#we could finally freely talk about how bad it was. i could express how much i hate the man

[jonny-b-meowborn]

I know I don't have to justify my yesterday's breakdown after seeing my mom's ex, but I just want to make it clear how much I hate this man.

When I was ~14 years old one night I heard/witnessed an argument between them so bad, that the next morning I ran away to my sister. Back then she used to live in this small town near mine, but there was no public transport connecting the towns and she doesn't have a driver's license, so she hitchhiked to pick me up, and we walked along the road until someone picked us up. I left a note at home to my mom, saying where I am and that I don't want to come back as long as her partner lives with us. She didn't acknowledge the contents of the note, but she read it. I ignored her texts and calls the whole day, until in the afternoon she texted me that if I don't come back right now to take care of my younger brother (he was ~8 then) I won't be allowed to visit my cousin the entire winter break. So basically she didn't even ask me to come back because she was worried, but because she wanted me to look after my sibling, and she pretty much blackmailed me to come back. And I had to come back that afternoon, but since it was january it was dark already, and really cold, and no one wanted to pick us up for like half the way. The town my sister lived in wasn't too far, it is a walkable distance, but like, we walked for like over two hours in the cold before someone drove us to my town. And mom never acknowledged the whole situation, she was just angry but didn't talk about any of it. So yeah. I think if his presences made me do that I'm absolutely justified in panicking when I see him now.

[kyupidos]

08/16/24 — twisted wonderland <3

with each other — summary. ‘miscellaneous actions with diasomnia and octavinelle <3.’

characters ;; azul, floyd, malleus, lilia , tags ;; reader is gender neutral ( you/your ), reader may or may not be yuu ( up to the reader ), reader is implied a good cook in lilia’s part, romantic fluff

a/n ( do we fw the new format? hope we do!! been a while since i made a fanfic but that ends now heh!!

a. ashengrotto — fun aquarium date!!

— the octomer was thinking about possible additions to the lounge, so to help him out you figured a date at the aquarium would do good for possible ideas. his heart skipped a beat at the idea of going out with you, not to mention he was killing two birds with one stone. hence where you and azul were walking, looking around at all the marine life as he excitedly rambled on to you about how he could use this for the aquariums at the mostro lounge.

— honestly, you found it adorable when he was comfortable enough to pour his heart out to you like this, whether about his achievements, his ideas for the mostro lounge like right now, or what was especially common, his love for you. it took him a while to get comfortable around you, especially before you started dating since he wanted to be sure you reciprocated his feelings, but here you were together now, and you were more than happy that he was able to talk to freely to you like this.

— “honestly, the implementation of these new aquariums will definitely bring in some customers, no? it’ll provide a much more welcoming atmosphere-” finally azul turned to you during his rambling, before accidentally cutting himself off when he realized how intently you were listening to him, warmly smiling at him like he was the only thing that mattered to you despite the fact you stopped at this spot just a moment ago just to see the beautiful marine life you mentioned wanting to see in the first place when you suggested the outing, the fish swimming past you behind the glass.

— “hm? what’s wrong azul, something in your throat?” you teased gently, smiling as he coughed into his fist with his flustered expression. “no, nothing..” he knew full well you were listening to him already, after all you gave a little input with some “mhm”s here and there, but sometimes he forgot how passionate you really were towards him. not like he didn’t appreciate it—the fact you were listening so intently to everything he had to say made him warm inside.

— ..the way you smiled so softly at him still made him embarrassed, though..

f. leech — “sleepy head!!” ( him to you )

— ‘huh’, floyd thinks to himself every so often, ‘his little shrimpy really loves to get their rest!’. not that he disapproves, in fact he thinks it’s cute of you! funny at times, too; it wasn’t uncommon for you to take a nap where comfortable enough, usually right beside him. that was where he found the silliest irony. you’d think you would be highest alert around him at least, but you certainly were a brave little shrimp.

— he giggled to himself as he caught you leaning against him during history class, poking at your face to see if you’d wake up any time soon. he was in one of his particularly good moods right then, though it was more rare ( not as if it was impossible, though ) for him to be in a bad one whenever you’re beside him. and you were lucky he was, and that it was one of those days he was willing to participate in class and write down notes. actually, a part of it was probably because he wanted to flaunt that he did and then let you copy it when you were awake ( at least, not before teasing you a bit ).

— and then, the softest of times. it was a beautiful thursday, the warm comfortable kind that feels like having just taken a fresh shower and laying in bed with your blanket. that’s what it felt like to you at least, so right after history class, the final class period of that day, floyd invited you to hang out in the vip section of the mostro lounge. whether or not azul actually approved was always unknown to you when he did it, but you figured it didn’t matter anyway.

— at times like these, he encouraged you to ‘catch some z’s’. excitingly telling you about his day, knowing that despite the way you slowly lulled into your slumber with his voice you believed was so lovely, you were listening anyway until your eyes finally closed. a snort of amusement just barely registering, floyd swinging his feet under the table as he brought his hand up to pat your head. and soon it droops down along with the rest of his upper body, as he slowly falls asleep right beside you, sleeping against each other comfortably.

— ( at least until azul promptly and ( more respectfully on your end, at least ) kicks the two of you out for spending too much time in there ).

m. draconia — silly library date!!

— the moment you mentioned to him your interest in twisted wonderland’s history, whether you were skilled with it or not, malleus brightened up at the idea of rambling to you at least about the history of his land, briar valley. with his hand extended to yours as he linked your hands together to bring you to the library to discuss, you really didn’t have much room to refuse—well, not like you would have refused either way. he always seemed to know how find ways to hang out with you, that was for sure.

— it was rather early into the weekend, so thankfully for the both of you he had all the time in the world to infodump about all the history he knew. that combined with the ice cream and other snacks he knew you’d like that he brought along, it truly was the perfect way to wrap up a friday afternoon. just the two of you, eating food together and talking to your hearts content as the time passed by until you finally had to separate—the both of you had your own things to do after all, as disappointing as it was that you couldn’t be together for longer.

— you hung out like this often, actually, just enjoying the time you spent together, talking about all sorts of things such as your interests; for him, it would usually be about gargoyles. that was something that didn’t take you long to figure out, given that every now and then he would sneakily go a little off topic to also bring up the history of gargoyles as well.

— the thought made you happy, that he was able to talk about his interests so carefree now that the two of you were together. after all, you saw him as who he was, rather than by his title as one of the strongest mages, the prince of briar valley; that was just one of the many things he loved about you. that you saw him as someone equal to you despite all else. that’s probably why he had to trouble chatting your ear off about all the things he liked, knowing that you really were listening to everything he had to say, and knowing you would do the same. and of course, he would always listen to anything and everything you brought to the table.

l. vanrouge — cooking!! ( gone wrong )

— lilia had a,, reputation for his cooking skills, so when he specified that he merely wanted to watch a cooking show with you, you sighed a subtle breath of relief as he tilted his head curiously at the reason why your shoulders drooped in your relief. you waved it off though, not having the heart to insult his cooking skills even though between the two of you you were always the one cooking for him so as to make sure there weren’t any safety hazards ensuing in the kitchen. thankfully enough, he loved your food enough to be fine with you being the main one to feed him and the others whenever he invited to for lunch.

— “ah, wow!! the food they’re making looks delicious, don’t you think my love?” lilia looked at the television in awe, with good reason as you watched the cooking show go on as teams slowly got eliminated to decide the eventual winner. not to mention, the food being served looked mouth wateringly good, too. “definitely..i want to try eating that kind of food.”

— perhaps that was your first mistake, as you missed the encouraged look on his face, a mischievous glint in his eye at your claim while you complained about how the judges could pass off the food being presented to them, knowing you would definitely eat it in a heartbeat. so when he invited you to diasomnia the next day, you didn’t quite know what you were in for just yet until you entered the kitchen as he..haphazardly started cooking, and given what he seemed to be trying to cook, it was for you as well. ( ..perhaps that’s why you noticed silver, sebek, and malleus slowly backing away from the kitchen before you arrived. )

— the moment he turned to face you at the sound of your footsteps, you quickly came to terms with the fact there was no escape with the way he excitedly grinned at your presence. your fate was sealed as he came towards you, clasping your hands in his. “you’re finally here! you mentioned wanting to eat what those cooks were making yesterday, no? i wanted to make something for you!”

— ..as you sat next to him as he encouraged you to eat, you came to one conclusion as you stared at your plate nervously—you need to learn to avoid his cute pleading face.

[perfectsunlight]

𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐞

𝒌𝒊𝒎 𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒋𝒊 𝒙 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭, 𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩, 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬, 𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟒.𝟖𝐤

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: 𝐟𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐞 - 𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐚 𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐨

know that i loved you so bad

i let you treat me like that

i was your willing accomplice, honey

you were in the middle of talking about your day on the phone with your girlfriend. the both of you went to the same school, but of course her idol duties put her out of the classroom all the time. you were no idol, naturally leaving you and minji with a bit of estranged distance since you rarely saw her.

“oh, and then one of the fire alarms went off–” “can you just stop talking?”

minji’s sharp voice cut you off mid sentence. the suddenness of her words left you stunned, the hurt hitting you like a swift blow to the chest. the silence that followed was heavy, suffocating, as if the weight of the unspoken emotions hung in the air between you.

your mind raced, desperately trying to comprehend what had just happened. this was supposed to be your moment, a chance to share your day with her, to bridge the ever-widening gap that her job had forged between you. 

and yet, here you were, your heart sinking as her cutting words echoed in your ears.

"i've had a long day, and i just don't really feel like hearing you ramble right now." the idol said monotonously on the other line, her words landing like a cold, heavy stone in the pit of your stomach. each syllable felt like a dagger, twisting and turning in the wound that was already so tender. 

it was as if the person you once knew, the one who used to hang on your every word, had been replaced by someone distant and indifferent.

your voice caught in your throat, the hurt and confusion making it impossible to form a coherent response. you had hoped that your words, your voice, could be a lifeline to bridge the gap between your worlds, but instead, they seemed to have driven the wedge even deeper.

the words hung in the air, the silence stretching out like an eternity. what had you done wrong? was it your fault that you couldn't understand the pressures of her life, the demands of her career? a sinking feeling settled in your chest, a mix of sadness and anger, a complex emotion that was hard to untangle.

you could feel your own heart squeezing in your chest, the vulnerability of the moment leaving you raw and exposed.

the person you loved, the one who used to make your heart skip a beat, had just dismissed you with a single sentence. the sharp contrast between the past and the present was a painful reminder of how much things had changed.

"i understand that you're tired," you managed to say, your voice trembling with a mix of sadness and resignation. "i just thought maybe we could talk, even if it's just for a little while."

the line remained quiet for a moment, the silence heavy with unspoken words. you could almost picture minji on the other end, her expression impassive, her eyes perhaps staring off into the distance, disconnected from the conversation. 

it was a stark reminder that you were now a secondary character in her life, a role you had never anticipated playing.

"i don't know what to say," she finally responded, her voice lacking any warmth or emotion. "i'm just not in the mood for this right now."

those words felt like a final blow, a confirmation that the divide between you had grown too wide to bridge. the tears you had been holding back now spilled freely down your cheeks, each droplet a testament to the pain that was too deep for words.

you wanted to tell her how much you missed her, how much you longed for the connection you once shared. you wanted to ask her if there was a way to mend what was broken, to find a way back to each other. but the weight of her indifference hung heavy in the air, suffocating any words that might have brought solace.

in the end, all you could manage was a whispered, "okay." and with that, you hung up the phone, the silence on the other end echoing the emptiness you now felt inside. 

and i watched as you fled the scene

doe-eyed as you buried me

one heart broke, four hands bloody

the next few weeks were a continuation of that one evening. minji stopped calling you, she left you on read often, and occasionally she wouldn’t even read it until the next day. this was not the kim minji you fell in love with.

no, this was entirely someone different. your minji would never do this to you.

the minji you loved always asked about your day, always called even just to say goodnight. 

the minji you loved always asked about your day, always called even just to say goodnight. she was the one who made you feel like you were the most important person in her world.

but now, that minji seemed like a distant memory, a bittersweet echo of a time that was slipping further and further away. the weight of her absence bore down on you like a heavy cloud, casting a shadow over every aspect of your life. the joy you used to find in the simplest of things now felt hollow, incomplete.

you found yourself constantly checking your phone, hoping for a message, a sign that she was thinking of you. each notification that popped up only brought a pang of disappointment as it turned out to be from someone else. 

you wondered if you were being too needy, too clingy, but deep down, you couldn't help but feel that something was fundamentally wrong.

nights were the hardest. 

the absence of her goodnight messages left a void that was difficult to fill. the empty space beside you in bed seemed to grow colder each night, a physical reminder of the emotional distance that had come between you. you missed the sound of her voice, the way she used to tell you about her day, about the small victories and the challenges she faced.

you began to replay that evening in your mind, searching for clues, for any possible explanation for the sudden change in her behavior. had you said something wrong? was there something you could have done differently? the uncertainty gnawed at you, feeding into your insecurities and amplifying your pain.

those things i did

just so i could call you mine

the things you did

well, i hope i was your favorite crime

one afternoon, you found yourself waiting in line at a fansign for new jeans. you didn’t tell minji you were coming, since you thought it would be a good idea to surprise her with your presence. it had been over a month since you had seen your girlfriend, and you were over the moon to just see her face again.

especially since you had found yourself ditching your last period of class to come to this event.

the atmosphere around you buzzed with excitement, the energy of the fans filling the air. the posters, the merchandise, the anticipation—it was all so overwhelming. as you inched closer to the front of the line, your heart raced with a mixture of nervousness and eagerness.

finally, it was your turn. you stepped up to the table, and there she was, looking every bit as stunning as you remembered. her hair cascaded in waves, her eyes sparkled, and her smile was radiant, lighting up the entire room. for a moment, it felt like time stood still, and all the pain and uncertainty of the past weeks melted away in the warmth of her gaze.

minji looked up from signing the album placed in front of her, her eyes widening in genuine surprise. "you?" she exclaimed softly, a mixture of shock and something else you couldn't quite place in her voice.

"hey," you managed, your own voice a little unsteady. "surprise."

a range of emotions seemed to play across her face—surprise, confusion, and something akin to disgust. but she quickly masked them, putting on a professional smile as she continued to sign your album. the brief interaction felt surreal, like you were strangers meeting for the first time, and the dissonance was almost painful.

"thank you for coming," she said politely as she handed the album back to you. you held onto the album, your fingers trembling slightly as you searched her eyes for a hint of the minji you once knew.

before you could respond, a staff member gently ushered you along, reminding you that there were other fans waiting. 

minji didn’t bother looking back at you, not even once.

and just like that, the fansign moved on, and you were left standing there, clutching the album to your chest. the encounter left you feeling both heartened and heartbroken, a reminder that surprises weren't enough to mend what was broken.

but maybe it was your fault for not understanding? minji was an idol. she was busy with her schedules and promotions. of course she isn’t going to have time to see you. surely you should understand that, right?

however, you couldn’t understand why she acted the way she did towards you. little did you know it would only get worse.

you used me as an alibi

i crossed my heart as you crossed the line

and i defended you to all my friends

“y/n, come on. you can’t keep defending her.” sullyoon said bluntly, pointing a finger in your direction as she glared at you.

your best friend had been present to witness yet another one of you and minji’s arguments. this time, you called your girlfriend asking for a day she’s free to hang out with you, only to be met with an argument with her.

minji blamed you for being late to her photoshoot because you called her at a bad time. she also blamed you for making her stressed out with all of your constant messages.

you sighed and looked down, the weight of sullyoon's words hitting you like a ton of bricks. she wasn't wrong, and deep down, you knew it. you had been trying so hard to defend minji's actions, to justify the distance that had grown between you, but at what cost?

"i know," you replied quietly, your voice tinged with sadness and frustration. "it's just... i love her, sullyoon. i don't want to give up on us."

sullyoon's expression softened, and she stepped closer to you, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. "i know you love her, y/n. and i'm not telling you to give up. but you deserve someone who treats you with kindness and respect, who values your time and effort."

tears welled up in your eyes as you nodded, your heart aching with the truth of her words. you had been holding onto the memories of the past, the love you once shared, but the reality of the present was becoming harder and harder to ignore.

"it just hurts, you know?" you admitted, your voice quivering. "to feel like i'm not enough, like i'm the one causing her stress and frustration. she’s an idol and i feel like i should understand better."

sullyoon pulled you into a gentle hug, offering you a source of comfort in the midst of your turmoil. "you are enough, y/n. relationships are supposed to be a two-way street. it shouldn't be one-sided, and you shouldn't have to constantly defend yourself." 

as you buried your face in her shoulder, you couldn't help but feel the weight of your emotions crashing over you. the love you had for minji was still there, strong and unwavering, but it was becoming painfully clear that love alone might not be enough to mend what was broken.

“and i’m an idol, too. but i still make time to talk to you more than minji does.” she added, patting your back gently. “she’s just making excuses.”

with a heavy heart, you pulled away from sullyoon's embrace, wiping away your tears. "i need to have a serious conversation with her, don't i?"

sullyoon nodded, her gaze filled with empathy. "yes, y/n. you deserve to be heard, and you deserve honesty. anything less than that is not enough.”

and now, every time a siren sounds

i wonder if you're around

'cause you know that i'd do it all again

after two months of not seeing each other, you and minji finally had arranged a time to see each other. it was actually minji’s idea to meet up and have lunch together. 

after two months of not seeing each other, you and minji finally had arranged a time to see each other. it was actually minji’s idea to meet up and have lunch together. the anticipation and nervousness you felt were palpable as the day approached. a part of you hoped that this would mark a turning point in your relationship, a chance to bridge the gap that had grown between you.

as the day dawned, you found yourself getting ready with a mix of excitement and trepidation. your heart raced as you drove to the restaurant you both had agreed upon. the familiar sights of the city felt almost surreal, like you were stepping into a dream. you couldn't help but replay the upcoming meeting in your mind, wondering how it would unfold.

when you arrived at the restaurant, your heart skipped a beat as you saw minji waiting outside. she looked just as stunning as ever, a mix of nerves and excitement in her eyes. for a moment, it felt like time had stood still, and all the struggles and pain of the past weeks faded into the background. it was just the two of you, like it used to be.

"hey," you called out softly as you approached her, a tentative smile on your lips. minji's face became visible as she turned to you, a half smile tugging at her lips. "hey," she replied, her voice a mixture of nonchalant and monotone.

the awkwardness that had been present in your recent interactions seemed to intensify in that moment. as you sat down at a corner table, there was an unspoken dynamic. minji was acting like an idol, not like your girlfriend.

the conversation started off hesitantly, with small talk about each other's lives. minji talked about her busy schedule, her recent projects, and the demands of her idol career. you sat and listened attentively, unsure if you should say anything yet about a breakup.

when there was a pause in her monologue, you took a deep breath and finally spoke up, your voice soft but determined. "minji, i think we need to talk."

she looked at you, her expression not changing much, but there was a flicker of something in her eyes—maybe surprise, maybe annoyance.

"what's there to talk about?" she replied, her voice tinged with a touch of irritation.

your heart ached at her dismissive response, but you pressed on, knowing that you needed to be honest. "i miss us, minji. i miss the way things used to be between us. but lately, it feels like we're living in two separate worlds. your career, your fame—it's all so overwhelming, and i feel like i'm being left behind."

minji's gaze remained fixed on you, her eyes guarded. "you knew what my life was like when we got together. this isn't something new."

"i know, and i tried to be understanding," you replied, your voice cracking with emotion. "but it's not just about your career. it's about how we've changed, how our relationship has changed. i want us to be partners, to support each other, but it feels like you're closing yourself off from me."

minji's expression hardened, her walls going up even higher. "so, what are you saying?"

your heart ached as you looked into her eyes, searching for the minji you used to know, the one who would have listened and cared deeply. 

"i'm saying that maybe we need to take a break. to figure things out, to find ourselves again. i don't want to keep feeling like i'm fighting for your attention, like i'm the one causing you stress."

the silence that followed felt suffocating, the weight of your words hanging heavily in the air between you. minji's lips tightened, and you could see a storm of emotions brewing beneath the surface. and then, finally, she spoke, her voice laced with anger.

"you're giving up on us just like that?" her tone was sharp, accusatory. "it's not about giving up," you said softly, your voice trembling. "it's about recognizing that we both need to be happy, that we both need space to grow."

minji pushed her chair back abruptly, her face contorted with frustration. "i can't believe you're doing this. after everything."

you reached out for her, your heart aching at her reaction. "minji, please understand. this is tearing us apart. maybe some time apart can help us find our way back to each other."

the restaurant seemed to fade into the background as minji's words pierced through you like a knife. her anger was palpable, her frustration a tangible force. you watched as she stood there, her eyes blazing with hurt and anger, her voice filled with a mixture of disbelief and betrayal.

"i can’t believe i took time out of my busy schedule to come on a date with you for the first time in months and all you’re doing is this?" her voice trembled with a mix of emotions, and you could see tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

you swallowed hard, your own heart breaking at the pain in her voice. "minji, i didn't want it to be like this. i thought a break might give us a chance to work through things, to find a way back to each other."

she shook her head, her hands clenched into fists at her sides. "you think this is what i want? you think i'm happy with the way things have been?"

the raw emotion in her voice cut through you, a stark reminder that this wasn't easy for her either. but her anger was so intense, so overwhelming, that it felt like there was no room for understanding or compromise.

"i don't think you're happy either," you said softly, tears welling up in your eyes. "i just thought maybe this break could give us a chance to heal."

minji's gaze bore into yours, her eyes blazing with an intensity that sent shivers down your spine. "you think i need healing? you think i need you to tell me what's wrong with my life?"

the accusation in her words stung, and you felt a mixture of guilt and frustration swirling within you. "no, that's not what i meant."

"of course it's not what you meant," she spat back, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "you always know what's best, don't you?"

you closed your eyes, the weight of the situation pressing down on you like a heavy burden. it wasn't supposed to end like this, with anger and accusations. 

but the reality of your relationship had become so tangled, so complex, that finding a way forward felt almost impossible.

“i'm not saying i know what's best," you said, your voice cracking with the effort to hold back tears. "i just thought maybe a break could help us both find some clarity."

she turned away from you, her fists balled as if trying to hold back the flood of emotions and her jaw clenched. "i can't do this right now. i can't talk about this."

you watched as she walked away, her steps hurried and determined. the restaurant felt cold and desolate, the aftermath of the conversation leaving you feeling hollow and defeated. 

it was supposed to be a chance to reconnect, to find a way back to each other, but instead, it had only driven a deeper wedge between you.

all the things i did

just so i could call you mine

the things you did

well, i hope i was your favorite crime

you didn’t really know what to call your relationship with minji after that. even though you were the one who tried to break up with her, you couldn’t help but feel guilty about it.

maybe you were wrong all along? what if it wasn’t minji’s fault, but rather your own? she was still trying, right?

in the days that followed your encounter at the restaurant, you found yourself replaying the conversation over and over in your mind. doubt gnawed at you, and you began to question whether your decision to suggest a break was the right one. 

after all, minji had come to meet you, she had taken time out of her busy schedule, and you had essentially rejected her.

seeing her upset and angry had left a pit in your stomach, a nagging feeling that perhaps you hadn't fully considered the consequences of your actions. the guilt weighed heavily on you, a constant reminder that relationships were complex and messy, and your attempt to address the issues between you had only seemed to exacerbate them.

as the days turned into weeks, you found yourself missing minji more than ever. the silence between you was deafening, and the space that had grown between you felt like an insurmountable chasm. you wondered if you had pushed her away for good, if your efforts to address the issues had only served to drive her further away.

you couldn't help but notice how minji continued to appear in the media, performing with her group, smiling for the cameras, all the while masking the turmoil that had once been so evident between you. it was as if she had moved on effortlessly, while you were left grappling with the remnants of a relationship that felt more shattered than ever.

the clock on your bedroom wall glared at you with the numbers 9:55 pm. minji was still awake, she always was at this time. you memorized her practice schedule during the talking stage with her.

it was a bit ironic that you remembered her daily schedule but you couldn’t seem to remember to eat or sleep.

the past few weeks had been a whirlwind of emotions, and the attempt to repair your relationship with minji had left you emotionally drained. you were trying to rebuild what was broken, and it was proving to be both challenging and rewarding.

but it wasn't easy. the memories of your arguments and the pain you both felt still lingered, and they often invaded your thoughts, especially during these quiet moments when the world seemed to slow down. the disparity between minji's public persona and the reality you both faced weighed heavily on your heart.

as you sat there, staring at the clock, a surge of emotions swept over you. you missed her more than words could express, and you longed for the love you once felt from the girl. 

yet, there was a lingering fear that the cracks in your relationship might be too deep to mend completely. the doubt, the insecurity, and the uncertainty gnawed at you, reminding you that love alone might not be enough to heal the wounds that had formed.

you picked up your phone, your fingers hovering over the screen. maybe you should send her a message, just to let her know that you were thinking of her. 

it's bittersweet to think about the damage that we do

'cause i was going down, but i was doing it with you

your fingers typed and erased over and over again, the indecision evident in your actions. the glow of your phone's screen illuminated the dim room, casting a faint light on your contemplative expression. the cursor blinked in the text box as you struggled to find the right words.

"i miss you,” you typed and then hesitated, your thumb hovering over the send button. it was a simple message, but it held so much weight. would it be welcomed, or would it come across as too needy? you deleted the message and started again.

“how was your day?” you tried, hoping for a more casual approach. but as soon as the words appeared on the screen, they felt inadequate, empty even. minji deserved more than a simple inquiry about her day.

with a frustrated sigh, you locked your phone and placed it on the table. you leaned back in your chair, your thoughts a swirl of emotions. the turmoil within you mirrored the unease you felt about your relationship. it was as if your actions on your phone screen were a microcosm of the larger struggle you were facing.

part of you wanted to reach out, to bridge the gap that had formed, to show minji that you were still here, still committed to trying. 

but the other part of you was afraid—afraid of rejection, afraid of making things worse, afraid of being a burden to her busy life.

yeah, everything we broke, and all the trouble that we made

but i say that i hate you with a smile on my face

as the minutes turned into hours, you found yourself lost in your thoughts, a battle raging within you. the screen of your phone remained dark, untouched, a silent testament to your internal struggle. the clock ticked on, and the night grew deeper, but your heart felt heavy with the weight of indecision.

finally, you gave a resigned sigh, realizing that you couldn't keep grappling with this forever. with a determined exhale, you unlocked your phone once more. your fingers tapped out a message, slower this time, each word chosen carefully.

"hi minji, i've been thinking about us. i miss what we had, and i'm willing to work on things if you are. i don't want to push you, but i just wanted you to know that i'm here, whenever you're ready to talk."

you read and reread the message, the words holding your hopes and vulnerabilities. with a trembling hand, you pressed the send button, watching as the message flew off into the digital void. the anxiety settled in once again, the seconds stretching out.

the room was silent, save for the soft hum of the clock on the wall. the minutes passed, and you felt a mix of anticipation and dread. 

oh, look what we became

somewhere between now and the moment you had sent the text, you couldn’t help but feel like something was off. you picked up your phone again, only to be met with a blank screen of no notifications. 

all the things i did

just so i could call you mine

when you scrolled back to the conversation, you noticed your message didn’t say it had been delivered. confused, you decided to double check her schedule by looking online. was she flying somewhere right now?

as you searched for any information about minji's schedule, you felt a growing sense of unease. it wasn't like her not to respond, even if she was busy. and the fact that your message hadn't even been delivered left you feeling a mix of frustration and concern.

you clicked on various fan sites and social media platforms, hoping to find a clue about her whereabouts. but your search yielded no answers—no mentions of her current activities, no updates on her schedule.

the clock on your wall ticked away, and you found yourself trapped in a cycle of uncertainty. the more you searched, the more your anxiety grew. what if something had happened? what if she was in trouble or facing an emergency?

all the things you did

well, i hope i was your favorite crime

finally, after what felt like an eternity of scrolling, you stumbled upon a tweet from a fan account. it mentioned that minji's group finally had a break in their schedules for the first time in months.

your heart sank as you read those words. minji was still here in seoul. 

but if she was still here in the city, why wasn’t your message going through?

your favorite crime

moving to her contact once again, you about calling her. you missed her, you loved her, and you wanted to let her know that you were sorry for not understanding her.

even though none of it was your fault in the first place. 

your favorite crime

your thumb pressed on the call button and you brought the device to your ear. the sound of your heart pounded in your head and your hands shook.

would she be mad? would she be happy to hear from you? or maybe she would feel just as sorry as you were feeling right now? 

surely she can’t miss you less than you miss her, right?

'cause baby, you were mine

the number you have dialed is not in service at this time…

a/n: this was literally so rushed im sorry LMAOOO

[30somethingautisticteacher]

Take Good Care of My Baby

Day 3 of Bucktommy Positivity Week ❤️

@bucktommypositivityweek

****

When it came to Tommy's family, he was a bit of a closed book. Buck knew very little beyond a few passing comments. He was aware that Tommy's dad was reminiscent of Captain Gerrard and that Tommy had a younger brother still living in Oregon. That's why Buck was completely thrown off guard when, three months into their relationship, Tommy casually mentioned, "My mom wants to meet you."

Buck started coughing, nearly choking on his beer. "Your mom?" he sputtered, eyes wide with surprise. "Wow, you've never mentioned her. I honestly thought she had passed away."

Tommy shook his head, a mix of guilt and sadness crossing his features. "No, she's alive. I guess I don't talk about her much. It's a way to protect her, I suppose?"

He took a deep breath before continuing, "People in our hometown were really cruel about her situation. My dad was horribly abusive, and she stayed for a long time. They called her weak and a bad mom for not leaving with us kids."

Tommy's voice grew quieter, tinged with old pain. "When my brother was born - I was seven at the time - they couldn't believe she would have another baby with him. And when she finally left, after he broke her jaw, they had the audacity to call her a monster for 'abandoning' her kids."

Buck reached out, placing a comforting hand on Tommy's arm. "That's awful, Tommy. I'm so sorry your family went through that."

Tommy nodded, leaning into Buck's touch. "It was rough. That's why I don't talk about it much. But my mom... she's incredibly strong. She's rebuilt her life, and now she wants to meet the man who's making me happy."

As Tommy shared his family's painful history, Buck felt a deep, visceral reaction. His mind immediately went to Maddie and the horrors she had endured with Doug. While the situations weren't identical, the core of abuse and the struggle to leave were painfully familiar.

Buck squeezed Tommy's hand, his voice thick with emotion. "Tommy, I... God, it's so similar to what Maddie went through. How could anyone call someone experiencing that kind of trauma weak?"

Tommy nodded, his eyes reflecting shared understanding. "I know. When you told me about Maddie, I couldn't help but think of my mom. The strength it takes to survive that, to eventually leave... it's incredible. And for my mom, having to consider us kids in her decisions, it must have been even more complicated."

"Your mom isn't weak," Buck affirmed, his eyes filled with compassion. "She's a survivor, just like Maddie. And those people in your hometown? They have no idea what it's like to live through something like that, let alone with children involved."

Tommy's grip on Buck's hand tightened, gratitude evident in his expression. "It means a lot to hear you say that, Evan. I think that's why my mom wants to meet you. She knows about Maddie, and I think she feels like you might understand her in a way that not many others can."

Buck nodded, a mix of emotions playing across his face. "I'd be honored to meet her, Tommy. She sounds like an amazing woman." He paused, then asked gently, "How old were you when she left?"

Tommy's eyes clouded with old memories. "I was 16," he said, his voice steady but tinged with pain. "And way bigger than Dad already. He never laid a finger on me or Brad, although the homophobic slurs flew freely."

Buck squeezed Tommy's hand, silently encouraging him to continue.

"I left at 17 to join the army," Tommy went on. "Brad went to live with my Aunt and cousins."

Buck took a moment to process this information. "That must have been so hard, Tommy. Being old enough to understand what was happening, but still so young."

Tommy nodded. "It was tough. I felt guilty leaving Brad, even though I knew he was safer with our Aunt. And Mom... I worried about her constantly."

"But you all survived," Buck said softly. "You, your mom, Brad. You all found your way out."

"We did," Tommy agreed, a small, sad smile on his face. "It wasn't easy, and it took time, but we did."

Buck leaned in, resting his forehead against Tommy's. "Thank you for sharing this with me. I know it can't be easy to talk about."

Tommy's hand came up to cup Buck's cheek. "With you, Evan, it feels okay. You understand in a way not many people do."

Buck smiled, leaning into Tommy's touch. His eyes, full of warmth and support, met Tommy's. "So where is she living now? When can we meet up?"

Tommy's expression shifted, a mix of nervousness and excitement crossing his features. "Well, she just moved to San Diego," he said, his voice carrying a hint of anticipation. "So I was thinking I could fly us out there on our next days off that sync up. I think that's a week from tomorrow." He paused, searching Buck's face. "Is that OK?"

Buck's smile widened, his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. "Can't wait," he said without hesitation.

The tension in Tommy's shoulders visibly eased at Buck's response. He pulled Buck closer, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. "Thank you, Evan. This means a lot to me."

Buck wrapped his arms around Tommy, holding him tight.

****

The Uber pulled up in front of a small, unassuming tan house. As Buck and Tommy stepped out of the car, the front door flew open, and a woman ran outside. She was tiny, barely 5 feet tall, with salt and pepper hair and kind eyes that crinkled as she smiled. The contrast between her petite frame and Tommy's towering height was almost comical as she went in for a hug.

"Tommy, my sweet boy. I'm so happy to see you," she said, her voice warm with affection. Then, turning to Buck with a mischievous grin, she continued, "And you must be 'my boyfriend Evan, but only I can call him Evan, so you call him Buck.'" Tommy groaned, a blush creeping up his neck. "Mama!" he protested, but there was no real annoyance in his voice, just fond embarrassment.

Buck couldn't help but chuckle, instantly charmed by Tommy's mother's warmth and humor. He extended his hand, but she bypassed it entirely, pulling him into a hug as well. "It's wonderful to meet you, Mrs. Kinard," Buck said, his voice slightly muffled against her shoulder.

She pulled back, her eyes twinkling with amusement. "I haven't been a Kinard in over 20 years, sweetheart. You can call me Rachel," she said warmly.

"Rachel it is," Buck replied with a smile, feeling immediately at ease.

"I'm so happy you boys are here," Rachel said as they walked into the house. Her eyes twinkled as she turned to Buck. "You must be pretty special, Buck. You're the first boyfriend Tommy's ever introduced me to."

Buck's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh... Wow... that's... really?" he stammered, looking at Tommy for confirmation.

Tommy nodded, a soft smile playing on his lips.

Buck felt a warmth spread through his chest as he replied, "Well, I don't know if I'm special, but I can say that Tommy makes me happier than I've ever been."

"Wonderful!" Rachel exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "Are you boys hungry?"

"That depends, Mama," Tommy said, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Did you cook? Because if so, we politely decline."

Rachel smacked him playfully on the shoulder. "My son, the comedian," she said, rolling her eyes good-naturedly. "I'll have you know that I ordered in brunch from a little deli. Hope you like bagels, Buck."

The easy banter between Tommy and his mother, and the way they both effortlessly included Buck in their interactions, made him feel instantly at home. As they made their way to the dining area, Buck couldn't help but smile. This visit was already exceeding his expectations, filled with warmth, humor, and a sense of family that he was grateful to be a part of.

As they dug into the spread of bagels and various toppings, Rachel turned her attention to Buck, her eyes bright with curiosity. "So, darlin', tell me about yourself," she said warmly. "Tommy can't stop talking about you, but I want to hear straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak."

Buck glanced at Tommy, a mix of surprise and pleasure at hearing he was a frequent topic of conversation. He cleared his throat before responding, "Oh well, uh, I grew up in Pennsylvania but moved away when I was 19, and then moved to LA when I was 25."

Rachel leaned in, genuinely interested. "Where were you between Pennsylvania and Los Angeles?" she asked.

Buck chuckled, a hint of his adventurous past shining through his eyes. "Everywhere," he said with a grin. "Georgia, Virginia, Montana, Arizona, Peru. I just sort of floated on the wind."

Tommy watched the interaction with a soft smile, clearly pleased to see Buck opening up to his mother.

Rachel's eyebrows shot up in admiration. "My, my, quite the adventurer! Peru, you say? That must have been exciting."

As Buck launched into a story about his time in South America, the atmosphere in the room grew even warmer. Rachel listened attentively, asking questions and laughing at Buck's animated descriptions. Tommy, for his part, seemed content to watch the two most important people in his life bonding over brunch.

The conversation flowed easily, and Buck found himself relaxing more and more. He'd been nervous about this meeting, but Rachel's genuine interest and warmth made him feel accepted and valued. As he shared stories from his past, he realized he was also sharing parts of himself that he rarely talked about, and it felt good to be so open.

As Buck finished recounting a particularly amusing anecdote from his time in Peru, Rachel shook her head in amazement. "Your parents must have been so nervous having you flit all over like that," she said, her voice tinged with maternal concern. "I know when Tommy was in the Army and when Bradley taught in India, I was so worried all the time."

Buck tensed slightly, his previously relaxed demeanor shifting. He glanced down at his plate, his voice quieter as he responded, "Uh, not so much. I've always been something of an inconvenience to them."

The warmth in the room seemed to cool for a moment as Rachel processed Buck's words. Her eyes, so like her son's, grew sad. "Oh honey," she said softly, reaching out to place a comforting hand on Buck's arm.

Tommy, sensing Buck's discomfort, moved closer to him. He put his arm around Buck's shoulders, pulling him close. With tender care, Tommy gently pressed his lips to Buck's birthmark, a gesture that spoke volumes of his affection and support.

Buck leaned into Tommy's embrace, drawing strength from his partner's presence. The simple act of care seemed to ground him, reminding him that he wasn't alone in this moment of vulnerability.

Rachel's gaze flicked between Buck and Tommy, understanding dawning in her eyes. This wasn't just a casual revelation; it was a glimpse into a pain that Buck carried with him. But it was also a testament to the deep connection between her son and Buck.

"Well," Rachel said after a moment, her voice warm and firm, "their loss is our gain. I, for one, am thrilled to have you here, Buck. And I can see how happy you make my Tommy."

Buck looked up, surprise and gratitude evident in his expression. He hadn't meant to bring down the mood, but Rachel's immediate acceptance and support, coupled with Tommy's unwavering presence, touched him deeply.

As the conversation gently shifted to lighter topics, Buck felt a wave of belonging wash over him. He might not have had the most supportive family growing up, but here, in this small tan house in San Diego, with Tommy's arm around him and Rachel's kind eyes on him, he felt truly welcomed and valued.

As the day drew to a close and they prepared to leave, Rachel pulled Buck aside, her eyes serious and full of emotion.

"Sweetheart," she began, her voice soft but intense, "my Tommy, he's been through so much in this life. He has been beat down over and over again, and he has gotten up stronger each time." She paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I don't know if he told you about his father, but he's an awful human. I can't believe such good boys, my babies, came from such vermin."

Buck listened intently, his heart aching for the pain in Rachel's voice and for what Tommy had endured.

"Tommy protected me as much as he could from the time he was a tiny little boy," Rachel continued, her voice wavering slightly. "And Stuart, he did everything in his power to break Tommy down. He somehow knew Tommy was gay even before Tommy did and would call him terrible names."

She reached out, grasping Buck's hand in both of hers. "Tommy is selfless, and he deserves the world. So I'm asking you, Buck, will you give it to him, please? Will you love my baby like he deserves?"

Buck felt a lump form in his throat, overwhelmed by the trust and hope Rachel was placing in him. He squeezed her hands gently, his voice thick with emotion as he replied, "Rachel, I promise you, I will do everything in my power to make Tommy happy. He deserves the world, and I'll spend every day trying to give it to him."

Buck paused for a moment, realizing the weight of what he was about to say. Although he hadn't yet said these words to Tommy himself, he felt a surprising comfort in confiding them to Rachel. "I love him," Buck said softly, the words feeling right as they left his lips. "I love him more than I ever thought possible."

Rachel's eyes welled with tears as she pulled Buck into a tight hug. "Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you for loving my boy."

As they embraced, Buck felt a mix of emotions wash over him. There was the weight of Rachel's words and the responsibility they carried, but also a sense of liberation in finally voicing his feelings for Tommy, even if it was to his mother first. It wasn't a burden - it was a privilege. He silently renewed his commitment to Tommy, vowing to be the partner that this amazing man deserved, and promised himself that he would find the right moment to share these words with Tommy soon.

[radfemnotfemme]

been learning about radical feminism in the past year and i have completely reevaluated my beliefs about gender ideology. now im just so stuck on the idea of, how can identifying as another gender not be fundamentally regressive, sexist, and upholding gender norms? how can men just identify out of oppression? but now idk what to do holding these beliefs because truly all my friends would have serious issues with me if i were ever to voice this. in fact, i have close friends who are trans, and there are many trans people in my wider social circle (one of whom specifically made me so uncomfortable in a "female" space that it contributed to me unlearning my previous beliefs abt gender ideology). i attend a super liberal university where in a recent english class my professor even made a comment about jk rowling being an evil terf now.

i feel like i'm walking around with a dirty secret. i feel like i can't discuss these ideas with anyone irl, not even my girlfriend. it would fundamentally change her view of me as she as an incredibly vocal trans ally. i could see her breaking up with me for these beliefs; i could see many friends distancing themselves from me. i'm just wondering how you navigate a social world like this with radfem beliefs ahhhh

i feel you on the “dirty secret” aspect! i can try to give some advice since i’m in a very similar situation (minus the fact i live in a conservative area.)

due to my appearance (i’m visibly gay) i usually only attract TRA & ‘queer’ types to me. my friends are all TRA or some variant of “genderqueer.” i only have one friend ive been able to confide my beliefs to, and she’s more a closet conservative type so we really only agree on trans issues. I will say, if you can find even one person that you can speak freely with it’ll be a huge weight off your chest. Whenever I see this one friend we both just ramble because we can finally talk about shit that we can’t comfortably talk about with anyone else.

the way i’ve gone about managing my friendships with TRAs is to simply never bring up trans (or controversial radfem) topics. i avoid it like the plague, will change topic, and if directly questioned on something i will play the dumb and innocent role, aka just pretending to not understand but intend as coming from a good place. you should evaluate which of your friendships putting up this facade will be worth it, because it gets exhausting fast. i have some trans friends, but they’re all the “genderfluid/nonbinary AFAB who goes by any pronouns” type who present extremely feminine at all times, never even push the boundaries of gender expression honestly which is funny. (literally theyfabs lol) They dont care that i always use she/her and they honestly never bring up gender stuff with me. these type of girls aren’t too bad to be around as i feel they’re not as far gone as some TIPs are who actually take the steps to transition, etc. Being around a hardcore TIF or TIM might be a more difficult friendship to maintain.

Regarding your significant other, you should consider if this is a breaking point in your relationship. For me it’s not since my gf was generally uninformed about trans issues like the dangers of males in womens prisons, unfairness in sports, why oppressed is sex based and not gender based, etc. We’ve had discussions about this, where i explained my reasoning for being against these issues & she actually ended up agreeing after I showed her the facts. She’s still ‘pro-trans’ but is much more reasonable about it & thinks majority trans people just wanna live their life (which who can argue with that!) If this type of open conversation isn’t something you think could be achievable with your gf, you guys might just not be compatible.

It sounds like you live in a very liberal area & so my advice to you would be to see if there’s any radical feminist organizations near you. I think finding other people who think the same as you will help you feel less guilty. It’ll probably be hard since most radfems are secretive about their beliefs (for obvious reasons lol) but i’m sure you’ll find someone eventually.

[deadpool15]

Roomate part 1

This is some dumb fucking shit. How can someone be this bad at their job, while sitting here smiling in my fucking face. "So, explain to me, umm, what was your name again?" Mika said, staring at the realtor with absolute disgust and annoyance. "Just Kim would be fine, sweetheart," he states, staring me up and down with a flirty expression. "Yea, that's amazing. I'm gonna call you bitch ass, you cool with that?" I stated watching his face completely drop. "So, since this very kind women can't talk to you like a fucking adult, I'm just gonna talk to you like the man child you mother obviously failed to raise. Now, would you be a dear and tell me how exactly does someone manages to sell a place to two different people with knowing. We obviously don't fucking look or sounds anything alike. Therefore, that rolls out that pathetic ass excuse. I should whoop your ass bitch-."

As I went to jump on him, the unknown woman that was standing next to me grabbed me. Holding me while apologizing, causing the man to immediately leave in fear. "OK ok you can stop now, Ms." I roughly back away from her casting her to put up her hands in the air as a showcase of surrender. "I know we are in a bit of a predicament here, but the papers have already been finalized. Plus, this place is more than big enough for the both of us, so we can just share it." I stared her down before laughing and shaking my head. "If you fuck up, I'll whoop your ass too."

And well, that's how me and bada met. At first, there was a bit of hostile energy, mainly from my side. I wasn't really sure about her, like I was judging her character before I let the real me out. Then, it all changed one night. She randomly got home from a long ass day of working, saying she needed some self-care immediately. I mean, true enough, I wasn't so sure about her yet, but I'm not a monster, and a girl in need is simply a girl in need. I sat her on the couch while we did face masks and painted each other's nails. She was a little on the rocky side about the nails, but I managed to talk or more so threaten her into it. After a while, we started talking about life. I learned she had a boyfriend named Howl, strange ass name.

"Wait so like when you two fuck, do you moan out howl or just government name. Because u fucking can't right now." I said laughing and hitting the coach, while bada sat there embarrassed and pushing me over. "I mean, I don't know. Like I don't really sit there and think about it." She says shyly. "What about you?" "Oo I don't do relationships, I mean, it's enough me to go around right. Plus, this pussy game is crazy, will have a motherfucker all obsessive and shit." She stares atcthe ground shocked. "Wow, are all Americans like this?" "Like what?"Just open and out there." I chuckle before adjusting myself on the seat. "To be honest, babes, I mean sex is sex. We are adults we should be able to talk about it freely. Plus, Korea is just really hush hush and polite about that stuff."

That night, Bada and i bonded. We became like sisters. Telling each other everything. I even met her man. They were a hot couple. I could see why they would go for each other. But that's pretty much all about Howl. we got to know each other to a certain degree. I mean, at the end of the day, girl code still exists, and it's something i truly ride and believe in, sisters over misters, you know. Like him and Bada would help pick out my outfits and stuff. Like right now. "So, what do you think?" I ask both of them as they are sitting on my bed eating snacks. "Don't you think they are a bit revealing?" Howl said while opening up another bag of the hot fries I had shipped here, while bada shoke her head, agreeing with him. "First of all, I'm a grown ass woman who is everything but insecure so I can show off. Secondly, shawty was fine in that pic she sent me, so she must wanna see all this. So, which one sluty sexy or sluty cute."

Each outfit was revealing yet gave a different vibe. I never questioned why Howl was protective over me, shit I thought he saw me as his little sister like Bada. Boy was I fucking wrong. I started showing then the messages between me and mystery women. She was a hot masc with a long wolf cut. And the entire conversation basically consists of us trying to have phone sex. But why sit in bed and play with myself when I can have her do it for me. "Wow, you two really are going to do this on the first date?" Bada asked while staring at me, looking slightly nervous, yet I couldn't understand why. To be honest, they both had been acting weird lately. They were like my best friends, so I wanted to know what was happening but didn't wanna drag it on. Maybe it's nothing. "Now you know I don't plan on dating that girl. Anyways, I'm sticking with sexy, so I'll be back and you two can do anything you horny fucks can thing of. Except fucking on my bed. Move it along weirdos." I tell them walking out the house.

"What the fuck, this shit is getting out of hand, Bada I thought we agreed to tell her?" Howl said angrily thinking about all the things Mika could be doing right now with that girl, she had been gone for hours. "I know, this is hard for me too. But we can't just tell her out of the blue. Hey, me and my boyfriend are totally in love with you, and I know you don't do relationships, but are you willing to date us, so we can finally call you ours and stop listening to you fuck other people." Bada stated basically yelling at him. "We just need to tell her this is bullshit-"

Before they could finish their conversation, they heard something slam against the door, startling them both. The sounds kept repeating as if someone was trying to get in, causing Howl to immediately grab Bada and place her behind him, thinking someone was trying to break into the apartment. "Are we being robbed?" Bada asks Howl in slight fear, but before he could defend them, both Mika comes crashing through the door, drunk as shit. With what seems to be her date. Both of them kissed and basically dry humping each other with clothes on, paying no mind to the people in the house. Mika moves her hand trying to lock the door before, the unknown woman grabs her neck shoves her knee into pussy, making sure to rub away all the tension. They both moan into each other's mouths and finally lock the door stumbling into her room, still without acknowledging her fellow roommate and boyfriend.

As they bedroom door abruptly closes shut, they are now finally out of the eye sight of Bada and Howl, who are seething in anger. "I thought you said they weren't gonna work out, jackass?" Bada whisper yelled at Howl, hitting him in the shoulder. Though he can't even find the time to register the pain before all they can hear is the sound of the bed creeks against the wall. "They shouldn't have, I mean, they don't have anything in common. What the fuck does she has that we don't?" "We are telling her tomorrow, I don't care what we have to do but she is gonna know. We can't go on like this. It's supposed to be the three of us, ok?" Howl says while grabbing Bada's cheeks, looking into her eyes for reassurance. She nods along.

"Y-yes... shit.... right there.... ughhh... fuck me...". Bada turns to looks at the door with a sour expression, "but let's go, I refuse to listen to this shit any longer. Not when we can obviously make her moan way louder then that." Howl just smiles for a moment and nods, "exactly baby let's not feed into negatively. She will be ours by tomorrow night."

(See, I know yall are waiting on the mommy duties part 2 fic, but I just got sick as fuck and I feel like garbage. But I don't want yall to think I'm one of those writers that's coming up with a new excuse every week, so I will try my best to work on it, babes. Now tell me if yall feel like roommate pt.2 would be a good idea or nah?)

[time-travelling-chaos]

There is a nice parallel to be made between the good omens kiss and the in stars and time one. (And also I've you've only seen/played one of them, go have a look at the other, it's worth it, both are really great and with great queer reps)

Ok so first of all, the obvious one (except for the fact that it is a queer kiss), the posture, with one of the characters grabbing the other one to kiss him. And along with it the fact that it wasn't fully consensual for any of these for the character being kissed. (And of course, both of them broke my heart)

The character dynamic here is interesting as well. In this context I find Crowley and Siffrin to be quite similar (while in other circumstances I could find more similarities between Siffrin and Aziraphale). They are both desperate, and lost, and they both struggle to express their feelings.

But also they are both the one to have more freedom than their partner. It is quite obvious between Isabeau and Siffrin. Siffrin is the only one aware of the time loop, Isabeau is... repeating. He has no awarness of the situation and doesn't have any power over it. On the other hand, Aziraphale's situation is not that desperate. He knows what is happening, and he has some power over it (how much, we don't know yet) but je doesn't have a choice either. He cannot tell no to Heaven, not without putting himself and Crowley in danger. So this leaves Crowley and Siffrin the only ones able to (relatively) act freely, even if they don't have much control either.

And both of them are terrified and confused, and sad.

Because of that, the kiss is done for the bad reason, it is not a kiss of love (not that love is not present but it is not the main purpose of the kiss). Here, the kiss is a desperate one, tant is made in a tentative to change thing, to get control over the situation. Siffrin is desperate for a change, to experience something new, and to stop repeating the same things again and again. Crowley is desperate to not lose Aziraphale once more. And none of them have been able to express their feelings fully before, despote trying. So it is an awful kiss, showing despair and the characters losing hope and trying to regain control over circumstances that are starting to escape them.

But also, I think the most important point here, is that whether we are talking about Aziraphale/Crowley or Isabeau/Siffrin, they love each other. And that is not enough at the moment. Love cannot fix everything. And it isn't the good time for any of them. Before they are able to develop their relationship, they need to solve the things going on in the world, because otherwise they won't be able to be together safely (for A/C) or at all (for I/S and maybe A/C as well).

And of course, it doesn't end well. With the 'I forgive you' from Aziraphale and Isabeau pushing Siffrin away (which is a normal reaction here for both of them, even if it hurts them). Then, the characters go their separate way, with Crowley leaving the bookshop and Aziraphale going to Heaven, and Siffrin looping back.

But if love cannot fix everything, this kiss doesn't destroy every chance of a relation either. Isabeau and Siffrin are able to heal, and to end up in a situation where they are safe, and finally able to express their feelings for each other and to forgive each other.

And it will be the same for Aziraphale and Crowley, given a little more time.

[sideprince]

I don't know if you have already answered this question: is there something in Snape's life that you wanted to see in The Price's Tale? For example, I think we deserved more information about "the prank".

I haven't yet! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this ask...

There are definitely moments I wish had been included in The Prince's Tale, but I feel like it's difficult to separate what's in it/what's missing from it from Rowling's own issues as a writer and the way they intersect with Snape's story, or rather, how she tells it. Namely, her issues around writing women and her lack of research and minimal understanding of radicalization and fascist movements. Not to be a downer, because I feel like this is a very fun ask that's probably more about having curiosity around the character of Snape and playing around with what may have been there that we didn't see, but I can't help feeling that those moments are missing often because of what Rowling herself was overlooking or not thinking of.

I wish there were moments between him and Lily that showed us why they were best friends. It can't just be because they were the only magical kids in Cokeworth. There isn't one scene we see between them where Lily is affectionate or their mutual chemistry is apparent, not even a wry smile. The closest scene is when they're laying in the grass by the river as kids and Lily is asking him about the magical world. We understand through Snape's memories that he had a great deal of love for Lily, but it's not really apparent why. Rowling's issues with writing women as fully developed, interesting characters gets in the way, and although we're told they were close friends, we're never shown it. I'd have loved to see a moment or two where we see why they clicked. It could have been woven into the existing story as simply as the two of them exchanging a wordless criticism with just a shared look in the compartment on the Hogwarts Express when James and Sirius were being mean.

But it could also have been something more meaningful - after all, these are Snape's final thoughts, the most important moments of his life that connect to the information he needs to convey to Harry. Maybe a birthday gift Lily gave him, something small, a book she bought that she saved up her allowance for, and the impact on Snape of her putting thought and effort into it. I honestly would have loved something even as simple as just seeing Lily's humor and Snape's - not just him smiling when she says his name, but the two of them laughing freely. The tragedy of that lost friendship would have hit even more if we had seen a mutual affection, an understanding between two best friends, and an innocence that was consumed by a war and their separation into rival houses.

I also wish we had seen any of Snape's home life. We get the impression that he didn't like to talk about it too much and that Lily may not have quite understood how bad it was (given that Rowling has said that Snape's dad beat him with a belt, and the only reference to his home life we see is Lily asking if his parents have stopped arguing, plus the glimpse of them doing just that when Harry breaks into Snape's mind in OOtP). We have a couple of allusions to Snape's relationship with his mother:

He knows a fair bit about the wizarding world, including about dementors and Azkaban, what to expect at Hogwarts, and the Statute of Secrecy. Presumably, as there don't seem to be other wizards in Cokeworth, his mother has told him about these things. Either that or he overheard her talking to someone else/read her letters to someone/found information on it among her things (like wherever she kept her textbooks that he would inherit).

When Lily asks him, “Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?” Snape hesitates before replying no. This implies that he's aware of pureblood bias in the wizarding world, and is making a decision about how much of his knowledge to share with Lily, or perhaps about his own stance on it. (There's something lovely in his perceiving her insecurity and choosing to shield her from knowledge that would exacerbate it.)

On the train platform, Eileen is described as, “thin, sallow-faced, sour-looking” as well as greatly resembling Severus.

This isn't much to go on, but we can reasonably infer a complicated relationship, and a woman who is emotionally closed off and/or judgmental. She's a wizard who dresses her son in hand-me-downs so either she's not very good at transfiguration or she doesn't care about him enough to allow him the basic dignity of clothes that fit and make him comfortable. I would have loved to have seen a moment or two in Snape's memories that show his relationship with his parents, and they could have been a good opportunity to also show his (possibly codependent?) relationship with Lily as he goes to her for comfort after. I don't think she would have consciously offered him any, but rather that she was a way for him to escape his home life and convince himself that he was fine. His closed-off response when Lily asks him if his parents are still fighting implies that the subject has come up before, but also that Lily doesn't understand how bad the situation is and Snape doesn't want her to (which makes sense, most abused children don't realize how abnormal and extreme their experiences are - we accept the norms we're presented with). There could have even been something as simple as Snape showing him mom a new bit of magic he learned to do and her trying to suppress it in him lest his father see and get upset, and him then showing his new skill to Lily who appreciates it and tries to learn it. This is just an example, but it would have shown a tense dynamic at home in which Eileen prioritizes not angering Tobias to protect Severus, who as a child would only perceive a kind of rejection that he seeks Lily out to replace with validation. This would make sense in the dynamic Rowling set up, and is more complex and interesting than his "greedy" looks and Lily's questions about the wizarding world.

(Before I move on from the Snape and Lily childhood moments, I also want to say, I really don't like Rowling's use of the word "greedy" in The Prince's Tale. It feels aggressive and judgmental, and also out of place in describing a child who lives in abject poverty. My assumption is that what she meant was more of a hunger in Snape's face, or perhaps a determined ambition to get to know Lily, which would align with how his personality is otherwise written.)

The other thing I would have loved to see more of is his Death Eater arc. The whole point of Snape giving these memories to Harry is to explain himself, and convince him to listen to Dumbledore's instructions at the end (which, btw, Dumbledore's portrait could have done, but we all love a bit of drama, so fair). The idea that Snape defected from the DEs only because Lily's life was threatened feels like a weak character motivation and is one of the many ways that Rowling illustrates her naivete and lack of understanding of fascist movements, their use of radicalization as a tool to prey on vulnerable people, and their cult-like dynamics (and that's probably why she fell victim to radicalization herself). I've written a little bit about it before (please don't make me find the link), but I think that Voldemort's going after Lily wasn't the catalyst in Snape's defection, but the final thread that snapped.

When he and Lily argue outside Gryffindor Tower after SWM he doesn't deny it when she accuses him of wanting to be a Death Eater, but he also doesn't own it. He doesn't take pride in it and try to convince her that if only she understood what he does, she would get it. By that point he's been established as an ambitious boy who knew what house he wanted to be sorted in even before starting school - when Lily is sorted into Gryffindor, Snape is sorted into Slytherin so quickly that it's clear he hadn't even considered changing his mind in order to follow Lily. He scoffs at James on the train when he says he wants to be a Gryffindor. It can therefore be assumed that Snape isn't refraining from arguing with Lily because he's deferring to her opinion or trying to appease her. While an argument could be made that he lost his confidence through years of bullying by that night outside Gryffindor Tower, I think that, if anything, that would have made him feel an even stronger need to identify with a group like the aspiring DEs in Slytherin. There's also a bit of a disconnect between the way Lily refers to him and his friends wanting to join Voldemort and be DEs, and no one having come to Snape's defense that afternoon, not even from his own house.

And while this has veered off a bit into meta, my point is: Snape's experiences of becoming a Death Eater and eventually defecting seem complex and I would have loved to have been shown more of it. It would have been a useful thing to convey to Harry as well. Was there a moment when he became disillusioned? Was there a moment when he started feeling shame? Maybe he thought, as someone who had been bullied for years and abused at home, that once he was on the other side of that experience and in a position of power over someone else, he would feel confident and secure and safe. Maybe the first time he experienced being in that position, he instead felt pity and shame and it was like having the rug pulled out from under him. Revenge is never as satisfying as you think it will be, and something either happened to Snape, or was maybe always there, to make him choose to treat Sirius humanely at the end of PoA and hand him over to the authorities instead of using the excuse to wreak vengeance on him firsthand. I'd have loved to see moments that show us his growth as a person - profound realizations in volatile circumstances that prompted him to find a way out from Voldemort's ranks, and maybe a glimpse of how dangerous that way out was.

Rowling held so much back about Snape - a complex, grey, nuanced character - in order to drop this big reveal about him and Lily at the end of DH. When she finally told his story, all of it was focused around Lily, a character who wasn't developed and who we only see being reactive. The veil is lifted on Snape but only enough to show that he had a deep love for Lily (who, by the way, I think he would have referred to as Lily Evans even after her death, not Potter, and I will fight Rowling on this but then I'd fight her on a lot of much more important things so that's not saying much). We still don't find out much about Snape's life, background, or experiences, and even less about Lily. I wish there had been a lot more to The Prince's Tale than "sorry kid, I did it all for your mom because of my guilt in failing her as a friend." It's one of those moments that feels exciting when you first read it, but the potential to build it out into something that improves on re-reading the books was kind of lost.

And yes! We absolutely deserved more information about the prank! Could have been great to see Lupin bully Snape actively before it, and compare it to his lack of involvement in SWM. Could have been fascinating to see the dynamic between him and James as the latter tries to pull him back, or even the moment in Dumbledore's office where he's told to keep quiet, and how that moment contributed to his radicalization! Harry spends most of DH processing and questioning his relationship with Dumbledore and learning about him, and seeing Snape have a similar experience from the opposite direction would have been fantastic. Ie. where Harry venerates Dumbledore until DH when he begins to doubt him, Snape doubts Dumbledore and grows to trust and respect him over time. I'm sure there's more that I could think of, but this answer is already incredibly long so I'll leave it here for now.

[loki-is-my-kink-awakening]

I wanted to talk about Extraordinary Things and the Geraskier and Radskier elements in the song.

Forgive me if this has been done or is rather obvious. This is just me musing over the lyrics.

Keep your words on ice

Your gaze lights the fire

How many campfires did this happen? Jaskier doing his best to drag even a few words from Geralt while the witcher glares at the fire as if his eyes are stoking the flame.

But eyes of fire really speak of Radovid, too. He may speak more than Geralt did when Jaskier first met him, but there's a lot he doesn't say in words that he says in his eyes.

They say, "Keep on playing nice"

But I have no desire

Jaskier cannot be contained. It's why I love him. He will not be forced into a box. He contains multitudes.

But these lines speak of struggle. Jaskier could be at court if he wanted to, he's a viscount, but he has no desire to be that person. He needs the freedom of the wild.

And the two people that represent this struggle are Radovid (a life at court) and Geralt (freedom/out in the wild). It's kinda obvious who Jaskier is going to choose even without considering what Joey said in interviews (that Jaskier will have a choice, but it isn't a choice for him, he will always choose his found family).

Jaskier has no desire to stay at court, even for love.

Why waste our words

When lips were made for extraordinary things

Jaskier can talk. He can express himself in his songs and with words. But there's some things that can only be truly communicated through a kiss.

And let's face it, Jaskier has waited so long to communicate his feelings for Geralt. He wouldn't waste words any longer, he'd want to show his feelings.

It also links to the later lyrics of unspoken words between them.

With Radovid, there isn't any need to talk because it becomes clear how he feels about Jaskier through singing his song.

But also there is so much they cannot discuss because Jaskier needs to protect his found family.

Kissing Radovid is safer. Jaskier can communicate his feelings that way and can feel Radovid's feelings for him in deeds, not words.

It's not a want, it's a need

It is paying no heed to what others say to sing

Jaskier has never paid any heed to what others said of his songs or singing. But that is also a mask to protect himself.

Geralt told him not to write any songs about him. Jaskier did it anyway.

There's probably others who have told Jaskier not to write songs about them or Geralt that I've forgotten.

But "it's not a want, it's a need" is just so evocative of his heart the love he gives freely, and of him letting his creativity flow through him.

That creativity is something Radovid greatly admires. And I think Radovid also wants to play no heed to what others want him to do; he just isn't as free as Jaskier (the pretty songbird).

Ultimately, what Jaskier really wants is for someone to see him, like he sees others, and for that person to still have a visceral want for him once seeing him.

People have wanted him, his body, his time, his usefulness. Loved ones have finally accepted him as a friend and family member. No one yet has wanted all of him, the magnitudes he contains, the bad parts and the good, the real him. Mainly because he's never had someone pierce his armour.

And if Radovid is using Jaskier I swear to the gods I will rain merry hell on him.

The greatest songs are made up of unspoken words of love

Of them I have had enough

All of Jaskier’s songs contain some element of his love for Geralt. He is his muse, after all.

We all know Her Sweet Kiss and Burn, Butcher, Burn contain it most obviously.

And it's interesting here that we get Jaskier saying he's had enough of writing his love for Geralt. There's only so much you can continue to pour out and not get anything back.

And so, Jaskier has decided that his love for Geralt is platonic as a way to protect himself. If he's not wanting, he can't be hurt.

But we all know when Jaskier said that his love for Geralt is platonic, that it is a lie he is telling himself. Vespula wasn't fooled.

But it's interesting that we clearly see Jaskier longing for the real love he craves in these lyrics. And I don't want to take away the amazing aromatic headcanon for Jaskier or Geraskier having a queen platonic relationship, but there is a longing that is unfulfilled, whatever way you interpret that to be.

That longing can be fulfilled with Radovid.

With you, I have enough

With you, I am enough

I am enough

Again, I see Jaskier saying he is enough with Geralt just to be his friend. After all his years struggling to be his friend and also wanting more, it's interesting to see this friendship now settled as soon as Jaskier stops seeking more.

And a big part of that change between them has to be down to Geralt becoming a father and learning to open his heart to caring about those around him.

But with Radovid, Jaskier gets to be vulnerable, properly vulnerable with his heart. He does feel enough in Radovid's eyes, and that is truly for the first time.

Vespula knows Jaskier, but he doesn't let himself be truly vulnerable with his heart there. He lies about his feelings for Geralt to her (and himself). He gives his body, but does he give his heart? I would say no. They are close in many ways, but not emotionally, not in vulnerability.

Drop the sweet disguise

Your heart's beating too loud

The fairy tales and little lies can't drown out all the sound

We all know about Geralt's disguise: that witchers don't need no one or that they don't have feelings. In S3, we see this façade lift. Geralt shows his true self to Ciri as her father, Jaskier as his friend, and Yennefer as a partner when he forgives her.

Radovid wears a disguise. He's the drunk fool to those who cannot see it. But Jaskier can, because Jaskier also wears a disguise, something Joey commented on in at least one interview.

And I feel like this disguise is definitely shown on screen when Jaskier is with Vespula. He has feelings for her, obviously strong ones, but they aren't the same as his feelings for Geralt or Radovid.

He definitely tells Vespula more than he tells his other lovers. But Vespula isn't looking for Jaskier to be "the only one" for her. She is still pretty switched on about Jaskier’s heart.

So take this heart

And break this heart

For extraordinary things

Geralt has broken Jaskier's heart already. And now Jaskier seems to be settled into the role of friend with his "platonic" love.

And Geralt is an extraordinary thing to Jaskier. Nothing will take that away, not even heartbreak.

But the thing is, Jaskier isn't ready to give his heart truly to Geralt completely. In pieces, yes. The clear barrier of "He's my friend, that's it" has been set (for now).

But with Radovid we see Jaskier let go of his mask, drop down his armour and allow Radovid in. It could very well break his heart, but that won't stop him from loving Radovid.

He has become an extraordinary thing to Jaskier.

For all the years we have watched Jaskier longing, to finally see him with someone is amazing. I don't want his heart broken, but I know we have to accept that it's going to happen.

And here, for the first time since The Mountain, we have Jaskier willing to have it broken again.

Because without taking a chance on being fulfilled and happy, what are we?

Thanks for reading.

[linagram]

[ 𝙸𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚣𝚞 𝚂𝚑𝚞𝚗'𝚜 𝚃𝟹 𝚅𝙳 ] 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝙼𝚞𝚌𝚑, 𝚁𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝙻𝚒𝚝𝚝𝚕𝚎

it's time to judge the second pair! i really like this vd title since it's a reference to shun's first vd.. kinda cool..

just like in aimi's case, i have no idea what verdict shun will get this time. i feel like he still kinda deserves a guilty verdict, but i also think his mv shows him in a much more innocent light so who knows, maybe he'll get forgiven this time!

Warnings for Shun's VD: None

Warnings for Shun's MV: themes of memory loss and dissociation, toxic family dynamics.

(the door opens)

Miki: Um.. 

Miki: Hello, Ishizu-san. How are you feeling?

Shun: ...

Hinode: *whispers* Yeah, I don't think he's feeling well, haha..

Shun: .. You know I can hear you, right?

Shun: My memory is terrible, sure, but my hearing is still fine.

Miki and Hinode: ...

Miki: A-apologies. Let's get started then.

(sounds of Miki and Hinode sitting down)

Miki: So, Ishizu-san.. Um..

Miki: "I-I don't even know what to ask.. How can I even talk to someone who's in a condition as bad as this?"

Miki: *takes a deep breath*

Miki: "It's fine. I had to interrogate Miyagawa-san and Kei-san after they got punished by Eiji-san. It's fine."

Miki: "But really, I thought Hinode-san would be more.. tactful, maybe? Especially considering his own struggles.."

Miki: Again, how are you feeling? Are you getting better?

Shun: .. W-well, I thought I was getting better until I got punished by you two.

Shun: Oh, sorry, that's not the right word.. "Betrayed" fits better than "punished".

Miki: "Betrayed"?

Shun:*laughs* .. Do I have to jog your memory, Guard 002-san?

Shun: You voted me innocent last time. I remember that well.

Shun: I was doing fine. Great even. My memory started to get better. I felt like I could finally.. I don't know.. express myself better? More freely, maybe? 

Shun: It became easier for me to talk to people. I started to feel more confident. I started to feel like maybe I don't need to prove myself to anyone, I don't need to become better, I don't need to pretend like I'm better than I actually am.

Shun: And then.. You took all that away from me.

Shun: And I just want to know.. Why?

Shun: Did I do something wrong?

Miki: .. You were quite happy to find out that you can touch Eiji-san. 

Miki: You even.. threatened him, basically.

Shun: Is that it? Is that the only reason?

Shun: Of course, maybe that's just my brain being weird, but if I remember correctly, you were supposed to judge me based on my crime.

Shun: A-and how can you even compare me simply teasing him and what you did to me-

Miki: And what would you do to him if you got more freedom, Ishizu-san?

Shun: .. Huh?

Miki: If I didn't stop you, what would you do to Eiji-san?

Shun: ...

Miki: Why were you so happy to realize that you can touch him? Were you going to use that to your advantage?

Shun: ...

Miki: That's what I thought.

Miki: And how exactly could we vote you innocent after that? 

Shun: .. You promised you will vote all of us innocent, Guard 002-san. 

Miki: Oh, so you remembered that?

Miki: *sighs* It's a promise that can never be fulfilled. Sorry.

Shun: .. But why would you punish me like that?

Shun: I-I'd be okay with getting beaten up. Or.. I don't know.. You could take my another eye. 

Shun: W-why would you go for my memory? 

Shun: Are you.. N-no way..

Shun: Last time, Eiji-san went for t-that boy's head, and he was the smartest one.. A-and Kei-san was very proud of his looks and body, so Eiji-san left him with all kinds of scars and injuries on his whole body..

Shun: .. N-no.. *stands up*

Hinode: Shun-san, all guilty prisoners got punished in the same way. It's not about you-

Shun: DO YOU THINK I WILL BELIEVE THAT?!

Shun: YOU COULD DO ANYTHING, LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE TO ME, BUT YOU WENT FOR MY BRAIN! 

Shun: AND YOU DID IT RIGHT WHEN I WAS FINALLY RECOVERING! 

Shun: YOU ALL.. YOU ALL ARE MONSTERS!

Shun: I CAN SEE YOU MOVING YOUR ARM-

Shun: ...

Shun: .. I feel kind of dizzy..

(sounds of Shun sitting down)

Miki: "Looks like Hinode-san used the memory machine.."

Miki: "I really didn't want to use them again, but if the guilty prisoners continue to act like this.."

Miki:".. Maybe I should be prepared."

Hinode: Shun-san, do you remember where you are right now?

Shun: .. I-Is this my cell?

Shun: W-wait, what are you two doing here-

Shun: (to Hinode) A-and who are you?

Hinode: Everything is okay. I'm just another guard and we're currently interrogating you.

Hinode: We'll ask a few questions about your crime, if that's alright.

Shun: W-what crime?.. I-I've told you everything I remember about it!

Hinode: Shun-san, do you remember how many people you've killed?

Shun: W-what kind of question is that?! A-and I've already told you that it was only one person!

Shun: I just wanted to protect someone I loved! How many times do I have to repeat it?!

Miki: .. Ishizu-san, if that's okay, can I ask you something about your ex-girlfriend?

Shun: U-uh.. S-sure, I guess.

Miki: Do you remember her name? You've mentioned her so many times, but you've never told us her name.

Hinode: True.. You must remember her name, if you loved her so much, right?

Shun: .. W-well, I don't really care about her anymore, so-

Hinode: If you don't care about her anymore, would you say there was no point in committing your murder?

Shun: O-of course there was! I just wanted to save her from the guy she started to date!

Hinode: But did you manage to win her over after that? 

Shun: ...

Hinode: Do you remember what happened after you murdered her new boyfriend?

Miki: Hold on.. Ishizu-san, didn't you say she was there when you murdered him?

Shun: U-uh.. S-she..

Shun: I-I.. I don't..

Hinode: Please, try to remember it. Your final verdict depends on it.

Shun: S-she.. I think she..

Hinode: Okay, let's try to think about it like this. If she was there, how do you think she would have reacted?

Hinode: Would she be happy that her new boyfriend is gone? Would she be sad? Would she be terrified? 

Shun: .. No idea.

Shun: H-how am I supposed to know all that about her?

Hinode: .. If you had dated her for a while, you would probably know what kind of person she is.

Shun: ...

Shun: .. Haha..

Shun: .. Are you implying that we never were a couple?

Hinode: I don't know. Were you a couple?

Shun: .. I-Inaba Hina. 

Shun: S-she was 21. A university student, psychology major..

Shun: A-also had a part-time job as a babysitter.

Shun: I-I remember typing something like that in my notes app..

Hinode: .. Why would you type something like that there if she was your girlfriend?

Shun: .. Y-you aren't supposed to do that?

Hinode: I'm just curious why you were collecting information about her like that. What was that for? Wouldn't you just know about it if you two were dating?

Shun: .. I-I thought it was a normal thing-

Hinode: Let's think about it like this. Shun-san, you like Eiko-san, right?

Shun: Y-yes! I like her a lot, haha..

Hinode: Have you been trying to find more information about her? Maybe you wrote it down somewhere?

Shun: No?.. She just tells me about it if she wants and I try my best to remember-

Shun:  .. Ahaha..

Shun: I see.. B-but if she-

Shun: ...

Miki: Did you remember something, Ishizu-san-

Shun: .. "Who the hell are you".

Miki: Huh-

Shun: That's.. the only thing I remember her saying.

Shun: I-I can't even remember her calling me by my name.

Shun: N-no.. No, we were a couple, right? She loved me, right?

Shun: Because i-if we weren't..

Shun: .. Haha.. T-there was no point in committing my murder after all..

Shun: ...

Shun: .. Oh.

Miki: Did you remember-

Shun: I did remember something.

Shun: .. If me and.. that person actually weren't a couple and I killed her boyfriend who.. wasn't my rival at all..

Shun: .. She probably would've been really mad at me.

Hinode: I-I can imagine that, haha..

Hinode: So.. What did you do after that?

Shun: .. Probably killed her, honestly.

Miki and Hinode: !

Miki: "HE JUST ADMITTED IT LIKE THAT?!"

Shun: I mean, I can't imagine myself doing anything else. I probably panicked and killed her. Or got mad at her too.

Miki: .. So you admit that you probably had two victims?

Shun: .. I'm just guessing.

Miki: .. Can I ask you why you got so.. focused on love and dating and all that?

Miki: Like.. if she really never was her girlfriend, why would you think-

Shun: Family stuff.

Miki: Huh? What do you mean?

Shun: They.. really wanted me to find someone already.

Hinode: And.. were you interested in "finding someone"?

Shun: .. I think I was. 

Shun: And I think I've already found her.

Shun: I thought Kei-san was also the one, but.. I was wrong.

Shun: B-but even if you two betray me again, I can just rely on Eiko-san for everything.

(bell rings, machinery sounds)

Miki: Ishizu-san.. Are you ready for your final verdict?

Shun: .. I just want this to end.

Shun: I want to get out of here. I want to start a new life with Eiko-san.

Shun: I-I really want to make her happy, you know? Like, I-I want us to live together, I want us to get married and everything..

Shun: I even came up with names for our future children recently, haha..

Miki: You did what-

Shun: But Guard 002-san.. 

Shun: (to Hinode) And, uh.. Guard 001-san?

Hinode: T-that's not my number-

Shun: Please, don't betray Eiko-san again, okay?

Shun: Don't take her away from me. I love her. A lot.

Shun: S-so if you punish her again.. Just execute us together or something.. 

Shun: Maybe this way we can die and be reborn together, haha..

Hinode: But Shun-san.. Does Eiko-san love you back? Or is this just another one-sided situation?

Shun: ...

Miki: "You really shouldn't have asked him that, Hinode-san."

Shun: .. So you're not Guard 001-san?.. What's your number then?

Hinode: Ah, I'm the third guard. Nice to meet you.

Shun: .. Oh.

Shun: Then can you please tell me..

Shun: Who is "Eiji-kun"? Is he the first guard?

Miki: *whispering* Hinode-san, don't tell him-

Hinode: That's right! Sanada Eiji-san is the first guard and-

Shun: Oh, so that's who I need to kill!

Miki and Hinode: ...

Shun: Thank you for reminding me! Haha, she just keeps rambling about him.. It's kinda annoying..

Shun: I love her a lot, but I just can't let her ruin our future, you know? I mean, it sounds too perfect for it not to become a reality-

Miki: *whispering* Hinode-san, grab the memory machine.

Miki: Prisoner 003, Shun, quick, sing your sins! 

42% ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░░░░░░░░░░░░ 100%

[ Shun's Trial 3 MV: ??? ]

The video starts with showing us a fancy-looking dining room in mostly dark shades of red and gold. Shun is having dinner with his parents, however, his parents are dressed up for the occasion meanwhile Shun is still wearing his usual outfit, which means yes, he's wearing an anime girl hoodie. Both of his parents stop to look at him as Shun isn't paying any attention to them and is only looking at his phone. He is also eating with his hands, not looking away from his phone even for a second. His parents look at him with disgust and when Shun notices, he falls down on the floor and doesn't even try to get up. 

"Who are you two? I don't want to remember

All the promises, all the lies like 

"I'll be a good son, I'll be a good husband, I'll be a good father, I'll be a good person"

How can I promise something if I can't even remember my own name?"

As he's lying on the floor, he hears his parents laugh and gets up for a moment and sees that now a different Shun has taken his place. This Shun looks much better than him: he's obviously taking better care of his appearance, he isn't afraid to look his parents in the eyes, he's smiling and laughing and he seems to be much better job at doing social stuff. 

"Who are you? I don't want to remember 

My soul, my memories, my love, my body

My identity, my everything and more

YOU'RE ME"

And then, suddenly, someone else walks into the room and the other Shun stands up and walks over to that person. The original Shun stands up and freezes when he sees who that person is. 

It's Hina, in a beautiful red dress, looking at the other Shun with nothing but love in her eyes. He invites her to dance. She agrees.

"This woman over here, her name is My Love

Or something like that, well, who cares

I just know that I love her

So let us spend the rest of our days together, sharing our joys and sorrows"

Shun's parents look proud as they watch them dance meanwhile the original Shun looks shocked. He drops his phone and the setting changes, it looks like some kind of street and it's dark outside.

Now we can see his phone lying on the ground and someone picking it up. That someone turns out to be Hina and she smiles awkwardly and hands it to him. The original Shun can't stop looking at her, he starts blushing and his hands are visibly sweating. 

"She's the only one who I can trust

She's the only one who can save me 

She's the only one who I can love

She's the only one who I'm allowed to love"

But right when he finally takes the phone, the setting changes again and now he's in his room. He's sitting on his bed, looking like an even bigger mess than before, staring at his phone screen and going through his gallery.

A photo of Hina on a walk. A photo of Hina with her little brother. A photo of Hina with her new boyfriend. A photo of younger Shun. Huh?.. No, that's not right. Another photo of younger Shun in his high school uniform. A photo of younger Shun with his parents. Both his parents have rather serious face expressions meanwhile Shun himself looks uncomfortable and he clearly wants to leave. 

"What's the point in remembering?

What's the point in keeping those memories?

What's the point in me listening to you?

Was I ever supposed to listen to you?"

Shun keeps looking at that photo and images of Hina picking up his phone and him having dinner with his parents start to flash. Shun gets sick of it and he drops his phone again, but this time on purpose, and he breaks it. 

"LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

I don't remember the meaning of this word

Why was I supposed to love? Who was I supposed to love?

Is it even okay for me to love somebody?"

He leaves his room, almost tripping because of all the trash on the floor, and runs to the exit. We can see just how dirty his apartment is while he does so. 

"It's a crime for me to be in love, so I'll play it safe

No more heartbreaks, no more lying to myself

I'm ready to live a happy loveless life 

So please, just forgive me already!"

But right as he opens the door, he ends up in that dining room again. Shun gets scared, but he still walks in. He sees the other Shun talking to someone, smiling and eating, but the original Shun doesn't see his parents anywhere. He walks closer. The other Shun notices him and smiles at him, and when he does so, the original one stops walking and looks at him in horror. 

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Don't steal the love I've earned and worked for

"Who are you?" "I'm you, but better"

But why would someone like you even exist?"

The other Shun still smiles, but now, the screen starts glitching and we can see that it's Hina and her new boyfriend who are sitting next to him. 

"Why can't I remember you? Why do you remember me?

Why do you remember them? I don't remember them

My brain, it hurts, it hurts, hurts so much, what was this song about?

Ah, I think I remember"

Except, when the screen glitches again, we can see Hina and her boyfriend's headless bodies sitting next to the other Shun and the other Shun is still smiling with lots of blood on his lips. 

"Your original sin was consuming all this love and leaving me with nothing

My original sin was being born a loser not worthy of love"

The screen glitches for the last time. Everything goes black. There's a message on the screen.

"Do you accept that you're nothing but a failure and your life is worthless?

- Yes

- Yes"

The cursor doesn't click on anything. The screen starts shaking and we can hear Shun taking a breath. The message disappears. The video ends.

[valraelo]

Characters: Lillandlas (thalmor oc), Araelo (oc), (mentioned) Valrandil (oc)

Warnings: Fictional racism

It hadn't been easy for Araelo to get used to thalmor presence in his home but he didn't have any choice on whether they stayed or not, so then his only option was to deal with it.

He had smelled it on one of the two invaders as soon as they had been in the same room as him, he smelled of beast, and, while he did think this would have meant war between him and the justiciar, the little smiles he had been blessed with whenever they had been near each other had told him that perhaps he could find a pack mate in him, rather than a foe.

They never properly spoke, he was always either with his companion or with Valrandil, and he dare not reveal someone else's beast blood to others around him in case they might not be aware of it already, he could not possibly betray one of his own in that manner.

It was on a beautiful sunny day that he finally saw the chance to speak to him, as he saw him lying on the grass outside, near the lake, basking in the sun in his birthday suit. He wasn't sure if he would shoo him away considering the condition he was in, but he thought it was best to give it a shot while he had an opportunity.

His skin was a beautiful golden colour, which of course is the norm for altmer, but his was especially golden; his hair though did not share the same colour, being a white purer than his own hair. His face was shaved but the rest of his body was incredibly hairy, certainly a lot more than Valrandil's. When one looked at him compared to others it was very clear he had beast blood in him.

He approached the altmer carefully and, once he felt he was close enough, he cleared his throat to make his presence known.

The thalmor placed a hand over his eyes, shielding them from the sun, and turned to look at him.

"Ah, the big bad wolf, so nice to get to talk with you. Do sit down."

And with that he closed his eyes again and rested his arm behind his head.

Araelo did as he was told.

"My name is Araelo." He introduced himself.

"Lillandlas, but you must have already heard the others say it."

He had, Lillandlas' name had been said much more than his own, in fact there wasn't a single time that he had been called by his name, always being referred to as “the bosmer”.

“I had no idea Valrandil was friends with the thalmor.”

He tried to be careful with his words, not wanting to sound like he was upset about this.

“He's more friends with my colleague than me, I just tag along.”

His tone was light hearted, he didn't seem bothered.

“How come you're visiting for so long?”

“There aren't many places where we can express ourselves so freely.” “Is this about your beast blood or you being lovers?”

Araelo only realised what he had said after it had slipped from his lips, Lillandlas and his colleague had not spoken openly about anything regarding their love lives, he was being incredibly rude with his question and he just hadn't noticed before it came out of his mouth.

Lillandlas laughed at his question.

“Of course you would know what we are, you can smell my blood and you can smell our sweat and semen, I can't keep any secrets from you.” He smiled fondly at Araelo, squinting as the sun was in his eyes.

“It's about both those things and my nudism, which I'm surprised you didn't mention in your list.”

“I'm sorry for bringing it up--your love life.” He tried to apologise, of course Lillandlas didn't seem upset but it was still in his best interest to not mess things up with him.

“It's okay, everyone essentially knows, we simply can't discuss it openly. It would interfere with our job.”

“Ah, that makes sense.”

“Is there something between you and Valrandil?”

Lillandlas certainly seemed comfortable, asking such questions, though Araelo had asked for it by starting the topic.

“If you asked him, he would say no.”

“And if I asked you?”

He pressed.

“I would have to say no too, I suppose. Valrandil will never show me his love, I am only a pest to him.”

“I didn't think so, he treats you like filth, but it is curious how he allows you to sleep in his home. Are you more of a servant?”

Araelo thought about it, was he a servant? Did he do anything around the house?

“I'm entertainment.”

“It's a shame slavery was abolished, you look like you would be very willing to be owned by him.”

Araelo chucked nervously, he didn't like where the conversation was headed.

He tried thinking of a new topic, he quickly asked the first question that came to mind.

"Do you feel no guilt having to murder people?"

It was a very sudden and bold question to ask, he briefly regretted it, worrying that Lillandlas might have a negative reaction to it.

"It's an execution, I'm simply enforcing the law."

His tone seemed completely calm, there was no trace of anger in it, and so he felt comfortable pressing for more.

"But it must feel bad to some extent, taking someone else's life just like that."

"Do you feel bad when you take a life?"

Araelo was taken aback by the question, it felt like an incredibly disrespectful one, though perhaps his own questions had been no less bad.

"Why are you assuming I have done that?" "You are a beast too, and none of us have gone without taking down prey, I doubt you've starved yourself."

He couldn't possibly be comparing murder to the overwhelming bloodlust one gets in their beast form.

"Well, it is different, I had lost control, I didn't mean to do it."

"Are you from Valenwood?"

Another surprising question, he didn't see what it had to do with anything they had talked about, still he answered it.

"Yes, I was born there." "Was your cannibalism guiltless too, then?"

Araelo furrowed his eyebrows, he didn't like whenever people insinuated he was a cannibal.

"How can you assume I ate people simply because I was born there?" "Is it true?"

Araelo didn't want to dignify such a question with an answer, but he did feel much pressure to do just that, and so he reluctantly answered. "Yes."

It didn't feel good to admit that the stereotype was completely true for him.

"Do you feel guilty for it?" "I always thought it was only food, and that it was what we had to do."

"Then mine were just orders to follow. It is what I have to do.

Lillandlas laid it out right then, clear as day, he was guiltless in his eyes, completely clear of sin, and though Araelo still did not agree with his actions, though he would never openly say so, he felt that that's where the conversation had to end, as the point had been made to him.

There was silence between them for a while until Lillandlas finally broke the silence.

“How well can you control your beast form, Araelo?”

Araelo was surprised at hearing his name coming from Lillandlas' lips, it was a sign of respect he didn't receive on the daily.

“I can turn on command as long as the moon is out, but once I turn I can't go back until morning.”

“Then tonight we are a pack. I will meet you outside the stables when the sun sets, don't make me wait too long.”

Araelo raised his eyebrows. A pack? He had never formed a pack with another person. The thought excited him, the idea seemed wonderful to him.

“I will meet you there.” -Cine

[di-daynamic]

@fluffbruary Bonus

Part 1 of 5

Prompt: Yearning

Telling stories of James and Lily was difficult.

Sirius could readily admit that to himself. But that didn’t matter. What mattered was Harry, and the fact that Harry had been denied this part of himself and his heritage for nearly six years now. So it didn’t matter that even saying his best friend’s name made him feel like he was seventeen again and drowning in sadness and memory.

What mattered was Harry sitting in front of him, Lily’s green eyes shining, wanting in a way he never was.

Getting Harry to tell anyone he wanted something was a bigger task than killing Voldemort. He had been so obviously scarred by the Dursleys in so many ways – but the biggest way, in Sirius’ opinion, was just how insignificant he considered himself.

Remus had told him to be patient, and Sirius wasn’t an idiot. He’d known he had to be.

And Harry had blossomed. He was still cautious, still careful not to ever openly state he wanted something, but he’d grown into the confident young man before him, who smiled freely while looking into his eyes.

“I’ll be fine, Sirius, really,” he was saying.

“You have Hedwig?” Sirius fussed anyway. “And the emergency portkey? And the snack bag? And you’re sure Susan is bringing Bambi?”

“Dad!” Harry laughed, and Sirius felt his heart skip a beat, like at every time Harry called him that. It wasn’t often – only casually emotional moments, but Sirius still loved it, he still treasured every time.

“Do you think my parents are haunting us?” Harry’d asked one day, and Sirius hadn’t been able to breathe for a moment through the pain and the memories, knowing his godson wasn’t asking about actual ghosts - that discussion, painful as it had been, had already taken place.

“I think—” he’d started carefully, knowing he was, for all that he was only twenty-nine and fresh out of Azkaban, one of the only true guides and grown-ups in Harry’s life, “That we can never know that for certain. But if you’re asking if that’s a bad thing, I don’t think it is.”

“Why?” Harry had frowned, swinging his legs, “Muggles always talk about ‘haunting’ like it’s a bad thing.”

Sirius had had many years to contemplate the intricacies of grief and how ephemeral life was, but he didn’t know how to express that other than through wildness - sex, alcohol, cigarettes and recklessness. “I don’t think it can be as obvious as good or bad,” he told the quiet boy finally. “But – we carry their love, their memories along with us on our own lives. And if they’re there, they not only see the bad stuff, but they see the good, they see the best.”

He hoped James and Lily hadn’t seen how their boy had been treated by his so-called blood family. He yearned to know if they thought he was doing a good job raising him.

At least he knew James would’ve never had a problem with Sirius taking on the mantle of ‘dad’. James had always, always wanted the people he loved to be happy, and nothing more or less. As long as both Sirius and Harry were happy, he would’ve been fine with it.

God, and Merlin, and everyone, he yearned for James.

“—eleven years old now. I’m all grown up!” Harry was saying importantly.

Sirius smiled and ruffled his hair. “You sure are, bud. Can’t blame an old man for being cautious, though, can you?”

Harry rolled his eyes. “I know I call you old, Sirius, but you’re only thirty-one. That’s, like, youth for wizards.” He paused. “Okay, maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. Whatever. You’ll take care of Sanju, won’t you?”

“Mooncalves don’t really need caretaking, but yes, you know I will.” Sirius dragged Harry into another hug, telling himself not to cry. Harry wasn’t even on the Express yet, and Sirius already yearned for it to be Christmas.

This type of yearning, though, was much better than others.

“Be careful, okay?” He added quietly. “You know that there are other Noble Houses’ heirs in your year – many children of suspected Death Eaters.”

“I know,” Harry his beloved hooligan of a child was replaced by Harry the rising political and business star for a moment. “I’ll introduce myself to those I haven’t met before. I’ll try to find out the lay of the land before the vote.”

“Don’t forget to have fun, though. Explore the castle. Fly. Make some new friends.  Bask in first-year lessons, they get very hard soon. Just don’t challenge anyone to duels before you’ve gotten used to your wand. Don’t sneak out after curfew alone without telling anyone – someone should always know where you are.”

“I will, promise.” He hesitated, and then in a whisper so faint Sirius could barely catch it, “You’ll write?”

Sirius swallowed, wanting all over again to find and murder the Dursleys. “Of course. Are you kidding? And I want return letters from you at least three times a week. I don’t care what you put in them. Tell me what Ron has been eating, for all I care.”

Harry smirked. “That’d take three parchments at least.” 

The ten-minute warning whistle rang out. Sirius’ heart clenched as he hugged his godson one last time. “I love you, Harry.”

“Love you too, Sirius.” Harry blinked up at him as though he were about to cry. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too, but just wait for it. At Christmas, you’ll be begging me to let you stay.”

Harry laughed. “I know I’ll love Hogwarts, but I promise, nothing will make me want to stay there when I can come home.”

Sirius swallowed. It was all he had yearned for, back in the first hard days when Harry had been so wary and so cold, when trust between them had seemed a hopeless thing. For Harry to consider his place home, and for him to be the kind of child James had been and Sirius and Remus had not: who loved Hogwarts, but never preferred it to their own home.

“Go find Ron, Susan and Neville,” he said. “Leave me to my maudlin musings.”

Harry clicked his tongue. “You are going out with Moony and the Weasleys tonight, right? No musing by yourself?”

“Yes, mother.”

“Harry!” They heard Ron’s voice, and turned to see the ginger boy waving enthusiastically through a window next to a hastily backing away Neville. “C’mon, mate! You’ll miss the train!”

“Coming!” Harry called back, and he turned, grinning brightly, to his godfather. “Bye, Sirius!”

“Bye, Harry.” He said softly, watching him climb onto the train, run to his friends’ compartment and collapse on the seat next to Susan, who was trying to get Bambi to behave. The haughty half-kneazle jumped onto its owner’s lap with a loud purr, and he could see Susan throw her hands up in exasperation.

“Sirius!” He heard Arthur call, and turned.

“Hey, Arthur,” he said. “Boys all aboard?” Ginny gave a sniff, peeking out from behind her father’s legs. “Don’t worry, Ginny, the year’ll fly by and you’ll be the one going to Hogwarts soon enough.”

The girl smiled weakly. “I hope so.”

“Are you okay, Sirius?” Arthur asked in an undertone. “The first time can be hard.”

He watched his godson squabble with his friends, punching Susan on the arm as he laughed. So different from the boy he’d been four years ago, when Sirius had first taken him in.

There would be dangers, he knew that, but he’d equipped Harry to the best of his ability to face them. He knew his godson would not shy away from adventure.

He was, after all, his parents’ son.

The train began to chug and move forward, thick smoke pouring out, and Ginny ran beside it, waving frantically to her brothers with tears running down her face.                                                                        

“Fred, get in the train properly! Ginny, come straight back!” He heard Molly scream, and laughed as he waved to Harry, who pressed his face to the window, grinning and waving back, jostling for a place there with Ron and Susan, who were also waving.

“I reckon we’ll be fine,” he replied to Arthur, feeling the yearning and yet the peace he’d made with it wrap around his heart.

[gayofthefae]

Thinking again about how Mike told El THAT he loved her and WHEN he loved her (the first day, good days, bad days) but never HOW he loved her. And I don't even mean in nature. I mean he never described his feelings like he has before to Will.

And I don't even mean just his feelings FOR Will, I mean any feelings he has described in depth have only been voiced with Will. The things we know to be true deep from his soul we only know because he said them to Will.

Things said to Will by Mike are our most credible source on him as a character. The only things he has described on his love for El in depth this way are how much he misses her, that he sees her when she isn't there sometimes; that he WANTS to love her; and that he feels like he isn't good enough for her in comparison to how heroic and great she is.

But he never told her in all his speech the simple things. He said "I love you everyday, I have for years". And he stated as fact "You can move mountains". He told her loved and he described her. But he never described his love FOR her.

Never "I feel x when I'm around you". Only that he loved her and why she's lovABLE.

One thing about his speech to me is that, unlike when he was ranting in the van about how wonderful she is and how he feels lucky to have met her even if he feels undeserving of it, I didn't feel like he could have gone on. I didn't feel like there was more trapped inside him. It didn't feel like a release of things that had been itching to get out of his mouth. It felt like things he was conjuring up on the spot. However true, it felt like he had to think of them, was saying what she wanted to hear, improvising - as opposed to that true feeling of FINALLY expressing something.

Harbored feelings like what they were supposed to be come out BIG. Not repetitious - something about the pacing too lends itself to this feeling of thinking of new things. Pacing is big in writing and he wasn't ranting like he was before He was *listing*. - Not completely literal or in a sense objective.

Honestly? I want a love confession to feel like word vomit. His felt like brainstorming. Like he was choosing his words. We've HEARD him speak IN THIS CONTEXT and speak more emotionally, like something he's been holding in: a single story with emotional detail I made a separate post about it feeling like he was waiting to share on the tip of his tongue until he spoke in the shed. We've heard him talk freely about HER, to Will in the van.

But to her face he used slightly different words - or, honestly, too similar words. Like he was quoting the good parts of what he had previously said instead of expressing himself. - To her face, he listed things. To her face, he felt *FILTERED*. And a filtered love confession will always be suspicious to me.

Because a *confession* of something hidden implies that it's the deepest truth. And to have a deeper truth and *hide* it implies some level of contradiction or undercutting to the extreme vulnerability. If you're being so vulnerable, go all out. If you've made the choice to sacrifice your own anxieties, which he described to be his barrier before, so the person in front of you knows they're loved, then full commitment to that should be honesty.

If in order to tell someone what they need to hear that you couldn't before, you need to filter yourself rather than throw caution to the wind...something is wrong.

[rudeboiricebran]

on being fired

just over a month ago, a meeting appeared on my calendar for the next day, "Performance Review." Invited to the meeting were my boss (the head of my department), the CTO (ostensibly his boss), and our HR person.

Seeing this caused me to panic. I can feel my pulse spiking as I type this right now. I sent a message to the CTO asking if I was being fired. He asked if I could talk at 4PM.

I showed up at the meeting with him, and he said to wait a second, that others would be joining. I asked if they were just moving the firing up to today; he didn't say anything.

They were. My boss read some canned statement, they told me what the severance terms were, and that that was my last day. I was numb; I had been miserable and I didn't see any point of arguing, so I said ok. 5 minutes after the meeting ended, I no longer had an email address or a slack login.

The extreme suddenness of it all caught me off guard. I knew things had been going poorly, but I figured if it were this bad I would have been warned. I thought the frustration was on my side, but it seems they were sick of hearing about the things preventing me from working effectively.

I flatter myself slightly, but I am _Very_ good at what I do. I work closely with folks in creative departments to express their will thru software; more than that, I build them the tools they need to be self sufficient, not constantly needing to come back to engineering for updates.

But at the company, I was stymied at every turn. I met several times with engineers and designers before taking about a month to implement a core combat system; this was met with extreme dismay by one of the other engineers who had wanted to be more involved. The next roughly five months were spent in code review with him on the feature. And all the while, I was told not to work on anything else, because this was critically important.

I expressed to my boss my dismay and frustration, he just said he trusted the other engineer and to work through it. During this period he (my boss) took several weeks-long trips out of the country; if I needed to talk to my manager (which I very much did) I was left with the CTO. There was no other option. We had no managers, no producers, no system of accountability, upwards or downwards.

I wonder if my beginning to speak more freely with the CTO may have contributed to my ouster. Maybe my absentee boss felt that he was being undermined or avoided. Again, this is the person where if a new employee asks how much unlimited PTO they can take off, we would just show them his calendar. C'est la vie.

Within the final few months, my frustrations were visibly growing. The five-month-code-review ended, the feature was committed, and others were finally unblocked to start building against it. I knew of areas where designers still needed help; instead I was moved onto another "mission critical feature" fully unrelated to the last one. In fact, this area of the project had been owned by another lead engineer, but he had been shifted to something else, so it was foisted upon me.

About one week before I was fired, during my regularly scheduled one on one with the CTO, I asked if I was being set up for failure. I pointed out that none of the features I was working on were areas where I had particular expertise, and I had been repeatedly prevented from making improvements elsewhere. I admitted that because things felt so out of my control, maybe I was just being paranoid, but I felt that open communication was important. One week later I was gone.

---

I ask myself: how did this happen? What were the signs, what could have been done to prevent it?

In retrospect, the warnings came early and often. Within the first 6 months after I joined two of the department directors had left the company to find other opportunities. A few months after that the lead producer, who I quite liked, also quit to turn to greener pastures.

Each of these people had all had their individual stories; I remember talking to my boss about this, asking "should I be concerned?" and being told that, no, this stuff just kinda happened sometimes.

Incorrect. People don't join startups at director level roles, then depart well before vertical slice if things are going well. Lead producers don't bounce if they feel they have the attention of the directors and the support they need. Founders leave companies that no longer match their vision for what the company should be.

At a macro studio culture level, these people who left formed a diverse cast. The people who didn't leave, my boss, my cto, the folks who replaced the departed, were all white men. In retrospect, the culture was breaking from the diverse portrayal that had initially enticed me, to be subsumed by overwhelming the same dudes making overwhelmingly the same sort of game they had been making for the past 10+ years together.

Maybe subconsciously I was already recognising that this was not what I had signed up for, and this was cranking up the Bad Brain Thoughts. My frustrations at unable to contribute in even minor ways was boiling over. I tried not to take it out on my teammates, but I was clear exactly how cucked I felt to my boss and the CTO. If anybody had the power to make changes that would allow me to work more freely, it would be them. There were no higher authorities; I was begging to be thrown a life preserver.

But the rescue was never attempted the CTO, after one of my Vent Sessions, asked me what I wanted him to do about it. I told him you could, right now, get rid of the thing that is consistently blocking me. The element of process that is not present at any other successful studio, but which had been the bane of my existence. He could get rid of it, he could make a choice to lighten the burdens on new code, he could speak to the individuals who were always on my nuts and ask them to lighten up a bit for the sake of my sanity.

But no, this was just a "me" problem, not a broader engineering problem. Never mind that our department never delivered any feature within the time estimate window; never mind that a quarter of the features delivered didn't work, half did the wrong thing, and the final quarter were so disperformant as to be unusable.

Never mind that, outside of the engineering department, people extremely liked working with me and thought very highly of the few features I was allowed to deliver. Never mind that, two weeks prior, the CTO had had to speak in an all-hands engineering meeting and announce the list of things that were now so far out of scope that they wouldn't even be attempted, including some very low hanging fruit that had no list being on that sort of list.

The problem with the engineers was me.

Could I have "just shut up and worked?" I was certainly trying. A month before my final ouster, I removed all of the sticky notes around my monitor that reminded me of vector math shit and tiny tasks, replacing them instead with sticky notes that said "BE QUIET!" and "SHUT UP" and "STOP TALKING" and "THEY DON'T CARE." I was trying to keep my mouth shut.

But again, I'm pretty good at what I do. I know the correct ways to do certain things, having executed or witnessed their execution by some extremely talented individuals at previous companies. And we kept doing the wrong shit. Multi-month code reviews, ignoring designers, putting people with low experience in front of critical tasks and then being unwilling to deviate from whatever courses they selected... I am only human.

I think the final nails were when I was being directed to use inappropriate technology for the task that was ostensibly on my plate. This was another system where I knew what success looked like, but I was told that I was wrong. I was directed to use a tool the AI team had been using, which sorta fit some of the purpose if you squint (and refactor), but otherwise would need other drivers in the logic.

I was made to delete the code containing those other drivers, as I gradually lost my mind trying to figure out how the fuck I was supposed to do the engineering equivalent of drilling 1/8th inch holes in plywood with curling iron.

My last public slack message was in getting the feature owner to agree that, yes, the way I was being asked to do it didn't make sense, and that I'd be fine to pursue what I thought the correct course of action was.

An hour later, I had the "Performance Review" on my calendar. Two hours after that I didn't have a job.

---

What next from here? I've been interviewing, but I'm extremely in the "twice shy" period after being once bitten by the enticements of a "new AAA startup founded by industry veterans working on a cool IP."

I just want to work with designers, artists, animators, VFX; the cool people who make cool video games. I want to join a team that isn't being dominated by white guys who were brought up in oldschool studios, and I want to work somewhere that doesn't underserve their team by skipping production, management, and QA.

But maybe I don't want to make games any more. When things are firing on all cylinders, it's absolutely the place for me, but if I'm just going to be pushing my hands into the grindstone, I can do that in another industry and actually make enough money to afford a house. What a concept.

Mostly I just want to find something relatively soon. My dad spent years unemployed, and it messed me up in ways that still hurt me today, so I just want to not have to think about selling my car in order to afford rent.

[hoodedchishiya]

‘You have a way with words.‘ Did he? Chishiya could recall the numerous times people had wished he’d grow a filter. They had chastised him for being too blunt with his words, regarding him as heartless and aloof. His arrogant, matter of fact sentences filled with that of a logic only he could understand often rubbed people up the wrong way. Not Kuina though, it seemed. Never Kuina. Of course there were times when she had gotten frustrated at him; snapped at him. But even when he made his wicked taunts and threw conniving words her way, she had always stuck by him. Given him chance after chance, and for that he was grateful. Did she know how much he appreciated her? Probably not. It wasn’t like he had ever voiced it. Praises and compliments weren’t exactly Chishiya’s forte, but as of late.. with her they came naturally whenever the time called for it. Whether the compliment was about her outfit or something she’d done, the blond made it a point to try and pay her one each day.

Maybe that was his way of showing he cared. But was it enough? Kuina deserved so much more. She deserved the world.

And then came her next words: ‘Being with you again is a dream I don’t want to wake up from.’

Had she anticipated how his heart would stutter upon hearing that, expression shifting into one of mild perplexity. “It didn’t sound as terrible as you think.” Chishiya whispered, allowing Kuina to bury her face away into the crook of his neck as she pleased. As if on instinct, his own limbs moved until one of his hands rested on the back of her head to keep it cradled in place, his head leaning carefully up against hers. “I think I see where you’re coming from. Even though you do usually speak gibberish when you’re tired.” He hummed playfully, free arm protectively securing itself around her waist in an attempt to make her feel more safe. If there was one thing he had missed more than anything about their time separated in Borderland it was this. The touch. The security. Nobody could quite subdue Chishiya into being all touchy feely like she could.

A quiet chuckle escaped the blond once she’d mentioned the kettle. Right. They should probably break apart and see to the tea before either of them got startled by something as minor as a kettle whistling. That would be embarrassing to say the least. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from the big bad kettle. And here I thought you were fearless. Guess I finally figured out your one fear.. well, beside storms.” A hint of a smirk played at the corner of his lips, though despite his teasing words his actions remained tender as his fingers carefully stroked at the back of her neck. This was uncharted territory for the both of them. They’d never held each other so freely— apart from their late night rendezvous that were meant to have no strings attached. But here they were. And it felt oddly right.

Despite not wanting to break the contact, Chishiya hesitantly pulled away to look at her, the hand that had been resting on her neck travelling around to stroke her cheek. “Go back to bed. I’ll finish making the tea and then I’ll join you, okay? Maybe then we can.. talk about whatever was bothering you.” He wasn’t going to push her, but he wanted to be there for her. Chishiya had to resist the urge to place a kiss to the crown of her head. It was oh so tempting, but.. there was no need to complicate things again. They weren’t in Borderland anymore. They were in the real world and he had to start accepting the fact that she could find so much better than the likes of him.

@kuinaoflight

Ah, there was a fonder memory. Not so fond at the time considering he’d almost broken several bones including his spine trying to carry all of the heavy items into Kuina’s room with her. How could one woman need so much? It had baffled him, but admittedly captivated him nonetheless. Just like with most things, they were the complete polar opposites when it came to views on money and items. Chishiya had grown up with money. His parents were well off and even after he’d moved away from them, his job still paid more than he needed considering he saw little point in buying unnecessary trinkets. All he needed was the bare minimum to get by. Medical bills had never been an issue in his life.

He didn’t have much time to think when the sudden sensation of Kuina’s fingers thread through his own to secure their hands together. The contact was more than welcome and to show that, he gave her hand a gentle squeeze, the pad of his thumb shifting to carefully stroke at her bruised knuckles. Chishiya hadn’t realised how much she had meant to him back at the Beach. He had taken her company for granted one too many times and it was only once they’d gotten separated by their first encounter with the King of Spades and the grenade blast that had almost ended his life did he realise just how much he actually did need her.

She was his safe space. His home.

That much had become evident to him the minute he saw that car race away once he had managed to scurry back to his feet, the sound of Kuina’s distressed voice calling out for him.. it had made his stomach sick. ‘To gain something, you need to lose something.’ That was his motto. And he had lost something; her. In return he had regained a piece of himself that he had lost years ago. The ability to care for someone. The ability to miss someone. The ability to.. love care.

Upon hearing the silent quiver in her voice the next time she’d spoken up, Chishiya immediately shifted his gaze up to her face. “Hey..” Without much hesitation, the blond moved closer to her and reached up to carefully cup one of her cheeks in an attempt to get her to look at him. She wasn’t okay. That much was clear. “I’m here. We both are. And one day this is all going to feel like nothing more than a bad dream.” His gaze carefully inspected hers, the glassy sheen over her eyes a dead giveaway that she was close to tears. Had she missed him as much as he’d missed her during their time apart?

That didn’t matter though. They were home now. They could make new memories together. Better ones. And Kuina was still herself. Maybe a little sadder and a little lost, but.. still beautiful inside and out. “I didn’t know my speech would be beautiful enough to reduce you to tears.” He lightly teased with a hint of a smirk, gaze remaining locked with hers as if debating his next move.

Once they’d been separated.. there had been no telling when he would see her again— if he would see her again. And then he’d been forced to play the King of Diamonds with one point to go before the acid tipped over him.. Chishiya had thought it was over for him. If they were really his last moments would he have been happy with the life he’d lived? With how he had left so many things unsaid with her? The truth was plain and simple: no. He didn’t want to die having not experienced the man he could become. The better version of himself that he strived to become. “I’ve got you.”

@kuinaoflight

[bowiebond]

Five Years Later | Harringrove | Blind!Steve

“No one told me. That you, uh…”

“Went blind?” Steve chuckled, eyes crinkling as he leaned towards his voice. “My hearings not amazing either, so don’t go getting shy.” He joked.

“Sorry, I didn’t realise.” Billy spoke louder, clearer, and Steve laughed.

“You left.” He stated a fact but it made Billy shifted, uncomfortable at the acknowledgement of his sudden departure. “For years. The only person who could contact you was Max, and she rarely spoke to us about you. We didn’t really ask either, honestly.”

“I was a dick.” Billy shrugged, rubbing at his chest. “While I was in hospital, my mother contacted me. Asked me to live with her while I recovered. I jumped at the chance to get away, talked to Max maybe twice a year. I wasn’t…I’m not as abled as I used to be either. I have to sleep with a tank every night so my body doesn’t forget how to breathe.” He said it in a joking tone, but Steve’s face fell with sympathy.

“God, that must suck.”

“Well, at least I can see.” Billy adjusted his glasses. “With help. I wear glasses now.”

“Really?” Steve grinned, not taking offence to his jab. “God, I wish I could see that. Billy Hargrove, wearing dorky frames.”

“They’re not dorky. They’re cool.” Billy insisted and Steve only laughed.

“Oh, they’re definitely dorky if you’re trying to prove otherwise. Come on, lemme feel.” Steve reached out a hand, missing Billy entirely before he backed it up until he felt Billy’s hand encase his. Billy moved the hand from in front of his nose, taking his thumb gently and guiding it along the rim of his frames, like he would do with Max.

Steve’s lips created a small ‘o’, eyes widened as his brows jumped up.

“They’re sleek. And cold.”

“Wire-frames. On the thicker side to count for the weight of the glass. My eye sight is awful without them.” He chuckled, letting go of his hand and allowing the man to skim his fingers over his features.

In the past, Steve’s face hadn’t hidden much, but now, he was an open book. He expressed himself so freely, unaware of it or perhaps making up for his empty gaze out of habit, and it was a little startling.

“You finally grew out your lame moustache?” He rubbed his finger over his upper lip and snorted.

“Shut up.” Billy knocked his hand away and shook his head. “Dick.”

“No, no, it’s nice. Feels nice.” Steve reassured with a near giggle. “This is nice.”

“What is?”

“Seeing you again. Figuratively.” He added with a chuckle before he sobered. “I know we…weren’t ever close. But I kind of wished we could have been sometimes. That maybe…if you hadn’t been alone, that night you got possessed, you wouldn’t have been. Wouldn’t have left so soon.” Steve pursed his lips and turned his head away, facing forward in his seat as he played with his hands. “You wouldn’t have gotten hurt.”

“It’s not so bad. I mean, I have nightmares sometimes still, and recovery sucked, and I can’t have the one night stands I used to because the old girl keeps ‘em up and sleeping next to a guy wearing a hospital mask is kind of…unsettling.” Billy sighed and shrugged. “But that’s life. Weirdly enough, it got better after I left. Despite everything. My mom and I had our arguments, but we’re closer now. Same with Max. We’re all a lot closer. And I’m glad. I’m not what I once was, but the new me at least is happier.”

Steve smiled softly.

“I’m glad too then. That you left.” Steve reached out, catching his bicep and running his hand down his forearm, following the line of it until he found his hand. He squeezed it once, as if to make sure he had it before simply holding his hand with a small smile. “I’m even more glad you came back.”

Billy looked down at his hand, turning his over to hold it back. He squeezed gently, looking back up at Steve’s side profile, his soft dark hair falling into his unfocused brown eyes. His moles and the stubble on his jaw, the faint scar on his cheek.

“Me too.” He said softly and Steve hummed.

“What was that?” He blinked a few times and Billy smirked, leaning in closer.

“I said, ‘me too’.” He clarified and Steve grinned, a soft laugh escaping his lips.

“Shitty hearing.” He excused out of habit.

“I know. I’ll try to remember.” Billy’s eyes sparkled as he grinned. Not like Steve could make fun of him for his dopey expression.

He could stare at Harrington as much as he liked now, he would just have to learn to be a little louder to get his feelings across.