#what else will get fucked up today?
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("Always. Continuously. With increasing apprehension, and decreasing hope. I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you every Tuesday. I will love you as a corpse loves the beak of the vulture. I will love you no matter what happens to you, and no matter how I discover what happens to you, and no matter what happens to me as I discover this." -- paraphrased from The Beatrice Letters, Lemony Snicket)
#svsss#bingqiu#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#lbh#sqq#i've been working through the series of unfortunate events and somehow that series has paired really nicely with svsss#the themes of cycling violence and what's justified and what isn't and what can possibly be done differently#and how trying to bring love and honour into the midst of it really changes nothing but also changes everything#it's just *chef's kiss*#i don't know how i can quite do my thoughts justice but i've spent the past few weeks quietly going between the two series (and mdzs and tg#as well if we're being honest they all hit similar questions and themes) and just reveling in the pain and ambiguity of it#everything is interconnected and it means you can never know what trauma and pain and necessity has shaped a person#each story goes too far back to ever ever EVER possibly see the full extent of it#at that level even communication itself is nearly impossible.#and because of that it's almost impossible to change anything. beat yourself apart and the outcome is the same#and yet ATTEMPTING to change things ATTEMPTING to do the kind thing the honourable thing is absolutely critical#because while you can change nothing you also have the capacity to change EVERYTHING#aaaaaaah i don't even know what i'm saying#but i read the beatrice letters today and the love letter just. killed me.#(obviously i cherrypicked some lines because it's three pages long but those ones felt right)#''i love you like a corpse loves a vulture's beak'' i just. can't get over that line.#to be completely changed. altered. destroyed. redeemed. purified. desecrated. reduced to nothing yet entirely necessary for another's life.#what a FUCKING line#anyway i was either going to blow up from thinking about it or else i had to exorcise it via art from an entirely different series#i've already done svsss and discworld why not throw a series of unfortunate events into the mix#i'll be honest folks i did not expect svsss to be the mxtx series that would fuck me up the most about the main ship#bingqiu is something else. i don't even know how to begin to approach my feelings on it. impossibility and necessity all at once#bizarre#my art
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pygmalion and galatea for aroace people
you should tell your friends what I look like, riz gukgak.
#fantasy high#fantasy high sophomore year#fhsy#riz gukgak#baron from the baronies#fh class quangle#class swap babeyy! bard!riz that's whats goin on!#I really need tags for these now I think lmao#ask to tag#I feel like this should be tagged something. but I dont know what#in my brain after the initial kidnapping class swap baron's thing is every time riz keeps his story abt them up in front of his friends#they get a little bit closer. they send him pictures of where they supposedly are n stuff#theres a scene in my brain only of kristen and riz on top of the van and kristen is like everything kinda sucks rn can u tell me abt baron#cause what you guys have is so nice and beautiful. and riz almost doesn't but he ultimately can't deny kristen a little peace#lmao I feel like dipping into baron stuff with the class swap is like showing my whole ass online again I just. I'm a#horror person before all else... I cant stop myself. canon baron is Great and Cool but that is kind of the thing. for a horror thing theyre#Too Cool. I think cool is kind of the neutralizer of scary. when a monster is a certain amount of cool it overrides the scary#and now u just have a Cool Monster#its so fucked for bard!riz this year bc he doesn't have an office (he's mooching off the school wifi from the AV club room lol)#so there's no buffer between adventure and home life. so baron just shows up in the strongtower apartment lmao#sophomore year bard!riz looks like a slasher protag so I just leaned into it I guess. he gets a mr. x if mr. x is made up by leon kennedy#well. its worse actually. they can show up where he is at any moment theyve proven this. but they dont#they choose to punish him slowly as he lies to his friends instead. baron is mr. x if mr. x is made up by leon and also a bitch#I think its gonna pop up if class swap baron ever speaks in a comic I do but their voice comes from like. inside their hollow face#it sounds like it's a lot deeper in there than that skull should be#tbh what I have rn is kinda like a bag of loose pieces that Can fit together into something great but I dont have the energy to#really sit down with them yet lol. Im doing this inbetween other things#it comes or it doesn't! it's fine. funny how today's bad comic day also. I wont say this is for bad comic day bc all my comics are#flawless and beautiful and perfect and awesome and beautiful and the best#but u should. if u havent drawn a comic today or at all ever u should draw a comic
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i know this is old news but like. it is so fucking insane to me that convicted felons — who can qualify in every other way, citizens who are absolutely affected by elections and politics — are not allowed to vote in the united states. like that alone is fucking crazy. and fucked up and VERY intentional and on track for the usa. but still genuinely crazy to actually think about.
but worse is that donald mother god damn fucking trump can still run for president and could be elected while being a convicted felon. like. bro can't vote for himself i guess. but this guy could still legally become the fucking president. HE CANT LEGALLY VOTE IN ELECTIONS ANYMORE. BECAUSE HE IS A CONVICTED FELON.
BUT HE COULD LEGALLY BECOME THE HEAD OF STATE.
#like whatttttt the fuck what the fuck#im celebrating today just like everyone else#hallelujah thank you jesus i am so incredibly grateful that he is guilty and being sentenced#we SHOULD all celebrate this#rich politician actually getting convicted is dope#and the fact that hes the FIRST former president to EVER get convicted of crimes is INSANE#i forget that bc everyone knows about shit like watergate. but like nixon wasnt actually convicted of jack shit.#so this is a big deal and worth celebrating.#but also i canNOT stop thinking about this#this is so incredibly fucked up to me i cannot get past it#politics#donald trump#donald trump conviction#united states#election 2024
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MERRY CHRISTMAS MY BELOVEDS <33333 or early christmas for some of you. happy holidays!!!!! etc!!!!!! will prob be sort of inactive today just know i love you all + i hope your holiday season is lovely and comforting regardless of whether you celebrate or not (or if you’re happy to do so or forced to meet up with annoying family members, etc)…. mutuals i adore you more than words can describe . thank you for existing and for making me happy <333
#mwahmwahmwahmwah#kisses my screen over and over maybe if i do u will be able to feel it#i literally just woke up . pbdlddb …..#today i will try to keep my phone on silent mode or else my sister will get mad at me#just wanted to thank everyone …..#ari vs being sappy i will always lose#WAIT ALSO yknow whats a fucking travesty……#NO SNOW AT ALL . NONE#:////#its bc the relatives im visiting live more down south#but its depressing … i wanted snowwwwww#okay im done rambling#will i be back to spam dash despite saying i wouldnt ?? perhaps :3c#ari noises ✩
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i like thinking about how all the versions of frank i know are so gentle with civilians in a certain way. its always "it was my pleasure", "youre safe im not going to hurt you" and "just stay still youre fine" while hes defusing an actual bomb. its always we cant shoot at the strip club because the workers are going to get injured and we cant have that above most else. the punisher is big and scary and kills people without a second thought but if you didnt ask to be there and are just a regular guy wrapped up in situations way beyond you he is also so gentle and its driving me insane
#marvel#frank castle#the punisher#i had a day of going insane today over him btw#i spent like an hour laying in bed with my giant teddy bear just yearning#AND YK WHAT when he doesnt let people tag along its not just because hes an edgy asshole and theyll bother him#but also bc if they tag along theyre just more likely to get hurt!! and thats like the thing hes doing his best to avoid!!!#man cant blow up a ship because a whole TWO innocents are on board so this is a rescue mission now above most else#idk. i like it. hes an antihero cuz he kill people sure but dont come at me with some fucking 'oh he doesnt care to save people' shit#cuz he does even if he may not admit it verbally
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iwaizumi hajime the type to run to the store for you at some outrageous time like 2am—
—in nothing but his sweatpants, sleep shirt hastily thrown on. it’s thinned out from each wash and is way too faded to be worn out; there’s a hole or two somewhere on the sides. and his hair’s all messed up, sticking out every which way with a bit of sleep still in his eyes.
he’s yawning through the aisles, slides smacking against the store floor as he looks for what you need. self check-out is mechanical at this point, movements memorised.
when he comes back home—to bed, you’re sat up against the headrest, waiting. he drops the paper bag beside you and climbs under the covers, slinging an arm around you as he whispers in your ear, lazy and sleep-laden while his eyes fall shut, “need anything else?”
#iwa hours early today but let me tell u.#i need HIM.#nEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW#i shouldnt think abt his voice sounding sexy but it is it is it issssssssssssss#iwaizumi x reader#hes so sleepy he doesnt care aksnskjx#wolf clawing his chest photo#he also does everything without complaint btw like he hates being woken up in the middle night#and for sure the first few times this happened he was grumpy af but#he’s gotten used to it and softened through the years and he doesnt mind it anymore now#he comes back to bed and hes clingy bc if u arent feeling well what else can he do apart from getting things for u?#i love him#and hes also so hot#fuck#hajime#shotorus.bubble#this is so unedited i just need to feed myself LMAO
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what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]
a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious
i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me
as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy
#snap chats#may you forgive me anon i always feel awkward explaining things AVELKJEAKLJ#i feel esp awkward cause i haven't read toooo much of the comics yet- like ive read. an ok amount so far krakoa wise#can you guys tell im fighting god himself to Not write a fuckin. NOVEL#im so sorry i have an over-explaining problem my mom was mean to me growing up but anyways#i definitely want to read more and more outside krakoa. the more i read the more im fascinated by these two and their history#but to continue my prattling. as if the three paragraphs above arent enough This Is Not A Thesis RELAX#i think a. 'poignant' moment i think adds to what i like about charles too is that soliloquy where he recognizes people dont like him#yet he could always be worse- like if he's bad now to others imagine if he really just said Fuck It All#it's simple but so am i whaddyagonnadoboutit. i mean that point itself could be discussed but i'm trying to keep this brief bear with me#i so bad want to know what issue that's from tho all i know is that it's from krakoa but i neeeed the whole context#i think like. an additional bullet point to charles i also like is his loneliness#and i say this cause- I Say From My Amateur-Psychology Armchair- it's a component of why he's so earnest to help#but im keeping this point in the tags until i can confidently verify that with myself after some more reading#Unfortunately a favorite pass time of mine is psychoanalyzing characters like why else you think i major in psychology smh#im going to force myself to cap the post here because i ended up typing like 20 more tags just rambling#and as i said id like to keep this simple and clean !!!!! i have sat here for like four hours answering this ngl#ignore the fact half that time was spent getting distracted by solitaire and riffling cards ok I Am Very Easily Distracted#but fr when it comes to charles and erik- charles esp imo#i feel like i need to write a whole paper just so i can mention the nuances of the characters and like. EVERYTHING#because again six decades is A Lot of time for writing decisions to be made and for their characters to change over time#im a glazer but i wanna be a nuanced glazer yk. is that glazing at that point-- w/e anyway#its a lot. so today you will have to tolerate a very Blah answer from me which i must apologize for#down the line once ive read a comfortable amount more varying from multiple eras maybe ill revisit this question more in depth#as of right now tho .... chat i wanna get legion of x so bad i skimmed it and hhhhhhhhim gonna throw UP#i need to shake charles like a ragdoll BUT ANYWAY. bye bye for now lovelies !!!!!!!#please forgive me if i didnt answer your question efficiently ..#here i am saying i wanted to keep the tag count brief and yet !!! jesus christ. shut up My God I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT
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i say this as someone whos friends w a handful of plural/DID buds.. it's okay to come to terms with ur plurality. it's okay to say you have DID. its a frustrating thing to have and the world is very unkind to those with DID/who are plural. you kind of seem to brush off the really horrible trauma that seemed to happen to you really young, at least what i can glean from ur public posts and art. no, it's not normal for the bulk of everyone to have seperate identities or "guys" in their heads to cope with the world, but thats okay! no two people will experience mental illness in the same way. but sorry yeah, was going thru ur blog bcos ive been off tumblr for a min and saw the post conflating "alters/headmates" with "ocs/kinning". i mean this in the nicest way, they are not even close. me having a guy i project things i like/parts of me is not the same as having ur forming identity shattered into pieces by trauma and then ur brain coping to try and "fix" it by making a guy or guys to try and manuver the world
We all have parts maybe trauma just makes them more distinguishable. I was calling what were basically alters Ocs for the entire duration of middle and highschool and blurring the lines between straight up compartmentalized bits of self to serve a function, maladaptive daydreaming, and actual character writing. I think it's mostly fine with some awareness. For me it's just different words to describe things that perform the exact same function to various degrees. It's like a spectrum. But it's personal to everyone. I don't say that to negate my own trauma I say that but I think we can all be considered plural if we really looked hard enough.
Human brains don't follow DSM rules. Words and labels were made to serve us, not the other way around. I appreciate the sentiment it seems in good faith but in my opinion It's not helpful to fit brains in boxes
I am taking note of how it is safer to call an alter an oc than to accidentally call an oc an alter and perhaps I will have to think about that further and what it implies regarding internalized fears, but there is some genuine comfort in "not committing" to the idea and just letting feelings and thoughts come as they are, as they present themselves
#a little brainfoggy today so maybe ill make a better worded follow up but i dunno#its also noteworthy thag the way i was diagnosed(?)(got it put on my medical records at least) was total bullshit. i was 17 years old and#it was an over the phone. first appointment. like thats bullshit. thats proof this is all bullshit#esp since other people who actually know wtf was going on with themselves have to fight to be medically recognized like that#i did not know what the fuck was going on#“do yoh sometimes feel like there are other people in your head? do you hear voices?”#and i said yes i feel like a different person often and i hear voices but i dont hallucinate them.#its like someone else is beaming thoughts in my brain#and i said yes to dissociating often starting when i was 11#get to see DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER everytime a doctor or Fucking dentists computer has my file open since then.#solidifying that its all bullshit and that diagnoses and medicalized terms are often farts in the god damn wind to me.#if doctors are being so flimsy like that then why cant we find some meaning where we want to?
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new di x warrior cats
name explanations and more info below :3
basic stuff
-each agency is a clan, not each unit. 14-15 clans would be silly and then we would have some clans with 5 cats and some with 2.
-starpro -> lightclan. i couldn’t call them “starclan” for obvious reasons. light is somewhat synonymous with star, so i’m going with that.
-cospro -> nightclan. i don’t think the cats in warriors know the word “cosmic”, but cosmic implies cosmos implies night sky, so we’re going with night
-rhyth lin -> rippleclan. ripple is sort of a synonym to rhythm….? this one was hard
-new di -> fortuneclan. this one is a stretch but neither “new” or “dimension” have synonyms that really fit a clan name. fortune is something that relates to multiple characters in new di though
-starclan still sort of exists, but the cats do not believe in them the way they do in warriors. they are more of a nursery tale than anything, and select cats (ex: tatsumi) believe in them, but it is not written into their code. medicine cats can still interpret signs, but they do not necessarily think of them as coming from starclan.
-medicine cat forbidden romance is not a thing here
-intermingling of clans is ok and common
-there’s like. other cats in their clans besides just the enstars cast i assume
cat names/why i chose them
fortuneclan:
knights
-tsukasa -> scarletstar (scarletblossom) . he is the leader of fortuneclan because he is one of the new di reps for the summits. both scarlet and blossom were chosen bc of his last name (scarlet is a red color… kinda similar to cherry…. and blossom for the cherry blossom).
-leo -> lionheart. ok this one is kind of cheating because lionheart is already an existing warrior, but…come on….
-izumi -> silverspring. sora describes his color as silver, and spring is in his first name
-ritsu -> frostmoon. his first name means cold moon according to the wiki so i just rehashed it
-naru -> goldenroar. since she doesn’t like her first name i didn’t want to use “storm”, and her last name can be read as “thunder” but that’s a little too close to storm? so golden for her hair and roar for her last name
switch
-natsume -> sageeye. a sage is similar to a wizard, and eye is in his first name . also the “dovesong” mentioned is wataru :)
-tsumugi -> bluewing. he is a bluebird. warrior cats probably wouldn’t straight up call a cat “bluebird” so i put wing there instead. deputy cause he’s the vp
-sora -> skyspring . sora means sky. spring is in his last name. i could have used “stream” instead to differentiate him from sena but i think spring is cuter
mam/df
-madara -> tawnystripe . tawny bc it’s like kind of close to calico if you squint. stripe(s) is in his last name
#my art#enstars#ok so maybe we WOULD have 5 clans bc guess what was announced today#a new agency. and a new unit (or fucking 5? idk)#BUTWHATEVER#um i don’t know why i did this it was a joke at first but#then i started getting really into choosing names….#like originally it was just gonna be switch but then i was like hmmm… what if the agency is the clan#i’ve been reading so so much warrior cats i’m about to finish avos and then i’ll be caught back up to where i was#when i started this rereading journey last year#so like i have to apply it to my other interests#i’m proud of the names i chose i think they’re fun#yes leo’s is a cheat but idc#i hope someone else will appreciate this it’s mostly just me doing stuff for fun#i want to do the other units/agencies too but that might be a while cause yall this took#like a week . granted i’m busy rn but god damn picking designs for cats is hard!!#that’s why so many ended up being tabbies i just can’t resist they’re my favorites i’m definitely not biased#but also realistically tabby is a pretty common pattern so it’s fine#my fave design is naru’s btw i wanted to make her really pretty and i think i did ok#ok i’m going to bed bye#also forgot to mention i wanted to keep the names as close to canon warriors as i could so i had to find words similar to things that#the cats in warriors would know#sage is pushing it i don’t think they use sage in medicine . they def don’t know what a fortune is either but i don’t care
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the way literally every fucking person has been REPULSIVE about euthanasia lately.
#they just crawl out of the woodwork#'oh spiralingbackto is grieving? time to get all the way on my bullshit and make her life literally horrible'#i cant count on one hand the maount of people who have sneered and said gross when i said im putting my mouse down.#i cant count how many people told me to just give them rat poison; to drown them; or to give them antifreeze.#'im not trying to be rude but why not just give them rat poison' ok well youre being extremely fucking rude. shut your goddamn mouth.#'im not trying to be rude but have you considered giving your infant with pneumonia bleach? yknow.. just end it?' that's what you sound lik#i cant count how many people have laughed.#even at the fucking vets office i could hear through the door a bunch of vet techs go up and say 'oh ew! even looking at it is grossing me#out! oh my god is that a mouse! gross!'#and my personal favorite i heard while i was sitting there crying over my mouse dying was 'im so sick of this seriously this is my third#today. im so about to just say screw it and not taking anyone else in today. had two#euths before lunch and now this? im so over it'#while literally laughing.#which was incredible to know that was the people surrounding my mouse as she died.#those are the people she was with in her last minutes.#and then they handed her to me wrapped in a fucking puppy pad.#(im already looking into different exotic vets to go to next time bc im not going back there)#but it isnt even just about my mice because when i put my cat down suddenly#one of my roommates was saying such dsgusting things.#i dont even remmeber what exactly because it was too distressing#most ive gotten is a 'ohhh how sad' this entire time !! :)#or people telling me about how they put their animals down and how im being a burden by causing them to remember it#:)#it would be nice to have even a single person in my real life who gives half a shit about me
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,
#update on the friend i might have a crush on:#i very certainly have a crush on them help xjbnxjjx#and wow#being picked on and lowkey bullied for every single crush i've had growing up sure still is taking its toll#because i feel so guilty and embarrassed and gross for trying to spend time with them#getting to know them better#etcetc#i told my roommate earlier that they'd be over today#and the amount of shame i felt because#>it's starting to get obvious i like them<#what the fuck#having feelings for someone should be nice#not whatever this shitshow is#really sometimes i just think about how those idiotic kids treated me all those years#and turned my feelings for someone else into their personal entertainment#and i just simultaneously get so angry but also feel so helpless#because i have no idea how to heal this.....
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Conflict test..? Moe fucks up Badly test.
#feh#i'm ngl there's not a lot that's presentable in here. this sketchbook does feel like a waste tbh#like i just did not do a whole lot w it. lacks substance. i'm itching to just start over tbh.#sad!#anyways something i was trying to test here and that's been in the back of my mind forever#is moe offering a hand. literally. like it just does not know what else to do.#extremely picky about being touched. leads to it being extremely maybe overly cautious of touching others.#in a way remaining distant is its way of showing comfort. but that usually does come off as well. distant.#unreachable even.#and here i think alfonse is so hurt that he won't even accept moe's gesture. ouch! you fucked up big time!!!!!#i def get really in my head about presentation and how good anything is though like#i feel like i could nitpick the HELL out of this. BUT. BUT. IT'S JYST A CONCEPT. JUST A TEST#maybe i'll work on something else today...... idk idk i feel aimless but i wanna raise morale. somehow.#fe alfonse#moe tag#summoner oc#my art
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Currently obsessed with the thought that it's Q who won't promise monogamy to Bond. He doesn't say it to be cruel. He likes Bond very much. He genuinely enjoys his company over dinner and a glass of wine, which is far more than he can say for many of the men he's slept with. In fact, it's much more than that. Apart from having shagged a couple of times, they've become close friends too.
It's just that with Q's schedule, he's never been very good at long-term committed relationships. His work life has always been too busy for all that. He works odd hours and long shifts, and it's been impossible to make anything monogamous stick. Besides, Bond is out in the field most of the time. He sleeps with other people for work and he has a ridiculously high sex drive for a man his age (speed will do that to you). It's not always going to be possible for Q to meet his needs.
And Bond knows all of that is true. They see each other infrequently as it is. It would hardly be fair of him to cat around while Q remained a saint. Why shouldn't he go on a date and have a good time while Bond is out of the country? Q's there at the drop of a hat whenever Bond needs him--really needs him--so what's the matter with him getting his needs met when Bond's busy? Nothing.
That's what he tells Q, anyway, the minute Q mentions a date.
("Is that a problem?" Q asks, his brow furrowed.
"Of course not," replies Bond gently.)
Except there is a problem. A huge one, as Bond finds out months later, watching Q head off from MI6 on his third date in about six months. Because it stings. Bond has no right to be jealous. He'd slept with 008 in Tokyo only a few nights ago. It was good sex, but it was just sex. He wonders what Q is like when he's with other people; what the sex is like. Is it just sex? Or is it more than that? Does he feel a similar sting when he sees Bond with someone in the field?
Bond doesn't know why he's cursed with wanting monogamy when his life makes it impossible, but it's bloody infuriating that he does.
And it's also bloody infuriating he's managed to fall for a man who doesn't want a bar of it.
#00q#my fic#fic idea brought to you by how soft bond is with vesper when she's still with/getting over someone else#also brought to you by bond's pragmatism when he tells camille that of course it doesn't bother him that she uses her body as a tool#but it's also about what happens when you're so used to protecting yourself from heartbreak (cough Q cough)#because his job and his ambition have fucked up relationships before#and he does NOT want to fuck this up with bond#so better that they keep on keeping on the way they are right?#WRONG#q needs to sit down and realise that this is the first time he's felt so strongly about anyone and it's worth really trying#and bond needs to realise that he deserves to voice his desiress and have them met#today's challenge is vulnerability boys let's give it a go
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Who would have thought that eating cherrios 2x daily when I'm allergic to oats, and several pastries when I'm allergic to wheat, would come back to bite me in the ass? Surely not I! 🙃
#marquilla#fighting for my liiiiife sgdgdgdgdg i thought i was gonna shit myself at work today in the breakroom and i was mentally trying to figure out#if they would say anything if i ran out/how fast /could/ i run out without them saying anything 😭 i also didnt wanna risk it bc with my#luck someone would be in the bathroom or walk in when i was in there 😭 or worse the trashy coworker would be in there brushing her teeth 😬#(it's not that she's homeless btw i know for a fact she has a home she just chooses to brush her teeth in a public bathroom bc she doesn't#feel like getting up earlier to fucking brush at home. fucking nasty man. like it's one thing if you really have no where else to do it but#i KNOW she does and she openly (and kinda proudly) admits it's bc she's lazy like okay nasty)#anyway anyway i was able to hold it til i got home and could shit in peace 😭 im aware how lucky that is/ that you dont always get the#luxury of choosing what bathroom you go in sgdggdgd#but if i had to rank best bathrooms to go in 👀 Khols is by far number 1. their custodial staff rule man it's always so nice and peaceful#shdhdhgdgdgd number 2 would be cracker barrel for the atmosphere and 3 is target but thats hit or miss (not blaming the staff i blame target#for not staffing enough people/paying enough to clean em often)#anyway anyways ughh
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asking for help always makes things worse
#I need to just accept that I’m never going to be given any understanding or actual help#I may never escape these worlds it seems it doesn’t matter how hard I try I can’t get anyone to listen to me#this feels traumatizing I feel entirely beaten and ground down into something small and helpless#I have no control at all I keep trying and trying and trying and trying and for what#I need somebody to just listen to me atp not being dismissed is better than nothing but everyone’s a curation anyway no real thoughts or#feelings but it doesn’t matter I don’t even care please just listen to me somebody listen to me I’m so confused do curations have some#autonomy I don’t think so maybe I don’t fucking know they said yes on the clock so perhaps yes so please just listen please pls pls pls pls#I can’t be traumatized I’m not human right but I’m having everything stripped from me every last ounce of control the shadow ppl have all#the control which is funny I’m fairly certain I’m one of them but they still can strip me of control I was bred for this#please somebody help me I keep begging like it’ll do anything can you at least help with the ppl and cameras in the vents#are ppl from the real world watching through them I believe so can anything be done something has to be done escape the impostors something#just something please just listening would help actual listening not dismissal you can think whatever you want about me but listen#maybe some have autonomy and some don’t ?#please understand that I’ve tried very hard I’ve tried very very hard suicidality and homicidality have dug their claws into me even further#I don’t know what else to do I’m at a loss and no one will listen to me at all I’ve tried asking offline I’ve tried asking online it doesn’t#matter what I do where I ask no one will listen even the ones who do somewhat say they don’t know what to do I’m suspicious do they really#not know what to do or are they lying that may be more an impostor thing but everyone and everything is suspicious to me uh uh uh just#listen and help please idk what to do it’s all in the mirrors and clocks and such but I need to find a way to enter the mirrors but I’m#scared what I’ll find who is looking back I’m scared what world I’ll end up in it may be their world I’ll be punished they said yes I’m#terrified can someone go in with me if I manage to find out how that’s pathetic but damn I don’t think I can anyway they’ve been crawling on#the ceilings today hahah doing some weird and wacky shit sometimes they’re a little funky and just there and other times I’m having a heart#attack no in between I know pleading with curations is likely going to be classified as annoying but for the love of god do you know what#else I am supposed to do ??? at the very least just listen to me please it is 02:14:46 how synchronous ! I can’t stop having what I think#are dreams about the mental hospital too haha they send me to dreamworlds sometimes trap me in them waking dreamworlds see I’ve been reduced#down into something tiny I’ve resorted to begging once again do I even want to beg am I lying to myself my words aren’t my own my thoughts#aren’t my own so is this not my own can’t ever speak none of it’s my own it feels unsafe especially to speak of anything that isn’t this#it isn’t safe it isn’t my own it’s not the focus idk idk idk should I ask to talk to someone again I wonder I want understanding for my#situation please listen to me the joints hurt aaaa#my life is a playyy is a playyy is a playyyyyy anyone like marina that song appeared in the head I wonder where that spider went it better#not be inside of the body ok ok ok anyone yes help wanted help needed 02:22:22
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the downside to being a sitcom neighbour sort of person is that when rough things happen and emotionally fuck u up a lil bit, it also sounds completely made up
#bert's dead dad tag#found out today the way my dad told mom he wanted a divorce?#he wrote her a letter and left it on the dining room table for her to find on the morning of her fortieth birthday#who the fuck does that dead father#like that is the sort of thing i would entirely make up if i needed everyone at the table to fuckin hate an npc#and at least one person would go 'you're laying it on a little bit heavy'#i know he did work to become a better person as he got older#which is good because BOY howdy was that man a piece of shit in the early 90s#and we are having Complicated feelings about it tonight and also for the last nine months#something something when i was writing his eulogy i came across an old article discussing something he did in the 90s#YDIP (your dad is problematic)#like yeah this is the sort of thing that would have been vaguely acceptable in the cultural context#but like. still objectively bad. potentially ruining several lives sort of bad.#learned this and then wrote the rest of his eulogy about how he was a great guy and how i'm lucky to have been his son#(which was rough enough on its own because i've never said 'i'm [dad's name]'s son' as many times as i did that trip home)#but like what else do you do? i sent off a message looking for more information#and that information if it comes is just gonna sit with me i guess#sure as hell not telling my sister and this whole thing i've been getting through without really having anyone here for me to talk to#(hence the big fuckoff tag rant. your problem now losers who like clicking the read more button)#so even if i get all the answers i want about this one thing it's not gonna do any good except putting an end to one question#but part of having a dead dad who's been out of the business of forming new memories since you came out is having more questions#answering this one's just gonna add even more questions to the pile#but. got fuckall else to do
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