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oceanna1919 · 3 years ago

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I Am Becoming Death {1X10, part 2}

SMUT ALERT!! If you want to skip it, don't read when you see this symbol (**) Enjoy!!

‘’ There's five to a clip. Let's go. We need to get these guns on the wall.’’ Bellamy ordered as me, Raven, Jasper, Monty and Harper worked on getting the guns ready. There isn’t a cure to this fatal virus. The grounders used it to weaken us and they are attacking tomorrow morning.

‘’ Why just five?’’ Monty asked confused.

‘’ We're running out of gunpowder.” Bellamy informed casually and I rolled my eyes.

‘’ Oh, we're so dead. Maybe we should just give up.’’ I said sharply and Jasper turned to me with a playful smile, making me raise my eyebrows.

‘’ Don't worry. I got your back.’’ He flirted and I heard Bellamy growled from beside me.

‘’Hey watch it!’’ Bellamy warned him and I took his hand and gave it a quick squeeze. Jasper looked at Bellamy bored.

‘’You don’t tell me what to do.’’ Jasper said glaring at Bellamy and he of course glared back. His jaw clenched a couple of times.

‘’ Hey, guys, stay focused. We're doing good. We need as many rounds done by dawn as we can.’’ Raven said, looking between the two of them. They continued to glare at each other without doing anything. I snapped my fingers angrily and I glared at Bellamy and Jasper.

‘’Back to work.’’ I ordered them and they get back to work with one final angry glare. Suddenly the tent opened and Finn entered.

‘’ It won't matter if there's no one left who can shoot. What do we need to build a bomb?’’ Finn asked quickly looking at Raven at the end.

‘’ Depends on what you're trying to blow up.’’ She said confused. Where he was going with that?

‘’ How about a bridge?’’ Finn asked with a small smile.

‘’ What are you talking about?’’ Bellamy asked him, kind of irritated if I may add.

‘’ Murphy says he crossed a bridge on his way back here from the Grounders' camp.’’ Finn informed us, before turning to Bellamy.

‘’ Sound familiar?’’

‘’ Yeah. So what?’’ Bellamy asked, sounding more irritated.

‘’ So the virus is fast. He's already getting better. Blowing the bridge won't stop the attack, but the longer we can delay it, the more of us will be able to fight.’’ Finn had a good point, but I don’t think his plan was going to work.

‘’Finn. Even if Murphy is telling the truth’’ I started, doing air quotes when I said ‘if’

‘’and that's a big if, that bridge has survived a nuclear war and ninety-seven years of weather.’’ I finished shaking my head softly.

‘’ It won't survive me.’’ Raven said confidently. Oh boy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Bellamy left with Finn, Jasper and Raven to get the liquid hydrazine from the drop ship explosion. I decided to stay with Octavia at the dropship and help the others. About 2 hours later, 4 delinquents brought in another figure. When I saw who it was, my eyes widened and I gasped. I felt my throat tightening and my mouth become dry.

‘’ Bellamy.’’ I whispered shocked.

‘’ Clear some space. Lay him down.’’ I ordered quickly, trying to stay as calm as possible. They laid him on some makeshift bed and he immediately started coughing blood.

‘’Move!’’ I yelled, rushing to him and turning him to the side, patting him on his back. When he finished I turned him on his back again, I took his head in my hands and I looked at him with tears in the corner of my eyes.

‘’Jas… I’m scared.’’ He admitted and my heart cracked a little bit. I caressed his face lovingly.

‘’I’m here Bellamy. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.’’ He nodded and I saw tears falling, making me cry too. I didn’t want him to die. This moment I realized that I really loved him. I really loved Bellamy Blake.

‘’Octavia, I need something to clean his face with.’’ I said quickly, wiping away my tears, looking at Octavia. She had tears too scrolling down her face.

‘’ Hey big bro. I won't let anything happen to you, I promise’’ Octavia said as she cleaned his blood from his face with a wet cloth. Bellamy smiled weakly, before coughing up more blood, making me and Octavia panic even more. She patted his back, making him throw up more blood.

‘’ That's what I said to you the day you were born.’’ He told his sister with a small smile.

‘’ I know. You told me that, like, a thousand times.’’ She said, nodding her head. Bellamy put his hand upon hers and looked at Octavia.

‘’ I'm glad you're here.’’ He admitted and I smiled at them. They absolutely loved each other, but Bellamy is over-protective and annoying sometimes, may I add and Octavia doesn’t like that, at all, so they are always arguing.

‘’Octavia, we need you!’’ Someone shouted and Octavia let out a small sigh. She looked at me as she was asking permission to go and I nodded. She looked one last time at Bellamy and after she left. He looked so fragile with pale skin, sweat, tears and blood all over his mouth. I took the wet cloth beside his makeshift bed, swiping his mouth with it gently. I could feel his eyes on me all this time. When I finished cleaning up his mouth, I finally looked at him.

‘’ Get some rest Bellamy.’’ I told him, caressing his face softly. He took my hand weakly, moving his thumb across the palm of my hand.

‘’I don’t want to close my eyes.’’ He whispered, making my heart tightening a little bit more.

‘’Why not Bellamy?’’ I asked him, my voice cracking, using my other hand to stroke his hair.

‘’I don’t want to close my eyes and never open them again, Jasmine.’’ He whispered and his voice sounded so weak. I took my hand from his hand and I stopped stroking his hair. I went behind him and I took his head, placing it gently on my laps. I took his head and kissed his cheek.

‘’ Bellamy I’m not going anywhere. I swear it. And you’re not going to die. You’re not going to get rid of me, so easily’’ I said trying to lighten up the atmosphere a little bit. He let out a small laugh and looked up at me.

‘’ Jasmine, I’m so lucky to have you by my side.’’ He said, closing his eyes. I started stroking his hair with a small smile until Bellamy fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘’Get the hell away from me!’’ I heard a familiar voice saying as I was checking some girl’s pulse. I turned my head in its direction and I saw Bellamy slapping away the cup of water Murphy tried to give him. I let out a sigh of relief seeing that Bellamy was alright.

‘’Bellamy you’re sick. I’m just trying to help.’’ Murphy said trying to convince him. I saw blood starting to drop from his nose and Murphy took a cloth, trying to offer it at Bellamy, but he just starred at it.

‘’Hey Murphy, I got this!’’ I exclaimed as I approached them. I took the cloth from Murphy and got on my knees. I gently wiped away the blood, smiling at Bellamy and he smiled back, before glaring behind me, at Murphy.

‘’When I get better, if you’re still here-‘’ Bellamy started, but I cut him. We didn’t need any more fights at this moment.

‘’Bellamy, please. Stop” I begged him weakly. He looked at me and he let out a sigh. I took the mug from Murphy with a forced smile and a got a genuine in return. Murphy left as I sat beside Bellamy, giving him the mug. He drank the water in one shot and swiped his mouth with his sleeve.

‘’ How are you feeling?’’ I asked him as he took my hand in his.

‘’Relief that I’m not dead.’’ He replied half joking and I slapped his upper arm playfully.

‘’I wouldn’t let you die. I told you that.’’ I told him seriously and he looked deep in my eyes.

‘’I know. I know that.’’ He said and he kissed the back of my hand.

‘’Have you seen Octavia?’’ He asked me and I nodded.

‘’She’s asleep. She helped me a lot last night and…She gave Murphy a break.’’ I answered. He glared at the direction that Murphy left.

‘’Don’t tell me you trust him now.’’ Bellamy scowled and I shook my head.

‘’Trust? Not even close. But, I believe in second chances.’’ I said, glaring at him. Bellamy had a lot of second chances. Murphy deserves them too. He looked at me before looking away.

‘’It’s almost dawn. We better get everyone in. If we lock the doors, maybe the grounders will think we’re not home.’’ He said and I looked at him with raised eyebrows.

‘’Not everyone is sick Bellamy. ’’I informed him and he rolled his eyes.

‘’I know Jas, but better sick than dead.’’ Oh now I understand where he’s going with that.

‘’You don’t think Finn and Jasper are gonna pull it off.’’ I said with a fake offended voice.

‘’Do you, Angel?’’ he asked me with a pointing look. I took a moment to think. Then I got up and gave him a kiss on his lips.

‘’I’ll get everyone inside.’’ I said and Bellamy gave me a small smirk.

‘’Why? I thought you trusted them.’’ I heard Bellamy saying and I turned around to glare at him.

‘’Asshole.’’ I said and he laughed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~

Αs Bellamy, Clarke and I were watching as everyone piled in the dropship, a loud explosion was heard in the distance. Bellamy tightened the grip he had one my right hand.

‘’Τhey did it!’’ I exclaimed in disbelief. I could not believe that they did it. I looked beside me, on my right and I saw Clarke looking at the huge cloud of grey some in disbelief, just like me.

‘’I am become death. Destroyer of the worlds.’’ Clarke whispered

‘’It’s Oppenheimer, The man who built the first -’’ I continued her sentence as Bellamy didn’t let me finish it.

‘’I know who Oppenheimer is.’’ Bellamy said and I saw from the corner of my eyes that he rolled his eyes. I shoved him playfully and I turned to him. I leaned up on my toes, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, only for him to kiss back eagerly as his hands found my waist. I pulled back and I shyly looked the delinquents behind me. Everybody was looking at us. Bellamy noticed them too looking.

‘’Go inside the dropship!’’ he ordered and everybody started moving inside. Clarke gave me a small smile before leaving us.

‘’I’m glad you’re alright.’’ I exclaimed unexpectedly for the 40th time or so and I hugged him tightly. He hugged me back almost instantly and I leaned up on my toes, resting my head on his shoulder.

‘’I’m glad too Angel.” He said against my neck and I felt shivers running down my back. I kissed his neck softly and his breath became sharp. I smiled and I looked at him innocently as he glared at me playfully.

‘’What?’’ I asked innocently, playing with the zipper of his jacket. He shook his head and gave me a full kiss on my lips and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

‘’You’re gonna be the death off me Jasmine. I swear.’’ He said, making me blush.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘’It’s them! They’re here!’’ Harper screamed as she was patrolling.

‘’Open the gates!’’ she yelled excitedly. Everyone started cheering and clapping their hands as Monty and Jasper walked into the camp. As Jasper passed me, he winked at me and I waved my hand at him. Monty smiled at me and I smiled back. Seconds later Finn followed, helping Raven walk. She was extremely pale with dry blood over her nose and mouth. She had the virus. I saw Clarke froze from behind me and I could feel her sadness. I touched Clarke’s arm gently and she looked at me. I nodded at her.

‘’You got this.’’ I smiled at her sadly and she nodded.

‘’I got this.’’ She said at Finn as she approached and he followed her into the dropship.

‘’Hey Jas!’’ Someone said and I turned around.

‘’Hey Jas!’’ I laughed, saying the same thing at Jasper. I just realised that we have the same nickname.

‘’You did it! Thank you for saving everyone.’’ I congratulated him with a smile and I saw his cheeks changing color. They became red.

‘’Thanks.’’ He replied and an awkward silence began. As I went to leave, Jasper talked.

‘’So you and Bellamy.’’ he said and I smiled at the mention off his name.

‘’ Yes we’re a couple.’’ I saw Jasper’s smile fall.

‘’You know that he’s not the best guy in the world. He will hurt you.’’ Jasper ‘warned’ me sharply and I rolled my eyes.

‘’Don’t worry about me, go talk to your groupies, they were waiting all day to see you.’’ I said sarcastically and I pointed behind me. Some girls were giggling, looking at him and whispering. Some girls even glared at me.

‘’What? You’re jealous?’’ he smirked and I looked at him blankly.

‘’ No, but I have one quick question. When did you become such an arrogant person?’’ I asked him with a serious face. His smirk fall.

‘’ I warned you Jas.’’ He said before turning around and going to his groupies. I rolled my eyes one more time, before deciding to go take a nap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sleeping in mine’s and Bellamy’s tent peacefully when I heard a loud noise. I woke up quickly, looking around me, trying to find the source of the noise.

‘’Sorry Angel.’’ Bellamy said apologetically taking the gun from the ground and putting it in a corner. I guess it slipped off his hand and that was the loud noise.

‘’Did I wake you up?’’ He asked and I looked at him angrily.

‘’I’m so sorry Angel.’’ He apologised again and he undressed himself, keeping his boxer only. I blushed a little bit, kind of not used Bellamy taking off his clothes. He smirked as he noticed my blush and I grimaced at him, resisting the impulse to stick out my tongue like a five-year-old. I looked away instead. He took a few steps and got in the bed beside me. Instantly he opened his arms and I launched myself into them, wrapping my arms around his neck tightly, ending on top off him. Minutes later, I started moving around, trying to find a comfortable position and I heard Bellamy let out a sharp sound as he took my waist tightly and stopped me. I froze, trying to understand what’s wrong.

(**)

‘’Stop moving Jasmine.’’ He kind of growled, making me smirk, finally understanding why.

‘’Why Bellamy?’’ I asked him with an innocent smile and he glared at me. I pulled myself closer to him, my legs were laying on the outer side of his. Now I could feel his excitement, making me excited. I took the decision to do something rebel. I rubbed my crouch against his boner, causing his breath to become short. He slightly winced and closed his eyes. Suddenly I stopped moving and that made him open his eyes and looked at me in shock. I looked up at him and I saw him looking from my eyes down to my lips, my mouth was already slightly opened. He leaned in and grabbed the back of my head. He bit my bottom lip, making me moan and I felt him start grinding, making me let out a loud moan. I felt him smirking and he pulled back, starting kissing my neck and I gasped, loving the way his kisses felt. In one move, he had me underneath him, causing me to let out a small surprised yell. He smiled and looked me deep in the eyes. I noticed his eyes were a bit darker than usual and his pupil dilated.

(End of smut)

‘’Jasmine I have something to tell you.’’ He whispered, his face inches off mine.

‘’What?’’ I gulped, fearing the worst.

‘’If … If I have died today, I would have regretting one thing.’’ He whispered again, looking serious. I nodded slowly my head for him to continue talking, but he didn’t. I cleared my throat and asked.

‘’And that is?’’ He smiled and caressed my cheek lovingly and I leaned on his touch.

‘’That I love you. ‘’ he admitted and my eyes widened, almost falling out of my face.

‘’Come again?’’ I asked stupidly and he let out a small laugh.

‘’I said that I love you.’’ He repeated and I smiled. A big smile. I took his face and slapped my lips to his. I never thought that he would say these 3 words. I was kind of in shock.

‘’I love you too Bellamy” I said once I broke the kiss and he grinned.

‘’ I know Angel.” He said smirking and I slapped him playfully.

‘’Douchebag.’’ I murmured and we both smiled at each other, rubbing our noses gently together as our foreheads collided, resting on one another. He took my hands in his and put my hands, above my head and looked at me seductively. He was about to kiss my neck, the spot that makes my knees go weak, but someone entered our tent.

‘’Jasmine!’’ Octavia asked desperate and stop dead when she saw Bellamy on top off me. He growled under his breath, not happy that someone interrupted us. I pushed him and he almost fell off the bed.

‘’Octavia?’’ I asked her concerned. She looked like she was crying.

‘’Jasmine I need to talk to you.’’ She told me and I could see her blush. I nodded and I kissed Bellamy goodnight.

‘’What? You’re not sleeping here tonight?’’ he asked me with a frown. I shook my head taking a glance at Octavia. Something must be happening with her and Lincoln and I know that she needed someone by her side.

‘’Octavia. Were you crying?’’ Bellamy asked his sister as he looked at her. She looked at the ground and shook her head. I touched Bellamy’s hand gently, making his attention to turn to me.

‘’I will deal with that. I love you Bellamy’’ He nodded and smiled at me.

‘’I love you too Angel.’’ I smiled back and got out of bed. I took my handmade pillow and I walked outside with Octavia by my side.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ I asked her whispering once we were outside the tent. She shook her head and fresh tears started falling, making me feel sad.

‘’ Not here. In my tent.’’ She cried and I nodded sighing. I rubbed her back as we were walking towards her tent.

#bellamy blake fanfiction #bellamy blake #bellamy blake imagines #the 100 bellamy #bellamy blake fanfic

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retromotherfuckers · 4 years ago

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Six Years (Part 3)

Pairing:

Past/Eventual Bellamy Blake x Fem!Kane!Reader, Platonic!Octavia Blake

Summary:

Octavia knew who she was now, but you couldn’t figure out what the hell you’d become.

Warning:

so much mf angst, themes of addiction and depression, self-destructive behavior and a tiny bit of comfort in there

Word Count:

2k (i got a little ~carried away~ lol)

A/N:

IM SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. i wasn’t happy with the og thing i had down so i literally just rewrote the whole thing in a few hours and it’s sm better than it would’ve been. me holding off posting this did wonders and i’m more confident in it too even tho i kinda think i suck at writing but also kinda don’t idk my self esteem varies wildly

Merry Christmas Eve Eve to those who celebrate ❤️

the gif (and all the other ones) are not mine and i take no credit for them

if you want to be tagged in any of my works, send me a message or an ask and i’ll add you :)

@shipshipshipau

The girl with aqua eyes - although now they were more of a spotted gray - had only seen one moment of weakness from you. It would be the last time Octavia had seen you, and you, her.

“We’re surviving!” She had started shouting, as if she believed that set in a lower tone, her words would be construed as lies. “The human race is surviving! That’s what matters!”

“He wouldn’t be okay with this, and you know it!” Your voice broke involuntarily as it rose to match hers. You shook your head as you tried to desperately stop the ache in your chest as you brought her - probably dead - brother up. Tears clung to your eyelashes, waiting for you to blink so they had permission to fall. Your throat had been closed for a while now, and the rest was merely a weak cry. “If this is the price that we have to pay...maybe we shouldn’t be.”

You’d never know if it was the crack in your demeanor or your choice of words, but either way, her eyes softened when you spoke.

“Look at me.” You did as told and she gripped the back of your neck in one hand, pulling your forehead so close it almost came into contact with hers.

The air changed as Octavia came alive under the monster she wore for armor. Her mask coming off allowed you to let out a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding. You would begin to regret not smashing the helmet to bits while it was off and vulnerable.

“You have to stop listening to them,” She said. “It’ll tear you apart. It’s better they get to live to hate us than die slowly and love us-”

“They don’t deserve this either, O-”

“We bare it, so they don’t have to. You’re the one that told me that. You can’t back out on me, now. I can’t do this without you.”

For so long you were okay with her needing you to do the dirty work. Besides the first time - when you did it together - she’d give the sentence and you’d see it through. Every single time, it felt like it was killing you more than them, but that didn’t matter, did it? If you weren’t going to do it, who would?

It was the last thing Octavia had asked of you and you had no intention of letting her down.

Bellamy didn’t know what he would see when they finally dropped him down into the bunker, but it definitely wasn’t that. Surrounded by more death than he was prepared for, he couldn’t help himself to not move his gaze around the arena. The fences between him and the living reminded him of the cages the Mountain Men held him in. The walls were stained deep with crimson, leaving the dull concrete behind it unrecognizable. He looked to the blonde at his side, and they asked each other the same silent question:

What the hell happened down here?

His whiskey shaded orbs kept moving, albeit reluctantly. They stopped on Marcus Kane, who looked so much older than last time. His hair and beard were inches longer and grayer than the natural brown he used to have. He was so pale, it was unnerving - almost as if he was close to death. They connected eyes briefly and that’s when the younger saw the deadly weapon held to his neck by the hands of-

No.

Your back was facing him, but it didn’t matter how long it had been, he’d never miss you. The locks that adorned your head were longer too, almost to your waist. The natural shade was faded though, like you had aged twenty years instead of six. He watched your shoulders heave and your hands start to shake as Kane talked to you.

He couldn’t pull his eyes from the impure red that dyed your skin and clothes.

While you were distracted, he chose to act, protecting Marcus from his own flesh and blood. He didn’t miss the gears in your head turning as your gaze landed on him. He saw your eyes sink into a trance of recognition and a deep sort of longing overtook your senses. The melancholic need you had tried to numb for half a decade came back in full force and held no mercy.

You remembered how he always smelled of the forest after the sky wept. You remembered how sure but gentle his touch was on your skin. You remembered how his remarkably soft lips would feel when they pushed against yours as they begged for more at every turn. You remembered how it felt to be wrapped in his arms, listening to his heart thump as he assured you everything would be alright, even if he didn’t think it would be.

Was that gone forever, now, too?

Bellamy noticed something else, though; something he didn’t recognize. Something he’d never seen before.

Something that scared him.

It had been hours since and neither of you had bothered to find the other. Getting everyone out was a great distraction for him. Talking to his little sister, whose eyes seemed to hold the same thing yours did, was another. She had explained to him and Clarke that Wonkru had deemed her Bloodreina and you, Ripa. So, no, nothing as special as death from above or the red queen or the commander of death, but death, nonetheless.

People have done well not to forget that.

When Clarke told him you still hadn’t come out and no one had seen you, however, he didn’t have a choice anymore.

The halls were those of nightmares, spirits lurking around every corner and it was cold and empty. He knew the lights were kept low to save power but it felt almost purposeful, like they were meant to scare you. To tell you not to act out or some kind of monster would jump from the shadows and make you pay.

But he didn’t know if it was you or his sister.

A chill slithered up his spine.

If someone told him this wasn’t real, he’d do anything he could to believe them. He wished that he was seconds away from being shaken awake by Raven or Monty, and they would tell him it was just another nightmare. He wished he was still on the Ring, praying ignorantly to anyone that would listen that his family on earth were still okay.

Breaking him from his thoughts, a yellow lamplight caught his attention. At the end of the windowless corridor, it shone out of a slightly ajar door. Using every ounce of strength he possessed to not walk away, he pushed it open. It cried at the motion, diminishing any and all remnants of silence that swallowed the floor.

His eyes found you catching yourself from falling caused by a failed attempt at standing. A half empty bottle of whatever works in one hand, the other one holding you up against the bed frame. The high-pitched creak pulled your attention to the front of the room with a furrowed brow and he allowed himself to take in your appearance.

A wrinkled, cotton shirt sat on your chest and it was a different one than before; faded white and thin, yet cleaner than the other one which was colored with blood. Your hair was damp - the result of taking a shower - but lazily tied back in a half-assed effort to get it out of your face.

You stared at each other for a minute. A million things were hitting your slow-moving thoughts at once, too much for you to even try to comprehend. He finally took one step towards you, parting his lips to say something but no sound came out. He was stumped, hundreds of words flooded his mind but not a single one sounded good enough.

Nothing he could say would make what happened in the arena okay.

It was unbearably painful. There he was, finally right in front of you, and you had no idea what to talk about. No idea what to start with, end with, bring up, discuss, laugh about, cry about, scream about. Nothing was good enough to say to the man that kept you alive for such a long time, such a long time ago.

Too long ago.

You inevitably broke the silence, though your words came out cracked and in a slur. A defensive and humorless scoff left your lips, an effort to cover up the discomfort. Or it was because you were too drunk to shut yourself up. “You gonna say somethin’?”

“I don’t know what to say.”

You didn’t know why, but you hoped he’d sound different. It was childish and irrational, but you hoped that you could say you both changed too much and he would have nothing to hold against you.

Because no matter how far away it seemed, sometimes you could still remember what it felt like to be that innocent seventeen-year-old that hadn’t lived yet; what it felt like to be that girl who still couldn’t stand her father. To be that girl who sprained her ankle within ten minutes of being on earth for the first time. To be that girl who hadn’t made a friend aside from Clarke and Wells in her whole life. That girl who had just kissed a boy for the first time.

The girl who was loved and not lost yet.

“Well, that makes two of us.”

Where the hell did she go?

That made the room spin, and you had to blink a few times to make it stop, taking a seat on the thin mattress. You took a drink, making the liquid slosh from the base to the neck of the bottle and back again. When it settled, you rested your head between your shoulders as you heard him say your name. It bounced off the walls in the room, hitting each one again, and again, and again like it was a bullet waiting to find its target. You had wanted the word to fall from his lips for so long that you’d forgotten what it sounded like. You had forgotten what he sounded like, and you fucking hated yourself for it.

Then you realized he said, “Ripa,” and those four deadly little letters crushed your throat and stole the air from your lungs.

That name hadn’t felt right from the start, but it was what you had been simultaneously promoted to and reduced by. The only person who refused to call you that over the years, was your father. For two thousand days, he made sure to steer clear of it.

That’s not who you are and I know it, even if you don’t.

A sudden and hauntingly raw sob escaped, and you knew his eyes were on you in an instant.

“Don’t call me that,” You begged, meeting his gaze for the first time since he entered. Breath picking up, you were practically terror-stricken at the idea that all you were to him now was a murderer. You vigorously tried to shake the thought away, squeezing your eyes shut as everything that kept you numb seemed to vanish into thin air. “Y-You can’t-Not you too. Please, not you.”

Bellamy’s hand brushed your cheek and tears rained freely. You immediately leaned into the familiar and delicate warmth and you really fucking hoped this wasn’t your mind playing a trick on you.

“It’s okay, Y/N.” When he spoke this time, his words sounded choked too. His other hand cradled the back of your head as he pulled you into his chest and just...held you. “It’s okay.”

It was like you were standing at the edge of a building, teetering the edge before accidentally falling. Only, before you could plummet to your death, someone caught your hand, and it occurred to you that you really wanted them to pull you back up.

“Please don’t leave me again.”

Your voice was just so, so weak. Beaten down and broken.

“Never.” He said it with so much confidence and finality, you almost had to convince yourself it was real and not a dream. “I promise.”

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finnsgrin · 3 years ago

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Jasper Jordan - Soulmate AU

Jasper Jordan x reader

From my Wattpad: inanoncriminalwayy

GIF: immortalpramheda

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Word Count: 1,754

Published on: September 5th, 2020

TW: Broken bones

Spoilers: S2, S3

I hope you're all staying healthy and safe!!

xx - El

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

♡Masterlist♡ Where the very first words your soulmate will say to you is tattooed on your wrist

Jasper Jordan

It probably wouldn't have worked out, anyway. That's what Jasper kept telling himself after Maya died in his arms. She wasn't his soulmate. The first words she spoke to him weren't tattooed in black ink on his pale wrist. That's what hurt the most. What if he never met his soulmate?

On the Ark, he always gushed to his parents about his soulmate, and repeated the words over and over again in his mind, imagining what your voice would sound like.

Would it be as beautiful as the wind chimes that he and Monty made? Or maybe it would be soothing like his mother's voice, when she sang to him when he was sick?

Sometimes, he would have conversations with you if the day was particularly stressful, or if something exciting had happened.

"What's on your mind?"

Those were the words tattooed on his wrist.

The answer was almost always the same.

"You..." Jasper whispered to his wrist on the walk back to Camp Jaha from Mount Weather, where he and the others had been rescued.

"You're on my mind. Are you okay? Where are you?" His voice broke at the end, and Monty, who was limping beside him, rested a hand comfortingly on his back.

"You'll find her, Jasper. She obviously isn't dead. If she were, the words would have been erased by now." Monty gently reminded him of what happened to the tattoo when your soulmate died.

"Easy for you to say. You've already found your Soulmate. So has Octavia. What if I never find her? It happens, Monty." Jaspers words were mumbled, and Monty sighed impatiently.

"We have more important things to worry about now, Jasper." Monty grumbled as he hurried to catch up to Harper who was up ahead.

Jasper furrowed his brows, and kicked at a pebble.

More important things? What was more important than knowing if someone you cared about was safe or not?

The wind rustled Jaspers hair, and he closed his eyes, taking in the gentle breeze. The cedar and pine were comforting. After being trapped in Mount Weather for what felt like forever, being outside felt incredible.

A butterfly with black wings and yellow tips fluttered around his head, and he extended his finger. The butterfly perched on his finger, and he smiled softly.

In this small moment, Jasper felt a linger of hope in his heart. The hope that after all he had been through, he would find you, and he would find you safe.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Welcome home." Monty whispered as the group stood outside Camp Jaha.

Everyone who could stand, just stood on the sodden ground for a moment, gazing in awe at the enormous Ark before them. They knew the Ark was big, but they didn't expect it to be this HUGE.

Some people broke into a run as they began the mad search for their loved ones. Others just stood there, taking in the structure before them.

Home.

Jasper thought to himself.

The word sounded strange.

Home.

He bit his lip, blinking back tears.

"Wherever my home is, it's with you." He choked out, a single tear splattering on his tattooed wrist.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

It had been three days, and there was still no sign of you.

Although he had absolutely zero clue of what to even look for, he still kept a sharp eye out for you.

In the dining hall, in the corridors, outside...

You would be hard to miss, he knew that for a fact.

"Jasper, you don't even know what she looks like." Monty sighed heavily as he sat at the dinner table with Jasper and Harper.

"Yes I do! I mean - figuratively speaking - no, I don't... but - she's the most beautiful girl in the world. I know that for a fact." Jasper stumbled over his words.

"Well, your soulmate may be the most beautiful girl in the WORLD, but mine is the most beautiful in the UNIVERSE." Monty planted a sweet peck on Harpers cheek, and she blushed madly.

The sight of his best friend with his soulmate made Jasper green with envy.

If the two of THEM wasn't enough to make him feel like vomiting, Lincoln and Octavia strode past their table holding hands and laughing.

He looked back to Harper and Monty for advice, only to be met with the two of them poking each other on their noses.

Jasper pushed his chair back abruptly, and stood up so fast he ended up spilling his glass of moonshine. It landed into Harpers lap, and she let out a shriek.

"Jasper, what the hell?!" Monty took several cloth napkins, and began stacking them on Harpers lap.

The dining hall had gone quiet now, and all eyes were on the group of friends.

Harper aggressively rubbed at her jeans with the napkins, praying that the intense stench of the alcohol wouldn't be burned into her clothing forever.

Monty stood with a mixture of emotions on his face. Anger, confusion... but pity was the most prominent.

Jasper felt his chest grow tight, and he gripped the table for support.

"Jasper-."

"I need some air." Jasper interrupted Monty, and walked swiftly out of the dining hall, ignoring all of the eyes on him.

He didn't know where he was heading, but he was heading somewhere.

Another pair of soulmates, Amber and Rose, strolled in the hall, fingers interlocked.

As soon as they were out of earshot, and Jasper was sure he was alone, he raised his fist, and punched the metal wall as hard as he could.

He did it again, and again, and again. All the while envisioning that he was destroying the relationships of his friends.

It was selfish and petty, yes, but he felt a little better after a dent was formed, and he was out of breath.

Exhausted, defeated, and heartbroken, Jasper sank to the floor, and tucked his knees into his chest, burying his face into his arms which were rested on top of his knees.

"What's on your mind?"

Great now he was hearing it.

Could he never escape you?

Something tapped his leg.

"Hey, are you okay?"

His head snapped up.

It was the same voice. The same voice which had spoken the words on his wrist.

"What did you say?" His voice cracked at the end.

"I asked if you were okay." You stood perched on one leg, being supported by the pair of homemade crutches Dr Jackson had issued you after you broke your leg in the fall from Factory Station.

"No, no, before that." Jasper stood quickly.

"I asked what was on your mind?" You repeated the words slowly, the realization finally clicking in your brain.

His first words to you.

You had just lifted up your wrist to double check the words on your skin, even though you had been reading them hundreds of times every day since you could read. But before you could confirm your suspicions, Jasper had lifted you off of your feet and spun your around.

Your crutches fell to the ground with a clatter.

You squealed, and he held you tight.

"It's you! It's really you! I never thought I would find you, but, here you are!" Jasper cried tears of joy. They soaked into your shirt, and you rubbed his back soothingly.

"This is amazing! I have to tell Monty!"

In his excitement, he dismissed the fact that you were unable to walk, let alone stand on your leg, and he let go of you, causing you to give out a cry of pain as your body weight rested on your leg for a split second, and you fell on the floor in a heap.

"Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh what have I done?! I haven't known you for two minutes, and I've already hurt you! I'm the worst soulmate in the-"

"What's your name?" You interrupted his rambling, a smile on your face.

"Jasper." He answered.

"Well, Jasper, how about you make it up to me by taking me to medical." You smiled as he rushed to receive your crutches from the ground, and prop them against the wall.

Scooping you up in his arms, he began to walk you to medical.

He let out a snort, and you raised an eyebrow, confused.

"Something funny?" You inquired.

"You literally fell for me." He giggled.

You rolled your eyes, smiling.

"Technically, you MADE me fall." You reminder him.

He shrugged.

"A fall is a fall."

You pondered over this for a moment.

"Indeed, it is. This isn't the first time I've fallen for you, though." You said.

He tilted his head to the side in confusion.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"You're one of The 100, right?" You questioned.

"Yes... why?" He asked.

"Well, you were here first - on the ground. I was still up in space. I fell from the sky. For you." You blushed.

He blushed a deeper red, and pushed the button to be allowed access into med bay.

"(Y/N)! What happened?" Jackson sighed as he motioned for Jasper to lay you on an available bed.

"(Y/N), huh?" Jasper repeated your name, all the while, a dopey, love sick grin on his face.

"You tore the stitches up pretty good." Jackson mumbled to himself as he examined your leg.

Jackson turned to Jasper.

"Jasper, I think it's best you leave. I need to restitch-."

"There's no chance in hell I'm leaving. I just found her." Jasper extended his wrist to Jackson, and realization hit the doctor immediately.

Jasper began to panic. His chest swelled up again, and he felt dizzy.

What if you got an infection, and died, and it was all his fault? What if-.

"Okay, you can stay." Jackson laid a cold hand on Jaspers shoulder and gestured to a padded chair near your bed for the boy to sit on.

"I feel terrible. This is all my fault." Jasper looked at his feet, ashamed.

"Hey, don't worry about it. I've survived worse." You took his hand into yours, and smiled softly.

"Like what?" Jasper sniffed.

You paused.

"Like being away from you." You whispered.

Jasper lifted his head, and stared intently into your (Y/C/E) eyes.

Everything about you was so much more heightened than he could have ever imagined.

Your eyes were brighter, your voice was prettier, your hands were softer...

His love for you was bigger than anything he could fathom.

And as you two sat there, hands intertwined, he blinked in realization.

He had found you. And he was never going to let you go.

♡Masterlist♡

#the100 the100imagines the100xreader xreader xreaderimagines cwthe100 the100cw jasperjordan jasperjordanimagines the100jasper the100jasperjor

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greekbros · 4 years ago

Text

"greek-Bros: Phallic Judgement"

*Surprisingly, Dionysus had gone back to Rome to cause more mischief with Hermes, this time they've brought Ares along*

Dionysus: *again disguised as a wine seller* ok gentlemen, behold. The foulest creatures to crawl on the face of the earth. *Shows just random Roman citizens*

Ares: *who for some reason decided he wanted to disguise himself as the world's most intimidating slave* ......ugh....the goats? *Sees a goat*

Hermes: *cleverly disgusted as farmer* haha no. You see, these guys are absolutely weird. They insist of "rationing" Sapa, they have taxes for literally existing and above all.....their wine is watered down! But they have the best bread I've ever tasted though.

Ares: ... really?

Dionysus: don't be fooled by their baked goods my dudes. These are cruel and unrelenting scum folk. Uncultured, ignorant, and above all....they've inslaved every single country they've conquered.

Hermes: .....it's mostly about the wine isn't it?

Dionysus: ....*turns dramatically* their most unforgiving sin.

Ares: *has wondered off to see a statue of himself*.....my dick isn't THAT small.......*looks at the name plate saying "Mars"* ......I can't believe these guys misspelled my name....*takes some charcoal, scratches out Mars and writes Ares*

Centurion Gaurd: Excuse me slave! Where is your master! Slaves are not allowed near the devine statue of the gods.*sees that Ares has wrote his name on the statue's nameplate* What the?

Ares: *doesn't know the centurion was referring to him considering he's in disguise* .........*turns to the see the back of the statue* ....at least they got the ass right.

Centurion Gaurd: EXCUSE ME! Please stop making remarks about the sacred statue! You've defaced sacred property!

Ares: *slowly peaks over to the centurion* ....hey ugh there's a thing on your helmet*

Centurion Gaurd: oh really? *Pats around his helmet* where?

Ares: *points to the centurion's face* There's a shit attitude a little all over your FuCkInG ugly mug.

Centurion Gaurd: *realising what he meant* YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!

Dionysus: *walks into the situation* Oh there you are Skippy! Bad boy I thought I told you to stay close to me and not open your mouth! *takes a little stick and weakly whips Ares's shoulder with a single thing of wheat*

Ares: *confused* ...wut?

Centurion Gaurd: Is there YOUR disrespectful slave?

Ares: wait you said I was going to be a noblem-*gets a loaf of bread in his mouth by Hermes*

Hermes: please shut up or we'll leave you here to fend for yourself.

Ares: *kinda just enjoying the bread* hmfhmf.

Dionysus: You see my good sir, my slave is extremely stupid, dumb and has testicles the size of grapeseeds. He was used as a human kickball when he was an infant and was raised by goats. He can't help himself sometimes. *Tries to clean the charcoal off the statue*

Ares: *angry noises* ?!?

Centurion Gaurd: .....Ok...you have the pay the "Disrespectful Slave" tax fine.

Dionysus: .....*grumbles and takes a bag filled with gold coins* ....*gives it begrudgingly* .....*grits his teeth* have....a...good day.

Centurion Gaurd: *takes the gold and sees that it's drachma* .....hmm.....*takes out a piece of paper with a semi-crude wanted poster of Dionysus, Apollo and Hermes* ......hmm.....I watching you....sir. *leaves to find Mortus*

Dionysus: *turns to Ares and glares at him* ....you owe me 20 drachma.

Ares: *has finished eat the bread* Why? Don't these mortals know we're gods?

Dionysus: No! We're here in disguise so that was can destroy the city again. You are here to make sure the country doesn't get a chance to get back up.

Ares: Fuck yah. *Literally has no idea what he agreed to*

Hermes: *saw the wanted poster in the centurion's hand* ugh...guys we REALLY need to finish what we came here for because they're definitely on to us.

Dionysus: yeah yeah I know....come on let's go. I want to destroy the coliseum again.

Ares: what's a coliseum?

Dionysus: *suddenly a huge grin forms across his face* Hermes .....is the coliseum....open?

Hermes: let me check. *Literally speeds next to the coliseum and saw a Roman sign that says "Grand Re-Opening" and zips back to Dionysus* yeah. It's open.

Dionysus: perfect. *Pops a waterskin filled with wine, and chugs it* oh gods I'm FuCkInG dry. It's like this place sucks your very essence or something.

Hermes: hmm....yeah, shame really. *as he was following Dionysus and Ares, he accidentally dumbs into a familiar face* oops sorry miss.

Octavia: *turns around with a baby in her arms that looks suspiciously familiar* Oh pardon me sir. I didn't mean to bump into, the market seems rather busy today doesn't it?

Hermes: It's ok, I was just heading to-*knotices the baby* .....ugh...

Caius the baby: *smiles at Hermes as if he knew Hermes was his dad* ba-ba :D

Octavia: Oh sweetie, daddy is working. Oh children are so wonderous, even at a few months old, they have such an imagination. By the way, have we met before? You look so familiar....are you from the countryside?

Hermes: uuggggh *trying his best to not look Octavia in the eye* yeah, I get that all the time. Trust me I have some of my own, I mean children that is. Also no I don't think I have? *Literally hoping she doesn't recognize him even though he shape shifted into her husband a year ago*

Caius: *still happily cooing over his real dad*

Dionysus: come on buddy le-*put two and two together and scowls at Hermes* ......you didn't.

Hermes: ugh....

Dionysus: nevermind we're off! *He pulls Hermes to the direction of the coliseum*

Octavia: hmmm what a strange young man. He's handsome though.

Caius: *coos in disappointment* :(

*later*

Dionysus: *rubs his hands* hehehehehe....

Hermes: this better be worth it. I thought we would write our names on the temple walls here or something.

A Roman Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! This grand reopening of the Coliseum shall be in honor of our Lord and Emperor Caeser!

Caeser: *does the Royal British wave*

Dionysus: peeeeerfect.

Hermes: ......hey I got to ask...why did you bring Ares?

Dionysus: some bulky bastard is currently the head champion gladiator here, he use to live on Crete before the Romans decided to kidnap a few warriors there....let's just say my pettiness will come with effort.

Hermes: ......ok seriously man what are talking about?

Dionysus: look no one says that their dick is bigger than mine and actually gets away with it.

Hermes: ....you know....you could just smite someone. I mean it's not graceful....but it's effective.

Dionysus: hoho, I'm going to make this extra dramatic.

The Roman Announcer: And now! You're great champion, Maximus the Well-Endowed!

Maximus: *a huge, hulking man came out, roars out* HAIL CAESAR! *Leans to the announcer* I am going to get my 20 hot virgin women after this right?

Announcer: *whispers* yes yes. AND HIS CHALLENGER *looks at a note which was scribbled on his hand* ..... "Skippy the Not-Well-Endowed"! *Looks back his hand still not believing what he had read*

Ares: *is just happy to get into a fight, however was oddly enough only was only wearing a loin cloth and a helmet, armed with a shield and spear* ......oh boy, a whole stadium just for killing? These people rock!

Hermes: ........you didn't....

Dionysus: yep.

Ares: *steps side to side like an exited kid* comeoncomeoncomeonstartthefighting.

Maximus: Alright Skippy, time to end your tiny dicked existence. *Raised his sword on to Ares but Ares was able to break it with his helmet* !?

Ares: ....that's it?

Maximum: *confused* ugh....*waves to order in more weapons, all of which fail to hurt Ares*

Ares: .......aw come on...you guys have some shitty ass weapons. Bet YOUR weapon is just as shit.

Maximus: grrrrr.....YOU PUNY SLAVE! *Rips off his armored skirt* See! You're fucking wrong!

Roman crowd: *gasps*

Dionysus: .....

Hermes: *whistles* holyshit....dude this guy is hung.

Dionysus: If there's one god who can contest me....the only god who's dick is so epic, so powerful, so irresistible, so near perfect......that Aphrodite can't FuCkInG resist it on a daily basis.

Hermes: Heracles?

Dionysus: No buddy, Ares. Ares is the guy who's dick is better than mine I mean come on a guy who shags the goddess of love more times than any living thing HAS to have something going on down there

Some Roman Karen: EXCUSE me is pronounced Venus! We don't use greek words here.

Dionysus: Please leave me alone lady.

Some Roman Karen: *rhees in anger*

Dionysus and Hermes: *both are struggling to ignore her*

Ares: ....ok...that dick of your isn't that great.....*rips off his loin cloth* .....THIS....is a dick.

Crowd: *the women and gay men swoons over the perfect of Ares's bare body, men quake and cringe at their own feeble members and put to shame*

Caesar: *completely unimpressed and decided to leave* hmf. Pathetic.

Maximus: *wriggles in shame* HOW c-C-C-could this be?! The most PERFECT COCK? Oh my gods why is it fucking glowing?!

Ares: ....what you don't shave yourself weekly? I mean come on man that's how you keep the ladies coming back?

Maximus: *starts crying a little*

Dionysus: *cackling uncontrollably* SO THATS HIS SECRET! *writes on a piece of paper saying "shave, dick, weekly"*

Hermes: *still not fully understanding why all of this* ........you brought Ares here JUST to emasculate some gladiator?

Dionysus: Oh much more than that Herms.....much much m-

Roman Karen: EXCUSE YOU SIR ITS MERCURY!

Dionysus: *has had enough and turned her into a chicken* there much better.

Hermes: .....are you ok? Did you have your wine today?

Dionysus: I RAN OUT OF WINE LONG AGO!

Hermes: *deep sigh* not again.

Ares: *now in full naked display* ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!? *The crowd roared and cheered*

Dionysus: well....yah want to set the animals free from their cages?

Hermes: fuk ye-*feels a tough and strong hand practically crushing his shoulder* .....*turns to see an old man who clearly was Zeus* .....

Zeus: .....boys.....

Dionysus and Hermes: .....Uh Oh.

Zeus: *took each of them by their ears like a discontented mother* you're BOTH grounded for bothering these mortals and above all abusing the dark, unholy power of the sacred male member ....if I had a third arm it would be reserved for Ares. *Looks down at Ares now just doing some naked dance for the crowd*........*deep and disappointed sigh*

Dionysus: but dad, I do that like everyday.

Zeus: I don't care if I don't discipline you or Hermes right the now, Hera will have MY male member nailed to the wall.

(Later that day)

Mortus: *inner noir detective monologue* after several months, nothing. Absolutely nothing. The suspects disappeared from the face of the empire. Likely their crimes have caught up with them. My only consolation to solving this case....is the mysterious birth of my son and my faithful wife. .... speaking of which...why does Caius have blue eyes? Me and Octavia have brown.....did ...she?....nah that's impossible.

The Centurion from earlier: MY LORD! I FOUND THE SUSPECTS!

Mortus: *dramatically turns around* This better be the right ones this time.

*much later after apparently an orgy broke out at the coliseum*

Mortus: .... Absolutely disgusting. Practicing Sexual Festivities without a license is punishable by crucifixion, Mark.

The Announcer (Mark): B-b-but sir! It wasn't my fault! Some slave was to challenge Maximus and they just decided to remove their clothing and everyone went wild! ....to be fair the slave did look a little attractive BUT the fornicating ceased once the slave disappeared.

Mortus:....was he accompanied by a portly, dark haired ..... individual?......an extremely attractive blonde slave and a thinner more athletic young man with brown hair?

The Announcer: ...hmm...well yes minus the other slave.

Mortus: Hmmm.....the plot thickens.....are these the mysterious criminals that destroyed the coliseum last year?....What is the motivated behind these depraved individuals?.....

The Announcer: ugh...why are you talking to yourself?

#greek bros #greek-Bros #Mortus #roman vs greek jokes #greek gods #dionysus #hermes #Ares #Zeus #greek mythology

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secondpubertyscene · 3 years ago

Text

8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

#personal blog #vent blog #black ftm #black transman #black tpoc #black mental health #personal writing blog #sociology #sociology phd program #covid #grief

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pennamesmith · 4 years ago

Text

Secret of the Skeletor

Skeletor sneaks out. Some less-prominent former members of the Horde receive community outreach. More Skeletor stories!

Skeletor sat alone in the laboratory.

He had strict orders not to go anywhere or do anything. As one of Horde Prime’s drone bots, he knew the importance of rules. But ever since Entrapta had reprogrammed him with a name and a unique personality, he also knew the importance of breaking them.

Skeletor chuckled. He stood up, paused, then sat back down again and laughed some more as he pondered his options.

Just about everybody else in Bright Moon was busy. Even Wrong Hordak’s usual support group was canceled while he attended the queen’s cabinet meeting about Entrapta’s new interdimensional research findings.

This meant it was the perfect time for Skeletor to venture outside the kingdom. A community outreach day. He grinned. Pausing only to giggle again and leash his beloved robot puppy, Relay, Skeletor snatched up Darla’s ignition crystal and shambled out the door.

“Now for a little vanishing act!” he declared as he left.

It was going to be a good day.

Kyle braced himself as soon as he heard the ship engines come to a stop outside the window.

“Hey, guys?” he called to the other two inhabitants of their modest home. “I think —”

He was interrupted by the sound of splintering wood. “Strong, but not strong enough!” Skeletor yelled as he cheerfully kicked in the door. Rogelio, who had been going to open it, bristled in shock while Lonnie yelped and grabbed a frying pan from the kitchen, brandishing it like a club from behind the counter.

A long, stale moment passed.

“...It’s all part of the game!” Skeletor explained apologetically, as he turned and tried to replace the door on its hinges. “We don’t want to hurt anyone!” At his feet, Relay peered inside the room and barked, tail wagging.

All three of the former Horde soldiers relaxed and breathed a sigh of relief, though Lonnie’s battle-ready expression did not change.

“Do you really have to do that every time you come over?” Kyle asked, poking at the loosely swinging door.

“Yes,” Skeletor replied honestly.

Rogelio shrugged and growled something indistinct.

Lonnie quirked an eyebrow. “What? You asked him to come here?”

“We both did,” Kyle piped up. He reached for Rogelio’s hand in reassurance. “We… kinda wanted to get some more information on Wrong Hordak’s support group.”

Dutifully, Skeletor produced a sheaf of pamphlets and papers detailing schedules and services and handed them over to the two young men. Rogelio accepted them all with a brief roar of thanks.

Lonnie shook her head, still frowning. “Oh no. I already told you, I am not interested. Going over there for wellness day was one thing, but there are too many people there that I still just… can’t be around. And he’s nice and all, but I don’t think Wrong Hordak really gets me.”

“Running away. So impolite!” Skeletor scoffed.

“That’s okay!” Kyle hastily added. “You don’t have to come with us. We’d never force you into something like this.”

“Running away sounds like a terrific idea!” Skeletor said.

Kyle looked at Rogelio. “It’s just, we’ve been talking, and I think we want to give it a try. Even if it doesn’t work out, we might be able to learn some stuff that could help. Taking the first step can be really hard, even when it’s the right thing. And we’ll be here if you decide you’re ready, but we’ll be here if you don’t, too.”

Lonnie’s expression softened, slightly. “Thanks guys,” she said, and meant it. She went to hug the other two. “Now, let’s see about making this robot fix our door.” She pounded a fist into her palm meaningfully.

“I think it’s time for me to leave and take care of another matter!” Skeletor squeaked, and beat a hasty retreat.

Darla hovered serenely above the water on the Salinean coast. While Relay napped in the captain’s chair, Skeletor strolled unhurriedly along the docks. He stopped in front of a small, shabby storefront and looked curiously at the sign above the door.

Sea Hawk’s Ship Disposal and Firewood Emporium, it read. You Crash ‘Em, We Burn ‘Em!

“I think I’ll make him my court jester, if he’s funny enough!” Skeletor proclaimed, and walked inside.

However, it was instantly apparent from the lack of off-key sea shanties being sung that the shop’s namesake proprietor was currently absent. This suited the skinny robot just fine. The real subject of his visit was the new part-time hire, who sat slouched at the register behind a gossip-scroll and an eyepatch.

Octavia brightened when she saw Skeletor enter. “Hey, I was wondering when you’d make it back here!” she called out. Skeletor waved in response and marched over, holding out a laden bag.

“I’ve brought you a present!” Skeletor announced.

Octavia’s good eye shone as she reached inside and pulled out a glittering, silver fishing net. “Oh, wow, Entrapta finished it already!” she gushed, holding the netting up to the light to admire it.

“That net is made of elastium!” Skeletor boasted. “It’s not only one of the hardest substances in the universe, it also stretches!”

“Hey, thanks for helping me commission this,” Octavia said, looking back. She smiled wistfully. “Entrapta really was the best part of the Horde when we were all there, you know? She was so nice to everyone, and Hordak was loads calmer, and all our maintenance complaints got fixed practically overnight!”

“That’s just peachy for you!” Skeletor said.

“Plus, it kinda took some of the sting out of having to take orders from the kid who did this when we were six,” Octavia added, gesturing to her eyepatch. “I had ambitions, you know? I was the first of our class to make Force Captain. I was going places! Of course, none of that matters anymore.”

Her sour expression melted as she looked back at the new net. “But that won’t stop me! With this I can make some extra money on the side selling seafood. Then I’ll buy this place from Sea Hawk — honestly, I think he forgets he owns it sometimes — and turn it into a crafting and antique shop, Octopus Cove or Mystic Isle or something. After that I’ll take over all the shops on the dock one by one, and then the beach tourism market will be mine! Ha ha!”

She cackled with evil glee. Skeletor joined in, politely.

“Too bad about the others, but at least I escaped!” Skeletor concluded, and left to continue his mission.

“Beast-Man!” Skeletor sang as the door opened.

“I still don’t know who that is, but it’s good to see you again too,” Grizzlor grinned. “Come on in, buddy!”

Skeletor followed the wolffish giant inside while Relay trotted happily at his heels. Grizzlor’s husband, fellow former Horde Commander Cobalt, was relaxing in their living room and waved when he saw the bot.

“Skeletor! How’ve you been?”

“Sitting down on the job?” Skeletor barked. “I’ll help you, if only to be rid of you!” He offered Cobalt a thick folder of paperwork. “Here, here it is!”

Cobalt accepted the folder reverentially. “Really? I knew it was a long shot asking Hordak for help, but all the red tape was getting to be such a nightmare that I just didn’t know what to do anymore.” He sniffled and wiped a tear from his eye. “Thank you so much!”

“You’re crying for Hordak?” Skeletor huffed. “I don’t believe it!”

“I can’t believe that worked,” Grizzlor admitted. “I mean, I always thought Hordak hated me,” he added sheepishly. “Especially after that thing with the two neckties.”

Cobalt shook his head. “Nah, I don’t think Hordak ever really hated anybody. He just didn’t know what to do with anyone. Now, Shadow Weaver on the other hand…”

“Most unpleasant!” Skeletor muttered.

“Exactly. But I think Hordak did care, in his own way. He saw how scared we were of combat during the early days, in the Scorpion uprising. I think that’s why he kept me teaching the cadets and you on the easy patrols, Grizz.”

Grizzlor chuckled. “Aw, I can’t imagine you being scared of anything, big guy!”

“Oh, I wasn’t always like this!” Cobalt demurred, flexing his shoulders. “Back in my cadet days I was so skinny everyone called me ‘Mantenna’! Used to joke that I’d fall through a crack in the floor if I wasn’t careful.”

“Another piece of the puzzle!” said Skeletor.

Cobalt slung an arm around Grizzlor. “But listen, Horde or no, I’ll always be there for you.” He held up the adoption papers Skeletor had delivered. “And now, we might have something else to protect together.”

Skeletor’s last stop was a recently-refurbished tavern just inside the Crimson Waste. He nodded approvingly at the osseous architecture and then pushed his way through the curtain while Relay ran ahead, yapping.

Inside there was a wide, smoky space filled with outlaws and ruffians of every species imaginable. They all turned to look as Skeletor entered.

“That’s it! Kneel before your new master!” Skeletor bellowed.

Everyone immediately went back to what they had been doing. The chatter and plinky piano music returned. Relay found a small lizard and began to chase it around the floor.

“Skeletor! It’s good to see you back, friend!”

An enormous purple hand clapped the robot on the shoulder. Skeletor looked up into the smiling face of a towering barbarian.

“Can I get you anything?” Huntara asked, conversationally. “Minions to yell at? A ribcage chair to sit in?”

“Unnecessary! Because we’ve already found you!” Skeletor replied.

“Good, I was hoping you’d say that. Zed! Sunder!” Huntara called out. Two Horde clones who were staffing the bar — one seeming slightly shorter than the typical clone brother, and the other a bit older and wrinklier — glanced up at the sound of their names and hurried over.

“Keep an eye on the door, willya? I need to talk to bonehead here for a bit. We’ve got… business to discuss.”

The two clones nodded seriously, and Huntara escorted Skeletor to a secretive back room behind the bar. Inside there were many potted cacti, two comfortable chairs, and a little table with a miniature sand garden on top. It had a tiny, handheld rake for making soothing patterns in the sand.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” Huntara sighed in relief, dropping into one of the chairs. Relay jumped into her lap and she patted his head gratefully. “I have so much to talk about! You know how last time I was telling you about Grox and all the things she was saying to me? Well…”

“Easy, don’t overexert yourself! It’ll only cause you to weaken more quickly,” Skeletor cautioned. He settled into the other chair and leaned forward, listening intently.

“Yeah, I know. It’s just nice to have someone to talk to, Huntara said. “I don’t feel comfortable in big groups and I can’t always open up to the people around here. So thanks for stopping by.”

Skeletor nodded. “I’m right here, old friend! Release the shadow beast!”

A weight seemed to leave Huntara’s shoulders. “All right. Now, like I was saying…”

Long after the stars had come out, the laboratory door finally swung open again. Entrapta and Hordak, looking exhausted but accomplished, strode inside with their arms full of rolled-up diagrams and data sheets from that day’s presentation.

“...And they listened to everything I said!” Entrapta exclaimed as they came in. “I can’t remember the last time anybody besides you paid attention to me for that long. It was kinda scary, but it felt kinda good, too!”

“They were fools if they never attended to you before,” Hordak purred, smiling proudly. “And I cannot imagine they would disregard you now. After all, you are talking about the prospect of rescuing —”

“Sounds like we’ve got company!” Skeletor interrupted, welcoming the couple back to the lab. He was sitting, hands primly folded, in exactly the same spot as he had been when they left. “I’ve been expecting you!”

“Oh. Hello, Skeletor,” Hordak sighed, reluctantly looking away from Entrapta. “Did you follow my instructions to stay put today?”

Skeletor crossed his fingers and nodded.

“Did you follow my instructions?” Entrapta whispered, after Hordak had gone on ahead. Skeletor nodded again, much more enthusiastically this time.

“Good robot!” Entrapta replied, with a wink and a smile. “Thanks for helping out!” Then she scampered away to keep up with her lab partner.

“Ha! My plan has worked perfectly!” Skeletor gloated. “Now I have the power!”

#Skeletor #she ra #spop #fan fiction #horde trio #octavia #grizzlor #commander cobalt #huntara #entrapdak #grizzlor/cobalt #smith stuff #I wonder what that big meeting was all about

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creacherkeeper · 4 years ago

Note

Catradora + A kiss for each year alive.

ao3

“Hey.”

Adora jumped, looking away from the window. Catra cut a sharp silhouette with the light from the hall behind her, leaning against the doorframe with arms crossed and tail flicking.

Adora took a moment to drink in the way the dark suit fell against Catra’s body. She’d seen her in a suit before. A few times, now. But she never stopped enjoying it.

After a moment, Catra shifted away, crossing the unused bedroom towards Adora.

“You slipped away,” she murmured, stopping a few feet away from the window seat Adora had draped herself into. She tilted her head, giving her a considering look. “It’s been a while. Thought I’d come find you before Sparkles got it in her head to.”

“Thanks,” Adora said, shooting her the best smile she could muster. “Just got a little overwhelmed.”

Even from this far away, tucked in a disused hall in the far end of the castle, Adora could hear the distant call of thumping music and shouting voices.

Catra quirked a grin. “Ragers not really your thing?”

A small laugh pulled from her chest. “Not really.”

The grin dropped as Catra continued to look at her. Self-consciously, Adora wiped away her fallen tears.

“If you want, I can go back and tell them you got too drunk and I had to take you to bed.”

“What,” Adora asked, bottom lip trembling traitorously, “I’m not allowed to bail on my birthday?”

Catra blew out a dramatic sigh, considering, as she leaned against the wall, arms crossed. “Well … I’ll allow it.” She shot Adora a sly look. “With some convincing.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“Now, Glimmer, on the other hand …” Catra shook her head, ignoring Adora’s comment. “I’m not sure we can go at that straight on. There may need to be a heist of some sort involved.”

“Oh, a heist. You’ve always loved a good heist.”

“Ignoble. Dramatic. Classy. Roguish. What’s not to love?” She smirked briefly, but the expression soon found its way back to concerned. Her tail flicked behind her, smooth then sharp, smooth then sharp. “The offer stands, though,” she continued, dropping her voice, “if you want me to tell them you’re not coming back.”

Adora pulled a breath through her nose, her eyes going blurry with tears. She bit her tongue against them, and they didn’t fall. Her shoulders rose and fell in a shrug.

Catra was quiet for a long few moments. Then, she lifted her foot to tap against the base of the window seat.

“Mind if I join you?”

Adora swallowed. She wiped at her eyes, teeth still held fast around her tongue, but she did scoot over until there was room.

Catra sat opposite her, her legs stretching out parallel to Adora’s. She turned for a while to look out the window, up at the stars that peppered the dark sky. When Adora didn’t speak, merely watched with her, Catra finally dropped her hand to Adora’s leg and squeezed.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

“No,” Adora quickly responded.

Catra clicked her tongue. “See, that wasn’t supposed to be your answer. You’re supposed to reward me for being so considerate by telling me what’s going on.”

She knew it was a joke, even if a half-hearted one. It was meant to be funny, teasing at worst. Still, Adora couldn’t help the bitter words that drew out of her.

“Well, life doesn’t always go how you expect.”

Catra’s brows furrowed. She watched her steadily, then blew out a breath.

“Well, that’s maybe something to unpack.”

Adora shook her head, arms wrapping around her stomach. “It’s stupid. Forget I said anything.”

Catra’s foot knocked against her side.

“Is this about your birthday?”

“No, I’m just sitting in a guest room crying by myself and staring at the stars and it’s not related to the fact that all of my friends and loved ones are celebrating my birthday downstairs.”

Catra hummed. “That makes sense. It was stupid I thought they were related. Well, if there is anything bothering you, you’re just going to have to come out and say it, because clearly, I can’t put it together by myself. I haven’t reached the ‘Adora mind-reading powers’ level of my therapy sessions yet. Those come with powers, right? That’s why I’m doing those?”

Adora huffed a laugh, wiping away some of her tears. “I’m sorry. I’m being such an ass.”

“A bit. Not a pretty look on you, princess.”

Adora laughed again, letting her head fall against the window. Her expression dropped, and she reached up to wipe her face again.

“So, are you actually going to tell me what’s wrong? Or are we just going to sit here looking gloomy for the rest of the night?”

Adora shrugged, her gaze turning back out the window. “It’s nothing. It’s not even worth it.”

A sharp pinch.

Adora yelped.

“Catra!”

Catra’s lips quirked as she smoothed over the red skin of Adora’s leg with her thumb.

“Every time you say something real dumb, you get pinched. You want to try again?”

“You can’t have learned that from Perfuma.”

“Oh, absolutely not. This would horrify her. Unfortunately for you, Perfuma is drunk off her ass and was making out with Scorpia, last I checked. Which means it’s just you and me.” Her thumb circled again, with just a bit of nail, this time. “So, you want to try that again?”

Adora shook her head, a hint of a smile on her lips. “Dick.”

“I’m waiting.”

Adora swallowed, her eyes falling closed. The glass was cool against the side of her head, grounding her. She circled her arms around herself tighter, chin dimpling as she tried to say what needed to be said.

“Do you ever feel like …” Her throat tightened, and she had to take a breath before she could continue. “Do you ever feel like- like maybe, you’re just … not supposed to be here?”

Catra was quiet for a moment, but her thumb continued to stroke irritated skin.

“Pretty often,” she admitted softly. “It’s better, now. But … this castle. These friends. Roaming space and spreading magic. It’s not how I thought my life would turn out.”

Adora felt her throat go hot as tears trickled down her cheeks.

“That’s not what I meant.”

The thumb stopped.

“What did you mean, then?”

“Do you ever—” An inhale—quick, wet. “-feel like you not supposed to be here? Like, at all. Like, just—” Her hands rose and waved in the air, a short slice.

“Adora.”

“I’m 21 today.” Her eyes finally opened, and even through the wet, she could see Catra’s quiet worry. “And I really never thought that- I didn’t think I would make it this far. I really- I never- And now what? Now I’m- I’m here, and … what for? What’s the- the purpose of me now? The war is over, everyone’s safe, there’s no more fight, and I’m just … still …” She shrugged. “Here.”

She blinked, and the held tears escaped from her eyes. She could see, clearly now, that Catra’s eyes had flooded with their own.

“Why would you be anywhere else?”

Adora sighed, a short breath through her nose. She looked down, eyebrows scrunching.

“I just … I didn’t plan for this. I never accounted for … just … I don’t know. This. Just living, like this, and everything that means. I never … I don’t know what to do with that.”

“Do you—” Catra shifted, not looking at her. “-wish that you weren’t? Here, still.”

“I didn’t—” Adora shook her head, wiping under her eyes. “I didn’t say that.”

Catra sighed, leaning her head against the wall behind her. “Okay.”

“I’m not … Today just brought up a lot of weird feelings, that’s all. I’m just a little confused. I’m not going to do anything.”

Catra nodded, staring at the cross of Adora’s arms over her stomach.

“It wasn’t …” Catra had to stop, clearing her throat. “It wasn’t about the fighting all the time, right? I know we were raised with the war, but … There were a lot of times in there where … where you were just Adora. And those times were just as important.”

Adora’s stomach twisted. She moved her head in a nod. “Yeah. But it’s … hard to remember that, sometimes.”

“Well. Maybe you need a reminder.”

She stared at Catra as mismatched eyes slid to hers. Catra waited two heartbeats, four, before she began to move. She curled forward and crawled into Adora’s lap, staring down at her as she settled heavily onto Adora’s legs. Adora stared up at her, brows furrowed.

Catra’s hands rose, settling on each of her cheeks. Her thumbs stroked the tears away as she leaned, ever so slowly, to place a kiss against Adora’s lips.

“One,” she murmured.

“Catra?”

Their lips met again, warm and slow. Adora uncrossed her arms to rest her hands on Catra’s thighs.

Catra pulled back, but didn’t go far. “Two.”

“What are you doing?”

Another kiss, chaste, gone before Adora could question it. “Three.”

This time, Adora kept her mouth shut.

And then, once more.

“Four,” Catra said. “The year we met.”

Adora was quiet, looking up at her as Catra slowly stroked across her cheekbones.

“You gave me a name,” Catra breathed, voice wet. “I might’ve had one, before, but even I don’t remember it. It’s … It’s the kind of name a four-year-old would give someone, but you were the only one who bothered to. And despite everything, it stuck.”

“Catra …”

Catra leaned in and kissed her.

“Five. I said my first word. You were so excited, you ran around telling everyone. But when Octavia asked you what it was, you wouldn’t say, because you didn’t want to get in trouble.”

Adora hiccupped a laugh, tears spilling. “You picked it up from the older cadets. Only you’d have a swear as your first word.”

A kiss. “Six. You told me a joke when I was sick, and I laughed so hard I threw up.”

“I don’t even remember what it was,” Adora admitted. “It was probably really dumb.”

A kiss, pressed against the corner of her mouth.

“Seven. We played our first prank on Kyle. We put tape in the bottom of his shoes, and he couldn’t get them off.”

A kiss against her wet cheek.

“Eight. We got in our first fight. A real one. I felt like the world was ending.”

Adora swallowed. “Me too.”

A kiss against her forehead.

“Nine. We found a stash of Shadow Weaver’s wine while we were on kitchen duty, and it was the most disgusting thing we’d ever tasted. We swore we’d never touch it again as long as we lived.”

Against her closed eyelid.

“Ten. Lonnie tried to kiss you, and I punched her in the mouth. You got mad at me, but afterwards you told me you didn’t understand the whole kissing thing anyway.”

“It sounded gross,” Adora said, laughing at the irony.

A kiss on the bridge of her nose.

“Eleven. We decided we were going to stay together forever, no matter what.”

Adora’s face fell. She reached a hand up and wrapped her fingers around Catra’s wrist.

Catra knocked their noses together. She let their foreheads meet as she let out a breath.

Then, another kiss, gentle, against her lips.

“Twelve. We stayed up all night talking. Rogelio asked you if you liked boys, and you told him you didn’t know. But, that night, you told me you knew the answer. I never slept in my own bunk after that.”

Adora blinked her eyes open. “That’s when you decided to sleep in mine?”

“You’re so dumb.”

“I am,” she said.

She squeezed Catra’s wrist as she leaned forward and kissed her.

“Thirteen,” Adora said. “Shadow Weaver got mad at me and you yelled at her in front of everyone.”

Catra kissed her back.

“Fourteen,” she said. “You broke your wrist trying to do a flip.”

Two kisses in quick succession.

“Fifteen,” Adora said, “we found out what ‘I love you’ meant. Sixteen, we said it for the first time.” A kiss. “Seventeen. I learned how to drive a skiff and immediately crashed it.”

Catra chuckled. “The first thing you weren’t instantly good at.”

A kiss.

“Eighteen.” Adora swallowed. “I … found the sword.”

Catra hummed, shaking her head. “Eighteen. You found Bow and Glimmer.”

“Right. Eighteen … I befriended Bow and Glimmer.”

Catra hummed against her lips as she kissed her, but when she pulled away, she didn’t speak.

“Nineteen,” Adora whispered. “I, um … I got drunk and made out with Huntara a little bit.”

“Oh?”

“Just a little.”

A breathy chuckle pulled from Catra’s chest. “Should I be jealous?”

“No,” Adora said. She leaned forward and let their lips meet, and for a long time, she didn’t pull away. Catra was heavy against her legs, and Adora still had a hand wrapped around her wrist. She moved her other hand up to slip inside of Catra’s suit jacket, resting on her waist. Her fingers clenched against the silky material of her button-up, and Catra’s chest rumbled in a purr.

Finally, she pulled away. Catra took a breath.

Adora looked up at her through her lashes. She didn’t know how she’d gotten here, how she’d gotten so lucky.

“Twenty,” she said, leaning into the hand against her cheek. “We found each other.”

A smile pulled at the corner of Catra’s lips. “Yeah. We did.”

Adora let out a sigh as she closed her eyes, relishing in the warmth of Catra’s hands against her.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“You forgot one,” Catra whispered back. Her weight shifted as she leaned forward to place a kiss, soft and reverent, against Adora’s forehead. She pulled back, letting their heads rest together. “Twenty-one. You’re safe, surrounded by and celebrated by the people who love you most in the world. You have a whole life ahead of you, filled with endless possibilities, and endless people ready to support you on whatever path you take. You have two best friends who, while idiots, always have your best at heart. And you have a girlfriend who would do anything at all just to see you smile. You have a good head on your shoulders, the body of a goddess, and enough ambition to fill this whole castle and then some. You have all the possibilities in the world, Adora. And now you get to choose.”

Adora took a moment to sit and breathe. Catra wiped each tear away as it fell.

“Do I have to choose today?”

“Not today,” Catra murmured. “Today, you get to celebrate with your friends, eat as much cake as you can stomach, and try not to trip over your own feet in front of all our guests. Oh, but you have to pretend to like all your presents. I asked around. Most of them are pretty bad.”

Adora huffed a laugh, opening her eyes to stare at the softly squinting mismatched set looking back.

“Hey.” Catra tilted her head with just a hint of a smile. “You know you’re gonna be okay, right?”

Adora watched her. Her own mouth was beginning to climb upwards at the ends.She wasn’t even able to help it.

“Yeah,” she said. “I do.”

#she ra #spop #catra #adora #catradora #she ra fic #spop fic #i started a drabble collection on ao3 so i can write some shorter stuff like this #instead of the 8k behemoths i keep accidentally churning out #come get yalls angst #i wrote a meta about this a while ago but i had to write it into a fic #existentially fucked up adora #Anonymous #[edit] SORRY TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAD TO LOOK AT THIS LONG ASS POST I DONT THINK THE READ MORE BUTTON WAS WORKING #is it fixed now?? wtf tumblr

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wonderful-writer · 4 years ago

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11 - Never Mine

Summary: A fire burns down the camp’s meat house, leaving everyone available to go hunting in pairs. Y/n and Harper go together, allowing Harper to fill Y/n in on what happened on Unity Day. When she arrives back to camp, she sees something she didn’t want to see.

Word Count: 2.07k

Based Off: 01x11 “The Calm”

A/N: So my phone is supposed to be coming sometime today and I’m really anxious about it, also I’m almost done writing season two and I might be taking a break from posting for a week to catch up and get even more ahead on chapters

You’d given yourself every watch shift that you could, even relieving some people of their own to do double shifts as a means to distract yourself from your constantly wandering thoughts. Since there was no movement or signs of grounders, standing on guard didn’t do much.

You were constantly reminded of Jasper’s and your mothers when yesterday, Bellamy had come himself to lure you away from your post when Monroe informed him that you shooed her away when she came to take over for her shift and that you had been there since dawn.

You saw him talking with Clarke ahead of you, making sure to glance back at you every so often. He walked off with Clarke, back into camp. A commotion inside camp drew your attention away, seeing a fire starting in the meat house. You rushed away from your post for the first time since this morning.

You checked over Octavia as Bellamy broke up the fight that had begun. She assured you that she was okay and you patted her shoulder with a smile, which she returned.

“Now what the hell are we gonna do?” Octavia yelled over the flames. “That was all the food!”

Nothing was able to be salvaged, and there wasn’t enough food on the dropship to last everyone, so Clarke decided to get everyone available out to hunt, even with the threat of grounders.

“Each group takes someone with a gun. And they’re for killing grounders, not food. We don’t have the ammo. Use the spears for hunting.” Bellamy shouted over everyone’s movement and murmurs. “Bring back what you can and be back by nightfall. No one stays out after dark.”

You didn’t feel the need to take a spear with you as you had your sword and daggers, but you teamed up with Harper, who was good with her gun and someone you knew you’d be able to be around.

As you left camp, with your eyes sharp, you decided to finally ask about Unity Day.

“Harper?”

“Yeah?”

“What the hell happened on Unity Day?” She giggled at your question but replied.

“How much do you remember?”

“I remember everything up until we were at the fire.” You admitted, stepping over a tree root.

“You can’t even remember the best part!” She laughed. “We played truth or dare. Me, you, Monroe, Jasper, and Monty.”

“And?” You asked.

“And it was pretty boring until I decided to ask you if you would have sex with Bellamy if you had to.” You blushed at the words but stayed silent for her to continue. “And you said, and I quote, ‘Hell yeah I would jump his bones if I absolutely had to’.”

“Oh, God.” You groaned, putting a hand on your face. Note to self, never get drunk again.

You sighed, still feeling confused about everything afterwards, and how you ended up in your tent. “Wait a second, how did I get back into my tent?”

“Oh, that.” Harper smiled giddily. “Bellamy carried you there almost immediately after you answered my question. Said he was preventing you from saying or doing anything else incredibly stupid.”

Your blush increased tenfold, knowing that he heard your honest response. You wondered if Jasper lied about Bellamy knowing your true feelings, but shook your head at the thought and focused on getting food for camp.

You and Harper hauled back a boar and some smaller animals, but nothing else. You went to clean your sword and daggers while she took the game over to where the new meat house was supposed to be.

After they were cleaned, you put them back in your tent and decided to tell Bellamy about how much food everyone gathered. You pulled back the flap as you began talking, eyes focused on the ground. “Everyone’s back now, we didn’t-”

You cut yourself off at the sight in front of you. Bellamy, sweaty and quite possibly naked in bed, with Raven pulling her pants on by the bed. You gasped and started to back away from the scene, eyes wide and tear-filled, as Raven looked at you apologetically and Bellamy tried to get you back in the tent as much as he could, being naked and all.

As soon as you were out of the tent you went to Jasper’s tent, praying he was in there. The tears in your eyes and falling down your cheeks made it hard for you to see, but he wasn’t there. You wiped your tears and took a shaky inhale, walking back out to bump into Octavia.

“Y/n? What happened? Are- are you okay?” You shook your head and frowned at her question, another flow of tears running down your face. She pulled you back into the empty tent to comfort you and figure out what was wrong.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay.” She pressed your head to her shoulder as you wrapped your arms around her waist, sitting down on one of the beds with her. She stroked your hair and calmed you down enough to get you to talk.

“What happened, Y/n/n?” She asked as you lifted your head from her shoulder.

“God, it was awful!” You sobbed. “He- Bellamy slept with Raven!” You cried again. You didn’t know that it would have this kind of effect on you. That he would have this effect on you.

“And Jasper, he- he said that Bellamy loved me back because I love him, I really really love him.” Your voice was thick with tears, and Octavia never thought she could hate her brother more than she did now.

“Oh, Y/n. You’ll be okay. He’s no good for you, anyways.” She comforted you.

“But that’s the thing, Octavia. He’s my best friend. He knows me like the back of my hand and we’ve only been down here almost a month! And I’ve lost everyone I’ve ever loved, and I don’t think I want to lose him, too. He doesn’t love me and I can’t look at him knowing that and I fucking hate it. He's my best friend and I hate him, but I love him too.”

“Sweetie, I don’t know how to help you. I’m sorry that I can’t help you, I really am. But the best thing for you to do right now is to ignore him. Give yourself time to heal. And if he tries to approach you, come to me. I’ll punch him for you. Or better yet, punch him yourself.”

You laughed at her words and wiped away your tears, composing yourself. “Thanks, ‘Tavia. I’m gonna go freshen up, you get some rest.” You patted her knee and left the tent, willing all emotions to leave your body as you went to wash your face and attempt to cover up the tear stains.

Soon you found yourself alone in the woods with Bellamy, while Octavia, Monty, and Raven were split up, communicating over the walkie-talkie to look for Clarke and Finn, who hadn’t yet returned from their hunting trip.

“Just keep the moon to your left and you’ll find us,” Bellamy repeated to Monty. You walked in silence, sword drawn.

“Listen, Y/n-”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Blake. You wanted to have some fun, Raven was fun. I get it. Now shut up and keep your eyes peeled.” You said coldly. His eyes showed that he was hurt by your words, but when Monty kept talking over the walkies, Bellamy cut in.

“Damn it, Monty. Just pay attention.” He commanded. “Do you see anything?”

“Report.” He demanded when no response came. There was a screech and then static until Raven’s voice came through.

“There’s someone in the bushes.” She said in a low tone.

You moved to where they were, seeing Myles laying on the ground, injured. “Clarke and Finn, where are they?”

“Grounders took them.” He wheezed out.

“Take it easy,” Bellamy instructed. “We have to get him back to camp.”

“Bell, what about Clarke and Finn?” Octavia asked worriedly.

Raven stood and began to cry softly when no response left Bellamy’s lips. “Raven, I’m sorry.” You rolled your eyes at the exchange, even though you probably shouldn’t have.

“We need to make a stretcher.” She decided before walking off to find materials.

“Monty, we’re heading home. You copy?” Bellamy spoke into the walkie-talkie. “Monty, can you hear me?”

The lack of response worried you.

“Monty.” Bellamy tried again. “Monty, where the hell are you?”

Raven came up with enough material to make a stretcher to bring Myles back to camp with, You carrying one end with Octavia while Raven and Bellamy carried the other. Having everyone in such close quarters made the trip back home long, awkward, and intense.

“Put him over there,” You pointed with a free hand to the empty table in the dropship. You planned on tending to Myles’ wounds as much as you could until you found Clarke and she could finish patching him up, but you couldn’t do much for him.

You spent the better part of an hour just removing the arrowheads from his body, as they were difficult all on their own. Once they were out you attempted to stitch him up based on what you’d seen Clarke do for you when you ripped your own, and by then he was passed out from the pain. The quiet unnerved you, but you didn’t mind.

The only sound that was heard was water dripping when you cleaned the blood around his freshly stitched cuts so you could put bandages. You were glad that you had helped heal him, but you felt that leaving the dropship wasn’t going to do any good for you.

And you were right. Bellamy was waiting for you outside the dropship, and as soon as you descended the ramp, he began to talk as you looked straight ahead.

“Listen, Y/n, I’m sorry, I-”

“I don’t know why you’re apologizing to me, Blake.” You deadpanned, stopping to turn to Bellamy with a cold face.

“It’s not like I’m your girlfriend or anything. I don’t need an explanation. You’re a grown man and everyone has urges. So just give up and drop the apologies. And while you’re at it, just leave me alone for a while.” It took almost everything you had to will the tears to not make an appearance, and it took just as much to keep a straight face and say what you did.

You saw the hurt in Bellamy’s face and your heart broke knowing that you caused it, but you walked away and into your tent anyways, forcing yourself not to turn around and comfort him. Because that isn’t who you are anymore. Earth changes people. Pain changes people.

You noticed that Jasper was back, and decided to pay him a visit. He was the one to comfort you when you were children, and you could use some of that now.

“Hey, Jasp.” You greeted him as you entered, a sad spark in your tone as you threw him a tight-lipped smile.

“What’s wrong?” He immediately asked.

“How do you always know when I’m upset?” You asked curiously.

“That tight smile, for starters. And your voice, I could hear it when you said hi.” he pointed out, causing you to nod, before slowly dissolving into tears. Jasper came to your aid, wrapping his arms around you in a hug.

“Are you okay?” Your only response was a shake of the head.

“He doesn’t love me,” You whispered.

“What? Of course, he does, Y/n/n,” Jasper attempted, rubbing your back.

You raised your head at his words and looked at him with your red eyes. “Oh, yeah? If he felt anything for me, anything at all, why the hell would he sleep with Raven?”

Jasper’s eyes widened at your comment, before his face filled with anger. “That son of a bitch-”

You stopped Jasper before he could move out of the tent. “Don’t. I took care of it already. I’m going to ignore him for a little while, I’ll be fine. I just need time for myself.”

Jasper nodded and you let go of him, shaking your body a little to relieve some of the extra energy you had, until one of the others called out from outside of the tent.

“Everyone's gotta get outside! We’re building foxholes!”

It was going to be a long night.

Taglist: @soullessbabee | @hyperion-moonbabe-art3mis | @dummythiccwitch | @sireddobrev | @gxvrielle

#bellamy blake #bellamy blake imagine #bellamy blake series #bellamy x reader #bellamy blake x reader #bellamy blake x you #bellamy blake x y/n #this is war series

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rewolfaekilerom · 3 years ago

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why reread books?

//NOTE: This was originally posted to Wordpress on 04.24.2021//

I didn’t write last week. Whoops. I could come up with an excuse, but I don’t need to. I spent 7 years in grad school, and some 17 years before that in regular school; this blog is my way of reconditioning myself to love writing for the sake of writing and not to write out of some obligation or feeling that I’m not doing enough.

I work 40 hours a week, and most of that’s with writing in some way, shape, or form. I’m doing plenty.

So, today’s post.

I started reading P. D. James’s Death Comes to Pemberley today. (I promise I’ll write about the Sookie Stackhouse series. I finished it last week and have so many thoughts, but I’m not quite ready to share them.)

The first few pages of Death Comes to Pemberley (this is about as far as I’ve made it) are a clever retelling of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, because that’s what James’s book is based on. I read Austen’s novel ages ago–probably as a teenage and probably next to a pool. I think I was made to get a PhD because one of the challenges I set myself one summer as a teenager was to read all of Austen’s novels. I think I got through most of them, but I don’t really remember. I was a bit of an oddball and a nerd. My dad and I would go to the public library every weekend, and I went through a phase where I’d take out a stack of poetry books just . . . to read in study hall. Like I said, weird kid. I thank my parents for indulging my love of books, even if it meant that I was an overgrown child in grad school for too many years and filled their lives with sympathy stress.

Anyway. I think I mentioned in my previous post that I like to reread books. What I mean by this is a few different things, actually–or, rather, this rereading can come in a few different forms.

I, of course, mean it in the straightforward sense. I’ve reread Rebecca many times, and I’ve reread Barbara Michaels’s oeuvre many, many more times than I’d ever be willing to admit.

But by “I like to reread books,” I also mean “I like to reread books–sometimes immediately after I’ve finished them.”

I’m definitely not proud of this, but I reread both the After series by Anna Todd–you know, the One Direction fanfic that’s actually a really gross (in every sense of that word) depiction of a tremendously abusive and toxic relationship–and the To All the Boys… series by Jenny Han immediately after I finished them. Ironically, I wouldn’t have ever picked either series up if it weren’t for a podcast I started with two friends that will likely never see the light of day. In any case, Han’s series is genuinely good; I relate to Lara Jean’s character in the sense that she’s quite similar to how I was as a teenager; there’s a comfort there that’s coupled with a forced humility–I like laughing at myself, even when someone else is also laughing at me. And Todd’s series is . . . trash, which is probably what makes it compelling. It’s not a series you read to feel good about yourself or other people; it’s a literary car wreck, something you want to look away from because it’s terrible and you know it’s bad for you, but you also feel some inexplicable compulsion to stare it directly in the eyes and engage.

For all my bravado, I’m usually pretty good at picking my battles and not engaging, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t help but engage (and reengage) with the After series. Maybe I’ll delve into that in another blog post, though I’m thinking that’ll have to be something akin to a therapist visit, and it’ll most certainly be something I’ll have to work through repeatedly.

The most straightforward reason I can give for why someone might immediately reread a book is that they feel like they devoured it too quickly the first time so they need to go back and pay closer attention. I’ve done this with a few mystery books–Tana French’s The Witch Elm, for instance–because I’ve finished the book feeling a bit like I didn’t read closely enough and so missed out on some of the author’s brilliance. I immediately begin rereading in hopes of really appreciating what the author has to say and how they’ve said it.

I might also immediately reread a book because I feel like the ending came too soon–like I maybe didn’t get to spend enough time with the characters or in their world, like maybe I’m not ready to leave that fictional universe or to let go of that story. I think this is fairly relatable. I’ve read heaps of tumblr posts and heard from many friends that sometimes finishing a book is a sad experience because, as with any ending, there’s a certain degree of mourning that has to happen for the thing that has been lost. In the case of finishing a book, you might feel compelled to mourn the loss of a particular experience, world, space, or set of characters. Those things still exist on the pages of the book–hey, we write about literature using the present tense because those things continue to exist even after we’re finished with them–and they also exist in our minds. But the thing about finishing a book is that, though the memory of that reading experience stays with us, the experience of being guided through that fictional world ends. The author is, of course, our guide through their fictional world; when we finish a book, we lose that guide. Depending on how we feel about the author’s voice–or, perhaps more appropriately, the narrator–we may feel a greater or lesser sense of loss.

I don’t really Elizabeth Bowen’s or Alix Harrow’s writing styles (these are honestly the first two authors who came to mind; I know they’re very different–so, see, I’m well read!), so I don’t feel a great sense of loss when I leave their fictional worlds, however compelling they might be. But I do tend to like the types of narrators Emily St. John Mandel, Octavia Butler, or (the Janus-faced–multi-faced?) Carolyn Keene offer readers (again, it’s like I’m trying to pick completely unsuitable pairs, but I swear I’m not), so I feel a sense of loss when I’m forced to separate from those narrators because I’ve finished experiencing their physical manifestations–the bound collection of pages on which they live their finite lives.

Someone might argue that those narrators can live on in the reader’s mind just as the fictional world they inhabit gets taken up and finds new life in the reader’s imagination. I like that argument, but I think it overlooks the simple fact that the narrator’s voice isn’t all that matters here. That narrator is a puppet, and the author is the master puppeteer who directs what the narrator does, says, and conveys–that is, how the narrator guides us, the readers, through the story. So, again, when we finish a book, we lose our guide through–sometimes even our friend in–the fictional world.

To wax poetic for a second, when we finish a book, we get to move forward in time while the narrator is stuck back in time. There’s something so sad about leaving someone behind, and it’s especially sad when we have to leave someone in a not-so-pleasant world–even if it’s fictional. It’s the reason a story like Peter Pan is so sad–Peter is a nasty little tyrant, but we (or maybe just I) can’t help but feel bad for him because he’s left behind while everyone he loves and who loves him grows up, because that’s the natural course of action. As one of my grad school peers once pointed out, Barrie’s narrator begins the book by marking Peter as exceptional–as the exception–because he’s the only child who doesn’t grow up.

So, to get back to my point, when we reread a book, we’re trying to recapture and reunite with that guide, that friend, who we’ve had to leave behind because of the simple fact that we outlived them. After all, our lives continue to go on after theirs have ended. The operative word in that first sentence, though, is “try.” There’s a saying about how you can only experience something for the first time once, and I think that’s very true for reading a book. You can only be fully immersed in a narrator’s present moment and fully subject to the will of a narrator one time, and that’s the first time you go through their story with them. In every subsequent journey, you have the advantage (or disadvantage?) of knowing exactly where the story will take you, and so a bit of the mystery–or helplessness, or naiveté, or whatever–is gone.

That said, though, I’m not sure I’d go so far as to argue that you can only experience the story “as it’s truly designed to be experienced” one time–that first time. I’m sure this perspective has something to do with some deep-rooted prejudice I have against attributing meaning or intention to an author. I don’t want to probe that prejudice too much at the moment because I suspect it’s coupled with layers of anxieties that are all somehow connected to four years of graduate coursework spent feeling a bit like the dumbest person in the room.

I’ve read a lot of books (#humblebrag), so, naturally, I’ve read books in a lot of different environments, for a lot of different reasons, and in a lot of different states of mind. I like to think of myself as generally a pretty “good” reader–that is, in the sense that I’m able to appreciate stories for what they are and to suspend my disbelief, sometimes while a very distracting “real world” goes on around me. Again, that’s probably partially because of my training. I’ve read in silent libraries, backseats of cars and on crowded buses, at pools, in bed, in fields, at busy airports, in cabs, at bars and coffee shops, at house parties–and those are just physical places. I’ve also read in diverse situations, including while immensely happy, having just had a fight, while crying, because it’s assigned reading, while heartbroken, while trying to also keep a conversation going, during class, because this book reminds me of something else, while anxious, when very tired, during the middle of an argument, out of curiosity, while waiting, and the list goes on. The sheer volume of reading one has to complete (or at least try to complete) to keep up with a grad-level literature course means that one has to be okay with reading whenever and wherever. I’ve literally carried a book with me on a date and to the grocery story “just in case” I had some extra time.

To get closer to my point, this is all a very long way of saying that there are so many circumstances that can affect our reading experience that it’s impractical for an author or a reader to think that there’s only one way to read a story. Take a relatively broad circumstantial reading category like “beach reading.” There are so many different beach scenarios that an author–even one who’s willing to settle for a very broad interpretation of “beach reading” like “reading near a large body of water with some level of distractions but in a generally relaxed mood”–can’t attempt to predict. I’d honestly be surprised to hear that an author aiming to write “beach reading” would even try to get more specific than that. After all, we don’t really have categories like “tropical beach vacation with friends reading” or “rocky Maine beach on a solo vacation reading.” I doubt an author would attempt to get that specific because, after all, writing is a career and those who do it need to create a product that will be marketable to enough people to make it worthwhile and to secure a living. And for an author who isn’t writing professionally, it hardly seems worth it to even attempt to take the time to try to predict the circumstances that might surround their audience’s experiences with the finished story. There are simply too many variables, so the goal must be, to some degree, at least, to write a story that conveys something to someone in whatever circumstance they happen to be in at the moment they’re reading. That’s a monumental task. An author might, then, have an “ideal” reader in an “ideal” scenario or state of mind or whatever, but they can’t ever write to that “ideal” alone–and that’s even if they’re writing for themselves, since they don’t know what frame of mind they’ll be in when they experience the story again (unless, of course, they don’t intend to experience the story again, in which case nothing matters except the present, which is pretty interesting in itself but not what I’m talking about right now).

But something I’d also like to note is the simple fact that sometimes stories are better–more interesting, more effective, more whatever–the second time we read them. I’ve read books with perfect focus–in a quiet library, for instance–and not found them all that compelling; I’ve also gone back to those books later–once I’m in a slightly different place (mentally, physically, emotionally, without the pressure of reading for class, whatever)–and genuinely enjoyed them. I’ll readily admit that sometimes I’m just a better reader, and sometimes I’m a better reader of a particular type of book than I might be otherwise. As humans, we’re perpetually in flux. Books are more or less stationary objects that don’t really change. We’re what changes, so we might be in a better position to appreciate a book at one point in our lives than at another point.

So, I might reread a book to recapture that first reading experience. But I might also reread a book to have a different reading experience, to meet the narrator when I’m a slightly different person. My goal might be to relearn or refresh myself of the lessons I learned through reading that particular story, but it might also be to gauge how I’ve changed. Each time I reread a story, I have a different reading experience: I notice different things; I feel different feelings; I appreciate different characters or appreciate the same characters differently; I take away different ideas about my current world based on not only how my current world compares to the fictional world but also how my current world compares to the current (now past) world I lived in the previous time(s) I experienced the fictional world.

Oy, that was a lot. And I could complicate this all further by delving deeper into why we read at all–why we sign on to read a story, what we how to get out of the reading experience, and what reading actually does for us. But I already wrote a dissertation, so I’m not going to do that again. Also, we all read for different reasons and we each read different types of stories for different reasons, so there are so many variables that it’s hardly worth it to explore that topic in a really broad sense. Maybe a narrower sense would be more productive, but I’ve already written enough for today.

What I want to say is that I’m definitely not alone in rereading stories. There are ample reasons to reread stories, the most straightforward of which being that it can just be enjoyable to do.

And to think that this post grew out of the idle thought that I’d like to reread Pride and Prejudice. And I’m still only three pages into Death Comes to Pemberley! Well, okay, onward.

xoxo, you know.

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puddygeeks · 4 years ago

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Wᴇ Cᴏᴍᴇ Rᴜɴɴɪɴɢ - Tʜᴇ 100 Bᴇʟʟᴀᴍʏ x OC - Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 70: Sᴇᴇᴅs ᴏғ Dɪsᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ

Masterlist

Rating: Mature

Summary: During her time in the Skybox, Indigo formed a precious friendship with fellow outcast Octavia Blake, the girl under the floor. At first they thought their departure from the oppression of the Ark was a blessing, but quickly came to rely on Indigo's keen survival instincts. The 100 struggle to meet the challenges of Earth whilst Bellamy strives to lead the wavering teenagers and his irresponsible attitude fuels constant conflict with Indigo. Their only shared interest is in protecting Octavia and Indigo beings to suspect that there is a deeper cause to Bellamy's seemingly irrational choices. As the consequences of his actions mount up around him, he finally begins to confide in her and she discovers more than she ever bargained for.

Fandom: CW’s The 100

Pairing: OC x Bellamy Blake

LONG TERM ONGOING PROJECT :)

My writing is entirely fuelled by coffee! If you enjoy my work, feel free to donate toward my caffeine dependency: will work for coffee

Warnings: Mature content. Non-consent, language, sex, self harm, suicide, anxiety, helplessness, torture, captivity/confinement, alcohol/drug use.

Episodes: Watch The Thrones

Chapter Seventy

My body felt heavy as I gradually stirred and the first thing that I noticed in my environment was the consistent beep of a heart monitor. Something was in my nostrils, irritating my nose and I could feel dressings of some kind stuck to multiple parts of my skin. There was an intense soreness in my chest, feeling as if I had been bruised all over and I felt the familiar tight sensation of stitches.

Exhaustion hung over me, preventing me from opening my eyes too soon and my mind swirled over the last events in my memory as I tried to make sense of what was happening. The explosion of Mount Weather replayed in my mind and I felt my heart skip a beat in panic, allowing me a burst of energy to wake from the medication that was being pumped into an IV.

The medical unit swam into view and it took a few moments for me to process the fact that I was back in Arkada. People rushed around me, seeming flustered by my movement as if they had not expected it and I strained to concentrate on their words.

“Get Abby. She’s waking up!” Jackson’s voice alerted, before hurrying over to my side in concern and he slapped my hands away as I attempted to pull an oxygen tube from my nose.

“Morning, sleepyhead. Now listen, don’t go getting all excited and jumping around. You’re not long out of surgery, so you still need to rest. I’m just going to run some obs on you to check how you’re doing whilst you get your bearings.” He explained, moving to wheel over a blood pressure machine with a bunch of other medical tools sitting in a basket that was attached to it and I nodded to consent to anything that he felt he needed to do.

Everything felt horribly bright to my tired eyes, but fortunately the ward was empty so I could take my time to reorient myself without any interruption. My memories of how I survived the explosion were hazy in my muddled mind and I was sure that I remembered Jackson arriving at the perfect moment to treat me, but I couldn’t think of any reason why he would have been there.

“Am I imagining things, or did you save my life?” I muttered, my voice still hoarse from smoke inhalation and Jackson smiled down at me as he worked.

He finished placing the blood pressure cuff on my arm and set it to begin squeezing my arm, then busied himself with taking my temperature. I waited patiently for an answer, my blinks lazy and long as I still battled to wake up and once he was content that he’d done all he needed too, Jackson perched on the edge of the bed to view me with evident fondness.

“Sinclair radioed to ask me to come to staff the med bay in the mountain as soon as the rescue party left. Just in case things went bad, he thought it made sense to have me standing-by where the best of our equipment was.” He explained calmly, observing me closely as he filled in a medical chart and I hummed thoughtfully, surprised at how efficient Sinclair had been whilst we were leaderless. “Fortunately, it took a while to get there, so I was just in time to witness your crazy stunt.” He quipped, glancing up at me with a cheeky glint in his eye and I smiled weakly at him.

Before I could manage a response, Abby rounded the corner and thinned her eyes at me in a manner that indicated that I was in trouble. Jackson noticed my attitude become tense and glanced back at her, before grimacing slightly. He instantly got to his feet, sneaking me a supportive smile as he packed up the equipment and then made himself scarce.

“You have us quite a scare, Indigo. Again.” Abby declared, nearing to check my stats on the machines and I knew that I was in for a lecture.

“I only just found out that you asked Jackson to hide your broken ribs from everyone. Do you understand how irresponsible that was? If he hadn’t arrived at Mount Weather just after the explosion, you would have died from your injuries. You’re very lucky that you still didn’t.” She scolded, standing above me with a stern expression and I moved my gaze to my feet awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, Abby.” I whispered, feeling completely unprepared to defend my actions when I was this weak and I chewed on my lip.

Deep down, I knew that I deserved to hear this and she was right to be furious at me for my actions, but whilst every part of my body was aching, I was all too aware of the effect of my decisions. I didn’t need anyone to tell me that I had been foolish, but I swallowed my pride to allow them their reactions and she sighed in an exhausted manner as she regarded me.

“I’m not the only person that you need to apologise to. Sometimes, I’m not convinced that you realise the impact you have on this camp. Your remaining group all depend on each other for their wellbeing and each time that we lose one of you, the rest of you suffer. They all worry for you and you know better than anyone that when they worry, they make bad decisions. In the time that I’ve known you, you’ve always acted as if you are the most mature of your group and have taken the role of being responsible for them. I’m sorry if this is difficult to hear, but it’s time for you to realise that your actions will get them killed if you don’t start learning to share the burden.” She advised, her voice low and serious, and I finally met her eyes with regret.

“You’re right.” I admitted, fiddling with my hands awkwardly, feeling as if I were staring into the face of my own disappointed mother and as I opened my mouth to continue, Bellamy hurtled around the corner in a fluster.

Though Abby tried to warn him off with her body language, clearly keen to finish our conversation without him fussing over me, he refused to await permission to interrupt. He charged past her to reach my bedside with desperation and had to pause just before he reached me to soften his movements so that he wouldn’t unintentionally hurt me in his enthusiasm.

“You’re finally awake!” He breathed, relief filling his handsome features as he gently took my face in his hands and placed a cautious kiss on my forehead, as if he were afraid that he might break me. “You really scared me this time, Inds. I thought I was gonna lose you.” He confessed in a weak voice, his eyes still red from crying and whilst he was close enough for me to properly examine him, I began to notice how broken down he looked.

“I’m fine, Bel. I’m not going anywhere.” I answered reassuringly, keen to put his troubled mind at ease and without even looking at her, I could feel Abby raising her brows at me as she cleared her throat.

“Actually, she’s not fine.” She clarified, stepping closer with her arms crossed and Bellamy turned to view her with interest. “In the interest of transparency, as your girlfriend has a history of hiding important medical information, you should know that she has three broken ribs, one of which caused the puncture in her lung. These breaks occurred almost six weeks ago in a fight, I’m told, and so although they shouldn’t give her too much trouble in future, they are something that will need to be taken into consideration from now on. Fortunately, we were able to confirm in surgery that they’re mostly healed at this point, as much as it is possible for them to.” She reported, allowing Bellamy a chance to sneak a frustrated glance at me that made me shrink in shame, before she continued.

“However, her lung has taken some substantial damage. We will need to monitor her breathing to ensure that it continues to heal and doesn’t collapse again. She’s also sustained several second degree burns, which will need regular dressing changes and care. Not to mention that she just underwent life saving surgery which will leave her weak and vulnerable. We’ll keep her here overnight, at least, but I need to make it clear that she is not to go on patrol, or guard duty, or partake in any kind of strenuous activity for some time, and absolutely not without my express permission. This is serious and I expect it to be treated as such.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll make sure that it is.” Bellamy asserted, his voice deeply serious now that he knew the full extent of my injuries and I already recognised from his tone that I was about to be in far worse trouble with him than I ever had been with Abby.

“I’ll let you two catch up for now. But, Indigo, you and I are not finished.” Abby stated, flashing me one last severe glare, before she departed and I gulped down my dread as I anticipated the rest of my punishment from her.

Once we were alone, I could sense the tension in the air and Bellamy turned to study me with an obvious sense of betrayal that made me want the ground to open up and swallow me.

“Indie. What is going on with you?” He asked, furrowing his brows together as if he couldn’t understand what he had just been told and I shuffled in discomfort as his dark eyes studied me. “Why didn’t you tell me about the broken ribs?” He grilled, his tone displaying the hurt that he felt at this discovery and I could hardly stand how awful I felt about this decision now.

“Because I knew that you would make that face.” I answered in a sulky manner as I peeked up at the protective expression that he was wearing and I watched as he attempted to disguise the overbearing concern that was present in his eyes with little success.

“What face?”

“The face that you’re making right now. The poor, delicate Indie face. I hate that face.” I grumbled childishly as I crossed my arms, despising the way that he fretted over me whenever I was hurt and he cracked a slight smile at my confession.

“You know, I hate your face is a terrible way to start an apology.” He replied mockingly and though I was appreciative of his efforts to lighten the conversation, I couldn’t deny the awful feeling that was taking root in the pit of my stomach.

“I know that I should have told you. Even at the time, I knew it was wrong to cover it up.” I began, knitting my hands together nervously and he slipped a hand between them to stop me, instead just holding it comfortingly. “I knew that if you all found out, you would take me off patrol and guard duty, and I would just be trapped inside Arkadia, going totally crazy. It’s selfish, but I wanted to be able to go out with you, to make sure that you were okay. I couldn’t go back to waiting for you to come home.”

“We could’ve restricted your duties, so that you weren’t totally grounded.” He argued, seeming disappointed that I hadn’t trusted him to compromise with me and the guilt of this choice compounded in my chest. “You have to be more careful with your decisions, Indie. Keeping this to yourself could have gotten you seriously hurt at any time. You almost died!” He added with his voice raising in frustration as he considered it and I struggled to defend myself against his points.

“I know. It was stupid and reckless, and I knew that, but I did it anyway.” I confirmed, unable to lie any longer about my mindset at the time and Bellamy tilted his head at me as if to silently ask why I still did it. “I needed to keep coming out with you all, so that I could protect you. I couldn’t stand the thought of anything happening to you whilst I was recovering. As it turns out, my protection didn’t make a damn bit of difference when it really counted.” I added bitterly, dropping my gaze to my lap to avoid his reaction as I felt my eyes welling up and I could sense that he was studying me.

“What are you talking about?” He enquired with confusion, leaning forward to meet my gaze and I cleared my throat in a pointless attempt to keep the emotion from my voice.

“I failed her. Gina died because I left her alone. If I had stayed with her, I could’ve protected her. I could’ve protected all of Mount Weather. Instead, all I did was save myself.” I divulged, a feeling of utter shame overwhelming me as I recalled the moment that I ran, leaving everyone to die and Bellamy grabbed my chin to force me to look at him.

“Hey. Don’t do that to yourself.” He ordered, viewing me with disbelief and I felt my heart breaking in my chest as I tried to push the invasive memory away. “The Ice Nation sent an assassin into somewhere that we considered a safe space. Your guard was down. You weren’t even armed! If you’d been in that room, chances are that you would be dead too. This wasn’t your fault.” He stressed this point, leaning closer as desperately tried to reach past my self-loathing and I felt the first of many tears escape my control.

“I gave up, Bellamy. I just ran out of the facility to save myself. I could’ve saved other people, but I didn’t. I only thought of myself.” I revealed, feeling disgusted as I shared this with the overpowering fear that he would never be able to see me the same way and instead, he surveyed me with a pained understanding.

“You made a difficult decision in an impossible situation. You shouldn’t be ashamed of wanting to live, Love.” He advised, squeezing my hand and I sniffed to contain the wave of tears that willed to flow down my cheeks. “You remember the first time that we had an honest chat? When you followed me into the woods after Atom died, and you almost collapsed, and found me totally losing my mind with guilt?” He recalled quietly, taking me back to an encounter that I had long forgotten and I nodded slowly in response, allowing him to continue.

“You were the one that pointed out that we weren’t trained to make these choices. You told me that I would make mistakes, but that it would allow me to learn. We’ve both made a lot of mistakes since we landed here and we’ve become better survivors from it. At heart though, we’re still those same kids with no training. We’re doing the best that we can. I promise you, the best thing to do in that situation was to live, because we need you. I need you.” He spoke from the heart, reaching out to brush a tear from my cheek with such tenderness that it caused the dam inside me to break and I took a sharp breath as the emotion exploded out of me.

“I couldn’t save her.” I gasped in remorse, finally allowing the true depth of my pain to show and Bellamy shushed me gently. “I tried so hard. I didn’t know what to do. I tried to put pressure on the wounds, and-and I wanted to carry her to medical, but she wouldn’t let me. I really tried to help her and she still died in my arms. I couldn’t save her, Bellamy!” I cried as sobs wracked my chest causing another wave of pain and he pulled me to him.

It was hard to breathe as I wept against his chest, my still recovering lungs struggling to manage the sharp breaths of my cries, but Bellamy simply held me close and smoothed my hair, allowing me an opportunity to fall apart. Whenever I felt this broken, I craved his comfort in a way that I couldn’t put into words and his embrace melted away all of the outside influences that pressed down on me until it was just him and I.

“I know that you did everything you could. You always do. Sometimes it’s just not enough. You can’t blame yourself.” He soothed as he reasoned with my frazzled mind and although logically I knew that he was right, I felt that it would likely take some time before I was able to believe it for myself.

Time passed without my notice as I waited for my emotions to become manageable and Bellamy remained patiently holding me, content to allow me all of the time that I needed with him.

The warmth of his body gradually calmed me and eventually, I noticed that my eyes were stinging with tiredness again. The weight of the anaesthetic still hung over me and as I sat back to look up at him, he gave me a concerned look.

“It looks like you could do with some rest.” He remarked with a subtle sense of worry as I laid back on my pillow with a drowsy head and he lovingly pushed my fuzzy hair behind my ears, his touch lingering on the side of my face. “I’ll come back later to check on you.” He breathed as he moved to stand, but I grabbed his hand in a desperate bid for him to stay, clinging onto him with all the strength that I could muster.

Bellamy paused, looking back down at me from his towering height with a sympathetic smile and I battled to keep my eyes open, unwilling to be parted from him yet. After a few moments of consideration, he returned to sitting on the bed and placed a hand back on my forehead, tracing tender circles on my skin.

“Alright. I’ll stay until you fall asleep.” He conceded, observing me with such fondness that it made my heart swell and I released a small sigh of contentment. “I still need to read you to sleep, afterall.” He added with a smirk and as a smile filled my lips at the idea, I found myself drifting to sleep.

❖ ── ✦ ──『✙』── ✦ ── ❖

When I next woke, it was to an empty bed and the ward was almost totally quiet other than Jackson, who was completing paperwork nearby whilst also keeping an eye on me. It was as if Abby and him expected me to dramatically bolt out of here at any moment, ensuring that I was guarded at all times, but I honestly didn’t have the strength to escape from anywhere at the moment.

Though I wondered where Bellamy had got to, I knew that I was trapped in this bed for now and would need to come to terms with it sooner or later.

I sighed in frustration, looking around for something that could occupy my frantic mind when I noticed a book sitting on the table beside me with a note on the front. The moment that I gripped it, I recognised Bellamy’s scruffy handwriting and a smile filled my face.

I KNOW I PROMISED TO READ THIS TO YOU, BUT I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED SOMETHING TO DO TO KEEP YOU OUT OF MISCHIEF. READ THIS AND REST, MY TROUBLE. B x

Peeling the note from the cover revealed the copy of The Iliad that I had gifted him recently and I appreciated how thoughtful a gesture this was. With little else to occupy me, I fidgeted into a comfortable position and lost myself in the book.

As I absorbed the story, I could just imagine a young Bellamy with his mop of curly hair and adorable freckles, enthralled by the adventures in the pages. The idea caused a sense of happiness that helped to push away the weight of my grief and for a while, I was relaxed. So relaxed, in fact, that I didn’t notice the sound of the doors, or the person approaching, until they cleared their throat and startled me.

“Oh, Kane. You scared me!” I gasped, gripping my chest with a genuine anxiety as I panted and he held his hands up in surrender.

“My apologies.” He commented, glancing down at the book with amusement and I used Bellamy’s note as a bookmark before closing it. “I thought I would check how you were doing. Abby tells me that it was touch and go for a while?” He clarified, settling casually in a seat beside the bed and I gulped at the thought of another lecture.

“I’m okay.” I answered quietly, meeting his eyes with a nervous feeling and wondering if I could survive another talk on my foolish behaviour. “I know that what I did was stupid and irresponsible-”

“I’m not here to punish you. From what I understand, your Chancellor already beat me to it.” He remarked lightly, a playful smile dancing across his face and I breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought that I would update you on the events of the Summit, if you’re feeling up to it?” He offered in his usual wise demeanour and I nodded fervently, pleased that he still addressed me with the same sense of value, even when I felt completely broken and helpless.

“Please. All anyone wants to talk about is how much of an idiot I’ve been.” I grumbled, allowing myself to indulge in a moment of self pity and he chuckled under his breath. “No one has told me anything. What’s our situation?”

“We have become the thirteenth clan in the Commander’s coalition, officially recognised as Skaikru.” He began, causing my mouth to drop open in shock and he rolled up his sleeve to reveal a large brand on his forearm that represented our unity. “Lexa knew that The Ice Nation wished to kill her and she planned to show the coalition that she had acquired Wanheda’s power, without being forced to kill Clarke. We completed the joining process just before Bellamy and the others burst in.” He explained, with every word he spoke further blowing my mind and I struggled to wrap my head around everything that he had just told me.

“Did the Commander have any insight on the attack on Mount Weather?” I managed to form a single question as the puzzle pieces assembled in my mind and he studied me as if he were gauging my reaction.

“The Ice Nation claimed responsibility for the attack at the Summit. Lexa arrested the entire delegation and has vowed to support us in avenging the attack. Indra just confirmed that she will send the Trikru army to protect Arkadia, to ensure that we cannot be ambushed.” He reported in a matter of fact tone and I shifted uneasily, recalling how quickly she had retracted her word at Mount Weather. “Clarke has remained in Polis as Skaikru’s ambassador in the War Council, to ensure that our interests are represented.” He added and I felt a frown immediately cross my face in response to this revelation.

“Clarke?! That’s a mistake.” I blurted, another wave of shock washing over me and Kane raised his brows in question. “I get it. She’s been living as a grounder for all of this time and she facilitated the original alliance with them to get us out of Mount Weather. But you don’t know her like I do. With all due respect, Sir, I think that your view of Clarke is likely biased, because of your rel-friendship with Abby.” I stated, causing him to smile again and it seemed that as usual, he was amused by my brutal honesty.

“If you have concerns about Clarke’s suitability for this role, then I’d like to hear them.” He offered calmly, leaning forward in his seat to place his elbows on his lap and though I had expected him to be offended by my statement, I was glad to find that he was open to discussion.

“Clarke might be living their lifestyle now, but the moment that something doesn’t go her way, she’ll expect the Commander to abandon their rules to accommodate her. In our old camp, I saw her insist on democracy, which only resulted in a majority vote against her plans and she just went behind everyone’s back to continue with her own agenda anyway. Once Clarke has decided to do something, no one else’s opinion matters. Believe me, that attitude doesn’t work in a culture as rigid as the grounders. The first thing that I was taught with Arlo is that you follow orders without question. Clarke is physically incapable of doing that.” I rambled, not hesitating to express my full opinion and Kane smiled proudly at me.

“I appreciate your honesty on this, Indigo. Unfortunately, there is no one else that Lexa respects as she does Clarke and so we will have to rely on her to prove you wrong if we are to stand any chance of surviving this conflict with The Ice Nation. However, knowing your concerns will help us to anticipate any problems.” He remarked finally and I sighed in disappointment, anxiety settling in my stomach at the idea of Clarke sitting in a war council with the very real potential to cause carnage.

“Well, at least the Commander knows everything now. Azgeda are no longer working from the shadows and we have her support.” I conceded, deciding to focus on the positives for now and Kane nodded slowly as he processed my words.

“There is something else that I thought you should now.” He declared, seeming as if he were reluctant to discuss this next topic and I thinned my eyes at him suspiciously. “Bellamy returned his guard jacket to me earlier today. Apparently, he feels as if he is at fault for those we lost at Mount Weather. He doesn’t think that he deserves to be a guard any longer. Usually, I wouldn’t interfere in personal matters like this, but I have a gut feeling that he hasn’t told you about this decision and I hoped that you might be able to talk some sense into him?” He suggested in an uncomfortable manner and I felt my eyes widen in shock, hardly able to believe that he would keep something of this severity from me.

Recalling our earlier conversation, I felt immensely guilty for burdening Bellamy with my own grief when he was already blaming himself for the outcome of Azgeda’s plot and I felt a lump rising in my throat as I thought of him viewing himself in this manner. The wisdom and ease of the advice that he had given in defence of me made sense now that I knew he had already decided that the responsibility laid at his feet and I was hurt that he had put his own feelings aside to listen to me, instead of confiding in me.

“No, actually. He didn’t tell me.” I whispered, fidgeting with my hands nervously and Kane nodded slowly in understanding. “Thank you for letting me know. I will definitely speak to him about it.” I confirmed, forcing a polite smile and he seemed relieved that he might potentially be able to return Bellamy to his post.

“Well, I should get going. There is a memorial starting soon for those lost in Mount Weather.” Kane announced as he rose to his feet reluctantly, seeming as if he was exhausted too and I felt myself straighten up slightly at this revelation.

“Wait. I want to come.” I blurted, staring up at him with a sense of desperation and he studied me sceptically, clearly unable to believe that I would be able to manage it in my current condition. “I know that I need to rest. I’ll be careful and I’ll come straight back after. I just really need this. I was with Gina when she-” I cut myself off abruptly, unsure of how to explain exactly what I had experenced and Kane sighed heavily as he considered me.

“I don’t have the authority to allow you to leave. It’s a medical decision.” He stated regretfully and I felt my shoulders drop in disappointment. “Fortunately, I’m rather close with your doctor. I’ll speak to Abby now. As long as she agrees for you to go, I’ll ask Bellamy to come and collect you.” He added with a sly smile and I felt my face light up in appreciation.

❖ ── ✦ ──『✙』── ✦ ── ❖

Bellamy was quiet when he arrived and though I was alarmed by this, I was quickly distracted when I realised that he had thought to bring me some fresh clothes. He helped me to change into them delicately, before I placed the jacket that had once been his over the top and he chuckled at me for this. I held onto his arm for stability and once Jackson was content that I would be able to manage the walk, we carefully left medical.

As I clung to Bellamy’s bare arm, I noticed that he truly wasn’t wearing his guard jacket any longer and remembered my conversation with Kane in unease.

“You’re not wearing your jacket?” I enquired as casually as possible as we moved delicately through the halls of the Ark and Bellamy sighed slightly, revealing his discomfort at my question.

“Yeah. It got damaged.” He excused in a distracted manner and I could tell that he was struggling to think of a way out of the conversation. “ I need to get a new one. It’s not really a priority at the moment, though.” He reported, glancing down at me with a smile to subtly suggest that caring for me was far more important and I felt my stomach lurch as I realised that he had no intention of telling me that he had quit the guard.

We spent the rest of the walk in silence as my thoughts swirled, fearful over his secretive attitude and I was anxious that he had tried to keep me from the memorial too. It was obvious that he was suffering with guilt, but for whatever reason, he didn’t want my support with it and I hated the thought of him isolating himself with this.

Bellamy led me into the main dining space, where rows of chairs had been set up and tables were lined up at the front for people to leave items. The room was already full of grieving people waiting for the service to start and I could feel the weight of emotion in the air. He guided me into a seat beside him at the end of a row and immediately I began fiddling with my hands due to anxiety.

It wasn’t long before people began to present their tributes for their loved ones and I felt myself shaking as I considered all of the lives that were lost in the attack. Though it was challenging, I was glad that I had forced myself to attend to face it and I knew that this would be the hardest step of my journey to forgiveness. Each speech was heart-breaking to listen to, but I considered it my atonement for not attempting to save them and held myself together despite the storm of emotions in my mind.

My breath caught in my throat as Raven struggled her way to the front and Bellamy took my hand for support, sensing my distress. Her face was already red from tears and she appeared as if she hadn’t slept at all since we returned home. My heart ached for her as I had a unique insight into the pain that she was experiencing and I respected her strength as I compared it to my breakdown in Mount Weather quarantine.

“Gina was kind. She always put everyone else first, sharing love and compassion with anyone who needed it.” Raven began, her hands trembling as she read from a piece of paper and I knew that she was battling to make it through her speech. “She had incredible patience and no matter how hard I tried to push her away, she always stayed at my side. I never appreciated her for how wonderful she was, but I will make sure that she was remembered for it. Gina deserved better.” She finished with a tear rolling down her cheek and sniffed to contain the rest.

Rolling up the paper, Raven reached a shaking hand into her pocket and pulled out a keychain. Though many might have missed it, I noticed the pained reluctance in the way that she tenderly placed it down amongst the other items, as if she were unsure if she was truly ready to part with it and I remembered my insane attachment to the jacket that I currently wore with sympathy. I leaned my face onto Bellamy’s shoulder for comfort as tears of my own escaped my demeanour and he squeezed my arm in silent support.

Before the next name could be honoured, a group of guards entered and bypassed Kane and Abby to report directly to Pike in hushed voices. This made my back stiffen as I thinned my eyes at them suspiciously and I felt Bellamy tense too beside me.

As I scanned the people gathered here, it was clear that the guards arrival had caused a ripple amongst everyone and a feeling of dread settled in my stomach.

It was difficult to hear the conversation that was taking place, but I was sure that I heard a mention of grounders and the way that Pike looked over at our leadership only strengthened my belief in that. He approached them to repeat the information, causing me to feel uncomfortable with his new role of negotiator between the guards and Chancellor that I felt allowed a prime opportunity for manipulation.

“You gave a grounder one of our radios?” Pike stated accusingly, raising his voice for everyone else to hear and I had the distinct feeling that this was no accident, but rather a tactical decision to gain support.

“Sir. Are we under attack?”

A voice called from the crowd who were already murmuring restlessly and though I looked to Bellamy for reassurance, his focus was strictly set on Pike. People began to stand as the feeling of panic spread and I could sense the threat of impending chaos, sending my adrenaline into overdrive.

“No. We are not under attack.” Kane announced as he rose to address the concerned citizens, holding his hands out in an attempt to calm the delicate situation. “The Commander sent a peacekeeping force to ensure that we can defend against any further attacks from The Ice Nation.” He confirmed as he battled the incredibly fragile balance of power that we all knew was hanging on by a thread.

“Peace keeping force?!” Pike spat in disbelief, growing more irate by the second despite the inappropriate timing of this conversation. “Even you can’t be that naive, Marcus!” He yelled, further feeding the tension in the room as more of the crowd stood from their seats and I noticed with confusion that Raven was staring at Bellamy with rage bubbling her face, before returning my face to our leaders.

“Watch your tongue!” Abby warned as she fixed Pike with a stern stare. “You’re talking to the next Chancellor.” She announced and I raised my brows in surprise, having clearly missed this information when I was in recovery. “We’re all grieving. This has been hard on all of us, but we can’t let anger drive our policy.”

“Anger is our policy.” Pike yelled, gaining cheers of support from the watching audience and he used this momentum to step up onto a nearby surface to rally his people. “Now, if they’re here to defend us as you say, then tell them to go home. We can defend ourselves!” He argued, pointing down at Abby disrespectfully and I was struck by how much his attitude reminded me of Bellamy in our first few days on Earth.

In a moment of clarity, his admiration for the man made sense and I realised that Pike represented a simpler time for Bellamy that had been lost in the more nuanced lifestyle that we lived now. We had to consider alliances and politics in our current days, instead of simply focusing on day to day survival as we did in our dropship camp and I could understand why Bellamy would be drawn to the patriotic nature of Pike’s approach. However, this idea frightened me and I knew that I needed to publicly oppose Pike, just as I once had my lover, rising to my feet with a fierce glare.

“You fought against Azgeda warriors for months. How did that work out for you? Lose many people?” I began, drawing his attention as he viewed me with disgust and I crossed my arms defensively. “Believe me when I tell you, those fights were nothing compared to the force of their army. Without the help of Trikru, Azgeda will obliterate us. We stood with Trikru before against the mountain. These people that the Commander sends to protect us are our allies, not our enemies!” I advised, turning to speak to the people that were gathered with hope that I might be able to turn the rising tide, but my words fell on deaf ears due to the suffocating grief that hung over everyone here.

“Miss Sloan. Why don’t you remind us how you were rescued from the mountain?” Pike argued, his face growing smug as he knew that I would have to confirm that the army was not responsible for our rescue and I had a horrible feeling that my statement had only aided his cause. “The grounders abandoned us then and they will do it again. They can’t be trusted.”

“You.” One of the members of Farm Station pointed directly at Lincoln in an aggressive manner and my jaw clenched in anger. “You don’t belong here.” He accused, viewing him with an entirely undeserved hatred and I could hardly believe that things were deteriorating so quickly between our people.

“Then I guess I don’t either!” I declared, moving to shuffle past Bellamy so that I could stand beside Lincoln in support, but before I could even exit the row of seating, the situation continued to worsen.

“He’s one of them!” The ring leader yelled, rapidly prompting similar statements to be yelled by the crowd and it was clear that people were jumping on the opportunity to rid the camp of the person that they viewed as an outsider, already forgetting everything that Lincoln had done for us.

Bellamy rose to his feet to grab my arm, holding me in place protectively and whilst I was distracted by attempting to shake him off, the confrontation escalated to violence. The man who had begun this conflict threw a rock at Lincoln, which struck his head with a worrying impact and Bellamy was the first to leap into action as the Farm Station resident moved to attack Lincoln.

In no time at all, a fight erupted between people loyal to Kane and Abby, and Farm station, and although my mind was exploding with rage, my body could not keep up. My legs shook weakly as I struggled to remain upright and I had to lean on a chair to steady myself as the room spun around me.

I noticed Abby hurrying past me, working her way around the edge of the chaos to reach Lincoln, when the sound of a loud whistle drew my attention.

“Hey!” Pike bellowed loudly enough to bring everything to a halt and I was pleased to notice that some of our original guards from before we discovered Farm Station had leapt into action to pin down the instigators. “We do not attack our own! Fighting each other only makes us weak. The enemy is not in this camp. The enemy is out there!” He gestured to the gates and I glanced over at Lincoln to notice that he refused help from Abby, who called after him that he needed to go to Medical as he stormed out.

“You’re right. The enemy is out there. And it’s Azgeda. It’s not Trikru and it’s not Lincoln.” I clarified loudly, using what little energy had left to defend my family with passion and Bellamy nodded in support.

“Sir. We need to arrest that man responsible for this assault. Lincoln is one of us.” Bellamy advised, fortunately addressing Kane rather than Pike and before I could praise him for this, Raven interrupted with a loud scoff.

“How like you to immediately defend the grounder.” She spat, glaring at Bellamy with such venom that it shocked us and we both stared at her with confusion. “You’ve got some brass even being here when you’re the reason that they’re all dead.” She accused, moving closer to instigate an argument and I struggled my way over to them to calm things before another fight broke out.

“What are you talking about?” Bellamy investigated, forcing his voice into an even tone despite the emotional turmoil that I knew he was covering and I could see the hurt in his eyes as he regarded her.

“You told us to stay whilst you went to the Summit. You were the one who vouched for that grounder, even though you knew that she was Ice Nation. Even your girlfriend wasn’t sure about trusting her, but you did it anyway and you nearly got her killed too! You practically served us up on a fucking platter for the grounders. It wasn’t enough for you, killing everyone in Mount Weather once, was it? You just had to do it again!” She yelled, stepping forward to push his chest aggressively and Miller rushed over to restrain her, his movements careful so that he wouldn’t hurt her.

“I’ll never forgive you! It’s your fault that Gina is dead! You took everything from me!” She screamed, manically fighting against Miller as she tried to attack and Bellamy simply stared at her in stunned silence, frozen to the spot in horror.

“That’s enough, Raven. You’re only making things worse!” I snapped, stepping between them with a false strength as I faced her down and I was able to catch a glimpse of the broken person that hid beneath Raven’s rage. “Gina wouldn’t want you to do this and you know it. Take a walk.” I advised calmly, causing her anger to dissolve into pain and she shook Miller’s grip from her shoulders to march out of the room shamefully.

The moment that the conflict was over, I felt as if I might collapse. Noticing my sudden vulnerability as I turned back to face him, Bellamy gripped my arms to keep me from falling and I stared up at him with an apologetic expression.

“Baby. You know none of that was true, right?” I whispered, encouraging him to meet my eyes and the way that he nodded was as if he were simply brushing off my concern, rather than actually absorbing my reassurances. “She’s hurting and she lashed out. It doesn’t make it okay and it definitely doesn’t make her right. Don’t let her get in your head.” I insisted, already terrified that she had only intensified his guilt and his face revealed how much her words had hurt him.

“I’ve got some things to wrap up here and then I’ll get you back to Medical.” He answered flatly as if he were simply reciting a well practiced line and I sighed in disappointment, hating that he was pushing me away.

“It’s alright. I’m gonna find Lincoln and see if I can get him to go with me.” I suggested, already keen to make sure that his injury was treated and Bellamy nodded in agreement. “Come and see me when you’re done. Please.” I instructed, flashing him a supportive smile and his only response was a slight hum as he strode away from me, leaving me with an empty feeling in my stomach.

Grabbing a clean piece of fabric from nearby, I made my way outside and tried to push aside my anxiety as I focused on searching for Lincoln.

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summernightskyy · 4 years ago

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My Top The 100 Men

So, @nomattertheoceans tagged me to post about my Top 5 The 100 Women, and while I was doing that, I got curious about who her Top 5 The 100 Men are (I’m almost positive I know at least one person who would be on her list, and I think he might even be number 1 haha). So I decided to do my own and then tag her in this! This was very hard, but in a different way from the women for me. I knew who my number one was, no doubt. But #2-5? I love every character on this list a lot, so really almost everyone else is tied for second place hehe.

1. Bellamy Blake

Oh Bellamy. My journey with him has been a long one. I started out the series nearly hating him, but then as we got to see the motivation behind his actions, I started to not only understand the character, but love him. Now, he’s one of my favorite characters across all media - potentially even my absolute favorite male character of all time. He’s an extremely nuanced character, and I love getting to see different sides of him. I love getting to see a lead male character express emotion the way he does (and not just anger); I love seeing a male lead get to cry, and not be portrayed as weak I think we need that more on TV and in movies. I grieve for the childhood both of the Blake siblings had, and I’m so proud of them (is it weird to say I’m proud of a fictional character?) for turning out the way they have. Bellamy, who was burdened with so much at such a young age, who probably never thought he would get to have a life outside of Aurora and Octavia, for fear of Octavia getting discovered. Octavia, who knew nobody outside of her brother and mother for what, like 15 years? Who probably thought she’d never get to have a life of her own either? (Ugh, I get so annoyed when I start thinking a little too much about Aurora and the decisions she made. She doomed both her children. I don’t know how she thought either of them, especially Octavia, would ever have normal fulfilling lives. If Octavia hadn’t been sent to the ground, they wouldn’t have.) Yeah, they’ve both lost their way at times, but I LOVE the Blakes (especially the eldest one haha). Season 7 has been pretty good so far, but I somehow became even more aware of just how much Bellamy (and B.ob, because he’s an amazing actor and portrays Bellamy so well B.ob antis DNI!!!! Regardless of what anyone thinks about him as a person, I think he’s a great actor) brings to the show for me with his extremely limited presence so far this season. I really enjoyed 7x11, even if it ended up with my boy being brainwashed. I stood by him even after he wrongfully and stupidly participated in the grounder army massacre, and I’m sure as heck gonna stand by him now too. @clarkegriffinlovebot said they would watch Bellamy Blake watch paint dry for 45 minutes, and I totally agree. (Is it weird that I’m tagging you? I don’t know you and I’ve never interacted with you past liking that post, but I wanted to give you credit haha) The show is just so much better for me when this adorable mythology and history nerd is in it.

2. Nathan Miller

Onto number 2! I chose Miller because although we *unfortunately* haven’t seen much of him or delve into his character that much, I’ve loved all the little bits we’ve gotten to see. He’s just so sassy and snarky, and I love it, in addition to him being loyal (sometimes to a fault) and trustworthy (lmao, that’s funny considering he’s a thief - but I don’t know, in my eyes he’s trustworthy when it counts 😂). I love him, and him hating all the planets they’ve been to is so, so relatable. I would be just entirely done and tired as well. I also really enjoy Millamy and Millarke as brotps (although I don’t think I’d mind if Millamy was a romantic ship haha). There’s quite a few things I would change about this show, but two of the things highest on that list would be 1) making Jarod Joseph part of the main cast so we could properly explore Miller as a character and give him his own full story line(s) and 2) making Miller x Monty canon, even if it was just for a little bit! Marper was cute, and Mackson is alright, but I think these two would have been cuter, and I’m so salty the show didn’t go down that route, especially since both Jarod and Christoper Larkin seemed to be on board.

Also, I really need to learn how to make my own gifs, because I was really hoping to find one with Miller saying “In other words, get the flock out of here!” I actually died during that moment. Maybe someone did make one, but if they did, I didn’t see it. That’s fine, though. I needed motivation to start trying anyways, because its something I’ve always wanted to do.

3. Gabriel Santiago

Everyone else on this list has been on the show since season 1, and I definitely didn’t expect to love a character who was introduced in the penultimate season as much as I love Gabriel. At the end of season 6, I was really hoping they’d keep Gabriel around, so I was super happy to hear they were going to, and I haven’t been disappointed. I love how he literally seems to thirst for knowledge. (I clearly have a thing for attractive, nerdy guys, okay?) I also find it incredibly brave that he pushed so hard for the Primes to stop what they were doing, because he had to know that all of them, including the love of his life, would turn on him. It was obvious that Ryker wasn’t fully okay with what was happening either, but he didn’t do what Gabriel did and fully renounce the practice. He clearly has a pretty strong moral compass, even if he was lead astray from it for awhile. I also really liked seeing him bond with Echo, Hope and Orlando. He’s smart, hot as hell, subtly funny, and not afraid to do what’s right even if that’s gonna end up making the people he cares about mad at him.

4. Monty Green

Monty has been one of my favorites from the jump, and I miss him so much. He’s just so adorable and kind, and literally one of the best people on this show. He suffered through and lost so much, and I wish we could have had more focus on him dealing with those traumas. I hate that we never really got to see how he dealt with what happened at Mount Weather. The focus tends to be mostly on Clarke and Bellamy, but even then mostly Clarke. I think it’s easy to forget that while, yes, they pulled the lever, Monty made pulling that lever possible so he could save his friends. We also don’t really get to see much about him dealing with the trauma of having to kill his own mother, and even Jasper’s suicide was relatively swept under the rug. I mentioned earlier that there’s quite a few things I would change about this show, and when it comes to Monty, I wish we could have seen him process these events and heal. I also think credit for saving the day tends to go to Bellamy, Clarke, Octavia and Raven - but Monty has been instrumental in many instances. Those five, in my opinion make up the core five characters of the show, and honestly, the show hasn’t been the same without Monty. I love Jordan, he’s adorable and genuinely good just like his dad (and mom) but Monty’s part of the soul of the show to me. Also, how cute is it that Monty taught Jordan Korean?!? (I really think Jordan might be onto something about Cadogan and the Disciples interpreting the text incorrectly - so look at that, Monty might indirectly save the day again)

Also, shout out to @thelovelylights for making this gif - it’s one of my favorite moments of Monty, I’ve been following her for a long time, and her blog is amazing.

5. John Murphy

Honestly, I didn’t realize just how much I’d come to like and care about Murphy as a character until this season. I’ve been sooo stressed out watching every single episode he’s been in, worrying that he would end up dying. I’m a sucker for well depicted character growth / redemption arcs, (I mean lol, there’s a reason that some of my favorite characters include Bellamy Blake, Zuko, and Jaime Lannister), and Murphy’s had a great one. He was such a dick in season 1 who, unlike Bellamy - who clearly cared about Octavia at least, really seemed not to care about anyone but himself. It’s been so amazing to see him grow into the person he is now; a person who cares so much about the lives of random people, who was genuinely scared when he realized Madi was in danger, who reassured to her that she was safe and helped calm her down. I really hope the theories about a Memori baby end up becoming canon, because Memori has grown sooo much over the course of this series and they would be absolutely amazing parents.

Honorable mention: Lincoln Kom Trikru

Lincoln was just such a great character. I miss him so much 😭

Tagging @nomattertheoceans and anyone else who sees this and wants to do this!!

#the 100 spoilers #the 100 #top 5 the 100 men #bellamy blake #nathan miller #gabriel santiago #monty green #john murphy #lincoln kom trikru #also just have to mention how large my crush on chuku modu is #being bi is great lol #i'm official bellamy blake trash

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osleyakomwonkru · 5 years ago

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The Octavia Blake Guide to Surviving Lockdown (and What Comes Next)

So it’s been six weeks in isolation. I think? Time has long since become irrelevant. The world is stressed. I’m stressed. Not so much about the coronavirus itself, but everything else surrounding the situation. The isolation. The uncertainty. Society losing its shit. What the world will look like when it is all over, because everything will change whether we want it to or not.

You know, all that fun stuff our favourite characters on The 100 deal with each episode.

Which brings me to this post. What Would Octavia Blake Do?

I mean, she’s got the experience. Sixteen years of isolation in a single room, followed by a year of isolation in another room, then about six months on the ground, followed by six years locked under the ground... she knows better than anyone how to survive these sorts of trying times.

So here we have it - famous Octavia quotes and how to apply them to our current situation. Mostly serious, part irreverent, all of it a homage to the fact that stories matter and can help us figure out how to deal with this messy thing called life.

“A warrior doesn’t worry about what she can’t control.”

This is a mantra I repeat to myself many times a day. Sometimes I believe it. It’s hard. But it really is the only way to keep yourself sane these days. The world has turned upside down, but you can’t control it. You can only control yourself.

I can’t control that 75% of my income earning potential vanished overnight. I can control how I budget the remaining 25%, credit cards and looking into new income streams.

I can’t control that I’m stuck in a country I was supposed to leave this week for however long this continues to go on. I can try and learn to love it again, because we’re going to be spending more time together.

So what else can I do to keep myself healthy and sane? Let’s look at what Octavia does.

Train. One of the first things I started doing as soon as the lockdown started in mid-March was set up an exercise plan. Now, I don’t typically “exercise” in my normal life. I just walk everywhere I need to go and call that good enough. But now that I’m not really doing that, I have to find a way to do so indoors. I started out with three half-hour Zumba sessions per day, and now I’ve worked my way into more specific and targeted workout sessions. YouTube is a godsend. Every type of exercise you could think of, in any time length you want, you can find there. I’m doing abs, arms, more squats than I’ve ever done in my life, kickboxing, etc.

Read. See all those books on your shelves collecting dust? Yeah, read them now. I haven’t been following this advice as much as I should, but I’m making an effort to get better. I have so many unread books and I really should read them. If you’re one of those strange people who don’t have unread books, embrace the opportunities that sites like Project Gutenberg provide and read all the classics online for free. Octavia loves the classics.

Eat healthy. I hadn’t eaten at home for six months before this all started, so I had to refill my pantry and remember how to cook. Keeping your body healthy is important. Get your fruits and vegetables. Also ensure a protein source. Don’t go full on prepper, don’t hoard, but if shit hits the fan and you want to avoid the Dark Year happening in real life, make sure you have a few jars of peanut butter and/or a few packs of beef jerky stashed away for a rainy day. Your neighbours will thank you.

“Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim.” (Get knocked down, get back up)

At the beginning of this year, no one could have predicted what the state of the world is right now. People made plans. People started putting their plans into action.

Enter coronavirus.

Everything changes.

I actually had a plan for this year. I was going to leave here this week, go back to Canada for six months, then move to Spain. Well... I don’t know what’s going to happen now. And because of the uncertainty, I can’t know. This has made me so mad, because for the first time in years I had a strategy for the changes I wanted to make in my life, and now they’d all been shot to sunshine.

Some days you have to just scream. (Or cry and spend the day eating quesadillas in a blanket fort. True story.) But then after that happens, you have to brush yourself off, get up again and keep going.

Ge smak daun, gyon op nodotaim.

I’m not making any plans further than today. I know that’s an exercise in futility right now. All I can do is focus on what I can control (see above point) and continue to focus on that and what I can do for myself until there are things that I can do in the world again.

Moral of the story: Yes, there are going to be shitty days. You’ve probably already had a bunch of them. But you have to pick yourself up again and keep going when they’re over. You might feel like you want to give up. Heaven knows Octavia’s felt like that a lot of times. But she still kept going. If she stubbornly fought through a cliff dive with a stab wound and a quicksand pool of Orbeez, we can handle some uncertainty and delayed life plans.

“The sword doesn’t care what you meant, it just cuts.”

Time to step onto a soapbox for a bit.

Some world leaders and governments have done admirably with dealing with this crisis. Some have done okay. Some have done so fucking awful at their jobs and continue to spout nonsense from their podiums that it is going to cause real people to die. (Not naming any names, but I’m sure you know what I mean.)

Octavia is the only character on this show who understands that when you’re in a tough situation, what your intentions are doesn’t matter, it is only the results that do. This is applicable to our situation today in a twofold manner.

Point One: We can only control our own actions. That means being a responsible citizen, following public health guidelines. Stay home. If you have to go out, practice social distancing and any other recommendations set out by your public health authority. You might say you’re young and healthy, you’re not concerned about if you get the virus, but it is not about you. You could be asymptomatic and not know it. You might not mean to get someone else sick - someone who is more vulnerable - but it could still happen if you don’t behave responsibly. So take ownership of your actions and do what you can to minimize the spread.

Which brings us to Point Two: You can’t control other’s actions, but you can hold them accountable for them. Which in this situation mostly means your country’s leaders. Do not forget how they responded to this crisis. Remember. Remember when it is time to vote. Did they do a good job or did they do a bad job? How many people lived or died because of what they said? Did they follow the advice of medical experts? And so on. This isn’t a time for party politics, this is a time for “can we rely on this leader to do what’s right for the people of this country when we’re in a crisis?” If the answer is no, vote for somebody else.

The same applies to non-governmental leaders - leaders of business and charities and everything else that you can think of. Remember who stepped up and helped people when and how they needed it. Remember who didn’t. Remember who actively made lives worse. Budget your money accordingly.

“Kom folau oso na gyon op.” (From the ashes we will rise)

This will pass.

When, we don’t know. How, we don’t know. But all we can do is work on ourselves and make ourselves as strong as we can for whatever the future brings us.

Some people are optimists, believing that this will usher in a new world where more people understand the challenges that others have always faced with things like mental health or physical disabilities and issues of accessibility and so on. Where more people will be aware of the dangers of climate change. Where people who are now coming together online and building hope and change will continue to do so in person when we can leave our homes and meet up with others again.

Some people are pessimists, believing the world will collapse and we’ll enter into a post-apocalyptic scenario like The 100 or any of the other dozens of post-apocalyptic media offerings out there. Where it’ll be every person for themselves and panic and destruction will reign supreme.

You don’t have to speculate on the different scenarios. That’s not helpful right now. All you can do is work on yourself and make yourself ready for whatever the future will throw at us, and do your part in making a positive one.

This could be the point of lockdown where you’re starting to move out of the panic phase of ensuring survival, and are able to move into higher-level brain function again. If you’re not, that’s okay, it could still take some time. If you’re struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are people out there who can help. Just remember that this is a process, a process of so many different emotions, sometimes on a loop, sometimes all at once in a flurry of chaos, and that’s okay.

Take care of yourself. Survive. Find a new normal.

Octavia’s journey in season six was about shedding the pain and trauma of her old life, and finding a new one to believe in. Until she did that, she didn’t have to worry about the greater plot nonsense that was going on. That’s our journey now too. The world is changing. How, we don’t know yet. But take this time to make yourself strong for whatever is to come, because whichever scenario wins out, a strong you will always be beneficial.

Ste yuj. (Stay strong.) Because humanity is resilient. And from the ashes, we will rise.

#the 100 #coronavirus #covid-19 #octavia blake #kali talks real world shit #fandom matters #stories help you relate to the world and make sense of it #that's why stories exist

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justalittlebluetiefling · 4 years ago

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Requested by anon! hi if your still doing prompts would love to see either your fave au or something you’ve always wanted an excuse to write! (congrats for the magic number!)

“It’s almost time for patrol.”

Bellamy bumps Clarke’s shoe with his toes as he says it, earning him a glare. Instead of responding, she rolls her eyes and turns her attention back to her drawing.

They met on the road a long fucking time ago and he never expected to like her, but it happened. First as a person. Then as Clarke. Somehow, she went from annoying to his partner and he still isn’t sure how it happened. But now, he trusts her more than anyone. Even more than Octavia. And that… that confuses him sometimes.

Because. Yeah. Maybe he likes her. Loves her. Whatever. It doesn’t matter how many times Roan winks when he assigns them to the same patrol, the same shift, it doesn’t change the fact that Clarke won’t ever see him as more than her best friend.

Bellamy holds in a sigh and bumps her foot again. “Come on.”

Clarke kicks him back this time. “We’ve got a half hour.”

“What are you drawing, anyway?”

Bellamy reaches down to grab her notebook and she swats at his hand. “That would be telling. Just give me ten more minutes.”

“Ten more minutes,” Bellamy says, bumping her foot again. “You always ask for ten more minutes and it turns into twenty and next thing you know, it’s night shift for two weeks. I need my beauty sleep, Clarke.”

She grumbles something under her breath, but she does close the notebook. She shoves it into her backpack and follows him out the door.

It’s still weird not to lock the door behind them. Then again, it’s weird that they found a fully-functioning town in the middle of Wyoming. With electricity. And, with the infected, locking a door seems a little futile. No one steals here. They work together to survive.

And Bellamy and Clarke work together better than anyone else here.

The surrounding area has been clear for weeks. Bellamy really can separate his feelings for Clarke from the mission. He doesn’t stare longingly at her when she’s not looking. Not on the other side of the fence. It’s just… she tells him a joke and it’s funny. She has a beautiful laugh. That’s what he’s thinking about when they run into the roaming pack of infected. Her laugh.

Maybe he got a little cocky.

They lose both of the horses. They both almost die. It’s too close. At this point, he’s lost track of how many times she’s saved his life or he’s saved hers, but today, they save each other multiple times. It’s Clarke who spots the crates stacked up against the abandoned gas station that the use to get up to the roof and it’s Bellamy who shoots an infected in the head when it has Clarke pinned down on the ground.

Bellamy rushes to her side as soon as its clear. “Are you okay? Any bites?”

Clarke shakes her head, eyes still darting across their surroundings. “You?”

Without answering, Bellamy pulls out a rag and empties some water onto it, cleaning some of the gore off her neck. He knows she’s fine, she’d tell him if she weren’t, but he can’t bring himself to believe it until he sees for himself.

“Bellamy.” She puts her hand over his. “I’m fine. Are you?”

“None of them even got close, Clarke.” The words come out rougher than he expected and he abandons his task and pulls her into a hug before she can see the tears in his eyes. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

She sighs, digging her fingers into his back, pressing her nose into his shoulder the way that makes his heart feel like it’s about to pound out of his chest.

“I’m serious,” he mutters into her hair. “You shouldn’t risk your life for mine.”

Her elbow hooks around his neck now and she shakes her head. “Why shouldn’t I? You’d do the same for me.”

Bellamy pulls away then, swallowing hard. They can’t just stand here. As much as he wants to, it might not be safe. He cant bring himself to look at her as he fixes his pack.

“I’m serious, Bellamy.” She tugs on his arm and he tries to pull it out of her grasp, but she doesn’t let go. “Bellamy, look at me.”

“We can’t talk about this here.”

“Bellamy!”

“Clarke!” He spins around and pushes her hand off his arm. “We have to start moving if we want to get back to town before dark.”

“We’re going to talk about this later.”

“No, we’re not.”

He starts walking before she can say anything else. It’s only a moment before he hears her footsteps behind him and he knows she’s hanging back on purpose, but he wants the quiet right now. Roan puts them on patrols together to shut Bellamy up and he knows it. He’s less worried about Clarke’s safety if they’re together and he can see she’s safe right away. It doesn’t make it hurt any less to think that she might die right in front of him.

Being in love sucks.

They don’t run into any other infected on the way back. Roan sends them both to medical after their report, but neither of them are actually injured, even if Clarke looks like she walked out of an old horror movie right now.

Bellamy’s laying down in his bed after cleaning up when there’s a knock on the door. For a minute, he considers not answering it. But he knows that if he ignores it, she’ll let herself in.

Clarke is clean on the other side of the door in a fresh set of clothing. Her mouth is set in a hard line and she pushes past him before he can even say hello.

“I’m allowed to watch out for you,” she says as she sits at the table. “I don’t get why you’re so mad at me. I thought that was our arrangement. You watch my back, I’ll watch yours.”

Bellamy holds in a sigh and leans against the door. “That was Virginia.”

“That’s exactly how it is every time we’re on patrol and you know it.”

He shrugs.

“Why are you being so weird about this?”

"I don’t think it’s weird that I don’t want to watch you die.”

Clarke opens her mouth and closes it, tilting her head. “Do you… not want to go on patrol with me anymore?”

“That isn’t what I -”

“No, I get it. It’s fine.” She throws up a hand and stands. “I’ll get out of your hair. I’ll go tell Roan.”

“Clarke.”

“No. If you’re tired of working with me, you should have said something. I asked him to put us on patrols together, but he’ll stop if this is such a chore for you.”

She avoids looking at him as she reaches for the door handle. Bellamy knows she expects him to move, but he’s so surprised that he’s not sure he remembers how to. Until he gets an elbow in the side.

Instead of moving, he gently grasps her wrist and pulls her hand back. “I didn’t know you asked to be on patrols with me.”

Clarke shakes her head, staring at the doorknob. “It’s not a big deal. I just thought….”

He tugs on her wrist and she slowly meets his eyes. She pulls her hand away to wipe unshed tears away and Bellamy is sure he’s misreading this situation, but….

“I don’t feel safe with anyone else,” she says quietly. “I thought you felt the same.”

“I do.”

He’s afraid of what he’ll say if he keeps talking, so he pulls her into a hug. Her arms wrap around his waist like that’s what they were made to do and it’s the thing he’s always loved about moments like this. He smooths her hair when she starts to cry against his shoulder and it takes every ounce of his self-control not to give in and kiss her when her fingers twist in the fabric of his shirt, because he’s still absolutely sure he’s misreading this.

They stay like that for a long time before she pulls back. Not enough to break the hug. Before she can let go, Bellamy uses his knuckle to wipe the few remaining tears away from her eyes.

“This is really confusing, Bellamy.” He’s inclined to agree, because as she says it, she nuzzles into his hand.

“What’s so confusing?”

“I thought you were mad at me.”

He shakes his head. “I was mad at myself for letting that guy get near you in the first place.

"There were too many of them. We got lucky.”

He nods, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “I don’t want you to go out on patrol with anyone else, okay?”

Clarke smiles sadly. “Okay, good.”

“I just don’t….”

Bellamy trails off, because Clarke still hasn’t moved out of his space and she still hasn’t stopped staring into his eyes and everything he could say feels like too much or not enough. Before he can land on any course of action, she stands up on her tiptoes and kisses him. It’s a quick brush of her lips against his and then she takes a step back. Her cheeks are pink and Bellamy is sure his own must be, too, but all he can do is stare at her, wide-eyed.

“Sorry. I just… I wanted to do that once. I’m sorry.” She tucks her hair behind her ear again, even though it doesn’t need it. “That was… I should go. To bed.”

He kisses grabs her face with both hands and kisses her before she can get near the door again. When he pulls back, Clarke’s eyes are wide.

"I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” he says softly.

Clarke grins. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I’ve wanted to for a while.”

“Why didn’t you?” Bellamy can’t stop himself from smiling back at her when she shrugs. “Do you still have to leave?”

Clarke digs her fingers into the his shirt and shakes her head. “I’d rather not.”

#bellarke fanfiction #bellarke #2199 follower celebration #zombie apocalypse au #read more wasn't working on the original post so i'm putting this here instead!#erin writes #this is unedited so please tell me if i messed something up

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