thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I've had to get hospitalized three times now within the last two months, and this shit is getting old.

I fucking hate it because I don't like how it feels when the IV is removed.

But not as much as I hated calling Z your name and asking you why you took so long.

That's probably the most unacceptable of the things. Especially since he's the only one who could go get me. I think he just patted my head and picked me up because I don't remember anything after that except waking up and seeing him on a chair waiting for me.

And then I had to call Fran crying my eyes out because getting sick just puts me in a stupid mood. It makes me miss you more, and I wanted Mario here. Honestly Z should have just left me alone.

Because whenever I get hospitalized all I do is word vomit you.

And I can't even tell Mario i get sick because he's just getting better himself and he's already griping at me about the damn bikes.

I don't want him to worry anymore.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

It really throws me off kilter when Mario makes a strong, valid point that I don't have a rebuttal in response.

And I always have a response. Albiet, some are mocking but still.

It just really throws me off.

I was thinking about how our little dynamic has gone through a million different shifts in the last three years.

Of the three of us he's always been the most unserious, ridiculously happy one. Our wonderful ray of sunshine and optimism. He's always been so lighthearted and honestly I couldn't imagine a better friend for you. It was like night and day and it made so much sense.

I know he was a large part of the earlier friendships we made. Mario makes friends everywhere. He can talk to strangers for hours. And he's the kind of person who just smiles at everyone and says hello.

He was my dancing partner, the one who would help me push you for pushing me first. He would always help me beat you up. And he always went with my dumbass ideas if he didn't suggest any of his own.

I think my favorite moments were when we would get together for the summers before high school and we'd all share one look and agree to a silent, mutual consensus of whatever dumb shit we were going to do. Even better when some of the stuff resulted in confrontations and people assumed he was the weaker one because he was so nice when really he's always been the first one to throw punches.

But you guys were together in a way I couldn't even begin to explain. Idk if it's because you're both boys, if we got stupid and time happened, but I knew that at the end of the day you two had something I wasn't apart of.

And hearing him tell me that you and I had something HE wasn't apart of was hilarious to me. Probably shouldn't have been, but I couldn't help the laugh. Cynical, mocking, incredulous- I don't really know which to use but it's one of those, if not all three.

It shocked me when he went into accounting. It seemed so mundane and... boring for such a vibrant personality. I don't know what I pictured him doing, but accounting just didn't seem like his thing. He's still pretty good at it but I still think I've gotten better. lol

When you left, it was the first time I didn't know him anymore. Even with all the Andrea bullshit. I don't remember now how I did it either.

I just remember sitting with him everyday starring at him and waiting. I'd never fought with so many grown adults whom I thought had our best interest at heart. I don't think I had a moment to even grieve you because his father and step mother came at me with a viciousness I can't get out of my head if I allow myself to fully recall the memory. Their only fucking son in a coma, we didn't know jack shit if he was going to be okay and here they were harassing me for will readings and Mario's portion of investments and money in the fucking company I was making auto pilot decisions on with both of you out of service.

For better or worse I guess I'm grateful his parents, your mother and my parents were all on their bullshit enough for me to just do things out of spite constantly.

Honestly, the sheer arrogance my younger self had with her ignorant and misguided notions of anger were laughable at best. Lmfao. This was unadulterated, violent, unchecked rage. Rage driven to violence and I'm surprised I did not get kicked out of that hospital right along with everyone else.

And then he woke up and the first thing he asked me about was you and I couldn't even cry because he was already doing it for the both of us. The rage simmered down to a boil so fast I'm surprised I didn't have to get checked into a room myself from internal brain or organ damage of some kind.

I don't remember ever feeling like I did in that moment. I'd seen you cry before but never him. I'd never seen him like this and I didn't know what to do and I couldn't even cry with him. I just held him because I didn't know what to do.

He was alive.

But you weren't.

And I've never felt like a true piece of shit in my life aside from that moment.

Of everything I have ever done and said to anyone in my life, nothing will ever compare to the conflict of emotions in what I kept thinking that first week back from new york.

Booked a flight straight to California. Signed some documents. And I threw myself into work with a vengeance and any residual anger I had I threw it into court proceedings with his father, who was adamant that your will was altered and his son deserved more compensation than what was stipulated.

And then he stayed with his POS girlfriend/fiancé and instead of getting better we went further downhill.

All three of us. Together. Spiraling straight into flames and pushing amongst ourselves to see who could hit the ground first.

And then we lived a hazy two years. And after some more fucked up shit, I noticed him getting better. And I wanted to ask so badly how he was doing it but I couldn't bring myself to because I wasn't sure if he was fronting or not.

But i noticed we didn't talk about you at all.

You were just there hovering over us. A ghost silently following us around, looming and probably judging the shit out of us. For the longest time I think we were just afraid to even mention you because neither of us knew how the other would take it. I certainly fucking didn't, so I kept my mouth shut.

Until we upped the ante and leveled up in the art of self sabotage. Because Kai died. And I didn't take that well in any form and/or capacity.

I think it was the first time in a long while we'd been able to talk about you to each other. And then upped the quality of drugs. The alcohol content. And then he moved here for work for like four months.

I'm pretty sure that was some bullshit but somewhere along the lines, Mario started being more like Mario again.

And now we can talk about things i didn't really think about before. Or things he couldn't tell me. Or things he and you knew that I wasn't privy too.

I think our biggest turning point was riding on the motorcycles. He still doesn't race his cars, and we joke about fist fighting over the aston martin but I'm glad I could count on the guys for support. I'm glad they took into account my concern and offered to help him, safely and steadily. I will never be able to repay Z and the guys for helping me with that. For not judging him or pushing and poking at him. This is probably why he likes them enough and I appreciate the effort.

Ever since then, he's slowly gone back to driving. I can see that turning still sets him on edge, but at least he's doing it now as opposed to paying drivers and taxis.

And ever since then hes done such an improvement. I can't help but reciprocate. For whatever else I may be struggling with, I want him to be happy. He woke up from the accident and he lost you, his POS parents and the POS girl. All after you. And I know it couldn't have been easy to have to see me for a while. It certainly wasn't for me.

And he's become one of my favorite people to talk too again.

It'd been such a long time since he and I had bonded and conversed like we used too. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, but I can see it now. Slowly, dia por dia, he's turning into the wonderful boy i remember. My happy, optimistic ray of sunshine.

I don't know when it became so obvious or if I just wasn't paying attention but he's here now.

And i love that he gets it.

He gets us. To him, there's still an us. It's always us. And he'll often include you in references or conversations and that's been filling my heart.

I don't feel like i have to carry you and kai and max just by myself.

He'll share some of the weight with me. And he's reiterated that there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable regarding you, over you, again and again. And I don't know why I ever thought at any point in time that being so stupid and delusionally firm was a respectable goal or aspiration.

And now we're coming back full circle.

He's here with me, just like we started.

And you're here too. In our own ways but we both have you here.

I need nothing else but to pull comfort from that thought.

I'm so glad that he's getting much better and grieving you is the least we could do for the honor and privilege we had of loving you and being loved by you.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

Who encrypted your dark gospel in body language?

This man’s little waist is actually everything to me😭

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

Since we're in a lull between Sleep Toke tours, right now might be a great time to sell your soul request a ritual in the city you live.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I always feel conflicted in December because it's a reminder of two birthdays for two dead people. A birthday for one that's alive. A holiday season I don't really celebrate anymore.

And an engagement anniversary.

Kai would have been 10. You'd have been 32. E 32. And we'd be four years into a marriage.

And that's kind of terrifying, but also sad.

I get really passive-aggressive/outright aggressive with E specifically but a lot of shit just doesn't sit well with me anymore.

This whole dangling in my face about boundaries today was stupid as fuck. He acts like me verbalizing what was already implied years ago is so criminal when really I believe it's just coming from a petty POV.

Or maybe I take offense to him calling Z a rando. Or him implying that anyone I spend time with is a rando.

Should I even be getting worked up about it?

I mulled it over and even went shopping before I decided to rip into him because I had to sort through where the feelings were coming from.

And then I realized it was more my upset at him voicing his opinion at all. Lmfao.

We're so fucked.

I guess, for starters, it pisses me off what he thinks. Which is already a bad indicator. It pisses me off because he has no right to voice jack shit when he is no one I rely on for anything. And that is the truth. I can't even talk to him about my thoughts/feelings. I don't believe I get sufficient feedback to bother explaining things of real depth to him, and when I do test the waters, I get some selfish response that isn't helpful in the slightest.

It pissed me off that he's making it seem like the time I choose to spend with someone is bad. When news flash, I'm free to do with my time what I please and spend it with whom I please. I don't have to check in with him and discuss anything. He certainly doesn't check in with me about anything until things are done, and at that point, it's more of an announcement. He has his family for that too and as much as it hurt me at first I realized I'm not exactly part of it anymore. He has someone who should be checking in with him and vice versa, and that certainly isn't me. I don't know why he gets mad when I state this too because you can't have your cake slices and eat them too. I'm not the one who chose to procreate and involve myself with someone. And this isn't even a bad thing, so I don't know why he gets so uppity about it. He chose to be with someone, I certainly don't fault him or care.

And if I ever do decide to do that it certainly isn't his fucking business. As far as I'm concerned, I am not his concern nor anything else, really. And this whole overstepping is ridiculous, in my opinion. It's not credible to judge my actions and decisions when he himself is so willing to ruin his current setup over something that was denied to him like a child.

I can't stand that shit, grow the fuck up. You have real responsibilities now. If you didn't want them then you shouldn't have bound yourself to someone through a kid.

I like spending time with Z. We get along. We have fun and share the same sense of humor. I like the way he treats me and the gestures he does simply because he knows I like them. I love that's so willing to join me just to spend time with me even if it's doing dumb shit and he has to drive over an hr to see me.

I like that he takes the time and pays attention. I like him. He's funny, smart, kind, and attentive. I don't have to play guessing games, and we have great communication.

He's not you, not by a long shot, but he's alright. He's helped me a lot and he holds me accountable. He says what he means and he does what he says.

And I can respect that.

Whenever I think about dating he usually comes to mind. And I know we're both getting older so he's been very honest and upfront about his opinions and expectations.

So when I hear comments referring to him as a "rando" it sets me off because he's not. I obviously haven't known him for a million years, but honestly, idgaf. The reality of it is that I won't know anyone again for millions of years worth. Any new person in my life is simply that. New. They're not coming from a childhood background. They're not coming from an established and long-winded past. And I don't see that as a hindrance anyway because the men I do know from my earlier years are unavailable and/or out of the question. There's no sense looking back at this point, especially and most importantly, because you're not here.

There used to be a time where I would have cared if E and M were on board but honestly they're both off doing their own lives so I don't see why I would seek their approval for anything or anyone.

And if E wants to stop talking to me because I'm out here dating or testing waters, then so be it. That's my business, and I wish I had a dick for him to choke on because it's so hypocritical on so many levels. Beginning with the fact that 1. He's not here, 2. I learned the hard way I can't depend on him and 3. He's already got his own shit.

And if anyone is a detriment here, it's you.

You're what stops me from progressing further every time. I feel so bad. And the most stupid thing is that even in life you'd never been a source of discouragement. Not once, not ever. Not for anything in the world. You'd always supported me even if you didn't like it or agreed.

So I can't accept anything less than that, especially when it's disguised under the idea of love when really it's just petty, selfish jealousy.

All this to say that I figured this year for your birthday I'd decorate and maybe get a cake.

I'm working on being happy as much as I can, as best as I can.

I love you.

I love you forever.

And there still isn't a day I don't miss you and baby.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I've been missing you both lately.

I see videos of dogs and my throat gets all tight. It'll be a year in November. I feel like this year dragged again.

My summer flew by though.

I do things to feel alive.

I surround myself with people that give me life.

That's what I needed.

I'm not sure if the people I have now will continue to walk the same path as me.

I'm changing again but I recognize the need for it.

I think I'm going to end up alone.

But I'm ready. I realized when everything hit the fan earlier this year that my dependence, or idea of dependence, was truly misplaced.

I only ever had you. No one else.

I'm prepared for that now.

I've hardened like stone after hearing the final confirmation.

And now I don't know how to soften again.

It's lost to me now.

I guess I am really here for just a good time, not a long time. And that logic applies across the board.

I miss you. I miss you and Kai always.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I hope you're watching me.

It's taken me a while to get here.

But God, I hope you're okay with me trying now.

Both of you.

I love you, always.

Until the day that I die.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I decided to pay attention at the wrong time and now I can't stop crying.

For you. For him. For them.

For me.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I'm not quite sure what's been going on lately.

Some things seem like they're breaking and others are growing.

I'm changing a bit. I have an idea of what I want now. I feel like I'm going too fast.

I feel like I'm coming to terms with some things and outgrowing others. It's sad. It usually always is, isn't it? This wouldn't be the first time I'm disappointed, I guess I just got very comfortable and complacent.

I still miss my baby. Every day. I think that wound won't heal for some time.

I'm barely starting to get out of ours.

Through it all though I still miss you.

We'd be doing these things together. You'd have been with me every step of the way.

I wish we'd had more time.

I love you.

I miss you.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I'm laying here high as fuck on pain meds

Do I deserve love?

Am I even someone that can be loved?

I don't even know what I deserve anymore.

You said I was soft and hard. You said I was always clashing. Quiet but loud, sad and happy, confident, afraid.

I am not a nice person.

I don't do good things.

I don't think good things.

My intentions aren't always the best.

I miss

Turning off my brain for a second.

I miss wholly relying on someone. I didn't realize how badly I needed it until you showed me what it was like.

And now I'm back to a default state.

I'm probably worse if I'm being honest

I feel such a big disconnect from every single person in my life lately

I feel like I put in so much and I'm not getting the same back.

I'm tired

I'm growing resentful of it

I'm really sad.

Sometimes I stare at my phone and want to tell the few people I have left that I'm going away.

M and I did something really bad.

And it's not even that it's bad. It was just done for all the wrong reasons under the worst circumstances.

But I miss feeling connected to someone else.

I miss you.

I miss that trust.

I miss that level of security

I miss kai.

I miss kai with all my heart. With my soul. With every single particle of my being.

I know for a fact that kai and you loved me more than anything else in this world.

Neither of you have ever given me a moment to doubt that.

You've always waited for me. Always. You didn't play with me once. You didn't mislead me. You didn't hide your feelings from me. You always did what you said you did. You weren't over here telling me shit and then doing something differently.

You knew I needed to see it. And you worked for it every single day. When if I battered you and threw you to the side. It didn't matter what I did to you. You have never let me down. Not ever.

You could see the best of me. You brought out the best of me.

And I don't think I'll ever have that again.

Like I said.

I'm not sure if I deserve love anymore.

I don't know if I deserve anything

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

In an unsurprising turn of events, it's finally happened.

We both knew it was coming too. It was bound to happen, I'm a little upset we were almost in the clear too. Two months. Wonderful.

Now we're here, trying to navigate this.

Our personalities are not helping this situation. He feels terrible, and I'm not quite sure how to feel exactly.

So I have to write it out.

And I don't even know how to start.

I just know that doing shit makes me do shit. Pretty obvious. Perfectly sound logic.

We do it anyway.

I'm not sure if we do them for the same reasons though.

I think maybe he had a hard time with his dad. I've noticed the hits are stronger those days.

That also probably explains the recklessness on his part too.

I guess he finally needed the release, too.

It's difficult now though.

We're in a sort of relationship now?

We're in something that's for sure.

I thought if I avoided him for a bit it'd go away but I should have known better.

Mario doesn't avoid this shit. He likes to get in my face about it.

And the problem is that I want to pretend it didn't happen. Ever.

Mainly because I don't think anything can come of it.

I don't expect anything to come of it.

Because I don't want anything.

All I wanted was a moment of release and reprieve.

Just some time to feel good. A moment of pleasure.

And he's so... perfect for that. He's attractive, and he incites me. He's lovely to look at. He's tall. He's built beautifully.

There's no reason why I wouldn't be physically attracted to him.

I wasn't expecting him to be so commanding, though. Didn't picture him as such. Or maybe I just bring that out of him? I'm trying to wrack my brain for any clues or hints but I can't recall anything of that kind.

God I miss you. I miss you.

I wonder if he was more conscious than he led on.

I don't know what I'd have done if he'd been gentle with me. I feel like something would have happened to me.

I don't know.

I just know that I'm not sure how to act now. It's strange.

I feel weird.

On the one hand, I'm upset that I'm used among my friend group.

On the other though, I have to remind myself not to give a fuck. I can only be with certain people. And i hate myself but I have been using him in other ways for months.

This literally was just the pinnacle.

Everything literally led to this.

I knew damn well what was happening but I was more concerned with the momentary high.

Probably shouldn't even be talking about this now. I love putting myself in these situations so none of this is really new.

It's just that in the aftermath, all I could think of was you. Us. Together for the first time.

Why it happened. The events and moments leading up to it. Not even the actual act itself. It's more the conversation, the comfort. And God I miss you.

I miss you so much.

I'm sorry I keep making mistakes.

I never learn.

And now I need to get over this because I can't lose him to myself too.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

The same thing can break your heart over and over again as long as you continue to love it.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

I've been contemplating for a while now.

I feel like I'm constantly juggling two weights in my chest.

Yours has gotten lighter now.

It still hurts me.

But it doesn't hurt like the other one.

The other one... is a whole different beast. It's like I'm back to square one. The grief walks beside me again.

I miss my baby. I miss my baby in a whole different way.

I didn't realize how much I put into him.

I wonder if it weighed him down.

I wonder if that's why he didn't want to leave.

I'd never had a pet that didn't want to go.

He fought me all the way until the end and I can't shake it from my mind.

It breaks my heart.

It breaks the pieces of the pieces that are left.

I lost you both but I guess now it's his turn.

This time around I choose to suffer silently.

I'm doing irresponsible things.

Looking for trouble in things I know I shouldn't.

I'm going to hurt M.

I'm going to end up hurting myself even more.

I need to stop.

I need

To stop.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

For the past week and a half I've been driving myself over to M's at late hours just to sleep.

As much as I try to sleep on my own, in my bed. Alone. Like I have been doing for the longest time.

It's just not working.

And I need to stop.

I need to stop for the both of us.

I'm looking and getting comfort for the wrong reasons.

It's been over a week now that I reach out to him for physical comfort.

It started off soft and gentle and now it's just here to the point where I'm actively reaching for him.

I shouldn't. We shouldn't.

Especially because in my mind, in his arms, I'm reaching for you.

I'm always reaching for you.

It doesn't matter how much I drink, how much I use, what I do and with who.

I'm always looking for you in other people.

I'm looking for bits and pieces, anything I can grasp.

I'm going to ruin all of us.

[thecagedbirdsingsoffreedom]

It chokes me sometimes.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I drown in these feelings.

The words literally choke me.

They get stuck in my throat, and the feelings become a weight on my chest.

Sometimes I can't help it, it's too much.

Sometimes I drown in these feelings I still have for you.

These feelings I'll probably always have.

I wish I'd told you more often.

Because now they have no where to go.

But.

I love you

I love you

I love you

I love you.