#what if i hurt myself and the fandom some more :)))

[bartholomewls]

first and foremost, hey lunar! it's been a while. unfortunate to find your tumblr like this, but, well, here we are.

i'm the person who previously identified as vamp_shy in multiple places, and i was a mod for bloodweave brainrot nearly since its inception. i wrote quite a few fics for the fandom in the pretty early days, including farewell wanderlust. i met a lot of my new friends because the server. i met the person who, soon, is going to be becoming my wife.

mj was trying to undermine me as a person and as a moderator very, very early on, but their accusations of my behavior later on made me legitimately scared to stay anywhere near this fandom in a public sense.

i had formed a lot of the original groundwork for the nsfw parts of the server before, from what i understand, things fell the fuck apart. i always tried to foster as much inclusivity and positivity while minimizing things that could harm others as much as possible, and a lot of my drive was to be inclusive of marginalized identities, *especially* trans people, considering i am one myself (yeah, they tried to lie about this too, before you ask).

i, and the mod team, made a genuine mistake in some of our phrasing in an announcement regarding a situation involving those exact morals centering around trans people. considering most of the mod team was part of if not some, almost all of those minorities, we all felt guilty for the way it had ended up working out and the words we had chosen because they did hurt people, even if they had been said trying to do the right thing and protect many members of the community that had come forward to disclose their discomfort about this group.

in an attempt to appease mj, i was thrown under the bus entirely and blamed for a majority of the situation, despite having made the announcement with multiple mods involved. this happened during one of the most stressful parts of my life, and after the mistake had happened, mj was damn well going to hold it against me, not to mention try to manipulate my partner about it.

they grew close with my partner and took advantage of their ability to trust in the good of others and their want to make new friends, likely as an attempt to get more closely involved with moderation of the community, since the mods had all already agreed that mj should never be allowed to become one. they fed my partner lie after lie about *so* many things, including but not limited to:

- the character of others

- the motives of other moderators

- possibly making edits of multiple screenshots to manipulate situations further

- me and *my* character, including implying that i was actively trying to abuse my partner and did not want to take accountability for the situation above. as someone who had only recently gotten out of an abusive relationship, this stung the most. it nearly worked. had i not shown my partner my conversations i had been having with mj and we had not started comparing discrepencies, i would have lost him entirely. i cared so, so deeply about the community and tried to uplift trans voices every step of the way, but they actively tried to spread the idea that i was lying about being trans and was, in fact, trying to do the very thing their group had been accused of: being trans fetishists.

- their relationship status with one of the other moderators. by the way mj, what the fuck were you thinking? that mod is ace/aro and *also* just excited to make friends, and the shit that you told my partner and other people was fucking revolting. they were a kind person that you tried to manipulate, seemingly only for sexual benefit, and you are Fucking Married. you do not deserve your partner the way that you have spoken about them privately to multiple people while you actively tried to pursue relationships with other people.

- that they had permission to take multiple people's ocs for their own writing purposes. this is also one of the more weird points?? they actively plagarized quite a few people in the community, including myself and quite a bit of the mod team, and seem to have taken a lot of these popular ocs purely to add to their own clout-goblin activities.

- that no one in the mod team was part of any minority, and that we were actively trying to stomp out the trans people in our community

- that their own partner was abusive for literally just being autistic. no, i am not kidding, this is something they actively said.

these are just the things that happened while i was still present in the server, which i left, by the way, because the harrassment had grown so bad i was actively considering taking my life in response because i was terrified of how far this person would be willing to go in order to try to ruin my reputation online and my relationships.

by the way? the moderation team knew about all of this very, very early on and knew that mj was a problem, and did nothing about it, despite receiving all of the evidence from my partner and i and actively spectating their behavior in the server, and did nothing until it apparently became Literally Illegal. i do believe some of the moderation that was brought in in the later waves was in mj's pocket to try to manipulate the server, despite never applying to become a moderator to begin with. they knew of the harrassment that was happening against me, my friends, and others, and did *nothing* to stop it because they were afraid of the publicity it might induce. they also wiped all of my documentation i had left behind of this situation in the server as soon as i left, clearly never intending to use it in the first place. to the moderators still present, especially the ones that had been there since the beginning? you did this. you let this happen. there are some mods that tried to stop it, including myself and my partner, but we were actively *denied* the ability to fix any of this situation and stop it before more people got hurt. it didn't have to go this far, but it was actively allowed to happen because of fear of their group and how actively popular their work is.

i use this word very sparingly, but i do think mj is a genuine monster. you stepped into a community centered on positivity, kindness, and uplifting the voices of marginalized people and tried to poison it, all in the name of popularity. for someone who actively bragged about being marginalized, including being a "generational queer" (genuinely what the fuck is this supposed to represent, you don't see other people bragging about having queer parents, what is your Deal??????), you managed to take some of the most marginalized of the community and show to them that it was unsafe, especially at your own hands.

mj, i know you're reading this because you are a never-ending clout demon who only gives a shit about their own reputation and pleasure, i mean this sincerely: get help. you are so far down this tunnel, and you have done a great deal of digging it yourself. the world is not out to get you in the way that you think, and it by no means ever justifies the pain you have inflicted on other people with your lies and manipulation. i don't know what you had against me, and i don't know if you were trying to ruin my relationship to be with my partner, i can't even pretend to understand what the fuck is going on with you. you were older than almost all of us, and yet this is the way you acted. this is not how *anyone* should behave, especially if they're in a queer community, nevertheless one about Two Abused Characters. this wasn't even a fully comprehensive list of the things you did. i, by no means, do not claim to be a perfect or blameless person by far, but you sure seem hellbent in portraying that for yourself. just get help, man, jesus christ

Bloodweave Community

There is an insidious person in the BW fandom. You may think I’m close to him, but I’ve never been. I played along because I mistakenly thought I was wrong about him. Then countless people started revealing their own stories. He is the most vocal and EVERYWHERE. It’s a smokeshow.

In DMs, he tears people down, shares other's secrets, pushes for private information like addresses/cell numbers. He accuses others of bigotry and cruelty then acts the victim the moment someone disagrees. He smiles at you and then shits on you the moment your back is turned.

I’m not trying to start rumors, I’m trying to warn people. DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION. I have a wealth of screenshots that I’ve been collecting for over a year of increasingly disgusting behavior. Due to recent escalated events, I’m no longer going to be silent. He is a blight in our community. Excise him.

[inkskinned]

you know, you know. no gods, no masters, no kings on pedestals. everyone is fallible. death of the author. you know! you are balanced about your intake of media - you allow the wiggle room, the grace, the gratitude, the skepticism. nobody above criticism.

but still. a weird gut-punch feeling, something akin to betrayal. you read the article. surprise! an author you love is actually: a serial fucking predator.

well, shit. what now. no, you knew he was a person (all people are), but now you're wondering - what have i overlooked by accident? what messages have i internalized that are strange and cruel? and also, like, what the fuck?

his actions lay a thick glaze on top of everything. like each place is now ruined, opaque in a new way. but okay, fine, you've done this before. you knew better, right? you've been betrayed by many a cherished childhood author.

still, this stickiness. fuck. can you pick up that book again. will you read it to your children. you've recommended it to others - will you ever do that again? and of course, of course, no parasocial relationships. you were theoretically above this kind of sentiment. but the artist informs the art, right.

so it's not something as clear-cut as feeling he owed you, specifically (a stranger) better behavior - just that you kind of, in a distant and odd way... sort of trusted him to do better. it's not like a real trust or something speakable, just the faint hope that the product (good books) was a thin representation of the soul. now it feels like the product (good? books?) was a mask. in some small or insignificant way, your previous support of this person lent them power. your money and your time and your laughter.

and the thing is - you have this terrible, echoing sensation. how many times will this happen? over and over. you find out that the singer you love is actually a predator. you learn over drinks that your favorite high school english teacher is in jail for what he did to her. you listen to the news idly and suddenly discover that a woman you used to idolize has been abusing her kids for an actual eon.

what can you touch without the static melting off. you can't even really complain about it too much (you were supposed to know better, and besides, you don't want the same re-split "it's not your fault, love what you love" basic advice), but now it's here. somehow, it feels like - you let him into your life.

it's not that things need to be pure or an artist has to be like, endlessly perfect, mindful. demure. it's more just this terrible truth that has been replayed through your veins so often it feels criminally vain. power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. did you want any one person to be worth that power?

it's just that he wrote books where he seemed to understand that. he seemed to know about hierarchies and unfair systems and bigotry and privilege. you thought they were books about what it means to struggle. you thought they were about having power and still using it for good rather than for control. he spooned you a narrative of being a good guy, a kind soul. you fucking bought what that fucking monster sold.

maybe that's why they were fantasies, after all.

[penguinpartypalooza]

I'm taking my life back. You can't hurt me anymore.

[nonoqy]

i feel like i didn't really say anything publicly which makes me sound maybe too harsh at times but this is where i'm at. sorry i was too lazy to retype all of this so i'm just sharing screenies of my thoughts !

[wangquan-fugui]

do it 🌹🌹🌹

He pulls his meager robes aside and drops to his knees, extending his arms in a formal bow, his head not yet touching the ground. Bixia has not asked him to grovel, so he complies with just this first. “This lowly one begs Your Majesty’s forgiveness,” he demurs, eyes lowered to the ground, “he has grown up in the martial world and is lacking in proper education.”

wip: ep 39 tag what if the emperor reacted more extremely..?

ask game

[sysig]

Physical media is forever (Patreon)

[irritablepoe]

You know what's fucking stupid? The little mean voice inside my head that tells me being in a fandom is childish and "aren't you too old for that" and "aren't you feeling ridiculous caring (and projecting) so much for/onto fictional characters" bc literally no MUM, I'm in fact just doing what I love and it's cruel that I feel ridiculous to this day that I'm building up my personality through fictional characters bc I never knew who I really was and fandoms are giving me the opportunity to explore that. Yes ofc that's not "normal" or whatever but is it really that bad? Like I'm feeling better through that, it's giving me motivation to do things. So yeah... Thanks.. another reason I have to unlearn shame I suppose.

[lyraeeee]

let me cook???

a small sneak peak of my upcoming work🤞🤞

it really has been such a long time since I last wrote anything and I’m just so excited to share this to everyone soon.

might be posting this on tuesday? wednesday? It’ll depend on my mood

I only wrote for the earthrealm gang so far but if other people ask for it then I’ll consider writing one for the other characters too :)

[tvuniverse]

Listen i just want to preface this by saying I don't even personally hate Tommy, but that's not really the point i want to make so here goes nothing.

The way a lot of people act as if it's impossible to dislike him because the characters have moved on so so should we, right? and that's the thing right here, as poc we're always being told to move on. We can't express our feelings, we can't hold grudges, we can't complain about issues without making it something more than it is, we always have to just... move on.

I know people are going to say it's just a show, it's not that serious, but the issues it touches on and the way fandom speaks on those issues are.

I've seen a lot of comparisons between Tommy and other mains, how each of them are flawed and have screwed up one way or another, and you're right, but it's still unfair to compare him to them. We've seen each of the main characters experience guilt, or be ashamed of their action, we've seen them apologise, put in the work to actually grow, and they have. There's not enough time in an episode for us to see that for side characters. In this case, Tommy didn't do any of the above and that's normal, he was a plot device to show some very real societal issues, and especially what people of colour/women might go through in the workplace, and once he served his purpose he didn't get much more beyond a few scenes where it seemed like everything was fine between him and chim/hen. It would be more appropriate to compare him to the buckley parents, (who appeared in more or less the same amount of episodes) like if people suddendly started saying no one is allowed to hate them because they got their redemption, their kids more or less forgave them, they more or less tried to be better parents. And yet it's still not enough for a lot of people, because how they treated their children, the shit they've said to them, hits a little too close to home for a lot of people and so no matter what the show says or does, they'll still be mostly hated by the audience, and that's more than okay. But if margaret buckley is your favourite character than by all means be my guest. And listen, i love this show, it's all about hope, and it means everyone gets a redemption arc, as short as it is (sometimes even just a sentence lol), but we won't always be satisfied with these arcs, especially if they don't feel proportional to the hurt the characters may have caused to our mains, so we'll all have different reactions to them.

I swear liking a morally ambiguous/grey character says absolutely nothing about you, but making excuses for them, antagonising people who might dislike them (for good reasons) or acting like suddenly triggers don't exist for people, does say something about you. One of my favourite characters is literally the worst person ever, an actual bigot, but i won't ever write essays about why people are not allowed to dislike him actually because he's my babygirl.. i very much understand why people would.

All of this to say, everyone will have different opinions about Tommy. Some might love him, some will be completely neutral or at worst slightly uncomfortable/bothered by him, and some will straight up hate him, and all of these are fine. Live and let live, love whoever you want to love, and hate whoever you want to hate, but please stop trying to dictate how others should feel, i'm begging. And this really does go both ways.

[moe-broey]

My therapist hasn't killed me yet 👍

[tricksterlatte]

The Online Fandom 7 Deadly Sins

sloth: complaining about how no one writes the tropes or pairings you like and bashing what's already out there, while refusing to create anything you desire yourself

greed: zine and other finance-related scandals with zero remorse for those negatively affected

gluttony: spending rent money on merch, experiencing buyer's remorse, then repeating the same process next month

wrath: anon hate over literally everything under the sun, even harassing official writers and threatening them if they don't make your ship canon

pride: devaluing other's characterizations and ships to praise yours as better, whether through a canon perspective or a moral perspective, when neither matter in the long run when it comes to your own enjoyment

envy: trash talking others' fandom creations or saying you won't bother creating anything because it'll never be as good as them

lust: fighting over who tops or bottoms because of your personal preferences when one, both, or neither could happen, especially when most of these characters never even kiss canonically nor have most people fighting done any of these things irl themselves

[urlocallesbiab]

sorry to everyone who's been missing me/waiting for something from me, i've been slipping in and out of depressive fog for a week or two (and in general have experienced significantly worse depression than normal for a couple years, but that’s another story)

i long to get back, too; a lot of things to read and ideas to write and people to talk to. love y'all, take care

[emometalhead]

.

[arsen1cs4ng0]

thing from last night. yeah val is being edgy again sorry about that

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

All I can do until we see what happens with this election is hope, distract myself, and try to get others to vote, because if I think too hard about it my anxiety and depression gets worse and the voice in the back of my head that tells me to hurt myself and go hide in the woods or something gets louder

[drchucktingle]

how are you human?

so many interesting comments and thoughts on my post saying buds should consider not coming up to strangers in marginalized groups and saying 'how are you a real person that actually exists?'. i will point out this: despite my VERY gentle tone a few buds said i was having a 'meltdown' for even mentioning it

others said i was being too serious for someone who is ‘not a real person’. so if you would any more evidence of what it is like to be a buckaroo like myself there it is. every day, autistic folks who may seem ‘weird’ are bombarded with messages and comments and implications that they are fundamentally not human beings

sometimes it is outright and blatant like the comments on last post saying ‘well why are you getting mad? you are not even real’ and sometimes it is in the very subtle ways that folks use language when they talk to us. there is huge difference between ‘how do you exist?’ and ‘i am glad you exist.’

anyway, something that i think many people who have not lived this experience dont seem to understand is i KNOW the poster who said ‘how are you a real person that actually exists’ probably meant it as a compliment. that is THE POINT of why i am taking a moment out of my trot to gently and anonymously let them know how it might feel to be on other end of something like this as a queer or autistic or otherwise marginalized buckaroo. it is obviously not their intent to actually hurt someone, so i am letting them know

maybe because queerness and autism are not physically apparent it is hard to explain, but imagine going up to very tall or very short person and saying ‘cant BELIEVE you are real’ as a compliment. not a great way to treat others. on my original post, an indigenous author chimed in with their own experience and feelings similar to my own. a woman who said she was very tall told her story. point is, while i do not have their experience, what i am saying has a universal thread for 'othered' folks

point is: i UNDERSTAND there is this sort of exaggerated or ironic (or maybe even sometimes very literal) language around fandom to say things like ‘how are you a human?’ to creators, but since it is not your intent to hurt, i think you might want to know how that feels to marginalized buckaroos sometimes.

obviously you can say anything you want. i do not hold it against you. also, if you think ‘oh no, did i say something like this to chuck at a convention? i am so embarrassed' then DO NOT WORRY i promise you buckaroo you are just fine. i present myself in a way that is unusual by definition, so i have pretty thick skin about this type of thing and a lot of patience. MANY buds start off thinking i am ‘a joke’ and then become fans over time and i am glad to trot beside them and prove love is real.

however there are other autistic or queer or marginalized buckaroos with smaller platforms who hear this just as much as me, so i think it is important to say it loudly and maybe together we can work on making a very slight shift in the way we speak to the ‘others’ in our lives

we do not NEED to let subtle dehumanization slip into our language. in some cases it has been called ‘micro aggressions’ but i think buds dont often consider what that means for COMPLIMENTS. ultimately, telling marginalized people YOU ARE SO AMAZING YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY EXIST may seem very fun and silly on the surface and for some folks it probably feels that way, but for others it can feel like a reminder of the broader doubt about their humanity. you can just say ‘YOU ARE AMAZING’ without the reminder of the many times autistic or queer or marginalized folks are told in a very serious and pointed way (like comments on the last post) ‘YOU ARE SO WEIRD THAT I HAVE DECIDED YOU ARE NOT REAL’

buckaroos can take this information and apply it to their interactions, or they can ignore it, that is totally fine. we are all trotting our own trots and proving love in our own way and thats okay bud, HOWEVER i feel like it is important to at least let folks know, even if that means getting told i am having a ‘meltdown’. i think it is important to have complex or difficult conversations if it will prove a little more love in the long run. THANK YOU FOR READING BUCKAROOS. i am honored to trot forward with you can tackle this kind of thing with you, and honored you buckaroos have created such an amazing space with me to pull apart these kind of feelings. THIS IS PROOF THAT LOVE IS REAL LETS TROT