#well. i guess those are the repercussions of love and living life

[teabutmakeitazure]

people want a partner who's good at math because they don't want to have to solve their kid's math homework with them. I want a guy who's a good programmer because there is no way I'm helping my kid debug or write any form of code. esp cpp. I love you cpp but you confuse me beyond my limited understanding of humanity and I still don't understand how to use linked lists without wanting to kms

[gildeddlily]

season 2 started off beautifully. I was ecstatic at the end of episode three, for the simple reason that it had the same spirit as season 1. Vi feeling like she made a mistake so big trying to reach Powder instead of seeing Jinx and the danger she represented that the only way to fix that for her was to join her oppressors. Caitlyn destroying all the progress she'd made, unlearning what she'd been taught about Zaun by being with zaunites like Vi, the moment one of them killed her mother, and embracing her roots we can say, talking of bad blood and "I thought you were different"- showing that the internalised racism was always there ready to resurface the moment it had an excuse to. Caitlyn saying that her mother being killed by a teenager who's never dealt with her trauma and mental illness is the same thing as Vi's parents being killed by members of a military institution, disregarding everything she knew about the pain and abuse Vi went through because of the Enforcers. a "men get abused too" situation, in which one ignores the social and historical background of that type of violence to feel less sorry about it. they were perfectly well written, because they are things we see everyday. my father taught me as a child that black people crossing the Mediterranean to look for work in Italy were a good thing, and now that he's had problems at work with one he's started saying the opposite. a gay man I knew laughed at trans folks and said they made things worse for us, ridiculing them in the company of straight people to feel less threatened. (not the exact same thing as what happened to Vi, but you get what I mean).

those are real things, and Arcane has always been good at showing real things.

later on, episode seven, Jayce fell down. he landed in the deepest hole of Zaun, broke his leg, was forced to wear a brace to walk, suffered and had to claw his way back to the surface, to Piltover, in a strange metaphor of Viktor's journey and life (saw a post talking even more beautifully about this, will put the link here if I find it again), and once he met Viktor again, he told him his illness, his legs, he, were beautiful. not despite everything. because of it. and now he can understand him a little more. now he says "your imperfections are beautiful" and we can believe him, because he's not speaking from the perspective of a man trying to convince his friend to stop harming others. he's a man trying to make his partner see that he still loves him, now that he's finally understood him after years of trying to reach the truth and always being stopped by something, and that he understands him enough to know why he's harming others, and that he cares for him enough to think that he will be able to understand why it's wrong. it's Viktor accepting the inevitability of being seen by someone who went to hell and back to reach him.

those were fucking beautiful arcs. they were.

and then?

Vi saw Caitlyn become what she'd always said she wouldn't become, and there were no repercussions. Catelyn got to walk away and live all the same. she lost an eye to Ambessa, but it was no punishment for what she'd done. how many people did she harm? how many people did her actions have repercussions on? Vi shouted at her once, and then it was like it had never happened- which is still real, I guess. it happens everyday. but I didn't see any wish to make us see how that was wrong. I don't want to be told "this is wrong", I'm old enough and smart enough to understand this, but I also think I can see the difference between trying to show deeper meanings and not wanting to deal with difficult plot lines.

and Zaun? it was sad. pathetic. years of abuse were what, forgotten and then vanished in thin air because there was a common enemy? that, sadly, isn't real. it isn't. years or oppression can't be forgotten so easily, not by the oppressed, for one "glorious" fight. it's lazy. what started as a good depiction of reality turned into an american wet dream of big fights and sad sacrifice scenes and epic love stories that cross any difficulty, and economic and social difference. don't you dare say something against Caitlyn and Vi's ending, they went through all that, they deserve nice things. they do. many other people did. no one cared about them tho.

so.

epic failure. good soundtracks tho.

[goatlingsvent]

Hey, Demi here. I've known about this place for a little thanks to a different user and have avoided touching this place, but since I've been banned, I don't care anymore.

I don't know why or how, but I was banned for having an alt. which I don't have nor never had. I literally got up for a few minutes to look for my earbuds, only to come back to me banned. Considering staff has refused to answer my friends requests for them to email me or answer my emails asking for proof about this supposed "alt account", I'm afraid I'll never get my goats back.

So, at this point, I'm assuming this is a misunderstanding, or I've been framed. So congrats! Billions of ss worth of items are now gone to the void. Better make my lost DOTD count 21 because staff won't even fucking talk to me.

I haven't even been playing that much as of late, not as much as I used to. I was excited to have my IRL friends be able to join MM, but I guess they're doing it without me! And the prize goat for the giveaway? Say goodbye to them and all the retired shit they had because I was trying to help someone else get back into their account so they could donate. Oops, it looks like no one gets any of it!

Perhaps this is good for me. Even though I had refrained from spending money on Goatlings (I did the math and spent well over $4,000 in this goat forsaken site alone), this is now one less avenue for me to relapsePlaying, even if it may sound stupid, literally had negative physical repercussions on my heart and the way my brain makes adrenaline. I can't be excited for shit now without the adrenaline causing severe anxiety instead. So maybe this is good. I already regretted spending the money and regret it even more now!

To the people who hated me because I was annoying or some shit, you could have just, you know, talked to me about it? I'm not a mind reader, I'm a guy with autism and a potential learning disability, learn to fucking communicate with people omg... Alot of your petty beef would be less abundant if you nicely talked it over with people. Why haven't I done that? Because I never felt like a personal problem with anyone! I didn't let little things take over my mind like a brain fungus that makes you stupid.

I may never get my account back. And hopefully, the anxiety and stress of it all will soon subside. Goatlings is becoming more of a hell hole, and I suggest you all quit before you lose it all, or it consumes you. You all sound so miserable... I wish I could help, but I already got my hands full with 3 little brothers and my mentally ill self. If I could buy the site from Kris, I would, and as much as some of you hate me, at least I would listen to your concerns about the site itself.

This may be long as hell, but I care or at least cared for the Goatlings community. Even to those who hate me. If I can't work this out with staff, I'll be here on Tumblr and on Flight Rising. You're lucky I didn't get my hands on the Sweet Nightmares I was gonna get from a buddy soon.

Quit while you still have control. This site isn't worth your well-being.

To long don't care: Demi got banned for having an alt he never made, and staff (so far) won't answer his stupid ass emails. Billions of ss lost.

Live life, love yourself, fuck cops 🥳🎉

🌐

[aihoshiino]

any thoughts on aqua’s decision to reveal themselves as ai’s kids, specifically aqua’s ‘ai is dead and this should be used for the benefit of the living’ vs ruby’s ‘you’re betraying her / you don’t care about her anymore’

I always thought this was a super interesting angle for the twins to conflict on and tbh, I kind of wish it hadn't gotten thrown to the side once the past life reveal happened…a big issue I have with how that was handled is how it basically got used to hit a reset button on both Ruby's ongoing arc and the conflict she & Aqua were having and put them back to the status quo. In general, I feel like Aqua and Ruby outing themselves as Ai's kids ended up being a really nothing reveal given there has been absolutely zero focus on the repercussions outside of the immediate aftermath BUT THAT'S A RANT FOR ANOTHER ASK…

Anyway, the reason I liked it so much as conflict because it wasn't simply a black and white issue. Ruby is absolutely not wrong to be aghast and appalled at Aqua blasting this information out into the world - not only is he tarnishing Ai's reputation in doing so but he's making Ruby complicit as well, without her informed consent. Ruby doesn't bring this up during their argument but this has also tossed Ruby right into the fray and forced her to deal with the media shitstorm that will inevitably get stirred up by this news breaking.

Not only that but Aqua goes out of his way to be about as callous about this as possible. He refuses to explain his reasoning or meet Ruby in the middle, emotionally speaking, and pretty clearly allows her to project the worst possible bad faith intentions on him. Even so… it's hard to not also see his POV. They were fully stuck between a rock and a hard place and it came down to saving Kana (who Aqua is historically NOT!!! particularly reasonable about when it comes to her wellbeing) or preserving Ai's image and… well, only one of those people is still around to be hurt.

It's horrible, don't get me wrong! It's another example of Ai being sacrificed, bought and sold and traded to have the value wrung out of her, even in death. Once again, she is the 'invincible' idol, not just because of her public image but because she is literally dead and beyond help or harm. Aqua was forced to make a hard call and chose to make one that, in his eyes, did the most amount of good and the least amount of harm. It was definitely still a shit call but sometimes you don't have the luxury of making good choices: just deciding which one is the least Actively Bad.

A really important factor of this conversation that I think gets left at the wayside sometimes is also that Aqua is very purposely trying to break Ruby away from him here. The argument even ends on the most explicitly stated expression of Aqua's suicidal ideation since volume one — that he wants to make sure Ruby can keep living even when he's gone. Aqua's plan necessitates him ending his life, directly or indirectly, and that means pushing away the people who love him and who he loves in turn. This is why Tsukuyomi calls out his revealing himself as Gorou to Ruby as a 'bad move' — it temporarily got her back on her feet, sure, but it also means that once Aqua is gone, she'll crash even harder.

So the tl;dr I guess is that I like it in theory and I wish it would've been expanded on more. It didn't pay off quite as interestingly as I would've hoped but that's an issue I have with OnK as a whole at this point.

[kachimera]

1, 4, 13, 24 (choose your fave <3)

*sigh* i've been meaning to be more varied with my fandom posts but. Yea castlevania again sorry not sorry

1) OTP?:

Maleon and Saraleon. Idk what can i say that i haven't said already? The pure love and affection, the devotion, the betrayal. My mans Leon got the best gf and the worst bf of all time and the repercussions of their fallout lasted almost a thousand years, iconic. Runner up is Celiakado bc love my toxic manipulative bastards duo. Daddy issues x cringefail girl <3

4) Is there a popular pairing you dont necessarily dislike but aren't too invested in?:

Again, Richtercard. Neat ship, can get it, but not my thing. Idk what other popular ships i could talk abt bc small fandom. Im pretty 👍 abt most of them i guess

13) What's a character or ship you haven't written/drawn yet but would like to someday?:

Ohhh so many. I have a dumped Leonx Isaac wip fic that i'd like to pic back up, and also some Sara x Julia ideas. And well, if i started listing all the ships i'd like to draw i'd never finish, but you kno stuff like belshine, shalaura, hevor, etc. In terms of characters, i wanna do some doodles with the wygol villagers living their lives, and draw the Lecarde twins or Yoko bc oh man the underrated witches of all time. And this is not going into my cv64/LoD comic n fic ideas (help).

24) What's your favourite thing abt [character]?:

You know let's go with Isaac this time. I like... the tragedy his choices lead him to. He keeps getting rejected and hated and losing and the ways he reacts are both understandable (as in, yea i get why he'd do that) and also the absolute worst you could do (both for himself and everyone around him, he's one awful bastard). And, since he is so intrinsically tied to Hector, i like how he is his dark reflection, how he shows what Hector could have been if instead of prioritizing his right to live as a human, he had grabbed all that willpower and instead used it to reduce and dehumanize himself for the sake of love and acceptance. It's like, Isaac is strong, smart, stubborn and determined yet he can't use those qualities for his own good or to help others but to spread misery and make himself worse in the process. He really became Dracula's weapon, at the cost of his own life. I am feeling normal abt him (gonna run him over with a bulldozer <3)

[asmallmoon333]

Hi!!! Just wanted to pop in and say that I love Time Speaks so much and really admire the effort and thought you put into every chapter. If you don’t mind me asking, how do you go about writing and planning? Every chapter is just so well organized and the caliber of writing, plot creation and character study is just amazing, you are an extremely talented writer 💜 💜💜

I'm so sorry it took me so long to answer this. Honestly, I wasn't really sure what to say, you asked my Achilles heel :'D

First of all, thank you for loving my writing <3 It makes me happy to write, and happy when people enjoy it!

So here's what took so long lol: describing my writing process. So, the process itself is more like a domino effect than a plan. Or maybe like a growing seed. I know the main "what is going on here" of the world, so I can stay within those boundaries, but the plot itself develops mostly as a series of consequences. Each lifetime has a theme that I have a vague idea of where it's going, but I don't plan chapters out in detail, I don't plan lifetimes out in detail, nor did I plan all the lifetimes in advance. I usually only know as far as what the next life will be like. I also always knew the ending, but there were a thousand paths I could have taken to reach it, because its an ending that is inevitable simply due to who L and Light and everyone else is.

Now, when it comes to the details or character interactions/development, those usually just develop while I'm writing. I sometimes joke in my notes that 'Lawlight made me do it' or 'they wanted to go this way' and I'm partly serious about it. Usually the conversation just flows and interactions just happen as a consequence of them as people. They, to put it honestly, write themselves. One character says something, and the other responds in the way 'they' would respond, and this happens in a world where every action and reaction is a result of multiple character motivations. My plot is not so much planned (outside of the Big Things like where they are and why the loops happen) as it is just growing with and around L and Light.

Basically, in my writing, I follow the 'rules' of the world (unmovable rules, like gravity's existence) and also the 'rules' of each character's personality (Like Light is petty if he can get away with it). We got through ten lives because of who L, Light, and everyone else are as people, instead of who I planned them to be and to become. And we got to our current point because it's what they chose to do. And yes I often know the choice they made and the repercussions of it chapters in advance, so it feels planned, but it's really just.... half-planned I guess? Sorry lol I'm making no sense.

It all feels like a cohesive whole because this was just where they were always going to end up, simply due to them as people + the basic rules of the world I created. It feels like it was planned I suppose cause it was a slow, gradual, and organic change of them as people. L and Light are reacting to the world rather than being led by a plot.

So at its core Time Speaks is the story of "L and Light are in a time loop, and this is how they'd react to that." And then combine that with "This time loop exists because of this reason, and this is how other characters react to that."

The story is just me doing my best to write the motivations and consequences of a whole bunch of characters' choices, again and again and again. And the hardest part is keeping the details straight in my head, while trying not to force the plot to go a certain way. I'm actually quite flexible as a writer and something massive changes happen in the moment cause it feels more organic to go that way instead of following my vague, preconceived notion of where it was going. (This has made me sad sometimes cause I've wanted to write a whole bunch of scenes that never saw the light of day cause they simply didn't work anymore.) Instead, of forcing the plot to go as I believe it should or sometimes even as I want it to, the characters have to be the ones to choose. (Cause I personally would have taken the loop as a happy thing, an eternal playground, and not bothered at all to investigate why it was happening; I would not have cared lmao. L and Light are different.)

My writing at its core is, I suppose, respecting the characters' choices. (And keeping all those choices in mind, cause the details are sometimes so complicated :'D )

So, yup, here's my incoherent mess of an answer, hope it made some sense!

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #176

Today was relatively uneventful, but a couple of interesting developments occurred. And I took a bunch of pictures for you, too! Maybe you'll like them...

But first! Tea! Because it is my habitual morning thing, and it is a small bit of magic that I continue to wish that I could share with you.

I prepared a black tea that has vanilla, rose petals, and cream flavoring in it. Incidentally, I found a tiny black feather inside that I had to pull out of my measuring spoon after I scooped the tea; it was odd:

...You can bet that this is now in my box full of all the feathers I find everywhere. It's tiny, but its placement was very weird!

...I brewed the tea normally nonetheless, and today's swirls were lovely. I'm really glad that I got the glass mug so that I can capture them for you:

...I've been tired of being stuck in the house unable to do things. The rib injury is still unresolved even after two years, and it doesn't seem like I am going to be able to return to the water anytime soon to resume mermaid training, if at all, ever. I can't weave wire trees fast enough to earn appreciable income (and I think the repetitive movement of twisting the wire stresses the rib somehow anyway...), and I wanna be able to do things like take J, M, and Br out for lunch and get them nice surprises by my own power.

The grocery 5 minutes down the road has had a sign that says, "Immediate Interviews" for a while now, and I've noticed that they tend to hire neurodivergent and otherwise disabled people, so... on a whim, I went. And even without having rehearsed anything or being dressed all fancy, I made good use of my training in human psychology and development, and used that to answer questions about how I generally like to resolve conflicts. I seem to have made a good first impression somehow (assuming the interviewer was being sincere...), and I was given step-by-step instructions on how to apply on a little slip of paper (which was SUUUUPER appreciated because I cannot hold verbal instructions in my mind for the life of me...). So I applied. I guess we'll see what happens.

To be clear: I do not need an income, per se. I live with M and J, and they both work in a tech field, and currently, my contribution is making sure the house is clean(ish) in whatever ways my injury allows. I used to work in a tech field as a database analyst (I am DAMN GOOD at making machines do what I want), but between the social repercussions of not having been born with a penis and just generally not being able to handle office politics, I wasn't happy there. Office work on a full-time basis is not something that my neurotype can handle.

I'm hoping to be able to do simple things at the grocery on a part-time basis - no more than 20 hours a week or so. I like the grocery store and I like being able to help people, so maybe it'll be a good time. I'll try it and see if it fits, and if it doesn't work out, I can try something else.

On the way home, I took some pictures for you of some flowers and some pictures of the sky and of the sun. I wonder if you'll like these:

...It was difficult to get those last two!! I hope you'll enjoy them!

I spent the rest of the day resting, because I did a scary social impromptu interview thing. I played the Rune Factory 4 game that was suggested to me by one of my readers. It's a delightful game! But... I maaaay have gotten so into it that I forgot entirely to eat anything after breakfast. Whoops. I'm sorry about that. But I'll do better tomorrow, I promise.

I hope you're taking nice care of yourself, too, wherever you are. Maybe someday you'll be able to tell me how you're doing and whether or not you're safe...

Well anyway. Suppose I'll end today's letter here. I don't have much more to say.

I love you. Please stay safe out there, okay? I'll write again very soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[vamossainz55]

So glad we’re in agreement on the parents topic! 😄

I think those people who hold what Carlos’ parents do against him are mostly the same group of people who hate Carlos on principle, nitpicking everything he does or says 🤷‍♀️ I imagine they want to be bullies in real life but are too afraid of consequences so they resort to social media to live out their mean girl fantasies online where you can say anything without any repercussions (unless you’re a celeb I guess). It’s the sad reality we live in. He gets hate when he’s realistic in interviews about ferrari’s results which somehow means he doesn’t have a champion mentality, but when he says he wants to win - he’s totally delusional. Like, pick a struggle, people haha. Or like drama the other day, that he hasn’t been a Ferrari fan since birth therefore isn’t as worthy of support as Charles. Just all these stupid things that make my head explode every time I see it. Why would anyone waste their time posting obsessively about someone they don’t like? I will never understand.

Again, I’m not talking about all Charles fans of course, just those hardcore stans that dedicate their socials to Carlos hate more than to supporting their fav. I like to believe that in a couple of years they��ll look back on what they were doing and be ashamed and learn to never do it again to anyone, celeb or not.

I also want to say that I’m sad that Carlos barely posts on social media himself but at the same time I hope it means he doesn’t see all this stuff, because when this kind of animosity is directed towards you over the silliest things, I think it’s harder to get over it in a way, because you can’t explain it logically to yourself…

so so glad we are in agreement about the parents thing too, i feel like so many people lose touch of reality and forget that theyre humans who have family, friends, that arent a full representation of them 😫.

you might get me introuble w the whole charles thing but… i agree. some (not all at all) are very questionable. i do think they actively as you mentioned spend more time talking abt carlos then their fav which ? why 😭 (ive mainly seen it on f1twt tbh). like the online hate is ridiculous- i also recently realised its really reserved online? i had this perspective that so many of the tifosi disliked carlos but the whole monza weekend he was so so loved. i was so surprised until i realised its literally a problem that mainly exists online 💀.

but im gonna be honest as well, charles as well gets quite a bit of hate. after monza i saw it increase a bit, which i do not stand for and i think overall that those people online should take their heads out of their ass and focus on bringing their favorite driver up than tearing another one down. you can support your favorite driver without rooting for the downfall of another. can your driver only be good/better if the other driver is shitty? is that the image you want? i also agree anon, they’re probably repressed irl and need to release negativity through comments.

i really miss how active carlos was on social media, im sad that i missed his mclaren era and just posting for fun. ofc we get the occasional post here and there but the vibe is really different. but yeah- at the end of the day it might be better that he doesnt see the hate but at the same time i dont think it changes much bc hed still be online… just not posting as often. im just kind of sad we see less of his personality more than anything else ):

anyways this ended up soooo long hehe. hope it wasnt too much but waa i love these types of discussions

[infinitemelancholie]

I kinda unleashed on someone today and tbh I feel kinda glad that I did. Maybe a little regretful for not landing a few more shots on her but tbh still pretty satisfied either way. Like I'm glad I just laid into someone like that. Like I just unleashed my anger and resentment and let it fly. And it paid off spectacularly. She's out of my life which is relieving and honestly worth celebrating because why do I need someone like her in my life to begin with?

Time after time I run across some chick still burned from whatever dude did her dirty or someone who's got some really weird ideas surrounding love and sex and honestly putting them in their place just seems so right. That's how she was. She wasn't friends with her exes which is a bad sign because why? And like yeah I made a badly timed joke but I also tried to rectify the problem but she wasn't having it so why not just tell her she really ain't shit? She clearly has a history of dating not so good guys and honestly let em keep having her and that's probably where she's going to end up in the end.

I'm tired of meeting people who like to play helpless in their love life. Yeah her exes were toxic but she was also the one that dated them. She had the agency to break it off with them whenever but decided to stick around and honestly that's on her. It's also on her to deal with her problems instead of projecting them onto others.

She reminded me so much of my mom and honestly that's the problem. That's the problem with a lot of the women I end up meeting. On some level they just end up turning into her in some way shape or form. I keep running into helpless little victims who refuse to take any accountability for their actions or anything and instead just decide to lash out at whichever man happens to be in their vicinity because why not? They always expect me to be their perfect little boy toy but I'm not that kinda guy. I have my own life and my own personality. Y'know she called me an asshole and for some reason that just felt so liberating. It was like finally I'm free from having to be this picture perfect boyfriend. Finally I'm able to just run amok and do my own thing. I can live as I want to now without any repercussions. The asshole side of me is alive and well and honestly i'm glad he's here. Of course i'm not going to be rude and standoffish to everyone but I mean I have a mean side who's looking out for me and what matters most to me so I'm just going to bask in the wonders and gloriousness of that. Being called an asshole by someone like that is actually the best compliment you can ever receive.

So, that being said, it's time now for me to find my fellow assholes. The kinda people who can examine themselves and take accountability for their own actions. The kind of people who recognize that every relationship good bad toxic or abusive is somehow their fault, but they're taking steps to avoid those kinds of entanglements now and are actually open to the possibility of a goddamn healthy relationship where We each recognize our own faults in having upset the other or something but somehow still finding a way to make it work. God that's literally all i'm looking for. And if I run into someone who can't handle that then guess who's fault it is? Theirs. And imma gladly exit and never look back. God I love me lol. Like seriously look at me. I'm not letting her opinion of me weigh me down. I'm not letting many others' opinions of me weigh me down. I'm actually trying my best to be a decent date and partner for others and ugh I just can't get enough of who I am right now in this moment. I'm really the best fucking guy on the planet and I kick so much ass lol

[a-spell-a-rebel-yell]

April

hello lads & lasses! hope everything is well and everyone’s doing good 😊 i'm actually on time again because i'm done with all of my assignments hurrah!

April marked the end of Ramadan and all the fun it brought along, but my first Ramadan as an ortho resident was cool! spent a quiet Eid this year, just at home with my immediate family and enjoyed lazying around all day. it's quite funny how getting older doesn't change my opinion that staying in is still the best thing ever 😂

two days after Eid i got to watch Joko Anwar’s Siksa Kubur and i feel like i’m about to be a true cinephile lol as i left the cinema with so many things in my mind unrelated to the horror film but about faith and belief - like a true philosophy student 🤪 i love Jokan’s unorthodox approach to incite something in the audiences’ minds and hearts, his works really get you thinking critically. maybe not everyone’s cup of tea as some catalogued them as ‘boring’ or ‘pretentious’ but i guess you enjoy what you count as entertainment. not understanding his way of delving into things doesn’t exactly mean your brain doesn’t have the capability to process them, just that you simply do not seek recreation from it.

in line with faith and belief, it brings back to me this John Green quote from The Perks of Being A Wallflower: we accept the love we think we deserve - altered my brain chemistry when i read it the first time all those years ago - that the way you perceive things really does matter and control how you’re living your life. a simple example, if you think of happiness in a narrow and limited definition of such and such, it will be more than difficult to find happiness: you’ll be inclined to think life is perpetually hard, no joy at all, et cetera… only by gaining knowledge (therefore, wisdom) you can broaden your view and know that it’s all in every crevices of life. boom, life-changing way of thinking! which is why i don’t think humans will ever be able to judge why things happen the way they are or let alone try to defy Allah’s plans simply because of our finite and bounded point of view. this is where tawakkul plays its role (again, of course, Allah is always with us) and i just love how again and again belief and faith go hand in hand. and how knowing this - essentially having knowledge - is an omnipotent power!

about dealing with grief, no matter how many years have passed it is still grief. but it is also the solid proof that i am capable of such immense and intense love that too i can recognize grief of this unmeasurable degree. i’ve been shown and experienced how everything never went to waste, it all amounts to something. though bloodied and battered, it is with grace and dignity. my mind flitted back into one of my favorite quote from Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince, said by Harry himself (“It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew - and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents - that there was all the difference in the world.”) in summary? persevere and survive. endure and survive.

of course i am capable of forgiving, i am all about putting things behind in the past, all done’s begone. but it’s not necessarily that, to me it’s forgive but do not forget. it reminds me of the story of Rasulullah and Wahsyi (who killed Hamzah pbuh) how Allah understands Rasulullah’s feelings on the murder (if you’re not familiar with the story, read here) so, like a mere human being that i am, sometimes i contemplate about how the people who’ve caused me great suffering and once made my life a continuous torture can live their wonderful life happily, without guilt, with no repercussions whatsoever. my answer came a few weeks ago when i read this article mentioning how their punishment is who they are - and that stopped me in my tracks. the way those callous people never realized the extent of what they did to me, they tend to never learn - therefore never made themselves better and ingrained in their souls are the foul, immoral things they did. the stain of what they did will follow them in the way they will unconsciously carry the impulse wherever they go - they tend to repeat it again, which ensures the fact that they will get the consequences one way or another, for Allah is Just. added a new prayer to my repertoire: may i never be the reason someone has to force themselves to learn how to stop having breakdowns every once in a while…

in a lighter note, it’s one month before my very first ortho dept gathering and we still haven’t rehearsed the performance we need to do omg 😭 also can’t believe we’re reaching the end of second semester, marking my first year as an orthodontic resident! it's quite funny to me the way that the times i've visited the UI Depok campus can be counted by fingers... had my first ever offline exam at Depok and wow the campus is so spacious and i've been a Salemba girlie for so long the amount of students there kinda surprised me lol i'm so used to cramped spaces at Salemba 😭😭 but yeah to me it's Salemba > Depok simply because Depok's temperature is too hot! i can't stand it!

more of my friends are getting accepted into residency this year, and i'm delighted! though not everyone go to UI though, some chose Unpad and UGM. very proud of them! i've been persuading lots of my friends to go back to school 😂

anyways, that's all for this month, i'll get back to you on May's post! stay under shade, stay away from the sun, and make sure to hydrate yourself! take care 💙

[obsidiancreates]

Okay you've unleashed the beast and TW for talking about attempted sexual assault below the cut

So first off FUCK what they did with Alison, oh my god. Like okay, she's mad that she keeps having to leave behind her family with Claire and Raymond and that the world keeps ending no matter how much they keep sacrificing to try and save it, totally valid, love that arc for her. But she expresses this by MURDERING THE PERSON VIKTOR CONSIDERED TO BE LIKE A SON AND THEN ATTEMPTING TO RUMOR LUTHER INTO HAVING SEX WITH HER WHEN HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND HAD CLEARLY AND REPEATEDLY REJECTED HER AND EXPRESSED THAT HE DID NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HER AND THEN SHE!!! DOESN'T HAVE!!! ANY REPERCUSSIONS FOR IT!!! AND THIS IS WHAT I MEAN BY RACISM-BASED CHARACTER ASSASSINATION BECAUSE HOLY SHIT WHY DID THEY DO THAT TO ALLISON WHY DID THEY MAKE HER- SHE'S JUST STRAIGHT-UP EVIL THIS SEASON AND NOT EVEN IN A FUN "YOU GO GET IT GIRL" VILLAIN WAY IT'S JUST GENUINELY UPSETTING TO WATCH

AND KLAUS OH ONCE AGAIN THEY DO MY BOY DIRTY- FIRST OFF HE DOESN'T EVEN USE HIS FUCKING POWERS THIS SEASON HE DOES NOT SPEAK TO GHOSTS ONCE HE DOES NOT MAKE ANY CORPOREAL HE DOESN'T DO SHIT HE JUST DIES AND COMES BACK TO LIFE AND I GUESS THOSE ARE HIS POWERS NOW FUCK THE GHOST STUFF THAT'S NOT EVEN MENTIONED UNTIL A RANDOM SCENE WITH REGGIE WHERE THEY GO TO THE MAUSOLEUM AND KLAUS MAKES A BIG BLUE GLOW FROM HIMSELF AND I GUESS??? KILLS THE GHOSTS AGAIN OR SOMETHING????? AND THEY'RE HAVING HIM DRINK WITH NO ABANDON AGAIN BECAUSE FUCK THE WHOLE INCREDIBLE HEART-WRETCHING DEEP AND BEAUTIFUL STORYLINE FROM SEASON 1 ABOUT HIS STRUGGLE TO GET SOBER I GUESS ALCOHOLISM IS FUN AND QUIRKY GUYS I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT-

THE SPARROWS WERE WASTED AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THEM WAS SO UNSATISFYING AND THE ENTIRE "OTHER TIMELINE" THING WAS JUST- THEY DIDN'T UTILIZE ANY OF IT WELL AND IT WAS SO DISAPPOINTING LIKE THEY GOT AROUND THE IDEA OF "OTHER VERSIONS OF THE UMBRELLAS" BY JUST MAKING THEM NEVER HAVE EXISTED LIKE OH MY GOD

THE WAY ALLISON TREATS HARLAN MAKES ME SO MAD EVERYTHING SHE OPENLY SAYS SHE HATES HIM FOR IS JUST HIS AUTISTIC TRAITS HE'S BLUNT AND BAD AT READING EMOTIONS AND SHE JUST OPENLY SHITS ON HIM FOR IT AND THEN SHE FUCKING KILLS HIM BECAUSE HE ACCIDENTALLY KILLED THEIR MOMS WITH A POWER SURGE AND SHE'S LIKE "YOU'RE THE REASON CLAIRE IS DEAD" UM ALLISON SWEETIE CLAIRE DIED WHEN VIKTOR EXPLODED THE WORLD WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AND HARLAN'S MURDER IS BARELY EVEN ADDRESSED AND IMPACTS NOTHING

NOTHING IMPACTS ANYTHING THIS SEASON IT FEELS LIKE A CHEAP DRAMA-RIDDLED TEEN SHOW NOW AND I HATE ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

ALLISON HATES VIKTOR NOW I GUESS IT'S BULLSHIT AND I HATE IT

IT'S CANONICALLY STILL THE SAME TIMELINE AS THEIR TIME IN THE 60'S SO RAYMOND LIVED A WHOLE LIFE AFTER ALLISON LEFT AND DIED AND IF THE SHOW BOTHERED TO LET KALUS USE HIS POWERS WE COULD HAVE HAD A SCENE WHERE KLAUS USES HIS POWERS TO LET ALLISON TALK TO RAYMOND'S GHOST WHO COULD REMIND HER WHY THEY KEEP TRYING TO SAVE THE WORLD DESPITE ALL THEIR LOSSES AND COMFORT HER AND GIVE HER CATHARSIS AND A REAL GOODBYE AND STRONGER CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS BUT NOOOOOOOOOO KLAUS DOESN'T DO GHOST SHIT ANYMORE IT'S ALL DYING AND COMING BACK NOW SO FUCK THAT POTENTIALLY BEAUTIFUL STORY BEAT WE COULD HAVE HAD

THEY WASTED THE SPARROWSSSSSSSSSSSSSS AND SPARROW BEN WAS SO LAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE AND I HATED EVERYTHING THEY DID WITH THEMMMMMMMMMMM WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE MADE SOMETHING ACTUALLY GOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I DON'T LIKE LILA THEY POPPED HER INTO THE SHOW AND MADE DIEGO FORGE ALL ABOUT PATCH AND SHE'S A MAIN CHARACTER IN SEASON 3 NOW AND I'M UPSET ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE'S PREGNANT WITH DIEGO'S BABY AND IT SUCKS

DIEGO HAS A DIFFERENT KID HE THINKS IS HIS SON FOR MOST OF THE SEASON AND IT'S A WHOLE THING AND HE'S SUCH A SHITTY DAD TO THIS KID HE SLAPS HIM ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD AND DEMEANS HIM AND MOCKS HIM AND SHIT AND I KNOW DIEGO WOULD BE BETTER THAN THAT HE HATED REGGIE SO MUCH AND SEEING HIM BE LIKE THAT HURT AND WAS DEEPLY UPSETTING

AND THEN THE KID DIES AND IT'S LIKE NOT EVEN IMPACTFUL TO DIEGO AT ALL EVEN THE SHOW HAS US BELIEVE DIEGO REALLY STARTED TO CARE FOR AND LOVE THIS KID HE THOUGHT WAS HIS SON AND THIS KID CARED ABOUT DIEGO AND WAS SEEING HIM AS A FATHR FIGURE AFTER HAVING ONLY ABSENT PARENTS HIS WHOLE LIFE AND. AND HIS DEATH JUST DOESN'T MEAN SHIT. BECAUSE NOTHING HAS WEIGHT OR IMPACT TO IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND OH MY GOD THE SEASON JUST FEEL SO DIRECTIONLESS AND-AND FILLER-Y BUT NOT JUST A FILLER EPISODE A WHOLE DAMN FILLER SEASON

WAIT NO KLAUS DID USE HIS GHOST-CORPOREAL POWERS EXACTLY ONCE IN THE VERY LAST EPISODE AND BY THE WAY HE'S STILL NOT GIVEN ANY KIND OF RESPECT FOR CATHARSIS OR ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OR ANYTHING BY HIS FAMILY REALLY WHEN DOES MY BOY GET A LITTLE BIT OF FUCKING JUSTICE PLEASE HE'S BEEN SO MISTREATED FOR SO LONG BUT THIS SEASON IS JUST HIM BEING MANIPULATED AND LITERALLY MURDERED FOR SCIENCE BY REGGIE THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME I HATE ITTTTTTTTTTTT

GUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH RRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

gang im gonna be real. i never watched s3

[katsubiatch]

Distant Shores-2

Summary: The heathens came to raid every year, stealing treasures and killing along the way. Your father was the King of Wessex and wanted to strike a deal with the heathens. The heathens and their ruthless numbers in exchange for some lands to farm, riches... and you. You are the Christian princess that is now to marry the Heathen King, a man that you're sure would rather kill you than marry you. This is going to be a miserable marriage.

A Viking!BakugouxReader fic.

The boat ride back to where the Vikings lived was a long one. As exciting as being on the open water was, to see so much open space it got old quickly. The water would spray at you, soaking you to your bones and causing you to shiver. There also wasn’t much to look at other than the deep blue of the ocean, white fluffy clouds in the sky, the other Viking ships floating nearby. 

You also couldn’t really speak to anyone, you did not know their language at all nor they yours. The only one who seemed to know anything was the man that was to be your husband, however he didn’t seem interested in talking. At least not to you. From what you could tell he was grumpy, rude, unpredictable and overall unpleasant. You wondered why these people followed him, weather or not they had a choice in the matter or not. Back home no matter what anyone thought of your father they had to follow, he was King after all. You weren’t quite sure how it worked here but you couldn’t ask either. 

You huffed, drawing the fur closer around your body, the same one that had been placed on you near the start of your journey. He had to have a nice bone somewhere in his body, right? If he gave you this fur, then again maybe he just hadn’t wanted to hear you complain. It felt like you had been on the sea forever, and there was a constant chill to you that you couldn’t shake. You had no idea how some of these men were shirtless, though you supposed it would be easy to work up a sweat rowing as they did. You hadn’t ever thought of that, that there were people who did such a job. You hadn’t been on one of your fathers ships and even if you had you wouldn’t have seen the men working so hard to row.  One of the men must have noticed your staring because he gestured to you and then to the oar that he was holding, laughing and joking with the men beside him. However you stood up, giving the man a smile. At this point you’d do anything to warm up and help. You felt useless this entire time, the only person who hadn’t taken a turn to row. The man looked shocked at you as you stood up, gently touching the oar. You weren’t quite sure how to do this, that much was obvious but the man did his best to instruct you without actually speaking. You figured you got the gist of it and it only took you a minute or so to get in sync with the other men rowing. You laughed softly to yourself before starting to feel the burn in your arms. This was a workout, but judging by the men near you and their large arms this was something they were used to. A few of the men near you let out little snickers and chuckles, shaking their heads. They hadn’t expected such a prim and proper lady to do such a thing. You on the other hand, found things like this interesting and wanted to try it all. 

It did not last long however until you felt a strong hand wrapping around your upper arm and dragging you up, causing you to drop the oar and gasp slightly. Bakugou was barking angrily at the man that had gotten up from his position while gripping tightly on your arm. You couldn’t understand what he was saying but he sounded angry and you instantly regretted your decision. “It is my fault.. not his.” You managed to get out, your own hand touching Bakugou’s arm.  “Quiet you, you are meant to sit here until we get back.” Bakugou growled as he looked down at you, almost snarling as he deposited you back to where you had originally been seated. You grumbled for a few moments, looking up at Bakugou with narrowed eyes, obviously upset that he had pulled you away from your task. 

The two of you were sharing a very long, intense stare. A few of the men around you admired your braveness and said as much, not that you could understand what they were saying to begin with. Soon a spray of ocean water broke your gaze as it came crashing right next to you and you had to move to get out of it’s way. “You sit here, and do not say anything the rest of the way.” Bakugou grumbled as he moved you to a spot where there wasn’t too much spray and threw another fur over you. 

His mood was hard to understand, he could be somewhat kind as you’d witnessed before, but he was also surly and rude. To be married to someone like that for the rest of your life, always having to guess at what emotion he had and walking on eggshells. That was not something that you wanted to deal with, however you didn’t have much choice in the matter. Running away? Well you were in the middle of the ocean and once you got back to land your odds weren’t much better. In a foreign land where you didn’t speak the language? Yeah that wouldn’t be good. So at this point you were stuck, with no much choice other than to marry a man you didn’t know or love. 

It was a day or so later that seagulls were seen flying above and you saw the men getting excited, so you figured that you must be getting closer to home. Well their home, your new prison. Moments later a small town came into view, huts and longhouses, docks and a beautiful beach. You stayed put where you were however, instead of going to get a closer look. You really didn’t want to anger your future any further. 

Soon the men were docking, women waiting with children at the docks smiling happily and waving at what you presumed were their husbands. They were all so happy to see their families some jumped off the boats before they were properly docked and unloaded. You wondered what it was like, to have such a family. You figured you’d never know. Your parents weren’t exactly the loving type, always more concerned with their country and duty. You smiled at watching them reunite, happy for them. Children climbed on their fathers shoulders, heavily pregnant women eagerly hugged their husbands. 

You were roughly pulled from your seated position, a calloused hand gripping your upper arm tightly and hauling you towards the docks. You did your best to fall into step beside him, tripping over your own feet as his pace was quick. “Keep up.” He grumbled as he looked back angerly at you before stopping once they had got to the red head you often saw Bakugou hanging around with. He was huddled close to a beautiful, bubbly woman holding a a newborn baby wrapped in furs. The two were cooing over the little thing before Bakugou walked over to them.  “Look at how beautiful she is, you really outdid yourself Mina.” 

“Well you had a hand in it as well you know.”  You heard the woman giggle but you had no idea what they were saying so you just stayed put, catching your breath from that walk. Bakugou stayed put, looking down at the baby and you could have sworn you saw a light smile gracing his lips. However whatever was there was gone just as quick.  “She is beautiful.” Bakugou agreed and looked at the two. “Congratulations. A new child is a wonderful thing.” “Who is she?” Mina asked, peeking around Kirishima to get a better look at the woman Bakugou was holding onto so tightly.  “Oh don’t worry about her, I’ll explain later.” Kirishima whispered to her before Bakugou drug her along and she stumbled to keep up. You didn’t dare speak up, not wanting to be embarrassed in front of people you didn’t know. It took a bit but soon you made it to a very big long house where many people seemed to be convening and all were smiling at Bakugou, saying words that you didn’t understand and clapping him on the back. You were sure they were all congratulating and thanking him for a raid well done. You got many curious looks as well, however Bakugou didn’t divulge that information to anyway.  There was a large feast prepared, everyone sat in the great hall laughing and feasting. You were set next to Bakugou, picking at your food because you were just too nervous to do much else. Of course you felt out of place, you didn’t understand any of the conversations going on and the only person who you could speak to seemed much more interested in other things. However a bit after this feast started Bakugou stood up and everyone silenced, even the children were quiet in the presence of their earl.  “We are gathered here to celebrate our great raid!” Bakugou yelled out into the crowd, even if it was quiet he felt the need for such celebration. Everyone yelled out, taking drinks and laughing amongst themselves. “We had a very succesful raid and we shall make it through the winter, if not longer! We did strike a deal with the King of Wessexs. He offered us riches and land in exchange for our army should he need it. We also have his daughter, who I am to marry.” He didn’t say the last part quite happily but it was what it was. He was to marry this girl and that was that. “Now weather or not we uphold our part of the deal is to remain seen. After all if he is going to drag us into a lengthy and pointless war we will not participate, and deal with those repercussions later.” At that the men laughed. “Now eat, drink, celebrate our return and our new riches!” 

You hadn’t understood anything that he’d said but you assumed that it had something to do with being back and some kind of pep talk you were sure. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. Although while the men and women drank, celebrated and got a touch too feely with each other than you were used to you awkwardly sat and watched the festivities. Children running and playing, wives draping themselves over their husbands and some doing everything they could to welcome them back, men sitting around and talking with each other. Your husband to be was doing just that, drinking and talking with a few of the other men you’d seen him around often. 

You felt out of place some eyes staring at you and definitely giving you the cold shoulder. You were an outsider, a stranger to their otherwise seemingly close knit unit. Even those who seemed to be servants ignored and moved around you. It had been a very long journey and an even longer night. You felt yourself falling asleep sitting up, while you had no idea where you are supposed to sleep. “Get up.” A gruff voice next to you grumbled and gripped your arm, hauling you up from your seated position. Your eyes opened as you stood and looked up at Bakugou. “You can’t fall asleep at the table. Come.” He commanded as he made his way towards a curtained off area. Once you got past the curtains there was an area with a bed, trunks, spare furs and treasures you hadn’t ever seen before. “You’ll stay here with me, in the bed.” Your eyes went wide at that, having never shared a bed with a man before. However you supposed that this man was going to be your husband.  You nodded before looking around the room and noticing that your one trunk wasn’t here, “Your things are not here... you can sleep in this.” Bakugou threw one of his tunics at you, and while it would be big on you it certainly wasn’t what you were used to and you’d be showing more than you were comfortable with. “I’ll turn around.” He rolled his eyes, grumbling and turning around. 

“Thank you.” You whispered, although you knew that he would see it all soon enough you were grateful that he would at least give you this until that day came. 

Days came and went, and most of them would have been spent alone had Bakugou not been so generous as to allow one of his men to escourt you around, it helped that he was also fluent in your language. He had joined the Vikings on one of their raids last summer and while some of the men still didn’t trust him he was loyal to them. His name was Shoto Todoroki and he was quiet but kind. He would translate conversations for you, although most of them held no interest for you however some did involve you and most of the women around were upset that you were taking Bakugou. However you weren’t exactly taking him, you’d been forced into this marriage just as much as he had. You also didn’t think that he’d been too interested in the women either. 

No one wanted to speak to you, and it was lonely although you did have Shoto but there were times that he had other things to do and you didn’t want him to have to hang out with you all day. He was sweet and kind however and much more of a conversationalist than Bakugou. You would get occasional grunts and commands when you were together but that wasn’t often. He was always busy and kept you under watch whenever he was gone. 

A week had gone by since you’d been in the Viking lands and it was time for your wedding. It had been planned quickly and all the traditions were so different from your own. The wedding was on a Friday, because it was Friggas day and she was the Goddess of marriage, love and fertility according to Shoto. You’d bathed in a bath house with Bakugous mother, Mitsuki, to wash away your status as a Maidan. It was usually done with married women of your family however none of your family was here so different arrangements were made. You quite liked Bakugous mother, she was not quite as brash and rude as her son but you saw where he got his personality from. 

After your bath your hair was braided and ornaments were placed in it, another tradition you were not familiar with. You were dressed in a blue gown that had been made specifically for this wedding, it was simple as you’d been told your hair was more important than the actual dress. You’d picked up on a few words here and there, as well as Shoto had been teaching you some things. Especially what to say during the wedding, which was something you’d been nervous of. 

Once the actual wedding started you were feeling nervous, walking down that long way towards Bakugous back, seeing him wearing his best furs and clothes. During the ceremony you did your best to pay attention, although you didn’t understand everything and just went along with what was happening. Exchanging rings, swords-which was strange for you-and a very chaste, first, kiss. Bakugou looked indifferent the entire time, and you felt much the same. You hadn’t gotten to know him since you’d been here, he was always off working with his people or solving their problems. 

There was a large feast held afterwards with plenty of mead flowing and while you hadn’t ever tried the stuff before you decided why not, after all you had no idea what was to become of your wedding night but you had a feeling Bakugou was going to expect something. Where you came from no one spoke of it, however a few cheeky maids had let you in on the secret of losing your maidenhood. You were nervous but figured some liquid courage could help. You sputtered and choked at first, to which your now husband laughed at you for. “Didn’t expect you to want to drink.” He laughed, the mead loosening his tongue a bit. It was the most that he’d spoken to you in days.  “If I am supposed to be your wife maybe I should act like a Viking.” That got another laugh out of your husband who shook his head. This feast was quite a bit like allthe others every night but this one was bigger than the rest and there was much more alcohol flowing through it. 

The night dragged on and soon enough you found yourself in Bakugous large bed, naked and surrounded by furs. He could tell you were nervous and so he took his time. Working you up, only to have you crashing down with such a force that you couldn’t explain. The maids might have told you about losing your maidenhood however they hadn’t spoke to it feeling like this. Just when you thought you couldn’t take anymore he proved you wrong. You didn’t think that it could feel like this, nor did you think Bakugou could be so gentle and nice. At the end of it you could hardly keep your eyes open and Bakugou cleaned you up and dressed you, covering you up with furs. He might not have wanted this marriage but he wasn’t going to be the biggest asshole in the world. At least not tonight. 

A/N: I did my best to add in viking wedding traditions although it was a little hard because a lot of them involved thins with family and obviously reader does not have family here! Yes I decided to put Kirishima and Mina together, idk why it just seems like a good pairing to me and I’ve seen it in quite a few fics as well! Mina is also a warrior but she stayed behind because she was still pregnant at the time of the raid starting. Also when things are in italics that is when they are speaking the Viking language. Also I am not adding smut in because I can’t control if a minor is going to read this or not plus I am not good at writing it anyway haha. This got a little dry and boring in the middle, I apologize but The next part will start to get a little more angsty and juicy so I hope you’re ready!!

TagList

naiomiwinchester  wannabe99now  @whore-for-anime  moshi-moshi-angie015  ojfugk  angie-1306

[laufeyamp]

Sin

SUMMARY.  ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ- unique privileges and the life of luxury granted to the royal families have always been envious. Though, there’s rules that reins every reigning monarch which they ought to obey for the sake of all living creatures in one’s kingdom. However, there’s no black or white in love, is there?

PAIRING. loki x princess/prince!gender neutral reader WORD COUNT. 1.132k IB. fear street 1666

THIS WORK CONTAINS angst, mentions of death penalty, fluff

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

“I confess,” the phrases passed his moistened lips without any further hesitation or consideration regarding the excruciating consequences of his, or perhaps your actions. “No,” your protest turned into an impotent whimper as your fingers found his cold porcelain hands in the pitch blackness of the church, apprehension of what’s about to arrive started filling your heaving chest. “No, please.” In the dusk demesnes of night, he’s thoroughly aware of your effort in  swallowing your blubbers, not to mention the silent tears which drained out of your reddened eyes. It shattered his soul to watch you weep in fear, reminding him of how he’d failed in the role of your lover and leading him to second-guess the path he’s chosen for the both of you. You're the only one who’s capable of dissuading him without endeavoring after all, seeing that you’re the source of both his determination and faith in all.  The snivels from your runny nose you wished to stifle were slightly reverberating throughout the quiet church, your vocal cords refusing to utter your enunciation respecting the severity of his resolution which played in your mind. He waited meekly, all the while wiping your warm tears away with the pad of his thumb hushedly. “You’ll have your head hacked off,” your voice quavered quietly after moments of struggles with vocalizing what’s been fretting you, sorrow welled your chest just at the thought of it. “I can’t lose you.”

As absurd as it may come off as, the sovereigns of all kingdoms in the Nine Realms have always complied with this regulation involving relations between provinces which was passed down by the ancient gods over countless decades. There are accursed bonds that must be sundered afore it worsens to the point of no returning, misdeeds that shall be redeemed only with the blood of the miscreants in order to halt history from repeating itself. Once, this statute had been taken lightly by the majority of the population until marriage between two young adults of noble families occurred in an attempt to unite both empires. The connection formed between the pair was ill-fated due to their respective native lands, and they had been warned on the day of their espousal with a heavy storm which destructed plenty of infrastructures, causing inconvenience to the people of both kingdoms. Nevertheless, the deterrents and hints given had been unfortunately neglected by all and sundry. The disobedience and ignorance of the people enraged the Lord, resulting the lands to spoil, threatening both territories’ ability to grow food crops; sunlight could barely be seen as acidic raindrops started to fall from the sky frequently, damaging the quality of their soil and herbs; as well as the beasts which had a ruthless carnage amongst them, slaughtering species of their own. The utter mayhem came to an end after weeks of torment with the remaining survivors lynching the engaged couple at dawn. The unbelievably massive amount of lives lost and annihilation of both dominions caused by this historic occasion had captured the heed of many, leading them to play it by the book.

He inched further, planting a tender kiss on your forehead affectionately as an act of comfort with your face in his palms. “So will they do the same to you.” Asgard and Vanaheim were never bound to share any form of alliance for the grievous repercussion which disastrously followed, and to those who defy will be viciously beheaded, notwithstanding their identities. Considering that you’re a dynast of Vanaheim, you had been apprised and sternly forewarned to never mingle with the people of Asgard since you were a child. Despite of the years you’d spent keeping every Asgardian you’ve encountered during events at arm’s length prudently, you had still fallen head over heels for the prince of Asgard you’ve ran into in the course of your stay on Midgard. The universe and nature always has it’s ways to connect two points that were destined to touch, you suppose. “And I can’t afford losing you either,” he stared into your orbs, where he’d seen the entire universe dance in, reflecting everything that matters far more than his rivalry with his elder brother for the throne. The strong urge to allow those two phrases which could and would permanently change your life slip from your lips was growing more and more irresistible— and with the endless devotion and fidelity written in his eyes, voicing the truth in his words therewithal.

Far too lost in your indecisiveness and uncertainty which trapped you in a quandary, you hadn’t noticed the arrival of both Asgard and Vanaheim’s royal guards, who had been sent on a lookout for any hints of your whereabouts. He removed his hands which were cupping your cheeks to your waist and arm, pulling you to one of the pews as your temporary hideaway protectively and with a swift wave of his hand, olive green gas encircled the door locks of the church, sealing the entrances.  The clicks startled the vigilant guards, worse luck. “I do not wish to pressure you,” he spoke, his loving gaze returned to his lover and accomplice after he ensured that his little spell is capable of holding them off momentarily. “It’s your decision to make.” Apart from the death penalties mentioned upon the culprits, there’s another obscure method to cease this havoc, to form immunity towards it’s sequels apparently. ‘All sins committed ought to be confessed earnestly, in an effort to obtain absolution,’ had been blazoned across the believers of all realms, written in the sheets of bound sets regarding beliefs as one’s repentance and remorse is incomparable, leaving gore no match for it. Nonetheless, it’s presumed to be wholly inadequate due to the lack of penitence showed and experienced by the sinners themselves, resulting this alternative way to be diminished in deliberations.

“I confess,” overall... it’s always worth a try, isn’t it? Loki heaved a euphoric sigh of relief, the weight of fear instantly dissipated in the sight of your curled lips which formed the sweetest smile he’s ever espied. And with the connection of your lips, he erased the remaining gap between the both of you, tears of joy that had been threatening to spill over lingered on his cheeks. One of the doors of the church swung open rapidly from the vandalization carried out by the armed guards, successfully forcing their way in one way or another. But it was all too late. Emerald gas started engulfing both of your figures whilst he inched further, devouring your lips ever so eagerly as his slender fingers found it’s way to tilt your chin up. His teleportation spell ushered you to somewhere else, where you were able to attach your lips with his under broad daylight, without having to conceal your true identities.

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

SYD .ೃ࿐ Reblogs and interactions are greatly appreciated, thank you for reading.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E123 (Feb. 2, 2021)

After last week’s thoroughly relaxing and brief episode, tonight’s guests are Sam Riegel and Liam O’Brien!

Brian, to Sam: “You look like Tim Curry moved to Nantucket to become a sommelier.”

How did Caleb and Veth approach the ally-ship with the Tombtakers? Sam: “I mean, we got some information, and I think we got a little closer to Lucien and knowing whether he has any of Mollymauk inside of him, which is I think the most important knowledge that we’re seeking right now. Is there someone to be saved inside there? We got glimpses, and we got a little hint that Mollymauk is maybe still in there? Maybe? And we got a little more insight into their plans, so that was useful.” Liam: “We know why we were having that fucking dream.” Sam: “But other than that, it was just a road trip with assholes.” Liam: “All our plans have been ripped in a new direction, and it’s just been improvisation.” Sam notes that it feels like we’re always about to rip into Caleb’s backstory, but haven’t yet followed that thread all the way through. Liam: “It’s partially frustrating, to be sure, but also I like the idea that-- his whole shit has been selfish, it’s been dealing with the trauma that he’s been through and not the greater world, and that’s been shifting somewhat.”

Does Caleb think the book was worth it, and is he still interested in reading more? Sam: “How do you ask Caleb not to read a book?” Liam: “Caleb has spent enough time with the Nein to know you shouldn’t put a hand on a hot stove. After what happened with the book, he knows it’s a terrible idea. But maybe. But it’s a really bad idea. But reserve judgment, but it’s a really terrible idea. I think that Caleb is very aware that mages and people like him very easily fall prey to their curiosity and it can lead to bad places. But there is still that amount of scientific endeavor where you think there is value in knowing and learning, and maybe we can ride that line. He was True Neutral at the start of the campaign, and maybe he’s Chaotic Good now, but part of him is hubris, even if it’s a little bit, still.”

What about Otis has drawn Veth’s focus? Sam: “I mean, he’s a little shit. She was curious about Otis because he’s a small like she is, and in talking to him, he seemed to be real creepy, but he was just creepy and distant and didn’t value his past or family or anything like that. She sees someone who’s like her, but so not like her, and maybe that scares her a little bit more.”

How does Caleb feel about Beau being on this ride with him? Liam: “The dream is another example of how Caleb had very narrow vision of the things he wanted to do. It used to seem so massive to him, but now... To have Beauregard involved feels right. If anyone in the group is going to stop him from grabbing something he shouldn’t, it is probably Beauregard. She’ll punch him in the fucking face to stop him, which I think he needs, to a certain extent. They’re two different kinds of nerds, and I kind of like that, that this group of nine philosophers, they’ve reached out and somehow grabbed the two nerds in the party.”

How do Caleb and Veth see the Somnovum? Sam: “I mean, they seem real bad. Anything that’s a quorum of powerful entities heading towards your planet to unleash an energy of any kind, typically bad? I assume they’re bad, or at least the Tombtakers wish them to do ill.” Liam: “I think they want the kind of peace that comes from snapping your fingers and turning people to dust. Caleb sees them as a cautionary tale; they’re the worst-case scenario for arcane inquisitiveness.” He sees Allura Vysoren as the antidote to that.

Why the staunch refusal to use Halfling Luck? Sam: “I don’t like Luck! I just don’t like Luck. I think it’s cheap, I think it’s a cheat, I think it’s stupid. It just feels like a do-over.” Liam: “I am your antithesis! If I ever voice a halfling, I am going to hammer that feature!” Sam: “What I love about D&D is that you don’t know what’s going to happen. If you roll bad, okay, that’s it. If you roll well, it makes the success more enjoyable to know that it’s a pure success and don’t one where you’re like well actually... it’s so stupid. If someone was about to die, I would probably use the fuckin’ Luck feature. Well. It depends who. If it was Travis, yeah, no, he’s fucked, sorry.”

Liam drops that he’s picked Sam’s character class and race again for a hypothetical campaign three. Sam: “It’s not what I was thinking for future characters, but I’m excited to explore.”

Cosplay of the Week: an amazing Mollymauk by KatofValkyrie!

What was it like to bring the Tombtakers into the tower? Liam: “It is complicated, because he does not like him. Lucien’s just a fucking dick. But Caleb also knows that Molly’s in there somewhere. That tower’s only for the M9, and Lucien’s not in the M9. Their situation with these people is shitty, it’s terrible. Caleb doesn’t feel like they have the upper hand. He doesn’t like that they’re even going on this journey per se, because life is bigger than his bullshit. He feels like they’ve been losing over and over again, so it was a gamble to try to get on equal footing.

What spurred Veth into making sure she and Yasha have some one-on-one time? Sam: “Yasha hasn’t been getting a lot of moments to shine. Now that she’s back, I just got the impression that Yasha feels out of place sometimes, or timid, or unsure of herself. When Veth was Nott, Nott certainly had her share of those moments. I think she sees a kindred spirit and wants to make sure that she’s been giving all the opportunity she can to flourish and thrive. Dani, you’re just laughing at my mustache, aren’t you?” Dani: “Yes, that’s the only thing I’m laughing at through this whole bullshit.” Sam denies all knowledge of trolling, but eventually admits, on the topic of Yasha and Beau getting together: “They’ve made me wait this long... I’m going to make them wait a little bit longer!”

What was it like to show his friends the upper floors? Liam: “I kinda expected somebody to sneak up there before that. That being part of the tower is not even a conscious choice of his, it just is. The reason Caduceus has creeped Caleb out for a long time is because he talks about how-- Caduceus is a really kind person and wants Caleb to let go of the past. And in a really simplistic way, turn that frown upside-down. And that’s just not who Caleb is, and it’s not who everybody is. There is something to be said for trying to stay open and positivity, but thinking you can shut out the past, especially a traumatic one, is just not true. When things happen to us, we carry them. But to candy-coat it and say, ah, I’m free, or everything is good, or I’ve turned the corner... life is way messier than that. It’s not flipping a switch, it’s not bad-to-good, it is such a work in progress. Even when you make strides and start to get to a better place, you can backslide a lot. So the tower is who he is, and the tower is 7/9ths love for his friends, and 1/9th hope, but there’s still a percentage of him that carries everything from the past, and knows that he should, and knows that he should not go back to where he was. And the way to do that is not to say everything is rainbows, but to remember it. The tower is just like an extension of who he is. He’s never going to forget the past, and he’s never going to be like, I’m good, or I’ve turned a corner. He should remember the past, and he should do better, always.”

Does Veth still believe it’s possible to get Molly back? Sam: “Well, she was a person trapped in another body for many years, so has some experience there, and definitely believes that the spirit and soul of Molly is in there and just needs to be unlocked somehow.”

Fan Art of the Week: an amazing group shot by HarpySN!

How are Caleb and Veth dealing with their guilt and fear about being in the middle of this? Sam: “It definitely was a deep conversation that might have repercussions going forward. The problem with all of what we’re doing now is that we don’t have time to deal with our petty problems anymore. It’s all high tension all the time!” Liam: “It’s true; they’re not in control of their situation at all anymore.” Sam: “It’s good to have these check-ins, but it’s not like we can do anything about them. We’re reactive right now.” Liam: “He’s not happy with where they are, but they wouldn’t even be this far if the goblin hadn’t pulled him out of the mud. So part of it is, you saved me from where I was and got me on my feet again, and now it’s disconcerting to see it all just get knocked sideways by something he never could’ve predicted. I think Caleb felt nostalgic for when things were simpler, in a way, for them, when we’re both troubled drifters.”

What was it like to see Gelidon’s return? Liam: “I am the least superstitious person at the table. Ashley’s dice suck.” Sam: “It was fun fighting a dragon!” Liam: “Two massive battles in one episode, neither of which came away with a victory. I guess surviving is a victory.” Sam: “I’d forgotten about the dragon, honestly.” Liam: “I loved it. I was so upset at the idea that we were going to stealth and not get into it.”Sam: “Mercer doesn’t keep a live dragon around and not do something with it. That dragon’s coming back.”

How do Caleb and Veth feel about going to see Essek? Sam: “He can be very helpful, I believe, but as Sam Riegel, a player of D&D, I’m super suspicious. What the fuck is Essek doing up there, so close, now? I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. And I can throw him pretty far because he floats.” Liam: “I 100% agree with you. I do not understand what Essek could bring to what we are going through. I know the audience loves him, I love him too. He’s a really cool character. But he’s fucking toxic. He out of curiosity caused a war between two nations. And Caleb has been changed for the good by the M9 from months of travel with them. Essek has had none of that. Caleb has changed for the good, but not because of people like Essek. Essek is where Caleb came from. We kept the lid on the pot during the whole treaty at sea and it almost all went fucking sideways, and only because we pressed him into a corner. I hope that guy finds some sort of balance and peace for himself, but I do not see how his input here would be helpful. There’s other heavy hitters that I would try to pull in.”

Liam notes that the Cloven Crystal is in the Bag of Holding. Sam: “Do I have Fluffernutter, or is Fluffernutter gone?” Liam: “Nope. 300 pounds of fireworks? Gone. A dead mage, a threshold crest, and fireworks.” Dani: “Your basic essentials.”

[knickynoo]

Marty McFly and Ferris Bueller meet and become friends.

Just how much trouble is society in, at that new blossoming friendship? And who is more likely to steal the DeLorean: Ferris, so he can skip school, or Cameron, so he can keep his dad’s Ferrari from being destroyed?

Hooo boy! What a question. Society is...in quite the pickle. I actually do have a few thoughts on this concept though, because my mind kind of goes in different directions when imagining a friendship between these two.

On the one hand, Marty and Ferris could make quite the troublesome pair given their rather extreme personalities. They're both all emotion, but sort of in different ways? Marty is very driven by his emotions in the sense that everything he feels is very BIG and all-or-nothing. He's either Very Happy or Very Afraid or Very Angry, and he especially seems to be in tune to and affected by the emotions of those around him. He will drop what he's doing and ignore his own feelings at the drop of a hat if somebody he cares about is in danger or needs his help.

Ferris is also very emotionally driven but like. In a "the more risks, the better", you only live once, high-on-life sort of way. He's the guy who springs out of bed in the morning with a smile on his face and goes, "Hmm, today I think I will go to the zoo, jump into the enclosure, and challenge the tigers to a race. Just for funsies." Ferris wants non-stop thrills in life. He wants to sweet-talk and manipulate as many adults and peers as he conceivably can. He wants to stare into the face of death and laugh. He is charming and calculated and fearless and sometimes comes across as bordering on psychopathic.

It is very likely that sticking Marty and Ferris together would result in Unbounded Shenanigans. They could run all over town, having wild, reckless fun. BUT! There is a part of me that genuinely believes Marty would want no part in Ferris's world or at the very least serve as the voice of reason of the two of them and keep Ferris in check. Primarily because, while Marty is very rambunctious and impulsive, he's also sensitive and introspective and anxious. I think his common sense would kick into gear when around Ferris and lead him to be like, "Um, this is a really dangerous/stupid/possibly illegal idea." Especially post-trilogy Marty who has been changed and made wiser from his travels. OH! And Marty is also shown to feel guilt very strongly (frequently apologizing to Doc for messing things up and claiming that things are all his fault), so I don't think he'd be too into any schemes or adventures that would involve deception or trickery. And if he did end up partaking, he would be wracked with guilt and probably personally apologize to every person he so much as mildly inconvenienced with his tomfoolery. If Marty is going to purposely lie or manipulate people, it's because his life/the life of someone he loves/ the space-time continuum is at risk.

Now, this isn't me trying to paint Ferris in a bad light or anything. He is funny and smooth and loves life, which helps to balance out the "huh, this kid is a brat" factor. I don't think he wants to intentionally drag his friends or innocent people into situations that can hurt them or end badly, but. Well, I think it's fair to say that Ferris is pretty self-centered. That his main focus is probably just what he wants and what he thinks is best/most fun, and repercussions are an afterthought? (not that Ferris faces any personal repercussions lol) Ferris has been spoiled and coddled so intensely by his parents that it's no wonder he's Like That. But you can't help but like the guy! He flashes a smile and you're like, "Okay, Ferris, here is my credit card and the keys to my house and car."

I digress. (I didn't know I had this many feelings about Ferris Bueller haha) I guess my final thoughts on the matter are: that if Marty lets his guard down enough, he could absolutely be roped into some Ferris Bueller Escapades, but he's nowhere near Ferris's level of...whatever it is you'd call the level that kid is on, so Marty would probably be the voice of reason more often than not. Which is a funny thing to imagine when you know what Marty is like, lol. But I think that only emphasizes how Out There and Intense Ferris is.

As for your second question, Ferris would totally be the one to steal the DeLorean and run willy-nilly through time, doing whatever he wants with approximately zero (0) thought as to how his actions may drastically alter the course of history or cause irreparable damage to time and space.

Thanks for the ask!

[faecaptainofdreams]

My plans for this morning were very different. I woke up with the intent to blissfully, happily work on my art, but upon reading this on Twitter first thing in the morning, it seems my plans have been shifted greatly. I wanted to ignore this and just go on with my day, but i can't. If i don't say what i need to, it will sully my experience as an artist, and i want to keep pure that which i am passionate about right this moment. When i read this, i went through a wave of emotions -- the most prominent ones being betrayal, anger, disgust, disappointment, and grief. So i started my day. I got out of bed, got dressed, took my medication, and let my dogs out, all while bitching at you in my head. I brushed my teeth, took a shower, and continued to rant and vent at you. Thought about everything i would say about the atrocity i had read, and my scorn. And then...i converted my shower into a bath. I laid in the water, submerged my ears like i love to do, and took some deep breaths. I made myself calm down... I thought about how to compile the image i would display here to say my piece, and turns out, it didn't take but a few taps. So now here i am, with my soup, toast and coffee breakfast, upstairs at the computer, my head bursting with paragraphs of opinions and emotions to express. Now i guess... I'll just get right to it. ----------------------------- Dear Mr. Cumberbatch,     It may not shock you to know that I'm Autistic, and female at that. Although you'll probably never see this, if you did, i wouldn't be surprised if that revelation would already cause you to believe my words are hollow, meaningless or that i'm too daft to understand why i'm upset. But in any case, what i have to say must still be said.        Every time a cis man i like opens his mouth, it brings me disappointment. Every time i come to love one of you, you always hurt me in the end. Your words, your opinions, your statements, your actions always come back to haunt myself and the communities you negatively impact. Your privilege gives you this sense of superiority, and so often you talk over the rest of us, and assume you know what's best. Everyone else is fodder one way or another, and the thing is, reading and re-reading and re-reading your ableist comments, i actually do not believe you're a hateful person. I believe you were out of your element, and that you feel Autism is something you can just put in a box and label easily. It's a concept that you don't understand, and so when some of us project onto the characters you bring to life, you fear it will have negative repercussions. Well, Benedict, i can assure you the only negative repercussions to be had were by the very words you've spoken on our behalf.        Autism is not something to be ashamed or afraid of. I do not consider it a disability for myself. Others may feel far more disabled by it, and some consider it their disability, but in the grand scheme of things, i suspect the term "disability" is thrown around by a society which values "ability" simply as of that to being able to work. Funnily enough, you even acknowledge that you feel someone with extra needs being forced into work is wrong. And that's where the problem truly arises. Because you see, we live in synthetic America; a country born and raised on the breaking backs of slaves and slaughtered Natives. A country that claims itself to be "first world," yet it so Capitalist greedy that its only form of self-support is to extort endless labor from the middle and lower classes. This country provides no good or free healthcare, mental or physical, and is decades behind in the battle against hunger and homelessness. Everything is complicated, and if you're not 100% healthy, able to work 12-16 hours a day, 7 days a week, you're useless. Unless of course, you happen to be rich and/or famous, like you, Benedict. Not that you don't work hard on your movies, not that you don't deserve your rewards, but to sit upon your throne of privileges and judge those of us here fighting for our lives, and pretend to understand something simply because you've "studied" it, is almost comically predictable.        It's funny, the study of Autism. A bunch of books, papers, thesis, scriptures, and documents written by white, neurotypical psychologists and behavioral therapists, and forlorn parents of Autistic children capturing their experiences in writing. Movies featuring Autistic people played by neurotypicals; we've seen it all. It's the stuff written and produced by actual Autistic people that is criminally overlooked, and cast aside as useless. When someone wrongs us, and we speak out about it, someone is always there to push back, and claim to know better than us. How can that be...? Looking at you, William Shatner and Sia. For the record, i'm still pissed about all that. I think about your horse's-ass behavior more than you know, or that i would like to admit.        So Benedict, how can you sit there and not realize what you said is...honestly just disgusting...? It starts off with you sounding empathetic, curious. You reference the 17-year-old with developmental challenges, and you say the word "shitting" as a descriptive of their experience of life. Now, i happen to be a lover of foul language, and i believe that words are made up, and cursing is something little to be offended by. But there is also context, and when discussing a real human being, with real human needs, with less capability than you... Is "shitting" really the appropriate way to express any sort of empathy for that person? You could've said "defecating," or "waste voiding," etc. Something medical, something professional, sensitive. But no. You chose "shitting." To most people, that goes over the head; it's just basic language, right? "You're reading into it too much," someone will surely tell me. But although i have no degree or fancy piece of paper handed to me by some old bearded guy as a reward for memorizing his endless lectures in some fancy school, believe it or not, i have awareness. I was raised to pay attention to the little details, to not ignore the little things that stick out to me. I am hyper-analytical, and verbal language means a lot to me. The use of "shitting" in this context tells me there's a true lack of sympathy or understanding. It reveals a lack of respect, both for the person and their situation. What was almost an intelligent, thoughtful statement was derailed fully by the use of one simple word that a person uses when they're uncaring, irritated, making fun, or making a point. The point you made was...unflattering, most especially to yourself.        I think the worst part about it is you kept fucking talking. Who are you to tell Autistic people how to think, how to feel, how to digest a character they feel a connection with? Who are you to believe it's dangerous, that it's like playing with fire? And what is this statement meant to be: --"going through the reality of it"? So...you believe that those of us who do not have severe developmental challenges aren't truly Autistic? Do you not understand the word "spectrum," or are you simply that one-dimensional? Can you possibly be that ignorant...? Benedict... You have understand, what you said there was...just uncalled for, unacceptable, and incomprehensibly idiotic. Who are you to say what defines Autism?        When i project the Autistic parts of myself onto Tony Stark, please know i don't actually believe Autism is only being an articulate, cold-seeming super genius with quick wit or difficulty expressing feelings. Pretty much the entire Autistic community knows that. But don't you think it's interesting, how so many Autistic people do project onto genius characters...? That we see ourselves in them? Does that not tell you something...? Because you see, Mr. Cumberbatch, we are intelligent, and we are brilliant. The trouble with us is our ability to communicate it, or be valued for our strong suits, as our strengths often lie outside the box. What our intelligence lies in is typically not valued by our labor-obsessed society, and thus many of us are doomed to failure on that alone. Intelligence is emotional, it's motion-based, it's physics-based, it's artistic, it's expressionistic -- it's anything and everything a person can master. Most of us may not be Tony Stark, or Sherlock Holmes, but sir i can assure you, those of us who see ourselves in these characters sees them for a reason. There's something beautiful we relate to.        Autism is about the coding and wiring of the brain. What others call an illness in me, i call beautiful. My Autism comes with struggles, yes, but what makes life hard as an Autistic person is not the Autism; it's the people around us. Did you know the mean life expectancy of an Autistic is roughly 40 years old? It's not because of the Autism. It's because we live in a world catered only to the neurotypical, where emotions and perception are one-dimensional, and those who are born different always pay the price. (The irony here is everyone treats us like we're stupid and talks over us, yet simultaneously demands we change and alter and disguise ourselves, and learn how to cope in a world that hates us, while neurotypicals throw a tantrum when we ask them to change or give us a break.) Our depression, our anxiety, our clinical habit of being misunderstood and disregarded by others, coupled with extreme self-awareness by many of us, leads to our inability to cope in this world. People don't kill themselves because they're Autistic, Benedict. We kill ourselves because no one listens to us, or has our backs, or believes our problems are real, simply because they're different. Many of us need more attention, care and understanding than others. Is that such a bad thing...? Am i so bad, because i have needs? Because i need affection? Because i need validation? Because i need more understanding for my heightened emotions and more surging hormones? Because when my body aches, it's more for me than the average person? Because i'm more sensitive to my environment?        People are entitled to feel that a certain task is too difficult for them. Autism can be tricky, it can be scary and hard to understand at times, and not everyone is equipped to deal with someone with more needs. But i can only have so much sympathy for parents of Autistic children, because those of us who have the capability to mask our Autism are forced into doing so our entire lives. Back in the day, people used to say "Wow, I couldn't even tell!" and, "I would've never guessed!" I used to think that was a compliment. Now, i realize how sad it is that i've grown up in a world where the only way to get by on the skin of my ass, is to be like everyone else. To pretend i'm not who i am, that my spirit isn't bigger than my little mortal body, that i'm not whimsical, colorful, musical, perceptive, unique, unfiltered, bold, loving. That i'm not all the things that make me beautiful as a person, because those things come with side effects, or because those things don't make me a worker, and the side effects are all anyone notices. It's those struggles people feel need to be erased, as if all human beings do not have faults, problems, and struggles. I'm so good at blending into the crowd... I don't like that anymore. The less Autistic i appear, the more enclined people are to love me. How horrible is that...?        Imagine not being loved for who you are by the world, Benedict. Imagine saying too much, or too little, or not making enough eye contact, or pausing too long, or info-dumping about the things you love, or just saying or doing or misinterpreting one little thing and instantly being thrown away and branded as "freak" because of it. Imagine needing a little extra validation or patience, and being told by your loved ones "get over it." That's not Autism's fault, that's not my fault. That's the fault of people who think the way you do. Who think we're all mindless one-year-olds in our minds, shitting down our legs, and are incapable of knowing what we want from those around us. Well i have news for you, Mr. Cumberbatch; even those with severe developmental challenges know what they want. We all want love. We all want to be cared for, and supported, and respected. I'll bet every cent i have that the most handicapped, most non-verbal, most thrown-aside-by-society Autistic person in the whole world, could be the happiest person on this fine planet, if they're surrounded by the right people. Nurturers, patient attenders, people who love them and play with them and care for them, who tend to their needs and just appreciate that that precious little life is here and thriving in such a harsh world. I think that no matter anyone's handicaps, developmental stage, or birth-given differentiation in life, anyone can be happy when they are surrounded by a loving, helpful, non-judgmental family, and most especially, a supportive society. And just for the record, that was the appropriate use of "shitting." In case you wanted to know.        You think Autism is a disability? I think it's a human evolutionary cry for help. I think it's how humans have diverged, because some of us are tasked with bringing attention to the plight of all of mankind. Maybe Autism is the underdog of Aquarius. Why should only neurodivergent people be allowed to have comfort items and toys and be allowed to rest at work, if they're allowed to work in the first place, or have those things at all? Why must every person in the world be this bizarre standard of "adult?" We are all human, we are all animals, we are all coded and programmed from birth to play, to be curious, to be compassionate. If children can understand the concept of fun, acceptance, and unconditional love so easily, why can't you? Why can't "evolved," "educated" adult men do the same? Why do we judge by things outside our societal norm? Why is my Autism something i have to mask...?        The things i love are who i am. Info-dumping is my love language, learning is my passion. You will never understand how beautiful it is inside my brain. You know... It's sad, how for years i have been made to feel that the way i focus on myself, and the fact that i love parts of myself and who i am, is something to be ashamed of. I'm "too into myself." Well now it occurs to me why i'm like this. I have to be, and i have to be loud about why i'm beautiful, because the world is against me. If i don't believe i'm amazing, then who on this big old rock will? I have to be loud about the fact that i am intelligent, that i am wonderful and deserve good things. For years i have battled endless, all-consuming guilt, depression and trauma over myself, swallowing my constant inferiority complex, because in the society i've been born into, there's no goddamn room for failure. The second i show weakness, i'm torn to shreds by the world. Sadly... "weakness" is defined today as simply not knowing how to do something. Even if it's basic, it doesn't mean i'm stupid, or weak. I'm just...different.        You will never know what glory toils in my mind. It's a vast, endless, bursting kaleidoscope of colors, stars, pulsating light, visions, faces, voices, songs, music, motion. It never ever ever ever is quiet in my head, except in very tiny moments. I find those moments to be...distressing. I need constant stimulation. The simple fact is i can handle that much motion in my head, because i was built for it. The average neurotypical hardly has dreams, let alone visions and revolutionary ideas. I dream all night, every night, nonstop. My world is paraded by shapes, i can see and dissect any color into every single one in the spectrum. My numbers and letters have genders, colors, personalities, and build and split to make new ones of all kinds. My characters are three-dimensional and layered, my imagination is limited only by the bonds i put on it. That which i cannot make visible is so extraordinary, and i work day and night every waking moment of my life to try and project it, because i know what i see is a piece of creation. I know i have something good to say and wonderful to share. I know that what goes on inside my head is magical, and i wish i could share it all! For years i've been ashamed to praise myself, to talk about myself, but goddammit at the end of the day, i love who i am! Flaws and all! I'm working on me; we all are. I'm making mistakes, i'm falling down and getting up, i'm making friends and having new experiences, i'm bursting with ideas and stories and there's so much i don't have words to describe!! I get excited -- so excited i jump around the room, i make weird squeaky noises and shake my hands, i jitter in place and sing and verbally stim. GOD that's magnificent! I'm so loud and excitable, i'm so passionate about being alive and being on Earth, about learning new things and opening my mind. I cry as easily as i laugh, i feel my emotions in my whole body. I'm an artist, a singer, a writer, a musician, i'm a great friend and a lovely daughter, and i have the spectacular ability to open my mind to new concepts, even if they're taboo or hard to look at. I'm not scared to question everything that falls before me, and pick it apart and learn about it. I accept that i don't know everything, and when someone tells me i'm wrong, i listen to them and try to see both sides of every argument. Sometimes...i simply never draw a conclusion, because some things are not up for me to decide. My mind is a fucking poetic novel. It's chaotic glory, it's never-ending optimism and love and sincerity, and care for the world. I'm intelligent and funny, i'm hyper-empathetic, i love humanity, i love animals, i love the planet. I love exploring, trying new things...        Not everyone is like me. So many Autistics i know don't emote the way i do. They don't feel their emotions in their whole bodies, or seldom feel them with much conviction at all. I know Autistics who can't mask like i can, who are far calmer, and who have more needs than me. I know ones who have more extremes, more outbursts, meltdowns, more needs. And they are so, so exceptional as human beings, and so gorgeous. They're so intelligent, brave, hard-working. They've been so unlucky. Not because they're Autistic, but because people have wronged them, misunderstood them, underestimated them, or overestimated them for the incorrect tasks. They express themselves and their beautiful minds in different ways than me. There are millions of levels to Autism, so much that i myself tend to not understand. But something i have learned is that just because someone doesn't emote or digest information the same way i do, doesn't mean it doesn't matter to them. It doesn't mean they don't feel, that their feelings don't get hurt, that they don't love, that they don't know when you talk about them. That they're not smart. That non-verbal 12-year-old in diapers may seem unassuming, but i'll bet big bucks he knows what you think of him. The incredible thing about Autistics is most of us are extremely self-aware, or extremely aware of how others perceive us. We just don't know how to tell you so.        I was always raised to be thankful i'm not "disabled" or have "worse conditions." Although i am disabled by something unrelated to my Autism, as i sit here, i don't give my family enough credit. Sure, being raised by traumatized boomers who don't understand me is rough, but my mother did her damn best, and is still trying. My father doesn't like to acknowledge my struggles, but he's never forced me to do something i've said i cannot do. He's allowed me to live under his roof, and i know he always will. I know they care; they just lack grace, and communication skills. They lack things i have nearly mastered at a third of their age, and i suspect it's because they gave me a better life than they were given. I'm not fortunate to not be disabled; i'm fortunate to be disabled, and to be Autistic, with a family that loves me and has helped me through very hard times, and continues to do so. We have our differences and our problems, but life could have been a lot worse for me. This doesn't invalidate my transgressions, but taking this time to say thanks... I needed it, and they deserve it.        I remember when i was in high school, i knew a boy in my classes who was Autistic. He was loud, he was fun, he spent his free time dancing around the school, pretending to be a Power Ranger. The other kids laughed at him, tricked him into doing things, took advantage of him, pretended to be interested in him while really making fun of him. I made friends with him. He was so open and kind, thoughtful, friendly, sweet. He always wanted to share his candy or food with me and others; his love language was precious. I always felt bad for him, but only because of how others treated him -- not because of his part on the spectrum. Imagine if all of us let go of that shame we're taught to have. Imagine if we were all comfortable to play pretend all day long, if we all were brave enough to talk about what we love, if we were all so welcoming like him. How can i sit there and call his bliss, his pure, childlike joy, a hinderance? Autism isn't bad. He isn't bad, my friends and loved ones aren't bad, my brother wasn't bad. People are bad...        It's hard for me to understand why people get so exasperated over a little info-dumping about random things and unique factoids. As invigorating as it is to hear the same story about my mom's work in care for the elderly every single day for two and a half years straight, it's unfathomable to me how comfortable so many people are with their ignorance. Talking about outer space, bees, plants, human evolution, and so on are fascinating things that, if we maybe all knew a little more about, would drive us to better ourselves and take care of the world. The entire point of being alive is to have experiences and to learn, so... Why is it something no one seems to want to do? Even about the little things? And what's wrong with special interests and hyper-fixating?        Sometimes, Mr. Cumberbatch, i think of myself very highly -- secretly. But what if i'm not wrong to do so? People assigned female at birth often have a higher pain tolerance and superior developmental achievements in order to withstand childbirth and survive in a dangerous world where the opposite sex constantly threatens them. I realize you get the easy, happy task of simply ejaculating and then sitting by for nine months while the AFAB carries the offspring and then pushes it out of their body, then feed it with their own body, but does this not make the AFAB a superior human specimen? Perhaps not, but at the very least, we deserve to be seen as equals, and regarded for the power of our bodies, and our emotional maturity. So what if i, as an Autistic, have a superior mind to many neurotypicals? To even you, possibly? I may not be college-educated, and couldn't graduate with anything more than the standard high school diploma on account of a cruel math teacher being unhelpful and ableist to the point that i failed her math class and lost a credit, and perhaps i am the mistress of run-on sentences like this one, but my mind is already far more open than yours, and while being so much younger than you! With having less experience in the "real world," with "real Autistic plight." But sure, go on, tell me more about how you know better than i or my fellow Autistics. Tell me more about how your ego is impacted by us seeing something beautiful and different about ourselves in the characters you play.        It was just a couple weeks ago i was raving about you. I was so excited to see you in No Way Home, i was going on about how Dr. Strange is my comfort movie, how "sexy" i think the character is, etc. The hope i had. The love i had. The inspiration your character has given me, my adoration for him, my excitement for Multiverse of Madness. And then i read this and i'm... so hurt. I am now in my third hour of stewing on this, venting, and getting it out of my system, because my head being full of color and emotion has two sides to that coin. The bad has to come out, too, and it takes time. I think the funny part is is in Dr. Strange, you play a character who is arrogant, who sees himself before the bigger picture, and has to be constantly told "it's not about you." And at the end of the day, you came away from that experience seeming to not absorb the message. You are a smart, talented man with a humungous platform -- you could be doing some real good!You wanna know what i think? I think you're not a bad person. I think you have too much privilege as a man in your position, and not enough people have informed you that your opinion is misguided, toxic, and dehumanizing, because not enough people realize that simple fact, too. We all say hurtful things, we all make mistakes and put ourselves first at inappropriate times. I can forgive you for this, i can forgive ignorance and arrogance, but only if you're willing to show progress. Only if you're willing to open your mind, to listen, rather than speak over us. And for the love of God, if you do get into good habits, don't donate to or support Autism Speaks. Just please, please don't. Take my word for it when i say, we Autistics know why we hate it, and that it's bad for us.        I like to think i'm a very forgiving and understanding person. I don't think you're a bad guy, Benedict Cumberbatch. I want to see you be a better person, i want to see you make it up to my community, to broaden your perspective. A hollow apology isn't something i or anyone else is surely interested in. Proof of change, of betterment, is what i personally would feel better seeing. Don't be another guy i have to let go of, Benedict. Please be different...        We're not going to stop seeing ourselves in brilliant characters. You saw what happened with Chris Pratt, right? People only made his character more gay and anti-religion! If you try to push us down, we will only push our feelings and thoughts onto your characters more. The thing of it is, is that's not actually a bad thing. We don't need some "official" to declare Strange or Holmes or whoever you've played as "officially Autistic." What we've done so far is enough, and for the record, i don't really want a neurotypical to play Autistic characters. I have seen it before, and i find it degrading. It's simply not an experience you can relate to at all if you are not Autistic. Just like i cannot relate to being a person of color, or transgender, and would not like to play those roles. And i know no one wants to see how i would portray a cisgendered, heterosexual white man. But if i were to play a character, and someone saw a part of themselves in me or my character, even if it were something i do not relate to, i would feel honored. I would feel i did someone justice, and encourage them. So don't assume we're hurting ourselves or one another. Just sit back, listen, and broaden your state of mind. You don't need to approach a role going "is this Autism?" That's...ridiculous, as is the sentiment.        I know you'll never see this... I wish you would. I wish we could talk about it like adults, have a mature conversation. I wish i could talk to Sia, and Shatner, and discuss with them why it's not their place to assume they know best. But for now, this is all i have. I can only keep being loud, and fighting for myself, and my son, and my friends, and those like me. For my Autistic brother who is dead, for everyone who doesn't live up to the standards of the world. May my brother rest in peace, my all of those like me who have lost their lives due to the odds being against them rest in peace. May this world change for the better.                                --Signed,                                    One Fierce Autistic.