#what the hell that’s not the assignment that’s the gay potion

[cerealmonster15]

jamiazu / ashenviper week day 2: potionology!!!

Ummm teacher why isn’t their nefarious concoction’s smoke cloud turning into a skull and crossbones like the rest of ours 🤨

[beardysuits]

Piece of Jake

Logan has hated his body his entire life. Obese, gay, and a shut in have been a terrible combination for him. He decides becoming his sexy roommate Jake may be just what he needs to build up his confidence.

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I’ve had a crush on Jake for… well forever I guess. I guess that’s one of the perks of being a part of the same class every year since kindergarten; you get to see the cute boys become cute men. Then there was the downside of that, that anybody who bullied you from kindergarten will decide to do it until you graduate. They’ll do it for anything too; being gay, being fat, your race, your wealth. I was lucky enough to get 3 out of the 4 for about 12 years now. However, I’m ready for that to change.

See I was blessed with a fantastic combination of having a slow metabolism, and an anxiety which I decided to soothe with eating. The result has left me to be a 19 year old with a BMI of 42. And yeah, BMI is bullshit if you’re stacked with muscle, but I had the rolls and pudge to prove there was some truth to it. Combine this with the fact that I was more queer than a midnight premier of Rocky Horror, and I came out to be not the most popular guy in school. I thought that would all change once I went to college, but freshman year was hell. I essentially spent the entire time in my dorm room, locked up in the dark and playing video games. But, I guess it wasn’t all that bad.

See, back to Jake. Jake kept his status quo of being one of the top dogs from the ages of 5 to 18. Baseball star, debate captain, and voted “most likely to succeed” by our peers. Top all of that off that he was on of the few people who actually wasn’t a total ass to me, and you can see why I was head over heels for him. He was straight of course, and even if there was a touch of bisexuality in him, he would never be interested in me. Now color me surprised when I found out that not only were we going to the same college, but we got randomly assigned to be roommates in the dorms! I was astounded, it was like there really was an astral force looking out for me. 

So for almost the entirety of our freshman year, we chit chatted here and there, but Jake was almost never home. Instead, he was working to get himself into one of the fraternities and move into the house. While I was sad to not have as much time to admire Jake as I would like, that did give me the opportunity to go through his stuff. Mostly his closet. Jake wore the usual clothes you’d expect, hoodies, jerseys, wrangler jeans and the like. However, being that he was on the baseball team at the college, I found his stash of jockstraps he wore for practice. And good god, thank goodness laundry day was only once a week. The other 6 days I had a full time supply of used jocks to sniff and fantasize with. 

I even tried to put one of them on in a hormone-fueled rage, but my thighs were probably the same mass as his entire body, and I couldn’t get the damn thing on. The longer I admired Jake and saw him for who he was, the more my love for him grew. With that, so did my jealousy. Jake was everything I wanted. He was fit, cool, and could get any guy he wanted if he even batted an eye at them. My time alone did prove to give me an opportunity to do some research however. 

See, I’ve tried for a long, long, long time to get fit on my own. Watching my diet, exercise, starving myself. But, nothing would work. That’s when I started to look for more, creative solutions. I came across a blog hidden deep on the web which talked about taking another person’s form. Most of these seemed bogus, but I had to try. I found one eventually from a user, “Magic_Mann_720” who shared a potion, once which he claimed could turn anybody into a bodysuit. I was about to just toss it aside, but after looking at my desk and seeing the empty bag of McDonald’s staring back at me, I said fuck it. 

In all honesty, brewing a magic potion was easier than I assumed it would be, and after just a few short weeks of waiting for unusual supplies to arrive in the mail, I had a vial of the stuff at my whim. Now, who could I possibly give this to? No, not Jake. But also, maybe? Would that make me the worst person imaginable if I slipped this to him? He was one of the few good people I had come across, I couldn’t betray him like that. However, I saw one glimpse of his jock hanging from his hamper, and doubts crossed my mind. It was staring back at me, taunting me with how tight it fucking was. I had to wear it, and I only knew of one body it would perfectly fit. 

He was like clockwork, especially early in the morning when he made his preworkout and went off to the gym at 6 in the morning. I set my alarm for 5:50, just early enough to slip the potion into his drink before he woke up and set off. It was of course impossible to wake up so early in the morning, but somehow I managed to silence my alarm without waking Jake. 

I fumbled around in the dark and found his shake he made the night before. I had slept with the vial under my pillow, though I could barely sleep from the anticipation of my task today. Being careful to not wake him, I unscrewed the lid, dumped the contents of the vial into the jar, and shook it up. I had just laid back in my bed when his alarm woke him up. I kept my eyes closed, hoping to trick him into thinking I was asleep. I heard him stumble around the room, getting his bearings, getting dressed. I couldn’t resist popping one eye open to see his lithe frame as he found a tank and basketball shorts. 

He was already wearing boxers, but if my plan went accordingly, he never would wear such loose fitting underwear again. I heard him grab his shake, and my heart began to race. The pop of the lid went off, and I strained my ears to listen to him drain the contents quickly and quietly. The lid closed and just as I heard the doorknob turn, there was the sound of heavy stomps. I opened my eyes a bit wider to see Jake stumbling around, trying to get his bearings. 

“Hey… Logan?” Jake said weakly. I pretended to wake up and rose from bed, seeing him lean against his desk. 

“Jake? You okay?” I asked him. He turned his head to me, panting. 

“I d-don’t feel good man,” he said between breaths. “Get.. get help. Help.. me..” He slumped to the ground, and while I anticipated a loud thud as his jock body slammed to the ground, it was a soft thump, like that of clothes tossed to the ground. For a moment, I hesitated to creep any closer, afraid of what I would find. I mustered up the courage to turn on the bedside lamp and found a near horrifying site by the door. 

There on the ground was Jake, but he was flat as a pancake. He arms and legs stretched out, head deflated, and the clothes he was wearing were atop of him in a pile. I tiptoed to the body, already feeling regret in what I had done. Fuck why did I do this to him? Was I really so driven by my own lust I essentially just killed a good guy? 

My own footsteps were much heavier than Jakes, making the floorboards creek. I kicked at the body, the skin feeling as alive as ever, but made no movement of its own. I got on my knees, and with the tips of my fingers, grabbed Jake’s hair and pulled his head up. I was met with Jake’s face, his eyes now hollow sockets and mouth agape. I dropped the skin and scuttled back in fear. Fuck fuck fuck, it’s so god damn creepy! I took a few deep breaths and crawled on my hands and knees to the body once more. 

I tried to be more confident this time, grabbing him by his shoulders, and pulling him up as I struggled to stand. Jake was of similar height to me, so once I was fulling standing, I leaned the face to my mine, the tips of his toes still slumped on the floor. You know, it’s less creepy now. Jake was always a cutie, and even as a husk of himself he was irresistible. It was too late now, and while I felt bad about what I had done, I did it with a purpose. The issue now was, how the hell did I fit inside? Speaking of, would I fit at all?

I pulled at his cheek and found it to be rather elastic. My curiosity piqued, and I pulled at the corners of his mouth, which stretched at least a foot wide when I put some effort in. That gave me an idea. I quickly took off my shirt and briefs, catching my reflection in the standing mirror as I did so. God damn it, I was so fucking fat. My stomach hung out in front of me, almost covering my pathetic cock. Ass was as wide as trailer, neck rolls which made it seem like my head sat straight on my shoulders. Tits bigger than most girls I went to school with. This was my last chance to do something about it. 

I sat on my bed, laying Jake down in front of me like a pair of pants. Stepping one foot into Jake’s mouth, I stretched it further and further until my thick calves were encompassed by his lips. Grabbing at his chest, I pulled him further up my leg, already running out of breath as I did so. This was a workout on its own. I remember watching videos of guys slipping into wetsuits when I was a teenager, it was a slight fetish of mine. I loved seeing the neoprene cling to their slim figures. Those guys would go inch by inch yanking the suit further up them, so I went ahead and mirrored the practice. 

I found doing so actually made the process easier. Soon enough, my foot aligned with Jake’s. I shimmied his calves to match mine, but it was so incredibly tight. It was like my leg was vacuum sealed inside of him, crushing the fat around my leg down to match his. I began to pant, scared I was cutting off all circulation. I was so scared to look down and see something horrific, but shot a glance and was amazed by what I saw. There, my right leg was pristine. It was a mirror image of Jake’s which I had stared at so often when he wore shorts. I wiggled my toes, and Jake’s did the same motion. 

Kicking my leg around, the pain began to subside, and I could see up to my knee, it was like I had worked out my entire life. I could feel the beaming smile creep across my face as I stretched Jake’s mouth open wide again to shove my other foot inside. Now that I had some practice, my left leg was far easier to work with and soon enough, I had two sets of legs which were built from years of baseball practices and running. My thighs proved to be another issue entirely, practically twice the twice of my calves. 

I stood up from the bed, almost falling over from my balance being so off. Grabbing at Jake’s stomach, I jumped up and down a few times, his skin stretching and sliding over me with his lurch. My I stuck my hand down the inside of Jake’s mouth, the feeling of my now erect cock sliding against the inside of Jake. Although I wasn’t generously endowed, it still hurt to have it crushed inside of him. I found Jake’s cock, and while deflated, certainly overshadowed mine in length and girth. With one hand on the outside, and the other inside, I guided mine into his like a sheath. 

It was the most orgasmic feeling I had ever experienced. Jake’s cock went from looking like a flattened worm, to coming to full erection. He was at least seven inches long, and despite mine being half the size, somehow felt like it was filled entirely. It was beet red from anticipation, and while I wanted to cum right here and now, I had to finish what I started. I turned to the mirror once more, and was shocked by what I saw. From the waist up, I was still fat fuck Logan, but from the lower half, I was built like a god damn star. My new cock swung side to side, stiff as a board, and my ass, while squeezed in like a sausage, now was as perky as if I squatted 300 lbs. I turned and slapped Jake’s ass, watching as the taut skin slapped me back. All hints of cellulite gone. 

Finally was the part I was most afraid of, my stomach. It hung over the edge of Jake’s body, the flap of my stomach going over Jake’s lips. I sucked it in, which did practically nothing. Taking one of my arms, I pushed it as far in as I could, and used my other hand to pull the lips of Jake’s mouth up. I groaned in pain, feeling like a rubber band was squishing me in and threatening to cut me in half. Somehow though, his head moved up and moved. It was by inches and incredibly painful. Once I reached my belly button, I found a system to make it easier. Moving him up further and further, I finally reached my chest before I had to fall onto the bed. 

I was breathing heavier than ever, and drenched in sweat from what was left of my original body. I felt Jake’s, and he was as dry as ever, as he would never be worn out from such a task. I counted down from ten and hoisted myself up, catching my sight in the mirror. My moobs hung over Jake’s torso, but it was like I was wearing a skin corset. I rubbed my had over my new stomach, feeling how flat it was. In fact, I would even see the beginnings of a six pack bulging out. It was surreal, I don’t think I’ve been this thing since… ever. I took a deep breath and worked to shove each of my tits down Jake’s mouth. 

Each of them was a chore on their own, but eventually, all that was left were my arms and head. I don’t know how that would work, but if I made it this far, it was certainly possible. It would be tough as I would lose an arm at a time trying to slide them in. Taking my right one first, I wriggled my fingers inside, pushing them down Jake’s like a skin tight glove. With each inch my fingers slid in, it was easier and easier as I gained Jake’s strength. Eventually, the fingers found their way into his. I pulled at his bicep, as stretchy as the rest of him, and snapped it into place, enclosing my arm. 

I rushed to do the same with my left and with my newfound strength, found this section to be the easiest. I was almost done. Jake’s lips were around my neck, and I had to use his fingers to make sure he didn’t choke me. I glanced at the mirror, and found Jake with my head. I turned my body around, admiring his form. I had taken several sneaky glances at him as he changed, but to have full autonomy, to see his tattoo on his thigh, the way his veins popped in his hands, the curvature of his muscles, it was like I was being treated to a feast. 

“Goodbye Logan,” I told myself. I don’t know if I would come back from this. Or, if I would even want to. I took a deep breath and shimmied his head up my own. The same tight sensation took over my entire headspace and it was like a migraine hit me. Using my hands, I smushed my face around, placing my nose into his, eyes, lips. I fluttered my eyelids and had to refocus my vision. Going to the mirror was a picture perfect reflection of Jake. 

“Holy shit,” I said. Oh fuck, that was still my voice. I guess that wouldn’t have changed. I don’t know how I could pull off Jake’s voice, but I would have to practice it. I looked at the corner of my mouth, seeing my original lips peak through Jake’s. I took a finger, stretching and pulling it into place.

There, I was Jake. Fuck I was Jake! I laughed and rubbed my arms across my body, watching as Jake did it in the mirror. 

I spent a good ten minutes trying different poses and watching as Jake bent to my will. Sniffing his pits, making funny faces, bending over and showing off my new hole to myself. That last one sent me over the edge and I knew I had to blow off the steam which had built up. I sat on the bed and hoisted my legs up, cradling the back of my knees in my hands. I could never have even thought about attempting that in my old body, but as Jake, I felt so lithe. My smile was beaming in between my legs as I puckered my hole. I had to see what this looked like. I wanted to see Jake be pathetic now. I twisted my face to match that of so many porn actors I had watched alone in this room. 

“Ohhhh… oh fuck me daddy,” I said, begging, watching Jake’s eyes as they wished desperately for a fat cock to fill him up. I split into my hand and began to pump my new cock, already slick and slimy from precum. I stuck a finger in my mouth and wet it before sliding it over my hole and slicking it up. I had plenty of experience playing with my old hole, but I always struggled to get my arm in a position to really get deep in. Jake didn’t have that problem though. I started to finger fuck myself, watching as Jake became his own bitch. 

“Oh fuck daddy, fuck me. Fuck me!” I yelled, the point of climax racing through my cock before I could even react. Laces of cum shot out and started to drench my body, reaching even to my face and getting into my hair. I pulled my finger out of my hole, let go of my cock, and felt it rest against my thigh. There in the reflection was Jake, covered in his own cum and looking like a bitch. 

I giggled, knowing I should feel far more guilty about what I had done, but too high on my own bliss to care. After bathing in my glory, I decided to clean Jake up and explore his body some more. I grabbed one of his towels and left the room, still naked. Walking down the dorm hall to the bathroom, it was still dead silent. Logan would have been petrified at the idea of being caught naked by somebody, but Jake? Well Jake now hoped somebody would see him and be jealous. 

Getting into the bathroom, I passed by Brad, another guy on our floor, who had a towel wrapped around his waist, still glistening from his shower. 

“Jake, the fuck?” He asked. I couldn’t pull off Jake’s voice yet, but I gave him a pat on the shoulder and winked at him as I pushed past. For a second I caught a glimpse of him checking out my body before he shook his head and rushed out to his room. I went to one of the mirrors in the bathroom and knelt over, posing and kissing at myself. Jake was going to become a lot more playful it seemed. 

I took my time in the shower, feeling every crevice of Jake’s body and feeling myself up. And of course, stretching out his hole some more to work him up to taking a real dick. Maybe by one of his new frat brothers I need to meet. Once I got back to our room, I knew there was only one thing left on my to do list of the morning. I went to Jake’s hamper and pulled out the jock which was mocking me just hours before. I sniffed at, Jake’s pheromones becoming mine. 

I slipped both legs down and had no trouble at all this time adjusting my bulge and feeling the elastic hug my jock thighs. I snapped one of the bands, feeling a sheer run my spine as I did so. Slipping one of his black shirts on, I went for Jake’s phone, which thankfully could be opened with just his face. I snapped a few pictures for myself to look at whenever I pleased. Now, how about we download Grindr to it and see what this new body can pull?

[bluejay-writes]

Heaven is a Misnomer - Chapter 4

Fandom: Shall We Date?: Obey Me! Rating: Teen Chapter 4 Wordcount: 2953 Characters/Relationships: Jake (Exchange student OC) / Raphael Summary: In which Jake learns some interesting things about himself, about covenants and pacts, and about Michael. Notes: Hey fam. How has it been a week already? I'm confused. Anyway, it's Tuesday, so new chapter time! I think this is the first chapter that'll give you a bit of a visceral "oh dear" moment if you've read Devils in the Details. Lemme know if you spot it. XD

You can also read this on AO3, if that's your jam!

First Chapter || Prev Chapter || Next Chapter

Chapter 4: Witching Hour

Shiny’s room was gorgeous. Very pink and flowery. Jake was expecting it to be witchy and gothy like her general demeanor, and it very much was not.  And, thinking about it, that made perfect sense. It wasn’t really her room, it was just the room she’d been assigned for the exchange program.  Jake wondered if over the course of the year it would end up becoming more her style, or if she’d keep it pristine and pink and floral for the mental break it caused to enter the space.

Sitting in her room was Vriyaya, looking more like a human and less like a demon. Jake didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. She was gorgeous either way.

“So, Jake. You say you’re a normal human, right?”

“Yep. Boring inner city kid with a shitty life.”

“Would you be offended if I wanted to test your theory?”

Jake blinked. “You have some kind of test that will tell you if I’m actually an angel or a demon in disguise?”

“Well, yes. But also if you’ve got latent magic. Magic like I use.”

“Wait, you’re not just a witch by religion?” Jake didn’t realize there was any other way to be a witch. He just figured she was Wiccan or Pagan or something and let it go.  It seemed like the sort of thing that the Celestial Realm would begrudgingly let in to prove that their version of religion was right.

Shiny laughed. It was a musical thing, and Jake liked to hear it. “No, I’m a witch because I do the magic shit.  Mostly potions more than like, visible magic things, but I do know how to do a testing array. I at least learned that before I stopped my formal training."

“Formal Training?”

“Yeah, I was learning under someone but she was… well… horrible. So I didn’t get any good fancy magic but I can at least do this, and the other realms let me into their libraries to study sometimes, so…”

“So you jumped at the chance to be away from the mostly boring human realm for a year, and if I want to find you and you’re not here I should look in the library.”

“Oh, he is smart, Shiny, you meant it.” Aya said, and Shiny nodded. 

“Yeah. Very sharp. Thus, I want to test him.”

“Okay, okay, I give.” Jake rolled his eyes. “What do you need to test me, a vial of blood?”

Aya eyed Shiny and grinned with the pointy version of her teeth.

Shiny laughed. “Not a vial, but a single drop will do.”

Jake paused. He’d been joking. “Oh.”

“If you let me bite your finger,” Aya said with a little purr, “It won’t hurt in the slightest, or even scar.”

Jake considered, and then shrugged. “Okay. I mean, if you promise.  Why would you choose to bite me when I could just like… get a safety pin?”

“Because she gets to taste you.” Shiny said, laughing. “See, Aya. I told you.”

Aya sighed. “Yeah, you’re right, my charm really did roll right off him, he is gay as hell.”

“Is hell gay?” Jake said, eyeing Aya.

Aya rolled her eyes “Generally yeah, I mean. We assume ‘yes’ before ‘no’ generally, and that leads to most demons just being open to whatever.”

Huh. Jake thought. The Devildom might be an interesting time for Nia.

“Anyway, so the biting? You want to taste me?”

“I can learn a lot from someone through their blood.  Just like Shiny can do her neat little array and look at pretty lights to learn about you, I get it all from a taste of your blood.  You might be able to fool one of us, but not both of us, is what it basically comes down to.  Someone really powerful might be able to fool both of us, but not both of us and the angels because, well, realm balance and shit. Someone can always tell with their method. And the angels vetted you and called you normal, so if you’re not, one of us can tell.”

“Cool.” Jake said, and held out his hand. “As far as I know I’m totally normal, so bring it. I’d love to learn something new. It’s like 23-and-me except with magic shenanigans.”

Shiny wasted no time setting up her array. It was simple pentagon with some reagents in places and symbols written in places.  As she set it up, she babbled about what she was doing, and Jake was trying to pay attention but he only caught something about “flame-testing elements like in chemistry” because that was his favorite thing about Chem class even despite Mr. Cook’s bigotry. Also his favorite computer game as a kid was an edutainment title that had a big flame-testing puzzle and he loved it.

Once she was set up, Aya took his hand and bit into his thumb with one fangy little tooth.  True to her word, it didn’t even sting. He felt the wet of the blood drip onto the glass microscope slide that Shiny held out, and then she licked the wound with the tip of her tongue and it while it tickled a little, it sealed back up without issue.

Jake watched the colors flare up just like Shiny said they would and even where she suggested they would if he truly was normal.  There was a little something-something going on in blue in a section she had told him would be dark, so that was interesting.

After a moment, Aya shrugged. “There’s some potential for something maybe? Defensive. I mean, it could be that not only are you very gay but you’ve got some kind of innate charm defense.”

“Yeah, the blue in that spot, looks like passive defense. Pretty cool, normie.” Shiny said. “Probably had a magic-type somewhere way back in your lineage.”

Jake smiled. “Oh, well. Huh, that’s neat and potentially useless information. I’m just going to keep telling people I’m normal.”

“You are normal.”

“It’s working already.” Jake said, with a wicked grin that both girls returned.

Aya professed a need for a snack after working her magic like that, and headed out to raid the kitchen.  Jake turned and looked to Shiny, meaning to ask her about covenants. He’d been curious ever since Azrael asked if he’d made one with Michael, and he figured asking his fellow human would hide his ignorance better than other options. Just then, his phone-shaped device (He’s never going to call it a C.C.C. again, that shit is irritating to even think) buzzed with a message.  And then again. And before he could even get the thing out of his pocket, a third time.

“Who even has this number?” He muttered, and unlocked the thing. “Oh, mom maybe.”

He was wrong. The messages were from Nia, of course. Who else?

Nia > Jake: They teleported me in my pajamas. Nia > Jake: It’s Hot Boy Summer. Nia > Jake: [picture]

The photo was of course his bestie Nia, curled up on a bed with a blond-haired green-eyed hottie, against a backdrop of a concerning number of books. It was like Nia’s ideal situation. Excepting perhaps the blonde. She’d always joked that she liked gingers best. Jake whistled, because she seriously wasn’t joking about hot boys. He was seriously attractive, and Jake was envious immediately.

“What’s the message? You’re invested enough you’re ignoring me.” Shiny said, with a teasing pout on her face. “Boyfriend?”

Jake shook his head. “Nah, just my bestie. She’s in the Devildom right now, actually. Sent me a selfie with her newest friend, I guess?”

Jake turned his phone-shape so Shiny could see, and she grinned. 

“Your friend is super cute! Also I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Satan smile, so… hold onto that picture, it might be worth a lot of money someday.”

“Satan?” Jake said incredulously.

“Yep. Avatar of Wrath himself. She’s made powerful friends.  Also, pretty sure that was taken in the House of Lamentation, so she probably knows the rest of the brothers.”

“Huh, cool.  Hey, you wouldn’t want to take a selfie with me to send back?”

Shiny grinned. “You mean a photo of a cute blonde boy and a black girl with epic hair? In trade for a photo of basically the same thing? How could I refuse?!”

Jake laughed, and took a photo with Shiny, the florals of the room in good display as a background.

Jake > Nia: This is the other human exchange student, Cheyenne. Jake > Nia: Envious of your hot boy experiences already Jake > Nia: Can’t wait to hear all about your first day.  Jake > Nia: Mine has been tedious. It’s weird to be normal.

Jake turned back to Shiny, determined to get his questions answered while he felt safe to ask them.

“Shiny, what can you tell me about Covenants?”

“Oh, did someone talk to you about them already?” Her eyes were sharp, and concerned, almost the way Azrael’s had been. He didn’t like it.

“Azrael asked me if Michael had made a covenant with me yet, and I said no, but like, I don’t even know what a covenant entails, and I feel like that’s a very bad thing to be ignorant about while I’m here.”

“You’re not wrong.  Okay. Let’s come at this from a different angle. Have you heard about “making a deal with the devil”? Or like, did you ever watch Supernatural?”

“Yeah, well to the former.  I didn’t watch Supernatural, my dad didn’t think shows like that were acceptable, so…” Ugh, he hadn’t meant to mention his dad. He really didn’t want to talk about what home was like.

“And yet you’re gay. Okay. We’ll unpack that later.” Shiny chuckled, and Jake was happy when she didn’t press it. “So basically, the real life version of deals with the devil aren’t just ‘trade your soul for power’, they’re more the demon binding themself to the bearer, like a loyalty commitment.  Whoever has a demon’s pact mark can generally control said demon, depending on their level of magical prowess and power.  You, for example, could probably do nothing at all with a demon, but having their pact would prevent them from doing anything that would harm you directly. They say it makes them want to protect you, as well, but as I’m not a demon, I wouldn’t know about that.”

“Okay, so what do pacts have to do with covenants, then?”

“Everything. Covenants and pacts are the same thing, with different names.  The symbols one tends to get for a covenant are different, but otherwise they are functionally the same.  Basically just the names are different, and the character set used to mark them.  Kind of like a language diaspora can make differences occur with perfectly identical topics otherwise.”

“Oh, so the human realm has to have our own version of them too, right?”

Shiny nodded. “Contracts, of course.”

“And boring normal humans like me could make a contract, covenant, pact?” Jake asked, trying to figure out how that would work.

“Well, someone could make one with you.  A magic-capable human can make a binding contract, demons make pacts, angels make covenants.  But, the ones with the magic are the ones who are bound by them, not vice versa.  It’s a willing sacrifice of your own autonomy.  I think the fact that humans without magic can’t be forcibly bound to someone is good. And it’s an incredibly intimate thing. Most demons and angels have their own rituals that go along with binding themselves to someone.”

“So how did something like that get twisted in folklore and myth to be ‘trade your soul for power’?” Jake was curious, and Shiny seemed to love explaining things. He was glad he’d asked her about it, and not someone else.

“Well, since the one side is voluntary and holds all the magic, they can ask for anything they want, and bind that into the spell.  Most of the rituals require something to be given.  And demons are very good at getting desperate people to give up just about anything.  I once knew an old woman who had to make a pumpkin pie every day from first harvest until the new year, for a guaranteed perfect harvest every year. It was a lovely bargain, and the demon in question was surprisingly kind, she just loved pumpkin pie more than any other food, and especially that woman’s.  I’d honestly believe that when she dies she’ll have a place in that demon’s house in the devildom. No torture, only endless baking.  That woman would probably find it to be heaven.”

“That is the sweetest story.” Jake said, his eyes misty. “Like, wow.”

“I know, right? Don’t buy into the ‘all demons are evil and all angels are good’. They’re just people. Different races of people, with millenia of bias piled on them.”

“So you’re saying it’s probably entirely safe that my bestie is in the Devildom right now?”

“Yeah, for sure if she’s with Satan. He can be a cranky ass, but he’s mostly just a bookworm with a short temper. If he’s already let her in his room, she’s probably entirely safe.”

Dinner in the dorms was a much more formal affair than Jake was used to, with a set start and end time. It was quieter, less chatter while people ate, because they only had so long to eat before dinner was over.  He worried about Bunny getting enough to eat, but she seemed like she was capable of taking care of herself. The food itself was exactly the kind of weird Jake had been expecting about his time here in the Celestial Realm.  Everything was a different kind of food, but it all had this weird happy vibe to it. Like cloud cakes and Ethereal Buckwheat pasta, and some soup that glowed. They promised him that everything he was eating was entirely safe for humans.  Even Shiny told him about the foods she’d eaten before so he had a better idea of what was actually safe.

And, to its credit, the food was all delicious.  The textures were sometimes a little bit off-putting, but he figured after a year he’d get used to it, right? By the time he went home, even Nia’s mediocre cooking would be such a piece of home that he would cry to eat it.  Not to speak ill of his bestie, but she knew how to cook exactly five things. And they were all acceptable. 6/10 would eat weekly.

Over dinner, Michael lectured them about what the expectations for the exchange students would be over the course of the year, insofar as chores were concerned.  There was a rotation for basically every chore that Jake could think of, and then some that he didn’t even know what were, and was going to have to learn from the few angels who actually lived in this dorm building (Apparently the ones who were in other realms for the program normally lived in these rooms, and did these chores.)

Certainly Jake was expecting the explanations of chores to be rough. He was expecting to have to learn a lot of new things. But basically everything that Michael was saying was couched in weird language that made it sound like it was a choice, and optional, and only for their benefit, but sounded like an absolute drag.  Like the evening seminars, which were voluntary, but so much could be learned, why would you ever skip them?

His mind spiraling on possible absolutely terrible experiences that this year in the Celestial Realm might have in store for him, Jake unintentionally tuned out the last twenty minutes of Michael’s lecture. It wasn’t until Aya was nudging him under the table and he noticed the irritated look on Michael’s face that he snapped back to reality.

“Well, Jacob?” Michael asked, as if waiting for an answer to his question.

Jake blinked at him, for a moment hearing his father’s voice instead of the angel’s.

“Oh, were you talking to me? My name’s Jake. Can you ask again?”

Jake instantly regretted using Nia’s usual strategy of talking back to problematic authority figures at the way Michael’s eyes flashed. It was terrifying, in a way that sent chills down his spine that he was utterly unable to control.

“I was asking if you understood your responsibilities whilst you are here.”

Jake wasn’t sure he could even react with the fear flooding his system, but just as fast as it hit him, it drained away and left him once again in control of his voice.

“Oh, for sure.” Jake said, nodding as if they hadn’t just had a moment in which he was certain he was about to be the victim of an epic smiting. “Don’t worry, I’ll behave.  And besides, you gave me a paper copy of all of the rules—” He tapped the packet, which he liked to think of as his syllabus for existing, and tried to put the smile back on his face. “—Just in case my ADHD is too much and I need to remind myself.”

Michael scoffed and turned back to the room at large.

“Now, usually it will be only the residents of this dormitory who are eating and sleeping here.  However, as I am overseeing the exchange program and am responsible for the safety of our other-realm students, I will be here most days, at least for dinner but often during other times.  Conveniently, one of  my offices is located in the basement of this building, so if you are uncertain as to my location, you can assume I will be working there for the foreseeable future.”

Jake tried not to shiver.  Something about Michael made him intensely uncomfortable.

[sitp-recs]

Hi! Your blog has been the best thing that’s happened to me since starting on my Drarry journey.

My favorite headcannon is like, sexy Draco. Piercings, eyeliner, etc. do you have recs for that? Thank you!

Oh wow, thanks so much for the kind words! I definitely have a few recs with sexy Draco, hope you enjoy these:

The Art of Seduction by playout (2015, M, 2.3k)

Harry and Draco are Auror partners assigned to go undercover at a muggle gay bar frequented by drug-dealing wizards. Everyone knows Draco's gay, but that Harry has been nursing a crush on the pompous arse for years is not so well known. What could possibly go wrong?

Under Your Skin by @p1013 (2020, E, 4k)

He initials another section and flips the page. Being a junior Auror is a lot more grunt work than he expected, and the paperwork isn't even the worst of it. He's also managed to catch intake duty. It's getting close to 2 AM, there hasn't been a single arrest brought in tonight, and he's still got another six hours before his shift is over. Rubbing a hand over his face, he prays for something, anything, to make the interminable evening better.

I'm lying when I'm looking away by InnerLilith (2022, E, 6.7k)

Sometimes it takes a Purim party and a flapper dress for Harry to figure out what he likes. (Spoiler: He likes Malfoy.) Or: Come for the hamantaschen, stay for the sex.

Ocean Eyes by @shealwaysreads (2020, T, 7k)

Pale skin. Grey eyes. Sleek hair. Some things are a constant in Harry’s life, and Malfoy is one of them. Until he isn’t—not the way he acts, and not the way he looks. It might take Harry a little while to get used to it, but eventually he decides that change can be good, too.

Sex on Legs in Six-Inch Heels by Tessa Crowley (2017, E, 9.6k)

Draco Malfoy is a brilliant freelance cursebreaker and the only one who can help the Department of Magical Law Enforcement with a very dangerous case, but more importantly, he's wearing six-inch heels, and Harry cannot handle it, he really just can't.

What Have You Been Hiding Under Those Robes, Professor Malfoy? by @thebooktopus (2021, E, 15k)

After an accidental explosion in the Potions classroom, professors Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy have to utilize the emergency showers at the back of the classroom. Harry is surprised to find that prim & proper Draco is positively covered in tattoos. And… are those nipple piercings? You can probably tell where this goes.

In the Shape of Things to Come by @academicdisasterfic (2022, E, 15k)

Existential angst and chronic boredom are plaguing Harry Potter in his cushy post-war life. However, a chance encounter with a tattooed, pierced, disgruntled Draco Malfoy in the middle of Muggle Camden seems to spark something in Harry again—and he never could stay away from Malfoy.

We Might Be Too Old for a Bildungsroman by @wellhalesbells (2015, T, 21k)

Harry finds something he’s been looking for since the war’s end. Admittedly, the packaging’s a bit odder than he expected.

Here Be Dragons by birdsofshore (2016, E, 21k)

Harry doesn’t want to waste his time investigating illegal dragonhide trading, whether it involves a fetish club in Knockturn Alley or visiting a remote island in Wales. Why the bloody hell does Malfoy always have to be up to something?

Ink (My Skin With Your Name) by Kandakicksass (2019, M, 22k)

Several years after the war, an ostracized Draco Malfoy covers himself in tattoos, becomes best friends with a muggle, and debates abandoning magical society entirely to work in a tattoo shop. All in all, he's having a hell of a time trying to figure out who he is and what he wants to do with his life. The last thing he needs is to run into Harry Potter, who seems intent on becoming his friend, even if he has to get a lot of ink to do it.

[dramioneasks]

HP FESTS: Dramione RomCom Fest (Part 1)

Dramione RomCom Fest 2020:

12 Years and 3 Months by pixiedustandbluebutterflies - T, one-shot - As news of their engagement takes Wizarding England by storm, elusive power couple Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger are finally sharing their love story in this Witch Weekly interview!

50 (First) Dates with Hermione Granger by HufflepuffMommy - G, WIP - Draco Malfoy sets his heart on romancing Hermione Granger, but she has short-term memory loss; she can't remember anything that happened the day before. So every morning, Draco has to woo her again. Her friends are very protective, and Draco must convince them that he's in it for love. Plot (andsummary) taken from the movie "50 First Dates" for the Dramione RomCom fest!

About Time by WordsmithMusings - E, WIP - When Draco's Father reveals to him that the men in their family have the ability to travel back in time, he uses his newfound gift to do many things - save a life, be a better friend, reconnect with a witch, and fall in love.

All's well that ends well (to end up with you) by weestarmeggie - M, one-shot - Hermione Granger is all set to be the maid of honor at her best friends wedding. She is taken back when she finds out that the best man is none other than her ex-fiance.

Away by In_Dreams - E, WIP - Desperate for a change of pace, Hermione unknowingly commits to a home exchange with Pansy Parkinson and finds herself swept up in the chaos of New York City and into the arms of Draco Malfoy. Dramione/Hansy. Loosely inspired by The Holiday.

Bells on a Hill by HeyJude19 - T, WIP - Left by his fiancée a month before the ceremony, Draco never got his dream wedding, so agreeing to assist Granger with her own wedding planning to distract himself from his broken engagement seems like a great idea—though Draco probably shouldn't fall in love with the bride-to-be. Based very (very) loosely on The Wedding Singer.

Chasing the Future by Rdlentz8 - T, WIP - An unusual and anonymous Patronus finds a frustrated Hermione alone in the library and talks to her about being lonely. Could this be the push she's needed to change her fate? Inspired by A Cinderella Story. There are direct quotes from A Cinderella Story.

Domino Effect by KoraKwidditch - M, WIP - Resolved to live her life in Muggle London, Hermione Granger finally felt free. Free from the Ministry, free from her celebrity status and everything that entailed. But who knew that one cataclysmal incident would lead her straight into the Malfoy's den and down a series of unfortunate events? At least they think she's a Muggle.**A Dramione retelling of While You Were Sleeping**

Fairytales and Wishes by Charlie9646 - T, one-shot - All Scorpius wants is for Hermione to be a nice step mother, but somehow that sort of gets lost in translation with his accidental magic.

Flipping Through the Pages by DarkAngelOfSorrowReturns - T, WIP - Draco Malfoy had a fascination with a popular book series and its writer. His life changes when he meets her.

The Hate List by bethelson - T, WIP - While chaperoning the post graduation trip, Hermione and Draco find themselves wandering the streets of Paris in the middle of the night, fruitlessly searching for the seventh years they were supposed to be in charge of. What Hermione doesn’t know, is that those seventh years struck a bargain with Draco to keep her occupied so they could sneak out for a last hurrah before they all head back to London. So in his efforts to derail her search, he convinces her to join him in their own night of frivolity. As they paint the city red, they slowly learn to let their guards down, and find that putting the past behind them allows them to finally focus on the present. ___ My contribution to the Dramione RomCom Fest!

Hollywood & Vine by dreamsofdramione (Bugggghead), msmerlin - M, WIP - As the manager of an occult bookstore currently renting a room from an old friend and living paycheck to paycheck, Hermione wasn’t exactly living the Hollywood dream. But her life is turned upside down when a chance encounter with Tinseltown’s current heartthrob, Draco Malfoy, leaves her questioning everything she thought she knew about life and love. or the one in which Hermione unintentionally falls in love with a movie star.

Home is Where the Heart Is by lrs002 - T, one-shot - A rewrite and Draco/Hermione look at basically the last scenes of the movie Sweet Home AlabamaOr in the other words: The Wedding and the Kiss

How to Lose a Wizard in 10 Days by GracefulLioness - E, WIP - Hermione will do anything to prove to her boss at Witch Weekly that she's ready to take on more serious topics, including dating a man just to drive him away for the sake of her next column, How to Lose a Wizard in 10 Days. But pushing Draco Malfoy away proves to be a challenging task, perhaps because he's got ten days to make her fall in love with him. Inspired by How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

It Happened One Knight by Klawdee - T, WIP - “A spoiled heir running away from his family is helped by an old classmate, who is actually a journalist in need of a story.” Based off of the 1934 film, It Happened One Night

It's All In The Malfoy Family by TwilightToMidnight - M, one-shot - Over a decade of longing and desire comes to fruition one night. Not quite the way Hermione expected but definitely with a bang. Everyone and their dog seem to be working against her. For the 2020 Dramione RomCom Fest. Loosely based off Sabrina (1954 - with Audrey Hepburn).

Love, Actually in Dramione by Blessedindeed - G, one-shot - I absolutely love the movie "Love, Actually" and was so excited to make some art pieces from a few of the more memorable scenes! Many thanks and kudos to QuinTalon & NuclearNik for hosting and being such amazing encouragers to everyone! I cannot wait to dive into all these fun pieces!!

Love, Hermione by pandora_rose_xo - G, WIP - When Hermione leaves some personal letters lying around in a sleepy haze, Dobby comes across them, and trying to be helpful delivers them to their recipients. Who were never supposed to see them.

Metamorphosis by persephone_stone - T, WIP - Draco Malfoy is king of Hogwarts High—student body president, captain of both the water polo and basketball teams, and boyfriend of Astoria Greengrass, the hottest girl in school. That is, until said girlfriend returns from Spring Break with some unexpected news: she’s dumping him for a college boy. Now, Draco is on a mission to win her back. And who better to help him turn into a more intellectual, cultured version of himself than Hermione Granger, the smartest girl in school? As he and Hermione spend time together, will Draco learn how to be the right type of boyfriend for Astoria? Or will he instead learn that maybe Astoria is not the right type of girl for him? Written for the Dramione RomCom Fest, based on the 90’s teen romcom She’s All That.

Midnight in Paris by Aneiria - E, one-shot - ‘Granger,’ Draco replied, casting a quick wandless charm to clean his own clothes. ‘Want to watch the magic you’re casting next time? Whatever spell that was, it nearly took both of us out.’ Hermione’s face settled into a frown of confusion. ‘I thought that was you,’ she said, hesitantly. ‘I wasn’t using magic.’ They both looked away at the same time, taking in their surroundings. ‘Where are we?’ Hermione wondered out loud, as she spun on the spot and took in the sights. It was the wrong question, really.

My Big Fat Muggle Wedding by BiscuitsForPotter - G, one-shot - Draco's gotten more used to having Muggles as future-in-laws, but what about his parents?

No More Waiting by anchoredto717 - T, one-shot - The end of Hogwarts, an impending Mastery, and confirmation that Hermione is well and truly over Ronald Weasley: three factors that push Draco into a place he never imagined. Is he really going to Harry Potter’s house party? A one shot heavily inspired by the 90s teen classic, Can’t Hardly Wait.

Off the Rails by RoseHarperMaxwell - E, WIP - For the Dramione RomCom Fest 💚 My adaptation of the movie Trainwreck (Amy Schumer/Bill Hader), featuring Draco in Amy's role. “Pans.” Draco’s head falls back petulantly. “I can't interview Granger, especially not about how she's healing Potter. Neither of them are going to want to talk to me. Make Creevey do it.” “No, you'll do it. And don't sulk at me, Draco.” Pansy shuts him down immediately, not that he expected to talk her out of it. She gives assignments, not suggestions. “Old Quidditch rivalries. Gryffindor Princess confiding in the Prince of Slytherin, with a side of The Boy Who Lived. You’re the only one for it.” She drops her pen on her notepad with finality. “She’s also fit as hell now. I’d even fuck her, so our readers will be drooling over her. This is easy, Draco. Don’t fuck it up.”

One Thing We've Got by IrisCalasse - M, WIP - Over a decade after the Second Wizarding War, Draco Malfoy is a broke socialite straddling the Muggle and magical worlds. One day a new neighbour moves in his residential complex. What has happened to Hermione Granger to make her hide from Ronald Weasley? If Cormac McLaggen is gay, why is he hanging around Granger so much? And why does her cat seem to know way too much about everything? Based on the plot of Breakfast at Tiffany's, but set in 2012 London with a magical twist. Updates every 16th of the month.

Pin down your heart by hiyas - G, one-shot - Hermione Granger contemplates a door when Destiny comes knocking.

Playing Cupid by tygermine - T, one-shot - Set It Up AU.

Pretty Witch by TakingFlight48 - E, WIP - When confronted with the opportunity to take on an alter ego - Hermione Granger, Potion's Mistress and the Wizarding World's Golden Girl became Vivian Roberts - London's weekend escort. For three years she lived in this duality until Draco Malfoy, lost in Soho and driving a precious DB6, wound up uncovering her secret. This is the tale of Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy finding a balance between work and love through the guise of fake dating, unacknowledged feelings, and Hermione not wanting to let go of a part of herself that is no longer serving her.

Promises, Promises by Musyc - T, one-shot - Lawyer and social work advocate Hermione Granger is one signature away from fulfilling her dream to have a house-elf education program. All she needs is to seal the deal, and Draco Malfoy has promised the full support of Malfoy and Son Developments. But the owner of the property is balking, there's a new buyer in the mix, and a promise isn't a contract.

The Proposal by FaeOrabel - M, WIP - When Head of Creatures Division of the DMLE, Hermione Granger, is pushed into a corner regarding a new marriage law she doesn't want to comply with, she gets the brilliant idea to stage an engagement with her long time, loyal assistant, Draco Malfoy. Draco goes along with the charade on the condition she gets him promoted to a new position. A deal set, they prepare to fool not only the Minister of Magic, but Hermione's best friend, and Draco's entire family. What could go wrong? Just the threat of Azkaban should they fail.

PS I love you by emotionalsupporthufflepuff - M, WIP - After a tragic accident, Hermione must reintroduce Draco to a life they've built far away from home. She recieves unexpected help in a series of letter written by Draco himself before the accident...

Regrets Only by nztina - T, WIP - Draco and Hermione are the best of friends - until Hermione goes off to teach at Hogwarts and Draco realises that he doesn’t just miss her. Upon her return to London, he intends to reveal his feelings, but she has a surprise of her own, one that will definitely put a damper on Draco’s plans. Draco. Hermione. And...Hermione’s fiancé?

Restless in Ripon by QuinTalon - T, WIP - Scorpius Malfoy wants his father to be happy again and as his grandfather often told him, a Malfoy always gets what he wants. A nosy radio host, well-meaning friends, and fate will help bring two lonely souls together. Well, that and one tenacious eight-year-old.

Rushing Back by floorcoaster - M, WIP - Draco Malfoy is thirty, surviving, and very much not thriving. He's near the utter end of himself when he experiences the worst of all possible bad days--a double betrayal that rocks him to his core. Unmoored, untethered, he winds up in a strange place, where he begins an adventure through time that will change the course of his life. A time travel fic with a twist on the movie "13 Going on 30."

Say Anything by MidnightValkyrie - G, 9 Chapters - To know Draco Malfoy is to love him. Hermione Granger is about to know Draco Malfoy. Written and created for the Dramione RomCom Fest, based on Say Anything.

She's the Snake by monsterleadmehome - E, WIP - In a universe where Voldemort never came back, Harry lives with Sirius, and Dumbledore isn't dying, the worst thing the Golden Trio has to contend with is their grades and Quidditch matches... oh, and the recent magical attacks on Muggles and Muggle-borns. Harry is sure Malfoy had something to do with it, and though Hermione doesn't agree, her sarcastic offer somehow turns into her latest nightmare: to go undercover as a boy in the Slytherin dorms and find out what's really going on. And maybe throw a Quidditch game or two. But there's one thing she hasn't prepared for: falling in love with the boy she's supposed to be spying on.

Signed and Sealed by niffizzle - M, WIP - She owns a children's bookstore. He runs a corporation buying significant shares of small businesses. Never in their lives have Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy gotten along — or so they think.

Timing is Everything by anne_ammons - M, 7 Chapters - Draco Malfoy is your average bachelor living an average bachelor's life, until he crosses paths with his former classmate, Hermione Granger. Strike that - when has Draco Malfoy ever been average? A retelling of the 1994 movie, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Dramione-style.

A Trip to Kouloura Beach by rennaissance_woman - one-shot - A day at the beach, what could happen?

The Truth About Kneazles and Crups by samkablam7 - T, WIP - When Draco Malfoy started hosting his wizarding radio show The Truth About Kneazles and Crups, he had no idea that it would bring Hermione Granger back into his life. He also didn't know that they would both be interested in each other. The only problem? She thinks that the radio host she's interested in is his best friend and Pro-Quidditch-player-wannabe, Blaise Zabini.

Untitled Marital Crisis Comedy by Darlingheart - G, one-shot - Draco is rich, handsome, and most importantly, excellent with the ladies. Harry Potter is not. Which is where Draco comes in. With Draco’s help Harry will learn there’s more to life than being a one-woman man. But what happens when Draco meets someone who changes his mind? And what does Hermione Granger have to do with it...

A Woman of Some Dignity by mcal - G, one-shot - That seemed to get his attention. “What are you—of course I respect you, you daft witch!”

“Your actions today show the opposite!” I answered. “And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m a woman of some dignity and I’d like to shower in peace. You’ll kindly wait half an hour before Apparating back to my flat.”  Hermione's not one for diaries, but it's been a week to say the least. It all started off with a confusing meeting with Draco Malfoy in her office, and... well, Hermione thought maybe recording her thoughts on the events would help her process. She isn't wrong.

You lost and lonely, You just like heaven by Wake_The_Dragon - T, WIP - Dramione Romcom Fest. Hermione Granger had needed something new and a change of scenery was a good start. What she hadn't counted on was renting a flat with an annoying (if handsome) ghost, who claims he isn't dead. Somehow, helping out a ghost and falling in love were two things she hadn't bargained for.

You Wish by Talonwillow (Ehollis303) - T, WIP - What makes a bad case of "Black Cat Flu" more tolerable? Young Perseus is learning that hearing about dueling, torture, revenge, giants, dementors, chases, true love, and miracles from his Grandfather Scorpius certainly makes things easier- If the man would finish the story that is. A story about love, where not even death can keep the beautiful feisty stable-girl and her sometimes irritating one true love apart. Together they must battle the evil Lord Voldemort through an adventure crossing the magical and fairy tale realm.

[marauders70s]

a collection of dumb hp-p&r text memes

dumbledore, gesturing: could a depressed person make this???

mcgonagall: your hand is literally rotting off

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harry: sometimes I feel like arguing with you is like arguing with the sun.

hermione: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM SUPER CHILL ALL THE TIME.

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pansy: you look awful

draco: what up bitch i just ran a 5k

pansy: really?

draco: no i threw up blood in the shower

pansy: that fight with potter really got ya down huh

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harry: hey ron are you okay

ron, wearing the locket, staring straight ahead at a tree: yeah i'm fine it's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired.

harry: hermione it's your turn

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sirius, at any minor convenience: everything hurts and i'm dying

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goyle: I once knew a guy for seven years and never learned his name. best friend i ever had. we still never talk sometimes, because he's dead.

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oliver: sometimes you gotta do a little work so you can ball a lot.

mcgonagall: that is incorrect

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james, during house arrest: If I keep my body moving, and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

lily, from the couch: oops

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snape, at a christmas dinner: I can still smell her hair at night

dumbledore, pouring a generous amount of mulled wine: Put some alcohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.

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ron: hermione, i'm not using your color coded talking planner

hermione: we need to get good grades on our OWLs!

ron: there's nothing that could motivate me to use it

hermione: well, there's nothing we can't do if we work work hard, never sleep, and shirk from all other responsibilities in our lives.

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harry: Professor, I wanna go home early. Ooh, hold on actually, hang on. Yeah, no, I wanna quit and never come here again.

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ron: i'm going to tell you all my secrets

hermione: you don't have to do that

ron: I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks

ron: I didn't actually break charlie's wand all the way I just hid it and forgot where

ron: I don't know who scrimgeour is and at this point I'm too afraid to ask.

ron: when they have 2 sickles a scoop on salamander eyes i'm not sure where the rest of the salamander goes

ron: when i was a baby fred turned my teddy into a spider and i got so scared my mum took me to a mindhealer and they wrote a textbook about me

ron: i once threw a garden gnome so hard that it hit my sister in the face and began attacking her

hermione, looking up from her book: what did ginny do?

ron: she bit it and it ran off.

hermione: classic

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severus: no matter what i do nothing bad can happen to me. i'm like a white wizengamot official who pretended they were mind-controlled after the fall of the dark lord

lucius: I resent that

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sirius: thank merlin my great uncle alphard just died so I am fluuuuusheeeeeed with galleeeeooonsss

remus: I'm going to regret this flatshare

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seamus: i passed up a gay halloween party to see this troll. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Peverell Brothers make out with three Viktor Krums. It was amazing.

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luna: We need to remember what's important in life. Friends, unpredictable creatures, and school. Or unpredictable creatures, friends, school. It doesn't matter. But school is third.

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tom riddle: I totally hear you, but I also don't like what you're saying. So if you say no, I will release a giant snake in the bathroom

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luna: would you like some -

hermione: no! I am going to run for minister of magic someday, so no, thank you. I mean, not that I haven't - I ate a brownie once at quidditch cup party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any potions in the brownie, it was just an insanely good brownie.

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sirius: do i look like the kind of person who drinks water

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neville: flying is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but merlin, at what cost?

ron: okay, you don't have to join the pick up game -

neville: no no i want to be included. i'll come

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james: What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.

sirius: that's not right

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mcgongall: I think you’ve got several options. They’re all terrible…but you have them.

peter: this career counseling session is getting a bit intense

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neville: how are you handling the...breakup...

ginny: I’m gonna buy some sweat pants and a Gilderoy Lockhart novel. Might as well lean into it.

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dumbledore, in the staff room, extremely intoxicated: Who hasn’t had gay thoughts?

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james: Goodbye, Lily Evans, my head girl partner. Hello, Lily Potter, my fallopian princess.

lily: i should have never married you. or at least made you wear a condom

james: what's a-

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sprout: I’m a simple lesbian. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and man-killing plants.

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sirius: A couple more rules: if you ever read a sad book, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you’ve been crying. There’s no noise allowed on Mondays. And no magic after breakfast.

peter: er i'm sorry this was the dorm assigned to me...

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remus: Hogwarts Library is headed by the most diabolical, ruthless bureaucrat I’ve ever seen. She's like a death eater but instead of avada kedavra and crucio she uses shame and shhhing.

james: she wouldn't let him into the restricted section without a note

remus, choking back tears: I AM A PREFECT

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pansy: I have never flown the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.

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hermione: If I had a stripper’s name, it would be Equality. for house elves and all beings.

ron: if i had a stripper's name it would be sugar striped candy pole for my -

harry: hermione, DON'T -

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sir cadogen: You know, in the 1880’s, there were a few years that were pretty rough and tumble here at Hogwarts. This depicts kind of a famous fight between Morpheus Rane, a prefect in Slytherin house, and Wilhemena Batlock, a Hufflepuff seventh year. The original title of this painting was ‘A Lively Fisting.’ But y’know, they had to change it for…obvious reasons.

---

bellatrix, in the afterlife: i regret nothing. the end.

---

harry: I don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like a hundred years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life.

tofty: I'm sorry but you WILL have to repeat your history of magic OWL

---

james: Lucky for me, I’ve processed all my feelings. And I’ve gone through the five stages of grief - Denial, anger, picking on Peter, cat adoption, reckless dueling, cat returning to the adoption place, reading all Martin Miggs books in the series (what i was picking on peter for actually), and not giving a flying fuck.

remus: you can't say fuck

james: oh great i'm going to have to start the process all over again.

remus: peter, you'd better run

---

dudley: I’m allergic to magic candy. Every time I eat more than 80 sweeties I barf.

fred: how about...81

---

sirius: I’ll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around, please.

remus: this is why we can't date in public

---

neville: I’m gonna get drunk and then I’m gonna order a three course meal where each course is made of dessert.

---

arthur: I promised myself I was not going to cry tonight, and I’ve already broken that promise five times. But I will not break it a sixth.

bill: dad maybe you shouldn't give a toast while fleur's family is still here

---

gilderoy: I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I’m doing it really, really well.

---

pansy: Use him. Abuse him. Lose him. That’s the Parkinson motto.

draco: I thought the Parkinson motto is don't look at me you whore.

pansy: the motto is really more like a chapter book.

---

harry: You’re ridiculous and pureblood rights is nothing.

voldemort: wow

---

tonks: I would like a glass of red wine and I’ll take the cheapest one you have because I can’t tell the difference.

sirius: cheers i'll drink to that

remus: put. the bowl. down.

---

eh, and just one for the road: “I wonder who else was born in Eagleton. Voldemort, probably.” – Leslie Knope

[hlvrai-but]

Long Master Post!

Under the cut! 0/_ endings complete.

Welcome To Hlvrai-but!

In this au everyone is based off something like an angel or demon, etc.

This is a HEAVILY ask based blog. Nothing will really happen without asks.

This will go on some triggering subjects, gore, fire, etc... I’ll tag the posts the best I can! If I forget please send a message (not an ask) telling me!

In this master post I will tell you what everyone is, with refs :) (Discord server Invite at the end)

BENREY BENREY BENREY BENR-

-Imp  -Lives to annoy whoever he is assigned to and eventually make them kick the bucket -Assigned to Gordon Freeman -Doesn't actually want Gordon to die -he/him -Likes to hang out in the bathroom -Only visible to humans if he chooses to make himself seen. -Best friends with Tommy -Lives with Gordon Freeman

TOTALLY NOT BENREY

-TOTALLY not an imp DEFINITELY an angel -TOTALLY doesn't like annoying people -TOTALLY just here to help 💙 -TOTALLY your best friend :) -TOTALLY he/him- wait thats actually tru-- I MEAN YEAH OF COURSE..... -TOTALLY a nice boy <3 the best <3 -Lets go to heaven, Gordon!

GORDON FREEMAN

-Human -Literally just trying to raise his son, Joshua, he's.. he's tired -he/him -Questioning if his son is okay because he constantly talks about seeing dead people- but he just assumes he's pretending -Totally doesn't Twitch Stream once Joshua goes to bed -Avoids his bathroom unless it's necessary to actually go in there -Gay. Christ this man is gay. -Everyone assumes he has a job but no one has been able to figure out where -This man just needs a nap :( -Your average young adult father who wears hoodies and t-shirts with khakis or sweatpants and tells dad jokes left n' right

JOSHUA FREEMAN

-HuMAN CHILD. pretty sure... -Still obsessed with cowboys! and ghosts! -he/him -Tells his dad about his friends but his dad always plays it off like they're imaginary.... they aren't >:( -Can he still foghooorn??? ye s s s s . Does his dad know??? ....no. -Tiny, but a wee babe. just kidding he's like 8. -HE OWNS A FREAKING COWBOY OUTFIT. HE OWNS A COSTUME! HE AAAAA-

TOMMY COOLATTA

-Angel -He/Him -Best friends with Benrey. -Related to Gman somehow... No one is quite sure how.. -Hangs out with Joshua when he has the time. -Has another form but he doesn't like to use it. -The stickers are from Benrey. -Smarter then he looks.

SUNKIST

-HUGE -Guards the gates of Heaven -Angel doggo -Doesn't trust Benrey -Good doggo

BUBBY

-Demon -Fuck gender -Married to Coomer - F I R E ! -Can and will drag you into hell -Cool with Benrey

HAROLD COOMER

-Angel -He/him They/Them -YOUR GRANDPA NO QUESTIONS ASKED -Married to Bubby -Sometimes goes with Tommy to see Joshua -”Benrey! Get out of the bathroom!”

FORZEN

-Reaper -Swears his Scythe is real...  -He/him -Doesnt hate Benrey as much as Benrey hates him -Hates it in Purgatory but hangs there with Gman anyways

DARNOLD

-Angel -He/Him -Cool with almost everyone -He makes potions :D -Cupid exists. And Darnold works for him.

Gman

-Related to Tommy -???

Discord invite

[drarryspecificrecs]

2019.10

Top 9 longest fics posted on AO3 this month

1. Two to Shore by Lamplighter [M, 204k]

►Harry and Draco meet in Madam Malkin’s and instantly take a liking to each other. Just kidding. They don’t, but Harry does get sorted into Slytherin, and they do become extremely good friends.

2. Let It Fall by @buildyourwalls [E, 116k]

►Draco doesn't think he can ever love another person as fully and fiercely as he had with Astoria. Until a newly divorced Harry Potter comes to her funeral and changes everything.

3. Harry Potter and The Depressed Gay Dragons by @pussypetal [M, 110k]

►When post-war Harry can't take the sterility of life in Scotland anymore, he opts for the next best thing: a summer vacation of dragon taming in the Himalayas. Inevitably, he runs into a whole series of the unexpected, including some exquisitely odd people, Draco Malfoy's floral leggings, yoga to heal - and of course, the bluest parts of himself. But Harry's not depressed. And neither are the dragons he's taming. They are gay, though.

4. Fatum Amare by @danfanciesphil [E, 96k]

►Ten years after the Great War, Harry is living a reclusive life as a part-time Potions Professor at Hogwarts, the place he's always called his home. He barely sleeps, is constantly hiding from harems of fangirls, and is usually running late for something, but he's fine - really. Things could be so much worse. That is, until Draco Malfoy, his old arch nemesis, plummets back into his life, behaving bizarrely and actually apologising for things he's done in the past. [...]

5. Seek and You Shall Find by CaelynAilene [G, 94k]

►Draco has disappeared in the States after his year of house arrest has ended. Unforeseen circumstances lead Harry to volunteer to go find the blond. Two men, one in disguise, trapped in a cabin in the woods by illness and a blizzard. What will happen?

6. Conflicted by @devilrising [E, 63k]

►Draco returns to Hogwarts for Eighth Year feeling miserable. His life takes a turn when he is paired with Harry for an assignment, and everything changes. But will Draco always be so conflicted about Potter?

7. The Cat Is In The Bag by MinnieTex [M, 49k]

►He was glad his mother had left him alone because him talking to a cat might push her to start strongly suggesting that he visit a mind healer again. Shrugging his shoulders Draco decided to embrace the madness. There were worse things than attributing human emotions and behaviors to random black alley cats.

8. At The Beginning With You by @jet-playin [E, 41k]

►There was a time, not so long ago, when we lived in peace. The year was 1988 and my husband, Lucius, was a respected war hero. We were celebrating the fifth anniversary of the fall of Lord Voldemort and, that night, no star burned brighter than that of my sweet Draco, our darling son. Lucius, fearful of vengeful Death Eaters, arranged for us to depart for Paris shortly after the ball but Draco begged to stay. So, I had a special gift made for him, to make the transition easier, for both of us.

9. Let it burn in hell by ImmortalAcorn [M, 40k]

►[...] Draco hates the stupid diary and he will not be caught dead writing in it.

---

※ Fics from H/D Fan Fair 2019 are listed elsewhere. ✔ other lists : monthly || daily (OCTOBER)

[livralph]

Self control i

~ Wolfstar fake dating au ~

“This will end in disaster.”

“It won’t end in disaster!”

“Well it cant end well.”

“It could end well!”

Lily sighed. “It was still a bad idea.”

“What part of this was a bad idea?” Remus’ voice had steadily been becoming louder since they’d started talking, and it had finally reached a point where students around them seemed to be listening in rather than reading whichever books they were studying from.

Lily grabbed Remus’ sleeve and pulled him to a corner of the library near the very back that was practically always empty. Not many people had even stepped into the entire section dedicated to flobber worms.

“Remus, do you really think this can end in any other way that him finding out?” Lily’s eyes were wide and pitying.

He winced and pulled a face as if he was trying to convince himself that it would all be okay, that he could hide the way he felt about Sirius in their new arrangement, but he gave up and buried his face in his hands. He’d spent all day thinking of ways this would end well and all of them had major downfalls. “I know your right, Lils. I know. It’s just that... I can’t say no to him. You know I can’t. He asked for a favour...” Remus was searching her face for some sort of understanding, which he did find, accompanied by, yes, that would be pity.

She breathed in deeply then shrugged. “It is what it is, right? And it is utterly stupid for you to have agreed to pretend to date the guy you actually are in love with.”

“I know.” He groaned, then took his hands from his face to look at Lily again, a teasing smile in place on his face. “Anyway, I don’t know if you can talk. Aren’t you still pretending that James is your least favourite person in the world?”

Lily went bright red then hit Remus lightly on the arm. “Stop changing the subject.”

“No. Please change the subject we have a potions essay due tomorrow and I’ve helped Peter and Sirius finish theirs pretending I’d done mine.”

~~~

Remus wasn’t quite sure why it had happened. It was after the moon. He was out of the hospital wing late at night, preferring to sleep in his own dorm, surrounded by his best friends. He’d gotten back to the fat lady’s portrait, said the password. Walked past a few people still finishing homework, then up to the boys dorm. Walked to his trunk, changed into pyjamas. Brushed his teeth, gotten into bed. The usual routine. He’d expected to take the usual two hours more to get to sleep in peace.

Then Sirius was pulling back the hangings around his bed just enough to climb in beside Remus. For a moment Remus had thought it was a dream so he turned onto his side to face Sirius, who was facing him. When he felt a twinge on his side from last nights injury he realised that, yes, this was real and, yes, Sirius was currently so close to Remus face that he could feel his breath fanning over his lips.

Sirius pulled his wand from under the duvet and cast a wordless charm which, Remus assumes, would drown out any sound that came from within. “Hi.” Sirius said with a shit-eating grin on his face either meaning he was completely aware of how little his friend was breathing, or that he was completely oblivious and has a plan. Remus had severely wanted it to be the latter.

“Hi.” He replied, realising Sirius had said something and he certainly would realise that Remus felt completely incapable of anything in that moment if he didn’t reply

“I need a favour.”

Remus felt his breathing stop entirely for a moment.

Sirius swallowed, smile faltering a little as if he had decided that this was not a good idea.

“What?” Remus said when there had been a minute of silence. “Whatever it is I’ll help.” He winced internally. Probably not the best thing to say, however true it was.

“Okay.” Sirius nodded, rolling onto his back. “Shit. Right. Okay. First thing is, I’m gay.” He stopped there for a second and before he had any time to even process it he was continuing. “I told my parents this summer, which was why I left, they got about ten times worse than they had been. James and his mum and dad- my mum and dad now- know too. That’s what had happened when we sent owls to you and Peter at three in the morning telling you to come over. I wasn’t really ready to tell you both yet but... y’know.” Sirius looked over at Remus, who nodded, understanding not being ready to tell friends- however close and accepting. He’d told Lily months before he’d even thought of telling anyone else.

“Second thing.” He continued, looking back up at the ceiling. “You came out near the end of last year. Everyone knows your bi. That’s...” Remus could see something in Sirius’ expression that he couldn’t quite understand. “It’s amazing, Re. Really. No one in our school was openly anything and then you just came out and then there was that group of girls a few weeks after you and a few other guys. It’s just incredible.” Sirius hand found Remus’ under the duvet but he didn’t say anything about it, so neither did Remus. “Incredible.”

Remus smiled sheepishly, feeling heat rise up his neck. He tried to pretend his heart wasn’t beating higher in his chest than it ever had before. “You, um.” He cleared his throat, which suddenly felt constricted. “You had a favour to ask me?”

Sirius tightened his grip on Remus hand slightly. “Yeah. You don’t have to do it, you don’t have to say you will if it’ll make you uncomfortable. Will you pretend to go out with me? Just for a few weeks. Just so I can come out. Because I don’t want it to be this thing that float around as a rumour that’ll get warped and retold until it’s completely untrue. Nothing big. Just fake dates, small couple things. Nothing that makes either of us uncomfortable. You don’t have to do it.”

Remus wasn’t speaking. His mind was running over everything Sirius had said in the past few minutes. He was gay. He thought Remus was amazing for coming out. He was asking Remus to fake date him. As if that was an easy decision to make. As if Remus wasn’t currently holding Sirius’ hand and feeling as if he was walking through a dream so, so close to one he’d had so many times. As if Remus could ever say no to him, especially under such circumstances.

Maybe he’d waited to long to reply, he probably had. His thoughts may have felt like they were going at a million miles an hour but in reality they were not and minutes had definitely passed since either of them had spoken. Sirius was pulling his hand from Remus’ taking silence as his way of saying no. “It’s fine. You don’t have to. It’s kinda stupid anyway- I’ll find another way to do it. Something like that Hufflepuff girl did the first day back after summer. Y’know, sending a howler to the great hall saying she was gay then walking through the door with her robes dyed rainbow. Sort of disappointed I didn’t do that now. But I’ll-“

“No- Sirius.” Remus said, reaching out for Sirius hand again. “I’ll do it. Start tomorrow?” He said it as if it were business or some homework assignment rather than what it was. He had to. If he hadn’t he’d probably have cried instead, and that would have been worse.

Sirius grinned, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Of course.”

~~~

Remus woke up wondering if last night had even happened. Maybe it was some weird dream he’d had while drugged up on Madam Pomfrey’s healing potions. An ominous sinking feeling in his stomach made him think otherwise. As did the curtains being thrown aside by a very, very buzzed Sirius black who was holding liquid eyeliner in his hand and grinning wildly. “merlin, Pads. How many coffees have you had this morning? Actually, no. Tell me what time it is and then answer.”

“Seven.” Sirius beamed. “And two. Or three. Or four.” He furrowed his eyebrows. “One of the three.” He shrugged. “Anyway, Lily said your literally the best person at eyeliner in the whole of Hogwarts. So please help me I’ve stabbed myself in the eye six times and it looked awful.”

Remus sighed, rubbing his eyes, then sitting up in his bed. He waved a hand, motioning for Sirius to sit down in front of him. He did so, legs crossed with his knees touching Remus’. Sirius passed over the eyeliner bottle.

Remus took the lid of then traced Sirius eye with the brush, telling him to keep his eyes closed once he was done on one eye before moving onto the next. When he finished, Remus didn’t move away, using the excuse of making sure the makeup was perfect to be close to Sirius in private. It only lasted a second because James was pulling open the bed hangings, words half way out of his mouth when he saw the boys, inches apart from each other in a seemingly very intimate way.

“Oh.” James said, not moving. He looked to Remus, who had one hand cupping Sirius face and the other resting on it, eyeliner brush a few centimetres off his face. Then he turned to Sirius, who hadn’t opened his eyes, but did slowly turn his head to be facing in James’ general direction. “Wait, Remus how the hell did you do that?” Remus shrugged, closing the eyeliner -now now touching sirius’ face- and taking his wand and waving it at Sirius face in a short complicated hand movement.

Sirius shuddered a little then muttered, “can I open my eyes now, Re?” His hand had slipped to be resting on Remus lower thigh. Somehow, he hadn’t noticed this until Sirius squeezed it once, making Remus jump.

Remus briefly wondered whether they were playing up the couple thing for James too, or if this was just their normal now. If it had always been their normal, but he’d only just noticed because he was hoping beyond everything that Sirius could possibly like him back. Before he wouldn’t even allow himself to think about it, well, not consciously. His dreams were sadly ruins his control. “Go for it. And you’ll have to ask me to take it off because I found this charm for Lily a year or two ago that makes it so it is waterproof, and so it doesn’t smudge.”

Sirius smirked, “not the only thing I’ll ask you to take off, babe.” He followed this up with a wink.

Remus was going to die. He put his head back on his pillow and buried his face into it, groaning loudly. To James this probably seemed to be because he was embarrassed by his boyfriend, but it was actually because he now had the memory of Sirius Black actually saying those words to him. The two of them were howling with laughter. After a few seconds of hearing this Remus sat up, intertwined his fingers with Sirius’, smiled unsettlingly sweetly at him then said in a low voice, “if you say things like that around our friends, babe, then maybe I won’t take anything off you.”

Yes. Remus was going to die- and by the way James was laughing so hard that he was just wheezing, he already was. At that moment Peter chose to walk in the room, robes on and toothbrush in his moth. He froze at the sight in front of him. First he looked at James, then Remus, and lastly Sirius, who had swallowed thickly at his fake boyfriends words and then nodded solemnly. However sincere this seemed, he doubted it would actually happen, seeing as Sirius was the biggest drama queen in the world. The previous year Dumbledore had rewarded points to him on five separate occasions for making such a show of pretending to be disappointed by recieving yet another detention. (McGonagall had removed the points immediately, but the thought was there.)

So, based on this, yes. Remus was going to emotionally die.

~~~

He’d told Lily that afternoon it was fake. She’d barely opened her mouth to say how good it was for him when he told her. He couldn’t deal with all of his close friends telling him how amazing it was that they’d ‘finally gotten together’. Sitting in the common room with her at three in the morning while sharing a blanket and a pot of tea a house Elf had offered to bring was much more therapeutic than lying awake in his bed listening to James try and weasel details about how they’d started going out from Sirius. Lily and Remus hadn’t spoken about it since the library earlier, instead discussing class and a muggle book they’d both read.

They were both ignoring it- the elephant in the room. And eventually Remus was going to talk about everything Sirius said and did the previous night. He knew it. All he’d told lily was that he’d asked for a favour and that favour was fake dating. He hadn’t told her about the hand holding. Or the faces inches apart. Or the strange atmosphere in his bed before James threw open the curtains, and for a few seconds after.

He knew Lily wanted to talk about it, she just wasn’t bringing it up. She wanted to ask why he’d said yes again, why he’d agreed to put himself through something that would so obviously hurt him. It was obvious in the way she was only talking about spells and potions and magical creatures, rather than students and friends.

“Ask what you want to, Lils.” He finally said, as she was halfway through the symptoms of doxie poisoning.

Lily let out a heavy breath. “You know me too well. I can’t hide anything from you.” She huffed again.

“Same goes for me.”

Lily didn’t respond, instead staring at the fire. “How did he ask, Re? You can say no to Sirius. You’ve said no about so many pranks, plans, ideas, everything. Why not this?”

Remus told her what happened, how they’d been so close that he could feel the heat radiating from Sirius body, how they’d been holding hands, how everything made him feel more in love that he constantly did. How if he’d moved himself less than two inches closer together they could have kissed. “He was lying their waiting for me to say something. Holding my hand. I can say no to pranks, Lily, things that aren’t plausible or could hurt people. I can’t say no when he’s vulnerable and needs nothing more than some help. I always have to help him.”

Remus had silent tears travelling down his cheeks and he pressed his face into her shoulder. “I needed to do this. For- for him.” He swallowed, trying to keep his voice steady. “He’s helped me so much. So much. He deserves the same.”

“I know.” Lily muttered, putting her arms around his shoulders and hugging him tightly. “I know, Remus... but you shouldn’t help him when the only collateral damage is going to be you.”

[nochiquinn]

campaign 2 episode 89: The Gang Assaults the Elderly

I love when they all just do reaction grunts

they all need naps so bad

creepystore

samuel

kiiiiriiiii

jestER

sending does psychic damage when jester uses it

jester triple texting the hitman assigned to kill her

what the fuck does liam's shirt say, it's giving me a migraine

(it's "sad wizard vibes" but that is a poor font choice)

AU where caleb didn't get tapped for muderdeathkill training and just had a happy college experience

everyone has new accessories and I feel so creepy for noticing

my favorite part of widofjord scenes is marisha looking awkward in the middle

liam what the FUCK

fjord gets arrested for church crimes

headcanon: the bone flute sounds like an otomatone

I just zoned all the fuck the way out

"somebody knows" somebody had to do it

thanks jester I didn't need my heart

the sheer chaotic energy of this conversation

jester develop a sense of boundaries challenge

travis and matt having a silent conversation of "why is sam like this"

travis is gone

"that wasn't spittake-worthy, motherfucker"

taliesin nodding directly at the camera

"he was basically a god" "he wasn't"

taliesin's face

"this is what happened to my christmas break"

awww

"what's assault"

this is how I play skyrim

how do you do fellow kids

same energy as "I need a small boy"

oh god I just realized jester is gonna try to leverage the gentleman's name at some point

this will end well

this is an upsetting visual

it's called WHAT

jester

travis

everyone was too happy, liam's turn

new spell: Widogast's Poor Decisions

astrid wants to speak to your manager

oh eek

okay look I WANT to believe the other kids are indoctrinated and can be broken out the way caleb broke out. but also I do not want caleb around them until they reach that point bc hhhHHHHH

oh this is some hardcore justification

"I have done terrible things but it was For The Greater Good so it's okay"

like they were KIDS. trent took literal children and broke their minds and put them back together wrong. I can't 100% blame them and I want them to get the same chance caleb got.

liam did you just

oh it's rome

awww, breaus

laura: I'M RIGHT AND I WILL PROVE IT

I zoned out, I'm just getting vague FMA vibes

"I push it back in -" "DONPUSHITBACKIN"

The Traveler is a Slut

hot brown morning potion

yasha how are you so bad at this

I am not going to retain any of this fight. it is 1 am. let me sleep.

remember in c1 when they were trying to cast spells from the crowd? and also vex flashed the other guy trying to distract him? this is the energy I expect from this fight.

the way sam rolls dice enrages me

is. is that actual "gravel" on the map.

illegal fight pits are beau's favored terrain

pop pop to pop-pop

The Gang Assaults A Senior Citizen

rip pop-pop

those stacked bets feel really bad now

paladin on paladin violence

what in hell

that's just impolite

excuse

"fjord's the grampa in this fight!"

him out

rip

"you missed my fight?"

poke the bear a little harder, yasha

yasha smile

this is the first not-desperate fight she's had on her own terms in a while

yasha is gonna gay this woman to death

yasha that's GAY

"do you feel intimidated?" "YEAH"

"I ruin people" ash

"no, I'm just lying"

"ROBBIN' THE HAT STORE"

hatdrinking

[bazypitchandsimonsnow]

Bad Hair Day

Rating: T

Genre: Humour/Mild Fluff

Word Count: 2070

Summary: Baz runs out of hair gel. Simon doesn't know how to deal with it. Based on "Simon has a gay freak out over Baz's messy hair" request.

Read on AO3

AN: This was a very specific request, and I changed a few things, but it follows the spirit of the idea. Enjoy! :)

———————————————

Baz

Snow thinks my morning routine takes too long. But he doesn’t understand how much it takes to look this good. A long shower, good products, attention to detail, it’s all necessary. I have a reputation to maintain after all. Snow doesn’t care at all about his appearance. Unfortunately, he doesn’t need to, he always looks incredible. Beautiful tosser.

I’m currently looking in the mirror, slowly combing back all my hair. It’s still wet so it’s far easier to shape, but I know it will try to puff up later. My hair has a bloody mind of its own. Without product, the top of my head will turn in ball of unruly black fluff. Thank Crowley for my-

I squeeze my gel bottle, and nothing comes out. What the fuck? I squeeze it again and again but still nothing. Merlin and Morgana, fuck it all, I’m out of hair gel. When did that happen? Has Snow been using it? I doubt it. He wouldn’t use something like this. And I don’t think any amount of hair gel could control his wild thatch of bronze curls.

Doesn’t matter. Either way, I’m out of gel, which means...my stupid hair is going to explode later. As if my life wasn’t already a complete nightmare.

———————————————

Simon

“For Crowley’s sake, Simon, slow down,” Agatha sighs, shaking her head.

I don’t listen and continue taking huge bites of my roast beef sandwich. It just tastes so good. Plus I need the energy. The Mage wants me to practice sword work later, and that takes a lot of effort. So the six slices of roast beef on a sandwich makes perfect sense in my opinion.

“Where’s Penelope?” she asks, sipping from her teacup.

I shrug. “I dunno. Something about working on an assignment through lunch. How could anyone work through lunch though?”

“Not everyone needs as much food as you.”

“Shut up,” I grumble through the bread.

“Wipe your cheek, please,” she sighs.

I wipe the bread crumbs away and grin brightly. “Thanks, Agatha.”

She smiles back, and it makes my stomach tug slightly. Not as much as it used to but it’s still there. I did think I was in love with her after all. We tried dating last year, and it just didn’t work out. Friends are better anyways. Friends aren’t as annoyed when you have food on your face.

My eyes drift around the room out of boredom. But they soon settle on a far table to my right. There’s Baz’s friends (minions? I don’t know) sitting, eating and chatting, but there’s no sign of Baz. The hell?

“Hey, where’s Baz?” I ask, and Agatha’s sighing before I’m done the second word.

“I don’t know, Simon,” she says.

“He’s not here.”

“Okay.”

“And he was taking really long in the bathroom this morning. He missed breakfast.”

“Alright.”

My eyes narrows, ideas tumbling around in my brain. Well, one idea, really. Agatha must know what I’m about to say because she puts her head in her hands. “Simon, don’t-”

“He’s plotting something.”

She groans deeply. “For Morgana’s sake, Simon.”

I lean closer to her. “I’m serious, Agatha! Why isn’t he here? Why did he take even longer in the bathroom than he already does? He must’ve been thinking of something at breakfast and now he’s skipping lunch so he can do it.”

Agatha’s eye roll immediately tells me she’s not taking me seriously instantly. “Sure, sounds perfectly reasonable.”

“Maybe he’s cursing my textbooks,” I mumble, sadly to myself because Agatha has stopped listening. “Or he’s doing something to my bed. Maybe pouring some sticky potion on it. Or maybe he’s going to lock me away in a tower again. Or-”

“Oh, there he is.”

I look over my shoulder, where Agatha is looking. My eyes go wide. What...what the fuck? Baz always looks nothing short of perfect. Perfect posture, perfect uniform, and most of all, annoyingly perfect hair. But not today. Today, his hair isn’t pushed back like a movie vampire, or even falling in front of his face like a lazy wave. It’s kind of...fluffy. All puffed up and pointing in lots of directions. It’s more wavy too, and a bit curly. The ends pull in and twist around. Since when does Baz have tiny curls at the end of his hair?!

I’m so distracted by his weird puffy hair that I don’t immediately notice his deep scowl. He looks ready to burn down the building. But that’s kind of offset by the way his curls bounce with his every step.

“What the fuck?” I whisper.

Baz sits with Dev and Niall with a plate of food in front of him. The look he shoots his friends/minions silently says “don’t ask”, and they’re both silent. He drinks his water while still scowling.

“Wow,” Agatha chuckles, “Baz looks a bit messy today.”

“Y-Yeah I guess. Didn’t know his hair could do that...”

I really mean that. In the five years we’ve lived together, I’ve never seen him look like this. Even when we were little he always looked so damn perfect. He was the only eleven year old I’d ever seen use two different kinds of combs. But now there he is now, with fluffy, curly hair.

“Stop staring, Simon,” Agatha says.

I rip from my eyes away from Baz and look back down at my food. “I’m not staring,” I mumble.

“What else would you call it?”

“I’m just, wondering how this is part of his plot.

Agatha sighs again. I look up to see her shaking her head. “It’s not a plot, Simon. He’s obviously just having a bad hair day.”

“But he never has a bad hair day! Why today of all days? Is he trying to distract me so I don’t notice his latest plot?”

“No, I think he’s just out of hair gel or something...”

I shake my head furiously. “No way. He always has way too much hair gel, and those fancy French products, and combs. Baz would never let his hair be mess, he cares way too much about being pretty.”

Agatha’s lip quirks up, that makes me really worried for some reason. She looks like she knows something I don’t. Which she usually does (most people do) but I’m still nervous. “You think Baz is pretty, hm?”

“Well, uh,” I sputter, “well, he is! It’s like, just true. He’s fucking perfect and it’s so annoying.”

She looks back down at her sandwich still smirking. “Mhm, alright.”

I have no idea what she’s implying. And I don’t care. My eyes wander back to Baz, like usual. He’s got some actual food now, eating tiny bites with a hand over his mouth (weird). He leans forward just slightly, and a particularly bouncy curl falls in his face. Baz doesn’t look happy with that. After a few moments, he moves his hand from his mouth and tries to tuck the hair away. It works for a second. But then it falls. Baz tucks it again, but it falls again. I watch him do try to tuck his hair over and over. It’s sort of hypnotising. Eventually he gets so frustrated he starts blowing it furiously. It’s funny, watching him huff and puff at his own unruly hair, but also...adorable? Fuck, do I actually think Basilton fucking Pitch looks adorable?! No way.

“He’s so planning something,” I mumble, once again mostly to myself. “He’s just, trying to throw me off. Like, he has to be doing this on purpose, making his hair all fluffy and shit so I don’t notice what he’s doing. Why else would he make it so, like, distracting? He’s plotting, I know it, Agatha.”

Agatha snorts. Well, that’s rude. I look at her, fully prepared to glare at her, and realise she’s not actually looking at me at all. She’s looking to where Baz is. I follow her gaze, but she’s not looking at Baz, she’s looking at Dev and Niall. They’re both laughing quietly too. Baz seems to be too occupied with his hair to notice.

“Hey, what’s so funny?” I ask.

Agatha turns to me, obviously trying to hold back her laughter. “Nothing, nothing.”

I frown at her. I’m worried it’s too close to a pout. “It’s not nothing if you’re laughing.”

“It’s just,” she sighs, “you’re really adorable, Simon.”

I frown even harder. “How am I adorable? I’m trying to figure out what Baz is plotting!”

She tilts her head slightly to the side, a tiny amused smile on her mouth. “Yes, you are, while you’re blushing so hard your entire face is red.”

I inhale sharply. What the fuck? I instinctively press a hand to my cheek. Fuck, my skin feels really hot. “I-I’m overheated,” I blurt out.

Agatha tilts her head to the other side. “It’s November, Simon.”

“It’s hot in here!”

“Mhm, sure, Si.” She takes a long sip of her tea while maintaining perfect eye contact with me. “Let’s go with that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I huff.

She shrugs, still smiling. “I think only you can figure that out, Simon.”

I huff again. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean. Instead of getting more cryptic answers from Agatha, I look back at Baz. He’s stopped blowing his hair and is now running his hand over it, trying to flatten it down. I’m transfixed by the way his long fingers move through the strands. The weird grey of his skin kind of works with his super night black hair. They contrast well. And the movement itself is so graceful. (He’s always graceful.) Even unruly, his hair still looks soft. I wonder if it actually is. I wonder what it would feel like if I ran my fingers thro-

Oh.

Oh shit.

———————————————

Penelope

I like to get some of my readings for next week done before a class. Watford students aren’t too loud so I can do it. I’m calmly reading at my desk when I notice the clock. Huh, there’s about three minutes until class starts, and Simon’s not here. That’s odd. He’s usually late but only by five minutes. Weird. What in Merlin’s name is keeping him? I hope he’s alright. There haven’t been rumblings from the Humdrum or the Old Families for awhile. He should be fine. But where is he?

Two minutes later, my question is answered. Simon stumbles in, completely out of breath and face red. He must’ve ran. But that doesn’t explain why his clothes and hair are such a mess. Well, more of a mess than usual. It looks like he’s been through a hurricane. But he’s still smiling.

“Hey, Pen,” he says breathlessly.

“Hey, Si,” I reply. “Sorry I missed lunch yesterday. Where were you at supper?

"Uh, got caught up in schoolwork..."

I give him a doubtful look over my glasses. "Seriously?"

He nods furiously. "Yeah, yeah, seriously..."

I put a hand on his arm. "Are you alright, Si?"

“I’m good!" He chirps with an even bigger smile. "I’m really good, actually. Super duper good.”

I blink at him. His wide grin doesn’t falter, and he doesn’t elaborate at all. He’s just staring off into space. “Okay...”

I go back to my book, but I only get one paragraph in before the Minotaur comes in and the class starts. But he only gets a few sentences into the lesson before he’s interrupted by the door opening. He turns from the board.

“Mr. Pitch,” he says flatly, “so glad you could join us.”

“Apologies, sir,” a familiar posh voice says as he goes past. Baz walks past me to take his usual seat near the front. My eyes grow wide. Baz looks even worse than Simon. His shirt is rumpled and his tie is slightly loosened. He’s extremely flush for someone so pale. Worst of all is his hair, pointing in every direction and even curling at the ends. It’s like he’s been through two hurricanes.

If that wasn’t weird enough, during the lesson, he’s not being the perfect student like usual. He seems unfocused, staring off into the distance, tugging at his collar, stuff like that. When I look at Simon, he’s unfocused too, which isn’t unusual for him. But he’s got this weird dreamy smile on his face. A few times, I swear his eyes drift to Baz, still smiling. Is...is Simon looking dreamily at Baz?

What the fuck is going on?

———————————————

Thoughts at the end: Simon: Wow, this is weird, but I'm actually really happy. I wonder what Baz is thinking. Baz: CrowleycrowleySnowsnoggedmeandmessedupmyclothesandhairlastnight, holy shit, what the fuck is going on?!

This was a lot of fun to write. I haven't done a lot of canon divergent stuff for awhile so it was a nice change. Hope you guys liked it :) So there's one request fic left that I'm going to start working. And the next chapter of Black Swan will be up soon as possible. See you guys next time :D

[brahms--heelshire]

Red and Silver and Green and Gold (USUK)

(A/N): The only reason that this is so rushed is because I was trying to finish it so it wouldn’t need to be a multi-chaptered fic. Luckily I succeeded. Yeehaw.

“Alfred Jones,” I called, lifting my robes over my ankles to run after the boy sprinting ahead of me, “No running in the corridors!”

“You’re breaking the rules by running after me,” he retorted, running backwards so he could look at me while he talked.

I knew what was going to happen before it did. Alfred wasn’t facing where he was going. A stairwell turned and… Alfred fell like a bag of bricks. The stairwell hit him in the head. I cursed under my breath, running as fast as I could to check his pulse. I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding when I felt a steady pulse. But the nasty bump on his head didn’t look too good. I needed to get him to Madam Pomfrey.

Unluckily for me, I was weak. As strong as my magic was, I was not very physically strong. It took me a few tries before I realized that I could use magic to carry him.

And I didn’t explain to anyone I passed why I had an unconscious Alfred was suspended in the air with me until I got Alfred to the nurse.

“He’s nothing but trouble,” she mumbled as she checked his vital signs.

“You’re right, ma’am.” I nodded.

“You’re no better, yourself, Mister Prefect. Despite your title, you can’t manage not getting into petty fights with him.” She gestured towards Alfred, who was still lying on the small bed.

I didn’t reply, choosing to sit in one of the chairs situated near the cot and stay silent. It was late, so all of my classes were over. The only reason I was wandering the corridors at all was that I was getting my nightly tea. Needless to say, I didn’t end up getting my tea.

I pushed my eye mask from the top of my head back to my eyes.

“Wake me up when he’s conscious,” I mumbled drowsily.

“So you do have a soft spot for Mr. Jones,” she commented.

“No, I just… it’s my fault that he got hurt, so I need to apologize.”

“Okay.” She sounded skeptical.

I ignored her, falling asleep surprisingly fast.

I woke to Madam Pomfrey shaking my shoulder. I pushed my face mask onto the top of my head.

“Alfred’s going to be perfectly fine, except for one thing…” Her voice trailed off.

“What is it?” I asked, looking over to where Alfred was sitting up on the cot.

“He seems to have a bit of amnesia.”

“Anything else?” I asked.

“Well, he’s made a few incorrect assumptions about why you’re here.” Madam Pomfrey kept her voice quiet so that Alfred wouldn’t hear, “He seemed quite happy about it and I didn’t have the heart to correct him.”

Alfred’s face practically lit up when he noticed that I was looking at him. “Babe! You’re awake! I just got up and I don’t really remember much about anything that’s happened since my first year here at Hogwarts, but I’m sure it’ll come back eventually. So don’t take it personally that I don’t remember too much about being with you. I totally recognize your face though. I just can’t place it in my head. It’s weird.”

I knew that people with strong feelings about someone could sometimes faintly remember that person despite amnesia, but I didn’t know that that hate was a strong enough emotion. I was tempted to tell him the truth, but when I looked back at that purely happy grin, I couldn’t bear to.

“Oh! Yes. I, too, am quite sad that you forgot about everything we did together, but don’t worry. We can make more memories, love.” I mentally slapped myself in the face. I was talking to my enemy, Alfred F. Jones, a Gryffindor, like a lovesick idiot.

“You’re right! Let’s go!” Alfred kicked the covers off of himself and got up, reaching for my hand. I let him take it, accepting my fate.

“Don’t let him get too far alone. He might get lost. Gradually try to reintroduce him to things from his life,” Madam Pomfrey told me.

“Okay. I’ll try my hardest,” I replied, giving her a salute as Alfred and I left her office.

“So what do you want to do first?” Alfred asked once we left the room.

“We have classes in a few hours, so it’s time to get some rest. Go ahead to the Gryffindor common room. We have our first class together, so if you’re confused about where to go, I’ll meet you at your common room in the morning.” I ran one of my hands through his hair, trying to act more romantic. “Try not to miss me too much, because I know I’ll be missing you.”

“If even amnesia won’t let me forget that heavenly face of yours, I know that time without you will eat away at me.” Alfred gave me a smile.

Once I got back to the Slytherin common room, I silently panicked. I knew that someone would let Alfred into the Gryffindor common room. Despite not being a Prefect, he was practically their golden boy.

That’s why we fought most of the time.

He was a classic Gryffindor. Brave and strong. Definitely heroic. But dumb as shit.

I was a classic Slytherin. Snappy and rude. Sarcastic as hell. But unlike some other Slytherins, I wasn’t bigoted or anything. I didn’t want to be a Death Eater. It was annoying how people assumed that about every Slytherin. I didn’t care that Alfred was muggle-born and I was a pureblood. We fought because we disagreed, not because of prejudice.

It didn’t help that Alfred was rather handsome and I was rather gay. I couldn’t help finding him somewhat attractive. Hormones and puberty made it weird. Every time we argued, I couldn’t help but notice his masculine charm.

I tried not to bang my head on my nightstand. Pretending to date Alfred would be a struggle. Especially with not taking advantage of him. I knew for a fact that Alfred had never kissed anyone- I mean, neither had I, but that wasn’t important- and I didn’t want him to lose his first kiss to someone who he only dated because of a misunderstanding.

I fell asleep with a foggy mind.

Once I woke up and got dressed, I rushed to the portrait that marked the entrance to the Gryffindor common room, leaning on the wall as I waited for Alfred.

He rushed out very last minute, waving as he spotted me.

“Hi Arthur!” He took my hand awkwardly and I noticed that his palms were quite sweaty. “I’m not one hundred percent sure how to tie my tie.”

I sighed. “That’s okay. I’ll do it for you.”

I felt the eyes of every Gryffindor who hadn’t already left for class on us as I tied Alfred’s tie for him. I could almost hear their thoughts. Wondering why Alfred and I were getting along. Wondering why our faces were almost close enough to touch and we weren’t screaming at each other. Wondering why he intertwined our fingers the moment I finished tying his tie.

I tried to push the thoughts from my head as I walked with Alfred.

“So tell me about you,” he said.

“What do you want to know about me?” I asked, fixing my eyes on a point in the distance so I wouldn’t have to make uncomfortable eye contact with Alfred or any other student.

“What did you like to do with me? If I’m setting up dates and stuff, I at least wanna know what you like.” His manner of speaking almost made me smile. It just sounded so irrefutably Alfred.

I tried to think of a quick lie. Something that we would enjoy doing on a date. And it clicked. “Well, we liked to stargaze. You would get so excited over pointing to the stars and telling me which ones they were. And we would sit up on the roof where none of the professors could see us and kiss until the sun rose.”

“Sounds nice. I might not remember that specifically, but I do remember the names of the stars. Maybe if you wanna do it sometimes, I’ll make it a night you won’t forget.” Alfred winked at me.

I tried- and failed- to hold back my laughter. “Your amnesia puns are truly… unforgettable.”

And we laughed all the way to class, where we walked in together, fingers entwined.

I pulled my hand away from Alfred’s when we walked in.

“Mister Kirkland. Mister Jones. You’re late for Potions class.”

“I’m quite sorry, sir. You can ask Madam Pomfrey if you need testimony as to why we were late.”

“It’s okay, Arthur. I know you have stuff to do in the mornings, but I must be taking ten points from Gryffindor for this.” The professor favored Slytherins. It was obvious. I almost didn’t want to take the bullet that would be defending Alfred, but I knew that no-one else would. And if Alfred defended himself, he’d end up in more trouble for back-talk.

“Ask Madam Pomfrey for Alfred’s excuse. He’s late for the same reason that I am,” I grumbled reluctantly.

“Yeah! Me and Artie were late for the same reason.”

I cringed at the nickname, but continued to my seat nonetheless. Alfred took the seat next to me.

“Since you two are the last ones to arrive, you’ll be partners for this experiment,” the professor said.

“What are we doing today, Professor?” I asked, sitting up straight in my seat.

“We’re doing potion identifying. Each pair has a cauldron in front of them and the assignment is to identify the potion. There is just one rule. You’re not allowed to drink any of the potions. Your time starts… now.” He started a stopwatch on his desk, leaning back in his chair to read something off of a scroll.

Alfred looked distressed.

“Something wrong?” I asked, looking at the color of the potion. It wasn’t unique. I knew hundreds of potions that could’ve been.

“I don’t remember anything about potions,” Alfred whispered.

“Don’t worry. That’s not the amnesia. You never paid attention in potions class.” I licked my lips as I investigated the strange steam coming from the liquid. “Just leave it to me.”

“Okay. I trust you.” He pulled parchment and a pencil out of his bag, not wasting money on a quill and ink.

The steam and the color didn’t signify any particular potion, so I took a whiff. The intoxicating smell alone should’ve clued me in on what it was, but I wanted to tell exactly what I smelled. And it was perfect.

Old books, earl grey, and something inherently masculine. Like Axe shampoo mixed with sweat.

I glanced at Alfred, tempted to try to prove my theory. I leaned over to smell his hair and it was the smell. I silently cursed as I looked back at the potion.

I raised my hand and the professor called on me almost immediately.

“Yes Arthur?”

“The potion is Amortentia,” I grumbled.

“And can you tell me how you got to that conclusion?” He asked.

“The smell. It smelled like things that I love. That, coupled with the color and the steam, was all that I needed to know what potion it is.” I kept my answer as vague as possible. I didn’t want anyone knowing that I realized it because I knew I was falling for Alfred F. Jones.

“Correct. Ten points to Slytherin.” The professor smirked as he added my points to the chart.

I couldn’t help but think of that Amortentia every time that I looked at Alfred after that. During that week, my daily routine was just helping Alfred and avoiding any kisses from him. And classes, but those were far less important than managing Alfred.

It was all going perfectly until one night.

“Why won��t you kiss me?” Alfred asked, pointing a finger at me.

“I just feel like we’re moving too fast,” I lied.

“Tell the truth!”

“You don’t understand anything!”

“Well then maybe we should break up!”

And shouting at each other on the roof, I saw something click in his head. Memories. That’s all it took. Shouting at each other like we normally did. Alfred’s brain was so used to fighting with me that that was all it took to trigger his memories.

“Alfred,” I whispered.

“Oh wait, I guess we can’t break up if we were never together in the first place.” He paused, glaring at me. “Couldn’t you have told me the truth from the beginning?” he shouted, “Instead of just trying to embarrass me?”

“Shut up! You don’t know anything! I love you, you idiot. And you looked so happy when you thought I was your boyfriend. I couldn’t hurt you like that.”

“Well I remember everything now.” He took a deep breath. “And you know, since you love me too, I think that I wanna keep dating you.” Alfred pulled me closer to him. “Look, a shooting star.” He pointed up and, lo and behold, there it was.

I silently wished for Alfred to kiss me. He gently pushed my hair out of my face. I knew it was the right moment. Our lips got closer until they finally touched. And it was glorious.

And as we kissed under the stars, I thought that maybe that imaginary stargazing date was finally ours.

[jcmcisvu]

◤♛◢ — I N T R O D U C T I O N S. ✧

back on my bullshit this time, laid ease ! winnie with intros !

VELVET VIONNET.

magical girl ! magic circus performer !

she’s a powerful wizardess, magic is in her blood and she’s been practising to make it stronger ever since she was a child !

while her parents also had magic, they wanted to live human lives. thus, they didn’t practise or use their own magic at all, and they practically forbade velvet from using her magic, as well.

in her younger years, velvet would obey her parents while at home, but would find ways to practise it either when her parents weren’t home or when she went out.

practising her magic in such minuscule amounts, though, wasn’t at all enough for her to make big improvements in it.

she was so enthralled with the concept of magic, though, and she wanted to be the best there ever was --- thus, she became dangerously desperate to be exactly that.

when she was fourteen, velvet ran away from her home in the middle of the night, not leaving any trace of where she had gone.

on that same night, she went deep into the forest, her secret spellbook in hand, and summoned a demon prince by the name of zarin.

she asked him to make a deal with her; he could have her soul if he made her magic far more powerful than it already was.

thus, the demon prince ripped her soul out of her body and, with no more than a snap of his fingers, the wizardess’ magic was ten times more powerful.

it was with this that the wizardess was finally satisfied, even if she was now soulless.

shortly after this night, though, she came to realise that she was alone, with no family or friends, and living such a lonely life wasn’t something that she felt she would be able to do, and she knew that she could never return home.

coincidentally, a magical circus, cirque du delire, was in the downtown area and, as enthralled with magic as velvet was, she made it a point to attend the show, and she fell absolutely in love with it.

it was after the show that she was approached by the ringmaster of the circus, who said he could feel magic radiating off of her, and he asked her who she was, where she came from, and what she could do.

velvet, without even a moment of hesitation, explained her situation and showed the ringmaster a few examples of her magic.

the ringmaster was so interested in her story and so fascinated with her magic that he asked if she would be interested in travelling with them, as a sort of intern.

of course, velvet agreed and trained with the other circus for two years before they finally added her as an act in the show on her sixteenth birthday.

currently in the show, she is an illusionist, who goes by ❝ the illusionist ❞.

she’s very vain, very magical, very eccentric !

she thinks she’s the very wizardess in the world, will tell people that she’s better than them; very arrogant !

her signature colour is pastel pink & style is pastel pink crushed velvet !

her hair is blonde with a pastel pink ombre !

her eyes are pastel pink !

NORVINA PSYRMA.

i copied and pasted this from eudoxia’s intro from my lucille blog ! who gon check me !

a witch who specialises in all sorts of potions !!

most commonly known as the infamous ‘ witch princess ’.

her parents didn’t want a child ! her parents were satan worshippers, but not so much so that they would sacrifice their child, so !

norvina was abandoned in the forest as a child, essentially left for dead.

instead of dying, though, she made friends with the creatures of the forest and made herself a home amongst them and the trees.

the forest creatures helped her build a small cottage for her to live and grow up in.

in her teen years, she decided to take on natural witchcraft ( herbs, flowers, crystals ) as opposed to the fantastical witchcraft that was in her blood.

she uses her genetic witchcraft only for help with her potions.

when unwelcome visitors come across her cottage, she tends to use them as test subjects for her potions before turning them into teddy bears and keeping them around her cottage !

her goal is to make a love potion that will encourage the person who ingests the potion to slowly but surely fall in love, but to kill them as soon as the love is requited !

her cottage is filled with teddy bears, all who used to be living people.

she is, quite literally, a recluse.

despite being distant, is lowkey wild — she has no filter and, thus, says some odd and peculiar things at times.

she is generally kinda wacky due to her lack of social skills.

her morals are entirely skewed --- she praises people for things that would be considered sinful !

there are rumours that she’s a forest demon, but, really, she’s just a bit fucked in the head !

her hair is blonde !

her eyes are dark bright red !

she is based on the witch princess from harvest moon, because i am and have always been gay for her !

DEIDRE VOREIS.

this is copied and pasted from sian’s intro from my lucille blog !

a demon who doesn’t want to be a demon !

she has a fascination with light magic — tries to study it as much as she can & when she finds the time to go to the surface, and dreams of becoming a professional at it.

her parents don’t approve of her studying light magic; they want her to become a knight of hell when she turns eighteen and have practically condemned her to serve hell for the rest of her life as a servant, anyway.

she has to decide whether she wants to follow her dream and give up her demonic nature and her family, or continue serving hell, become a knight of hell, and continue being a demon and keep her family.

when she was signed over to the royal family by her parents, she was mainly assigned as a servant of the crown prince of hell --- thus, while she hates zarin, she knows that her soul technically belongs to him and, thus, if she disobeys him, she could become another of his playthings or simply cease to exist altogether, depending on what he so wishes to do with her.

thus, she has continued to be obedient thus far, if only for fear of her life.

she is very soft in both appearance and personality.

she is friendly to everyone, to the extent of probably being too friendly.

she tends to let people push her around and walk all over her — she’s a pushover, very overly-compliant.

she can also be kind of snarky, though ! especially if she disapproves of something that someone that she loves is doing !

she tends to throw tantrums when she grows frustrated — due to her demonic nature, her tantrums tend to end in minor natural disasters.

her hair is blonde !

her eyes are black !

PHINEAS FAY.

y’all know this bitch except ... a bit was changed so uwu !

inspired by peter pan, we been knew !

he’s the leader of a group of ragtag kids who have all deemed themselves as the skull bois !

he was a neglected and abused child ! his parents never wanted a kid, thus they tended to ignore him, but he would get beaten whenever he did something that they deemed as wrong.

he would run away from home at night to fly around --- he thought he was dancing with the moon and the stars.

his wings were cut off by his parents when he was nine, leaving him a wingless faerie !

after this happened, he ran away from home and lived in the forest for a while !

it was around this time that he met the first lost child who he would take in, and the amount of children that he took in would only grow as years passed by !

now, of course, he takes care of nearly a dozen kids !

when the argenti first arrived, it was no more than a week after their arrival that one of his kids, vista, was severely injured by them when collecting resources out by herself.

phineas knew that there was no way that they could take her to the hospital, since they had no money of any kind, but he knew that she would otherwise die if they did nothing to help her, knowing that none of them were skilled enough in healing magic to heal her themselves.

it was decided that they didn’t have time to search for and track down someone who did know healing magic and, thus, he did the only thing that he could possibly think to do.

on the night that most assuredly would have been vista’s death, phineas told the skull bois that he was going out to find someone who could help vista, then went out deep into the forest alone.

it was in the forest that he summoned a demon prince called zarin, and offered the prince his soul in exchange for vista’s life.

of course, the demon prince made the deal happily, ripping finny’s soul from his body and then going back with him to make a show of healing the girl.

thus, he’s now soulless and is condemned to the underland !

the skull bois don’t know that he’s soulless !

despite lacking a soul, he is super compassionate and extremely loyal !

he’s entirely reckless, a bit of an idiot at times !

he’s not much of a believer in love for himself, especially know that he’s soulless !

his hair is black !

his eyes are brown !

VISTA NUTARI.

y’all know her too, but there’s a few minor changes here ! uwu !

she’s a faerie !

she was born without the ability to use the magic that was in her blood and, thus, was seen as worthless by her godawful, noble bitches of parents.

they tried to fix her for the first five years of her life, tried to some how rid her of this defect that she had, but, alas, it was to no avail.

thus, when she was no older than five-years-old, she was abandoned at a river in the forest by her parents with nothing more than a stuffed unicorn to accompany her.

that same day, she was found by a nine-year-old boy called phineas, who talked to her and told her stories to make her feel better.

she was taken in by this boy, taken care of him and she has lived with him in the forest since that day.

the two of them were the first of the skull bois, but that have found and taken in nearly a dozen other children who were lost, just like them, for a myriad of reasons.

when the argenti first arrived, within the week of their arrival, she was out to collect resources for the skull bois alone and was severely injured !

long story short, finny told his soul to save her life !

she doesn’t know that finny sold his soul for her !

she is very soft and sweet, very naive; generally a sweetheart !

she’s a bit of a crybaby, isn’t afraid to throw a temper tantrum !

she’s entirely loyal to the skull bois, would sooner sacrifice herself than let anything happen to any one of them !

her hair is honey brown !

her eyes are green !

[sitp-recs]

Hi anon! Ohh Femme often writes a suave and confident Harry, you can’t go wrong with her stuff! I’m listing below a few of my favorites, there’s a bit of everything in the mix. Enjoy :)

Together Like This by @shealwaysreads (2021, E, 3k)

Draco attempts to prove to himself that he doesn’t deserve what he wants. Harry proves him wrong.

Sun Stroke by @peachpety (2020, E, 3.8k)

Draco, Harry, and a handful of friends take a summer holiday at the beach. With the help of a sultry sea setting, encouraging friends, and a fisherman’s jumper, Harry and Draco's mutual attraction swells and things get hot on a salty summer night.

Lucid by @dracoladon (2020, E, 5k)

Harry's not sure what makes him harder; listening to Draco talk about astronomy, or shagging Draco so thoroughly that he can't talk at all. Both, probably.

Luckiest Fucking Size Queen Alive by @l0vegl0wsinthedark (2016, E, 6k)

Potter escorts me home, presses me into my front door and kisses me with a ferocity that’s exhilarating.

A Memory and a Mystery by hollyxhawthorn (2017, E, 8.3k)

After a night with a mysterious man, Harry Potter hires Draco Malfoy to recover a missing personal item.

The Page Eleven Wars by fireflavored (2010, E, 8.5k)

In a gossip-hungry post-war Wizarding World, Rita Skeeter has a wildly successful column in the Daily Prophet known as Page Eleven.

Stories in E Minor by huldrejenta (2014, E, 8.7k)

Draco has found his place in the Muggle world. He's got his music, he's got his neighbours and he is content. Until a certain someone from the past enters his life again.

Pride by Writcraft (2015, E, 9k)

Harry and Draco form an unlikely friendship after the war. Even as the friendship becomes more, Draco is quick to push Harry away before they become too deeply involved. As Harry fights to save an iconic wizarding pub and gay safe-haven from being closed down, circumstances force Draco to confront his true feelings head on.

break the bad luck in my life by seaworn (2019, E, 12k)

Draco and Harry are both brooding on Christmas Eve.

What’s My Age Again? by @lazywonderlvnd (2018, E, 12k)

Harry Potter has had enough of pleasing the public, and his reckless tendencies are finally getting out of hand.

Hey, Potter by SunseticMonster (2013, M, 16k)

Harry returns to Hogwarts for his 8th year, determined not to let Malfoy get to him. But when the snarky teasing starts up again, Harry finds that returning the jibes with compliments has a far more interesting outcome.

Stupid Love by @the-sinking-ship (2020, E, 17k)

Harry Potter, how does Draco Malfoy hate thee? Let me count the ways.

A Little Perseverance by @writcraft (2020, E, 19k)

Harry’s wand is dying and Draco’s flirtation with a magical matchmaking service is causing him no end of trouble. When Harry turns up at Draco’s shop looking for help, everything gets a lot more complicated.

Naked by @bixgirl1 (2017, E, 54k)

Harry and Draco are sent on an undercover assignment to catch a Dark wizard — which might not be so bad if it weren't at a Muggle nudist resort.

A Secondary Education by Thunderbird587 (2018, E, 234k)

Fleeing the aftermath of his recent divorce, Draco Malfoy takes up a post as the new Potions Master at Hogwarts. At first he believes his hopes for a fresh start are dashed when he sees that a certain boyhood rival is on staff there as well.

Lost In Your Arms by Femme (2017, E, 257k)

Three months after their brief encounter, Draco has almost forgotten about Potter--or so he tells himself. Then a Dark wizard shows up on the Auror radar and all hell breaks loose.

[ghcstlydj]

About: Flint

[bio updated: 06/25/2019]

Name: Devon “Flint” Butterworth

Eye colour: Light brown/Orange

Hair colour: Black with red tips

Height: 5'11’’

Age (appearance): 17

Age (actual): 125

Gender: Cis male

Species: Human (ghost)

Sexuality: Gay demisexual

Ethnicity: British-Japanese

Birthplace: London, England

Birthday: June 17, 1894

Death month: October 1911

Zodiac: Gemini

Alignment: Chaotic neutral

Headcanon voice(s): (partially) Jonathan Combs from Welcome to Hell, but mostly the lead singer of a band called Bayside, the song for Flint is different than the song for Devon because their voices are slightly different since Devon used to smoke and Flint also practices singing and using his voice more than Devon does.

Likes: Fire, music, poetry, singing, making friends, talking, making people laugh, pop songs, vocaloid, his school band and choir, the colours orange and red, junk food, soda, food in general, tea and coffee, making music, his family, Eros (this universe’s version of Lucio), Vincent, pranks, musicals, flying, memes

Dislikes: Getting arrested, accidentally hurting people physically or emotionally, accidentally setting things on fire that he shouldn’t set on fire, not being able to set things on fire, when he loses his lighter, bullies, bigots

Abilities: He can play the guitar, drums, violin, keyboard, flute, trumpet, and saxophone, he can sing very well, is talented at writing poems and songs, is smart enough to be a straight A student if he stopped setting fire to all of his assignments before handing them in, is a ghost who can fly, walk through walls, turn transparent, and possess people, he is able to tell what kinds of gas is burning when there’s a fire and what element is burning from the smell and colour of the flame, can put out fires if he needs to

-Just from looking at him, you probably won’t be able to tell he’s a ghost since he’s not translucent or gives off any odd ghostly glow. He can also touch things as if he were human. Although, he has a habit of floating almost everywhere he goes, and floats upside down or phases through walls a lot since he doesn’t really keep it a secret that he’s a ghost.

Aesthetic blog: @fxre-starter

IC blog: @flintrocks94

Player IC blog: @flintrox94

—

Short Bio

Flint is a very outgoing teenager who has pyromania, and constantly sets things on fire. He is very talkative, likes to make friends, and is a bit of a troublemaker. He is pretty smart, although the fact that he keeps burning all his tests and assignments before he hands them in accounts to him failing all his classes. He’s also a huge memelord who swears a lot.

He is a happy-go-lucky sort of person, and is very musically inclined. He can play numerous instruments exceptionally well, and is a talented singer. He also likes to write poems and stories in his spare time, whenever he can use a computer to write things since he doesn’t trust himself with paper.

He has a semi-popular youtube channel where he makes covers of pop songs, as well as writes a few of his own original songs. His youtube channel is where he got the nickname “Flint” in the first place.

As a ghost, he tends to float around and fly a lot. He’s not very secretive of the fact that he’s dead, unlike Devon, and he tends to float upside down a lot. He also likes to freak people out sometimes if they don’t know he’s a ghost, by sticking his hand right into a fire and pulling it out completely fine.

Whenever he is bored or stressed, he tends to get a strong urge to light something on fire. It brings him relief when he does it, but he feels bad and really guilty if he shouldn’t have done that, especially if it puts someone in danger. If for some reason he can’t set something on fire at the moment, he tends to tap and drum his fingers on whatever surface is available to try and distract himself from his compulsion.

—

About the Opposite Personality verse (specific to Flint’s universe)

The opposite personality verse is different from the opposite potion verse that is described in the Verses page. Vinnie (Vincent) and Devon (Flint) act like how they are described in the opposite potion verse, but this is all set in an alternate universe where everyone was born with the opposite personalities of what they had in their ‘normal’ universe. Kind of like the Italian Empire verse with the APH Italy bros, except it’s with e v e r y o n e in that world.

This means that Vinnie and Devon’s OP selves are the original personalities there. So if they had the opposite potion in that universe, they would act like they normally do in the normal universe, if that makes sense.

**Although, weird shit happened with me and my S/O’s roleplay and apparently there is a dimensional rift in Vinnie’s school so now Flint and Vincent exist in the same world as Devon and Vinnie and they canonly know each other now–?

—

Full Bio

Before Flint died, he had a pretty happy life, just like Devon. He took an early love for music, constantly listening to music, or singing, or making his own songs on the violin. However, he also had a slight problem with fire as a child, accidentally burning down things a lot and occasionally putting himself and other people in danger because of his fascination with fire. He began developing his interest with fire at an early age, learning how to use matches and lighters once he could get his hands on them.

This problem became more evident as he grew older; unable to help it that staring at fires and setting fires calmed him in some way whenever he was stressed or bored, and his pyromania developed more from his lack of control and stress he felt being a teenager who was openly gay in his time period, and how he had a reputation for getting in trouble due to the fires that had gotten out of control because of him. He has better control with his fires after a couple of years of setting fires, though.

Other than his problems with fire, Flint was a pretty happy kid growing up. He has a good sense of humour, snorts when he laughs really hard, and likes to make funny faces when getting his picture taken just like Devon. However, he never stopped doing that and still makes funny pictures in modern days whenever he can too. He also has quite a troublemaking streak as well, and loves to prank people. He never wants to go too far with his pranks and immediately feels bad if he ever accidentally hurts someone. But a thing that’s unlike Devon, he actually has a good relationship with his cousins, and doesn’t live at the local garbage dump.

When he died and realized he was dead, he reacted in a way that most probably would expect if they knew Flint. He seemed pretty excited and basically said “Fuck yeah, I can touch fire without getting burnt now!!” Unlike Devon, he doesn’t bother keeping the fact that he’s a ghost secret. He tends to float and fly almost anywhere, whenever he can, and has a habit of floating upside down and backwards whenever he walks with and is talking to people. He also likes to float around his room while playing his guitar, and phases through walls a lot instead of using doors. Since he can go intangible, he also likes to stick his hand in fires and doesn’t burn because he knows fire can’t hurt him when he’s not scared, and he’s never really scared of fire itself. Just scared of someone getting hurt because of a fire he started.

Today, he is able to handle fire a little better now. Although, he was the reason why his school had the most fires ever and has to spend a lot for damage repair and high quality fire alarms. He is able to tell what kind of gas is burning from the smell of it, like if it’s butane or propane or anything like that. He can also tell what elements are burning due to the colour of the flame. He really likes when his Chemistry class teaches that part of the course, even if he already knows all of it. He’s also allowed to be the one to demonstrate the flame colours, since getting to do that helps with his urges. Whenever he can’t satisfy the need to set fires, he usually starts fidgeting, and tapping and drumming his fingers on whatever surface is available, which is usually a warning sign that he has to set something on fire. He’ll usually start doing that whenever he is stressed or bored.

Like Devon, his handwriting is really neat and flowery, although he tends not to use paper whenever possible, since he usually ends up burning the paper. He prefers to do everything electronically because of this. He is also gifted with a good singing voice, just like Devon, and he tends to sing pop music although he sounds better singing “emo” or “punk” type of songs. He also finds it easier to play those kinds of songs with his guitar rather than pop songs, even though he loves pop music and feels indifferent about “emo” and “punk”. He knows how to play music by ear as well as read sheet music.

He usually is seen with a large red and orange sweater that he wears every day. In his pockets, he keeps a lighter and a box of matches in case his lighter runs out of lighter fluid. When setting fires, he usually prefers using a lighter. Although he tends to be very masculine, he is also apparently the most feminine out of Vinnie, Devon, and Vincent, seeing as he has no problem with letting people put makeup on him or giving him more ‘feminine’ clothes to wear like dresses. The other three would utterly hate/be very uncomfortable with that, but Flint wouldn’t really care and would probably rock the outfit anyway since he’s pretty confident with himself and doesn’t really care what other people think of him. He still prefers being masculine more though, since he’s much more comfortable with that.

He also has a fairly popular youtube channel where he posts covers of pop songs, original songs, songs that were popular in past decades, covers of songs from musicals, covers of vocaloid songs, and occasionally dedicates other songs that he knows Eros, his boyfriend, likes. He makes all of his instrumentals himself, and recorded his videos with a regular digital camera until he saved enough money to buy a better camera as well as a microphone. Because of him having about a century of building up his musical skill, his instrumentals are usually pretty ‘on point’ and sound like the actual song, but also with his own flair, with him using a variety of different instruments. For anything he can’t recreate with the instruments he has, he turns to Vincent for help with electronic music. He records himself singing after the instrumental is complete.

He has a ukulele, an acoustic, bass, and electric guitar, as well as an amp. Of course, he also has a violin since he was taught how to play it. But for the drums, he uses the ones in the school’s band room. For instruments like the flute, trumpet, and saxophone, he just asks his band friends if he can borrow their instrument, and asks those friends if they can teach him how to play it. He also has at least a couple friends who have a keyboard or piano at home, and was also taught which keys are which notes so he knows how to play it, and asks if he can use it for one of his videos if he needs to use it.

His youtube channel also makes him the “Vinnie” of that world, in a way, since Vinnie is popular for being a DJ and Flint is popular for being a musician on youtube. It is also where he got the nickname “Flint” from, since he wanted a cool sounding username back when the internet was fairly new. Seeing that most people didn’t use their actual name, he wanted to do it too and came up with “flintrocks94”, because he was born in the year 1894, and “flint rocks” is sort of a pun. Since flint is a rock that makes fire with steel, ‘rock’ means the same thing as ‘cool’, and he is “Flint” and he “rocks” even though they’re mostly pop songs and not exactly rock. People began to call him Flint on youtube because of his username, and he liked it. He still responds mostly to Devon, since only people online call him Flint.

He met Vincent when they first went to school together when the school first opened. They both came from England, and Flint immediately saw him as a friend. It didn’t take long for them to find out they were both dead, since even then, Flint didn’t bother to hide his ghost abilities. So of course, once Vincent found that out, he couldn’t help himself from telling Flint that he was also a ghost. Other than that, Vincent was distant to him and hadn’t warmed up to Flint until many years later, even though Flint thought of them as really close friends. Today, he still thinks of Vincent as one of his best friends. Flint constantly pops up in random places and phases through the walls to where ever Vincent is, sometimes randomly visiting Vincent in the middle of the night, and likes to bug him a lot and talk to him.

Flint is also pretty good friends with his teachers, like Vinnie is. He is also friends with a lot of police officers, since he gets arrested a lot and has to spend lots of time at the police station. He’s not above stealing, since he sometimes floats in invisible and steals lighters from convenience stores when he runs low and sometimes gets caught and arrested, and also obviously gets arrested for setting fires. Whenever he’s not getting arrested, he’s usually found in the school’s music room (either with the band/choir kids or recording himself on the drum set for one of his youtube videos since he doesn’t have a drum kit at home. Sometimes in the middle of the night because he floats in when everyone else is gone and they can’t really stop him), bugging Vincent, or alone in abandoned areas to set fires without hurting anyone around him. He can also be found in the school theatre with the drama kids, or with the dance club kids as well, since he’s in those groups too.

In school, he’s usually seen as one of the “popular” kids because he’s very friendly and outgoing, and loves to talk to everyone. This is only recently, however, because many years ago he was seen as “the weird kid” and was constantly picked on and bullied for being openly gay, speaking his mind, being a “band geek”, and for setting everything on fire. As a result, he usually just hung out with the other weird kids, the outcasts, and loners. Now that times are different, he’s started to become more popular with the other students. Although instead of being with the “popular crowd”, whenever he gets the chance to, he usually talks to all the shy kids, the weird kids, and kids who get bullied to be friends with them, and introduce them to all his nice friends so they can have a lot of nice people who like them for who they are.

He usually freaks people out at first, due to the fact that he’s a ghost and spontaneously sets fire to anything and everything. But after being around him for a bit, people usually get used to it and enjoy his company and his humour. Despite his tendency to get into trouble, he’s a pretty nice kid and helps anyone if they need it. He doesn’t like upsetting or hurting anyone, so if he does, he usually tries his hardest to make it up to them.

Like Devon, he also had a mortal first love who was also his first kiss. Because Flint is the opposite personality version of Devon, he fell in love with the opposite personality version of Martin. However, unlike Devon and Martin’s relationship, Flint and his Martin started secretly dating each other after finding out they both were in love with each other. More information on Martin can be found [here].

Tagged with: || Fire Pop Star || IC.

[divagonzo]

Communication Silence

Ch. 16 of the Ron Weasley Chronicles

Ao3 // FF.net

A/N: In light of the last month’s worth of discussion and diatribes I figure an update is worthwhile. The first part might be confusing but I promise it’s important to the story. Rated T for the occasional harsh word and Ron’s temper but otherwise good. Ace Safe.

Knock Knock

“Come in,” a gravelly voice answered the quiet knock on the door. Hermione slipped in before closing it softly behind her.

“Jones,” her voice cracked and she didn’t look like she had slept much. “You’re awake.” Hermione looked over and saw Ron snoring in a pointedly uncomfortable chair between them. Harry, as she expected, was fast asleep in his bed.

“He crashed about two hours ago after I woke back up. I told him I’d stay awake and keep watch while he took a kip.” Hemera lifted her chin instead of lifting her arm. “You look like a dragon took a dump on you.”

“You’re crass, as always, but you are accurate. I’ve been at the Ministry most of the night. I took that sample by George and he affirmed it was originally his but when he tested it, he said it was not his formula. Someone had tampered with it further, by adding distilled ethanol into it. That additional ingredient made it stronger, more potent. So what you thought that went into your drink wasn’t in the drink. George said if you had the entire dosing of the potion, it would have poisoned you and killed you inside a minute. His theory and I agree is that a bare glossing on the lips would be enough for a dose, provided the poisoner was immune or protected.”

“You mean when she kissed me that first time, that was enough?”

“He reckons so. I took the sample to the Ministry Potioneer to test. But you know that will probably take weeks to make a determination.” Hermione glanced over at the two men, one in the bed and the other snoring even louder from his head thrown over the back of the chair. “When I write up the background for this case to present to my Director, I will have in it that you were dosed by a contaminated potion which caused you to be compromised by Carrington. I’m going to write up that, while compromised, it had no bearing on this case.”

“You know as well as I do that it’s no excuse. It means it’s already in your head and you’re acting on it, to hell with the consequences.”

Hermione stole a glance at Ron. “I know that one all too well,” Hermione said to herself. “We all make mistakes, Jones. I’ve made enough for a lifetime. All of us have.”

“Give it another twenty years or so, Granger, and get back with me about it.”

Hermione snorted. “Well, I’ll give you that.” She glanced back at the other two. “Since it’s half three, I’ll head home and have a kip. I have to be in at 8 am and speak with the director about the case involving junior Auror Carrington.”

“Granger?”

Hermione stopped at the door. “Yes?”

“You don’t like me. You never have. You were nothing but a pain in my arse the first year I knew you and you’re still a pain in the ass. Why?”

Hermione sighed. “Do you want the abridged answer or long one?”

“Both.” Stern witches looked at one another.

“Short answer, since you asked, is this: You’re condescending. You irritate me to no end. There’s something off about you that I can’t figure out.”

“It’s because I’m gay.”

“That’s not it. Who and how you engage in carnal relations is irrelevant to me. Anyway, the long answer is that you’re patronizing and I’m get upset when my researched suggestions on how to improve situations for your job are dismissed without given a second thought. So, you irritate me for being stupid. I don't trust anyone who won’t listen when someone provides an alternative, even if it’s rubbish. The only ones who can get away with it are asleep in this room. Furthermore, I don’t know you so I don’t trust you. Since we don’t work directly together, I won’t get to know you. But my husband and best friend swear that you’re on the up and up and they trust you with their lives. I trust them with mine. It could be that we’re knocking sparks.

“Every professional relationship we’ve had is where you are a supervisor or mentor, never a peer. You’ve never treated me as anywhere near your equal, much less those two who I love more than my own life. By Merlin, I’ve worked my ass off to earn your respect and they have too. At some point, I hope to hell that you will respect them. I can deal with you being rude towards me.”

The dark witch in the institutional white bed nodded. “It’s nothing I didn’t expect. Go on.”

“While your dedication and work ethic is incredible, it’s a façade and not who you really are. But I doubt at this point I’ll ever know.”

“Sorry Granger, but what you see is what you get.”

“Then you’re one hell of an actress because all I see is a rude crass witch. When I first met you, you were yet another face in line at Hogwarts, teaching things that I honestly didn’t think were important. Yes, you had authority as a Professor at Hogwarts. You were there at the personal invitation of Professor McGonagall. Yes, I knew that you were there on a Mission for the Minister, while also keeping watch. I admit that I didn’t handle your class well, especially giving cheek so often. But then I’d lived through probably the worst things in my entire life less than a year prior and I wasn’t going to listen to someone tell me that what I went through was bullshit.”

Hemera smirked.

“Yes, I cursed. I do that from time to time. Ron has rubbed off on me but sometimes the harshness of a particular word is necessary.”

“Go on. I’m listening. I figure that after the last couple of days, I should listen to my mistakes so I can learn from them. You’ll also not sugar coat anything for my benefit.”

Hermione leaned against the door. “I don’t know where you got the idea that we’d be friends from the first day. I don’t know why you presumed that I would be so open and trusting with someone I didn’t know. Not even Professor McGonagall can force that. But,” Hermione stopped and she saw Hemera nodding, “But when you were teaching us, you were so bloody mental. You didn’t listen to anything the survivors were telling you. Because you were an Auror, you taught the class like no one else had gone through anything worse than taking our OWLs. Everyone in your classroom of seventh-year students had been through hell, one way or another. Yet you treated us like first years that didn’t deserve to be out from our Mum’s apron strings.”

“I had a task, Granger. The Minister wanted you in the Auror Corps and we needed the help. He thought you would be an amazing asset. I was also there to see if anyone else had the aptitude for it. When you’re down to 12 Aurors from 100 because of the culling and the Coup, you take what might work.”

Hemera winced while shifting in her bed. “But there was something else, something personal. Ron let it slip that you attacked him one time, with magic. He explained what happened when he was first assigned to me as a trainee. He tried to say he was responsible for it, and I know that’s bullshit. But it caused a huge problem. Do you want to know what that was, and what happened as a result?” Hemera’s eyes flashed. “No matter how hard I worked him, insulted him, belittled him, or humiliated him, he wouldn’t raise his wand against me. An Auror who won’t defend himself is useless to me and will probably get a whole team killed. No matter what I did to him, he wouldn’t raise his wand against me. He’d have no problems with the other Seniors in training. But me, a woman? He said he couldn’t do it, ‘cause of what you did to him.

“Do you know how bloody long it took me to re-train Ron after that incident? It took a month of daily training; a month of wasted time, all because you got shirty he went and kissed another girl ‘cause you couldn’t pull your finger out and tell the bloke you fancied him.”

“I couldn’t afford to lose him as my best friend!” Hermione yelled. She looked and saw Harry roll over in his bed and Ron shift but went back to snoring. “I didn’t know and you never said.”

“I was too busy fixing your mistakes, mistakes you never bother to apologize for. Hell, even I can say I’m sorry and I’m as much of an asshole as anyone. But you? Ron casually mentions off-hand that he has to back down while rowing with you, and apologize any time that you think he’s wrong.”

“That’s impossible. Ron never backs down from a fight, especially with me.”

“Isn’t it? You weren’t there seeing him constantly being knocked on his arse because he wouldn’t raise his wand in self-defense. When someone you love attacks you with magic it is a hard betrayal to overcome. But somehow he did but the consequences held him back until he pulled his head out of his arse and raised his wand to me and fought back like you finally did. Sure it took me dropping my wand and beating him to a pulp with my fists before he got angry enough and slugged me back.”

“Good for him,” Hermione muttered. “I would have loved to slug you myself some of those days.”

“Things would have gone swimmingly for you had you tried, Granger. You might have gotten over your fear and made something of yourself, for the Auror corps.”

“I have, but not in the way you or the Minister envisioned.

“And I am, but not in the way he envisioned. No, you tried your damnedest to get me to fall into that, risking life and limb like Ron and Harry.” Hermione bit her lip and stared at her husband, sitting awkwardly in the chair, still snoring, while Harry had turned on his side, skewing his glasses, snoring softly in the dim light of the room. “We went through hell and saw too much. I still have nightmares, these years later.” Her voice cracked on the last words. She took a big breath. “I couldn’t cope with it as a job, not after seeing people I respected, murdered before my very eyes.” Hermione turned back and wiped her face with her hand, smearing the last of the minuscule make-up she deigned to wear. “You’ve seen people murdered in front of you, I presume, right?” Hemera nodded. “Have you ever been in the situation where you couldn’t do a damn thing to save them, not when you had a greater task to accomplish? I did and witnessing that traumatized me. Those nightmares, of seeing him be killed right in front of our eyes, and I had to sit there and watch him bleed out, struggling to keep the blood from seeping from between his fingers and failing. I had to watch his last minute of life and not lift a finger to save him. I can still hear that scream, of fear and agony, in my nightmare. Sometimes I’m screaming. Sometimes it’s Harry or Ron.

“And then there was the torture I went through. That was… I still live with the side-effects. Did Ron ever tell you of those? It’s never fun being constantly cold, yet living with the nerve pain in my hands and strange tingling in my legs and feet. There are some days that a pain potion barely takes the edge off, much less lets me function. It’s like a toxic neuropathy and there is no cure for it. It’s also a bloody wonder that particular bit of information hasn’t been sold to the highest bidder. But then you were pretty instrumental, I presume, in keeping that bit of information quiet while at school, too, right?

Hemera nodded, barely.

“And then there was that moment when I was faced with the person responsible for my torture and why I still have side-effects of it. There was no way in Hell I would let her hurt my friends. Even if I died, I wasn’t going to stand aside. There was only one outcome, and it didn’t include arresting her.” Hermione motioned her wand and a chair slid over to her. She collapsed into it. “And that scares me, Hemera, and why I realized that I could never take Kingsley’s offer to be an Auror. My fury overrode any good sense when I saw her blasting people left and right inside the Great Hall. I was so angry, watching her hurt kids. I promised that no one else would be hurt by her. When I went up against her, I had no intention of disarming her. No, when I faced her, I fully intended to kill her, if I could.”

“But you didn’t,” Hemera spoke softly.

Hermione seemed to shrink down in the chair. “It wasn’t for a lack of trying on all of our parts. I only realized later that Luna and Ginny were there with me dueling by my side. I didn’t know Harry was alive until that powerful shield charm went up in front of Mrs. Weasley. Only he could do that. I wasn’t in any condition to think beyond the next moment and it didn’t include protecting her.”

“How can you remember all of this, so many years later?”

“Oh, that? I have iconic and eidetic memory. I’ve been that way since I was a child. I can remember things easily but distilling information that is useful is hard.”

“But I’ve seen you work your ass off. If you are so powerfully minded, why are you such a workaholic?”

“You know why,” she replied quietly. “It’s pretty obvious.”

“You are paranoid, that you don’t belong, and that paranoia makes you a pain in the ass to those who know you. You have to be the best at everything, even if it hurts your friends. You’re also afraid to fail.”

Hermione nodded once. “I’ve been through hell, estrangement, and loss. I’ve suffered from insomnia that would drive most people around the twist after the nightmares were too much. I’ve survived things that drove some of the best Aurors to a complete mental breakdown. And after everything, including you riding my ass, I’m still afraid of failing, whatever that might be.” Hermione glanced over at the other two men in the room and saw them both snoring away. She turned back to regard the witch in the bed. “After the whole thing with Mrs. Weasley and the rows I had with Ron, I had to step back and actually trust them. They can’t always explain things to my satisfaction when the time is vital. But Ron’s never let me down when it comes to doing his job the right way.

“The only thing I worry about now is how this job hurts him so much.” Hermione rubbed her eyes again, smudging the eyeshadow just a bit more.

“Someone has to do the grotty work, Granger. It takes someone with integrity to do it without being corrupted quickly.”

“And what about you?” Her bloodshot eyes were as hard as diamonds. “I might wonder if a pretty set of eyes can make you turn your head.”

“You never pull a punch, do you?”

Hermione didn’t smile. “I’m told it’s one of my better qualities.”

“Is this a Ministry endorsed interrogation?”

“No. This is me asking you if you’ve been corrupted. I won’t have those two,” she glanced behind her and saw Harry with his eyes barely open. If Harry was awake, Ron would be too. She turned back to Auror Jones. “I won’t have them working with someone who can be bribed with sex to turn the other way or refuse to arrest someone they have had a dalliance with. I’ll report you myself, even at the cost of upsetting them. I will do everything in my power to keep another coup from happening. And it starts with corruption.”

“How dare you!” Hemera roared.

Hermione’s voice was ice. “I dare because I love them more than my own life. I’ve proven it to them. You haven’t. Answer me now or so help me – “ Hermione pulled her wand and stared down the older witch in the bed.

“Enough. I’ll answer.” Hemera took a deep breath. “I did as required, informing Kingsley of what happened immediately. I also wrote it up for the Director and it’s in my record, for when my fitness report comes up. It’s only now that my partner found out and might throw me over the side. It might be that those who work for me, like you two sodding idiots, quit respecting me, for what happened.” Hermione glanced over and saw both were wide awake. “But if the Director demands my credentials and I’m forced out for it, I’ll accept it. If Aurora throws me aside for my indiscretion, I’ll accept that too. Merlin knows I’ve cocked up my life enough these past few months to everyone’s ire. Satisfied?”

Hermione dropped her wand and stowed it in the concealed holster on her left arm. “For now,” she answered.

Ron erupted in laughter. “Merlin, you’re as bad as I am.” Ron chortled. He stood and stretched, showing off a small strip of skin and some ginger hairs along his navel. “Every time I cock up, I expect everyone to kick me out of the house,” Ron smiled at Hermione, “Fire me from my job and get kicked in the shin by this git.” Ron looked at Harry and smiled. “And you know what? It never happens, no matter how much the fuck up. You might get yelled at but that’ll probably be the end of it.”

Hermione pushed her chair aside and went to her husband. He bent down for a quick chaste kiss and stretched again. “Heading home or back to the Ministry?”

“I’m going home for a shower, a kip, something to eat. That order might be different. I’ll be in my office around 8. I have to talk with my Director over what happened.” Hermione tucked her purse under her elbow along with the sealed parcel of the contaminated potion and went for the door. “I’ll leave the office around noon so we can have a little time together.”

Ron and Hemera watched Hermione depart. Hemera shifted back into the bed, wincing. “I think I’m due for another dose of pain potion.”

“It’s only,” Ron looked at his watch, as battered as it was, “four am. I thought you weren’t due to get more ‘til six.”

“Nah. I got dosed at 10 pm. Though Merlin knows how little I’ve slept the last couple of days. I could use a few hours of being conked out on pain meds.”

“When was the last time you slept more than four hours?”

“I dunno, maybe a week ago?”

“When the nurse comes in, ask her if she’d get a Healer to sign off on a dose of Dreamless sleep. Merlin knows when I’m too keyed I take a half dose and I’m out for twelve hours.”

“A half dose?”

“Yeah, I’m sensitive to the ingredients. They work too well for me. Hermione, though, she takes a full dose, rarely but she will, and she might sleep for seven hours. Though if she sleeps that long, she’s sore and sluggish and anxious, like she’s afraid she missed something. But most nights she’ll sleep about five. Her insomnia won’t let her sleep any more.”

“I’m impressed, Weasley. She’s so protective of you, when she’s a world class pain in the ass. But I can also tell that you are so very good for her. You interact like you’ve been married for years, not 2 of them. It’s rare to have a partner willing to have a row with their supervisor.”

“You know her as well as I do, frankly. But after the war, she did change. I like to think that my sister and Luna had a lot to do with it, about how she finally learned to appreciate things and quit knocking sparks over everything. When she left for Hogwarts was completely different than when she came home. I dunno what happened or how it happened, but she changed and it was for the better. Merlin, I sound like a ponce for saying this, to you of all people.”

“I get it. I watched it slowly that year at Hogwarts. I’m not privy to what happened since I wasn’t the Gryffindor Head of House, but I do know that the three of them were thick as thieves that year, along with that nice lad Dean Thomas. Sure I learned that he was having relations with Luna Lovegood – “

“Yeah, that threw all of us for a huge loop. But then they have a particularly special bond, the way Luna talks about it. But they seemed to help one another heal, or at least cope with their experiences in the war.”

“Minerva never did tell me how Luna kept getting into the Gryffindor common room.”

“Luna? I doubt the Fat Lady would keep Luna out since she was part of the group protecting the younger students. Then again she’s pretty smart in her own ways, even if she seems a bit daft in others. She’s sweet in her own wonky ways. I’d not trade her for much of anything. I’m sure she was able to access it whenever she wanted.”

Ron pointed his wand at the door and quickly dropped it. A medi-witch came in with a tray of potions. “It’s time for Auror Jones to receive her medications. I also have some for Auror Potter if he’s awake.”

Ron turned to see Harry and he was back snoring away. “You might be able to get him at 6.”

Ron and Hemera watched the medi-witch document all of the potions she was taking and what doses. She inquired about having a dose of Dreamless sleep and received an approval for it, too. Eventually, everything was completed and Hemera was settled back into her bed after stepped gingerly to the Loo with the medi-witch and Ron’s help.

“I can’t believe you saw my arse. I’ve lived for forty years and today is the first time someone, not my Healer or lover or parent has seen my arse.”

“Well, it did look rather fit,” he cheeked.

Hemera yawned. “The potions seem to be working quickly.”

“I’m on duty ‘til six. If you wake after, I’m sure someone else will be here with you.”

“You know that it’s rubbish that we have an Auror on duty for anyone in the Hospital now. It seems like a waste of manpower, standing guard over sleeping patients.” Hemera drifted off to sleep, leaving Ron smirking.

“Maybe so but if the Director says so, then I do so. But maybe we can start having Apprentice Aurors assigned that task.” Ron went back to his chair and found a magazine to read while whittling away the hours of boredom remaining.

“Your wand is rattling, dear.”

Ron heard the voice in the distance but he couldn’t care.

“Ron, it’s the office. They need you to come in.”

“Sod’em,” He muttered from his pillow.

“Well, yes, that is a normal response but this came from Kingsley himself.”

“What time is it?”

“Noon.”

“Fuck,” He rolled over and found the bedroom entirely too bright, Hermione too awake, and the day way too early for his own good. “This better be bloody well important, waking me after 3 hours of sleep.” He found his black trousers tossed haphazardly on the floor along with a vest and shirt. Deprecations erupted periodically from him, all while Hermione was intentionally not paying attention.

He went to the loo and splashed some water on his face and ran his wet fingers through his hair. He looked like an Inferius left in the bog entirely too long. Sod’em since they woke him after one of the worst days of his professional life.

“I’m going in. I have no idea when I’ll be back.” He stepped to the fireplace and stopped when he saw Hermione come up to him wearing one of his shirts. She had the sleeves rolled up halfway to her elbows and the tail ends covered all of the exciting and important bits. “See if they can give you a few of days off. You look like you need a break.” She stretched up on her toes to give him a kiss and a squeeze of his bum. “That’s your incentive to get back home as soon as possible.”

“Bloody tease,” He growled and got a handful of Floo powder. He barked the destination and was off in a swirl of green flames. Mere moments later he was standing in the lift at the Ministry, giving everyone a shirty glance to anyone who dared look at him. Fortunately it was Saturday and the Ministry wasn’t crowded. The lift quickly dropped him at the proper floor and scurried off, like the lift was running from him. He stalked into the department and saw a few others at their desks, working on other assignments.

The Director’s door was open as he expected. “Better be bollocks and I can get back to sleep,” he said to himself.

Knock knock knock

“Enter,” a gravelly voice barked through the door.

Ron stepped in and saw that the Minister was present, along with the Director and the Chief Mugwump for the Wizengamot, Ewan Purifoy. “Gentlemen,” Ron affirmed everyone in the room before standing at the door.

“I apologize for calling you in but the Minister and the Head Warlock have some questions for you.”

“Do I need my Ministry supplied Solicitor present?”

The Chief Mugwump spoke up. “No, this isn’t a formal inquiry.”

“Sure seems like it,” Ron said under his breath. “How can I help?”

“Auror Weasley,” the elderly warlock motioned for Ron to move to the chair next to the director’s desk. Ron shuddered slightly, recalling how the chair of judgment was in chambers. “I asked because you’re too tall and I can’t keep my neck bent like that too long.”

Ron chuckled. “Yes, sir.” Ron sat down on the edge of the seat and fought his nerves, which tended to include bouncing on his toes and dry-washing his hands.

“Now, will you tell us about the events in the flat at Diagon Alley yesterday? Junior Auror Carrington was related to some other people on the Wizengamot and some are quite upset at what has been said about her in relation to the situation. I’m here to get clarification on this sordid situation.”

“What’s there to be upset about? She kidnapped two people to force her way into being an Auror. She heard a story from another Auror that in the older times, a Junior would have a Senior kidnapped and then mount a rescue. But when the Junior Auror realized that blackmail wouldn’t work, nor the kidnapping scheme, she got desperate to receive the promotion.

“Thing is, had she just kept her head for another fortnight, she would have gotten it. Her actions in blackmailing Pierre Cavendish wouldn’t have gotten out and she’d have gotten what she wanted.”

“Why do you say that, Auror Weasley? I had someone pull her personnel file and she was a model apprentice. There is no documentation of any impropriety on her part, ever.”

Ron sat up a little taller. “The department had some promotions recently and there were additional slots for promotion. She was in the top 4 already and while a bit aggressive in her ambition, she was capable of doing her job without cocking things up. But for some reason which we haven’t found out yet, she was blackmailing Pierre Cavendish to get the promotion and when that didn’t work, because of the change to require two senior Aurors to sign off on it, she tried to blackmail Senior Jones.”

“So it was Miss Carrington who did all of those dreadful things? It wasn’t someone who set her up, or committed these unspeakable crimes to frame her?”

Ron looked at the Chief Mugwump like he’d unscrewed the only bulb in his head. “Yes, sir. Senior Jones is in St. Mungo’s right now with significant injuries from the ordeal, including a broken shoulder from me falling on her to shield her from further injury. Junior Carrington murdered another junior Auror that she kidnapped and two more juniors perished trying to save him. To abscond with the victims, she had to stun more than one Auror and used an Unforgivable Curse to incapacitate me. I dunno sir but the number of witnesses can confirm everything that happened.”

“Was he dead, Auror Weasley, the other junior Auror you mentioned?”

“I can’t say for certain either way, sir. He wasn’t moving but he could have been breathing or seriously injured. No one was able to determine his situation.”

The elderly wizard turned to the Director and Minister Shacklebolt. “Gentlemen, this is most troubling, most troubling indeed. How will the others on the Wizengamot react to knowing that Angus McClaggen’s great-niece was involved in this problem? Secondly, they aren’t going to be happy that half of our upcoming Aurors were killed on a botched rescue mission.”

“She’s related to that idiot?” Ron exclaimed.

All three men turned to Ron and he turned aubergine. “Sorry, sir. My apologies.”

“Do you have something to say, Mr. Weasley?” The elderly wizard’s watery blue eyes bored into him.

Ron gulped. “No, sir. I was out of line. Please continue.” Ron kept his eyes focused over Kingsley’s shoulder to keep from shrinking down from all of the withering gazes.

The men turned back to Director Robards. “Gawain, let me ask this: Who came up with this bloody stupid idea? Everything I’ve read on the rescue mission seems like it’s completely against procedures and risky, proving so with so many fatalities. Was it this idiot?”

Ron gulped but saw Robards shake his head slightly.

“No, it wasn’t.” The Director’s gravelly voice betrayed no emotions. “Auror Jones and I discussed how to find the traitor in the department. If we had asked Weasley or Potter to be the bait, they would have done so. Neither of them has ever shirked their duty as Aurors from the first day as trainees. But Auror Jones mentioned that she thought Carrington was behind the unexplained deaths, because of the blackmail attempt in the fall. She offered to be the bait and trust Weasley and Potter to rescue her since the whole department knows that they are the best at rescues.”

Ron flushed at the enormous compliment the director gave him, but kept quiet and listened.

“Auror Jones knew the risks and once Potter and Weasley were briefed they were on the plan. What we didn’t anticipate was Carrington would kidnap Junior Auror Archer as well. He left a parcel in his desk containing information pertaining to Junior Carrington. He implicated her in various instances of lawbreaking, muggle and magical. There are additional instances of blackmail, going back from the first day she was an apprentice. All instances crossed the line from network to corruption.

“As for the rescue, like every single plan, it only lasts until the mission starts. Everything from there is adapt and overcome. While I did not approve of having two apprentice Aurors maintain a perimeter of the scene, it was what they had, given our limited manpower the last 3 days. The two in question are top of their class and followed procedure to the letter. Every other Auror was out on assignment or on Medical duty. The only ones immediately available were the junior Aurors present with Weasley and Potter.”

“Why is it, Gawain, that anytime there is a problem with this department, I always hear the names Potter and Weasley? I never have a complaint from any of the other Aurors except those two blithering idiots.”

Ron watched Director Robards face grow harder, somehow.

“Well, sir,” frost floated in the room from those two little words, “I trust them to follow procedure until things go sideways and then adapt and overcome, with the least amount of complications. You’ll also note that there was only one case up to now where the department Obliviators had to be called in to settle the situation and that was the case last year.”

“The only one? I didn’t know that.”

“Yes, sir. They are very sensitive to muggle sensibilities and their explanations are easily accepted by the civilian population. Yes, they cock things up from time to time but they are excellent Aurors and a tremendous asset to the department.”

“So you’re saying this incompetent idiot isn’t responsible for the death of four junior Aurors? I was told by a source that it was this stupid sod’s idea.”

“You’re an idiot, Ewan. Weasley knows better than to go above my head and has since I busted him two years ago. Right, Weasley?” Ron nodded emphatically. “So no, sir. If anyone is responsible, I am. I’m the Director and any mission requires my authorization. Potter and Weasley do not go off a mission without approval. Isn’t that right, Senior Auror Weasley?”

“Senior Auror? When the bloody hell did he receive a promotion? Why wasn’t I notified?”

“Sir,” Robards settled back into his chair. “While you are on the Wizengamot and Chief Mugwump, I have discretion on who earns promotions and who gets held back. Potter and Weasley earned their promotions, many times over. You, however, sir, were the one who demanded they be held back from it for the last 2 years, for some bloody reason I can’t fathom. Every single time I requested their promotion, you rejected it. Well, this time, the Minister saw that my request was legitimate and approved it, overriding your veto.”

The old wizard scowled. “Don’t take that tone with me, Gawain. I am still Chief Mugwump and the Wizengamot listens to my counsel.  Your voice is small by comparison.”

“They do, but you never explained to my satisfaction why you outright rejected their promotions when others before them received so for doing considerably less.”

The Chief Mugwump turned to stare at Ron. “I don’t trust a traitor, ever. There’s only one of the bunch worth his wand is that Percival. The rest? These Weasleys were at the heart of it. This idiot was part of the coup – “

Ron jumped out of the chair, now towering over the doddering old man. “You’re full of shit, sir. The coup was when Voldemort, using Pius Thicknesse as his puppet, ran the ministry, decimated the wizarding community using that completely mental fuckstrumpet Umbridge to do his dirty work, and had that criminal Yaxley destroy the Auror corps by preventing anyone who wasn’t a pureblood from working in the department. Those who were left committed assassinations on behalf of the Death Eaters – or turned the other way when the same ones did the murders.”

The elderly wizard waved his hand away, like brushing away an annoying biteme. “You still broke the laws, repeatedly, and caused the deaths of –“

“How the bloody fuck did you ever stay in the Ministry?” Ron could barely growl out his words. “Were you one of those cowards who stayed back, kept your head down but supported what the bastards were doing, killing Muggles and Muggleborns with impunity and demanding that all Half-bloods be subservient? You’re a disgrace. No wonder why shit can’t be fixed, not with a – “

“Get this bastard out of here,” The Chief reached for his sleeve to pull his wand. “This arrogant piece of shit – “

Ron had his wand out and pointed at the chief in a heartbeat, while the other two were slower to intervene. “Don’t raise your wand at me, sir.” Ron bit off every word. “I will not allow you to harm me or anyone else in this room, including yourself. I don’t understand why you are so hostile to me but I might ask the Director to -”

“Weasley, enough. Head home and get some sleep.” Director Robards gave a hard look and Ron nodded. “You’re off duty until Thursday when we will hold the debriefing.  You aren’t to discuss this case until the debriefing.”

“Yes, sir.” Ron stowed his wand and stalked to the door, slamming it behind him.

“The titmange wankstain,” he muttered to himself. “Bastard kept us back because he despises us for being Muggle supporters. Asshole needs to be kicked out.”

Ron picked up his ruck and made his way to the lifts. He was going to do as the Minister insist, taking off until Thursday.  He could use some sleep, a decent meal, and some time with his wife, and if he was lucky, it wouldn’t be in that order. He’s have to deal with the consequences of giving cheek to the Chief Mugwump but that will be for another day.

The lift doors opened and he stepped inside to find his brother Percy inside. “Another bloody Weasley and the only damn honest Weasley of the bunch.” Ron snorted. “Well aren’t you a sight for exhausted eyes.”

Percy looked up from his stack of parchment. “Oh, hi Ron. What brings you in on a Saturday morning?”

“Case problems. Say, do you know the Chief Mugwump Purifoy?”

“I actually do. He’s a remarkable man and a brilliant mind. Why?”

“The bastard accused me being part of the coup and – “

“Oh, yes, that.” Percy’s face fell. “He is addled minded when it comes to those who don’t follow the law, regardless of whether it’s morally right or not. Law and Order is his priority, regardless of who is administering the law or who is harmed.”

“So when Umbridge was running things,” Ron couldn’t finish his thought.

“Yes, well, he supported her then too, because it was codified by fiat upon installation of Thicknesse as the Minister. It didn’t matter that it was by fiat, only that it was codified. Don’t worry, though. He gets bent at anyone who wasn’t part of the law and order of the time. It’s not just you.”

“So he considers you a good ministry drone?”

Percy flushed.

“That’s what I thought. Look, see if you can put a good word in his ear since he holds you in high esteem.”

“Of course I will.” Percy adjusted his glasses. The door lifts opened and the shorter redhead wearing half-moon glasses stepped forward, holding the gate. “He’s wrong, you know, whatever he said. You did what the rest of us couldn’t – keep Harry alive so we could have our way of life. I might be a stupid blithering idiot and blind to my own ambition but I also know how much you helped save all of us.” Percy let the gate go and the interior doors closed. “See you tomorrow.”

Ron waited for a hairbreadth and exhaled the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Merlin! First the Director and then my brother? What’s going on? I must be going mental from insomnia.”

The lift doors opened again and he stepped out, heading for the Floo and a sandwich, his wife, and his bed – all of which he needed immediately.

“Of course you’re important. Putt your finger out, you twat.”