thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I've been missing you both lately.

I see videos of dogs and my throat gets all tight. It'll be a year in November. I feel like this year dragged again.

My summer flew by though.

I do things to feel alive.

I surround myself with people that give me life.

That's what I needed.

I'm not sure if the people I have now will continue to walk the same path as me.

I'm changing again but I recognize the need for it.

I think I'm going to end up alone.

But I'm ready. I realized when everything hit the fan earlier this year that my dependence, or idea of dependence, was truly misplaced.

I only ever had you. No one else.

I'm prepared for that now.

I've hardened like stone after hearing the final confirmation.

And now I don't know how to soften again.

It's lost to me now.

I guess I am really here for just a good time, not a long time. And that logic applies across the board.

I miss you. I miss you and Kai always.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I hope you're watching me.

It's taken me a while to get here.

But God, I hope you're okay with me trying now.

Both of you.

I love you, always.

Until the day that I die.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I decided to pay attention at the wrong time and now I can't stop crying.

For you. For him. For them.

For me.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I'm not quite sure what's been going on lately.

Some things seem like they're breaking and others are growing.

I'm changing a bit. I have an idea of what I want now. I feel like I'm going too fast.

I feel like I'm coming to terms with some things and outgrowing others. It's sad. It usually always is, isn't it? This wouldn't be the first time I'm disappointed, I guess I just got very comfortable and complacent.

I still miss my baby. Every day. I think that wound won't heal for some time.

I'm barely starting to get out of ours.

Through it all though I still miss you.

We'd be doing these things together. You'd have been with me every step of the way.

I wish we'd had more time.

I love you.

I miss you.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I'm laying here high as fuck on pain meds

Do I deserve love?

Am I even someone that can be loved?

I don't even know what I deserve anymore.

You said I was soft and hard. You said I was always clashing. Quiet but loud, sad and happy, confident, afraid.

I am not a nice person.

I don't do good things.

I don't think good things.

My intentions aren't always the best.

I miss

Turning off my brain for a second.

I miss wholly relying on someone. I didn't realize how badly I needed it until you showed me what it was like.

And now I'm back to a default state.

I'm probably worse if I'm being honest

I feel such a big disconnect from every single person in my life lately

I feel like I put in so much and I'm not getting the same back.

I'm tired

I'm growing resentful of it

I'm really sad.

Sometimes I stare at my phone and want to tell the few people I have left that I'm going away.

M and I did something really bad.

And it's not even that it's bad. It was just done for all the wrong reasons under the worst circumstances.

But I miss feeling connected to someone else.

I miss you.

I miss that trust.

I miss that level of security

I miss kai.

I miss kai with all my heart. With my soul. With every single particle of my being.

I know for a fact that kai and you loved me more than anything else in this world.

Neither of you have ever given me a moment to doubt that.

You've always waited for me. Always. You didn't play with me once. You didn't mislead me. You didn't hide your feelings from me. You always did what you said you did. You weren't over here telling me shit and then doing something differently.

You knew I needed to see it. And you worked for it every single day. When if I battered you and threw you to the side. It didn't matter what I did to you. You have never let me down. Not ever.

You could see the best of me. You brought out the best of me.

And I don't think I'll ever have that again.

Like I said.

I'm not sure if I deserve love anymore.

I don't know if I deserve anything

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

In an unsurprising turn of events, it's finally happened.

We both knew it was coming too. It was bound to happen, I'm a little upset we were almost in the clear too. Two months. Wonderful.

Now we're here, trying to navigate this.

Our personalities are not helping this situation. He feels terrible, and I'm not quite sure how to feel exactly.

So I have to write it out.

And I don't even know how to start.

I just know that doing shit makes me do shit. Pretty obvious. Perfectly sound logic.

We do it anyway.

I'm not sure if we do them for the same reasons though.

I think maybe he had a hard time with his dad. I've noticed the hits are stronger those days.

That also probably explains the recklessness on his part too.

I guess he finally needed the release, too.

It's difficult now though.

We're in a sort of relationship now?

We're in something that's for sure.

I thought if I avoided him for a bit it'd go away but I should have known better.

Mario doesn't avoid this shit. He likes to get in my face about it.

And the problem is that I want to pretend it didn't happen. Ever.

Mainly because I don't think anything can come of it.

I don't expect anything to come of it.

Because I don't want anything.

All I wanted was a moment of release and reprieve.

Just some time to feel good. A moment of pleasure.

And he's so... perfect for that. He's attractive, and he incites me. He's lovely to look at. He's tall. He's built beautifully.

There's no reason why I wouldn't be physically attracted to him.

I wasn't expecting him to be so commanding, though. Didn't picture him as such. Or maybe I just bring that out of him? I'm trying to wrack my brain for any clues or hints but I can't recall anything of that kind.

God I miss you. I miss you.

I wonder if he was more conscious than he led on.

I don't know what I'd have done if he'd been gentle with me. I feel like something would have happened to me.

I don't know.

I just know that I'm not sure how to act now. It's strange.

I feel weird.

On the one hand, I'm upset that I'm used among my friend group.

On the other though, I have to remind myself not to give a fuck. I can only be with certain people. And i hate myself but I have been using him in other ways for months.

This literally was just the pinnacle.

Everything literally led to this.

I knew damn well what was happening but I was more concerned with the momentary high.

Probably shouldn't even be talking about this now. I love putting myself in these situations so none of this is really new.

It's just that in the aftermath, all I could think of was you. Us. Together for the first time.

Why it happened. The events and moments leading up to it. Not even the actual act itself. It's more the conversation, the comfort. And God I miss you.

I miss you so much.

I'm sorry I keep making mistakes.

I never learn.

And now I need to get over this because I can't lose him to myself too.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

The same thing can break your heart over and over again as long as you continue to love it.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I've been contemplating for a while now.

I feel like I'm constantly juggling two weights in my chest.

Yours has gotten lighter now.

It still hurts me.

But it doesn't hurt like the other one.

The other one... is a whole different beast. It's like I'm back to square one. The grief walks beside me again.

I miss my baby. I miss my baby in a whole different way.

I didn't realize how much I put into him.

I wonder if it weighed him down.

I wonder if that's why he didn't want to leave.

I'd never had a pet that didn't want to go.

He fought me all the way until the end and I can't shake it from my mind.

It breaks my heart.

It breaks the pieces of the pieces that are left.

I lost you both but I guess now it's his turn.

This time around I choose to suffer silently.

I'm doing irresponsible things.

Looking for trouble in things I know I shouldn't.

I'm going to hurt M.

I'm going to end up hurting myself even more.

I need to stop.

I need

To stop.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

For the past week and a half I've been driving myself over to M's at late hours just to sleep.

As much as I try to sleep on my own, in my bed. Alone. Like I have been doing for the longest time.

It's just not working.

And I need to stop.

I need to stop for the both of us.

I'm looking and getting comfort for the wrong reasons.

It's been over a week now that I reach out to him for physical comfort.

It started off soft and gentle and now it's just here to the point where I'm actively reaching for him.

I shouldn't. We shouldn't.

Especially because in my mind, in his arms, I'm reaching for you.

I'm always reaching for you.

It doesn't matter how much I drink, how much I use, what I do and with who.

I'm always looking for you in other people.

I'm looking for bits and pieces, anything I can grasp.

I'm going to ruin all of us.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

It chokes me sometimes.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I drown in these feelings.

The words literally choke me.

They get stuck in my throat, and the feelings become a weight on my chest.

Sometimes I can't help it, it's too much.

Sometimes I drown in these feelings I still have for you.

These feelings I'll probably always have.

I wish I'd told you more often.

Because now they have no where to go.

But.

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I'm..

Drowing again.

I've been through this cycle so many times now.

And just like migraines, I can feel it.

The declining. The breaking. Tearing and snapping at any flimsy foothold.

It's getting close. Engulfing. Encompassing. Encroaching upon me.

It's almost three years. Soon.

And almost three months for Kai.

Three for three.

How... stupid.

I can see mario gearing up. Constantly checking my eyes. Raking his hands along my arms. Looking. Searching. Feeling.

He doesn't have to go far.

I see the same fucked up shit reflected back at me.

He's trying to find solace.

Every kiss, every touch. I can't. Green is replaced by black. God. He makes me hate myself even more.

I can't stop thinking about you.

And he knows.

I sigh your name. I whisper it with every caress. It flows with every tear I shed.

It leaves my body in screams. Slipping through the very pores of my being.

I'm yours.

Yours yours yours yours yours.

I don't have room for anyone else. I can't remove or replace you from my skin. You're etched down into my bones, into my soul, into every breath that feeds my body.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do

I've needed your comfort now more than ever.

I can't get back up.

This is harder without you.

I need you.

I miss you.

I'm living a half life. Surviving just because.

You felt the need to leave an instruction manual.

It makes me sad that at the end of the day

No one else knows me like you did.

Yet you left instructions.

For what?

Did you expect something here? Was this discussed without me? How dare you.

I miss you.

It's your fingers I want brushing my jaw line. Your hand guiding my face towards yours.

Its your arms I need.

Your voice I desperately crave.

I need you.

I can never replace the sense of comfort and security you gave me.

I had to let go of Kai.

And I think the last bit of me left with him.

I'm just a shell now. Pretending.

Remembering enough to mimic the past. Creating these ideas and versions of an old me. They're barely holding on by a thread but they're doing their job.

It's just.... I'm so tired.

I'm so.... tired

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I miss the ways you would kiss me.

I miss when you placed kisses on my temple, my cheeks.

I miss you grabbing my hands and placing kissing on my fingertips or my palms. Kisses along the back of my hands and my wrists.

Those were the kisses you loved giving me everywhere we went. I love them. I love them so much.

I miss sitting in your lap and having you brush kisses against my shoulders. I miss feeling your presence so close to me.

I miss the kisses we'd have in private the most. In moments when it was just you and I.

I miss your hand on my jaw, on my neck.

I miss your hard kisses. The bites. The firmness and confidence with which you'd hold me.

I miss feeling like I could just fall into you. Fall for ever because I knew you'd always catch me. Blindly.

This is all I can think of. Especially in those moments when I'm almost sure it's the one. This is what comes to my mind.

I wonder what you'd say if you could see me.

God, you'd probably be so pissed at me.

I'm rotting from the inside out now.

Decaying. Deteriorating.

I took Kai so hard.

It didn't matter how much I said it out loud.

It didn't matter who I said it to.

I was fooling myself.

I was never prepared. Not the slightest bit.

I didn't realize how much I'd curled in on him. How I used him to hold out for more days. To see him. Because I couldn't leave him, not when he was waiting for me.

And now I'm just.... here.

Missing you. Missing him.

I still don't know what to do.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I don't know why I stupidly thought I was used to making all the decisions.

Why I even thought that in the first place.

It's a true weight now.

The full extent of the meaning of that phrase truly, finally, weighs down on me.

Now I know what it's like to make all the decisions.

For you. For what you've left behind.

For them. For what they've left me with. What they've left of me.

For him. For what I see in his eyes every time he looks at me. At himself.

For him. For the future he'll destroy because of whims. Because I'll never be worth it. Not one bit.

For her. For the burden she's placed on me. Unintentional but placed all the same.

I don't think I've ever felt so alone. Whether I did this by design or accident, I don't even know anymore.

I'm not sure how to ask for help.

I don't know how to ask.

I don't think I've known how. I didn't think I had the choice too.

And the weight of my choices is getting too much.

And I'm so... tired. I'm so tired.

I'm tired of the choices I've made.

I'm tired of the choices I keep having to make.

I'm tired of the repercussions of the choices I make after mulling them for hours. Days. Months.

Not everything can be based on whims.

I wish it were. Then I wouldn't have to think so much.

My heart hurts. My head is clear, but my heart is so cold now.

I'm not sure what to do.

I think I know how to ask now.

But I don't know who.

And I don't know what's worse really.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

This is usually harder when I get sick.

I can feel it more during these times.

My heartbeat in my ears, slowing. Slowing. Slower...

I get anxious, waiting for it to just stop. Seeing if it's going to continue.

Getting mad when it does.

I'm getting sick more often lately. Again.

And my recovery time is getting slower and slower.

I wish I could hide it better from mar

I wish he wouldn't care so much.

I'm tired.

I'm so tired.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I miss you.

I miss my baby.

I think M and I are stuck again in the same rut.

There isn't anything we can do about it except ride it out, probably.

My baby is more recent.

I still cry a lot. I can't help it.

The hole that was in my chest expanded, and some days, I just feel a lump in my throat that won't go away.

Maybe there was too much death around me.

I wish you were here. I wonder if you would have been able to comfort me. To give me the comfort I need.

I think I've had to make some choices I don't like. They had to be done for the greater good though.

I'm not sure where that leaves me anymore....

But I have to do it and I've been mentally gearing up for solitude.

I can't wait to see you. I hope kai is waiting for me. I hope he's with max and aly so he isn't lonely.

I can't wait to be with you all again.

I just can't wait to not be here anymore.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I was so close

I was so close

And it didn't work.

Why

Why doesn't it ever work for me

I was so close to both of you

But you slipped from my grasp.

Did you send me back

Why

Why

Why

Why

I loved you so much. I loved you so much I could write novel after novel about it.

But now I feel like all the words are gone. You're gone and your absence has taken every word I had left.

There's nothing left again

Nothing

I'm just waiting now

For it to stop

I'm waiting to see you again

I'm waiting for both of you

I'm going to try again

And again

And again.

I am never going to stop trying now

Because this silence is defening

It's maddening