#what to see in krakow

[matan4il]

Simchat Torah, which is Hebrew for "Torah joy," has long been one of the happiest holidays in the Hebrew calendar, arguably even happier than Purim. If you've ever been present when we Jews annually celebrate our Torah, the cycle of its reading, a beginning and an end at once, an infinity created by our love and devotion to our scriptures and our customs, then you know what I'm talking about. The dancing, the singing, the shared joy, the circles we form, representing the Torah cycle, where we link arms and are our individual selves and Am Yisrael at once, is something else.

I remember it as a kid, at the synagogue in my childhood city, this innocent joy and wonder as they were bringing out the Torah scrolls and the entire community came together around them, and I remember it as a soldier on duty during Simchat Torah, this exhilaration of the soul at seeing people dancing with uniforms and Torah scrolls, spirit and matter at once, expressing our unique identity and religious and cultural legacy, which taught us to live, and which we were willing to die for our right to have it.

Unlike in the diaspora where there are two days we celebrate to conclude Sukkot, each with its own customs, in Eretz Yisrael the holiday is only celebrated along one day, and for that reason, it incorporates the nature of both days. It conveys the joyous nature of the Torah reading cycle, and it also gives room to solemn blessings for the rain, as well as (for the Ashkenazim) the mention of our departed's names. Simchat Torah is happiness and seriousness and mourning all at once.

It is truly a holiday which is like Jewish history itself: contains stark contrasts, of beginning and end, of happiness and grief, all at once.

We read "And this is the blessing," the last parasha in the Torah, then we follow it by reading "In the beginning," the first parasha. "And this is the blessing" deals with the blessings Moses confers unto the tribes of Israel, focusing to a great degree on the part of the Land of Israel that each tribe inherits. Yet another indisputably Zionist part of our religion and heritage.

But I keep thinking about that particular combination. "And this is the blessing, in the beginning." It is easy to end and remain ended when something goes horribly wrong. It is so much harder (and therefore holds the promise of a blessing) to keep going despite everything, to rebuild, from scratch, from nothing, from the ashes of burnt communities... from the very beginning.

Hamas weren't the first to massacre Jews on this date. The worst previous antisemitic massacre to be tied to this date took place in 1655, at the old synagogue in Krakow, Poland. The Jews there weren't accused of colonizing anything, but when the Poles lost a battle to the Swedes, it was easy to blame the Jews. We were always guilty of something, because there were never consequences for the murderers who defiled our holy celebrations by spilling our blood, unlike there would have been for going against those who were actually guilty, those who had the power to punish.

No, the killing of Jews during this holiday isn't new. But us being able to defend ourselves, that is. That's what they really can't forgive us. But that's okay. We're not asking for forgiveness. We're looking for our blessing. And that's found in the beginning that's born out of every end, in the unbroken nature of our circles, which are these cycles of ours that we keep observing, and these communities of ours that won't stop holding hands. We will contain these stark contrasts. We will sanctify life, even when they try to make us pay for that with our own lives. We will observe Simchat Torah in all of its joy and all of its solemnity and all of its grief. We will talk about what this holiday means to us, in the wake of the worst massacre of Jews since the Holocaust. We won't be intimidated out of being Jewish. If anything, by delving into these meanings, we'll be more Jewish than ever before. We will read out the names of our dead, AND we will dance.

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[nobeerreviews]

...what is important is not so much what people see in the gallery or the museum, but what people see after looking at these things, how they confront reality again. Really great art regenerates the perception of reality; the reality becomes richer, better or not, just different.

-- Gabriel Orozco

(Krakow, Poland)

[bluewinnerangel]

FITF Tour exit songs

- NA LEG - Uncasville: Tina Turner - The Best

Gilford: The Smiths - This Charming Man

Laval: Petula Clark - Downtown

Toronto: Bryan Adams - Summer Of '69

Cuyahoga Falls: The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony

Sterling Heights: Shed Seven - Chasing Rainbows

Cincinnati: The Killers - All These Things That I've Done

Columbus: R.E.M. - The One I Love

Indianapolis: Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart

Maryland Heights (St. Louis): Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode

Kansas City: Van Morrison - Moondance

Milwaukee: Johnny Nash - I Can See Clearly Now

Chicago: Earth, Wind & Fire - September

Minneapolis: Sinéad O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U

Council Bluffs: Buzzcocks - Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn't've)

Sioux Falls: Don McLean - American Pie

Seattle: The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Vancouver: The Police - King Of Pain

Troutdale: Elvis Presley - Always On My Mind

Berkeley: INXS - Never Tear Us Apart

Los Angeles: 2Pac - California Love

Las Vegas: The Killers - Human

Phoenix: Spear Of Destiny - Liberator

Irving: The Doors - Hello, I Love You

Austin: Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

Houston The Woodlands: The Police - Walking On The Moon

St. Augustine: The Police - Every Breath You Take

Hollywood: Elton John - Your Song

Tampa: Pat Benatar - Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Atlanta: The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Get What You Want

Nashville: Duran Duran - Hold Back The Rain

Charlotte: Lou Reed - Perfect Day

Raleigh: Van Morrison - Moondance

Columbia: Commodores - Easy

Boston 1: Boston - More Than A Feeling

Boston 2: Pixies - Here Comes Your Man

Philadelphia: Sinéad O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U

Asbury Park: Bruce Springsteen - Dancing In The Dark

New York: Queen - We Are The Champions (dj elf asked a fan to pick between this one and David Bowie - Heroes)

- EU & UK LEG - Hamburg: Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart

Copenhagen: Queen & David Bowie - Under Pressure

Oslo: Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends

Stockholm: The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

Helsinki: Elvis Presley - Always On My Mind

Tallinn: Smash Mouth - All Star

Riga: AC/DC - Thunderstruck

Kaunas: Elvis Presley - Can't Help Falling in Love

Krakow: Iggy Pop - Lust For Life

Łódź: Ramones - Blitzkrieg Bop

Vienna: Oasis - Supersonic

Ljubljana: The Killers - Smile Like You Mean It

Budapest: Bloc Party - Helicopter

Bucharest: Foo Fighters - My Hero

Sofia: Rage Against The Machine - Bombtrack

Bilbao: Pixies - Where Is My Mind

Lisbon: White Lies - Farewell to the Fairground

Madrid: Editors - Munich

Barcelona: At the Drive-In - One Armed Scissor

Turin: Lenny Kravitz - Are You Gonna Go My Way

Bologna: Bloc Party - Helicopter

Luxembourg: Pixies - Where Is My Mind

Antwerp: Queens Of The Stone Age - My God Is The Sun

Paris: Biffy Clyro - Bubbles

Amsterdam: Blur - Song 2

Cologne: The Libertines - Can't Stand Me Now

Prague: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl

Berlin: The Cure - Friday I'm in Love

Munich: Fatboy Slim - Praise You

Zurich: The Strokes - Last Nite

Dublin: Inhaler - These Are The Days

Sheffield: The Killers - Mr. Brightside

Manchester: The Smiths - This Charming Man

Glasgow: The Snuts - Gloria

Brighton: Ramones - I Wanna Be Sedated

Cardiff: T. Rex - 20th Century Boy

London: The Libertines - Can't Stand Me Now

Birmingham: Boyz II Men - End Of The Road

- ASIA & AUS LEG - Jakarta: Iggy Pop - Lust For Life

Melbourne: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl

Brisbane: The Temper Trap - Fader

Sydney: Oasis - Rock 'N' Roll Star

- LATAM LEG - Panama: Hard-Fi - Living for the Weekend

San Juan: Pixies - Where Is My Mind

Rio de Janeiro: Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box

Like last time the plan is to keep editing this post as tour goes on - 2022 LTWT here

Apple music playlist here

[katuschka]

Olalla Chapter Eight

Josh Kiszka x f!OC x Jake Kiszka

9.300 words

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, intended for adult readers. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental. Also, if you're under 18, go find some other entertainment elsewhere.

Warnings (are spoilers): alcohol consumption, cigarettes, kissing, vaginal sex, allusions to rough sex, jealousy, betrayal, language, loss of an unborn child, trauma, angst, talking about death

If you like the story and want to get notifications, you can join the Taglist

Previous chapter Olalla masterpost

If there's a possibility Today, you'd stay with me I would stop and start anew If I jump, would you jump too? If you want it Let it go

Agnieszka, Zakopane, Saturday

The fog was so thick that day that it made it impossible to see for more than a few metres ahead, and yet I spent nearly two hours standing behind the fence, wrapped just in my sheer black cardigan, looking out for them. 

They were late. It was to be expected, considering both the weather and the traffic that day, but it still made me nervous and the feeling only kept growing with each passing minute. Jake had texted me, so I knew they left Krakow shortly after lunch. It was now almost 3 pm and still no sight of them. Each and every passing car made my heart jump and skip a beat. Hearing footsteps behind me, I tried to appear outwardly calm, but dad still noticed my agitation.

“Come inside, Neszka, or else you’ll catch a cold. You’re shivering.”

I had a secret ally in dad. When I told my parents that Joshua and his brother Jake were coming back, mother just rolled her eyes and mumbled something about “madness in this house”. But dad, he smiled knowingly and patted me on the shoulder, just like now. He knew this meant a lot, because I was wearing a flowy dress in the dreary weather. I must have looked completely deranged, standing there in just my flip flops and shuffling around on my toes. Like one of those crazy young wenches from folk songs, although I was no longer that young, which only made it worse. But he understood. 

“I’m fine. Any minute now,” I mumbled, looking towards the sharp bend on the road once again. Doing that, I felt like a young girl once again. I indeed was shivering, but with anticipation. At the same time, I was dreading the moment of their arrival. I didn’t know what to expect. 

He disappeared inside the house, only to reemerge a minute later with a hip flash. I laughed nervously when he handed it to me: “For the nerves.”

“Is it that obvious?” 

He just smiled. I took a healthy swig without hesitation. And because I hadn’t eaten much that day, the effect was immediate. I could feel the wave of warmth spreading at the back of my head as well as between my legs. However, even the sudden lightheadedness couldn’t prevent my heart from starting to flutter in my throat as soon as I saw the car that was here just two days ago. 

We quickly opened the gate and I still clung to it as my dad motioned to them to drive inside, shoving them their designated parking spot. 

Our eyes met briefly when the car passed me on the gravel driveway. The sight of him and the look in his eyes made my stomach drop again. What if this was a mistake? What if he didn’t want to come and this was yet another bad decision we had made… I bit my lip and closed the gate slowly, when I heard dad already greeting them in his own, enthusiastic style. “Zapraszamy! Zapraszamy ponownie. Come!” That brought me back from my reverie very quickly. Jake was the first one to get out of the car, and was now shaking hands with my dad, obviously taken aback by the sudden flood of words and not understanding a single one. Both amused and terrified at the same time, I quickly scuttled towards them. “Dad, slow down! You’re scaring them. Sorry, Jake, I…” 

“Veela, hi!” He pulled me into an embrace with a smile. I genuinely shivered this time. He pulled away and placed the back of his hand on my cheek, frowning. “Uh, you’re cold, babe! Have you been waiting here the whole time? Sorry we’re late. I should have texted. I just…”

“...got us lost three times because he always took a wrong turn on the fucking roundabout.” 

Before I could fully process the “babe”, my head snapped towards the source of that familiar honey voice and now I watched them – even more flabbergasted – flipping each other off. Joshua shot my dad a meek apologetic smile before his eyes finally met mine. “Hello, Olalla,” he almost whispered. 

No warm embraces, no happy reunions. This is why I dreaded their arrival, because I feared it would be like that. What now? He kept standing there, with his hands in his pockets and that unreadable expression on his face again. We couldn’t act like two strangers. That was unbearable. I mustered all my courage and went around the car to greet him properly. I could see what Jake had meant. He looked different, and really not very well. His hair was significantly shortened, probably because of the shaved patch around the scar behind his left ear that went well beyond his previously trimmed sidecuts. There was no point in keeping the long braid, and he was left with a messy turf of dishevelled short curls at the top of his head. 

But that wasn’t the biggest difference. He could be completely bald and I wouldn’t notice as long as the familiar frisky light shone through his beautiful eyes. But it was gone. He was also significantly thinner than the last time I saw him. His pale, slightly hollowed cheeks and the dark circles below his eyes made me feel suddenly mournful for the lively boy that got lost somewhere and I wanted to do anything I could to bring him back. “Are you hungry?”

No, I couldn’t think of anything better to say at that moment. Would you?

“No, not really.” He tried to smile and took my hands in his, and we just stood there like a young, awkward couple being forced to dance. I kept looking at him, as if hypnotized, searching for any sign that would tell me he wanted to be here. But once again, he just kept stroking my knuckles. “He’s right. Your hands are cold. Silly girl…”

“Come on Josh, let’s get inside. It’s drizzling.” It was Jake, ending our ‘little moment’ abruptly with a sharp tone of his voice. “And yes, he’s hungry. Mrs. Sikorska made us dinner and you’re gonna eat it, fucker!”

My mom indeed did. She might not have been happy with the whole situation, but she always relished in any opportunity to feed anyone. So, after they unpacked and got comfortable, we met downstairs for a feast, because that’s what it was, for the lack of a better word. 

“Do you greet everyone like that?” Jake asked me, obviously amused. 

“Oh no, absolutely not…just relatives, friends, friends of friends, most of the neighbours and stray rockstars,” I replied, slightly embarrassed, but encouraged by his warm smile.

I think that was the first time I heard his genuine, heartfelt laughter. 

Jake was really a sweetheart. He kept thanking profusely for everything, making my mom grin from ear to ear. I could tell she liked him, even though he was maybe a bit too bohemian-looking for her taste. It was obvious he knew how to win a woman’s heart, and not even a language barrier could stop him from doing his magic. It was amusing to observe their interaction. It was also clear that he was a natural. And sincere. When he took a bite of a strawberry pierogi, his eyes widened with delight. “Josh! We loved these! Remember?” It was met only with a soft “hm”. 

We shared a few worried glances, me and Jake. A few with my dad, too. Joshua noticed, but he chose to ignore it, just as much as all our attempts to cheer him up.

He ate at least half of his portions and really tried to be polite, but he just seemed distant. His smiles were forced and never reached his eyes. It was heartbreaking to watch, because that was not the man I got to know. He didn’t say much during the whole time. But to be fair, he was giving the same silent treatment to Jake. So, it ended up with me and Jake talking about roundabouts and tilt-turn windows and other things that baffled him, until my dad completely hijacked the evening.

At one point he disappeared in the cellar and came back with a bottle of juniper brandy, pouring everyone a shot. Everyone except Joshua, because of his pain meds. He insisted that he wanted to hear more about the band, and while I tried to stop him, trying to argue that it wasn’t the best time, that they were probably exhausted, Jake insisted that it was completely ok.  At first they forced me to be their interpreter, which proved to be completely unnecessary after a few more shots. In the meantime, Joshua just kept sitting there, looking sullen and weary, trying to smile every now and then, but not really participating. 

 In my slightly inebriated state, I turned to Jake and whispered to him that we should maybe call it a night. 

“He’s fine,” he hissed back. “And he needs company. Been buried in that hotel room for too long.” I didn’t argue, but I had a nagging feeling that he was talking more about himself. 

So, while Jake and my dad kept working on mastering their secret, cringy sign language, I finally mustered enough courage to slide my hand across the table hesitantly. To my relief, he took it, enveloping my fingers in his clammy palm. I noticed Jake side-eyeing us warily.

Joshua paid it no mind. He rested his head on his other hand and smiled lightly. “So, how are you?”

“Fantastic,” I lied and reciprocated the smile. The mixture of feelings clouding my brain felt far from ‘fantastic’, but I was just happy to be close to him again, even though it was painful to see him broken like that. 

“Em sorry for this,” I motioned towards the other two. “You must be tired. And bored.”

“No, I’m fine. I say stupid and mean shit when I’m drunk. Don’t you?!” His grip on my hand tightened while he looked up and bore his mournful eyes into mine, and it felt like a whip slash across my cheek. I was left speechless, completely taken aback… Yes,...yes, I did.

I…Joshua, Em…”

“Let’s talk about it when you’re sober.” 

Next to me, I heard Jake clear this throat. “It’s late. Maybe I should take Josh to his room. He needs to rest.”

“For fuck’s sake, Jake! Stop talking about me as if I wasn’t even here. I’m not a toddler.” His voice resonated through the room and all eyes turned to him.  

“Then stop behaving like one!” Jake spat, but his features immediately softened when Joshua clutched his forehead, clearly in pain. He stood up and patted his brother on the shoulder, while casting me an apologetic smile at the same time. “C’mon Josh, let’s go upstairs. You really need to get some rest. Sorry.” 

I needed a cigarette. Desperately. I hadn’t had one in years, but I just couldn’t help it. Unable to drive in my intoxicated state, and still in my dress and flip flops, I walked all the way to the nearest gas station to get a pack.

Like a madwoman. 

My bare shins felt completely wet after a while in the drizzle. So did my cheeks. There’s something eerily calming about foggy, early autumn evenings. The weather is still mild enough to allow for long whimsical walks, with the spectral atmosphere of dying nature that makes you turn your attention inwards. The muddle inside my head desperately needed some introspective cleanup. 

And nicotine. 

I wholeheartedly enjoyed the way my head was spinning. Drunk in love. What a nauseating feeling. When you’re still quite cheerful, but you already know you’ve had too much. 

Was I cheerful? I shouldn’t have been. But I couldn’t help it. He was here. 

Acting like… a jerk? 

Wasn’t his fault. And my god! He was still so fucking beautiful! I needed him to stay that way. It was now my mission to make him better. 

The sky was clearing while I was on my way back and a few stars blinked through the dissipating clouds. Surely a sign, huh? The cool air sobered me up a bit and I wanted to stay outside just a little bit longer. 

Back home, I opted for the garden bench swing. Curling up under a blanket I grabbed on my way there, I finally lit my much-desired cig. A couple inhales later, I could feel that familiar sense of calm spreading throughout my whole being. I closed my eyes and swung one leg down to ground myself, because my head was still spinning a bit. 

“It’s cold.” 

I opened one eye tentatively. It was Jake. Having been lost in my own thoughts, I didn’t hear his footsteps on the overgrown damp grass. I looked up, expecting him to continue, but that was it. Jake was a man of a few words. I chuckled when I saw him: Just him standing next to the bench swing, looking around the garden and me wondering if he was able to see anything at all because of the sunglasses, in spite of the overcast and the fact that it was already almost dark. I think he understood the meaning behind my amused smile, because he finally took them off sheepishly. 

“Yeah…yeah, it is, I think…” I replied at last. “But I hope you’re not here to talk about the weather. I was made for more sopsh..tikated discourse,” I said smugly. 

Yes, I was still a bit drunk.  

He gave me a Mona Lisa smile and made a simple gesture with his hand, asking me without words if he could sit next to me. I nodded and shifted a bit to make more room for him. I also offered him a cigarette, which he accepted. 

“Yeah, I can see that. I mean, aren’t you?”

“Cold? No…we Gorale are used to cold weather. This is nothing but a cool evening breeze,” I sighed contentedly with a lazy smile, letting the said breeze swipe across my heated face again. It was true. We never got lulled by hot summer days, knowing too well how fickle the weather could be. Just like the human mind. Or our fate. You want to survive? Well, better brace yourself. I had tried, and obviously failed, but I was determined to try again. 

The truth was that both my feet and hands were already ice cold, but he didn’t need to know that. 

“So you’re basically highlanders.”

“We’re literally highlanders. That’s what the word means.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“For not knowing Polish?”

“For his behavior.” 

That sobered me immediately. It was exactly the topic my hazy mind had been trying to avoid. I glanced instinctively towards his roof window, but it was completely dark. Not even a bedside lamp was switched on, apparently. “Is he sleeping already?” Jake followed my gaze. 

“Yeah, probably…or maybe just lying in the dark, I don’t know. I hope you’ve not sad.”

“Sad? No…no, I’m not sad…I think? I’m definitely not shocked. It’s definitely how I feared it would be. He…It just feels like he’s not happy to see me. Like he’s even mad at me, maybe.”

“No…don’t believe it for one second. If he’s mad at anyone, it’s me…and himself.” He paused to light his own cigarette and exhaled a puff of smoke in the air above us before he continued. “His face lit up when I told him we were coming back here. It was short-lived, replaced by that sullen stare very quickly, but make no mistake. He’s happy to be here. He’s just scared.”

“Scared? Of me?” 

“Um, no, not really…maybe a bit…but…Is there something you’re scared of losing, because it would mean you’d lose an essential part of yourself?”

His question made me smile. Of course there is. I motioned towards the southern skyline where the outline of Giewont was still visible in the semi-darkness. “Home. This. I mean, not just the rocks and the trees. The place, my family, being able to take care of other people...it’s hard to explain. It’s the peace of mind. Away from the world’s troubles. I studied tourism in Krakow; most of my former schoolmates secured cool and fancy jobs for themselves. Even here in Zakopane, I could pretty easily be a manager of one of those luxurious new hotels, but I chose to return back here deliberately,” I motioned towards the house. “We care, you know? About one another, about the place, about other people who want to experience it. I think that if it weren’t for this place, I’d probably be a social worker or something. It’s just something I need to keep doing. It’s what my grandma taught me. People need people.” 

Jake smiled softly but didn’t look at me. He just nodded, partly lost in his own thoughts. “You’d be the prettiest social worker I’ve ever met. Not that I’ve met many social workers. Not really my social bubble…,” He chuckled when I punched his shoulder. 

“Jake! I’m serious! But thank you…”

“I know. Sorry. It’s just…that last line sounded eerily familiar, so I just wanted to lighten the mood. Err, anyway,” he cleared his throat: “For me, it’s the playing. Sometimes I feel like it’s the only thing I’m good at…and I almost lost it before I even started. See?” Holding the cig in between his pouty lips, he rolled up his sleeve to show me a long scar on his left forearm. 

“Wow, that’s an impressive scar!” I may have sounded a bit too overzealous, because he turned his head at me, his eyes open wide. He was still smiling, though. 

“Impressive, you say?!”

“Yeah, sorry,” I laughed. “It’s just something boys at school would say back when I was little. Like a badge of courage, or something like that. They would brag about it.” We laughed together. 

“Yeah, it’s bitchin’, isn’t it,” he chuckled while examining it one more time before his face sobered. “Back then, I didn’t feel that way. I broke my arm in middle school. It was nasty and I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to play the guitar again. I played it cool, didn’t really want anyone to see what was going on inside my head, but later, in the middle of the night, I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I kept weeping and sobbing in my bed until late at night…”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“No, there’s more to it. What I really wanted to say is that…we shared a room, me and Josh and our younger brother Sam. So, I was just lying there and crying and letting it all out, you know, because I thought the other two were fast asleep. And then I felt my bed shift. He snuggled closer and wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear that everything would be ok. It took a while until I calmed down, but he was there for me the whole time, repeating that it would be fine, that I would be able to play again. And I believed him. The fact is that the injury allowed my play even better eventually, and to this day I think it was all Josh’s doing. Because, that’s who he is. He wants to fix people. His heart just overflows with love and it’s his life mission to share it. And lately, he’s been thinking that he’s just damaged everything and everyone. And that scares him.”

The temperature dropped during the time we sat there and I felt it deep inside my bones. But it was a different kind of chill. The cold air may have made my cheeks prickle, but the tightness I felt around my stomach and my heart had nothing to do with it. I swallowed hard and asked the question that’s been bothering me ever since that moment in the dining room. “Does he remember what happened right before the injury?”

“I don’t know. Bits and pieces. Most of what he told me was before you arrived at the hospital. He said you two had some argument and then you went looking for him, obviously. Why? Is there something more?”

I could feel tears welling in my eyes again, so I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath to prevent it from happening, but he already noticed. His hand on my shoulder internally startled me, but I didn’t wince. I really needed some form of human contact. 

“We actually had a big fight the night before the storm. I’m sure he remembers that. Whatever had been between us, I basically ended it, and he was about to leave early. I think he already had a plane ticket when he went on that one last hike.” I thought I would start crying again but instead, a strange sense of calmness enveloped my whole being, as if it was something that was finally over. I felt different. 

“You need to understand how I used to be. I wouldn’t say no to a pretty guy, to put it diplomatically. It was just my perverted way of dealing with a previous heartbreak and it never meant anything. I was engaged once, but then…but then I just had acquaintances, but no boyfriends. At first I thought he was yet another visitor that could make another day more palatable, but then something changed. I really liked him, you know, and I didn’t want to. Part of me kept refusing him, but another part kept being drawn to him. The more insufferable I was about that, the more relentless he seemed in his own endeavours. Even after I learned that he liked guys. Even then he made me feel beautiful and wanted me to feel love...if you know what I mean.”

He kept listening without interrupting me, only nodding from time to time, or reaching out for yet another cigarette. It was obvious that we would finish the box pretty soon. Only when I got to this part of the story, he finally spoke.

“Yeah, I suppose I know what you mean…and then?” he asked softly and let out another plume of smoke, before he held the lighter for me to light another one of mine.  “...and then I learned the whole story and I suddenly felt like he never meant it. I felt used…which was very ironic, as my own sister reminded me very soon after that. Anyway, I said some mean things to him…”

Jake huffed through his nose, nodding his head. “Yeah, he remembers this. Listen, I can’t blame you. I mean… He’s not perfect. But I don’t wanna judge him, because, honestly, I’m way worse…” I wanted to speak up, but he made a dismissive gesture with his hand and continued. “I really wanted them to get together again, you know, him and Christopher, but I guess sometimes things are beyond repair...” 

“Jake…” 

“But if – at the end of the day – you feel like you’re past it, just let him know how you feel, because...”

“JAKE!”

“I’m long past it. I wanted to tell him the very next day, but then the storm hit and he didn’t come back. That’s why I was asking if he remembers anything that happened right before the injury, because I told him up there… At first I said that when he was already sleeping, like a coward. And then I said it again and again while we were waiting for help, but he was drifting in and out of consciousness. But there are things I didn’t tell him, and now I think he really should know.”

“Such as?”

“He really did fix me. If that was his goal, it was successful. I may be heartbroken, but I’m different. I simply can’t believe he managed to do that in a week! Others have been trying for years. I know it sounds absolutely crazy. He shouldn’t leave without knowing.” 

“Hey, veela, listen…” 

A sudden gust of wind interrupted our little talk and I shivered violently. “Ok, I guess that’s enough. Let’s go inside,” he basically ordered. “It’s late anyway.” 

“I’m not tired yet,” I protested as he was literally pushing me inside, and I yawned immediately after, which made me giggle and hiccough. 

“Oh, Jesus,” he laughed. “I can see why he likes you.” 

We continued the little banter all the way up to my door. “But I have one more question!”

Jake rolled his eyes exasperatedly.”Yeah?”

 “You said you’re way worse,” I giggled again. “I hope you don’t mind me asking what you meant by that. I’m in the mood for some rock&roll gossip as my bedtime story.” My old nosy self was back at it again. But just like Joshua, he didn’t seem to mind, although Jake was generally way more curt.

“Nothing interesting, I’m afraid. Just me being an ‘asshole who was never around.’ It never made the headlines,” he chuckled sarcastically, but quickly recovered himself when he saw my frown. “Sorry. I mean, me being ‘way worse’ means that sometimes I’m being mean on purpose. You were on the receiving end too, so you should know. Goodnight, veela,” he squeezed my shoulder again with a sigh before he disappeared upstairs. I shivered again.

In spite of certain things that had happened, namely the havoc Bartek had caused previously, our place was still relatively safe and secluded, offering much more privacy than a hotel room in Krakow. The media storm that followed the accusation was not yet over, but they were pretty much out of the wind here, so to speak. We could keep them safe, so that me and Jake could focus solely on Joshua’s recovery. And we did. I made sure of that. 

Jake told me that he spent a lot of time on the phone, talking to their lawyers during their stay in Krakow. The photos David previously posted on his public accounts were a very strong evidence against his latter claims, but Jake just wanted to settle to make it all go away as quickly as possible. 

The two of them spent most of the time outdoors, as fresh air and plenty of light exercise was essential for Joshua’s speedy recovery, and Jake was positive that enough time spent in nature would help to heal his mind as well. I joined them whenever I could. We wandered through the woods and climbed the lower hills. Sometimes, I could sense that Joshua started to feel uneasy when we wandered to higher altitudes, so I quickly changed the route or made us turn back, even though we never got past the tree line. Sometimes we just took a walk around the town, eating donuts or grilled cheese with cranberry jam. 

We spent a lot of time talking, me and Jake. I learned a lot more about the band and I told him embarrassing stories from my college years. Joshua rarely joined the conversation. He was a few steps ahead of us most of the time, lost in his own thoughts or just looking around, or both. A few times he took his camera with him and spent the whole time taking pictures. Once I squatted by the side of the path to observe a tiny snail on a mushroom, until the sound of a shutter startled me and when I looked up, I saw him pointing his lens at me. He turned away quickly and took another picture of the landscape. 

Once he lent me the camera so that I could take a snap of the two of them by the stream. ‘For mom,’ as they said. It was almost like a vacation. Almost…

My mom started calling them Kuba and Jozko, much to their amusement and my dismay. Gradually, she grew fond of them. Well, at least one of them.

Joshua kept driving her crazy though. He ate only half of what she prepared for them, even though I had warned her about the meat. She was stubborn though, convinced that she could ‘talk sense into him’...and failed every time. 

It was different with Jake. He had her wrapped around his finger pretty soon. It was partly because he often insisted on helping us in the kitchen. She wasn’t having it at first, because “her kitchen wasn’t a place for men”, let alone our guests, but once she learned that he in fact could cook, she let him do whatever he wanted. 

“The dark one is handsome,” she said once when we were washing the dishes. 

“Mom, they look the same.”

A high pitched “Eh…” was all she said and I resumed scrubbing the pot. 

“But I really wonder what you’re trying to achieve here,” she continued after a while. 

“They’re paying customers, aren’t they. Everything else is my business, and not your concern.”

“Eh…” she scoffed again. “But don’t expect me to scrape you off the floor again.” 

On the fifth day, we finally made him laugh. 

We went out for dinner for a change, and I chose one of the pubs with live music. At one point, Jake persuaded me to dance, even though there wasn’t enough room and everyone was looking at us. Joshua was watching us with a wide grin on his face. 

“Jake, look!” I gestured towards the table, grinning myself and completely out of breath. 

“Ready for one more dance?”

“I don’t know, maybe…” Before I could react, Jake was already by the table, drumming on the lacquered wood with his fingertips. “C’mon, big bro, chop chop!”

He needed some persuading, but at last, I found myself in Joshua’s arms again, bathing in his radiant smile. 

It was getting better. 

The mood changed completely and as the evening proceeded, I watched with delight as the two of them were making jokes and teasing each other. Sometimes I tried to chime in, but I was no match for the two of them.

And then it happened. Joshua was cackling like a little child, and he couldn’t stop. It was contagious and I soon joined in. He grabbed my shoulder to steady himself, and buried his face in my neck, nuzzling his nose against my skin. I froze. It was pleasant, more than pleasant actually, but it left me stunned. Jake’s own smile slowly turned to a melancholy stare. I watched him across the table, waiting for him to break eye contact or smile again, but he never did. He just kept watching me until Joshua finally recovered and straightened up. Only then he averted his gaze. While Joshua got back a portion of his glowing personality back, Jake remained in this strange, broody state of mind until we got back home. 

I still had some work to do in the kitchen that evening, because my dining outside didn’t save me from my regular duties, while the guys went back to their rooms. Mom tolerated my frequent absence during their stay only as long as the work was done. I was heading back to my private flat when I heard some strumming coming from the common room. It was a beautiful, plaintive melody. Our guests sometimes used the room for singing and playing various instruments, but this was different. Intimate and almost ethereal. Drawn by curiosity, I hesitantly entered. 

It was Jake, sitting on a fur-covered bench by the electric fireplace. I recognized the guitar immediately. For years, it stood propped up against the wall just behind the corner, collecting dust. 

Jake acknowledged my presence by the doorway and motioned to me to come and sit next to him. He didn’t stop playing until he finished playing the whole song, and I just sat there with my hands in my lap awkwardly. I felt like an intruder, but then he smiled and bowed his head, like a true entertainer. 

“It’s a truly beautiful melody… very mournful.”

“Yeah, I wrote it this spring on one particularly mournful morning. It’s called Lulu’s Lullaby.”

I always admired artists and their ability to transform life into unfiltered beauty. If it comes from the heart, there’s always a story behind it, and I’ve always found it intriguing. “I would say that this Lulu is a lucky girl, but the song doesn't sound happy at all.”

“My imaginary daughter. But I don’t even know if it was a daughter. I just always thought of angels as feminine.” 

It was as if he poured a bucket of ice cold water on me. Sometimes I’m worse than a blunt hammer, really. Speaking before thinking. Of course it couldn’t be about some lucky girl. What was I thinking? “Jake, I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be. That’s history. I mean, it's just yet another nice tune now, I suppose. I still play a lot of other songs that are about something which is no longer true or relevant. Anyway,” he cleared his throat and made an attempt to sound a bit more cheerful, before I had a chance to say that something like having happened just a few months ago doesn’t sound like history! And the way he played it… “Those strings are ANCIENT!”

“Yeah…more than six years,” I replied absentmindedly, still shocked. Meanwhile, Jake seemed on a mission to lighten up the mood. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“I was almost afraid to tune it. I refuse to wear an eye patch unless it’s a temporary fashion statement. Yours?” he patted the wooden body gently. 

“No, it belonged to my ex-fiancé.” 

“Damn. What got in his head that he left two such beauties here?” he exclaimed dramatically, making me huff. We were even. 

“A stone.” I tried to keep a straight face, secretly horrified by my own tasteless joke as well as the fact that the whole situation suddenly seemed comical to me. But it was just my old personality, with my Monty Python-ish sense of humour, peeking through the musty curtain of doom. It made me realize – with a slight shock – that I was really, finally, completely over it. Dominik was a happy memory. 

Jake looked perplexed.

“Joshua didn’t tell you? He’s dead.” I watched in slow motion how his face changed from confused to horrified. It was now my turn to ease the tension.

“Don’t worry. There’s a reason why the strings are 6 years old. That is history.”

And that was a lie.

“Well…no, truth be told, it was my everyday reality until very recently. But I had a good therapist.” 

“Oh…,” he breathed out as the realization finally hit. 

“He used to teach me to play, though. Dominik, I mean,” I pointed at the guitar. That’s why I kept it. I was never good at it. I always struggled with barre chords. Got cramps after a while.” 

Jake suddenly shifted on the bench and threw one leg over the bench, moving closer to me and handing me the instrument. He was sitting sideways right behind me now. “It’s easy. Lemme show you. You just need to relax this muscle here, and rely more on the thumb. The rest is practice, as these muscles get stronger. Let’s try that.” I took the guitar from his hands hesitantly, too surprised to even protest, and waited for more instructions. 

“So, let’s try the F chord first, whaddaya think?” His chin was almost touching my shoulder now and I could feel the heat emanating from his body. So familiar. He was making me slightly nervous. I tried to focus on the task ahead instead and positioned my fingers to press the said chord, biting my lip in concentration. I tried to play it, but all we got was an unpleasant, rattling sound.

“Oh, I see it now!” He snaked his left arm behind me and wrapped his fingers around my wrist to push my hand gently into a better position. “Relax the pinkie just a bit, you’re too tense. Press again…Yeah, like that. Strum it now.” 

I tried again, and it worked. “Wow,” I laughed, turning my head slightly sideways towards him and froze when our eyes met. He was looking right into me and I could feel his hand move, but instead of withdrawing completely, he rested it on my lower back. “Jake?” I whispered, unable to move. He raised his other hand and brushed his fingertips across my lower lip. They travelled slowly across my cheek until he cupped my jaw and all that time I just sat there and let him move even closer. He closed the gap between us eventually and I gasped softly when our lips touched. It encouraged him to deepen the kiss and I still did nothing to stop him. I was barely aware of him taking the guitar from my hands and putting it on the table next to him. He took my face in his both hands then, and when the tip of his tongue darted tentatively in between my lips, I felt them part and I heard him moan. Only then I consciously made myself stop, startled. I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him away. 

“No,” I whispered. With my mind still trapped in that strange haze, I slowly stood up and turned to leave, as if in a dream. “Please…” he whispered back and grabbed my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. That sobered me up completely.

I turned back and pointed my finger at him frantically. “No! I don’t know what game you’re trying to play now, but just…no!”

“Veela, I…”  

“Stay away from me! Are you testing me, or what? Oh god, you’re such an asshole.” I stormed out of the room, shaking, and angry, and confused, and sad, and I don’t know what else. I just didn’t know how to interpret it.  

I, however, knew exactly what I wanted. It ignited something in me and the idea of spending yet another night alone in my bed, lost within my thoughts, scared me. Without really thinking, I found myself climbing the attic stairs. It was a basic human need. Just like thirst, equally unbearable. I had been pining for him for so long, and he was just within reach again. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I needed to feel him again. Everything else be damned. 

I knocked first, and a feeble “come in, it’s not locked” followed. I slowly pushed the door handle down and tentatively entered the room, only to find it shrouded in complete darkness.The light from the hall illuminated the outline of his body on the bed. He was lying on his back under the blanket, with his eyes staring fixedly at the ceiling. He turned his face towards me and watched me - or rather my silhouette - in the door frame for a while, surprise evident on his face. I realized he expected it to be Jake. “Joshua? Did I wake you?”

“No, no, I’m just resting. Please, come in,” he repeated softly and turned towards me, resting himself on one elbow. I closed the door behind me, shrouding us in near darkness again, and tiptoed towards his bed. 

“Is me being here ok?” I whispered. 

“Yes. Yes, completely ok. Please, darling, sit.” He patted the mattress right next to him, and I did, placing my hand on the blanket next to his. 

“I needed to be with you.”

I heard him swallow harshly. “I needed to be with you, too. I’m glad you’re here, Olalla.” He placed his hand on top of mine, stroking it gently. 

“Can I join you?” My question was met with silence. I almost lost all my remaining courage and wanted to go back, when he finally spoke. 

“I’m naked.” 

I didn’t know why…or rather, I knew very well why…my heart started beating wildly. “Even better,” I tittered, though it sounded more like a sob. I felt his body shift and he lifted the blanket, inviting me in. I shed my slippers quickly and slid next to him, with my arms folded. I didn’t dare touch him yet. “Hey,” I whispered. 

As my eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness, I could now see the prominent features of his face. “Hi,” he breathed out and smiled, and his fingertips traced the outline of my left cheek. “I think you should take off your clothes. This is not fair, you know.” I felt his hot breath on my face and I closed my eyes as his hand slid under the blanket. He stroked my arm all the way from my shoulder to my bent elbow, and then continued further down until he reached the hem of my shirt and slid his fingers under. I gasped when he touched my bare skin, and as if on cue, his lips brushed delicately against mine. “You do it,” I whimpered and he kissed me in earnest, making my heart pound against my ribcage.

“I was afraid you’d never come,” he whispered against the flushed skin of my cheek when our lips finally parted. After he pulled my shirt over my head, he struggled with my legging in the darkness, making us both giggle. Completely naked at last, I pulled the blanket over us again. 

“I didn’t know you wanted me…” My fingers slid down the hot skin of his abdomen and grabbed his already hard dick, making his whole body twitch.

“Silly girl,” he moaned as his hand slid across my back and he pulled me closer to him. For a while, we just lay there kissing and caressing each other, savouring the moment. I needed more. I needed him inside me again. Pushing him on his back, I straddled him and slid a hand between us, making him gasp. I positioned myself quickly and slid the tip of his dick inside. His back arched and his mouth opened in a silent scream. I crashed back onto him and attacked his neck with my lips ferociously just as he pushed his length inside with one swift thrust, fighting for dominance.. “No, baby, it’s my turn,” I steadied him and pushed my knees forward for better leverage. “Keep still and let me play.”

“Naaah,” he gasped as I started moving. “No, I won’t.” He tried to thrust in me again, disrupting my rhythm. 

“Yes, you will,” I groaned as I grabbed his shoulders and straightened myself up. “You’re my patient, after all, remember?” I rolled my hips playfully and he yelped. “My wounded baby,” I did it again. I loved listening to his moans. “My poor little thing,” and again…

I underestimated him. Thinner than before, he still had enough strength in him, especially when my teasing made his body pump adrenaline into his system. He pushed my right knee back, grabbed my hips and turned us over in one swift motion, accentuating his point with a sensual deep thrust. “I need to do this, darling. Don’t argue.” I couldn’t even if I wanted to, because he silenced me with his tongue. I felt the pleasure take over every particle in my body and I surrendered to him completely. We melted into each other once again. 

They say that you can find the truth at the bottom of the bottle of wine. Likewise, I think that postcoital phases are the best time for telling that truth. There’s something magical about just resting next to someone who just made love to you. 

“Joshua?”

“Yeah?”

“You didn’t fail to give me love.” I groped in the darkness in search of his hand, and took it in mine when I found it. “I wanted you to know that. You gave me more than plenty. In fact, you gave me so much love that it scared me. I didn’t expect it. I behaved the way I did because I was afraid to accept that gift. But you already know that, and you fought that stubborn and stupid creature in me selflessly.” I heard him exhale heavily and he squeezed my fingers in acknowledgement. “What you do not know is that you made me love you. That’s another thing I want you to know. I didn’t want it to end like that, but I cherish that feeling now, and I don’t exp…”

I felt him shift next to me quite abruptly and before I could finish the sentence, the fingers of his other hand found my flushed cheek. He turned my face to him and silenced me with a heated kiss. 

I didn’t want him to ever stop. We just fucked a moment ago, but the feeling of his plump lips playing with mine was making me lose my mind even more than the orgasms he gave me. When he finally broke the kiss, I felt mournful, but only for a spoilt second. Only until he spoke. “Don’t you ever say that you don’t expect anything, because you deserve everything! I love you too.” 

He loved me. 

I weeped while he stroked my hair. 

We didn’t get much sleep that night. I was beginning to see a pattern. While he was quite romantic and sensuous in bed, when we got in the shower it was as if the devil himself got into him and I only prayed that I wouldn’t have any bruises the next day. Back in the sheets and completely exhausted, we finally dozed off. 

I woke up long before dawn, soon enough to be able to prepare an early breakfast for those who ordered it the day before. Praising my internal clock, I kissed the top of Joshua’s head and slowly tried to drag my sore body out of bed, only to be pulled back by two grabby hands.

“Do you really have to?” he mumbled, while nuzzling the nape of my neck. 

“You know I do. But tell you what...I’ll bake you an apple pie for breakfast, hm?”

“The one with whose sugary crumbs on top?” I nodded and he finally released me, disappearing under the blanket again.  

I quietly creeped out of the door, expecting the house to be dark and empty, but there was a sliver of light under Jake’s half-closed door and I heard some rustle in the kitchen below, while a discreet, automatic night light was illuminating the adjacent hall. A moment later, Jake emerged at the foot of the wooden stairs with a cup in his hand, eyeing me warily. He must have heard me too. 

“You’re already awake?” I asked quite unnecessarily. 

“I haven’t slept yet,” he mumbled. “Did you? You look tired.” The sudden venom in his voice made me feel guilty, even though there was absolutely no reason why I should have. “I…”

“Don’t bother, I heard. Those rooms share bathroom walls, you know? Well, of course you know,” he hissed as he was passing me on the narrow staircase.  

“Why are you being such a dick about it? You wanted me to reach out to him.” 

“Yeah, and you reached pretty far. I guess what you needed was just a little nudge.” His face was once again that hard and arrogant mask that I learned to both fear and hate not so long ago, his cold eyes so startlingly similar to that shiny pair I loved so much, yet so different at the same time. 

“Stop this!” I whisper-shouted back, still trying to be as quiet as possible, but unable to control the rage that started bubbling deep inside me. “I did nothing wrong. AND he’s your brother for god’s sake!” 

I hit a nerve. I obviously didn’t matter, but his twin did. His features once again transformed into that broody, melancholic look he had in the pub or while he was playing the song. He looked defeated. “I know. I just can’t sleep and that makes me cranky, so…maybe I should try again to get some sleep so that I'll be less insufferable later. I’m sorry for what I did, veela. Good night.”

“Jake,” I whispered. “Please don’t tell him anything.”

“I’m an asshole, not an idiot.”

“No, you’re neither. I didn’t mean to…” I took a few steps back up towards him, but he stopped me with a dismissive hand gesture. 

“You were right, though,” he said before he disappeared into his room.

During those two following weeks, Joshua spent most nights in my lodgings, where no one would hear us. It was an insane time, and we were both insatiable. I kept swallowing him, he kept devouring me. We fucked like rabbits in my kitchen, we ravaged each other in my bathroom, and we made love in my bed. 

I should have worried about all the possible future consequences of our behaviour, because if I had loved him before, I was now becoming literally obsessed. I couldn’t pass him in the hall without kissing him. We were like two infatuated teenagers, hiding behind every corner, giggling and groping each other. 

Jake went to buy new strings, and came back with a brand new guitar. It was the last time I saw him smile. He spent a lot of time playing it in the garden when the weather was fine, or hidden in the corner of the common room when it was raining. His brother joined him a few times, but as their stay was coming to a close, he mostly kept to himself. 

We pretended the kiss never happened. Not only he never tried to do it again, we hardly ever exchanged more than a few sentences. I missed the friend I got in him. We went back to where we started, being barely civil with each other. Joshua noticed something was wrong, but I think he interpreted it simply as Jake’s disapproval of what we were doing. I guess he wasn’t entirely wrong. 

I felt guilty. Even though I kept telling myself that I had no reason to feel that way, because I did nothing wrong, I felt guilty simply because I decided we wouldn’t tell him anything. It was partly a very selfish decision, but both me and Jake also knew that the consequences would be dire. 

I still kept wondering why he did that. 

…and at the same time I didn’t want to think about it. It made my head hurt. 

But in spite of that I felt so happy for that short while. We walked around town hand in hand quite often. Sometimes he just made me feel brand new. It was like a dream from which you don’t want to wake up. And then you have to. 

Two days before they were supposed to fly back home, we took a walk in the park right before sunset. It was a beautiful cloudless day and the whole northern part of the mountain range was visible from this part of town. 

“I don’t want this to end,” he broke the silence all of the sudden, finally addressing the issue we’d been trying to avoid for a few days. 

And yet it will, I thought. There’s no other option. “There’s really not much we can do about it. And we both knew that. You said it yourself.” 

“No, I don’t believe this. I’m sure there is.”

“Joshua…”

“I’m pretty sure I said that we should live for the present and not worry too much about the future. I’m not going to Mars! We can make this work.”

I smiled mournfully. At least his old, enthusiastic self was back. My work was done. AND this was the ending I had hoped for. Happy memories. Nevertheless, I still asked, simply to listen to him talking. “How?”

“I don’t know. Let’s figure it out. What about Christmas? Let’s…let’s go to Paris!I know, that’s cliche, but…”

“Joshua! I can’t leave during Christmas! It’s the busiest time of the year. Can’t you see? I’m needed here. And your place is elsewhere.”

“Ok, so I will just come back for Christmas.”

“You’re insane. Ok, so Christmas…and what then? Easter? We can’t live like that. Maybe there’s still someone else for both of us.”

“Yeah, maybe, maybe… Listen, let’s make a deal.” He grabbed my shoulders as if trying to talk some sense into me. How ironic. “I will come back for Christmas. Because why not? Seriously. What’s stopping me now?…unless you meet someone in the meantime. Then I won’t.”

“And if you meet someone?”

“Could happen,” he nodded. “I can hardly imagine it right now, but I won’t lie to you by saying that it’s impossible. Anything is possible. That’s kinda my point.” 

He was crazy, and I told him so, but when he asked me to give him one reasonable justification why we shouldn’t do that, I couldn’t think of anything. Everything I had done so far in that past month was done with a complete disregard of any possible future consequences, and it was him who made me behave that way. Ever since our first kiss, or maybe ever since the first time he held my hand. 

We made no sense, and yet we still kept doing this. He told his longtime boyfriend who flew across the world to see him that he indeed did fall in love with a woman at last. At least he thought he did. Reluctantly, I agreed to participate in his insane experiment.

It didn’t make the final goodbye any easier. When the time came, and we hugged goodbye, I couldn’t let go. 

Three months! Almost three months until I would see him again. He promised to call me “EVERY DAY”, and of course, I didn’t believe him for one second. Jake’s amused smirk told me I was right. 

Jake…

The whole time, Jake stood nearby, leaning against the car with his hands in his pockets and his head bowed down, examining the tips of his sneakers. I couldn’t let him leave like this. He was my lover’s twin brother, the closest person one could possibly imagine having in this world, and I kept hoping he would be my friend, too. A lot of things had happened between us, but I’d gotten to know him as a kind and caring soul. I outstretched my arms, ready for a hug. It was brief and awkward.

“Can’t you take off your shades even now?” It was drizzling again. 

“No, I’d rather not,” he replied softly before sharing a quick glance with his brother, who clenched his jaw and turned back towards the house, shuffling his feet on the gravel road. I was about to turn, but he pulled me back in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, before he pulled away while stroking my shoulders. “And thank you for everything.” 

I watched them disappear behind the sharp bend while toying with my malachite necklace, and my heart sank. Three months…

Even though things changed, the recurring dream still kept disrupting my nights. It was changing too. There were the three of us climbing now, and Joshua kept wandering off the stony path…

He was still chasing something. Or someone. Everytime he got out of sight, a surge of panic washed through me. Then he reemerged again eventually, but I felt like I kept losing him. 

“No, please don’t,” I called after him. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I never will,” he said, his voice more like an echo, but there were tears in his eyes, telling me he would. I tried to understand that, tried to accept that, but before I could, a warm glow lightened his face and his eyes grew wide, and I felt the same warmth at the back of my head. I turned around to look at the source and I saw it again: the sun setting in the east. Very strange. But it wasn’t the sun. Terrified by the sight, I screamed and started crying, mad with worry and grief. We didn’t deserve this. Nimble fingers grabbed my sides and tried to pull me back. “Come, my love,” he shouted…

@thewritingbeforesunrise @fleet-of-fiction @writingcold @lvnterninthenight @its-interesting-van-kleep   @takenbythemadness   @edgingthedarkness @myownparadise96   @gvfstuddedmajesty @josh-iamyour-mama @jazzyfigz @tripthelightfantastix @sanguinebats @wetkleenex-gvf @peaceloveunitygvf @kiszkas-canvas @fleetingjake @lizzys-sunflower @hollyco @emojakekiszka @gvfmarge @Dayumclarizzel @lipstickitty @clownstarr @musicislove3389 @i-love-gvf @blankvz @psychedelectable

[coldstonedreamery]

hi mayaaaa :3 are u having a fun time in Europe? What's been the best part so far?

yes I am! so much has happened this month I feel like I can’t even remember…

things I liked about Europe in July:

Being passenger in Zosa’s Suzuki, windows down and warm air in the countryside of warsaw, the layers of chipped wallpaper in an abandoned church we found, having my first ever blueberry pierogi, the cottage cheese fruit bowl nella made me, the beautiful smile of the elderly woman across from me on the train, the goat cheese and pink walls at my favorite cafe in krakow, ayo describing her twin flame to me, walking down the streets of krakow one night and hearing “molly and aquafina” playing from a record store, drinking a Negroni alone on my first night in Vienna and bouncing on my hotel bed, seeing Patti smith with 2 of the sweetest girls in Austria, laying on the rooftop of a castle tower naked and watching the stars and even seeing a few shooting ones, watching the Olympics w Pierre and eating the best slice of meat in some market, buying mint repettos and now laying on the bed with the window open listening to people pass by as the sun sets

[osiiiris]

Terzo Emeritus: Turin.

Primo | Secondo | Terzo.

We know Terzo spent some time as a Cardinal in Poland (I'm going to do some research on Krakow too, just for fun), but if I had to locate him somewhere in Italy, I know where to place him. For Terzo, the most mystical and mysterious of the Papas, I have thought of the most evil and contrasting city in Italy: Turin. Turin is, literally, the Italian City of the Devil, and it is divided into two sides, one evil (black) and one good (white). Let's see what may have influenced the rebellious Terzo Emeritus.  This will be a long one.

1 - Life and death, good and evil, black and white… 

Turin is geographically divided into two sides: the good side to the east, where the sun rises, and the evil side to the west, where the sun sets, divided by the gates of the Royal Palace. Both sides feature monuments and buildings reflecting their predominant energy, and each side counterbalances the magical influence of the other. Turin, with its duality, is both a point of the Black Magic triangle (Turin, London, San Francisco) and one of the White Magic triangle (Turin, Lyon, and Prague).

On the west side, the dark one, the ancient Romans had built the necropolis and the gallows where condemned prisoners were executed. There was nothing but death and darkness.

On the east side, the bright one, the Mole Antonelliana acts as an antenna that gathers white energy from the ground and projects it onto the city through its tip. (Additionally, there is the Sacra Sindone, the cloth with the image of Jesus supposedly printed with his sweat and blood.)

The combination of the two forces creates a coniunctio oppositorum.

Given that Meliora is based on the concept of a city overpowered by dark forces, I believe a whole city where contrasting forces are so strong that they have shaped its aesthetic would have been fitting for him.

2 - Mysterious spectre wrestles power supplies from oligarchs.

The negative fame of Turin seems to stem from the hard rivalry between the Savoy family and the Vatican, especially during the Risorgimento, when Turin was labeled as "diabolical" due to its strongly anti-clerical positions. Turin (and Savoy family) became the anti-Vatican, basically, and we know how controversial Terzo was considered in the Ministry.

So the Savoy family erected five buildings in five different points of the city to form a pentacle: the hunting reserve of Stupinigi, the Moncalieri Castle, the Rivoli Castle, the Venaria Reggia, and the Basilica of Superga. (I have tried tracing the pentacle lines myself, as you can see in the image. Yep, that’s true.) Additionally, the cremation practice was strongly pushed by Turin, in opposition to the traditional burial.

And you are here to stay and burn with me, right?

3 - Lucifer’s statue.

Piazza dello Statuto coincides with the apex of the black magic triangle and the place where prisoners were executed, and it is right here that the presumed statue of Lucifer stands, above a necropolis that is called both la Vallis Occidanum, “West valley” or "where the sun sets" and Vallis Occisorum "Valley of the murdered". The statue is actually a fountain, built in memory of the victims of the Frejus tunnel accident... but looking at it, it's easy to understand that there is something more. The angel placed on the top of the fountain bears an upside-down five-pointed star on its head, and its gaze is not directed towards the Frejus, as one would expect, but towards the white part of the city. Towards the light.

I don’t know you, but to me, He is.

4 - The Masonic headquarters.

Terzo was known to have included many references to the Freemasons, especially in Square Hammer, where many see in the lyrics the tale of a Freemasonry initiation ritual.

In Piazza Solferino, we find the Fountain of the Four Seasons, where the four seasons are represented by four statues: spring and summer by two female figures, while autumn and winter by two male figures. Those male figures are identified with the giants Boaz and Joaquin, supporters of the pillars of Hercules which, in Masonic symbolism, would represent the first step of the initiate in their Masonic journey. Furthermore, it is said that the water of that fountain it’s a source of knowledge.

Continuing on the Masonic path, on via Lascaris, there is now a bank, but in the past, it was the headquarters of a Masonic lodge (curious that in a former Masonic lodge, there is now a bank... Mummy Dust-curious). On the sidewalks of the street, you can notice cracks in the shape of evil eyes. The gaze of the devil.

5 - The first lightning rod in Italy.

Terzo is often depicted surrounded by lightning, so he must have felt at home in Turin. In 1752, in fact, Gianni Battista Beccaria successfully repeated Benjamin Franklin's experiment by installing a lightning rod above his apartment. He created the first lightning rod ever seen in Italy, but since then Beccaria was accused of wizardry for his ability in manipulating electrical energy.

I know that I set a maximum of 5 points, but Turin is so full of occultism that I had to add a bonus point. 👇🏻

6 - the Devil’s door.

This door could have a post on its own for how much there is to say about it, but I’ll cut it short.

Legend has it that it was built in one night by the devil himself to punish a man who had invoked him in vain, and since its installation, terrifying episodes have occurred inside the building, such as the disappearance of a soldier or the murder of a dancer stabbed during a dance that lasted three days and three nights.

The decorations on the door are rich in esoteric symbolism (There is also a little rat…) and in the center, the clapper is literally the face of the devil with two snakes, while in the central column there is a monster holding the world in its claws.

Today, this building also houses a bank… my Mummy Dust.

[jokeroutsubs]

📝ENG Translation: Joker Out in Helsinki

Article written by L.P./Promo, published on Croatian website tportal on 4.3.2024, English translation by @moonlvster and IG ireena25_, Proofread by IG GBoleyn123.

PHOTO: Vita Orehek

Joker Out played two unreleased songs in Helsinki – and it caused complete uproar!

The band Joker Out began their big European 'See You Soon' tour with two sold out concerts in Helsinki.

The Finnish audience, besides having the honour of opening the band's new tour, recieved a special gift they weren't expecting – the first performance of two completely new songs that caused an unseen hysteria in the fans! The effect was even stronger because both of the songs are in Serbian and most of the audience didn't understand a single word.

"We performed two unreleased songs for the first time in Helsinki – 'Šta bih ja' ('What would I') and 'Bluza' ('Blouse'). It's not necessary to point out that Finns don't understand the Serbian language, but the reaction was as though we were playing our absolute most popular songs. We were just looking at each other and smiling. When we returned to our hotel we saw that the reaction online was the same as the one we had experienced at the concert. A group of our fans at JokerOutSubs even activated and translated both of the songs into English using video recordings. Commenters on social media are asking us to release the songs, but they will have to wait a little because we are going to record them after the tour." – stated the band enthusiastically.

In mid-February Joker Out released their new single 'Everybody's Waiting', the sucessor of their amazing 'Sunny Side Of London'. They are going to, together with 'Šta bih ja' and 'Bluza' (which is currently a working title), be featured on the band's next studio album.

Joker Out sold all the tickets for the House of Culture in Helsinki, which means there were more than 3000 fans there. Ahead of them is a long tour that continues tommorow in Tallinn, and then in Riga, Vilnius, Krakow, Berlin, Leipzig, Malmö and many more cities. This tour, called 'See You Soon', encompasses 13 countries, including France, Belgium and Italy for the first time, with 22 concerts in some legendary, world-famous concert venues, for example, the O2 Shepherds Bush Empire.

Some of their festival appearences have also been announced, which include Sea Star Festival (23rd-26th May, Umag, Croatia), EXIT (10th-14th July, Novi Sad, Serbia) and Sziget (7th-12th August, Budapest, Hungary), at which the local fans will have the chance to hear 'Everybody's Waiting', 'Šta bih ja' and 'Bluza' live for the first time!

❗ DO NOT REPOST, and if you quote, please link back to this article.

[zot3-flopped]

hi eastern european here. i remember reading some time ago article about eras' european leg and they interviewed some polish swifties, who themselves were surprised that tickets are selling well, because swiftie polish community is so small they feel like it's only bunch of them.

they of course failed to consider the fact that swift hasn't played in that part of europe before, so that among sold tickets there is gonna be huge chunk of people from poland and countries near it, who are not swifties, but are interested simply because it's her first appearance there, you know in a very something new, circus came to town, gimmicky way. an event good for local celebs and influencers to go and take bunch of video, photos etc to post as a content.

what also plays into ticket sales is the fact that a lot of swifties travel to many eras concerts and from western european and american perspective poland is cheap. krakow is literally one of favourite locations for brits to have bachelor parties and act like assholes in public, pissing to fountains and such. also that original price of ticket $498 is hilarious when you know that polish minimum pay after taxes is about $818. most of swift's fans are zoomers, so unless parents are giving them money, i don't really see a lot of poor students going on such gig for just one artist, way better to attend some music festival with a lot of musicians.

there is also always this overestimation on how american artists will do in europe, because music business on european countires favours heavily their own artists, while american stars are exactly that gimmicky thing that shows up only once in a while, so why even bother too much with them. but americans just don't get that and try over and over to win non-english native europe not knowing why it isn't working.

but it's funny to read that prices in poland went down do much, because it means that those initial reports about sales going well were just pr bullshit.

Thanks for sharing this.

[dreaminofu]

What will our tour wife do all day, waiting for his husband to get back from the war?

Will he get him some surprises to unwind? Will he be his buddy’s shadow? Is he finally gonna learn another JO song? Will he practice pronouncing Nace’s actual name after Bojan spent the whole night before teaching him? (He had watched the way Bojan’s lip moved so well)

Tell me, what do you think he will be doing in the downtime?

Thank you for the ask! In this essay I will…

Oh, Jere will definitely be the bestest tour wife there ever was. Needless to say, he watches all the concerts backstage and each day picks a new song to try to sing along to, discreetly glancing at the writing in his hand so as not to make it too obvious that he’s still learning. But the writing is smudged and he’s still practicing pronunciation, so he sings ”Usa car vem, in car sam, je ta napoli”. But that’s okay, because he’s trying his best <3

When the gig is over, (and the routine hugs and kisses and ”you were amazing babe” done), he runs back to the tour bus, while the guys shower, to finish the preparations he started earlier. He makes sure to fluff Bojan’s pillow and sprays it with some calming lavender oli because he knows it will help Bojan sleep better (besides sleeping in his arms ofc) <3

He places Bojan’s favourite bear slippers next to the bunk (dusted and aired) and, after wearing it for a while, he folds the hockey wife jersey on the bed, having sensed from Bojan’s mood earlier (and listening to him sing Everybody’s waiting) that it’s one of those days and Bojan needs some extra comfort <3

Then he looks up last-minute tips online how to give the perfect shoulder/back/feet/hand/THIGH massage (he LOVES massaging Bojan’s thighs, but he’ll do whatever massage his man wants). Earlier in the day, he spent a few hours shopping for a few essentials, like a dozen different massage oils, because he wants to make sure that his Bojan has all the options he could ever want <3

But Jere also spends some time in each city to find the perfect silly little trinket he can gift to Bojan, and that Bojan finds on his pillow after every concert <3

From Tallinn, Jere got Bojan a key chain with two hearts intertwined. From Krakow and Malmö, he got magnets, the first with a donut on it, saying ”Donut forget that I love you”, and the second with two tomatoes holding hands, saying ”I love you from my head tomatoes”. And a few days ago in Hamburg, he bought Bojan and himself matching half heart necklaces. (”Because you come here to record and then you go back Ljubljana, but I have work and I not see you then, but I want you remember that I’m always here”) <3

Lastly, he makes sure that all of Bojan’s favourite snacks are waiting for him, neatly in different bowls. And if he still has time, Jere continues learning the lyrics to Vse kar vem (and this time he gets them right!) <3

When the boys arrive:

Kris: ”Oh thanks Jere, these are my favourite!” *reaches for the bowl containing TV Mix sour candies*

Jere: *slaps his fingers* ”This only for the Bojan, get your own!”

This happens every night with one of the boys, but Jere always gives up in about 15 seconds, because he loves the others too and then gives them all the treats <3

[aurora-daily]

auroramusic HELLO WORLD I'M COMING FOR YOU 🦷🫀🗡️ 💙 Anyone who pre-orders "What Happened To The Heart?" from my official store by 3pm GMT on Tuesday 2nd April will gain access to my tour pre-sale, starting next week. So excited to see you all there!!!

Tourdates:

June 21 Tbilisi Open Air, Tbilisi, Georgia [link] June 26-30 Glastonbury Festival, Pilton, England [link]

July 5 Roskilde Festival, Roskilde, Denmark [link] July 6 Down The Rabbit Hole, Ewijk, The Netherlands [link] July 10 Slottsfjell Festival, Tønsberg, Norway [link] July 12 NOS Alive, Lisbon, Portugal [link] July 13 Cruilla Festival, Barcelona, Spain [link] July 18 Ravnedalen, Kristiansand, Norway [link] July 19 Malakoff Festival, Nordfjordeid, Norway [link] July 24 Paleo Festival, Nyon, Switzerland [link]

August 17-18 Summer Sonic, Osaka/Tokyo Japan [link]/[link] August 23 LaLaLa Festival, Jakarta, Indonesia [link] August 25 Summer Sonic, Bangkok, Thailand August 31 Zurich Open Air, Zurich, Switzerland [link]

September 18 Alcatraz, Milan, Italy September 20 Gasometer, Vienna, Austria September 21 Sportovní hala Fortuna, Prague, Czechia September 23 Tauron Arena, Krakow, Poland September 24 COS Torwar, Warsaw, Poland September 25 UFO, Berlin, Germany September 27 Forest National, Brussels, Belgium September 28 AFAS Live, Amsterdam, Netherlands September 30 L’Olympia, Paris, France

October 2 Royal Albert Hall, London, UK

October 4 O2 Apollo, Manchester, UK

[hallmark-movie-fanatics]

[sgiandubh]

Fanfic galore

S is spotted on a boat in London by a French fan. Crazy comments ensue in Mordor:

AHAHAHAHA, out of all nations on this planet, they just had to come up with a Brazilian suspect!

And the host (that petty racist I refuse to name) immediately and somewhat gleefully gets on the choo-choo train.

The woman who posted that London pic is not Brazilian. She is desperately (and even provincially) French, but then it does not seem to suit your agenda (for what reason? I wonder 🙄) and then you just couldn't help yourself, could you?

Let's unpack. Yesterday, the X user Véesse, aka Drfolledamour, posted this innocent pic:

In the process, she gives us plenty of info on her real identity, because she is a normal human being with an average number of social media followers and being middle-aged, she does not give a crap about silly, sick hiding games on the Internet.

First, her initials, V.S (Véesse), with a rather cool & clever pun on the French word déesse/goddess. I like her and would definitely have coffee with her: my type of happy go lucky character.

Then, a very important clue, the X handle - @Drfolledamour. Anon and the vast majority of the non French or Francophile users would be excused not to know that is the French translation of one of my favorite Stanley Kubrick movies, Dr. Strangelove:

Then, the short bio, in her X profile. We are informed her grandfather was born in Lviv and her grandmother in Krakow. Lviv is in this country:

This country, if you don't mind reading, is called the Ukraine.

Krakow is to be placed here:

The country is called Poland. It is bordering Ukraine.

Until Brusilov's army got there, in 1914, Lviv was a part of the Austro-Hungarian empire and Krakow was under Russian control until 1794. Both cities featured sizeable Jewish communities, out of which a hefty chunk emigrated to the more tolerant France, especially in the Interwar period.

V.S. is a French woman proud of her Jewish roots, that's all. She also teaches economics in a French high school near Paris, in Chaville. But that's too complicated for you, I suppose.

However, her spelling sucks: 'j'ai dit que ma fille le kiffais' should be correctly written ' j'ai dit que ma fille le kiffait'. I told him my daughter liked him (a lot).

You see, 'kiffer' means 'to like/enjoy something a lot'. It comes from the Arabic Algerian colloquialism kif (كَيفْ), which means pleasure or amusement, and it went on into the French colonial slang, back in the day Algeria was a French colony. And onwards to the mild, mainstream jargon of today, keeping its meaning intact.

I am sorry, Brazilian friends. No woman of your country and few foreigners would spontaneously kif something or someone, nor make the sort of puns only a French native speaker would. Ask *urv, she just said she speaks French (proficient in buying a metro ticket using Duolinguo, I suppose).

Yes, these people are that stupid. And racist.

This is pathetic and the blogger should excuse herself, at a minimum. Which she won't. Of course.

[panelki]

Me and Krakow 🇵🇱 have a very strange relationship. Each of my arrivals in the city is accompanied by a weather disaster. This time it was pouring like a wall! Let's see what surprise the city will bring next time

[katuschka]

Olalla Chapter Six 1/2

Josh Kiszka x f!OC x Jake Kiszka

After some consideration, I decided to split this chapter in two. Not only it makes more sense, because it really consists of two more or less separate parts, but the first half is already fully finished. So... Voilá!

3.727 words

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, intended for adult readers. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental. Also, if you're under 18, go find some other entertainment elsewhere.

Warnings (are spoilers): hospital, head injury, naussea and vomiting, depression, memory loss, physical and emotional pain, loneliness, smut lite (retrospective)

Taglist

Previous Chapter Chapter Six 2/2 Olalla masterpost

I'm waiting for the wind to draw apart

Those dark, billowing curtains.

Then I will get up at once,

to face the sun.

Part 1/2: Josh, University Hospital in Krakow

It hurts. 

Beep, beep, beep. The sound hurts. He can feel it pulsating somewhere behind his closed eyelids. It hurts so much it makes his stomach turn. He can hear himself moan and tries to open those eyes. Everything around him is white. Nauseatingly bright. Where is he? In a bed, somewhere. He tries to sit, but the slightest movement makes him gasp and retch and…a woman is by his side in an instant, holding some bean-shaped bowl and helping him turn to his side, holding the bowl under his chin, just in time for him to throw up bile in it. It’s disgusting. It hurts. It hurts so much! Make it go away!

She forces him to lie back. Something’s buzzing and he can feel his upper body move upwards. It’s dizzying, but he can see the room now. More beds. Monitors. Beep, beep, beep. Is he hurt? She makes him drink some sweet tea. It hurts to swallow. Everything hurts. For fucks sake, make it stop…please. He can feel the bile rising again and tries to fight it. His mouth is full of saliva. One deep breath…and exhale. Once again. And again. It hurts to breathe. He can feel the air flow reverberating inside his skull. 

He can feel something move around his right bicep. The pressure grows stronger until it hurts, followed by a wheezing sound. Then the sensation is suddenly gone again. The woman moves around him, but he can’t focus on what she’s doing. Something cold flows through his left forearm. It’s a strange sensation and it stings. The pain goes away. Everything goes awa…

When he opens his eyes again, the room’s still bright, but slightly yellow. He’s not that nauseous anymore. Just tired. He tries to make sense of it all. He was outside. He made it to the top just to see the ominous shelf cloud right behind the central ridge. The billowing wind should have warned him, but it’s normal at that altitude. The northern sky was still clear when he heard the first deafening thunder and everything around him grew darker with each passing second. He was alone. The sudden wave of panic made his stomach clench…

Alone. Why was he alone? Why is he alone now? He had a fight with someone, someone important…but who? He remembers how they argued about the things he did and his heart sinks. When was it? He tries to look around again. There is a cannula in his left forearm, right above a bandage. Both his hands are bandaged as well, and he can see scrapes on his fingers and knuckles too, covered with some emerald green dye. One of his fingernails is gone, and it stings a little.So, this is a hospital room. He must be injured. That’s probably why it hurts so much, but not as much as… When was it? What time is it? What DAY is it? He notices a digital clock on the opposite wall. 16:37. Come on, Kiszka, think! No, the brain protests. It’s hot in here. He can feel a dribble of sweat running down his forehead. He tries to wipe it away with his fingertips and feels the structure of cohesive bandaging where his hairline should be. Oh god! And he’s alone. Panic engulfs him again, and the nausea comes back, and he suddenly retches again, even though there’s nothing left in his stomach save for two sips of the tea, but it contracts anyway, making him dry heave. It hurts. The woman’s back again, trying to calm him down. 

“Where’m I?”

She tries to keep him still, but he cannot keep still. He tries to make her understand. “Please, wha’appened?” She says something, but he doesn’t understand a single word she says. Until he does. One single word, but it fills his heart with bittersweet emotions. Chłopiec. That’s what his grandfather used to call him when he was chasing him around the house. Or them. You just wait, chłopcy, you just wait! And they still ran away, cackling. Ran to the magic room, he and Jakey. Muzyka, magia. He can feel his eyes fill with tears and she frowns and turns away, disappearing in the adjacent room. “Nuhplease, don’t go’way!” 

She’s soon back with another, younger woman. “Please, calm down Mr. Kiszka, everything is ok.” That makes him emotional again. He hasn’t heard his name pronounced like this in years. Kishka.

“Where’m I? Wha’appened? Wha’day…” his hoarse voice falters momentarily. He tries to clear his aching throat, but it hurts. 

“You were injured and transported here to the University Hospital in Krakow. This morning. So…it is 21st August 2025, so do not worry. You have a broken…uummm…fractured skull.” She immediately notices fear and shock in his eyes and starts flailing her arms around, scared that she probably said more than she should have. “But do not worry, Mr. Kiszka, it is fortunately not serious! You need to rest now and the doctor will say more to you soon!” 

“Ma’phone?”

“I’m afraid you didn’t have any phone with you Mr. Kiszka.” 

More sweet tea and another intravenous dose of painkillers. Cracked skull…oh god. Time moves slowly. He spends it watching the rhomboids of light move along the opposite wall, growing more and more yellow until they’re almost orange and near the other patient’s headboard. He’s alone. Injured, in pain, hurting and thousands of miles from home and no way to connect with any of them now. Does anyone know? Chris… Last time they spoke, Christopher ended up shouting hurtful things into the speaker. Chris wouldn’t care anyway. Jake…He hung up on Jake, they haven’t spoken since. Or, at least he thinks they haven’t. Something else happened, and it made him feel like he’s destined to keep making mistakes. He wanted to make it better, but then the storm came and now he’s here. He was so scared he’d die in that storm. Maybe he should have. His chest feels tight. This doesn’t feel better…

A man who looks like a doctor arrives shortly after two of the patients in the room had supper. The rest of them, including Josh, are drip-fed. He’s barely moved since he opened his eyes. 

“Good evening, Mr. Kiszka, you’re feeling better, I assume?”

“Well, define ‘better.’ He doesn’t want to be rude, but his growing frustration mixed with fear have taken its toll. “I mean…yeah…probably.” It still hurts to speak. His throat is still scratchy and his head feels like a snare drum, each word a hit with a drumstick. 

“Do you remember what happened?” he asks while examining him routinely. 

“No..,.” Josh hesitates first, then adds: “I remember the storm…”

The man starts scribbling something on the clipboard, then turns a few pages and frowns. “Well, that’s expected, so no need to worry. It should come back to you soon. You have suffered a head trauma early this morning, Mr. Kiszka. You have a grade 3 concussion and a linear skull fracture, which is very fortunate, because you didn’t need a surgery and we expect full recovery. Your host, Agnieszka Sikorska, has already notified your brother Jacob Kiszka and your mother Karen Kiszka. I am to inform you that they are already taking…uuuh… action so as to arrive here on Saturday, the day after tomorrow, that is. Pani Sikorska also emailed us the details of your travel insurance, which was insufficient unfortunately, but your brother already took care of it just a moment ago. You young adventurers really think you’re invincible and nothing bad can happen to you, and then you end up here,” the doctor flails his nostrils and pauses to inhale sharply through his nose, for dramatic effect. Prick. “Well, your recovery is now the highest priority, of course, so that wouldn’t be an issue anyway, but you should be more mindful AND careful next time, or it will cost you.” Seriously, what a prick. Am I a fucking child or what? “Now, Mr. Kiszka, do you have any questions?” 

Agnieszka…Neszka…Olalla, oh god… His chest tightens again. She called Jake? He told her to call Jake…She was singing and the grass smelled like soap in the breeze… and pennies. He could smell pennies. It comes to him in flashes, but nothing more. It makes no sense. “What exactly happened? Is Neszka here? Can I see her?”

“Unfortunately, I don’t know the details, but according to the report, it was a fall injury and Pani Sikorska was with you when the accident happened.” What?  “Again, you are very lucky, because to my knowledge, Pani Sikorska moved both your body and your head after your fall and that alone could have caused much greater damage if you were more severely injured. Very unwise.” Don’t you dare speak lowly of her, you son of a bitch! “She is not here, because you’re in the intensive care unit and nobody but your close family can visit you right now. If everything goes well, we shall move you to a regular room on Saturday.” 

With that, he excuses himself impassively, wishing Josh a good night before he moves to the next patient, leaving Josh alone with his thoughts again. He remembers her face now, contorted with hurt and rage. But then she hugged him as the fog started to dissipate. She really was with him there. Before he can recollect anything else, he’s given another drip infusion and drifts off…

Friday morning didn’t go easy on him. The feeling of being trapped in your own body is a peculiar condition. In addition to the headache and abrasions on his arms, hand and shins, the strained muscles made themselves felt too. One doesn’t learn to fully appreciate the physiological mechanism of being alive until the cogwheels glitch and pain prevents you from being you. When the body is sore, the mind inevitably hurts as well. More so, when one has a reason to feel miserable. 

Once again, it took him a while to remember where he was and why. A white room, full of beds and monitors and beeping sounds. Somewhere behind the door, tray wheels clattered on the floor. Two nurses kept whispering on the other side of the room, their words indecipherable. As soon as he recalled all the sensations and conversations of the previous day, intrusive feelings of worry and hopelessness hit with brutal force. 

It was made even worse by the fact that he couldn’t remember what happened after he felt the first raindrop land on his forehead. Bits and pieces came to him like flashes of light: fear and darkness; haze; cold; a sunset, warming his cheek; a soothing feeling of warmth on his chest… It was her hand. Her palm pressed against his sternum while her fingertips kept drawing small circles on his skin. None of it made sense. It was like trying to remember a dream, and failing. It kept slipping through his fingers, save for that one feeling, both exhilarating and oppressive at the same time. Like an underlying current of emotions that may or may not have been connected to the things that he still couldn’t remember. 

The realization came long before the storm, and he remembered his determination to tell her once he got back…which he never did. He woke up here instead. His frustration just kept growing.

Lately, his life had been a bead string of bad decisions and unfortunate events, including that ill-considered sentence, uttered without thinking in his half-drunk state. Not exactly lying, but he didn’t tell her the truth either. It was new. She came like a storm, subverting things he thought were immutable. He obviously could, would, and he did. At first he just suspected it, and his own confusion, as well as her evident hurt, robbed him of all the words he could use to explain and to defend himself. 

Her body was pressed against his. That’s why she was caressing his chest when both of them lay on a hard, sloped surface, with a starry sky high above them. It must have happened before he fell. A small, grassy patch was their bed for the night, with only a thin, waterproof thermal blanket sheltering their bodies from the damp. He felt so calm, so at peace. And he didn’t tell her. 

“I thought I was going to die here. Without saying things I should have said…” “I wouldn’t let you.”

Wouldn’t let him die, or wouldn’t let him say it? Probably both. They were both crazy. And stupid. And from two different worlds…but…pretty much anything is possible, right? That’s what he used to believe. 

A flurry of rain started pattering against the window, disturbing the sleepy silence of the hospital room. He was safe here now, and it took him back to another safe place.

He was moving inside slowly, revelling in listening to her short, high-pitched moans. She sounded like a titmouse. It was cute. 

“You look like an angel.”

“What?” He paused in his movements, looking down at her incredulously. She laughed softly, looking right into his eyes, and raised her hand to his face to stroke his cheek gently. He leaned into the touch. Heavy rain kept drumming on the roof above them. He rolled his hips playfully, making her make that chirping sound again. She placed her palms on both of his asscheeks to still him momentarily, and continued: “I’m serious. That’s what I thought the first time I saw you, but it’s even more prominent now. Your flushed cheeks, tousled curls…goodness in your eyes…

“Goodness in my eyes…?”

“Yes. You are an angel.” 

“I’m not.” He really wanted to dismiss that silly statement with a frown, but couldn’t stop himself from smiling. 

“You are now,” she whispered.  

Josh was never good at taking compliments. Especially when they came from a position of power, which was usually the case, with him being rather…tiny. Christopher used to have a few cute nicknames for him, but eventually stopped using them, convinced that they made Josh uncomfortable. And to tell the truth, they did. Subconsciously, he always fought for dominance and personal independence. It was easy to love someone unconditionally, it was hard to be vulnerable about it. 

Apart from that, no other lover had said anything like that to him before. People do sometimes. Strangers who exaggerate their true emotions because of the momentary excitement stemming from seeing their idol…which is not really him. This was an intimate message, and one he felt comfortable enough to accept, albeit hesitantly. He slowly resumed his pace, closing his eyes and moaning at the sensation, before he continued in a breathy voice: “Probably because you feel like heaven.” 

That’s when he fell.

He was allowed to stand up in the evening and, with nurse’s assistance, made it to the bathroom successfully. They gave him apple puree for supper as a reward, with the promise of solid food for breakfast. Yay for small victories! 

Jake and mom would arrive the next day and the knowledge made it hard for him to fall asleep. He was desperate to see them. 

They moved him to a regular room the next morning, which he shared with a guy in his forties who mostly kept to himself. They wouldn’t be able to talk anyway. So, after a few awkward pleasantries, the man returned back to the story he was reading and Josh resumed his previous activities consisting of staring at the wall or looking out of the window. And waiting. The hours dragged on again, until the most familiar face finally appeared in the doorway. 

He had a smile plastered on his face. The radiant version, with his eyebrows slightly raised. However, the two of them could never lie to each other, and Josh saw worry in Jake’s eyes. He looked very tired, too. 

Jake tried to hide it, dancing into the room and filling it with his own cocky persona, gesturing theatrically. “Weeell, prepare yerself foh some bollocking, ye olde prick. I mean, wha’s all this?” Josh just sighed and smiled back at him wearily, then glanced apologetically at the other guy who looked up from his e-book and was now assessing Jake warily. 

“I’m happy to see you brother, but cut it out. Please.” Josh’s voice still sounded unnaturally croaky, even to his standards. It sobered Jake immediately, and he returned back to his natural, broody self. Remembering too well how it felt when he was in Josh’s place, he opted for sincerity. And so the tired smile was back. He took one of the chairs that stood next to the table and placed it next to Josh’s bed, but didn’t sit. Instead, he looked around, frowning.

“You should have your own room,” he mumbled while trying to open the tilt-and-turn window to let in some fresh air. “I, uhhh...I think I'll go talk to them. This is just… unsuitable. You need rest and privacy. No offense,” he added, turning around to look at the man occupying the other bed, who had no idea what Jake was talking about anyway. He made deliberate efforts to ignore the two of them completely, even though it wasn’t easy. He watched Jake struggle with the window handle for a few moments before he put the e-reader aside, stood up and, motioning Jake to step aside, tilted the window. Then he returned back to bed with a muted voila gesture.

Josh watched the whole show with undisguised amusement, giggling: “See, it has its perks.” He looked at the guy and mouthed a silent Dziękuję! before he turned back to Jake. “Besides, I don’t want a special treatment. Especially now,” he added in a much more solemn undertone. 

Jake looked annoyed and huffed dramatically, but stopped pushing it. Rubbing his chin with just two of his fingertips, he looked lost in thought for a second, glancing at the other guy again. Then he just bent down and pulled Josh in a tight embrace. 

“Ouch, Jake. Easy!” Josh groaned, but his tone was full of joy, and so was his heart. He closed his eyes, letting it run through his veins like freshly filtered blood. He needed this SO MUCH. 

“You really scared me, man!” With the final pat on his back, Jake let go of Josh and helped him back with a grunt. They looked at each other again and both chuckled self-consciously, seeing both their eyes were red now. Jake, after he noticed the other guy trying not to look at them, quickly put his sunglasses back on, earning an annoyed huff from Josh. 

“For fuck’s sake, sit down,” Josh motioned to the abandoned chair to his left. 

“No, this is for mum.” 

“Oh! Where is she, anyway?”

Leaning against the radiator under the window now, Jako answered: “She probably got held up in the nurses’ room, together with…”

Christopher. 

Josh felt like his heart stopped for a second. Christopher stood silently in the doorway, reluctant to step inside, his expression a mixture of resigned sadness and caution. “Hey,” he said at last, the tone of his voice still as soothing as the scent of a cedarwood smoke. 

“Chris…” Josh crooked, but before any of them could say anything else, there she was, first heard and then seen, storming into the room like a hurricane that sweeps you off your feet only to cradle you against her motherly bosom. And that was exactly what she did. “Oh sweetie! We were SO worried!” 

“Mom…” Josh sobbed, grateful that he could disguise all the emotions that started to pour onto the surface with simple joy of seeing her. Nevertheless, he wouldn’t fool his brother. Something was off, and somber-looking Christopher standing hesitantly just nearby wasn’t the only source of all the strange vibrations in that room. But that was expected, and understandable. Surely, it would pass eventually.

“I’m glad you’re ok,” Chris finally broke his silence and moved closer. They weren’t ok, that was more than obvious, but all the things that needed to be discussed could wait. That wasn’t why he came. When Jake called him that the love of his life was lying unconscious half a world away, he didn’t hesitate for a single second. Everything is given its time, and now it was time to hold Josh’s hand. He took it in his, still with hesitancy, and rubbed his thumb gently over the back, careful not to irritate Josh’s scraped knuckles. It was a simple gesture, and Josh understood. He smiled mournfully and Chris let go after a while. Time.

However, even when the talk got more casual and they all started discussing practical consequences of Josh’s injury and the subsequent treatment, the tension still lingered in the air. Chris and Josh kept looking at each other in turns, but never at the same time. Everytime it almost happened, Josh averted his gaze quickly. There was also another silent dialogue going on, as Josh kept trying to tell Jake without words that he needed to talk. 

“Mom? Why don’t you go get some coffee? You look really tired,” he asked, rubbing his own stinking and bloodshot eyes. “Maybe some snacks, too.” It was a strange suggestion, but one shared glance told her everything she needed to know. Motioning to Christopher to come and accompany her, they soon left them almost alone. 

“Ok, spill,” Jake nearly whispered. 

Josh was tearful. “Why is he here, Jake?”

His twin looked at him in confusion. Not even two weeks ago, Josh told him he wished he had him back in his life. Granted, that was before the shit happened and Jake knew they fought over it, but still… It was nothing but an echo of the past, however unpleasant, and whatever they said to each other, it couldn’t have changed his brother’s feelings so drastically.  “What do you mean? That’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Josh, what the fuck does that mean? What was I supposed to do? Or expected to do? I felt bound to tell him what happened, and then he wanted to come. And I was relieved that he did. He clearly still cares. And he definitely still loves you, because he told me! It’s only understandable that he’s a bit reserved. But… Are you not happy he’s here?”

“I am. Of course I am. I just…I…”

“Ok, brother, tell me what happened. Now!”

@its-interesting-van-kleep @edgingthedarkness @writingcold @thewritingbeforesunrise @lvnterninthenight @fleet-of-fiction @takenbythemadness @myownparadise96 @gvfstuddedmajesty @josh-iamyour-mama @jazzyfigz @tripthelightfantastix @sanguinebats @love-isnt-greed @klarxtr @kiszkas-canvas @wetkleenex-gvf

[woozapooza]

ridiculously long Sopranos post I swear I tried to keep it concise but this is as short as it's going to get

One pattern among Sopranos viewers that I find baffling is the veneration of Dr. Krakower, the therapist in “Second Opinion” who tells Carmela flat-out that she’s obligated to leave Tony and refuses to take her “blood money.” I’ve seen him described as one of the only truly moral characters in the whole show, if not the only one. I agree that his integrity is truly admirable, but I think a lot of viewers overstate the value of that integrity. Granted, this is partly just me being the biggest Melfi apologist imaginable (I’ll get to that in a second), but I also think that I have an objectively valid point to make. One of the biggest themes of The Sopranos is how difficult it is to make a substantive change in one’s life, and that’s partly a matter of human frailty, but it’s also a matter of circumstances and environment. The Sopranos understands that, for most people, willpower will only take them so far because people don’t exist in isolation. To take an example from the last episode I watched (6x17, “Walk Like a Man”), Christopher has been trying so, so hard to stay sober, but he ends up getting drunk and murdering a guy, and while that is ultimately on him, it might never have happened if he hadn’t endured years of mockery from the very people who insisted that he get sober in the first place. It’s this interconnectedness, this imbrication of people, that makes morality so complicated—and so insufficient. Virtue and vice are unfortunately never the only factors at play in human behavior.

Bringing this back to Krakower: his integrity is undeniably admirable, but what good does it do? Carmela doesn’t take his advice! I saw a YouTube comment that said that the best thing Dr. Melfi ever did for the Soprano family was to refer Carmela to Krakower, but how can that be, when the net impact of that referral was nothing at all? Is throwing moral clarity at a morally murky situation really the objectively right thing to do, when it’s so unlikely to accomplish anything material? Not to mention Carmela's religion teaches her that she’s obligated to stay in this marriage, which is an absurd belief IMO, but it is her belief nonetheless. Of course he’s not going to get through to her if he doesn’t meet her where she’s at. I’m not saying integrity doesn’t matter. I’m just saying that in Sopranos World, as in the real world, you don’t have a good/bad effect on the world just by having good/bad morals. I think it’s best to have one foot firmly planted in morality while also being willing to engage with immorality, but even that approach to life isn’t guaranteed to do good, because sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it’s out of your hands. The world is just too complicated.

One of countless things I love about Melfi is that she’s one of the few characters who I see making a fairly consistent effort to walk the line between principles and pragmatism. Obviously she makes mistakes, she’s as human as the rest of them, but damn it, at least she’s trying! I think a lot of viewers don’t give her enough credit for that. If Krakower deserves credit for his moral intransigence (and he does!), surely Melfi deserves credit for trying to strike an effective balance. I just don’t understand how viewers of this show, which takes such a realistic look at the limits of how far an innate sense of right and wrong can take you, can see one therapist who tells his patient that she has to do something she’s almost guaranteed not to do because it would be enormously difficult both psychologically and logistically (he tells her to “take the children” and go—how’s that supposed to work? They’re not toddlers who she can just scoop up and carry away!) and then sends her away, and one therapist who tries to build a relationship with her patient through which they could theoretically work together on shaping him into a more functional person, and declare that the former is doing it right and the latter is doing it wrong. Sure, her strategy ultimately fails, but so does his, and I think hers was a lot more pragmatic! It would have worked with a patient who was more willing to try. Like me, for example. I would be the best patient she ever had and I would never let her down and she would be so proud of me.

Okay, I had written some additional paragraphs switching gears and focusing on Melfi’s approach to treating Tony and explaining some of the reasons that I will always stan her, but this post is so long already I think I’m going to end it here. Sometime soon I’ll make a separate post with the Melfi paragraphs. She deserves her own post anyway. Have I mentioned that I love her? Have I ever mentioned that???

[c28hunter]

MY GOD I AM GOING TO KRAKOW

I WILL SEE JOKER OUT AGAIN WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!?