#what if i really am just gaslighting myself into being depressed????

[uselessnocturnal]

making plans, thinking about the future…that’s not something a depressed person would do right?

[medievill]

okay. okay. I think I've finally figured out the worst part of the "Ed's going to be an abuser just like his dad" headcanon some of y'all have.

let's go for a ride.

abuse is cyclical, and not just in a micro sense. it's not just "I love you, you're garbage, I'm sorry, I love you, I'm the only one who loves you because you're garbage, I'm sorry, I love you," etc. I mean macro. I mean generationally.

I mean that parents teach their children how to have relationships. we show our kids how adults interact with each other, how adults interact with kids, how kids should interact with kids. we model this behavior constantly. it's one of the most nerve-wracking things about being a parent, actually: you live in a fish bowl now, and the fish bowl is your home, and your children are constantly observing your behavior and interactions, even when you don't want them to, even when you think they're not.

growing up in a home with an abusive parent doesn't just expose you to the abuse—physical, emotional, psychological, religious, whatever it is—it teaches the child that this is how relationships work. and then this kid goes out into the world, interacting with other humans all willy-nilly, and bringing all the knowledge that their parents armed them with to bear. and when the kid (hopefully) realizes that wait, actually, shouting and throwing things and hitting people isn't good, that's not the way you interact, it is solely up to that kid to fix their shit. if they're lucky, they've got someone in their life to help them with that. but even once you've recognized that there's Bad Stuff happening in your interpersonal relationships, you have to retrain your brain. you have to change your go-to reaction. because you can recarve your neural pathways, but it is fucking hard work.

I didn't grow up with a physically abusive parent; I grew up with an emotionally abusive one. every time my partner does something that annoys me, or we disagree on something, and my reaction is "well, I don't really feel like talking"—if you don't think that I don't half- to full-on panic about wait is this the silent treatment, am I doing what my dad did, you are absolutely incorrect. it is a constant fear, that my reactions are inherently abusive. I am constantly gaslighting myself into believing that everything I do in a relationship is bad, hurtful, abusive. I am constantly having to convince myself that it's okay sometimes not to want to talk, and to sometimes be annoyed, and to sometimes disagree, and that none of this is inherently abusive.

now. Ed fucking Teach. do you not think the guy's spent some time introspecting? examining his inner most self? he's smart, and he's depressed, so, yeah. I bet he has. so do you not think, you absolute monsters, that he isn't doing the same fucking thing? Ed Teach, who convinced himself that defending him and his mom against constant violence (a white man, and as if this was a random choice)—ultimately saving their lives (and no, this is not an exaggeration)—made him an unloveable, unlikeable monster. Ed Teach, who is so desperate for love and friendship that his biggest fantasy is owning an inn, where people stay because they want to.

do you really think that one of the thousand internal battles Ed my beloved is fighting isn't don't be your dad don't be your dad don't be your dad? fighting, fucking tooth and nail, to be different. (same as Stede!) this reactionary headcanon literally misses so much of the point of the whole character; it buys into the British Navy's propaganda about him, and worse. it buys into the narrative that a man of color is inherently violent, inherently incapable of change.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I The Asshole for comforting my friend’s ex-partner?

People in this story: Me (19M), my friend, Jason (17M), his ex-partner, Leon (16M) [All fake names]

So, my friend Jason recently broke up with Leon, after a year of them being together (like, right after their anniversary). This was honestly a long time coming, as Jason has been venting to me about all these little things that Leon has done (he never visits Jason at work, he rarely buys gifts or pays for dates even though Jason always does, he’s too clingy, etc) so I wasn’t surprised, and I don’t think either Jason or Leon were very surprised either.

Jason is actually very happy he finally ended the relationship, and now that it’s over, he started to open up to me more about things Leon has done. He’s saving the in-depth conversation for when we can talk in person, but he told me there was manipulation and gaslighting going on, I just don’t know how or to what severity. Although, despite this, Jason says he doesn’t really have much ill will against Leon, and while he doesn’t want to remain friends (and now has him blocked on socials), is still fine interacting with him. (Of course, they’re in high school together so they’ll have to interact pretty frequently.)

Leon on the other hand… is pretty torn up. Which is understandable, even if it is his fault Jason broke up with him. He was publicly (but subtly) venting on social media, and Jason told me that during the breakup he was also very visibly upset and talked about thinking he (himself) deserved to die. (Which is… possibly a manipulation tactic, possibly a depressed teenager thing, but most likely a mix of both.)

Now, I’m friends with both of them (it’s hard not to be, since they’re almost always together). I’m closer with Jason and we talk almost every day, but Leon and I are somewhat close as well, so it wasn’t surprising to me when Leon messaged me to talk about the breakup.

Leon send multiple paragraphs venting about the breakup. He basically just told me he feels guilty, and hopeless, and he felt like his efforts in the relationship could only be seen by himself. He also told me he understands and won’t judge if I start to dislike him now that Jason broke up with him, and asked me to take care of Jason now that he won’t be able to.

Some of his message seemed a little manipulative-y? (Like the self-depreciation, he was also somewhat implying he wanted to kill himself…?) Which makes sense with everything Jason told me about him, but I still tried to respond the same way I would respond to any friend who just had a bad breakup, while also throwing a little “I hope you learn and grow from this” in there for good measure.

Because, see, I believe Jason when he says Leon was manipulative and a toxic partner. And I know Leon is probably fishing for sympathy, at least a bit. However… He’s also 16 years old. Which doesn’t make any of Leon’s actions okay, obviously. A 16 year-old should know right from wrong. But I know 16 year olds have a lot of growing up to do, and I don’t think Leon is an irredeemably bad person.

I can’t know for certain if Leon was purposefully acting malicious or if he was just too immature to understand what he did wrong. But either way, I’d feel like a dick telling a 16 year old who sees me as a good friend that I don’t want to hear him vent or I don’t care about his problem because it’s all his fault anyway. So, I just listened, told him I hope he grows from this, and told him to take care of himself and I hope things get better for him.

I’m definitely going to distance myself from him going forward, probably especially when Jason tells me the rest of the details of their relationship, but I figured the breakup is so fresh (happened the day before Leon came to me) I can at least let him vent for now. Break ups do fucking suck, even if it is your fault or you deserved it. So, I don’t know. Jason didn’t seem too bothered with what I said to Leon, but idk. AITA? I hope that all made sense :’)

What are these acronyms?

[yourlocalartsonist]

ROTTMNT Moths Fly In Packs - Chapter Nine

HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT I'M ALIVE AND I AM SO SORRY! It's been way too long and I'm genuinely sorry this chapter took several fucking months to make but IT'S FINALLY DONE! It ended up way longer than I intended man, I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE SHORT. It's my longest chapter yet fun fact. I don't even regret it really, it benefited so much from the extra effort. Hopefully the next few chapters won't take this long but I will refrain from jinxing myself again so🧍‍♀️Anyway enough blabbering, hope y'all enjoy this one ;w;

CREDIT To the MFIP Team: Thank you to @yosajaeofficial, @urlocalmj, misfortun3_ismyname (on TikTok), @chaoticspeedrun, @ramblehour and @goldanrabbit for being my lovely editors! MAN did they give this chapter a lot of polish-

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Chapter One

Disclaimer: Chapter involves verbal abuse/manipulation, harassment, gaslighting, depressive thoughts, violence, blood, mentions of a wounded limb, brief mentions of nausea, displayed anxiety, and curse words. If you're sensitive to that, scroll past and stay safe!

I rushed around my room throwing shit on as fast as I could. Not fast enough apparently, since my phone’s vibrating like it’s gonna explode.

It’s late as hell right now, but Zane insisted on meeting up. Pretty randomly at, like, 11pm on a school night. I was initially planning to reject the idea or ghost with the excuse of sleeping, but it’s been a good while since I actually did hang out with him. I know insomnia’s gonna keep me up for a bit anyway, so why the hell not? We might even have fun! Just wish he’d stop flooding my notifs like I didn't already say I was actively getting ready.

I looked in the mirror, checking to see if I was presentable enough for the outside realm. My reflection’s the same as always; for better or worse. Still the same pink dress, same green skirt, same  boots. Can’t forget the gold earrings; the only emergency asset I held onto. I don’t know what I expected. I don’t have much to work with. Guess the gloves from Donnie are new, at least. But I’m still getting… bored? A change in appearance—even a small one—might be able to fill that hole for a while. Keep me distracted.

Maybe I could do something with my hair tonight? I still have Mi’s ribbon lying here somewhere.

I ignored Zane’s digital pestering and spent a few extra minutes shuffling through drawers and boxes, eventually finding her long, white ribbon—handmade from moth silk. She wore it all the time. I barely remember her hair being fully down unless she was sleeping or about to shower. Except for that one night, of course. The night she left and was never found again. She almost did take the ribbon with her. Had her hair done up in a bun and everything, even a little fancier than usual. But she took it off once she saw me behind her, barely reflected in the mirror. She crouched down, placed it in my tiny palms, and gave me her wonderfully warm smile. It’s the last thing she left me with. The last gift she could ever give me. 

After that, the ribbon’s survived years of storage and then more years of… unconventional bullshit use. I know moth silk ain’t the weakest thing on Earth but I’ve deadass used this ribbon as a make-shift pulley system to sneak stuff into my room through the window before, some of which weighed more than me! Its got the endurance of a Nokia at this point. 

I’ve barely used the ribbon for its intended purpose, though. I mean, how could I? I’m not my mom no matter how similar we look. Maybe this is a me-thing, but I always felt wearing the ribbon would be like replacing her with myself. 

Although, I’m sure Mi would’ve loved it if I wore it. 

Using the ribbon, I tied my hair into a ponytail and styled it as a loose bow, just to see how it would look. The white tails gently draped over my back down to my hips. I never quite realized how long the ribbon was before now. I don’t look as fancy or pretty as mom did, but it’s the best I’ve got. It… it doesn’t look bad, though, I think. It actually looks kinda nice! Maybe I’ll use it a bit more often. 

My phone’s repeated buzzing snapped me out from my trance. “Alright, alright, shut up already.” I groaned. Zane’s growing impatient.

You: hey sorry I jsut finished getting ready

You: heading out the door now! :3 

Fuck doors. Sneaking out became a whole lot easier ever since I did it from my window, but he doesn’t have to know that. I can already imagine him scolding me about the dangers of dropping down from high places, even with the fire escape there. He wouldn’t be wrong, per se, but at this point I’ve handled worse. Would probably send him into cardiac arrest if he knew what I’d actually been up to these few months.

I sprinted to the spot we agreed to meet up at. Zane was already there, leaning against the wall with his hands stuffed in his pockets like always. 

“Salena! Hey!” He lit up like a star when he saw me, beckoning me over.

God, for a sour person, he has such a sweet smile. He’s usually so good at being intimidating and frightening. Yet the second he brings out his smile, all that built-up fear washes away like it was never there to begin with. 

“I almost thought you wouldn’t come.”

“Well, I figured I could use some fresh air.” I tilted my head to the side, eyeing his fit. “You left your sweater at home?”

“Hm?” He followed my gaze to his pitch black tank top in place of the usual outfit. “Oh, right! Yeah, the weather’s too hot for a sweater tonight. Forgot I changed it, really.”

Now that I’m looking closer, his choker’s missing too. It probably didn’t match with the top. Seems like it got swapped with a black watch on his left wrist that complimented the look way more. Doesn’t matter what he pretends to be though, I know Zane pays very close attention to his appearance. He’s gotta maintain the rep of our grade’s “Pretty Boy” after all. When it comes to him, every little detail matters.

Wait a sec…

“What happened to your arm?”

I couldn’t see ‘till he turned towards me but his left arm had a deep bluish-purple bruise spread across it. It looked like it was from something long like a pipe or a bat. Either way, it was gnarly enough to worry me. 

“Oh that. It’s nothing too bad.” He shrugged.

“You kiddin’ me? It looks awful! What happened?” I carefully grabbed his arm and took a closer look at the mark. I wish Leo was here, but thankfully I’ve picked up a little medic knowledge from him so I can at least tell if a bone is broken or not.

“Hey, don’t get your feathers all fluffed! I got a little hurt rough-housing with the guys, that’s all. You know how they are.”

“Rough-housing? Or a secret murder attempt?” I was only being half sarcastic. It wouldn’t be out of character for them.

“Don’t worry! It’s really sweet of you to care, but they’d never dare hurt me on purpose! Now, on another note…“ He paused for a moment, taking a proper look at me. For a little bit, I couldn’t tell why he smirked. “Looks like someone wanted to look cute tonight, ey? You wore your hair up.”

“Huh?” I touched my hair, forgetting I changed it earlier. “Oh, um, yeah! I-I did! I thought I’d give it a try. Does it… um, you know, look too bad or weird or?…”

“No! No, it… it looks really pretty.” Oh god, that’s a relief to hear! I was so paranoid it wouldn’t suit— “I gotta ask, though.”

I caught him inching closer. I tried creating space, but quickly realized I was up against the wall again. Should’ve been more careful about that. His hand reached out, bringing back all sorts of cringe-inducing memories. He didn’t technically pin me like last time, but he tucked my bangs back behind my ear. Feeling his fingers come into contact with my skin almost feels just as nauseating, though. 

“How’d you know I had a thing for girls in ponytails?”

And fuck, he made it weird again.

“Z-Zane?”

“Yeah?…” WHY ISN’T HE GETTING THE HINT!? “You know, you always look so soft when you dress up. You just bloom.”

“…So! What are we doing tonight?” 

His smile slightly dropped, likely upset I ruined whatever moment he was trying to have. Honestly, didn’t matter to me, as shitty as that sounds. I just wanted to change the topic so he’d step back a bit. We go through this every time; this stupid ass, awkward aura. I wish it would stop happening. 

On the bright side, he did step back and redirect his focus to answering my question. On the not so bright side, his answer was a pathetic shrug.

“I don’t know.”

“Y-you… What do you mean you don’t know? I snuck out here in the middle of the night, you told me it’d be something special! You’ve gotta have something planned.”

“Honest, I don’t! I thought it was beautiful outside and it reminded me of you. Wanted to see where such a lovely night could take us. I think that’s special enough, don’t you?”

“W-Well, I mean—“

He chuckled “What’s wrong? You’re not backing out now, are you?” 

I may have praised his smile earlier, but right now it’s making my eye twitch. I’m a little peeved knowing he brought me out here for shits and giggles when I could’ve at least been resting in bed, replenishing some of my energy. I know I don’t have the best sleeping habits, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get tired from the constant action going on! I don’t even know how long he’s gonna keep me hostage for! But… he’s also right that it’d be kinda shitty to bail now. Besides, I’m already out here so…

I guess all that’s left to do is suck it up and try to make the best of it. 

“Well, do you wanna… go for a walk or something?”

“Sounds perfect to me! Come on, hold my hand, Dove.”

For someone who supposedly didn’t have a plan, he sure took an awful lot of charge during that walk. He suggested we go to Central Park and practically dragged me there despite my common sense screaming to never go to that hellspawn at night. Although, I can’t complain too much. The park’s definitely the best place to see the stars, and tonight had clear skies! He made sure to keep a tight grip on me in case we ran into any classic New York weirdos anyway, so I should probably be less tense. I guess I got used to the guaranteed safety of having literal ninjas around me, I forgot what it was like hanging out with a regular person. 

On top of that, Zane seemed really happy! Happier than I’ve seen him in a while, actually. He was giddily pointing out any interesting greenery we saw and rambling random facts he knew about them. 

Even later, when we went and dined inside a relatively fancy restaurant, all he could focus on was the different plants they chose as decor. He’s such a huge nature geek, but he’d never let anyone know. Zane’s the type of guy to get 100% on a biology test and shamefully shove it in his backpack to avoid being labeled as a nerd. Being a nerd myself, I think it’s pretty cool, so I never understood it. But either way, I’m glad he feels safe around me. I’m glad he doesn’t hide around me.

I forgot about this side of him, I really did. The side that is my friend.

We were walking back to my place, taking in the bliss of the quiet night. Even if a part of me prefers the busier, noisy parts of the city, it’s really soothing to experience the calmer sides of it too. Everything about tonight feels nearly perfect. I’m surprised nothing ruined it. I’m debating if I could ruin it…

I really want to talk to him. I wanna bring up those photos, get some answers, put my strange emotions to rest once and for all. I wanna hear it from him that neither of them meant to hurt me. That this was just my mind screwing me over again. I need to know. I really need to know. 

You know, friends are supposed to lend a shoulder when you need it.

I don’t want to ruin the night. But friendship takes risks sometimes. That’s what shows its strength, right?

I take a deep breath and go for the leap of faith.

“So, I was wondering—” “Salena, I wanted to ask—” 

I really gotta work on my timing for these things.

“S-Sorry! You go first.”

He shook his head with a delicate smile. “Nah, it’s okay. You can go.”

“Are you sure? I-I mean it’s kinda complicated…”

“Yeah, I’m sure! I always love hearing you talk, anyway.” 

“O-okay then, well…” My hands balled up into determined fists and I looked him right in the eyes. I have to put an end to this or I’ll never be able to move on. “I’ll be real, it might be a weird question.But you’re my friend and I really trust you a lot. I… I have to know this, so please don’t get mad.”

“Yeah…?” Why did he have to lean in closer…

I came this far, I’m not letting my tongue shut me up again. 

“What’s going on with you and Jaiden?”

Immediately his demeanor changed. His posture slouched, the disappointment clear as day on his face. “Jaiden? You’re—you’re really thinking about… about them, now?” 

“Yes, b-but I want to stop! That’s why I need to ask you this, so please bear with me, Zane.”

He leaned back with a hand on his hip, the other covering his face as he exhaled. “And here I was getting my hopes up for nothing.”

He would never think that I heard him; Zane’s a good whisperer. Unfortunately, my hearing rivals it.

He looked at me again; his eyes didn’t feel the same. “Okay, fine. What is it?”

I felt my stomach twist into itself. My chest began to ache. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was about to hurl.

It’s okay. Friends get a little upset at each other all the time. Doesn’t mean they’ll break apart. Don’t be a coward, Salena. 

I told him about everything. The canceled plans, Jaiden’s distant behavior, the increase in their pics together on his Instagram. I vented about how frustrated I felt with seeing them spend so much time together and then completely ignore me. And then vented some more about how frustrated I felt from that frustration, how I knew it was wrong yet couldn’t help it seeping into my everyday life! I let out a lot of steam tonight, even things I didn’t plan on telling him. The only things I left out, honestly, were anything related to the turtles to hide their identity. And to avoid any irrelevant questions.

He seemed strangely chipper hearing all of this, a curiously amused smirk plastered on his face. Not the reaction I expected, but I guess it’s better than him flipping out like I thought he would. 

“So, if I’m getting this right, you see me and Jaiden hanging out more often and it actually bothers you?”

“I don’t want it to but yeah, it bothers me a whole fucking lot. It’s taken over my life and I hate it! I hate being jealous! It’s so—“ 

“You’re jealous!? You’re jealous! Oh man, I can’t believe I am living in the same timeline where the Salena Moni is experiencing jealousy like every. Average. Lowlife. Person!” 

“Yeah, yeah, go ahead and rub it in, why dontcha? That helps me so much.” I pouted.

He laughed, enjoying my misery. “I know, I’m sorry. Just, damn! Somewhere, pigs are flying aren’t they?” If Meat Sweats could fly, I’d be his murderous Cupid.

“Har har. I get it though. I mean, you know me! I’ve felt envious before, but jealous? How does anyone even deal with this…?” I held myself a little tighter.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Dove. It happens! Everyone gets a little jealous. It’s a normal thing to go through, Salena.”

“Yeah, I sure did want a normal life, so I guess I got what I wished for.” I can’t help feeling salty over all this. 

He only laughed and patted my hair, fluffing up the ponytail a little. 

“Hey, Zane? For the sake of my psyche, you sure I’m not a bad person for this?”

A tender sigh rang through my ears. “I’m sure. You could never be a bad person, Salena.” 

…I never realized a husky voice like his could feel so honeyed.

But he’s right. I’m not a bad person, I’m just human. If both him and Raph said the same thing, it’s more likely to be true.

“And for the record, Jaiden and I are just friends right now. There’s nothing going on between us, so you don’t have to worry.”

“Uh… Cool? I… might be a little lost here. Why are you telling me that?”

“Reassurance, obviously.”

I blinked, not really getting it or knowing how to respond. He thought for a moment, then had a face of realization while he giggled.

“Oh my god, don’t tell me you’re actually that innocent! You’re so cute, I swear!” He booped my nose and leaned in again with a huge smile. He lowered his voice almost to a whisper. “You’re jealous because you have a crush.” 

A crush?

“But why would I have a crush on Jaiden?” 

“I’m just saying—Wait, rewind. A crush on Jaiden?” He physically paused for a bit before awkwardly laughing. “No, sweetie, you don’t get jealous of your crush, you get jealous of the people they’re with!”

“That’s why I’m asking. Why would I have a crush on Jaiden?”

…Why does the air feel colder all of a sudden? 

The night was warm just a minute ago, but now it’s dead like the core of winter. His smile is long gone. His eyes, they’re slicing me in half. Is my breathing a little faster? He’s coming closer. I’m suddenly aware of just how alone we really are here in this silent little street. 

“To be clear. Who are you jealous of.”

My throat clogged up. I blinked and lowered my eyes so he wouldn’t see the tears being fought back. I forgot this side of him, too. The side that made my heart close in on itself.

“Salena, don’t make me ask twice.”

“Of you.” I managed to let out. “J-jealous of you.”

He wouldn’t speak for a while. Only felt him staring me down like a predator stalking its prey, making me swallow to keep my throat from drying up. My hands felt so clammy, begging me to wipe them on my skirt. But I didn’t dare move. I couldn’t even look at him right now.

“Of fucking course you are.”

I knew it was coming, but I still flinched when he cursed with no shame, tugging his hair and punching the wall next to me. It’s stupid, isn’t it? I can handle giant mutants and a literal cult of evil, but Zane’s temper was not something to be messed with, and my unlucky ass did exactly that.

“Why did I ever expect anything different! Of course it’s me you’re jealous of! Why the fuck would you phrase it like that if you meant something else, god dammit!”

You’re gonna bleed if you keep doing that…

“Z-Zane, I’m sorry. I-I didn’t think it’d come off as me being jealous of Jaiden—“

“OBVIOUSLY, IT FUCKING WOULD!!!” He grabbed my shoulders, bringing me closer to him. I don’t know if it’d be an exaggeration to say I nearly got a panic attack from the action alone. 

“When you say things like how you’re jealous of how much time Jaiden and I spend together, of course I think you’re jealous of them, not me! Why would I ever assume it was me! That never happens with anyone else! God, you’re such a fucking moron sometimes, I swear!” 

“I'm sorry… P-please stop…”

“After everything we’ve fucking been through, everything I did for you! All you can ever do is somehow relate me back to Jaiden! There’s always someone else! I mean nothing to you, Salena! Don’t I!? I! Mean! Nothing!”

“I-I didn’t mean to, I promise—”

“THAT DOESN’T MATTER, IDIOT!”

He let go and pushed me back. Sometimes I overlook how much bigger Zane is compared to me. This is not one of those times. 

“You know what? You know what’s funny, Salena? That night you’re so fucking fixated on, the one that’s consumed your ability to even think like a normal person? Yeah, I’ve got some news about that night.” 

I just want to disappear…

“I asked Jaiden to go with me to that shitty party on purpose!”

…

What?

“I asked them on purpose, I posted those pictures on purpose! I did everything ‘cause I knew you’d see it! I thought maybe then, for once, you’d finally, finally feel a single ounce of longing for me! That was all I wanted!”

What.

“…You better be lying, Zane.”

“I’m not. And you deserve this.”

I glared at him the entire time while he was too focused on his own bullshit words to even notice. My arms burned with the sensation of my nails digging deeper and deeper. I hope they'll draw blood.

“You don’t understand, Salena! You keep saying all these… all these stupid fucking things that no one else says to me! Do you know what it does to me? If I had my way, I’d hold you forever and never let you go. No one’s shown me kindness like you.”  I was so numb I couldn’t even react to him caressing my cheek. Only kept glaring. 

“But then you barely ever give me the time of day! You’re barely ever with me! Fuck, honestly, you’re never with me anymore! I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s not like you to say one thing and do another! You’re not that type of two-faced asshole! So why are you fucking acting like one!? Ever since that day you went to ‘hang out’ with that stupid drugged-out bitch you called a friend, you’ve never been the fucking same! With the way you act, I wouldn’t be fucking surprised if you got addicted and stay on the high 24/7!”

He’s… Is he talking about Mikey? That’s what this is about? Is he fucking serious right now.

“Who are you!? Where is my Salena?” 

“Did you know Jaiden and I had plans that day?”

“No, I didn’t. I’m not stupid, I wasn’t gonna go that far. I wanted you to get a taste of what it felt to not be chosen, that’s it! Obviously, it was dumb to think it would work!” The dumb bitch sighed, exasperated. As if he had any right to be. “Seems you don’t have room for me in that big heart of yours after all, huh? Maybe I’m a dick for saying this, but it’s honestly karma that I happened to choose the one day you two were gonna hang out. That’s gotta be a sign, Salena.”

You never get the fucking hint, do you Zane Evans?

“I need to go.”

I couldn’t even get two steps in before he gripped my wrist to stop me.

“Wait, what do you mean go? Go where?”

“I meant exactly what I said! I’ve had enough. Now let go of me.”

I yanked my arm back and stormed off, Zane following close behind. At least, judging from the sound he was. I didn’t bother looking back. 

“Hey! Your place is in the opposite direction!”

“Stop following me, I can go wherever I want!”

“Salena, seriously!? It’s already late, you’re gonna get lost! Come on, are you really that pissed off—”

“YES!!!”

I turned my heel and faced him.

“How are you even unsure of that!? You got upset I hung out with someone else for one day—a person I made plans with in advance, might I add—and you decided to take revenge on me!? Do you have any clue how fucked up that is!?”

“I got a little mad! So what? You’ve known me for two years! Stop overreacting about a harmless dig!”

“Harmless!? You have no idea what I’ve gone through this past month because of your little ‘harmless’ stunt! I’ve suffered so much because of you! I can’t even sleep because of you! God, sometimes you’re so—Ugh!”

I began counting down from ten to one, just like Raph taught. I shouldn’t say something I’ll regret later. Honestly, I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

He looked like a sad puppy. It’s clear he wasn’t expecting this. But somehow, my sympathy won’t halt my anger tonight.

“Salena, I… Look, I didn’t know you’d be so sensitive over this—“

“Zane, I really need to leave. I’m sorry I exploded like that, but it’s gonna happen again if I stay here any longer. So please, just stop following me. Hurting you would add more shit to my plate and I really don’t need that right now, okay?” 

“N-no! Stay! I can make it up to you!”

“Another day, any day, but not now! Not now.”

I walked away and this time he didn’t follow. 

“…Fine.”

I heard his footsteps stomp in the other direction, slowly fading away.

My own legs went faster till the wind consumed me. 

The anger returned almost instantly after I knew he left. I’m happy I kept my cool during the end back there but holy fucking shit! What was he thinking!? I wanted answers tonight but I didn’t expect this! I thought I was overthinking again! I thought my brain made up the possibility that they ditched me intentionally! But no, turns out it wasn’t just Jaiden but Zane, too! What the fuck did I do to them? What did he mean I “deserved it”!? 

I don’t get it, what is he expecting me to do? I know he… feels a certain way about me. But even then! I can’t just shit romantic feelings for him out my ass! 

Ugh, so fucking stupid. I’m gonna lose my head if I keep thinking about this.

I wandered around the city some more and got back to the main road where a good handful of cars were passing again. It’s past 1am now and I’ve gotta get ready for school in less than five hours. But I know damn well I won’t sleep, not after this. I don’t wanna go home. Take me anywhere but home. I don’t feel like facing any of this right now, I…

I want somewhere I can feel safe for a while, just so the day won’t end on such a horrible note.

I pulled out my phone and opened the contacts. I wish I was one of those folks who didn’t have to think of someone before they dialed but alas, here I am. 

I can’t talk to Jaiden. 

I obviously can’t talk to Zane.

I don’t know if I can tell Casey any of this yet.

I’d love to talk to April but she’s probably asleep by now. But… but the guys might not be! They’re usually up at these sort of freakish hours of the night. I could try giving the group chat a call and hope for the best. I feel bad for bothering them so often but who else do I have right now?

It took three rings before the line went through.

“You are conversing with Donatell—Why is your screen so dark?” 

Oh fucking lovely.

“H-hey, Donnie. Sorry, I didn’t realize it was a video call.”

As my luck would have it, Donnie was the one to pick up. No offense to him; he never did anything wrong. I’m just not entirely sure how he feels about me yet. So, having him answer when I’m already high on nerves isn’t what I pictured hoping for the best would result in. But he’s much, much better than being alone right now.

“Uh, what… Whatcha up to?”

“Oh, simply being my usual genius self to aid with our nightly hero duties! Sure, no regular teenager could detect a break-in on sensitive confidential info before the actual government could, but I, Othello Von Ryan, have proven to be no regular teen!” 

“Yep, definitely the usual for you.” 

Donnie’s def no less than Leo when it comes to being allergic to humility. Though, they both earned their egos. Donnie’s not wrong; not just any person could be nearly as smart as him.

“So, did you need anything fixed? You’re calling at a rather unusual hour for a school night.” 

“Oh, no, not really. I mean, I was kinda out with a friend, but things… ended abruptly. I don’t really feel like sleeping right now. I wanted some company?” 

He opened his mouth to respond but got interrupted by a familiar accent asking who was on the phone. The instant my name left his voice, three others repeated it with joy. My screen suddenly overflowed with four green goofballs all trying to fit in the camera’s scope at once.

“SALENA! How are you? How come you’re not asleep? Don’t you have school tomorrow?”

“Mikey, it’s Salena, it’s way too early for them to sleep.”

“Wow, Leo, anyone ever tell you how funny you are?” My words didn’t match my tone. I wonder why.

“Leo, let ‘er breathe!” The camera shook as a red bandana came into frame. “Hey, but for real. Why you up so late, Salena? Somethin’ up?”

“Nah, just couldn’t sleep! I thought I’d call you guys for a bit, but from the sounds of it, y’all seem kinda busy.” 

The camera moved again as the device got transferred to the next turtle. “Give me my—Ugh, there we go. And yes, you’re correct. We are actually busy with a mission tonight.” 

I tried keeping my smile intact as I understandingly nodded my head. Is he mad at me for assuming they were free the exact moment I needed them to be? I mean, I’d be mad at me, so it’d make sense.

“Hey, but you know what?” Leo leaned next to Donnie, trying to see the screen. “You should totally join us! Tag along, have some fun, we’d all love that!”

You would?

“What? Nardo, what are you—“

“OMIGOSH, YEAH!” Mikey jumped in, knocking Donnie out of frame entirely. “If you’re not gonna sleep, we should totally hang out! I really miss you, Salena!” 

“Uh, am I really the only one thinking it would be a bad idea to let the person who barely leaves their house join us on a mission to a highly-secured and regulated government facility?”

“Chillax, Don, she’ll be fine! You’ll be fine, right Salena?”

“I mean, uh—” 

“See? What’d I tell ya, totally fine!” 

“Raph agrees! Salena can handle herself.” 

“Oh sure, I’m absolutely positive nothing could go wrong! He said without a trace of doubt.”

…I can’t tell if he’s trying to protect me or just doesn’t want me there. Neither option feels good right now, to be honest.

“C’mon, Dee, we’ve all seen her fight before! Including you, remember? When they helped us stop Meat Sweats?”

 Mikey’s got a point. That was before I had any real battle experience, too! I don’t know why Donnie seems so hesitant about this. Or why it’s making me so pissy, actually.

Another car passed by and I lowered the volume a bit, remembering the time. Now that I’m actually near some apartments, I don’t wanna accidentally wake someone up. I really gotta save up for some new earbuds; my last ones broke like, a month ago and I can only make do for so long.

“Three to one, hermano. You’re outnumbered.”

“But—Sigh, forget it! Salena, I—“

“‘NOUGH SMALL TALK!” At this point, they’re just playing hot potato with Donnie’s phone. “Salena, hurry up! We’re boutta start the mission so don’t want ya missin’ out!”

“Ha! Almost made a pun!”

“Shut up, Leo. Anyways, we’re at uh… Uh… Hey, Donnie, where we at?” 

I could hear him struggling for his phone in the distance. “You could just send our coordinates!”

“I could send her our coordinates! …How does Raph do that, again?”

The audio muffled as the phone shuffled back to its rightful owner. “God, I’m so gonna install security on this thing. Anyway, I’m sending our location to you right now. And as I was GOING TO SAY BEFORE! Salena, I look forward to seeing you again.”

He flashed a smile and part of my worries vanished. I’m still not sure how to read him but if he’s being nice, it can’t be all bad, right?

“OH, AND IF YA CAN, COULD YOU BRING ME A SNACK—“ Donnie hung up before the teddy bear could finish.

Luckily for him, his face beamed when I finally arrived around twenty minutes later and did, in fact, bring him a snack. 

“Hey guys! Hope I didn’t take—“

I couldn’t even finish speaking before finding myself laughing on the floor with four giant turtles hounding me in hugs. 

“It has been way too long since we’ve hugged!” Poor Mikey, I haven’t been able to see him in a hot minute. “Nice ponytail, by the way. Really makes your eyes pop.”

“Aww, thanks! I missed you guys too. Ugh, I really wish scheduling was easier! I’d hang out more often.” 

“Dude, why waste time on schedules when you could just come over?”

“‘Xactly! Ain’t like you’re not welcome!”

“Oh. I-I mean, sure! If you guys really don’t have a problem with it…” I wonder if this is what it’s like to feel wanted.

“I just wanted you to get a taste of what it felt to not be chosen!”

…T-then again, they’re probably just being polite.

Click!

“And fits perfectly, just as the estimations foretold!” The fuck? 

I looked down and saw a shiny black belt matching the arm wraps now resting above my hips. It’s actually fairly loose around my waist but I’m guessing that was the intention. There’s a giant pink button on the left with the same M-shaped logo as all of theirs. It looked super cool, honestly! Even seemed to match with my outfit!

“Woaaah, what is this thing?”

“Donnie. Really?” Leo didn’t sound impressed and neither did the others but, like, who cares! The belt’s dope as hell!

He ignored them and continued addressing me. “It basically functions both as your very own panic button and is a carrier for your sickles thanks to a highly specific magnetic attraction! Plus, it obviously helps tie in your outfit better ‘cause Great Galileo did you need some accessories.”

“Damn, I didn’t know my sickles were magnetic!”

“Oh, they weren’t before, I installed magnets in them last night.” With that, he pulled my fucking weapons seemingly out of his ass. Judging by everyone else’s groans though, I’m the only one who’s surprised and confused.

“Donald! What did we say about breaking into strangers’ homes!” 

“Hey, I didn’t break in!… to a stranger’s home! I broke into Salena’s, Salena is not a stranger—OW, HEY!” Raph slapped the back of his head. One quick yet dramatic recovery later, we all began our route of sneaking into the building. 

Security wasn’t monitoring the higher floors, so we only had to ninja our way up ‘till there and the rest was easy peasy. I tried focusing on the quick briefing I was receiving on the way up but my mind was admittedly elsewhere. Back to the weird situation I thought I dreamt up last night.

I don’t remember much. I was too tired to really register anything, and Donnie being a ninja probably enhanced that. But I do remember still hearing faint footsteps in my room; drawers being opened, the closet getting browsed. I was so out of it I figured I probably hallucinated everything. Either way, I was way too paralyzed to do anything; I couldn’t even put my phone back earlier. Kept passing in and out of consciousness. But it seemed like someone put it back for me. They helped my sloppy body into a position that wouldn’t leave me aching the next morning and pulled the covers up to tuck me in. What really sealed the whole dream theory to me was the metallic-textured “hand” that patted my head before they left and let the world return to tranquility.

I seriously did figure it was all a weird fever dream or some shit. Personally, I still feel like that’s more believable than it being Donnie all along. But staring down at my sickles, I guess I can’t really argue against the proof right in front of me. 

“Gentlemen, here we are! The Techno Cosmic Research Institute! Otherwise known as”—the door opened as I returned back to present time—“The TCRI.”

The moon illuminated the flat, revealing that we were in a main lobby of some sorts. Huge and spacious, decorated with different plants I’m sure Zane would’ve gone crazy over. 

…I shouldn’t think about him right now.

It was a huge and spacious lobby full of plants. The windows that were tinted from the outside now presented a full view of the city skyline. Doors were carved into the walls, transitioning to the other rooms. Some, like the several meeting rooms, were made with glass so I could vaguely make out the interior from here. Others were blocked by heavy, solid, metal doors, holding whatever secrets the government had behind them.

I felt strange setting foot in this place, like I wasn’t supposed to be here. Well, I guess we are breaking and entering, but it’s not that. It’s something else, something I can’t quite explain. Unrelated to the guys but personal to me. I feel I’m not wanted for a reason I’m not yet aware of. It’s freaking me out a little. 

“So, what do the Purple Dragons want with this place again?”

“Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. I only caught a break-in to the system in general and tracked it back to Kendra, I don’t have info on what they’re trying to gain access to. Whatever it is, though, it has an impressively tight security system that’s nearly impossible to break! At least, not through their simple B-tier remote hacking.”

“If the Purple Dragons want it, then it’s gotta be something major.” I’ve known about them for a while thanks to April. 

It kinda shocked me at first, not because a group of teens created a tech-smart gang but because April O’Neil was a loser to someone. Call me a little biased—and you’d be right—but I still think Kendra’s got rocks for brains if she ignores someone like April. 

But that’s a mental essay for another day. Right now, Leo’s smirking. And if Leo’s smirking, things will either go amazingly well or horrifically wrong. 

“So… If we’re already here, why don’t we just figure out what they want ourselves?”

Mikey propped his chin up on Leo’s shoulder. “You mean like, go and explore? Sounds rad to me!”

“Yeah! Sneak around, let Donnie do his nerdy smart people stuff and see what’s so great about this place, yeah?” 

“Invade the privacy of our nation’s government and scavenge for confidential data!? Nardo, I love you!”

“Raph? Your call, buddy.”

He was shockingly quick to shrug. “Sure! Raph don’t see a problem with it. Sounds hella fun to me!”

“Uh, guys?” I raised my hand. “Isn’t this, like, highly illegal?” 

“And?” They all said in unison. To be fair, legal doesn’t sound like them anyway. 

“What are they gonna do? Arrest us?” His hand circled in front of his blue bandana.

“And don’t worry, you won’t get in trouble for anything that happens! Donnie can get rid of the evidence and no one will know you were here, right Dee?” Mikey shot a wink at Donnie.

“Affirmative!” 

Dang, Mikey’s made a lot of good points tonight. 

“Eh, you’re right. To hell with laws!” Passing up an opportunity to explore a space institution would be laughably unlike me, anyway! 

We decided to split up and meet back at the main lobby in fifteen, assuming the Purple Dragons hadn't arrived by then. It’s kind of scary wandering on my own in this place. It still feels off to me, but at the same time, I’ve always wanted so desperately to walk through a facility like this. Fascinating space research, meeting after meeting to discuss whatever new breakthrough was made, access to a shit ton of databases and technologies I’ll never have the chance to use at home!? Everything about this place is perfect! It’s all I dreamed it to be. 

So why won’t that damn feeling go away?

Whatever, it’s probably just tonight in general. I really, really, need to get over it and move on already or else I’m guaranteed to fuck up the whole mission.

I sighed and glanced down at my arm wraps, raising them to get a better look. Despite my flip-floppy mood, I couldn’t help but smile. It’s dorky but they do comfort me every now and then. They felt nice to wear and even looking at them made me all fuzzy and nostalgic. They feel like an older me even though I got them recently. 

“I take it you liked them, then.” 

His voice startled me, I thought everyone went their own ways but I guess Donnie was nearby. 

“Yeah, I do! The belt, too, they’re really cool gifts! Thank you.” He lit up when he heard those magic words. Man, I can’t believe I forgot to thank him sooner. Poor guy was probably aching for some feedback.

“I-I actually always wondered how you made them. They feel really sturdy but like, it’s not heavy to wear, either, if that makes sense.”

“Oh yeah, totally!” He typed on the screen on his arm, booting up the scanning feature to make sure we didn’t miss anything. “It’s an intentional design choice. They are supposed to act as armor, so.”

“Woah, cool! Do they count as tactical gear? As in military grade and all that jazz?”

“What? No, that’s not even good quality, that’s just a buzzword. Military grade simply means they met the minimum stated requirements at the lowest unit price.”

“…”

“…Low budget, few money, lead to mid product, good enough for gullible minds and general public consumption.” 

Ohhhh. “So they lied.”

“As per usual. It’s shit engineering in actuality.”

I pushed open one of the meeting rooms’ glass doors as Donnie’s shell held up a bright torch. We began scouting the area for anything interesting while continuing our talk. All this investigative work’s reminding me of April and the way she’d gush about doing the same. Completely understanding the appeal now; it feels so thrilling snooping around somewhere you’re not supposed to be! Especially when the law’s involved.

The room wasn’t anything unordinary. It looked like any other corporate meeting room. The long table leading to the small TV on the wall, decorative paintings and plants, the usual. Man, we probably should’ve gone into a more interesting—“OW!”

“…Watch your step.” He said after I already fell to my knees.

“Thanks for the very useful warning. What even was that?”

He shined the light closer to a… metal? No, definitely not entirely metal. A robot arm sloppily plopped on the floor. We couldn’t see what the arm was attached to, if it was attached to anything at all. It’s too long to trace back with the torch light from where we are. One thing’s for sure, though: It’s giant. The claw I tripped over is practically the same size as my head. 

“Hmm…” He crouched closer to the arm, slowly inspecting it. “Weird. It looks like it’s made of some cheap plastic. Perhaps a prototype of some sorts.”

“I don’t think they’d make it this big if it was a prototype.” Maybe we could do a test to see what type of plastic it is. “You got any fire?”

“While I see your angle and would love to carry through that experiment, it’s probably not wise to burn something we don’t know the purpose of. Or, you know, alert the security of our presence from the alarms.”

“Yeah, fair…” Man, would’ve been hella fun, though. 

We both stayed on the floor, a little stumped on what the hell this thing was. My eyes got bored after a while and wandered around the room again. The only interesting thing in here was this weird ass plastic arm, it’s pretty much useless looking around the room but it did keep me entertained. There were five plants in this room which explains the fresh smell, all of them were basic enough for me to recognize. Two zebra plants, a ponytail palm, and…

I ignored the plant on the table when I spotted something thin underneath it, hidden by the shadows. I think it’s a slip of paper?

Donnie’s sigh brought my attention back. “You know what, I’m gonna go to their computer lab to see if one of their databases has anything about this thing.”

“Aight, I’ll stay back and keep exploring. Good luck!”

Right as he left, I sped over to the mysterious paper, unable to contain my curiosity any longer. The table was tall enough for me to comfortably sit under, leaning over the paper on the floor to read it. It’s, coincidentally enough, about that puzzling arm. The incomplete text made it clear it was probably part of a stack of paper or a file and fell out. Sadly, it didn’t reveal much but what I could get out of it was that it’s an automated arm controlled by an AI system, mostly covered with polypropylene plastic. Heh, PP plastic. Oh, it was created for the purpose of security. Well that’s just fantastic. I should go warn the boys about it.

I quickly snapped a pic of the loose sheet, almost getting out from under the table.

…But I’m glad as hell I didn’t.

I heard it. A soft, mechanical hum as something slithered off the ground. I grabbed my sickles from their belt, trying to minimize my shaking. It took a few blinks and tries but I managed to turn invisible, watching the machine move through the darkness. How was it suddenly on?

Its movements were smooth and natural. Too natural for something meant to be robotic. It’s so eerily graceful, slithering through the air. The arm swiveled its claw around like an animal head checking its surroundings. It… It’s looking where I am. It’s looking at me. It shouldn’t be able to see me, I’m not supposed to be visible! But it won’t stop staring.

”FUCK!” I shrieked when it lunged at me, quickly slicing it before it could grab me. Thank god it’s just plastic… Why the fuck is it hollow? 

That doesn’t make any sense! Shouldn’t there be wiring or something? Even if not to connect the AI, how the hell can it move like that without anything to mimic muscle!? 

I gasped, turning my head to the side. I can hear something else. It’s gooey and mushy and… 

It’s looping around the room.

It’s getting louder.

”W-what the hell?”

…I think I can see it now. Something solid but stretchy, resembling thick vines climbing up the plastic arm. I backed up, watching as it crawled over to the newly severed claw. It pulled the claw back to its other half and tightened around them. It glowed? A sickeningly blinding green color. Before I realized what was going on, the claw suddenly reattached as the vines slinked back into the darkness. 

It saw me again and the chase resumed. 

It’s so damn fast, I can barely outrun it! Dodging is saving my ass but it keeps knocking over any furniture I used against it! 

I jumped when I heard Donnie from the comms. Wait, he installed comms on my arm wraps? Damn, I'm so frazzled, I forgot about those.

“What’s making all that racket? Everything okay over there?”

”You can hear that!?”

”Yeah, I’m literally right next door?”

”Well—SHIT!” Too fucking close, too fucking close! It almost fucking grabbed me! Fuck, my knees hurt from that! “SON OF A—Don’t worry, I can handle it! I’ll explain soon!”

I tried getting off the floor as quickly as possible but the claw pulled me back down. The four sharp grippers opened up like a mouth and a fucking chainsaw came out. It went straight for my head, life flashing before my eyes as my sickles blocked it by pure reflex, holding it back. It won’t back off! I can’t keep pushing forever! How the hell do I get out of this!?

“FIBONACCI!” 

A spinning titanium blur whacked the arm back, grabbing its attention to the maniacally smiling turtle now dashing through the room. His arm reached out, grabbing his staff from mid-air, and chopped off the robot arm with a giant drill. I curled in on myself right before a bright, violet shield spread over me and kept the arm’s falling metal parts from landing on me.

“You know, that did not seem like ‘handling it’.” 

My vision cleared to his hand offering to help me up. I’m suddenly getting deja vu from the other countless times my helpless damsel-wannabe ass needed a rescue. Panicked and guilt-ridden, I waved it off and got up on my own. 

“We gotta get outta here right now!”

“What? Why? I already—”

The vines returned and began repeating their process of fixing the arm. Though this time, it seems to be going faster.

“Oh my banana pancakes! What is that!?”

“I don’t know but that’s why we’re leaving! Come on!”

I grabbed his hand and we ran out the room, running into the others in the main lobby.

”Leo! There’s—”

“Crazy killer robot arms, we know. Was just in the middle of talking about that, actually.” He gave a glance of disapproval to the pouting red giant next to Mikey. Who also looks hella annoyed. It would appear we’ve walked in on a teensy squabble. 

I heard Donnie sigh beside me “Raph, please tell me you didn’t.” He left my clueless ass standing there to join in on their talk.

Wait—Oh god, not again!

Turning around, I grabbed my sickles. I heard it again. Managed to dodge just in time for its jab to my right. It seems the guys are too busy to notice and I really don’t wanna burden them again. I’ll solo this one!

“When I said we should go explore, I didn’t mean go ‘round pushing things! We’re in a government building, why would you touch anything!?”

I heard another hit coming and blocked it with the blade. 

Yeah, I-I can totally take this! I should let them finish their conversation—Holy fuck, there’s more than one, fucking end my suffering already. 

”I didn’t mean to! You guys know I got a weak spot, what was I supposed to do? If they didn’t want Raph to push the big, red button, maybe they shouldn’t make it big ‘n red!” 

“Buddy, that’s not how that works and you know that.”

There’s three of them now and they’re so unreasonably fast! It’s so hard to keep up! Ugh, it almost feels like I am being punished after all. 

My accidental yelp luckily got drowned by Mikey’s groan. “Man, just let it go! We can smell your ‘I know I fucked up but don’t wanna admit it ‘cause I’m the big brother’ stench!”

”THAT’S A DIFFERENT STENCH!”

”AHH!” 

I really didn’t mean to blurt that out but the claw dug into my leg and yanked me off the ground! Guilt aside, it’s probably a good thing I caught their attention, especially since I dropped my sickles like a fucking moron!

“SALENA!” His sword slashed through the air but got promptly blocked and thrown back by another metal claw. A scary amount of them are showing up now! The guys are completely surrounded and I’m stuck useless, dangling in the air!

One of the arms came closer and opened its grippers, a scanner popping out this time, its red beam blinding my eyes. My breathing grew shallow, the commotion from below fading away. I’m getting lightheaded from being suspended upside down. I need to get out of this situation. But there’s nothing I can do. Just squint past the light and anxiously wait for its next move. 

My ears burned from the claw’s monstrous shriek. It sounds like a fucking animalistic version of nails on a chalkboard! Why did it react to me like this? Why me? Aren’t we all intruders? Why is it just me!?

“You deserve this.”

Was he right?

I didn’t process getting swung in the air until I was let go with enough momentum to cause a crash through the decor. My arms shook as I tried lifting my body up. Everything hurts, everything fucking hurts! My ears, my arms, my legs! My head! I just wanted a little distraction tonight! Why is this happening?

Is this really my karma?

…Wait a sec.

When I managed to lift my head, I came face to face with a crack in the wall where the robot arms were emerging from. The vines I saw earlier turned out to be permanently merged with the arms at the roots and lead to… something behind the wall. The crack was too small to properly make much out but it looked like it was breathing?

Whatever, I don’t have time to be surprised. “Guys! The arms! They’re coming from over here!” 

The crack’s small but just big enough for something slim! Like—

The claw dug into my leg once again and began dragging me away. “Leo! Donnie! One of your weapons can fit through!” 

“Got it!”

“I’ll cover!”

Flashes of blue scattered around the lobby. Each portal and throw of his sword brought Leo closer and closer to the wall. I couldn’t watch for too long, though, as I found myself back in the air again. It froze my skin getting thrown across the room faster than before. This time, towards the glass windows. 

Chains grabbed at my ankle and yanked me back to the ground away from my disastrous fate. I looked up to see the tangerine flashing a confident yet relieved smile at me. “Hey!”

“…Hey!” 

Mystic metal clinked as Mikey pulled back some of the robot arms chasing after Leo to buy him more time. Raph and Donnie quickly shifted gears and guarded me to make sure the plastic freaks couldn’t grab me again. Mikey continued to aid Leo, bouncing all over the room, keeping the arms distracted with his flow and somehow, still bringing them back to where he originally stood: Away from Leo. 

Finally, a sword was heard stabbing through the air and splashing through a soft, squishy substance. The arms dropped to the floor as the thing in the wall hissed in pain, slowly leading to the dreadfully awaited silence at last.

Mikey reached his hand out for me and pulled me up. “You good?”

“Not dead, yeah.” 

“Guess that’s a start.”

I glanced to the side at Donnie staring blankly at me, confused until he walked over and held one of my arms to examine my wrap. 

“Hmm, I wonder if there’s some modification I can do to your gloves that prevents your sickles from getting so easily lost.” I guess that’s why he was staring a minute ago. 

“Honestly, that’d be great. I keep losing them, so…”

“Yeah, I was thinking—“ 

“Nerd-talk later! Do a med scan!” Leo shoved him out the way and accidentally knocked Mikey back. Didn’t seem like he noticed since he immediately started checking me for injuries. I don’t even know when he got here?

Donnie sighed but went through with it anyway, tapping on his wrist as he checked my vitals. “No broken bones, no internal bleeding, nothing too concerning to report thankfully. Salena, do you feel alright?” 

“Mhm! Just some scratches here and there but I’ll live.” 

“Just some scratches, hm? You forgettin’ something?” Leo pointed down to my horrifically bruised and bloody leg. Whoops.

“…I-I’ll still live.”

While Leo took care of bandaging my leg, the rest of us spent the next few minutes catching our breaths. Mikey laid on the floor, limbs starfished out, while Donnie was texting April and catching her up to speed. I can only imagine how devastated she’d be in the morning, finding out she missed all this action. It’d have been nice having her here, honestly. 

Raph wasn’t near us, though. He stood by the wall where the once-breathing specimen was at. He kept peeking through the crack, rubbing his arm and looking hesitant about something.

“Raph?” My voice prompted the others to turn their attention to him.

“…Nobody else wonderin’ what the hell this thing could be? I know we’re only here to stop the Purple Dinos—“

“That’s Purple Dragons, Raphala.”

“—Whatever! But really, guys! After all that, we just gonna head home and forget about it?” 

He’s not wrong.

Come to think of it, this place is government funded. There should be no reason why some foreign entity exists in a place like the TCRI. They’re supposed to do space research and nothing else. That’s what they’re paid for.

“You know what?” Donnie turned his phone off. “I could work on hacking through their system myself. I don’t know if it’ll prove successful, but I can try.”

I felt Mikey’s head drop on my shoulder. He sure loves doing that. “What do we do about the vine thingies?” 

“Well, we can’t just—“ Leo paused, making eye contact with Raph. They shared a smirk and nodded.

“You thinkin’ what thinkin’ big bro?”

He chuckled, punching his fists together. “You bet!”

A bright red aura surrounded his figure as his arm reeled back and locked the sais in his hands.

“POWER PUNCH JUTSU!!!”

My body staggered as the ground shook upon impact, the dust clearing to reveal the tiny gap in the wall is suddenly a giant ass hole now.

“Man, y’all really don’t give a shit about government property, do ya?” 

“Nope. But hey! It was def the right choice!” Raph’s snaggletooth gleamed through his mischievous smile.

The five of us stared through the hole, trying to comprehend the oversized specimen in front of us. It was a pulsing, yellow-green thing in the shape of a tall tube, wider on the top than the bottom. There were reddish lines on it zigzagging up and down almost like veins. It was punctured at its middle, caused by the blade of the katana that shot right through it a few moments ago. 

“Ya know, it kind of resembles a plant. Which would explain the mystery vines, actually.”

“What plant, then? Ain’t no plant Raph knows of that throbs.”

He shook his head with a light shrug. “Sadly, I am not sure. It looks a little like a pitcher plant but also not really? They shouldn’t be luminescent or have vines emerging out like that. And also the throbbing, of course.” 

Pitcher plant, ay? I’ve heard of that. They’re my favorite out of all the carnivorous jungle plants Zane rambled about once. Plants were actually one of the first things we had a genuine bond over, even if I’m pretty clueless about them. The way his eyes lit up when talking about them with so much love and adoration just melted me.

His eyes…

His godforsaken eyes…

“Salena?”

“Huh?” How long have I been spaced out?

“You sure you’re good? You seemed kinda out of it just now.” I forgot how close Mikey was to me, I should be more careful.

“Yeah, it’s nothing.”

“Really? ‘Cause lowkey, you’ve been off all night. I didn’t wanna say anything but…”

“Oh, no, no, I’m—“

“Actually, you did mention something happened between you and your friend earlier, remember? Before you called me.” This violet ass motherfucker did not just erm actually me at the worst time ever.

“That what this about, big man? Had another fight with your friend?” Why is everyone suddenly focused on me!?

“N-Not the same one! This is someone different, I promise! T-that’s not to say I have a problem with everyone! I just… Um…” Great going, Salena! Now they’ll think you’re just insufferable and incapable of friendship! “I-I don’t think we should be—Well, we kinda have worse issues to worry about, don’t we?”

“Kendra and her yes-men ain’t here yet. What I wanna know is why you’re so spacey tonight! Dr. Feelings can’t help if he can’t know!”

“It’s nothing! N-nothing too bad, at least. He just—A-actually, it was really mostly me so um… It’s hard to explain exactly…”

Geez, my palms are annoyingly sweaty. I really don’t wanna give them the wrong idea, it was just one fight! It’s not a representation of our entire relationship! But I know from experience any time I try talking about Zane to someone, they end up hating him and I don’t want that! Fuck, I should’ve been more careful. My stupid tongue-tied gibberish ain’t helping the situation, either!

My shoulders flinched when I saw Leo stand in front of me, hand on his hip as he faced towards his brothers. “Okay, hermanos, give her some space! Stop smothering! I know we’re all worried, I’m worried too, but if Salena doesn’t wanna talk, they shouldn’t be forced to.”

The others finally piped down. None of them looked happy about it—understandably so—but it seemed Leo was able to convince them to drop it, anyway. I really owe him one. 

He peeked over his shoulder to glance back at me. “If you do wanna talk about something, though, we’re here for you.” 

…It’s not that I don’t want to. I just don’t see how it’d help anything— 

CRASH!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, HAVE WE NOT HAD ENOUGH SURPRISES FOR ONE NIGHT!?

“Good going, Jase. Real quiet of you.”

All of us, equally tense and gripping our weapons to stand guard, took a solid minute to process that the loud crash wasn’t another dumbass robot-plant-arm thing, but instead was Kendra and the other two stumbling through the main door they hacked open. Speak of the dragons and they arrive, I suppose.

She looked over at us and her sharp eyes drooped lower. “Of course.” 

I only ever knew Kendra before tonight, none of the other members. Hate her guts since she’s forever engraved as April’s bully in my mind and doesn’t seem to have changed. Her movements and mannerisms still match the coy, conniving person I remember her to be, walking over in such a smug, superior way that screams “greater than thou”. Once, back when they were still in high school, April had a mini breakdown due to college applications kicking her ass. She was struggling and stressing over not getting accepted into a good amount of her options and believed she’d have to rely solely on her safeties at that point. Kendra really rubbed it in. Wouldn’t shut up about it, demeaning her for being a failure. 

April knows damn well to never take Kendra seriously. However, it’s not a surprise those words still stung considering how stupidly frightening the whole college process is. Joke’s on Kendra, though. One of April’s main choices that had her wait-listed ended up accepting her in! As for Kendra? All hypocritical bark, no bite it seems. 

“Hello, Von Ryan. How’s life?”

“Good, good. How about you, enjoying your—what’d you call it? ‘Intellectual freedom’?” 

“Low blow even for you. You guys couldn’t fuck around here with your little toys another night?” She scoffed and rolled her eyes, her arms crossed over her chest. Her gaze drifted towards me as her brows furrowed more. 

“Who’s that—Hold up. You… Yeah, I remember you!” She’s doing that annoying fake-nice tone she uses sometimes, the one that makes me wanna punch her in the face. “You’re that idiot kid April wouldn’t shut up about tutoring last year! What’s a teacher’s pet like you doing here?”

Mikey gasped and covered my ears like a parent to a toddler witnessing sailor-speak. “Hey! Don’t you dare talk about our friend like that!” 

I honestly couldn’t care less what Kendra says about me. Personally, I’m more focused on the other two, right now. It’s my first time ever seeing them, I think Donnie said their names were Jason and Jeremy? They’ve been pretty quiet so far, standing at her side and smirking like Saturday-morning cartoon lackeys. One of them had a large, blocky figure, dark skin, and dyed green hair. His gold visor looked pretty cool, I’ll admit. The other—I could guess from his hunched demeanor alone—was definitely their token punching bag. He’s got these awkward gloves that are way too big for his hands. Dark eyes, short, black hair, and round… glasses…

NO FUCKING WAY!

“YOU—HIM! OH MY GOD! NOOOO, NO-NO-NO-NO! NO! NO!” Ain’t no motherfucking way this bitch is who I think he is, this has to be a prank! It has to! For the sake of my sanity! Oh, but it isn't! It’s fucking real!

“...Salena? You doin’ okay?” The others looked concerned at my sudden and dramatic outlash. Fucking of course, Donnie and Mikey wouldn’t know! Jason still had the bag over his head when he was around them! Fuck, why didn’t I just take it off right there!?

“Jason! That asshole was who we saved from Meatsweats a few months ago!”

Raph and Leo looked just as lost as before. Mikey and Donnie, on the other hand, went pale with shock.

“That was you!?” Donnie’s staff pointed directly at the fucker. “Why didn’t you say anything!? I know you recognized my voice!” 

“I can’t believe Salena and I interrupted a perfectly nice day to save you of all folks! You ruined our lovely little ice cream date, dawg!”

“I was being kidnapped by a pig monster? Why would I reveal I’m a rival when you were the only help I had?”

“And yet, here you are, the very reason we’re stuck in this creepy facility, preventing you three from illegally accessing information and doing who knows what with it even though you now owe us one, YOU UNGRATEFUL MENACE!”

Before I could fix my brain enough to join in on justifiably shaming the idiot, I noticed Leo and Raph exchanging confused glances at each other.

“...What the hell is going on?”

“Raph don’t know.” They both looked at me for answers because the universe hates me.

I tearfully and shamefully explained the bullshit scenario we are now stuck in due to my impulsivity. “Donnie, Mikey, and I saved a guy from Meatsweats I think back in April? H-he had a bag over his head so they didn’t know what he looked like and I-I was the only one who saw him without it b-but I didn’t know he was part of the fucking Purple Dragons and—Fuck my life! My first ever save and it was a villain!?” The one time I actually did something useful…

God, there’s so much noise everywhere! Everyone’s arguing with each other or trying to get it to stop or whatever else is going on! My head hurts. Why did I even come here? I should’ve just went home. I should’ve stayed with Zane. I keep getting in the way, I keep making mistakes, I keep ruining things!

I have to keep my composure, though. I don’t wanna cry in a situation like this, not when I’ve already done enough harm.

“Wait a sec, where’s Jeremy?” 

We all paused, the realization clearing up as we heard a cheer from another room. “Yes! I got in! I got past the system!”

“Holy shit, he’s in the computer lab! Quick, we—” 

A bat hit Donnie straight on his stomach and knocked him back, Raph catching him so he wouldn’t fall to the floor. 

Kendra clicked her tongue as she laughed. “I gotta hand it to ya, you morons somehow turned off these stupid security systems. Definitely the most annoying part I’d have had to figure out; I guess that’s why I wanted ‘em, anyway. I don’t know how you did it but congrats! You’re not completely useless.” It looked more like she was addressing Donnie over any of us.

“But now?” She and Jason blocked the door. Her bat stood by her side. “Stay out of my fucking way.”

Obviously, that’s not happening, so chaos erupted instead. One would think a Two VS. Five would be pretty easy to handle… until they saw how well Kendra used her bat, that is. She’s faster than I expected, able to zip around before anyone could properly react. Definitely has a strong arm, too. Then, of course, there’s the traitor. Jason pushed his glasses up his nose bridge and took out his own set of weapons. Or should I say, whipped them out. ‘Cause they’re actually fucking whips. 

They were almost impossible to get by. Glowing in the dark room, buzzing from the static friction they made against each other. 

He targeted them towards Leo who barely managed to dodge just in time. Mikey, not being as lucky, got smacked right in the face.

“OW! Hey! Since when did he even have those!?” 

“Oh! Since last week, actually. I made them using—”

Either the bitch has good hearing or I was too loud when my sickle swung at his head. “Are ya dense!? How are you still tryna maintain small-talk after literally betraying us!? You know what I looked like, you wouldn’t have even said anything if I didn’t call you out! You lied to me! I saved you and you lied!”

“AH! The hell, man!? You’re gonna kill me for that!?”

“No!” The sickles weren’t sharp, only a little solid. I know I gotta resist. Unfortunately. “Just knock you out for a bit, you scheming piece of shit!” 

I wish I could say I was making up for my several blunders tonight by at least being able to handle the living embodiment of a toothpick. My leg’s not super mangled up but, surprise-surprise, it’s hard to move at my fastest and dodge with it still being injured. He’s a little impressively good with those whips, too. It’s hard keeping track of where they both are at all times, the difficulty only increased by how quick he’s able to use them considering he’s only trained for a week. I’m trying my damn best with what I can.

“Oh my god, give it up with the guilt-tripping! I’m not gonna turn on my sister just ‘cause you saved me once!”

“Hell no! I risked turning into mutant-munchies for you—Hol’ up a sec.” The pure blasphemy that came out of his mouth shocked me so bad, I actually had to pause. “Kendra’s your sister? Ew, what’s that like?”

Yet another mistake on my part. One of the whips wrapped around my sickle to fling it and I—determined to not lose them again—got shot through the air along with it. 

At this rate, I’ll be free-bird flying and crashing to the floor every five minutes. I don’t even feel like getting up anymore. Fuck, I don’t usually feel pain so easily.

Hm?

The battle ground’s a little chaotic so it’s hard to follow when in the middle of it. But, now that I’m seeing it from a distance, everyone’s intentions are suddenly ten times clearer. Kendra’s hovering towards a specific direction, dancing around the door to where Jeremy is. Jason’s distracting everyone and keeping them from paying attention to her. I have a feeling that’s very much so on purpose.

She’s starting to go in. I guess it doesn’t matter whether or not I want to, I gotta get up now. I closed my eyes and with whatever strength I had, used my sickles to turn invisible and go after her. 

I snuck by Kendra and entered the lab. Jeremy was glued to the computer, staring at a loading screen. On the side of the PC was a USB stuck to the port. Of course, accidentally saving the villain wasn’t enough! They had to use the same shitty USB we went back for, too.

“Jeremy, status report!”

“It’s almost done downloading the files! Just a few more seconds and… We got it!”

“Nice work! Quick! Toss ‘em over!”

Oh boy, if Kendra’s able to gain the instructions for those freaky arms, who knows what she’ll make with it! I can’t let them get access to anything here!

 Thus, following my usual rule of acting-without-thinking, I threw a sickle at the USB. I don’t know if it was my panic or my rage that caused it to be so sharp but it cut the USB in half mid-air and smashed straight into one of the PCs. My punishment for resorting to such destructively impulsive solutions was being greeted by the lovely melody of security sirens going off for breaking their important tech.

“No! My USB! There was so much stuff in that! Fuck!” She is so seriously distraught over the wrong thing. 

Upon retrieving my sickle, I hadn’t realized I was flickering in and out of visibility till Kendra’s bat nearly made contact with my head. “You little skeeze! Do you have any idea how much of my progress you destroyed!” 

“But that’s mine and Jason’s progress—“

“SHUT UP!” She snapped her head back to bark at him and I took my moment of escape, knocking her down out of my way. Still, she kept up by yanking at my leg and pulling me down with her, severely getting on my nerves by now.

So, I kicked her in the face.

She stayed there, groaning in pain, while her sidekick buddy checked on her. Sure, I could’ve kicked a little softer but I think a bloody nose is merciful enough for her. 

I returned to the lobby, greeted by chaos more hectic than before. The alarms and sirens were still blaring, red lights flashing on and off the entire facility. Our oh so beloved security arm friends returned in even greater numbers now! If I believed in superstition, I’d believe this night was cursed.

Jason’s looking a little overwhelmed now having to solo both the Teenage Mutant Mad Dogz and the newly emerged robot claws, yet he’s still not giving in and letting the guys go in peace. Speaking of them, they’re scattered all over the place, trying to keep themselves and each other from getting yoinked and flung like I was earlier. 

Donnie was the only one who managed to maneuver over to me.

“Salena!?” 

“Donnie! What’s going on!? Where’d the stupid arms come from!?”

“Well, I suppose it’d be impractical if they only had one source of their weird mystic high-tech robots, so there’s that.” He spun his tech-bō and whacked away the claw that was following him. “What happened in there? You disappeared and then we heard a loud crash from that room and suddenly everything got dialed up to eleven!”

“Uh, yeah, my fault, I uh—Eek!” Thank god for reflexes, the only thing that let me slice at a robot arm before it sliced me. “Good news is, I destroyed the USB they were using so Kendra can’t access the government’s whatever-the-fuck anymore! Bad news, I also accidentally destroyed one of their computers in the process, set off the security alarms, and now we’re here. Sorry, haha…” 

“You what!?”

“It was an accident, I swear! I really didn’t mean—”

“You annoying little twinkle-toes!” Kendra charged at us from behind and her bat swung directly at me. Thankfully, Donnie blocked it from knocking me dead and sent Kendra back a few steps. 

“You know what? If you got Kendra this mad, then you’re forgiven for everything on my terms! Let’s go!” He grabbed my wrist and dragged us away from the bat-wielding maniac.

Though, I’m not sure whether a metal bat or metal claws are worse. A bunch of them charged towards me now that I got back within their sight. 

“Move!” He shoved me out of the way of the monster claws.

I slid on the ground, actually keeping my balance this time, and swung at another claw coming from my right. Without having a moment to breathe, I ducked and slashed at one right above me. I would’ve missed the one coming from behind me, had Raph not been there and created a mystic shield. There’s so many all around the flat and it seems I’m still their favorite toy. 

“Salena, try hidin’ somewhere!” He punched one of the claws straight on, the impact causing a loud clunk. “They keep coming after you!” 

“I can’t! They saw me even when I turned invisible, they probably have a different type of vision or something!” 

“Infrared vision, genius!” Kendra’s bat got caught by my sickle. She aimed for my torso this time, I’m surprised it wasn’t back at my head. “They were built with thermal sensors! Which I would’ve been able to shut off if somebody didn’t break the computers!”

“God, were you built to get on people’s nerves!?” 

I’ve just about had it with her bullshit, reflected in my blades turning sharp enough to slice her bat in half. I elbowed her in the stomach and took the chance to roll over to a new spot. The closest I can get to hiding is continuously moving, staying in one place meant getting hoarded.

Mikey grumbled nearby, his nunchucks spinning in his hands. “Man, they’re too much! We gotta go! Leo?”

“A bit busy!” Busy was right, he’s cutting down a good number of the plastic pains with his katanas. There’s no good opportunity to use them as an escape portal, let alone any safe ones.

Beep! Beep!

Donnie raised his gauntlet up and flashed what I assume to be the building’s security cameras he hacked into. “Oh, no, no, no, guys! They’re sending actual human officers up now! What do we do!?”

Everyone’s panicked, shit’s fucked to the brim, and the constant beeps and shrieks are only making it harder to think! Kendra’s yelling about her bat, Mikey’s chosen to deal with the Purple Disasters while they’re bickering away, Raph’s boxing the claws and shielding Donnie, who’s frantically typing at his wristwatch to hack the security, and Leo’s… Screaming and getting flung. Sweet, we’ve matched now.

I ran over to Leo, guarding him from the arms trying to take advantage of the situation. “So, how’d you like your first flight?”

“I’d prefer it more if I was actually expecting it.” He got up almost as fast as he crashed down, not wasting a single second to getting back in the fight. “Ugh, I gotta get us out of here, but I need an opening!”

“Want me to try clearing something out?”

“You got any plans on how—Shit, get back!” His arm pushed me back behind him to avoid getting hit. 

The white tails of my ribbon flew forward, slightly blocking my vision. I looked straight ahead, past the death machines and battle-ground chaos, and saw the glass windows showcasing the brightly-lit city night.

The ribbon…

…Bingo.

“I actually might.” I tugged at the silk tails and felt my hair flow down as it got undone. “Just trust me and get everyone out at the first opportunity you get!”

“Wait, what are you—”

I dashed past him before he could ask any questions, no real time for them now. My multitasking skills were given the ultimate test as I focused on darting across the room, intentionally getting the arms to gather and chase after me, while tying the ribbon to the handles of my sickles and connecting them together. 

In the corner of my eye, I saw Mikey had managed to take out Kendra and her sidekicks. Don’t even gotta worry about them now, it’s going better than I thought! There was pounding at the door. Seems Donnie locked the officers out for now, but I doubt it’ll be long till they find a way to break in by force. Gotta move fast. This plan could fail horrifically, but it’s the best shot we’ve got!

With all the security arms focused on me now, the boys had a clear opening to leave. I sprinted to the windows, wound back my sickles, and broke the glass with a single throw. 

Now or never!

“HOT SOUP!!!” 

And out the window I went.

The air felt amazing, rushing by my skin as I let gravity take over the fall. I turned myself over, now looking up at the sky. The arms were shooting out the windows, unable to reach down any further to get me. A flash of blue from the inside indicated everyone was out safely. That’s my cue to prevent myself from dying now!

I held onto one of my sickles and swung the other one up. My spine tingled as a pink aura washed over my hand and over the sickle that I grabbed, trailing its way up the white silk ribbon…

Transforming it to chains!?

The pure white mystic chain clanked as it stretched out. The sickle I threw up now broke through the glass side of the building and continued shattering through it straight down. A few broken shards chipped at me as I snapped back to reality and remembered the original plan. I closed my eyes and refocused on the sickles. No thoughts, no distractions, no room for any of them. I have to breathe. I have to focus. 

The blades morphed them into a stiff rubber. Too soft to break the glass, too strong to break itself in half, effectively yanking me to a stop. 

I did it.

I actually fucking did it!

“Holy truffle mac and cheese, that was awesome!”

“I know!” I excitedly greeted Donnie who had flown over using his jet pack. “I can’t believe it went so well! You saw it all?”

“And recorded!” He turned his back towards me and pointed at his shell. “Need a ride?” 

“Definitely.” 

We cruised across the sky onto the roof of a nearby building where the rest of the guys were. The instant I hopped off Donnie’s shell, Leo jumped me with a hug, followed by several frantic checks to make sure all limbs were intact.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? Are you dizzy? What’s wrong with you? You’re crazy! You’re crazy, you know that!?”

“Now who’s smothering them?” Mikey snickered at Leo, who looked relieved and on the verge of tears at the same time. 

“Everyone shut up and look at this video first! You’ll probably forget whatever meaningless chitchat you were having, anyway!” Donnie hissed from glee, using his extra mechanical limbs to huddle us all around his phone that was playing the video of me from a few moments ago. 

Looking at the footage now, it seemed the pink aura actually came from my whole body. It spread throughout my arms and circled past my hands, flowing to the white ribbon and replacing them with shimmering, white chains. 

Mikey screamed from excitement, holding onto my hands. “MYSTIC CHAINS! Omigosh, we match now! We’re like twins!” 

“I know! Isn’t it great!? We can be chain buddies—Eh, nevermind, that doesn’t sound right.” 

We sat around for a while so Leo could help with all the cuts and microscopic bits of glass stuck to me. In the meantime, they were all curious how the chains even came to be, which I sadly didn’t have a clear answer for. I went ahead and reassured them my plan would’ve still worked with the ribbon itself, though. Speaking of, I can’t really get my ribbon back now. Sorry, Mi. However, I did figure out how to make the chains vanish and re-materialize, so at least I don’t have to learn a different fighting style! 

Donnie was paying attention, I think. Just multitasking with a few holographic monitors up. He sighed and put ‘em away after a while.

“Yeah, no, sorry guys. Maybe my brain’s too fuzzy but I can’t hack into the actual database tonight.”

“No big deal, Don. Ya done enough.” Raph gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder. “Hey, you guys wanna go grab some pizza? Raph could use a break.”

“Yeah, I think we all could.” Hopeful, green eyes faced towards me. “Salena? It’s late but… You wanna join us for a bit?”

It’s around 3am now. If I went home now, I’d only get three hours of sleep and that’s assuming I’ll conk out immediately. It’s not impossible, though, I can feel the energy crash creeping up from all the adrenaline. But, I don’t know. I don’t wanna go yet. 

“I’m already out, aren’t I? Might as well!” 

Turns out, for once tonight, I made the right choice. It was fun getting to be with them in a more casual manner. Just chilling at a park, enjoying some pizza, and re-energizing myself as I watched them goof around. I checked through my phone while I enjoyed the delicious cheesy glory.

Everything seemed normal.

Except for one tiny issue.

I was putting it off but Zane sent a voice note to me a few hours ago. I don’t have earbuds but everyone’s pretty distracted right now, anyway. I could listen to it. Maybe it’s… Maybe it’s better than I think it is. 

I lowered the volume just to have it barely audible and clicked play.

“Hey. Um… I hope you’re home and safe now. I…” He sighed and went silent for a while. 

“This wasn’t how I intended tonight to be. It was such a gorgeous night. The weather was perfect. Everything was perfect. It was all going so well. What happened? Why do we always end up like this?”

I wish I knew. Or that he knew. Maybe we could’ve helped each other if just one of us knew what was the problem.

“Everything in my life always goes so wrong. I’m so tired of it, Salena. You’re the only thing I haven’t messed up. I don’t want to mess this up. I just—” I could hear a creek from the door opening as someone came in the room. “Yeah, it’s on the floor, clean it up. I don’t know how, just go clean it!”

Sounds of glass being swept up filled the background atmosphere. Zane sighed again. “Sorry. One of my vases broke tonight. The cherry on top, right? Anyway, uh… I’ll just end it here. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re dreaming of something nice. And I’m… I’m sorry.”

The voice note ended. It wasn’t that bad, I guess. I feel a little bad about earlier but I’m glad he apologized. I guess things are fine now. I should probably leave a text, it’d be wrong to hold a grudge if the situation’s already resolved. 

You: hey i’m safe yea. I just wanna say i’m sorry too for lashing out like that earlier. I hope you’re sleeping well, sweet dreams and see ya tomorrow <3

There we go. Nothing to worry about now. Nothing to stress over.

A hand tapped at my shoulder. I raised my head to meet Mikey smiling down at me. “Mind if I sit? They’re bein’ a little loco even for my taste right now.”

I looked straight and saw Leo and Donnie arguing over whether pineapple belongs on pizza and Raph taking the opportunity to sneakily eat their slices. Pretty tame behavior from them, but Mikey’s tone was too lighthearted to be serious, anyway. 

I shifted over on the bench and patted the empty space next to me. He sat down and brought his knees to his chest, his back leaning against my side. He shuffled with his phone for a bit before offering me one of his earbuds. “Wanna listen to Fall Out Boy with me?”

“Sure!” 

I could use some music after tonight.

Next Chapter

This chapter was nearly 15K words btw-

[rubyvroom]

to bookmark this comment and remind myself to check out her book, here is an excerpt from an interview with Emmeline Clein in the Mental Hellth newsletter (which I am not able to link to as it does not seem to exist on a URL)

as I was starting to think about this book, it was actually going to be about female hysteria through history, but the more I read, the more I kept seeing eating disorder symptoms in everything I was reading. And I realized that there wasn’t really a book that gave eating disorders the social, political, economic, historical and cultural crit treatment that a lot of other illnesses that don’t primarily affect women get. We hear, “depression is neoliberalism,” or, “opioid addiction is about late capitalism,” but we don’t really hear the same kind of structural analysis for eating disorders. It’s still largely construed as an individual issue... [sic] especially in treatment. If we can just shift the thought patterns, or shift the chemistry, then it’ll all be fine. So you see the same things as you do with a lot of disorders—medication, cognitive behavioral therapy. Which is all kind of based on this idea that an eating disorder is a false consciousness in your mind, something that’s telling you that it’s much more important than it is. Which, is, to use an overused word, a form of gaslighting, because of course being thin is being valued by our society. You’re being told over and over again—made to feel more confident, given more attention—that being thin is important, and then you have a doctor saying, “it’s all in your head.” And that also makes the medical world treat eating disorder patients as enemies of each other, vectors of illness that can spread, as opposed to seeing female friendship as a possible antidote.   We live in an incredibly cruel, fucked up world that’s largely motored by these racist and misogynistic beauty standards. And so what would happen if we were able to admit that eating disorders might be one of the most rational coping mechanisms and responses to the messages you’ve received? They’re still incredibly harmful and help uphold a standard we shouldn’t believe in, but they’re based in a kind of logical response to the world.

[myfriendofmiseryyy]

Fade into you

A Marcus pike x plus sized fem reader fanfic 💜

Content warnings!!!!!!

Mentions of very toxic relationships,mentions of verbal and emotional abuse,mentions of sexual assault and abuse.

3 months earlier:

Rain falls down my face as I stand outside his apartment for the last time,I’m done done with his mind games and constant gaslighting. I call an Uber to pick me up,and take me back “home” my own fucking apartment doesn’t even feel like home anymore every where I look I see all the memories and arguments I’ve had with jake,I can’t even sleep without having vivid nightmares about the last 12 months of our relationship.

I moved half way across the world for him,for it to be thrown back in my face when the abuse started. I should of seen it coming,I was stupid to think someone could actually love me. But at least I’ve got a job now,and I enjoy it. I work for the government,fbi to be exact,how I fucking FBI Agent didn’t see the fact my own boyfriend was abusing me for 4 years is beyond me. I get in the Uber and tell the driver the directions to my apartment,I feel on edge,I don’t trust anyone especially men. He gives me a kind smile and starts driving towards my apartment,sensing I didn’t want to speak,he just turned the radio on. Thank fuck.

I get home and slump on the couch,my now ex boyfriend has sent me multiple messages

11.30 pm

“Please I fucked up,please I love you forgive me”

11.33 pm

“Please baby,I will do anything”

11:45 pm

“Fuck you,worthless slut. You are not worth anything. Your friend is a better fuck anyway”

I block his number and his social media accounts.

One thing about being in the fbi is that I know he is going to pay for what he has done. Maybe after this is all over I will help over people in the same situation as me, help them get their life’s back on track. But first I need to help myself.

My apartment is a mess,my constant state of depression and being at work all the time has really taken its toll,I try my hardest but sometimes all the cleaning gets too much. I do the reminder of the dishes then decide to head to bed,not that I will be getting any sleep. I’m constantly terrified jake will break in,he has done it before. Breaking in to my apartment at the dead of night just to shout abuse at me,but my neighbours know what a scumbag he is,and they have cameras all over the building. “I’m safe” I tell myself.

No way am I sleeping with the lights off though,I do my nighttime routine and then text my co worker Marcus to say that I might be running late tomorrow because I’ve only just gotten back. Honestly,marcus has been suspicious of jake since the the day he burst into the office demanding that he needed to speak to me “right now” ever since then marcus has kinda been protective over me. Marcus and I have become pretty close friends (as close as Jake allowed us to be) and we check in on each other regularly. He has been through some shit the last few months with his ex Teresa,she abandoned him and called off the engagement after she met another guy. Marcus was in bits,I just wish I could of helped him more at the time. But I had to be home at a certain time,Jake set an alarm on his phone for what time I finished work,and if I wasn’t home by then he would go ape shit.

At least now I can hang out with Marcus and other co workers after work without jake breathing down my throat.

———————————————————————————-

3 months later

It’s been 3 months since I broke it off with Jake,my life has taken a turn for the better. I got a restraining order against him and I came clean about what happened to Marcus,he was infuriated and wanted to put the man behind bars. However Jake is (was) a cop and trying to put a cop behind bars is…very tricky,Jake knew all the best lawyers and the case fell through. It’s weird because technically the FBI is above the police but it still felt like Jake had all the power over me. I cried and cried that night. Marcus has Been there for me every step of the way,even down to coming to my apartment at 4am after I call him hysterically crying because I had a nightmare about Jake. He has installed new locks and a ring camera for me so I can see who is at my door,and has even taught me how to defend myself in that sort of situation. We have movie nights often where we take it in turns to pick a movie,I still feel very on edge around physical contact,Marcus acknowledges that and keeps his distance if needed,but honestly I like snuggling into him. He feels safe and I trust him. I often find myself falling asleep in his arms,it’s a reminder that I’m healing. I’m healing from all the shit Jake put me through. Although at the moment I can’t see myself and Marcus being more than good friends,I can’t help myself but like him as more than friends,he is kind,caring,compassionate and not to mention drop dead gorgeous. I think somehow,somewhere,someone put us together. I’m not a religious person,far from it. But I do believe in “soulmates” and I also believe in spirit guides. Maybe this is the way my life is supposed to go. Yeah I’ve been through a lot,to much if I’m honest. But maybe meeting and working with Marcus is the best thing that will ever happen to me,he certainly restored my faith in men.

I’ve been going to therapy for around 3 weeks now,my therapist being a very wise mid to late 50s woman,who has also gone through abuse.she tells me I am very strong and have a heart of gold. And that I need to heal before I get into another relationship. She has told me a lot of methods and books I can read,I’ve read more in the last few weeks than I have in my entire life.

Marcus is interested too,I lent him one of my books and he came to work the next morning with tears in his eyes and said “if this is just a fraction of what you went through then you are the strongest person I’ve ever known” and pulled me into a hug. Marcus is never shy to show his emotions,I like that about him. He is never shy of crying at a movie or a good song,he is never shy of telling me how HE feels. It has come up in conversation once or twice how he “thinks the world of me” and I’m “the most powerful beautiful woman he’s ever met” it normally comes out on the nights I’m crying into his shoulder because I think it’s all my fault. “Darling,one day you will know how it feels to be loved by a proper man,a man who will do anything for you because you deserve everything” he will whisper into my ear,he knows I am not ready for a relationship yet,he actually encourages I heal first,just like he did with Lisbon. But feelings are feelings and we both know that our feelings towards each other are more than platonic at this point. Small touches and eye contact kinda give it away,I just wish I wasn’t so fucked in the head that I could act on those feelings.

Later that day

Marcus comes over for our weekly movie night and we start the night off like we usually do,getting takeout. I’ve started to feel more insecure about eating around Marcus recently because of my feelings for him. I’m a bigger girl and all through out my life I was told I’m “fat” and “shouldn’t be eating that” the take way is ordered and it comes in no time,we get the pizza and sourdough out of the boxes and sit down on the sofa. “You can eat around me ya know,I think your body is beautiful,I don’t care what society thinks” Marcus softly says. “I know…it’s just all through out my life people have told me I shouldn’t eat certain “fatty” foods because I’m already fat enough” I sigh.

“Well fuck them,eat what you fucking want. It’s your life not theirs.” He says softly then chuckles.

“You think I’m beautiful?” I shyly say.

“I know you are” he says and leans in closer to me.

Ya know how I said I love how Marcus speaks his mind? That is what I mean,he isn’t afraid to say something “controversial” he also isn’t afraid to admit something is off with himself or if something is off with me he will be the first person to notice. He’s just so god damn perfect.

I sigh deeply.

“What’s up” he says after finishing his pizza “pizza put you in a food coma?” He chuckles.

“No no,I’m fine! just…thinking”

“Penny for thoughts? Or do you want to be left alone for a bit?”

Prang there goes my heart strings again,god fucking damnit.

“Could we just cuddle for a bit? Could use the grounding?” I say softly.

“Sure thing hunny,come ‘ere” Marcus pats his chest.

We stay cuddled for around half an hour,to be honest I’m far from relaxed I’ve been rehearsing a fucking speech for the past hour,of how I’m going to admit my feelings to Marcus,how I’m going to go about it.

“You sure you ok? You are very quiet today” Marcus strokes my hair gently.

Fuck it I’m gonna tell him,what could possibly go wrong?

“Marcus,can we talk?” I say shyly.

“Yeah of course what’s up hun?” He lifts his head up slightly and pauses the movie on the screen.

I take a deep breath,”this has been bubbling for a while now,but I like you.more than just friends,you make me feel safe,protected…happy again,you’ve help me through the toughest times of my life…you’ve helped me heal. I never thought I would trust anyone with my heart again but you came into my life with your charm and kindness and swept me off my feet. I think I’m ready to take my healing journey to the next step,to be in a relationship again,and I want it to be with you”.

Marcus looks shocked but happy,he puts his finger on my cheek and wipes the tears,”oh darling I’m so proud of you, you already know how much I think of you,how beautiful I think you are. And how I want to spend the rest of my life proving how real love should be. But for you to say those words,I’m so fucking proud of you. I know how much it took for you to say those words,and how much it even took for you to admit you had feelings for someone again. We can take this as slow as you want,your in control here,we will do this at your pace. And I mean everything,sex,kissing,going out in public,everything is your pace I promise”. He holds my face in his hands before pulling me into a hug,I can’t help but breakdown a little. This is the safest I’ve ever felt,in years…maybe even in my life,and it’s all thanks to Marcus.”don’t cry baby,you’ll get me going” Marcus soothes me gently by rubbing my back. “There happy tears,I’ve never felt so happy and safe with anyone” I say wiping my tears.” “Is it ok if I kiss you,I really want to kiss you” “I want you to kiss me Marcus,I’ve dreamt of kissing you for the last 8 months,when I was with Jake, and he would kiss me,I imagined it was you,even though you are nothing like Jake…obviously,I’m rambling just kiss me” I laugh softly. The moment his lips meet mine it is like a million fireworks,his lips are so soft and plump,like they were made for me. They mold into mine so easily,the softness of his lips and the slight roughness of his stuble,it all feels so amazing,it feels natural to kiss him. Like we have been together all along,our skins rubbing against each other as we kiss.

When we finally break the kiss,the look on both our faces is pure bliss,”so your saying…all them years I’ve been in bad relationship after bad relationship you were here all this fuckin time,waiting for me?” I chuckle softly. “That’s how the world works darlin” he laughs and cups my face in his hand “your an amazing kisser,I can’t believe I didn’t kiss you sooner” he chuckles

“You and me both,I wish I found you when I moved over here. Not stayed with that abusive dickhead for another 5 years.” I sigh softly “you make me feel so alive Marcus”

We have a deep chat about how our relationship is going to go for the next 4 hours before heading to bed.

“Can you…sleep with me tonight, I know you normally sleep on the couch but…I want to be close to you” I say shyly.

“Of course hunny,I couldn’t think of anything more perfect” Marcus whispers.

We sleep in each others arms all night.

[therealteslathedog]

SPOILERS FOR SAM AND MAX: THE DEVIL’S PLAYHOUSE

(Also a rough personal vent based on how much this game resonated with me. Trust me, it’s not for the faint of heart. Warning: contains instances of childhood trauma and the many other mental health conditions it came with)

This game did so much justice for Sam and Max themselves, considering how this game is the first time anyone has seen these two in this multi-layered light since the original was released by Telltale back in 2010. I could go on about how this game has very much given me even more appreciation for Sam, because it has! But I really do want to talk about what was confirmed in this game about Max.

First of all, I love that when we’re in the Museum of Mostly Natural History in the episode They Stole Max’s Brain, we get an exhibit on how “the world will end” which shows a display of a giant monster destroying a city and the scene mechanically rotating into a desolate wasteland where the city used to stand. Mostly because of how well it works as foreshadowing for what was to come, (that foreshadowing also happened in The Penal Zone where Sam and Max first discover the Toybox) which ended up being Max turning into that giant monster that was predicted to bring the end of the world by the end of The Alley of the Dolls.

In the grand finale The City That Dares Not Sleep, when we’re literally inside Max himself, we end up learning his own Super Ego hates him and wants him to die. The Superego isn’t a separate entity, he is very much a part of Max’s own mind. I’m pretty sure every other Sam and Max fan who’s played this game has pointed out Max being as depressed and self-loathing as he is, and hiding it behind his sense of humor and his iconic smile. (He even brings up earlier in The Tomb of Sammun-Mak that he likes to fall asleep to the song “Tears of a Clown” which if you’ve heard of it, it’s 100% because he relates to that song. That’s just more good foreshadowing)

Honestly, I’m just going to say this, this 100% is something I deeply relate to. I’m probably going to vent a lot, but it’s important to understand where I’m coming from. During my childhood, I kept finding myself in these special Ed programs that I hated being in, they never truly felt like they were safe, but I had no choice but to put up with them since as far as my parents knew from the people who misinformed them, kids are completely incapable of truly understanding what is best for them. There were several times where I knew something was wrong with the way my life was, but I couldn’t put my finger on it since I was so young and constantly surrounded by people gaslighting me because I was that young. My autism diagnosis was something I deeply resented because it put me into these programs where I was objectified and told how the way I am and behave is wrong and should behave how THEY instruct me to. A lot of pressure was often put on me to behave with this standard of “perfection”, often leading me to be punished for not perfectly following that standard. I had no choice but to bottle up those imperfections because of the teachers of Special Ed that would constantly watch me like a hawk and sometimes even follow me around when I’m just trying to get on with my school day and get to my latest class in time. It didn’t help that I also kept getting prescriptions for medication that did more harm than good for me. One of the pills caused me to rapidly gain around 20 pounds in the span of a few weeks as a 9 year old, (making Sam pretty damn relatable in his own right too.) and another prescription REALLY messed with my brain. (If you want an example to how I acted on that awful drug, just think about how Lemongrab from Adventure Time was like) All this along with a few other reasons I might bring up someday ended up getting me to first develop suicidal thoughts at age 10. And as soon as that happened, I was taken to a children’s psych ward in a hospital where for some fucking reason, some “responsible adults” thought it would be a good idea to put the kid that thinks they’re a freak of nature that never should have existed in the first place in to a children’s psych ward made up mostly of kids that were surrendered from their parents for then being drug addicts and committing crimes they’re now in prison for. My much pickier childhood self when it came to the foods I ate (which is something a lot of autistic people are known for diagnosis wise) and the people running the ward didn’t give a damn and I spent my time malnourished lying in bed waiting for myself to starve to death and finally end everything I was going through up to that point. It took my mother INSISTING constantly that she bring food that I like so I could finally be more well nourished. But I can assure you it was hell, a hell I was stuck in for 11 days.

A bunch of other messed up stuff happened too, but I think this information has the gist of why I’m like this. It really wasn’t easy for me to type out, let alone have the nerve to publish on a public site. Honestly, I’d say Sam and Max: The Devil’s Playhouse resonated with me in a similar way Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 did. (If any of you have also seen that movie, you’d know EXACTLY what I mean. What I brought up also made Rocket Raccoon’s story resonate with me as much as it did.)

I’d like to thank the people of Skunkape for remastering this game so more people like me can have access and experience this masterpiece of a game. It was just what I needed now, and I couldn’t be more grateful of it happening!

[cosmichighpriestess]

See how I overcame so much adversity with so much grace, so much patience, so much compassion, so much forgiveness & so much wisdom? I'm so grateful every moment, I'm unbothered, unmoved, at peace and living proof that with God anything is possible. I'm so grateful for the experiences that made me unshakable and unbreakable. It doesn't matter what threat or situation is thrown my way, I know God has my back. It often takes me leaving people's lives, and watching me go from sad & depressed one moment; transmuting energy (because they were projecting negative energy onto me). To, being optimistic & happy (my true core signature frequency energy) for them to register that I was very valuable, very rare and never needed them. They just couldn't see it because my embodiment of love made them feel like they were the prize. They thought they were the only guy in the world and that I should chase them. I'm not co-dependant on their acceptance.

When they were supposed to step up to the plate and become the champion, the leader, the one who earned me & their self mastery through passing spiritual tests & initiations. Yes, they began to believe they were the prize and that I had to fight for them, that they were really the princess in the tower. I became my own prince just to deal with their non stop judgement and abuse. But I just laughed at their poor decisions to completely fumble me, the bag; the real prize. They fell for karmic women who just used them and pretended to be the one and cheated on me their gift their, divine feminine then realized how they mistreated me. I am my most valuable possession. I am a real life Goddess, and demand to be treated like one otherwise they are not aligned with me and don't belong in my life.

They thought it would be easy to manipulate me, gaslight me, slander my name, silence me, speak lies, love bomb me, control me, breadcrumb me, downplay who I am and they couldn't admit they fumbled the ball. Some people actually believe I don't know who I am and that I don't know my worth or what I bring to the table because I'm humble. I'm humble because I humble myself because it feels good to be humble and I believe the most beautiful people are humble, not less than. I'm either too much, or not worthy enough or too humble, too confident, too loud or too quiet ect. I was isolated for most of my life but it wasn't always my choice. I have a very extroverted side but it was Source who showed me their true self.

They showed me their true self because they thought I was beneath them, so they thought they had a free pass to treat me how they wanted to but really truly God was exposing them to me before God showed them who I really am. A happy, abundant, peaceful, loving, positive, kind, respectful being. Not perfect, but perfectly imperfect. Being around my presence is a once in a lifetime opportunity because there's no one else like me and there never will be. I'm not separate from anyone, & I'm not better than anyone but I know my worth and that simply offends most people once they realize they can't manipulate me. They mistake true confidence and self love with arrogance. No one lacks any confidence. They just have complete confidence in lack, in themselves. You don't ever have to learn or try to be confident you just have to decide what you're confident about.

Once the words are spoken aloud about my self love & worth are spoken to people with self hatred. Their faces turn to hate and envy. They love to see others joining in on the hate parade and hate how I love myself in a world committed to bringing me down. They try to outcast me because they can't stand in my presence alone because my presence exposes their shadows. They resent me because they resent God and have a difficult relationship with God. I don't exist to be a doormat, a dance monkey or a people pleaser. I have no time for drama. That's not who I am. God gave me power, wisdom, discernment and self mastery. In many ways God has molded me and fixed parts of my programming that didn't allow me to see who I really am. Unconditional love and a Goddess.

I'm not just speaking for myself, I'm speaking for everyone that had to fight to know themselves and stand up for themselves even when your character was attacked just for speaking up about an issue. And you were not believed by the people who believed your abuser over your very real experience. Your determination to stand in your truth, to be your authentic self even when you're being projected upon and hated on, to never give up on yourself, to forgive those who hurt you, to be the light in the dark, to show compassion when you were given none deserves a standing ovation and you will be rewarded greatly for standing up for the truth. See how you can respond to challenges with more love and more compassion in your authenticity and truth. And fall in love with your spirit.

[lanwangjiismyreligion]

Warning: This post ist about personal experiences with emotional and narcissistic abuse in families. Please be aware that this content can eventually be triggering, thank you.

Yesterday I got an e-mail and it was written in regards to an article I posted on my small German blog last month. This article was my personal attempt to talk about a phrase I heard a few weeks before:

"Aren't we all a little bit narcissistic?"

Here is the link to my article. It is written in German but feel free to share anyway:

I took this phrase and made it the title of my article. I wrote about how such a phrase minimises and trivialises the harm of certain personality traits and in the end shifts the blame to the victims of emotional narcissistic abuse. This kind of societal gaslighting is often used in Germany, unfortunetly.

And this e-mail was such a touching feedback that made me think like rather spontenious: perhaps I should write some kind of memoir where I can collect and share some of my experiences so far? It would be so much nicer to have a book than just posting short articles on my blog ...

2 Seconds later, a shrieking voice screamed in my head: Am I out of my mind??? How could I think I had the skill or the guts to pull this of? How dare I'm that arrogant to think that this is a good idea? Do I want to be the next Stefanie Foo? How insolent, how prespumptous, how overbearing, how absurd and irrational ...

After my inner selfabuse faded a bit, it dawned me: It doesn't matter what I start writing the anxiety of trying and potentially standing out in the open is always there. It scares the hell out of me to be successful doesn't matter how small this success is.

And here ist are some more crazy thoughts:

I don't really think that, well, I know it sounds ridicules, but I don't really know if my experiences are qualified enough to justify writing a memoir.

I'll be blunt: Perhaps on an absurd level of self gaslighting I am not sure if I'm "traumatized" enough. Yeah, even as I write this, I feel that I must be crazy to think that my parents had been that bad.

Because its all so fresh, I mean that I' m able to recognice the possibility that I could be a narcissistic abuse survivor. After I published my fantasy book in September 2023 I started to feel fatigued and anxious instead of being happy. But I couldn't stop writing and I wanted to be a selfpublisher, so I fought. I was live on Instagram, reading chapters, I found an real life writing community were I'm active and do readings, I'm now a member of the team that runs the community, yes, I am successful in a small way.

But marketing was and is so, so scary, the thought of making my book - and in the end myself - public alone was and is terrifying. Yes, I did some things but it was far, far less then some "normal" selfpublisher does in a commercial writing carrier on average. Really far, far less.

I have not an official C-PTSD diagnosis.

I just discovered that in my family was some strange sickening pattern between children and adults that seemed to come from parts of my grandparents and that my parents showed the same behaviour, perhaps a little bit of a variant. My father showed this entitlement, he did the silent treatment, showed impulsive rage, one day something was okay, the other day not, so there were no rules, the jealousy he showed toward my friends and male lovers, he did the triangulation thing with me and my older sibllings, like I was the golden child but later I turned into a scapegoat within days and so on.

It took me until last year to recognize that depression, burnout, immune system problems, heart and blood preassure problems and anxiety where all normal illnesses we younger ones are dealing with until today. Some of these things I associate with PTSD or C-PTSD now, but actually I cannot say for sure because no one diagnosed me or the others. But depressioen and Burnout were diagnosed but it wasn't put into a connection as consequences from emotional abuse.

But this e-mail showed me that it seems there are people out there without a chance of getting a diagnosis who can identefy with my experience and now I'm sitting here thinking in circles:

[roxyzwritez]

Stevens Trauma, and My Own Parallels.

tw: SH, su1c1d3 mentions, mental unwellness. this post gets fucking depressing. under the cut is my tale. im definitely not channeling that one person who makes detailed and really good analyses of stevwn universe... completely unrelated haha impatheticsometimes

alright. steven meltdown arc. love it.

i dont have ptsd but there are definitely relatable parts. "i need to help everyone and forget about myself" is how i spent covid. very (unintentionally) toxic atmosphere with my old friend group. a congregation of mentally unstable teens. everyone, essentially daily, having hard suicidal moments. and me panickimg and trying to talk them out of it. i wasnt amazing at it cuz they tried anyway, maybe going back at the last minute. never lost anyone, prob out of hard luck. the need to help. i was exhausted but i kept going. our collective signal for feeling suicidal was a :) and every time i see it i feel uneasy. even if only for a second. but it doesnt go away. its horrifying. i see it and i start overanalyzing the context it was used. does this person want to commit? how can i help? ok maybe i do have some trauma.

not talking abt my problems to make ppl happy. the amount of times i wanted to kms and i put a little :) in my status and id get flooded with messages. it felt painfully nice having ppl care (genuinely painful: hated myself. ppl being warm and supportive and caring made me cry and made me ANGRY. i felt like a fraud- oh hey, that sounds familiar!) and i would be like nono, see im fine. id essentially try to weakly gaslight my fucking friends into believing i was perfectly fine. oh that status saying i want to die? idk what ur talking about bro... not me! that post in my channel talking abt me hating myself? ur just imagining things. guess what? i knew that was wrong. it made me hate myself even more. i put up barriers and cut myself off from my closest ppl. i actually blocked people or just ignored them. i would push ppl away and, somehow despite their own problems, they still stuck by my side. god i would subtly ask for help and then get upset when someone answered. id be like no this isn't how youre supposed to do this. id be like you dont know how bad i am. im so horrible. (i had fuel for this too- i am into very taboo shit and i hate it honestly. yeah its fiction but i just. eygh. its all just trauma related im assuming but that doesnt help.) of course i never shared exactly what but i hoped they'd take my word for it. they always saw thru my bullshit lol.

one time. someone who was very good at comforting me was tryinh to get me to imagine a happy place. just to think of when im feeling bad. i was having none of it. but they did the right thing and continued. i freaked the fuck out and deleted my channel- with months of history. gone. and i blamed them. i was so angry at myself and them but more so me. i was so horrible there. i was like YOU COULDVE JUST STOPPED LIKE I TOLD YOU TO. i made them feel like shit.

i lost my train of thought but yeah as cr1tikal said, that's about it have a good o-

[batb1mb0]

Since I’m seeing a lot of people write about their religious upbringing and Ghost…I guess it’s finally my turn. I don’t know if I should but warnings but I’ll put them here anyway.

TW: talk of religion (obviously), family member death, minor talking about masturbation acts, religious trauma, gaslighting, toxic relationship with family

TL:DR: I loose my grandmother and start questioning my faith. Later on my friend shows me the band Ghost and I thought I could finally like something that I relate to.

This all started in 2014 when I was just a freshman in high school. I was 14 at the time about to turn 15, living the best of my life that I possibly could for a 14 year old. I was learning how social media worked, I was playing flash games, I had a great connection with my family. Life was great. The only down side was my grandmother, who I was very close to, was very very sick. She had been sick for three years before this whole moment in time. I got a text one day in December. I still remember the date and time of that message; December 17th, 2014 at 2:45 pm. I see that my mom had texted me and said that both her and dad are in the high school lobby waiting to pick me up. I found this weird since I didn’t need two family members to pick me up. So I thought nothing of it.

When I got downstairs, that was when I heard the news that made me loose my cool. My parents informed me that afternoon that my grandmother had just passed that afternoon and they were signing me out of school a week early due to funeral planning and other things like that. The moment I heard that news, I broke down in tears and fell to my knees. I loved my grandmother. She was like a second mother to me and now I had just heard the news that she was no longer with us. This was the start of my spiral into depression. And it didn’t help that I tried to live in denial for the most part of it.

So with this major death in the family, I was really starting to question my religion. I was brought up Catholic in a very religious family. We always went to church every Saturday evening, I was practically brain washed into thinking this is the only religion you can be. I understand that some other Catholic upbringing stories are not like this but the way mine is, it was more like a cult the more I think about it (I’ll make a separate post talking about that). I really was thinking if god was all good and loving, then why couldn’t he fix and heal my grandmother. I was told to always pray to god if I needed help but it was clear he wasn’t listening to me in those moments. So I decided to drop Catholicism as a whole. The only problem was, my high school was Catholic and I had to get through three years of pretending to be Catholic.

Jump to my senior year of high school. I was 17 at the time so I am still a minor. My high school was offering this religious retreat called kiros. Basically it was a religious retreat to grow your relationship with god or find him again. It was for four days and three nights and I look back to it…it sucked. If you didn’t think religion can be a cult, this was surely the nail in that coffin. We were given the same shirt and the same colored bandanna. The only way to tell us apart were the pants we wore. And we had to wear that shirt the whole time. But this is only scraping the surface of this whole retreat.

The one night I am haunted by is the night we had to do confessions. Now already I don’t like telling a stranger my imperfections, what made them think I would tell a holy man my imperfections. Well…I don’t know how but it worked. I was put into a small room with the priest, he got me to calm down and I still curse myself each day for remembering the interaction so well. The way I had admitted to self exploration in the bedroom, the way I was crying out of sheer EMBARRASSMENT! I wasn’t being healed. Though the priest thought I was being healed and finally accepting god into my heart and that’s why I was crying. No. I was bawling my eyes out due to the embarrassment I felt that I just told this man, who is a stranger and old enough to be my dad, what I had done to myself. It was that I finally was seeing how scary this religion truly is…how far gone you can easily be if you are not careful. I should say any religion is that way. But my experience was truly traumatic and I was given nothing in return. I gave until I could not give no more.

Jump to me in college, these next five years flew by quickly. I was finally with people I could call friends. A close friend of mine showed me their tarot cards, and I was fully clicking with it. Better than my TWELVE YEARS of Catholicism did for me. Of course when I was getting into tarot and the starts of paganism I hid it from my parents. Mainly my mother since I knew she would disapprove of it. And I was right. When I was 22 and I told her I am now pagan, she never gave me a second glance. Just an eye roll and thinking I’m trying to get out of going to church with her. No. This is something I made on my own. And this was around the time a friend I met at work was telling me about Ghost. I had Mary on a Cross playing since it was a song I was hearing all over Tiktok and I just liked the tune of it. So they told me a little about the band and showed me a few more of their songs that I was instantly clicking with. Year Zero and Cirice really got to hold onto me and given my past, it shows why Cirice really has a hold on me.

Even today, I am finding so many friends in this community who have some variety or religious trauma or just use the music to escape. I’ll say this, I’m glad I was introduced to it. It helps me when I am in my dark hours and when I feel like the world is crashing down on me. It is a temporary escape while I still live with my parents for the time being. However my happiness always has to come to an abrupt end. Present day me, did recently receive a letter that high school me did write. Everything was fine until I read one line of the letter…a line that nearly sent me over the edge when I read it…

“Hopefully you are still Catholic, if not pray to god and help yourself to get back into his love”

Even going to as far as to attached a picture of the letter to show I am not making any of this up…But yeah…thanks to the wonderful people who have been with me all through this little obsession, you guys mean the world to me…it’s true. If you do have ghost…you really do have everything

-Chloe

Below is the actual letter…

[catcatb0y]

I dunno, honestly, the whole bullshit with disorder-abuse makes even less sense when you start to branch out more.

Myself and quite a few of my family members suffer from ADHD. I have it really, really bad.

Listen, I could spend hours breaking down the specific ADHD traits that made those adults in my life manipulate and at least borderline abuse me. The amounts of breakdowns I have had that I can link specifically to many different traits of those adults' ADHD symptoms is astronomical.

Even myself, like. I struggle every day to keep my ADHD, especially, from "winning." It makes me neglectful, it makes me forgetful, it makes me ungodly sensitive sometimes, and it makes me chronically awful with so many basic functions that lead to a power imbalance in a relationship.

But... "ADHD abuse" isn't a thing.

No one's talking about parents with untreated RSD lashing out at their kids for being 'too negative' (even though it happens). No one talks about executive dysfunction blocking people off from doing the things they said they were going to. No one is leaping to talk about how ADHD memory gaps can lead to intentional or unintentional gaslighting (like actually legitamate gaslighting, not just lying, like "You must be crazy I never said that," repeated over and over kind of gaslighting). Hyperfixations and similar obsessions can be detrimental!! And sometimes, when directed at a person, just as dehumanizing as NPD traits can.

No one jumps to talk about how untreated ADHD can lead to severe depression, anxiety, mood swings, up to and inclusing dissociation. How difficult it is to be around people with untreated or treatment resistent ADHD. How unintentionally abusive some of those traits can make people.

ADHD has its own little form of ableism where people treat it like the "kids who can't sit still disorder," when homie I am sitting so still my head is in the clouds and I can't see anything in front of me.

But generally people who aren't blindly ableist understand and acknowledge that ADHD isn't something that people chose and it exists on an incredibly vast spectrum. So many kids with ADHD grew up punished by their parents who even had ADHD themselves, and yet there's no mass dehumanization of people with ADHD to paint them all as abusers. People with ADHD can be incredibly neglectful to their friends or coworkers, people with ADHD can be incredibly neglectful towards their romantic partners; people with ADHD have to self police their own actions and responses to make sure they're not stepping over that little abusive line.

Having ANY form of neurodivergency, especially the ones that blur or alter your perception of reality, gives you a little boost towards the "bad" side of interacting with a power imbalance, but guess what? A shit ton of neurotypical people don't even need that little push to be complete fucking assholes!

ADHD abuse doesn't exist. Why the fuck would you think Personality Disorder abuse exists? (Much fucking less if "anyone can be a PD abuser," then it's just acknowledging an abusive pattern that has nothing to do with the name of a legally diagnoseable disorder and you're still just an asshole).

If you think this post is dragging ADHD as a scary/abusive disorder, go touch grass. Read a book. Tell me why you think the curtains are blue.

[chiffonperiwinkle]

This is it Fucking Asshole, I'm done

Ok this is going to be a long rant. I'm leaving the place I currently am in and so it won't matter that I finally blocked him now. It took me a long time to finally cut him off because I was afraid of him. Sorry in advance for heavy topics.

tw for unhealthy relationships, violence

I can't believe I considered him my partner for two years. It was one-sided (I did not like him back but I didn't want to leave and hurt him) and I suppose it was also reinforced by my own emotional problems when I was badly depressed. Back then he wasn't so much of an asshole, and he always said he loved me, he was attracted to me, stuff like that. Back then I didn't really explore labels so I didn't really think of myself as aromantic. It was fine until he crossed my hard boundary: he talked down my special interest when I specifically told him to not to. And initially, he was happy that I was enjoying what to do. How fucking ridiculous of him to suddenly thought it was okay to treat me like that afterwards.

I guess I forgot to tell him to keep it private, so he immediately told the situation to others, including stuff about my sp/in. Then I couldn't help but try to expose him on social media for being rude and someone who crosses hard boundaries. I didn't want to talk to him for a while, and I certainly didn't know that he was trying to get his "friends" (involved in borderline illegal stuff) to doxx me and beat me up. Since he has his own medical struggles and stuff he would use that to guilt trip me and say that he would do unspeakable things to himself if I left him. So of course my cowardly ass stayed for him and started talking to him again.

During that few months in which we were trying to "work it out", he was basically saying this all the time

"you should devote all of your time to me, i don't like how I need to always text you first, do you even care about me? you don't put in any effort"

and of course I wanted us to not be enemies, but I couldn't deal with someone this volatile. I told him that I needed my own space and preferred alone time a lot. So I guess that continued in peace. Until somehow he found out about my efforts in trying to build a platonic connection with another person. I don't remember how he knew, if I told him (hell why did i trust him to not hurt me again) or if he was spying on us, but he knew that I was putting more effort into befriending someone else. And so, he slandered us. He compared my friend to a convicted criminal and called me immoral. He said something along the lines of "omg you're so gross" and "you guys will never be real friends lol" But I was simply trying to befriend someone whom I really felt grateful for, and a kindred spirit similar to myself? Then he would gaslight me and say weird things like "the person you're trying to befriend hates you/is disappointed in you etc"

Anyway, I ghosted him for three months after this. and during that, he would mock, provoke, and talk shit about me in public just to get a response. And I guess he succeeded: because first, I couldn't put up with him anymore, second I was also dealing with a stalker then and he offered to help me. I feel so fucking stupid for going back to him again, if I could slap my past self I would do that 100x times. I guess then we were in peace again. He still didn't like me nor my friend-to-be, either (he got mad at me whenever I mentioned that person lol) and so i tried to let him meet my friend and my friend also disliked the asshole (buddy if you see this lol i think you said he talks too much or smth? but yea he def does don't let him in) and i guess after a while i stopped talking to the Asshole. He's in a position of power in the organization where I am, so no one could really do anything about him. I didn't block him for a long time because i was afraid he would slander/defame me and oomfs and/or retaliate with violence (when I first met him, he responded by throwing something at me and when we were together he would sometimes hit me and sometimes snatch my phone and then say it was a joke) but now since I'm leaving that organization, I no longer belong there and I can hopefully safely cut all ties with him. And now I've built a genuine connection with the aforementioned friend. I'm glad it all worked out buddy, and thanks for your unwavering support.

Asshole, if you ever dare to come across my page and stalk my social media, I have many things that I want to say to you: How are you a part of the queer community and still assume my identity and my personal relationships? How dare you attempt to tarnish a genuine connection between two kindhearted people? How dare you cross my boundaries, when I told you not to? How dare you retaliate, provoke, frame and never apologize for what you've done but instead ask me to apologize to YOU? I hope you have a horrible life, I hope you forget your meds, I hope you rot. You are so full of yourself while disregarding the feelings of everyone else, that no matter how accomplished you are, others will know you by your aggressive nature alone. The heavens are watching. May karma find you.

To my two irl moots who will probably see this, thank you both for the help. Without you, I don't think I would've survived this year's tribulations. May true companionship, kindness, and love always prevail.

[witch-apologist]

Catra: "I'm not going to force Adora to come back for you."

Shadow Weaver: "If you dont ill torture you more and maybe kill you. Also i just demonstrated that you cant run away because i will literally know where you are no matter what so dont even think about rebelling "

Catra, terrified: "okay" (still gonna secretly cover for her tho)

Catra antis: "She was mean to adora for no reason, everything she did was out of evil evil malice not fear."

Adora: "come with me"

Catra: *considering it*

Light Hope: "Heres a series of memories that im going to make you relive specifically selected to make you mad at each other and i will kill both of you if adora keeps protecting you, so skedaddle because i want to groom this girl to do genocide just like the horde before me"

Catra: "welp im not sticking around otherwise we are both gonna die and im also severely traumatized from having to literally relive my worst memories so im kinda antsy and dont want to be tethered to the person who was forced to be responsible for me i want to prove im capable myself, so im not going to help you up the weird castle lady will probably save you anyway so i dont actually think im leaving you in danger."

Catra antis:" Shes so horrible she tried to murder adora and there was absolutely nothing but murdering adora for no reason on her mind, Light hope really cared about adora here and saved her from the horrible abusive catra. "

Scorpia: "Hey lets get out of the horde together because you could be happy "

Catra: "Hmm maybe youre right, well gotta go take care of this other situation."

Adora: "hey remember our mutual abuser who always made you feel like second best and tortured you and you know can track you anywhere on the planet and who just abandoned you like a week ago and who has literally told you multiple times shed kill you given the first opportunity? Well shes at my place now."

Catra: incredibly triggered and traumatized "Scorpia we are going to carry out revenge on my abuser i am solely focused on this because my rage at being abused has consumed my thoughts

Shadow Weaver: "Hi catra, nice to torture you again, ill likely kill you as well."

Catra: "okay now we're DEFINITELY opening that portal"

Catra antis: "everything bad she did was solely to spite Adora there are no sympathetic or understandable things that could possibly explain this downward spiral except that shes an evil evil abuser."

Catra: has literal amnesia and cannot see what adoras seeing "You are concerning me because it seems like you are suddenly developing psychosis"

Catra antis: shes gaslighting adora!

Catra: has nightmares,emotional breakdowns, and depressive episodes from the guilt of what shes doing.

Catra antis: "she wasnt even sorry she only acts good for adora because shes manipulating her"

Catra: "literally apologizes multiple times"

Catra antis: "she never apologized even once"

Catra: shows actual metered progress and takes in outside input to improve her behaviour and outlook

Catra antis:"she didnt even put in any work to redeen herself"

Catra: "defends herself from assault and restraint and protests to adora commiting suicide"

Catra antis "look at this abusive behavior persisting into their reconciliation"

Catra: Literally tries saying anything she thinks might keep adora alive and actively contradicts adoras negative self image.

Catra antis: "Manipulation! Guilt Tripping! Abuse!"

Catra antis reading comprehension: 0

[tinamaetales]

You’re not sorry

“So you’re apologizing…..Ok, I don’t forgive you……No, I’m not gonna give you closure. You don’t get that. You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it’s never, ever going to be okay……I’m not gonna feel better and I’m not gonna be your prop so you can feel better” - Herb Kazaz, BoJack Horseman Ep. 8 Season 1 “The Telescope”

It has been five years since the last time I stepped foot inside my Psychiatrist's office and now looking back there's a part of me that screams I should have continued my therapy....but the thing is I really cannot afford it. And now, I have become messier than ever. My depression got worse and I'm just trying to survive each day. That's the keyword, trying. I used a lot of distractions though, good and bad. Good distractions are the music of my fave, iKON, and watching Miami Heat games. Bad distractions are spending an awful amount of time watching tiktoks of those who are as mentally ill as I am because instead of going to therapy we just rely on the internet to have some sense of belongingness especially when you feel like no one is really on your side. And I do feel that most of the time......I feel like no one truly understands and no one actually believes that I am struggling badly. I'm mentally unstable despite the fact that I do not have a proper diagnosis about my condition. I just know. Why? Because it's my mind and my body. I can feel it. For fuck's sake, I live with it.

What I noticed in our society is that it is easier to doubt someone who is vocal about their struggles instead of believing them and supporting them. It is easier for our society to gaslight someone into thinking that they are just allowing themselves to be weak instead of understanding them. And when someone decides to end their life, it's either people would finally get it and feel remorseful that they should have seen the signs or they would still say that the generation of today is just not mentally strong enough to handle life. And then there's another scenario, someone will be badly mentally fckd up that they end up being a horrible person then they will treat others horribly too. Hurt people will hurt people and so the cycle never ends.

As I mentioned earlier, I used a lot of distractions as I try to live each day. For someone like me who hates going outside and prefers to be alone, binge watching shows on streaming apps is a form of distraction. I’m not really picky when it comes to movies or series that I watch though, I just want the plot to make sense and not be over the top with so many plot twists and unnecessary “different” endings. One of the series I ended up loving is BoJack Horseman. 

BoJack Horseman is not an easy to watch show. Yes it started as a quirky show about a former lead star of a successful 90s sitcom but as it progressed, it showed the harsh reality of the entertainment industry and how not being held accountable for your fuckery can make you a monster. It's crazy because BoJack as the main character of this show is not likable at all (at least for me). Throughout the show you kinda cheer for him to get better and grow up but then he always ends up disappointing you. However, knowing his history, especially with the kind of family he has, you can't help but feel some empathy for him. I guess that's the thing about main characters, despite the flaws you still want them to become triumphant in the end because somehow you can see a version of yourself with them. But how long can a person tolerate one's behavior? I do not want to label myself as a good person because I know that I am far from that but there is a certain part of me that knows how to forgive especially if they are deserving. However, when someone refuses to be held accountable for their mistakes and refuses to see how toxic they are does it really make me the bad one here if I chose not to forgive?

The show has six seasons and 77 episodes but I did not feel that it was long because the execution of the episodes are great. There are a lot of episodes which make me feel uneasy about how close they hit home. But for this blog post I will be discussing two scenes from two different episodes because these two scenes are about the topics of accountability and forgiveness: The Telescopes from ep 8 of season 1 and It’s You from ep 10 of season 3. 

Have you ever met someone who is too full of himself? A person who obviously has issues in life but does not exert efforts in making himself become better and instead use their difficult past as an excuse for being a shitty person? A person who does not want to be held accountable for their mistakes and people around him tolerated him so he never learns? Well that’s my father. Also, that is who BoJack Horseman is. But if we are going to make this a competition about who is worse then my father is definitely winning this contest, unanimously. While watching the show, I cannot help but see parts of my father in BoJack Horseman especially in episodes “The Telescope” and “It’s You” Both of those episodes have confrontation scenes with a friend of BoJack (Herb in episode 8 season 1 and Todd in episode 10 season 3) who refused to accept his apology and want him to be held accountable for his actions. And I both agree with them.

For context, in the “The Telescopes” episode, Bojack apologized to his friend Herb for betraying him years ago. He chose to protect his career instead of standing with Herb. And he even further that betrayal when he did not contact him for so many years. Now that he learned that Herb has cancer, he decided to visit him and apologized and I like that Herb refused to accept such a self serving apology. The quote above was what Herb told BoJack after he apologized. I like the way he emphasized how BoJack is only apologizing now so he can have closure and to make himself feel better. Because horrible people do that. They will only apologize so that their guilt will not eat them up especially when their apology gets accepted. But the damage has been done, right? Just like what the famous saying states, the ax forgets but the tree remembers. What’s the point of accepting an apology if it does not make you feel better but will only make the jerk feel better coz “yey, finally!” their shitty actions were forgiven. Those kinds of apologies are self-serving. They ended up fighting and then Herb said this line (I really like this one, thank you writers!) “You know what your problem is? You wanna think of yourself as the good guy. Well I know you better than anyone and I can tell you that you’re not. In fact, you’d probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you’re a selfish goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants and doesn’t give a shit about who he hurts. That’s you. That’s BoJack Horseman” Now, that’s the kind of wake up call that someone like BoJack deserves to hear. He deserved those words because they are true, he’s a coward. He always blames others or the circumstances to make himself feel better instead of owning up to his mistakes. 

Another episode I mentioned here is the 10th episode from season 3 of the show and here is some context: Todd and BoJack had a confrontation. BoJack was mad that Todd did not want him to become a nominee for the Oscars and then Todd was mad that BoJack slept with Emily (the woman Todd dated). But honestly, I think it was really not the Emily thing that Todd was mad about but rather all the other things BoJack did, like when he sabotaged Todd’s opera, and they all piled up so Todd ended up bursting at that moment. BoJack said “I’m sorry, I screwed up” to which Todd replied with “You can’t keep doing this! You can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!” BoJack tried to reason out so Todd followed it up with “You are all the things that are wrong with you. It’s not the alcohol or the drugs or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid. It’s you” This is another “calling out” that BoJack deserves because he just keeps on doing shitty things and then feels bad about it for himself but does not actually do things to make things right. At some point, as a friend you will just get tired of someone like him. And while there’s an argument about what led to this confrontation with Todd is not something that Todd himself should be mad about, I saw that scene as a way of having Todd as the “representative” of all the other people that BoJack treated badly. In that scene, he was being called out for a lot of things he did not just related specifically to Todd.

So now we start the discussion about my father. Actually every time I typed the words “my father” I felt disgusted. I hate being associated with him. I hate the fact that we share the same DNA. I just hate him. And before the moral police come here and yell “But he is still your father!” please hear me out first. A child will not resent or hate their own parent if the said parent was not horrible. And that’s my main issue. My father was a horrible person to us. Actually an entire year is not enough for me to tell the entire story of how horrible he was and why he’s the reason my mother, my sister and I are all fcked in the head now. He treated us horribly but always gave the reason that he’s older so he knows better. He always used the “parent” card and always used the “I provided you food, I sent you to school….” monologue as a justification to his behavior. He’s the kind of person that should have never become a parent and a husband in the first place. He’s a hurt person and he ended up hurting others too - he hurt us. His decisions in life always end up with the rest of the family suffering the most. He had this mantra that since he had it difficult growing up, his children should also not have it easy in life. The latest shitty thing he did is getting a housing loan that he cannot afford just so he can brag to his mother. And when he experienced a difficult time getting employment, I ended up using my bonuses and even acquired a loan just so we can pay for this house because he promised to pay me back once he gets another contract again (he’s a seaman). But then he never did. He was aware of this. He was aware that employment in his career would wither as he aged but he did not care. He still continued with that loan despite objections from us; hell, that jerk was even mad that we were telling him not to buy a house. And fast forward to today, I have no savings and I have a loan too. You might be wondering where he is? Back in his hometown, chilling. He can even sleep peacefully at night while snoring while me, on the other hand, is more mentally fcked up than ever. As I mentioned earlier, he did a lot of shitty things to us but that housing loan was just the most recent. So the “calling out” scenes from BoJack Horseman were some of my favorites from the show because those are also the things I wanted to tell him. I just wish I had the courage to do so.

My relatives are very much aware of this situation but they always tell me to just forgive him; easy to say when you’re not the one directly affected by his actions. They even have the nerve to give me lectures about how important it is to forgive and it makes me a bad person for treating my father this way. But am I really the wrong one here? He’s not even sorry. For years, he will do shitty things to us. Sometimes he apologizes but sometimes he does not. But in all those scenarios, he’s not sorry. I do not feel any sincerity on his part at all. But why is it that despite the fact that I’m the one who was wronged here, he’s the one who has people on his side while I’m the one being labeled as the bad one? I am conflicted because I cannot forgive. For a long time now, I tried so hard to find it in myself to learn to forgive not just him but also all the other people who wronged me but I really cannot do it. I cannot do it because I’m a tree that remembers every hit of the ax while the ax is living comfortably. Why am I the one who cannot have peace of mind when I’m the victim? I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness for a long time but those confrontations from BoJack Horseman episodes are somewhat validating because it shows how I’m not the only one who cannot accept apologies. He’s not even genuinely sorry, so why would I extend the olive branch here?

X,

TinaMae

PS, There are a lot of things from BoJack Horseman that I would like to discuss and hopefully I find the time to write about them. The show is good, I highly recommend it!

[skullfacedog]

convinced my childhood wasn't that bad because I remember being a happy normal kid but then remembering the fact that I probably have trauma I repressed at a young age and I remember dissociating, being hypersexual without knowing what sex really was but feeling extremely guilty and shameful about it, and being depressed as a young teenager before all of my high school trauma happened, which I don't even really remember but wrote on a forum post at the time that I often felt empty/other things that are obvious symptoms of depression. I feel like the way my parents treated me as a kid wasn't THAT bad, like bad enough to cause me to be really depressed??? idk. I kind of just thought the depression didn't have a real reason. but I was also a kid with undiagnosed adhd and hyper-religious strict parents who spanked me and were pretty controlling. but I feel like they weren't REALLY bad until my teen years and on. them being controlling as a kid and treating me like a child didn't matter so much when I actually was a kid- it hurt worse when I grew older and their grip on me never loosened. I remember wanting to run away when I was 14. I remember believing as a kid that I was switched at birth or an alien because I was so different from my family and didn't connect with them as much as I felt I should. it's so confusing trying to distinguish between my cptsd symptoms from my helicopter parents and symptoms of repressed csa, especially because my parents drilled it into my head that sexual stuff = bad so what if my hypersexuality actually came from that somehow?? but does that even make sense?? idk. I would take remembering the awful shit that potentially happened to me over feeling like I'm going insane trying to figure out whether it happened or not. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop associating my childhood with bad feelings, and I'm scared that I'm doing it all for nothing, that I'm just gaslighting myself. and I'm scared that I'm going to keep believing it more and more until I'm proven otherwise but then I keep doubting myself and feeling guilty for believing it because what if I'm taking away from actual victims? what if I'm not allowed to speak on csa or refer to myself as a csa victim but I convinced myself I am? sometimes I wanna help out a friend and I wanna say "hey I'm a victim too" and give them a piece of advice or something but I'm scared to do that and be wrong but sometimes I'm so convinced in the moment that it is true and I tell people I am a victim of csa. but what if I'm just lying to myself because I feel gross for having been a hypersexual child and want to feel "sick enough" for people to give me attention? idk I feel like I'm just crazy :(