#well.... I'm visiting my mom
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Maybe I spend my time on the flight doing screenshot redraws... what if I did that huh? What then?
#Z speaks#I'm going to Texas#I've never been to Texas before#but now my mom and sister live there#and I'm going to go visit them#well.... I'm visiting my mom#my sister is only picking me up from the airport.
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feeling very mom-coded in this sweater/jacket/jeans combo =3
#i feel like i never leave the house anymore unless i'm getting groceries BDNDKSBSNDK#which is a lie actually i saw a friend on new year's day!!!!!! we hung out at a park and caught up and ate lunchies#took turns wearing masks bc he's not as covid conscious as us but he is willing to mask around us so we can unmask to eat or drink =3#it was a really nice visit!!!!! gotta see him again soon to meet his new kitty and also return the tin he used for our xmas cookie exchange#anyways DBFKFKSBAKD i love this sweater i've had it for years. i used to wear it in high school with mismatched bee/bunny socks!!!#i wanna be a mom so bad. ggghfbfmgkfkdbf shan't ruminate on this too long or i'll get actually sad#my partner and i used to joke that we'd be great aunts/uncles for our friend and his partner's kids but they broke up so BDJFKDBSBDKF#oh well!! i'm sure i'll work with kids again in some capacity to fulfull this want. ok enough rambling#it took my entire ride to the store to type all that#trix fits#trixie talks#also obligatory if you read all of these ily
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Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been here, but when I say that the last while has been rough? It's been fuckin' ROUGH.
#long story short#depression has been beating my ass#i was doin' good while tori's mom came up to visit#but man#my family (specifically my uncle) has been a serious pain in the ass#and if you know how black families can get sometimes then you know what i mean#that being said#the more serious part is that tori was t-boned sunday#and while she's okay#her car is fucked#but she was more worried about what would've happened if i were in the passenger side#b/c i've seen the wreck and well...#it's bad#like i'm talking the passenger side was caved in#but uh#i apologize for not being in a super great mental state and it's affecting my writing here#b/c i've only had the muse and energy for my pathfinder kids
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@beatingheart-bride
"Doreen's told me the costumes are beautiful," Susannah grinned, her excitement only growing the more they discussed it: Seeing as she didn't exactly get out to the theater very much, she by and large only had others' word to go off, letting her best friend's excitable descriptions fuel her imagination, painting herself a picture of lavish gowns and suits, glittering in full color and rich details under the stage lights, lending a touch of magic to the visuals, accompanying the wonder that was the music.
"She told me she auditioned to play the little girl in The Nutcracker, and even started to learning to dance for the part," she recalled, as she put in her order with the waiter, declining his offer of a glass of wine to accompany her meal: It had taken a lot of convincing on Doreen's part, getting her parents to let her try out for the theater, but eventually, she wore them down, getting them to give in at last. Her plans for stardom were spoiled, however, by a twisted ankle during dance practice, much to her deep disappointment-and, as Susannah saw it, her parents' deep relief.
"I don't think they wanted her to be an actress," she shrugged-a shame, honestly, considering Doreen's skill as one, it was a shame she never pursued it beyond that.
"I could never do that-I think I'd get stage fright, honestly!"
#((i know; it was such a bummer! and what's more; while they were visiting me; their parents were gonna fly to wyoming))#((to visit my uncle's mom but their flight kept getting delayed and delayed and delayed until it was finally canceled))#((and with no other flight to take; my aunt and uncle just went home and spent thanksgiving with their neighbors!))#((it was still a nice turkey day for them; but defidently frustrating to boot!))#((still; i'm glad you had a nice; cozy thanksgiving and got to watch 'home alone' to boot! defidently favorites of mine!))#((and i do indeed celebrate christmas! i loved 'the santa clause' movies growing up; especially the second one))#((but i also loved watching the original animated 'how the grinch stole christmas'))#((as well as plenty of christmas/winter-themed episodes of 'scooby-doo'; and i still loving revisiting them even now!))#((now that it's december; i'll be rewatching 'a nutcracker scoob' here in the near future!))#((how about you? aside from 'the santa clause'; what were your favorites growing up?))#outofhatboxes#beatingheart-bride#V:Genderbent
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So, in the last 24 hours:
our bathroom light started flickering our dog started limping and spasming our freezer started over-freezing our refrigerator died we found out that the muffler on our single vehicle is shot
I hate it here.
#Notes by Nikki#I'm trying so hard to stay positive#for my mom's sake#she's not doing well#it's possible that we won't be able to go on our trip at all#and we've already altered our plans#originally we were going to go to Texas#but then the pipes burst#now we're planning to just go a few hours away to visit family#but even that will be too expensive in gas#if we have to spend hundreds of dollars#on vet bills#and new appliances#and rewiring#and who the actual fuck knows what else#I hate it here#I hate adulting#I hate being poor#I hate that everyone that I know#is also poor#capitalism sucks#capitalism is evil#capitalism is a scam#capitalism is hell#capitalism is a disease#capitalism is the worst#also my teeth have been bothering me#and I don't have insurance
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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speaking of cars I gotta order rotors so bad because my car currently SCREAMS every time I go below 20km/h without lightly riding the brakes and my main motivator is honestly embarrassment
#its so fucking loud#I do mountain driving back and forth to visit my mom occasionally and I *know* the front left rotor is warped#it's about time to replace the rotors and pads anyways but I'm putting it off so I can buy good quality ones bc the shitty ones. well.#this is what happened with the shitty ones lmfao#I'm gonna order em! I'm gonna do it! I care about my shitbox of a car!
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My mom just sent a message to the family group chat suggesting that my siblings download the 'For the Strength of Youth' magazine on their Gospel Library app and talked about how much the youth magazines helped her testimony growing up and like, cool. Fine. Don't know why the 'sending random spiritual thoughts in the gc' thing started out of nowhere when it hadn't been a thing for a decade but this is just another one of those, and you're ofc allowed to talk about things that are significant in your life.
I don't think sending the 'What I Did When Someone Close to Me Challenged My Faith' article right afterwards was strictly necessary though 🙃
#hi bg mutuals 👋 i'm gonna vent about this from time to time. if any mutuals dont want to see it block the 'apostake' tag#trying not to read too much into it b/c I think I did last time something like this happened#and i dont want to make an ass of myself even if neither time would actually be in front of my parents#but like...i know that they know that one of my sisters is clearly PIMO#they went through her phone a couple weeks ago and i have no idea if they read my texts w/ her#but if they did they probably saw the conversation i had with her about some of the really common shelf-breakers#and telling her to take looking into it at her own pace b/c it's scary and overwhelming#(a conversation SHE started btw)#and when i talked to my parents about the larger context of that whole situation i talked about not having space to step back#and their response was that they give plenty of space b/c they dont make her go to seminary???#that's not the same thing as letting her openly question & potentially leave the church idk what to tell you#like. besties i dont know for sure what caused it (which is NOT making things better. it just feels potentially passive aggressive)#but from my end? it sure looks like it might be a reaction to that. probably not JUST that (friends exist) but.#if you think I'm whispering anti-mormon rhetoric into my siblings' ears just ask me. i'm very much NOT doing that#i'm just. talking? to them? when and if they come to me with questions?#and not making my answer 'well there's a reason our parents raised us in the church! ☺️'#(an actual argument given in the article my mom sent)#hate it. thanks#apostake#jay rambles#ok to interact#im not challenging anyone's faith. my patience though? INCREDIBLY challenged#gotta figure out how to work my way around a 'hey please dont send spiritual thoughts to the gc *I'm in*' talk tactfully#they've been pretty chill about me leaving over-all?? at least to my face#haven't pushed me to go to church w/ them; was fine with me not visiting for easter; didnt try to convince me to not drink coffee; etc#it's just. frustrating that they're not giving my siblings that still live with them that same grace#my sister's 17 ffs#it's very possible im way overreacting to the article. but what is tumblr for if not screaming into the void#religion#mormonism
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.... OK I really hope I can keep this dude ♥
#miranda talking shit#Like... I just want him around me... Yeah. First visit I thought it may be how I felt. Now I'm like lol yeah#8+ hour visit later... Not even that I just... Am being used for sx like we talk so much#We talked about past experiences and love and children etc. Like... I guess we just vibe. Or rather I feel like we do#We make each other laugh and he seem to want to touch me and want to tell me about things#He talked about metal (or we about music but I'm not a metal head so) and he played songs for me#He found my reactions to them funny. Some song did some guitar thing and I was like “woah!”#He laughed and after the song went into explaining what it was. How it was done and such#“i wonder what you think about this... Or... Well maybe you won't care. But I think you may find it interesting?”#Me already clawing at the phone: yes yes I'm interested show me!!!#I love having people show me things willingly. Like even if it's embarrassing or whatever like hey I am going to love it#He showed Warhammer figures he had painted and talked about that#I love hearing people info dump like omgggg hiiii tell me everything uwu#I took up the... Idea of being fwb and being like... Exclusive about it. And he was like “I mean... I haven't really been seeing anyone els#Mainly bc I don't want to and bc it's so... -makes eye contact with me-“ me: tiring?”-deep sigh-yes so tiring.... “#He shared a lot of personal things in general and one thing in detail he definitely didn't have to#I mean I casually say I got daddy issues but that's like... Yeah my dad never cared for me and my siblings that's just how it is ya know#Idk man. Been a while I... Felt so... At ease and.... Open so quick with anyone. I liked Linus quick but not in this way#I hope I get to keep him around me for more... Like he's.... I think we have things in common but we are definitely still different enough#Want to learn everything I can about him. Plus he let's me be... Overly affectionate and serviceing him like an doting mom (how I want to#Treat everyone in my life but I know majority don't accept it). I get to bring him a drink and help him get dressed to go outside#Men who just goes along with how I want to express affection and not hate it is great#I mean. I don't think he have been touched this... Affectionately before either. I'm very intense and like.... Yeah it's like I'm in love#With you. Sorry I'm stroking your face and looking into your eyes and all :/#He just smiles. Me with basically heart shaped eyes and he's like: :)#Some nerdy brunette: hi (: me: omg? Spend all your free time with me???
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old people really were raised on the idea that their descendants were just future caretakers for them and never fucking learned to think otherwise
#sorry grandma thinks i'm her therapist again#grandma takes everything i do for her for granted again#grandma overthinks literally every fucking aspect of her life and confuses the fanfic she made up about her relatives for reality again#like she's dead convinced nobody loves her and nobody does anything for her and nobody visits her and yadda yadda yadda#girl i can't be at your house every fucking day. i don't have a car. my mom's got a fucking job.#literally she never voices her god damn needs. she never says ''hey i need help with this'' or ''i'm not well could you do that for me''#we're just supposed to fucking use our telepathic powers we definitely have to Guess what she wants from us#and then when we don't succeed at that Easy Task it's our fault and she's so alone and nobody cares wah wah boohoo#and if you so much as breathe in a way that might maybe possibly indicate that you're a little bit in disagreement with her#or that you could potentially have some form of criticism or advice about her behavior she doubles the fuck down#you tell her ''calm down'' she hears ''SHUT UP NOBODY CARES YOU SHOULD JUST DIE''. those are definitely the same statement.#she fucking begged me to ask my therapist to start seeing her too. fucking 6-7 months later she's like#nooo i don't want to go anymore what's the poiiiiint#GIRL IVE BEEN GOING FOR 6 GOD DAMN YEARS.#IT TOOK ME 5 OF THOSE YEARS TO EVEN JUST -START- GETTING BETTER AND I WAS LESS DEPRESSED THAN YOU#IT'S NOT GONNA MAGIC AWAY IN 7 MONTHS !!!!#I'LL DRAG YOU THERE KICKING AND SCREAMING IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES BUT YOU'RE FUCKING GOING#*through gritted teeth* i love and care about you and want you to be well Stop getting in the way of me doing that
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My mom finished my scarf and I'm obsessed
(hubs and wife out here looking good)
#that and we finally got a huge jump on the next chapter#Doing things with the family#visited my mom#getting it done#my husband got me coffee but you can't see it#coffee time#goth mom#alt mom#i think i'm pretty#my husband says I'm pretty#makeup#personal#dyed hair#snapchat filters#short hair#winter#stressed depressed and well dressed#it was cold
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ALSO I need you all to know that my aunt heard me affectionately talking about someone and later when my cousin drove her home, was like "I didn't know she was gay!" And, like, kudos to my aunt who was 100% cool with that (though surprised) and did not make a big deal about it in the moment, but I later had to inform her that my bestie and I are unfortunately not a couple because she is tragically heterosexual. I mean, with that said though, she is right and I AM gay.
#I mean look. she's got the spirit. she's a lot of things but by god she's not a homophobe. hahahahahaha#also re: not a couple: we're platonic soulmates tho so it's fine#she has LITERALLY said the GAYEST SHIT IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE about us like HOZIER-LEVEL GAYNESS hahahahaha so I am so fine with it lmaoooo#Oh and a few years ago I delegated the task of coming out to my family to my mother who told my other aunt and uncle that I'm queer#and my other aunt was like “....so what's the news you had?”#and my mom was like “that's it”#and my aunt was like “oh okay. well we love her anyway and don't care. what do you want for lunch?”#so my mom was like#“hey. listen. I don't think this is necessary. so I'm not gonna bother telling anyone else.” and I was like “okay cool thanks.”#I saw them in Jan when I visited my then-gf who lived north of them and they asked to see a picture and were like “oh she's cute!!” lol#also I mentioned an ex girlfriend to my nephews last week and they simply did not react. and these are kids who go to catholic school haha#I also explained the difference between republicans and democrats to them after they asked (I was watching the news)#during which time I had to explain abortion#so I was like “...and Republicans think that abortion is killing babies before they're born...”#and my nephews were like “that doesn't make sense!”#and I was like “yeah. Yeah I know.”#LMAOOOOOOOOO
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.
#speaking of mediocre faggotry i think i accidentally outed myself to my bio dad in like. the best case scenario of how he took what i said#in a conversation when i visited over Labor Day and like if so it clearly wasn't a major issue at all the only response was 'I'm amazed at#what uve told me tonight' which could also just as well be shock over being told i despise everything about how my life is unfolding lol#and that facist bullshit does in fact personally impact me and my interests rather than is#something that i can easily just pretend doesn't affect my individualist interests lol#but also the way that specifically came up is inextricably linked w gay bars and what would otherwise be unreclaimed slurs so i honestly#would infinitely prefer i did out myself in that case lol#but anyway IDK where I'm really going w this it just feels weird bc ik my sister did apparently come out a couple years ago and he vented#to me about it being phase probably bc of moral corruption from her mom so like IDK how much waa even actual acceptance#vs not wanting a scene given that and i literally do not know where I'm going w this i just want to post it lol sooooo posT
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my poor body. she does not work so good
#you don't. have to read all these tags. in fact i don't think you should tbh i'm just writing in my diary here. getting very tmi in here rn#i wanna talk about me#gonna try and see if i can get an appt with a new doc tomorrow#because as much as i want to see ANOTHER doctor like i want a hole in my head. i and my mom think it would be good#to see an internist for some more personalized care for my Horrors#cause y'know. i've been pretty happy with my endo for a while now but i just haven't had any improved results in a year or two from them#and their advice is just always. diet and exercise diet and exercise diet and exercise#which is vague and impersonal and unhelpful#it's frustrating. i just want someone to tell me what's going on and how and why we're doing what we're doing#i don't need to be skinny (i'm never gonna be skinny.) i don't need to be an athlete#i just want to feel okay and make sure my body isn't going to poison itself over time#well anyway. hoping i can make a first appointment within the next couple of months#i'm seeing my new obgyn next month...will definitely be asking about my hospital visit yesterday.#i know ovarian cysts can happen and rupture in anyone and aren't necessarily correlated to pcos but#knowing i've got the latter makes me really nervous about the former happening again#and if it happened while i'm already being treated. i think it might be time for a change of treatment...
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Tomorrow Mr. Geeky and I's relationship will be old enough for it to legally buy alcohol in the United States.
#geeky talks#and i'm still sick so we can't do anything#which sucks but it is what it is#mars' spring break is the first week do April#and my mom will be visiting#so maybe mr geeky and i will do something then#it really is too bad that the vegas trip wasn't so recent#going to vegas to celebrate 21 years together#just seems like the thing to do#ah well i'll just retroactively call it an anniversary trip#XD
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saw a reel of some kids at an orchestra camp that looked suspiciously like the one i was forced to go to one year... worst experience of my life!!!
#when i tell you i think there are things stemming from that experience! my parents were actually so wrong for making me go...#my mom CRIED bc i kept insisting that i didn't want to do it bc i a) was never That into music especially not CHAMBER music#b) knew that i would not know anyone and would be stuck in the middle of nowhere with people who were already friends from previous years#c) was only even given an audition bc my teacher knew the staff and their other oboist wasn't able to go that year and they needed one#d) WAS THIRTEEN AND WANTED TO SPEND THE SUMMER WITH MY FRIENDS#i do actually think it caused me real psychic damage attending that like the fact that Everyone was already friends with everyone else...#i came with no friends and i left with no friends! and when i tried to talk to the other girls in my cabin i could tell they were like...#why are you trying to be in our friend group. there was a girl who was nice to me but i was not her friend very clearly#also i was soooo out of my depth there it was Rough for me fr and like i Knew i was out of my depth i had no illusions about that#i knew i would be which is why i was like yeah this is Not for me#i still cannot get over my mom crying about this like this wasn't some great life changing opportunity...#my parents really have and always have had these Ideals they place on me bc They think xyz would be nice#or they wish they could have done it like ??? okay why does that have anything to do with me#my dad keeps being like well *I* want you to go to grad school in mtl bc i like mtl and i want to visit 😁#like haha you're not funny actually 😁 first of all not a single damn thing is stopping you from going you can drive there whenever you want#secondly one of us does NOT want to be in mtl again 😁 and that one of us actually lived there before#also the way my parents constantly visiting me pissed me off to no fucking end... I'M NOT THE PROBLEM CHILD#worried that i just stay in my room like ???? okay??? but if i went out you'd flip bc what if it's unsafe. i LIKE staying home#and i HATED mtl so no way in hell was i going to go do shit especially not at night in the WINTER are you insane#like yeah i was super depressed. that was unrelated to me staying in my room like my room was my Space#anyway all this to say i'm setting the fuck boundary this time around like i actually dgaf i'm an adult and again#not your problem child so if you could stop projecting that onto me just bc HE fucked up when he was in school....#parents will be like why can't you be independent and then literally not let you be i 🫶🏻 it#i do also hold it against the boy child and my dad for this 'you can only go to schools within a 6 hour drive'#which is only a rule my sisters and i had and maybe if the boy child wasn't a fuck up i couldve not had it but you know#he ruined any chance of that but my dad when i was applying for college was like oh it can be anywhere :) and then was like lol no#and then was like well for grad school you can go anywhere and then when it was brought up last time went lol no :)#so i'm going to have to bring lol yes :) energy cuz...
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