#when i feel like im worth something again.

[a-whiff-of-a-dream]

alright this has been sitting in my mind ever since i first heard it a few days ago, but what Emmrich says about his fear of death in his first scene? It hit differently. Im gonna elaborate underneath the cut.

(also this might be too much personal info for some, but anyways)

'Thats when I discovered I possess a great terror of dying' is putting something I have felt for close to 3 years now so... precisely into words.

I have spend so much trying to find words for this feeling, for this fear, and have not yet managed to communicate it with anyone really so far, because the words have just... not been there.

'It goes beyond dread. It cant be reasoned with or soothed over. It comes without warning, in the dead of night, in sunlit streets. A raw, strangling fear, struck somewhere deep past the heart.'

It hides behind every corner of your life. You can go on with your day like any other person, you can be alone at home or out with friends, seeing the world, and suddenly youre hit with this 'someday it wont matter anymore and you wont feel this feeling and never smell the air again' and you cant outrun it.

Its something you cant change, something maybe not even worth mentioning because there is no way out anyways, so why bother and try to find a reason within it, when there is non to begin with?

'Oddly, I discovered I wasnt alone. I debated this fear with friends, I argued with teachers... Yet... It lingered.'

Others might feel the same, and yes its comforting to a degree, but still it wont make it go away. It wont make it better or unbearable somehow. Because its unreasonable. You know it is. Thats why Ive burried it so deep within me and try not to spiral into despair when these thoughts occure.

I am not really sure where I am heading with this but I guess I needed to get these thoughts out into the world somehow. Because hearing this, having it put into words so nicely? It helped. It made me shiver and it has lingered in my head for a while now, but it also gave me words for something I have not yet come around wording myself.

[rubyneo]

So question bout your latest masterpiece, is Ruby under the control of Neo since I can see Ruby's eye is pink or is that just a clone

clone. i just think what if you found companionship in the facsimile of the person you hate the most because the idea of seeing the face of the person you failed makes you sick to your stomach? what if there was no roman clone but just a ruby who is everything neo THINKS of ruby, who's cold and callous and cruel and mean and neo can beat the fuck out of her and she comes back like a loyal dog every time and fights back and hurts neo back just as bad.

"what is this about?! roman torchwick?! you want me to apologize?! well that's too bad!" ruby yells and her own voice answers "no."

like a more fucked up version of the herbalist's test. "i can't wait to watch you break," not-ruby says with a chilling smile, holding neo aloft. ruby's broken, twisted mirror spitting all the vile things neo thinks of her and ruby secretly thinks of herself. she blames her for penny dying, for not being able to save pyrrha, for ironwood's descent into madness.

[lucalicatteart]

A new sculpture! Finally... I feel like I never sculpt anymore since I'm always sick or have some 500 other things going on or projects to finish, but I'm trying to schedule time to do it more often this year hopefully..! Just a generic fantasy creature as usual, but did try making the eyes a little more sparkly this time.. hrmm..

[elkkiel]

i'm really happy!! i scrolled back on some of my kitty token and like. i'm officially at the point where I'm cringing at my art from a few months ago again!! that might sound sarcastic but i'm 100% serious. stagnating or even losing skill from being burnt out and depressed feels fucking awful. and like without art I genuinely have no fucking clue how to keep on going. but i think i'm getting healthier to the point where i'm finally improving again with little baby steps. so slowly getting those skills back feels unbelievably good

i'm just :') haven't felt hope like this in years, like since i finally found the right mix of meds and didn't want to kill myself every single day lol. life is feeling fucking worth it again baby. nothing to say fuck it to, we are just straight up balling B)

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Hello there, I have a question for you!

Do you have any songs that reminds you of the lovely Laughingstock? I’m trying to make a playlist for them, so it’d be very appreciated!

Also it would be a lot nicer if it’s from 60s-70s, thank you! :-))

(I’m in love your art by the way, what’s your most favourite dragon oc of yours?)

*pulls up my own playlist* uhhhh a Few so far but when it comes to music i don't like... Actively Listen? no wait no - what i mean is i don't pay attention to shit like genre and what decade its made in. i hear a song, if i like it i add it to the main playlist - and a side playlist if it reminds me of something Specific. and i haven't really heard anything that is Strongly Laughingstock so far! i don't actively look!

but uhhhh rn i have: I Want You To Want Me by Cheap Trick strikes me as a them song, as well as Mr. Loverman by Ricky Montgomery, Strawberry Mentos by Leanna Firestone, To Noise Making (Sing) by Hozier, and Fair by The Amazing Devil.

as for my favorite dragon of mine! well that honor would of course have to go to my dearest darling Rogers! she's my special gal <3

[nbmudkip]

rehyperfixating on a children’s game that came out in 2015, is one of the least popular entries in its series, and has minimal content, the vast majority of which i’ve seen before. the series has been dead for nearly 10 years, nothing has happened recently that would warrant anyone’s returning interest in it, very few of my friends give a shit about this specific game, and those few who played and liked it in the past have no reason to give a shit about it at all right now. i have been coasting through on a playthrough i’ve been doing with a friend who’d never seen the game before and who was kind enough to let me show it to them, but we just beat the game, and after we play the epilogue we will have nothing left to do, and on top of that they really have just been humoring me as they have their own very strong current hyperfixation they would much rather be thinking about. also i am depressed enough right now that literally nothing else except for waiting to play this game with them and playing this game with them and watching them enjoy it at least a little has been able to briefly quiet the constant cacophony in my head screaming how much of a worthless, lazy, constantly-failing miserable excuse for a living person i am and how much better everything would be, especially for myself, if i stopped existing lately. would anyone like to volunteer to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ because i would really like for someone to 🔨💥⚒️Kill Me With Hammers🔨💥⚒️ right now

[babehog]

I don't think I have the words to properly communicate how I feel right now. I'm grasping at the hem of my own life. I've been stumbling along my life from the sidelines recently. I genuinely didn't want to live for a not insignificant time of this year. So much shit happened all at once that I thought I wasn't gonna get through to this point.

I feel like I'm regaining myself. I can straighten out my back and walk with purpose again. I can make myself a breakfast and enjoy flavors. I can sing at the top of my lungs and cry and I can feel. I can feel so much again. I almost lost myself and I'm so happy that I'm back. I missed being alive.

[joleneghoul]

If you knowingly go in public sick/contagious you just really dont give a fuck if immunocompromised people live or die or at the very least dont care if we suffer. Fuck!!

[moodr1ng]

i always say im able-bodied bc i feel like it best describes my General Lived Experience but i do have that like. thing in my legs where if i walk briskly for some distance (like 500 meters) i get this crushing pain in my whole lower legs which gets worse and worse if i keep walking until i eventually have to sit down for a few minutes and wait for it to go away. which im still trying to get diagnosed bc so far artery scans and muscle ultrasounds render nothing. and ngl it is like, an issue often enough and is a pretty bothersome thing when it happens (like not only bc its extremely painful but also having to find some place to sit down in the middle of the street and having to stay there a while isnt awesome) so im not entirely sure "able-bodied" fully describes me but i also am not sure its a disability bc we dont know wtf it is. so i guess im kind of in a weird inbetween where i err on the side of just assuming its not a disability and its just like, an annoying body thing..

[frecklystars]

I have another gig in a week and I'm so nervous 😭 I get paid hundreds of dollars for only five hours of work, but it is so nerve-racking and the work environment is so stressful, like literally every time I'm there I'm on the verge of tears or I have to take a 2 minute break before the show starts just to run to the restrooms and cry bc I get so stressed out. And then when I clock out I just cry my eyes out in my car while driving home. But hey!!! Hundreds of dollars!!! For five or six hours of my time!!! Only a few days a month!!! Hundreds!!! Of dollars!!! So it would be totally stupid to quit.

I wouldn't have been able to afford pampering myself on my last two F/O anniversaries (and currently placing an order for a rose bouquet for Six's anniversary for the 18th) if I didn't have this second job... but if it didn't pay me such a large amount of money each time, I probably would have quit by now bc it makes me so damn anxious. The show isn't even for one week and I'm sitting here stressing about it! I have one thousand other things to stress about and this job shouldn't be one of 'em 😤

I just keep trying to think about Ken hugging me while saying "Aw, sweet girl, don't be nervous! You JUST started this job, you've only worked three shows -- you think you're gonna be perfect your first try?? You're gonna be so good once you get the hang of it. Just look at me! I've been doing Beach for 62 years now, and I still don't know what my job is supposed to be... but I know I look So Cool™ 😎"

[lilowoof]

ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD

Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!

[princessmyriad]

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[orcelito]

God, this is fucking crazy

So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.

Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?

I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.

I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.

It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.

So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha

[selamat-linting]

unblocking several ppl because they admit the ending to wrestledream was ass

[wildevenusian]

i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?

can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit

[thebigqueer]

maybe the reason im so upset about it isnt cuz she broke up wme but because all that waiting over the summer just feels so worthelss now. like i know we couldnt talk as much or be around each other as much but i was waitingall summer like when we get back all we'll do is be together!!!! all of the 'new relationship syndrome especially now that its long distance' stuff will be fixed when we get back!! but were over and theres no chanec of fixing it because were over and its just like what if we waited what if we just figured it out for another few weeksand see where it went form there