#well. ive at least got almost all my stuff here now. so i dont have to worry about more packing

[elemental-daddy-neos]

Wanna write more genderbend stuff but I am held back by the need for a job

[thebuttsmcgee]

so. um. 👉👈

hi guysies.

Ig I should just say like. Hi

I haven't been posting here as much cause. Idk. Might be depression? I keep thinking its cause I've been so busy, which also wouldn't be not untrue, but these past, like, 3 weeks I think so far? I've had some free time but I haven't cause. I dunno, then again, I haven't been doing too much in general? I gues, besides very mandatory things, hell I've even been lacking in my regular skyrim hours of playing.

That, and as said, I get super melancholic when I remember just how sad and bittersweet it is that t0h is. Actually legit over. The show and experience, that is.

Oh all that and also becuz my headphones broke! Fuck! That's like number 2 in my bare necessities for when I post, do almost anything really! It's seriously been painful this past month going without headphones holy shit. Dude I've been scratching at the bit for some relief for headphones, I NEED music legitimately. Even right now, as I'm typing this on my phone, my music is on low levels.

But yerp. Its been. Rough. Really rough. I really do appreciate yall, everyone of yall. Have a sweet week everyone, ✌️!

[agirlwithglam]

how to develop self love and confidence

— a step by step guide by yours truly ♥

disclaimer!! for some people it can take a lot longer to love themselves than others, so don't be discouraged if it takes a bit longer. just remember that no matter what you think, you ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.

step 1: identifying the root cause

first you need to find WHY you dont love yourself. it usually comes down to these main reasons:

society

your looks

comparison

your abilities

childhood trauma

your current situations

it can be just one or more than one, and sometimes it may not be as simple as "my looks", sometimes you may have to dig deeper.

for me, it was because i thought i was "ugly"

step 2: once you know the WHY, research about the topic and try and solve it.

here ive broken down the 6 reasons to help you a bit: (but remember that this is just a small break down, if you want you can research more about the topic & try to battle it)

society: society has tricked us into believing that loving yourself is considered 'vain' or 'narcissistic'. let me tell you right now that THAT IS NOT TRUE. loving yourself is a basic necessity that everyone should have!!

your looks: this is something i struggled with for a loong time. remember that beauty is subjective!! bob could think that travis looks 'average' but Leo could think that travis looks absolutely gorgeous!! ☆ so how did i overcome this? i actually 'glowed up'. bc the main thing i didnt like was face- my teeth to be specific. so once i got braces, my teeth aligned and i started looking so much better. ☆ other struggles: ↴ for you if it may be acne, then you could start trying to take care of your skin better. or if its body image then if you reeeeally dont like it then literally just start working out. if you have the option to yet you still dont then dont complain. but remember that ALL BODIES ARE PERFECT. ★ another thing that helped me a lot was affirmations! i listened to a bunch of affirmations -> i used this video by thewizardliz and it did wonders! (you can also search up on yt self-love/ beauty affirmations)

comparison: for most people comparison comes from social media right? the simple solution to this would be unfollow accounts that dont serve you, or delete/ set a time limit on the social media platform "but what if i compare myself to people i meet in real life?" well we can't exactly unfollow or delete these people but what we can do is turn that jealousy (yes, jealousy) into inspiration! be inspired by the people with greater lives and use that to pull yourself forward! ☆ a quote that i read once (that may or may not help you) : "do not compare your chapter 1 to someone else's chapter 50." you never know what the other person has gone through or is going through that got them to this point!

your abilities: okay theres not much i can say here except that you can learn almost everything online nowadays. stop complaining and get off your lazy butt to prove to yourself just how much potential you have! (but don't beat yourself up for being a lazy butt, im one as well) here is a link to a TON of stuff you can learn online!

childhood trauma: this is a bit of a more delicate subject which i do not know a lot on, my best suggestion would be to just go to therapy (or use an online therapy app- betterhelp). - watching thewizardliz may help as well as she might know more about the topic.

your current situation: whether its trouble with friends, at school, at work, or with family i promise you that these things do not last forever. humans were not put on earth to be unhappy and miserable! (whats the point in that?) my advice is to learn more about the topic (for ex i was struggling with being left out w friends for a while and it did hurt a bit) and see what you can do to fix it or at least make the best out of it. + another reminder that you can use the law of assumption- in basic words the law states that whatever you desire, you have. all you need to do is accept that. heres a quote i read: "if you dont like where you are,, then move. you aint a tree." this is literally YOUR life. RESPECT yourself and dont let people treat you bad because that is disrespecting yourself!

step 3: focus on yourself!!

my favourite step!!

this is your sign to stop focussing on others' lives and start focussing on your own.

when you start to focus on yourself, up level yourself and try to become your best version of yourself, you actually end up falling in love with that version of yourself, and your current version!

ask yourself: is there even something to love?

ask yourself: would you want to date or be friends with someone like you? think actually deep about this; if your answer is no, then that obviously means that there is some work to do.

if you're constantly negative and complaining and rude all the time, trust me, literally no ones gonna want to hang out with you. and then you'll adopt that 'victim mindset' of "nobody likes me and i suck". instead of doing that, why dont you try to just suck a bit less? there isn't any pressure on you to become amazing the next day, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

small things/habits to start:

gratitude

hydration

exercising

journalling

meditation

eating healthy

developing a skill

get enough sleep

take cold showers

taking care of your skin

invest in your appearance

focussing on school/ your grades

go outside! go for walks, be in nature!

changing what you consume (resources below)

some resources that helped me SO MUCH:

♡ thewizardliz

♡ tam kaur

♡ persephone's mind

and meditation! its so extremely underated but SO VALUABLE.

xoxo, vanilla

[definitelynotshouting]

okay hello hi here to shout again because I have ROTATING the hunger lore for DAYS

ECOSYSTEMSSSSS!!! LETS GOOOO!!! did I do well in biology? No!!! I did not :D but ecosystems I know bby!!! MOONS AND STARS ABOVE I love the way it's all connected to like this huge ecosystem and the Watchers being almost gone, the Seekers being completely gone, and rhe Listeners relatively new!! Like?? That's so extremely clever and fascinating to me, and I love the way things are out of balance now bc!!! Yea!!! That's how ecosystems be!!

And also!!! It opens all these new thoughts!!! Like, I can't remember exactly if you said WHY the Watchers decided to take Grian, but if you didn't then like!!!! It opens up these possibilities of the Watchers trying to build back their population, which opens even MORE doors like "are they trying this with other players or was Grian the first/last?" And "would building their population out of Players actually help if Player-Watchers are different?" LIKE IM MEANT TO BE DOING SCHOOLWORK BUT I AM ROTATING

(and also. Love the way Grian became a Watcher. Can't remember if you specified the why (will go back and look) or if you're keeping it secret for now, but!! I love considering the ways populations adapt and survive to great loss and near extinction. It's very different from my own lore (living weapon Grian. Watchers took him to be a soldier bc Watchers and Listeners can't harm each other) so it's so fun to just think about and!!! Yeah!!! That's all I got!!!

Once again :D love your au <3 love your world building and your writing!! Was going to just send the one ask, but I cannot stop rotating your au!!! :D

-Wren

AAAAAA thank you so much!!!! :D im really pleased that everyone likes the ecosystem stuff-- ive been kinda noodling on it for a while because ecosystems are just so neat to me and it made a lot of sense to develop one when i decided Watchers were parasitic in this verse!!!!

I think ive only mentioned this offhand once or twice, but youve absolutely nailed the entire reason the Watchers took Grian-- they're trying to rebuild their population. Grian was essentially the beginning of an experiment to see if this was a suitable way to do that!!!

Actually lemme dive into that real fast, because i dont think i actually have before, at least not publicly. Something to note about Watcher life cycles is that they take comparatively a LONG time. Specifically, Watcher larvae take around a year to incubate within their hosts, and then once they "hatch" (altho "emerge" might be a better word for it) the juveniles take far longer to grow up and teach. And because these things are basically made out of wet tissue paper, theyve got a pretty high mortality rate.

So to get around that, and to try and get around the fact that juveniles often die because they dont know how to feed properly yet and often overextend themselves, why not try and copy the memory code of something fully grown and sentient and just... transfer it to a larva, so its easier to teach?? I feel like it kinda highlights the desperation the Watchers are feeling, that they'd go for this kind of wild experimentation, but it did technically work!!!

They just uh. Didnt account for the insane trauma that would cause, because to them Players are typically just viewed as food sources. Very orange and blue morality, in terms of their value systems compared to Players'.

Grian demonstrated to them that while its possible to rebuild this way on a technical level, its not actually feasible socially speaking. Grian ran from them because of the trauma they inflicted, and that sorta defeats the purpose of Watcherificating a Player so they can add to the community's population 💀💀💀💀 so yeah i'd say Grian is probably both the first and last experiment of his kind, if only because its just not reasonable to continue if your new Watchers are going to escape containment and flee to the ends of the universe every single time you make one /lh

I really love your concept with Watcher!Grian being a weapon, thats INSANELY neat holy shit!!!! Im feeling Things™ about that, i would absolutely love to hear more if you decide you want to tell me!!! It sounds like youve got some really cool symbolism in your lore, and i live for that shit >:]

Skdnwjfnmej anyway theres my own insane ramble to match your deeply flattering compliments, seriously thank you im so astonished people love this stuff so much, it makes me very very happy to know other people are spinning my concepts around in their heads :D feel free to send as many asks as you want!! I always love chatting with people :]

[roxalicious]

Do you have any more yuri recs?

sure, here's a few

love thy neighbor: about 24 year old uni student pah doyeon and her 40 year old housewife neighbor jin joo. jin joo's husband left her alone as he works to pay off his debts, and it has Not been a fun few months for her, as the loan sharks after him have been terrorizing her daily. luckily, pah doyeon is there to lend a hand and shelter!

probably my biggest recommendation as of right now, so long as you don't mind the very much not healthy nature of the whole situation. this baby's got everything in it: blasphemy, cheating, milf-hunting, obsession, self-discovery through lust, and so on. pah doyeon is great. there's a lot wrong with her. she said this shit unprompted in the latest chapter

a love yet to bloom: a sweet story about takamine, who has yet to find anything in life she enjoys, and sakura, a book-loving girl she happens to meet on the train after school. it's very cute and has a nice, chill atmosphere. i always look forward to the next update

otome no teikoku: ok so. heres the thing. if you decide to pick this up the first, idk, dozen chapters will be Bad. there's a lot of male-gazey uncomfortable stuff at the beginning, and while it doesnt take too long for it to stop feeling so offputting and start being surprisingly wholesome and earnest instead, it never stops being horny, so read it if youre in the mood for that.

as for what it's actually about... well there's this all girls school, right? and it has girls in it. and they are all gay and dating each other. its basically just a collection of short chapters about different couples within this school, and it has some of my favorite dynamics and moments in yuri. i reread it very often (and there's almost 300 chapters of this thing out, so that's a feat) and it never stops being enjoyable. stan nononon/yumimi

a monster wants to eat me: about hinako, who lost her whole family to the sea in a tragic accident and now yearns to join them in the afterlife, and shiori, a mermaid claiming she's here to eat her. the problem is, hinako being actively suicidal and depressed means her flesh won't exactly be very tasty, and shiori is a bit of a gourmet, meaning her goal is to first help her recover and regain her joie de vivre, and only then will she eat her. i highly recommend this

out of the blue!: transfer honor student x delinquent yuri. it's very short so i dont wanna yap about it too much, but it's a big big personal fave. it's only 4 chapters so check it out

sougou tovarisch: honestly anything by arata iri never fails to get at least one laugh out of me, but this one especially. if you know a kiss and a white lily by canno (and if you don't, go check it out), the premise to this one is a bit similar to the dynamic between ayaka and yurine, with hardworking MC obsessed with being number one and chill love interest who beats her without even meaning to.

the focus here is less on romance and more on comedy, and i love it. kanna is amazing. she wins a chess match by punching her opponent so hard she passes out. its only 13 chapters + assorted extras, very fun easy read

now some stuff that doesnt really have yuri as focus but ive really enjoyed regardless and want to shout out and this is my blog so whatever

liar satsuki can see death: satsuki can see dead people. specifically, she can see the future corpses of people up to 24 hours before they actually die. she always zealously warns the future victims of the imminent danger, and she has been branded a weirdo and a liar for it as no one has ever actually died before. in truth, she is actually literally incapable of lying, and the only reason everyone survived so far is that she will go to frankly insane lengths to save them. she's a great protagonist and her autistic swag has captivated me and many others

mieruko-chan: miko can see... Things. that no one else can. but she has to pretend she cant, especially to the Things themselves. she doesnt know exactly what will happen if they realize she can see them, but she's certainly not about to find out.

this started as a twitter short that quickly gained popularity, so the premise of many early chapters is basically "miko sees something terrifying and has to ignore it, hilarity ensues", but the initially one-off characters introduced over time are eventually explored and given quite a lot of spotlight and im having a lot of fun with it. stan michiru

there's always more but here's what ive got so far- wait. read shuukura. ive talked about it before it's in my pinned please read shuukura i love those weirdos to an insane degree

[tonydaddingham]

how in the world do you do it? i sent that ask yesterday and i'm still making my way through your masterpost kind of reeling- almost every moment i paused the show (s2 especially) and thought, that's weird, but couldn't put my finger on why, you've talked about, and expanded on, and it's all so well put. you're slowly curing the countless little ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ bouncing around in my head. it's so satisfying, too, to see all those asks with LWA disagreeing with popular fanon. i'd been thinking it was only me.

i'm curious about your interpretation of the bullet catch, specifically aziraphale's motives. i scrolled through a few of your tags and didn't find much about it, but i might have missed something.

i've seen people say it was retaliation for the holy water request (ooc?), or some deliberate test of crowley's willingness to go through with it (and so go through with their relationship, in spite of the danger, or something). then, of course, there's the generally accepted afaik "elaborate trust fall, general aziraphalean ridiculousness" version, but convincing somebody to nearly shoot you seems like a lot (understatement), even then.

it comes across to me as a bit cruel, if that makes sense. this isn't reliant on crowley not wanting to shoot him, or just doing well under pressure. if he's never even shot a gun before, this is almost entirely luck, and i don't buy that the only thing at stake is paperwork, however much they repeat it to themselves. crowley's hands wouldn't have been shaking so badly. if he messes up, he's gonna hurt aziraphale, or have to watch his human body die. it's so fucked.

maybe it could be said that, without their miracles working, they knew they were being watched, and had to continue, but i don't buy that either. aziraphale didn't act like he felt threatened afterwards until furfur showed up- was doing the complete opposite.

that's all i've got for now, but yeah. this blog is awesome and i'm so here for your sideburn theories. have a nice day pls

oh anon✨ you're so sweet!!! i really dk about all that, i just like chatting shit and trying to spot patterns/contradictory stuff/things that don't make sense beyond the script (if that makes sense), so whilst you all might not get Smart out of me you will at least get Passionate🤌

(also YES for LWA appreciation, they deserve it 💕 - still dont know why they do it but im just happy to be involved)

ooooh okay bullet catch. couple of thoughts from me:

aziraphale was happy to go on stage and try to ameliorate the situation between crowley and mrs h (my beloved), but reticent to scope out any Showy-Offy tricks from goldstones shop

crowley hyped aziraphale up enough to go into the shop and find a new trick to perform; hes the angel who fooled nefertiti and is performing on the West End Stage, after all!!!

aziraphale is taken in by the bullet catch trick upon seeing it, but was previously happy to consider another trick. he also, presumably, wasnt aware of the element of trusting a stooge until it was told to him

aziraphale persuades crowley to perform it, even when crowley is obviously uncomfortable, and crowley isn't truthful with him re: firearms experience

crowley agreed, providing that they make use of their miracles if it goes tits up

aziraphale doesnt inform crowley on any of the plan; crowley is notably caught unawares when called out in the audience

miracles don't work, neither of them stop the performance. crowley once again still very uncomfortable, literally shaking on stage, and yet seems to calm at aziraphale ploughing on ahead.

so okay, yeah, ive basically just recited the scene - but a few conclusions:

aziraphale doesn't want to let crowley down or embarrass him by backing out of the act, or indeed by messing it up

i think there's probably some element of aziraphale doing it for himself (self-esteem), but in a way that, post-Realisation, he is showing off a bit... it strikes me that crowley wasn't fully cognizant of this little hobby of his, and aziraphale is taking a moment to do something that (bless him, he thinks) he's good at, and wow crowley as a result

i don't think the holy water request came into his motivations at all, for the same reasons you said. however, it is an appropriate mirror to the holy water request narratively; i think it will come back up in s3, and i think the bullet catch will at least emotionally inform aziraphale on whether to give crowley the water or not

as for crowley's motivations in going along with it; i think to some extent he's paying back the favour, but mainly that it's truly just to make aziraphale happy. a step beyond that; to him, aziraphale is in need of something, and that is something aziraphale is only trusting crowley to deliver. crowley of course assumes miracles will be their safety net, so agrees to be aziraphale's knight in shining armour (*cough* playing hero)

when the miracles fail, aziraphale still has trust in crowley to do it properly. crowley however is left to trust in aziraphale's trust in kind. he still wants to do this for him, but the stakes are a bit higher in that he could shoot his best friend (?) in the face and not see him again on earth for any number of years (imo, it's never, ever been about the paperwork). but aziraphale isn't backing down; is crowley about to disappoint him? of course not.

tl;dr: they're both arseholes for their respective lacks of transparency with each other, deliberately put themselves in harm's way, and it was by sheer luck that they pulled it off. but it is a huge seismic shift in how they see each other, and i don't think we've been shown/suggested the full implications of the whole thing just yet.

thank you so much for your kind words, they honestly make my day!!! hope you have a lovely day too!!!✨💕

[garglyswoof]

Tagged by @jinxedwood and @austennerdita2533 for my fave books, I'm going with the wordy jinxedwood version bc yes, friends, you know me by now. I am what one calls a verbose bitch.

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER and this list may not be accurate but it's accurate tonight.

East of Eden - John Steinbeck The humanity of this book is what got to me. I couldn't imagine reading another book when I finished this one, I felt bereft and that odd sense of loss that comes at the conclusion of a story with characters you deeply love. Not to mention that the Kathy angle made sections feel straight out of a modern day thriller.

H is for Hawk - Helen MacDonald.. to intertwine a memoir of grief and loss with a th white biography and a large measure of birding knowledge is quite the feat. But that sounds too pat an answer. I'll quote my goodreads review for this: This book felt like me sharing something that lurks so deep inside my heart, so carefully protected, so strewn with feelings like vines and bits of moss that shake off as I hold it out. It felt like sharing that something and absolutely, 100%, knowing that the recipient understood, with every fiber of their being.

Survival in Auschwitz - Primo Levi. Please, this isnt just what you think it is. It is that and more. Levi's words will leave you spellbound and aching and hopeful and everything in between.

Dandelion Wine - Ray Bradbury. As with most of my favorites, this is sublime writing that makes me long for a time i am too young to have experienced. Utterly gorgeous.

Provinces of Night - William Gay. This was my first William Gay novel and I am slowly making through them all. Southern Gothic with such elegant prose. I want to write like him. A negative review called Gay's work "novels with poems scattered about weak plots" and frankly? that's what i love? so good job you sold me

Microserfs - Douglas Coupland The author of my 20s. His stuff opened me up to fiction about real people with real feelings thinking the things you do in your head. The unbearable loneliness of the human condition and the wondrousness that is friendship. I am not a rereader but ive read this book at least five times. I have no idea if it has aged well, i do not care.

The Chronicles of Amber - Roger Zelazny. Something about this urban? fantasy grabbed me in a chokehold and never let go. I first read this at the beach, paging through dog-eared paperbacks a friend urged me to read. I barely left the deck that week. The traveling into Amber, the walking of the Pattern - these things will never leave me.

Lonesome Dove - Larry McMurtry Look yes it's a western but it's The Western for a reason. Characters that seep into your bones. The image of lightning dancing across a steer's horns remains as vivid as when i read the book 3+ years ago.

Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel Something about how this post-pandemic story is paced, something about the stakes of it and how they will differ from any other post-apocalyptic book you've ever read, stuck with me. There was a simple beauty here that I never want to let go of.

Honorable mentions Les Mis, War and Peace, To be Taught if Fortunate, and i feel like i need a separate list for fave fun books? like romance and paranormal romance and ya that i love but dont come close to the above's impact

tagging @purplesigebert im curious! @ninzied cmon wax poetic with me about books @carry-the-sky i almost put the things they carried on here bc you made me read it but i can only do 9 @it-may-be-dull-but-im-determined i just feel like you'd have some cool thoughts and books to share

ok im tagged out

[tendebill]

ive got some random thoughts about my art/video making/animation progression because ive been digging through old files recently

so i took it upon myself to put together my old unfinished oc animatics from anno domini 2018 and 2019 (and maybe another one from 2021 if i feel like it) because 1) i didnt have good animation software back then 2) i didnt have a good enough laptop to edit without the programs i DID have crashing and 3) i couldnt really edit that well.

and let me tell you. the oc lore is outdated as shit, the art is abysmal, dont get my started on the composition & storytelling (or my attempts at it back then), but it feels almost therapeutic to "finish" or at least stitch together bits of animatics my younger self never finished or abandoned or gave up on. because they were too hard or i didnt know what to do or i lost motivation and forgot about them eventually. it just feels... nice yk?

i just compared my new edit with the 2018 one (because the file still blissfully works and i didnt know that until AFTER i was done with editing the new one) and like- besides the fact that i sorta changed the timing of certain shots cuz i didnt remember my original plans from 2018, i do like the end result.

when i think of how long it took me to edit some of it back then vs how much easier it was now, it feels nice. i used to rely so heavily on "tweening" (for lack of a better word) of certain moving parts and even then i could barely make it work, i overused different effects and made the whole thing muddy and hard to work on/fix later. nowadays i just copy the frame a couple of times and move them around to create the timing i want, i like the slight choppiness it adds as well. i do "tween" certain bits sometimes too, when appropriate, but again, it feels so much easier to do now vs then.

i dont know if i had a point to make here, and i dont know if im ever going to post these "restored" unfinished animatics. ive thought about compiling them into one long yt video as sort of a "hey look at all the stuff i wanted to make but never finished" or something along those lines. or maybe i'll just leave them in the files. we'll see.

[dirk-rider]

TT: I just can’t believe you’ve never experienced the pleasures of fast food.

TT: Like, not figuratively. I literally cannot believe you have never once in your entire life sat down and shoved a big mac into that bucktoothed mouth of yours.

GT: Well a mans got to keep himself in tip top shape if he wants anything to do with the ladies!

TT: I eat fast food. You still fuckin’ drool over me like a goddamn dog.

GT: Pshhhh.

GT: No i dont!

TT: …

GT: And even if i did you yourself arent a LADY! Lovely as that would be : )

TT: Oh, I bet.

GT: If you really are so insistent though i haven’t had dinner yet…

TT: Well my shift’s almost over, so if you’re serious you better get here fast.

GT: Oh right on! You dont need to worry my good bro! Im getting in the car as we speak!

TT: Don’t text and drive man.

GT: Ive got my trusty skulltop!

GT: And anyway with that logic you shouldnt be texting on the job! Im sure you’ve got other things to tend to.

TT: Not really. That’s why I’m heading out early.

GT: Oh! I guess i should have put that together haha.

GT: How early exactly?

TT: Like right about now.

GT: Well golly Dirk you could wait for me at the very least : (

TT: You’re right, I could.

TT: But I could also go home and play video games.

GT: : (

GT: Half the reason i decided to come over anyway was to see my good bro!

TT: Well it’s too late, I’m already in the car.

GT: But that means ill be missing out on seeing the real you!

TT: How about I call you. Then we can talk usin’ our voices and shit. Maybe that’ll help up the realism factor.

GT: Well i GUESS that would be close enough…

TT: Sweet.

So that’s how Dirk Strider ended up on the phone with his good buddy pal Jake English while he ordered his first ever fast food meal.

“So you’re gonna want to try the chicken nuggets, first off, because our chicken nuggets are the absolute shit,” Dirk explained, pulling into his driveway. “And I’d also order the fuckin… uhhh…. the double stack burger, since you like lettuce, and that shit has a lotta lettuce. Oh, and get one of the large fountain drinks, too, I just cleaned the machine today so there shouldn’t be any fuckin’ maggots infesting that shit or whatever.”

“Eww, Dirk, that’s gross! I’m going to lose my appetite before I even get there at this rate!” Jake replied, and Dirk could practically hear him wrinkle his nose. He chuckled lightly.

“Don’t worry bro I’m joking,” he assured him. “Mostly.”

Jake sighed deeply. “Well, I’m next in line, so anything else that’d get you off?”

Dirk blushed a bit. Jake was joking, obviously, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true. Dirk shut the car door and started walking inside as he replied, “If you REALLY wanna get me off, double that shit.”

“Heheh, alright bro, as you wish!” Jake replied, giggling a bit. Dirk smiled to himself at that. Obviously Jake wouldn’t be doing that, but it was still a thought he enjoyed. There was a silence for a moment as he reflected on this mental image, storing it away for later as he flopped down on his bed, when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

“Alright, Dirk, now how do I order? I ask the metal robot box for food, right?”

Dirk came back to himself, and then remembered how much of a self sheltered dumbass his crush was.

“Yeah, roll down your window and when they say some shit like, ‘hello, welcome to [fast food place], I’ll take your order whenever you’re ready!’, you gotta say what you want.” He put on an admittedly obnoxious high pitched tone as he imitated his coworkers - he wasn’t really a big fan of some of them.

“Alright! Then that I will do! One moment!”

And so Dirk sat back and listened while Jake ordered, nodding approvingly as he did so. Jake ordered a double decker bacon burger, a six piece of chicken nuggets with honey barbeque sauce (just weird enough to be a totally Jake English thing), and a coke. All totally good, some of the best stuff on the menu.

And then he said “Oh, and double that order! I’d like two of everything, if you would!”

And Dirk practically melted into his bed.

He stayed quiet as Jake exchanged money with the cashier (Dirk’s manager), Jake joking about how “it only got busy when I got here”, which was honestly probably true. People DID seem to gravitate towards Jake English.

Eventually, he got to pull forward. As he was handed the bags, he gave an honest thank you, before a sound of confusion came from the speakers in Dirk’s earbuds.

“What’s wrong, bro?” Dirk asked.

“Oh! Well, I guess now that I think about it, I should have figured this would happen, but ordering two of everything seemed to include two drinks as well..?”

“Well yeah man, unless you specify that you only want one drink, they’re gonna think ‘double everything’ includes that shit.”

Maybe he was coming off as rude, and maybe his speech was becoming sloppy, but he was currently more focused on taking down the small tent in his pants than he was on explaining the proper way to order food.

“Well yes, I guess so, but… golly, what should I do with the second one? I already can’t drink an entire bottle on it’s own normally, and I was planning on saving the one I ordered for later-“

“I dare you to chug it,” Dirk replied, only realizing he wasn’t just thinking that after the words escaped his mouth.

Luckily, Jake stayed oblivious as always as he replied, “we’ll see if I have enough room left later,” laughing a bit. God he didn’t know how much that turned Dirk on.

“Right. Well, sweet. You got your food, you got your drinks, now what? Should I hang up or something? I can hang up if you want me to.”

“Oh no no no, dickens no! Dirk, I rarely if ever get to call you, I want to hear more of your voice!” Jake replied quickly.

“Wow, so you are absolutely desperate to listen to my voice, aren’t you? Not drooling over me my ASS.”

Jake chuckled a bit. “It’s normal to want to talk to your best bro for at least a little bit each day! And besides, I don’t know if there’s some proper form or whatnot to eating this food. Need I remind you, there’s a first time for everything!”

“Yeah, there is. But what really could be so different about fast food? You just kind of… eat it.”

“Well, maybe there is some proper order or such I need to follow. I don’t know, man!”

“Nah, it’s pretty simple. Take a bit of the burger, then wash it down with that coca cola shit, then follow it by dunkin’ your nugs in that soda like it’s some kinda sauce, really get it all sopping wet so you can eat it all good and soggy.”

A moment of silence followed, before Jake said, “no offense my good pal, but that shit sounds absolutely foul.”

Dirk chuckled a bit. “Nah, nah man, you have to try it. That’s the only true way to eat chicken nuggets. Everyone knows that.”

“Well, thank you for your advice, but I am afraid I won’t be doing that,” Jake replied, laughing along with him.

The two boys proceeded to make dumb suggestions and jokes the rest of the way to Jake’s home, until eventually Jake exclaimed, “Home at last!”

“Cool. Can’t wait for you to go inside and start shoving that shit in your mouth. Make sure to put on a show for me, alright?”

“Heheh, right-o!”

Dirk heard a door shut, then heard Jake yell, “Anybody home? No? Alrighty then!” and then heard another door shut.

“Jade’s not there tonight?” Dirk asked.

“It doesn’t appear so! Probably out gardening or volunteering or something.”

“Huh. Well that’s cool,” Dirk said, trying to tone down his excitement. “Maybe you can like, I dunno. Let loose now or some shit.”

Man was he good at hiding what he was thinking.

“Sure can! I can do almost anything I want tonight, and you’re going to bear prime witness to it all!”

Dirk smiled. “No, I’m not WITNESSING shit, man. I can only hear you, remember?”

“Well sure, that is true, but that’s all a matter of semantics. Who knows, we really should hang out soon anyways!”

“With or without food?” Dirk asked, rolling over in his bed.

“It depends on if this is really all you cracked it up to be! And there is really only one way to find out!”

Dirk could hear the familiar crinkle of fast food bags being opened and unwrapped, then the sound of chewing, then the sound of a hearty swallow, and then,

“ZOUNDS, Dirk! You were absolutely, positively right about this! Dear lord, this is amazing!”

Dirk could only imagine the face Jake was making. It sounded like he was making that face he made when he was super excited about something, the one where his eyes shot wide open, sparkled, but still somehow crinkled at the edges with his smile. Dirk buried his face into a pillow to muffle the sounds threatening to escape him.

Luckily, without needing any further comment from him, Jake continued eating, and the way his mic was set up was right against his throat, so Dirk got to hear every little noise that came from him. And god damn if they weren’t good sounds.

Jake surely wasn’t aware of this, and he’d most definitely move it if Dirk said something, so instead Dirk chose to maintain a comfortable silence on his end as he listened to Jake English absolutely devour a burger. Usually the sounds of eating made him slightly uncomfortable, but picturing JAKE making those noises? That was another story entirely. And those moans of satisfaction? Pure aphrodisiac. After only a few moments though Jake had already finished.

“Mm, gah, I need something to drink!” Jake exclaimed. “That was good, but absolutely parching, heh!”

“You got soda, don’t you?”

“Well yes,” Jake said, “that is true! I’ll go grab it!”

“From where man?” Dirk asked, admittedly somewhat disappointed that the display was already on pause.

“Oh, I set it down on my bedside table,” Jake explained, his voice surrounded by the sounds of a microphone that’s set a little bit too sensitive. “My hands were full.”

“Ah.” So Dirk waited in anticipation till he heard Jake plop back down in his spinny desk chair.

“Alright, here goes! Cheers!” Jake exclaimed. When Dirk didn’t reply, though, he repeated himself, albeit a bit less enthusiastically. “Um, cheers, bro? You have to say it back,” he chuckled.

“Nobody says weird shit like that but you.”

“Well then, I’ll instead say: bottoms up!”

“You do you.” Dirk then quickly tensed again as he heard the almost annoyingly close sound of a bubbling liquid making it’s way down Jake’s throat, and man was he swallowing fast. Eventually though the noises slowed, and Dirk heard a short breath out, followed by a short gurgly burp that seemed to surprise Jake just as much as it did Dirk.

“Hah, excuse me, Dirk! Wasn’t - wasn’t expecting THAT, heh,” Jake said, his voice rising a bit.

“No, it’s cool, man. I really don’t care.” And what a lie that was.

“Al-right, if you say so, bro,” Jake chuckled. “What next, though..?”

“You should try the chicken nuggets. That shit is fuckin’ bomb,” Dirk told him.

“Well then, guess I will! If they’re anything like those patty sandwiches, I’m sure they’re positively delightful!”

“Yeah. Whatever the fuck a patty sandwich is.”

Jake either didn’t hear or didn’t care to respond to that, instead digging around his bag for the small packets of honey barbeque sauce. When he found it, he made a sort of triumphant sound. And as he began eating these, Dirk’s thoughts were only getting hotter and hotter.

Every sound of delight, every smacking of the lips, every pause for a drink just left Dirk hungrier and hungrier, but he had to keep his cool. Even if the mental image of your best bro/biggest crush eating fast food was the exact opposite of “cool”. Jacking off while on the phone certainly wasn’t cool either, and so instead he just clenched his jaw and squeezed his poor pillow harder. Jake would occasionally make comments of course, unable to bask in his own sound as Dirk was, but Dirk would simply give his usual noncommittal reply of “yeah” or “huh”. It was easier that way for him really.

After what felt like quite a bit too short, though, Jake finally gave a somewhat disheartening “aw”, and now Dirk was the one sparking conversation.

“What’s wrong, man?”

“Oh, nothing really! Just finished the box quite a bit quickly, aha!”

“Oh yeah.”

“…”

“Well, you still got a whole other bag of this stuff, too, y’know,” Dirk pointed out. “Not like you’re out of food for a while.”

“Oh I guess that is true..! Here, let me grab the other-“

But it was now or never, and Dirk knew his hormonal high wouldn’t be lasting too much longer if he didn’t do something about it, so he did.

“Hold on a second, you promised me a show, remember? We’re not gonna look back and laugh at your first time eating fast food otherwise. We need some excitement and shit to really add stakes.”

“What do you mean? What would you want me to do to… make a show of things?”

“Uhh.” Dirk paused a moment, hoping it’d make it seem like a spur of the moment recollection and not a nightly fantasy. “Remember when you said you’d chug that soda? Do that shit I dunno.”

Jake went quiet a moment, seemingly thinking, before eventually replying, “Well I can’t seem to think of a reason not to!”

“Hell yeah. Chug chug motherfucker!”

“Heheh, alright!” Jake replied, unscrewing the cap of the second one. And Dirk most definitely noticed that this was a new bottle, the slight click of the seal being broken telling him just that. And he also most definitely was not upset by this. He heard a sharp fizzing noise, then a somewhat shaky breath on the other end, and then the sound of Jake English gulping down a bottle of soda.

Dirk wanted to say something, ANYTHING to distract from how absolutely amazing an experience this was for him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to speak. The sound of swallowing liquid was just so mesmerizing to him, he couldn’t turn his attention to anything else.

Soon though, Jake’s lips parted from the bottle, and as they did so a low, breathy belch came out of him. This time, though, he did not excuse himself, rather just exclaimed, “Hn - gosh, Dirk, all that and it’s still not done!”

Dirk inhaled sharply.

“W-well then, keep going man,” he replied, his own voice shaking with a hideous combination of arousal and nerves. “I’ve chugged lots of drinks, I’m sure you can too, heh.”

“Well of course I CAN, Dirk,” Jake said, making it sound like the concept was obvious, “but it’s a matter of how FAST I can. You yourself never even have any - ahem - eructations, which is honestly something I envy! Especially seeing how quickly you can down a whole bottle-“

“Yeah but this isn’t about me, man. I can do that any old time. I dared YOU to, remember? So uh- hurry up, man!“

Dirk was becoming antsy, the bulge in his pants becoming hotter, more painful by the moment. He knew he had to go soon, he had to do something about THIS. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave just yet, he had to experience just a bit more.

“Well, alrighty then! I can’t leave a good dare hanging!” And so he continued gulping down the drink, this time each swallow seeming much more forceful, more liquid going into his throat than was going all the way down. And, as the bottle began crinkling, a sign it was finally empty, Jake threw it down on the table triumphantly.

“Ya-hoo! I did it, Dirk! Did you hear that? Drank an entire bottle on my own-!” a gurgling noise made itself known in Jake’s throat. “Oh, one moment.”

Dirk heard a thumping sound, like Jake was banging on his chest, and he could just imagine so perfectly Jake holding one finger up as he did so, in an “i’ll get back to you” sort of way. And then the gurgling noise got higher and higher, and then the noises ceased for one split second of silence-

And an explosive belch came from the speakers in Dirk’s earbuds.

The mic clipped as the eructation was happening, and Dirk’s heart was going faster than it ever had. He had to bite his cheek hard to keep himself from moaning, tensing his body with all of his might. And when it was over, Jake’s chair creaked as he leaned back and sighed.

“Oh, MAN, Dirk, that felt - that felt good,” he said.

Dirk had to agree.

Rather than saying that, though, he instead ended up stuttering out, “I- uh, I have to mute myself real quick, you can - keep doin’ your thing, though. Uh, yeah.” He then quickly muted himself and began unzipping his jeans.

“Oh, alright Dirk! Will you be back soon?” Jake asked, sounding almost disappointed.

Dirk grimaced as he reached back up to unmute himself. “Unh, yeah. Yeah, man.”

“Oh, good! I’ll be waiting!”

Dirk nodded as though Jake could see him and muted himself again before struggling to pull his pants off and throw them to the floor. Finally clad in just his boxers and tee though, he reached under his waistband and inhaled sharply, involuntarily gripping his dick as he heard Jake unwrapping the other burger.

Shit, he’d forgotten about that.

When Jake continued eating, now that he seemed to think Dirk was gone, he ate much less tactfully. He moaned a bit more at the new flavors, took longer drinks, allowed himself to let out short burps between bites…

It was better than any shitty prno Dirk had ever watched, and he couldn’t even see this guy. He could only imagine though, the look of ecstasy on his face as he took large bites, tearing his meal to shreds. It gave Dirk more than enough push as he got himself off, the sounds of Jake’s ecstasy mixing with Dirk’s pleasure to create a beautiful, horrible noise.

After only a few short moments (though they seemed very long to Dirk) he had his own cum smeared across the head of his boxers, and he was left gasping for air, body limp as Jake simply continued on, completely oblivious to what his friend was doing on the other line.

As Dirk’s mind was fogged over, he began feeling disgusted with himself for the way he had acted, and he wanted to get mad, punch himself square in the face. But he also felt a deep sense of relief and ecstasy, the kind one can only get from having his fantasies played out in front of him.

Finally, Jake leaned back and let out a belch that he muffled with his fist. Dirk could her the sound of him slapping something like a beach ball, but he knew from experience that it was actually the sound of an overstuffed stomach, and it almost made him want a round two. He sighed and shook his head, though. That could wait for later, at least until he was off the line.

So he reached back up and unmuted himself, and the short “bing!” sound alerted Jake to his presence.

“Oh, Dirk! You’re back! Is everything alright?”

Dirk breathed deeply before answering.

“Yeah, Dave needed some help. With uh, his computer. Dude can’t understand computers for shit, always needs help with some update or whatever. And I didn’t want to - embarrass him, so I muted so you couldn’t hear his cries of fuckin’ agony as he realized all he had to do was turn the thing off and on again. Heh.”

Dirk grinned at how well he was able to bullshit that response.

“Oh, alright! That would make a lot more sense than what I was- no, never mind that. Um, I ended up finishing everything without you, sorry! I know you missed the ‘show’ and whatnot, I just couldn’t help myself!”

Dirk’s heart jumped a bit at that.

“Nah, it’s alright. Totally cool. I’m glad you enjoyed it,” he said simply. Such an understatement.

“Yes, I absolutely did enjoy it! Y’know, I really should have come on over as soon as you started working there. I missed out on some premium meals!”

“Yeah you did. But there’s always a spot in the to-go line for you. Or, hell, even in the regular line. I’d get to see more of you that way,” he smiled. Was he flirting? He honestly didn’t know.

“Oh, yes, I’d love that! I quite enjoy seeing your face, too, you know!” Jake smiled back at him. And he was definitely flirting. “In fact, before you go, could you please turn on your camera? I never did get to see you.”

Dirk blushed a bit, though it was hardly noticeable against his post-cum flush.

“Only if you do too, man,” he said, if only to buy himself time as he got up to walk half naked to his bathroom to grab a washcloth. Or a towel, if you’re a one of those fans.

“Ah, fine, if you insist,” he heard Jake chuckle as Dirk was wetting the rag. “Let me open the call on my husktop quickly… let’s see here…”

In the amount of time it took for Jake to boot up his computer and connect the call to it, Dirk had cooled himself down enough to look presentable. He quickly walked back to his bedroom and put his glasses back on before he turned on his phone camera, angling it upwards a bit to a) make himself look cooler and b) hide the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants.

“Oh, Dirk! Looking gorgeous as ever, I see!” Jake said when he finally noticed.

“Yeah man, looking and feeling like fifty bucks.” He couldn’t hide the small grin on his face.

“Well here, one moment… and- there we go! Camera is on- oh!”

Jake must’ve only then realized how much his stomach was pushing out.

It was quite a sight, really, his face and shirt coated in crumbs and grease as his shirt rode up on his stomach, unable to hide the massive excess he had indulged in.

Dirk’s eyebrows raised and he quickly took a screenshot before Jake could fix this.

“You’re looking good too, man,” Dirk said, hoping it came off as another joke, thoigh he couldn’t hide how impressed he was. “Reeaall good.”

Jake pushed his computer screen up so the camera wasn’t on his stomach anymore, only really capturing his upper chest, face and ceiling now. He then made an attempt to pull his shirt back over his stomach.

“Oh stop, haha,” he said, blushing a bit. “Sorry you had to see that!”

“No no, it’s cool,” Dirk smiled. “I do gotta get goin’ though, much as I love staring at you,” he chuckled.

“Aw alright, so soon? I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Jake asked, looking hopeful.

“Yeah man. I’m not missing school if you’re there.”

Jake grinned. “Sweet! Fistbump for good luck!”

Dirk chuckled and raised a fist to the screen and the two fistbumped, Jake then pulling back and imitating an explosion.

“See ya, man,” Dirk smiled.

“Goodbyeee!!” Jake replied, and the screen went dark as he hung up.

Dirk quickly swiped up to his photo gallery, pulling up the screenshot he had just taken.

Now he had jack-off material for at least two months.

[mifhortunach]

2023 'overview'

The standard end of year post of course!

This year has both breezed by and felt absolutely endless, personally at least, and i feel like i accomplished nothing(!), but still, here's a round up of some stuff i enjoyed!?

MOVIES: as ever as always! I'm writing this a bit in advance, but i've deffo seen less movies this year than i did last year, tho i believe that i did manage to get out to the cinema way more than usual (tho, tbh, most often on my lonesome i think). I think i've felt the most divided on them this year; i liked a lot of stuff very VERY much! i also have felt so SO bored with a lot more things. i think i talked about having like. a matrix moment last year, nothing like that this year, tho a lot more of being like, 'well yeah, of course', or finally being able to recognise what a shot is, lol. Regardless, here are the movies i probably loved the most this year:

aftersun: all i talked about jan thru feb, need to watch it again. it looks great, its both fun & heartbreaking, and you KNOW i love the found footage side of it all - especially when it addresses that even when you have footage of 'objective reality' you just really cant know it all operation avalanche: as w aftersun, this shit gets at like ALL my interests! OpAv isn't a perfect movie, and i think the more u know about the production/etc the more obvious that becomes [i genuinely WOULD love to see/know more about the version that really did have the mole/romance plotline integrated, but lbr, that doesnt really exist]. ANYWAY!! i do think this is such an exciting film to watch, especially the movie making sequences, and i think the feeling of it all comes across so truly iygm. also, obvs, bc i love conspiracies unfortch the dirties: im sorry there's so much MJ on this list, short tho it is! but hey, these really took over my life for a month there lol. i still havent listened to the commentary w the real film critic, but i truly find this to be an airtight movie, the found footage stuff is so well integrated, justifying everything while also calling all intent/'reality' into question.. i do think someone could spend forever with it - its also funny & miserable! what more could u want (watch my fancam please) my house walkthrough: i genuinely just really like this!! ive said it before, but i genuinely just find it such an exciting watch, the bts just makes it so much cooler - what's sicker than repetition Hon Noms: la confidential: heat walked so this could run ! thirst: so much fun, i love vampire lovers who hate each other beau is afraid: too long, but i really liked most of this, v funny black tower: great example of doing smth so cool w very little

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

books:

francis spufford, new sun series, chandler, mauretania

PODCASTS:

sfultra!!!: sean L@TDF finally returns to talk about sci-fi books! sean is one of the few critics i'll always keep up with even when i dont agree w him, & this show has been a real treat all this year - the patreon stuff is great as well - its introduced me to a lot of new stuff & crit, and its been good to hear from him again. if u listen to any of these, listen to this shelved by genre: really good, tho often we have different interests - got me to read a fair few more books this year! im not a games guy, and im mad behind on fatt, so its super nice to get to hear some austin biweekly anyway, lol. twioat (as ever): i was a bit trepidatious about this season starting off, but it's been so much fun, the fellas really knocked it out of the park. i loved hearing from some guests that we havent heard from in ages. this season on AJLT was also fuckin amazing, truly & really adored their coverage; possibly highlight of my summer?? toxic podcast: i almost certainly shouted this out last year, but it was nice to have this around again in the top half of the year!! ale has a letterboxd now & its fun to get to see just how many truly atrocious horror movies he does watch all the time. a true connoisseur

------------------------

pick’n’mix:

ntbts: its a such good show!! i've watched more tv than usual this year, but i love how this is done on almost every level. i apologised before for having so much MJ on this list & i stand by that!, but i do think that one of the best (practical) traits in his work is making difficult stuff look not only easy, but genuinely both fun & achievable. whens the movie going to drop??? (lol) getting into shirts: this genuinely was more of an accidental year long thing, starting w the ones i printed for lizzie back in jan/feb, but its been fun! finally got back some screenprinting experience, and i think u can really see some amping up of ambition & basic skill/practice. i do wanna do more in the new year, but am trying to engage with actual intended outcomes (and lbr, the storage issue lol), so we'll see

the sopranos!!: sometimes they really were right about good tv being good, who knew! so much funnier, weirder & depressing than i wouldve expected- honestly undersung at this point. also, it introduced me to a tonne of music lol

the blackberry soundtrack: unfortch i continue to be kinda mixed on the film, as much as i think on a technical level it's so super cool & well-made. i do really like the soundtrack tho!! i'm kinda iffy on some of its application in the actual film, but im a hater, so what can u do lol. the actual thing DOES rip tho

==========

this whole thing makes it look like i got a lot more done this year than i feel like i did lol. i feel like i had plans up the top but they really all came out in the wash//

i read an okay amount of books, but failed to get thru any piles

i watched more tv than usual this year, and saw id say, a midtier amount of movies, but way more new movies than usual

i moved for a bit! then moved back & got a worse job lol

there was a lot of work i didnt get finished.. i have stuff ive been meaning to edition since this time last year that i still havent gone back to.. that said, i think i did get some stuff done, finally actually did some stone litho(!!!!) & had some stuff up in a show or two

who knows,,, maybe ill finally get my shit together & 2024 could be my year - people say good things about being 26 right??? 😭😭😭

[kibblemaniac]

important kind of

hi guys! a couple of days(?) ago i posted this wipV

im actually almost done with the sketch, i just need to draw frank and julie and ill be done!

ill definitely be polishing this bad boy but as for posting it publicly.. I think ill wait until clown is back from his break. I've got 2 reasons why.

1 clown seems very stressed right now and whatever kind of attraction to welcome home i could cause could stress them out more! dont wanna kick them while theyre down, yknow?

2 i just.. kind of want clown to see the finished product? thats definitely wishful thinking on my part, but i really do want him to see how much i enjoy his project and how much fun i have drawing his characters. i dont think theyd be able to see it until after they come back

ill still be posting small doodles here and there, but bigger stuff like this will be private until then. (or at least just not posted here online) im not sure if ill wait until clowns back to continue writing my fic (this one https://www.wattpad.com/story/338828243-there%27s-a-human-in-the-neighborhood-i-apologize tumblr mobile wont let me do the link word thingy) i enjoy writing it and it looks like its gained a small following on wattpad, so im still deciding on that. i just hope the people who enjoy that fic enjoy the writing for raw!fruit.

speaking of raw!fruit, while im still bummed out about losing a lot of my files, ill be attempting to redraw those two lost pages this weekend, as i think ive regained enough muscle memory. i think ill get a usb drive for raw fruit specifically, just depends how busy ill be this weekend.

well, that's all for now i think. just some general art updates (mostly about welcome home tho)

[remi-harbinger]

ok heres the first part of the list, theyre mostly game/system based novels and xianxia ish+ my thoughts (for some)!! ill add more when i rememebr them

Supernatural Movie Actor App

This was quite literally the novel that got me hooked on bl novels,, after this there was no going back urghghhg no one gets this like me i love it so much i have a spiritual connection to this novel if you dont read any other novel in the list at least give this one a try the author is such a genius and i love the MC so much!!!1 worldbuilding in this is actually delicious

I Became A God in a Horror Game

ohhhh this was soooooo scrumptious... the characters are the best part of this story, every single one of them are complicated and the author doesn't just forget about them halfway like some of the other stories ive read, and the plot twists and plotting makes this novel one of the best + i love the rose perfume arc

After the Disabled God of War Became My Concubine

Rebirth of the Wolfish Silkpants Bottom

I giggled reading this novel so

I Can Do It

STRONGLY RECOMMEND AHHHHH I wish Soft were real id be a mother fan,,, the reviews of this novel are a little low because readers are upset about the korean arc but I think that every novel will have their villains and in this case bc its world championships theres going to have to be an opposing country? I didnt really see it tbh. Its a really good novel so don't get put off by the comments !!!

Your Memes Are Better Looking Than You

PUBG Online Romance of the Century

The E-Sports Circle’s Toxic Assembly Camp

Path of the Cannon Fodder's Counterattack

The Counterattack Plan of A Villain With Ten Thousand Fans

This one has strong themes of cannibalism bc the MC has this urge because of his backstory (I cant reveal any more than this) but I think its a good novel,, there is adopted son-father things though but skipping that arc doesnt rly impact the story

Misplacement Game

Bursting After He Transmigrated into the Cannon Fodder Omega

I don't really read ABO bc I don't like the dynamics it introduces but this one was almost completely mary sue + i love mary sue novels

Transmigrated into a School Idol and Forced to Do Business

Mr. Melancholy Wants to Live a Peaceful Life

special note: i love the translator so so much E Danglars if ur out there thank you so much one of the best translations

The Obsessive Shou Moves On

Okay so this one is TRUE toxic yaoi so if you cant take it dont read it + the jealousy on both sides can get a little annoying, dont be worried about the low rating bc we all know im the true yaoi enjoyer so my word is law

Lord Seventh

This one is genuinely so good but I didn't like the ending because it felt a little abrupt and some other stuff that i posted about before

After a Flash Marriage With the Disabled Tyrant

Saving the Tragic Adonis

This Omega is Sweet and Wild

The Slag Gong wants to Kill me

This one has a writing style different from usual novels but was translated well and the revenge was satisfying

Yep that's all for now ill post more soon if this one gets enough notes (same SOP)

if uve read abt these like,, dm me or something im going crazy

edit: idk where normally tagging people goes so the people who wanted to be tagged ur tagged here <3 @kanonavi @sentientcanvas @liverbiver9 @memorymural @ladyrunestone

@fishfilletinacan @bunnyanonn man i hope this works

okay no hate to the mega popular bl novels like svsss and mdzs but there are so many smaller ones that are just as good if not even better (in my humble opinion dont come for me), and their fandoms are so small there isnt even any fanfics about them on ao3,, so im left with all these feelings and no people that can relate... ill make a list of novel recs if this post gets enough notes

[jupitercl0uds]

ive just been reminded of stuff oh no

if youve read most of my posts since like mid august, maybe september onwards, youll know that i am STRUGGLING rn. while its been all over the place, having highs and lows, i seriously havent been this bad since 2020/21. i know the reasonable thing to do is take a break, but i cant do that because i have pitiful impulse control atm. that being said, the only thing to really stop me is to deactivate. my main blog's been going for years now, so i dont want to lose everything, though i also get the urge to occasionally.

the issue is, the only times i actually feel almost fully comfortable in a social circle is on tumblr and even then im still scared and awkward. my school friends keep saying really hurtful stuff and while a lot of it is just as a joke, theres almost no time to be serious with them. ive tried. i weakly asked them to stop calling everything retarded more months before finally putting my foot down and demanding, although it took a month of 'retard! whoops, i shouldnt say that' before they just went straight back to it.

my family loves me but i dont like it here. i dont think i even can get into it because its complicated. just know ive seen and HEARD a lot over my short life and its finally starting to catch up to me.

as for the other kids in my school, im in an awkward spot. im honestly fairly 'normal', just with slight outbursts from time to time, but ive always been weird so i always will be. oh, year 9 me, how naïve you were. they don't care if you have an autism diagnosis, if you mask or not, you will NEVER be normal, you will NEVER be accepted and they dont care if theres a reason. if anything, that makes it worse.

im only ever happy when im on tumblr or doing something sonic related. on tumblr, im insecure that nobody really likes me or someone's going to manipulate me, with no amount of reassuring being enough to change that. and as youve already seen me say, sonic is 'too childish', no matter how heavy the themes can be.

this always happens. pre-2020, i didnt really use social media much and i was 11 oldest, so my main escape was roblox/youtube. in 2020-22, i was only happy when chatting to friends on discord. that was ruined when we all started to argue and drift apart. in 2022-23, it was tiktok. this was then ruined when popular kids found my silly waluigi tiktoks and started sharing them around. i havent used tiktok since june and i havent posted a public video since may.

but then, last year, i remembered i had a tumblr account. i started to use it more. and then, when sonic got involved and suddenly i was becoming friends with people, i started to feel my absolute happiest. i was euphoric.

until, of course, my brain struck.

if my birthday werent at the end of august, i think i would be much worse than i currently am, because at least i had a short break to be happy. school was off to a bad start from the very beginning. i didnt sleep the night before my first day, nor did i sleep before the second. what's worse, mum didn't let me stop working at the charity shop i had THOUGHT was for the summer, because, you know, i dont have anything on my plate, im able to just have a designated day of the week where i have to be productive. nope! ive had my days off, but ive still had work every week. is it hard? no! do i have the spoons to go most weeks? also no!

thats not to mention exams. ive always been a well performing student and will be surprised if i fail even 1 gcse, but im not the top of any of my classes, not even the ones im passionate about. no, i dont have to be, i know, but when you grow up as a kid who often IS the top of their year in something, the moment you aren't, you feel like a failure. even if i get all 9s and a d* in drama, there'll be someone who gets more than me in something, and i know i definitely wont get all 9s and a d* in drama. i was proud for a moment, for being top of english, until i found out a girl ive known since primary got a 9 in an english language mock. english language. my favourite english and the subject im best at. needless to say, i was miserable. i barely even slept across the course of my mocks and wont be surprised if i do the same for my gcses.

i sometimes wonder if im just not built for the world, which could honestly be the case. because i have low support needs and my biggest problems are sensory issues (which can be easy to prevent) and social problems, i forget im even allowed to be disabled by autism. but i think that honestly might just be the case.

ive always wanted to be a teacher or an animator, hopefully both, but im starting to wonder if i can do either. animator has such a big workload. teacher also has a big workload, but i know because my family is full of teachers and artists that it's the kind of workload i can manage. but the kids? could i control the kids? could they even take an autistic, nonbinary teacher seriously? again, i dont have high support needs, but its hard not to notice im autistic. of course, if everything goes to plan, i would probably start teaching in the 2030s earliest, 2050s latest, so the world will have changed, but how much?

i get most of these are problems out of my control, but i suppose im just scared and tired of living. that's why i make a million posts a minute: i cant get a word in edgeways with anyone else. that's why i get so apologetic: id get ridiculed for trying otherwise. i get that im annoying and boring. i should know. when i was 3, my dad infodumped about back to the future to me for about half an hour and it was such a tiring experience that it still gets brought up. so i get it, it's annoying when all i care to talk about is sonic. but its the one thing i can care about right now. the world is in ruin and i hate being alive. i dont even have enough motivation to act upon any occasional suicidal/self harming thoughts.

but life goes on and there's no way to stop it.

[faintlyof]

drifted off and had the most interesting dream...

not new, but a newer one

i almost made it to the ending just now...or at least where it seems like it should end, i don't know, maybe there's more...

i wish i could remember the premise and not just the endingest part

me and a partner were...protecting grandma and grandpa, but we were also...doing this we needed to hide from them? you know like when shit hits the fan, they pretend everythings going fine? liek when talking on the phone or something? i don't remember like anything, but there was cool risky stuff and i remember kicking something?

but there was like...a big i dont know almost mass extinction event happening? the outside world was grim and people were pulling party cracker like instant explosion things to escape. like instantly vaporized with minimum bloodshed

whatever we had been trying to do, we couldn't so we and the granparents decided we should also just end things on our terms. we decided to go out dancing (like cheek to cheek, waltzing or something), so we danced

but before we could die (i dont remember how that was supposed to happen but it was supposed to be painless), a random nurse who appeared said gramma wouldnt be able to because she had big black abscesses in her legs and wouldnt be able to keep dancing (??? my brain just tossing out whatever, i guess)

and grandpa also wasnt doing well, he couldnt breathe (i think i was waking up here, because it got really chaotic really fast and continuity was totally lost)

so we quickly said our goodbyes and comforted him while he slowly slumped over, saying thank you. so we moved on to getting grandma to the bed, awkwardly pushing her wheelchair down the hall. we managed to get her on the bed and she eventually passed as well.

my partner (i dont think we were romantically involved, but we were acting sort of like spies?? so?? what relationship???) and i decided to end it quickly by

and then i woke up. ツ

like come on i was so close to knowing the ending.

i think this is maybe the second time ive seen this one.

not all of my dreams become recurring dreams, but this one might.

its not a happy dream, but they never are, i guess.

i want to know what happens next. if it was some kind of mass extinction event, why were we prolonging it and what were my partner and i doing the whole time? who was that random nurse who popped it at the end, did we know her from earlier? what was the dancing plan?? how would that have worked??

i tried to fall back into the dream, but i couldn't ><

anyways, yeah im going to bed it's 3:45 am now

[lostacelonnie]

Thank you! I kinda just. Realized i pay for all my own stuff & have for years so whats stopping me y'know. Oh we love to hear about the fall of far right leadership i hope that turns out well & you can get your eventual hrt as well. Oh yeah i never wear swimsuits to the beach typically. Always been with people i dont like or too many strangers for my liking. But i like to find seashells & stuff. Oh? English is such a weird language having a partner to learn from who's fluent is like. Required almost. So im glad you had one. I appreciate when people are chill as long as you try its nice & leaves room for mistakes that'll happen inevitably. Got confused for a moment & the concept of having a birthname you dont have listed in your bio lost me like. What do ya mean you had any different name what. Both mine are easy so i dont have that as a first name problem. Where is tromso? I wish you luck in that fall/winter trips are so nice. I especially love to go camping in them because less people so more space. Oh she just gets all the counters wow. Gonna have to focus on her a bit for sure. I dont know if i have enough for guaranteed kafka but i will probably try. Just to see what happens. If nothing else i hope bronya or welt come home for you. Fontaine is one of the regions im most interested in so ill stick through for it but i might squeeze a break in towards natlan honestly. Chasm was. A pain anyways i do not blame you for skipping it honestly. Thats an average day in warsaw? Wild. Ohhh that sounds like it was a blast please pass belated birthday wishes to avery for me. Hair dye is such a fun thing to do congrats on the red! I wanna dye mine again soon. Eyeliner is a thing i wanna teach myself to do too ive just been. Forgetting a lot

yeah thats very understandable!!! and thank you!! after a long time i finally feel at least a little hopeful ab this countrys future but well see. yeah i have the exact same thing but at the same time drying a lot of clothes is Annoying [esp on camps since thats the main place i actually go into the water on] so i often just put regular clothes over a swimsuit. win-win situation. seashells ARE fun to find but i always forget to bring sth to carry them sjdjflksjf plus its pretty hard to find actually nice ones, over here at least. YEAH god plus the way english is taught in polish schools does NOT help so honestly if i didnt have additional lessons i probably wouldnt have learned anything despite studying for a looooong time. and yeah its that way with almost anything isnt it. AH I DO THAT EXACT THING SO OFTEN i genuinely forget that people Have birthnames. or even names in general i just treat usernames as first names a lot of the time. tromso is the place in norway i was in!! pretty far up north but very charming. thank you!! ahhh i almost never go camping but perhaps One Day..... yeah clara has been my best friend ever since i got her. shes so fun to use. thankies and good luck to both of us!!! already got 106 pulls ready + the 9 more from the login event + 20 days left to grind so while i defo wont get enough for guarantee i think it might be possible for me to get her. honestly the region im most excited for is snezhnaya and thats gonna be the last one released iirc so. still a while until that happens. but at least when/if i come back im gonna have a lot of stuff to check out so thats fun. i unfortunately suffer from having to see everything thats new Immediately so i often speedrun new versions in 3 days and them im like....... What Now........ until the next update and then the cycle repeats. ah i should play more games that arent released this way. but yeah while the chasm was quite pretty imo and the story was. well. it wasnt STUNNING but it was fun. but the exploration aspect SUCKED good lord i hated how i could never quite tell if im in the region displayed on the map or below it. agh. glad thats over. and well yknow how it is with big cities, at least i live in a fairly peaceful part so we dont really have big stuff like that often. i will!! and thanks!! i agree hair dye IS very fun but unfortunately my hair texture makes it really hard for dye to stick so it washes off quickly :'] but alas. and yeah fair jdjfklg i have the same thing PLUS. its annoying i can never get it even

[walking-loather]

LONG ramble ahead. Feel free to skip. (Also this stuff is probably a bit too personal but i dont really care tumblr is my diary and i just have to get these thoughts out)

I had my first almost completely pain free day today and... It was fucking magical. Like, I still had pain in all of the niggling areas i always do: muscle tension, joint pain.

But my nerve pain. My nerve pain! For a good while it just wasnt there. And because the pain wasnt there, the FND couldnt kick up a fuss. I felt strong. I could stand. I wasnt hurting.

When i woke up after my surgery nearly a decade ago, i was in the worst pain of my life. I was writhing and screaming and begging to die. 10 out of 10 out of 10. And over the course of my hospital stay it diminished. Went from 10 to 9 to 8. And then 8 is where it stayed. It became my new normal.

I forced my way through the first year of recovery waiting for it to get better... But it never did.

I tried to push through and not let anything hold me back. I dont know how many times i sobbed to myself quietly about how unbearable it was. I tried to take my life twice, and the pain was a significant reason why.

Eventually i got on meds that knocked it down to a 7, and a 7 is where ive been for the last 5 years. Every day.

Eventually i just kinda resigned myself to it. I couldnt think about the future because whenever i did, all i could feel was: "every moment of the rest of my life is going to feel like this". I accepted it, and i tried to move on. I found someone that i loved enough to stick around for. Someone who made living with the pain worth it.

And now, with this new cocktail of drugs... That burning pain is gone. Or at least, its no longer an electric, burning, blistering, grinding pain. Its tempered to what feels like a candle flame. And for a few rare moments here or there it goes away.

I dont know what to do with that. All of my other pain pales in comparison. They're their own little burning pains, but it doesn't feel like it matters. i can live with them.

And im finally hopeful about my future. Because for a few minutes last week i felt nothing. Blissful nothing. I was so shocked i couldnt even believe it.

When the pain came back i didnt even care or feel cheated, because all ive wanted for so long was just a few seconds pain free, and i got it. I didnt have to be drugged out of my mind (well ... Excluding the cocktail of drugs i was on). I just was. And when it was gone i wasnt upset because i knew if it could happen once, it could happen again. and i had a reason to be excited for my future; my long term future.

Im not just sticking around for other people anymore. Im sticking around for myself too. Because i deserve another five minutes without pain.

(sidenote: do i feel insanely guilty about having a break from my pain; and that its not fair; and that other people deserve it more than me; and that i shouldnt talk about it because its just rubbing it in everyones faces; and that i must have just been exaggerating the pain; and i dont deserve to even call myself disabled anymore; and that im scum; and that i should instead continue to suffer in pain because its all i know, and i dont know how to be myself without pain because its become such an integral part of who i am; and because its who ive been for near as makes no difference a decade; and that im just waiting for the other shoe to drop and somehow prove that im a fraud; and that the pain i had was never real, nor is the pain i have that the meds havent affected; and that im lying about everything; and that I dont deserve help; and that everyone in my life who has pain and hears me talk about this hates me, resents me; and that im terrified of losing the pain because it knows me intimately, and i know it, and that this severing is making me question who i am; and that the answer im getting in my head is: no one; you are no one without this.... Yeah, maybe. Maybe i am thinking that)