#we had a fight yesterday because she expected me to like go into trauma or some shit and I (gasp) chose the department that sounded the best

[struggling-to-find-home]

My mother: You are a disgrace and made the wrong decision in going to eye surgery for your practicals🤬🤬🤬 what can you even do there🤬🤬🤬

Me, five hours into my second day of practicals, having helped admit 50 fucking patients and individually run a dressing changing (ft meds) station in which I had to individually chase down and administer medicine to like 20 patients: Why did I think this would be the easy department to be in

[wandafiction]

Realisations - Just Us Chapter 71

Warnings: Angst, Hurt, Talks Of Abusive Relationship, Talks of Trauma

Word Count: 4328

Series List | Chapter 70 | Chapter 72

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(Wanda PoV)

I look at my phone screen at the last message Y/n sent this morning, curled up on the bed as my own mind attacks itself as I think over the past 24 hours. I could hardly sleep last night, the bed felt so empty and I didn't have her warmth to keep me warm. It was cold, more so than normal. 

My eyes aimlessly wander around the bedroom, it's very plain and minimalist which is a little odd as a lot of the house is decorated. I also can't see any pictures of Sarah or Evie like I had expected to, especially in Y/n's bedroom. Then it hits me.

I sit up in bed and take a proper look around, I'm not in Y/n's room. I'm in a guest bedroom. That night me and the  boys stayed last week, me and her slept in this room. Why would we sleep in the guest bedroom? The answer lingers in the back of my mind but the dark thoughts of my wandering mind snuff it out quickly.

She has had so much going on this past month and a half, from her panic attacks to Vision and Steph, then how the news of her being a widow came out. My heart drops at a thought that has been lingering in the back of my mind since I found out about Sarah.

Is she ready for a committed relationship? 

A committed relationship where there are two teenage boys involved? 

She's told me she loves me and them, but what about what I did yesterday. What if what I did causes her to tip over the edge and she pulls away. What if she comes back today to break up with me? It wasn't just a petty fight. I said things that I can't possibly take back even if I tried my hardest too. I hurt her so deeply she wouldn't even let me hold her when we got home. 

I don't know what changed. She was so snuggly when we were in the aquarium after we talked, we were both ready to finally be completely open with one another. Me more than I ever have in my entire life. I want to be able to give her what she wants, I want to be the person she sees me as and not who I've always known myself to be.

I can't lose her. 

But, if she needs space and time to be able to sort her mental health out. Do something for her own sake, instead of putting everyone else first. If she needs help finding the light at the end of what I can only imagine is a very dark tunnel. If she needs my help everyday, but cannot allow herself to be helped. If she wants me to take a step back, stop being so overbearing and clingy. 

Then I will give her all the space and time she needs. I will show her how badly she can treat herself by showing her that she deserves to be number 1 for once. I will carry the flashlight and help guide her through it. I will be there to support her even when she pushes me away. Then I can take a step back, allow her to get back on her feet. I can slow down, enjoy the moments I have with her and take great care of what life has given me. 

My two beautiful boys.

And her. 

But I broke her and I don't know if she will want me anymore. God my mind was all over the place yesterday, well the whole week. Why couldn't I have just talked to her, broken my resolve of having to push my feelings away. She wants to know what I'm feeling, she wants to help me fight through whatever I go through. Yet I just can't seem to let her break down the walls that I have spent so long building, no one but Pietro knew how and he is laying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires everywhere. 

She called me Wanda yesterday. It broke me, but it broke me more knowing that I was the cause of my own hurt. 

Pietro would have called me out on my shit my by, telling me everything I needed to hear and not what I wanted to be told. He never minced his words telling me straight to my face with no fear of hurting me, because in the end he was always right. I unlock my phone, taking one last look at mine and Y/n's last message where we said 'I love you'. I go into my contacts and call the only person I know that can help. 

Nat: Hey sis! Why aren't you at work? Are you sick? 

Me: Uh, no I'm not sick. 

I think she can hear the tremble in my voice as I try not to cry.

Nat: What happened?

Me: We had a fight.

Nat: Is she home with you now?

Me: No, she left last night. She said she has to do something. I don't know where she is.

Nat: She left you after you had a fight! Like left you to sleep in the bed alone and went home?

Me: It's okay Nat I…..

Nat: No it's not okay. She left you after you had a fight, without resolving the issue. She left you alone Wanda. I'm not standing for it.

Me: Nat it's my fault.

Nat: I don't care who's fault it was, you don't leave the person you love after a fight.

Me: Nat stop! She….I…it was all my fault and I won't be surprised if she doesn't come back.

Nat: Don't say that Wanda. She will come back to you. What happened?

Me: A lot. Too much to say over the phone.

Nat: Where are you?

Me: At Y/n's house. Why? 

Nat: I will be there as soon as I can.

Me: Nat I can't ask you to leave work.

Nat: You're not asking and it isn't up for debate. Send me the address and I will be there.

Me: Okay. I really screwed up Nat. 

My voice barely above a whisper but I know Nat heard it because she lets out a small breath before speaking.

Nat: We all screw up Wanda.

Me: I don't know how to fix it.

Nat: We will figure it out together. Now send me the address I will see you soon. 

Me: See you soon. Love you sis. 

Nat: I love you too sis.

As we hang up, I choke out a sob. I don't want her to pity me and take my side like she did on the phone. She may be my best friend, more like a sister, but I can't have her pitying me. I need her to call me out on my shit, tell me what I should do. 

Then there's Y/n who I am worrying about, she hasn't texted me since this morning and it's scaring me. I don't know if she's safe, I don't know that she is okay, I don't even know where she is. However, I can't bombarded her with calls and messages because that's wrong, and she needs the space.

I can't lose her.

What if I'm too late and she is already gone?

I shake the thoughts out of my mind, but they remain lingering at the back like a slow torment. A storm is brewing in the deepest parts of my mind and I don't know how to protect myself from it.

To stop myself from falling into the rabbit hole of what ifs I pull myself out of bed. The same bed I had woken up in this morning alone, before taking the boys to school. The same bed that just doesn't feel safe and comforting without her next to me.

I shuffle along the carpeted floor to the small wardrobe in the room hoping there is something of Y/n's in there. To my relief there is a hoodie of hers in there, the only reason I know it's hers is because it smells like her. I don't wait another minute before putting it on, pulling the strings in the hood tightly so it tightens against my face. I put my sweatpants on then I put some fuzzy socks on. I bury my hands in the big open pocket at the front of the hoodie before making my way downstairs.

I start to make myself a cup of tea, not really fancying anything with high levels of caffeine in it. As the kettle starts to boil the water, I am pulled away from my tea making preparations by the doorbell. I look at the time on my phone, only 30 minutes has passed since the phone call with Nat. Wow she must have rushed here.

I make my way out of the kitchen to the front door, looking through the peephole to make sure it is actually Natasha. I sigh as I lean my forehead against the door, she looks worried. And take a deep breath before opening the door giving her a small smile.

"Hey." I pull the door open further, sliding out of the way to allow Nat in. Once the door closes she pulls me into a hug, leaning up to whisper in my ear.

"You're okay." I know it was her trying to be reassuring and it really didn't help, I buried my head into her neck as I shake my head.

"No, no I'm not. Neither is she. I fucked up Nat. So fucking badly. I don't know how to fix it." 

"Let's make a drink and we can talk." I nod into her neck, letting go of my hold on her smiling when her hands move to wipe my tears. 

"The kettles should be done. What are you drinking?" I usher Nat to follow me into the kitchen, her eyes bulging when she sees how big it is.

"I will take a tea please." She spins a full circle on her heels to take the whole room in. "It's a beautiful place you've got yourself here."

"Uhm, it's not ours. We aren't living together. This is her place. Her and Sarah's place." 

"Well that's something." I hum not really hearing Nat's words but once they register I hand her her now made tea with a questioning look.

"I just mean, you must mean a lot to her if she trusts you enough to show you this place. It's a constant reminder of the life she had planned, yet she has let you in. Let you see it for what it is. It's intimate really, with it being so personal and special to her."

"I sleep in the guest bedroom." Nat raises an eyebrow at me, I'm not quite sure what look she is giving me is.

"What did you sleep in the guest bedroom last night?"

"And last week." 

"Did she sleep with you though? Last week I mean." 

"Yeah." 

"Well I would do the same." 

"Do the same? What do you mean?" I lean against the counter opposite Nat who is sitting at one of the island's many chairs. 

"So I've said that she trusts you enough to show her into their home. Correct?" 

"Yes." 

"But she won't let you sleep in the master bedroom. Correct?" 

"Also yes. Nat what are you trying to get at?"

"She's not ready." 

"Not ready for what?" 

"Come know Wanda. I can't tell you all the answers, this is something you need to figure out. I'm just here to push you in the right direction." She takes a sip of her drink before sighing and looking up with sad eyes. 

"She has let you into her home. Her and Sarah's home. Meaning at one point or the other her and Sarah lived here. Planned to have a family here together." 

"Yes I know that."

"Wanda your being stupid. Really think about it. Who would have slept in the master bedroom." My heart drops through my ass.

"Her and Sarah." My voice barely a whisper. This is not why I asked Nat to come over, but I'm starting to see some things about me that I'm not liking.

"Exactly. Her and Sarah. Her and her wife. She isn't ready to have someone else in that bed. Let alone someone who I think she feels is replacing Sarah."

"I don't want to replace Sarah. I could never be Sarah." 

"Have you told her that?"

"I've told her she can talk about Sarah and Evie whenever she wants, that I'm always there for her." 

"Wanda you're not getting it." 

"Well you are not making any sense!" I slam my hand against the counter, frustrated more at myself for not being able to see what's right in front of me.

"Have you told her that you know you could never replace Sarah? That you don't want to replace Sarah! Have you asked her how she feels about you being in their home?" 

"No." I look down into my cup and my half drunk tea as I bite at my lip. 

"Wanda I know that you struggle with feelings. I know you struggle to have those big conversations. I know you struggle with what to say sometimes not wanting to hurt yourself, or anyone else in the process. But Y/n is different. She has been through so much in such a short amount of time. Her life went from one hell to another and another over and over again." 

I bite my lip trying to get the tears to stop falling as I listen to Nat. 

"She may not admit it Wanda, and maybe you just don't want to see it. But she is so much more broken then any of you would like to admit to the other. It's not just about the panic attacks, the PTSD or the dead wife Wanda. It's about everything that happened before, during and after that. She may say she is fine, but Wanda, she is struggling so much." 

"How could I not see it?"

"Because she didn't want you to, and you wanted to avoid having to talk. Really talk. You have both gone through your fair share of trauma, her more so than you but it does not invalidate that you went through shit to. Your shit has affected you in ways that cause you to build wall after wall that get harder to break down each time. Your trauma Wanda, is something that is holding you back from who you want to be when you're with her." 

"I don't want us to end."

"Then don't let it. She doesn't want it to end either I'm sure of it. You both have very different ways of dealing with things. But you need to put everything on the table, you need to make the first move. You may trust each other but until you both talk about how you move forward. Well then there is no safety net around you, trust without safety is like bungee jumping with a bit of string and hoping that it doesn't snap. You have to be ready to sacrifice a few of your walls, allow her to knock them down for you to be mentally in the right place to be in a relationship."

"You don't think I'm ready for something new? Nat we have been together nearly two months, we have said we love you to one another."

"Did you mean it when you said it? Or was it an in the moment thing that you let slip?" 

"Of course I mean it. I mean it every time I say it. I want her to know how much I love her everyday." I don't hesitate to argue back.

"Good because if she loves you the way I think she does, it would break her to know you don't mean your words. Saying that, if your love matches hers then you will be able to get through this. Together. You need each other to help you through. You need to look after each while also looking after yourself. Have you been to therapy recently?" 

"No, not for a few months."

"Well that's where you need to start. You need to speak to someone who is impartial to the situation, help them untangle the mess of wires in your brain that have been tangled for so long. You can't rely on just one person to do that for you. Y/n isn't a trained professional, she struggles to get her own brain to switch off let alone switch it off long enough to help switch yours off." 

"She always seemed so at ease and she talks to me so easily. I don't know why I can't do the same."

"She wears a mask Wanda, her smiles are fake, her laughter is not filled with joy as it should be." I bow my head realising now just how much I don't see. "But when she is with you it is all genuine. Wanda you are good for her just as she is good for you. Fight for her, but don't push her."

"Why can't I just open up. Talk to her. It would have made everything so much easier on the both of us."

"Wanda, she may wear a mask, hide how she is feeling. But you have built so many walls in the years of being with Vision that I think you don't even know how to start breaking them down yourself. That's why you need to go back to therapy, you need to be able to regain control of your mind before you commit yourself to helping Y/n. And she needs to do the same. And as for speaking with Y/n, start with small things. It doesn't have to be anything big. Her aim and my aim, our priority is making sure you are comfortable with who you are in your own skin. So start with the small things. Talk about how Vision always got you to do things you didn't want to do using the 'your my wife' card. Or how you are scared of bees yet they fascinate you so much you grow flowers just to see them pollinate." 

"Start with the small things?" 

"Exactly."

"How am I meant to start with the small things when we have so much to talk about today?" 

"Wanda, what did you actually say to her yesterday?" I stay quiet, shaking my head, fiddling with my rings. "Wanda."

"Yeah?"

"What exactly did you say to Y/n that caused her to spend the night elsewhere?" 

"I said she didn't know what it was like to be a mother." 

"Wanda." My stomach drops when I hear and see the disappointment on Nat's face.

"I know okay. It was a disgusting thing to say. And I can't take it back because I've said it now."

"Why did you say it?" Nat's tone is scarily calm, it's making me uncomfortable.

"I don't know."

"Well you must have some sort of idea otherwise you wouldn't have said it." 

"I said I don't know, okay! I have no fucking clue! I have never even thought those words would ever leave my lips, I have never even thought about them. So I don't know why I would!" 

"Well I don't know how to help you with this one if you want even admit it to yourself."

"Admit what?"

"I don't know because you won't tell me."

"Because I don't know myself Natasha! It's all so fucked up in here that I can't possibly think for long enough to try and get to the bottom of it."

"Well you need to figure it out because the excuse 'I don't know' doesn't fly with me and I'm pretty sure it won't fly with Y/n either. She has been nothing but kind, caring and welcoming to you and those boys, and you have practically chucked it in her face. You forgot about her past Wanda. It may have been for a split second, but you forgot and you said those words. I don't know how you will fix this if you can't admit to yourself why you said it. It's unforgivable Wanda."

"I know that. She hasn't forgiven me, in fact I don't want her to forgive me. I don't forgive me." 

"You don't want her to forgive you. Or is that you don't want to have to open up so it's easier to let her hold this against you then letting her break down your walls." 

"I…"

"Let me guess. I don't know." 

"Look, it's difficult for me, okay! Vision was never there. My parents moved away as soon as me and Pietro started our lives at university. Pietro is currently in a fucking coma, and Vision wasn't there for me! He never was! He never cared for me, he never looked after me when I was sick, never took me on dates! He never loved me the way I loved him, I was just a housewife in his eyes! So I stopped caring too! I built up my walls then reinforced them because I had no one! No one! Then I get into this new thing with the most amazingly talented and funny girl I've ever met and he thinks he has a say in my life! He told me he would take the boys away from me if I stayed in such a sinful relationship, he threatened not only me and Y/n. He threatened his own sons! He told me he would take me to court to get them taken away from me, pleading the fact that having two women bring up boys is not right and is not stable for them because they will grow up to be feminine! I...he...he planted the seed." 

I finally come to the realisation. 

I take in a sharp breath taking a step back as I crumble to the cold tiled floor, sliding myself down the counter. I pull my knees to my chest as I breakdown in front of Nat, my sobs echoing around the room as I try to control them to no avail. I hear the stool screech against the floor before seeing Nat join me on the floor as she wraps her arms around my body pulling me against her chest. 

"I've got you. You're okay Wanda, I have you." I grip onto her shirt, my knuckles turning white with the force. "That's what you have to explain to her, okay."

"Hmm?"

"Tell her what you just told me. She will understand Wanda, I know you're scared of allowing yourself to open up. But your relationship will burn to the ground if you're not open and honest with her about these things. So tell her what you just told me, okay?" 

"Okay." I mumble into her shirt as I try to slow down my breathing. 

"Now I'm mad at you for hurting her, I'm mad at her for leaving you last night but I think we both understand why. But I am livid at Vision, he is still causing you harm even after two years apart. You need to find a way to regain control of your life, don't let his words play on your mind for so long. You need to break down those walls you've built but build a protective barrier to protect yourself from Vision. He is a manipulative fucker who, if he steps out of line one more time, is going to have to deal with an angry Russian." 

"I need to talk to Y/n."

"You do. Where is she right now?" I shrug. "You don't know?"

"No. She still hasn't texted me. I'm worried Nat, what if something happened." 

"I'm sure she is fine Wanda."

"How can you know?"

"Because I have seen how much she loves you and love like that you don't let go. She will always find her way back to you."

"Thank you Nat."

"What for?"

"Being the voice of reason and actually calling me out for my shit. No one has done it since Pietro, so I always just shrugged it off and pretended like it didn't exist." 

"I will always call you out on your shit for however long you need me to. I am friends with both you and Y/n, you are a sister to me Wanda. I don't want either of you to get hurt, so if it means having a go at you or her then I will do so happily. Just don't bombarded her when she comes in, I think it's a tough day for her."

"What do you mean?" 

"Uh, nothing." She tries to brush it off by standing up and preparing to make a new set of drinks, but I'm quick to my feet as I look at her.

"No Nat, what do you know that I don't?" She huffs out a breath and bows her head.

"Do you remember the first time me and the girls met Y/n?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you remember me saying I recognised her from somewhere?" 

"Yeah she suggested that it was where she would visit Stark Tower but you said it was something else."

"Well I know where I've seen her before."

"Where?"

"It was an article back in 2017. It was titled. Sarah Stark marries a mystery woman. And there was a paparazzi photo of a brunette in a wedding dress leaving a venue with her arm wrapped through Y/n's arm." 

"Okay, why is that important?" I ask, highly confused about where this is going.

"Because the date of the wedding was the 18th of October 2017."

"What's the date today?" My bottom lip quivering when, not wanting to believe I hurt her at the worst possible I could have ever possibly done.

"It's the 18th."

"It's their anniversary?"

================================

[missnobodymadness]

Evelyn Thorburn Playlist

Because they say you can tell a lot about a character by their playlist, so, why not, right? :'D There is a possibility that I will add more songs in the future but for now I think she has a very solid playlist already.

"I've been losing myself in anger, so much broken by the rage, nothing could take my mind off how to make them pay, killing myself for nothing and the pain won't go away"

Her theme song. I really wanted a song from my favorite band to be her theme and I decided to go with Tell Me Why as I feel like it describes very well her arc about the truth behind her parents death, when she starts to wonder if she is on the right side of the story. "Tell me, why am I still here when it's all gone, I'm living with the ghosts of yesterday" this part of the song also reminds me of how she felt after the death of her parents and how that trauma stayed with her until her last breath.

"I wouldn't hold my breath if I was you 'cause I'll forget but I'll never forgive you, don't you know, don't you know? True friends stab you in the front" (...) "You can run, but you can't hide, time won't help you 'cause karma has no deadline"

The song that I imagine as the soundtrack for her scenes during the Return To Shiganshina arc, especially the moment when she literally goes feral after Reiner; real friends really stab you in the front. eheh A good day to be the armored titan, guess armors really can save your life, huh? :'D

"Now there's only one thing I can do, fight until the end like I promised to, wishing there was something left to lose, this could be the day I die for you"

I picked this song for the moment of her death, she died to save Reiner from the War Hammer titan (the irony eheh), only if she'd known that their dead friends would come to save the day before making such decision...just a bad and impulsive choice once again, she died by it, she died being herself.

"When she was just a girl she expected the world but it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth, life goes on, it gets so heavy, the wheel breaks the butterfly, every tear a waterfall, in the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes, in the night the stormy night away she'd fly, dream of para-para-paradise"

Decided to add this song to her playlist because this is the perfect description of her old self and the turn her life took, this song represents her wishes an dreams to go back to her origins, to live in a peaceful and better world. The world to where she goes when she dissociates to escape the pain and stress of her reality.

"There's so much I carry with me, it was always my safe haven and now nothing makes sense, I've lost my best friend and if it's not too much, I ask for signs, there's only one word left, saudade, saudade, nothing more that I can say, says it in a better way" (Translated to english)

First, this is a portuguese song and the word "saudade" is unique to our language, there is no exact translation for it, but if I had to describe it, I'd describe it as a deep sorrow for someone you are missing. It is quite obvious why I picked this song and for which moment of her story it is destined...when she finds out about Sasha's death. Well, not exactly the moment when she gets the news but some time afterwards when it starts to actually sink in, the realization of losing someone is such a painful thing to go through... :(

"Fear is withering the soul at the point of no return, we must be the change we wish to see, I'll come into your world, see through your eyes, I'll try to understand, before we lose what we have, we just can't stop believing 'Cause we have to try, we can rise above their truth and their lies"

Yet another song from my favorite band because they have such relatable lyrics! This song is perfect for her first months in Marley, when she starts to slowly realize how messed up things were and eventually warms up to Reiner again out of empathy, deciding to give him a chance to make amends. Overall this is pretty much the soundtrack I picked for her desperate search for peace between Marley and Paradis.

"Well, you're my friend and can you see, many times we've been out drinking, many times we've shared our thoughts, but did you ever, ever notice, the kind of thoughts I got? Well, you know I have a love, a love for everyone I know, and you know I have a drive, to live, I won't let go, but can you see this opposition, comes rising up sometimes? That it's dreadful imposition, comes blacking in my mind, and then I see a darkness"

I picked this song mostly for her mental breakdown and how unstable she she has become over the years. This would also be a nice soundtrack to how she feels after turning her back on Paradis.

"Keep watching from your picket fence, you keep talking, but it makes no sense! You say we're not responsible, but we are, we are"

Picked this song to represent her feelings towards Paradis after finding out about the truth behind her parents death, that's all she could think about while her anger increased leading to the mental breakdown mentioned above, for her, it became very clear that both sides were at fault.

"Ah, and I don't hardly know her but I think I can love her, crimson and clover, ah, now when she comes walking over now I've been waiting to show her, crimson and clover, over and over"

This song wasn't on the original playlist I made for her but ended up adding it after getting so many vibes of Evelyn and Pieck that I ended up listening to it on repeat for weeks. So yeah, this is basically Evelyn's POV when she is around Pieck, a mix of feelings that she is trying to decode, attraction and a mist inside her head that she can't get rid of.

[spnexploration]

Brotherly Figures

Part 2

Series summary: (Early seasons) Sam and Dean save a 15 year old, newly orphaned teenager from vampires. Much to their chagrin, she ends up tagging along on hunts, giving them both a fresh chance at acting like a brotherly figure.

Series masterlist

Part 1 <- -> Part 3

Warnings: Canon-typical violence

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Ava (teen!OC)

Episode summary: Ava and the Winchesters deal with the vampires, but Ava struggles to deal with returning to her new life.

Word count: 1.3k

A/n: This fic hasn't had much love, but I already wrote a few more parts to it so I figured I may as well post them. Feedback is more than welcome!

“When I say jump, you jump,” Dean lectured. “Don't wait to ask how high and don't even bother with why, you just do exactly what Sam or I say, understand?”

I nodded.

“I'm gonna need a bit more than that, kid,” he grumbled.

“Ye-ESS,” I sassed at him. “I get it, do as I'm told.”

“You wanna show attitude, fine. But you do not do it during a hunt.”

I swallowed. “Ok,” I said quietly, looking at the floor.

“Good.”

We went over the plan. Sam had worked out the general vicinity of where my mother and the other vampire had gone, but couldn't pinpoint. The best plan to stop them hurting someone else was to draw them to me; to use me as bait. Sam had argued against the plan, but conceded that we didn't have a better one.

I was sitting down, fiddling with the knife they'd given me. Dean crouched down in front of me. “Are you sure you want to do this, kid?” he asked gently.

I found my voice. “I'm sure. I can't let them hurt anyone else.”

Dean stood up, then put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently. “Alright, let's go.”

---

It was a blur. Somehow, they'd found more vampires to team up with, so rather than the 2 we were expecting, there were 4. The Winchester boys had fought tooth and nail, but somehow in the melee my mother had still managed to sneak up to me and bite my neck again. Dean had quickly beheaded her with an upwards strike from in between our bodies, right in front of my face.

I shook violently. I'd lost my knife early on in the fight, unable to swing it hard enough or with enough conviction for it to be useful. I wrapped my arms around my body and felt the shock set in.

Sam pulled me into a hug. The vampires were all dead, and the 3 of us were covered in blood. I bawled against his shoulder.

“It's ok, it's over,” he said reassuringly. “You did great. It's over.”

I continued to shake. I could tell Sam was mouthing to Dean over my head.

“How about we get back to the car?” Sam asked. I slowly nodded. “Can you walk?” he asked. I nodded again. He turned me around and wrapped an arm over my shoulders, leading me back to the car.

Dean pulled out my bag of clothes at the car. He passed Sam a towel who gently cleaned up my face. They encouraged me to get changed, and turned around while I did so. Then I climbed in the backseat while they cleaned themselves up.

They eased themselves into the front seats and closed the doors. Dean turned around to me, “You ok, kid?”

“Yeah,” I said, somewhat shakily. “It was just a lot.”

He nodded. “You did good, and it's over now.” He turned back to the steering wheel and started the car. “Alright, next stop, hospital. Let's go over your cover story.”

“Wait, what?” I asked, confused.

“Telling them you are kidnapped by vampires is probably not going to go well,” Dean said, not turning around.

“You’re leaving me?” I asked, quietly.

“Sorry Ava, we have to move on to the next monster,” Sam said kindly, looking back at me. “I'll give you both of our phone numbers in case you ever need us.”

“Oh, ok.” I felt shattered, like yet another person was leaving me, even though I'd only just met the brothers yesterday. I suppose it was one of those trauma moments, that you want to stay with your rescuers because you feel safe. Even though with them I’d just nearly been killed by vampires, again.

---

The next few weeks sucked. I told the hospital my parents and I had been attacked by a bear, and I’d only just gotten away, but both of my parents had died. I didn't have any other relatives, so they put me in the foster system. I was assigned a group home, and bullied. Everyone at school acted like I was different; I didn't fit in any more.

And I couldn't stop thinking about monsters.

I couldn't look around me without thinking ‘are any of these people vampires? Are they something else?’ I was paranoid, looking over my shoulder constantly. I bought a small knife and kept it with me at all times, practising using it. Then the foster people found it and it was confiscated and I was punished.

I bought another one.

I had one thought. The only place I’d truly felt safe was in the back of that old black car, with the Winchester brothers.

I was going to find them.

---

I messaged Sam a bit, asking how things were and where they were. He was usually cagey about their exact location, but he would give general info. I googled, looking for likely cases they might be following.

One night, bingo. A case in a town only a 10-hour bus ride from here, and a message from Sam that almost perfectly confirmed they were there, if you knew what you were looking for.

I packed my bag. I pocketed my knife. And I got on that bus.

---

It wasn't hard to find the right motel, with Dean's unique car parked out front. It was night and I was wearing a black hoodie with the hood pulled up. I went over to the car and got out my length of wire to use to jimmy the lock open. Just my luck he'd actually closed the windows this time.

I had fed the wire down the window but not managed to unlock the door yet when I heard the click of a gun and Dean's voice, “You sure picked the wrong vehicle to jack.”

I turned to him.

“Ava?!” he asked once he could see my face. He lowered the gun. “What the hell are you doing here?”

I bit my lip, suddenly shy. But then I remembered what I wanted to be and I steeled myself. “I want to join you,” I said.

Dean looked at me incredulously. After a few seconds he sighed, “Come inside.” He led me to his and Sam’s motel room.

“Guess who I found trying to steal my car,” Dean deadpanned as he walked in.

“Ava?!” Sam exclaimed when he saw my face. “What are you doing here? Is something wrong?”

“I want to join you,” I said with a little more courage and conviction than I had managed outside.

“The answer is obviously no,” Dean said firmly.

“Ava,” Sam said more gently, “You have your whole life ahead of you. You don't want this.”

“Not to mention that this is dangerous and amateurs get killed,” Dean continued, arms crossed.

“I lost my normal life the instant those vampires took my family. I'm in a hell-hole foster home and I can't relax, I can't stop looking around me for every monster. Fighting them is the only thing I can think about. Besides, you must've been amateurs once too and someone taught you. You can teach me.”

“I ain't no babysitting teacher,” Dean growled. I stood my ground.

“We wouldn't wish this life on anyone,” Sam said. “You have choices, Ava, you have a future. You don't get that when you're a hunter.”

“I'm just going to keep finding you,” I said, arms crossed and glaring. “Or maybe I'll just set out on my own.”

Dean and Sam awkwardly shared a bed, so I could take the other one. I could see they were struggling to both fit, but I appreciated the effort. I slept better than I had in weeks, knowing the two hunters were near.

Dean groaned, rubbing his hand down his face. I could tell the only thing worse to him than an amateur he had to train was an amateur by themselves, getting killed. “Fine, you can stay the night. But we will continue this conversation in the morning,” he warned.

[swearyshera]

Alright, some of this is hitting me in a way that neither of us could have expected. I talked with you earlier about Entrapta's background story hitting me hard with some things I've been through... Okay, now you've got discussion between Catra and Glimmer about Angella's demise, which neither of them actually expected. Little aggravations at a loved one, little memories and deseprately wanting them back. Glimmer chooses to believe that it was a sacrifice on her mother's part in order to hold it together. *Sigh* - this is very personal. I just lost a loved one, a very close family member also best-friend, a person I had a unique geeky bond with and it's the kind of bond I'll never have again. He was the third member of my tiny little found family and we had him up for holidays and that's never happening again. We learned of his death yesterday and I've just been going through Hell. He was young and it was sudden - he had some health issues, but it was still unexpected. It wasn't a heroic sacrifice, but there are things I need to believe about it to hold myself together. I'm flashing back to Entrapta's seeing a tear in space-time to know what's on the other side. I remember what canon did and what you're looking forward to doing to a cruel fundamentalist version of a god while I'm flashing back to some of my old religious trauma hard right now - as in, I'm really, really hoping the fundies / evangelical circles I used to be a part of aren't right and have been outright Hordak-style *threatening* God to do the right thing by my loved one, possibly sealing my fate if there is a Hell and being glad of it. This portion of the script is coming at the "right?" time for me? Wrong time? I am hoping I can find some catharsis in it? Anyway, I do apologize for any reblogs I do in the near future in which I blubber all over your posts. I'm holding steady, but it's probably going to happen sooner or later. _freedfromthegalactichivemind

@freedfromthegalactichivemind Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would always say that looking after yourself is the most important thing, and if any of my posts do bring up stuff that makes it more difficult for you, please do take a break. I'm the worst person for "deal with stuff by totally immersing yourself in it", and that doesn't always work, so do take it slow and be kind to you. This goes for everyone, too.

There's a few things that I have taken to quite a raw level in these last two seasons and I've come out of the comfort of non-stop silliness in order to have a more meaningful impact on people. But I don't do it to hurt, these stories will ultimately become ones of comfort and power. I've expanded on Prime's zealotry to be a more bare-faced depiction of the anti-LGBT rhetoric that we're seeing worringly often in real life and how weathering it seems insurmountable - but he will be defeated by people who stand fast and remain true to who they are, people who will never ever let those like him win. I've also leaned in pretty hard to Catra's fragile mental health, not because having her talking about how she wants to kill herself is shocking and spices up the story, but because I want to have her reach that lowest point multiple times and still fight for a life that she wants to live. I've been there, as I'm sure many people reading this have - it's messy, but it is not the end.

So yeah, I make the choice to invoke difficult things that might hit some of you quite hard, but I do it with the love and intention to show that perseverance through adversity is one of the hardest, most rewarding things any of us can do. (Also, I know some of this can get quite personal, you're welcome to blubber at me through DMs if you prefer).

We're gonna win in the end.

[xb0rder-7inex]

I had such a good day with him yesterday that my fucking trauma is like "he might be love bombing youuu be carefulllll" because it genuinely felt like it did at the beginning of our relationship. We didn't talk about the trial at all, we were just present with each other. It's the first time in a year that I've seen him actually himself and I've been waiting a very, very long time to have that kind of a day with him again. Longer than we've had the no contact order. Since about five months into our relationship.

It's both fucking weird and really wonderful.

You know what. After learning I flipped on him when he wasn't even getting my requests I realize I self sabotage a lot still too. I'm going to stay somewhat neutral with him because I want him to be consistent in his efforts.

I'm also a lot stronger of a woman than I used to be and I hope that helps me too. And I hope that he sees that growth in me and knows it isn't going to be like it has been for me.

Idk what he's doing but I want to enjoy the good things and be prepared for the bad without expecting it to go that way. Just accepting it for what it is, accepting him for who he is.

I really believe the counselling will help him. Mine told me yesterday that he isn't a narcissist which is one of the things I was worried about but she said he doesn't present, just that he has a lot of learned traits and that he's very smart. He is the only person I know who fucking lies backwards to make himself look worse. She feels bad for him because he's been told his entire life that everyone hates him and now he feels like that's what he deserves.

I'm feeling optimistic right now. I don't want to let him onto how smitten I am even though I'm sure he already knows. I want him to chase me. Right now it looks like he's making a huge effort and he gave me so many green flags yesterday that I'm genuinely hoping he's going to properly try. I told him in an email what my standards and expectations are and how I want to feel and what I want us to look like and so far it seems like he's listening.

He also got me a playboy hoodie TWO WEEKS AGO and I was like we were fighting 2 weeks ago?? And he was like "doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you" and I just 🥺 that was really fkn cute. He always gets me presents 🩵

I miss being with him everyday. I just want to start a new life with him.

Time will tell.

[unusualcliches]

Here I am again trying to make sense of my grief with words so maybe it won't feel quite as heavy anymore.

I've been having a rough year. Most people I know have been having a rough year. The specters of death and illness and trauma are like this big stormy cloud above our heads that just won't let up. In the last month: a dear family lost their home and all their belongings to a fire, another friend lost her beloved mother, I had to grapple with the possibility my kid had TB and all that it entails, and now... Just now my cousin called to tell me just how serious my aunt's condition got and how unlikely it is that she'll ever come home from the hospital.

She's my favorite aunt, out of seven aunts and uncles on my mother's side. Actually, she's the only one that actually feels like family. We could talk about everything and anything for hours and it would never be enough. She's sensitive and kind and selfless to a fault. Just the other week she asked if she could come spend the night because she was scared and she had insomnia, and so we cuddled together until she fell asleep. I didn't know then, but she already had the infection that caused her to be hospitalized yesterday. This infection has gotten very serious, very fast. She's been fighting cancer since 2020, the doctors didn't expect her to be around this long, but she's a fighter, see? I've had a long time to come to terms with her leaving us but I am still not ready. I know no one ever really is.

Tomorrow I'm going to the hospital to see her and I'm hoping it won't be the last time. I hope she's still conscious enough to see me there. If there is one thing that brings me peace is that I have been there for her through this journey every time she needed me. In the early stages we'd mostly talk on the phone because of covid but as the time went by I got more and more involved. It is so weird but I miss taking her to her chemo session. Just so we could talk some more, and she could give me advice or tell me about her childhood or about the latest lecture she'd watched. Anything, really. I still feel like this isn't real. There's simply no way we're not having those conversations anymore.

I am so grateful for the time we spent together. I'm grateful for the discussions we had when we watched "Leave the World Behind". I am specially grateful for the months she stayed at my house this year because it gave us the opportunity to just casually hang out and watch her beloved korean shows and eat whatever she felt like eating. We'd just started watching "The Good Place", I really wish we had time to finish it...

I love her so much.

And I think she knows that.

[scarlettatg]

The Handmaids’s Tale

“I once had a garden. I can remember the smell of the turned earth, the plump shapes of bulbs held in the hands, fullness, the dry rustle of seeds through the fingers.”

This is a quote from the book used as a metaphor for taking care of a child. The quote hasn’t been used in the show but gardening has been used to portray that metaphor. During the first seasons we saw Serena taking care of her garden. It was at one point the only thing she could actually grow and take care of because she was unable to have children. It’s something she seemed to enjoy and be proud of.

I came across this quote yesterday on Twitter and it made me think (go down a rabbit hole 🤦🏻‍♀️) of June and her gardening in Season 5. I think that the image of June’s garden can be telling about her journey this season and how it can also contrast with Serena. Like I mentioned above Serena seemed to enjoy gardening but I didn’t get that same feeling from June.

For me June’s garden represents her trying to find her place in Canada, how she balances who she was and who she is, what’s expected of her and how she’s trying to fit into shoes that also don’t fit her anymore. Throughout the season she seemed to struggle to find her place and identity. In interviews it was said this was her trying to figure out if she was June or Offred but I think it’s about coexisting with these 2 versions of herself. Like she said in episode 410 she misses Offred’s strength, and like she realized in early seasons it wasn’t the time to play house like her mother told her. June has centered her purpose on getting Hannah but like Nick told her it’s impossible. She also wanted justice and revenge but realized this didn’t solve the bigger issues. By the end of this season the reality of that impossibility became real. The reality that Gilead was still within her also became real. I hope she realizes Gilead needs to be no more so she can be reunited with Hannah and that she figures out what’s the best journey for who she is now.

Episode 502 This is where we first see June taking care of the sprouted potted plants inside the house with an UV light. I believe this was something that perhaps was recommended she did in therapy (not that we saw that) but her reaction to hearing Moira and Rita mention she was gardening (she rolls her eyes) gave me that impression. The plants are still in their pots under a light so they can grow. Just like her journey in Canada, it’s beginning and it needs to be tended to. The plants haven’t attached their roots to the ground just like June who is still battling with herself.

Episode 504 We see her outside lost in thought playing with the dirt in what I think would eventually be the raised bed for the garden. When she goes inside the house Serena has sent her the invite for the Visitor Center. Once again Gilead is pulling. We still see that she has her moments of rage mixed with the desperation of getting Hannah. Rage that only seems to be controlled when she’s with Holly. Rage she wants to control to feel normal and accepted by the people around her. When she tries to express who she is she isn’t understood. I think it’s important to mention how in 501, 503 and 509 Tuello, Lily and Commander Vance acknowledge the good things she has done in her fight against Gilead and how her reaction show us how good she feels about those things instead of feeling inadequate.

Episode 508 She’s working on the garden looking up at the sky right before she gets the CD with images of Hannah. She had already gotten the New Bethlehem invite so she was battling with leaving or staying. It seemed to me her mind was pretty set on leaving but she seemed to be holding back because Luke wasn’t ok with her decision. She had also in a way let go of the rage she felt towards Serena, beginning to heal that part of her trauma and that need for revenge. The flowers and plants are thriving but there’s an empty unfinished area. Things seemed to be falling into place but Hannah is still gone. The plants are now growing roots but they’re still not in the ground. They’re contained in the raised bed just like she feels contained in Canada. Or how her roots can’t spread outside of this tiny box because she’s not sure of what she wants or because she still has to adapt and accept whatever is within the walls of that box. The plants will only grow as much as the raised bed allows them to grow, the same way that June’s growth in Canada won’t be complete because part of her is still in Gilead. Interesting too is that at the end of this episode after we know there’s a raid to get Hannah out, we see Hannah at the wife school also gardening looking up at the sky.

Episode 509 She destroys the garden in a fit of rage after Lawrence told her she wasn’t getting Hannah. After all possibilities (except going to NB) are gone. She also sees Nick and finds out he’s having a child in Gilead believing she’s also lost him too in a way. Her ties to Gilead seemed to have been broken and getting Hannah seemed more of an impossibility. Destroying the garden equals her destroying all the effort she put in caring for that garden and there for the efforts she was making to find herself. She was able to control her rage but not her will to fight for Hannah or her guilt or her love for someone else. She made an effort to be who others wanted her to be while still seeing pieces of her true self slip outside of her mask. When she tells Luke “let me go” it gave me the impression it had a deeper meaning since we see her pretty much convinced about going to NB with or without him - and because this season even though we have seen them trying to reconnect (and in a certain way they did) and we saw the love June had for him wasn’t the same love she had pre Gilead; it was Luke who needed to have June back in order to heal that part of himself.

Episode 510 At the start of the episode she’s kneeling by the dirt of what used to be the garden and it looks like a tomb. She seems to be mourning. Nothing is left not even the raised bed. By the end of the episode and the season she was forced to once again leave the place she tried to attach roots to and form a new sort of life. Just like the garden, that is completely gone. She’s no longer safe, Gilead wants to see her suffer and she’s once again at a risk of losing her other daughter. This time though, she didn’t wait for others to make the decision to leave, she got on the train, she thought about Nick. She made her own choices to protect herself and her daughter and considered what she knew was important to Nick.

[wanderingwomanwondering]

Strange New World’s Lost in Translation (2x06) had so much fabulous Uhura potential and the ep dropped the ball 👀

Uhura got shafted in this episode in terms of development. We didn’t learn much of anything about her that hadn’t already been covered in previous episodes. She spent most of the ep in wandering stunned silence. Why??? The romantic pairings got an inordinate amount of screentime compared to Uhura’s arc. Ugh!!! Kirk ended up being more of a focus than Uhura which makes no sense to me. The emotional catharsis of people avoiding Pelia - because she reminds them of Hemmer - was given to Una instead of Uhura which is weird because that character point was better established and clearer in Uhura’s interaction with Pelia than Una’s interaction with her. Uhura’s big line to Pike about “what’s the point of finding new life if we’re just going to kill it” was weak not because it’s not a valid point but because it’s…remedial! Once they knew they were dealing with sentient life, not killing it is really the bare fucking minimum and should need no speech. It should have just been a very loud “oh no. Let’s fix this. like. yesterday!!” and followed by truly roaring praise of Uhura for sifting through her past trauma to uncover the new life forms’ language. Why was Sam writing the paper about said new life? At the very least he should be co-authoring it with Uhura. Basically the last like 15 to 20 mins of the ep was more-so what i was expecting for the whole thing. Getting into the nitty gritty of Uhura figuring it out, fighting her demons, and helping the rest of the crew understand what was going on.

Anyway I could say more but I’m tired. I was expecting quality Uhura content from this ep but I didn’t get it. There was opportunity but SNW failed to optimize said opportunity and instead roped in literally every other character in ways that didn’t further Uhura’s character in any meaningful way at best and distracted from her character entirely at worst.

Almost like they were afraid that their version of Uhura “couldn’t carry the audience’s full attention”??? And/or run of the mill irl racism at work 😒 And based on the posts I’ve seen today tptb may be right about people not being willing to sit through a whole Uhura-centric ep because nobody on this hellsite seemed to even notice that Uhura was barely important to her own ep. I’m sad and frustrated to say the least. 😩

[hazelle-mapelle]

you never know what true torture is till you experience it, for me, i am about to dumb so much trauma and bullshit in this blog you wouldn't believe.

so, this morning, mom was hiding the fact my little brother had an incident on her and dad's bed from dad, once dad found out he went crazy, started cursing and threatening violence and so on, including cursing us, which is insulting because we had nothing to do with this, and just generally messed up because bro we're family, mom protested that it wasn't all her fault that my little brother always slept on the bed, he replied he'd told her numerous times to carry him off of the bed, she said he'd told her so many times and she had complied each time, which considering my little brother is growing heavier by the day, really hurt her back, but he'd never really done it himself, so he should help at least once dad scoffed and said "you want the MAN to carry the child and hold him? next thing you're going to start asking me to clean up their accidents" now some of you may be confused, and asking yourselves: "hazelle, isn't that basic parental duties 101 though? why did he make it sound like such a preposterous request" he's a religious man with toxic masculinity is the answer, also he's a horrible dad, so yeah. then, mom went out to hang out with her friends, and guess who was now trapped with their dad and siblings (two of which are extremely similar to him, mind you)....me. now, dad likes to say the holidays aren't actually meant for rest, so he has us memorize religious texts and study rules of language and all of that stuff for hours on end against our will, and usually he would leave our devices be so we can relax properly once we're finally done with the first study session of the day, but yesterday my brothers messed up or something, i haven't actually received details other than something about throwing rocks and picking fights with friends, so dad had confiscated their devices, and to "keep things fair", he took mine away as well, because collective punishment is just a favorite way of "discipline" for him (other than beating, cursing, and other unmentionables, which were also used copiously yesterday) thus, once i was done with study session one, and finished a chore assigned to me by mom before going out, i was expecting to get some rest at last, till study session two begun that is. so, since our devices had been confiscated, i frankly foolishly assumed simply asking dad for mine would be an easy quick affair he refused, i asked what i should do then and he told me not to ask stupid questions and to get out of his sight. ok, thanks i guess, i'll just re-read a book or daydream about my favorite ships then- of course not, what would life be without some suffering? you know how i mentioned dad would rather DIE than do chores and take care of us in fear of his manly manliness evaporating? yeah, as the oldest of five, guess who got all the work delegated to them? *sighs in utter pain* none other than this creature standing in front of you. then, finally, lunchtime came, i was planning to pray then join the rest of the family on the table, but dad suggested (ordered) i eat with them then pray. i complied till i realized the table was full and no chairs were left, i asked dad where i would sit and he told me, utterly mature adult fashion: "sit on my head, that's what, don't ask so many stupid questions, go find a chair or something, idiot." after checking and confirming there were indeed no chairs left anywhere around home, i announced i would pray and then come later when one of the chairs was available, dad told me not to cry if all the food was done when i cam then, because he wouldn't save me a single piece. i stayed silent, went to pray, and came back, as he said he hadn't bothered to save much for me,i was lucky that a few pieces of food were left, but of course, the juice we were drinking was finished, dad told me to make my own and clean all of the dishes once i was done.

[senseicowpoke]

October 18, 2023

TW: Suicide

As I sit here in front of my computer, I can't help but feel the weight of the anniversary that looms over me. It's been fourteen years since my best friend took her own life and the ache in my heart is still as raw as it was on that day. Being from a small town like ours, mental health was often swept under the rug, and anyone struggling with it was immediately labeled as "crazy." But I'm here to tell you that mental health is just as important as physical health and should be treated as such.

Our town may be small, but the effects of mental health issues are still prevalent. It isn't uncommon to hear whispers and rumors about someone that is struggling, and it's even harder for them to seek out help without fear of judgment or ostracization. As such, my best friend kept her struggles hidden, and we never knew the depth of her pain until it was too late. Mental health is not something that should be taken lightly. Just like how we go to a doctor for a physical ailment, we need to seek out professional help for our mental health as well. It's important to know that having a mental health issue does not make you weak or less of a person. It's a medical issue, and it needs to be treated with the same care and attention as any physical ailment.

It's been years since that fateful day, yet it still feels like yesterday. I remember finding her and feeling like everything around me was a blur. The image of her lifeless body is etched into my mind, and I can't seem to shake it off. Her death sent me spiraling down a road of pain and grief that I wish no one ever had to go through.

But life has a funny way of throwing curveballs at you. It seems like every time I think I'm starting to heal, something else happens. The Grim Reaper has come knocking at my door one too many times, and it's starting to feel like I'm cursed. I've lost friends and relatives, and the pain never truly goes away.

It's hard to explain to people who haven't been through it, but being the one who finds a loved one's body is a trauma that never goes away. It's a memory that replays in my mind every time I close my eyes. And yet, it's something that I've had to deal with more than once. Since my friend's passing, I've lost other friends and family members, each one a tragedy in its own right. But it's my nana's death that hit me the hardest. She was one of my biggest supporters in the world and losing her felt like losing a part of myself.

My Nana was my rock through it all - the one person who never judged me or made me feel like I had to be strong all the time. There's something that she told me, "You can't expect a broken clock to still tell time. It's okay to not be okay." And she was right. Time doesn't always heal all wounds. Sometimes, we just have to learn to live with the pain. It's been a few years since she passed, and I'd like to say that time heals all wounds, but that's just not true. The pain doesn't go away, it just becomes more bearable. There are still days when I pick up the phone to call her, forgetting for a moment that she's gone. And it hurts all over again when I remember.

One of the hardest parts of dealing with all of this is trying to talk about it. People always mean well when they ask about my friend's suicide or the other deaths I've experienced, but I dread those conversations. I don't want to relive the pain, and I definitely don't want to be known as that person who's been through so much loss.

But through all of this loss, one thing has become abundantly clear to me: kindness is key. We never know what someone else is going through, and a little bit of kindness can go a long way. One of my old coworkers used to say, "You never know what day you'll need someone, so be nice to everyone." It's a sentiment that I try to live by, because it's true. We're all fighting battles that no one else can see, and a little bit of kindness goes a long way in making those battles a little easier to bear.

So, if you're still here, then thank you for reading. And if there's one thing that I hope that you take away from my ramblings today, it's this: be kind to everyone you meet. You never know what struggles they're facing or what demons they're fighting. And if you're one of the people who has lost someone, know that you're not alone. You'll may never fully heal from the pain, but you'll learn how to live with it. I wish I had the answers, but in the meantime, remember to be kind to yourself as well. You deserve it.

[hoodievixen]

I am so confused. You'd think grown adults would be able to control how they express there emotions. But honestly my coworker has anger issues.

Quite commonly she'll let out loud groan of frustration. Yesterday she threw a tantrum that reminded me of what I would do as a child when asked to do something I did not want to do, and I DID have anger issues as a child. But she was slaming drawers, and loudly slamming things into them. We work with historical documents (for the gov) and expect the treat things with respect. While what she was handling weren't directly these documents, and there is at least one other copy of it, I'd still think it wouldn't be tolerated to treat it as such.

Yet no one said anything. It is a very open space, and I am 90% our supervisors could hear this for going on. But no one said anything. Not even the guy sitting less than 15 feet away from what was going on, not even a glance to what was happening. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt 'cause I know he was wearing headphones, both being in. But still, it made it seem like it was normal, which slamming of the drawers have happened before, but not THAT dramatically.

What dose not help is that loud expressions of anger and frustration causes a trauma response in me. It's gotten so bad that I'm now scared of the coworker themself, like I get a flight of fight response when I see them. I have frozen on a few occasions. Not to mention I took most of last week off debating if I should quit, even though I only had three weeks left (now only about 2). The only thing that stopped me was that I had person stuff at my desk I'd need to get.

Now here I am today, not emotionally capable of going into work because I am scared.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Time Apart

CW: Trauma survivor, referenced noncon and assault, heavy internalized victim-blaming and self-loathing/anti-asexuality (Chris has serious issues from his conditioning around this)

(references events from this small series)

I think you should spend time apart, not with me.

When Chris picks up his phone, it's not at all the message from Laken he expected to see. Not the kind of thing they've ever sent before.

He has to read it two times, then three. The letters swim and shake along with a dull pounding inside his head, but no matter how he tries to make them into other words - tell himself he must have misunderstood, must be missing something - they come back together the same in the end.

I think you should spend time apart, not with me.

Each letter is as crisp and clean as a sterilized blade between each rib, one by one by one by one.

The words are a body blow. They're a hundred blows, beating him into a barely recognizable shattered shell of himself. It wasn't supposed to happen this way - it's been a bad few days, yeah, a bad week really, but until yesterday's fight it had never occurred to him that Laken might give up on him.

The fight was his fault, anyway.

He meant to apologize last night, but then Nova had come into his room, and he'd lost the rest of the night to lying next to Jake, trying to remember how to stop living inside his head again, how to stop being still.

He'd woke up this morning with his stomach doing butterfly flips inside him, nervous, but he'd really wanted to say he was sorry, for the fight, for all the weirdness lately. He'd wanted to apologize for being difficult.

Instead... he'd woken up to find a missed text from the night before, sent after he'd shoved Nova away but before he could stand to look at anything again.

I think you should spend time apart, not with me.

There it sits.

He hasn't unlocked his phone yet. Instead, he keeps tapping the button to light up the screen, looking at the message preview that has all he needs to see. Lets it go dark again. As if one of these times he'll click and it'll say something else.

But it doesn't,

It just says the same damn thing.

I think you should spend time apart.

Not with me.

He's still staring at it when another one comes in. He feels the soft pulse of his phone in his hand, and the screen lights on its own.

LAKEN - NOW Did you see my message? 

He thinks maybe Kauri had it easier when he was the age Chris is now. Back when Kauri carried on entire conversations in emoji form, letting the nuance and ambiguity take over, the recipient working through the meaning on their own. With this, each letter is merciless, each word is unmistakable. He can’t misunderstand it. 

Can he?

He opens the phone with shaking fingers, types back yes, presses send, and turns his phone off.

Then he throws it at the wall.

He’s grateful for the heavy plastic case that makes it bounce off and drop to the floor without breaking. There's a strip on the back, textured and a soft purple, gray, white, and black. He rubs his fingers over it sometimes in class to keep himself from rocking and being distracting.

Now he just... stares at it.

Laken bought that for him. They bought the shirt he's wearing right now-

He yanks it off his head before he can think, balls up the soft fabric and throws it as well. It just sort of drifts pointlessly to the floor, a single eyeball from the print of a band he likes staring back at him.

Laken has ranted before about people who break up by text message, and Chris has to breathe through a physical ache in his chest that tightens every muscle at how awful he must be that they're not doing this face to face. How awful, how used-up, how shredded apart, how fucking pretty he is.

After all, he and Laken have been together for more than a year, and he still held perfectly still for Nova to touch him before he remembered how to move. After all, he’s a grown man who still cried and fell apart when Jake was hurt. After all, after all, after all...

He scrambles across the floor for his phone again, turns it back on. Part of him hopes he’ll see a new text saying they take it back, they didn’t mean it. Or just asking him to apologize for what he’d said that night before, for how he’d thrown their confusion over his reaction to something back at them, echoing out the way Kauri fights sometimes, talking about himself the way he thinks everyone else might be thinking about him, so he says the insult first and no one else gets to surprise him with it.

But there’s nothing new.

He manages to open the texts again, barely, and breathes in gasps, nearly pants, as he types out, you don’t want me at your place?

Not right now.

Is it because of what I can’t do?

It takes them a minute to answer. Every single second ticks by with a slowness Chris hasn’t felt since his days in the cold white room, tied down to stillness, forced to endure every minute that passed in perfect silence or to the soundtrack of his own tears and pleading for it to stop.

When they do respond, it’s just, it’s because of what you won’t do.

His breath catches in his throat. The ache in his head starts to pound harder, and he has to close his eyes against a sharp stab behind them. 

What he won’t do.

They’ve never cared before. How-... how could they suddenly care now? The fight had only a little bit been about that, it’d really been about something else. About his nightmares, how he’s not sleeping, not seeing his friends, skipping therapy. It hadn’t even been about... that. About what Chris can do and what he can’t, in bed. 

But that was the thing - the fight had started when Chris had flinched back from Laken’s touch to his back, and snapped at them, and accused them of wanting too much, and...

And now this.

It’s like they knew about Nova. Knew that he could be good just fine - better than fine, Handler Petrus said he was one of the best he’d ever worked with once - he just... wouldn’t. Won’t. Doesn’t want to. Never wanted to. 

Can’t do it without tearing himself to pieces all over again. 

It was always a scream inside his mind, but should he have pushed it down and tried harder to be more like everyone else? Is he losing Laken because of it? Did Nova pick up on something Chris himself doesn’t know?

Should he have... tried?

Even if it hurt?

He drops the phone again, then kicks it viciously under his bed, listening to the scrape of it sliding across the floor, the thump as it hits the wall. He hears it vibrate again, but this time he doesn’t care what Laken has to say.

They’ve said enough.

He understands.

Part of him expected this eventually.

He leaves the room, doesn’t bother to pull on his compression shirt, even. He lets his skin prickle bare and exposed to the air. He accepts the discomfort, the uneasy feeling of being too seen, too felt. 

The house is quiet, this early. 

He makes himself toast with butter, wincing at the scrape of the knife against the crisp bread, the sound boring into his ears. But eventually it’s done, and he slumps into a chair at the kitchen table, willing himself to cry. Somehow, the tears just... don’t happen.

He can hear Jake snoring softly from the living room. He’d been up with Chris until nearly 4 am, then Chris was awake again at 6:30, looking at that text, looking over and over and over again. Two hours of sleep leave him weirdly euphoric alongside his despair. Like he’s floating in some nightmare place that isn’t awake and isn’t sleeping, either.

He’s probably slept nine hours in three days at this point. He keeps seeing Jake with a knife sticking out of him every time he closes his eyes. Jake, screaming as Antoni pushed cloth into his wound to stop up the bleeding. Jake with a bullet wound, sitting up against the wall, staring at him with wide eyes whispering, It’s okay, Tristan, I love you, it’s okay as he dies. 

He can’t sleep. He can’t leave for long. He can’t breathe. He can’t think.

Him being what he is, it’s the reason Jake is hurt. If he hadn’t been his brother, he wouldn’t have decided to run a house for Romantics, and he wouldn’t have ended up dealing with all the dangerous bits about them.

Jake said it himself, didn’t he? It’s a mistake, running a house for Romantics. Not his best idea. A mistake.

Chris is a mistake.

Him being weak, and cowardly... it’s hurting Jake, making his life harder.

He makes everyone’s life harder.

There’s a soft sound of footsteps behind him, and he turns to find Nova in the doorway, staring back. She’s in a sleeveless gray dress and has her long dark hair pulled back from her temples, spilling in a waterfall down her back. Her eyes are dark and fathomless, and she gives him a faint, slight smile.

She had smiled like that with one hand down his pants.

Chris turns around, too fast, his head spinning a little, and hunches over his toast. “Good... good, um, good morning,” He mumbles. 

She clears her throat. “Morning. Chris, about-... about last night...”

“Don’t, um, don’t-... don’t don’t don’t worry about it.” He takes a breath. He doesn’t want his toast any longer. 

“I’m sorry,” She says, simply. “I spoke to Sarita about it, and... and she said this happens with us, and I should apologize, but, um. So I am. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have-... I thought I was helping.”

“I... know you did.” His words are slowing down. Chris can’t hold on to his thoughts, they want to drift away somewhere else, somewhere safer. Somewhere darker. 

“When I was with-... with my Miss, she would always say, if you are sad the best way to fix it is to make your body forget that feeling, replace it with something else. And that was what we replaced my sadness with. So, you were sad and upset, and I thought I could fix it that way.” She pauses, flushing a little, looking down and to the side as she moves with effortless grace to get a glass and fill it with water, take a small sip. 

“Kauri used to... to do that,” Chris says after a pause, thinking about it. Kauri, who would show up in the small hours of the morning reeking of liquor and someone else’s cologne, or just didn’t show up at all. Kauri, who would laugh instead of crying, and laugh with someone’s arms around him, a guy whose name he didn’t know. 

Kauri, who ran and ran and ran and can do things and be things that Chris can’t.

Or... won’t.

What if he’s been hurting Laken this whole time and didn’t know it, because he was already hurt himself?

His foot starts to tap tap tap on the floor until he stops it. 

“Did he? Did it-... work for him?” Nova asks it with genuine curiosity, and her eyes are so pretty. He looks up at her, and then down again, pushing the plate of toast away from himself. 

“I don’t know,” Chris whispers. “I, I don’t know. He’s happy now, but...”

“Was he happy then?”

“No. But, but, but... maybe we aren’t supposed to be. At least... not with, with anyone... who isn’t like us.”

“Jake isn’t like us,” Nova points out. Her presence in the room feels heavy, like a weight pushing down on him. But what does it matter? He’s not with Laken anymore, anyway. If he wanted to, he could stand right up and kiss Nova right now, press her back into the counter, and learn what it’s like to be the one doing things and not just having them done to him.

But his body doesn’t stir at the thought. It never has.

“He is,” Chris answers. “A, a little bit. I’m, I’m, I’m sorry, too, Nova. Sorry that I-I can’t.”

“No, I know. You have a partner, and I shouldn’t have-”

“I don’t have... I, I, I I don’t have a partner anymore.” Chris stands up, leaving her there with his plate of untouched toast. The sky outside is bright as the sun rises, as if mocking the way he feels like a stormcloud inside. 

Nova watches him leave, and whispers to herself, “No partner?”

Chris goes outside, pulling a sweatshirt that hangs on the coatrack on over his head to protect his skin, curling up on the porch swing and watching cars pulling out of driveways as the neighborhood starts to head to work in ones and twos. 

He doesn’t cry.

He sits very, very still, and he is silent. 

Upstairs, under the bed, his phone vibrates, again and again, unnoticed.

Just go talk to Nat, Chris. That’s all I said. Just go see Nat and get a night or three away from the house. Being there all the time is overwhelming you. Are you even looking at these? Chris you can’t just ignore me every time I say something you don’t like Chris answer me ... ... Oh shit, Chris, my phone autocorrected earlier and I didn’t notice I meant “some time at Nat’s”, not apart Chris? Are you seeing my messages? Baby? Chris, please check your phone and answer me. Please.

-

@burtlederp @finder-of-rings @endless-whump @whumpfigure @astrobly @newandfiguringitout @doveotions @pretty-face-breaker @gonna-feel-that-tomorrow @boxboysandotherwhump @oops-its-whump @cubeswhump @whump-tr0pes @downriver914 @whumptywhumpdump @whumpiary @orchidscript @nonsensical-whump @outofangband @eatyourdamnpears

[supercorpkid]

You’re going to wish you were dead, instead.

Part 4 of T is for Trauma - The Series

Supercorp, Kara Danvers x Daughter!Reader, Lena Luthor x Daughter!Reader

Word count: 2370.

Warnings: kidnapping. Injuries. Next level angst.

Previously on the series – part 1, part 2, part 3

You open your eyes when someone kicks your stomach twice. You can’t control the vomit that comes right after, when your body finally understands that you’re up.

“Gross! Boss! The child threw up on my feet.” He walks away from you.

You want to appreciate that fact that you just did something to one of them, but everything hurts so much, like your skin is being peeled off of your body, that right now your only wish is that you could just die already so you don’t have to feel this unbearable pain anymore. Never in your worst nightmares, you’ve imagined you could feel so much pain you would wish you were dead instead.

“Stupid shit doesn’t die of over-exposure. It’s been hours! Maybe we should just shoot her, so she can bleed out to death.” One of them says and you pray they’re being serious.

“Please.” You plead. “End this.”

The boss kneels in front of you, with a creepy satisfied smile on his face. He looks behind him, to the other guys, and starts laughing like you just told the funniest joke in the world. His goons start laughing with him.

“I’m not going to end this. I wouldn’t want to stop all this fun you’re having!” He stands up, the same creepy smile still on his lips. “You know, you Kryptonians are funny. You act like Gods deciding everyone’s fate with some kind of morality no one even knows if you actually have. So, you’re ok with putting us through pain, but you can’t take any?”

“They are some weak Gods.” One of his henchmen says, and he looks back like he is telling him to shut up.

“Your world exploded for a reason. No kryptonian was supposed to survive. But then Supergirl and Superman came to Earth. Now, they are here dictating rules, expecting everyone to follow them. Who do they think they are? Those cockroaches.” He spits on the floor next to you, and you feel saliva hitting your face. “They’re not even supposed to exist, let alone procreate.”

“Then what are you waiting for?” You whimper, and he gives his maniac laughter again.

“I’ll do you a solid though, just because you’re just a little kid.” He raises a hand and quickly one of his goons puts a gun in his hand. He points at your leg. “I’ll make a little hole, to accelerate your dying process, ‘kay?” And he shoots your leg.

You scream as loud as you can, with all the strength still left in you. You thought you were already in so much pain because of the kryptonite, that this wouldn’t add up and you wouldn’t feel any more. You were wrong. The pain piled up on top of each other. So right now, the inside of your body is agonizing, your leg is burning and you’re bleeding out. Is this pain going to go on forever? It sure feels like it, because no matter how much you pray for it, you’re still not dead.

No, you’re not dead. You’re just lying there in your own vomit and blood, thinking about how much you want this nightmare to end, one way or another, when you hear gunshots. You close your eyes, thinking they’ve changed their minds and decided to shoot you multiple times to end your pain, but you don’t feel anything.

“Supergirl, I’ve been expecting you.” What? You open your eyes when you hear that. You can’t see her, the boss is in front of you with his body, but you get a glimpse of red and your heart beats faster. “As you can see, I have kryptonite and your daughter. Now, would you-”

“FUCK YOU!” She flies towards him with her closed fist, throwing him to the other side of the room. You can’t see him, but you know there’s no way he can recover fast from that. Kara kneels before you, and rips the chains with her hands, tossing the kryptonite to the other side of the room, like it doesn’t even affect her anymore. And if it does, it’s not as painful as seeing your situation.

You thought that once you were free of kryptonite, the pain would go away. It didn’t. Your body still feels like it is up in flames. Kara touches your face, you whimper. You can’t barely make up her face with your one functioning eye, but you see your pain reflected on her face.

She is still kneeling next to you, when she hears a noise coming from where she threw the guy. She blows her freeze breath, holding him back a little. Kara looks around, like she’s looking for something.

“I’ll be right back, my love. Ok? Momma is here.” She disappears right after, but comes back a few seconds later, hair blowing, and even though you didn’t see a thing, you know she just used her super speed.

“Mommy. I’m dying.” You whisper and Kara holds you up, carrying you in the most protective way she can.

“Shhh. You’re ok. Mommy is here. You’re ok.” Kara looks around again and you see aunt Alex going inside the room with the biggest gun you’ve ever seen. “He’s tied up in the corner.”

“J’onn and I got this. Take her to the DEO and put her under the sun light lamp, I’ll be there in a few.” Alex goes to the other side of the room, but you still can hear her. “Oh, you thought it was funny shooting my niece? I’ll show you funny!”

You don’t hear anything else. Kara is flying with you back to National City, and you look up to her. Hair flying in the wind, tears dropping from her eyes, she can’t take her eyes off you.

“I’m here. I’ve got you. You’re safe, baby.” She gives you the saddest smile you’ve ever seen.

“Mommy, I’m dying.” You repeat very slowly, because you don’t have any strength left to speak, and you know Kara can hear you either way. And you need her to know. She needs to know you’re probably not going to make it.

“No, you’re not. You’re ok. We’re going home, ok? We’re almost there. Mommy is here with you and your mom is waiting for you. You’re ok, baby.” Kara is crying so hard you barely make out what she’s saying.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I love you.”

“I love you, little one. I’m sorry. I love you. I love you. I’m sorry.” She keeps repeating that until you close your eyes. You can finally let go, you said everything. She knows you’re sorry, she knows you love her. So, you stop fighting the inevitable.

You thought you would die. You wished you had died. But you’re still here. You hear voices and you feel hands on your body. Someone’s touching your leg, it hurts like a bitch. Someone is squeezing your hand, it’s reassuring. Someone’s kissing your forehead over and over again, it’s calming.

You keep waking up and blacking out. But you don’t think they know this, because you can’t talk, can’t open your eyes, can’t move your body. All you can do is feel pain.

“Baby, my baby. I know you can do this. You can come back to us, please, please. I love you so much, babygirl. You’re my everything.”

“Mom, why isn’t she up yet? It’s been days! You said she would be awake by now.”

“Jamie, I-I don’t… She will wake up, honey. Just give her time, she needs to rest.”

“No. No, mom. She’s supposed to be up by now! Bring her back! Do something!”

“I’ve done everything I can, Jam. Come on, honey. Let’s go. Come.”

“Alex, there must be something else we can do.”

“Kara, you know how much I want her back too, I just- I’m sorry, it’s out of my hands now.”

“I wish I could switch places with her.”

“I know, Kar. I know. Go home, you’ve been in here for days. Go see Lena. Go be with your wife.”

You keep wishing you were dead. But you don’t die, and you also don’t come back to life. You’re half alive, and that’s not enough for anyone.

“Hey, little one.” You hear softly, and your heart beats fast. For the first time you feel you have enough strength to do something. You need to let her know you’re still alive. “I brought donuts, and your homework again.”

You try to ask for food, because you’re starving, but you can’t talk.

“I’ve been doing your homework for the past two weeks, and I have to say, I don’t know how you do this. It’s so much stuff, and you still find time to work on your inventions, and go to trainings…”

Yep, your life’s not as easy as it seems.

“Oooh, want to have a laugh? Your teacher sent me your physics homework yesterday and I obviously didn’t know anything, so I asked your mom for help and guess what? Apparently, Lena doesn’t know everything. It took her ten minutes to solve a problem. It was freaking hilarious.”

It sounds hilarious. You wish you were there.

“Hey. Was that a little laugh?” Kara asks and you try to smile again so she can see it. “I’ll tell Lena you laughed at her. Wait, no. I can’t do that, she’ll have hope.” She breathes heavily and your heart shrinks. “Shoot, I’m crying on your homework again. Your teacher will start wondering.”

You want to wake up so badly. You don’t know why your body doesn’t obey you. You’ve been in this bed under the sun for two weeks apparently. Is your body ever going to respond?

“Hold me.” You beg, trying to make your voice come out. It feels like you’re stuck in those nightmares where you feel like you’re screaming, but no one around hears anything. “Please.”

“Alex said we can take you home, with the lights and all. I’m scared, because I know that here, you’re being watched by doctors, but-” You feel her hand stroking your face gently. “I want you to be comfortable, and I want to lay in bed with you all day. So, should I? Should I take you home?”

YES. Please. Do it. Please. All you want is to go home.

“Yeah. I know. We shouldn’t move you too much. We don’t know what’s going on inside you, right? Besides-” You feel Kara’s warmth next to you. “I can lay in here with you, even though Alex tells me not to. We don’t have to tell her, right?” You feel Kara’s arms around and your eyes water immediately. “Baby, are you crying? Did I- Did I hurt you?” She moves away. “ALEX! ALEX! SHE’S CRYING. DO SOMETHING.”

There’s a weird taste on your mouth. Metallic and bitter. You need to get out of this bed, you need to go back to your life. And you feel it has to be now, or it will be never.

You open your eyes, slowly. It’s hard, it’s like they were glued together. It’s all blurry and undefined. You just see bright yellow, but it’s the first time you’re seeing some color in a while so you can’t complain about it.

“Baby! Kara, Alex! She’s awake!” You hear Lena’s voice and you see black and white mixed with the yellow. It’s probably her hair and face, but you can’t know for sure. There are no shapes, just colors. “Baby, baby, it’s ok. Mom is here.” Lena kisses your face and you feel hands on your body. There’s a very strong hand holding yours, and you know it’s Kara, because she is holding so hard it hurts. And you feel Alex’s hands touching your pulsing points.

“Hey, little one. Can you say something?” Kara asks and you open your mouth.

“My bones.” You whisper so slowly it’s pretty much inaudible; you’re sure only Kara can hear you, and only because of her super hearing.

“Oh, oh, sorry.” She stops squeezing your hand and kisses it, gently. “I forgot about the loss of powers.”

Wait, what?

“Ok, you two move away, please.” Now you see red, mixed with the yellow. “Hey kiddo, this is aunt Alex. Listen I have to do a few tests with you, ok? If you can hear me perfectly, blink once.” You blink once. “Perfect. You’re doing really well. Now, if you can see me perfectly, blink once.” You don’t blink. “Oh, ok. Is it blurry?” You blink once. “Ok, don’t worry, it will go back to normal with time. Now, I want you to move your left leg, just a little. Can you do that for me?” You do it.

She then makes you move every part of your body, and slowly but surely you do all that she asks. You hear Kara and Lena’s celebrations next to you and you smile proud of yourself.

“Hey kiddo, that was perfect! Next time you wake up, you will feel a lot better. I promise you.” You feel a squeeze in your hand, and you give her a little smile. “I don’t want you to get tired, so you can go back to sleep now, and we’ll work more later ok?”

“Wait.” You whisper and she puts her ear close to your mouth so she can hear you. “Lena.”

“She wants you.”

Lena takes Alex’ spot, holding your hand and putting her ear close to your face so she can hear you better.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no baby, you don’t have anything to feel sorry for. Everything is alright. Listen.” You feel Lena wiping the tears from your cheeks. “You were right. I’m sorry I made you feel like you’re not the most important thing in the world for me, because you are. You are. Stop-stop worrying about it. Just use everything you have to recover, ok?” You nod weakly. “I love you.”

“We love you.” You hear Kara’s voice and you breathe deep.

“Mommy.” Your voice comes out a little stronger, but it is still just a whisper.

“Mommy is here, little one. I’ve got you. We’ve got you.” Kara says and you close your eyes again. Your body might still ache, but your heart doesn’t ache anymore.

[i-love-hobbies]

Eda's reckless behaviour and overall mental health

Summary

Eda is a genius, but is very emotional when making decisions (not anger, but fear, stress ect.)

Her reckless behaviour and apple blood problem in my opinion are her ways of running from reality.

In season 1 she made a bit of progress on this issue. Then the finale happened. Then she made again progress and s2ep7 did a complete reset. And she is making progress now again.

Eda's intelligence

She's been a criminal for thirty years. She has been in the shady business for an extremely long time. Yes magic definitely helps but you also have to find a way to be on top of the game, so you can survive.

Remember Tibbles' shrinking potion. She can't really use a lot of magic if she is shrinked or poisoned and dead, can she? Not to talk about her enemies which you'd think would attack her now that she is magicless.

They haven't on screen, yet. The only ones that tried are Adegast and Tibbles and they both died without her using any magic (or close to nothing).

Now we know that she doesn't make plans a lot on screen. In s2ep3 especially she just let's Luz make the plan but that's because she is her mentor.

In s2ep6 Luz used sleeping needles which is wild magic so no, it's not knowledge coming from Hexside. Also the pickpocketing Luz mentioned.

Teachers don't do the tests instead of students.

She teaches her everything that isn't glyphs. I wouldn't be surprised if she has told stories to Luz about her best "outsmarting everyone in the room" moments.

Now we have seen some of her problem solving on screen. One of which was in ep.18 fight only using her channelled magic trough the staff (im not taking credit for noticing this, have no idea who did though) and used the bridge.

Also if she can telepathically talk to her staff. Owlbert saving Luz was probably her idea.

She had her impact on Raine's rebellion as well, without having magic or turning into a harpy.

"You are not our mom!"

"Wow, we actually helped people this time!"

"Bye, mommy Eda!"

In the back of her head she knows exactly what to do, everytime something happens.

Eda's mental health

Eda's curse and the nightmares it causes. The father incident. The fact that she probably thought Lilith was scared of her.

Lilith's hidden guilt and her taking her father's eye out don't mix well together. I wouldn't be surprised if they barely spoke even if they lived in a house together.

Her losing Raine.

Her faith in the emporer being broken.

She has seen a lot of death, that does impact people.

Season 1

At the beginning of the series she was making a lot of bad choices which don't aline with her experience.

The series starts with her getting caught by Warden Wrath. Instead of just sneaking, they were just walking comfortably in the corridors.

They are kids, one from another dimension, but her... She doesn't know better? And for a paper crown that she can replace by stealing from someone else.

Next episode we are introduced to her morning drink later on confirmed to be for adults only. And that drink didn't get a mention for the rest of the season. In that episode she is also not the most clear-headed. She didn't try to sneak, she didn't use potions. Didn't try to plan.

A list about her being impatient can go on and on.

So when does she think. When she realises it's dangerous (aka when it's right in her face). Literally in the first episode the moment she started doing stuff is when she got caught and spat on the warden's face.

In episode 2 she didn't do that because she didn't know if Luz was alive and had a hard time bottling her feelings. Like if Luz proved to him to be hard to keep tight up he could have killed her, the girl that came back for her and her son yesterday. And she proved to Eda that she is a little dangerous the previous episode with her fireworks.

Eda was rational again, after she was with both King and Luz.

As the series went on though she started to calm down a bit.

Firstly, the fact that she was so focused on fixing her card problem, after Tibbles scammed her, that she trew them away in another dimension.

I was wondering how she overcame it so quickly.

It also shows her knowledge of how to handle this type of problems which brings up a question. How did she learn it?

Secondly let's compare the first half of the season to the second.

1. Everything I already pointed out and was hiding the curse. The stuff that happened in ep.5. Her refusal to be parental in ep.7. Body swapped.

2. She gets scammed again (this time though, how do you expect that someone was digging their own grave). Didn't use a sleeping spell on the slitherbeast immediately instead was just standing there. Got caught by the fun police. Worsened King's stage fright.

In ep.15 because of her ignorance Luz and Amity almost die. Except that is not the full story. She had at this point a lot of faith in Luz and this was her friend's mind.

For Amity it's not that she hated her. Amity actually saved her in ep.12. It's because she wasn't that important for her to realise. "Omg Willow is at the very least extremely mad at her."

It's again a refusal to think, but for a stranger and not really on purpose. It was just a habit of hers.

Episode 18 and 19

At the beginning of the episode. Eda hid the curse, again.

When she learned that Lilith had kidnapped Luz. She didn't try to make a plan. She just revealed herself in all her glory while her magic was disappearing.

Shot the staff in a wall while she was having no idea, what that was supposed to accomplish.

Luz showed up and she finally started thinking.

Afterwards Lilith said we all know what and for the first time Eda's anger was the leader of her choices and Luz almost fell on to the spikes.

So then, for the very least a night, she was stuck in her mind with something, that was chasing her. She woke up to Emporer Baby the B*tch, who was telling her, he was about to go after Luz.

And no she didn't believe in Lilith, but was so overwhelmed. It was insane. So she begged. After some more running, she woke up to Luz in the Comformatoriam.

Next, she was about to get petrified and for awhile this was the calmest things have been since she got caught. Then Lilith shows up (ah yes she existed).

King jumped "She was trying to help!". Wait King was there.

Petrification beam go.

PURE PAIN!

Then she got the idea for all of them to fly away. Lilith shared the curse making the confusion even bigger. Then her magic is gone (that was a thing). She learned that the portal is destroyed. Now she was living with Lilith and might have starved to death with everyone else in the house.

After all of this she not only tried but HAD TO pretend that she was mentally stable, so they could survive this mess.

Season 2A

In episode 1 she told Luz not to go after big bounties and then tried to steal from a coven's ship.

At this point her emotions are the only thing that made decisions while they were also getting hidden. Don't get me wrong she did help and should, especially Luz but it's ALL feelings. She didn't think about consequences, which sometimes are good.

She didn't attack Lilith cause it's just not the time, she's scared from her own anger. Plus she can't really stand being with the roller coaster of emotions, that came with being in one room with her.

This didn't mean she didn't work with her and hadn't listened to the backstory, though.

The episode ends with her and everyone else not being close to dieing. Finally!

So now what? She tried to think about Lilith? Yeah, she probably preferred not to.

Then her glyph almost kills King, but Lilith showed up and helped. This is probably a familiarity she missed. So again she decided not to process it, but it definitely sticks.

She also didn't notice Luz being hurt.

Next episode, we saw Eda taking a shower which means she has healthy coping mechanisms, at least one, self-care and is not yet a workaholic.

Luz's apple blood joke is concerning.

After the events of episode 3. Luz probably told her that Lilith stayed with her and King, instead of just leaving them, get killed by Jean-Luc.

Then Eda still isn't certain where she stands about everything and Lilith just left, with her final act being, giving King mental issues.

Throughout this whole thing her mom was there with her cures/annual accidental attempt to kill her favourite daughter.

In this episode, Eda fell for apple blood signs. Rationality is out of the window.

In ep.6 she decided to help, with students getting palisman. Again not thinking about all the trauma, but finally doing something against her first instinct.

In ep.7 she heard King's "Le-" and refused to fully process, where the heck is he gonna go.

She also punched someone, cause this is gonna work?

Now she has reconnected with Raine having no idea should she even think of a romantic relationship again? And decided to be useful at least for something since she "can't raise kids".

She was helping and being very good at it, but it came from fear of loneliness.

Then she heard that Belos has a plan and just is overwhelmed. What if the kids get hurt, is she powerless?

Oh, look! Raine might be dead!

Next episode she overworked herself.

In between ep.8 and 9 she was trying to scare the beast into transforming. (She is losing her sanity. Literally the previous episode told her not to do that.)

In episode 9 again it's all emotional. She wants to feel better and be stronger, so she told King to blast her (almost blasting Amity), hit fool's blood even though Amity said the lake is further ahead.

Luckily she showed progress too.

She ate voles, which was against how she was feeling.

In ep.10 she was scared of letting Luz in the portal. I'm not saying she wouldn't have before, but I don't think it was easy.

Right now, after s2ep10, I think she isn't the most mentally stable. But she is definitely working on it.

[astro-rain]

delicate; b. barnes

chapter five - “fight or flight”

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.7k

synopsis: bucky and (Y/N) have their first official therapy session.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N]: this story is available my wattpad as an OC @/ typicaldaze :))

She stood in front of her bed, ringing out her hands. Her gaze trailed off to nowhere specific, feet planted firmly on the floor of her room, body rigid and straight. She was nervous. This was no foreign feeling, but unpleasant all the same. Today was the first ever therapy session with Bucky.

She hadn't realized how strange it felt until she really thought about her position here. She never worked as an official therapist. She studied neuroscience and psychology, and the relationship between neurobiology and behavior. Don't get her wrong, she knew psychology, she knew trauma and how it interacted with the brain. In fact, sometimes her knowledge seemed like the only thing she could rely on, a consistent comfort and constant truth to keep her feet on the ground.

She shook the thought with a shake of her head, cracked her knuckles, and went for the door. She would have to get used to the Wakandan royal-guest living quarters. It looked like a five star hotel. No, a six star hotel; there is no such thing as a six star hotel, but Wakanda made it happen. That's what Y/N thought, anyway.

Briefly, she wondered what Bucky thought of it. Was he staying in the same area? He could be across the lake for all she knew. The castle was huge and had extensions everywhere. She wondered if he felt lonely here. She wondered if he felt scared, or relaxed, or if he didn't care at all. She thought this was all a little intimidating. She was wary of getting lost as she followed the directions Shuri gave her yesterday.

Her hands found themselves fidgeting again as she continued walking. Before, she was standing by, assisting Shuri and Bucky when needed. Now, she was going to be sitting in a room alone with Bucky. One on one. This would be more personal. (Y/N) was again intimidated. Not by Bucky, but by the nature of their relationship. She just wanted to do well. She just wanted to do right by him.

-

Alone in a room, tips of fingers tapped restlessly on the arm of a chair. Simultaneously, while walking down the hall, tips of fingers tapped nervously on the side of a thigh.

(Y/N) stood up as a Wakandan royal-aid escorted Bucky into the room. Immediately, she noticed his eyes scanning over the room, undoubtedly and probably unconsciously surveying for exits, possible threats, etc.

A brain that never rests, she thought.

The two of them thanked the aid and bid him farewell before standing in an awkward silence.

"It's nice to see you again, Bucky. I trust you're doing well," (Y/N) cut the tension.

The eloquent politeness was a weird taste on her tongue. She put up with it.

Bucky offered a smile. "Yes, thank you."

It took her a second to realize they were still both standing.

"Oh! Please sit. We can get started."

There were two couches across from each other. One a deep green, the other a pale blue. They were a nice contrast again the walls, which were clad in beautiful Wakandan designs of various shades of orange, yellow, and red. Except for one. On the far end of the room was a huge glass window, taking up the entire span of the wall. There were two end tables on each couch, and a small desk in the one corner with a warm golden lamp. The room was calm and welcoming.

"So, today isn't gonna be huge," (Y/N) started. "It is our first session, so we'll just talk, ya know, settle in."

Bucky nodded.

"So, how have you been? Adjusting well? Hating it? Absolutely no opinion?"

There was then a slight lightheartedness in her professionalism. It helped to put him at ease.

Bucky looked at his hands. "I'm doing alright. This place still needs a little gettin' used to, but that's expected."

"That's good to hear." She smiled slightly. "Wakanda is... a lot for an outsider. I don't think it matters if you're from another century or not."

Bucky chuckled.

"To be honest, I don't even know what therapy really is. They didn't have much of it in the forties."

"Well, it can be pretty hard sometimes, so here's a fair warning. Especially seeing the stuff you went through, just be prepared for difficulty."

As soon as she mentioned this, his demeanor changed.

"Yeah," he rubbed the back of his neck. "I guess difficulty is to be expected... with me."

That last part was so quiet she almost didn't hear it.

"Hey," (Y/N) said softly, "difficult is fine. It just means a little extra work.

Bucky looked up at her.

His eyes are very blue.

"A little extra work," he repeated, thoughtfully. "I think can do that."

"Do you get escorted everywhere like you did earlier?"

"Pretty much, yeah. Security measure, I guess," Bucky shrugged.

"I can understand that. You don't look scary though."

He then looked very confused.

"Th...thank you?"

"I'm just saying-I feel like it would probably be fine to let you walk here by yourself. It's only a problem when you hear the trigger words, right?"

"I think so, but I can't be sure. Neither can they. It's best to just keep everyone safe."

"Safe from..."

"Me."

"Well, you look perfectly gentle to me. I think it's the Winter Soldier they want to keep at bay."

That threw him for a loop. Gentle. Never in Bucky's life has he been described as gentle. At least... he didn't think so. He wasn't overly trusting of his memory.

"Kinda the same thing, don't ya think?"

"No."

Simple and head first into the point. Bucky once looked confused at her sureness.

"No?"

"No. You and the Winter Soldier are separate. It's not like you decided to go down that road. You weren't given a choice."

"Yeah, I guess."

She didn't seem the least bit convinced of his answer, but she decided to leave it alone.

(Y/N) uncrossed and re-crossed her legs, changing the subject and the mood.

"So, tell me about Steve!"

"Steve?"

"Yeah, I mean he rebelled against like a hundred countries to help you. I assumed you guys were close."

"Well," he started, leaning back in his seat, "he's my oldest friend, and my only friend now, I suppose. Stubborn ass, isn't he?"

"Maybe," (Y/N) smiled. "Sometimes stubborn is good, though. I can admire that. He isn't easily pushed around, that I can tell."

Bucky nearly snorted. "You should've seen him back when we were kids. Pushed around was part of his daily routine."

She almost giggled. "Oh, man. Poor Steve. He was lucky to have you, I take it?"

"We were lucky to have each other. But an argument can be made in Steve's favor 'cause he always made me look good. Not even because he was small or whatever, but because he was always puttin' me in situations where I'd act like a hero. Ya know, savin' his ass in the back of an alley or somethin'."

He seemed to get more comfortable as he talked about things that made him happy. Familiarity and goodness opened him up like a blooming flower. (Y/N) wasn't sure how to describe the sight, but the word that came to mind was golden.

"Sounds like you guys had a lot of fun."

"Yeah..." Bucky trailed off with a smile, thoughts tinted by memories of the past. Memories of an easier time.

"Oh, I've been meaning to ask. What did you think of all the exams we did with Shuri? How was it for you?"

"There's so much... stuff, and I have no idea what any of it is or does. I mean, it's been fine so far, but I can't help feeling constantly... confused. And unaware."

"Is that uncomfortable? Being unaware?"

"Well it's not a pleasure, that's for sure," Bucky said with a slight chuckle, rubbing the back of his neck.

He seemed nervous.

"Does this place make you nervous, Bucky?"

"Nervous? I don't know if I'd say nervous, but it is a lot to take in."

"That is true. Is that why you looked around the room for exits when you first came in? And why you're sitting facing the door instead of having your back to it?"

Bucky straightened his back.

"Didn't realize you caught that," he shrugged. "Just a habit."

And the flower began to wilt.

"Do you do that in rooms that you feel comfortable in?"

"I-uh... I'm not sure."

"That's alright. It's called hyper-vigilance. You're on high alert at all times. It's a common symptom in PTSD."

"In what?"

Bucky began to wipe his hands on his knees.

"PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but we can get into all that in a later session."

"Do I... do I have that?"

"I think so," she answered calmly and surely, "but I'd wait 'til I got to know you before I formally made that diagnosis."

He glanced at the clock. A few dense moments of silence pass.

"Bucky?"

He cleared his throat. "Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

The blue in his eyes looked like ice. They were frozen. Most people think that in stressful situations the body activates the fight or flight response, but there aren't only two options. There's fight, flight, and there's freeze. Bucky was freezing.

The irony, (Y/N) thought.

He snapped out of whatever trance he was in and stood up abruptly. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just-"

His head shot to the door and he wrung out his hands as his feet shifted in place. Mind undoubtedly going haywire trying to decide what to do.

"I think I need to go," Bucky said so fast he didn't realize he even said it.

He made a beeline for the door, restlessness all but pouring out of him.

"Buck-"

She couldn't get through the rest of his name before the door had open and shut, leaving her sitting alone on the couch.

Now she could check off freeze and flight...

-

PLS feel free to leave some feedback/constructive criticism, i’d really like to know what i can do to make this story better!