tinamaetales

[tinamaetales]

Heaven-seated, undefeated, highest of names

For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world but that the world through Him might be saved John 3:17

The name of a man that I have been familiar with ever since I was young is Jesus. He is a man with numerous titles: Prince of Peace, Son of God, Son of Man, Emmanuel, Messiah, Bridegroom, Bread of life, Good Shepherd, Lamb of God, True Vine, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Alpha and Omega, the Way, Truth and Life to name a few. I know Him and have heard His name almost all the time. From our house, neighborhood, school, market, grocery, mall, and of course, in churches, Jesus’ name is the name I heard about all the time; He is everywhere. I guess I have learned His name first before I even know the names of my parents or relatives or even my own full government name. Jesus’ name has been a part of my life ever since I was young although I gotta admit that hearing His name is not always because it is being used to praise Him but more of an expression by some. Nonetheless, Jesus has always been a man I am familiar with. As a kid who grew up in a dominantly Catholic society, my first encounter with Jesus is seeing the crucifixion in the Church. And then, I studied in Catholic schools so there is always one subject we are required to take that is dedicated to studying His teachings, especially the parables. As a kid, those stories were fun to me. Those stories are wholesome and filled with lessons. Then as I grew older and gained more life experiences, Jesus became not just a character from the book but someone whom I started forming a relationship with. I developed my faith. Then comes tragedy after tragedy in life that ended up with me running away from Him; like the prodigal son who left his father’s home because I simply know better. What was once a relationship with God through His son Jesus became just a memory from the past as I live my life on my own terms. And then, like the shepherd who left the 99 sheep to find the one lost sheep, Jesus found me at my lowest low. No, I did not find God in Church, He found me at home when my life has lost all its meaning and purpose. It’s as if I was rescued after years of living inside a cave. 

The last quarter of 2023 came with an unexpected plot twist as I discovered this show called “The Chosen” The show became a way for me to come home to God. Long story short, the show helped me find my way back to God and I even bought my own Bible as a Christmas gift to myself. I started my 2024 reading the Bible in a “chronological” order which is something I have never done before. Actually, I feel like I only ever read the New Testament and just know some stories from the Old Testament. Anyway, re-reading the New Testament feels different this time. For now I am reading it for the purpose of getting to know Jesus more instead of it being just a school requirement. The Jesus that I read here is the kind of Jesus that makes you feel at home instead of intimidated and scared. Jesus is truly the way, the truth and the life. I never imagined my relationship with God would ever be fixed if it were not for Jesus. It is through Him that I realized that no one is ever truly far from God or too damaged to be redeemed. After all, He came to this world to bring salvation. He showed us what a real relationship with God is.

The New Testament has 27 books and I would love to discuss all of them but for this blogpost alone, I will only focus on the four books of gospel. I will be sharing some of my reflection through 7 topics:

Fishers of Men (Matthew 4:19, Matthew 9:13, Mark 1:17, Luke 5:8, John 1:35-51)

One of the earliest images/photos of Jesus that I know of was the painting of The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci. In most FIlipino households, that painting is usually displayed at the dining table (up until now, I really do not know why). What makes this painting fascinating to me is the kind of people Jesus was dining with. The painting showed the artist’s own interpretation of the Last Supper which is a significant event in Jesus’s earthly ministry. I have noticed the 12 men or the apostles as they are called and it made me wonder why among all the humans on the planet, Jesus chose those 12 men. Another question I have is why did Jesus even have apostles when He is more than capable of doing things on His own? In schools, there is a ranking system in which the top students who have the highest grades get awards or recognitions. In pageants, there is top 15, top 10, top 3. In the Olympics, the best three athletes get awarded with gold, silver, and bronze. But with Jesus, his chosen 12 are not the best or the most popular among the lot . His chosen 12 were simple human beings - four of them are fishermen, one is a tax collector, and another one is a zealot. 

I raised two questions in the beginning of this topic, and I found the answer to the 2nd one while re-watching The Chosen: Of course, if God wanted to, Jesus can do it alone because He is the Son of God after all. But in choosing the 12 apostles, God is telling us that we are being invited to participate in His kingdom. This is a touching way of telling us that we all have a purpose and such is what I needed to hear especially in times when I feel empty and worthless. With Jesus choosing men from different walks of life is an assurance that everyone is welcome in the Kingdom of God. Come as you are, as the famous saying goes. However, deciding to follow Jesus does not stop there. Like what Jesus said, “Go and sin no more” When we come home to God, we must also surrender our old lives and take up the cross and follow Jesus. Just like how Peter, Andrew, James and John left their jobs as fishermen and followed Jesus. Or, the best example is Matthew the tax collector. He is already living well by having a secured job but when Jesus called him, he left that life behind and entered the life of discipleship. If we look at this in the perspective of today’s generation, it can be difficult to comprehend. But the apostles proved and gave meaning to the words surrender and faith. Those are the very words I also find difficult to live by. And I guess, I found my answer to the first question - God does not call the qualified, but He qualifies the called.

Physician, heal thyself 

In Matthew 11:2-6, John the Baptist sent his followers to Jesus to ask “Are you the One who is to come or should we wait for someone else?” in which Jesus replied with “Go tell John what you hear and see: the blind can see, the crippled can walk, the lepers are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised to life, and the poor have the gospel preached to them. And blessed is he who does not take offense at me” When Jesus was doing His earthly ministry, he had done many things, signs and miracles, which have shown that He is the Son of God. He is the “physician” who came to heal the sick. There were many signs and miracles stated in the New Testament but I will only be discussing some of them:

Calming the storm (Matthew 8:23-27)

This is one of my favorite Jesus miracles from the bible because it was short and simple but also direct in showing us that Jesus is both 100% human and 100% divine. Jesus was sleeping in the boat when they encountered a storm at the sea. The disciples were scared so they woke him up. Jesus told the storm to “be still” and nature obeyed Him. This short story showed how Jesus is truly the Son of God for even nature obeys Him. I saw myself in the disciples for I am like that most of the time - in constant fear and panic that I almost forgot  that I have Jesus in my life and if I only allow my faith to be bigger than my fears then I should always remember that my God can calm even the strongest storms.

2. Healing the bleeding woman (Mark 5:25-34)

This is one of the miracles that will always make me emotional because of how much I can relate to the woman who was healed. For someone who has always been sick since I was a child, it is tiring to always be in the hospital. The amount of tests I have to undergo and the amount of medicines I have to take, my body feels exhausted and my mental health is also affected. Being sick is not just physically exhausting but also emotionally and mentally draining. And in the midst of one's battle with illness, a small sign of hope can change you. Just like the woman who has been bleeding for years and immediately found hope when she heard about Jesus, my family, especially my mother, have held onto that hope in Jesus during my sick years. I lost count of the number of “miraculous” churches we have visited and the number of novenas we have prayed for just so I can be healed every time I was admitted to the hospital. The woman who bled for years had the faith that even by just touching Jesus’ cloak she will be healed and that kind of faith she has was so strong that when she reached out to touch the cloak of Jesus, she was instantly healed. Jesus acknowledged her faith as well “Daughter, your faith has made you well. Go in peace, and be healed of your affliction” (Mark 5:34). This story meant a lot to me because I experienced being hopeless and felt like there is no solution anymore but when I reached out my hand to God, despite me being too far from Him for many years, He answered me. I aspire to always have a strong faith like this woman. Truly, when we feel like we are hanging by a thread, we must make sure it is at the hem of His garment.

3. Ten Lepers (Luke 17:11-19)

This miracle of Jesus showed a lesson as well, this time about gratitude. There were ten lepers who begged for healing and when they were healed, only one came back and thanked Jesus. This showed us that most of the time, the prayer of asking is louder than the prayer of thanksgiving. 

I have lost count of the number of times I asked God to have mercy on me. There are times when my prayers are answered with a “no” which often made me feel bad but there are more times when I received a “yes” to my prayers and I remember how I do not always thank God for it. The thing about me is I am often ungrateful. It is just so hard to be grateful when I feel like I am not getting what I truly deserve so coming across this miracle of Jesus was a great reminder to me to always be grateful. I aspire to be like the Samaritan who took the time to come back to Jesus to thank Him. I hope that in every obstacle I overcome, I am reminded that it was not me but it was through His grace that I came through.

4. Centurion’s Servant (Matthew 8:5-13)

In catholic mass, we often utter the words from Matthew 8:8 “Lord, I am not worthy that you should come under my roof, but only say the word and my servant will be healed” before communion. I resonate a lot with the words “I am not worthy” because just like the centurion, I felt like that most of the time. In fact, one of the reasons why it took me so long to come home to God is because I felt so unworthy of Him. I have done a lot of things that make me feel like I am in no way deserving of God’s grace and mercy but then, who am I to say that? Who am I to decide that? I feel like my pride is the one that holds me back from fixing my relationship with God so the story of the centurion is a great realization for me to act with humility and recognize that God knows what is best. Another thing I admire is the centurion’s faith in believing that even if Jesus is not in his house, he can still heal the servant. Thus, “Only say the word” I aspire to have that kind of faith.

5. Jesus drives out demon (Mark 9:14-29)

Jesus, during His earthly ministry, has casted out demons a lot of times but the one I will be discussing in this blog post is when He casted out the demon from a young boy. Jesus’ ability of casting out demons is a strong indication that He is truly the son of God. Jesus casting out demons just shows that the good will always defeat evil. Another reason why I specifically included this is the verse Mark 9:24 when the boy’s father said “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief” I relate to those words because there are times when I find myself doubting God specially in my most difficult moments. I often find myself telling/begging God to end my misery if He can. I mean, I do believe in Him, I believe that He exists and is real but sometimes I lack the faith to fully trust Him because life is just too much for me to handle. Believing is different from being faithful for the latter includes surrendering and fully allowing and trusting God that He is in control. I often find myself in conflict with my faith in God but through Jesus I am slowly learning how to overcome my unbelief and may He continue to help me work on it.

6. Paralytic from the roof (Luke 5:17-26)

This is one of the famous stories of Jesus healing because this is when He said “Your sins are forgiven” which establishes His authority to forgive sins. While this story’s focus is on Jesus forgiving the paralytic and healing him, it is also important to see how this story presented two different sets of people, the Pharisees and the friends of the paralytic. These two groups are an interesting point of discussion for they present the different views of people when it comes to Jesus, the critics and the believers. The Pharisees came to Jesus with closed hearts and are just waiting for a single move or word that they can accuse of Him while the friends of the paralytic went to Jesus with the faith that He can cure their friend. It would be such a blessing to have people in your life who will pray for you and want you to get closer to God like the friends of the paralytic.

7. Raising Lazarus (John 11:1-45)

For me, out of all the miracles Jesus has done to show His love, mercy and grace to humans, the most grand of it all is the raising of Lazarus from the dead. While it was not the first time and also not the only time He brought back life to the dead, the whole of John 11:1-45 has presented us more than the miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead. It was told that when Lazarus was severely ill, his sisters sent word to Jesus to inform Him of the situation but instead of immediately going to Bethany to heal Lazarus, he stayed where He was and waited. He came to Bethany four days later when Lazarus was already dead. Despite their grief, both Martha and Mary remained faithful and instead told Jesus that if He was there, Lazarus would have been healed. Although they are hurting, they remained strong in their faith and Jesus grieved with them. That situation showed that sometimes God allows us to experience pain and loss but He is there for us. Sometimes, it is difficult to understand why we need to experience heartbreak. I personally have my moments of getting angry at God for not intervening and just allowing the world to make me suffer. It is difficult to remain with God when you feel like you lost everything, including Him. I often forget that even in pain, God is there. Just like how Jesus grieved with and provided comfort to Martha and Mary, He is also hurting and grieving with me. Sometimes, these heartbreaks happen because God has bigger plans. For Martha and Mary, Jesus showed that resurrection is the gift that can only come from Him. He is the life that overcomes death. In John 11:25-26, Jesus tells us that physical death is of this world but being with Christ means that not even death can defeat us for He has conquered it.

Loaves and Fishes (Matthew 14:13-21, Mark 6:31-44, Luke 9:12-17, John 6:1-14)

One of the things in life that always puts me on the edge is not having assurance. I hate not knowing if a certain thing is possible. I hate being unprepared. There were countless times when I experienced being in the dead end and it always sent me to a downward spiral. Everytime I feel “cornered” by challenges, I often find myself asking this question “Have I not had enough?” But looking at it now, I realize that in all those moments of hopelessness or dead end, somehow I always manage to survive; it was as if God always provides, God always saves me. I remember the times when my salary was not enough for us to survive the month, then all of a sudden, a certain incentive was given to us. Or the time when we really need money for my sister’s school requirements then suddenly a generous relative would send money. Or the time I was so hungry but the money I have is only enough for my transportation fare and then a supervisor would randomly treat the entire office to dinner. The most recent one was when my sister and I were feeling down that we cannot attend our favorite band’s concert because we cannot afford the tickets. The day before the concert we ended up winning two VIP tickets. In the moments when I felt like the game was over, God came in clutch and saved/won the game for me. Those moments reminded me of the miracle Jesus performed which was said to be one of the only two miracles to be recorded in all four books of the gospel - The feeding of the 5,000. With only five loaves of bread and two fish, Jesus was able to feed 5,000. This miracle showed that God will always provide no matter the circumstances or the resources. But the story did not only show us that God can do the impossible thing but also showed us the humanity in His apostles, specifically Philip and Andrew. His apostles just came back from their own mission in which they were given authority to do the things Jesus can do such as healing the sick and casting out demons and yet here they are doubting the situation. When Jesus told them to not send the people away and instead feed them, Philip replied “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite” and when Andrew found a boy who offered five barley loaves and two fish he said “But how far will they go among so many?” Those two apostles' worries represent me everytime I face difficulties. Most of the time it is difficult to just leave everything in God’s hands because the human in me finds it hard to understand how one can get out of rock bottom without a solid plan. And I guess that is where I was wrong; I was looking at the situation based on the available or the limited resources I have instead of putting my faith in God and knowing that if I leave it to Him, then He will deliver. Believing in God is one thing and having faith in God is another.

Ears to Hear 

Jesus has said the phrase “He who has ears to hear, let him hear” more than once in the Bible. It was usually said after he told a parable (Parable of the sower) and at first I thought it only meant “those who want to hear something will listen” but I guess it was more than that. The purpose of Jesus’ parables is to provide understanding to those who are willing to be with Him. The parables are a creative way of informing us about God’s kingdom as well as teaching us important life lessons so those who have “ears to hear” will hear God’s words or in short, those who are willing to accept Jesus as the messiah can listen to the parables and understand the message while those who have not accepted Him, cannot seek the truth as these parables will be too difficult to comprehend. When I was in elementary and studying in a Catholic school, I always looked forward to our “parable of the week” discussion because I love how Jesus tells analogy through these stories and it helped me become interested in knowing Him more.  So as I was re-introducing myself to Jesus, these parables also reminded me of the past when I was so invested in knowing Jesus. These parables were a reminder that I was once a little girl who loved Jesus and trusts Him a lot. I just find it a bit saddening that right now I was far from that little girl because of the things I have experienced in my life which left me broken and traumatized. I hope that this era of rediscovering God will be a fruitful one because I do not want to be far from God again. 

I loved all the parables but I will only be discussing some of them:

Workers in the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16)

When I first encountered this parable, my initial reaction was that the owner was unfair that he paid all workers the same wage when they did not work the same amount of hours. But then, I also realized that the workers themselves agreed to the wages. What this parable showed us is God’s mercy is available to all, His love and grace is inclusive; everyone is provided the opportunity to become part of His kingdom regardless of their past which reminded me of what Jesus said that there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents (Luke 15:10) and also when Jesus showed mercy to the repentant thief at the cross. It is easy for us to judge others, especially those with “dirty” pasts when they suddenly became “one of us.” But then, who are we to gatekeep Jesus? Who are we to decide who we want in our Church? Who are we to act unwelcoming of others? Everyone can be given mercy and forgiveness regardless of who they are or used to be because God’s love is abundant and His grace is available to all.

2. Good Samaritan (Luke 10:30-37)

The commandment “Love your neighbor as yourself” was a difficult one but Jesus always shows us that it can be done. As a flawed human, it is difficult to actually love my fellow humans because some people are just so difficult to deal with. I guess I’m not the only one who feels some kind of indifference towards others. Ngl, I’m a bit judgy. It’s just that it is hard to be accepting or welcoming of people who are different from you. But Jesus taught us a valuable lesson through this parable. The other people who passed by the injured man could have helped but they did not. It was only when a Samaritan passed by that the man received help. The Samaritan did not only help him with his wounds but also went the extra mile of ensuring that he had a place to stay while recovering; the Samaritan paid for the man’s lodging and even informed the innkeeper that he will pay for any extra cost once he returned. It was not the Samaritan’s duty to help the injured man, but he was compassionate enough to do so. This parable showed us that as children of God, we must aspire to be like Jesus whose love, mercy, grace and compassion is extended to all and that every person we encounter is our neighbor. The parable showed us that our prejudice towards our neighbors are making us divided which in turn makes us dismissive. We should all learn how to move past the differences and remember that we are all the same despite the differences in background, appearance, financial status, or residence. We should not be selective in showing compassion and help.

3. Counting the Cost (Luke 14:28-33)

I know I am not the only Christian who struggle with understanding what Jesus said in Matthew 16:24 when He said “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” After the life changing “coming home to God” I experienced in late 2023, I was faced with the question “What does it take to become a disciple?” and Jesus has an answer to that but it was my own mind who cannot fully comprehend what it means to take up the cross; I don’t know if I’m just not smart enough to easily understand things or it was my pride. I guess I got it wrong before, choosing to walk with Jesus does not mean you will only experience good things. Actually, I feel like the more I try to work on being closer to God, the stronger the evil forces I am dealing with because my 2024 is filled with so many challenges. But just like what Jesus said in this parable, when you intend to do something you must count the cost first. If I really want to make this relationship with God work, I should be more determined in listening and following God’s words and fully understand what it means to be a follower of Jesus. In short, surrender. If being with God means giving up the earthly desires, the desires which lead me to sins, then it means I finally understood His message. The cost of following Jesus means to fully surrender and put all of your faith in Him. 

4. New Cloth and wineskin (Mark 2:21-22)

There are two points made from this short parable - first, Jesus’ new way is the right way and second, Jesus established a new covenant. This parable showed a simple analogy  - you cannot put a new fabric as a way to patch up or fix an old cloth the same way that you cannot use an old wineskin when storing new wine for it will lead to ruin. It was a great analogy to inform us that the old practices or rituals can be left behind in the past for the new covenant has arrived through Jesus. Jesus emphasized that the grace of God is extended to everyone because God is graceful and merciful not because people are religiously practicing rituals. Because Jesus was sent to free us from sin, the Son of Man removed the curtain that separates God and humanity. Therefore, our focus should not be on the perfect practices of various rituals but in living a life that focuses on mercy and compassion. I relate this to the message of Jesus in Matthew 23:23 during His woes to the pharisees, which emphasizes that it is useless to religiously follow rituals when the heart is full of greed.

5. Persistent widow and crooked judge (Luke 18:2-8)

This is one of my favorite parables because Jesus’ analogy of the persistent widow’s actions with the importance of consistent prayer is simple yet effective. Often when I pray and feel like God is not responding, I tend to lose faith and just abandon what I was praying for. It was difficult for me to understand God’s timing because I was so used to living in a world filled with due dates and deadlines. It was so easy for me to make everything have a timeline. But this parable is a reminder to us about the importance of prayer and how God listens to us and He answers us - although sometimes not in the way we want Him to. The crooked judge in the parable only gave in to the widow’s request so that he cannot be bothered anymore but Jesus reminded us in Luke 18:7-8, “And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” I hope I can learn to fully trust God with my life and learn how to pray with faith - not just pray when I have time to spare.

6. Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Luke 18:10-14)

This parable is a great reminder of humility. Comparison, sometimes, is the reason why a person is either miserable or too full of themselves. One of the reasons why I stay away from the Church are the fellow church goers who feel as if they are above everyone else. It sucks being judged by those people because in a way you will feel unworthy of God because you are not like them. Tbh, those overly religious people have turned more people away from God instead of welcoming them to the church (yes, it is my religious trauma speaking). Last year, I found myself in the same position as the tax collector. I found myself being ashamed of who I am and yet I prayed to God. It was a small step but I found myself approaching God and asking for His mercy and did not bring up or dare to compare myself to others - it was just about how sorry I was for being away for so long. It was not an easy road and I still find myself a bit conflicted as I walk with God, but the fact that I found the guts to come back is just proof that God’s grace is abundant as He extended it to me.

7. Rich man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31)

I often find myself questioning God why I seem to be living a life of punishment yet people who are more horrible than me seem to be living a good life. Why are those people living comfortably? Why am I struggling to get by when I committed no crime? Those are my usual questions. But then, there comes this parable which became a reminder that earthly riches, at the end of the day, do not matter to God. It is not about the amount of money you made or the amount of properties you owned or the amount of awards you achieved that matters to God but how you lived your life and what is in your heart. If you spend your life in riches but have not done anything to help the needy and lived a Godly life, then what’s the point? This parable made me remember the verse Mark 8:36 “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” Truly, when death comes to us, we cannot bring all the riches of the world. Eternal life is only found in God.

Woe to you, Pharisees (Matthew 23)

I came across this statement while browsing through social media that says “If the Jesus you have met has not changed your life, you have not met Jesus you met religion” and it is crazy how I agreed to that. One of the reasons why I walked away from God aside from my personal struggles are the religious people. I find it ironic that these people are the ones who end up driving people away from God and the Church when they are supposed to bring people closer to God. These overly-religious people who love to see everyone’s fault but cannot see their own have driven more people away from God. It is crazy how Jesus called out the religious leaders during His time on Earth yet these so-called followers of Him in the present are doing the very same things. I, myself, have experienced interacting with these “religious people” and they can get really annoying to deal with. Most of them are my relatives by the way. It was exhausting having to deal with these people, it felt like torment. There are even cases when they decide to kick people out of the Church because of disagreements which are contradictory to what Jesus has preached. If Jesus welcomed the sick and the sinners then why are these so called christians have become more known for their hate instead of love? Hence, the saying “there is no love like Christian hate”

As I was watching The Chosen (sorry, but I will always mention this show), I came across this episode from season 4 in which Jesus confronted the pharisees; the scene was their on-screen adaptation of Matthew chapter 23 or the 7 woes of Jesus. I was unfamiliar  with this event so after I watched the episode, I opened my bible and read it. This ended up being one of my favorite Jesus moments because it showed that standing up to the oppressive rule or to the authorities is something that we should not avoid especially when they are doing too much wrong. Jesus calling them blind guides was meant as a wake up call for them to realize that they are not truly doing God’s works. These same people cannot practice what they preach because they are more concerned about traditions, appearances, tithes and other earthly things while totally neglecting the more important things like justice, mercy, faithfulness and compassion. They have become exclusive instead of inclusive; instead of drawing people closer to God, they are the first ones to close the doors. Jesus was sent to this world to save it so He showed what a real relationship with God is all about and not what religion should be. I just find it disheartening that centuries later, these “christians” are very focused on “religious practices” while allowing their hearts to be filled with hate. How can one claim to be a Christian and fail to practice what Jesus has preached?

Jesus wept (John 11:35)

John 11:35 is the shortest verse in the bible but it is the most comforting verse for me. This verse became a source of comfort because it gave me an assurance that in my times of pain and anguish, God understood because Jesus knew the feeling of it. For someone who was used to bottling up emotions, crying has always been something I try so hard to avoid. I hate it when tears stream down my face so I learned pretty early in life to hold it in and I lived like that for years. I just do not want to confirm that I am weak hence the reluctance to cry. But coming across this verse, and knowing the context, I found a different kind of comfort. If Jesus himself who is 100% God and 100% human acknowledged grief and pain, then I should also allow myself to acknowledge my feelings. With every tear that streams down my face and every pain in the chest that I feel, it is comforting to know that Jesus understands. I also like to correlate this verse with another bible verse that I find so much comfort in which is Matthew 11:28 which says “Come to me you weary and heavy-ladened and I will give you rest”

The bread of life (John 6:35)

Jesus has said “I am” statements 7 times in the bible and one of the statements which became “controversial” is when He said in John 6:35 “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty” for it was a strong statement that He is essential and the skeptical people of His time cannot accept it. It was also stated that after His declaration of being the bread of life, many of His disciples have left. If we take this statement literally, then we will really find it difficult to understand what Jesus meant in John 6:53-56 “Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them.” because that is not what Jesus meant. What he meant was unless we surrender our life to Him and let go of the earthly desires we have, then we will never be close to God. We often have this assumption that being religious means God will always reward us but that is not the case because after all, the kingdom of God is not of this world. I gotta admit I was also guilty of that assumption before. I thought that once you became a part of the church, then you start receiving abundance of blessings and miracles or in short, I made my relationship with God to be “transactional” I described it as transactional because before I made it seem like if I pray a lot or if I always attend mass then God will bless me but that is not the case. I was expecting my relationship with God to be filled with earthly things because I thought that is how it should work so it was not a surprise when I encountered a lot of heart breaks and challenges that I ended up turning away from Him. I had the nerve to get mad and tell God the words “after all the prayers I did and mass I attended, this is how you repay me?” and that was so wrong of me to do. You see, I had it all wrong before so I ran away from God like the prodigal son. But it was God’s mercy and grace that brought me back and it was through His only begotten son Jesus. The way I came home to God in late 2023 is a testament of how Jesus is truly the bread of life. My life felt so meaningless and dark during those times that I was far from God but when Jesus found me at my lowest moment, I felt alive. Now, I am slowly relearning what it means to be a follower of Christ. It was difficult at first but in fully surrendering and opening my heart to the words and teachings of Jesus, I find it to be a meaningful journey. I do not want to be ever separated from Jesus again. He is the only Way to God.

As I mentioned before, the New Testament is not foreign to me unlike the Old Testament but re-reading it now that I am older and have more experience in life (both good and bad alike), I find myself being surprised at how I got some things wrong before. It was one thing to be “faithful” to God when things in your life are doing well but it was a different kind of being “faithful” to God when things are going downward spiral and I realized and understand it now. The true meaning of faith is holding on to God’s promises and remaining in Him despite being thrown in the middle of the storm and Jesus has shown me that through Him, I can handle anything that life throws at me. Jesus is truly the Son of God who was sent to this world to save us. He has shown us signs and miracles as a way of showing us that God’s grace and mercy is available to all, He has invited us to be a part of His ministry, He has told us valuable life lessons through His parables, He has shown us what a real relationship with God should be, and He has acknowledged our pain and grieved with us. I cannot imagine life without Jesus. I hope that as a follower of Jesus, I can be an instrument of showing others that God’s mercy and grace is available to all and we are all welcome in His kingdom. I hope I can be the kind of Christian that can bring more people to God instead of pushing them away. I hope that my faith in God will always be strong. And I hope that this time I finally know what it means to fully surrender and put all my trust in Him.

X,

TinaMae

PS, it took me so long to finish writing this because I have a lot of things going on in my life. This will not be the last time I will be sharing about my thoughts on the bible. I will keep on re-reading the bible and if I have the time to write, I will share my thoughts about them. I hope I can write various articles here like discussion of the books of wisdom and the letters of Paul. 

[tinamaetales]

I just....love the idea of Peter walking on water being about grief and faith. It's such a beautiful take.

Because when you experience grief you are yelling about how much faith you have, screaming with rage about it because how could this happen when you have been so faithful?

And then you see the darkness and the sadness and the pain, just like how Peter saw the waves and the wind, and you cry out for the Lord because you're scared he's not there

Andd just when you think you're going to drown, He is there and has been all along and you never want to let go.

[tinamaetales]

The Hurt Men

“Mother looking at me, tell me what do you see? Yes, I've lost my mind. Daddy looking at me, will I ever be free? Have I crossed the line?” - t.A.Tu. , All the things She said

Traumatized people deal with their trauma differently. Some choose to heal, while others choose to pass it on. But there are some "unique" cases when victims snap and do something that once the rage is over, they can never take it back - the kind of thing they cannot undo. And that's how I ended up having a blog post about the Menendez brothers whose fate ends up being a public spectacle and whose trauma can only be understood by those who were either traumatized themselves or those with empathy for victims of abuse. After I learned about their story, I cannot help but feel hurt for them. I do not know them personally but what they have been through is not foreign to me. I know there are already a lot of opinions and discussions about them online due to the resurgence of interest in their case but let me just add my point of view on this - the point of view of another victim whose story was also doubted.

It is embarrassing to admit that my introduction with the Menendez brothers was that netflix series that I now know is filled with inaccuracies. The actors did a great job, ngl, but the storyline itself is the problem. If someone who has no interest in knowing more about them would only watch the netflix series or if someone who is gullible, they would think that it was an accurate portrayal of the Menendez story. I felt uncomfortable halfway through watching the show so I did my own research and watched documentaries and even watched the real trial videos and I realized that the brothers are truly victims themselves. I am in no way justifying that murder is okay. Yes, what the brothers did to their parents was wrong. There is no argument with that but they do not deserve to be given life sentences without parole when they never receive justice for what was done to them. We can all argue about the other ways they could have handled the situation but there is just one thing that I would like to point out here: for all the other crimes we can find a reason but not and will never be for rape. Yes, we can find a reason as to why people commit other crimes. Someone committed fraud and stole lots of money? It was poverty. Someone is staying in a country undocumented? It was desperation and poverty. But with rape? What is the fcking reason for that? Lust? Even animals can control themselves and humans are above animals. Looking at the childhood photos of the Menendez brothers and learning about how their father started sexually abusing them as early as the age of 6 made me feel so angry. How on earth can he do that to those children? It was so sick and so evil!

Whenever cases of sexual abuse come to light, the ones people tend to question more (and even harassed) were the victims. Almost all the time, victims will get asked with "Why did you only speak up now?" It was as if what happened was the victim's fault and not reporting immediately automatically means the victim should be doubted. Is our world really sick that way? What I noticed with cases like these is the responsibility always falls on the victims. It's either, "maybe it was what you were wearing" or "maybe you liked it" or "you should have said no" to the victims and never "why did you do it?" "How could you do it?" "What the hell is wrong with you?" to the rapists. And we all wonder why some victims choose to stay silent, right? No one in their right mind would accuse someone of something as heavy as rape when the burden of shame lies on them and not on the rapist so I do not understand why victims are always doubted and even villainized. But of course, this is not only limited to SAs. There are also victims of physical, verbal and emotional abuse who are afraid to speak up because they know that most of the time the public's sympathy yearns towards the abuser. I remember how a rape case ended up with the rapist sentenced to 3 years imprisonment (not even a fucking decade in prison for rape, wth!) just because the judge argued that the rapist was a promising athlete and it would be such a waste of life....but what about the victim who is living with trauma for basically the rest of her life? Why is it that when it comes to rape cases, the victims get the most difficult time getting justice?

"Why did you only speak up now?"

That was the question most rape victims have to deal with when they finally decide to tell what happened to them. Lyle and Erik obviously have to deal with the same question too since their abuse comes to light during the trial. People doubted them saying that if they were really abused then why are they only speaking up during the trial and coincidentally as part of their defense. Such questions will be followed up by the victims having to prove that what happened to them was true. The victims will have no choice but to relive the traumatic events by narrating it. For the case of the brothers, not only do they have to narrate their trauma but they also have the rest of the world watching them and judging them as they do so. I cannot imagine the mental and emotional challenge they were facing as they relived the abuse while all eyes are on them and a slight change in tone, or a single misused word, or a simple change in facial expression would end up for their testimony to be doubted. This is the very reason why some victims choose to take their abuse story with them to the grave because of the shame, judgment, and humiliation they have to face.

"Maybe you liked it"

For the victims of sexual abuse whose abuse went on for years, they would encounter the judgmental words like “maybe you liked it” because that is just how society works right? The expectation is that when you did not fight back instantly and allowed yourself to be abused repeatedly then maybe “you liked it” Apparently, not having the courage to fight back and end the abuse automatically diminish the guilt of the abuser, such a sick and disgusting narrative! For Lyle and Erik, it was easy for people to judge them and tell them that they should have just run away but how could they do that if they fear their parents? Most abuse victims have the same situation of not having the guts to tell someone and just run away not because they “liked it” but because of fear. Another thing, their abuse started when they were very young so they were groomed to feel as if what was happening was normal. Sometimes, it would even take years for victims of abuse to realize they are being abused. And what comes along with the realizations is the decision to just keep it a secret forever. 

Lyle and Erik killed their parents, that's the truth. But what is also true is Lyle and Erik were both sexually abused by their father which started at the early age of six. While Lyle's abuse eventually stopped, Erik's abuse continued. And for victims like Erik, it felt like there was no way out of the hell his own father puts him through. When he confided to his older brother, Lyle, about this and eventually learned that Lyle was abused too, do people really think that the brothers just pat each other's back and said "Omg bro, same!" no they did not. And by the kind of father they have, of course they fear for their lives. Imagine having to live in constant fear of your abuser, who btw, you share the same roof with - it was torture, of course. Like I said, I am not defending that what they did was right. But when they end up killing their parents, it was not a sane decision but a trauma response. A sane person would not just grab a shotgun and start firing at their parents but a traumatized person could and would especially if they think that it is their only way out.

“Mother looking at me, tell me what do you see? Yes, I've lost my mind.”

One of the arguments for the Menendez brothers’ case is if what they had done was imperfect self defense and not because of money then why did they include their mother. If one would only look at this case on a surface level the conclusion they will come up with might be “ok, if the abuse was real, why include the mom?” Because the mother was involved with the abuse too, that is the answer. She knew what was happening and yet she did nothing. In fact, she even abused her sons. Although the netflix series is not 100% accurate in telling the Menendez case, this line from Atty. Leslie Abramson pretty much sums up what we should feel about their mother: “But for her to have known and to not have intervened…there were a lot of avenues that she could have taken there, okay? Where she could have gone to the authorities, where she could have said ‘No, not my sons. You will not abuse my sons’ Right? And that’s a pretty low bar, okay?And she didn’t do that. Not because of you but because of her. Yes, you can love her, yes you can sympathize with her….but you deserved better” For me, those who have known about the abuse but remained silent are just as guilty as the abusers specifically when, unlike the victims, you have the power to actually do something about the situation. What kind of a mother are you to know about the abuse happening to your own children and then turning a blind eye and eventually joining the abuse? It’s absolutely appalling. 

“Daddy looking at me, will I ever be free? Have I crossed the line?”

All I can feel for their father is fury and disgust, not even a tiny bit of sympathy for him. He deserved what happened to him, every single bullet. In fact, I even feel that he got it easy. Yes he was shot 16 times or maybe more but at least he’s dead. He died easily. His sons, on the other hand, have lived their entire lives traumatized because of what he did and are now living their lives in prison because of what he made them do. While the netflix series was titled as Monsters: the Lyle and Erik Menendez story, the real monster in this case is Jose Menendez. There is just simply no explanation with what he had done. How can you do that to those children? Not just two young boys but his own children? Why did he do that? How could he do that? There is no punishment fitting enough for rapists like him. His fate is nothing compared to the kind of hell he put his sons through. He is a monster and I hope that hell is real and he is at the lowest part of it and is feeling the most excruciating pain imaginable for eternity.

While writing this blog post, I was reminded of these certain lyrics from the song “Dollhouse” by Melanie Martinez, the first one: “No one ever listens. This wallpaper glistens. One day they'll see what goes down in the kitchen” and the second one: “Everyone thinks that we're perfect. Please don't let them look through the curtains. Picture, picture, smile for the picture” because those lyrics seem to perfectly describe the Menendez family. They appeared to be a normal rich family but the secrets they have are so horrific so I fully understand why the brothers decided to keep their abuse a secret for so many years. At the end of the day, no family is truly perfect. Just because they are rich does not mean that the children never experienced sexual abuse. Sometimes, those who appear to be perfect are the ones who have been concealing dirt.

Writing this blog post does not mean I am justifying the way the brothers killed their parents or I am trying to erase the fact that the crime happened. There was a crime and it was manslaughter. The crime happened because the brothers felt like there was no other way out. We all say that victims deserve support but that support diminishes when their trauma response is not what society expects them to do. They already did their time for their crime, it’s time to set them free. 

To Lyle and Erik, I believe you.

X,

TinaMae

PS, I was at the height of my emotions while writing this blog post because I just feel so much sympathy and empathy for victims of abuse. As an abuse victim myself, I know the feeling of wanting to be heard and believed. So if anyone who reads this needs a safe space, you can message me. I know I am just a random stranger online but please know that I understand and I will not judge you. 

[tinamaetales]

They never fcking loved us

“It doesn’t get better, it doesn’t get easier. I can’t keep lying to myself, saying “I’m gonna change” I’m poison I come from poison. I have poison inside me and I destroy everything I touch. That’s my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I’ve lived, and I have nobody in my life who’s better off for having known me” - BoJack Horseman, Season 3 Episode 12

My family is filled with hypocrites. It took me years to realize how bad my family is, both sides actually, until I got to know more people and hear their stories and eventually concluded that dysfunction is not a common trait of a family. While listening to other people’s stories, I realized that not everyone was raised in a chaotic household. But an even bigger realization of mine is that I never asked for perfection in my family, just a life free from dysfunction. 

Starting this blog post with the sentence “my family is filled with hypocrites” seems a bit harsh but it’s the truth. The truth, most of the time, is ugly and painful and that is what I want to discuss in this blog post which I would like to call a “short trauma dump essay” So here is the ugly truth, my family is filled with hypocrites and my biggest fear in life is to inherit dysfunction and pass it on. Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I never really like what I see. Aside from my physical features, I really do not like who I am on the inside. I hate the fact that I share the same DNA as my toxic and abusive father. I hate the fact that I came from a catholic family who is always present in Church events but are also the biggest haters of this world. My family are the first to drop various bible verses as an advice or warning and yet they themselves cannot practice what they preach. It seems as if I belong to a family that is all for show. A family that is obsessed with portraying a certain kind of image to the public to hide the rotten and stink. And I am getting really tired of this. I refuse to suffer the same fate as my mother.

Everytime I browse through family albums, I cannot help but wonder how on God’s beautiful earth did my family come to be? When others would look at those photos they might have the assumption that we are a normal functioning family. We get to celebrate birthdays, christmas, new year, and other usual things a typical Filipino family would celebrate thus, those photos looking festive or joyous. But that’s not what I see. What I see are a bunch of pretentious people who are hiding their filth from the world. We may look normal on those occasions when, most of the time, other people are invited like friends, neighbors, and workmates, but that’s the thing about my family: we are all just a bunch of pretenders. My father loves to show off. He was always loud and proud every time there’s an occasion and he got to drink with the entire neighborhood. He loves to tell stories about how he sacrificed being far away from his family so he can earn more money by working as a seaman. Of course, the typical sentimental ass sht FIlipinos would buy that story and would think that he is this great father and husband but he is not. The only people on this earth who have the right to tell whether he was a good husband and father are my mother, my sister, and I. We all could say that he is way too far from that good person he is portraying. My father is a fucking monster. He is the kind of person that should have never been a husband and a father in the first place. Having someone like him to become someone’s father or husband is something that I would never wish for anyone, even on my own enemies. Being in the same house as him was so suffocating. It felt like I was living in hell. Everytime he comes back when his contract ends is the start of our fucking nightmare. I can never have a peace of mind being under the same roof as this misogynistic, abusive, and narcissistic asshole. In fact, I became very scared of talking to men because of him. Whenever he is around, we cannot eat properly. It is too hard to digest food as he seems to count every chew. He counts every single thing he does and buys for us. Even complained how expensive education is. But that asshole has no problem funding the drinks for the neighborhood’s weekly inuman session. He has no problem giving money to all his useless relatives in the province. Even complains of having to pay for my hospital bills every time I get sick but he is the bloody reason why I became sick in the first place. But the funny thing about this asshole is that he is so fucking religious. He would “kneel-walk” from the entrance of the church up to the altar while praying. As I mentioned earlier, I came from a family that is all for show. And this guy is the fucking leader of it. I will forever mourn the life that could’ve been for my mother. I feel so heartbroken for her. I cannot make sense as to how a beautiful and smart woman like her ended up with such a horrible person like my father.

The thing about people like my father is that they are the ones that have the image of a good person because they were just so good at marketing themselves as such. So now that I learned how to fight back, I was branded as the bad one. I think it was in 2020 when I finally confronted my father because I wanted him to actually do something in solving all the problems he created and it ended badly. He is the kind of person who would scream at you and would break things when he is mad even though everything is his fault so one could only imagine how that argument went. He threatened to punch me and even attempted to throw a glass bottle at my sister and yet the story he told our relatives (my mother’s sisters) was that he was the victim. So obviously, the story was about how rude and evil we are towards him. My aunts will not believe us, did not even bother hearing our side of the story. One of our aunts even sent a message to my sister saying that she was disappointed in us because she thought we were good kids. She immediately jumped into the conclusion that we were the bad ones here. But then, what do I expect from someone so religious and so hateful? Why is it that these overly religious people always find it difficult to believe that fathers do not deserve any amount of respect if they are abusive? They always throw that one commandment, “Honor your father and your mother” every time a child would stand up against abuse. Bunch of hypocrites. 

All my life I fought so hard into ensuring that I do not become the very monster that is my father. I refuse to let the environment I grew up in to shape me because if I allowed it then I will just continue the cycle. But life really does have its way, huh? I told myself after I got my College diploma that I will make up for all the losses I experienced growing up (babawi ako sa sarili ko) and yet even dreaming about that became a luxury I could not afford. My father fcked things up again so I ended up becoming the sole breadwinner of the family while paying off debts. There are moments that I will just snap and say mean words because I was so tired of the way my life has become. It made me realize that I might actually inherit his temper and that alone scared the shit out of me. The quote I put above is from BoJack Horseman and I felt chills the first time I heard those words when I was watching the show. When he said, “I’m poison. I come from poison. I have poison inside me and I destroy everything I touch” it scared me because like him, I came from poison too. I feel like no matter how hard I try to escape dysfunction, I can never really run away from it because I came from it and it was my “normal” so one way or another, I will always become the dysfunction that I was born into. I simply have no idea how to become a “normal functioning” human being because I never really knew what it was like growing up. My own family never knew what life outside of dysfunction is. 

When I started writing this article, I felt anger all over my body. I am just so mad at the kind of life I have lived. Reminiscing about my years growing up, especially the times we spent living in the same roof as my father, is a scary road to travel with. It is very triggering and painful to look back but it is also painful to think about the present because nothing much has changed. Now, my family is more divided than ever. My sister and I were branded as the black sheeps because we finally stood up for ourselves and they label my mother as an enabler of our “bad behavior”. I used to be bothered by what my relatives say about us but then I realized they never fcking loved us so why let their opinions affect me? Because if they are really my family and if they love me, they would want to know my side of the story too instead of being concerned that I became a disrespectful daughter. I am done being the silent victim. I want to heal from this and healing starts from acknowledging that I came from dysfunction.

X, 

TinaMae

PS, Taylor Swift’s “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?” is the perfect song for this blog post (and my life)

[tinamaetales]

Lights, camera, bitch SMILE! (even when you wanna die)

“'Cause I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit. They said, "Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and I did…… I'm so depressed, I act like it's my birthday every day” - Taylor Swift, I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

“You’re in a good mood today!” My friend from work told me after I greeted her with a simple “good morning” the moment I arrived at our office. Little does she know that contrary to the cheerful greeting matched with a smile, I am actually breaking apart inside. The thing is, I have become so good at faking it that it looks genuine. Now, I am pondering how I managed to do this for years while life just goes on for everyone else. Crazy how one’s smile or tone of voice can hide so much. I guess Taylor Swift’s right when she said, “You know you’re good when you can even do it with a broken heart”

Fighting the stigma of mental health, especially in a country like the Philippines, is a long shot. While there has been progress in this matter, it is pretty obvious that the battle is far from over. In this country, opening up about your mental health struggles means you will be facing more backlash (pessimism instead of support) which I find ironic since this is also the same country who loves to yell about its “Christianity” When you open up about your mental health struggles, the common response is either they will question your faith or they will be dismissive of your pain. Oh, there really is no hate like Christian love.

Depression is not a choice. If there is something I can offer to the universe in exchange for a healed version of myself, I would have done that a long time ago. The thing is, people often judge you when you tell them that you have been struggling with depression. Some would even say this generation uses their mental health as scapegoat for “this and that” but they are wrong. I never chose to be depressed. I never chose to be filled with anxiety every single day. What people don’t realize is that for people who are living with depression, it takes everything in them just to show up each day. It takes everything in me just to get out of bed and show up at work. I don’t have a choice but to work because I am the breadwinner. If I don’t work, we will starve. And while I just silently accept the judgment of people around me because I cannot do much or I cannot contribute more at work, I just have to keep on wearing the mask of normalcy and pretend that everything in my life is under control. But damn, I just want to run away and scream at the sky. I am so tired of the kind of life I am living. I hate being depressed but this is the kind of illness that does not easily go away. Depression is not like a fever that would go away after 3 to 4 days of drinking medicine. Depression, for the majority of its sufferers, is a lifelong battle and sometimes, there is no guarantee of healing from it. For more than a decade now, I have been fighting this silent battle that, to be honest, I feel like I would soon lose. I am already exhausted despite learning how to live with it. But everytime I try to end my life, something will always snap me back and stop me from doing it. So, now I realized that I might actually be a strong person because I live life with a broken heart.

There have been numerous instances in my life when I thought I cannot handle it but I ended up doing it anyway because I simply do not have a choice. One of the most recent is when I still show up to work and continue doing my tasks acting as if I did not just cry my heart out the night before because I found out that my grandfather died. Crazy how I was weeping at home the moment my relatives from the province told us the news via phone call and I was still crying while at the shower and then the moment I stepped out the house the tears stopped and my face was back to its normal look. I arrived at work looking normal. I was doing my tasks while my heart was in deep pain. Every time my workmates strike a conversation with me, I just talk to them casually. No one suspected a thing. Nobody had the slightest clue that I was breaking inside. Hell, I was so good at this pretend game that sometimes it makes me feel like I am one of the fakest people on earth. But my everyday life is a greater example of “doing it with a broken heart” Every single day I face people with a smile acting as if everything is okay with me. And I guess that’s where my problem starts. My family, friends, and colleagues are all so used to seeing me always smiling and laughing that news of my struggle with depression seems to be so surprising. My own family does not believe me. My friends, some of them, are skeptical of my depression. In the end, you will always be alone in your struggle.

For someone who recently “came home” to God, I gotta admit that I felt embarrassed opening up about my mental health struggles. Usually, people’s assumption is you do not get depressed when you have faith. But, is it really a lack of faith on my part? I have faith in God, no doubt but acknowledging my own pain and wanting to seek professional help does not immediately mean that my faith is weak. Even God acknowledges our pain (prophet Elijah) Even Jesus, during his earthly ministry, knows what heartbreak is (John 11:35 - Jesus wept). My main conflict right now is how to have a stronger hold on my faith in God while facing the storm of depression. The rest of the world may judge me, including my family and friends, but one thing’s for certain, God will always embrace me despite being broken. I know that God acknowledges my pain and understands where I am coming from. Every time I feel like losing it again, I just keep on reading this verse from the Bible that has been the source of my strength these days: Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest Matthew 11:28.

Every time I look in the mirror, I truly cannot recognize myself. Am I a tough kid who can handle anything and survive everything? Or am I a masked person whose real identity is hidden from the world so that nobody suspects a thing about what is really happening in my life? Right now, I am trying my best to survive each day. I continue to smile at people even though deep inside there is a pain that is killing me. I continue to pray to God and ask for mercy even though there are times when I feel like I am not worthy to even talk to Him. I am navigating through life with a broken heart. Let me end this blog post with the outro lyrics from the same song I mentioned above, “'Cause I'm miserable And nobody even knows”

X,

TinaMae

[tinamaetales]

In my FLOP Era

“Unlike happiness which felt vague at times, misfortune always made its presence known” -Jeong Woo (Doctor Slump)

We are all familiar with the rags to riches stories; I, myself, am a sucker for these underdog stories. There is just something about the story of one’s triumph when you know how the circumstances/odds are all against them yet they come through. And then there’s the slump which is the opposite of it. The first time I encountered the word “slump” was when I was watching an NBA game and the commentator said that a certain team’s shooter is experiencing a slump but he hopes he gets over it and returns to his old self. Then I realized the word simply means downfall or a downturn in one’s performance. The thing is, we don’t really hear much about people during their slump era; most of the time the talk would be “he used to be great and now he is like this” without further analysis as to how the person who was once on top suddenly finds himself at the rock bottom. Someone’s rise and fall is not as talked about as someone else’s rags to riches story (at least, on my own observation). And as I continued watching this certain player miss his fifth 3 pointer attempt and feel bad for him, I realized that I am also in my slump phase or in music terms, flop era. You see, when you’re so used to being on top, the fall would hit really hard. The crazy thing is, I have been in my flop era for a few years now and it is so damn exhausting.

I do not do much during the weekends; I prefer just staying at home and doing absolutely nothing and I don’t know if it was the depression that is making me lose any sense of enthusiasm to actually do something in my life or I have just become more antisocial as years go by. Sometimes when I have the energy to get out of bed, I will watch a movie or a series. Months ago, I came across this medical k-drama called “Doctor Slump” and since I am familiar with the actors, I decided to go for it. Nonetheless, I liked its plot. This k-drama tells the story of two brilliant doctors who are both successful in their own fields. One is a famous cosmetic surgeon who has his own clinic and the other is an anesthesiologist who is just one step closer to getting the professor position in the hospital she works for. Everything was going well until they both experienced something that led them straight to rock bottom. The once gifted kids are now in the slump and now the challenge is how would they manage to get back on top when this is the first time in their lives that they hit rock bottom? How does a person truly overcome a slump?

The main characters of this k-drama, Haneul and Jeong Woo, are both gifted kids and were also academic rivals. Ever since they were students, everyone in the school knows that they have a bright future ahead of them. They are equally gifted and intelligent kids. They are similar yet different at the same time. Jeong Woo is the typical straight A student in class who came from a family of doctors. He is more chill in life because he does not have much to worry about. He is rich and has the privilege of having a tutor to assist him in his study. However, he lacks the love of family as both of his parents are too busy in their careers and couldn't care less about raising their own child. Hanuel, on the other hand, is a very hardworking student. She is the typical “all work and no play” kind of kid whose only main goal is to always be on top. Sometimes, she even takes drastic measures just so she could use all of her time in studying even though it means her own health suffers. Unlike Jeong Woo though, Hanuel has a great support system in her family. They might not be rich but they love and support each other. It is not a surprise that years later, both Hanuel and Jeong Woo ended up being successful in their own careers. However, behind that success is a heart that felt lonely at times. 

Like the top of a mountain that we admire from afar, sometimes a person’s success is the only thing we often see about them and not the struggle they have endured to reach where they are. We do not often hear about the hard work and sacrifices they have to endure to reach success in their own respective careers. Both Hanuel and Jeong Woo are successful doctors but there is more to their story than what people see. Hanuel has to endure the way her seniors treat her in the hospital just so she can keep her position and not be on their bad side. She even has to allow a senior to take all the credit in the dissertation that she wrote. Jeong Woo, on the other hand, has people on his side because he is famous and successful. And then both of them experienced their own “tragedy” that swiftly changed the course of their careers. Haneul, who was enduring everything her seniors are doing to her, has finally snapped and decided to stand up for herself. She was getting blamed for a patient’s scaring when it was her senior doctor who could not insert the iv properly and Haneul was the one who managed to insert the iv in the patient’s hand without hurting the patient. But the senior doctor blamed his own incompetence on her as he always does. Haneul finally had enough and decided to quit that day. Jeong Woo, on the other hand, had a patient die during the surgery. He cannot understand what went wrong when the surgery was simple and he is a very careful surgeon. Because of what happened, he was sued by the family of the patient. Not only did Jeong Woo lose his clinic and a huge amount of money for the settlement, he also lost his good reputation. But the thing with Jeong Woo was he was a victim. It was not his fault that the patient died because someone else in the clinic had done something to the patient and just put the blame on him. The successful doctors who were once on top, untouchables, came crashing down to the rock bottom. And these academic rivals have met each other again in their slump era. 

Most of the time, we treat the slump as something negative because it means you have hit rock bottom and going back up will be difficult. Often, we feel like the slump is the end. But, in a way, for both Jeong Woo and Haneul, the slump became their “pause” from the grind. Finally, they have the time to see themselves without the white coat of success and look deeper in their hearts to see what’s really inside. The slump became a time for them to reflect on the life they have lived so far. They have dedicated their entire lives to being great and now that they are not anymore, the question arises: who are they truly without the success? And damn, I felt that thing personally. 

At first, I can relate more with Haneul. I was once like her during my college days. I did not come from a wealthy family so in order for me to continue studying, I have to secure a scholarship. And securing a scholarship means you have to be consistent in getting the highest grades possible and so I did. Although my hard work during college came at the expense of my own happiness. While everyone else gets the chance to go to the mall to watch a movie or go shopping and others would often travel during school breaks, I just content myself with studying so that I can always have high grades. I thought to myself, “babawi na lang ako sa sarili ko pag nagka trabaho na ako” (I don’t know how to accurately translate it but it means I’ll just make it up to myself someday when I have a job). But then after graduation, I became the breadwinner of my family (the role of every eldest asian daughter because they have an irresponsible father) and all I did was work and not allow myself to enjoy the simple things in life. Like Haneul, I finally realized how much I missed out on life now that I am experiencing my own slump era. I truly relate to her when she said “I’m the type (of person) who saves their most favorite food and eats it last. And that’s what I did with my happiness as well.” because as a breadwinner, my life is not truly mine. I have to think about my family first before myself. And now, I am nearing my 30s and achieved the most minimal things. I did not truly experience life and it sucks because I cannot take my youth back. 

I really liked Jeong Woo’s character because he can still be cheerful despite everything that happened to him. Initially, I cannot relate with him as he seems to be the person who has it all and his path to success is straight and already expected. He’s like a nepo baby but deserves the success since he is actually intelligent and skillful. However, his slump also became an event for him to see the true colors of the people around him. The cheers were loud during his success but the support was silent the moment he fell. When he said “Failure always went hand-in-hand with loneliness” I felt some connection with him. You see, people most of the time would only like you when you are up but during your down time that’s the time you will see who the real ones are. In my case, it was easy for people to provide words of encouragement when your depression is only manifesting in the minimal sense but once my depression manifests in its full scale, most people walk out of the door and some get mad that I just could not simply get over it. Moreover, as the show progressed I saw myself relating more to Jeong Woo the moment that the topic about forgiveness came to light. Like Jeong Woo, I was also conflicted to forgive. It is truly difficult to just forgive and forget when you are the one who felt the effects of the betrayal. It is conflicting because you have suffered so much and yet these people around you only know the surface level of what happened. They are not the ones who experienced the excruciating pain in the chest every time you remember what happened to you and they are also not the ones who have to rebuild your stained reputation. The world would simply move on to the next topic or drama while it would take years for you to rebuild yourself. It will be easy for others to just forgive and forget because they are not the ones in your shoes. They even said that forgiveness is for your peace of mind but is it really?

Seeing pieces of myself in Hanuel and Jeong Woo made this series become comforting because it made me feel seen and my struggles validated. Being in a slump is suffocating, especially when you are alone. Another factor that I liked about this k-drama is how they did not rush their main characters into getting up. The show takes its time in showing us how people with depression and anxiety struggles. The healing journey is and will never be a straight path. There are days when you will feel “ok” enough to get up and do something but there are also days when you just feel like doing nothing at all and dissociate. They have also shown how it is normal for people to fall back again and again during their healing journey. It was a difficult journey and it will really take a great amount of time and effort before one can truly heal. Another thing I like about this show is that they gave their characters the courage to seek professional help because it can also inspire someone who is struggling to do the same. Struggling alone is difficult but asking for help should not be seen as a sign of weakness. You can take your time while you are at the rock bottom but also do not close out the idea of seeking professional help. I hope that all of us who are struggling, all of us who are in our own slumps, will manage to get back up someday. 

X,

TinaMae

[tinamaetales]

The 39, in retrospect

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah  6:8

The phrase “familiarity breeds contempt” seems truer than I could imagine. I tend to treat familiar things as just common knowledge but I don’t really find any feelings of contempt. But then, as I grew older, I realized that the things I’m familiar with started to irritate me especially when I encounter them all the time. Whenever I browse through social media on national holidays like my country’s Independence Day, I see a lot of posts related to our national heroes and before when I was still a student, I tend to become excited about them because “yey, something informative is on social media!” but now I just roll my eyes and scroll past them. This habit is bad because what if the post contains misinformation and everyone else just does not care enough to correct it? Then it will just create a series of posts about misinformation that the younger generation will stumble upon and since no one dares to correct them then it might pass off as fact. Sometimes, that is how we just roll right? We tend to just read on surface level instead of doing our research about certain things because fast facts and summary are better than reading full information – who has time for reading, anyway? An example of this that I can think of is when history books claimed that Jose Rizal is the author of the poem “Sa Aking Mga Kabata” and everyone else just accepts it. However, there is no actual documentary evidence that suggests his authorship. But such “fact” became so common in the Filipino society that when one asks about his writings, that poem is a familiar answer. Anyway, misconception or fake news is not the main topic of this blog post but more on how familiarity with certain things tend to make us disinterested in knowing more about them. I, for one, am guilty of this. I prefer reading summaries instead of the whole article. My mindset was, why read the full chapter when not everything will be part of the exam? Only the most common knowledge such as the main/famous characters and the dates of the more significant events are the questions to be included in exams. This kind of mindset was the reason why I never was interested in reading the Bible as a whole. I was content with knowing the familiar stories from the Bible like Adam and Eve, Noah’s Ark, Moses and the ten commandments, and Daniel in the lion’s, the parables of Jesus, Jesus’s crucifixion and resurrection to name a few and have no interest in actually knowing more about God. And such a mindset was one of the reasons why my faith in God was like a rollercoaster ride, filled with ups and downs. For the longest time, my mind only knows God but my heart does not fully know and understand him. 

I have already discussed here in my blog about how I was redeemed by God in late 2023 through the show The Chosen (crazy how God works, right?) and it was that show that ultimately made me come back home and work on having a real relationship with God through His only begotten son Jesus Christ. Early this year, I turned 28 and I made it a mission to get to know God more through reading the Bible. I bought a King James version Bible last December 2023 and I started reading it on the very first day of 2024; I decided to just read it in chronological order so I started with the Book of Genesis. Since I grew up in a dominantly Catholic practicing society and have studied in Catholic schools from kindergarten to high school, I am very much familiar with the stories from the Bible so I had the assumption that reading it would be easy but I was wrong. I was surprised at how difficult it was to fully grasp its message and I often find myself feeling overwhelmed after reading some chapters or verses. I realized now that there are a lot of things that I misunderstood and there are so many stories that are foreign to me and I am just learning now. Few days ago, before I started working on this blog post, I finished reading all 39 books of the Old Testament and right now I am feeling a lot of things. It was overwhelming, especially the contents of the books of Moses and the history books. The poetry books as well as the books of the major and minor prophets are also overwhelming especially on the form it was written. I thought that the Bible was written in a “novel” way but it was actually “poetic” which made it very challenging for me to comprehend. 

Amazement, confusion, assurance, melancholy, frustration, comfort, and pain – these are just some of the things I have experienced while reading the books of the Old Testament. Reading those 39 books was not like a walk in the park experience. I thought that reading the stories would feel as if I am reading a story about a hero; I just assumed that the chosen people of God managed to always do the right things and fulfill the mission given to them with some challenges and struggles on the side. I was expecting that it would be like how movies do it – once the main character conquers the challenges then it is happily ever after but it is not the case here. I tend to forget that these people from the Bible were real people who are just flawed humans like us. They can fall like a tower despite God choosing them. Just because they were chosen does not mean that they will not break again. It was difficult for me to understand it at first so I ended up getting disappointed and frustrated with them. I was frustrated with Aaron for tolerating idolatry, mad at Saul for his disobedience, and was let down by David when he ordered Uriah killed just so he can have his wife, and many others. It was difficult for me to understand because what I was expecting was something simple instead of accepting the fact that humans are complex. Also, who am I to be mad at them when I am a sinner too? It is easy to see the faults of others. Now that I have finished reading all the books and rereading some of the chapters and verses, I have realized that the Bible has the recurring theme of rise and fall of humanity and the abundant mercy, love, and compassion of God despite showing His wrath. In retrospect, I feel like the entire Old testament can be defined through these two verses: Exodus 34:6-7 - And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.” and Judges 21:25 - In those days there was no king in Israel: every man did that which was right in his own eyes.

It would be impossible for me to discuss the entirety of the Old Testament but in this blogpost I would just share some of the events and characters that I think about a lot:

The event that confused me: Isaac as an offering to God (Genesis 22:1-18)

“It is too much. God is asking for too much” this is my exact reaction right after reading that chapter from the book of Genesis. It was difficult for me to comprehend why an all-knowing, powerful, and loving God would ask his faithful servant Abraham for a sacrifice as heavy as this one. I reached the point wherein I asked God if it was necessary for Him to test one’s faith in such a heartbreaking way because I have been in situations wherein my faith was really tested to the point that I just concluded that maybe God enjoys punishing humans because the test was just too much. And that is where my failure to understand this chapter comes from. I was looking at this in a limited perspective because I thought God was just doing this to see if I can endure being faithful despite the heartbreaks which, most of the time, ends up with me resenting Him. However, that is not the case as I truly dive deeper. God did not ask Abraham to sacrifice Isaac for the purpose of hurting him for his faith but to show us that when we remain faithful and submit complete obedience, God will deliver. The message of this story, in my own understanding, is that true faith requires work (James 2:26). It is not enough that you believe in God and memorize the Bible, you must also put in the work. We must completely surrender our lives to God and leave the life of sin. This is my main takeaway from this story – God is not asking for too much, He just wants us to fully trust Him. Abraham fully trusts God and Isaac trusts God too, so in the end God provided the ram to be sacrificed instead. The ram in place of Isaac is a foreshadowing of God himself sacrificing His own son to save the world (John 3:16).

The event that surprised me: Jacob wrestled with God (Genesis 32:24-28)

One of the characters from the Bible that early on I was never fond of was Jacob. I disliked him because of all the things he has done such as deceiving his father, stealing from his brother, and he did not even defend his own daughter from a rapist – he is a jerk. I disliked him more because it seems as if he always gets away from his own shits. Then, he finally got “cornered” when he was informed that Esau is going to meet him but he has 400 men with him; no assurance if this meant Jacob will be met with war or with peace. Jacob sent his gifts ahead and was left alone in the camp then the event that followed surprised me. I find the story of Jacob wrestling with God surprising because, well, what on earth was that? I was confused as to why God had a wrestling match with a human. The wrestling match even lasted until dawn. I thought a lot about that scene and I was trying so hard to understand its purpose because you know… God can just simply forgive Jacob and redeem him and give him his new name but a wrestling match really did happen. But upon deeper reflection, I have come up with two realizations:

I am also wrestling with God

There have been a lot of times when I find myself screaming and crying while praying to God because I was begging him to intervene and provide solutions to the problems I am facing. Sometimes those moments would last for weeks; I just kept on begging God to do something because my situation had become hopeless. Those were the moments that really felt as if I was also wrestling with God. And just like Jacob, I really wanted to get an answer from heaven so I stood firm in my prayers. Sometimes, God responds in the way I wanted to but there are also some moments wherein He provided a redirection.

2. We are never too damaged for God to save us

One of the things I have noticed in the world that we live in is that often one’s reputation precedes them; society seems to be unforgiving of people’s past acting as if perfection exists in humans. But thank God, it is not the same with Him. Jacob’s story proves that God is a loving and merciful God who is willing to extend His grace to those who truly repent and I am a testament to this. I am truly grateful that through Jesus, I was redeemed and I am hoping and praying that I would not waste this second chance given to me.

The character that I am familiar with: Moses (Exodus to Deuteronomy)

Moses is probably the most famous prophet from the Old Testament. If I will describe it in kpop terms, he is the face of the group or in NBA terms, he is the main star of the franchise. Moses’ role is one of the most important as he is the one used by God to free the people of Israel and establish the covenant. What makes Moses iconic is how relatable he is. I look at Moses and feel the assurance of God’s love and mercy. For a long time, I have looked at Moses as someone who is so great, someone you can define as a larger-than-life kind of person, in NBA terms the GOAT, but then fail to see that behind the great role is a man who was once lost. He was like that one lost sheep whom God decided to look for despite having 99 good ones. Moses is one of the proofs that God does not call the qualified but qualifies the called. He was wandering around the desert because he killed someone in Egypt and what might seem like already a dead end for him turned out to be just a stepping stone to something greater. He was able to start a new chapter while in the desert, he got married and had kids, but then God called him for a great mission. His entire arc is not just amazing but inspirational; a testament of God’s abundant grace, for sure.

The character that I never knew before: Josiah (2 Kings 22-23)

King Josiah was just one of the many people from the Bible that I am not familiar with. When I reached his part of the story, I was surprised at how young he was when he ascended the throne but his story became one of my favorites. Josiah is proof that you cannot let your past define your future. He proved that a person can break the generational sin by simply becoming a good person. I love how he refused to inherit the sins of his ancestors (his grandfather and father). I love that Josiah did not follow the sinful life led by his family and instead dedicated his life and leadership to God. Josiah is proof that we can do better. Also, Josiah is a great leader for he wanted his people to live life in accordance to the will of God. Josiah showed us that a great leader can make a difference for his people. He did the best he could and his story and his reign were one of the events from the Old Testament that I enjoyed reading. 

There is this famous Filipino saying “Kung ano ang puno, siya ang bunga” which means that the traits, attitudes, or values of one’s family can be inherited by their children and I have always hated that. It hurts every time people would tell me that I act like this or that because I inherited it from my father because I refuse to be associated with a horrible person. I know that I can do better and Josiah’s story gives me assurance. Just like Josiah, I refuse to inherit the toxicity of my family; where I came from does not define me. I am my own person and I refuse to be associated with those kinds of people; I am not perfect since I have a lot of things to work with in my own life but one thing is for sure, I will do my best not to become the monster I have fought with my entire life. And by God’s grace, I hope I can work on becoming a good person. 

The character that disappointed me: David (2 Samuel 11:1-27, 2 Samuel 12:1-25)

King David was one of my favorite people from the Bible. I love his entire story arc because of how “heroic” it was and I guess his humble beginnings was the first time, if I am not mistaken, the world witnessed an underdog story. I am very fond of underdog stories because their win is an inspiration for “smaller” people like me (just like how I loved the success stories of Miami Heat’s undrafted players). David, I believed, had the “perfect” character arc; he went from being a young shepherd to the King’s musician, to a warrior (after defeating Goliath, single-handedly), then finally becoming the King. His story was like the perfect cinematic experience however, it did not just end with him becoming a King. He ended up committing a sin that God Himself has to call him out through the prophet Nathan. I was disappointed in David because he already had it all yet it still was not good enough for him. I was disappointed with the lengths he went through just so he can get what he wants; he was responsible for Uriah’s death all because he wanted to get Bathsheba (Uriah’s wife) despite already having wives of his own. His action proved that humans, by nature, cannot be content and would always want to have more. However, this story line is more than just a story of how human’s greed can consume them as this also showed us how God’s mercy and grace is abundant. His story further showed us that when a person truly repents, then God can forgive you. This story of his gave us the message that while God is forgiving, He also makes sure that sins are not unpunished (Romans 3:23-24).

The character I end up seeing myself in: Jonah (Jonah 4:1-11)

The belly of a large fish is the first thing that comes to mind whenever I hear the name Jonah. I was familiar with his story but not with the full context of it; I only know that he was swallowed by a fish and then he prayed to God and his prayer was heard so he was vomited out by the fish back to the dry land. I never expected that I would enjoy my time reading his book. Out of the 12 minor prophets’ books, Jonah’s story seems like a “break time” from seriousness because instead of focusing on delivering prophecies, his story focused on his “detours” which eventually led him to obey what God had asked him to do. What makes his story even more enjoyable was that it was created in a satirical way - characters doing exactly the opposite of what was expected of them while God’s own prophet, Jonah, was doing everything you do not expect from a prophet (running away from God and then getting mad at Him). Anyway, after reading the book of Jonah, I had the realization that I am a Jonah too. Jonah’s “tantrums” about not accepting the notion of loving your enemies was exactly what I have been doing. It was difficult for me to comprehend why God welcomes everyone. It was difficult for me to know that even the people who hurt me would also receive the mercy and grace of God. Then I realized that if God’s mercy and grace are not abundant then I would not have been redeemed. Who am I to judge others? I was a sinner too. And if God can redeem me, He has every right to redeem others too. However, it is up to us if we are willing to truly repent and put on the work alongside our faith. In the end, this book teaches us to be compassionate and extend the same grace and mercy that God gives us. God’s love for His people is greater than the mistakes made. If we can truly repent, then we are deserving of God’s mercy. God’s love works wonders. 

The book that broke me: The Book of Job

This book hurt me to the point that I stopped reading the Bible for a while. It’s difficult to praise God while you are in misery. The entire book felt like a reflection of my own suffering so reading it became difficult. It felt as if the more I progressed in the book, the heavier my heart felt. And in the process of reading this book, I started questioning God again.

“Why do you allow suffering?” Those are the words I often ask God because as a fragile human, it is difficult to comprehend why and how a loving and merciful God would allow suffering in this world – especially when you see that most of the people who suffer are not even the bad ones. Every time I see the world’s biggest criminals, the politicians, living good lives and remaining unpunished for their crimes, my heart feels heavy as I realize how much I have suffered and why God allowed it. I started to think that maybe God enjoys seeing people suffer or maybe he plays favorites. I cannot fully understand why there is a need for God to test our faith when he knows that humans are fragile and cannot handle anything too much. Does testing one’s faith really make them strong? Because in my experience, my suffering did not make me strong, it just left me hurt and traumatized (with a few mental illnesses). Amid suffering, it is difficult to understand God’s greater purpose because our focus is on the pain. But that is expected, right? We are only humans. For a long time, after reading the book of Job, I closed my Bible and just gave myself time to reflect. The pain I felt was something I cannot fully describe and I cannot find the strength to go back to God – long story short, I fell again.

The time I spent away from God was quiet yet empty. I stopped praying and calling to God – it was as if I entered a room to get away from the chaos yet an uncomfortable silence enveloped me and I felt weaker than before. It was during this time that I realized that I am barking at the wrong tree. Why am I blaming God for everything when I am also responsible for my situation? And the biggest person to blame here is my human father (Yeah, I really have to emphasize the human part on this one because God the almighty father is not to blame here). But I guess my “sama ng loob” to God comes from knowing that He can save us from this misery yet I felt His silence more than His love. I can see what He can do for others so why can’t He do it for me too? Why is God not intervening and is just allowing us to suffer? It is crazy because I ended up remembering the famous Bible verses, Proverbs 3:5-6 and Matthew 6:31-32, and it finally dawned on me: despite the difficult circumstances, God had always provided for us. We always have food to eat and we still manage to pay our bills – yes, the crazy housing loan instigated by my stupid human father is still a problem but despite that God makes sure that we can still survive. I just must stand firm in my faith in Him. After all, this is the same God who had proven time and time again that He can make miracles happen: if God can part the red sea for Moses and provide manna for the people of Israel in the desert, if He can do all these miracles, then God can also save me and my family from this ruin – I just have to trust His timing. It will always be God’s timing, not mine.

The book that healed me: The Book of Daniel

If the previous book I have discussed hurt me, this book, the book of Daniel, healed me. I have found a different kind of comfort upon reading his book despite being familiar with his story. Daniel in the lion’s den was one of the most popular Bible stories that I have been hearing being repeatedly discussed in school (I studied in catholic schools) but reading his story, in full context, made me appreciate him more. Daniel became my comfort person. I have found a deeper admiration for him; I wish I can even be just half the person that Daniel is. He truly lived up the life of the faithful for he showed us how a real relationship with God should be. I love how Daniel stood firm in his faith and did not compromise just to not offend people. Sometimes, I am guilty of compromising my faith in God just so I can accommodate the earthly things. It made me ask myself this question: Why am I going to follow what the world says is right? I should live life according to God’s will, not to the world’s standards.  After all, earthly standards, created by humans not by God, would lead you to damnation.

Three words to describe Daniel are wise, courageous, and faithful. I would like to associate him with those three words because of the way he handled things. Daniel was a wise person as God gifted him wisdom. Daniel is courageous for he had the courage to stick to his principles; he did not allow himself to be “defiled” or become “unclean.” Even though Daniel knows that by refusing to eat the meal prepared for them by the King he could get in trouble, he stood firm in his principles. And when the decree to prohibit people to pray and worship God was enacted, Daniel still chose to pray. He did not allow his faith to be compromised. Daniel is faithful for he still praises God even though he was thrown in the lion’s den. He put all his trust in God and in return, God saved him.

Another inspiring thing from the book of Daniel is the story of his three friends, Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego, or the three Jewish men who were thrown in the fiery furnace. Just like Daniel, these three men were also captives from Jerusalem and were brought to Babylon. These three men were also like Daniel as they are wise, courageous, and faithful. Because they refused to bow down to the King’s image and worship the King, the three men were thrown in the fiery furnace as a punishment. This showed how they also stood firm in their faith in God and refused to compromise their faith. While they were inside the furnace, someone who “looks like a son of God” joined them. It was not clear if the fourth man in the fire was Jesus, an angel or God himself but the fact remains that they were not alone in their “punishment” I look at this as a symbolism or representation of how God is with us even in our lowest lows just like how he told Joshua: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go (Joshua 1:9). Having the fourth “man” in the fiery furnace with them is proof of how God is close to the brokenhearted and provides comfort for us. Sometimes, we just focus too much on the pain that we fail to see how God is with us through it all. 

I have found healing in the book of Daniel because it showed that it is possible to become faithful to God despite of all the pain and suffering in this world. The book made me reflect that it is in learning to trust God more that would help me move past my default “panic mode.” Most of the time, my anxiety heightens because I keep on worrying about everything instead of remembering that I have God by my side. Personally, when things in my life get too much, I tend to “malfunction” instead of making my faith in God stronger; I allow the world’s pain to sway me away from God instead of holding stronger to my faith. And this is why Daniel, as well as Meshach, Shadrach, and Abednego’s faith is admirable for they showed us how to stand firm and to fully trust God even if in hopeless situations. I fully realized now that when life knocks you down, it means you are in the perfect position to pray. 

Looking back, I cannot believe I was able to finish reading the entire Old Testament. I had my moments of confusion and hurt but there are also moments filled with love and assurance. The 39 books from the Old Testament, although they can be a bit overwhelming to read, are filled with life lessons which can help guide us as we navigate through life with God. We cannot fully understand God’s purpose for our lives if we do not know the history of God’s relationship with humanity. Also, the books of the Old Testament do not just tell the history of God and humanity, it is also filled with wisdom and prophecies which will always be relevant. And the most important thing is that the Old Testament is a way of introducing us to the savior sent by God to save humanity – His only begotten son, Jesus. I am excited as I move forward to the New Testament. I am excited to finally meet Jesus.

X,

TinaMae

[tinamaetales]

You’re not sorry

“So you’re apologizing…..Ok, I don’t forgive you……No, I’m not gonna give you closure. You don’t get that. You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it’s never, ever going to be okay……I’m not gonna feel better and I’m not gonna be your prop so you can feel better” - Herb Kazaz, BoJack Horseman Ep. 8 Season 1 “The Telescope”

It has been five years since the last time I stepped foot inside my Psychiatrist's office and now looking back there's a part of me that screams I should have continued my therapy....but the thing is I really cannot afford it. And now, I have become messier than ever. My depression got worse and I'm just trying to survive each day. That's the keyword, trying. I used a lot of distractions though, good and bad. Good distractions are the music of my fave, iKON, and watching Miami Heat games. Bad distractions are spending an awful amount of time watching tiktoks of those who are as mentally ill as I am because instead of going to therapy we just rely on the internet to have some sense of belongingness especially when you feel like no one is really on your side. And I do feel that most of the time......I feel like no one truly understands and no one actually believes that I am struggling badly. I'm mentally unstable despite the fact that I do not have a proper diagnosis about my condition. I just know. Why? Because it's my mind and my body. I can feel it. For fuck's sake, I live with it.

What I noticed in our society is that it is easier to doubt someone who is vocal about their struggles instead of believing them and supporting them. It is easier for our society to gaslight someone into thinking that they are just allowing themselves to be weak instead of understanding them. And when someone decides to end their life, it's either people would finally get it and feel remorseful that they should have seen the signs or they would still say that the generation of today is just not mentally strong enough to handle life. And then there's another scenario, someone will be badly mentally fckd up that they end up being a horrible person then they will treat others horribly too. Hurt people will hurt people and so the cycle never ends.

As I mentioned earlier, I used a lot of distractions as I try to live each day. For someone like me who hates going outside and prefers to be alone, binge watching shows on streaming apps is a form of distraction. I’m not really picky when it comes to movies or series that I watch though, I just want the plot to make sense and not be over the top with so many plot twists and unnecessary “different” endings. One of the series I ended up loving is BoJack Horseman. 

BoJack Horseman is not an easy to watch show. Yes it started as a quirky show about a former lead star of a successful 90s sitcom but as it progressed, it showed the harsh reality of the entertainment industry and how not being held accountable for your fuckery can make you a monster. It's crazy because BoJack as the main character of this show is not likable at all (at least for me). Throughout the show you kinda cheer for him to get better and grow up but then he always ends up disappointing you. However, knowing his history, especially with the kind of family he has, you can't help but feel some empathy for him. I guess that's the thing about main characters, despite the flaws you still want them to become triumphant in the end because somehow you can see a version of yourself with them. But how long can a person tolerate one's behavior? I do not want to label myself as a good person because I know that I am far from that but there is a certain part of me that knows how to forgive especially if they are deserving. However, when someone refuses to be held accountable for their mistakes and refuses to see how toxic they are does it really make me the bad one here if I chose not to forgive?

The show has six seasons and 77 episodes but I did not feel that it was long because the execution of the episodes are great. There are a lot of episodes which make me feel uneasy about how close they hit home. But for this blog post I will be discussing two scenes from two different episodes because these two scenes are about the topics of accountability and forgiveness: The Telescopes from ep 8 of season 1 and It’s You from ep 10 of season 3. 

Have you ever met someone who is too full of himself? A person who obviously has issues in life but does not exert efforts in making himself become better and instead use their difficult past as an excuse for being a shitty person? A person who does not want to be held accountable for their mistakes and people around him tolerated him so he never learns? Well that’s my father. Also, that is who BoJack Horseman is. But if we are going to make this a competition about who is worse then my father is definitely winning this contest, unanimously. While watching the show, I cannot help but see parts of my father in BoJack Horseman especially in episodes “The Telescope” and “It’s You” Both of those episodes have confrontation scenes with a friend of BoJack (Herb in episode 8 season 1 and Todd in episode 10 season 3) who refused to accept his apology and want him to be held accountable for his actions. And I both agree with them.

For context, in the “The Telescopes” episode, Bojack apologized to his friend Herb for betraying him years ago. He chose to protect his career instead of standing with Herb. And he even further that betrayal when he did not contact him for so many years. Now that he learned that Herb has cancer, he decided to visit him and apologized and I like that Herb refused to accept such a self serving apology. The quote above was what Herb told BoJack after he apologized. I like the way he emphasized how BoJack is only apologizing now so he can have closure and to make himself feel better. Because horrible people do that. They will only apologize so that their guilt will not eat them up especially when their apology gets accepted. But the damage has been done, right? Just like what the famous saying states, the ax forgets but the tree remembers. What’s the point of accepting an apology if it does not make you feel better but will only make the jerk feel better coz “yey, finally!” their shitty actions were forgiven. Those kinds of apologies are self-serving. They ended up fighting and then Herb said this line (I really like this one, thank you writers!) “You know what your problem is? You wanna think of yourself as the good guy. Well I know you better than anyone and I can tell you that you’re not. In fact, you’d probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you’re a selfish goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants and doesn’t give a shit about who he hurts. That’s you. That’s BoJack Horseman” Now, that’s the kind of wake up call that someone like BoJack deserves to hear. He deserved those words because they are true, he’s a coward. He always blames others or the circumstances to make himself feel better instead of owning up to his mistakes. 

Another episode I mentioned here is the 10th episode from season 3 of the show and here is some context: Todd and BoJack had a confrontation. BoJack was mad that Todd did not want him to become a nominee for the Oscars and then Todd was mad that BoJack slept with Emily (the woman Todd dated). But honestly, I think it was really not the Emily thing that Todd was mad about but rather all the other things BoJack did, like when he sabotaged Todd’s opera, and they all piled up so Todd ended up bursting at that moment. BoJack said “I’m sorry, I screwed up” to which Todd replied with “You can’t keep doing this! You can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!” BoJack tried to reason out so Todd followed it up with “You are all the things that are wrong with you. It’s not the alcohol or the drugs or any of the shitty things that happened in your career, or when you were a kid. It’s you” This is another “calling out” that BoJack deserves because he just keeps on doing shitty things and then feels bad about it for himself but does not actually do things to make things right. At some point, as a friend you will just get tired of someone like him. And while there’s an argument about what led to this confrontation with Todd is not something that Todd himself should be mad about, I saw that scene as a way of having Todd as the “representative” of all the other people that BoJack treated badly. In that scene, he was being called out for a lot of things he did not just related specifically to Todd.

So now we start the discussion about my father. Actually every time I typed the words “my father” I felt disgusted. I hate being associated with him. I hate the fact that we share the same DNA. I just hate him. And before the moral police come here and yell “But he is still your father!” please hear me out first. A child will not resent or hate their own parent if the said parent was not horrible. And that’s my main issue. My father was a horrible person to us. Actually an entire year is not enough for me to tell the entire story of how horrible he was and why he’s the reason my mother, my sister and I are all fcked in the head now. He treated us horribly but always gave the reason that he’s older so he knows better. He always used the “parent” card and always used the “I provided you food, I sent you to school….” monologue as a justification to his behavior. He’s the kind of person that should have never become a parent and a husband in the first place. He’s a hurt person and he ended up hurting others too - he hurt us. His decisions in life always end up with the rest of the family suffering the most. He had this mantra that since he had it difficult growing up, his children should also not have it easy in life. The latest shitty thing he did is getting a housing loan that he cannot afford just so he can brag to his mother. And when he experienced a difficult time getting employment, I ended up using my bonuses and even acquired a loan just so we can pay for this house because he promised to pay me back once he gets another contract again (he’s a seaman). But then he never did. He was aware of this. He was aware that employment in his career would wither as he aged but he did not care. He still continued with that loan despite objections from us; hell, that jerk was even mad that we were telling him not to buy a house. And fast forward to today, I have no savings and I have a loan too. You might be wondering where he is? Back in his hometown, chilling. He can even sleep peacefully at night while snoring while me, on the other hand, is more mentally fcked up than ever. As I mentioned earlier, he did a lot of shitty things to us but that housing loan was just the most recent. So the “calling out” scenes from BoJack Horseman were some of my favorites from the show because those are also the things I wanted to tell him. I just wish I had the courage to do so.

My relatives are very much aware of this situation but they always tell me to just forgive him; easy to say when you’re not the one directly affected by his actions. They even have the nerve to give me lectures about how important it is to forgive and it makes me a bad person for treating my father this way. But am I really the wrong one here? He’s not even sorry. For years, he will do shitty things to us. Sometimes he apologizes but sometimes he does not. But in all those scenarios, he’s not sorry. I do not feel any sincerity on his part at all. But why is it that despite the fact that I’m the one who was wronged here, he’s the one who has people on his side while I’m the one being labeled as the bad one? I am conflicted because I cannot forgive. For a long time now, I tried so hard to find it in myself to learn to forgive not just him but also all the other people who wronged me but I really cannot do it. I cannot do it because I’m a tree that remembers every hit of the ax while the ax is living comfortably. Why am I the one who cannot have peace of mind when I’m the victim? I have been struggling with the concept of forgiveness for a long time but those confrontations from BoJack Horseman episodes are somewhat validating because it shows how I’m not the only one who cannot accept apologies. He’s not even genuinely sorry, so why would I extend the olive branch here?

X,

TinaMae

PS, There are a lot of things from BoJack Horseman that I would like to discuss and hopefully I find the time to write about them. The show is good, I highly recommend it!

[tinamaetales]

From My Ahjussi (EP 11)

[tinamaetales]

Run it Back

“Hardest-working, best conditioned, most professional, unselfish, toughest, meanest, nastiest team in the NBA.”

One of the best memories I have since becoming a fan of the Miami Heat is that iconic clutch 3 of Ray Allen in game 6 of the 2013 NBA Finals. I can remember watching that live on TV and after he made the shot, I was jumping and screaming in the living room because, man, that felt so crazy! It was one of those rare moments in my life when I can say I felt this thing called euphoria; I was just watching that game on TV because I'm from the Philippines and I already felt intense emotions, what more are the people who are actually in the arena, right? Let alone the players and the coaching staff... it must have been one of the best nights of their lives. That was the kind of moment where you can say "I had the time of my life." That clutch 3 pointer made me feel euphoric for about a week, lol. 

There are some people who will find it weird that I felt happy and felt as if the success of the Miami Heat at that year's NBA finals was also mine but that's what makes being a fan so exciting, right? You felt a sense of belongingness in the success of someone you look up to. I grew up with an inferiority complex. I always feel bad about not just being average but below average. I guess this is because I grew up in an Asian society wherein academic success is very valuable. It's either you're the gifted kid or you're not. In school, there were times wherein teachers would get frustrated with me because I'm slow in learning things. As a kid, I get so scared of not learning things easily because the kids in my class are all so smart, leaving the “outcasts” like me the feeling of wanting to just hide at the back of the classroom so the teachers will not get mad at you. I never really had proper friends in school, until high school. During elementary school, I'm almost always on my own. So watching sports games became a solitude. I am a sucker for rags to riches stories. That's why the stories of the athletes who came from humble beginnings and ended up being successful are my favorite. However, most of us are used to knowing the stories of these superstars in the sports world. Making it in the league is not the end of it, though because you still have to prove your worth. I was not really into the undrafted players before because most of the time they are just on the sides as the stars are always the main characters of the games. Until I learned about Duncan Robinson. 

I guess the NBA 2013 finals was the last time I was fully invested in the Miami Heat and the NBA as a whole because I became busy with a lot of things in my personal life. I totally forgot about the basketball world until the pandemic hits and my favorite artists (mainly iKON) are not that active. I can remember dropping by at the main office of my work for some errands (I work at a government agency but our office building is separated from the main office) when I notice a familiar team on their TV. The staff were watching a basketball game, it was a Heat game and they won that game. (In case anyone's wondering why I'm at the office during a basketball game, I live in the Philippines and the timezone here is different. Live NBA games here are in the mornings). Of course, after the game they interviewed the best player of the night and it was Duncan Robinson. At that moment I realized that it's been years since the last time I watched an NBA game and the guy is not familiar with me. After that I researched about him and the current Miami Heat roster and long story short, it reignited my love for the game and for my team. 

Duncan is not the only undrafted player in the NBA who gets minutes but it was his journey towards the NBA that made me become interested. His journey to the NBA is inspirational because he was undrafted yet he did not give up on his dreams. He worked so hard to get to where he is today. From Division III in college to being an undrafted player to earning a two-way contract and then finally to a $90 million dollar contract with the Miami Heat, I can’t help but feel inspired by that journey. And while I started watching Heat games again, other undrafted players in the roster also caught my attention like Max Strus and Caleb Martin. Max was also undrafted and went from one team to another and just when he was about to get the opportunity to have playing minutes, he got injured. But like Duncan, he worked hard and now after he got his shot with the Heat, he was signed with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Caleb, on the other hand, is also an undrafted player. At the 2019 NBA Draft, he watched his twin brother get drafted while he was not. Although he was eventually signed to the same team as his twin, he got cut off. Fast forward to today, he is now a vital player for the Heat. Guys like them are proof that just because it didn't work out the “normal way” does not mean it’s the end of the journey. They did not let adversity bring them down, instead they used it as a fuel to work harder. Somehow, their journey served as my motivation to keep going. 

I was so used to seeing success stories and sometimes I feel jealous when others win in life while I feel stuck in the rock bottom. It’s difficult to stay motivated when you see others having it easy. But watching the stories of undrafted players like Duncan, Max and Caleb through Inside the Heat episodes, I feel less alone (if I describe it correctly). They are a living testament that you never lose when you keep working hard. When your focus is on yourself and not on others, then you can have more time to improve your skills and reflect on your weaknesses and turn your adversities into opportunities to get better. Just like what Olivia Rodrigo said in her song Jealousy: their win is not my loss. I should stop comparing my journey with others because we all have different timelines. What works for one does not mean it will work for the rest of us. 

So now as I reminisce about the previous NBA season, I can’t help but feel some sense of “panghihinayang” because the Heat almost won the championship.I remember how hard I was praying last year to let the Heat advanced to the playoffs because I really wanted them to win the chip while my three favorite undrafted players, Duncan, Max and Caleb are still on the same team. Also, they would have made history for being the first play-in team to win the championship; a team with about 70% of their roster are undrafted players. Now that we are in the new season, Max is on a different team now while Duncan and Caleb are still on the Heat. What these three have taught me time and time again is that you have to learn to accept that life has its way of making things work for you although sometimes it’s not in the way you expect it to be and it’s okay. What matters the most is you refuse to give up when adversities hit you - you always have to run it back. Run it back in a sense that you should keep going even if things get difficult. Turn your breakdowns into breakthroughs. Turn your adversities into opportunities. Turn your setbacks into great comebacks. As long as you are breathing, keep going. After all, if God keeps on giving you another day to live it means He still has plans for you. And those plans are meant to prosper not harm you.

X, 

TinaMae

PS, I really hope this is the year that the Heat finally get their 4th championship. 

[tinamaetales]

I Have Called You By name

But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1

My relationship with God has been a recurring topic in this blog simply because my faith has its ups and downs and sometimes, I feel like I want to express what I'm feeling about it by writing on this blog. Writing, although I am mediocre at it, has become a hobby of mine. Ever since I was young, I always rely on writing an essay over various topics - before, I just find an extra notebook at home or a spare piece of paper and just write down whatever I want and then during college years I bought a journal and I became so active in writing on those mini journal notebooks then came adulthood which I discover blogging so this blog ended up being created. Although I'm not really active here (because of adulting, that's why), this blog is no stranger to my journey with God. I have written about my faith in God a few times in here, sometimes the ups and sometimes the downs. I can remember the last time I wrote something here, way back in 2022, a quite lengthy blog post about how I'm struggling with my faith (The title of that blog post is "O, Ye of Little Faith" and it was posted here on October 16, 2022). I wrote that in frustration. I was in so much pain when I was writing it. I feel like I was screaming at an empty sky and no one is listening. My heart is longing for that "being" who I used to believe in and yet I felt like he abandoned me. But there was a part of me that says "do not give up on your faith" so as I entered 2023, I made a promise to myself that I will work on my relationship with God and surprisingly, I did.

The church is a holy place for this is where the mass is being held, a place where people pray, to put it simply: God's Home. But here's the thing, for years I cannot find God in the Church. I tried personally visiting churches or even watching the mass online but I cannot find Him there. My flawed mind is already telling me that maybe there really is no God and I'm just stuck in the idea of Him. And that's how I started my 2023. Few days in to 2023 and I already lost faith. It was a rough patch but I just continued with life because what choice do I have left? In 2023, things were bad and some were good. I just simply exist and try my best to survive every day. Then one night, He found me. And with that I ended up with the realization that the reason why I cannot find God in churches is because He will be the one to find me...and He found me. And I guess it’s true what they always say, in God’s perfect timing things will be in their proper places. That night, my heart was ready for Him and that’s why He called me. “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

It was just another night of scrolling on my phone and finding something to do because I don’t feel sleepy yet when I decided to watch something on Netflix. The funny thing is, I cannot find something interesting while browsing. I was about to just go back to twitter when I saw that there is a new show added on Netflix and the title was “The Chosen” and I don’t know what made me curious about it but I ended up clicking it anyway and watched it. I truthfully have no idea about this show and I did not even read it’s short description or watch the trailer available, I just decided to go for it….I have nothing else to do anyway. And then, I realized it was about the life of Jesus. At that moment, I already thought of not watching it anymore since I know about it anyway. I am familiar with Jesus because I was raised a Catholic and studied in Catholic schools from kindergarten to high school. I was telling myself, “I already know this, why bother watching?” But, I cannot truly bring myself to stop watching it because the show’s approach is different. It can make any viewer, regardless of religion, become interested. The show was not “preachy” at all. And then the first episode ended with the scene of Jesus telling Mary Magdalene the bible verse I put above this blog post, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” And at that moment, I felt chills in my body. It was as if God Himself is talking to me directly. It was at that moment I have realized God has found me and redeemed me.

Fast forward to today, a few minutes ago while I am working on this blog post I officially turned 28 and somehow, I don’t feel sad at all. For years, I wake up on my birthdays with a heavy heart; instead of celebrating, all I do on my birthday is be depressed. I even wished on my 27th birthday that I hope it was my last because I just cannot handle life anymore but look at me now, still here and I don’t have that heavy feeling in my heart. I guess it’s because God works on me through Jesus. I cannot fully describe it into words the impact that The Chosen had on me. And by reading the comments of other people who watched the show, we all feel that this show has become an avenue for people to become closer to God and for the non-believers who ended up believing, the show was a way for them to know God.

I guess what makes The Chosen different from all the other adaptations of the bible is the humanity it has. The Chosen put humanity in its character, especially in the apostles. Growing up and learning about these people from the bible has always made me feel so small. The people from the bible intimidates me because I feel like I’m too flawed to become a follower of Jesus but The Chosen has shown otherwise. The Chosen may have taken artistic liberty to show us Jesus’ life but it’s the way they put humanity in the characters that made people drawn to it. The way it shows that the apostles were just like us, they were humans too. And God through His Son Jesus, does not call the qualified for He qualifies the called. Jesus was sent here on Earth to bring salvation so that He may save us. And I am grateful for that night because I believe that God called me, chose me, and redeemed me. Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me (John 14:6).

This will be a long journey for me. I know that there will come a time that I will still ask question, I might still stumble, I will still face challenges but this time, the load is not as heavy as before because now I am walking with Jesus. Before 2023 ends, I bought myself a bible. This is my first time buying a bible for myself and I am just excited to get to know God more.

Let me end this blog post with another bible verse: Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).

X,

TinaMae

PS, I will write more blog posts about The Chosen (maybe I’ll do a recap each season)

[tinamaetales]

The Odds Are Never in Our Favor

“There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair” – Taylor Swift, The Great War

It is very rare for me to rewatch a show or movie unless I consider it an all-time favorite. Most of the time if I like something, I will just watch some clips, high lights, or my favorite scenes but I do not really watch the entire show again. However, these days I just cannot find myself the energy to watch a new series or movie; I feel like I am not ready to introduce myself to new characters and new “worlds.” Most of the shows or movies that I started watching, I ended up dropping after a few episodes. For movies, lately I have been finding myself browsing through twitter or tiktok after about 20 to 30 minutes into the movie. I just do not have the energy and I do not know why. Then suddenly, my tiktok fyp was filled with Hunger Games content. At first, I got curious as to why it is trending again then upon checking, I realized that all the four films are now available on Netflix and sometime this year a prequel will be released. And since I am familiar with this series, I decided to watch it again – all four movies.

I was 16 years old when the first Hunger Games movie was released. Since it was trending on social media, I decided to watch it with my friends. I have no background about the series, I did not even watch its trailer so I have no idea what to expect. And obviously, I have not read the books (until now, please do not hold it against me). At that time, I just view it as another dystopian genre film. I ended up liking it and I also watched the next three movies from the series. I liked the film but it did not really resonate with me. After I watched the last film, my thoughts were just this: It sucks that it happened to them but at least it made them stronger and now they are free. Looking back, I realized how tone deaf I was. But then for someone as young and naïve as me during those times, I feel like I should forgive my younger self for not having the kind of empathy I should have, right? I was 16 when I watched the first film and I was 19 when I watched the final film of the series (basically the same ages as Katniss when she volunteered as tribute and when the war was over) and back then I do not have the same knowledge and life experiences that I have now. I guess it is true when they said that people change because I did change and it is because I have been through so much from the last 8 years that my perspective in life and me in general have changed drastically. And after watching the Hunger Games series again, I have found a new appreciation for it….and has, in some way, installed a different sense of fear in me.

Art imitates life. Life imitates art.

There was a phrase I came across online (I cannot remember where I read it, though) that says “Remember kids, the next time somebody tells you ‘The government would not do that’ oh yes, they would” and I cannot help but associate it with The Hunger Games. The plot of the Hunger Games can be summarized this way: the government uses violence to instill fear so they can control the people. In this series, a country called Panem has 12 districts and they are being governed by the Capitol. As a way of punishing the people from the rebellion that happened years ago, they have this survival game called “The Hunger Games” in which each district must offer a boy and a girl, called as tribute, to represent their district. In the Hunger Games, the tributes must fight each other to death as there is only one winner or “victor” And while the idea itself is already horrendous, one will be shocked with the way people from the Capitol find it entertaining. For the people in the Capitol, the Hunger Games is not a brutal way of having kids from each district fight each other to death but a reality game show held every year for their entertainment. It seems like for them, the Hunger Games is a normal part of their lives. It is entertaining because they are not the victims. It is entertaining because they are the spectators and the children involved are meant to provide them entertainment. It feels like it is a sporting event wherein the audience does not care if the athletes get hurt because it is part of “their job” And while the idea of Hunger Games seem to be only possible in the fictional world, I cannot help but think how in some ways it could happen…. or it already happened?

In school, history is my favorite subject. As a young kid in school, I treated history as an interesting subject but I never really immersed myself with the moral lessons we can learn from the events from the past. I find the stories of people from the past interesting but I lack the empathy to fully understand how these events have changed the course of the world. And now as a young adult, reading history books would often give me the feeling of discomfort like there is something sharp stuck in my chest. Really crazy how life can make you experience the worst just so you can have the character development you desperately need. But the thing is, I am not the only one who acted like this. In fact, there are a lot of people who do not even find studying history interesting. It is not easy to keep on looking back when you have the present to live and conquer, right? Yet, if we do not look back and learn from the mistakes of the past then the cycle would not end. Like what the famous Filipino historian, Ambeth Ocampo, said: History does not repeat itself, it is we who repeat it and such words are true. One could argue that the Hunger Games is impossible in real life but there are a lot of events from the past that already proved otherwise. Remember the Gladiators? During those times in the Roman Empire, people called as the gladiators (most of them are slaves or criminals) are put into the Colosseum to fight each other to death just like in The Hunger Games wherein tributes were put in one location so they can fight each other to death and all these battles are happening while the rich people watch as if it was an entertainment show, totally ignoring that people are dying for their entertainment. In the present time, maybe we can say that the possibility of the Hunger Games is impossible but is it really? Does it really have to be a direct copy of what was written in the books for us to realize how close we are to becoming like Panem? I do not think so.

I can remember how people, especially from my own country, would advocate for the reinstatement of the death penalty so that people would be afraid to commit crimes. While there is a part of me that understands where they are coming from, I must disagree with them. I disagree because I am aware of how crooked the justice system in my country is; justice is reserved for the rich and the privileged and in the end, the poor and the marginalized are the ones who will suffer. When most of my fellow countrymen seemed unbothered by the war on drugs, it was the time I realized how easy it is for people to advocate for something, let us say violence, when they are not the ones affected by it. I find it disgusting that instead of proper judicial procedure, the authorities have resorted to killing the people who they suspect to be drug dealers/ drug users. I find it disgusting that instead of addressing the problem of addiction, killing is the solution they imposed. What happened to rehabilitation? What happened to giving everyone an equal opportunity to defend themselves in court? Another example I can think of is when the innocent civilians, especially the women and children, suffered the most when the US invaded Iraq as a response to what happened on 9/11. I truly understand the sentiment for revenge as many people have died during 9/11 but I feel like the actions following it were not moral at all. Yes, people have died during 9/11 and they deserve justice but does it have to be in the way it was handled? It somehow mirrors what President Coin wanted after they had won against President Snow and the Capitol, to hold a symbolic Hunger Games featuring the children of the capitol. I just find it appalling and disgusting to let the innocent suffer in the war orchestrated by the oppressors.

The gray area

The first time I watched the Hunger Games series, I liked Gale because he was the “best friend” of Katniss. I liked him because he was someone she can rely on especially when she went to compete at the Hunger Games and Gale was the one who provided for Katniss’ family. But as the series progressed, I knew that it has always been Peeta and Katniss. And even though I liked the best friend guy, I am team Peeta. Peeta is just the man, you know? He is THE standard. 

As I mentioned, it was tiktok that made me become interested in rewatching the series. But what intrigued me is the amount of people on the app who hate Gale. Sometimes I feel like they hate Gale more than Snow and Coin and I do not like that. So here is my opinion about Gale Hawthorne:

Not everything should be taken into black and white. There are what we call the gray areas and that is what I think Gale belongs to. We know that in every story there are the heroes and the villains. The heroes are the good ones while the villains are the bad ones. But what about those in between? English is not my mother language so forgive me if I am not using the word anti-hero properly but that is how I would like to describe Gale even though he is a supporting character in the series and not a main one. You see, Gale is also from district 12 and has been a close friend of Katniss for years. I guess they grew up together and the hardship they endured in living in district 12 is what bonded them. What most people forget is Gale is a kid too, just like Katniss and Peeta. And while we can all argue about how at least Katniss and Peeta turned out good despite everything they have been through, I believe that Gale should also be given the same amount of empathy. He was a victim of the system too. And, we all have different ways to respond in similar situations. Gale might not have experienced the traumatic hunger games like the protagonists but he also experiences something traumatizing. I mean, district 12 was bombed and wiped out by the Capitol, it was his home! He saw the evil ways of the Capitol with his own eyes and while he was not able to save everyone, he did try his best to save as many as he could. What he experienced at the hands of the Capitol is something that should not be taken lightly. Like I said, he was also just a kid. All he wanted is for his loved ones to survive and for the rebellion to succeed because only in ending the tyrannical rule of President Snow can we see the end of the years of suffering of the oppressed. And when you are at war, there really is no distinction between the sinners and the saints, right? For people like Gale, they must do whatever it takes just to make sure that they succeed by all means possible. In war, there really are no real winners, everyone loses. Just like what Taylor Swift said, “There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair” But let me also point out that I am in no way justifying the killings during war, what I am just trying to point out is that why are we so pressed to put the blame on Gale when it was President Coin who ordered the bombings? Gale was a kid who got entangled in a war against the oppressors and in his mind, the end justifies the means and who taught him that? It was the system of the Hunger Games brought by the Capitol. So why are we so hard on a kid whose mindset was a result of the years of oppression and fighting back by whatever means necessary is the only way he knows how? If we can extend a little amount of sympathy for some villains, why can’t we do the same for “anti-heroes” like Gale? He was a victim too.  

If we are so eager to put all the blame on Gale, then what about the career tributes? For the career tributes, killing is just part of the games because they were conditioned to that kind of mindset. They were even trained at special academies to ensure that their districts will always win the games. The career tributes sort of reminded me of the young men, mostly those who just turned 18, who were drafted to fight in the war. Or I guess the closer example I could think of was the Hitler Youth wherein they “brainwashed” the children into the ideology they wanted to instill and, in this way, they were able to gain a strong control of the youth who will all eventually become soldiers during World War II. Looking back, we could see that the establishment of the Hitler Youth was effective in recruiting young people into believing the same sick ideology of Hitler. Their young minds were indoctrinated with the Nazi philosophy. It was scary to think how tyrants would take advantage of the young minds to further their oppressive agenda. After all, a person who was conditioned in a certain belief at such a young age is easier to control. Just like the careers, they were raised to believe in a romanticized version of violence and killing is just part of the game. It was as if they were taught that the life of others, those who are different from them, are cheap. 

At the end of the day, the careers and people like Gale were all just victims of the system. I do not think it is right to put all the blame on them. These are kids who were indoctrinated with a romanticized version of survival which involves violence. So, if we are so keen in hating them for the decisions they make, then it is just proof that the oppressors’ ways are effective because instead of blaming them, we blame the youth. I did not like how some people would say “Yes, the kids were victims of the system but it was their decision to volunteer at the games….it was their decision to kill others…” No, it was not really the case. People who were conditioned in a “cult-like” mentality lack the rationality to know whether something was good or not. As I keep on mentioning, they were raised in a different kind of mentality and they were exposed in an environment that romanticizes the use of violence. Just like what Haymitch said, “Remember who the real enemy is” And it was President Snow. It was never the youth. 

If we burn, you burn with us

The Capitol’s stronghold of the districts was effective because they used the divide and conquer strategy. They made the districts become each other’s enemies through the hunger games so they have become divided instead of united in fighting the real enemy - President Snow. Moreover, the exploitation of people’s fear became an advantage for the Capitol. They have instilled in the people’s mind that disobedience would result in brutal punishment; the Capitol depended on using violence as a tool to make people obey them. It is not just a division of the citizens through the districts but also a division between the people in the Capitol and the people from the districts. Capitol citizens live inside a “bubble” where they find the hunger games entertaining. Of course, one will not see a problem about something that does not affect them. What I find surprising about the people from the Capitol is how they reacted angrily and even wanted to cancel the games when Peeta announced that Katniss is “pregnant” because suddenly they find the games brutal…..suddenly, they care about the innocent baby that can die during the games….suddenly, they care about life. They started caring when an unborn fetus is involved and not when the government is putting 24 children in an arena to fight each other to death. Sounds familiar, right?

It is the divisiveness of the citizens that allows oppression to thrive but once they wake up and decide enough is enough, they can become a force to reckon with. In every revolution, I would like to believe that there are people who are already wanting to break free from the oppressive rule but they just needed a certain spark or a symbol that can inspire them to unite and fight together, the people of Panem found it in Katniss.

While brainstorming over how I can discuss Katniss’ Mockingjay in this blog post, I suddenly remembered my own country’s version of it through Jose Rizal and Andres Bonifacio. My country was under Spanish rule for more than 300 years and suffered greatly. My own people were treated like slaves in our own country. There have been attempts or acts of resistance but they were not as big, as organized, and as influential as the Katipunan founded by Andres Bonifacio. And what led to it? Books. Jose Rizal wrote two novels reflecting the Filipino society of his time, Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo. Those books are said to have inspired Bonifacio to create the Katipunan. And it was the Katipunan that helped the nation to find its voice and fight for its freedom. The act of resistance led by Bonifacio started when they, Katipunan members, tore their cedulas in the infamous cry of Pugad Lawin. This became the first steps towards the fight for freedom.    

The road towards the revolution with the Mockingjay as its main driving symbol was a small unconscious act of defiance that awakened the people of Panem. At first, I thought it was when Katniss and Peeta decided to eat the night berries at the same time so that there would be no winner at the 74th Hunger Games which sent Seneca into panic and just announced that they are the winners but then it was not it. The small unconscious act of defiance happened when Katniss laid down Rue’s body after she was killed and surrounded it with flowers because that one simple gesture from her showed empathy. That gesture showed how people from different districts should not see each other as enemies because they are all victims of oppression. And with Katniss showing that she has empathy for Rue, it awakened the hearts of the people of Panem. After the Hunger Games, people from different districts started to show their own ways of defying the capitol especially with painting the Mockingjay symbol in public areas. Those events made President Snow act towards removing the symbol of hope, Katniss, but not in an obvious way since she has become a favorite in the Capitol; Snow decided that for the quarter quell, they will choose the tributes from the pool of victors in each district and in this way, he secured Katniss’ death as she is the only female victor from district 12. But I guess he overestimated Katniss and underestimated the other victors. You see, Katniss never wanted to be the Mockingjay or the symbol of the revolution; she just wanted to keep her loved ones safe. But in sending all the previous victors into the 75th Hunger Games, it awakened the others. When they held hands after the interviews, it showed how when the oppressed unite and fight back together, they can end oppression. Pretty ironic because it was Snow who said, “Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous” and it was that hope that ignited the fire in the people to fight back. It is when the people realize their strength through being united that allows them to shake the system.

And like any tyrant, President Snow resorted to double up the violence and manipulate the people more through using the media to further his propaganda. When he felt like the people were getting stronger, he inclined towards using more violence. He keeps on preaching about law and order and how the people, or as he called them the rebels, are the “bad ones” because they instigate chaos. And when it comes down to the final “showdown” between the hero and the villain, Katniss ends up shooting Coin instead of Snow. But Snow was killed by the mob. I find it symbolic and justified. Katniss as the Mockingjay ensures that as the Snow regime falls, someone else’s rise to power, Coin, will be prevented. The revolution won not just with Snow’s downfall but also with the prevention of another tyrant on the rise to power. By removing Snow and Coin in the picture, a true new chapter for Panem is guaranteed. The people won but their way towards victory was paid for by the blood of those who died and it is now up to them, it is now in their hands to make sure that the blood that was shed will not be wasted. In the end, Katniss acted on Coin’s words “May her arrow signify the end of tyranny and the beginning of a new era.” Because it truly was a beginning of a new era for Panem.

No winners, just survivors

What makes Katniss different from the other protagonists/heroes is that she was never the “chosen one” She was more of a hero by coincidence and by the people’s choice. All she wanted was to keep her sister safe; she never really imagined that in showing empathy for Rue, and defying the rules of the game (night berries) would lead her towards becoming the Mockingjay. Katniss is an underdog story. She was never the special kind. She was never the “best” among her fellow tributes. In fact, the careers are even highly skilled compared to her. She was not the “chosen one” because of destiny but because people chose her to be. They find a certain kind of awakening and relevance with her which makes the Mockingjay symbol become effective. Even in the climactic battle in the Capitol, she was not the one who win it all for them. Bombs exploded twice and then the next thing we see is the people have won against the Capitol and Snow was captured and is now just waiting for his execution. Katniss may have shot an arrow to Coin to prevent another tyrant on the rise but that was it. After all the chaos, Katniss went back to district 12 alone. And by being alone in district 12, she finally got the chance to face the aftermath of everything that happened to her since she volunteered for the 74th Hunger Games. And her dealing with trauma was heartbreaking to watch. This is what sets Katniss and the Hunger Games series apart from the other stories of the same genre. It was not a happy ever after type of ending. It was realistic. Painful yet truthful.

The series have taught me that war is nothing but destructions. There is no reason to sugarcoat the victory of the good ones against the bad ones because in war, there are really no winners, just survivors. And most of the survivors must live the rest of their life dealing with trauma and sometimes, guilt. Katniss described it best when she told her child “Did you had a nightmare? I have nightmares too. Someday, I’ll explain it to you, why they came, why they will never go away. But I’ll tell you how I survive it. I make a list in my head, of all the good things I have seen someone do, every little thing I can remember. It is like a game and I do it over and over. It gets a little tedious after all these years but… there are much worse games to play…” because these words are an accurate representation of how some wounds can never fully heal. Yes, there are better days but the pain will always be there; sometimes, we just have to accept how to live with pain. Years have passed and Katniss was able to build a family of her own with Peeta but the scars from the past will always be there. And you know what makes this truly heartbreaking? Both Katniss and Peeta were just teenagers when it all started. They were just kids who ended up scarred for life. Now, I can’t help but think about all of the children in war zones having to live this kind of reality. While for some of us the war is just a part of the history or something that we read about in fiction books or watch in movies and series, for others it is their reality. It is frustrating and heartbreaking to know that the kind of atrocities shown in the movies and in the books are happening in real life.

 x,

TinaMae

 PS, I never expected this to be this long but somehow, I feel like I still did not fully discuss everything about the Hunger Games series. Maybe I’ll write a part 2 of this someday (but I will focus on other characters like Effie, Haymitch, Finnick...)

[tinamaetales]

You’re on your own, kid

“Life is emotionally abusive“ - Taylor Swift, Snow at the Beach

I am no stranger to adversity; things have never been good to me since I was young and now that I’m an adult, being in chaos seems to be an equivalent to being at home. Chaos is home. And it sucks because life should not be that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say that life should not have any difficulties but what I am trying to point out is life is not fair for everyone. While others get to recover and heal, there are people like me who falls deeper and deeper into rock bottom; it seems like no matter how hard you try, you just can’t win. 

This blog post might end up as trauma dumping but idc. I do not have anyone to tell things....not even family or friends so I decided to just unload my emotions here. 

There was a tiny spark of hope in me when 2023 started. I thought I could make this year my year. My plans for 2023 was actually simple:

1.) Fix my relationship with God.

2.) Work on acknowledging my emotions and expressing them instead of bottling it all up.

3.) Recover financially.

4.) Go back to therapy.

I thought that in 2023 I can start my recovery process but since it’s me that is not possible, at all. Few days into 2023 and my life is already fucked. I cannot believe that until now I still have to suffer the consequences of someone else’s actions. It sucks how my father was given the liberty to fuck around and then made me, my mom and sister suffer the consequences. So now I have all this burden to carry and not have someone to depend on. Not even family. Not even my friends. Not even God. In the end, I only have me. Taylor Swift’s right when she said “You’re on your own, kid. You always have been”

When things get overwhelming, I have this habit of isolating myself from the rest of the world and obsessively find myself something to hold on to. Lately if I’m not watching Miami Heat games, I watch series or rewatch iKON contents. Miami Heat games, iKON music and other related contents, music from Taylor Swift, EXO, 5 Seconds of Summer, series and docus on Netflix are my safe haven; they provided me this kind of safe space that no one else can. Investing myself way too much in them makes me forget my problems. However, you cannot fully shut down the world from yourself right? I still have to leave that space from time to time and good Lord it’s so exhausting facing the real world.

Lately, I have been watching this show that seems to challenge me mentally and emotionally because I can see myself in most of the characters. The show is called BoJack Horseman. It was so difficult for me to get through some of the episode not because it was bad, the show was actually well written, but because it gets so real at times. And, sometimes facing the truth is really difficult. I’m on season 2 now (it has six seasons), and I plan to finish this until the end. I guess there’s a reason why I ended up watching this show; maybe I need to learn how to face the truth as well as I need to learn how to actually work on making myself better. Let’s just see if there will be progress for me.

I have absolutely no intention of opening this account today and even writing something so I guess that explains why this entire blog post looks like a collection of paragraphs that were only put together so I can trauma dump lol. Anyway, I want to end this by sharing some quotes from the show: 

"The universe is a cruel, uncaring void, The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead."

“That’s the thing. I don’t think I believe in deep-down. I kinda think that all you are is just the things that you do.”

x,

TinaMae

[tinamaetales]

Season 27

“How did I go from growing up to breaking down?” - Taylor Swift, Nothing New

Birthday celebrations often include making a wish before blowing the candles on the birthday cake and it is this tradition that I tend to look forward to every birthday celebration I have. When I was younger I used to wish for material things like a barbie doll, doll house, shoes, and clothes. But as time passes by, the wishes change. During my teen years, I wished for my favorite NBA team to always win the championship, concert tickets, and to meet my favorite celebrities. As a young adult my birthday wish became one thing only: money. But for my twenty-seventh birthday, I simply cannot make a wish. Suddenly, something came to my mind, “Please let this be my last” and then I blew the candle. 

Pretty sad, right? Well, I have always struggled with finding joy in my life. With the kind of life I have lived, I don’t think it should come off as a surprise. To give a brief background, I have an emotionally abusive father and this is the very reason as to why I strongly believe that not everyone should be a parent. And he has done a lot of stuff in which we have to suffer the consequences (and I find it so unfair because why on bloody earth do I have to suffer the consequences of someone else’s actions? Fck it). I went from being hopeful to just fully accepting that my life is headed to rock bottom before I even have the chance to fight for it. And now that I am twenty seven years old, I don't even feel a spark of hope. I tried faking it, optimism, but I really cannot bring myself into believing that I actually can survive this. I think I have more breakdowns than moments of peace. And now I am just so tired. 

Before 2022 ends, I made a vow to myself that I will try to fix my life in 2023. The first aspect that I wanted to work on is my faith and relationship with God. Next is my mental health. At new year’s eve, I was kinda hopeful but then I realized that I was just faking it….because you know what they say, fake it till you make it. But I just couldn’t. Twelve days into 2023 and I have not made progress. In fact, I feel like I became more depressed than ever. This is really tiring. Honestly, I have no idea how long I can hold on. Is season 27 my last on earth? Lol.

Let me end this blog post by sharing one of my favorite quotes from Lucifer, “People don’t arrive broken. They start with passion and yearning till something comes along that disabuses them of those notions”

x,

TinaMae

[tinamaetales]

In a few days I will be turning 27; my Lord, no offense but I really hope this will be my last birthday.

[tinamaetales]

I AM A DERRY GIRL!

I make mistakes, please embrace me with the excuse of youth – iKON

Being young feels so liberating, right? Youth tends to give a person a special kind of power which makes one feel like anything is possible. But the truth is, you are not powerful, you just feel like it – especially when you are a teenager. Teenagers tend to feel like the whole world is theirs to conquer and I like that kind of attitude because it reminds me of hope. And, I was once like that. As a teenager, I was filled with a crazy sense of optimism that I, together with the rest of my generation, can make this world better. During my teen years, I feel as if every single opinion I can formulate is important and I demand to be heard. But sometimes, that is all there is – passion, optimism, and youthfulness, and then you become an adult. And you realized that things in life are never easy and will never be. And sometimes it is okay not to become that achiever that you wanted to be because not everyone can. Our teen years is a special phase in our life meant for us to discover who we want to be and whether you left your teen years a winner or a loser, it is fine because somehow those years of your life contributed to shaping who you are. You may not know everything as a teenager but it does not mean that you know nothing. And that is why I love the Derry Girls; this sitcom was able to show a more accurate depiction of teenagers while being educational about the troubles in the 90s Northern Ireland (well, that is the case for me as I am from Asia and before watching this show, I have no idea about what happened to their country so I find this show educational as well as eye opening). Also, Derry Girls’ humor is top notch.

 Derry Girls is a mini-series/sitcom on Netflix that follows the life of five teenagers from Derry: the cousins Erin and Orla, Michelle and her British cousin James, and Claire during the latter years of The Troubles. And while their country is experiencing unrest due to decades of conflicts, life goes on for them. Life goes on because the kind of environment they live in has forced them to pursue a different kind of normalcy for them to survive. Raids, bombings, presence of military – all of these tend to become just a normal part of their lives and for ordinary teenagers like our Derry Girls (and a wee English lad), you really have no other choice but to just get the bloody hell on with it and live your life. Because sometimes that is just how you survive, right? When there are so many things happening around you, there are also a lot of things you are fighting within you, inside of you, especially when you are a teenager. When you are a teenager, you are in that phase of discovering your identity and it helps having people around you who are also experiencing the same thing. There is a unique sense of solidarity when you go on a journey of discovery together with the people you can relate to the most. And as Claire said it, "Well I am not being individual on me own"

I used to think that for a series to be successful, it must have many seasons so the characters and the plot would have a great development. However, years of binge-watching different series made me think otherwise. Sometimes, the longer the series, the duller it gets. So, when I watched Derry Girls and saw that it only has 3 seasons and a total of 19 episodes, I really do not know what to expect. I feel like it would be too short and I will not be able to feel some attachment with the characters but I am happy that I was wrong. First episode of this show and I already know that I am going to love it and I did! I love how the characters were introduced and how the plot develops. And I love how this one does not need an over-the-top plot line to follow and yet it will get you hooked. As mentioned earlier, Derry Girls follows the story of the five teenagers from Londonderry. They are all studying at an all-girls Catholic school and as they begin a new semester, the squad of four girls became a 5-member squad when Michelle’s cousin, James, moved to Derry from England. He was enrolled at the same school despite being a boy for safety reasons (he is an English fella so they think it is not safe for him to enroll to an all-boys school). What I love the most about their squad is that all of them are ordinary teenagers; no one is an over achiever genius or a popular kid or a member of a varsity team or a stereotypical version of a school outcast that we usually see in most teen series or movies. The kids are just ordinary teenagers dealing with usual teenager stuff like crushes, home works, teachers, parents, self-esteem, and dreams. And that is when I feel that this show would mean a lot to me.

Cliques tend to be more popular in school set up, right? Especially during high school years. Cliques like popular kids, nerds, athletes, and outcasts are seem to be a normal scenario in most schools. But what about those who do not really have a clique? Yes, there are people like me who tend to not belong to any of those cliques but it also does not make me an outcast (I hope I am able to word this out properly, sorry English is not my first language). That is where Derry Girls enters. These are the kids who are just ordinary but their struggles should not be undermined. One of my favorite episodes from this series is when they all stayed up all night to study for their test and yet they did not even study enough because most of the time that is what happens when teenagers do a sleepover to study but time is not on their side. It even got to a point when they thought they saw an apparition and used it as an excuse to not take the exam. Another episode that I like is from the pilot when they get detention for attempted bullying. What sent them into detention is when they wanted to act tough but failed to do so, hence it was not bullying but just attempted bullying lol. (Bonus part: I love how the younger kid, Tina, stood up to them and the whole, “Do I have to accept their apology?” thing haha just brilliant scene execution). Also, another episode that I like is when they sneak out to watch a concert only for them to end up in the same bus as Sister Michael. And in writing this blog post, I cannot help but have some internal debate with myself as to what episode from this series stand out the most because I feel like each episode is brilliant on its own. I have watched all 3 seasons of this show twice and now I am slowly realizing that I can see pieces of myself in those 5 kids and I guess anyone who will watch this show would too.

The five Derry Girls (yes, because even the English fella is a DERRY GIRL!) are Erin, Orla, Claire, Michelle, and James. Their parents are also classmates when they were young so the connection is deep among them (of course aside from the fact that Erin and Orla are cousins as well as Michelle and James). Erin is the ambitious kid who is passionate about writing and sometimes a bit too self-righteous. Her cousin Orla on the other hand is eccentric yet confident in her own skin. Claire is the voice of reason but most of the time the anxiety manifestation of the group. She is also the studious one in the group. Michelle is the wild child of the group. Often, she puts everyone in trouble. And then there’s James the wee English fella. Despite the feelings of disdain (for lack of better words) towards him because he’s English, James is a respectful, kind, and reliable friend. In the typical high school themed series or movies, these characters would become as follows: Erin the editor in chief of the school’s paper, Claire the valedictorian and would go to Harvard or Yale, Orla the weirdo, Michelle the hot and popular kid, and James the famous transferee. But thankfully, they were not written that way. And that is what makes the show relatable. I love the way the series has shown the ordinary life of middle-class teenagers – both the struggle and fun of being one. And while not everything can go exactly like you wanted to, it is okay because that is how life should be. Life is all about trying despite losing. You cannot always win but you can always try again. That is my main takeaway from this show. We have our youth to make mistakes and learn from it. But we also have our youth to have fun and discover who we are – the identity, potential, and dreams in life. Let me end this blog post by sharing one of my favorite lines from the series, this one’s from Erin: And if our dreams get broken along the way….we have to make new ones from the pieces.

x,

TinaMae

PS I am definitely an Orla with Claire’s anxiety and Erin’s passion with a side of Michelle’s IDGAF attitude and a sprinkler of James’ friendliness. I guess it is safe to say that I am also a Derry Girl?

[tinamaetales]

Ratings for the series I have watched from 2020-2022

I have 2 (or 3) long blog posts to put here but since I cannot find the time to finish them, I decided to post random stuff. Here are some Western Series I have watched since 2020 and how I rate them lol 

Sitcoms are not included since I decided to have a separate blog post for it.

How to get away with murder = 7/10

Gossip Girl = 3/10 (only watched season 1, did not like it)

Emily in Paris = 3/10 (only watched season 1 coz too corny sorry)

Bridgerton season 1 = 7/10

American Horror Story (since it’s an anthology, I’ll rate per season)

1) Murder House = 8/10

2) Asylum = 9/10

3) Coven = 8/10

4) Freak Show = 7.5/10

5) Hotel = 6/10

6) Roanoke = 5.5/10

7) Cult = 8.5/10

8) Apocalypse = 7/10

9) 1984 = 9/10

10) Double Feature = Part 1 RED TIDE – 7/10 

(I don’t have the strength to watch part 2 season 10 and they said it has season 11 now? I don’t feel like watching this anymore, we had a good run)

Anne with an E = 10/10

Sherlock =  9/10

Call my Agent! (Dix por cent) = 8/10

Money Heist (La Casa de Papel) = 9/10

Bridgerton season 2 = 8/10

Queen’s Gambit – 10/10 

Lucifer – 9/10

The Sandman (season 1) = 9/10

Locke and Key - 6/10

Young Royals - 5/10

Lupin - 8/10

Wednesday - 9/10