#****and**** it gets better again even when you relapse. holy shit dude it feels like life is worth living or something

[elkkiel]

i'm really happy!! i scrolled back on some of my kitty token and like. i'm officially at the point where I'm cringing at my art from a few months ago again!! that might sound sarcastic but i'm 100% serious. stagnating or even losing skill from being burnt out and depressed feels fucking awful. and like without art I genuinely have no fucking clue how to keep on going. but i think i'm getting healthier to the point where i'm finally improving again with little baby steps. so slowly getting those skills back feels unbelievably good

i'm just :') haven't felt hope like this in years, like since i finally found the right mix of meds and didn't want to kill myself every single day lol. life is feeling fucking worth it again baby. nothing to say fuck it to, we are just straight up balling B)

[briamichellewrites]

73

“You have everything! What do I have that you don't", Phoenix yelled.

"A father", Bria said.

He stopped and stared at her as realization hit him. She was right. He had forgotten that she had lost both of her parents. Tears were rolling down his face. I'm sorry. She hugged him tightly and held him. How did the argument start? He couldn't remember. Since using cocaine and Adderall with Chester and Kyle, his emotions were out of control.

His mind wanted more pills or more of anything to get him high. He didn't want to feel anything.

She told him she loved him. He loved her too. That was the truth. He loved her so much. She was part of his life forever. He wanted to hold her while also wanting to push her away. When he calmed down, he wiped his tears. At home, the house was quiet. His girls were with his father for spring break. Guilt got to him again as he thought about that.

He took two pills. They gave him energy and he felt restless. He had to do something, so he cleaned his house. It would be cleaner than it ever had been before. It would be sparkling clean! The drug worked for four to six hours. He did nothing except clean, clean, clean. What time was it? He didn’t know. Dishes… laundry… cleaning the bathrooms… cleaning all of the rooms… vacuum… dust… he had never been so clean in his life!

He dusted every little thing, even the tough-to-reach spots. His mother would be so proud of him! He imagined her telling him where to clean next. Good job, David! It looks great! He grinned as he moved around the house. Top to bottom. Did he clean the microwave? Better do it again just to be sure. What about the speck of dust on the floor? Better vacuum that up.

Phoenix! Phoenix! PHOENIX! He turned around and saw Mike. What the hell are you doing? He turned off the vacuum.

“It’s ten thirty in the morning! We were meeting at nine!”

“Oh, shit. Sorry. I lost track of time.”

“You couldn’t sleep, so you decided to vacuum?”

“Yeah. I had too much caffeine yesterday.”

Brad was not happy when he finally got to the studio. He wanted to talk to him, but not in front of everyone. Adderall. He was losing focus. If he took another pill, then they would know. He was antsy and was trying to hide it. He had to cross his legs to keep them from bouncing. Chester looked at him. He knew why he was late. If he said anything, he would implicate himself. He had to stay sober for a week because Talinda’s lawyer was going to test him for drugs and alcohol.

Adderall. Adderall. Adderall. He participated but his mind was halfway out the door. During their break, he went into the bathroom. He closed the stall door behind him and locked it. The door opened, as he took one of the pills from his pocket. He was about to swallow it but he heard Brad talking to someone. Instead, he took it out of his mouth and put it in his pocket.

“I don’t know. Something is going on. I’ve never seen him like this before. He’s… something is going on. Maybe he relapsed. I hope not.”

“Let me talk to him”, Mike said.

He didn’t hear Brad saying anything. Just the door closing behind him. He came out and saw Mike waiting for him. Phoenix. He sighed and asked him what he wanted. What’s going on? Nothing. He was just going through a hard time with his depression. Was he drinking? No. That was the truth. He hadn’t had a drink since he went to rehab.

“Mike, I love you and I know you’re looking out for me. I’m okay. I promise.”

“What happened today?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I told you. I lost track of time.”

“Don’t do it again. Brad will be on your ass.”

“I won’t. I’ll go to bed early tonight.”

Dude! Did you take too many pills? – Chester

I only took two then I cleaned my house. I should have set an alarm because I had way too much energy. I was just going and going and going. I almost blew it with Mike. He and Brad are watching me like hawks. I can’t fuck up again. – Phoenix

Holy shit! Dude! I’m coming over tonight! – Chester

When they got to his place, he looked around in shock. Did he take fucking meth? No. What the hell did he do? They went to his living room and sat down. He didn’t even think about what he was doing. It was just go, go, go. He had to do something because he was restless. His body had to move around. Then, he was going to take it in the bathroom but he heard Brad talking about him.

“I fucked up.”

“I don’t know, man”

They went up to his room. In the bathroom, he found a handheld mirror. After pouring the powder out, he separated it into lines. Chester walked out after giving him a dollar bill. This was his fault. He had his best friend addicted to drugs. After a few minutes, he came back and found him energized. He kissed him and took off his shirt.

Chester kissed him back and brought him to the bed. Brad and Mike talked to Rob. He reported that Chester was spending a lot of time with Phoenix. The last time he came home, it was late. He was almost like a teenager trying to sneak in. They thanked him and had him promise not to say anything. They were going to watch both him and Phoenix. He promised to pretend like he didn’t know anything. Thank you. Chester came back an hour later.

He was sober but pumped up. Rob was in the kitchen making dinner when he came in. What was he making? It was a veggie burger. Did he want to try it? No, thanks. He went to the refrigerator and looked for something to eat. For the rest of the night, they watched TV together while he prepared his evidence.

Talinda and her lawyer were demanding a lot from him for the divorce. He was never getting married again. Twice was enough. They were fighting over custody, spousal support, and whatever else she could get from him.

He closed the folder before leaning back and closing his eyes. Was he okay? If he continued looking at the papers, he would go insane. He told him not to get married. Rob joked he would need a girlfriend first. He was still young, so he had time. He thanked him for thinking about him. You are welcome.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia

[chicgeekgirl89]

Skateboards and Stickers and Stubborn Paramedics

Fandom: 911 Lone Star

Characters: T.K. Strand, Carlos Reyes, Nancy Gillian, Tommy Vega

Summary: When T.K. takes a spill at a skate park he's sure he's fine. Completely. Nothing broken at all. He's a paramedic. He checked. It turns out paramedics make pretty bad patients.

CW: Slight mentions of drug use and relapsing

A/N: This was supposed to just be a whumpy little fic and it...quickly got out of control. A thousand bazillion thanks to @bluenet13​ who beta'ed the crap out of it for me more times than she should have and put up with my incessant complaining about it. Without her, this fic would not have happened.

Written for the @badthingshappenbingo​ prompt “Broken Ribs.” 

AO3

                                  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Oof.”

It was a small noise, the only one that could escape T.K.’s lips as he flew through the air and crashed unceremoniously into the ground. Hard.

It should have been painful, but instead everything went immediately numb as the breath left his lungs and he lay there, completely stunned on the concrete. “Watch your back bro!” an unfamiliar voice called as the sound of wheels skated dangerously close to his head.

T.K. would have responded, but all that came out was a strained wheeze as his lungs tried to remember how to function. “Holy shit! T.K.! Hey are you okay?” 

Nancy came directly into his line of vision, eyes clouded with worry. “Uggghhh,” was all T.K. could manage, still trying desperately for breath, a hand going to his chest as if that would somehow help.

Nancy turned away, fire in her eyes as she yelled at someone nearby. “Dude what the hell? Didn’t you see him standing there?”

“Oh god,” T.K. croaked out, finally able to draw some air into his lungs. 

“Don’t move,” Nancy said, switching immediately from irate friend to paramedic. “That kid took you down hard. You must have flown eight feet.”

They’d taken a call at a skate park for a kid, Evan, with a knee injury. He was about fourteen and the injury wasn’t great, but it wasn’t critical either. T.K. had been packing things up to take back to the ambulance when someone had slammed into him from the side and sent him flying.

“I’m okay,” he grunted, trying to ease himself into a sitting position. He hissed as lightning shot through his ribs and seriously considered lying back down and staying there forever.

“Cap!” Nancy yelled, waving to get her attention before she turned back to T.K. “What hurts?”

“I’m fine,” T.K. said, even as his ribs and hip began to throb. He was going to have some spectacular bruises within the hour.

“Did you hit your head?”

“No,” T.K. exhaled slowly, trying to control the shockwaves of pain now radiating through his body. “I landed on my side. My skull is fully intact so you can skip the jokes about brain damage.”

“What happened?” Tommy asked, kneeling beside them.

“Some kid nearly killed T.K.,” Nancy said indignantly as she reached for T.K.’s wrist and began to take his pulse.

“It was an accident,” T.K. said, still trying to assess the damage and decide how badly he was hurt.

“Can you move your arms and legs?” Tommy asked.

T.K. did some sarcastic jazz hands. “Happy? Can we go now?”

“Just take a second to catch your breath and then we’ll get you up and check you out,” Tommy said, eyeing him critically. “You might not be feeling it yet, but I think you’re going to in about five minutes.”

“And while we’re waiting, I’m going to go murder that punk teenager,” Nancy announced, getting to her feet.

“Nancy,” Tommy said, a tone of exasperated warning in her voice.

“Cap he needs to at least apologize!”

“Just let him go,” T.K. said. “He’s a kid. It’s not a big deal.”

“You can barely even sit up right now. How is that not a big deal?”

“Nancy, why don’t you go wait with Evan in the rig?” Tommy suggested.

Nancy grumbled but did as she was told. T.K. sucked in another shallow breath and tried to gauge his pain. His ribs and hip throbbed and his elbow stung, but if he was completely still it was manageable. He had a feeling moving was going to hurt like a bitch though.

“Talk to me T.K.,” Tommy said.

“I’m good,” he lied immediately. “Just knocked the wind out of me, the rest is bumps and bruises.”

“Are you sure?” Tommy asked.

T.K. nodded. “Help me up?”

She took his elbow and helped him to his feet. The world went a little grey as pain stabbed at him, making him feel like he’d lost his breath all over again.

“You all right?” Tommy asked.

T.K. nodded, gritting his teeth and forcing himself to push through it. “Yeah, I’ll be okay. Ego’s bruised, that’s all.”

She gave him a knowing smile. “I think it might be a little more than that. Come on. They can check you out at the ER when we drop Evan off.”

T.K. nodded and slowly moved toward the ambulance. God, he was really going to feel this in the morning. “I’ll drive,” Tommy said, when she saw the direction he was heading.

“I’m fine,” he told her.

She rolled her eyes at him. “Get in the passenger side T.K. Relax for a minute.”

By the time they arrived at the hospital he had things under control. It was just pain, probably bruised ribs. He could manage pain. He did it all the time. There was no reason to worry Tommy, Nancy, or anybody else at the station. He was a paramedic after all; he was perfectly capable of assessing his own medical needs.

“Hey, Trina, can you take a look at T.K. here?” Tommy caught the eye of a passing nurse after they finished dropping Evan off. “He took a little tumble at the skate park.”

“Cap, I’m good,” T.K. insisted.

“You’re bleeding,” Nancy said around a mouthful of lollipop that she’d snagged from the nurse’s stand. 

T.K. twisted his elbow around to find that blood had dripped halfway down his arm. He hadn’t even noticed with all the other pain radiating through his body. “It’s not that bad.”

“If you’re good maybe they’ll give you a sticker,” Nancy teased, a sparkle in her eyes.

If they were at the firehouse T.K. would have given her the finger but instead he stuck his tongue out as Trina led him to a curtained off bed.

“I don’t need an exam,” T.K. told her. “Just throw me a bandaid and I’ll be good to go.”

“You’re already here,” Trina told him with as she reached for some antiseptic. “You may as well let me clean it out.”

T.K. rolled his eyes but let her flush out the relatively minor wound and cover it up with gauze and tape. “Anything else hurting?” she asked.

“I’m sore, but I’ll live,” T.K. told her, even as his ribs continued to burn like hell. It didn’t matter whether they were broken or not anyway, he told himself. The only thing that would heal them was time, and either way it wasn’t like he was going to take any narcotics.

Trina eyed him warily. “You’re sure? I don’t want Tommy coming for my head because I let one of her people go home hurt.”

T.K. flashed her a charming smile. “I promise. I’ll grab some ice at the firehouse and be good to go.”

“Okay, well, feel better,” she said as she started cleaning up.

“What’s the report?” Tommy asked when he reappeared.

“Everything’s intact,” T.K. said. He was pretty sure anyway. He wouldn’t be fully sure until he got back to the firehouse and took a look for himself, but really, he’d fallen over, not been pushed off a twelve story building. How much damage could one rowdy teenager really do?

“Are you sure?” Nancy asked, eyeing him critically. “You’re not twenty-one anymore dude, people your age don’t just bounce back from that kind of accident.”

“Nancy, you are two years older than me,” T.K. said, giving her a withering look.

“Mmmm true, which is why I had the wisdom not to let a punk ass kid at the skate park run my ass over,” she pointed out. 

“All right children,” Tommy said with a smile. “If we’re all set here, let’s get back into service. Lot of lives out there that need saving.”

By the time they rolled back up the firehouse, T.K. was really looking forward to an icepack. His ribs throbbed in time with his heartbeat and all he wanted was to lie down and relax. 

“Y’all were gone a while,” Paul said as they entered the kitchen.

“T.K. got creamed by a kid on a skateboard,” Nancy said immediately.

“Nance, seriously?” T.K. asked, reaching for a bag of frozen peas in the freezer.

She shrugged. “What? They were going to find out anyway. It’ll probably end up on Youtube.”

“A kid on a skateboard? Are you okay?” Marjan asked.

“Yes, I’m fine,” T.K. said. “Glad somebody cares,” he shot a pointed look at Nancy who pretended not to see.

“He flew like twelve feet,” she told the group.

“Earlier you said it was eight,” T.K. reminded her.

“Damn,” Mateo said. “That’ll probably go viral. You’re gonna have competition Marj.”

“Thank you all so much for your concern,” T.K. said, giving them a mock salute with the peas. “If anybody needs me I’ll be on the couch.”

He took a brief detour into the bathroom, checking to make sure it was empty before he locked the door for privacy. He set his jaw and untucked his shirt from his pants quickly undoing his uniform buttons and then pulling up the t-shirt underneath. He grimaced as he took in the bruising already trailing down his side. Biting his lip and steeling himself he slowly and painfully pressed his fingers against his rib cage, letting out a pained moan even as he forced himself to continue his examination. 

By the time he was done his hands were shaking, but he hadn’t felt anything grating or moving, so it was likely this was just terrible bruising, not broken ribs. Not that it mattered either way, they still sent stabbing pains through him with every breath. 

It was an incredible relief to finally collapse into the couch and press the cold vegetables against his torso, but it didn’t last long. Within half an hour they were back out, the entire 126 this time, to respond to a motor vehicle accident. 

Things were going fine until they went to lift the gurney into the rig. “On three,” T.K. told Nancy. “One, two, three.”

T.K. lifted, but the gurney didn’t budge. Normally that would have been a minor annoyance. But today it was enough to almost send him to his knees as his ribs angrily protested the unexpected movement with a crescendo of pain. He made a half choked sound, just barely stopping himself from swearing or dropping the gurney completely.

“Whoa, hey!” their patient, Mr. Randall, protested, grabbing the sides as Nancy’s end went up, while T.K.’s stayed down.

“Sorry,” T.K. panted an apology, trying not to whimper or cry as pain continued to tear through him.

“You okay Strand?” Nancy asked lowering her end of the gurney so their victim wasn’t completely reclined.

“Yeah. Gurney’s stuck again.” T.K. ground his teeth together, sweat beading on his forehead as he inhaled slowly through his nose, trying not to breathe too deeply and cause himself further pain.

“I thought they fixed it after last shift,” Nancy said.

It had been sticky for the last few weeks and they’d finally gotten a tech out during B shift. “Apparently not,” he said. 

“Here switch with me and I’ll try it,” Nancy told him. “It likes me better anyway. I have a delicate touch,” she told their victim with a wink.

“Can you just get me in?” Mr. Randall asked, holding a bloody piece of gauze to his forehead and clearly not amused by the situation at all. 

“Not a problem,” Nancy said, switching spots with T.K. “On my count this time.”

Their second attempt went much more smoothly and they got Mr. Randall in without further issue. “Hey,” Nancy caught T.K.’s arm as he moved to head for the driver’s seat. “You sure you’re all right? You look really pale all of a sudden.”

“I’m good.

She did not look convinced. “You’re breathing weird and moving like you’re eighty.”

“Again with the age stuff?”

“T.K. I’m serious, are you okay? That was a hard hit this morning, if you need the rest of shift off, you know Cap’ll—“

“Nancy, I swear to you I’m fine,” he said, throwing on a well practiced, convincing smile. “Probably pulled something this morning, but I’ll live.”

She shook her head and climbed into the ambulance. “I told you Strand. You’re not a young man anymore.”

“Haha,” T.K. groused as he moved to the driver’s side. 

“You want me to mix up your Metamucil when we get back to the firehouse?”

T.K. ignored her and slowly put on his seatbelt, grimacing as the tight band pressed against his ribcage. What had been tolerably painful before had now ratcheted up to the point that he thought he might actually throw up. He leaned his head against the seat back and exhaled slowly, trying to relieve some of the agonizing pressure in his chest.

The side door opened and Tommy hopped in. “Ready to roll?” she asked.

“You sure you want Grandpa to drive Cap?” Nancy called loudly. “He might not get us there very fast!”

“Two years Nancy!” T.K. snapped back as he started the engine.

By the time the shift ended his entire body ached and his ribs were screaming at him. Arriving home all he could think about was falling into bed and sleeping some of it off. Carlos wouldn’t be back until late and typically T.K. would have waited up, but tonight he only managed to eat a few bites of leftovers, shower, and then essentially crawl, pathetically and painfully, into bed.

He was woken two hours later by a soft kiss on his lips. “Hey,” Carlos said quietly, caressing his face. He was still in his uniform, the fabric brushing against T.K.’s arm as he leaned in closer.

“Hi,” T.K. mumbled, body still heavy with sleep. 

“Hey,” Carlos whispered again, voice low in his ear, kisses trailing down his neck, nuzzling his nose against T.K.’s collarbone. “I missed you today.”

“I missed you too,” T.K. said, brain trying to remember why he’d been asleep and why everything ached so badly.

“How much?” Carlos asked, a sexy smile spreading across his face, and even in his hazy, pained state, T.K. wanted him. So when his mouth captured T.K.’s in a deep, needy kiss, T.K. kissed him right back.

Until Carlos’ hands slid under his t-shirt. T.K. pulled away with a ragged gasp, curling in on himself, a half strangled moan escaping his lips. Right. Ribs. 

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Carlos asked, hovering over him, frozen in concern, clearly horrified that he’d somehow broken his boyfriend. 

“It’s fine,” T.K. managed. “I’m fine.”

“No you’re not,” Carlos said, reaching over and turning on the lamp. “Did I hurt you? I barely touched you.”

“Ah, there was a little accident at work today,” T.K. said, his voice strained.

“An accident?” Carlos cocked his head questioningly. “What kind of accident?”

“Some kid knocked me over at the skate park,” T.K. said, still trying to breathe normally, even as tears pricked at his eyes. “It’s no big deal.”

“If you’re in pain it’s a big deal,” Carlos told him. “Why didn’t you tell me? Did anyone look at you?”

“Carlos,” T.K. caught his face in both hands and forced a smile. “I’m telling you, it’s fine. I’m just sore. You don’t need to freak out.”

“I’m not freaking out,” Carlos said calmly. “I’m trying to decide if you’re downplaying this because you don’t like to be coddled when you’re hurt.”

“Oh that’s—“

“The exact truth and you know it. You got shot and a week later you were pulling people out of a burning bus. And after the head injury you tried to go back to work two days later and almost passed out in the bathroom,” Carlos reminded him. “Let me see.”

T.K. let go of Carlos’ face and dropped his hands to the bed with an overdramatic thump. “For the record this is very not sexy,” he said as Carlos reached for the hem of his t-shirt.

Carlos paused and fixed him with a look. “What’s not sexy is you being hurt and not saying anything.”

“Well it’s not like you really gave me a chance, just barging in here and having your way with me.”

“Texting exists for a reason. You could have told me hours ago and I wouldn’t have come in here like that.” Carlos said. He pulled T.K.’s t-shirt gently up over his ribs, eyes widening. “Oh my god.” 

Purple bruising covered his entire side, extending down his hip below the line of his boxers. T.K. raised his head a bit and squinted at his torso. “It’s just some bruised ribs.”

“T.K. there is no way these are just bruised,” Carlos said, face gravely concerned.

“Hey, who’s the paramedic here?”

“I have had bruised ribs, this looks…really bad. Nobody looked at this?”

“I examined myself.”

“God, T.K.” Carlos sat back with a sigh. “Sometimes I swear…”

He slipped off the bed and walked toward the door. “Where are you going?” T.K. asked.

“To get you ice.”

“I don’t need—“

“Uh uh, don’t even talk to me right now. You’re lucky all I’m doing is getting you ice and not dragging you to the emergency room.”

“Okay, but then we’ll finish what you started?” T.K. asked hopefully

Carlos turned around and glared at him. “Are you out of your mind? You really think you can have sex like this? Absolutely not T.K., I’m sleeping on the couch so I don’t accidentally hurt you in the night.”

“What? No, Carlos come on!” T.K. tried to sit up, but pain shot through him at the sudden movement and he let out a grunt, a hand going instinctively to his side.

“Stop moving before you puncture a lung or something,” Carlos ordered in exasperation, but instead of leaving he returned to the bed, worry all over his face. “Hey look at me, I need you to be honest, do we need to go to the hospital?” 

T.K. shook his head. “It’s not that bad.”

“You sound like you can’t breathe.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because it hurts, not because I’m incapable,” T.K. huffed. “This not life threatening, I promise.”

“T.K. why didn’t you say anything earlier?” Carlos asked. “You were in a firehouse full of people perfectly capable of helping you.”

T.K. would have squirmed under the intensity of his gaze if he’d been able to move without agony. “I didn’t think it was that bad. And I didn’t want anyone to worry.”

Carlos shook his head, but let the matter drop; although T.K. had a feeling they would be finishing this conversation at a later date. “What do you need? Did you take anything?” he asked.

T.K. shook his head. “Just some ice.”

Carlos hesitated. “I think you should take some Advil.”

T.K. shook his head automatically. “You know I—“

“I know you don’t like to. And I get it. But you look like a mess and Advil will help with the swelling. You’ve done it before and been all right. And I know,” Carlos said quickly, “that that doesn’t guarantee anything. I’m not going to force you. But you don’t deserve to be in pain like this. And we need to do something to help that inflammation.”

He was right, and T.K. knew it, he just didn’t like it. He’d taken OTC pain meds plenty of times with no issues, but that didn’t stop the whispers of anxiety that told him any pills at all were a very slippery slope downward to a life he no longer wanted. 

Carlos kissed his forehead. “Think about it while I’m downstairs.”

His boyfriend returned quickly, ice in hand along with a bottle of ibuprofen and a glass of water. T.K. winced and closed his eyes as Carlos gently pressed the ice to his ribs. “Okay?” Carlos asked.

T.K. nodded. 

“Did you think about the Advil?” 

“I don’t want it,” he said stubbornly. He’d made it through a significant head injury without, some ribs were definitely not worth the minor risk.

Carlos reached for his hand. “Do you trust me?”

T.K. opened his eyes and frowned. “Yes, of course I trust you.”

“Do you trust that if I’m asking you to do this, it’s because I think it’s the best choice? That I think it’s medically necessary and appropriate?”

“I trust you,” he said honestly. “I just don’t know if I can trust me.”

Because that was the crux of it. Carlos was too good of a human to leave him if he should relapse, and T.K. was bad enough to ask him to stay. He was clean now and had no plans of changing that, but he’d seen others backslide faster than he could have imagined, people far stronger than him. And he was scared that if he did, he wouldn’t be strong enough to walk away from Carlos and save them both the heartache. Moments like this thrust the razor’s edge he walked into sharper clarity than he liked. And that was a big part of why he preferred to deal with his pain on his own. Because then the only person he could hurt was himself.

Carlos cupped his face in his free hand. “Well I trust you. And I won’t push you.” His eyes grew firm. “But I can’t sit here all night worrying about you. So if you don’t want them, then we’re going to the hospital.”

Wow, things really weren’t going his way tonight. “I don’t need a hospital!”

“I know you don’t think you do. But those are the options that I can live with. Ibuprofen or hospital.”

T.K. huffed in annoyance. “I’ll take them if you stay with me tonight.”

Carlos raised his eyebrows. “You’re resorting to extortion?”

“That’s what you’re doing!”

“No,” Carlos shook his head. “I’m intervening in a serious health matter. You can’t be trusted with your own safety. It’s totally different.”

“It doesn’t feel different,” T.K. grumbled, cranky from the pain and anxiety bubbling in his stomach.

Carlos held up the bottle. “If you’re going to take these I want it to be because you feel okay doing it. You don’t need to bribe me. That may have been how your relationships worked before, but not us. I’ll stay because you asked.” He ran a thumb over T.K.’s cheek. “I’ll do anything you ask.”

He’d carried so much of his pain on his own for so much of his life, he’d forgotten what it was like to share it with someone else. Actually, he wasn’t sure he’d ever really shared it with anyone else. His dad was too fragile despite his firefighter bravado, his mom too busy, and previous boyfriends had never been…well they had never been like Carlos. 

He knew he could trust his mental and physical safety to Carlos. His boyfriend had proven time and time again that he was a good person, a person who loved him and only wanted the best for him. Trusting Carlos was easy. It was feeling worthy of Carlos’ trust in him that was the problem.

“Talk to me T.K.,” Carlos said softly.

“I don’t ever want to do anything to hurt you,” T.K. said. “And I know that these pills are not a big deal. I took stronger stuff when I was shot and came out of it all right. My therapist and I have talked about it a lot. It’s just…they’re a reminder of what I could lose if I—if I mess up.”

“You are not going to lose me,” Carlos told him. “You won’t.”

“Carlos you don’t know what it’s like—”

“My love for you is not contingent on whether or not you stay clean,” Carlos said firmly. “My love for you just…is. It’s there. You have it. Forever.”

Tears pricked at T.K.’s eyes. “God you are…such a hopeless romantic.”

Carlos smiled. “You knew that already.”

T.K. bit his lip. “I didn’t mean to make this into such a big deal.”

“It’s okay,” Carlos said, cracking a smile. “I know you’re a little bit of a drama queen.”

T.K. shot him a look. “I am not.”

Carlos wrinkled his nose and held up his thumb and first finger about half an inch apart from each other.

“Fine,” T.K. sighed. “A little bit.” He hesitated for a second and then took the pill bottle from Carlos, shaking two into his palm. “I really don’t want to go to the hospital. And I really don’t want you to sleep on the couch.”

Carlos shifted in the bed so he was lying next to T.K., propping himself up on his elbow. “Then I’ll stay.”

It helped to have Carlos sitting beside him, telling him about a call they’d gone on so that he barely even noticed when he swallowed the pills. He fell asleep to the soothing sound of Carlos’ voice, his fingers stroking gently through T.K.’s hair.

If he’d hoped to feel better in the morning he was sorely disappointed. He could barely get out of bed without help, let alone take a shower, or get dressed by himself. With a little bit of sweet talk Carlos managed to get him a doctor’s appointment before noon, despite T.K.’s continued insistence that it wasn’t necessary. “It doesn’t matter,” T.K. was still protesting as they pulled into the parking lot. “Either way, the treatment will be the same.”

“It absolutely does matter because if they’re bruised you can go back to work and if they’re broken I’m not letting you out of the house again for the rest of your life,” Carlos told him.

It turned out x-rays were much more revealing than a self exam in the firehouse bathroom. He had two hairline fractures, one in his sixth and one in his seventh rib. Not life threatening, but enough to cause a crapload of pain. He was sent home with a prescription for the strongest, non-narcotic pain reliever they could prescribe and a cautionary tale about deep breaths and pneumonia. 

“You can’t be mad at me, this wasn’t my fault!” T.K. said as he sank blissfully into the couch on their arrival home. Being poked and prodded had aggravated his injuries and he was so sore that all he wanted was to lie on the couch in complete stillness.

“I’m not mad, just concerned,” Carlos said calmly as he retrieved several ice packs from the freezer.

“Well your mad face and your concerned face look really similar. It’s confusing.”

Carlos handed him the ice packs and then bent over to kiss his forehead. “I’m not mad. I promise. I just wish you’d be a little more concerned about your own health and safety.”

“Again, not my fault. I did not ask a Zoomer to run me over. What are you doing?” he asked as Carlos reached for his phone.

“Texting your dad to ask him about natural methods of pain relief because I know you’re not going to let me fill that prescription.”

T.K. shifted on the couch. “You’re telling on me to my dad?”

“He’s going to find out anyway because you’re on light duty for the foreseeable future. Besides, Nancy already knows.”

“What? How?”

“She started texting me this morning to make sure you were okay. She said, ‘He said he was all right but I’m pretty sure he was lying his ass off so make sure he’s not bleeding out or something.’ I told her I was taking you to get checked out.”

T.K. let his head fall back against the couch. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“She also said that she’s giving you a full exam the next time you get so much as a paper cut. And something about taking your sticker back for lying?” Carlos looked puzzled. “I don’t know what that part means.”

“It’s just Nancy being Nancy,” T.K. said with a roll of his eyes. 

Carlos seemed to sense T.K.’s unhappiness. “Nancy and Tommy will be fine without you for a few days. And it’s not like you can’t go to work at all. I’m sure Tommy has plenty of paperwork for you to catch up on.”

“I hate paperwork,” T.K. grumbled.

“There’s an easy solution to that,” Carlos said, settling next to him on the couch, careful not to jostle his aching body. He pressed a kiss to T.K.’s temple. “Stop getting hurt.”

[theworldsoul]

Do you ever feel like you deserve better? Like you've been cheated of what everyone else seems to have so effortlessly, like you've been cheated of actually being cared for and loved?

You can't yell at me. You literally can't, or I will freak the fuck out. They KNOW this and they still do it, plus they have the audacity to get mad at me for getting mad at them??? Holy shit dude have you learned nothing about me??? what I NEED is gentleness.

I hope one day you feel guilty about this. Cos I held back but now that I'm in my room I'm crying. I THOUGHT maybe you were starting to learn how to deal with me, I THOUGHT maybe things were getting better and maybe you would stop making me feel like a fucking child.

But no.

Everything good in my life just gets fuckinf ruined. I'm so tired of imagining fictional characters comforting me. Im so fucking tired.

I think that... I think that child me deserved better than choking back tears frozen in place, and i think current me deserves better than reliving that shit.

I think that you guys fucked up... a lot.

But also,,, I fucked up. I was born fucked up and you guys act like children... so of course things were gonna turn out shit.

I was so stupid for thinking things could EVER get better between us.

At the end of the day, no matter how nice or mean you were throughout said day, I just know that if I were to tell you hey, I need help, hey, I relapsed, hey, my girlfriend broke up with me.... you would NOT be there to support me. In fact, I'm TOO AFRAID to come to you with anything. Notice how I never tell you how I feel? Notice how you STILL think I've never had an S/O even though I'm fifteen?? Notice how you don't know much about my interests, my hobbies, I wrote entire BOOKS and was afraid to show you.

Jesus. Christ.

And yknow what? I'm gonna try and recover, I'm gonna try and stop self harming, because I DESERVE to finally recover, I deserve to be happy and I deserve to heal and never think about any of it ever again. I'm gonna get better because FUCK YOU and fuck them and fuck everything that's every happened to me because HOLY SHIT, there is not one child in this world who deserves to be born with all the issues I was born with, who deserves to go through life having NOBODY understand, who deserves to be afraid.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

I started by throwing away YOUR god. Now? Now I just need to throw away all the memories.

Like wow I'm sorry for being a human being who needs to be treated with some fucking care and consideration for my feelings??? Sorry for having feelings??? Sorry for being fucked up after I was forced into silence my ENTIRE LIFE???

When you first found out I had relapsed I biked away from home and I seriously considered biking out of the city and never coming back. I was having a breakdown, I was crying and I kicked my bike down into the grass and sat in the grass and cried hysterically and tried to convince myself not to leave. Tried to think of reasons to keep living my life with you in it.

Think about that for a moment.

And then in therapy... the therapist assumed it was just something I did as a kid to be "uwuw quirky". That hurt. A lot. But I let her minimize it. I let her tuck it into a little box and ignore it. Because honestly? I didn't want to go through the whole ordeal that happens every single time I mention it.

Fuck, no wonder it's so hard to get clean and STAY clean. And I think about it a lot too.

Just... I'm gonna try my best. I'm gonna really try. Because I deserve it, I think. I deserve something nice.

[johannesviii]

Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2009

20 to 21 years old. And so the 2000s end, not with a whimper, but with an explosion of upbeat, great pop songs.

Only one third of these lists left to make!

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

First to second and final year of my Master degree in Contemporary History. Also got two summer jobs that year. I was basically only researching and writing my master thesis at this point and trying to survive on a 50€ per month budget to pay for transport, clothes, driving lessons, and food apart from one meal a day. Needless to say, some corners had to be cut and my health wasn’t the best. I was also trying to register to pass some concours d’Etat to be a government worker considering there was 0% chance I’d be able to find a job otherwise with my qualifications and my mother had been trying to find an excuse to throw me out for more than four years at this point. Basically I was broke, stressed out and in panic mode.

Thank god, the music was mostly energetic and upbeat on the radio. I can’t imagine what my mood would have been like if the charts had been as horribly depressed as in 2018 or 2019.

This was also the year when my favorite music reviewer ever, Todd In The Shadows, started to make his first videos, so you might think his lists are going to influence mine, but as it turns out we have very, very different tastes for the most part (I mean come on, the guy hates Depeche Mode), so... not so much. But he helped me discover a lot of songs I would have ignored otherwise, so yeah, godspeed, Todd.

It should be mentioned that the two songs that I wanted to put at the top of this list before looking at the actual year-end lists turned out to be non-elligible and that is extremely frustrating. Obviously, as I mentioned in the previous post, there’s Life In Technicolor II by Coldplay, which has an incredibly fitting name since it’s one of their most colorful songs ever. But I’m not even sure I would have put it at #1 since this was the year of Mika’s second album, and oh my god, We Are Golden was FANTASTIC. It’s my absolute favorite song from the guy, the music video is incredibly fun, and I listened to that shit on a loop as soon as it dropped.

I usually don’t put such large links for non-elligible songs but the fact this isn’t elligible is nothing short of criminal. Check it out if you’ve never heard it.

As for albums from bands I liked... eh. Lacuna Coil dropped Shallow Life, which was not as good as KarmaCode, Pet Shop Boys dropped Yes which wasn’t nearly as good as Fundamental, Depeche Mode dropped Sounds of the Universe which was DEFINITELY not as good as Playing the Angel (I liked Wrong, though. But it’s not elligible), Eminem released Relapse which was joyless and pretty bad and he was kinda dead to me at that point (even if it wasn’t as terrible as Encore AND he had that song with Drake that was very good), Placebo released Battle for the Sun which was pretty great but still not as good as their previous two albums, Paradise Lost had Faith Divides Us Faith Unites Us and basically same thing there, and Indochine had La République des Météors which is imho their worst record in the past twenty years, by far.

Long story short, every single one of the bands and artists I loved who released an album that year let me down (except Placebo, maybe).

And then VNV Nation released Of Faith, Power And Glory, I listened to it, and suddenly I had a new favorite band, and everything was good and beautiful in the world again. Album of the year for me, hands down.

With that out of the way, a few honorable mentio-HOLY SHIT HOW MANY OF THESE ARE THERE, WTF

Replay (Iyaz) - A perfectly good and innocent little earworm.

Run This Town (Rihanna) - I don’t like the original very much (Kanye’s verse is atrocious) but I've had a mashup of it with Bach’s Tocatta & Fugue in D minor (yes you read that right) on my mp3 player for years now, so this has to count. The mashup is called Run This Town In D Minor. It’s one of my favorite mashups ever. I even made fanart of it once! Look it up if you can, the original video has apparently disappeared.

Circus (Britney Spears) - You know it’s a good year for pop when even Britney Spears makes music I like.

Magnificent (U2) - Wait, even U2 was making decent music? I had zero use for them since at that point Linkin Park had more or less taken over their ecological-musical niche of “mainstream epic-sounding pop-rock music with tortured vocals and Emotions(tm)” but that one was still kinda nice.

Même Pas Fatigué (Magic System & Khaled) - I’ve said that before and I’ll say it again but they always bring a smile to my face and I don’t get why it’s ‘cool’ to hate their songs in my country. Yeah, they often sound the same, but I’d listen to ten similar-sounding Magic System songs in a heartbeat whereas you’d have to pay me to listen to ten similar-sounding Nickelback songs.

Day n Nite (Kid Cudi) - This had a tendency to get stuck in my head, but not at all in an unpleasant way.

21 Guns (Green Day) - Much better than I remembered.

When Love Takes Over (David Guetta), Stereo Love (Edward Maya ft Vika Jigulina), Evacuate the Dancefloor (Cascada) - That year was full of catchy, stupid, energetic songs, wasn’t it?

Greenlight (John Legend) - If I had better taste, this would be on the list. Alas, you’re reading the top 10s of someone who once put Blue (Eiffel 65) in a #1 spot, so yeah.

In Your Hands (Charlie Winston) - Same thing, basically.

Like a Hobo (Charlie Winston) - “Like a hobo from a broken home, nothing’s gonna stop me”, said this very useful song. Now is a good time to remind you that my nickname at the public university was The Hobo. So yeah. I liked this song a lot and I still do.

Forever (Drake) - Drake and Eminem are both amazing on this track. Unfortunately there’s also Kanye West and Lil Wayne on it. But. Like. “I'm Hannibal Lecter so just in case you're thinking of saving face / You ain't gonna have no face to save”. Dude. Duuuuuude.

You Found Me & Never Say Never (The Fray) - Did I mention I really, really liked this band. I think I did. Several times.

Paparazzi & Love Game (Lady Gaga) - Would both have had a chance to land on the list without the incredible amount of great, catchy tunes that year had to offer.

C’est Dans l’Air (Mylène Farmer) - Mylène Farmer had THREE singles on the French year-end list and this is the ONLY one I like. Good electro, mediocre verses but a great chorus (and a weird and kind of hilarious music video). Basically a song saying we’re all going to die and she can only sing about it. It’s strange, it’s a bit dark in a fun way, but it’s sadly not enough to land on the list, and it was the last cut from it.

Phew. Making this list was like a Hunger Games of catchy, upbeat, stupid songs to find which one was the best. It’s not #1 but I’m still shocked I had to put it so high.

But first, the runner ups.

10 - Fire Burning (Sean Kingston)

US: #33 / FR: Not on the list

Yes, ALL these honorable mentions were kicked out to give the last spot on the list to this guy and a chorus that goes “somebody call 911, shawty fire burning on the dance floor, WOAH!”.

The fact that I don’t feel bad about it means this was the right pick for that spot.

9 - Rain (Mika)

US: Not on the list / FR: #22

Anybody else thinks Mika looks like the Fourth Doctor on this screenshot from the music video or is it just me?

Anyway. So yeah, as I said, We Are Golden would have topped this list if it had been elligible. Sadly, it isn’t, but Rain is. I don’t like it nearly as much as We Are Golden, but what can I say. It’s still Mika. I’ll take whatever I can.

8 - I Gotta Feeling (Black Eyed Peas)

US: #4 / FR: #17

I lost about 80% of the respect I had for this song the day I realised its untouchable, marvellous beat was very probably stolen from Take a Dive. I still love it though. Had a few actual parties in 2010 and early 2011 and this was garanteed to make everyone dance, even people like me who don’t know how to dance.

And then the dancefloor died instantly anytime anyone tried to put Boom Boom Pow on because it’s impossible to dance on that one. But that’s another story.

7 - Poker Face (Lady Gaga)

US: #2 / FR: #5

Needless to say this was absolutely everywhere and overplayed to death and beyond, and the fact I still wanted to listen to it and put it on my playlists really tells you how good I thought it was (and still is).

6 - Ça m’énerve (Helmut Fritz)

US: Not on the list / FR: #1 (...yes.)

This is a novelty song with a singer pretending to have a thick German accent, complaining about various things in France, like the fact he doesn’t fit the dress code for a club, that he wanted to buy a sweater with “Rock” written on it but it’s out of stock, that some girls can fit in a size 34 blue jean and not him, that there’s a queue of people trying to buy macarons at the Ladurée shop, and so on. And every time he concludes “that gets on my nerves”, said in a very flat tone. Here’s a translation.

It was overplayed as f█ck here. Think Despacito levels of overplay. But the beat is great and it’s still hysterical after having heard it about a hundred times that year.

Fun fact, while I was making this list and relistening to this song, my s.o said “haha that sounds great! What is it?” and I stared at him in disbelief. Somehow, he was completely serious. That’s like someone escaping the Great Macarena Onslaught Of 1996. What happened. How.

5 - Waking Up In Vegas (Katy Perry)

US: #36 / FR: Not on the list

Again, I must remind you that my s.o is a Katy Perry fan and that I’ve heard this song even more than the average radio listener did at the time, and it’s STILL #5 on this list. What can I say. It’s a ton of fun and one of my favorite songs from her.

4 - New Divide (Linkin Park)

US: #61 / FR: Not on the list

Is this their best song? Not by a f█cking mile. I thought it would be much lower when I started to make this specific list, but what can I say. Linkin Park is like that one old friend that you kept no contact with for years, and once you meet them again, it’s like they never left. Who cares if that wasn’t nearly as good as Numb or In the End? Not me, that’s for sure.

Also, “In every loss in every lie / In every truth that you deny / And each regret and each goodbye / Was a mistake too great to hide / And your voice was all I heard / That I get what I deserve”. Holy shit, dude.

3 - Good Girls Go Bad (Cobra Starship)

US: #43 / FR: Not on the list

BEHOLD. THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF THE 2009 ‘CATCHY UPBEAT STUPID SONGS’ HUNGER GAMES. THE CATCHIEST, UPBEAT-IEST, STUPIDEST OF THEM ALL. HERE IT IS AT LAST.

The thing I love about this is that it’s a song made by nerds for nerds and that the singer looks and sounds completely non-threatening. As Todd said in his own list back in the day, “that guy couldn’t make good MILK go bad” and that’s what’s so endearing about the song, I think.

Also yes, this is, in fact, placed above Linkin Park.

2 - Use Somebody (Kings of Leon)

US: #14 / FR: Not on the list

This was my #1 at first. I LOVED it. I even bought the album, even though, as you know, my funds were very low that year. That music is soaring. It’s majestic. Well, the lyrics aren’t that majestic and soaring, it’s about loving someone and trying to catch their attention, but the rest? Damn this is intense. It was also elligible for the 2010 list, by the way, where I ALSO wondered if it should be #1, but in both cases, it wasn’t meant to be.

And so this list of 2009 hit songs comes to a close.

It began with the forging of the Great 2009 Upbeat Songs. Three were given to the Punk Rock hits. Seven to the Dance Tracks. And nine, nine songs were gifted to the Radio Friendly Pop Songs, which above all else desired power.

But they were all deceived, for another song was made. Deep in the forgotten land of Synth Pop, in his Parents’ Basement, the Dark Lord Adam Young forged a master song, and into this song he poured his joy, his talent and his will to dominate all charts.

One song to rule them all.

1 - Fireflies (Owl City)

US: #60 / FR: Not on the list (76 the next year)

I know. It’s a meme nowadays. But still. Have you any idea how satisfying a song with an initial beat that looks like small pulsing yellow and blue lights in the dark ACTUALLY titled “Fireflies” is? How gentle it all sounds and looks, even when the music soars? The number of drawings and paintings I made just based on the colors of THAT song? It’s like a synth pop version of one of my favorite Mike Oldfield tunes ever, Weightless.

And then, on top of all the rest, how relatable was that guy’s body language and general attitude?? Before even knowing he was on the spectrum I was like “oh BIG mood.”

Also following his twitter was one of the best decisions I ever made.

So yeah. I would have loved to put Coldplay or Mika in that #1 spot, but I’m not too mad about it thanks to this wonderful little song and its author. Such a shame Deer in the Headlights and Alligator Sky aren’t elligible for the 2011 list.

Next up: Johannes finally moves out and finds a great job and starts living a little, plus here’s a #1 that will be difficult to justify

[mystery-salad]

7, 13, 20 and 22 from the angst questions for all of your characters (cause i'm selfish uwu and want to know /all/ lmao i am so sorry)

Oh my god HOLY SHIT i have THIRTY EIGHT character slots,,,,,,you will get all the ones that are intended to be permanent characters which is 34 of them I hope you’re ready for a long-ass post man cause that’s 136 answers

7. If your character was allowed to murder one person without any consequences, who would it be and why?

Taomesin: They already have killed those they want to, the people they’re meant to fight! Big enemies. They don’t really go killing randomly and wouldn’t see a point.

Nixxte: High-ranking inquest, someone who’s death would completely destabilise the inquest system for a while.

Tirs: Envert. The two have some history.

Mint: No one! They’re perfectly happy and know that Azin will protect them from anyone and anything! Azin is all they need and they would never dream of killing anyone! They already cause enough trouble with all their ptsd.

Bodacc: If she could, whoever is the reason she was abandoned as a baby. She doesn’t know who it was, if her parents are alive or dead. She loves the warband that raised her but she truly regrets not getting to immerse herself in asuran society growing up.

Mango: No one in particular, though probably a childhood rival or two.

Imekaari: Braith. But Cue did that, so anyone else from Lace’s past that hurt them.

Tojoll: Rytlock

Elaphurus: No one! Baby angel is so sweet they just want to help and protect!!!

Aqun: Maric, he’s more than earned it in her eyes.

Tvelle: She’d like to have killed Scarlet herself.

Whomstdve: No one she’s chill

Laighe: Illiadde, the two have some very antagonistic history between them.

Ennreck: He’d certainly like Kralk to Cut That Shit Out

Aezlin: He already gets to do this! If someone bugs him he can just tell Oriphio who will take care of them~

Vellask: She doesn’t have anyone in particular she’d kill. The spores would like to kill everyone if they could though.

Terizzi: They’ve killed those they needed to, now they just want to live alone in peace. They’d run from or kill anyone who’d approach them now if that counts.

Strair: They would go after Faolain, or whoever leads the court now. The court has just caused too many inconveniences to them tbh.

Kvold: He’d kill Affa, Lace’s employee that first ‘rescued’ him from the court. That dude rubs him the wrong way for several reasons.

Embrant: She would’ve killed Kvold after he broke Wrelia for a while.

Rieft: Whoever’s hurt Veirett. She loves her old mentor and wants her to truly be happy.

Illiadde: She already does kill everyone my dude

Cue: He’s already killed the man he hates most, Braith!

Odollumn: She doesn’t care enough about anyone to genuinely want anyone dead of her own motivations.

Regniette: They would take out the idiots who are still trying to follow Joko even though he’s dead.

Nimue: He doesn’t wish death upon anyone

Ezra: An employer or two. She’s hoping one day she’ll get contracts put on them that she can act on too!

Fhariem: Faolain and whoever her successor is, for taking the Court in such a pitiful direction over time.

Envert: Those idiot cowards who kicked her out of the Grove just for being curious about some more interesting experiment ideas. Come on, some bloodshed is necessary for the really good questions!!!

Cherie: He will befriend everyone instead!!!!

Fuilliome: A fellow mercenary who’s taken his jobs and targets a little too personally. It’s just a job man, and you’re inconveniencing him now with your unprofessionalism.

Renee: Half the nobles on earth. If you’ve met one you’ve met them all and they rarely actually aid in saving the world instead of just whining dramatically about it.

Tenor: She already kills those she wants to, though she’d love to get ahold of Lace herself. If only she could get Cue out of the way so she wouldn’t have to worry about dying…

Jioro: Queen Jenna, she has it coming for using sketchy technology to make guards that can be hacked TWICE!!!

13. What does it take to make your character cry?

Taomesin: They have never cried in their life!!! They’re emotionally numb!!!!!!!

Nixxte: Just average stuff, extremely sad moments, losing a loved one, etc…

Tirs: Memories of Envert

Mint: Memories of when they were captured by pirates, the thought that they will never be welcome in the Grove again, the thought that most people would hurt them, Whenever they hurt or disappoint Azin, ptsd flashbacks or relapses.

Bodacc: Whenever she tries to interact with other asuras and usually gets rebuffed for being so unusual

Mango: Average things, sad moments and deaths of loved ones

Imekaari: Friends in pain, that time he was tortured by Lace when they were mordrem, average sad things, he happy cries too if he’s overly happy c:

Tojoll: She will angry cry if something has gone wrong enough, and will be absolutely inconsolable for a while if a loved one dies.

Elaphurus: They cry when scared, which happened a lot when they first awoke in the Maguuma jungle.

Aqun: It takes a Lot, she’s very very emotionally level and good at keeping things in perspective. If anything were to happen to Roanna, Jioro, or Veirett though she would cry.

Tvelle: Sad sappy stories, really really really cute things all make her cry

Whomstdve: Average sad shit sometimes, she doesn’t really cry much

Laighe: She really tries not to cry in front of people, but she’s woken up from nightmares often crying or dry sobbing. She cries over deaths of those she cares about.

Ennreck: If one of her pets dies or has to be put down, it’s a sad day on the ranch…

Aezlin: Are you kidding? Of course he doesn’t cry it’s not a pretty look darling~

Vellask: If the spores infect or kill someone she didn’t intend, she gets incredibly sad and very apologetic to that as-good-as-dead person.

Terizzi: They have a lot of panic attacks that lead to tears. Also if they are somehow isolated from their creatures they’d sob in a panic.

Strair: Illiadde dying or Lace dying would make them cry. Good luck getting them to admit it though!

Kvold: So much makes him cry, he’s a very sweet very emotional boy. Such a sweetheart, especially since recovering from his Court conditioning.

Embrant: Wrelia being hurt makes her cry, and also when anything happens to harm the Grove. Death makes her cry a lot.

Rieft: Not much! She’s not one to react to things by crying, so much as by acting accordingly as necessary. She handles sadness through cheering up with friends and honoring whoever has died.

Illiadde: She doesn’t cry.

Cue: Lace being in danger, Lace being distressed, Lace being badly hurt!

Odollumn: She doesn’t know what emotions are, she came out of the pod a biiiiit faulty.

Regniette: A very Asuran asura in terms of temperament, they don’t really cry over much, just think about how to logically get an advantage back after.

Nimue: Death or loss of vitality in anything makes him cry quietly.

Ezra: She’s not one for sad emotions or caring about people, so she doesn’t really cry!

Fhariem: When she hears about the few other Courtiers she likes dying or falling to the more violent Court ways.

Envert: She doesn’t cry, just laughs manically!

Cherie: If someone doesn’t want to be his friend, meaning he actually has to fight them instead of working things out nicely :c

Fuilliome: He cries over friends being hurt, he knows he has made enemies and feels pretty guilty if it bounces back on anyone he knows. He’s made a habit of only befriending people who can really handle each other.

Renee: She used to cry over catastrophes and big disasters, but now it’s more if you’ve seen one you’ve seen em all. Truly overly happy moments will make her cry though.

Tenor: Friends dying makes her sad, she might cry a little performatively. Ans she will cry to save face or garner pity from others, she’s just a sweet perfect noble girl after all!

Jioro: Aqun or Roanna or Laranthir facing any pain would make her cry, but she’s pretty overall tough and ornery emotionally.

20.  What was something they struggled with greatly and how did they overcome it?

Taomesin: They struggled with the difficulties brought up by asking for help and being ignored or punished for it, they overcame this by learning to never ask for help or voice concerns ever again! c:

Nixxte: They struggled with the complete vicious removal of their lower jaw, but over time they’ve recovered and learned sign language and have both a work and casual set of artificial jaws made!

Tirs: She struggled with the betrayal of her first girlfriend, Envert. But she’s been able to move forward, learned none of it was her fault, and has made some very supportive friends who’ve helped her regain her old vitality and enthusiasm!

Mint: They have struggled with Most Of Their Life, fraught with torture and rape trigger warnings that they think they’re finally recovering from but are actually still thoroughly buried in thanks to a very manipulative boyfriend who’s fantastic at gasslighting and confusing Mint.

Bodacc: She’s struggled with integrating into asuran society, having been raised through Charr society. She’s still trying to overcome either her charr-like habits, or her need to be accepted by other asuras.

Mango: She’s chill! Hasn’t really struggled yet.

Imekaari: He’s struggled with how closed off Lace is, and the fact that he’s not naturally a confrontational person so isn’t good at trying to get Lace to understand they need help. But he’s been getting better with this, having actively gotten Lace to open up to him at least and now he’s also been able to full-on enforce bedrest and recovery for them! One day he’ll even get them to finally seek out actual therapeutic help.

Tojoll: tbh she hasn’t had much difficulties! She’s my happy commander, no one has died everything has been a victory! This Kralkatorrik situation is the most difficult situation for her so far tbh because the fucker just won’t die.

Elaphurus: They struggled with a lot, primarily the fact that when Mordremoth died their memory was wiped completely! They awoke afraid and confused and have slowly been learning the world and about themself with the help of very nice new friends.

Aqun: Earlier on in life she struggled with being taken seriously as a soldier, being visibly a rich girl who’s been handed everything in life. But she has worked hard and proven herself to be someone who’s very self reliant, responsible, and worthy of a title.

Tvelle: She struggled as a kid fitting into asuran society. She was a lot more hotheaded and started a lot of fights in school. She eventually ran away shortly before joining a college, and joined the Vigil. Over the years she’s mellowed out quite a bit, but has found people who respect her choices and lack of discipline and has worked on passing on that support to others she meets who need a helping hand!

Whomstdve: Nothing yet! She’s chill

Laighe: She’s struggled with SO MUCH and hasn’t truly overcome any of it yet. She’s a walking mess, it’s a wonder she’s still holding herself together honestly.

Ennreck: He’s not your average charr, not very confrontational and a fan of alone time. Early on he left the Citadel and moved far away, eventually stumbling onto olmakhan territory, spending some time with them, collecting supplies, and building his own ranch in the desert nearby!

Aezlin: He has no difficulties, he gets whatever he wants! If something is wrong Oriphio will fix it~

Vellask: She struggled greatly with being infected by a parasitic fungus that latched onto her brain! It was nearly fatal but she was actually able to somehow manage to communicate with it, the two have worked out a mutually beneficial compromise in which she lets it spread as she travels and it doesn’t kill her so she can be a mobile distributor for it.

Terizzi: They went through a few things in a row, first falling to Mordremoth and then being captured by inquest for studies and experimentation. It was extremely traumatic and terrifying, and they still haven’t truly recovered. They cope by not trusting ANYONE now and living an incredibly isolated life with their pets.

Strair: The one thing in their life they struggled with truly was the one time they failed an undercover mission and were caught by the White Mantle. They have permanent physical alterations, and would have died in there if Lace hadn’t convinced Illiadde to come save them. They made a solid recovery though! They really have nothing emotionally to recover from.

Kvold: Spent years and years being extremely emotionally abused and manipulated, eventually he was forcibly rescued from the Court and began rehabilitation in Lace’s house! He’s still very cautious about emotionally investing in people now, since it ruined most of his life and mentality, but he is healing. He’s reconciled with Wrelia, helped Liaur also escape the Court, and has rebuilt a lot of friendships!

Embrant: Her biggest difficulty was when Wrelia had completely broken down. She spent a lot of time gently helping her girlfriend recover emotionally, and was incredibly loving and patient. Now, the two are happily married~

Rieft: No large difficulties! Just a good ol adrenalin junkie having one hell of a time!

Illiadde: Her entire life is a struggle and she will never recover.

Cue: He basically lost his life from before HoT when he crashed with the Pact and fell to Mordremoth. He came out of the ordeal with severe anger issues and some mordrem features that left most people very not chill with him. He had a hard time finding work to survive on and was really just getting by until Lace hired him to build them a new house. Since then, the two got to know each other and the rest is history! They’re both helping each other grow from a lot of shit.

Odollumn: She never struggles, she doesn’t much care about difficult situations.

Regniette: They have died several times and have multiple deals with multiple entities to keep their body going! It’s a very bad coping mechanism for avoiding death and they intend to keep it up for as long as it’ll still work.

Nimue: He’s lived an actually very peaceful nomadic life, avoiding any stressful areas or people!

Ezra: She copes with everything by killing the source of stress, it’s never gotten to a point of serious emotional struggle for her before she’s taken the source out.

Fhariem: She struggled with seeing the Court change from using Nightmare to separate from the dream, to enforcing nightmare upon others as if they were no better than the Pale Tree. She tried for a while to change things from inside the Court until leaving it to go join the Priory to preserve the more ‘honorable’ history of the Court.

Envert: She struggled with getting kicked out of the Grove, though she really changed nothing about herself and is now incredibly bitter that they’d kick her out over some meager experiments. She’s since gained her own very very shady lab in the middle of nowhere.

Cherie: Has not struggled, is a good and pure happy boi!

Fuilliome: Hasn’t truly suffered, loves his job, is good at his job, has had some sad or difficult moments but is well adjusted overall!

Renee: The first big catastrophe she saw end a civilisation was tragic for her, she was broken for years. But as she lived through lifetimes and seeing cities rise and fall, she has reconciled with the fact that no matter how much ruin strikes, life will always find a way to rebuild. Things will always move on.

Tenor: She’s spoiled and makes sure she gets exactly everything she wants! No big struggles for this horrible woman!

Jioro: Major social anxiety has actually been a huge struggle for her, though with those she counts in her loved ones she can make it through events now without leaving early. Though she still hates social events overall.

22. If they could change just one thing about themselves, what would it be?

Taomesin: They’d be more durable, they find their loss of limbs to be a hindrance and it means at least a couple days getting used to prosthetic limbs when they could instead be working on saving the world.

Nixxte: They’d like their lower jaw back pls

Tirs: She’d like to be a little less jumpy in serious relationships, Envert left quite an impression.

Mint: They’d like to be cured from their PTSD, they want to be okay again…

Bodacc: She’d make herself smarter, trying to fit more into typical asuran standards.

Mango: She’s actually quite happy as is!

Imekaari: He’d like to be comfortable being a bit more assertive when necessary.

Tojoll: She’s Flawless and very content with herself

Elaphurus: They’d like to look less intimidating to people, they just want to make friends and learn about the world

Aqun: She’d like to not have died once and tied herself to Glint to come back. She finds Glint weak and spineless and undeserving of boing sort of back in the world after she put the weight of the world on a child.

Tvelle: She’d like to be a little less intense emotionally, she can come on a bit strong to new people which makes some people uneasy at first.

Whomstdve: She’s Cursed And Perfect

Laighe: She’d like to be more confident in herself and not so unsure about what she’s doing. So much has happened and she’s feeling so lost but like she can’t stop…

Ennreck: Sometimes he wishes he was a bit more of a typical charr, but overall he’s generally content with how his life has panned out. He’s living a tough but happy life.

Aezlin: He’s FLAWLESS he’ll never need to change at all~

Vellask: She’d honestly love to not have a parasitic fungus hitchhiking in her head any more.

Terizzi: They’d like to not be Damaged, to not have gone through the jungle or the experiments.

Strair: A little more flexibility could be nice~

Kvold: He’d like to have been born to the dream instead of to nightmare. He’s never truly gotten to be a dreamer or feel that connection.

Embrant: She is actually quite happy as she is! After all, the love of her life thinks she’s perfect as is~

Rieft: She’d like to have a little more bulk to her, and is working on that!

Illiadde: She’d like to be dead.

Cue: He’d like to lose his mordrem features and his short temper fuse

Odollumn: She doesn’t even consider changing herself.

Regniette: They’d like for their body to be more durable for easier upkeep between deaths.

Nimue: He’s quite content as is!

Ezra: She’d like to be even faster and stronger, play with her prey longer than she already does.

Fhariem: She’s content as is, it’s the Court that she thinks needs to change.

Envert: She wishes she seemed less suspicious to people, it’d make it easier to pull in new test subjects!

Cherie: He’d like to be a little less naive, though honestly he’s not doing much to change that and he really is just so trusting and friendly and hopes the best of everyone.

Fuilliome: He’s happy the way he is!

Renee: She’s actually quite content, she’s immortal so if she ever has or does want to change anything she has all the time in the world to make it happen.

Tenor: She’s so happy in her current life. No changes necessary~

Jioro: She’d like to severely lower her social anxiety so she can function in society better.

[gh0stpkmn]

ok sorry for droppin rambly shit in the yooran tag again but! ok. headcanon:

while happy supportive yooran where they’re instantly bffs is so Good and Pure, i feel like another possible way they could start out is.... they Dont like each other at all. they’re almost enemies. they have beef. 

putting this under a readmore because its Long sorry. also a link to the beginnings of a fic for this.

(i feel i should mention that i wanted to include the inevitable Rika Conversation™ where saeran is having a relapse/regression moment and slipping into ‘Unknown’ territory bbbbut that seems a bit too heavy and doesn’t really fit in anywhere here. that could be a separate post or ficlet idk)

OK SO. How does this dumb thing start?? let’s set this scene

so... while it’s unlikely that saeyoung would let saeran interact all that much with the rfa until he feels he’s ready (maybe around time of the little rfa get-together in secret ending 2) i’m imagining a scenario where... yoosung is briefly at the bunker.

i wrote this interaction in a lil’ drabble bbbut idk if i’ll write everything as an actual fanfic.

  it’s HERE if you want to read it tho!!!!

ok. after this exchange yoosung is just suuuuuper taken aback. he tells himself to brush this off because, again, saeran has been through some shit. he’s probably just not used to people yet. deep down though, he feels kind of hurt and offended.

saeyoung probably just. interrupts to diffuse the situation or smth and tell yoosung that maybe he should leave. apologizes for his brother’s behavior blah blah blah “he just needs time to adjust to everything.”

but. it keeps happening. and the weird tension from their first meeting kind of just.. carries over into their next interaction. and the next. and the one after that

it’s at a point where saeran is less aggressive, less abrasive... he’s just very shy and withdrawn like we see in secret ending 2. he talks in the messenger sometimes, but not often... but when he comes to the chatroom and yoosung is online, he logs out. at rfa meetings / get-togethers, he avoids yoosung

because yoosung is exhausting to be around and he Cant deal with it...(saeyoung is too but he has to deal with that 24/7 anyways)

gradually, saeran opens up to the rfa a little more. he talks a bit more in the chat. sometimes tries making a few jokes. he comes to most if not all the rfa events with his brother. and obviously he’s way more comfortable around his brother and mc, but also he’s on decent terms with the other members.

except. for. yoosung!

now he’s not actively avoiding yoosung, but not making any attempt to talk to him either. if they have to talk at all, interactions are very brief and stiff and uncomfortable. they tolerate each other, but barely. 

eventually saeran starts making little comments now and then? like. they’re probably stuck together working on an rfa thing, or yoosung is over hanging out with saeyoung and saeran passes by to the kitchen or to say smth to saeyoung IDK. they have moments where they’re forced to spend time together, and it’s just very very tense.

and at this point Yoosung is Annoyed!!! because saeran is so rude and won’t even try to be friends with him. what an asshole. god.

he gets even angrier when saeran starts making little quips at him. little tiny comments every now and then and they’re not always outright rude or mean but.... his tone is very Deadpan and kind of sarcastic... sometimes he will be rude and mumble a complaint abt yoosung to himself or mock him under his breath, which yoosung hears and gets mad and huffy about

the Last Fucking Straw is at an rfa event of some kind. maybe a party?? yeah. yoosung walks in, ready to have a fun time with his rfa family. he is So prepared for the party and in a great mood. he’s greeting them, everyone is showing up and greeting each other. and then he turns his head 

and sees saeran standing there, blank faced. and before yoosung can force himself to be polite and say hello, saeran just says, deadpan

“your roots are showing”

YOOSUNG IS DONE!! He’s so pissed off!!!!! he fucking knows his roots are showing! he’s been so busy with school that he hasn’t had a chance to touch up his hair in a while. he can’t even bring himself to ignore the comment and try to be nice, he is d-o-n-e. 

his face gets so red, and his fists ball up, and his shoulders tense and he explodes 

“Saeran, what the HELL did I ever do to you??? Why are you like this? I’ve been nothing but nice since we met, but you’re always so damn rude!! What’s with you? Why can’t we just get along and be friends?”

he’s embarrassed at himself but more pissed off that saeran isn’t saying anything. his expressed has barely changed, but he’s blinking at him and looking maybe just a little confused, tilting his head a bit

nd he’s like.

“we are friends”

yoosung is. So confused. SO FUCKING Confused. 

“what? but you hate me!”

“um. no.”

“but you’re always mumbling under your breath that i’m annoying! you say rude things and mock me!”

saeran just. shrugs. avoids eye contact and shove his hands in his pockets.  he says “you are annoying” like it’s a fact and kinda. walks away to go do other things

yoosung is left there confused and frustrated but not as mad as he thinks he should be

OK and like? insight into saeran’s side..... saeran’s annoyance w/ yoosung just gradually fades away as he gets better and opens up to people, but he feels weird at first doing a complete 180 and treating yoosung super friendly. part of him also isn’t ready for yoosung’s dramatically cheerful “gosh i KNEW we could be friends” and big hugs and all that

also because.......... he likes seeing yoosung huffy and frustrated. it’s really funny to him. he likes it? a lot more than he probably should to be honest. and at this point he just automatically considers them friends. at least in his mind? idk. his thought process is like “i don’t totally hate them and i think they’re okay to be around so... friend.” 

as for the roots comment he made?? it goes a bit deeper than all this fluffy silly stuff. like... for saeran, it’s really easy to trigger flashbacks or panic attacks for him? so many little things remind him of his mom or mint eye, rika, etc. it’s hard... i feel like there’s some vague discomfort he feels around yoosung when he’s reminded about how strongly yoosung cares/cared for rika. 

and it’s easy enough to keep it under control because yoosung doesn’t talk about her that much anymore, bbbbbut like. sometimes... saeran remembers someone mentioning that yoosung dyed his hair to be closer to rika. they don’t really look alike (bc she was adopted if i remember correctly?) but the blond hair and the significance behind it can get to him sometimes. 

so when yoosungs natural roots start showing he is... really relieved? really happy too tbh. bc he kind of maybe sort of genuinely likes hangin around w yoosung! and now he can see that little sign that he really is his own person, not just some kid who idolizes (idolized?) the person who abused him. ye.

anyways from here on saeyoung probably teases yoosung when yoosung asks him what the Fuck is going on w his brother. he’s like 

“lol how did you not notice that he likes being around you? it’s so obvious. he wouldn’t do things like stay in the room while we’re playing games to stare at the back of your head for 3 more seconds if he didn’t like you!! come on, dude.”

(yoosung didnt notice that tho whoops)

and “the teasing or whatever? pissing you off? holy shit dude that makes it even MORE obvious that he’s chill with you”

yoosung stays confused until he decides to talk to saeran about it and they start like. actually having proper conversations. and hanging out. and they both feel pretty awkward at first but their relationship gradually develops until they’re really good friends.

and then eventually, really good boyfriends. whooops.

that’s it’s own post altogether tho so i’ll leave it at that

if ur reading this, thank u for bearing with me thru my rambling. god.