#when all ive ever asked
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Another day foaming at the mouth thinking about richard siken's Wishbone poem
#long story short#my teenage-hood bestfriend tried to do the worst comeback ever#and forcing himself into my life#when all ive ever asked#is that he stops forcing me#shit is a whole soap opera#with side characters#i pretended to be a dutch person for a while#so he thought he had the wrong number#...it worked#even worse the guy who gave him my number#thats fucking reprochable#and then i spoke with a friend#and she said how differently this thing couldve been handled#if he just did not start his first message with#(first in 3 years of no contact)#with āi hate you i hate you i hate youā#i held so much love and compassion for him in the past#but he keps demanding for me to be someone i am not#he wants from me things i do not want to and cannot give#i will never be able to love you romantically#i am a lesbian#and he has never forgiven that#he just#kept threading over it#and now i am a monster because i dont want him in my life#but he wants me to be someone tamed and obedient to his desires#which i cannot be#no person can ever be#i hope he learns that
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could i get a fabian pretty plsā¦ possessed would be cool but anything with him is fine
based on that one fake bad kids twt thread that i Cannot find for the life of me
#my clerical gnomance logo made by veddabredda#<- forgot to add this a while ago aaah sorry#i already had the possession wip in my files when u sent this ask#so i decided to draw another fabian ehe#idk if uve seen it anon but i did end up finishing and posting the possession piece :D#IF ANY1 FINDS THE ORIGINAL FAKE TWT THREAD PLEASE TELL ME BTW ILL RB IT#in my head he's talking to jawbone but this might be the most uncanonical thing ive ever drawn#fabian has not thought once in his life that perhaps he needs therapy. Perchance#fabian seacaster#fantasy high#dimension 20#fantasy high junior year#my art#guys i will get to all....most....(some) art rqs eventually in uhh due time#i get distracted drawing other stuff xd#asks#reqs
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sellllllll it's meeeeee. hehehehehehehehehhehe
so for ur writing exercises.... deku + light? please? pretty please?
:3c
heheh heheh hehe niku. this will be the death of me. me writing izuku for the first time š„² i will only do this for you </3
contains: established relationship, spoilers for the end of the manga, aged up deku but sometime in between the final outcome (he doesn't get the h*** s*** from bakugo yet), mentions of sex and scars
deku + light
izuku only sleeps with the lights off.
it isn't uncommon; many people you know can't sleep with even just a sliver of light turned on somewhere in the room. but the difference with izuku, you learn, is not that he's unable to stand the lightāit's that he refuses to.
you quickly pick up on it the first few times he sleeps over.
he fidgets in bed, pretty badly, actually. the nightlight you sleep with glows a warm yellow, illuminating the side of your face and coating him in its afterglow. you chalk it up to nerves, how he pulls at his sleeves and adjusts his position constantly; he is, after all, one of the most anxious people you know.
and this relationshipāit's new. heck, even you feel a little jittery with his arm wrapped around you.
the rhythmic tapping on your hip only increases pace. you don't think he realizes it, so your hand gently reaches for his, intertwining your fingers as you turn around in his arms.
he's close, nearly touching you nose-to-nose; the proximity leaves you fuzzy, a little ticklish, so you giggle, a soft "oops," as the freckles dusting his face almost glisten under the warm light.
"hi," you whisper, meeting his eyes; they stare back at you wide in surprise, "can't sleep?"
he looks almost guilty at your question, as if youāve caught him with the one thing he's been trying to keep from you.
"justā" his voice comes out louder than intended, prompting him to chuckle nervously as he readjusts his volume, "just winding down, sorry."
you inch closer, nuzzling his nose lightly, "it's okay."
"did i wake you?" he asks, cheeks flushing pink as his eyebrows furrow in immediate concern. his expression is something caught between stifling a grin and feeling sorry.
you shake your head against the pillow you share, strands of your hair tangling with his. "just winding down," you tease, watching as his gaze turns softer, eyelids drooping heavier.
sometimes, you think, izuku holds the world in his eyesāa deep, dark green, the color of life. most times, they look at you with wonderment, bright and alive; photos from inko tell you they're the eyes of his inner child.
on nights like this one, however, they hide a depth in them weighted by what you can only assume is time, and all that has happened to him in such a short span of it.
you try your best to understand what lies beneath them, knowing full well he'll never tell you outright what truly bothers him.
"is it the light?" you bring up, some time after laying in silence.
"hm?" he clarifies.
"do you have a hard time sleeping with the nightlight?"
his eyes widen briefly once more, as if shocked that you've caught him again. these split second reactions are ones you've learned to be attentive to when it comes to izuku.
"no," he tries to lie, but you know better as you turn to your nightstand and reach for its switch, "you don'tā"
"it was hurting my eyes," you quickly make up an excuse, tucking yourself closer under his chin as you cut off his attempt to deny it again.
finding out that the light was the problem was the easy partā
you'd begun to notice much earlier on that izuku was barely rested on the nights he'd spend at your place. it was only when your old nightlight broke that you began to notice him waking up much later than you did, groggily rousing from a deep sleep.
āwhat was hard, was figuring out why.
at first, you suspected it was his scars.
"s-sorry, it's notā" he'd warned you, right as your hands gripped the hem of his shirt the first time you were about to have sex, "āit's not nice."
you didn't care though; you still don't care, and you've made that abundantly clear to him since. you love izuku and all his partsāall the nicks and jaggedy pieces of skin that make up who he is.
when you eventually ask him about it, with a request that he be honest with you for once, he tells you that it is and it isn'tāthe reason why he exclusively sleeps with the lights off, that is.
it's an odd, comforting relationship he has with his bodyāthat he is simultaneously grateful and sorry for how its become a canvas, both painted and marred to symbolize japanās historic last stand.
you find out the real reason when you catch him staring at his hands.
he does it often, when he thinks you aren't lookingāhis fists bunched up in the same way he used to watch the power of one for all course through his fingertips; the same way he used to prepare them in battle.
thereās a faraway look in his eyes that lingers, you noticeāa little wistful if anything.
ādo you miss it?ā you finally ask. he gives you the same shocked look he does every time, as if heās been caught with a secret heās been trying to hide.
heās learned a fair bit about you now, too, thoughālying to you is futile when youāve perfected reading his truth. he stares at his fists again as you take a seat beside him, moving to give you space. you rest your head on his shoulder gently, waiting.
āsometimes,ā he admits, but you know itās an understatement.
āi think about the vestiges a lot. i miss them the most, i think,ā he continues, clenching his fists tightly, āi always try to reach out to them, but i guess it doesnāt work that way.ā
āiā¦ i try to replicate the right conditions every night, butā¦ā then he lets go, stretching his fingers out wide. the scars on the surface ripple through his skin, telling its own story.
you hum, acknowledging what he means. silence sits with the two of you as you take his hand in yours, slowly unfurling his fingers until his palm reveals itself to you. itās rough to the touch, seasoned with hard work and all that heās been through.
āis that why you prefer the dark?ā you ask softly, after some time.
it's not often that you stay up later than izuku does. when you do though, you catch him shifting in bed, moving from side-to-side. you pretend you aren't awake, but you hear him mumble their names, dwindling in volume as he dozes off to sleep.
he stares at his palm for a moment before he admits quietly, "yeah." his brows furrow as if contemplating whether to say more, but he shakes his head, dark green strands swaying to the beat of his embarrassed chuckle, "nevermind, it's silly."
"it's not."
you intertwine your fingers, sandwiching his hand between yours. a slight sheen glosses over his eyes as he tilts his head up to look at you. he draws in a breath, before it spills over.
"it's..." he finds the words, and you squeeze his hand in comfort, "it's easier to believe it was all real when the lights are out, and that maybe it can happen again."
#deku x reader#izuku x reader#midoriya x reader#bnha x reader#shotorus.workbook#it is here ! the first time ive ever written izuku ! i hope u like it niku !#idt i'll ever feel like anything i write of him will be enough but i tried !#SPOILERS FOR MANGA ENDING PLS DONT READ AHEAD#some stuff abt the blurb: i see this happening in the time between him losing ofa and before getting the suit from bakugo#so somewhere between when hes teaching#and i think its a lot of complex feelings ā he's happy he did what he had to do but is also mourning the loss of something he once had#i don't think i can ever convey that feeling fully but i hope i at least managed to touch on it here with him !#i see this as like . the period in his life where he's transitioning out of something he once knew into smth else entirely#i also hc reader to be his colleague (like a teacher or smth) but anyone closely related to the job would work !#really just someone who has a base level understanding of what he went through but doesnt know everything#which is why they're still trying to learn all these things abt him and read him better#and also why he tries to hide a lot of things from them still / is hesitant to share in fear of scaring them away smth like that !#thats all i can think of for now but ill let u know if i have other thoughts on this later on ! hehe#hope u enjoy niku !#ask#rep#ask game answered#most nervewracking experience of my LIFE writing him#stellamancer#niku.š„©
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when you cycled by
here began all my dreams
the saddest thing iāve ever seen.
#ask me anything#dead poets society#dps#neil perry#dps fandom#dead poets#dead poets fandom#todd anderson#anderperry#when you cycled by#here began all my dreams#the saddest thing ive ever seen#the smiths#back to the old house
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mtt therapy moment except dust keeps taking breaks to talk to phantom papyrus and horror just wants this to hurry up so it can get to his turn because he couldn't give two shits about dust and killer's trauma and killer physically cannot discuss his issues and just starts zoning out while crying for some reason during it
and i'm the therapist listening to all of this writing down notes fervently because ITS CANON MATERIAL CANON I NEED TO GET THE CANON MATERIAL
#i have to break apart like 34 potential fights with my otherdimensional godly creator powers#i would be an ass therapist i will not lie. infact i would make them worse with my knowledge of their lives. never put me in a room w them#OH MY GOD I JUST REVISTED THIS IDEA AFTER LEAVING IT TO COLLECT DUST (hehehe) IN MY DRAFYS FOR A MONTH#ANS TJIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY HELP ššššš HELPšššššš#still real tho highkey i havent changed 1 bit. ITS CANON OMG WRITE THSY DOWN WHAY WERE THE EXACT REACTIONS#ive got these guys wearing microphones i got cameras in the room i got advanced psychologists watching to explain every detail#is it a therapy session or just a badly disguised interview#nooo nooo its therapy......DONT LEAVS!!!! (activates the chains (that coincidentally all are connected to eachother) (heheheheh))#now youCANT leaveššššš not until im done asking my questions ASSHOLES. dont question the handcuffs that keep you guys together please#actually id probably get like nothing out of them because theyre all repressed and defensive and whatever. BUT im simply more determined so#tricule rant#killer sans#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au#fandom event if the mtt ever became real. we're all lining up to the facility to ask one question#world's hardest challenge: if you could ask the murder time trio one thing what would it be#FUCK idk...... id simply hav too many questions!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!#triglycercule do your homework SHUT UO RESPONSIBLE VOICE IN MY HEAD!!!! I WONT!!!!! NOT UNTIL THIS IS DONE#fall headcanons for the trio when. i'll think of them once i'm done with homework#see a reward system! now i have a thought that i dont wanna say in tags this will be going to the side blog#anyways! i think that's enough drafts undrafted and posted i REALLY need to do my homework#i dont even have that much it's literally 2 assignments but i know damn well doing 1 of them is gonna bring me to dream and nightmare's age#sigh......... i hate school bring me back to summer break i wasSO productive. SMH
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learning abt friendship decay and "not reaching out to your friends for months at a time unprompted is not neurotypical behaviour" has me feeling a certain way
#experiencing some BIG FEELINGS OVER THIS REVELATION#listen i have never ever been bothered abt not seeing someone in a while or making time to talk to them bc in my mind its like not thst muc#time has passed. i mean it with every fibre of my being that when im like 'oh its ok even though we havent talked in a while and have our#own things going on it doesnt mean we're not friends anymore since we left things on a good note 8 months ago' i sincerely believe that#and for the longest time i just thought everybody makes peace with it at some point and not automatically assuming the other person doesnt#wanna talk to me anymore or smth. my longest lasting friendships are with ppl who work the same way i just thouhght that was normal#whatever organ everybody has that makes them reach out to their friends and plan hang outs i probably dont have it#i was already hesitant to ask out Alex bc i spend almost every waking hour doing smth that isnt talking to ppl unless they happen to be in#the vicinity. and at first it was bc i planned on making sure i had everything set up so i dont get stressed out and do it one at a time#but then i find out theres a friendship decay mechanic? and after dating and marrying someone you lose -10 friendship points for every#day u dont talk to them?? actually ive probably been losing friendship points this whole time without knowing bc of this?????#and i notice a lot of my own habits are also reflected in how i play bc ive been avoiding getting close to pierre and marnie since its more#of a professional relationship. like i know theyre npcs but im approaching it the way i would in real life its fucking nuts#i think its a little relieving im playing /as/ a character than myself bc as im playing im just making up little interactions in my head#than approaching things the way i would myself so it takes a bit of the stress off trying to put myself in there as a spectator. but well#being in a relationship demands a certain amount of energy even more so when theyre things that already take up energy on its own#like making time to talk to your partner and make sure they know theyre loved. i dont always have energy to put all my mental focus into it#and this is true for real life so im not really bothered by not dating anyone. but when its a game and i want my character to be with someo#and i know its fully optional and i know i could just apply the same logic to this i dont /want/ to. sometimes i want to experience#the same things other people do at least to a certain degree without the same emotional andmental stakes#no offense krobus#yapping#stardew#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#this game has me by the ankles man
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Morro design + a ton of notes.
#alek art#lego ninjago#ninjago#morro wu#lloyd garmadon#featured !#2024#the colors are soooo not going to stay consistent. just because i dont really work with green... ever... not the most happy with these#i need to do a ton of redraws its actually really fun... might open rqs#i know he was 15-20 when he died and its said he was a little younger than the ninja when it happened . and during s5 i see them as#18-20 so i will put him at 19 just because he gives 19 year old vibes (???)#i think i talked about the wings before. they can flap!! he does have ears !!! dont ask how it works. ninjago doesnt make sense#i say this when im the one overthinking how all their powers work and robot schematics. oops#i finished s5 .. i think we'll watch s6 tonight (queueing this on the 14th for reference) so prepare for stuff from that#art was kicking my ass and then i drew morro and all was fixed. morro my new muse ? i cant wait for day of the departed special#FUN FACT ive never seen it. and i like morro so im like itching for it dude. hes so mal core isk
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i am so fed up with people who think animation is just for kids im like actually BEGGING people who think this way to never open their mouths ever again like holy shit
#sorry no im actually MAD at how my mother went āoh youre watching a CARTOON?ā when she saw me watching arcane#FIRST OF ALL: NOTHING WRONG WITH CARTOONS#SECOND OF ALL: ARCANE ISNT FOR KIDS?????? ANIMATION DOESNT EQUAL FOR KIDS#also my brother#also pissed me off#asked him if he watched arcane#he said no#he said hes not really into fantasy stuff#i said its also scifi#he said he just needs something with a strong story and a strong plot#my brother in christ and blood arcane is a show with one of the most well done stories ive ever seen#he also said the main reason he doesnt want to watch it is because its animated#truly people who see animation as stupid are THE DUMBEST mfs on this earth i CANNOT with these people#stiff talk
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It's my birth right as an asexual to be irritated all the time
#allos stay away from me#šš«µ you are the problem /j#no but if i had a nickel everytime someone i just met asked me if i masturbated id be able to pay rent š¤Ŗ#some butch i think is super cute : so can i ask you a question? no worry if not#me : ahah go ahead ive heard it all like people are always wondering if i masturbate#the butch : š that was my question#LIKE HOW DOES YOUR BRAIN WORK FOR THAT TO BE THE FIRST THING ON YOUR MIND#AND WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME#is this a me thing šššš#MIND YOUR DAMN BUSINESS#like wow ok maybe think about why you feel comfortable asking me this? would you ask that to someone who just told you they are bisexual.#do you ask them about the frequency of their rapports???? do you ask lesbians if theyve ever scissored when they come out to you????????#what is it about telling people you are asexual that make them see you as lesser š¤ gee if only i knew..........#and it sucks so bad because this can come from anyone š queer or not
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Do you know this (noncanon) ADHD character?
Evidence below the cut!
can be pretty hyperactive, forgets things regularly (even important things, forgot he turned into a heartless in kh1), distractable, later on he seems to have some problems with emotional dysregulation. hes constantly called lazy by his friends but as soon as hes doing something he likes he has all the energy in the world, and also tends to dismiss his own intelligence despite actually being pretty smart, both of which are things that i think are decently common with undiagnosed adhd
#poll#noncanon adhd character#kingdom hearts#kh#sora#kh sora#sora kh#kingdom hearts sora#sora kingdom hearts#THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG TAG RAMBLE#ok first sora even getting posted is like a saga#originally i was going to post him myself but had trouble verbalizing evidence#so i asked my discord friends#and then i forgot to write down what they said and lost it#then he got submitted in the initial submissions right when the blog started#but the only evidence was 'look at him lol'#so he was unpostable#then he finally got submitted again during the recent spike with actual evidence!! so i can post him now#sora is so important to me#kingdom hearts is how i found playframe and that community is a huge part of my life now#and also i spent multiple years playing a weekly ttrpg campaign in a completely homebrew kh system#and it was the most fun ive ever had in my life and i am not exaggerating#there was only one other non dm player so three of us in all#and we had such a great dynamic we are such close friends now and the dm even looked up tips for dming for adhd players#and gave my character the ability impulsiveness which turned out to be one of our most powerful abilities#(i say our bc later we got the 'sisterly bond' ability which allowed us to use some of our coplayer's abilities and impulsiveness was one)#it let me take an action during someone else's turn at the cost of one less action on my next turn. basically taking it early#making her adhd one of our most powerful tools#and my character ended up very much a sora parallel despite not living in the time of the main kh games#so yeah. kh and adhd sora specifically. very important to me
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{BEFORE KNIGHTLEY'S DEATH; AT A PRISON VISIT}
"Hey, Knightley. I, um, got you a gift I thought you'd like."
-- Simon Keyes !!! (@people-can-be-tamed)
" no way,, really?
i will, whatād you bring? "
#[YESSS THE GIF FINALLY WORKED IVE BEEN TRYING IT ALL DAY]#aai2#ace attorney rp#ace attorney ask blog#horace knightley#bronco knight#[im sorry im imagining horace speaking in the stupidest jock voice ever rn like hes so bad at hiding when hes happy to me]#[horace!!!! he hates you!!!!! odn trust him!!!!! ik heās your best friend but he hates you!!!!!!]#[ *> āļø knightley answers ]
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tgese pictures haunt me every day what the fuck was this for theres no reason for this to behappening im so scared
#all of the results when k reverse image search r for bill and ted and i jsut wanna ask why#and if they arent then what are they. why. what.#but i think theyve only been in like one otherovie together and it doesnt seem like something that would need. this.#i might delete this later not knowing the source of something with real people in it makes me feel weird indont wanna come off as like#being weird about the actors themselves trust me i couldnt care less about them.#im just haunted by the possibility of these being for bill and ted because like what in amy if those movies warrants. this.#jello shut up challenge#OKAY I FOUND YHE ARTICLE IT IS THEM. IT IS PROMO FOR BILL AND TED. WHY.#crying real actual tears what the fuck#bill and ted#bill s preston esquire#ted theodore logan#should. should i be tagging this as the cahracters i dotb fucking know im not used to posting about actors this is scary i dont like it#ive only ever hyperfixated on fictonal like. animated guys. or real people. not live action characters. dont like it#ohhhh my god this is so much talking sorry#bill and teds excellent adventure#bill and teds bogus journey#i dont. i dunno which movie this was promo for. so both it is
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If megumi asked uzhsjdhshd omg I totally see it tbh him wanting you, but I don't think megumi would ever ask yuuji to share you, in any type of way at all. (not trying to push my own hc here!!) I feel like yuuji himself would be the one asking megumi. Yuuji knows that he's yours just as much as he knows you're his. And he loves you too much, a lot, it's purest type of love he has ever felt for anyone. And megumi is his best friend, he loves him just as much, right? Yes, not the same love between you and him ofc but yes. And I have no idea what they were doing but yuuji's just says, kind of out of the blue, that he'd let megumi fuck you. The reason being exactly cause he knows you're his, and you're just so so good that he needs to have someone to talk to (about you and always so respectfully) and who better that his best friend?
youāre opening the pandoraās box that is itfs + readerā¦. godā¦..Ā
okok i agree. if youāre dating yuuji, megumi would never ask, yuuji would be the one to bring all three of you together. definitely because he loves you and youāre his, and he loves megumi too, so it just makes sense that his two favorite people also get to have each otherābut also, yuuji can tell megumi likes you, and he can tell you think megumi is attractive and since yuujiās so nice, what kinder thing to do than to set you two up so he can watch (: he definitely enjoys being the mediator, also enjoys the somewhat awkward air between you and megumi, how yeah, maybe itās a little taboo that the two of you are about to make out while youāre boyfriend watches, but yuuji likes that tooā¦ also he likes knowing that you both like him. like how lucky is he that his best friend and his girlfriend adore him so much :(( you two together makes so much sense in his head, because he talks to megumi about you, and he talks to you about megumi, and now, he can just pour all his love for both of you out at the same time
but alsoā¦. iād like to think that yuujiās maybe not so nice when itās the other way aroundāwhen he and megumi get together first, and youāre megumiās best friend. heās not mean, but he does like to tease... how naughty of megumi to ask out yuuji knowing heās still got a crush on you, and god does yuuji like to tease him about it :/ jerks him off and taunts about how he knows megumiās dirty little secretāthat heās in love with his best friend and fantasizes not just about having you, but about watching his own boyfriend fuck you tooā¦Ā
yuuji knows megumi would take his feelings for you to the grave if he could (heād have done the same with his feelings for yuuji if yuuji wasnāt the one to ask him out), but whereās the fun in that! you and megumi are sooo cute together after all, so yuuji doesnāt mind trying to get you two to confess to each other too. uses his proximity to megumi to get closer to you, takes advantage of his bubbly disposition to be physically affectionate with you, uses megumiās feelings to his advantage to tease, to wink, to smirk whenever you and yuuji hug a little longer, when he texts megumi that heās meeting up with you for lunch, when he gives you his jacket and doesnāt ask for it backā¦ thereās so much fun in watching megumi blush and whine and get off at the thought of his best friend and his boyfriend together. and the thing is, yuuji genuinely does like you, too, he sees what megumi sees in you, and he thinks megumi is crazy to have not asked you out before, but he supposes everything happens for a reason, because now, this way, yuuji gets to be there and watch it all happen under his guidance. thereās something about the power, about being the bridge between you two even though you and megumi have known each other for much longer, about being in control of a dynamic that could have, but wouldnāt exist without himā¦
#anonymous#can u tell... ive thought about this before.... GODD#the locked folder in my notes app dedicated to itfs + reader..... maybe she will see the light of day after all LOL#my itfs heart.... anon u dont know what you've done..............#also the divide between the way the 3 of u come together is like....#if ur with yuuji its just like.... hes got too much love for either one of u#and even when he gets to share u with megumi its not enough he loves u both and there's no real proper way to ever fully share or express i#but watching u two fuck is about as close as it gets to feeling like all his love is coming full circle#but the other way... when hes with megumi and can see that megumi still wants u and then yuuji gets to know u and wants u himself....#now h'es got too much power and its power that neither u nor megumi truly see or understand until ur all in bed together#which is crazy bc in theory u and megumi should be stronger should know each other better should be the two friends sharing him#but it's not. it's yuuji who brought u three together and it's yuuji that knew about ur feelings for each other before u and megumi did#and in some weird twisted way u owe it to him and he definitely likes to reap his rewards#and even when u three are together he doesn't stop teasing...#sometimes he makes megumi be meaner to u... coaxes him into thinking he should teach u a lesson for never being able to see his feelings#u owe it to ur best friend to show him how much u love him dont u....#but then other days he'll turn it around... make u the baby and soothe ur tears...#because its only fair u take the both of them bc they love u sooooo much they just wanna be good to u#but also how fun is it for yuuji to remind you that megumi knew he liked u and still asked him out... maybe u should want revenge for that#maybe u take it out on megumi maybe u take it out on yuuji idkidkidk#anyway...#itafushi x reader#yuuji x reader#megumi x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#yuuji.ask
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Grinds my teeth to dustā¦. i wish touch didnt have so many Implications. im just trying to survive out here
#after all this i need a cuddle and a movie But who do i ask withoit them thinking im coming on to them#i need to paint a giant doomsday-guy-on-the-street-corner style sign to wear around my neck that says I AM AROMANTIC ASEXUAL#born to hug and kiss all my friends forced to stand around hands in my pockets#im scared to death of people misinterpreting my behavior or feeling uncomfortable#od be so much more relaxed like at a core of my being level if this was a nonissue#dude im desperate i might just ask the guy i almost fell asleep on tje otjet night#the ice is broken and he already knows my deal#(fantasizing about snuggling with people i like) im so fucked up ā¦.#itās also made way worse by tje fact that I apparently come off as very flirtatious#im playful and i love people Sorry ā¦..#im like All or Nothing . oh my god lol#i had a friend who called me her ākoalaā because i was constantly clinging to her#we were 7 so it was socially acceptable#99% of the time we were together i was wrapped around her legs or torso. i miss you so much sybil#the start of the end was when i innocently restrd my chin on my friendās shoulder to watch what he was doing#and the next day someone asked me why i did that#i was like huhā¦? heās my friend?#why wouldnāt i?#then i felt all weird about it And ive felt weird about it sincd#unrelated but my best friend is autistic she has misophonia and hates touch But im the misopjonia exception(real thing) AND#iām one of the only people she hugs. straight up my biggest flex ever
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Made another spindle. It's very small. Also very irregular and lumpy due to the wood (I wanted the raised brown lines to stay and erred on the side of caution in how much I cut away...but that did lead to a very irregular spindle).
It also wanted to crumble as I carved, so pretty much all the fine tuning I just did by sanding it, which helps to compress the fibers down as well as remove material without crumbling or splintering.
It really came to life when I oiled it. Probably will be best after a few good coats and some time. My woodburning kit seems to be totally gone, which is a bummer. So I'm not woodburning anymore.
Spins well. Obviously being so tiny and light it was always going to be a fine spinning spindle, but effortless thread from an unprepped piece of fleece is pretty indicative as well. I seem to find myself carving mostly thread spindles at the moment. They're always so small and light in the hand, they remind me of holding baby birds.
#hurt a lot and its the only physical task ive managed today in any capacity#and it exhausted me and im falling over frequently#just from walking the 20 steps to my lawn chair outside the gate and whittling a small spindle#my sister was suggesting activities we could do but they all require holding things really#can barely even hold my phone to type rn#i also cant stop wondering if each spindle is the last i will ever be able to carve because they are so difficult#and take a pretty heavy toll on me. really upsetting to think about because i love whittling#and in an ideal world i would spend a significant amount of time in pursuit of making spindles#but i can't and each one is more difficult and painful#this one i was wondering at what point it becomes unsafe because i lose precision with the knife#when the pain is so bad im dissociating#which i was#switched to sanding instead then#idk man. could i have a shred of certainty about my body ? is that so much to ask for ?#things change and get worse so rapidly i never even have time to adjust to my new norm#there is no norm just rapid decline#i wouldnt have pushed thru the hell that was my teens and childhood if i knew this was what was next#oh well. here i am. whittling spindles thru the blinding pain anyway#what else can you fucking do#spindle making#whittling#supported spindle#vent in tags
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really fucking grinds my gears how my dad knows just how to make me feel fucking guilty for putting up boundaries and saying no
#not even for a major thing!#barely setting a boundary even! just saying i donāt want to do smth!#asking me if i want to go for dinner one evening when he knows i work late most days and have said this for years - in fact said this exact#thing to him last week - so when i say no bc i finish late he just pushes and pushes#until im like this doesnāt work for me AND i hate eating out i dont want to go. just go with my brother thatās fine. and heās suddenly#blunt as fuck in his messages leaving me on read or guilting me about the hours i workā¦.. like get a fucking grip your over 50 bro#i try to be polite with it but he just gets in a fucking mood like please you are a Loser#i see you weekly (smth HE chose when i was a bairn) like im not making my job and life harder just bc you feel bad that you donāt see me#more often now#also i only hate eating out with him!! because itās awkward!! i like to be in and out when i eat with friends and weāre all the same about#it bc weāre all very autistic lmaooo but with him he likes to chat and chat and chat which is fine but i donāt.. and he asks more personal#questions than when weāre just at his as if im gonna open up just bc weāre eating thai food šššš#like you Donāt get to know if im seeing anyone or if im queer or even if ive got fucking plans to go away with friends tbh#like deadbeat dads that try to emotionally manipulate their kids get minimal information actually !! š¤āļø#stelle yaps#fuck sake#i knew heād start doing this when my brother was back - heās always played us off each other and he always gravitates towards whichever is#the āeasiestā child at the time which is my brother ever since i became an adult lmao#i just donāt tolerate his shit and i let him know it whereas e will play along#me and my dad are too similar in that we both know how to really cut deep in the other :/#it just all sucks#please please feel free to ignore#i just need to vent like hell bc he winds me up a treat so bad
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