND SWEET#anyway im. looking into masters of information programs#thinking about being a librarian just has me emotional about recent censorship and book bans surrounding queer literature#really and truly breaks my heart that heart stopper the graphic novels are on those lists#heartstopper
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Shou runs cold, the tiniest drop in temperature & he is doubling layers & seeking hot drinks & heaters. His limbs will feel freezing to the touch even if he stays under blankets for hours. He still feels like he has dipped them in water. But all that isn't suffering to him & he likes the cold weather regardless.
One reason for that is the summer's sun, because Shou doesn't just burn under the heat, he fries. Bakes alive in anything above seventy degrees. And that leads to forming a bad habit he has gained after two visits to the beach, and accidentally exposing his skin to too much sunlight, the pain didn't matter at that point, he has been through worst, he simply observed the way the red burns distracted outsider view from his scars ( he was never a fan of the looks strangers gave him, despite claiming to not care. ) No one can see a myriad of faded white lines if they’re covered by something bright and flashy and burning, and he liked that distraction technique, absurd as it is.
Sunburns aren't a joke, Fukuda reminds him over and over and Shou understands, but doesn't change that easily, decides it's easier to avoid beaches all together, he has never liked summer that much to enjoy it anyways.
#ショウ ; i realized that youth is grey. / headcanon.#self harm /#ask to tag /#peak 13 y/o behavior#he will learn one day guys when he isn't busy fighting for his life
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the pain of desire is quenched by the fire no inkling of caring he's grief-stricken, staring no blood loss or feeling as smoke hits the ceiling he sips down his sorrow and prays "no tomorrow"
but when he sleeps, I hope he's okay but when he drinks, he hits on you and when he sleeps, I know he's okay ‘cause when he dreams, he's someone new
#songposting#lifeposting#kinda#I used to set fires in my room and outside and dissociate when I was 13-16#also I can read vague self harm vibes in this song so uh#self-harm tw#The Mutilation Years#scarling#scarling.#alexander the burn victim
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i don't feel good
really really really hate how many other IS people keep getting intentionally targeted by tools or blogs which position themselves as "keeping tr/ans people safe!!!!!!" just because some of us have experiences that make per/risex v. per/isex discourse points totally moot. almost like being tr/ans doesn't prevent you from being bigoted or something. huh
#dis.txt#like at this point it's why i just use general terms and not modality unless i'm talking abt healthcare and even then....#just. constant reminders that i am not in the ''in-group'' and i never can be. can't even blame myself for thinking abt-#my mod/ality and just blanking. anything i could consider accurate is ''valor stealing'' or ''contradictory and therefore fake''#good job guys! you really needed to show IS ppl that we're controversial freaks you hate! not like we didn't already know that!#and to be quite fucking honest. it's so clear what they're doing when they do it alongside their glaring hatred of ''wrong'' tr/ans ppl#no matter What. regardless of variation. we are always seen as masculinized evil predators. here to dilute your community and hurt you#you see it with tm/ascs in general. with tf/ems who don't conform to one specific ideal. to just. anyone who isn't milquetoast White Tra/ns#god fucking forbid one of us annoying hermaphrodites reminds you of how mistreated and scared and unloved we are#god forbid you aren't the most oppressed person in the room! that you don't hold the One True Experience!!!#also the fact that the majority of pe/risex ppl saying this are the type of mf who will use a direct synonym for hermaphrodite and then say#that IS people with certain assignments or modalities cannot say it? but you can? you can't be talking like that per/isex blogger#or taking our historical figures and going ''omg tr/ans icon!!!!'' and intentionally erasing us. or defending ppl like john fucking money??#maybe i'm just especially hurt because i called myself tr/ans b4 i called myself anything else. i'm talking ''tried to come out at 13''#so it feels like when you find out your family that you were raised with has a high percentage of shitheads during the holidays. it hurts!#and to be frank. this is the reason why so many of us want to die or feel unlovable and unsafe in queer spaces. even if we are queer#this is a reason why some fall into predatory groups or self-harm in a search for acceptance and love. and why so many of us decide to die#i cannot tell you how hopeless it feels. especially as someone who was already abused by other queer ppl already. i feel like an animal
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people when they realize that i have nothing for my future and that i wasn't even supposed to live this far in my life: 😲😲😲😲😞😞😞😞😞😞
#ghostlover <3#IDC!!!!!!! I'M 13 AND IDK WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WHEN I GROW UP!!#I SHOULD BE DEAD!!!#ima turn into a drug addict if i grow up old enough istg#a self harming junkie who lives by myself or with roommates because i can't make enough money to live by myelf!!!
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#tw#tw sh#one day i will grow out of self harm :(#managed to convince myself to not properly cut but i’ve still run a blade across my arms a few times but not enough to break skink even#skin*#i fucking hate the new ios autocorrect so fucking much#though i really really want to see blood#i haven’t felt like this since i was 13 :(#i wish i was normal so badly i can’t do this anymore#i can’t cope with intrusive thoughts all the time anymore :( they happen even when i have company now and i can’t cope
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#wow what a surprise more self harm venting in the tags.#>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#i like.#forget how much i have self mutilated for like my entire fucking life.#I literally don't ever think about it unless I'm in an active episode.#somehow.#somehow I don't think about it.#despite how many scars i have all over my body.#somehow i just. don't register their existence.#unless I'm thinking about harming or actively in an episode like i said.#so strange. idk what the point of this was just.#noticed a small patch of scars i gave myself in like 2017 i think and i was like. oh.#oh yeah. totally forgot about that#because anytime it comes up i always say ''oh yeah i used to cut when i was like 11-13.''#that's literally not fucking true??#i started at 9 and have done it on and off ever since???#literally have the scars to prove it???#why do i keep forgetting that.#—kieran#bite.txt
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I just ruined everything
#I don't even know why I'm sad#When I was 13 I promised to never self harm again#When I was 14 and 15 I went through the hardest moments of my life#It's now at age 17 that I decided to break that streak#I don't even know why#But time to make a Tumblr post about it amiright?#I am so pathetic I'm sorry guys#I wish I could be stronger#Emily don't look#Ask to tag
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Mickey they could never make me hate you. Even WHEN you were the dirtiest white boy in America. V THAT MAY BE TRUE but he's also soooo pretty so he gets a pass cuz he's so babyboy and babygirl and an angel that deserved so better like fucking love and compassion and pride and adoration from his fucking shithead father. (if you can't tell I'm on my season 2 shit) honestly he was so much more dirty white boy tm in season 1 tho...
”I came out for you, you piece of shit”
YES YOU DID MICKEY. YES THE FUCK YOU DID.
#mickey milkovich they could never make me hate you#mickey milkovich is a perfect angel#babygirl has never done anything wrong a day in his life#the babygirlification of mickey milkovich#the dirtiest white boy in America#i think crying in iggys arms about all the shit terry used to do to him would heal him honestly#like i think maybe mickey had suicidal tendencies that iggy never knew about and he almost succeeded one time#when the shit with svetlana happened and she brokenheartedly made him promise to fucking stop when he overdosed on some pills and he did#but it didnt stop him self harming until the day he didnt feel so trapped with no way out and hearing all that fucking broke iggys heart#and he apologizes to mickey for abandoning him because thats his lil bro and he never knew he was hurting that bad#and maybe mickey always thought iggy would kill him for being gay if he ever ran into him but wouldnt seek him out cuz of his worthlessness#so when he finally runs into iggy on the west side hes fucking scared cuz he was wrong iggy finally decided to hunt him down and kill him#and that broke iggy almost as much as the feeling suicidal for the longest time and he didnt even know thing#and he ends up telling mickey that hes actually known mickey was gay since he was 13 and he now wishes he would of been there for him#wishes that he wouldve protected him and let him know it was ok but he cant change the past but he wants to be there for him now if allowed#i just fucking need mickey and iggy bonding#i need mickey and iggy hurt/comfort#maybe its revealed that mickey used to sneak into iggys room as a little boy at night after/when terry was a monster and cry in his arms#while iggy kissed his hair until he fell asleep when mickey falls to his knees and starts crying like a baby in his arms and iggys rocking#with mickey and kissing his hair and telling that hes here for him just like old times and mickey says “ 's the only time i ever felt safe#“ 'y were my safe place” and iggys all like i know im sorry babybrother and maybe lip walks in on it and is an asshole about it#cuz he thinks its weird but ian is having NONE of it cuz his baby NEEDS this but lip also feels bad for mickey#cuz its fucked up that he wanted off himself cuz his dad had him feeling trapped and dead inside and wanting to do anything to get away#and maybe hes not so much of an asshole to mickey after cuz ians right mickey DID need that#idk where the fuck this came from cuz this so wasnt the original point of the post or the reblog at first but here we are#and i really need this fic cuz just mickey and iggy hurt comfort like this would be heartbreakingly beautiful#mickey milkovich#i think i need to iterate that its mandy that makes mickey promise to stop trying to commit suicide not svet#cuz he would do anything for mandy even when she leaves and the urge still stays cuz she was heartbroken when she saved him from the attempt#and hed never wanna hurt her like that again even when she leaves and hes fucking hurting still but hed never want to put her through more
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Might need to workshop some ideas here so they aren’t harmful or unintentionally disrespectful. Not what I intended.
#tw self harm#tw sh#my art#my stuff#it’s so funny to put theze three doodles on the same page#love the idea of true influence!13 showing off how hard they struggled against themself just to end up like this#just. I dunno people are allowed to have sh scars and be happy?#<<I’m not really an expert on the topic though. sorry.#influenxe 13 loves that they are such a shame to their past self. most of the self harm and alterations were done by a perfectly normal 13#under some very bad circumstances.#the missing tag? the marked surgical lines? a not yet given up 13#influence 13 ironically doesn’t self harm. at all. they just bite anything else when they’re hungry. why repress when the influence needs#em to spread#like. they definitely feel their past self was a worthless dumb baby and look. guys who are holding out. this is where that gets you :)#isn’t it much nicer to be well fed?#it might be fun to be them on the influence blog#wow you made the ideal self the transgender flag on accident
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