#we talk so much about what we can tolerate in friends and acquaintances these days but i dont think thats really it

[britneyshakespeare]

Sorry I can't stop talking about that ex-mutual who went off on me last night (well really I only made that one, really long and rambly, pretty over-repetitive post about it) but it's been like just running through my mind because of how hurtful that was from someone that on some level I did consider a friend. Not like a close friend who knows everything about me, in fact as I stated to exhaustion in that post I made earlier, the part that really got me was how much they were illustrating that they DON'T really know about me, how much they just ASSUME without ever having heard or seen confirmation from myself. And how unkind those assumptions were. But I did like them (do? I still have sympathy for them as a person and don't wish them any ill...). I cherished the thought of our online friendship we shared around the time I was 18-20ish or so, and even if we never kept in constant conversation (in fact, before I replied to their message last night, we hadn't chatted through DM since early 2021, if that's saying something). I'm sure they still did/do feel that way about me and this isn't easy on them, that they feel hurt by my posts in some way, etc. I did not go on a rant to them, though, attacking their moral character, calling them a coward who can't take criticism and refuses to learn and grow. I told them I think it's ok if we grow apart and though I still hold my differing opinions from them, it's ok to be upset at me for that. But don't bring it to me.

I would've seriously just preferred it if they unfollowed and left. All I keep thinking about these past couple of hours of marinating on it is: entitlement. I've crossed a line because I don't post about issues in the way they would like me to, and ultimately I still will be voting for Kamala Harris. They maintained that much very firmly even after I replied to their first message saying that they were putting a bunch of words in my mouth and not acknowledging how little they actually know about my views and actions in the real world, off of Tumblr; that I might have ways of caring about and engaging with things that are specifically not on my personal blog because of how toxic some zealous communities on this website can grow to be. They still felt the need to attack me at length for all the things I, in their opinion, "support" because I choose to vote for "a fascist" (meaning Harris). Their opinion that both sides are truly the same is the only logical answer and I'm not trying hard enough to be a good person if I don't agree with that. But that's what makes them presumptuous. That's not what makes them entitled.

I feel like the fact that they really did think well of me at one point, that we shared emotions and kind words with each other, that we talked about music and poetry and all sorts of matters of sensibility together, is why they felt the need to bring that to me. When we feel an attachment to someone, even someone we may be lacking a lot of information about, but there's that mutual sympathy there... we feel that we are invested in them. They (and I) felt that the two of us, as friends, reflected each other's values and sense of self. To be honest I was getting annoyed at some of their posts, too, that were basically fatalist about the US Democratic party and how nothing has ever actually changed since Tr mp left office. I simply don't agree with that analysis, and I didn't know how to sensitively bring that up with someone who I did respect and care for as an individual. They were asserting things that basically implied our views were irreconcilable; and yeah, I basically agree that if you're going to call me essentially a g n cide apologist, I don't really know how to reconcile that with you. I don't think that's what I am; they do. They discussed that because they felt that way they were no longer open to a dialogue (one which I never had brought up to them personally) in their reply to my response to their ask, and blocked me afterward. Well, I think it's ok to not be open to a dialogue. In that case, I really don't know how to defend myself. We're on two entirely different levels of interpretation if mild support of Kamala Harris's presidential campaign is seen as akin to me denying g n cide to you. If that's the angle you're approaching me with, I don't want to have a dialogue with you, either. I don't think one in good faith is possible at that point.

They got angry at me though not just for my differing opinion, but for the disappointment they felt in me for it. I ruined the Diana they had so much respect for. Their initial message reminded me so much of when fans hound celebrities to speak on particular issues they may not know anything about. But at least if you're, like, asking the lead singer of your favorite band to speak about a currently topical issue, you probably are falling back on the argument of thinking they have a higher status to their audience that they're neglecting to use for good. Or maybe they've seemed to do and say things in the past that make their current silence seem hypocritical. I don't particularly agree with the former argument, that every celebrity should use their "platform" to raise awareness for certain causes. There are some times when I think calling on a celebrity to speak on this or that specific thing is just kind of silly. I tend not to proclaim instances where I feel that way publicly, because I don't want to trivialize the issue or the fans' feelings. But there's also the parasocial hurt I've seen some people display when they suddenly interpret a person's silence, or (in their perception) 'inadequate' statements and actions, as genuine indifference. That tends to make fans actually angry, the disappointment that this person they admire could be 'doing better' but isn't. I was told by this person that I'm 'not even trying to do better' when we had never had a conversation about what I'm actually 'doing' or thinking or feeling, even a single time. They let their impression of me fester in silent resentment before finally snapping at me about all the things I never actually said to them.

I'm sure they felt like they had reached their limit of tolerating me, and reaching out was only so they could feel like they had some closure. That they had said their piece to a person they cared about but could no longer associate with. I don't think they actually considered what use their message would actually have to me. That it would be hurtful to be accused of all these moral failings by someone I used to just talk about Jane Austen books with. Someone I shared my poetry and feelings with when I was younger. They must have been feeling 'betrayed' at me for not living up to the expectations and standards they set for me, for not being the idealized friend that I must've seemed when we were in our late teen years. But I am feeling shock and confusion at the sudden void of sympathy or benefit of the doubt being directed towards me from someone I once mutually regarded somewhat highly and rather affectionately.

It didn't have to have been a deep friendship, where we shared all aspects of our life with each other, for this to be hurtful to me or for my words to have been hurtful to them. I'm sure they felt so angry at me because they do think I'm a smart and sympathetic person that they expect 'better' from. But I'm really not your confirmation bias friend. None of the sweet but somewhat shallow memories they once respected me for has to be null and void now because I'm not sufficiently radical in my politics for them. And again, I do think that they were under the impression that they knew my current thoughts and personal philosophies a lot better than they do, because of how much more of an open book I used to be on this website when we first started following each other. I never made some announcement that I was going to start being more reserved about certain things, guys, so, like, don't act like you know everything about me. Because should I have to? I don't have a "platform" or really any meaningful social status on this website. But they still thought I wasn't doing "enough" with it because they interpret my blog as being more intrinsically linked to my actual life than it is. My social status to them was the good opinion they had of me, that I soiled by disagreeing with them in principle about electoral politics.

I'm not less smart or kind than I used to be. That's really not how I make sense of people I mostly like, but who have done or said something I deplore and that disappoints me deeply. You don't have to abandon all faith in the individuals you love. People do not always make sense with your own moral compass, but you can still tell when they're not evil. And I don't think they think I'm evil. I don't think they're evil. None of the sympathy I ever had for them is gone. I'm just honestly hurt and confused. I don't understand why they thought it was appropriate to take up their issues with me in the way that they did.

And again, in every single timeline, I would rather have just been disappointed to see that a once-respected mutual has unfollowed me, after some years of growing apart and changing, than I would to be hurt by someone dramatically going off on me about how they can't be friends with me anymore because I'm just not good enough for them.

[gguk-n]

Chapter 5- Racing for Love

Unravelling Max's Mystery (Max Verstappen x Online Friend!Reader)

Series Masterlist

Summary- Y/N spends her time in Netherland with Max while his girlfriend no where to be seen. They spend Christmas and New Year together. Y/N can't get over Max; maybe it's for the best. Max realised he loves her.

{Reader's POV}

I headed back to the hotel after the race to get dressed and meet up with Max. Every one was going to be celebrating Max's win at the club. All the drivers were also joining, making it the perfect opportunity for us to meet. I was so excited. I wore a navy blue body con midi dress, it made me look and feel hot. I had told Max I'd meet him there, yet he insisted on picking me up. I was almost done getting ready when Max knocked on my door. I opened it to a much cleaner Max. I grabbed my purse and headed out with Max. "Is your girlfriend in the car?" I asked walking along with him. "No" he answered and then we walked in silence to the car. On the way there I asked again, "Is she meeting us there?" "No" he replied shortly. "Why?" I asked again. "She went back home" Max said in a tone that meant he didn't wanna talk about it anymore.

At the party, I had a lot of fun. I got to meet everyone who were very kind, welcoming and funny. They were all shocked that Max had a friend for so long that no one knew about, Charles and Lando included. We laughed, we drank, Max was pretty sober, not having touched a drink since we got there. "Why aren't you drinking?" I slurred having gulped down my previous shot of vodka, I'd lost the count of how much I had to drink since I got handed a glass as soon as one finished. "I drove here, we need to drive back to the hotel" he replied. "OHHHHH, LET'S DANCE" I shouted over the loud music. "You should go, I'm good here." Max replied while preventing Lando from toppling over. I sauntered my way to the dance floor, a guy had made my acquaintance as soon as I started dancing and we were having a lot of fun until, Max came dragging me back to where we were sat. "Max, I'm having fun. Lemme go" I whined trying to pull my hand away from his but drunk me wasn't very strong. "Drink some water and then we're leaving." he stated. "What? But we just got here. Look at all those bottle" I pointed at the bottles behind the bartender, "I need to sample those" I cried. "You can sample the alcohol later. We don't want you to get alcohol poisoning." he said shaking his head. "I have a good tolerance. SEE" I said while finally breaking free from him to try to walk in a straight line only to fail miserably and almost fall. I was only saved by Max's crazy fast reflexes, who caught me at the right moment and carried me over his shoulder back to his car, all the while I was screaming. "PUT ME DOWN....MAXIE.....YOU'RE MAKING ME DIZZY....PLEASE....I THINK I'M GONNA puke" I puked as soon as he put me down next to his car; thankfully having the brain to stop myself from puking all over his expensive car. I brushed the back of my right hand against my lips after puking, "Thank god I didn't puke on your car. haha. I don't think I can afford to clean it" I laughed. He handed me a bottle of water and got me in the car after that. The hang over wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be; maybe because Max got me medicines to help.

I spent the next few days in Zandvoort going to some of the very few places Max was allowed to go and have fun as a kid. We even went go karting. It was a shitty feeling racing against a World Champion since that idiot can't just enjoy the race. He had to make everything a competition. How did he expect me to win when this was the first time I was karting while he did this as a living for many years. We had bet on the fact that the loser had to do whatever the winner wanted; in all my confidence I had said yes, I had forgotten that my opponent was Max Verstappen. Yet, when he won after one pout, Max forgot he's the winner and let me get what I wanted since it was technically cheating since this wasn't his first time and it was mine. So, that's how we ended up watching Barbie at the end of the day. As I wiped away tears, I saw that Max was also wiping away tears. I'm never gonna let him hear the end of this.

The next few days were a blur, I tried to make the best of the situation since I wasn't sure when I would get to meet Max again. I packed up my stuff, a question still lingered on my mind; where the fuck was his girlfriend?. So, I decided to have this conversation in the car where he wouldn't be able to escape me like he did the last few days. Max carried my stuff to his car and loaded it in the car. I sat down on the passenger seat waiting for Max to come. We drove off towards the airport when I said, "Maxie, I haven't seen your girlfriend since the race. I was really looking forward to getting to know her" "Oh, umm" he sighed, "Actually, we broke up" he said while looking straight ahead. "What? Why? Is it because you hugged me first at the race. Fuck, should I apologise?" I rambled. "Schat, nonsense. We hadn't been getting along for a while. I'd been thinking about breaking up with her for a while, it just happened when you were there. It's not your fault" he clarified. My shoulders sank while I waited to get to the airport. I bid Max a good bye and he promised to come visit or have me visit during the off season. I promised to meet him soon. With a heavy heart, Max disappeared in the crowd as I walked into the airport.

We went back to our previous routine of talking on video calls. I ended being spoiled a lot more now that he knew where I lived because I would come home to a new package I didn't remember ordering at my front door when I returned from work. If I asked him why, and he'd just shrug it off and say that it was something that reminded him of me when he was in that country for the race. After a few packages, it was overwhelming me. I felt like I was using my rich friend for financial gain. We were on call after I had opened up a package I got from Brazil. Y/N- Max, you can't keep sending me so much stuff. There was a box full of trinkets and snacks from Brazil. Max- It was nothing, did you like it? Y/N- No Max- oh ok, what do you want? I can get that for you? Y/N- Maaaaxxxxx, that's not what I meant. You have to stop sending me stuff now. It's getting over whelming. Max- But...I just wanted to bring a little something back from every race. Y/N- Yes, do that for yourself. Not me Max- I've always wanted to take you along to races and bring you stuff back from races since I've known you. Now that I can, let me make up for all the lost time. Y/N- I get the sentiment Max, I do, but no. It's making me feel crappy since I'm not able to get you anything. I enjoy our friendship, I do not want to feel like I'm using you. Max- You're not using me. I'm using myself, honestly. Y/N- I don't want to come home to anymore packages any more. If you really want to get me something, think about it for a couple time. One or two items that you would like to get for me, is perfectly fine. Max- Ok...I really wanted to get you things though. Y/N- You can tell me about your weekend. I'll listen but this is overbearing to me. Finally he got what I meant.

We ended up making a plan for the off season. Max had won the season with the amount of points he had scored. It was a given that he was gonna be the World Drivers Champion for 2023. So, I wanted to celebrate it with him. He offered to fly me out to Abu Dhabi for the race which would not be possible since I had work. That's why we planned to spend the Christmas break together. I did suggest leaving a few days before Christmas so he can spend it with his family but he was vehemently against it. I had started Christmas shopping in November, could've done it earlier. I got Max an ugly Christmas sweater with the grinch and a matching one for myself. It would be like a friendship bracelet. We would be spending the holiday in Monaco because of the privacy and I wanted to get away from here for a few days at least. I kind of wanted to clear my feeling for Max during this trip too. Being on the receiving end of Max's affection with gifts or the phone calls wasn't easy when you were in love with him. He made it so difficult to try and get over him when he would sweet talk his way back into my heart whenever I thought I didn't like him in that way.

I had sent my collection to the author I was editing for currently since she wanted to read it ever since I mentioned that I wrote. I sent her the email a couple days after going over the collection one last time. It was exciting and nerve wrecking. Maybe getting the opinion of a fellow author would help me make it better and improve it, if need be.

The last race of the season was upon us. Max was crowned the World Driver's Champion for the third time. I texted him as soon as the race ended and congratulated him. I couldn't believe that I got to witness a Max win. The day couldn't get any better when I got a call from the author I was editing for who said that she loved the collection of poems I sent her and she wanted to help me get it published under the publication she worked for. She had been working for that publication for so long and was the biggest earner that they couldn't deny her request. In her defence, she said that the poems were so good that any one stupid would only reject it. I was asked to edit it and the author was an angel to help me out. Her reasoning was that this was a mutually beneficial relationship since she hadn't enjoyed working with someone as much as she enjoyed working with me.

Winter break couldn't come any sooner. I had packed my bags; no work, done with my editing side gig. I couldn't wait to hang out with Max. The flight there felt so long, maybe it was the excitement of wanting to see him. Max was waiting for me at the airport when I got there. A big smile on his face as I walked towards him. I wrapped my arms around his neck as I hugged him. He twirled me around a little before putting me down. We walked back to the car with my bag in Max's hand. The ride there was filled with a lot of talking on Max's part. Hearing him go on about what he loved was the warmest feeling. "The cats are so excited to see you" he said. "So, you aren't?" I joked. "What no" he was flustered. "I'm excited to." he mumbled a tint of red visible on his cheeks. My heart leapt in my chest as I watched him blush. What if I wasn't delusional? What if he liked me? I thought.

At his home, the cats were a little cautious of the stranger that had entered their space but recognised me quickly by my voice and a few hours later I was sat with both of them sat on either side of me; petting the two with both of my hands. Max snapped a picture of us sat on the couch. "Can't believe this is the life you live" I said petting his cats, a soft purring exuding from both. "Having cats is the best thing ever" I almost screamed from excitement. Max laughed. "I might kidnap them" I suggested. Max shook his head, "You will do no such thing"

The next few days leading up to Christmas were a a blur, we spent time around the city, walking around and site seeing. Max was a great tour guide since he stored the most random information in his head. He gave me a quick history lesson on a lot of the places we went to. We walked along the track in Monaco since I wanted to. We went hiking; I was very out of shape is the conclusion I've come too. We spent the day leading up to Christmas cooking at home and decorating the place. This was the first time since I moved out from my parents place did I end up celebrating Christmas.

We ended up sleeping on the couch as we watched Christmas movies after tiring our self out with the decoration. I woke up in Max's arms, a warm fuzzy feeling erupted in my stomach as I watched soft snores emit from Max's lips. I carefully pried myself out of Max's grasp. When I returned, I found a disheveled Max sat on the couch. "where did you go?" he asked while rubbing his eyes. "I had to pee" I said, now sitting down on the couch beside him. "Should we open presents?" I asked. "Lemme freshen up" Max mumbled while getting up. He came back, much more awake and with 2 cups of coffee for us. We drank in silence until Max brought his present for me from under the tree and handed it to me. There were a few actually; a book on Formula One with Max's face on it, a pendent with a sapphire stone and a stupid coffee cup saying 'best friends forever'. I smiled as I held the cup against my lips acting like I was sipping coffee. "Thank you Maxie" I said. He just smile. "Now, it's your turn." I said. He grabbed the other presents; which included an ugly sweater, a Sid from Ice Age plushy and a perfume from Max's favourite brand. "These are a lot of things" he said. "Yeah, I wanted to spoil you" I smiled. "I feel spoilt" he smiled back. "I got us matching ugly sweater" I said while going to grab mine. We ended up putting our sweaters on. "I didn't tell you but I got signed by a publication" I said while Max inspected his sweater. He looked up with shock and happiness in his eyes. He quickly hugged me, "I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it" he said while hugging me. I hugged back, "Thank you for believing in me" I said with tears in my eyes.

Christmas was a weird day, we had Turkish kabab because Max wanted to. I wasn't one to say no to delicious food. The days between Christmas and New Year were a bit of a blur honestly. On new year's eve, we went out with a couple of his friends. I had decided not to drink my weight in alcohol. As we all counted down the time to new year, the excitement palpable. When the clock struck 12, I was pulled towards the guy next to me who had made acquaintance much to Max's dismay. He pressed his lips against my lips, easing me into a kiss. When I pulled away to look at Max, who's eyes flashed hurt. I hugged Max wishing him a happy new year. We left a little while later. Max was uncharacteristically quite as we drove home.

We never spoke about the silent treatment Max gave me on the way back from the club. I left Monaco a few days after. Our friendship returning to it's long distance status. With Max having to train for the next season and me having to prepare for school and my book.

The next few months were a blur with both of us quite busy. Max kept is his streak of winning the races and watching him win was a proud feeling. He would call me at the end of the day to discuss what happened and I enjoyed listening to him even though I didn't know shit about cars.

I spent the entirety of my spring break and summer break with Max, travelling to his races; which he insisted I joined. The feelings I had for him only grew. I tried to keep myself in check but all the small things he would do made it impossible. He was caring and sweet and kind, and most of all my first love that I had a hard time moving on from.

His summer break was spent lounging around my house. He accompanied me to the launch of my book; going as far as to promote it on his socials. People had started to speculate that there was something going on in between us. Max didn't really answer those questions or even try to kill the rumours. He got me a big bouquet of my favourite flowers when he came to the book launch. We went out for dinner to celebrate; ending up on all the tabloids the next day. I apologised to Max about the mess but he was unbothered, a little smile played on his face after he read the articles but nothing more.

After the summer break, Max was flying out to Netherland, for his home race. I couldn't join him due to there being a few tests I needed to grade but promised to be there for the race. I flew in the morning of the race, Max showing up at the airport to pick me up. He wouldn't let me be on my own, if he was there. We caught up on the stuff that happened in the 2 days we didn't speak. It felt like routine talking to Max. If we didn't, it felt like my day had gone my horribly and everything that could go wrong would go wrong. There was comfort in Max's voice and his arms whenever he hugged me.

I accompanied Max to the paddock, the cheers loud. Last year, was the first time I was here, this year it felt so familiar even though it was only my second time. Max wasn't starting pole but he could still finish first since he was in the front row. The race started off with Max over taking Lando at turn 1. The chance of Max wining his home race for the fourth time seemed more likely. But as the race went on, Max lost his P1 to Lando who kept the distance between him and Max a constant. Making Max finish P2, the way he started. He got out of the car to find me and his team waiting for him. I mouthed a congratulations as he walked towards me. He had tears in his eyes, "I wanted to ask you out as a race winner." he said wiping his tears. My heart skipped a beat; "You can still ask me out" I suggested. "But I'm scared of what you'll say" he muttered. "My answer would be the same, whether you were P1 or P2" I said. "And what's that?" he asked expectantly. "I would love to go out with you, Maxie" I said with a smile and tears in my eyes. Max almost jumped when he heard me, "Go on and finish up. We have a lot to talk about" I said pushing him towards the media pen.

I was waiting in his driver's room just like last year. But this time it was different, there were butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't stop smiling. I found myself pacing around the room, imagining what we would say. I was pulled out of my thought by Max now standing at the door. "Hi" he greeted shyly. "Hey" I replied, sitting on the sofa followed by Max. We sat facing each other, he took my hands in his, "Lifde, I can't believe this" he began. "me neither" I chimed in. "I've liked you for so long, I don't remember a time I didn't like you since I've known you" I continued. Max couldn't help but smile. "I didn't think you felt the same" I said. "I didn't think you felt the same either." He added. "Y/N I really wanted to win this race and ask you out as a race winner." He sulked. "You're already a race winner and a three time champion at that. I couldn't ask for more. Plus I couldn't care less; to me you'll always be a winner" I said. He took my face in his hands, "Can I kiss you?" he asked softly. I nodded. His lips inched closer to mine before they touched, our eyes fluttered close, his lips dry and chapped against my soft shiny glossed lips. Our lips moved in synchrony, tilting our head as we deepened the kiss. His hand trailing down from my cheek to my waist to pull me closer, I was now sat on his lap. I pulled away breathless, our foreheads touching, breaths intermingling, eyes locked; "I love you Y/N" he stated. "I have for a while. I didn't know how to say it. I'm glad not winning pushed me over the edge" "I love you too, Maxie. Can't wait to celebrate your fourth championship" I said. "You think?" he asked. "I know" I said, cupping his cheeks to kiss him again. His hands on my waist pulled me closer, as if it was even possible. "Will you be my girlfriend?" he asked in between kisses. "Yes" I breathed out as we continued to kiss.

When god sends blessings, it becomes hard to count. I got the man of my dreams and the stepping stone to my career goals.

[gyuswhore]

the story of us ✦ j.w.w x reader

the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now - the story of us

synopsis: So many walls that you can't break through; except you do.

wc: 2.1K

contains: best friends to lovers, angst, fluff, humour, happy ending, alcohol, arguments

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[a/n]: im exhausted, im loopy, im hungry, but i really wanted to post this so here you go my babies I'm sorry i haven't fed you in so long (ty @toruro for making sure i wasn't talking out of my ass in this ily)

[edit; 11/04/24]: grammar and spelling.

Jeon Wonwoo was nearing boiling point when he watched you push him away from yet another conversation.

He tried to understand, just like he always had. But it was proving near impossible at the five-month mark. 

There were clear signs you exhibited when you needed space, for whatever reason, Wonwoo knew you would tell him when you recovered. So he gave you what you needed.

And yet, when he finds himself pushed away from what looks like a casual conversation between your mutual friends, he finds his mild annoyance grow into something hotter. 

There’s a clench in his jaw as he tries not to squeeze the red cup in his hand with too much pressure, even when all the spiteful bit of his brain wants to do is to pour its pigmented contents all over your cream outfit. He manages to control himself, choosing to get up and exit the premises entirely. In complete silence, he refuses to acknowledge any yell of his name from passing acquaintances. 

Jeon Wonwoo refused to respond to any of your advances after that. 

Invitations to lunch were left on a jarring sent, the notification sitting in his log until he chooses to open it too late. His response was bare when you asked for help on some accounting concepts, pushing you over into Jihoon’s hands to fulfill your requirements. There’s a blatant shrug when you touch his shoulder, concerned, asking why his behaviour had become so distant in the past weeks; he responds with a mumble of, “just tired”.

The great divide happened a few days proceeding your birthday, one for which Wonwoo did nothing for but send you a quick message during the evening, never to see you throughout the extended day. 

“I can’t believe you’re putting this on me!” you all but yell, eyes wide and expression exasperated at the situation.

“Are you blind? Or just plain stupid? Because I didn’t tolerate months of your shit attitude to have you say it isn’t your fault.” Wonwoo is breathing heavily, hands motioning towards your entire figure with equal disbelief.

“What attitude?” you emphasize. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I couldn’t be upfront with my best friend.”

“There’s a difference between being in a mood and blatant disrespect. I’m tired of having to put up with your mood swings like it’s my responsibility to coddle you. When was the last time you genuinely asked me how I was doing?”

“All the time!”

“Yeah, after you realize there's nobody else to whine and wail to!”

“Wonwoo, you’re being ridiculous.”

“Fine. If I’m clearly so unhinged, I’ll leave you to your liking.” 

The dwindled interactions, from messages to hellos, went from sparing to nonexistent — just like that. 

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t expect for you and Wonwoo to reconcile in the matter of a few days, if not a couple weeks.

But when the distance did nothing but grow larger, there was a settle of resentment in the pit of your stomach as you accepted the feud you were in. 

A text was sent from your phone a couple days after the incident.

[You]: can we talk?

But when you see no sign of the grey Delivered on the end, you knew he had blocked you. 

This was all nothing less than baffling to you for a number of reasons, starting with how you had never witnessed Wowoo acting this way. 

Wonwoo had done nothing but reprimand you the rare chance you suggested blocking an apprehensive individual, something about not showing that you cared. His voice seemed redundant after a certain decibel, the rarest chance to witness him yell at a failed video game or a frustrating professor. 

You know better, which is the only reason you’re ruling off paranormal possession. 

The claims against you came as an afterthought, not, however, rendering them any less strange. There’s a part of you that pondered if your shield of annoyance blocked you from seeing the truth in his words and in your behaviour, finding yourself overwhelmed with emotions when the thought crossed your mind, tears of frustration immediately blurring your vision. 

You did not understand, you could not. And when it all got too much, you allowed the hurt and confusion to turn into something more dangerous. You replaced it with anger, in the same place that once occupied a more delicate emotion. 

There was an uproar in Wonwoo’s mind when he sees you walk into the lecture hall, unaware of your overlapping schedule in the new semester. He watches as your eyes pass over the moderately packed space, briefly glancing over where he sat; if you saw him, you did nothing to bring a reaction out of it. You take a seat a few rows up front, right in front of him where he’s able to see the back of your head for the next two hours — for the rest of the semester. 

He wonders if it’s too late to switch classes. 

“Wonwoo, I honestly think this is getting out of hand.” Jihoon munches on his cashews, leaning against bark of the tree they were both sat under. 

“Did you want me to keep tending to her bullshit then?” he grumbles.

“That’s not what I’m saying, you know it’s not.”

“That’s what it sounds like.” Wonwoo’s retort is brisk.

Jihoon is suddenly snapping his fingers in his face at the reply, a flinch accompanies Wonwoo’s already sour expression. 

“See! See how frustrating it is when somebody isn’t making sense?” 

“How does this—” 

“Wonwoo, did you try talking to her about how you felt, you know, without the screaming?” 

Jihoon watches as Wonwoo’s expression clears out, his eyebrows unfurrowing and the scowl fading. He doesn’t speak, choosing to let the realization kick in.

“No.” 

Jihoon sighs, taking another pause. “I’m not saying what she did wasn’t uncalled for, but you need to talk shit out before deciding you hate each other.”

“I don’t hate her.”

“Right, so can we wrap this up quickly and have you confess your undying love so we can all relax.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Heat crawls up Wonwoo’s cheeks.

“What? If you don’t hate her, it’s gotta be the opposite.”

Did Wonwoo like you? Yeah, he probably did. Did he ever let himself ponder upon it? No, because he was downright mortified of the mere thought. He finds himself a hypocrite to say it was to preserve your friendship, but he figures he’s fucked it up in a way that’s arguably worse. 

Regardless, Wonwoo walks away from that conversation with two things: a stark realization, and an even starker admittance. 

Everything was going wrong. At least that’s what it felt like when you hear the clang of your water bottle hit the pavement, rolling off into the oncoming traffic as you sprint to grab it. You nearly cause a vehicle pile-up, swallowing a couple profanities from braking drivers. 

You’re stuffing the darn thing into your bag when you trip on a loose brick on the path, nearly landing on your face. The glare you send into the pavement costs you even more when a hard shoulder bumps into your side, sending you another couple steps back. You don’t bother to see who the perpetrator is, too preoccupied with your attempts to take in deeper breaths amid the blankness of your mind. 

There are no hiccups after that, what you might owe your more conscious mind to. Stomping up the library steps, you thank nothingness for the air conditioning that meets your hot face, slowing down as you take in the crowd. 

Scanning the room for an empty seat is harder than you’d anticipated, hoping the heat would keep students away from the building as you left to get work done. Approaching a table, you set down your bag with a huff, pulling the chair out to finally take the seat you’ve been needing for so long. 

The universe seems to have other plans. 

It’s almost funny the way you and Wonwoo make eye contact across the other table, the recognition sending a jolt through your stomach. 

You’ve never moved so fast, pushing the chair back in with a screech that earns you a few looks, grabbing the handles of your bag as you turn around to leave the building you’d just entered. 

No way you'd sit there. Not when he was around.

You're bounding down the steps when somebody passes you, murmuring something without slowing their stride.

“I’m leaving, you can go inside,” Wonwoo says, and the sound of his voice has you halting almost immediately.

Whipping your head around to search for the sound, you watch as he takes a turn at the end of the steps, slowly moving out of your vision. 

There’s a swirl of something in your chest, and you realise in that moment how much you missed hearing his voice. 

Chiding yourself, you blink back the water that wells up in your eyes, embarrassed at how quickly you were losing yourself.

But the damage was done. And you wanted to be reckless, regardless of how desperate it made you look. A split second decision is made in that moment, one that lightens the heavy feet that you’ve planted on the concrete. 

You’re back to bounding down the steps, but this time with aim. 

Taking the same turn you saw Wonwoo take, you break into a sprint as you see his figure move farther away. You keep running, continuing to bump into both objects and people, hurried "sorry"'s the only thing you choose to throw their way. 

“Wonwoo!” Your voice comes out stronger than you’d intended, the sharpness having him turn around in search, eyes landing on your accelerating figure. 

Both of you realize too late how fast you’re really going, the velocity taking you directly into his outstretched arms, hands grasping the sleeves of his shirt as you come to screeching stop directly into his chest. 

You don’t have the time nor the patience to be embarrassed, pulling your face back to look directly into Wonwoo’s bewildered eyes to huff out your next words.

“Why did you block me?” you ask, voice gruff and slightly out of breath.

Wonwoo’s mouth opens and closes like a fish, words refusing to come out. 

“Why are you so mad at me? Why are you being nice to me if you’re mad at me?” You don’t stop, the direct questions tumbling off your tongue in desperation. 

You search his face for an answer when his mouth fails, but all you find is the remnants of shock yet to ebb away. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t important, I’m sorry for taking your presence for granted, I’m sorry for hurting you, I’m sorry for…for… I don’t know! I’m just really sorry and I don't know how else to make this right.”

“I’m sorry, too,” you hear him say and you feel the moisture return to your eyes. 

“Huh?”

“I should’ve…” he pauses, looking sheepish. “I should’ve talked to you before I, y’know, went off on you. I should’ve managed my feelings better, I’m sorry.” 

You're silent for a few tantalizing moments before you raise your fists, and pound down on his chest with everything you have. You do it again, and then again, and again—

“What?- Ow!” 

“When are you gonna stop bottling up your feelings for fucks sake, it’s landed you everywhere but good!” you say, nearly yelling.

Wonwoo whips his head around to see who’s listening, palm to mouth in attempts to silence you. 

“I’m sorry! I know! I’m working on it,” he rambles, trying to get you to quit struggling. “Jihoon and I talked, that’s why I realised I was being dumb.”

“Are you gonna unblock me now or do I need to pay Jihoon to sit down with you again?”

Wonwoo’s eyebrows furrow. “You payed Jihoon to sit with me?”

“No, you idiot. But I should have because you can’t seem to figure out how to feel emotions.” 

Wonwoo can’t help himself when he breaks out into a grin, letting out a breathy chuckle that has you asking “What?”.

He pulls you in, heart to heart in an embrace, holding you tight to make up for the weeks of no contact. He breathes in your scent and feels as though he hasn’t in years. 

“I’m not gonna come running up to you the next time you decide you hate me,” you mumble into his shoulder, pouting slightly.

“I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

“No.” Wonwoo pulls away but keeps you in his arms, looking at you, “I love you. Like, the kind of stuff that makes you wanna live together forever. I love you.” 

It’s your turn to gape like a fish. 

“W-what?”

“You told me not to bottle up my feelings.” 

“Yeah, but—wow, um.” 

“Did I make another mistake?” 

No! You wanted to scream. But you don’t. You instead lift your hands up to come around his face, cradling it. And you kissed him. 

“I love you, too. Like the live together forever kind.” 

[suuuupernovaaa]

zeykoyu

zeykoyu [zɛj.ˈko.ju] n. healer

Anonymous Request: I would like to request a Neteyam x Na'vi reader with the "you'll never be her trope", where reader is promised to Neteyam, but he loves another. He is sort of a shitty asshole to her, a girl who is a quiet not very well known member of the clan; he treats reader with the coldest shoulder. However, he overhears the girl talking to her friends about how she just using Neteyam to gain status in the clan. He then sees reader for the caring person she is, and grovels for forgiveness.

I have resigned myself to my fate.

In what feels like a very short amount of time, I will be mated for life before Eywa, to a man who does not love me. In fact, he barely seems to tolerate me.

He looks at me with disappointment, and sometimes, it even looks like he feels disgusted by me.

It wasn't always this way. Neteyam used to be a friend, and someone I trusted. He was so kind and good-hearted when we were younger, but he has turned his back on me and come to resent our pairing.

As if it is my choice! I am the next Tsahik of our people, and he the next Olo'eyktan. We are promised to each other from youth, and there's nothing either of us can do that would not cause much upset in the clan, and with our families.

Though Neteyam clearly does not want to be mated to me, even more than that, he does not want to upset his family.

The change in his heart happened just a year ago, and it was slow at first. We went from friends to acquaintances to strangers, and now to near enemies, because of her.

I don't really blame her, though. He fell in love with her, and she can't control that. I felt jealous at first, but over time, as Neteyam has treated me more and more coldly, I have started to hate both of them.

If I'm being honest, I understand why he loves her; she is beautiful, and funny, and many men have had their eyes on her. I am plain, and small, and not many people speak to me. She does seem a better match for someone like Neteyam, and I almost wish we could be free of this pairing.

As much as Neteyam does not want to disappoint his family, I don't want to disappoint our people; I am a talented healer and I will serve our people well as Tsahik.

So I have resigned myself to my fate.

Our fate.

--

Neteyam watches Sa'me from a distance, as she approaches the center of home tree with her friends, dropping off a full fishing net from a day's work.

His heart swells with pride at the woman he loves, and then, he gets angry. These two feelings always accompany each other.

Love and adoration for Sa'me, and disappointment towards his fate. It doesn't matter who he loves; he's promised to Y/N, and he can't get out of it. That's just not how it works.

She is the next Tsahik and he knows, despite how he wants things to be, that she will be an excellent Tsahik for their people. He has to put the people before himself.

But he does not have to be happy about it.

He approches Sa'me and her friends, but their backs are to him as they empty their nets, and as he gets closer, he hears their conversation.

"Aren't you worried, about his upcoming mating ceremony?" one friend asks.

To his surprise, Sa'me laughs. "No! I have gotten what I wanted, and I am relieved it will end soon."

He stops in his tracks, listening closely.

"Sa'me!" a friend chastises.

"Well, I have three offers for my hand, from fine men. I owe that to Neteyam. When they knew he wanted me, that made them want me. I think I'll pick Marek - he's handsome and strong. Neteyam is nice, but too boring for me. Plus, the way he's treated Y/N since we started spending time together... I almost feel bad for her. She will have a miserable life."

The girls laugh, and Neteyam spins on his heel, charging away.

--

He expects sympathy from his sister, but earns only an eye-roll when he tells Kiri what he overheard.

"Well, she's right. You knew you were promised and pursued Sa'me anyway, even though it was kind of obvious what she was doing. And you have been an asshole to Y/N. She's really nice to still put up with you - to even speak with you. You've treated her like dirt the last year, and she's never said a mean thing about you. Even though, she would be right to do it."

Neteyam stares at his sister, slack jawed, unsure whether to feel angry or guilty. A fine mixture of both rises in his chest, and he sighs.

"You used to be friends with her, you know. She's so sweet, and so kind. She's only putting up with your behavior so she can be Tsahik, and not because she cares about the title. She wants to help the People, and knows she'll be able to if she's Tsahik. She just has to marry an asshole to do it."

"Okay, okay," Neteyam says, waving his hand in the air, begging his sister to stop.

"Well, I just don't feel bad for you, Teyam. You need to grow up and deal with what you did."

He rolls his eyes, but he can't deny it: Kiri is right.

--

Without her noticing, Neteyam starts to watch Y/N as much as he can from that day in. Her daily routine is simple. She rises early, and heads into the forest to gather supplies she can use in her healing practice. Once she's done, she begins going around to people who she knows need her help, in and out of their homes all day, gaining hugs and smiles and thanks wherever she goes.

She is soft-spoken, and kind hearted, and her small stature only serves to make her seem more gentle, more dispositioned for healing.

He sees the way people look at her as she approaches - they look at her with relief, and hope, and when she leaves, she leaves people better than she found them.

Neteyam feels sick to his stomach.

He tries to remember what it is about Sa'me that drew him in. He sees her beauty, he can't deny it still, but it's clear now that her beauty is only on the surface.

Did she ever compliment him? Support him? Offer him a kind word?

He can't even remember what they talked about... for a year.

"Neteyam?"

He turns from the tree he's leaning against and sees Y/N approaching, a large basket in her arms.

"You look ill. Are you okay?"

Neteyam wants to tell her he's fine, that she should leave, but he feels light-headed and instead, he sinks to the ground, a sweat breaking out on his brow.

"I'm... okay. My head feels light."

She kneels in front of him, rummaging through her basket. She pours a few things in a cup, and mixes them together with a powder.

"Here," she says, handing it to him. He takes it, his hands touching hers for a second, and he's struck by how small her hands are.

She's so delicate, like a flower, and he has certainly done his best to trample all over her.

The shame he feels is unlike anything he's ever felt before.

The drink is bitter, but it starts working almost immediately, and the faint feeling begins to fade.

"Thank you, Y/N," he says, handing the cup back to her. She takes it with a small smile and a nod, and rises to leave. Neteyam reaches out, grabbing her arm. "Wait."

She turns, frowning down at him. He stands up.

"I want to apologize to you, Y/N. I have been... terrible. I have neglected you, and I have been an asshole. I'm sorry. I would like to start again."

She tilts her head to the side and narrows her eyes, staring deep into him. He wonders if she can see his soul.

--

Of all of the things I thought Neteyam wanted to say to me, 'I'm sorry' was not even on the list.

My instinct is to tell him to go to tell, but there is such a strange look on his face... he still looks sick, and sad, and a little bit ashamed.

Well, he should be. But also - what choice do I have? If Neteyam is offering me a chance to make the best of this situation, shouldn't I take it?

I remember how I felt about him once. Hopeful, excited, nearly in love... but that feeling is so far away now. I'm not sure if there's even a possibility of re-gaining it.

But, it seems smart to try, if we are to have any chance at a happy life.

"Okay," I reply finally. "But I don't think Sa'me will appreciate it."

Neteyam hangs his head for a moment, and then meets my eyes again. "What she appreciates does not matter. You are to be my mate. You are all that matters."

He places a hand over his heart.

I would like to trust him, but it's going to take more than one conversation where he says the right things.

--

It seems I cannot get rid of Neteyam now. When I gather supplies in the morning, he is there. When I make my rounds in the village, he is there. He is always... there.

Not silently, either. He is full of questions. Everything I do and say, he has a question about. If it wasn't endearing, it would be exhausting.

After a week of this, he asks me to take a ride on our ikrans with him - and I can't say no. I have been so busy working lately, that it sounds like a wonderful and welcome break.

Early in the morning, we head out together, and take one of the longest rides I've ever been on. In the air, we twist and turn and glide together, and all the while, Neteyam is whooping and throwing me ear-to-ear smiles.

He gestures to a nearby cave in the floating rocks, and we land together, dismounting. We are both wind-burnt, but smiling.

"I must ask you something," I say.

"Anything," Neteyam replies, chest heaving from the effort of riding.

"Why did you change your mind? About Sa'me?"

His face darkens, and he sighs. "I overheard her talking about how being seen with me has gotten her offers from many fine potential mates, and she doesn't care that I'm promised to someone else."

I wince. Even if Neteyam is a jerk, I don't think anyone deserves to be used like that.

"I'm sorry, Neteyam. Though, that does explain your sudden... interest."

He shakes his head. "No. After I heard what Sa'me said, I went to Kiri and she, uh, pointed out what an asshole I've been. She also pointed out how kind and smart and talented you are, probably to let me know, uh, what an asshole I've been. So I started kind of, uh, watching you. And I realized she was right."

"About what?"

"Well, I am an asshole but... you are the most kind-hearted woman in this clan. And you did not try to withdraw from our match because you deserve to be Tsahik. Not for the title, but because you are best suited to serve our people. You care about them more than yourself. You're selfless. And beautiful. And I was blind to think anyone could be better suited for me."

I bite my lip, and take a step back. "Neteyam, that all sounds very nice, but I..."

He steps forward, reaching out and taking both of my hands in his. "It isn't enough. I know that, Y/N. I don't expect our problems to be solved now. I just want a chance to prove to you, who I really am. What a good mate I can be for you. I can make you happy. I want to. It's all I want."

I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes, and I blink hard to keep them at bay. "I always thought so highly of you, Neteyam. I want us to be happy. I want to try."

He squeezes my hand tightly, pulling me to him.

"I will make you happy. I promise you, Y/N. Please, let me kiss you."

I hesitate for only a moment. The look in his eyes is so sincere, and his eyes fall down to my lips for just a moment, then back up to my eyes, and I can't resist. Everything I want seems to be within my grasp.

He places his hands around my waist, and pulls me in.

"Say yes," he whispers. I can't find my voice, but I nod.

The kiss is explosive. A year of anger, frustration and want packed into one kiss. My body is flush to his, and I feel the tears spilling over, but I can't stop them, and I don't want to pull away.

It feels too good.

I put my hands in his hair, gripping tightly, sighing against his lips, and he groans.

Finally, we pull away, and stare at each other, both breathless.

"I will make you happy, healer," he whispers.

I might believe him now.

[rapz-rites]

Hearts

Damian Wayne x Reader

You and your soulmate can feel each other's heartbeat 

A/N: for @thesuperiorrobin btw I started writing this super late at night so it might not be the best but I hope you all like this

Word Count: 1.1k+

Warning(s): Barely proofread, loophole cursewords

You jolted up from your sleep. 4 times a week, 3 if you’re lucky. Like clockwork. Your soulmate's heart beats so fast, so hard, it wakes you up. You would think he was having a heart attack. 

You don’t know what your soulmate does that gets his heart beating so fast in the middle of the night. You found this whole heartbeat soulmate thing so stupid. Of all the things you and your soulmate had to share, a heartbeat, seriously?

On everyone’s 10th birthday, they start “sharing” their soulmate's heartbeat. It's not really sharing though, so you didn't understand why they explained it that way. Probably to romanticize it. 

You couldn’t go back to sleep until about 4am. But that didn’t matter because your alarm went off 2 hours later. You hated your life. Not only did you get no sleep because of your stupid soulmate but you had to get ready for school, a school filled with pompous a-holes. Luckily it was your last year and you only had a few more months left until you graduated.

~

You walk into class late, everyone looking up at you. Luckily for you, your teacher is nice enough to let it slide. 

“Hey” you said to the boy you usually sat by. His name was Damian, Damian Wayne. Yup. As in Billionaire “playboy” Bruce Wayne.

“What now L/N?” He asked. He looked up at you with an annoyed expression. Damn. Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed. 

“Do you think you could help me with number 5?” You looked at him with pleading eyes. “Pretty please.”

“Sure.” And he did. You didn’t really need help, you just wanted to bother and talk to Damian. 

The two of you were close acquaintances but not friends. He was you favorite pompous rich a-hole and you were one the most tolerable people at GA to Damian

After this class you were done. You were transferring books to and from your backpack when your best friend, Lienne, pulled up next to you. 

“What are you doing after school? Do you want to have a sleep-” If you didn’t stop her now it would turn into an investigation.

“I’m working at the clinic after school, but I can come over after and we can have a sleepover all you want,” you smiled at her.

“Ok. See you after work. Oh, and bring those chips I like please,” she says walking away. You chuckled at her.

You worked at a pet shop clinic. You loved it. You weren’t a people person, you were a pet person. I loved cats, dogs, and hamsters. Any domestic house pet you could get your hands on, you loved it. They were so much easier to deal with than people. 

You were peacefully playing with a hamster while it was quiet in the store. Suddenly 2 men rush in. You put the hamster back in its cage and turned to the 2 men. They both looked like they were freaking out.

“We need your help! Like it's an emergency,” the tall one said. He had jet black hair and a white streak at the front. Then the second one spoke up.

“It’s our brother's cat,” the other one said. He was shorter, maybe 5’10/11. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He handed you an adorable little tuxedo cat. You couldn’t help but awe at it.

“Sure, what happened? Our vet is currently busy, but I can check him out and get him to see him as soon as possible.” you walked them into an exam room in the clinic. As you were assessing the cat, your boss walked in. 

“What's going on here?” He asked. You explained what happened and gave your assessment of the cat to your boss. He complimented you on your good work and took over. You were happy until you felt a strain on your heart. Something was wrong with your soulmate. It felt like he was having a panic attack or something. You went to the front of the store to sit down. You were trying to steady your heartbeat to cancel his out. But of course as you sat down, someone walked in. It was none other than Damian Wayne.

“Where’s Alfred? Where’s my cat?” he asked. You walked up to him to get his attention. You were holding onto his arm while he was looking around frantically.

“Your cat? Is he a tuxedo cat?” He immediately looked down at you. “You’ve seen Alfred? Where is he?”

“Your brothers brought him in,” you explained to him calmly. You were already trying to calm your soulmate’s heartbeat and now you have to calm a frantic billionaire son. He was spouting nonsense you didnt want to listen to while you ushered him to a chair.

“Listen Wayne,” you said, shutting him up. “Your brothers brought him in. I assessed him and the vet is now with him. He's going to be fine”

You could tell your words helped, but he was still anxious. It was kinda cute that he cared this much for a cat. One time you saw him roll his eyes at a school assembly about suicide. But he was still breathing heavily. At this point your heartbeat was calm but you could still feel your soulmate’s fast heart.

You took Damian’s hand and put it over your heart, and you did the same to him. That's when you felt it. People who already met their soulmates said once you know it's this indescribable, thrilling feeling. They were right. It was like time stopped and nothing else mattered. Your hearts synced and that's all you both felt. You both stared into each other’s eyes. You opened your mouth to speak but was interrupted. 

“Are we interrupting something?” The tall brother asked. You quickly moved back from Damian, putting your hands at your side.

“Yes”

“No”

You both spoke in unison. You looked at him, but he was glaring at his brothers.

“So what did Dr. Goldwin say?” you asked, smiling before it got awkward.

~

“OMG OMG OMG!” Lienne squealed, jumping around her room. “YOUR SOULMATE IS DAMIAN WAYNE.”

You weren’t surprised at her reaction when you told her. She always had a knack for the dramatics. As she was jumping around, spouting how beautiful your wedding was going to be, you got a text from your “future husband”.

Damian ☹️: Hello Y/N

                    Let’s go out on a date Saturday

                    Send me your address and I'll pick you up at 2pm

Y/N : I’d love to go out with you 😉

You’ll tell Lienne once she calms down. She's going to freak.

So… what do you think???

I’m working on request so plz don’t think I forgot abt those.

[ivanttakethis]

Tov’s OC Intimacy Levels

Based on the character intimacy percentages from the art book.

This covers Tov’s intimacy levels with other characters she has notable relationships with or is connected to in some way.

Inspired by @lookatmysillies’s Character Intimacy Levels posts: Part 1 and Part 2.

Himei (100%) - If soulmates exist, I believe we are a pair. There is no me without you. I would give anything to change your fate.

Tallis (100%) - You see me in a way no one else does. I cannot hide from you, but I find that I don’t want to. It’s okay if it’s you.

Nyx (90%) - My bothersome little brother. You’re stubborn in your belief that you are not worthy of love, but I’m more stubborn in proving you wrong.

Dian (80%) - Although you can be a persistent thorn in my side, you’re one of my closest friends. You keep me in check and I return the favor. I know you have my best interest at heart.

Moran (75%) - I miss our talks and the time we spent together and your views on the world. You were so much more than a puppet waiting to play their part. We are tied together in the stars.

Flor (60%) - Your heart was far too kind for a cruel world like ours. I try to view your death as a mercy. I don’t know if it’s working. I miss you.

Solei (59%) - Thank you for allowing me to be your shadow. I will always keep your secrets. Hopefully we can meet again one day.

Aurien (57%) - I know you were the one who made our class’s star charts. I appreciate you sharing them with me. Please stay safe, fellow stargazer.

Wren (50%) - There’s something odd about you. I suspect you know more than you let on. Despite that, you were there for me at my lowest, and I’m grateful.

Lang (40%) - Tallis and Nyx loved you so much. Over time, I came to care for you too. I wish things could’ve been different.

Stasya (39%) - More than an acquaintance. A friend perhaps? You didn’t deserve what happened to you. I hope you’re drifting in a nice river somewhere.

Azure (30%) - It is not lost on me that this odd fondness I feel for you only runs one way. Even still, I do not regret mourning you. Your life and death were never a waste of time.

Akane (20%) - I’ve always respected you as my senior. Maybe we could’ve been friends. I see you every night in the moon.

Castor (18%) - I often found you to be annoying and unserious. But you were very important to Nyx, so I tolerated you. I hate how badly you hurt him, but we both know there was no other way.

Elias and Prem (17%) - I still don’t understand why you’re risking so much to help me. Is my benefactor really that important to you? I guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Lark (15%) - Even though I know there was nothing I could do, I still feel like I failed you in some way. Did you know I was there when you were dying? I held your hand the whole time.

Minori (10%) - I’m sorry. I should’ve looked. I should’ve dignified you in your last moments and I didn’t. It is one of my biggest regrets.

Daiki (8%) - I’ll never forgive you for how you spoke about Tallis. But I understand wanting to live for someone you love.

Noora (6%) - You were always such a sweet girl. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand what made you snap. I’m sorry about Lark. Are you together now?

Min (5%) - You saved Himei’s life. For that alone, I am in your debt.

Cirrus (5%) - We have very similar backgrounds. If we spoke, I think we’d find that we have a lot in common. Part of me knew it would end this way.

Tagging: @lookatmysillies (Himei, Tallis, Castor), @rockwgooglyeyes (Nyx, Dian), @geospiral (Moran), @sotogalmo (Flor), @solei-eclipse (Solei), @aurienneirua (Aurien), @its-langgg (Lang), @billwasnot (Stasya), @azureitri (Azure), @aakaneeee (Akane), @kamersona (Lark, Noora), @minori-dash (Minori), @daiki1k (Daiki), @starry-skiez (Min), and @yunoftheclouds (Cirrus).

[mr-nauseam]

Eventually this day was going to come because I have a lot of lgbt ships in TBOSAS and it's a topic I think about constantly. Lately even more since I proposed to do a post about Casca's life so let's talk about:

Homosexuality in the Capitol

I think the most common opinion is that surely that doesn't present any obstacle right? They are there in TBOSAS Pluribus Bell and his husband Cyrus, first canon gay couple to be mentioned. No one is saying bad things to them, and not even Snow's prejudiced family has thought anything ugly.

They are totally neutral to the mentions of his husband, the love of his life being a man, and aside, not in the Katniss era we are told in the districts there is freedom to marry whomever you want? No matter the gender, and if we go to the movies, I think we all agree that it confirms that most people in the Capitol would not make any fuss to see two men or two women kissing.

Personally I think that yes, by the time of Katniss that was no longer such an acute issue, but I have every reason to believe that in TBOSAS people weren't really that indifferent. At the end of the day there is 60+ years difference between one story and the other, things can change a lot and social class I think is a relevant aspect here.

Let's start by putting things on the table. Panem has no religion, but I don't think that eliminates homophobia, it is an evil that in fact has claimed more victims under reasons that have nothing to do with God, although moral panic is usually related, this is capable of existing independently, and science has not done much to help the normalization of a diverse sexuality. It has often been used against them in fact.

With that in mind we can start, first I don't think that in Panem homosexuality is penalized or criminalized. In short, I think the idea of ending up in prison for being gay is a bit of a stretch, but just because your existence is not an open crime does not mean that certain actions are not considered as such, and that suddenly people will be tolerant.

The Capitol doesn't seem like a tolerant place at all. Gender, race, social class and sexuality cofluctuate, one another, and this is where I find Pluribus Bell so interesting. A gay man who once owned a bar before the war, then survives by running an underground black market business and is known for his discretion.

I need you to repeat some of those words so that they stand out, so that we understand each other clearly. Pluribus Bell is a gay man who during the war was forced to participate in the black market. Underground business to survive.

What is not striking in that statement? He's a man who for some reason didn't go to war, (we could talk someday about how the enlistment worked) and easily moved into an underground business in order to survive. Pluribus Bell lived in his bar, didn't he? The war was brief indeed, though devastating as wars go, and while it's the kind of situation that makes people think fast, isn't it striking that within the Capitol, a gay man and his partner knew how to navigate the underground world with some ease and mastery?

While it is true that Coriolanus is our narrator, a child at the end of the day, I think he is also a smart child who observes others, and never saw in Pluribus Bell the destabilizing stress that dominated, for example, his grandmother at times. Only perhaps he recognized him as a sad man after he lost the love of his life in a bombing. After he was left alone with his cat.

And not only that. The Snows know Pluribus Bell or knew of its existence probably thanks to some word of Crassus Snow, an old acquaintance, an ex young university student who frequented that bar frequently, always accompanied by his best friend in the past, is not so rare, and while I like the snowbottom this not the focus point.

It's a nice note to make but let's think coldly, a rich teenager discovers that the owner of the bar he frequents is involved in clandestine business since before the war, because if we have understood each other, we have already suspected that Pluribus Bell was probably involved in some clandestine activity since before the war hit the Capitol.

It could have been for any reason but I think we're getting to the point that being gay and being involved in these kinds of activities under the law, under the radar, are not uncommon for queer people, because it's a community that has always been persecuted in one way or another. Also, from what little we know of Crassus' character, maybe it was the type of activity that wasn't exactly illegal so he could ignore it, and who knows, maybe he mentioned his name once he was trapped on the front lines, and his family was trapped to war horrible circunstances. Or maybe Pluribus Bell meet them later, when he attended the funeral and approached the family who lost the young man he remembers with some sympathy.

He does not seem to be part of the Crassus haters club, and has extended the Snow family a kindness that in the words of Coriolanus would be improper, being one of the few people who is fully aware that the Snows are starving. They are no longer rich and powerful. Isn't that what Coriolanus, Tigris and his grandmother have been fiercely trying to hide from others? Why do they seem so comfortable with this stranger knowing the truth?

Do they know something that puts them in a position of equals? Something that make they can never believe in Bell as a threat?

The Snows have never felt the need to hide their poverty from Pluribus. He has never felt the need to hide the fact that his partner was a man in front of them. Sounds like a good match doesn't it?

But is that the only explanation? Necessity is the obvious explanation, there was no alternative but to let Bell know, but once the war was over why not put on the act again? Maybe social class is influencing these non-reactions. Bell is something like the Snow's neighbor but he doesn't exactly live in the Corso. Exclusive area, where the elite live, and he used to own a bar. It's not humble but it's not at the level of what the Snows once were, they had cooks, servants, laboratories and almost totally owned the industry in D13 before it blew up.

Everyone easily believed that they would have assets in other businesses. They have been able to rub shoulders with the richest and most powerful people, for God's sake, one of Coriolanus' classmates was related to the president. So they are not on the same level.

Pluribus is below the Snows, socially speaking, as TBOSAS often proves, sometimes you are below someone in one respect and above them in others. That's how the Plinth have all the money that Coriolanus doesn't have but none of the respect he gets just for being a Snow.

Sexuality is an aspect in which the so-called lower classes usually have an enviable freedom contrary to the life of many people who are heiresses, the advantages of your legacy not mattering and your surname not being a brand.

Someone like Pluribus from whom no glory or success is expected, with no fortunes at his feet who wants to be supported for generations. What difference does it make if he loves a man? In reality he does not, so whether it is a security born of the possible tit for tat in giving away secrets, or he can simply do publicly what no sane heir would do outside of a locked room.

Because that's one thing, just because the big families, who run the Capitol see these relationships badly or may be prejudiced against them doesn't mean it will never happen. Surely there are heirs kissing where no one sees them, loving each other in the shadows, and others falling for the scandal of the press discovering them, because surely that is something that people would talk about.

If any of the wealthy people cross the boundaries, I think it would explode the television in contradictory opinions, or not at all, because they have paid to drown out the rumors, and in an office a father rebukes an heir, because their names matter and must be preserved. They as an elite have the right to continue their history for decades.

Something that someone poorer, less relevant, need not worry about.

And the secrecy? I don't think as I said that being gay is a crime perse in the Capitol, no one can send you to prison for fucking another girl being one yourself, but I think the prejudice exists, and a lot. Also the ridiculous rules, they may not say it is a crime to be homosexual but for sure in the army something like homosexual behavior exists in concept to be punished, with absurd justifications like a proof of a lack of character. Sign of low mental strength, which studies made by faceless scientists confirmed.

Relevant if you remember the capitol is highly militarized but in education I'm almost sure there is no class where these issues are discussed, it is something that can only be learned in the street, in life, so complex and unpredictable. It may look bad in public, maybe not two hands holding hands, but what about a gender expression that goes beyond what is expected? Pluribus had a very long wig, I remember.

Too aristocratic gesture or a particular expression of gender. And yes. I know what you may think: What are you talking about? The academy uniforms wear a skirt!

Have you noticed it is not a full skirt and actually reminds a part of the Roman army dress? But I grant you, maybe the gender in clothing had already started to blur since those years, a slow process, which finally culminates with the Captiolio we see in THG.

And that's where I end this post on something of a hopeful note, because remember ordinary people, those who work every day, may still face stupid laws. A possible aggressive medicalization, with therapists who say they have the key to correcting these deviant attitudes. People who still have to argue with their parents, who may still have to flee their homes, probably was worst after the war and the hate dominate the head of the people, and the population was low but they are also the ones who have their own spaces, maybe something like a bar of their own and in more than 60 years things have surely changed.

Although it is good to remember the Capitol is one thing and the districts another, just like the world were live people of lower social classes and the one were live the upper class are different, they not play the same rules, oh and not forget the race, nor ethnicity, these influence on this too (or maybe because the other person who is mentioned to us as homosexual in canon is Barb Azure Baird).

[idyllic-musings]

🌹| general intro: eir.

                               (picrew credit)

"A traveling doctor and historian with an ungovernable spirit. Strangely, they do not seem to belong to any of the seven nations, yet their skill is well respected among their peers nonetheless. Their eyes tell the stories of a nation long gone."

personality.

kind and free-spirited, eir goes wherever their heart leads them... or wherever they are needed next. usually wherever they are needed next. they often receive letters from acquaintances, friends, and strangers alike, all requesting their input and expertise in not only medicine, but history as well, and—of course, the kindly soul that they are—they are more than happy to help. although, it should be noted that eir has a sharp tongue when they feel threatened. they also have an unfortunate inclination to gossiping, and worse? high status does not grant any kind of immunity from being their next victim. however, they are careful, and harmful gossip is kept to a minimum... at least, for those who they believe are truly good at heart.

brief trivia.

eir is non-binary (they/them). they hail from khaenri'ah and, as a result, are cursed with immortality.

physically, they appear to be in their late twenties.

their hair was once significantly longer, but immediately following the cataclysm, they had a friend from the akademiya cut it down to shoulder length (they keep it tied up, but when it is down, it reaches to their shoulders). they were still recovering and did not have the mobility to do it themselves.

eir did not need glasses initially, but their eyesight has degraded for reasons unknown to them. they believe it may have been caused by an injury that they overlooked. thankfully, it does not seem to be getting any worse.

eir does not talk about how they got their anemo vision. it's better that no-one asks about it; at best, it annoys them. at worst, they get defensive and verbally aggressive.

eir does not take to authority well, especially when it involves the seven. they avoid nations that are heavily governed by their respective archons for that exact reason.

pierro once asked them to join the fatui, to which they promptly told him to "go fuck himself" in front of all the other harbingers. a few of the other harbingers still tease him about it to this day.

the only harbinger they can tolerate is la signora, though it isn't exactly well-understood why. oddly enough, the two seem to be... close friends?

eir is generally nonviolent and doesn't believe in harming innocent folk who did nothing wrong. revenge is not something they seek. perhaps it has something to do with their occupation.

"Eir? Oho, I had no idea you had so many connections, traveler. Though, I suppose they aren't all that elusive... They tell me about what Khaenri'ah was like sometimes. It's a nice gesture. To know that there is someone who will still support me, regardless of what I do... It is comforting." —Kaeya

"Eir? Ah... nope! Never heard of them. Ehe... Anyway, how about I read you a new poem I wrote? I've been working on it for a long time, you know!" —Venti

"Eir, upon occassion, will stop by the pharmacy for supplies. Sometimes they stay a while and help out where they can. They and Changsheng like to gossip together. [Sigh] What a headache those two can be... but even so, their skill is to be admired. They are a good person at heart. Changsheng and I know that they do not belong to this era. When they are ready, they will talk about it, but until then... we will say nothing of it." —Baizhu

"Oh, Eir? The traveling doctor... they are very kind-hearted. When we were rebelling against the Shogun, they offered their services completely free of charge. There are people, good people, who would not be alive if not for them. I am not fully convinced that they are just a normal human, but that doesn't really mean much of anything to me. They still helped us when we needed it most. That is what matters." —Kokomi

"Eir? Hah, that doctor. They had the guts to tell off Pierro in front of all of us. Quite frankly, even I thought it to be impressive. Not a single one of us had anticipated that an unassuming traveler would have such a sharp tongue... If nothing else, they are at least the slighest bit more interesting than some others I've had the misfortune of encountering." —The Wanderer

"Ah, Eir. It really is hard not to admire someone so talented and kind. Their wisdom and knowledge has enabled me to learn a lot more about illnesses and flora that I otherwise would not have even been aware of. I very much appreciate that they do not gatekeep their knowledge—it's something both agree is unfair. Though, sometimes I do wonder where they learned all this from... Well, anyway, the only bad thing I can say about them is that they gossip... I hope to the Archons that they and Kaveh never meet. Never." —Tighnari

"I don't like them. The way they speak of Her Majesty is vile and ignorant. Hm... but they would make a good opponent. Say, traveler, you think you could convince Eir to fight me? No? Aw, what a shame..." —Childe

[marcusoseman99]

Songs of the Isle pt 41

Dion: That’s better now I would like to get acquainted Vicktor.

Vick: It’s just Vick.

Dion: Shame.

Apollo: Good luck.

Vick: I should hve gone home.

*The scene shows Vick looking down while the background fade into Dions tent*

Dion: Now, Darlin I’d love to learn about the one causing my Apollo so much trouble.

*Vick takes a drink out of a glass and adjust himself before answering*

Vick: Well we aren’t really that close just-

Dion: Met by fate.

Vick: Coincidence..... just coincidence

Dion: Oh so you don’t believe in Fate, Victor

Vick: I do Apollo is just someone I tolerate.

Dion: Yet Vicktor-

Vick: Vick just Vick.

Dion: Well if you just tolerate him then why did you come all this way even get into a fight just to see if he is ok.

Vick: No it’s not like that I was doing it for Reegan.

Dion: Oh thats it then.

Vick: What?

Dion: Nothing that just explains it.

Vick: EXPLAINS WHAT!?

Dion: You dont like Apollo thankfully its Reegan.

Vick: What no- nooo.

Dion: Oh don't worry i get it Reegn is a handsome guy.

Vick: Ok maybe but-

Dion: Ok I don't acually care about that to be honest i just know that you are a hunter.

Vick: Well-

Dion: Also before you embarrass yourself Vicktor Apollo has told me that you are a hunter...... so don’t lie to me.

*Dion crosses his legs and take a drink from his cup without breaking eye contact with Vick which is making Vick shift round in his seat*

Vick: *sigh* No bullshit.

Dion: Please, Darlin.

Vick: I am not really a hunter my grandfather is, and Reegan is my friend.

Dion: Oh the drama my boys get into

Vick: Yeah i just want- i just

Dion: Spit it out.

Vick: I just want to do the right thing.

Dion: Vick, I have been around for thousands of years I still wonder if i am doing the right thing but you want keeps me sane?

Vick: What?

Dion: Trusting that i am always trying because that all we can do.

Vick: I just dont know if i can do that.

Dion: I think i can see how you and Apollo are- something.

Vick: Really?

Dion: I thought that was obvious, I mean- wait did you think his name is actually Apollo.

Vick: It isn’t.

Dion: No of course not that was the name Hermes gave him as he never told us and refused to answer when we asked. He started out exactly like you- just a bit more violent.

Vick: Well do you know where did he come from.

Dion: He hasn’t never told us but his accent is very hard to miss so definably Scottish.

Vick: I do want to be his…. friend but he is-

Dion: An ass.

Vick: *laughs* Yes

Dion: *sigh* Yes he is but he cares deeply for everything around him but i am pretty sure he hates that.

Vick: Thank you for telling me this I think it will help.

Dion: I told you for his sake he needs all the support he can get.

*Dions face goes sombre*

Dion: But I don't think it will be enough.

Vick: I got that impression.

Dion: Well, I think you have given me enough for now.

Vick*sigh into a whisper* thank God.

*Dion springs forward at Vick one hand on Vicks seat and the other on Vicks shoulder*

Dion: But if I think for a second that you might hurt him or Reegan in anyway then I promise you this you will not make it out of my forest alive-

*Dions voice is deadpan matching his facial expression before going back to his smiling face and backs away*

Dion: Go talk to Demi outside they will take you too Apollo.

Vick: O-ok

Vick: Now that was a threat and a half fuck.

*Vick races toward the tents exit before freezing and turning back slowly*

Vick: You said that you know nothing about Apollo before he got here?

Dion: Yes

Vick: Then how did you know he has been through a lot.

Dion: Darlin...... he came to us as a broken young man he had not eaten in days and had rags on similar to now.

Vick: Oh

Dion: Go see him and maybe- hopefully be his friend he may act like he doesn’t need you, but he probably needs you the most.

*Vick lowers his head and leaves the tent as Dion cleans up the glasses, Vick walks down the path a bit before stopping while looking around*

Vick: Where the hell is this goat… wait is that racist, fuck.

*He turns to his left then back to his right to see Philippos walking by with his head stuck in the book he is reading*

Vick: Let’s hope he is the forgiving type.

[jizelleisintumblermotherfuckers]

incoming college freshman advice !

Go to class, even if you don't feel like it. This isn't high school anymore where you can drop a class anytime you want.

Don't commit to 8am classes or you'll regret it. It's a waste of time, energy, and you'll have a hard time learning when there are loads of tasks and you have to get up in the morning and run to uni.

Invest in good quality school supplies, even if it costs more than usual. You will spend more buying poor quality things each time it breaks frequently. To find good quality things that you can use for several months or so.

You go to class for attendance and ask questions to your classmates, and go home to study basically everything. Most of the time this is actually what happens. You teach yourself and put all your effort for your own good.

Stay organized and disciplined. Have fun but be serious in studying. Make organized schedules, comply with your tasks right away, ready a syllabus for advanced studying, and have as much sleep as possible. Even if you fail it at times, organizing and discipline will still become a habit.

Connections. Make friends or acquaintances. Networking is very important in college. These are the people who you ask after lectures for other concerns, the people you help and would help you, and the people you study with. Talk to everyone, from your seatmate to your professors, about anything that would help you go on in college. You don't have to be an extrovert, just communicate. However, NEVER JOIN FRATERNITIES, it's useless.

Analyze everyone first before choosing a friend group. If you join a friend circle and they turn out to be 🚩, leave right away or cut them off. They will push you down in college. Join friend groups that don't exhaust or drain you, choose the ones that make your quality of life better. DO NOT TRY TO FIT IN, just be yourself and you'll find your people.

Stand up to bullies. Yes, bullies still exist in college. They, apparently, exist everywhere at any point in life. But unless you want your 4 or more years of college in hell, do not let them disrespect you. If you can fight, fight them to leave you alone. If you can't, find someone who will.

Enjoy your youth. Go to parties, drink, have fun, and all that. But do not be addicted to the point that you prioritize your vices over studying. Sometimes, partying can help you de-stress.

Approach your professors. Ask questions and raise concerns if you have. We have professors that only showed up to class when we approached them, despite not being present for several weeks already. Seek advice if you also need it, but understand that they, too, are busy so weigh their schedules too.

Join organizations, and clubs, and be a student leader if you have the time for it. It's beneficial for your experience as you'll need it for the industry. Plus, you'll meet other seniors that would give you advice and maybe even help you in your subjects.

If you don't have to work, don't. Enjoy your college years and you'll find yourself more focused on it. You can improve much faster.

Be serious on day one and it'll be smooth sailing from there. Do not tell yourself "I will just do great next sem/year/term" repeatedly, start doing great the first day you enter there but do not overdo it. Freshman year will AFFECT your whole college GPA/GWA so take it seriously. Ace your freshman and sophomore year so you'll have a strong foundation for when you take harder classes that will kick your ass later.

Do not tolerate your classmates, profs, or anyone's bad behaviors. They will do it until the end of time if they're not stopped now.

Save money. You'll need it. You will have college classmates who spend a lot because they have a lot of money or are just undisciplined, big spenders. Stay away from them. Have fun but be wary of your money. You don't wanna go broke.

Assess your degree during your freshman year. If you don't like it, save yourself by dropping or shifting majors. It'll be harder to stop when you decided you don't like what you're doing in your senior years.

Before deciding anything from then on, think about it carefully. Always ask yourself if you're sure multiple times. Calmness and wise decision makings are necessary for college. Impulsiveness will lead you nowhere.

Study and think of your possible future career(s) and salaries since day 1 of your freshman year. As you progress, it may change. But it's great to think about your future the moment you enter college.

Get free scholarships when you need them. College will need a lot of financial assistance.

Drop a class when you are loaded already. There are classes that won't be that necessary for your major. If you're not sure, go ask your school counselors for advice.

Find support. From your college friends, your old friends, your professors, family, organizations, pets, and people who you can trust that will help and support your progress. College is a draining point of life for students, that's why help (and asking for it) is necessary.

[snowthornes]

💥, 😨, 🍧, 🎭, and 🔪 for Thorne sdjfgksg or whichever of those you want bc I recognize that that's quite a few lol. I just think he's neat

ASK GAME: THORNE BRIERS | SHEPHERDS OF HAVEN | OMNI

SDJDG Thank you so much for sending an ask!! And it's not a problem at all — I love writing about my OCs!!! No matter how much you send, I'll be over the moon. Thank you so much for liking Thorne, that makes me very happy!! 🥹🥹💐💐

As usual, I'll be answering in the context of the SHOH universe! Ah, here's the LINK to the ask game, for anyone who wants to do it!

Edit: Okay, this became. Long. Ridiculously long. I considered splitting the ask up, but I'm not sure how that would work. Will probably do it in the future, though!

MINOR SPOILERS FOR THE ALPHA BUILD BELOW!!

😨 — when scared, do they go into "flight" or "fight"?

Flight! Thorne's not very big on the whole 'go out in a blaze of glory' thing — he'd much rather slip away from the enemy's grasp and live to fight another day.

Actually — and this is a bit off topic — he's not a very big fan of the whole 'self sacrificing' routine that a lot of the Shepherds seem to have going on. Scratch that, he hates it. Everytime Trouble or Blade or any of the Shepherds say something along the lines of sacrificing themselves to save innocents, his eye practically starts twitching in irritation. 🗿

He'd much rather that they all stayed alive, thank you very much. He refuses to tolerate any other outcome. Now that I think about it, it's a bit funny — he'd joined the Shepherds only as a means of self-preservation. He was so sure that he'd fade into the background soon enough, that the Shepherds would just be another odd chapter in his life.

Now he spends most of his time running himself ragged for the order and (secretly) worrying about his more self-sacrificial comrades' survival. Oh, he also spends a good chunk of his time worrying about Caine. His ass was not expecting to be a sort-of-guardian for a twelve year old, but here they are. Ah, how the turns have tabled.

Blade, Dead Serious: Are you willing to bleed for the order? To die for the order? That's what we demand from all our recruits. Thorne, voice floating from another room: It would also be ideal if you, you know. Didn't die. Less paperwork that way.

🎭 — Do they act differently around certain people? What's different between the way they act around friends, family, strangers, etc.?

Oh, boy. Given the fact that his entire surface demeanor revolves around concealing his true thoughts and emotions from others, I would have to say... yes.

HOW HE ACTS AROUND STRANGERS/FRIENDLY ACQUAINTANCES:

Around strangers or friendly acquaintances, Thorne's guard is always up. His charming veneer never wavers, cloaking him like a second skin — he smiles at the right time, laughs at the right occasion, and frowns at the right moment. Everything he does is a calculated mix of genuine and deliberate, engineered to make him come off as a smooth mix of charming, elusive, and trustworthy — elusive enough to make people think of him as mysterious, but pleasant enough to make people trust him.

He doesn't lie outright, however. Not if he can help it. Lies are tricky, and can leave too many threads to pull and unravel. Instead, he deals in half-truths: little bits of truth about himself that he can sacrifice to the masses, all while keeping the ones that he'd rather hide safely concealed behind his smile.

Strangers know him as the dark-haired mage who carries himself with an air of casual elegance, who possesses storm gray eyes that gleam with an intelligent and elusive light.

Others would say that he's a smooth-talking sod who knows more than he lets on.

Others still would call him a smart bastard who's absolutely ruthless in a fight.

Ah, well. Depends on who you listen to.

HOW HE ACTS AROUND FRIENDS/FAMILY:

Around friends or family — and let's face it, those two words are practically synonymous in this case — Thorne is a lot more expressive and reactive.

While it took him a long, long time to get to his point, Thorne begins to drop the calculated front when around the Shepherds. He becomes a lot more... relaxed, and as a result, a trace of his true personality comes out — though sometimes even Thorne isn't sure what that is.

He becomes a lot more mischievous, bouncing off of Chase and Trouble's antics by spearing them with the occasional dry comment or good natured jab. He also frequently comes to Blade, Red, and Halek's defense(?) by playfully coming up to bat with his arsenal of deceptively innocent quips whenever the others are dogpiling them, prompting Ayla to jokingly complain that he was a "bloody suck-up": an accusation to which Thorne responded with a look of mock-offense and a lofty, "I haven't the faintest idea of what you mean."

His terrible sense of humor also comes out in full force. Even the stupidest and flattest of jokes can coax a snort of laughter from him. He's a big fan of Riel's sarcasm, often snorting in amusement — eyes sparkling with poorly concealed laughter — whenever the other lets loose of yet another dry quip.

Overall, he's very different from how he was when he first joined the Order. When he first joined the order, he had treated them as he would any other stranger: charming, but distant, with the distinct air of someone who was sure to leave in the future. Now, he couldn't be any more different.

Trouble had once remarked on his change. He had ruffled Thorne's hair, ignoring his dismayed squawks, while thoughtfully commenting on how different he was compared to when they first met him.

"Oh?" Thorne had responded dryly, disgruntledly attempting to fix his ruffled dark hair. "What was I like when we first met, then?"

"Sort of closed off, even though you smiled a lot," Trouble had said thoughtfully. "Like one of those nobles. And you always kept your distance — almost like you were going to disappear any second."

Thorne had paused. It had felt odd, hearing this from Trouble. He hadn't known how to react. "... And now?"

Trouble had grinned, then, eyes warm and affectionate. He clapped Thorne on the back and slung a familiar arm around his shoulders. "Well, now you're stuck with us, of course!"

Thorne had let out a breath at that, rolling his eyes. There was a pause, the two of them blanketed in comfortable silence, before a quiet voice spoke tentatively into the air:

"Yes, I am."

🔪 — How do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? Do they put themselves at blame?

Now... here's the thing. The more Thorne cares about someone, the more emotional he can get. The more he cares about someone, the less all the other things — logic, pragmatism, himself — matter to him. He's very much the type to love slower but harder. I genuinely think that life threatening injury befalling his loved ones would make him completely fling all his caution and inhibitions to the wind.

He'd be rushing to their side in a heartbeat. If they were on a battlefield, he'd be fighting his way to their side like an animal gone feral: all gnashing power and glinting arrows and a desperate need to get to their side, get to their side, before it's too late. Thorne knows how swiftly a person's life can be snuffed out; how one wound, one blow, can so easily drag them to a realm that no living being can ever hope to reach. He has to get to them. He has to.

His magic would probably start running rampant, responding to the cold spikes of fear cutting through his chest, to the ringing screaming in his ears. Rationally, he knows that he should conserve his magic and energy — that he shouldn't be so reckless, so careless, so impulsive — but all that would be drowned out by his urgent need to get to their side.

Ultimately, I think he'd either reach their side and haul them off to safety while debating between trying to heal them now or scrambling to a Healer (he's not the best healer), or someone else would step in and snap him out of it. If someone like Red (since he can translocate) told him to stay behind while they got the injured loved one to safety, Thorne would probably gnash his teeth but ultimately, stay and absolutely tear into the enemy. The moment the battle was over he'd be rushing off to go check on the loved one.

Once he sees them, alive and— well. Not well, but not dead, at least — he'll probably start crying. Tears run down his cheeks while he desperately tries to stifle his sobs, but it seems like the inhuman control he typically has over his emotions has fucked off to nowhere and he just keeps bawling his eyes out like an utter fool. Someone, either the poor injured loved one, (who now has a Mr. Thorne Briers bawling over their bed), or a trusted friend tries to comfort him, and he stiffens up so much that they fear he'll break. But then he grasps onto them like a lifeline, (or ever so gently, featherlight, if they were the injured loved one), and starts sniffling out a bunch of incomprehensible reassurances and apologies as he forcibly tries to calm himself. (It doesn't work).

He'll probably be extra clingy in the coming days, like a cat wandering around their favorite person. He won't come too close out of fear of smothering them (he probably still is) but he'll repeatedly attempt to ✨discreetly✨ poke his head into the infirmary to check on how they're doing and reassure himself that they'll be fine. If he's close enough to this particular loved one and feels secure enough to do so, he'll probably insist on doing his paperwork near them. The poor healers will probably have to shoo him out with a broom at one point.

Eventually, he'll start to relax and lay off on the clinginess, but — I think he'll be a lot more... forward with his affection than he was before. His masks and pretenses are still there — I don't think they'll go that easily — but they're a lot more transparent, and more easy to see through. For his loved ones, anyway.

Ah. This got long. I'm sorry, I think I just really like the drama 😔

💥 — What emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

Thorne... can be frustratingly complicated when it comes to dealing with emotion. He does a lot of mental gymnastics and unnecessary entangling when it comes to... how he perceives himself, and it can be a headache trying to follow him. Ironic, how someone so determined to never lose his composure is actually an absolute trainwreck. Still, I'll do my best to answer!

(Ah, and a reminder that Thorne's thoughts and opinions do not necessarily align with my own, and that they're not always, well... right.)

Thorne is the type to feel with everything in him — and it's a part of himself that he's grown to despise. Sadness, grief, longing, compassion, and hope: they will do nothing. They will accomplish nothing. He sees it as an unnecessary indulgence — something he lets himself feel just to validate himself. To pretend that he's a better person than he really is. That he can be better.

He can't.

Take compassion, for example. For Thorne, compassion coming from him is a useless token. Compassion is pointless when no action is taken, and he can't— he can't promise anything. And what good is feeling sympathy for anything when you can't do anything to help them?

Once upon a time, he had worn his heart on his sleeve. He used to be brighter, all smiles and laughter: a light that waveringly persisted even after the destruction of his village. And he had tried to help — to save people, to do good in the world. But after a few events that I won't get into right now, he... became disillusioned. Overly so, I would say. After all, what was the point in having a bleeding heart when you wouldn't be able to save them no matter how much you bled? When you would only make things worse? He began to harden and hold the world at an arms length. Slowly, he learned to conceal himself, to manipulate and charm and persuade.

And the more beautiful his mask became, the more he began to despise himself.

To be blunt, Thorne hates himself far too much to indulge in these emotions.

Sadness, grief, longing, compassion, and hope: he began to deal with them by either internally pulling away or leaning into his anger.

Thorne's anger isn't the raging, blood-pumping kind — not usually, anyway. His anger is focused, deliberate, like ice and frost creeping up a metal chain and delicately shattering it to pieces. Anger is easy. Anger is cold. Anger lets him look at the world with a knife-like clarity, lets him ignore the steadfast ache in his chest. Anger lets him ignore the emptiness that follows him wherever he goes. Anger... is protection.

Yes, not a very healthy way to cope. But he'll be having some hefty character development throughout the course of the game! :D

🍧 — Do they still have any objects from their childhood? What significance does it have to them? What would their reaction be if they lost it?

Thorne has a bracelet made of twine, with little wooden star-shaped beads woven into it in pretty patterns! His mother had been the one to weave the bracelet, while his father had been the one to carve the wooden stars.

It had been his thirteenth birthday gift; his father gave it to him the day before his Wreath Day. His mother had woven it for him when she fell sick with the Grey Waste. The Grey Waste was deadly, and she had known that it was very unlikely she would be able to pull through. So, shakily, laboriously, she created one last gift for her son, to be given on his thirteenth birthday.

Thorne had cried for hours when he received the bracelet, burrowing into his father's arms as he bawled his heart out. Now, the bracelet is old and worn; he keeps it in a pouch he wove himself, embroidered with patterns of his parents' favorite flowers in honor of their memory. He would be absolutely devastated if something were to ever happen to it, and would probably be shattered for days before painfully accepting that it was gone.

[braunaza]

saccharine summer .•° ✿

➸ ᴇʟʟɪᴇ ᴡɪʟʟɪᴀᴍꜱ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛᴡᴏ

➸ perplexing pollen and feelings

ᴍʏ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ ꜱᴇʀɪᴇꜱ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ

ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ

∘◦❀◦∘ thank you so much for all the love in part one! i’m so happy that you guys like it but since i’ve been kind of sick the past few days, this part might not be the best. regardless i hope you guys like this and as always ideas, thoughts, and criticism is always welcome!

∘◦❀◦∘ warnings -> (very) light swearing

∘◦❀◦∘ loser!ellie x (lowkey) loser!reader + acquaintances to lovers + friends(?) to lovers, fluff, ellie is oblivious about her feelings

An apprehensive feeling coursed through Ellie as she waited for you. Ellie had always loved horror movies. Perhaps she loved them too much? She could spend hours arguing how Jordan Peele’s movies were better than Ari Aster’s, or how the Stephen King movies did no justice to the original books. It was safe to say that Ellie Williams was a horror movie fanatic.

Yet as she stood with her ticket for ‘Longlegs’ in hand, she couldn’t help but feel anxious. Not only was she worried that it wouldn’t live up to her expectations, she also feared that it wouldn’t be your thing.

Since you had dragged Ellie out a few days ago, you gave Ellie the courtesy of choosing which movie to see at the cinema. The girl couldn’t help but jump at the chance to watch the so-called “scariest film of the year”, yet now she had second thoughts.

You didn’t seem like the kind of person to tolerate a horror movie, let alone like it. What if you hated it? Maybe Ellie should’ve chosen a different movie? Chosen a different genre altogether?

“Ellie?” You spoke, snapping her out of her spiralling thoughts.

“Oh, hey.” Ellie responded sheepishly. “You ready?”

“We need to get popcorn first, duh!” You pointed out as you took Ellie’s arm into your hand and pulled her towards the counter. “And a drink too.” You added as you reached the counter.

“Why didn’t we get snacks elsewhere? The prices are extortionate at the actual cinema.” Ellie complained as she leaned against the counter slightly. As her eyes scanned the price list, Ellie couldn’t help the groan that left her lips.

“We could share?” You offered at the sound for her non-verbal complaint. “Only if you want to, of course. I mean it is cheaper that way, you know, and the large popcorn should be enough for the both of us.”

Your rambling makes Ellie smile ever so slightly. She would never admit it, but she liked the way you spoke. It was always so soft and sweet. Ellie could listen to you talk for hours.

“What is this a date?” Ellie mocked as she raised her slit eyebrow. “Next, you’ll buy us blue and red slushies to make each other's tongues purple.” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at her teasing.

“Fine. Go buy your popcorn at full price.” You retorted with a huff as you crossed your arms comically.

Ellie let out a small chuckle at your dramatics before turning to the girl behind the counter. As Ellie rummaged around her passenger bag, she felt your hand gently grab her wrist; stopping her movements.

“Let me pay. I’d feel bad if you paid for both the ticket and the snacks.” You explained as you pulled a pretty purse from your tote bag. “Plus, on a date, you’re supposed to pay for the lady’s food.” You teased carrying on from Ellie’s previous joke. She didn’t bother arguing with you on who should pay. She knew that you wouldn’t let her spend more money on you. That’s just the way you were. Too sweet for your own good.

After thanking the usher, you took the snacks and started to make your way towards the theatre. As you walked, Ellie felt her previous uncertainty rise once again.

“Are you sure you’re okay with the film? You don’t look like the type of person who enjoys horror movies.”

“A good movie is a good movie. I’m not all that picky.” You shrug. “You can always hold me if I get scared.” You joke making Ellie roll her eyes. Your response didn’t calm Ellie’s nerves. She didn’t know why, but she wanted you to enjoy this. She needed you to enjoy this.

Ellie opened the heavy door to the auditorium and let you walk in first. The second you stepped inside, you regretted your chosen outfit. Due to the blazing heat outside, you had worn a cute tank top and a very short denim skirt. However, the AC within the auditorium had been cranked up causing you to chatter. Ellie took notice of your shivering but didn’t say anything. She had been smarter than you and chosen to wear a baggy Korn hoodie. Comfort over style and all that.

After fumbling around in the dark for a few moments, the two of you finally found your seats situated in the back row of the theatre. Immediately, Ellie kicked off her classic converses and put up her recliner, causing your face to screw up in response.

“Gross.” You muttered. A shushing sound from Ellie came in response as the lights went black.

As the trailers began playing, Ellie found herself munching on the popcorn. You smacked her hand lightly as a way to tell her to cut it out. “Jesus, leave some for me.” You scolded. Ellie shrugged at your words as she kept devouring the shared snack.

The two of you stayed mostly silent throughout the film, with hushed comments to one another here and there. The only exception was when one of the characters burst into song. The scene was meant to be one of terror. What should’ve caused you to start quaking on your shoes, actually made the two of you burst into spluttered laughter; surely annoying the rest of the audience.

Everything was going great. You seemed to be engaged within the movie causing Ellie’s previous nervousness to completely fade. That was until she went to grab a handful of popcorn only to graze your hand instead. When she felt your soft hand brush against hers, it felt as though a shot of electricity suddenly passed through her. Ellie’s pulse quickened at the feeling of your silky touch as a flustered feeling flushed over her. She took a quick glance at you; only to find that you were completely unaffected by the encounter. What the hell was happening to her?

Throughout the rest of the film, Ellie couldn’t help but take quick glances at you. She probably spent more time looking at you, through the corner of her eye, than watching the movie. The AC was still blowing cold air throughout the theatre and she could see you were still shivering. For whatever reason, Ellie didn’t like seeing you uncomfortable but she didn’t want to do anything weird or unordinary. After long consideration and hesitation, Ellie pulled off her hoodie before draping it over you like it were a blanket. You shot her a surprised look at the action before it softened into your eversweet smile.

“Thanks.” You murmured quietly as you absentmindedly snuggled into her jumper. God, you were a sight.

“Don’t worry about it.” Ellie replied in a hushed tone as she finally set her eyes back to the big screen.

Once the movie finished, ‘Get It On’ by T. Rex starts to play as the lights flicker on. Ellie’s eyes screwed up as she adjusted to the new lighting. You both sat there in complete silence for a moment as the credits rolled.

“That was a terribly fucking movie.” Ellie complained loudly, breaking the quiet. You let out a small chuckle at her sudden outburst. “No seriously, what the fuck was that?”

“You're overreacting. It wasn’t that bad.” You argued.

“No, it was that bad. It wasn’t scary, and throwing in the devil as the antagonist last minute made it feel so rushed. Not to mention, they made the main character half-psychic, only to drop it and never mention it again. It’s so stupid.” As Ellie rambled on, you couldn’t help the soft smile that plastered itself on your lips. You loved listening to her prattle on about random things. “What?” She questioned as she took notice of your gentle expression.

“Nothing. You’re really into these kinds of films, huh?” You asked as you finally pulled yourself out of the comfort of your chair. Ellie nodded before following your direction and standing up; collecting your two-way trash in the process.

“Sorry it wasn’t the best movie.” Ellie apologised as you began to make your way out of the auditorium; walking side by side.

“I’m just glad I got to spend time with you.” You responded with your usual exuberant expression. Despite the cool air whirring through the AC, Ellie’s face began to heat up. An unusual rosiness started to spread across her pale cheeks due to your words. That was weird.

The two of you exited into the blindingly lit cinema hallway. As you reached the doors of the movie theatre, you stopped and turned to face Ellie.

“Thank you for hanging out with me today.” You said as you handed her back her hoodie. “I’ll see you again in a few days.”

You gave Ellie a quick hug before exiting the cinema, leaving her alone in the foyer. Ellie stood there as she watched you leave. Absentmindedly, she brought her hoodie up to her face and inhaled deeply. Your fruity fragrance had overtaken the usual musk of her hoodie. She should’ve been mad. Usually, your overpowering perfume irrationally irritated her, but right now, it felt like a blessing from God.

As you traversed through the far-reaching fields of green and red, you could hear Ellie struggling behind you. Ellie was usually on top of her allergies. She always made sure to take her prescribed hayfever tablets every single morning. Unfortunately for her, she forgot today. It was almost comical that she had forgotten to take them on the day in which she’d be surrounded by the pollinated plants.

Perhaps she had forgotten because she was so distracted by her appearance?

Ellie had never cared about her looks before. However that morning she had an overwhelming itch to make herself look perfect. For the first time in forever, Ellie had actually taken time to consider her outfit as she spent hours staring at her various shirts. Eventually, she settled on a plain white tank; one of her few clothes that didn’t contain any kind of stain. Ellie was absolutely oblivious about what could’ve brought upon this sudden change within herself.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” You asked as you heard Ellie sniffle once again from behind you. “We can go home and do this another day.”

“No!” Ellie responded too quickly at your suggestion. She cleared her throat before shaking her head. “I mean you’ve already paid for it. It’d be too much of a hassle to rebook it.”

You let out a sigh as Ellie continued to splutter behind you. At any moment, Ellie’s eyes could grossly swell up due to the influx of pollen. She should really go home but you knew that there was no point arguing with her. Once she had decided something, she would stick with it. Ellie was just as stubborn as you were.

As you continued walking, Ellie picked a strawberry off of it’s leaf and, instead of placing it inside the woven basket, she popped it into her mouth.

“Don’t do that. You’re not supposed to eat them now.” You scolded as you gently grabbed another strawberry before placing it in the basket. “Plus it’s not been washed. There could be bug poop on it.” You pointed out. After you spoke, you paused for a moment before gasping dramatically. “You ate bug poop”. You squealed as an exaggerated look of contorted grossness appeared on your face.

You let out an ‘eww’ sound causing Ellie to roll her reddening eyes.

“Haha. You’re so funny and totally not immature.” Ellie retorted sarcastically as you stuck your tongue out at her.

The two of you continued to pick the strawberries as the sun beamed down on you. As always, you had dressed accordingly to both the weather and the event. Ellie thought it was cute that you had chosen to wear a checked red and white tank top that matched the fruits. Before this summer, your outfit would’ve sent her into an illogical rage, however that had changed. She had begun to accept your constant desire to look aesthetic. In fact, she found it kind of endearing. As you continued picking the fruits, Ellie couldn’t help but stare at you. You looked perfect.

She couldn’t help herself as she cautiously took her phone out of her jean pocket and snapped a picture of you. Unfortunately for her, her phone wasn’t on silent. The clicker sound caused you to turn around sharply; taking your eyes off the strawberries to catch Ellie with her phone out.

Embarrassment washed over her as she stood there with her tail tucked between her legs. She had felt as though she’d gotten caught doing something wrong and was about to be reprimanded by Joel. Just as she was about to profusely apologise, you took the phone right out of her hands before inspecting the image carefully.

“Cute!” You squealed; favoriting the photo. “Make sure to send it to me.” You continued as you handed her back her phone. A bashful expression lay across Ellie’s face during the entire interaction which only deepened once your hand grazed her’s in the returning process.

Eventually, after an hour or so, your woven bag had reached its maximum potential. You had insisted on packing the basket as full as possible, so that you could get your money's worth, which resulted in a ridiculous amount of the red fruit being stuffed into the small space. The two of you started to make your way over to the small wooden building at the start of the farm; escaping the summer’s sensation and the pollen’s pillory.

As you entered the farmhouse, Ellie rubbed her slightly swollen eyes. She was so happy to finally get out of the farmland’s field.

“I appreciate you doing this with me even with your allergies.” You said with a slight snicker. In this state, Ellie looked ridiculous. Whilst her watercolour eyes did cause a pitying feeling within you, one of hilarity overruled it. However, you did find it cute that she thugged it out just for you.

Ellie shrugged at your thanks, biting back a soft smile, as you both sat down; placing the basket on the table between you. You took a strawberry from the top of the pile and moved it towards Ellie’s lips. A look of confusion appeared on her face before she hesitantly inched it towards the fruit. Slowly, she opened her mouth and took a bite, letting you feed the strawberry to her. The whole situation was really weird but somehow, Ellie didn’t mind that much. As long as it was you, she wouldn’t mind anything.

You watched as Ellie chewed the strawberry before letting out a low laugh.

“What?” She asked with a whine; her mouth full with the fruit.

“Nothing.” You said as you tried to hold back your laugh. “It’s just that it’s stained your lips pink.”

As you spoke, Ellie absentmindedly brought her fingers up to her lips. “Ew! Get it off.” Ellie spluttered as a disgusted look appeared at the thought of her tinted lips. Ellie started aggressively wiping her mouth on the back of her hands, causing you to explode into laughter.

“No, no, no! It’s cute.” You argued as Ellie continued to rub at her lips. “It kind of suits you. You should let me do your makeup sometime.” You suggested with a giggle causing Ellie’s grossed out expression to grow. In return, you let out a faux pout before laughing it off once again.

“How’d it taste?” You question as she finally swallowed the fruit.

“Sweet.” Ellie answered bluntly. Her non-descriptive response gave you nothing to work with, causing you to shoot her an unimpressed look. “It tasted the same as how your perfume smells.” She continued, finally giving you an answer that you were satisfied with.

“So absolutely amazing?” You retorted sarcastically. You expected Ellie to respond with some sort of snarky comment or at least roll her eyes at you, but she didn’t. Instead, a bashful expression spread across her face as she muttered out a soft ‘yeah’.

∘◦❀◦∘ tag list -> @diddiqueen @liasxeatt

∘◦❀◦∘ edit -> i forgot to add tags and now im gonna kms :/

[queenoffantasyland]

So about whatshisname…

First off, I will admit this is kind of an intense overshare to just dump onto Tumblr, but I’m a millennial with a lot of emotions and this is what we do. In order to protect a semblance of anonymity, I have changed names and kept locations vague. But I am pouring this all into a Google Doc because I have still been processing how in less than a year a person went from a mild acquaintance to one of the most important people in my life and then it only took another year for him to become somebody that I used to know. They say hindsight is 20/20, but it still feels like I can see the traffic light but the blurred sunbursts of colored lights obscure the path ahead of me necessitating another lens to see things clearly.

So as the dulcet tones of Julie Andrews remind me: the beginning is a very good place to start. Being social has not been my strong suit. From about 2nd grade to my early 20s I straight-up didn’t have friends. On multiple occasions I was told I was “too much” and between repeated rejection from friendships, a cross-country move, and 4 middle schools later I understood that there were people that would allow me to sit at their table for lunch but did not want to engage with me socially once the final bell rang. No sleepovers, no birthday parties, no “let’s go to the movies and then get Taco Bell.” Likewise, if making friends was this unattainable– dating or flirting with guys in my teen years was completely off the table. But I had given myself the hope that I just needed to move back to California and go to college, where I’d find my sitcom-like circle of friends and the perfect guy and be happy.

College at first gave me hope but it was very clear, very soon, that I was the seventh wheel in the group. I had social engagements that I went to now but I was only included as the roommate of the effervescent Vocal Performance major that could flirt with the best of ‘em. Fortunately, my roommate's shitty boyfriend went to church with Daphne, who ran in different social circles but also liked talking about pop culture and wasn’t put off by the intensity of receiving a Powerpoint of TV recommendations. We stayed “periodically texting each other” friends even as I left the university I was attending. Being away from family and in an environment where my worst impulses were fully unregulated, and my deep loneliness had not been solved by leaving my small town prompted my mental health to spiral downward. So my parents had me transfer to a college on the East Coast to live with my sister as a hail mary attempt getting me to fit the plan every boomer parent sets out for their daughter: focus on your grades, go to college, meet someone to marry, get a good job, get a house, etc. It was at this new college that I entered a deep depression that was truly the darkest time of my life. It became clear that higher education was not for me, and I moved back to California to live with my parents and work full-time.

The only thing keeping me from my darkest thoughts and helping me hold on during this period was finding my people in online fandom communities. Finding other women out there who thought about fictional characters as often and as in-depth as me was a lifeline. I found people just as moved by the power of stories and a good romance. We were of varying ages and lived in various time zones, but we were kindred spirits. People who didn’t just tolerate me talking about Felicity Smoak or Elizabeth Swann for hours on end, but found enjoyment from it. People who didn’t think I was “too intense” for saying that our friendship meant so much to me a few weeks into knowing each other. It was in this safe space, that I brought Daphne,my one sorta-kinda friend from college, into fandom and bonded to where she is now one of my very best friends. To this day, I have women that I meant through tumblr or Twitter that are my lifeline that make all the out-of-pocket nonsense that fandom brings worth it.

Now I have friends for the first time since I was ten. Awesome! Shouldn't I be dating though too? I should’ve had a kiss that was not a part of a high school play with a closted gay kid by now, right? And even that kiss I had to be the initiator. That’s what women in their early 20s do. Get on those apps, go on dates, have some epic first love or a string of comically regrettable boyfriends to laugh about when you are older. I guess. So I hop onto OkCupid and play the swiping game during my breaks at my mall retail job, and find a guy that is Christian, into movies, and cute enough. We message for about a week and he says we should go on a date: a movie and dinner. I’m about to get my “has gone on an actual date and isn’t a prudish spinster” badge! I drive an hour to a strip mall by where he lives and we see The Big Short and eat overpriced burgers at a nearby gastropub. It’s all going perfect. He walks me to my car after dinner and when I think he’s going in for a hug he kisses me. My cheeks are inflamed with an immediate blush. He’s going in for a second kiss, but I have no idea what to do so I hug him and give a cute little wave as I flee into my car to drive to Daphne’s apartment to freak out over the whole thing over a cup of Coldstone. This should be magical, right? Why does the feeling of his lips on mine feel about the same as the high school theater kiss? I wrote it off in my head that I wasn’t expecting the kiss and that’s why it had no spark. Fast forward to the end of the second date, watching Creed and dinner at PF Chang’s, that I realized while this guy was nice enough I wasn’t actually interested in him. I was interested in fitting in and not being the weirdo that’s never had a guy kiss them even into my twenties. Neither of those things are reason enough to keep dating a guy that is essentially a prop in my coming-of-age checklist, so I texted him that I didn’t think things were going to work out for a third date. After those two dates, I put dating on the backburner and prioritized other aspects of my life: mental health, repairing family relationships, trying to achieve a semblance of financial independence, etc. Granted there were enough fictional or celebrity crushes over the years that in addition to the purchase of my first vibrator, did confirm that I was indeed attracted to guys; but dating was never a focus.

So in building my career and being closer to family, I move back to Texas in fall of 2017 and start a new job. This is where I meet Jared. To paint a picture,my sports-averse self was attracted to him even when he was discussing football. One of my fandom friends asked if there were cute guys at the new job that caught my fancy, to which I replied “The only dude remotely attractive is my freaking trainer and that’s not an option.” Since I’ve valued building a reputation of professionalism, his role as a trainer and later to a manager precluded any of that initial attraction from growing into anything else (as if I could flirt or be confident to act on it at the time but that’s not the point). I packed those butterflies into a box and shoved that box into the attic– to the point that I’d forget that box existed. There was the time when he was back in my department and noted that he saw my Bumble profile, didn’t swipe right because he didn’t want to cross those lines, but commented that I have a nice profile. His respectfulness and professionalism mixed with a bit of a compliment made me remember that box of butterflies in the attic, and then promptly shoved it back in the rafters. Reign it in, girl.

Fast forward a few years and he’s back in the department I work in again as an interim while they look for a new person to fill the manager role. I’m in the interview process to potentially get that role, which means I can relax a little in my current position and not be laser-focused on making sales every second I’m at work and actually talk to people. It’s at this time that one of my coworkers gives me the 411 on Jared. You know those coworkers who have the magical ability to get everyone they talk to to divulge their entire life story? This was her. So it’s at this time that I learn that he’s a lot closer to my age than I thought he was, that he also had family in church leadership like me, we both like nerdy pop culture shit, and that he’s tired of “dating around” and “wants to find a wife”. Keep in mind that the company where I work is kinda weird in how they sorta encourage people to date, married couples to both work there, etc. With all this in mind, I decided to take my mind off of the job interview I did for the manager role by chatting with Jared. As we both look out the window I comment on the sunset, and he responds with an anecdote of how during the last time he worked in this department he’d take a picture of the sunset every evening and send it to his girlfriend at the time “This sunset is almost as beautiful as you.” Externally, I tease him about how corny but smooth that line is. Inside, I’m melting. It’s such a sweet little romantic gesture that I have never gotten to experience, I’ve just read it in fanfic. I excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom as the realization of just how much I’d love to experience something like that, and potentially experience that with Jared. And thus the rafters give way, the box falls down from the attic and breaks open to release those 4 year old butterflies.

So I got the manager job the next day, and have about 2 weeks before I start my new role giving me very little to do at work except chat with Jared on the days we are scheduled together. He gives me his phone number in case I need his help as I adjust to the new role. After a few strictly work related texts, an actual friendship begins to form as text conversations stray to movie trailer reactions and other light but fun topics. He finds reasons to pop by my department’s office to say hi even though we work nowhere near each other. It is in one of those chats that we talk and I see that his smile doesn’t reach his eyes, his normal charismatic and jovial demeanor is dimmed in a way that only someone also good at veiling sadness with a happy face can tell. The middle of shift is not the time or place to call him out on it, but that evening I texted Jared to check in and let him know I am here for him for more than reacting to the latest episode of Moon Knight. He opens up to me about things he’s been struggling with and we proceed to have a text conversation for the next four and a half hours– topics ranging from mental health struggles and past traumas to the “three fictional characters to describe me” meme and comedians we enjoyed.It was definitely a turning point, where I truly felt we were getting to know each other and really connect. The fact that my deepest friendships were made in text conversations or DMs on Twitter made it easy for me to open up and be my most authentic self. And as these Sunday night text conversations continued, I knew that my crush was moving beyond infatuation.

At the end of that summer, I went on vacation: a day at Disneyland and then a girls’ trip in Lake Tahoe with some of my closest friends made through the Olicity fandom. I was in my favorite place in the entire world, and I still couldn’t stop thinking of him. In the hundreds of times I've been to Disneyland I’ve looked at the couples holding hands, wearing coordinating outfits, or kissing during World of Color and wistfully thought “One day.” And now as I walked through the Happiest Place on Earth, I couldn’t help but think of what it would be like to share it with Jared. I wasn’t able to help myself from texting throughout the day sharing pics of Avengers Campus and Galaxy’s Edge. At the end of the day, I saw a Chewbacca pen in one of the shops on Main Street USA and just had to buy it for him. I gave a teaser text with the gift and he freaked out a little that I’d get him something because apparently he’s extraordinarily bad at receiving gifts which I just found even more endearing. Once in Tahoe, I had the opportunity to catch my ladies up with the whole situation. They totally shipped us and encouraged me to be bold and make a move– sometimes guys are dumb and you have to say you like them with a neon sign. I thought my particular brand of nerd flirting was not that subtle. I mean in the “three fictional characters to describe me” meme discussion I told him he was a mixture of Nick Miller, Han Solo, and Andrew Garfield Spider-Man, but I trusted my friends that were either married or had a serious boyfriend since this all was still very much uncharted waters for me. So while I knew I needed to be bold I wanted to invite him to a group setting where we could spend more time together outside of work before going on an outright date. When I got back from the girls’ trip, I invited him to my family’s Labor Day barbecue where he would basically meet my whole family and some of my sister’s friends from church to keep the whole thing still fairly lowkey. He was super stoked at the invite, since living hours away from family is rough on big holidays. He was a perfect gentleman and offered to pick me up to drive to my parents’ house together and offered to bring a bottle of wine to be a good guest. I informed neither me or my family drink (this will come up later) but that his presence was a gift unto itself. Before we walked into my parents’ house, I gave him the Chewbacca pen I got for him at Disneyland. His delighted laughter made my impulse buy totally worth it.

It was an amazing day. Good food, lots of laughter, and he fit in with my family so well. I had even warned my crazy aunt that I was bringing a guy that I was just friends with and to please be chill in hopes things could one day be more. Even she was on her best behavior, which made my mom joke if I could bring him every major holiday. It went literally perfectly. When it was time for him to go I had him drive me back to my apartment, even though as soon as he left I got in my car to go back to my parent’s house to gush about him with my mom and sister. Everyone loved him. He even texted a nice thank you for inviting him and that my family was so welcoming and he had a great time. I made the (only kind of a) joke with him about me separating my work and personal personas by being Maddison at work and Maddie with those who know and care about me, and that I enjoyed getting to be Maddie with him for a full day. To which he replied, he can see the difference and he really liked getting to know Maddie (with a blushing emoji at the end). At that point, I was far past a crush and this was becoming real feelings.

The following week, I was scrolling through Instagram and I got an ad for a string quartet concert playing movie scores from SciFi and Fantasy films being played in a candlelit venue. This was it. I literally couldn’t imagine a better first date for us. I talked about it with my friend in LA and she mentioned that these events sell out quickly so I should go ahead and get the tickets since they were relatively inexpensive. So with tickets already bought and after drafting the invite text and focus grouping it with like 8 different women to make sure I had the right levels of flirty but casual, I sent him an invite to the concert. He had the valid excuse of family being in town but in a second text asked if there were other dates. So hope was not lost yet at this point. I texted him the other dates but left the ball in his court. No word on the concert, but then he came over to my apartment to binge watch Andor. I ordered his favorite red velvet cake on DoorDash and as coached by my married friends I made the effort to gradually sit close together on the couch as each episode moved along. I distinctly remember being so frustrated that I couldn’t skip over the feelings confession part so we could just fast forward to cuddling on the couch watching this show because it just felt so right. Another night he texts me out of the blue that he’s taking stock of what’s good in his life and getting to know me and become friends with me is one of the best parts of his year. The happy tears come and it takes everything in me to not gush about how important he is to me and how much I care about him. We’re getting closer to the breaking point of my chill.

Shortly thereafter, our workplace is throwing this big annual party. My social battery was running low, so I left pretty early but as is our Sunday night tradition at this point I still text Jared before going to bed. He says the party was fun until it wasn't. His heart took a beating, but he’ll survive… he always does. I had never heard him sound this defeated and hurt before. My emotions are bubbling to the surface, but I have the good sense to text Daphne since she’s on the west coast time zone to figure out how to respond. I send her a truly embarrassing voice note of me sobbing and talking about how I hurt when he hurts and want to tell him how much I care about him and how he deserves so much better than people who would treat him poorly. And before I could truly embarrass myself and text all of this to him, Daphne tells me “Bitch, it’s 1am. Go to bed.” In the sanity of the morning, I can send a much more reserved “I’m so sorry. Sending hugs.” text instead of a geyser of emotion at, in hindsight, the worst timing possible. Things fall back into their rhythm, until one day I am in my car on my lunch break with my music library on shuffle and “Wrapped in Red” by Kelly Clarkson comes on. It’s October so arguably too soon for Christmas music, but I let it play because 1) that song is a bop and 2) the lyrics really start hitting.

I’ll never feel you

If I don’t tell you

This Christmas, I’m gonna risk it all

This Christmas, I’m not afraid to fall

So I’m at your door with nothing more

Than words I’ve never said

It’s at this point that I realize I am well past the point where I need to tell Jared how I feel so we both know where we stand. It’s no longer healthy for me to keep harboring these feelings to myself, and the next time there’s an emotional conversation I won’t have the restraint to keep it to myself. However, I don’t want to have this conversation at work and this is too big to have over text message even though that’d be infinitely easier. So conveniently another Marvel movie is coming out in theaters the following week. I ask him to the movie with a hint of flirtation but with platonic plausible deniability. He says yes. I get a little bolder and ask him to dinner beforehand, which he agrees and offers to pick me up from my apartment. Another good sign. One week, dozens of text conversations with friends talking through all the possibilities, and a hundred anxiety spirals later, and Monday night comes around. My outfit was meticulously planned– casual and in character with what I wear normally but the turtleneck has a cleavage cutout to bring a tasteful amount of “va va voom” . We keep mostly to small talk on the ride to the restaurant, and once we are seated the conversation deepens. I mention my limited dating history and get into topics previously mentioned in this essay. Jared opens up and reveals he was in a relationship that ended a few months ago abruptly with his girlfriend cheating on him with his close friend at the time. My heart sinks. I’m hurt he had to go through that, but I also know the result of the conversation I was planning for the car ride home is not going to have the result I want it to have. Fortunately, Wakanda Forever gave me plenty of excuses to cry in the theater. Regardless, the conversation still needs to be had so I start with confirming that the invite to the concert was me asking him out, and from there it all spills forth. The crush and friendship that developed to infatuation, that developed to real feelings, that I could see us being compatible and really working together, that he had everything I was looking for in a partner with the added bonus of majestic hair and being taller than me. I continued that even though he’s been dealing with a lot, it’s still my choice if I want to be there alongside him to shoulder those burdens. We are now pulled into the parking garage for my apartment. He reiterates that he is still processing all that he’s had to go through this year and that (this is a direct quote still seared into my soul) “if there’s a 5% chance that my baggage and what I’m going through could hurt you, I can’t take that risk.” I am doing all that I can not to burst into tears, and so to lighten the mood I say “Don’t read into the fact I got you a Christmas present, Etsy doesn’t do returns.” Which is a silly way to say I’ve been so head over heels for you I bought your Christmas present in fucking August, but I digress. He opens the car door, gives me a hug, and the thought isn’t lost on me that the first time I touch him is an ending not a beginning. And thus began my first true heartbreak.

Naturally, the following days made things worse somehow. I woke up feeling miserable and aching all over. At first I thought it was just a physical manifestation of my emotional turmoil, and forced myself to get out of bed with a pep talk of “You are a freaking professional and you’re not going to call out of work because a boy made you sad. Take a hot bath and pull yourself together.” Then after I proceeded to projectile vomit in the bathtub, I realized I actually had some kind of flu and did actually need to stay home. So I slept through most of Tuesday but was crying for most of the time I was awake. Of course this meant Wednesday was when I started my period, because adding period symptoms on to all of this is exactly what I need. Thus in a moment where I curled up on the floor, nose bleeding from blowing my nose too much, still crying, headache from all the crying, aches everywhere from the flu and Aunt Flo, and wallowing in self-pity that I got a little messy and made a “fishing for attention” post on my Close Friends instagram story. Just a quick slide with text about how I was sick of being sick and sick of crying all the fucking time. I’m not going to lie, I was (admittedly irrationally) irritated that I was feeling this miserable and he’s just getting to have a Wednesday. Lo and behold, I get a text from Jared: “Saw your IG story. How can I help?” – a level of obliviousness which nearly made me throw my phone across the room. At this point, I knew subtlety was not an option. I acknowledged that I had to stop reading between the lines and that he saw me as just a friend and that broke my heart–something I needed to process and he couldn’t help with.

I want to stress that I did not then nor do I now begrudge him for not returning romantic feelings towards me. He was not obligated to feel the same way. However, the bordering on overshare of feelings that I expressed made things abundantly clear where I stood on things and anything said or done at this point was regarded considering that mutual knowledge.

So here’s where the mixed signals began. He responds that he currently sees me as a friend and also he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. Would he maybe see me differently when he is ready for a relationship? Who knows, it’s possible. And then some more stuff about how he’s sorry he caused me pain, blah blah blah. But my deluded hopeless romantic self still took the dangled maybe of who knows what will happen in the future and ran with it. “This is us at just six months of friendship, stay friends with him and we can be even closer once he heals from his cheating whore of an ex. Maybe if you get back on the bandwagon and lose weight you’ll look more like the girls he usually dates when he’s ready. This is all just bad timing, but maybe your story together isn’t done yet.” The last sentence was the only part of that spiral that was true. This is just a story that doesn’t have the original happy ending anticipated.

Meanwhile, our work Christmas party comes along and I have him pick me up because I’m a passenger princess who doesn’t like to drive outside of my 10 mile bubble but also to still keep the spark going and see where our friendship is at now. It’s a fun night of games and getting to know some of the other managers. There’s a solid group of friends in a similar age range as me that are actually really fun to hang out with. On the ride home, Jared talks about how it’s fun to see me come out of my shell and some of the others get to see me be “not as innocent as I appear”. He also talks about how the group of managers usually hang out on Sunday nights after work and that he’ll talk to the group to see if they’re cool with me joining the next time they go out. I’m honestly so excited at the prospect of a group of friends, I forget to spiral (at least until much later) about how that means our usual 9pm-1am Sunday night text convos must have been when he was out at a bar with friends and all that that implies.

Christmas comes along and he appreciates the thoughtful present I gave him of a coaster laser engraved with the design of his favorite football stadium and a homemade rice krispie treat. And since I gave him the heads up towards the end of Car Ride of Pain that I was getting him something, he had texted me earlier in December that after the hardest time searching he found the perfect present. On Christmas Eve, he shows up at my department on his day of PTO to give me my present. My coworkers are nosy so I wait until my lunch break to open it, which was smart because I teared up when I opened it. And it’s so thoughtful and sweet that I would’ve LOVED this gift as the first Christmas present from a boyfriend. I still love the gift but I’m also confused. So were my Twitter friends.

After Christmas I started hanging out with the group of managers and they were super chill and really welcoming. Towards the latter part of our first hang out there’s the round table topic of “what celebrity would want to have sex with? Man and woman.” One of the guys was debating between Henry Cavill and Jason Momoa and ended up picking Momoa. I joked “Solid pick. Momoa has more grabbable hair.” Jared and his stupid long hair turns to me and loudly says “Hmmmm. I’m learning some things about you.” I go red and my brain short circuits and I can’t think of a response beyond “Yep.” so that’s how I respond and leave it at that. AND THEN, he brings the topic back up after the “Made it home safe?” text, saying that he’s still thinking about my comment on grabbable hair. I quickly respond “So we’re going there?” trying to clarify what we are doing because this is decidedly not platonic. To which he replies, “I guess we are.” This time I did throw my phone across the room. Luckily, it landed in a to-be-folded pile of laundry. I typed and retyped a reply five times. Once my west coast friends got back to me that my idea to respond with “Everyone likes a hair grab. Why do you think I wear a high ponytail so often?” was too dirty, I decided to leave him “on read” and go to bed.

Meanwhile we still have long text conversations with serious topics like being broke af, and silly things like memes about Formula One racing (which I admittedly did get into to impress him but still legitimately enjoy it and have another friend to talk about it with). But now mixed with weirdly flirty stuff like “With the length of my hair right now, I look like Loki in Thor: Ragnarok when I get out of the shower”. Nerd flirting, but definitely flirting. Especially when I have admitted in a conversation when out with friends that I’ve read Tom Hiddleston/Reader fanfiction.

Then one day, I have a truly shitty and overwhelmingly stressful day at work. My parents were on vacation and my sister was on a work trip, so even after everything he was still next in line for who I wanted to talk to to process this. He talked me through the issue and how to best cope with it and then the conversation strayed. It was the first time since Car Ride of Pain that we actually acknowledged what was discussed. He was curious why I spoke to my feelings then. I discussed the times I wanted to bring it up earlier and he confirmed it was for the best that I did not then (especially the night of the big work party). He gave me advice about flirting on apps like Hinge and Bumble, it was kinda weird but I could use all the advice I could get. And then he offered another piece of “friendly advice”. To paraphrase, he recommended that I reconsider my decision not to drink alcohol and make sure I am doing it for me and not because of my upbringing; because guys on dates will worry that I don’t know how to relax and be loose around them if I do not have at least one drink on a date. He even admitted that he thought about what it would be like to date me but the fact that neither me or my family drinks was a problem because he could not see our lifestyles being compatible. Admittedly, my family does not drink for religious reasons. However, when I was old enough I knew I did not want to drink alcohol because of my poor impulse control regarding food and drink (even if that drink is Diet Dr Pepper). When I got to a restaurant, I don’t have a soda, I have seven. Consequently, I made the decision to not even open the door to drinking alcohol.

However, in a series of decisions I am embarrassed and genuinely not proud of, I took his words to heart and decided to experiment with alcohol. I framed it as wanting to build some confidence before I put myself back out there in the dating world, but really I wanted to show that I was fun and cool, and could live in his world. Had some spiked Simply Lemonade to test the waters which was not great but fine. Daphne recommended a rum and coke as a starter drink but when I tried it at home it was so gross that I had to brush my teeth three times after. And then when my friend group went out to our usual bar on Sunday night, I ordered the fruity drink the 22 year old in the group usually orders and inhaled it in about thirty seconds. So I got another. Trying to see what the buzz was really like, when really the biggest rush was the pleased look on his face when I ordered the second drink. In reality, alcohol just makes me sleepy (and want to cuddle but not exactly the venue for that). There was another work party that was BYOB and I brought some fruity Seagrams and when my boss commented this was the first of the parties that I drank at he joked that our friend group was corrupting me. Nearly a hundred bucks later, and the only thing close to a buzz was wanting to go to bed at 11pm one time, and I calculated that I didn’t actually enjoy alcohol at all. It finally dawned on me just how stupid drinking to impress a guy is, and just how terrible Jared’s advice was. That’s not the kind of advice you want from a potential romantic partner, and even more that’s not the kind of advice a good friend would give. In hindsight, I should’ve seen this straight away as a sign that this is not the kind of person to pursue nor the kind of person I should be friends with.

A while after the drinking debacle, Jared has been radio silent for a long time. When we interact at work on occasion, he’s noticeably distant and acting kind of weird. My instinct was telling me to reach out to him just to check that everything’s ok given his previous mental health struggles and also that he still has me (at this point in time) as a friend. Then he shows up to the Sunday night hangout for the first time in forever. A decent chunk of my friend group is chronically and comically late, so it’s me, Jared, and one of the managers with his girlfriend. Jared had stepped away for a phone call earlier in the evening for a while which was… weird, but I still ignored instincts. Then all of a sudden, I look in Jared’s direction and can’t help but see he has a picture of a girl on his lockscreen that is usually some car-related pic. At this point, I really thought I had fully moved on and was okay with being just friends. Even to the point that I was comfortable being frank with him in talking about the time period where I was halfway in love with him. But seeing the photo of the girl, and the fact that he never even dropped a text to make me aware he was dating somebody, made old wounds fresh again. I waved for the waitress to get my check and then it was a race against the clock to not start sobbing in the middle of this bar in front of my friends who know nothing about my history with Jared at this point. Literally as soon as I get my debit card back and sign the receipt, I walk as fast as I can without running to get out of my car and the tears come the instant I make it through the door. It really is a less than pleasant experience to finally be able to relate to Taylor Swift lyrics but he wasn't mine to lose and I really had been living the past several months for the hope of it all. And now that hope is shattered. He was ready to date again, and once again it was not me that he wanted. My romantic dream had always been that I would find someone that really got to know me, and would then decide that they wanted more of me in their life. Once again that did not happen. I opened myself to him in so many ways: the dark thoughts, the imperfections, my hyperfixations and the weird sense of humor that follows, and it was not a package he was interested in. So I cried and I cried that night and mourned the hope of what could have been because it wasn’t going to happen.

So let's see how being 1000% platonic friends with Jared goes. I’m at over 6,000 words in this saga and it’s 2am so I’m going to be more concise in this part. I get an awesome career opportunity to take more responsibility and have a chance to develop a team and demonstrate my leadership skills to senior management. My family and the majority of my friends were super excited for me. I explain the change to Jared and he goes “Huh. That’s an interesting choice.” And in that moment I couldn’t tell which hurt more: him not thinking that I’m going to be great at this and expressing that he’s excited for me or the fact that apparently I still value his opinion of me so damn much. Then it’s July and I’m making plans to celebrate my 30th birthday. In one of our many long text conversations, I had opened up to him about not have friends growing up and then even when I made friends they were long distance, so I was so excited to not just enjoy the festivities of a milestone birthday but be able to have a birthday with friends present that care about me and are happy to celebrate me. So I send the text to the group chat 3 weeks in advance (enough time to make plans around but not so far ahead people forget) with info for a birthday dinner at a nearby restaurant and then potentially seeing Barbie. I even made sure to schedule it after everyone’s shift would be over to ensure as many people as possible could come. Everyone begins to reply that they are coming, including Jared, and then two days later I get a “sorry I can’t go” text without further explanation. And from that point he basically dropped out of my life.

It was then the realization that I had avoided for a while hit. Some of my friends had said throughout all of this that he was putting me on a shelf but being nice enough about so he could always come back later when he needed the ego boost. I didn’t want to believe it and rationalized that couldn’t be the case because my long distance friends never met him and only knew half of the equation. But I now realize how right they were. Jared was going through a shitty time in his life when he got close to me, and in every conversation I complimented him.This made the pattern for him to talk to me when he was feeling down and my unconditional support and adoration made him feel better, and even after the feelings conversation that occurred in the Car Ride of Pain he could keep this pattern going with the tiniest bit of flirting. Then his life got better from the previous year, he’s no longer experiencing professional burnout and got himself a girlfriend again– making no need to go through the effort of maintaining a friendship with me.

So why write nearly 7000 words about this now? Well, it's definitely been a catharsis to be able to let this all out. But the catharsis was mainly needed, because I have been able to ignore all the hurt from July and the 18 months prior by simply not being around him and now I have a mandatory meeting where I see him once a week and have to act all cheery and professional.

On its own a birthday party does seem like a silly thing to end a friendship over, but it really was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was now clear, especially after writing all of this out, that as much as I had thought about him, paid attention to every detail of every conversation, etc. that he did not hold our conversations and our friendship in a remotely similar level of regard. Plainly, I deserve better from people I consider a friend. But in order to heal from the end of a friendship, I have to acknowledge that this all happened and it was a very important part of my life for some time.

Now that it’s written down, he can be just a story. An anecdote to note the end of my twenties. He can be one of the managers that works on the first floor and is neighbors with my boss and one of my friends. That’s it and that’s okay.

The End

[atlantaartisticweddings]

Brides depend on Google Review for Atlanta Wedding Photographers

As one of the many Atlanta wedding photographers out there,  I think the reviews found on Google help brides and grooms make informed decisions.  Google reviews are a trusted source of information.  They are reviews written by clients that have had experiences with a company’s services.  As an Atlanta wedding photographer I love to hear feedback from clients.

When a person is hiring an Atlanta wedding photographer it is a new experience for them.  It is not like they hire a new wedding photographer every week.  So I think a good place to start is Google.  You can see how long the business has been open.  You can see how many positive reviews they have.

It makes me feel good when I get a positive review.  I feel so honored that a person took the time to write a review and share their experience with Atlanta Artistic Weddings.  Below are some of my favorite bride and groom’s reviews.

Belinda:

“:David is so amazing! He shot our engagement photos, paebaek (traditional korean ceremony) photos, and wedding photos as well! He is such a pleasure to be around. Both my husband and I are shy around the camera but he made the whole experience very comfortable and enjoyable. He is such a patient and kind individual. I could not recommend him enough to anyone! Nothing but wonder and praise for David and his team!”

Preston:

“Brian and I can't say enough good things about David and the beautiful photos he took of our wedding!! We hired David as a referral from our friend who also used him for her wedding and we couldn't be happier. David is not only reasonably priced but was nothing less than a true professional. He was willing to work with our every request and made the whole experience a blast for our wedding party, our families, our guests, and us. He was perfectly assertive and gave great direction to make sure we captured everything we wanted. Out of all our vendors, David was always the fastest to respond to our questions leading up to and including the big day. He gave us the link to see all our photos in just a few short days which made for a great surprise while we were on our honeymoon. As soon as we got home, all our photos had already arrived on a really cool wooden USB (with a branded protective case). AND he surprised us with 2 of the best photos in beautiful matching frames. Very nice unexpected touch!! We could really tell David loves what he does and it shows in the final product. Our forever photos turned out absolutely amazing and exceeded all our expectations! We have already recommended David and Atlanta Artistic Wedding Photography to several friends and acquaintances and will keep doing so!! Thank you so much, David, for capturing the best day of our lives in the most beautiful way!!!”

Kaneez:

“I do not even know where to begin about David and his team because thats how amazing he is. My husband and I talk about how kind, patient, friendly and fun David and his team is all the time!

Thank you David and team for capturing the most important and beautiful moments of my life. I highly recommend David to everyone and we will definitely be using him in the future.

I had to move my entire wedding from Canada to the US very last minute. I searched on Google for Atlanta wedding photographers and David was the only one who talked to me [not as] a client but as a friend.

I had so much fun planning and working with David prior to the wedding. He understood all my concerns and took everything I wanted and needed into consideration. I discussed with him my vision of what I wanted not only my pictures but my videography to look like and David ensured that he discussed all of it with his team.

My husband and our families are absolutely IN LOVE with our pictures. David and his team were soooo much fun to work with. He made standing outside in 100 degree weather tolerable and fun. He was patient, kind and the most caring photographer I have ever worked with. Our pictures took less a month to arrive to us and we can't stop staring at them.

We also got videography done with him as well, and I don't have the words to describe how beautiful my wedding video is. I have watched it over 50 times and I get to relive all the emotions that I went through that day. The video encapsulated every emotion and important moment from my wedding and for those who were not able to make it are able to live through it as if they were there.

Not only did I receive the wedding video but I also received all the raw footage that was taken as well as complimentary picture frames!

Once again, I highly recommend David to everyone.”

In closing, do your research when hiring a wedding photographer.  Look at reviews from Google, The Knot, and Weddingwire too, then settle on a photographer that suits your style and personality.  I hope that you find this blog useful because that is what we made it for, as a way to help our customers.

Thanks for checking out this Atlanta wedding photographers blog! I hope you enjoyed the read! Make sure you keep coming back to our blog to see what the Atlanta wedding photographers at Atlanta Artistic Weddings get up to! If you’d like to contact me go to the contact page and drop me a line at https://www.atlantaartisticweddings.com/contact-atlanta-wedding-photographer. I would love to hear from you!

Thanks again! Source: https://www.atlantaartisticweddings.com/ and Google

[palmtreesx3]

Taking a break from my normal thirsting for a certain ice cream scooper 🍨⛵... Read on if you wish. Scroll if you don't. It's not a debate. I won't entertain negativity. ✌️

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There's a lot of weird shit going on in America these days. I wrote the following rant/blurb/piece/ramble under the cut last summer, almost a year ago when shit started to really feel wild in the legislation, not just the media and for "show". When we started to see the ideas that people spewed and talked about like wild fairy tales actually start to become law. A year of this and some of the laws and bills that have come to pass after this trend have been shocking and abhorrent.

There's so much going on in states like FL, TN, TX and more that takes justifiable control away from people who deserve to control their own lives and bodies. There is too many people that don't want to be influenced by others values but want to influence the values of others. There are books being banned for having two male penguins, 10 Commandments being mandated in public school classrooms, children forceably taken away because their mother's hair is cut too short and their dress is to masculine, there is CONTINUED and immeasurable gun violence in places that should feel safe like schools, women toeing the line of the living and the dead while they can't have their own life-saving care because some non-viable cells took up residence in their uterus, women needing written permission from their spouse for a hysterectomy....

It's not about one view. It should be about many views. It's not only about reproductive choice, it's about the choice to live your own, unique and beautiful life any way you choose.

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I curse. A lot. If you know me you know that Friday is NOT my favorite F word. I don't necessarily temper my language around my kids - they know that there are mommy and daddy words and I don't give those words a ton of value in that context. I insert curse words regularly. I use them to show excitement. (FUCK YES!) I use them to emphasize frustration. (fuckkk) I use them to express anger. (That's fucking bullshit). I use them to make you pay attention.

I use them because I choose to. I use them in situations that are generally (not always) but GENERALLY at least socially acceptable. I slip up sometimes, but I read the room. I don't always make assumptions that people are comfortable hearing it. I may start if I am comfortable with YOU or in a safer space regardless of your own personal choices on language.

I have people in my life, close friends, sorority sisters, family, coworkers, casual acquaintances. That DO NOT curse. I have never heard them utter a word. Or that do but rarely, and you KNOW they are really deep in that emotion to be muttering or exclaiming the word of choice when they do.

Ya know, there is marked research that shows that people who do curse are smarter, more creative because it's activity in the right brain and have a higher social emotional skills and empathy. People who talk like me are scientifically more honest (I can feel the SHOCK). Science and legitimate research has shown there is correlation to higher levels of integrity, more robust vocabulary and literacy intelligence and even have higher pain tolerance than non-cursers. Do I feel superior? Fuck no. Do people who choose not to curse or do not believe in it feel superior to me? Maybe. Probably. But that's not my problem. They stay in their lane about it and sometimes I never know the difference.

I respect these people no less because they choose not to curse. I love them no less. I think they're no more or less of a person. They are not more moral than me because they don't say fuck. They choose to have that as part of their ethics and morality and everyone's ethics and morality is dictated differently - culture, religion, exposure, personal experience... It goes on. And you know what... People with different values still chose to like me. I still have respect, professionalism, love and friendship even with people who dont have a dirty fucking mouth. * My value is not defined by my vocabulary even when a significant amount of people do not value my vocabulary. *

Now if you don't quite know where I'm going with this yet ...I'll just clarify that I'm not comparing saying the word fuck with abortion. Not outright at least. But I sure as hell argue that I have the right to say any fucking word I want just like you have the right to choose never to utter a curse word in your life. On the continuum is people like me as using profanity as part of pretty regular language. People who casually curse but it's still not part of a typical conversation - maybe to highlight a point or display a very strong emotion. The people who curse to deal with immense stress or pain - emergency cursers. And still people who will find alternative words to express their emphasis differently for their entire life and never even consider using a phrase. All seem perfectly reasonable, huh?

Oddly enough we can have moral, values-based choices that are individualized about almost anything else...cursing, vegetarian or veganism, alcohol use, religion, gambling, educational approaches, clothing (which ironically ALSO primarily effects women). My point is that choice is about the continuum and recognizing that there is one. Veganism and vegetarianism are perfect examples of this. Vegetarians aren't wrong just because Vegans exist.

My point is that I can support someone who thinks they need to make that choice while also simultaneously supporting someone who would also never make that choice based on each individuals views simply because it's NOT my choice. I can also choose to agree on principle or morals but not make it my problem because it's NOT my choice. I can also not know a fucking thing about it because no one owes me the right to know what things are going on between their legs and inside their bodies. You do realize that you can be Pro-Choice and personally VEHEMENTLY against abortion at the exact same time, right? Well guess what.. you can.

The argument for choice is not for or against one single thing... At all. It's for the humanity to recognize that everyone's values are not and will never be the same. It's about the right to wear a mask IF YOU WANT, to decide to take Advil to cure your headache or use peppermint essential oil. It's about my right to have a colorful vocabulary.. and it's about STAYING THE FUCK OUT OF WOMEN'S VAGINAS.

[britneyshakespeare]

you know in a lot of ways i'm kind of the only child in my family of six. well it's actually a joke i've told for years because i think it's the funniest i could ever say in front of my family. just the funniest little-shit-youngest brat thing. is just stand beside the three people i share parents with and say "i'm an only child" like somehow they don't exist. but in a lot of ways i was and have always been very independent and self-willed and intrinsically motivated and i do the things i want to do and go down rabbit holes all by myself all the time and i love my own company and love being alone and living in my imagination and la di da di da.

there are a lot of things about me like my hobbies and interests and what i want to do in my life, the conventional "things" we define people by, that would be more or less the same if i did not have siblings. i would still be a poet and still be a teacher and still have a lot of the passions and inspirations, because they've had nothing to do with most of that, but it would probably just be a different flavor entirely. i don't know to what extent i come across to the followers of this blog like someone who would have siblings (although i do talk a lot with/about my twin sister on here since we're mutuals and share some followers/online friends), but in real life i see and talk about them all the time. my long-term friends who maybe have never even met my brothers have heard about them and my sisters-in-law and know their names and have heard some funny stories about them, in the present day and growing up. they know i'm close to my siblings. and as for my twin sister, there's really no one i consider a close friend who doesn't know her. if you only know me, we're acquaintances. if you've spent any time around me that wasn't in a work/school setting, i've almost certainly brought kaily along with me at some point.

so my siblings do not define me and even in the case of my brothers there are some sides of me they do not really see that my friends do, but they are my best friends in the world and i do consider myself to be my "truest" self around them. my relationships with my siblings have profoundly impacted the more abstract parts of myself, probably especially the way i can love and tolerate people different than myself. my brothers are the type of people that if they were not my brothers, if they were just random people, i would probably never form a natural bond with, but because of all the shared background i do appreciate them immensely because they're like nobody else in my life. that and, the commitment i make to being with them is just that: a commitment. sure the blood bonds will always exist but those are kind of arbitrary in comparison to the shared value we all have for each other, which is what really makes the four of us so special and does not necessarily come with every biological relationship, god knows.

that and one time at the dinner table my brother jon and i were like "yeah... yeah..." when his wife said she was the funniest person he knows because we were both like exchanging knowing glances like "nah that's me." and then my other brother dan said "actually i got into an argument the other day with [dan's wife's name] because she said she was the funniest person i knew and i said 'actually that has to be my sisters'" and i was just like YESSSSS........ YESSSSSS!!!!!!!! literally nothing else matters to me and i am not in competition with my sisters-in-law in any way in fact i love them so much; kaily and i have a very special relationship with them too. i love the sisters i gained. but i need to hear that WE are the people that make my brothers laugh the hardest. i NEED to hear that, i need that to be true of them and only them because i have been making dan and jon laugh for 24 years and i do not plan on stopping that any time soon. nope. i better always be the funniest person they know

people with lots of siblings are fascinating and by that i mean me and the davies brothers