#what do i do with myself now my god i have choices. probably nothing immediately i need to let this percolate for a bit i think

[likethecastle]

born on the day the titanic sank, died on the r101. escaping a boat in japan only to finally go down in the year 500,002. charlotte pollard forever dying and living aboard sinking ship to sinking ship

[fandoms-in-law]

Seeing Through

Summary: Today, Steve is moving out and his parents choose now to have one of their random days home.

Author's note: Why does it feel like half these prompts are the same or similar? I need to reduce the amount of Steve songs prompts I put down.

My Idea for this Fic: 'I see Through You' - Taboo songfic - Steve moving out, saying fuck you to his parents.

/\/

They weren’t meant to come home. Steve had planned everything around his parents never being there.

Except there they were pulling into the driveway as the Party helped him load all his things onto Eddie’s van; and his father did not look happy.

“Quit groaning, Wheeler, or you’re unloading all the boxes alone later.” Eddie laughed as he and Mike carried Steve’s mattress out. His parents would assume that was theirs, that Steve was taking furniture they’d brought with him, but after injuries and fighting the Upside Down for so long, he’d replaced it, saved and spent his own money to have a better nights sleep.

“Steven!” His parents had gotten out of the car now, and the yell had anyone close enough hurrying out, concerned looks on their faces. “What is the meaning of this thievery?”

Steve glanced from them back to the house, and around at the people he called his family. “I’m moving out. Not going to leave anything I brought in your mausoleum.” He replied, measuring the space between them and how much slower than a demodog they moved.

After everything they’d fought, after finally moving out, there wasn’t much power his parent could swing over him. Also Hopper was probably just inside, ready to either come out or go to his room depending on how his parents reacted now. The likelihood they’d try to call, or at least threaten them with, the police was decent but Hopper would cut that off immediately if they saw him.

“That mattress-” His father began again, gesturing harshly before Steve cut him off.

“-I brought myself. Yours will be back on that bed frame by now.” That had been his request, whomever was bringing his mattress down put the old one on before bringing it out, and Eddie double checked it just twenty minutes ago.

A cold laugh came in response. “You expect me to believe that? With the crooks van you got to move your things in plain view.”

Steve bristled, glancing over to check Eddie wasn’t about to react for him. “That van and its owner have done more honest work in the last 6 months than you two have in your entire lives. They’re my family; you’re strangers who share my DNA”

“At least we aren’t common thieves.” Hello Mother, nice of you to join the conversation, Steve thought meeting her narrowed gaze.

“Of course you are.” He scoffed, “White collar crime, Nancy called it. Underpaying workers, dodging taxes. You’re crooks in pretty clothes but common enough. I’ve seen through the mask and I’m gone. No more son for you to forget about.”

“We don’t forget you and the destruction you’re doing to our name.”

“Stop twisting your reality to fit your views. This is me taking my life out of your hands in the sweetest goodbye. Actually you’re making it a bit bitter by your presence. How about you fuck off as you usually have done?” Steve had noticed his father focus more on the van again, and Mike stood near it while Eddie disappeared into the back of it. Baiting them would keep the focus where it needed to be.

Possibly not that much though, as his father took a step closer, “You aren’t leaving. What money do you have to-”

“Quite a bit actually. Or did you assume the jobs you forced him to get paid nothing?” Robin was at his side now, Nancy’s handbag under her arm.

“Odd accessory choice. She got one of them?” He quietly asked, knowing that Nance was still likely to have two guns in her bag.

He didn’t need her now before turning back to his parents. “Also Grandfather died. I know you were far too busy for the funeral but I inherited a far amount from him despite you never allowing him contact. Guess you never were god.”

His father tried to retort, but didn’t get a word out. His mother simply levelled a judgemental look at him, one he hoped nobody suggested was similar to looks he pulled, before heading into the house, “And that was your Grandfather’s failing, wasting funds on untrustworthy youth. I shall be ensuring none of our things are taken.”

Once his parents were inside, Robin and Eddie were leaning on each of his shoulder’s, nail bat left leaning against the doors to the truck with Mike. “Wait, did you really inherit from your Grandad?”

“Yeah, we wrote letters for a while. First did it after finding his address, half sobbing cause they’d abandoned me. So many tears cried over such worthless people.” Steve replied, “I found better easily.”

/\

“Steven.” His mother called, stopping him from climbing into the van, some letters in hand. “Why are all these utility companies saying they’ll be cut off from tomorrow?”

He blinked at her, continuing to sit down. “Because I saw through you. You tried turning them off ages ago just expecting me to pick the bills up, so I did. And now I’ve told them all I, the bill payer, will no longer be living here. They were very understanding.”

With the door shutting Eddie had them on their way to the apartment they’d gotten. It wouldn’t be perfect, but it would be far more of a home and a family than he was leaving.

[afterhourwriting]

Warning - none, really I don’t think. All good here, partner 👍🏽]

[Additional warnings - Kyle is a little oblivious in this one, is not proofread to the full degree]

All posts like these are alphabetical order:

Call of Duty Characters reacting to you proposing to THEM.

Alejandro Vargas

Saw it coming a mile away, honestly

You both went out to a secluded hill that gave you a beautiful view of Las Almas, and although Alejandro had a ring of his own, he was both shocked but also predicted you would pull something like this.

When you got on your knees, so did he as you both proposed to each other.

He swears he proposed first to everyone but you recall the entire story to everyone and anyone

◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇

Alex Keller

Literally couldn’t comprehend what the fuck was happening

He was happy, don’t get him wrong, but he was planning to propose

Get off your knees! He already has a ring, you stole his moment!

He’d joke about it for second but would eventually cave and allow you to put the ring on his finger

Still his favorite story to tell people

◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇

John Price

Had it all planned out, then you went and did it yourself

John was obviously shocked as he hadn’t prepared for something like this

It was actually kind of endearing though

He was afraid he might fumble on his words since he had a whole speech planned about how you were his everything, but I guess it can wait until your wedding day

◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇

Johnny 'Soap' Mactavish

Wouldn’t stop making terrible jokes throughout your date so you decided to pull that on him

He immediately shut up when you got down on one knee, pulled out a ring and said “Johnny, shut the fuck up and marry me”

The silence was deadly after that before a smirk curled on his lips

Oh god.

“Didnae ken my jokes were so good ye were gonnae ask me to marry you!”

Never mind, Johnny, forget I even said anything.

◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇

Kyle 'Gaz' Garrick

Say what now?

Probably oblivious for the first half of your proposal

Thought you were just tying your shoe when you got on your knee so he didn’t think much of it.

Then you called his name, pulled out a ring and asked him to marry you

Literally choked on whatever he was eating or drinking out of shock because it was so out of the blue. He just assumed it was a regular date you were taking him on.

Once he calmed down and caught his breath he immediately tackled you to the floor with a kiss and said, “I was afraid you didn’t know how to ask!”

◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇

König

You guys weren’t married already?

Seriously thought that after 2 years of being together, moving in and adopting a cat(or any animal of your choice), you guys were already at least engaged

But then you officially asked, and a look of confusion appeared on his face

“We aren’t married?”

His confusion made you laugh, and his face was red with embarrassment as he thought back to all your moments together and trying to determine when that mindset came to him

◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇

Mace

It’s funny you’re trying to propose

The second you get on your knee and pull out a ring he stands you back up, takes the ring from you and gets on his knee himself

You would have laughed if you weren't so confused, but Mace wanted to do this proper, he wanted to be the one to propose

Once he explained you did eventually allow yourself to let out a giggle before letting out a “Yes, I will marry you!” And allowing you to place the ring on him like you wanted

◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇

Simon 'Ghost' Riley

“What.. are you doing?”

Is very perplexed by the situation

He gives you a look that almost seems like he didn’t want to wed, but when you got up and apologized he stopped you and brought you back down.

“No. I want to get married, I just.. was planning on doin’ this myself.”

He slipped his left glove off and handed his hand to you, saying nothing but giving you a silent yes as you slipped the ring on him.

Either never wore that glove again, wore the ring over the glove, or put the ring on a necklace so you were close to his heart

◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇

A/N: So proud of myself for learning how to make gradient text.

[thatdangeroussmile]

I ascended Astarion for the first time and I was given the option to Detect Thoughts before I knelt to see “What he really thinks of me”.

Long post but interesting analysis of Ascended Astarion and him turning the player character under the cut

Things to keep in mind (but that I know probably don’t really matter):

Approval was at Exceptional (100)

This is a Dark Urge play through so I’m the literal child of a God (which all companions knew at this point)

No Astral tadpole had been used or discussed (the subject was dropped entirely which now I regret).

I did indeed have sex with Mizora and I am also romancing Halsin (both interactions have no impact on your romance with Astarion)

So tell me why, when I did my wisdom check to detect thoughts, I GOT MY FUCKING FEELINGS HURT.

LIKE MY ACTUAL FEELINGS.

FOR REAL, MY GUY? AFTER EVERYTHING? YOU’RE GOING TO DEGRADE ME FOR ETERNITY?

BUT FOR WHY?

And when I refused, “it’s not hard to find someone like me once in a millennia” is what he spat at me (while checking his nails so unbothered) and the interaction ENDS ABRUPTLY.

I, of course, went back and went through with it because I went through hell trying to ascend this fucking asshole but I could use some insight on why Ascended Astarion decides to start degrading you as soon as he ascends.

I kissed him at camp just after Cazador’s dungeon, and I got one of the three very degrading kisses and my character hadn’t even been turned yet. Thank goodness it wasn’t one with the slap included.

It was all downhill after the long rest.

SO LET’S UNPACK THIS

At first, I was like, after all that he went through it sucks he’d turn me into a spawn too. You have an option to say this to him before he changes you and he again, tries to explain it away, gaslight, and manipulate you into trusting him so he can bite you.

But, it isn’t just a bite. Not like when he was changed right?

RIGHT! In my mind, I was like, I’m not delulu he’s definitely toxic but this toxicity feels unfortunately familiar.

I reblogged a post (I don’t have it now but scroll and you’ll find it) that got me thinking, why would Larian make this choice for Ascended Astarion if AA is the real Astarion without the mask? Spawn Astarion spent the whole game talking about how much being a spawn sucked and then as soon as he isn’t one is going to try to make us one? That doesn’t make any sense story wise OR character wise.

Anyway, the post in question talks about creating a vampire bride and the lore in Dungeons and Dragons 2e.

Even if you are or arent familiar with the lore but have played bg3 to hell and ALWAYS romance Astarion, chances are you always have the dialogue after he feeds on you in ACT 1

Where he says, “If I’d been a true vampire, that bite would have turned you into a vampire spawn, like myself”.

The dialogue goes heavily into what it takes to make a true vampire, but we also immediately learn that if you’re a true vampire, it doesn’t take much to make a spawn (Astarion’s change into spawn follows 5e rules- the bite must take hit points to zero and then he was buried in the ground for him to rise the next night under Cazadors control). Meaning, if us as the MC had been paying attention, there is no exchange of blood to make a spawn. The subject gets nothing. They are bitten, dead and buried to rise as a slave.

Returning to the part of the ACT 1 dialogue about how one makes a true vampire, Astarion says “In Theory” meaning he isn’t sure. But yes, “The Vampire would drink your blood and you’d drink theirs,”.

Sound familiar?

ACT 3 right before he changes you, “I’m going to drink you dry and then grant you one drop of my blood”.

This isn’t how you make a spawn. This is how you make a true vampire or more specifically for the case of the game a vampire bride but the ritual is almost the same.

They drink your blood, you drink theirs.

Another way you can tell that he didn’t turn you into a spawn is that, when Spawns emerge, the emerge knowing exactly what to do and how to be a vampire.

Because your character was not turned into a spawn but is still very much bound to Ascended Astarion (if you’re dark urge and go to the tribunal after and try to throw your weight around as a child of bhaal, they call you a slave and then initiative starts), is because you’re a Vampire Bride(gn).

Vampire Bride’s do not wake up knowing what the hell is going on so AA straight up lies to you. You do indeed have free will and while, no you still cannot just walk away because he’s still your creator, he can’t compel you to do anything. And, that’s why you’ll still be seen as a slave by outside forces and other gods because you would need AA permission to break your bond.

Anyway, why this toxicity felt familiar is because the first thing he says is “Thank you for trusting me”. And then he goes ahead and lies to you and DEGRADES YOU TO MAKE YOU FEEL POWERLESS.

And then love bombs you to make you stay “The world will be yours and mine, etc”

MORE DEGRADATION

BECAUSE FOR ALL YOU KNOW, YOURE A SPAWN AND COULDNT LEAVE IF YOU WANTED TO.

Even though he made you a true vampire, his bride. And instead of telling you that and trusting you, he degrades and lies to you and makes you think he could control you at any time to MAKE SURE YOU NEVER LEAVE HIS SIDE.

[azurethevampire]

I tend to find drabble prompts so much easier if I look up the lists and this was on one! With any of the Chicago shows please!

"Can you bail me out? Please?"

The reader in this is loosely based on another Chicago One OC of mine, different from the one appearing in my previous Chicago Fire fics.

Enjoy!

•-•-•-•-•

The line kept ringing. He wasn't going to pick up, was he? 

Your fingers nervously tapped against the back of the phone, your mind hyper-aware of the watchful eyes of the officer sitting next to you. You glanced up at him, biting your lip as the phone rang for the fifth time. 

The officer looked young, and he must be new in the force. Otherwise your last name alone should have told officer Morgan who you were related to. Then again, maybe it did and he just didn't care. 

Sixth…

"Tough luck, kid." Good god, could a man sound any more smug? 

The line rung a seventh time. C'mon, pick up the cursed phone! 

Officer Morgan reached a hand towards the phone already, you leaning back in your seat as much as you could. "No, wait, he'll–"

"Halstead." 

"Finally!" You exclaimed, hearing a familiar voice pick up the line at last. Unable to keep your pent up stress about the situation at bay any longer, you snapped "What the hell took you so long?!" Immediately regretting your choice of words at the look officer Morgan was giving you. He even crossed his arms over his chest. Feeling hotness creep up to your ears, you grimaced.

"Y/N? Is that you?" 

"No, it's the Sandman calling to you", you deadpanned. Grimacing again right after the words left you. "Sorry!" You quickly said more to officer Morgan's (who looked this close to ripping the phone away from you) benefit than your brother's. 

"Yes, it's me, Will." 

"What's up, Bean? I'm kind of in a hurry right now." 

Unbeknownst to Will, hearing your childhood nickname made you feel even worse for what you were about to ask. 

"Uh, okay, I get it, you're busy doctoring or whatever, but I'm… well, I'm here and I found myself in a bit of a - uh, situation?" 

"Here where?" Will asked. "Are you hurt?" Ah, always the doctor, wasn't he? 

"Um… Chicago police station?" 

"... What did you do?" You could practically hear him pinch his nose from his end of the line, probably wondering what trouble you had gotten yourself into and why was it always him you called when you needed help. 

There was a simple answer to that. Jay was a cop. Besides Will was the oldest, so by your reasoning, it was him first you went to with pretty much everything and Jay second.

"Nothing!" Your voice raised an octave. "It's a misunderstanding, I promise! Look, just… Can you bail me out? Please." You added in your best innocent voice. 

There was sigh on the other end of the line. Then muffled exchange of words with someone as Will most likely covered the microphone with his hand. 

"Alright." He eventually returned. "Which precinct station are you?" He paused just enough time for you to supply the information. 

"And Y/N?" 

"Yeah?"

"Jay's coming too." 

With that Will hung up, leaving you to process his words. The world just wasn't fair to you today; instead of one brother you had to face two. You really had hoped that by contacting Will there could have been a chance Jay had never found out about this stupid mistake of a mess you found yourself in. 

[holly-fixation]

Sharing my first FFVII experiences for fun: (spoilers for a 25 year old game below)

-I have no idea when or how I learned who Sephiroth was. I just knew "oh yeah that's Cloud Strife and Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII". "Cloud has a big sword called the buster sword. Sephiroth has a big katana". Literally Cloud got into Smash and I'm like "Oh cool it's Cloud" But I knew NOTHING

-let me be clear, I haven't played a kingdom hearts game either. WHY I knew them both, I do not know.

-my brother introduced me to to One Winged Angel about a year after Cloud got onto smash. And I fell in love immediately. With the song. Yes, the song. He said "hey you should learn how to play this on piano". It took me 2 years to learn but that's besides the point. He showed me the Advent Children fight and I thought it was cool and all but it was really the SONG that got me.

-soon after he showed me Aerith's death. Why? There's this mash up of Spongebob's "stepping on the beach" and OWA and it WORKED?? But in the video they photoshop spongebob's face on Sephiroth when he kills Aerith. Then he kinda had no choice but to show me the actual scene (again, I had no context)

-So my brother bought me VII after he played it under the condition that I do not look anything up. No online walk through or anything, He was my only guide. He didn't want me spoiling myself with anything else that happened in the game, which was fair. Because he purchased VII for me, I listened. He was my only source of help.

-This lead to a few problems. Recruiting Yuffie without a guide is just AWFUL. I got lost and confused so many times. I never learned how to breed chocobos. I never got Knights of the Round. I didn't understand that stronger summons were just summons you got later, not a higher level materia. I didn't know about the single save point you can set in the Northern cave.

-Most inportantly: I never met Vincent.

-I had no idea how good of a healer Aerith was, so losing her abilities hurt. Yes her death still made me sad even though I knew it was coming. Ill argue it hurt the same amount because I watched every piece fall into place up to her death knowing what was at the end of the tunnel. But after it, I was so mad I had no good healers, I made Cloud my healer so I'd never lose them again.

-Two words: Black Materia. God I was not ready.

-Because I played it on a modern console, it had cheats like max health + limit breaks at all times, turning off random encounters, and triple speed. I did use triple speed a lot for farming sessions. And Though I made it through most of the game without the (basically) god mode, I did use them for the two robots in the elevator of Shinra Tower.

-I also used them through the entire Northern Crater because I didn't think the game was over yet. The third disk just started, I went straight down into the crater, and I didn't see a single save point. This couldn't be the end of the game, right?

-I literally did not acknowledge this was truly the end of the game until One Winged Angel began. I turned off cheats immediately and genuinely tried with what might possibly be the worst materia set up possible.

-I used Ramuh against Sephiroth. RAMUH. The man was doing so little damage it was pissing me off because "This materia is maxed out! Why isnt it doing more damage??"

-So after probably 10 Supernovas and at least 45 minutes, I turned cheats back on. I did not care anymore. NONE of my characters/materia were strong enough for this and I'd been playing for probably 4-5 hours straight at this point.

-anyway I had already seen and not understood any thing that happened in Advent children, so once I finished the game, I watched the movie again a few days later.

-Skip a few years and now we're here.

-oh I also never got that scene with Zack in the bottom of Shinra Manor.

-use a spoiler free strategy guide, kids.

[my-wishful-purpose]

You may not want communication or to confront the ugly truth, but its corpse is practically rotting in whatever room we're both in at the same time. You want me to be honest? Fine. So be it.

I'm tired—exhausted, even—of you. It's always been you and your willingness to turn a blind eye to our festering problems, to get defensive and pissed when I so much as bring anything up anymore. You're tired of me and everything I don't talk about, and I the same. You're tired of my self destructive behavior and how I'm quick to wish to kill myself when I feel as though things are out of my control. I understand that.

You don't get any choices anymore—not that you wanted them to begin with, and I've given you too many to count at this point. If you want me making decisions on your behalf, then I will. Gladly, if I'm being honest with myself here. Therefore, I believe it's best if we take a little break for awhile. Just as a refresher.

There's no real care in your end of the relationship, isn't it? No matter how much I try, you bare your fangs. Such an aggressive stance to take, really. Not that you can help it, given your nature.

I should've known better. I should've known we'd never truly last—I mean, since when has it ever worked out in any other universes?—I should've known that a marriage built on the remains of beer bottles and glasses of wine would end up going absolutely nowhere. Alcohol messed with my mind back then. I don't even know what I was thinking.

Nonetheless, there's no love lost. Well. Not for me, at least. I imagine by the time you read up to this point, you'll either want to snap my neck yourself or you'll be numb while staring at these words. Oh, yes, I know you well. A mix of anger and despair, most likely. I don't hate you. Never have. Not sure if you'll believe me by now, but I've never been quite able to bring myself to hate you, no matter how frustrated I've gotten with you as of late.

Oh well.

I do care, I do love you still. Nothing's been signed, if you're worried about that. I'll leave you to hash out those details if you so wish—Ah, a contradiction to what I mentioned earlier, isn't it? You should know by now that I'm contradictory—but nothing has been set into motion to officially separate us. Furthermore, I've still kept my ring—altough I admit it's hidden from mine and everyone else's view now, since it remains on my person in my pocket nowadays. On a different note, I'm not sure about this whole 'having kids' thing. We're definitely not suited for it, and given how I feel already,,I probably need something to get rid of just to feel something, anything. A void that can be filled with other things—more ungodly alcohol, I presume, since I've been considering it anyways. Wouldn't do any good with children, would it?

You won't like this next one—Oh, but since when have you liked anything I've done?—but when you're in my office, keep your distance. Assumimg I'm still alive after all of this, any area not immediately around me is fair game. You'll still be able to protect me and act as my right hand, even from there. Although... do you even want to protect me at this point? God, I'd rather just have you strangle me to death with your bare hands and take my seat as the boss. Or you could ravage the place to the damn ground. I'm indifferent on what you personally choose. Don't assume my apathy is a constant, though. I'm at my wit's end here.

Lastly, I'd like to apologize. Just in general for everything.

In any case, I hope this... whatever it is... finds you well.

Farewell, Chuuya.

(@yearningfortheend)

. . .

[nayruwu]

I feel same way about ons as you :') I got into it because of gureshin it's been long since I already lost interest alas. I was wondering what do you think of characters like guren shinoa mika & krul? I really liked them back then but now I'm really disappointed with how author wrote them since past few years & weirdly fandom still tries to act as if nothing wrong with them but "people didn't read correctly"

hello!! :D

i'm sorry that so many others seem to be suffering the same way i am, but it's also a little reassuring. at least we're not alone in our misery.

and i think answering your question will be quite fun!

well guren, obviously i love guren. he's so sad and pathetic and tired and broken he's like a wet cat. the way he loves, the way he does terrible things and hates himself for it but does it anyway because he knows he has no other choice, it's so intriguing and painful. i love it. there's aspects that bother me when reading the novels, like when i cannot for the life of me grasp why he is doing what he's doing, or when he's being an arrogant asshole. but then i read the paragraphs my friends have written about him and love him with my whole heart again. i think they called it blorbo-in-law, that fits it quite well.

but i feel like i need to mention, i totally get why people got so mad with him recently. the way it was handled with the kids just immediately forgiving him again after one word was just... not good. i wasn't kidding when i said i wanted him to be more evil. it was a lot more exciting when him and mahiru first started that "let's betray everyone" stizzle and we weren't sure if he was actually going to harm anyone. it was serious, oh the suspense! now he's just our friend guren again. let him go batshit insane. please. he's not a saint, and he doesn't need to be.

at this point the only one i can trust to truly judge and be mad at him for more than half a panel is shinya. and that's a little odd. also he's currently in eeby deeby.

ohh shinoa! i used to like her a lot. it's only natural, i guess, since she is so similar to shinya. i always thought her to be a less extreme version of him - shinoa was also trained to be numb and hide herself behind jokes and smiles, but she seems to retain more of her emotions than he does. she's scared of dying, she's not much of a killing machine, and she is very much capable of developing actual romantic feelings for someone. wow, shinoa!

now, the problem is the toxic view of love that mahiru drilled into her head, and how the story will adress that, if at all. i don't mind her crush on yuu, it's her proof of not being dead inside or worthless or meant to be alone. but the way she acts on it is quite selfish. she's taking after her sister a little too much for my liking lately. "i will get yuu back, even if i have to kill mikaela to do it", alright miss mini mahiru. chill.

i would very much like someone to drill some sense into her head.

as for mika, he was my favourite for quite some time. i'm afraid i can't speak on him anymore, though, since he's kinda wiggled himself out of my field of interest. younger me would be going insane over his angel self... but now, i actually don't have anything to say about him. he exists. he's a massive scapegoat. i wish we could have seen him bond with shinoa squad.

krul is great solely because she's somehow the only female character who doesn't have a crush on some guy. hooray for vampirism! i don't have that many thoughts on her either, but i do adore her. she treated mika fairly well, she acted against vampire laws, she was more trustworthy than others. and god, that chapter where she was turned into a vampire was so awful, i loved it. more of an ashera-perspective probably, but still! as i've mentioned, i'm not a fan of her and all the black demons having been angels before, so i can't bring myself to look forward to their reunion as much as i used to. but i'd still like to see it.

[mslangermann]

The video file comes attached to a blank email. No subject line, no body text. Nothing but Alice's personal email address to identify it by. She's seated in front of a dark background, a single flickering lamp barely illuminating the background. In the center of the frame sits Alice, her eyes red and puffy as though she were crying just off screen. "Hi, Lynn." Her smile is a faltering ghost before it falls away completely. She takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. "God, I don't know how to do this." Shaky hands smooth back over her hair before she can look back at the camera again. "I just wanted... I wanted to say goodbye to you. And this is the only way I can bring myself to do it."

Teeth catch on her bottom lip, tears obviously threatening to spill again. "I know what you're probably thinking right now. You want to dig and make sense of it. I can't tell you not to investigate -- that'll just make you want to do it all the more." A soft laugh exhaled through her nose. "Maybe you don't understand why I-- Or maybe you understand better than anyone. I won't waste time trying to justify myself. My reasons, my choices, they're my own. And I don't think it's what you'd want to hear right now anyway." She sighs, her shoulders falling, and the exhaustion on her face seems to deepen as some of the tension leaves her.

"More than anything I wanted to say that I'm sorry for putting you through this. Please don't blame yourself. You can hate me, if you want -- I'd rather you think I'm stupid and selfish than think it was in any way your fault. You couldn't have talked me out of it, Lynn. I need you to know that." Another breath, this one held longer as Alice straightens up in her seat. "Sometimes to move forward, we have to do the unthinkable. I hope, someday, you can forgive me, and even if you can't... Thank you, Lynn. For everything." She musters a weak smile before she leans forward to turn the camera off, and the recording cuts to black.

… I need you to know that. 

Lynn pauses the video, her gaze fixed on how @miswaken's hands moved to her lap outside of the shot. Thin fingers. Trembling fingers. And yet, in this one, fleeting moment, there is a sureness in her frame. It fills her with a subtle determination, an acceptance of what she’s about to do - or so Lynn believes. A click of her mouse and video plays once more. The Alice in the video, just one of many fragments she left behind, straightens - an act Lynn has watched a hundred times over - and instinctively Lynn’s eyes flick to the lamp behind Alice, knowing the exact second it will flicker. By her count, it flickers four times over the course of the 22 second video. 

There is no obvious pattern to it. No consistency. During her first replays of the video, Lynn thought it to be code, a signal Alice sent through for her to decipher. Unraveling the secret of the light to provide any reason as to why she did this. Morse code was immediately ruled out. And if the number of flickers was relevant, Lynn couldn’t wrap her mind around how. Four… four what? Four days until she took her life? No, the video was created nine days before Alice’s death was confirmed. The number four rolled around in her head ceaselessly for days, plaguing her as she tried to make sense of it. Reluctantly, after a string of unfounded conclusions, she eventually admitted defeat and left the light alone, adding its significance to a mental stack of dead ends. 

Sometimes to move forward, we have to do the unthinkable. 

Pause. The unthinkable. Earlier in the video, Alice claims Lynn may understand why, and perhaps in some ways she does - she knows the horror of losing a loved one, she knows the hell Alice has been through - but for Alice to do what she did, to take her own life, doesn’t add up. An outside perspective would simply say Lynn has yet to accept the death of her friend, that she spends her nights replaying the video left for her over and over again, analyzing each pixel, printing off relevant shots, filing and connecting the evidence she’s pulled together, as a way to cope. Perhaps there’s a sliver of truth to that, but Lynn knows there is something else here. It’s an instinct that gnaws so deep within her and it’s rare that her gut steers her astray. 

Play. 

I hope, someday, you can forgive me… 

Pause. It was this line that kept her company while she walked through the opening of the gallery dedicated to Alice’s final project: The Dark Place. Alice’s words rang in her head, a dull, pounding ring so similar to her bouts of tinnitus, as she stood before a screen. It was set up in the corner of the gallery, a warning label fixed on a sign stationed before the setup that read “Trigger Warning: Suicide.” Lynn stood alone past the sign watching as each gray still brought her friend closer to the edge. The moment her foot reaches the edge, Lynn’s stomach lurches and her heart follows, plummeting into a deep trench she wasn’t sure it would come back from. And yet no matter how painful it was, Lynn continued to watch. Searching for answers. 

The answers had not come. No matter how much she pours over the video, the police reports, the emails, the photos, the financials, the fact Alice so meticulously prepared for her end, she never finds answers. They evade her, as though she is chasing shadows in the dark. 

Play. 

Thank y-

Pause. The last remaining seconds of the video have played on Lynn’s computer in real life, slowed down, sped up, broken up, twisted and pieced back together so many times she’s lost count. But the ache of those words - thank you, Lynn, for everything - carve a hole deep into Lynn’s chest. The vacancy welcomes her guilt, a feeling so potent she is physically sick with it. She should’ve pushed harder to find out why Alice had been so withdrawn. She should’ve been there for her. She should’ve helped. She should’ve done more. She should’ve known. She should’ve. Should’ve. Should-

The incessant analysis of it all falls apart and so does Lynn. At first, it’s a sharp sound in the back of her throat, a whining that spills into a choked sob. Her laptop is shoved back, nearly falling off the table as she scrambles to a stand, the chair squeaking on her kitchen floor. The sobs rack through her now. So powerful she loses her breath and is forced to grip the table. Hot tears roll down her cheeks and she can do nothing but cry and sob and shudder and gasp. She wants to knock the table over - even tear down her entire apartment if she could. It’s an instinct that falls away as she sinks to the floor, her sobs evolving to broken wails. She’s trapped in this moment, the agony of it all pinning her like a taxidermied butterfly, its wings fixed in flight it would never know again. 

“I’m- … sorry. I’m so sorry.” Lynn manages to sputter. “I’m sorry.” 

Somewhere above her the video has begun again, a result of her shove, and Alice’s voice echoes in the empty space. 

Please don’t blame yourself. 

“I’m sorry…” 

The video plays again. Caught in a loop as Lynn sinks deeper and deeper into the swirling guilt that threatens to swallow her whole. 

[the-cookie-of-doom]

I've been in nursing school for a year now, and the stress of everything has been seriously wearing me down. After nearly 4 months in clinical being made to feel like an idiot, I find myself doubting my choices more often than not. But then I'll have an interaction with a patient at just the right time to remind me exactly why I'm here, suffering through his god-awful program.

A few weeks ago, a patient my age came in, massive trauma victim. She'd been camping in the mountains for a few days when she crashed an ATV. Honestly, she's lucky to be alive. Her friends had to run 2 miles through the wilderness to get to a payphone and call for help. She'd spent a week in the hospital by the time I met her, when she'd finally asked someone if there was any way we could wash her hair.

The normal system we use is these shower caps that have soap in them, and they're awful. Especially when you have thick, curly hair that's almost down to your waist. Walking into that room, seeing this poor kid who could barely move due to her injuries, my heart just broke. Her hair was so dirty after almost 2 weeks without a proper shower that it looked wet from where I was standing in the door.

Together with another nurse tech, we managed to improvise and figure out how to get her hair washed. The beds aren't made for it, we don't have the equipment for it, and like I said she could barely move. But we made it work. I spent probably an hour and a half carefully washing and combing through her hair with nothing more than a regular barber's comb, until it was completely clean and tangle free, and braided it after so it could stay that way.

Just this week I was able to help another young woman that I wasn't assigned to. I didn't know anything about her situation, but I overheard another of my classmates (her assigned student) tell the nurse tech that she needed help and didn't want him to do it. The nurse tech essentially told him it wasn't her responsibility to accommodate that, she was too busy, and the patient needed to either accept his help or get over it. I overhead, and stepped in to see what was wrong.

When I got to the room, the patient was crying and hyperventilating, couldn't tell me what was going on, and looked overall distraught. I was able to just sit with her for a few minutes to calm her down, find out what was wrong. She was hot and sweaty, needed a new gown/sheets. Understandable, no problem. I went and got the stuff, brought her a cold drink and a fan, got her changed, etc. The whole time she kept apologizing because she didn't know what was wrong with her, she wasn't usually like that, she didn't have anything against the guys it was just too much...

The whole time, that nurse tech from before was with me, too. Despite telling my classmate she didn't have time to deal with it, she almost immediately followed me into the room, kept trying to take over what I was doing, all while looking incredibly frustrated with the patient. Making her feel even worse. Once we were done I got the tech to leave so I could talk with the patient, let her know it's okay, that she was just overwhelmed and it's understandable. I reassured her that we're there to take care of her, she deserves to feel safe and taken care of in the hospital. The whole time, she didn't feel comfortable asking for anything else because of how she was treated before me.

Nursing school focuses on building a therapeutic relationship with patients. We need them to trust us and believe they'll be taken care of. It's easy to say you chose health care because you want to help people, but it's also really easy to lose that compassion. Sometimes you don't realize you're doing it. I don't blame that nurse tech, she really was busy. And when you're a working nurse with multiple patients to care for, you don't always have the time to spend an hour or two washing someone's hair, or handling their emotional breakdown with patience. But I think too often, people don't even try.

These relationship's with patients are exactly what's getting me through the misery of nursing school. I'm not out there curing anyone right now, but I know I'm having a positive impact in people's lives. I'm doing my best to show that you can still trust that when you're in the hospital, during one of the most vulnerable times in your life, someone will be there to take care of you and care for you.

I've worked in health care for two and a half years now. My philosophy has always been to maintain patient dignity above all else. It's so easy to forget the person lying in that bed is still a person, and not just a patient, or a set of tasks that have to get done at a certain time. You can't let yourself forget the care in healthcare.

[jubileebloom]

5.5 years ago MLP FiM brought back Starswirl the Bearded and now I'm losing my goddamn mind over linguistics

First of all. Five and a half years. Really??? It's been that long???? God I feel really old, and I can't even legally drink round these parts yet. Ponies do things to the brain.

Anyway. On to me ranting about this here unicorn wizard and the weirdness of language instead of doing something useful like studying for finals. He's not even the sole pony to blame for my current descent into madness but he was probably the main catalyst behind it.

I don't know what they did with Starswirl's show appearance that made me drawn to him so immediately—choice of voice actor? design? demeanor? sheer dark magic? who knows—but anyone who knows anything at all about me knows that I've had an on-and-off obsession with this man. It's inescapable. He fundamentally rewired some of my neural connections. Like yes he's a jerk to Twilight and everyone else but that was him at his most stressed and probably at his lowest point because Twilight had just dragged him back to life after he had given himself up to be practically dead to contain the highly dangerous threat that Twilight had just brought back to Equestria but I'm going to keep the psychology lecture to myself for now. I have more important unimportant things to get to.

So. I'm obsessed with Starswirl. And as people sometimes do when they're obsessed with a character, especially one who doesn't come with a lot of canon backstory, they come up with headcanons. And in this MLP managed to do something to me that had never truly been done before to this scale: get me interested in history. Not real history, of course. That would have to wait until later. But the history of Equestria was made keenly relevant, with a new cast of characters ripped right out of the deep past and dropped into the present. We already had Luna and Celestia, of course, but I was more than happy to entertain myself just imagining up sisterly shenanigans rather than dragging myself through a made-up history lecture. I had wondered about their past, but nothing I ever read up about or thought up myself really called to me. Not like the Pillars did.

To make a very long story short, Starswirl ended up doing the thing that characters I like sometimes do. Sometimes I make up headcanons about characters. Other times, it seems that I'll just be thinking about them one day, and suddenly the character in question appears in my mind, but now they have stories, stories that have nothing to do with canon but that they have suddenly brought to me and are now explaining to me in great detail. It's not a conscious choice to write backstories for these characters; they come to live in my subconscious already fairly fleshed out, leaving me to only make a few edits here and there. And now this shortened long story is already getting longer than I wanted, so I will limit myself to only one more sentence. Starswirl was the kind of character who seemed to suddenly come to me with a lot of headcanon backstory, and one piece of that was that my mind seemed to have decided on a whim that he should be fluent in some sort of almost-dead ancient unicorn language.

By this point the title should hopefully be slightly less confusing.

What a marvelous idea, I thought! But ancient, almost-dead unicorn languages are hard to come by these days. So if I wanted to give more weight to this idea, on the off chance I wanted to write a fanfic about it later or something, I'd have to make one myself.

So now I'm dipping my toes into the world of conlangs (constructed languages). In order to invent this language (Archorn, I'm thinking of calling it) I'm going to probably want to find real-life languages to reference in its creation. And if the common language they speak in the show (I'm just calling it Common for simplicity's sake) is similar to English, and if I'm assuming this Archorn language I'm inventing is an ancestor of the common language much like English has roots in many other languages, then I should draw parallels between Archorn and some of the languages that influenced English. Makes sense, right?

Except now I have to figure out what role Archorn would play in influencing Common before I can truly construct it. Or at least, that's what it feels like to me. In reality, I do not have to be doing any of this, I am merely driven to by the demons (hyperfixations) that possess me (are more appealing than my college coursework).

This also leads me to be curious about what other languages might have been used among pegasi or earth ponies. And now I feel like I have to make those up too. I'm gonna be here a while, and that's before I even get into other non-pony species who may have also contributed to the common tongue, and also just having non-pony languages for the sheer sake of having those languages.

So here I am, hours deep into several rabbit holes about linguistics, pushing back my starting line further and further away while I find more prerequisites that I have to fulfill before I feel like I can actually go and make something to quell the thirst for fictitious knowledge in my soul.

Oh, all that wasn't even mentioning that Shadow Play also tried to introduce some bits of Old Ponish. Go figure.

But anyway. Now I have So Many Thoughts and nothing that I can possibly do with them. Because in order to invent one language I feel like I have to invent all of them to figure out the role that they all play. And before I do that I'd need to extensively map out the cultures and politics of Equestria and beyond over time to see what forces shaped language development. Sigh. Why do I get myself into these things.

Thinking about the languages of other creatures is really cool though. I have to imagine beak-specific sounds or chirps/whistles would play some sort of role in griffon and hippogriff native languages, and hippogriffs turning to seaponies would come with some changes to the language to work around their new extra wet environment. Yaks definitely seem to speak the common tongue in ways that more resemble the structure of their native language. This is all just speculation on my end, but it actually makes a lot of sense that yak language would have a smaller vocabulary, or at least use less words at once while speaking, and generally be spoken louder. I'd imagine in their far north environment, it would be important to get information across to other yaks quickly and effectively, and especially if they're shouting over snowstorms and trying to not freeze their tongues they'd favor shorter sentences and simpler, more direct ways of saying things. It also makes sense that Yona refers to herself by her name while speaking instead of first-person pronouns, again signaling a need for high clarity while communication. If you're stuck in a blizzard and you can't see very far in front of your own face, you don't have time to sit there and try to puzzle out who you're talking to when you're shouting at each other to try to figure out where you are. You all use your own names so every yak can keep track of each other and know who's who at any point.

Anyway. It's way past midnight where I am, I have about fifty gazillion assignments I need to somehow finish tomorrow, and I'm cutting off my rant here for the night. If you read all this, props to you I guess?

[freshthoughts2020]

THE THREE WORDS I'D SAY TO MY 18 YEAR OLD SELF

THE THREE WORDS I'D SAY TO MY 18 YEAR OLD SELF'

February 5, 2024

I saw a meme today that posed the question, what would you say to your 18 year old self using only three words. I always love these type of hypotheticals.

I believe I made mostly great life choices thus far but like everyone you think about how you could’ve did somethings differently. I love how things panned out but if I really had the choice to affect something I would put me on my current path sooner.

So what’s the three words I would say to myself? I would say “Become a Lawyer”. If you know anything about my back story, you know I didn’t give a clown’s nose about becoming a lawyer. It was more logical for someone like my brother or my mother to become one. My brother because, my Grandma would always tell him, “Jay you like to argue so much you need to become a lawyer” (wait until she find we spend 90% of our time avoiding arguing lol).

I would say my mother because she worked years as a paralegal so if she ever decided to go that route it would make sense. But me? No it made zero sense. Nothing about my life said I would be a lawyer, I was a nerdy kid that loved the creative arts (and obviously still do). My grades wasn’t top of the top.

Honestly I was the average student. My art skills weren’t praised, my grades weren’t praised, the only thing that stood out for me was my personal style and my sense of humor. I was “average” on paper but never did I look at myself as “average” I knew I was extraordinary from the beginning lol.

I would choose those three words because my 18 year old self would’ve been smart enough to know that don’t mean stop the arts but it would’ve gave me a north star much sooner. I made the decision to go to law school in 2015, when I was in a corner financially and was lost career wise. 2015, I was one year removed from undergrad, with no job in my field in sight. I was thinking I cannot be a struggling artist I have to make something happen and then reinvest my earnings into my arts.

So I thought I know I’ll become a lawyer, it then took me two years just to get into law school! Graduating in 2020, it took me until 2023 to become licensed! So that’s 8 years spent to gain the illustrious title of “attorney”.

If I was able to tell my 18 year old self “become a lawyer” my 18 year old self would’ve streamlined his life to make himself get into school any means necessary. Those three words would change so much, here’s how I imagined it would’ve played out. I still would’ve attended UAPB, but with those three words from Future me in my head, my major would’ve reflected law instead of marketing. I would’ve focused on gaining internships and working in a firm during school, which would’ve saved me from the agony of being a broke college student lol.

Knowing my infatuation with New York, I would’ve applied to every New York school possible. Also, I would’ve attended school immediately after undergrad, no breaks. I would’ve probably treated law school the same way I did in this timeline but having more knowledge about school in the alternate timeline, I would’ve had a bar prep program from the beginning lol. ( I never used one to get licensed but definitely would’ve did it in this scenario).

After passing the bar, would’ve been in New York licensed earlier, solving financial woes way quicker and enjoying success at an earlier age. With all that said I’m glad it did not happen that way. God made sure things happened exactly as they should. The endless L’s I took gave me much character growth and it makes me a better person everyday. These questions are fun because it make you think of endless possibilities but that is also the problem. Don’t get caught up in the “what ifs” and “what could’ve beens”, we’re in the now and God blessed us with the gift to be present. Make today count and avoid future regret at all costs, I know I will! #StayFocused

Follow me on twitter.com/onlyonejaevonn

visit gettothecorner.com

[capow02]

Freak Show >:) and/or Want if it’s not cheating to do two songs :3

This is amazing, my very first response and you've somehow managed to find two of the sio songs I have the most to say about! Get ready for an essay.

Freak show is an absolute masterpiece of a song. You know you're in for a treat when you hear the magic sparkling sounds fade in, Cody delivering his first two lines with nothing but guitar chords in the background, and then the strings, drums, and absolutely epic guitar riff that masterfully lead into the first verse. I've always thought this was an amazing way to open the song. The verses are really strong, and Cody's "yeahhhh" at the end of the first one, along with the drums, is incredible and a perfect lead in to the chorus.

And oh my god, the chorus. It might be my favourite ever sio chorus to date. It's so catchy, with Cody's "I lost myself in make believe" blending so well with the "I don't wanna go"s. I'm always so unbelievably happy to hear it, and if I'm alone you best believe I'm singing it as loud as I can. The "you want reform" line masterfully adds some variance to the melody, while still being catchy as hell, and the decision to cut the instrumental for the last line was a perfect choice. Amazing.

And the bridge? It puts so many other bridges to shame. The "la da da"s were a master stroke, especially when they continue behind the lyrics. And then, Cody must've thought "Oh, you're not dead yet? Let's finish you off" when he decided to, on the last "you can't break me", pause the instrumental for half a second. I want to go back to the moment he chose to do that and personally thank him. It gives me goosebumps every time.

And even after all that, the way Cody goes higher when he sings "decieved" and "tainted bliss" in the last chorus is transcendent, and just the perfect capper on the perfect song. And I haven't even talked about the lyrics, which are so relatable when you've tried to change your personality to fit in with others. It's so inspiring, and singing "I've become who I am" and "you can't break me" at the top of your lungs is really freeing.

So yes, freak show is a perfect 10/10 song, my favourite from cinematics, and my second favourite sio song ever. I wonder if anyone will submit my number 1.

And want, my favourite song off upside down, where to start with this one? The beautiful and almost sombre opening is an immediate attention catcher, and very unique for a sio song. The way the pre-chorus builds up to the chorus itself is mesmerising and dramatic in a way that never fails to keep my attention, like I know I'm about to hear something important. And I am, because the chorus is so heartfelt and real, but also really catchy in a lowkey way.

In the bridge, Cody delivers one of his best vocal performances with the long "youuu", and the way the background vocals combine "this isn't what I really want" with "I gotta say" scratches my brain in a really satisfying way. And the backing vocals at the end are just perfection. Listening to this song feels like you're going through an extremely important experience. And that's not even the main reason why I love this song so much.

While freak show was relatable, want feels like Cody has reached into my brain and written a song about my own personal experiences. Having only just figured out that I'm aroace after convincing myself I wanted a relationship for years, lines like "so sure but so confused" and "I guess I found another way to lie" hit me straight in the feels. The chorus especially hits, because I only figured it out when I actually began a relationship. So, if you asked me this a year ago, I would've said this was a very average song. But now? I belt out that chorus with feeling whenever it plays. It's probably my most relatable sio song tied with lonely dance, and according to my top 30 list, it's my 13th favourite ever sio song.

9/10! Also, epic kill the lights reference.

[duskwingmoth]

notes and highlights from reading my discord message history (2016):

girl u used to be so sillay. I should get silly with it sometimes

2016 me was a little confused but was also so fucking right about lars steven universe

ough. Failure to recognize imminent trump presidency. You stupid fucking liberal ffs

do u rember enjoying overwatch. I rember...

Liveblogging the sonic 2016 stream like "this new charmy bee album is bussin"

"I just saw the quintessential torb potg"

"beginning with him dying"

hanging on his corpse for the full respawn timer"

"while his turret did the hard work"

"predictably nowhere onscreen"

I was the first drop dash hater. If there are no more drop dash haters i am dead

attempting to read through this sexting now KNOWING FOR SURE i was absolutely faking it is. cringe

S. Skoop. I forgot that i called skype "skoop" (and that there was a brief period where i had it on my phone while discord was on my pc)

Talking about multiple story/game concepts i have since abandoned. Death

Doesn't matter if it's 2013, 2016, or 2024; somebody somewhere is complaining about JJ Abrams. It is probably me

There was a dang stevenbomb when these messages start and tbh I was right on the money abt steven universe in general. More ppl should have listened to me instead

huniepop lmao

I was still in iPhone Hell

Making comments to friends about things i refuse to share or elaborate on. I have learned nothing

playing ALL the hits tbh we even got Complain About Family in here

Scoutposting but it's overwatch

"defense shouldn't have left the point undefended"

Bitch shut UP about Pokémon

Oh my GOD just Shut Up About Video Games in general

The Sword Art Online hater has logged on

All these tumblr links that don't work anymore. Sad

How did i make it to 22 without realizing i was experiencing caffeine withdrawal

Yes yes past robin you've got nintendo diagnosed as fuck can you not sound rude and elitist and also cryptoracist about it

(three hours worth of messages just ranting about nintendo jfc. 2009 youtube would have loved me)

The Traumadumping,

Watch watch. You can see the exact moment steven universe rips her heart in half

Reading through basically all the previous things in varying order. Knowing what's coming up.

The moment

Oh no... The Federation Force announcement. The five stages of grief logged in real time

girl your dick was not out for harambe you did not even know what that meant

Hare-brained game concepts part 3027498: radio station with hundreds of hours of recorded dj voice lines

360 controller sucks send post

It is so easy to tell what youtube poop i was hyperfixated on at any given point

girl u really went looking for and personally banned specific slurs in your twitch chat and proceeded to NEVER STREAM. Self-harm champion. Self-harm's strongest warrior

Oh my god. The inception of steam user gofasthog was on my birthday

Is sent jerma rumble live-action with no prior knowledge or context. Complains

Affirming my girlfriend's life choices and gender. Rare pre-crack based moment

Not long now

The PSVita Chronicles. Very short-lived

"Why is twitter orange" wtf are you on about

September 26th, 2016; 09:00 AM PDT:

There really is like. A shift in my tone after this. Immediately so much performative anger is just gone

"I'm trying not to think about it tbh" no you should be thinking about it more. More please for your health pLEASE think of the hips you are going to lose your chance

Lesbian Gay Bacon Tomato Quiche Ice Arson. I cracked the code

Impostor syndrome. Envy. Jealousy. Girlthing you need to chill

Posting through having my shoes disintegrate instead of asking for a new pair. Lol. Lmao even

Finally watched the jerma rumble series and enjoyed myself. The redemption arc we all deserved and didn't know we needed

Utterly failing to code basic game functions. I needed my girlf frend to help me she is so smart and cute and lovely

the wii u woes

And the switch jokes. They're bad! They're very bad

I had played the paladins beta. You can tell because i complained about torbjörn overwatch again

Civ VI release date, or: how i learned that having good CPU was actually really important

Also the day i committed to my new name

More coding failure

Mere hours before the election polls are called it dawns on us both that we really are going to get a trump presidency and i weep with despair while trying to convince us both that the worst won't happen

(It didn't. We are alive and together)

You can see me desperately struggling with the growing reality that i am not as politically reasonable as i consider myself

A dark pall over the holidays. I won't elaborate. I don’t think it's necessary

[twinhood-2dot0]

Tell Me Why

I’m a total cheapskate. I have around 150 games I got for free from Epic Games, and a few on Steam, and I’ve paid for a total of 7 games. So in June I found that a game called Tell Me Why was free on Steam so I just got it and never thought about it again. Until later on when I was watching a video on why you shouldn’t buy Hogwarts: Legacy, when they mentioned that you should instead support games made by LGBTQIA+ people, like Celeste and Tell Me Why, and my ears perked up, and I went to my Steam library and there it was! So I immediately installed it, and wow. It is awesome. I have one gripe with it though. More of a gripe with me but whenever I think about the game my brain just jumps to Jake Peralta singing “Tell me whyyy, ain’t nothing but a heartbreak”. Anyways, that aside. So the story is about twins, Alyson and Tyler, Tyler is a trans man, who were separated from each other after their mom was killed by Tyler following a supposed psychotic episode where she tried to shoot Tyler. 10 years later, after Tyler is released from juvie, they reunite, and go back to their childhood home to sell it and put their past behind them, but they find things they did not expect to. I won’t go into much more detail for now.

I really love the story and where it’s heading and oh my god, the interactions between them, so great. Gameplay-wise, it’s sorta like a visual novel but you get to play, instead of choosing dialogue options and reading text, sorta like a Telltale game (Telltale Games was a development studio that made episodic games with choices that branch the story, like choosing to be an asshole or choosing between characters to die. It’s fun. I never played any because cheapskate, but I watched like a ton of playthroughs and could probably detail the story and branches of Minecraft: Story Mode). There’s also a really interesting mechanic that I don’t really want to spoil too much, but they help tell the story through flashbacks and make for some interesting interactions. I also really love the portrayal of dysphoria and the struggles of being trans, they put a lot of effort into getting it right, which I really appreciate, and the voice actor for Tyler is also himself trans. :P I wish I took more screenshots, but you’ve seen those that I did take, so eh.

NOOOO DAMMIT, I COULDN’T GET A SCREENSHOT. Anyways, it’s just dialogue that went

Alyson: So do you want instant coffee or… instant coffee?

Tyler: Hmm, nah. I’m more of a T person. Get it? Like T as in-

Alyson: Mmmhmm. How long have you been waiting to make that joke?

Tyler: Longer than I’m willing to admit. 

(Sorry, I’ve been waiting to use this meme for longer than I’d like to admit too.)

(T is short for Testosterone if you weren’t aware)

Uhh what else have been up to, oh yeah, I finished 2 anime. Your Lie in April and Tokyo Ghoul. YLIA is certainly something. My heart aches just thinking about it, and I’m not one to get emotional about much. Seriously, it has this really cool opening, https://open.spotify.com/track/2BlDX1yfT0ea5wo0vjCKKa?si=7b95e588be604494

 and I learnt to play the intro on the piano, but whenever I do I’m like goddammit I can’t deal with this pain again. It’s about a piano prodigy who stopped playing after his mom and tutor died, and him getting back into it because of a violinist. She forces him to be her accompanist and then picks it up again. Again, don’t wanna give out too many details, although, it is romance so you probably won’t watch it, but whatever. I would make a comparison with a certain novel but that would be giving out too much. I’ve vowed to never spoil anyone. I think I’m finally shedding toxic masculinity and allowing myself to watch whatever I want. Overtly edgy stuff still has my heart tho. Tokyo Ghoul is… weird, in a bad way. I watched the first two seasons and I’m like huh??? in a bad way. I usually like going huh??? but like, nothing mad e sense. Turns out the anime adaptation is garbage. Gonna have to read it :P. So I started Banana Fish. My first shoujo! I heard it’s… sad? Weird? Disturbing? I don’t remember, but all of those are right up my alley so I’m gonna watch it anyways.

(Okay, I'm 3 episodes in, definitely disturbing. Yay! It's created by MAPPA??? Why does MAPPA have everything, like what? Attack On Titan, Chainsaw Man, Jujutsu Kaisen, literally every recent anime is MAPPA lmao)

Also, I played this really cool demo of a game called Paper Trails, by the creator of Hue, another puzzle platformer game that I got for free, with an interesting mechanic where you use colors to make stuff appear or disappear, so like if it's a red platform and you switch to red, the platform will disappear, and if you switch to something else it reappears, and Paper Trails did not disappoint either. So, the basic mechanic is, it's a top down puzzle game, where the levels are paper. So the level has two sides, and you can fold the paper to create pathways and solve puzzle. Really innovative, can't wait to play the finished game.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I finally had a breakdown after a year and almost half?

Who knew all it would take was over a month of E being mean and M pushing some boundaries and then asking pushy questions.

I don't miss you any less.

On the contrary, as I was explaining to E all the background stuff I couldn't have missed you more.

I miss someone knowing me to such an extent where I didn't have to actually vocalize that I'm hurting.

I miss that connection. I have a habit of fine-tuning with others, so I can spot when there's something wrong, but you're the only one who has ever reciprocated that with me. You just always knew without me having to actually verbalize it.

I'm not very good at doing that for so many reasons. I always took it for granted that you'd just know something was wrong. E could have been as hard on me as he wanted but you were always there to buffer the aftermath. He didn't know it but, you'd always make better his scolding. I just hadn't quite realized that you were always there to soothe the pain from my actions or E's rebukes.

That's probably why I was able to withstand a lot of his reprimands.

But you're not here now to soothe any hurts or concerns caused by others.

There's really no one to notice it in the first place.

So I just keep it.

Instead, I upped my walls so high and so hard that I literally placed them in a position where E couldn't even budge it.

I hate that I did that out of reflex.

I hate that I felt I needed to protect myself to that extent.

I hate that I needed to have that conversation with M. I had hoped I could have curled around E, he would have been the first choice. There was never any wall there between us, not like with M.

It through me off so much when I noticed it while I was visiting. It'd been stressing me out since then, I was panicking, I wasn't sure how to remove it or make it stop.

And then the responses and conversations between us lessened.

And I just grew more resentful so I did what I do best and withdrew.

But it was killing me.

I lost you, and yet I was losing someone who hadn't even physically left. I couldn't deal with another one.

M pushing it last night really through me off as well.

There are no what ifs between us.

But his actions were such a strong trigger for me. God. His action reminded me so much of you that everything inside me literally broke.

It tore me apart that he wasn't you.

And I lashed out immediately. From the anger and the hurt and the pent of emotions and after talking through that entire situation, for him to start confronting me about things.

He was literally asking me who I was going to for comfort or just to talk and my realization just broke this shit in my head and I just started sobbing.

Because the answer was no one.

I'm not going to anyone for anything.

I retreated from E. I don't talk to M about this stuff. I don't tell the girls about this and much less my parents. There's no one.

I was just keeping everything behind a glass. Everything was muted.

But for him to call me out on me trying to take everything for everyone around me but me having no one just really hit me differently.

I couldn't help it. I broke.

I used it as a source of pride but it's actually nothing to boast about.

I don't have a place anymore.

You were my place. It didn't matter where, my place was with you. I carved myself so thoroughly into you without realizing the extent of it.

I hope I made you happy. I don't know if you realized it, maybe thats why you were so comfortable with our spaces. I hope you knew that you'd become so apart of me that nothing really mattered because we were fundamentally attached in a way that was so entwined literally nothing mattered. I was yours in every sense of the word. I was yours completely, in body, soul, mind - there wasn't anything that wasn't yours.

M says you did. And God, I hope that's true.

Now I have to start over again.

I need to rebuild and reassess.

I don't want to move forward without you but I can't stay here. There's nothing here for me, not without you.

And that's breaking my heart.

I don't want to let go.

No quiero que te vayas, no quiero irme sin ti.