#what don’t you understand about these women thinking lesbianism is a CHOICE? that it’s only used by women as a reaction to the patriarchy?

[tiredyke]

every time queer discourse surges on this site everyone is so quick to jump to “it was actually the evil lesbians who divided us” because y’all heard the term “political lesbian” and never bothered to figure out what that meant

[feministdragon]

every once in a while a discussion flares up on tumblr:  separatism vs activism reading through the various arguments I find myself agreeing with both sides in a lot of places.   the activism side argues that without it, we wouldn’t have the right to vote, bank accounts, property ownership, financial independence, sexual harassment and abortion laws, a lot of practical structures that free women in concrete ways.  i completely agree with this. the separatism side argues that women need a space away from men to experience themselves as human beings, to experience freedom and to experience female solidarity, and to develop networks of mutual aid.  I also completely agree with this. and then everyone starts fighting, which i really don’t understand.   We need both!  Both is good!   There are more than enough women in the world to do all the projects!  We can have some women creating separatist spaces for women to take shelter in, and we can have some women banding together to create practical change that free women in the short term.   What is there to argue about? I mean, maybe the background of this is the whole lesbian vs straight women thing?   Which tbh i also don’t understand why we have to fight about this.  I’m a lesbian, and the majority of my friends and feminist collaborators are straight women.  just by looking at the women around me I’m very very aware of how being partnered with a woman saves me an incredible amount of bullshit in my life, and yet I’m equally aware of why women choose to be het-partnered. for example in our organization there’s one women whose job title includes the word ‘responsible’.  Her husband began a campaign to undermine her participation by telling her that because her job title said ‘responsible’ that when our organization ‘inevitably bankrupted’ she would be left holding the legal debt which then (his main point) would impact him.  So she was scared by him into wanting to leave her position, when we really don’t have anyone else who can fill that right now, and so it would have caused a huge strain on us, but also, she’s perfect for this position, it’s very good for her, and she likes the work.  We were able to show her that he was just fucking with her, that the legal responsiblity for the money actually lay with a different role in the org, but it was yet another example of how men could reach into our private business and stir us about, because of how women are so financialy and emotionaly bound up with their legal male partners. so, do I cut off my friendship with this woman just because her husband is a danger to us?  Obviously not, because her husband is even more of a danger to her, and I’m trying to support her until her children are old enough that she can safely choose to leave him.   Is it irritating that her husband can just reach through her and fuck with us like that?  Absolutely.  Am I angry that women are constantly misled into marriage and find out too late that they are trapped?  Of fucking course.   Do I then conclude that all straight women are bullshit?   Also of course not.   But am I going to be cautious about who joins the group in future, and only let in lesbians?   Also of course not.  Because every set of hands is valuable and necessary, and we do other things to protect ourselves (like not let any man have a position of power in the org).  so what I want to ask is,  what is the separatism/activism divide about? why are people making it a choice between the two things?  is the foundational problem just either-or thinking?    if you are separatist why do you side-eye male-involved women?   if you are a male-involved woman, why do you side-eye separatists?

(crossposted on the Cloven Hooves forum if you want to comment on it there)

[pigfartsviatardis]

Does anyone else think that if Linke was so committed to ace rep in arcane - as he claims was his intention with Viktor - then wouldn’t Jayce have been a more interesting option??

I mean it’s in the name… jACE ba dum tshh 👉👉 no but seriously, linke said something about wanting to do an ace character who isn’t the usual emotionless stereotype. And I would absolutely agree that Viktor isn’t emotionless, but tbh he also doesn’t do much to push the boundaries of ace stereotypes. After the ace!viktor Thing came to light, I spoke to an aroace friend who watches arcane cause I was interested to know if Viktor gave off any vibes she’d picked up. She said she couldn’t think of anything in the storytelling that might have been trying to portray Viktor as ace, and then she said it was weird of linke to go ‘hmm I want to do an Asexual Character (and I definitely know what that word means), but I don’t want to fall into ace character stereotypes… so I’ll make it the disabled character who becomes a robot’.

Like. I have no problem with ace!viktor, but she makes a good point 😅 plus, viktor is kind of exactly what I associate the most with ace character stereotypes: he’s obsessively fixated on his one passion (science) and has very little social life or family ties.

However, Jayce actually would be kinda a groundbreaking choice for ace-spec rep. He’s not only emotional, he’s completely guided by emotion. He’s friendly and exuberant. He’s conventionally sexually attractive and successful. He’s got charisma and popularity. He’s got loving relationships with both bio family and found family. He’s got the hottest woman in the show flirting with him.

This brings me to my next point: Jayce being ace-spec would, I believe, fit well with what we know and see of him. I mean… this man had THEE Mel Medarda giving him flirty eyes for SIX YEARS, yet apparently nothing happened between them that whole time. It’s not like he’s not into women, or not into her specifically. He already seems into her BEFORE the timeskip. Everyone always talks about viktor’s salty jealous lil face in this moment (just aroace platonic bro things):

But the thing he’s reacting TO is Jayce’s heart eyes as he watches Mel walk away (fair Jayce, me too). Yet even then, it took poor Mel six goddamn years of touching his shoulder fifteen times a minute and sashaying around temptingly and telling him how special and cool he is… and EVEN THEN he was still so clueless he seemed surprised when she kissed him. I would say ‘classic lesbian’ but sadly he’s not a lesbian. However… if he were ace-spec then maybe flirting and suggestiveness and Vibes just wouldn’t be on his radar??

And it would have been amazing to have a scene where Mel is like ‘finally, I’ve been dropping hints that I’m into you for years’ and Jayce goes ‘you have???? Tbh none of that stuff ever makes any sense to me, which is why I don’t date or really ever sleep with people, but I think you’re amazing so I’m very glad this is happening’ but like a better written version by a professional screenwriter. Yknow, like ACTUAL ONSCREEN REP instead of just slapping a random label on a character after the show has aired.

Should clarify that I don’t even particularly headcanon Jayce as ace-spec, I just think it would actually fit and would be cool rep. I kinda sometimes headcanon Viktor as demi but not because of what linke said or anything in the show really, I just vibe with it for him. I mean no disrespect to the canonicity of ace!Viktor and I understand why people might be defensive of that with so little ace rep out there. I just think it was handled poorly and reads as an odd choice made for odd reasons.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Bisexual Basics

— Karin Baker

THE MOST BASIC thing about bisexuality is that it unlinks what most cultures see as a fundamental connection: sex and gender. If you can understand that for some people sexual attraction is not tied to a specific gender, then you understand the most important thing about bisexuality.

At least in the United States, separating sexuality and gender is difficult. While public attention—negative and positive—has recently been focused on homosexuality, the idea that it is not the only alternative to heterosexuality is less often recognized. This is not surprising, given that here as in most western cultures, there is a tendency to organize concepts dualistically, to see only opposites.

Heterosexuality and homosexuality as related ideas are one example. Thus, even while homosexuality is not an acceptable alternative to heterosexuality for many people, it is clearly fixed in their minds as the other option. Few conceive that there could be a third option, or even a continuum of possibilities.

This or That

Bisexuals sometimes refer to society’s tendency to dichotomize as an “either/or” approach. You must be attracted to either women or men, be either heterosexual or homosexual—what bisexuals sometimes lump together and call “monosexual.” Similarly, in our society, no matter what your actual racial background, you are seen as either white, or a person of color.

In contrast, some of us see bisexuals as having an approach to sexuality that could be called “both/and.” We are heterosexual and homosexual, both at the same time—which actually adds up to something completely different.

The woman whose parents are respectively white and African American is not racially or culturally half one and half the other. She is a blending of the two, in which neither aspect can be separated out. Similarly, bisexuals are not “part” queer, or “part” straight—we are what we are.

The Continuum of Sexuality

Maybe the idea that sexual attraction actually falls on a continuum, rather than clumping around homosexuality and heterosexuality, seems obvious. As a bisexual person, it is certainly obvious to me. However, I have come to realize that some are confounded by the idea.

This inability to imagine that someone could truly be attracted to more than one gender is probably the origin of myths such as “bisexuals don’t really exist,” and “bisexuals just haven’t made up their minds yet.” For some, sex means desire for women or men, but never both.

In a recent example, a bisexual friend of mine overheard a conversation between a lesbian and a gay man in which both commented on how confused bisexuals were. One of them said, “sooner or later bisexuals have to make up their minds!”

I wish I’d been there to ask them, why? Can you explain the basis for your reasoning? Why can’t we have already made up our minds—to be bisexual?

It seems to be hard to escape the assumption that there are only two choices, and everyone must ultimately settle for one of them. I have never heard a logical argument, or any biological law that explains why this choice is so unavoidable.

I have an easier time with this when I think about how hard it is for me to grasp attraction to one gender only, whether gay/lesbian or straight attraction. Because sexuality and gender aren’t linked for me, I’m surprised when I hear about people who are only attracted to women, or only attracted to men.

As a feminist I can understand why some women would choose not to be with men. I can also see that a person might want something in a sexual relationship that is more typically found with one gender or the other. But how could one gender always fall outside the boundaries of sexual possibility?

I believe that it happens, because people tell me that it’s true for them. It’s just extremely hard to imagine.

In fact, we bisexuals have a tendency (which I resist in myself) to think that all people are potentially bisexual. If they haven’t acted on it yet, monosexuals must either be repressed, or they just haven’t found the “right man”/“right woman” yet.

I suppose this is the bisexual equivalent of the monosexual perception that bisexuals are just going through a phase and haven’t made up our minds yet.

Gender in Bisexual Attraction

Although gender is not a limiting factor for bisexuals, it does sometimes play a role in bisexual attraction.

Some bisexuals that I know are attracted to women and men for gender-specific reasons. For instance, they like women because they see them as: easy to talk to, or nurturing, or soft and curvy; and they like men because they find them: straightforward, or more assertive, or hard and muscular (or some such gendered reasons).

So in this case, gender is part of the formula, but not a limiting factor.

Other bisexuals I have spoken with are also attracted to women and men differently, but they turn the previous specifications upside down. These bis say they find they like butch women and effeminate men. In a way this comes down to appreciating people to the extent that they escape genderedness.

But there are also many bis, such as myself, for whom gender has no place in the list of things that attract them to a person. For instance, I like people who are good listeners, who understand me and have interests similar to mine, and I am attracted to people with a little padding here and there, who have fair skin and dark hair (although I’m pretty flexible when it comes to looks).

“Male” or “female” are not anywhere to be found in the list of qualities I find attractive.

Monosexual Misconceptions

Bisexuals in the United States often experience hostility from lesbians and gay men, as in the incident described above. Lesbians and gay men, like heterosexuals, are often uncomfortable with breaking out of a dualistic way of looking at things.

Bisexuals blur boundaries thought to be fixed in stone, and this is disturbing.

Actually, bisexuals may appear to pose a more direct threat for lesbians and gay men than this general social disturbance. Lesbians and gay men who a in our society have almost always gone through a long process of leaving their family and heterosexual friends, as they leave the closet.

The community that rejected them is replaced by the one they join when they come out; the lesbian and gay community becomes their new family and friends, the place where they feel security and belonging.

Bisexuals who pop up in their new community blur its boundaries, making it feel less safe, less apart from the rejecting heterosexual community. Especially for those who believe that a bisexual has a fifty-fifty chance of finally choosing heterosexuality, a bisexual may well appear as the enemy within their midst.

Bisexuals often face misconceptions shared by lesbians, gay men, and heterosexual people. One of these is mentioned above: that bisexuals are confused people who havent made up their minds yet.

Undoubtedly some bisexuals are in a transitional phase between heterosexuality and homosexuality, but this is not necessarily so. And even when it is true, why should transition be seen as problematic?

Another common myth is that bisexuals are not committed to the struggle against queer oppression. Like many stereotypes, this may have some basis in reality. There are bisexuals who stay in the closet, who gravitate toward opposite gender relationships, marriage, and whatever else it takes to fit in.

Of course, many gay men and lesbians also never make it out of the closet. In fact, the lesbian and gay movement has always included bisexuals. Some have been openly bi, while others haven’t felt it worth the struggle to be open in the face of disapproval from the community that is so important to them.

Today, some bisexuals, like some gay men and lesbians, are not interested in getting involved in political struggle, but many others are very active within the queer community.

Another misconception is the idea that to be bisexual you must be sleeping with both women and men, and along with this, probably cheating on your partner. This is like saying that you cannot call yourself a lesbian (or gay, or straight) if you are single and celibate.

I believe that you’re bisexual (homosexual, heterosexual) if that’s what you call yourself. Your orientation stays the same, you still feel attraction, whatever your current actions.

Now it’s true, there are bisexuals who feel more fulfilled if they have relationships with a woman and a man. Some of these may have an agreement with their partner(s), and some not, but bisexuals are not the only sexual orientation where unorthodox relationships can be found, or where some cheat on their partners.

Bisexual Oppression?

A lesbian once told me that bisexuals experience oppression only to the extent that we “are homosexual.” She used this as an argument for leaving the name “bisexual” off titles of marches, community centers, newspapers, etc.

Who is included in group names has been a controversy for years (going back at least to the time when including the word “lesbian” was controversial because “gay” could supposedly count for both).

I don’t agree that bisexuals face only homosexual oppression. It’s true that when we are in same-sex relationships, one of the things we experience is heterosexism (and also, in our opposite sex relationships we do not as directly face the oppression gay men and lesbians face, although if we are openly bisexual we never completely escape heterosexism).

However, bisexuals confront forms of oppression that lesbians and gay men do not. Bisexual oppression includes compulsory monosexuality and the invisibility that is a result of monosexism. We are made invisible when people can’t conceive of sexual attraction that isn’t tied to one gender or the other, thereby denying our existence.

Even face to face, there is nothing about us that says we’re bisexual—if we’re with the same gender it’s assumed we’re lesbian/gay, and we must be straight if our partner is of the opposite gender.

Unless we happen to be holding hands and kissing a woman and a man simultaneously, an either/or way of seeing things means most people will automatically categorize us as either homosexual or heterosexual. This is monosexism at work.

In recent years some things have changed for bisexuals in the United States. We have started to find each other and form organizations and small communities. Conferences happen regularly in different parts of the country, and a national network exists.

Books about bisexuals multiply, as we tell our stories and develop theories about how we fit in. Much to the discomfort of some lesbians and gay men, we have been increasing the pressure to have our presence within the queer community acknowledged.

It seems inevitable that we will have an impact on how the people of this country view sexuality. Will this go further and affect the fundamental tendency toward dualistic categorizing, the either/or mindset?

[anti-terf-posts]

I read the last ask luneemeritus sent you and she put it so well and succinctly exactly how radical feminists oppose bodily autonomy despite what they claim, not just for trans people but for other people (mostly women).

It makes me think about lesbian separatism which seems to be somewhat popular among terfs – perhaps I have misunderstood this term because it’s something I learned about relatively recently and I admittedly don’t know much about it yet – but the idea that an ideology demands all women to renounce all their relationships with men regardless of whether that relationship is a positive one or not and to become lesbians regardless of their own attraction or sexuality rubs me the wrong way. Why is it the place of these people to decide who a woman can talk to, form bonds with, and be attracted to? Why is she not permitted the autonomy to make that choice herself? I can sort of understand if a woman wants to sequester herself from men and focus on her relationships with other women because of her experiences with sexism or because she simply has little interest in men, it isn’t something I can personally relate to, but I can see and accept that some might find that it the best for themselves. but to try to dictate that that is the best course for every woman is absurd. What makes them think that taking away the autonomy of straight and bisexual women to make them only able to date other women would be a better societal system than one that takes away the autonomy of lesbian and bisexual women and tries to make them only able to date men? Just because there is only women in the hypothetical lesbian separatist commune?

Bodily autonomy is only good when they personally approve of it yet again. Otherwise you have to do exactly as they want lest you not be “feminist enough.”

This is one of my biggest issues with radical feminism. They never consider what other women may need, they simply think that all women should follow what they think is right.

"female separatism" isn't something that should be pushed onto every woman/afab person. However, if you want to separate yourself from men/amab people, that's completely up to you, and I will never judge someone for choosing that, unless it's coming from a place of "everyone should do this".

With that being said, I have a whole other post about how ridiculous and hypocritical radical feminism is, so stay tuned for that

[biceratops7]

So here’s the thing,

Being visibly queer to the point of ostracism is historically synonymous with gender nonconformity and I don’t think that’s a conversation some are ready to have.

Gender nonconformity as it pertains to Stede is a hot button topic of debate in the fandom rn, and I love that! So much! Queer theory shit is in right now? Sign me tf up! But I see a lot of posts answering “no” to “does Stede wear feminine clothing?” as if it’s the same question. It’s also being talked about as a binary “to be” or “not to be” as if gender nonconformity is not a concept experienced on a spectrum.

Even if Stede’s clothing can be considered reasonably “masculine” with all the anachronisms, picking flowers, not being able to stomach a “man’s” job, and wearing robes that cause other characters to misgender him are harder sells. The number one thing I see the “Stede is NOT gnc” side say is that these things are only associated with femininity if you’re seeing them from a stereotypical lense. And well… yah. Gender nonconformity is a social construct. That’s what a social construct is. Enjoying bright colors, preferring non-confrontational solutions, wearing a skirt, having long hair, these are all things that are not biologically innate to women. They’re extra characteristics our society uses to construct the idea of a woman. That’s also why gender nonconformity hinges on the cultural context as well. Different societies, different rules.

In order to understand where people are coming from when they say Stede is gnc and use the queerphobia he experiences as evidence, you have to look at the metaphysics. What is homophobia in its original form? What is it made of? I’d argue it’s purest components are the fear that the divides between men and women will break down. It’s considered “an abomination” because sleeping with a man is seen as the natural duty of a woman, and for women, sleeping with a man. Beyond that, all of the baggage that comes with those extra characteristics I mentioned follows suit. Lesbians were by and large excluded from womanhood, in some points of history specifically bottoming was illegal because it was “placing yourself in a woman’s position”, etc.

And that’s not to say masc gay men don’t experience homophobia, they absolutely do. I’m just saying if Stede is experiencing specifically the same bigotry as non-passing queer people do in the form of being excluded from his own gender and even from others in his group, then I don’t think he’s one of those men.

Honestly a thousand kudos to @eluciferate for already bringing Albert from “The Birdcage” to the conversation. Cause he really is the perfect example of not only gender nonconformity beyond the literal surface, but the fact that for many it’s a state of being rather than a conscious choice of queer empowerment. When Albert’s son brings home a girl with very conservative parents, and Albert attempts to “play straight” for his sake… he can’t do it. Even in ultra masculine clothes and trying his best, the nonconformity shines through like toes poking out of old shoes.

Fuck, Stede wasn’t kidding when he said he was “uncomfortable in a married state”. Even the way he carries himself back home looks carefully minded, like his whole life is a play he was horribly miscast for. In other words sometimes you didn’t purposely decide to stick it to the heteronormative man. Sometimes with great gayness comes great responsibility and that’s that.

Jokes aside, we can nickel and dime all his frilly little affects all we want, but at the end of the day Stede is gender nonconforming in a way that goes beyond aesthetic. And I think a lot of people may be hesitant to read him this way because it requires you to acknowledge homophobia in the show, that Stede’s queerness is commented on and something he actively has to mind before even knowing what it is.

[app1es0uce]

TLDR: I am literally, genuinely physically and mentally repulsed by guys romantically liking me or me romantically liking guys, and I want to know the psychology behind it.

———————

So- I had this gay revelation/awakening/realization a while ago, and it’s still kinda plaguing my brain.

I knew for about 5-6 years now that I’m aroace, and not into guys.

But thinking back on it, I was surprised at just how physically and mentally repulsed I was by the idea of guys liking me or me liking guys.

I always thought that it was just me distancing myself because I knew I was aroace, and I didn’t like them romantically, but I was brought back to this time in elementary school where I didn’t even know what the words gay or bi or aro were or that they even existed. There was this boy who liked me, and we sat next to each other, and I remember physically shifting my seat and trying to sit as far away as possible from him because I knew he had a crush on me.

And that was just so interesting to me.

Because even now, when I find out a boy has a crush on me, I’ll distance myself, not talk to him as much, leave him unread, get really awkward or uncomfortable. 

And when I have, what I call an “aromantic panic” where I convince myself I have a crush on someone when in reality I don’t and I just really enjoy their company, I’ll constantly think in my head “Do I have a crush on him? No. Surely not? But do I? Am I really aromantic though? Do I like him? Could I see a future with him? Do I want to kiss him? I like him. Just platonically or..?” And it sucks because it ends up ruining my relationship with the other person because I am constantly in check with myself whenever I’m around that person like “Okay, you think you like him, but you don’t. So don’t act too strongly or else he’ll think you like him or he’ll get a crush on you and it’ll ruin your friendship, but don’t be too distant and rude or else it’ll ruin your friendship” and then it just gets awkward anyway…

But the funny thing is, when I had this aromantic panic about a girl, I didn’t stress about it like I normally did with guys. I would actually forget whenever interacting with this girl that I had a crush on her, and I would just have a nice time.

So it’s so interesting to me, that it isn’t just a “I just like boys platonically” or “I don’t get that romantic attraction to guys” but it can also be a physical and mental repulsion to guys. I had never thought about it that way.

And I just want to know why.

Why am I like this?

And I don’t mean that in a “Why am I like this, there’s something wrong with me” way, but in a “I want to understand why my brain does that, why does it have a natural repulsion to men and not women” way. 

Because it’s so cool to me, I had never realized it until a while ago. I always thought it was just a defense mechanism and I just distanced myself to try and break the bond. But now thinking about it, thinking how even in elementary school, when I didn’t know that not being attracted to men was a choice for girls, or that the lgbtq+ community existed, that I was still repulsed by the romantic attraction of a guy. 

Only guys, not girls. I had two friends when I was in fourth grade who were girls that admitted to having a crush on me, and I didn’t try to distance myself from them. I continued being friends with them, I interacted with them as normal. And it wasn’t just because I was too young to not recognize romantic love, I had recognized it in boys and had at least two boys confess to me so I knew what it was.

But even that young, when I didn’t know I was queer, when I didn’t understand sexuality, I still had that physical and mental repulsion to boys, but not to girls.

And it’s carried on with me till now. 

And it’s so interesting to me, and I want to know why.

Because, as someone who is aroace and not gay or lesbian or bi or pan etc. I had thought it was just… you feel about everyone platonically. If you're gay, you are attracted to women only platonically, as a friend or coworker or stranger, nothing more nothing less. If you were lesbian, you were attracted to men only platonically, you only saw them as another person in your life like a friend or coworker or stranger.

But I didn’t realize that it could be a physical and mental repulsion as well. Or maybe it’s just me and I’m weird, or maybe I’m just understanding wrong, but it’s still very interesting to me.

I’d love to hear thoughts and opinions and maybe stories to validate or relate or educate etc. this and my thoughts and gay awakening. It was very interesting to me to put the pieces together and finally understand myself a little more, and I hope you have a good day today :)

[couldlesbiansavethem]

Nana Komatsu from NANA

Reasoning: "Honestly it’s basically text that being a lesbian could have saved Nana K and a pretty valid read that she already is one in the story. Her self loathing, which is what drives her worst decisions, can be traced back to men. She’s extremely boy crazy but only because she seeks validation from others and is desperately lonely and traumatized after being taken advantage of and being cheated on. She wants to feel needed by the people she loves so that they won’t leave her, so she dives headfirst into romantic relationships and is obsessed with True Love. Eventually she marries a playboy rockstar who is abusive and controlling to her because she thinks she doesn’t deserve real love and because he can give her financial security. She frequently wonders if she is actually in love with him or just trying to justify her own actions to herself, so I think it’s very reasonable to interpret all her relationships as comphet. I don’t want to make this specifically about the ship between Nana Komatsu and Nana Osaki, but in saying that lesbianism could fix Nana K I’m kind of evoking that anyway so I’ll touch on it a little… Nana O is extremely kind and loving towards Nana K and puts a lot of effort into understanding her and making her happy. Nana K has a few moments where she has sexual and romantic fantasies about Nana O (at one point thinking, extremely ponderously, “Doing it with girls…” to hilarious effect), gets jealous when Nana O spends time with her boyfriend, gets REALLY jealous when Nana O spends time with a younger female fan of her band, frequently talks about how deeply she misses her after they drifted apart, and even thinks something along the lines of “Hey Nana, if we were lovers, do you think we could have filled the emptiness inside our hearts by holding each other close?” I think if Nana K had just realized she doesn’t need to date men to feel good about herself, and she started pursuing women instead, she could have healed from her trauma and wouldn’t have made the poor choices that she did. She constantly overthinks and self-sabotages her relationships with men, especially the ones she’s dating, and while her relationship with Nana can be tumultuous, I think she would feel so much more freed from societal expectations in a relationship with a woman." ( @frogs-in3-hills)

[phoenixexho]

9-1-1 Fic WIP

Lena laughed, “Maybe you’re just gay.”

“Ha ha. But I’m being serious here. I don’t know what my issue is. I mean she’s the perfect woman for me.” He dodge out of the way of one of her incoming punches.

“I never met her but she’s fucking gorgeous. Like insanely so. You lost big time.”

“Gee thanks, you really know how to make a guy feel better.” He landed a particularly hard kick to her side knocking her balance for a moment. “Yeah, she’s pretty.” He said, stepping back out of her space. “Her and Chris got along so well, I feel bad for taking her away from him.”

“You feel bad about your son not being able to see your ex? Not about the breakup?”

“Ugh I don’t know Lena.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“I do feel bad about the breakup. I miss her, but I was having panic attacks. Like every time I thought about a future with her I just…”

He shook his head, squaring back up. Lena hesitantly matched his stance, she probably wanted to stop and have this conversation. But that was one thing he loved about Lena, she wasn’t the touchy feely type, if he didn’t want to talk about feelings with her, he didn’t have to.

“Maybe I’m just not over Shannon. Being with Ana didn’t ever feel as comfortable as being with her. I don’t expect all my relationships to feel the same, I’m pretty sure it’s normal for them not to but that would sort of make sense.”

Lena scoffed, “What do you mean you're ‘pretty sure that’s normal’?” her tone lightheartedly mocking.

“Ana was only my second girlfriend” He admitted, suddenly a bit embarrassed.

“Shit, dude. You married your first girlfriend ever?” She sounded shocked.

He shrugged, “I got her pregnant. Not like I had much of a choice.”

“So you didn’t want to marry her?”

“I- I probably wouldn’t’ve married her if she didn’t get pregnant, no. But I loved her. I loved her a lot. And I think she might have been the only one I ever could marry. I don’t know that I’ll ever find someone I feel that comfortable around again.”

“Marriage isn’t about comfort, it’s about love.”

“Yeah, but you can’t marry someone you have panic attacks over a future with either. There’s gotta be comfort too.”

“Usually comfort comes with love.”

“Yeah. Well I don’t think I loved her either if I’m honest with myself.”

Lena didn’t say anything.

Eddie sighed, “Look, I don’t understand it so don’t expect an explanation. But I just kept waiting for the feelings to come and they never did. I mean, she’s everything I’ve been looking for, she’s so good with Chris and yet I never felt a thing for her.”

“Why’d you ask her out then?”

“I just said? She’s everything I’ve been looking for and she was interested in me. Why wouldn’t I have?”

He couldn't quite read Lena’s expression, something akin to pity in her eyes, “Why’d you ask Shannon out?”

He cocked his head at her, “Uhh I didn’t. She asked me out. We were best friends. I loved her before we even went on our first date. Not really something I can re-create. I know love takes time, it did with Shannon, that time just passed before we dated.”

“Sure, yeah. Why didn’t you ask her out then?”

He shrugged, “Never thought about it. I didn’t really put my feelings into context until she asked I guess.”

“You don’t have to question your feelings like that when you actually have a crush on someone.”

“Lena, what are you trying to say? I loved her. I have never doubted that for a second. I loved being married to her.”

“The marriage you spent running away because you didn’t want it?”

“I was a kid, I wasn’t ready, and I lost her by the time I finally was ready.”

“And I am sorry for that. But…god please don’t kill me for saying this. Are you sure your love for her was romantic?”

“Lena, she was my wife.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It should be!”

“Look, Eddie, I’m trying to help. So just like, hear me out a second. For a long time I thought I liked men, I came out as bi before I realized I’m a lesbian. Society has these expectations of us. Especially for women, but knowing the bit I do about the way you grew up, you can probably relate more than a majority of men. We’re expected to fit inside this box, we grow up hearing what our relationships are supposed to look like and it gets hard to separate what you’re ‘supposed’ to want from what you actually want. But when I really sat down to think about it, I just liked the idea of being with a man, the way it made me seem ‘normal’ to an outsider. It wasn’t an easy realization but I am so much happier now that I’m not trying to be something I’m not.”

“Lena...”

“I’m not saying I know better than you do. I just want you to consider it.”

“I’m not- I thought you were joking?”

“I was, but then you started talking and it sounded familiar.”

“Well you’re wrong.”

“Okay.” She didn’t look like she believed him but dropped it anyway.

[our-lesboy-experience]

hello, questioning lesboy here? just wanted to ramble a bit in a safe space, you don’t have to say much of anything in response if you don’t want to.

i’m genderfaunan. it’s similar to genderfaun, the difference being that it means i *can* experience feminine genders, but only if they’re masculine in some way, making them androgynous. personally, i still don’t have them very often.

i definitely experience some sort of queer attraction towards girls. i’m not quite sure *what* kind of attraction (not sexual. romantic?? queerplatonic?? other???), and i get dysphoric if i’m called a girl (even during the rare times i am kinda one. :/ ) i used to call myself panromantic, but nowadays i prefer to use the label achillean. i like putting emphasis on the mlm/nblm/nblnb aspect of my identity, and achillean implies that maybe i’m attracted to girls without saying “this person is for sure attracted to girls in these specific ways.”

but as i was reading through your blog a while ago during my quest to learn more about “contradictory” labels, i was surprised to find that i kind of like the term lesboy? idk if it’s just because “boy” is in the name, and my brain is going “look!! look!! another way to call yourself a boy!!” but i don’t hate it.

i’m hesitant to call myself a lesboy though. it puts a word to the basic idea of “boy(ish) and experiences queer attraction to women,” but i’m worried it’ll still cause me dysphoria. and there’s a couple of people in my friend group who are very against the whole “contradictory labels” thing, at least the last time i talked to them about it. there’s maybe been a few signs a couple of them have changed their minds? i’m at the point where i don’t really care what they think, and i have a few good links to share if the topic is brought up again. but still.

(i have similar feelings about the label boydyke. i might like it slightly better? purely because it puts “boy” first and that could lessen any dysphoria? saphboy isn’t too bad either. honestly, i might end up choosing between labels based on flags alone skdhsk)

…and that’s pretty much all. just wanted to write out my feelings in an anonymous place where people with similar experiences could have the choice to respond. if anyone knows of any similar labels that they think might fit me better, definitely feel free to suggest them!

(also, mod, i saw your post about you taking a break, and i understand if you don’t answer this for a while. hope the internet and elsewhere gets kinder to you <3)

thank you for sharing, I get being worried about the possible dysphoria when trying on these labels. lesbian, dyke, sapphic, etc. still normally have strong connections to womanhood, even if not inherently. also another reason why I think these labels that specify and put an emphasis on how exactly you describe yourself with them is helpful. I like being a lesbian (most of the time) but I love being a lesboy because it acknowledges my bigender/genderfluid identity, it puts the most important parts of myself into one word. no one is making assumptions about my gender, or even really anything else of what I can and can't do because of it being known among inclusive communities

[hiveworks]

OBELISK - Interview with Ashley McCammon

September 2023

The year is 1908. Evelyn Reuter is dealing with the affairs of her deceased father in her hometown of Manhattan. While she takes solace in the homes of her queer friends, grief presses in around her until one day... the mysterious Margot appears in her life.

Obelisk is a 16+ gothic horror/romance comic about vampires and lesbianism. In celebration of Obelisk's return from hiatus, we asked author Ashley McCammon @draculings for an interview.

What was the spark behind making Obelisk? Why a webcomic versus another style of publishing (print, self pub, etc.)?

My original inspiration for Obelisk was in my frustration with lesbian vampire movies - there are so many of them, and none made for a lesbian audience, let alone involving butch women! I wanted to tell that story, and celebrate that point of view. It’s similar to why I chose to set the comic in 1908 - the early 1900s are something of a transitional period, something not explored often when we aren’t talking WWI or the Titanic. I wanted to tell a story about the radical change happening in just a few, unusual people’s lives, in this transitory period. As for it being a webcomic - as a young artist, I always wanted to make one! It’s such an accessible, experimental way to tell a story, where even the website can be part of the atmosphere. Making a deeply atmospheric, spooky comic, that feels the most fitting.

For new readers, how would you describe your two lead women?

Evelyn is muscling through her day to day when we meet her - she’s putting on a brave face, or one that she hopes exudes confidence - but really feels like she has no idea what she’s doing. (The impostor syndrome is incredibly strong - something I think a lot of people can understand!) She’s been left with this enormous responsibility on top of the grief of losing her dad, and having that job and security is pressed on her as something she should be grateful for. She’s absorbed that idea and really hasn’t taken a moment to breathe - or to consider what she really wants for herself. Margot is quite the opposite - she’s a vampire who lives only for her own desires, a hedonist who’s been floating through existence that way for as long as she can remember. For all of her self indulgence though, she’s never connected much with anyone. She holds herself far above people, only ever showing them this facade of a regular person. It’s very arrogant - but it must also be very lonely! (Not that she has anyone to admit that to… yet ;)   )

What can you tell us about what's lurking for Evelyn in the upcoming chapter?

Evelyn makes a very bold choice at the end of chapter two, one that scares her - putting her own desires first, impulsively, in a way that will change everything and surprise even Margot herself. (Patrons read way ahead and will get to see this very soon, and the time she spends with Margot throughout chapter 3 as a result!)

Obelisk is a traditionally inked piece, with some digital final touches. What guided your decision to make this a traditional comic versus a digital one?

It really wasn’t a choice, to be honest - traditional media is where all my passion for making art lives! Obelisk is drawn and inked traditionally, and finished with Copic markers and the occasional paint pen or colored pencil for that killer red highlight ;)

What are some of the challenges in working this way? What do you find rewarding?

It can be tedious to scan, piece together and clean up my pages, but ultimately I have a fairly streamlined process for it and I don’t mind. I love having a physical final product to look at and hold when I’m done with it, it gives me a sense of accomplishment and connection to my work!

Do you have any tips for other comic artists on resuming a series after an extended hiatus?

Put your health first, and spend time reconnecting to your story before diving back in. It’s easy to feel obligated by the hamster wheel of social media and garnering attention, but your own connection to your work in the long-term is what matters most. Obelisk wouldn’t be the same story if I hadn’t had that downtime, and it’s off better for it!

What are some comics that inspire you? Do you have any reading recommendations for fans of Obelisk?

As far as webcomics go, I’m a big fan of Tiger Tiger, Hemlock, Barbarous, and Heirs of the Veil!

What is the best way for fans of Obelisk to support you?

The very best way is through my Patreon! Patrons have immediate access to the next six months of Obelisk pages (that’s my whole buffer!) as well as tons of behind the scenes work as I develop the next chapter and share work-in-progress shots right from my drawing table.

Obelisk updates Wednesdays and can be read for free at obeliskcomic.com 🩸Be sure to white list the site on your ad blocker and follow @draculings for more info and updates!

[magnetictapedatastorage]

Lesbians are attracted to the female sex, regardless of presentation, which angers homophobes. When I was fresh out of the closet in my late teens, a straight woman said to me that she couldn’t understand how lesbians can be attracted to women who “looked like dudes.” Relying only on gender stereotypes that reinforce heteropatriarchy, she eliminated butch lesbians from qualifying as female, because they dare subvert the misogynistic associations with womanhood. They often have short hair and no makeup on. They often walk with an “unladylike” swagger. They have no interest in appeasing the male gaze. They take up space.

“Why not just date a man?” She questioned me, a lesbian more into a female’s gender non-conformity than makeup and dresses. How is that progressive? Equating females with feminine expectations is the most regressive thing imaginable. Lesbians aren’t attracted to the feminine expectations placed on women, they’re attracted to the female sex. Sometimes what we find attractive is the way women don’t conform to feminine expectations. [...] Lesbians are allowed to think about the sinful act of only being attracted to the female sex, but cannot verbalise it without being crucified. On the Lesbian Day of Visibility, the HER team told lesbians to be more bisexual or be more silent: “listen you’re probably not the only LGBTQIA person who needs to reflect personally on why their attraction isn’t inclusive AF,” they wrote. “As long as you keep that [lesbianism] to yourself, and don’t go harassing trans people like a terf, HER is here for your journey.” 

Female homosexuality is not a punishment against trans people. It’s not a personal attack. Communicating your innate attraction, including articulating its boundaries, is not harassment or abuse. It is not hateful to be homosexual.

The end of HER’s aforementioned “journey” is correcting lesbianism with “queerness”: the only fluid, “inclusive AF” sexual orientation. A large, influential platform, for same-sex attracted women to connect, advocating for lesbians to unlearn homosexuality, is encouraging unwanted sex en masse. If it is “immoral” to naturally not be attracted to the male sex, then forcing intimacy with them, against your own will, is the only way to “repent.” 

[femenaces]

i feel like the really complicated part for me about bisexuality as a phenomenon is like the unending nuance. like if we’re being honest there are bisexual people whose experience is functionally basically the same as heterosexuals. and then there are those who come closer to the gay experience, and there are more classic 50/50 bis, etc. like not only is there not common ground with straights and gays, it often seems there’s less common ground than one would assume within the bisexual population itself. and it is the only sexuality where there is an element of choice in what “lifestyle” (forgive me) you pursue. I would say it’s the sexuality that reacts most interestingly to the norms of a particular society/millieu. and none of this can be meaningfully discussed because it’s such a disparaged sexuality that basically any exploratory discussion about these things is fraught to the point of being dead on arrival.

I agree, you bring up an interesting and important point that bisexuals frequently experience "bisexuality" in ways that are so different from one another that two bisexual people might find they don't even have much in common in regards to their internal experience of their sexuality, despite both technically sharing the same label. And I think this is a big reason why many people don’t recognize that they are actually bisexual.

(post-writing edit: I'm about to go on a tangent about some stuff that might make people uncomfortable so if you are not a fan of reading about this topic here is your warning to bail. But if you choose to continue I just want to say that I'm speaking very honestly from my personal experience, and the experiences I've heard from other bisexuals who have reached out to me about this.)

The two main variables I can think of which combine to form very different experiences of bisexuality from person to person are:

(As you mentioned) different ratios of sex preference

Whether or not a person experiences a temporal aspect to this ratio (not everyone does!), and if so, how does it manifest.

The first point is becoming more discussed in recent years but I don't see the second mentioned hardly at all despite it being extremely relevant to many people. I think the lack of awareness and understanding about the temporal aspect is actually a huge factor in bisexual people "misidentifying" themselves. Straight and gay people often assume bisexual people do this on purpose, "pretending" to be straight or gay for personal gain, and while I'm sure that does happen (for a variety of very interesting social reasons too complex to discuss in this response) there's also the reality that if you are a bisexual person who goes through this, especially on the extreme side, you can 100%, truly and honestly, feel like one or the other at different points in your life. And if you go through something like that without the knowledge of temporal changes even being a thing (termed bi-cycling), it is shockingly easy to fall into the trap of assuming you're not bisexual after all, you're gay. Or, not bisexual after all, you're straight. And even when you DO know that this is a thing, it can still be hard to wrap your mind around in the moment and you can still wind up doubting yourself.

This particular concept is one that causes a lot of intense controversy when it's discussed because if you believe people who say "I thought I was (X), but then I discovered I was (Z)" then it could technically happen to anyone, right? And that thought makes a lot of gay & straight people very uncomfortable. I really can't even blame them for it, because in my experience it IS scary and unsettling if you wind up going through it. So a lot of people don't believe it, probably in part because of this, but also in part because it does sound kind of impossible if you haven't had it happen to you.

So to get into a really controversial example, of all those bisexual women who are assumed to have been purposely lying about being lesbian when they wind up dating a man, I'm 100% certain at least some of them are actually being totally honest when they say they never were into men before (Of course the reverse is also true-- ask me how I know-- but isn't usually as controversial for obvious reasons). But if we don't make it more common knowledge that this is one type of bisexual experience, you're going to continue to get a lot of the "I'm gay with an exception" and the "Hang on, I'm actually (a lesbian)/(straight) despite my (sleeping with men)/(women) phase" nonsense that everyone hates.

to conclude:

Why is this a thing that happens to some people? I don't know.

Will this happen to me? Probably not, but I don't know.

How common is it? I don't know. (Like I said, I think many many people are misidentifying themselves because of this and couldn't even be counted in a survey of bisexual people because they don't think they're bisexual!)

This sounds messy. Yes, it is.

[strangesmallbard]

Yo what romance you reading? 👀 Also any recs welcome spread the good taste ✊😩

FJFKJF when i wrote that post i was definitely reading motherland: fort salem fanfiction 😅 i’ve been staying up too late reading fanfiction like some sort of 20 year old who can still do that without risking their health.

BUT i’ve been reading a lot of lesbian romance this year and i’m absolutely down to provide some recs! important disclaimer, however, i only read one (1) subgenre that’s best described as “ice queen lesbian milf office romance” ft an age gap between 21+ adults. understandably this is not everyone’s jam, but i am simply a 20something lesbian who thinks older women are really hot. what can i say

here are five recs in order of preference:

1. “truth and measure” by roslyn sinclair - the original adapted novel version of the same-titled legendary mirandy/devil wears prada fic. jules moretti is the long-suffering assistant of vivian carlisle, the CEO of a prestigious fashion magazine. then vivian gets pregnant mid divorce, with only jules by her side. and it only gets gayer from there.

listen. i genuinely could not stop reading truth and measure by roslyn sinclair. for three days, i woke up, vaguely did my adult tasks, and read for several hours in a state of what i can only call hysteria. the chemistry is insane. vivian is a hot mean loser with sad eyes and jules is insane for every choice she makes. btw i imagined the nanny!era lauren lane as vivian and current day alison scagliotti as jules. i had the time of my life. 10000/10

(also: i still highly recommend the published version to anyone who read the og fic - the story feels both brand new and wonderfully, nostalgically familiar.)

2. “the headmistress” by milena mckay - sam threadneedle, a closeted math teacher working at a conservative girls boarding school, hooks up with an insanely hot older woman at a conference in the city. three months later, that same hot older woman shows up at the school. woops, she’s the new principal and she’s there to cause problems! the prose is decent, the melodrama is fun to read, and the chemistry is zesty. solid 8/10

3. “the music and the mirror” by lola keeley - based on a supercat/supergirl fic of (i think) the same name. anna, the newest member of a prestigious ballet company, really wants to impress victoria, the former prima ballerina turned artistic director. well, she definitely does that! victoria decides that anna is going to be her company’s new star. this one has a lot of homoerotic partner dancing and really great side characters. still reads like a supercat fic, but honestly that’s another plus. 9/10

4. “the love factor” by quinn ivins - set in the 90’s, this book follows a closeted statistics professor and her TA, a very out lesbian political science phd candidate, as they expose a homophobic professor for falsifying data and fall in love. not as horny as others i’ve read, but still wildly tender and cathartic. i loved also how much empathy this book showed towards closeted lgbt folks. 7/10

5. “something to talk about” by meryl wilsner - also based on a mirandy fic, this book follows the misadventures of a hollywood showrunner and her assistant when they’re mistaken for a couple at a red carpet event. this book strained my suspension of disbelief the most—i simply don’t think everyone in emma’s life would be rooting for her to date her boss LMAO—but the chemistry is great and the pining is unreal. 7/10

[storiesofsvu]

My secret:

Feel free to ignore, this may be triggering I just need to get it out. I saw a comment on TikTok today that the lesbian community is very fatphobic and how masc women only like skinny femmes. As a baby gay in recovery from an ED who is now a healthy weight (not skinny) I am FIGHTING my brain so hard. So far I have loved being a lesbian but now I am terrified no one is going to love me unless I loose weight. Especially when people are shouting about a masc shortage, my choices are extremely limited. I’m gonna be alone forever. Anyway, feel free to let this rot in your asks for the rest of eternity. I don’t need a response I just needed to get it out of my head haha. Thank you ♥️

okay, totally understand that you just needed to get this off your chest nonny, but I don't want to just leave it to rot in my ask box, cause i think it's important for lots of people to know.

I'm furious about that comment and that you had to be subjected to it. There likely is fatphobia in the community, it's present in every form of humanity and that fucking sucks and is dumb. The people that hate will hate and continue to spew it but know that there are far more many people in the community/world that don't agree with it. They will love who they love and honestly it doesn't matter what people look like, it's who you are in your heart that matters. (i know that sounds so fucking cheesy and cliche and some bullshit line to make you feel better but it is true.)

As a fellow ED recovery, I feel you, I really do. And know that I am so proud of you for being in recovery and being at a healthy weight. I know how hard that can be and how hard it is to continually break the bad habits on a daily basis. Also body dysmorphia is a fucking bitch, it's hard to block out those thoughts esp in situations like this.

You do not need to change yourself to find love. Ever. Period.

It might seem like you're going to be alone forever, or that you're struggling to find dates, or that dating apps suck (spoiler alert, they do, especially as a queer woman). But if anyone ever tells you to lose weight or change your appearance for them/if you want the to date them, that's the first red flag that you should walk away, they aren't worth it.

i don't really understand the whole "masc shortage" piece of this, because again, imo you honestly can't really help who you fall in love with/develop feelings for. Sure, everyone can have a "type" but if i look at what my "type" is vs the people i've dated or even slept with, it doesn't always match up. I was also a young baby bi girl who thought girls were gorgeous and i liked them sexually and romantically (the first person i developed major feelings for was a girl, i lost my virginity to a girl) but i always thought id never end up with a girl. Now i'm sitting here with a much larger preference for someone who is not a cis man. same thing; i thought i was only into femmes when i was younger but now i'm totally into mascs and everyone in between. I dunno, i'm sure there are people out there who only date femmes or only date mascs and that's chill, you do you. basically what i'm trying to say is that times change, the world changes, and as you grow and discover yourself as a human, your thoughts might change?

Man, i dunno, I'm just a stranger on the internet lol.

[redheadbigshoes]

I feel really depressed as a bisexual women seeing statistically most of us ending up with men. I am not here to bash or discriminate bisexuals who are in opposite sex relationships but this is just a vent. It feels like it’s rare to see a bisexual women in a same sex relationship or the relationship with another women is often short or even a fling. I know this is a stereotype but I don’t find fulfillment in a relationship with a man. With women, it’s an opposite story. I find more fulfillment in a relationship with a woman. I’m not sure if it’s due to the relationships with guys I was in, but I forced myself to conform to the heteronormative idea of what a relationship is. It makes me scared because what if I realize I’m actually a lesbian and I’m not bi? Will I become like every other bi woman and succumb to men???

A lot of bi sapphics are in m/f relationships not because they prefer men but because it’s easier and safer to be with them. If you think dating men or not feels much like a choice, you’re still bi, but only choosing to engage in relationships with women. If you eventually realize you’re a lesbian and not bi that’s okay, sexuality isn’t always so easy to figure it out. There’s a lot of videos I uploaded from Tik Tok here that talk about lesbian experiences that could help you understand more your identity if you wanna check (they’re tagged as #source: patronsaintoflesbians).