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neoneun-au · 7 months ago

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ARRIVAL; C.SC

―PAIRING: choi seungcheol x reader ―GENRE: angst, romance, floaty in between sort of fic, lite!farmer au ―WORD COUNT: 2.3k ―WARNINGS: rewritten from my old blog for svt.

The old house comes into view over the horizon. The weathered white boards of the house’s exterior are bathed in the soft pink-gold of dusk as it sits as a proud sentinel on the hill overlooking the expansive fields and orchards before it. Gnarled apple trees, trunks twisted with time, heaving their bounties towards the home; sun dappled honey wheat fields rippling with the wind but always sighing towards the white watchman above. And you, similarly facing, steady gaze directed like a ship to a lighthouse.

It looked the same as it did the day you left, all those years ago. Watching it fade into the quiet mist of the morning as you left it behind to walk forward into the unknown. And now it sits still, unchanged, if a little more weatherbeaten, watching as you walk back into view–travel-worn suitcase clutched tightly in your grip.

Gravel crunches underfoot as you make your way down the path towards the house–nervous anticipation fluttering in your chest with each step. Hope and fear intermingle in the hollow of your stomach–dancing together like two birds.

You hadn’t planned your return. Not really.

When you set out to find yourself in the world beyond the village, you left without a plan in mind. Simply answering a call to your soul. You couldn’t say how long you would be gone or even what it was you were setting out in search of, but somewhere inside you knew the day would come–whether it be the next day, year, or decade–when you would hear a similar call to return. Back to the fields, back to the house, back to the boy you left behind.

The splintered boards of the veranda creak under your weight as you walk to the front door–an audible sign of your approach. For a brief moment you pause, hand poised over the doorknob, and inhale deeply. The air smells as crisp with the scent of the morning air and the apple orchard nearby as you remember it. The faint scent of spring lilac and inherited dust.

Suddenly you feel out of place. An intruder at the threshold of someone else's home. Someone else's life. It was easy to convince yourself as you explored the world that everything would be the same when you eventually made your return. That the house, and Seungcheol himself would still be there, frozen in time, waiting as he had said he would. But now you were not so certain. The walls of time collapse around you, and you run your hands along the length of them. Feeling the passage of it. How long it has been.

With a shaking breath you pull yourself back to the present and retract your hand from the knob, opting instead to rap your knuckles against the door.

You sent no word ahead about your return. No letters or postcards. Just hopped on a train and then all of a sudden, here you were. So you weren’t sure what the welcome would be like. Whether or not you would even be welcome. Was he even home?

Footfalls on the staircase inside answer your question as your hand falls back against your side and you wait–body coiled in a tight rope of tension, ready to snap at any moment. You take a small step backwards as the door swings open to reveal Seungcheol–sleep still crowding at the corners of his eyes as he blinks you into focus.

“You’re back,” he states–voice a half-whisper–eyes widening with the surprise of your presence before him. Standing on the porch, coated in the soft morning glow of the sunrise.

“I am,” you nod slowly, adjusting the suitcase in your grip. Time stretches between you for a moment–thousands of unspoken words flitting in and out with the speckles of dust in the air–and you stand across from each other in silence; the closest you have been in years, but still miles apart.

Seungcheol clears his throat and steps aside, gesturing for you to enter the house and you let out a shaky exhale before stepping across the threshold.

The interior of the old farmhouse, much like the exterior, is virtually unaltered from your memories. The same generations of Choi family portraits hang along the staircase, the same light blue eggshell paint adorns the crown molding, and the same floral wallpaper covers the bare boards of the walls. You take a cursory glance around, heart beating with the pulse of a thousand memories, and breathe in the past.

Seungcheol takes your suitcase from you as you look around and hauls it upstairs without a word. In his absence you take a moment to walk around the ground floor of the house, running your finger along furniture and tabletops. Curious as to how he has filled his time and his home while you’ve been away. The vase of fresh flowers you always insisted he kept in the kitchen window are still there–slightly withered and in need of replacement soon. A small stack of books you had left unread on the side table still sits stacked in the same order you left them–carefully dusted, but unchanged. You briefly wonder if he had picked them up at some point–seeking some answers, some connection to your thoughts in the wake of your departure.

“Have you eaten?” he asks as he steps into the kitchen behind you, hand ghosting over your back as he slides past you towards the fridge.

“No,” you shake your head, slipping your coat off and draping it over the back of a kitchen chair before taking a seat. With a soft smile you watch as he busies himself gathering a last minute breakfast of assorted fruits and breads. His back is turned to you but you can see the change in him even through the fabric of his sweater. His muscles are more hewn with seasons of work–formed in careful dedication over time. The Seungcheol of your memory is fresh faced with the kiss of youth. Rounded and soft. But the Seungcheol before you now has grown into himself; his jaw has sharpened slightly, his mouth is set in a straighter line. Seriousness creases itself around the skin of his eyes. You try to adjust your image of him to match the current reality but the boy you remember stealing kisses from in the orchards outside remains.

“If I had known you were coming, I would have gotten some more groceries,” he says by way of apology as he sets the platter of food down in the center of the old kitchen table.

You shake your head in dismissal and reach for a slice of green apple. Crisp and fresh–no doubt plucked from one of the trees just outside the windows of the house. “It’s fine. This is perfect.”

You make no move to speak further and he follows suit. Instead you settle into a rhythm of eating in silence. Allowing yourself to slip back into space together–atom by atom getting used to the proximity once more. Birds chirp outside the window, passing the time in chatter and short flights to and from their nests as the sun rises higher and higher in the sky.

Seungcheol heads into the fields after breakfast.

You watch as he disappears over the horizon, tools slung over his shoulder, and gets to work tending the crops and plants. There isn’t much to be done this time of you, you recall. Just simple trimming and harvesting a few ripened fruits before they fall to the earth and belong to the insects and critters below. But even what little there is to do takes time, so you take the opportunity to head upstairs and finish recollecting your memories of the old house.

He had set your suitcase down in the guest room immediately at the top of the stairs. The blankets were pulled taut over the mattress–clean with lack of use–and your favourite pair of slippers were placed on the floor next to the nightstand. You drift out of the guest room and venture further down the hallway, sparing a passing glance into the reading room and the bathroom as you make your way to the bedroom at the end of the stretch.

A similar feeling of not belonging settles back over you as you lift a hand to push open the door but you brush it aside–curiosity overwhelming any desire to tread lightly.

The whole house feels like a time capsule. You felt it earlier as you stepped cautiously through each room–your presence a traveler through the ages, unbidden and disruptive to the daily minutiae. As if all of those years you spent chasing some unknown aspect of yourself across the other side of the world ceased to exist the moment you crossed the threshold into this old wood-framed home. No where is that feeling more potent than inside the master bedroom.

You feel twenty again. Standing on the precipice of your new life. Kissing your first love goodbye and making promises that you didn’t know you if you would even be able to keep. The comforter on the bed, slightly messed still from sleep, is the same as all those years ago when you tangled yourself up in them with Seungcheol–skin against skin. The only indication of time that makes itself known in the room is the collection of postcards on the nightstand.

Dozens of them. More from the first few years of your journeys, when you still dotted your ‘i’s with hearts and ended each letter with ‘xoxo’.

With a swelling heart and shaking hands you pick up the stack of letters, flipping through each one and noting the smudges of ink and indentations of fingerprints on each of them. Some are more worn than others; all clearly read over a hundred times.

You absorb yourself in the postcards–trying to place yourself in Seungcheol’s shoes when he had received them. Monthly at first, as consistent as you could be considering the complications that invariably accompany a life of travel. Then every few months, every six months, and finally almost no word for a year and a half until you arrived at his front door out of the blue.

He could be difficult to read when he wanted to be. When his thoughts and feelings felt like heavy burdens to bear and were thus kept close to his chest, unvocalized until they had to be. Simmering under the surface of steadiness that he presented on the outside. Aside from the small alarm bell you saw ringing behind his eyes this morning, you weren’t sure where you stood with him currently. Whether he felt you as much of an intruder in his space now as you did.

You lose yourself in reminiscence and don’t notice Seungcheol’s arrival in the room behind you until his arm snakes around and plucks the stack of postcards from your grasp. “I wasn’t sure if you would come back,” he says, dropping the cards into the nightstand drawer.

“I said I would,” you respond softly, voice on the edge of cracking. “I didn’t think you would still be waiting.”

“I said I would,” he says before slipping past you and heading back down the hall, leaving you with your swirling thoughts.

The day dissolves into night. The thread of the unknown is pulled taut between you as the hours drag onwards and you get ready for bed down the hallway from Seungcheol. Owls hoot in the distance–the only sound breaking up the running of water from the shower in the master bathroom.

You slip under the covers, curling up on your side, and close your eyes. It had been years since you had been somewhere so quiet. It was almost disconcerting. No sirens, no people, no traffic. Only an owl and the quiet footsteps of one man as he slips into bed two rooms away from you. You lay awake for what feels like hours–blinking into the darkness of the guest room. The silence, unlike the idyllic calm of the daytime, was almost suffocating. It had been so natural when you were younger. Darkness descended and along with it, the world went to sleep. Sound disappeared. But now, after so many years of noise and colour, it was difficult to readjust. It felt like at any moment the long arms of darkness would reach out and grab hold of you where you lay.

You sigh and before you can rethink the impulse, you push yourself out from under the covers, slip your bare feet into the prepared slippers, and pad down the hallway towards Seungcheol’s room. The door creaks slightly on its hinges as you push it open–a hallmark of its age–and you wince, but Seungcheol makes no indication of waking as you step further into the room.

Seungcheol lets out a soft sigh as you climb into his bed next to him–eschewing all thoughts of propriety and hesitation that flood your brain as you do. “Is this okay?” you ask, and as soon as he hums his approval you sink into the mattress. Tucking your body into the familiar curve of his side.

“Where have you been?” he asks, voice quiet–reverent. He shifts his body next to you, adjusting so that your head falls onto his shoulder and his arm is tucked up underneath you, hand coming around to rest against your back. Finally, you think.

“All over,” you answer, afraid that if you give too many details you might break the spell of the moment and remind him of the distance.

“Well,” he sighs, shifting once more. His breath fans out of the skin of your cheek as he leans in to press a soft kiss against it, “welcome home.”

“Happy to be back,” you smile, feeling the warmth of tears prickle at the corners of your eyes as you do so. The final remnants of the lingering energy of intrusion melt away in his arms. You do feel at home–finally after so many years of trying to find it elsewhere.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” he asks, words broken halfway by a yawn.

“Yeah,” you nod, sinking further into him as he drifts off to sleep, “I think I did.”

if you read and enjoyed this, please consider reblogging and letting me know what you thought ! its really the only reason i keep writing anything

#svthub #caratlibrary #svt x reader #seungcheol x reader #scoups x reader #seventeen x reader #svt angst #seungcheol angst #svt scenarios

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theworldbrewery · 5 months ago

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1d8 Places to Rest in the City

The upstairs of the Coronet, a seedy and rundown public house in the industrial district. The pub is under new management, and has been undergoing extensive renovations in the hope of cleaning up its image. Despite the owner’s best efforts, pickpockets and thugs loiter outside. And most nights, a smuggler by the name of Smiley Sam can be found in the barroom, ready to trade in secrets, coin, or illicit goods.

The roof of the Third Regional Bank, an imposing edifice with an atrial dome and a cluster of gold statues above its grand doors. From this height, you can see the sprawl of the whole city, its flickering lights and flares of magic. The night watchman might need paying off, and it’s none too comfortable in rain or snow. But the gargoyles have formed a sketch comedy group, so there’s built-in entertainment.

The Magnolia Pink, a fabulous hotel with genuine silver floors. The suites are worth the expense, from the liveried servants who attend the guests’ every need to the plush, indulgent beds and decadent room service options. But rumor has it that for every night you pass in the Magnolia Pink’s embrace, the less likely you are to come out again — at least until you can no longer scrounge up the cash to afford just one more night.

Under the Bodhi Bridge. This brickwork overpass provides excellent shelter from the elements, particularly because some enterprising vagabond has knocked in part of the supporting wall and created an accessible niche roughly 15x15 ft. in size. In time, other vagrants have left their marks: symbols in thieves’ cant, broken bottles, worn-out boots, and a pile of logs inoculated with a variety of mushrooms.

Inchibald Quingle’s Lodging House, a crooked three-story structure with drafty rooms, narrow hallways, and two hearty meals a day. The elderly Mr. Quingle has handed the reins to his son, Inchie Jr., whose passion for cookery has earned the Quingle Lodging House its place on the map. Inchie’s other passion—taxidermy—does put some guests off their supper, however.

The Asylum of the Ragged Saints, a humble almshouse dedicated to housing the poor, the pensioners, and the downtrodden. Available only to those in need, the Asylum’s rooms are clean and orderly, but offer little privacy and even less comfort. Its patron, Lady Parsimony Cross, is a crotchety and bookish young woman who inherited responsibility for the Asylum from a more kindly and warm relative. She is greatly concerned with the idea that the Asylum is being used by those who do not truly need its services, and has begun imposing increasingly high standards of poverty and desperation to its residents.

An abandoned underground transport station, dating from a time immemorial. A rusting metal wagon rests on a sunken track, its doors jammed into the open position. Moth-eaten seats line an aisle within. The track extends into the darkness of an enclosed tunnel, which emits an eerie buzzing noise. If the wagon doesn’t hold any appeal, you can always remain on the buckling stone platform and examine its illegible signage and explore the chambers lined in cracked, mossy tile which branch from the main cavernous space.

The basement of the Ershae family home. The Ershaes are friendly people, part of a social network which offers safe housing to travelers. As members of this group, they host strangers willingly and are welcomed by other strangers in the network when they travel themselves. The sole condition of your stay is this: you must join the network and list your address among the available places to stay. If you agree, you may sleep in this place as long as you need without charge, though you are responsible for your own meals. The Ershaes’ basement is wood-paneled, with a shaggy orange carpet and a vividly green sofa bed.

#dm resources #d&d #dungeons and dragons #rpgs #ttrpgs #worldbuilding #npcs

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wickerfemme · 4 months ago

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about fantasizing about fattening you up. . .

///

It's the dream—a 3 month artist's residency in an old historical house for the summer, dark wood floors, white-paneled walls, vintage furniture. A staff maintains the home and takes guests on tours, but you live upstairs, sharing the floor with a few other people, including one who cooks every night in the period kitchen for all of you.

But she cooks like she's expecting a dozen dinner guests every night, lobster in cream sauce, alfredo, carbonara, thick soups and chowders, roast chickens and mashed potatoes whipped hard to hold more butter. It starts to show on you before the first month is over, and halfway through the second, a button flies off your dress when you sit under a tree to sketch. Embarassed, you have to ask her for a needle and thread, but she's happy to help, insists on sewing it herself. "I can change up the food if you like," she says, apologetically. "I get too into the grand-old-house schtick sometimes." No, no, you say, her food is great. She smiles. At dinner, your plate is heaped high, but you power through and finish. When she clears the table, there's a knowing look in her eye.

As your gallery comes together, your wardrobe is coming apart, waistbands past snug into embarassingly tight, your fat belly cut in two. She starts bringing you food through the day, little pastries full of clotted cream and jam, little cucumber sandwiches with generous smears of better, heavy cream in all your coffees and teas. A few days before your exhibition, she asks what you'd like for dinner—the night watchman is on vacation, the custodian out sick, so it's just the two of you, and she's happy to cook you a nice little good-bye dinner. Yes, you say, that'd be great.

When you come to the table, you're shocked—it looks like a Christmas feast, bowls of gravy, a roast goose, mashed and scalloped potatoes, two cakes, baked carrots dripping in butter. She watches you eat intently, smiling, not talking much since your mouth is so full. You eat, and eat, and eat, and finally lean back, No more, I'm full.

"But there's so much left," she says, walking slowly to you. "I'm sure you have some more room." She nuzzles into your neck, and when you gasp and pull her closer, she laughs kind and cruel and ties your wrists tight behind the chair. "Let me help you finish. . . and for God's sake, take this off." Your belt falls useless to the floor, your stretch-marked belly pushing your dress—the blue one she mended—to its limits. She brings one of the cakes, orange-flavored sponge layered with chocolate, in front of you, feeds you gently, caresses a chubby cheek. "I worked so hard on this, is that all you can eat?" Another bite. "Hours and hours slaving away." Another bite. "That dress needs a lot more work than just another button." Another bite. Your eyes are closed, your mouth open, when you feel her free your wrists, and you're shocked when the plate is empty. "Thank you," she says, wiping a chocolate smudge from your pretty face.

You end up needing a new dress entirely for your exhibition. She helps you find it, hems it for you, and while friends and colleagues mill about, talking color and composition and framing, she stands near the door, eyeing the way the fabric rounds over the top of your new belly, how it catches on your wide hips, and when your eyes meet you know you weren't the only person with a project this summer.

I'm blushing; I'm swooning 💞💘💫

#ma'am!! hot! cute!! THANK YOU <3 <3 #happy xmas to me

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silvyavan · 2 months ago

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Recent chapter being Follo's rise from the trenches (literally and metaphorically) is such a fantastic development.

People on Twitter and Reddit are howling how Follo might die after the trash beast is dead or how Rudo turned the hammer into a jinki but I honestly don't thinks that's the case.

The thing is that Follo clearly became a giver by several factors: the eye-flash is the same one Zodyl had when activating his jinki, the energy/anima on the hammer is white, not black which is the watchman color for activation and that Rudo never touched Follo's hammer at ALL, just his shirt.

But MOST of all, I want to point that the panel where Arkha said that some join for power had Follo in it. While in earlier chapters, Follo was in general given the characterisation that he wanted to be more useful.

Arkha had correctly clocked Follo wanting to join the cleaners for personal reasons. The reason why Follo COULDNT activate the hammer prior is because he was burdening himself with a one sided rivalry and wasn't honest with himself. We actually see that Follo isn't honest with himself at all in flashbacks, Rudo demanding him to bare his soul to him is just the push he needed to activate it.

You can't REALLY treasure something if you won't admit to yourself as to why you're keeping it. The sentiment is probably the reason why Follo's hammer looks like that.

Follo wanted to cultivate the hammer not because of rivalry, but because he wanted to be someone cool like the cleaners, to stand out in a faceless mob. A massive hammer stands out and does fit the rule of cool. Selfish desires are no less worthy of completion than noble desires.

Follo doesn't want his story to end there and Rudo probably sympathises with him. He didn't want his end to be in the forbidden either, so this in a way is Rudo's way of giving back to the cleaners, if indirectly. Plus, remembering the wall to do list probably was the push Follo needed to admit his real desires.

Rudo has plenty of selfish and noble desires, and that's probably what reminded Follo that he's just as human as he is.

#gachiakuta #rudo surebrec #follo tunito #gachiakuta manga #silv writes #love how this arc is handling messy relationship dynamics and the very real shit feeling of blowing up on someones #only to realise that was NOT the right words and you fucked up

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vibingandsimping · 2 years ago

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I hope this is okay >< but i love the idea of an injured tav x Raphael. Maybe he finds them in Gortashs prison or im not sure, but I love it. 💕 please and thank you if you do it

The confinement you were in was damp. A leak from the stone wall dripping. You knew that the sound would eventually drive you crazy.

You’d have gotten away if your leg wasn’t so mangled. You disobeyed and insulted Enver Gortash. The details of what led to it were lost to you- but he wasn’t a man to sit and take that simply. He offered you a chance for redemption but you turned your nose at it. You claimed you’d have his head. The steel robot was quick to grab you and restrain you. You must’ve struggled in it’s hold too much because it’s mechanic hand clamped down onto your calf. The bone fractured and the pressure left a gnarly bruise. He instructed the watchman to bring you to a cell while he decided what to do. Hopefully you’d have a change of heart when he approached you once more.

The cell was musty and cramped. If you stretched your legs out the toes would practically touch the opposite wall. On your uninjured leg was a shackle that firmly planted into the stone underneath you. You grew used to the smell in there. Which is why it was odd when an overwhelming scent of sulphur filled the air. It was revolting. Head shooting up from your knees, you scanned the area. Outside the cell bars was Raphael in his human form. A smirk played on his lips as he approached the bars keeping you apart. “My favorite mouse caught in a trap that isn’t mine. What a shame I can’t enjoy the torment.” You frowned and looked back down at your feet. Of course he was here to mock you. Slayer of Ketheric Thorm trapped so helplessly. He noticed your shame and chuckled.

“Mouse, I am here to help you. Only I should get to play with you. Especially if the man is Gortash, damned fool.” He growled the last sentence and with a snap of his fingers you flicked from the cell into his arms bridal style. You gasped loudly and cried out when the position your leg in changed. He gave you a pout and tucked a stray hair from your face. “Poor thing.” You weren’t sure if he was genuine in saying that or not. Could you bring yourself to care at this point? It was minutes before he was back in his House of Hope. Leading you down the halls until he was in his chambers. He stripped you of the confining clothes and laid you out into a sauna pool. The water lapped at your skin and eased the ache of your muscles. Within moments your leg shifted back into it’s proper place. You watched as the pain faded and the bruises disappeared. Raphael drew you from the water when he figured you had enough of it and led you to his bed. His touch was surprisingly tender.

You wanted to question him why he was so gentle with you as he dried your skin and dressed you in silk. Who were you to look a gift-horse in the face, though? You were thankful that you weren’t in the cell of Gortash’s prison anymore, at least. Whatever Raphael had in mind could be your forefront later. He offered you some rest and you gladly obliged. Sleep weighed heavy on your mind and eyes. The morning would bring lots to come.

#my asks #anon ask #my writing #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 #baldurs gate iii #baldur’s gate 3 #baldurs gate 3 x reader #baldur’s gate 3 x reader #bg3 x reader #raphael #raphael bg3 #raphael x reader #raphael x tav #enver gortash #lord enver gortash

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junedenim · 1 month ago

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2016

beneath the boardwalk, part 14 (series masterlist)

used to be my girl

warnings: ...i don't know at this point. let it be a surprise.

word count: 8.5k

January turns me into a bitter, restless being. I feel a need to be everywhere, yet I am too cold to move. I stay under my bed covers and rot. Unlike past winters, I had a watchman to make sure I didn’t slip into complete hibernation, and though I grew my hair long and had less care for what clothes I wore under my coat, I didn’t feel the need to set my apartment on fire.

George’s look hardened in winter, but his spirit didn’t. His smile glowed like the star on top of the tree. He shovelled the snow off my apartment steps, granting me favour with neighbors I previously thought hated me.

Mr. & Mrs. Sanders, who lived below me in the grand apartment on the first floor, gifted me a peanut butter fudge. Mrs. Sanders was quite disappointed to learn George didn’t actually live there. I was terrified she would revoke the dessert. I already shoved one in my mouth and nearly moaned at the delightful taste. Thankfully, they left the dessert with me and invited George and me over for dinner.

After the mouth-watering dinner, when George and I ascended the stairs to my apartment, I told him, “I can never break up with you ‘cause I think she’ll kill me if I do.”

He kissed my cheek. “Good.”

Should I have feared losing him or Mrs. Sanders and her kitchen knives?

My New Year’s resolution was to read more. George was the kind of man who believed in those wishful things. He had everyone who worked at the bookstore write one and pin it to the wall. He pinned mine next to his and cited me as an honour member. It felt like too much pressure not to uphold, especially when he gave me free books.

I started big, so I didn’t have to worry what he thought of me for not making it through a 100-page book. So, I cracked War & Peace open on the 10th.

I was two pages in when Alex called me.

“David Bowie died,” he told me.

It felt like every piece of news we exchanged that year was wrapped in somber tones. It wasn’t intentional. These were somber years. It was like god had died. We had to discuss everything. Nothing felt real until I knew what he thought about it and vice versa, I suspect. Unfortunately, Bowie was the first of these phone calls.

When I told Alex about my reading, he uttered, “Fuck. Are you trying to kill yourself?”

“If I accidentally drop the book, it could take off my foot.” The nearly 1,500 pages weighed around a newborn baby. “If I start now, I might be finished by the time I’m in a nursing home.”

He laughed at me. “Why didn’t you start with something lighter?”

I stood to grab a snack from the kitchen. My stomach rumbled. We’d been on the phone for a while. “Because I’m trying to be impressive. I might Anna Karenina myself.”

“See,” he said, “you’re already a Russian lit expert. When did you read Anna Karenina?”

George was due to come over in less than a half hour after work. He was making me a Greek chicken with cucumber-feta salad for dinner. I don’t know a single person who is healthier than George. I suppose none of them live in New York and smoke cigarettes like all my friends do. I snacked on a bag of chips. “I watched the movie.”

I could picture his smile. “I think War & Peace has a movie if you feel like giving up.”

“It’s alternative viewing, not giving up,” I reasoned. He was amused by that too. “Is it warm there? It’s freezing here.” I never named LA; it was simply there for me. New York was here.

“15 degrees or something,” he told me. No one I knew spoke in Celsius. It felt like order was restored. “The sky is crying a little. Been inside all day.”

I sat on the edge of my bed and placed the throw blanket over me. “It’s below freezing here. It’s crazy how different it can be when we’re in the same country.” Things were different when we were in the same city. I don’t know why a whole country between us would be any different.

“It was above 30 on me birthday.”

I stilled. “Shit.”

“It’s okay.” He laughed, but I wasn’t finding humour in the situation. I didn’t call him. No text. No “Happy Birthday.”

I clutched my hand over my head. “No, it’s not. I feel awful! I’ve barely been able to keep track of what day it is. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care, Jane. I got to avoid your relentless jokes.” Alex last cared about a birthday around 18. I guess after that birthdays matter less and less.

“Oh, my god!” I pained myself. “I had a boatload of 30-year-old jokes. I even wrote them down.”

“Skipping your mocking was birthday present enough. It gives me a chance to come up with some for your birthday.”

I pouted. “That’s not very generous.”

“Boo woo. I’ll give you In Search of Lost Time for your birthday.” 3,200 pages. I’ll be reading it in the grave.

George and I followed a screening of Brooklyn with lunch at his favourite delicatessen where he ate a huge hoagie and I had a bagel. “When she goes back to Ireland it makes me miss England,” I confessed to him. “You forgot how much you miss it until you’re back.”

“I couldn’t imagine being that far from home.” His parents lived an hour away in Yonkers. He visited one weekend a month. His family was close in a way I had never seen with any other family. He didn’t have the happiest of childhoods, yet he still adored his parents.

“It hasn’t been home for a while. I’ve been in the States for almost a decade. It’s weird to think about.”

“Do you think you’ll live here forever?”

I said, “I think so,” but I didn’t really. I couldn’t imagine having children who have American accents. It’s a grim thought.

Womb launched on Valentine’s Day because Opal thought it would be cute and an excuse to say she had plans for the day as a single woman. We had a small party at George’s bookstore and on the tispy walk back to my apartment, Alex called me. I picked up the phone and squeezed George’s hand.

“Hello,” I said.

“Hey. I like your Womb.”

I snorted uglily. “You’ve been waiting to say. I can tell.”

“Low-hanging fruit,” he conceded. “But I do like it.”

(For the briefest of moments, I thought he meant my actual womb. I was a little slow from the wine.) “Really?”

“Yeah. How could I not? I like everything you write.” He was always sincere in the practice. He never strayed.

We were stopped on a street corner. “I don’t know. It means a lot coming from you. You know that.”

“You never fail to impress me,” he said. “You know that.”

I ducked my head down and hoped from the icy air to chill my burning red cheeks. I hoped to turn them pink from the wind and hide this secret of mine. “Thank you,” I whispered. Too pure to acknowledge above a whisper.

We listened to each other’s breathing. Then, the moment passed. “Well, I’ve got to head out.”

“Valentine’s Day plans?”

“Yeah. Just a nice dinner.”

“Have fun.”

“You too. Night, Janie.”

I put my phone back in my purse and laughed. I thought of how we both had wished one another to have a good lay. Oh, how far we’ve come.

“Was that Alex?” George interrupted my giggles.

The light turned green and we began to cross. “Yeah. How’d you know?”

He looked straight ahead. “You always talk different when you’re on the phone with him.”

“How so?” I crossed my brows, but I wasn’t confused by what he was saying. I knew how I talked. I knew how my tone toward Alex could be ever since Stacey teased me about it in our youth.

George shrugged. “I can’t decode it, but I can tell.” He put a smile on and looked at me. “Should we stop for dessert?”

I had a rubbish 30th birthday. I found another decade to be disagreeable. I didn’t think turning the big 3-0 would affect me so deeply and I don’t believe it really did. Really, the better part of three vodka martinis (it felt like an adult drink, okay!) and the aged rotten thought that I was too old to still be having nights like this was what ruined 30 for me.

On the morning of my 30th—a Saturday, the best day of the week to have a birthday—I indulged in the pleasures of a cigarette indoors. It was my gift to myself. George had a late night at the bookstore and decided to stay there, but we had plans for the afternoon into the night.

Stacey called me while I nursed a cup of coffee and I laughed at all her jokes about me being a sorry old cunt now. She was living in London with her boyfriend. She had a job as an actuarial analyst, not that I really knew what that was (or is). She had always been above my head in smarts, let alone in maths. When she laughed, I felt like a riptide had pulled me away from her. My joints ached in the non-arthritis way, and part of my soul cried, but I laughed instead because she has the most infectious laugh. You just have to hear it to feel it.

I decided to treat myself to a pastry from the corner cafe. My birthday was reserved for plump sugar delights that I would later find regrettable, but they tasted so sweet going down. While finishing off a cinnamon roll, I unlocked my mailbox.

I think one of the best parts of your birthday is getting mail that isn’t bills. Of course, there was still some mixed in with the handwritten notes. I had already received most of the cards early and they lined the shelf by the front door.

Fennel and Kaka had sent me one. Like most gifts from them, it was too much—a beautiful card I would get framed and $100. When I (lackadaisically) tried to refuse it, they insisted I keep and said sweet things about me being their surrogate daughter and then I cried because I was 30 and drunk.

With sticky fingers, I came across a blue envelope with that scrawl I knew too well. I waited until I was sitting on the middle of my bed to open it. I was delicate with it until I spotted 100 in big, bold red letters. The card’s print read, “At 100, you're still playing with a full deck, you just shuffle slower.”

I laid back with a giggle and no longer felt so painfully old. On the inside, he wrote, “Saw this and thought of you. I’m afraid we need a gin rummy rematch. My record is in dire need of repair. I hope to recover before we’re 31. Happy birthday, Janie. I think you’ll find 30 to suit you. Love, Alex.” In different penmanship right below was “& Taylor & Scooter.” She wrote it in a red pen, which I found mildly offensive from my days of failed tests and edited manuscripts, but the gesture was nice considering I had no clue when her birthday was or how old she even was.

Scooter was her dog, which now seemed to be their dog, and to the untrained eye, it could seem like a family. I placed the card on my chest right beside my heart. I waited for the beating to calm or at least to get used to this uneven breathing.

I didn’t place the card on my shelf. I stuffed it into the bottom of my bedside drawer like it was a bad omen. The card would appear more guilty in my drawer, and yet I felt that’s the only place it could be placed. I didn’t want to toss it, for some reason, but I couldn't bear to stare at it.

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

It sounded itself every time my heart pounded against my ribcage.

I called George. He sang “Happy Birthday!” I placed my phone down on the bed while he did it. I waited until the faint sound of his singing voice had finished. “So,” he said, “how’s it feel?”

“30, flirty, and thriving,” I sighed.

He began to talk about our plans for later in the day, but I could only hear the beating of my heart. He was still talking when I said, “I’d like to get a turtle.”

“A turtle?”

“Yeah.” I grabbed my laptop for further research. “I would like a turtle for 30. I’ve always wanted one, and now I want to have what I want.”

“Alright, Veruca,” he declared.

I met George on Atlantic Ave where we grabbed lunch at French Louie’s, which is really just American food pretending to be French. There was a PetSmart down the street where I picked up Louie, my turtle.

Louie became my best friend in an instant. Turtles don’t tend to be viewed in the same light as dogs or cats. They aren’t affectionate figures, but that’s what I like. Louie felt like me. He swam around his tank and bit everyone’s finger except mine. I ate when Louie ate. Louie deserved everything, and I believe Louie thinks I deserve everything. He became a tracking device for me to take care of myself adequately.

But first, we had to set up the tank with the basking lights and filtered water. I had no issues doing this, but then again, George was the one who had to carry the tank up the stairs because I was in charge of Louie. When Louie was away swimming, I kissed George for all my thankfulness.

Admittedly, it was irresponsible to leave Louie alone on his first night in a tank and I would not repeat this behaviour, but for his first night, he was left with plenty of care and the lights on. Louie doesn’t need me to take care of him. He’s always been a self-sufficient creature.

The plan was to have a rocking night. George had a friend who owned a bar in DUMBO and he sectioned off a corner of it for my birthday gathering. It wasn’t very many people because I was over spectacle but I still loved the thought of getting a shit pile of gifts for simply making through another year.

Nonetheless, all my friends were considerate with their gift giving and Opal had a friend who baked these delightful cakes because she has a friend for every occupation. It was a strawberry lemonade cake with a scattering of sliced strawberries on the top. I was spared of numbered candles, instead, there were just five candles on the cake because my birthday is on the 5th. I don’t recall what I wished for, but I hope it came true.

I sat in a corner wooden booth with Opal and Kaka. George and Fennel were talking to his bar owner friend, likely about the architecture of the building, you know, support beams and load-bearing walls, man stuff. The three of us sat with drinks in our hands and laughed at them.

My phone buzzed. It was a text from Alex that read, “Has your back gone yet?”

I wrote back, “No, but I’ve only had two drinks and I already have a headache.”

A minute later, he pinged back, “Just wait until tomorrow and the day after and after that. You’ll feel normal in about a week.”

I nearly wrote back what I perceived to be a witty comment on mixing drugs and alcohol but I was distracted by Mina taking a picture of us and I never wrote Alex back, which is probably for the best. The text wasn’t so funny in the morning.

On the walk back to my apartment, I dragged my feet and laid my head on George’s arm. He was too tall for me to lay it on his shoulder. He was taller than any guy I had ever dated and I was still adjusting to how he towered over me.

I was tired and it was only around midnight. I hadn’t slept well the night before—pre-thirty jitters. I was hoping to get an Uber or taxi back to my apartment since there were no subway lines from the bar to my apartment but George insisted it wasn’t very far and a walk would do me good. He wasn’t wearing heels.

I was tempted to ask him to carry me. He was my strongest boyfriend and I believe he could have sustained the eleven-block walk with me on his back. I didn’t because I was wearing a short dress and worried my underwear would show when he lifted me.

“I’m sorry for hanging all over you,” I said to him.

He squeezed my side. “You’re fine. You’re a lightweight.”

I laughed at the inaccuracy. “Just tired. You should have seen me in college. I drank more than anyone you’ve ever met.”

“You were a party girl?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Well, yeah, sort of. Aren’t I still?”

He shrugged. “I guess. Galas are different than house parties.”

I stood up straight. My hand lowered off his shoulders to his upper back. “Yeah. I was queen of the kegger.”

He looked elated by this, laughing with fervor. “Guess it’s the Brit in you.”

I took my shoes off the moment we entered my apartment. I tossed my body on my bed and felt like maybe my back had gone out on the walk home. “What did you do for your 30th birthday?” I asked George.

He was still by the door, taking off his shoes. “I went to Disney.”

I shot up in bed. “You went to Disney?!”

“Yeah. My girlfriend had family in Florida and my family flew down. We spent a couple of days there.”

“And did what?”

He was bemused. He filled up a glass of water for himself. “Went to Disney.”

“For a couple of days?”

“Yeah. It’s pretty big. We should go. I mean, we could even go to the one in California so you can see all your friends.”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“I mean, you talk about Alex all—”

“No, go to Disney. Why would I do that?”

“‘Cause it’s fun.”

“But it’s overrun with people and cheesy and I’m the most impatient person you know.”

He chuckled disingenuously. “Relax. I didn’t book any trips yet.”

“I’m tired,” I complained. I stood and looked at Louie swimming around his tank. I wondered if he was tired too. I wish I could swim. It was too cold in New York.

I wanted to go to England. I’m not sure where in England. Probably London with Stacey. My father was in Bath. My mother was between places. I know she briefly stayed at Greg’s house in Birmingham. Maybe I’d do a tour of England, everyone was so separated. Harper lived in Leeds. She had a baby in February, her fourth, a girl named Asha, who I had yet to meet.

I was cold. We went to bed within the hour and I woke up the next morning with a migraine and that was 30.

I had little connection with Everything You’ve Come to Expect. I listened to it when it came out and I complimented Alex and Miles on it in a shared text. My favourite song is “Miracle Aligner” but maybe that’s because of Alexandra Savior and my fear of admitting I liked “Sweet Dreams, TN” or a deep relatability to “The Bourne Identity.” Both were too personal to Alex for us to discuss.

So, later that month, when he called me to tell me Prince died. I said I liked “Miracle Aligner.”

It might be the only song from the album we ever discussed. When the music video came out about a month later, I told him I found it funny and asked why he was so tan, and that was that.

Baseball is boring. I don’t know much about any sport, but I know that’s true about baseball because even baseball fans say it’s boring. Not that I know many baseball fans. George liked baseball. He rooted for the Mets, which I thought was weird because I figured New Yorkers rooted for the Yankees but I don’t know much about baseball and I probably don’t know much about New York—the state.

We went to Citi Field for their first home game of the 2016 season. George, three of his friends, one of his friends’ girlfriend, and me. The friend’s girlfriend, Rachel, was 22 and finishing her last year at NYU. This friend was 12 years her senior and I found this to be quite Leonardo DiCaprio predatory, but she was nice and didn’t know anything about baseball either.

I sat between her and George, who attempted to teach me baseball, but I don’t like men explaining sports to you because it never makes sense and they always seem to have a way of explaining it in a misogynistic way. Besides, I’ve seen A League of Their Own.

George spilled his beer on me when a double hitter occurred. The sun was out but the day was cold and it left a chilly splash on the front of my shirt. I left to clean myself up and grab a hot dog. It was awful. I texted Alex, “Hot dogs at Mets game suck. Isn’t that baseball games’ thing?”

I went back to my seat and talked to Rachel for the rest of the game. I didn’t see any of George’s friends again but Rachel and I are still friends. To quote an immature man, “She keeps me young.”

When The Last Shadow Puppets came through New York, George and I went to the concert. After the show, we chatted with the Puppets and company, but we didn’t hang around for long. They were playing Coachella that weekend, so I don’t believe they hung around in the city for an endless bout of time. In the time they did, they spent with one another. The city had been where Taylor and Alex both once lived, so they went to all of their old spots. Either way, I got the feeling George didn’t want to hang around with them for hours and hours, so we said our goodbyes. The show was mighty lovely though.

Rome is beautiful in June. When I was 14, my family spent a month in Italy and San Marino, the latter for its casino. Our first week was spent in Rome, where I dreamed of falling in love with an Italian boy and moving to Italy. I didn’t find any Italian boys and a move to Italy doesn’t seem likely, but I did fall in love with Rome.

Villa Borghese is where I first felt struck and connected to nature. I sat on a fountain and wished I was able to draw something beautiful enough to capture the sight of the floral and fauna. I didn’t own a camera and my drawing skills were as bad then as they are now, but the sight has been committed to memory.

George and I revisited it on our first day in Rome. I took pictures this time and while it was still as beautiful as I remembered, I don’t believe the photos captured what my mind has. It was something only the divinity of the seeing eye can behold.

We did all the other touristy things too. George had never been to Rome because his family spent holidays going to places like Disney World. I guess I’m not one to talk. My family spent holidays going to booze-filled casinos but we did fit in a historical sight every once and a while. Plus, I got a nice tan. George said he always got sunburnt at Disney.

We were in Rome for a wedding. It was Matt and Breana’s, and while destination weddings are a lot of work to attend, they are the most beautiful to witness. I’m quite jealous of theirs because the venue was a near-beauty to that of Villa Borghese. But Matt and Breana did always have a keen eye in their photography, so wedding planning, especially with a nice amount of funds, isn’t hard to imagine.

I wore a nice pink dress and it was one of the few times I have been immensely thankful to be a woman because I didn’t have to sweat in a suit. George complained of the heat the whole wedding ceremony. I reminded him I told him to dress light and to shave before we travelled, but he did neither, which is fine by me because I was proven right in the end, as always.

I met their baby, Amelia, for the first time. She had this cute little dress on and these booties and I wish I could wear her outfit and get fussy in the middle of the ceremony too, but alas, that’s inappropriate for a 30-year-old. I thought age was just a number.

The reception was a nice big hall where my heels clicked on the tiled floor. Each table had flower arrangements as centerpieces that I would’ve stolen from if I knew the flowers wouldn’t die on the way home. The food was divine and others at our table were nice but kept to themselves, leaving me to mainly talk with George through dinner.

After dinner, I went to have a smoke and George accompanied me out into the gardens. I felt sorry for polluting the smell of the air but craving, digestion, and all the rest. He stood with his hands in his pockets as I flicked away. “It’s a lovely wedding,” he said.

I smiled. “Without a doubt. Thanks for coming with me.”

He threw his hands up like it was no big deal. “Who could pass up a trip to Rome?” He bought his own plane ticket, something I felt tried to insist against, but he said we’d make a vacation out of it. He’d never met Matt or Breana, but I had told him stories of my college days with Matt and how sweet, gorgeous, and funny Breana was.

A smattering of people occupied the pavilion, and the sun was still out, though setting, when Alex and Taylor popped out with fancy glasses in one hand and holding each other’s hand with their other hand. They chatted with a few others before approaching us. Alex knew far more people here than I did and the way he moved through the crowd would give off the impression that he was the host. That he was the groom with his bride.

He stopped in his tracks and tilted his head back when he saw us as if we were in a Western and I was the villain and he was Clint Eastwood. He cocked a smile slowly, almost deviously. “What are you doing here? Popping out for a smoke?”

I laughed, though I didn’t know what I found funny. It was a vague impersonation of some television character I had no idea about; I knew that much. Alex has a tendency to pick the obscure. I felt he was referencing an inside joke I had been shut out of. Maybe because Taylor laughed vocally.

“Digestion,” I replied. George breathed a laugh. Alex and Taylor hugged us both.

Taylor and I shared a look when George and Alex “bro hugged.” It was the epitome of girls sharing a secret language. We were passing a note to one another that women had done for centuries. Men are childish fools, and we girls, though on different sides of the exchange, are forever bonded by standing in the same position. I think Taylor and I would’ve been good friends had I met her before she met Alex. Or maybe it was our fate to stand on different sides of the exchange, sending secret messages with our eyes. A different language than the male one of bro hugs and dabbing each other up.

“You both look great,” George said. “Taylor, your…” he gestured to the top of his head. Taylor had cut her hair short. It was a little pixie cut, like I imagine a fairy’s hair might be. A Tinker Bell for the modern age.

George had a typical male response, as if maybe her hair isn’t something he, as a man, should address. He sounded like my father after Harper had gotten a nose ring (her one act of rebellion). He asked her if she had something stuck in her nose, a joke she never laughed at no matter how many times it was told.

I stepped in, the woman explaining her man’s faux paus. “I like it a lot. I’ve always wanted to shave my head.”

“You should totally do it,” Taylor encouraged. “It’s quite freeing and so much more manageable.”

“I didn’t know you wanted to shave your head,” George said. He had only known me with long hair, the kind that fell delicately on my chest in loose curls.

Alex knew. “Yeah, she wanted to be like Sinéad O’Connor.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know if I’ll ever do it. I think I’d miss my long hair too much. Maybe I’ll dye it blue or something. It’s pretty dull.”

“Ugh, are you kidding?” Taylor gushed, “I’d kill for your hair.” I didn’t find it to be all that special compared to hers. I’m a brunette with eyes that have been trained to admire bright blonde hair, Taylor’s natural gift. I’ll be envious of blondes until the day I die, but I’d look ugly with blonde hair. I’m sure of this due to my mother’s phase of blonde hair when I was 12. She looked like Kate Gosselin.

An awkward silence fell over the group. I puffed away at my cigarette and waited for someone else to speak. I felt eyes on me but stared at the ground at the way my pink heels looked on the cobblestone ground. I decided to blurt out, “I still haven’t finished War & Peace.”

I was greeted with stares. Taylor, obviously, had no idea, George had no idea why I brought it up, and, slowly, Alex cracked a smile before he laughed. “Have you even finished the first page?” He quipped.

I bolded my eyes at him. “Yes. I didn’t bring it on the plane ‘cause I feared it would set me over the weight limit.”

His face was warm. I imagine somewhere back in his lineage, you would find the Sun. He was one-half star and it came out best in the first few days of summer when the sky shined in just the right way upon his face. “Are you guys heading back to New York after this?”

“No,” I sighed. “We’re paying a visit to my family in Bath. Stacey is coming in for the weekend and my parents have agreed to tolerate one another for one meal together. Oh,” I realized, “they’re getting divorced. I forgot to tell you.”

His face was split because the news was shocking…but was it really that shocking? It was the inevitable that neither of my parents had the guts to say it out loud. “Wow,” he voiced. “Never thought I’d see the day.”

“Kind of wish they did it earlier. Better late than never, I suppose.” We hadn’t included George and Taylor in the conversation for several minutes now. I turned to Taylor. “Back on the road after this?”

“We were in Florence before this,” she said. “I miss it already and then there’s Glastonbury in about a week.”

I nodded and I was pretty sure George wasn’t listening by this point. “Glastonbury is fun.” I almost brought up memories of when I was there in 2007, but it was too personal and too long ago to utter. I finished my cigarette and it was enough conversing for the rest of the night.

“You guys heading out?” Alex asked. He was alone and so was I. The hallway was mostly empty with the exception of a few people at the other end. He was headed to the bathroom and I was leaving it. There were many jokes I could’ve made about being in this position again but all were flirtations. Things that would get us naked.

“I think so. We’re both pretty tired and our flight is tomorrow.”

He nodded. His eyes were fixed on the floor. He felt so far away. A rift set in the middle. He took a step toward me and looked up. “Well, good luck with your parents. Tell Stacey a hello from me.”

I agreed to but never did. I think Stacey would have made fun of me relentlessly for any mention of Alex. She was a grown-up but will forever be an immature little sister. “Good luck on tour.”

“Thanks,” he muttered. We moved closer and hugged in jolted, jagged-end movements.

I had walked several paces before he called out, “Janie.” I turned and he stood right outside the men’s bathroom—a hesitation in leaving. “Take it for a ride. For me.”

It’s a miracle the beetle wasn’t broken down dead. I think my mother drove it to the grocery store sometimes but it mostly sat idle in the garage. My father barely knew of the presence of the car, and if he did, I’m sure he would have gotten rid of it. He didn’t care for things taking up space.

The inside of the car was barely changed from the 2000s. CDs were still filed in the center console, all of them belonging to my teenage tastes. While I drove around Bath, George looked through the collection. “Why don’t you just toss these? You could probably get a few dollars for them.”

“I like having CDs.”

“But these have been collecting dust in here. Who are Sugababes?”

I chuckled but didn’t tell him all the memories that would explain why. “It’s the same as you having all those picture books in your childhood bedroom.”

“But I’m gonna give those to my kids.”

“Well, I’ll give these to my kids.”

He put the CDs back and closed the console, leaning back in his seat. “CDs are obsolete now.”

“People said it about vinyl and now it’s back and when CDs come back, I could probably be a millionaire.”

He chuckled. “I don’t think you’ll be a millionaire with your cracked Britney Spears CD.”

“You never know. I bought it on the day it was released. It could be a special edition.”

He shook his head, guying me. He began to search the glove compartment, filled with old napkins and the old car manual. “What’s this?”

It was a paper that looked like it had been folded up a hundred times. It was wrinkled and looked like it was a blow of the wind away from being torn in half. The ink on it had endured water damage. The entirety of the paper was covered with pen markings, making it impossible to discern what it was without taking the paper close to your eye.

I pulled over to have a look at it. I laughed at the first notes I spotted.

J A 275 195

“It’s gin rummy scores,” I told him, though there was much more to it. “Alex and I used to play all the time. This must be from the winter of 2005 or something. An ancient artifact.”

The paper was covered in words that I had never seen before. They were explicit and things I couldn’t utter aloud to George. I found two that were suitable for the situation and read them to him. “‘Sometimes, though, angels smoke-in their sleeves. But when the archangel goes by, they throw their cigarettes away: This is what falling stars are.’” I was beyond impressed with the words and taken aback by the carelessness. “I wonder why he threw it away in here. I might steal it. Doubt he remembers it.”

“Don’t,” George said.

I looked up at him with a giggle. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to actually plagiarize him. Not that he’d care.”

He chuckled at me. “I’m sure he wouldn’t care. He didn’t write it. It’s Nabokov.”

My mouth formed the letter ‘o��. “That makes more sense.”

George, as a member of the literati, nodded. “Letters to Véra. Good taste.”

I looked back at the smudged-up page, recalling back to the books of years past. I folded up the page to act uncaring and stuffed it back in the glove compartment. “I’ll have to see if he wants it. I guarantee he doesn’t remember it, but maybe it has some secret code on it.”

We continued our drive. I showed him the sights I knew and we walked around a little. It was nice weather and we sat outside for lunch. We returned home a bit before dinner with my family, which was shockingly boring.

Later that night, when we were ready for bed, I claimed to have forgotten something in the car. I sat in the passenger seat and took the page out.

On one corner of the page, in tiny writing, he penned “Jane” like that was all he needed to state.

I was taken back to the icy feeling of January in Sheffield, parked beside Charlton Brook and thinking that was the whole world. The words on the paper imprinted onto the walls of my heart, etched themselves in the marrow of my bones, and tasted sweet in my mouth as I chewed away at them. “It's cold today, but in a spring way, and I love you.”

“I am a very boring and unpleasant man, drowned in literature... But I love you.”

I wondered if he still had the book and if these parts were underlined, accompanied by words and thoughts that associated him with me. If there was a possibility every time he saw this book he thought of the winter he spent reading it beside me. If he saw Nabokov on the spines on his bookshelf and thought Janie. It was toe-curling madness, but I read on.

“The thought that you exist is so divinely blissful in itself that it is ridiculous to talk about the everyday sadness of separation—a week's, ten days'—what does it matter? Since my whole life belongs to you.”

“I love you, my sun, my life, I love your eyes-closed—all the little tails of your thoughts, your stretchy vowels, your whole soul from head to heels.”

“Without you I wouldn’t have moved this way, to speak the language of flowers.”

“Kisses, my love, deep ones, to the point of fainting.”

And the one that struck me the most that had me lying awake that night: “I will love you tonight, and tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and still many more, so very many more tomorrows.”

Awfully, befitting for this book and for me.

Then came a line that I knew was his creation (or stolen from an old joke book with a title like Witty Remarks for Intellectual Conversations): “Why did Shakespeare only write in pen? Pencils confused him: 2B or not 2B?”

I felt like crying, but instead, I was overcome by laughter and the overwhelming memory of that distant time. I still felt it, still sore in my muscles. I felt him all around. The memories felt so close to me that I couldn’t quite believe how long ago they had occurred. They felt as recent and vivid as yesterday’s venture.

On the other side of the page, there was more writing with lines scratched out so harshly it almost ripped a hole through the page. It was nearly all unreadable, besides a handful of words that were written out, “My mouth hasn’t shut up about you since you kissed it. The idea that you may kiss it again is stuck in my brain, which hasn’t stopped thinking about you since well before any kiss.” The rest was more nonsense for me to pine over. Silently.

I only seem to like the beginnings of things. The thought of that has terrified me to an unbelievable degree for most of my life. The start of the school year would seem so sweet, but then around October, I felt like dropping out. Every idea felt like a form of genius at the first line, but by the second page, I was a failure, a fraud, and a phony.

I cherished the getting-to-know-you stage. I like mastering each nook and cranny of a person and then I discovered the petrifying knowledge that they were getting to know me too. When I was younger, this made me change into a mysterious being, or at least try to.

Most people didn’t care to pull back the layers anymore. The rare person came along, and when they saw the center of me, it felt impossible to let them go because then I would have to expose myself to someone else to fill the void they left, the center they scooped out like a ball of cantaloupe.

I believe you invent people in your head. Everything is perspective and I will never be viewed under the same light that I view myself. For some occasions, I am thankful for this, but I know I don’t get to control the narrative, no matter how much I write and spew my own view of things out into the world.

One night, on an early September night, I was struggling to write. I had to contribute a piece to Womb. I had neglected it for most of the summer and needed to have a piece of work in the September issuing. Opal comes from the fashion world, where Vogue’s September Issue is the Bible you swear upon.

It was still hot in the city. I cracked open a window and allowed the midnight breeze to try and penetrate the sweat. The cursor blinked at me and I felt like my brain was being cooked. When I had previously had these rots, I called Opal, but she had already heard from me that night, and we were in the middle of a spat where she was right and I was wrong, so I didn’t want to get another whiplashing from her or to ruin her night anymore.

George was at a friend’s bachelor party at a billiards club, which I thought was old-fashioned guy stuff. I thought about writing about that, but it was a stupid idea. I barely know anything about pool.

I won’t delay further like I was trying to delay the inevitable that evening. I called Alex.

The tour had finished about a week before and I hadn’t seen him since the wedding. I wouldn’t say I was avoiding him (though I did notably choose to go out of town the weekend they played Terminal 5), but I didn’t confront the matter either. We texted him about the Olympics and I called him when Gene Wilder died and we quoted Young Frankenstein insistently to one another.

That evening, he didn’t pick up when I initially called him. I considered the night awash for writing and decided to go to bed, but then he called me back before I could brush my teeth. “Who died?” He greeted me.

I slumped back in my desk chair. “No one. Do I have to kill someone to talk to you?”

“No, it just worries me like Pavlov’s dog or something. You’re the bell that beckons death.”

I snorted. “Well, don’t go on associating me with the Grim Reaper.”

He could hear his smile in the quiet hum of his voice. “What’s up?”

All roads lead back to Rome and I’m stuck on the wishful thinking path. It’s filled with the autopsies of conversations from years ago. It took me too long to muster a reply and when I did I sheepishly said it like I had been caught doing something I shouldn’t, which probably was true. “I can’t think of anything to write and I’m a step away from throwing myself out the window.”

“Don’t do that,” he chuckled. “You’ll probably only break your legs.”

“I think my brain is fried and I wouldn’t care so much, except I’m letting Opal down by not writing anything. It wouldn’t be the first time but I’m trying not to be such an arsehole friend anymore.”

He sighed and whatever weight he was taking off by doing it was shoved onto me. I felt burdensome and the phone felt too heavy in my hand. “I wouldn’t be much help,” he said. “I’ve got nothing to write about either.”

I groaned. “Lame.”

“Call it empathic.”

I scoffed. “Men aren’t supposed to know about that.”

“You’re very difficult; you know that,” he joked. “You could always read War & Peace. Find some inspiration there.”

I looked at the tome gathering dust on the floor beside my bed. “The only thing it’ll provide me is strained muscles.” My eyes trailed up to my bedside table and I thought on the other book hidden away, the one I hadn’t told anyone about. “I’m reading Letters to Véra now. You read that years ago, right?”

“Yeah. It’s good.”

“When we were in Bath, George found a sheet you wrote all these quotes from the book on. It’s been sitting in the glove compartment for a decade.” The confession felt like sacrilege. I had brought another man into holy ground.

It’s hard to predict Alex’s responses to these discoveries. I was timid and resisted revealing it to him for months. I figured he’d escape the notion of it too, instead, he breathed out, “Jesus. I forgot about that. There’s probably all kinds of shite like that tucked away somewhere. Whoever lives in your old bedroom now is finding scraps all over the place.” The knowledge that there was other scripture like this just lying around somewhere made me even hotter. Like he had just scattered his love around like Hansel and Gretel through the years, waiting for me to find my way back.

“Well, I have this one, if you want it,” I offered.

“You keep it,” he told me. I wanted to see his face. It was hard for me to read the situation. “It was supposed to be for you anyway.”

It made my head spin. I was almost certain I had to have taken some drug before this conversation. I felt dizzy and faint. “It had gin rummy scores on it too.”

His laugh sliced through the silence. “I’m sure you kicked my ass.”

I wish he could see my smug smile. “Up by nearly 100.”

“You should write about that,” he suggested.

“Gin rummy?”

“All those little things. I find that writing about Sheffield can be a good palate cleanser. Returning to the days of youth.” He hesitated, still trying to work out the thoughts that ping-ponged in his mind. “I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“I know what you mean,” I reassured him. “I know.”

I wrote a piece and stuffed it away in a drawer. It was about college, Alex, and smoking. It’s the first section of this book.

The following morning, after sleeping on my sullied writing, I decided to reach back further in the days of Wakefield. It was about a trip to the shopping centre I took with my mother when I was 11. We were looking for a dress for my year 6 leavers ceremony and she made me try on all these different dresses until I found one I fell in love with, but she didn’t like it so she ended up picking this scratchy old dress. It might be small, but I still think about that dress. I thought about it long enough that I couldn’t stop writing, and thus, I began my next book.

Christmas was coming. The first snow fell halfway through December, but it didn’t stick, just leaving an ice fog. George had spent the night at my place. We stayed huddled in bed and decided it was best for him to stay simply because it was too cold.

He cooked bacon while I showered. I had a towel wrapped in my hair when he handed me my coffee and a plate of cooked pig belly with some berries on the side. We ate at my tiny kitchen table and talked about the weather. Then he said, “It would probably just be easier to live together at this point.”

“Yeah,” I thoughtlessly said while chewing away.

“And my place has more room and is right above the store. It’s in Manhattan too, which seems more your scene than Brooklyn.”

“Yeah. I think so.” It was going over my head. The bacon was really good.

“We could do it in the New Year.”

I squinted. “Do what?” He stared at me. “Move in together?”

“Yeah.” He smiled.

“Oh.” I hate myself. “But I like my place.”

“It’s nice, but you’re always complaining how you wish you had more space and—”

“How would I have more space living with you?”

“I at least have a wall between my bed and kitchen.”

“But I would be sharing all that with you now.” It was a pointed comment. It was obvious my concern wasn’t over having a new roommate but who that roommate would be.

He began looking crossed. “What’s wrong with sharing?”

“I like having my own space,” I reasoned with a half-truth.

“Well, we could make space for you at my place.”

“Your place.”

“Our place,” he corrected.

“What’s wrong with my place?”

He laughed at me. “Nothing’s wrong with your place. But, come on, let’s pull the trigger.”

I rolled my eyes like a bitch. “How affectionate.”

“Jane.” He was scolding me.

“Let me think about it.”

He nodded, and we went back to eating, but this time in silence. He finished his coffee and decided for us. “You’re not gonna move in with me, are you?”

“I don’t know.”

He sighed. “Don’t kid me, Jane. At least give me that.”

“I just like having something of my own.”

“Okay.” He looked around. I feared he was X-raying the apartment and seeing all the things I was hiding. Then he stared at me so strongly I thought he’d burn a hole through me. “We’re never gonna go to the next step with me.”

“I’ll allowed to think about it.”

“No, I mean like we’re not going to live together or get married. All those dreams you told me about with the garden and your husband cooking you dinner, that’s not me, is it?”

I didn’t know what to say. “It could be.”

He shook his head. “It’s not.” He was soft and he broke my heart because I knew I was breaking his. “It’s okay.”

We finished breakfast and we talked about our individual plans for Christmas. When our plates were empty, he stood up and kissed my cheek. “I hope you come do an event for your new book.”

I nodded, and then he left. I cleared the table and did the dishes.

a/n: i'll try and figure out how to include pickles in the next part. it might be a bit before the next part because a) it'll be longer, b) i want to try and write something else in the time being to clear out my long list of in progress works, and c) there's not that many years left of this and we must cherish every second. thanks :)

#alex turner #alex turner fic #alex turner x oc #alex turner x fem!reader #alex turner x reader #alex turner x you #alex turner x y/n #alex turner smut #junedenim #beneath the boardwalk

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silver-timetravel · 26 days ago

Text

It was the ink-black darkness that gave it away first.

Darlin’ was late.

They would always come with a glimmering taper to light their way along the edge of the wall. Sam would have heard their footsteps long before, all too familiar with their soft creeping and quiet breaths, but he would always watch for that light like a watchman did for the dawn. He’d be damned if he never saw that rogue’s light again.

So he stepped out of his office, hand lingering on the cold brass of the door handle for just a moment. The heavy folds of his white coat shifted as he lit his lantern. The flame flared for just a moment, almost jumping out to bite at his fingers, but he withdrew soon enough that it only delivered a hiss as it became docile. The light was dim and flickering, providing him a circle that only reached as far as his arm could go, a weak shield against the darkness of the garden path.

The Solaires had insisted he put up some form of defense around the little hole in the wall office he’d chosen to operate out of for his own protection since he’d never wanted to be tailed like they had suggested at first. He might have been a doctor, but he had been sponsored by that family first. They’d made him as Alexis always liked to remind him. So the high garden wall with spikes and unfriendly vegetation went in and shut out more of the world. Darlin’ had climbed that wall the first time they’d met, scrappy and fierce with bleeding hands and a bone to pick with the thief who’d been striking them and their family.

He’d cleaned up and bandaged their hands, listening as they stumbled through absurd swears and an angry declaration about how that thief, the damn fox had been here, they knew it. They’d seen it.

Darlin’s voice was like a crow’s, hoarse and rattling.

He’d chuckled and assured them that if there was a chance that the the Fox had made his way into his garden, he would not have lasted long against the carnivorous flowers there or Sam himself if he’d gotten too close. Of course, Darlin’ had sniped back something about how his garden was too easy to climb into and that if those hungry blooms were really a threat then why hadn’t they gone after them? He’d teased that maybe their blood wasn’t as alluring as they thought it was, making as big of a mess as it did.

They’d huffed and disappeared into the night as soon as their wounds were tended to and he’d properly told them off for what they’d done. He’d thought that would be the last he’d see of them, but they came back not even a few days later with a wry smile, a box of cigars, and a small sapling that needed a home and tending to. Bribery, he’d told himself as he’d helped them to plant the tree and warned them not to go after the Fox again. It became routine almost. Right at ten each night, Darlin’ would show up at his door with some news or a fresh batch of scrapes to be taken care of.

But not tonight.

The sound of his footsteps across the cobbled path was almost too loud to his ears primed to hear the uncertain, erratic rustle of Darlin’s coat or the soft crunch of their footsteps in the garden bed he’d told them not to stand in because the irises were just starting to come up. His feet fell practiced and assured and oh so different from the worry that teased a strand of winding thoughts in the hollow of his chest. They were smart, he assured himself. They were just as smart as they were reckless and knew how to get out of a tight spot. Darlin’ would come. One way or the other.

He ignored the way the shadows fell strangely as he pushed forward into the darkness and came across a gate that had not been there before. Coldy wrought iron curled up and around in a stark lattice broken into a stone passageway through his wall. It was strange, but no more concerning than how Vincent always found a way around the locked door. The city had its own dormant magic that was pumped up through pipes drilled deep into the ground and would wake from time to time at its leisure. That wakening often infused the city’s people and places with a new purpose that was born of its often mischievous intent.

But that wasn’t what made his heart stop and blood run cold.

No, that was reserved for the red smear of gore on that painted the stone and laid a splattered trail along the ground and into the spindly bushes just outside the confines of his garden.

His mouth became bitter with fear as he pushed to open the gate, but it remained steadfast –locked – and he had no key.

Sam would have to climb.

1 | Next

#redacted fanfic #redacted sam #redacted darlin #steampunk au

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2danny2furious · 2 days ago

Text

Haunt

Danny Gonzalez X Reader

wk: 3.4k

blurb: When you fill in as Danny’s videographer for his ghost-hunting trip to the infamous Stanley Hotel, you expect creepy corridors and bad Wi-Fi—not this kind of tension. (Based on this video)

A little angst, a little fluff, a little spice. Minors: there is suggestive material towards the end but not explicit material so please approach the one shot accordingly ❤️

He’s just not into you– not professionally, not platonically, and definitely not romantically. Despite the fact that you’re working the camera on your first assignment for him, Danny’s eyes seem to move right through you, his voice clipped, sending one syllable directions your way when the monitor isn’t showing a perfect read.

“Left.” “Zoom.” “Again.”

No please, no thanks, no good job—just the bare minimum, like you’re an inconvenient piece of equipment he didn’t ask for.

Which, technically, you are.

You flew out to Colorado from California last-minute after your mutual friend Jake—Danny’s longtime editor, and videographer—came down with food poisoning. (“Bad sushi,” he’d groaned over the phone. “Save me from myself.”)

You’d been a fan of Danny’s videos since his skits were filmed in his dorm room and his punchlines were seven second Vine wonders. You flew in the night before Christmas Eve, missing time with your family just in the excitement to see Danny behind the scenes. But now, you feel like the only true ghost in this shitty tourist trap mansion.

You’re sitting in his hotel room, as he scans the old carpet with an EMF reader.

“You good with that lighting?” he asks, not looking at you as he adjusts his mic pack.

“Yeah,” you say, too quickly. “I mean, unless you want it more eerie? I can—”

You’re interrupted by the loud zipper of his equipment pouch opening as dull plastic thuds together in his search for something he hasn’t told you about. He’s not even listening to you anymore. You clench your teeth and bury the burn of humiliation for the millionth time today as you watch him slam batteries into a flashlight, the reader, and a ridiculous headset he’s wearing.

You watch him through the monitor, tuning out his charming babbling to keep yourself from getting hurt by the insane contrast of how warm he is only when there’s a camera between you. You realize that he’s now sniffing the floor like a bloodhound, nose scrunched in concentration around a “cold spot.” The EMF scan shows a large patch of something wet, which leads off into a tiny glowing trail. Wait.

“...Is it pee?” you say.

Danny freezes. For a second, you think you’ve crossed a line—but then his shoulders shake. A snort escapes him. Not the performative, for-the-audience sarcastic laugh from his videos, but something real and startled. It’s cute. So cute.

“Oh my god, what?” He looks up at you, half-offended, half-delighted. “Why would hotel cleaner be my first guess?”*

He actually giggles, and you feel your chest warm. He’s looking at you, smiling with his cheeks flushed pink and his eyes blazing blue with mist.

The moment breaks when his phone sounds an alarm. “Shit,” he says. “We’re going to be late for the underground tour.”

And then his back is to you, sauntering towards the door and out, and all you can do is follow.

The hotel’s underground tunnels are colder than you expected, the air thick with the scent of damp stone and something faintly metallic. Your camera's night-vision casts everything in a sickly green hue as you descend.

Vanessa, the lead guide, stops where the passage opens into a cavernous ice cellar. Frost crackles along the walls.

"This is where the night watchman went mad in 1932," she says, lantern light carving shadows under her eyes. "He swore the hotel manager's wife—who'd drowned in the lake out back—was standing down here every night, wringing lakewater from her hair." She pauses dramatically.

"They found him frozen to death right where you're standing, his hands clawing at his own throat... like something had been pouring water down it. His throat was found to be clogged with seaweed that looked exactly like a woman’s long, mangled braid."

You zoom in on Danny's Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows hard. His fingers hover near Vanessa's elbow as they walk—whether to steady himself or her, you can’t tell.

She adds, "Guests still report hearing gurgling sounds down here."

The camera catches it all: Danny's nervous knee bounce, the way candlelight illuminates the crinkles around his eyes when he laughs at Vanessa's joke about "cold feet," how his gaze slides right past you like you are part of the wall.

Tom, the junior guide, takes over in the servants' passage. His voice is warmer, his delivery charming as he points to a large rusted hook on the ceiling. "This is where the chef hung himself after the 1911 avalanche trapped guests here for three weeks. Strange thing is—" he lowers his voice, "—every December, that hook starts swinging on its own. Kitchen staff keep removing it... but it always reappears."

A draft makes the lantern flames flicker madly. You shiver, and when Tom notices, he steps closer, his shoulder brushing yours.

"Too much?" he murmers. "We can skip the hanging pantry if our guests—"

"We're good on footage," Danny cuts in. He’s not looking at you, but Vanessa. He points to her phone. "Show me those spirit photos again?"

The camera's red light winks out under your thumb.

As the rest of the tour group takes the tours built in free time to wander the passageways, Tom falls into step beside you.

"So," he says, voice low, "you always let YouTube guys boss you around haunted basements?"

"Only the ones who forget I'm a person when the camera's off." The words slip out before you’ve processed them, and Tom huffs a laugh.

"His loss." He nods at your rig. "You've got a steadier hand than most pros who come through here."

You are about to respond when movement catches your eye—Danny leaning over Vanessa's phone, his arm braced against the tunnel wall behind her. She swipes through blurry images while he nods with that focused intensity he reserves for everyone but you. "This one's insane," he breathes, and you look away before the bitterness can crawl up your throat.

You let Tom fill your brain with some his funnier ghost stories— lights turning off anytime he starts to pee in the bathrooms, DUMDUM wrappers materializing within seconds on his desk whenever he’s working the graveyard shift, and his shoelaces becoming tied together whenever he’s talking to a girl he finds pretty.

“Well,” you tease, “your shoelaces look definitively normal.”

“Maybe they’re giving me a break,” says Tom. “Maybe they want you to want me too.”

He’s not handsome, he's not ugly, but he’s warm and kind, and he’s leaning into you to give you a kiss you desperately need. The touch of a human, tangible proof you’re not worthless. Your lips barely touch when you hear Danny bark your name, telling you it’s time to head up.

Embarrassed, you lean away from Tom, who just smiles knowingly. “Let’s go,” he says. “I’ll find you when you’re done with work.”

Back in the lobby's electric light, Danny corners you near the front desk. "Did you get footage of the pictures she was showing me?"

Your mouth drops open. "Shit. I'm sorry, I thought you said—"

"You thought I said what?" His voice is a blade. "Are you not a fucking UCLA film grad? You have no initiative?"

"I'm sorry, let me go talk to her—"

"Forget it. Why don't you just go back to flirting with Tom? You're here to have fun, right? Not work?"

Vanessa materializes beside you. "Come on, angel," she says, touching your arm. "Let's go back down. I'll reshoot everything with you."

Danny's anger evaporates the second she speaks. You are both aware now that everyone in the lobby is frozen still, watching you.

"Shit, I'm sorry," he says—to her, not you—running a hand through his hair. "Didn't mean to cause trouble for you guys. Your shift's over, go have fun. Our mistakes aren't your problem to fix."

You follow Danny toward the elevators, emotion choking your throat. That honeyed tone—the one he uses with Vanessa, with the staff, with the other guests, with literally everyone but you—echoes in your skull and you stand in silence a few feet away from Danny, waiting for this elevator that won’t come. You still have so many segments to shoot but the thought of being near him for a single more second makes you wish you were another ghost victim and God, this elevator is not coming.

Danny exhales sharply through his nose, then veers toward the stairwell exit. The metal door slams behind him, the clang of his footsteps on the stairs fading as he ascends alone.

When the elevator finally comes, you let the tears fall. You hit the fifth floor and find yourself running past curious guests, past the flickering hallway sconces, until you crash through the women's bathroom door. Your best friend's contact photo blurs as you stabbed the call button, your breath coming in wet hitches against the phone.

"Hey," you manage when she answers, "remember how I said this gig would be fun...?"

She sighs empathetically, and you hear a movie in the background become paused. “Is a man being a disappointment?”

“Yes,” you sniffle. "He's so funny and goofy and charming on camera, but so weird et when it's off! Everyone said he's a nice guy but he's-well he's not a nice guy. He's fucking weird! Only to me! It's like he's acting or something, l don't know!"

Your best friend is silent for a beat. "Well. He is a former theater kid." You could hear her crunching popcorn through the phone. "It's on you for expecting normalcy."

"No, no, you're right-"

"Why do you care so much? Aren’t the Hollywood execs so much worse?"

You pick at a loose thread on your sweater.

"I don't know. I guess he's... well, he's hot. And funny. And I love his videos. It just stings to be so repulsive to him. It’s not that I want to date him or anything, but can't he at least be nice? Like on a normal human-to-human level? I’m missing Christmas for this!"

“Im so sorry angel,” she says. "Don’t you have a red eye? Just get your bag and go. Like, go to Denver. Go out. Drink. Have fun. Have rough, hot anonymous sex. Fuck this guy."

“You’re right,” you say. “I love you.”

You hang up, staring at your puffy-eyed reflection. After a few more embarrassed sniffles, you wash your face, reapply your makeup with military precision, and twist your hair up into a claw clip. The mirror shows someone who looks like they have their life together-someone who definitely wasn't about to spend Christmas Eve with an apathetic ass hat.

Danny isn’t in his room when you go to find him, and in the end you discover him pacing the lobby as you approach, his sneakers squeaking on the marble.

"I'm heading to the airport early," you announce.

He checks his watch. "Six hours early?"

"Yeah. Just want to be safe."

The receptionist chooses this moment to clear his throat.

"I'm so sorry, ma'am." His smile is painfully polite.

"As I was just telling Mr.Gonzalez, all roads to Denver are closing. There's a snowstorm coming-we won't have clear roads until morning at the earliest."

As if on cue, your phone chirps with a flight delay notification. You aren’t expected to leave until tomorrow morning now. Outside, the first fat flurries began spiraling past the windows, dancing as if to taunt you.

"She'll be staying with me," Danny says. His voice has a warmth you’ve been craving all day, but you know this is because he wants you to finish the video and get his checklist complete.

"I think I’m done for the day," you say coldly. “I’ll happily cover my own space.”

Danny holds your gaze as the receptionist taps his keyboard.

"All our rooms are booked for tonight-Christmas Eve and all. But!" He brightens. "There's a lovely motel down the road-"

"The one where actual murders happened?" Danny leans on the desk, his cheeks flushing. "Wasn't there a human trafficking ring busted there last summer?"

The receptionist's smile doesn’t waver. It says, quite clearly: Not my problem.

You sigh and turn on your heels, heading to the elevators as Mariah Carey cries in Christmas happiness over the hotel speakers. You hear Danny’s steps in quick succession behind you, and you both are once again facing the elevators in awkward silence.

Danny finally clears his throat. "So. Room situation." He won’t meet your eyes, fiddling with his keycard. "I can film the rest by myself. You should take the bed and get some rest."

The unexpected decency hits like a punch to the ribs. You think of the LA producer who'd thrown a latte at your head for "missing his good side," the cameraman who'd "accidentally" grazed your waist every time he reached for a lens. Danny had paid you upfront. Had only really gotten mad at you not getting footage.

"Wait." The words tumble out before you could can stop them. "I'm—god, I'm sorry. I've been so unprofessional. You're not even the worst boss I've had this month, and I—"

"No, stop.” Danny runs a hand through his hair, his cheeks in flames. "I shouldn't have yelled. You're doing fine. I'm just..."

A muscle jumps in his jaw. "Got dumped by my high school girlfriend right before this trip. Holiday and family stuff's got me acting like a total dick. And I’m sorry."

The confession hangs between you, raw as the winter wind rippling through the hallways. Your eyes meet. You're looking in his eyes, tender, and you’re trying not to drown in them. And he’s looking at yours. And you swear he can hear your heart.

The elevator chimes and Danny suddenly stiffens, shoving his hands in his pockets

"Anyway. Not your problem."

The silence in the mirrored elevator is suffocating. You watch his reflection chew his lip, both of you pretending not to notice the other looking.

"I’ll take the couch," he says abruptly when the doors ding open.

"No, Danny, it's your room, and I’m not even finishing what you paid me for. I’m totally fine."

"Yeah, well, you don't want to sleep on that couch." A ghost of a smirk plays on his lips.

He opens the room door and immediately reaches for the thermal light.

The stains on the hotel couch glow neon purple. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are. You both stare at them in horrified silence until he says, “I’m gonna be honest I don’t want to sleep on that either. I’ll take my chances with piss floor.”

"Let's just share the bed," you say. "It's a king. We can put some pillows in between us."

Your face burns the moment the words leave your mouth, and you can't bear to see his reaction. You grab your backpack from the floor and hurry into the bathroom, emerging minutes later in the silk pajama set you'd packed.

Danny is already sprawled on the bed, a neat line of pillows dividing his side from yours. He’s down to boxers and a threadbare t-shirt, the fabric riding up just enough to reveal a sliver of toned stomach. One arm is thrown dramatically over his eyes.

"Too tired to film," he grumbles. "Turn off the light and call it a day."

You flick the switch, plunging the room into darkness save for the faint glow of the emergency exit sign under the door. The bed dips as you slide under the covers, putting as much distance between you and the pillow barricade as possible.

For a long moment, there’s only the sound of the old hotel creaking around you—the groan of pipes, the whisper of wind against the windows. Then, a sharp thud from somewhere down the hall.

You hear the sheets rustle, the dividing line depressed by his body, his head propped up by a hand, his eyes finding yours in the dark.

"...You heard that too, right?" His voice is tight.

"Yeah," you say, "Probably just the heating system."

Another thud. Closer this time.

Danny exhales sharply. "Cool. Right."

In the dim light, his profile is all sharp angles—jaw clenched, lashes fluttering against his cheek as he stares resolutely at the ceiling.

"You okay?" you ask softly.

"Peachy." His fingers dig into the comforter. "Just. You know. Ghosts."

A surprised laugh escapes you. "Danny Gonzalez is scared of ghosts? After a whole day proving they’re not real?"

"Shut up," he mutters, but there’s no bite to it. "I can handle —" Another creak from the hallway cuts him off, and he swears under his breath.

You hesitate, then slowly reach across the pillow divide, your fingers brushing his wrist. "Hey. Breathe. It’s just an old building."

His skin is warm under your touch. For a second, he doesn’t move—then his hand twists, his fingers lacing with yours. His eagerness to lean into your touch surprises you, and the action goes unmentioned by you both. You don’t understand his mind, but you let yourself feel this softness, whether it be purely because he’s scared or whether it’s because he’s really warming to you.

"...You’re really not freaked out?" he asks after a beat.

You shrug, even though he can’t see it. "I grew up in a house that made noises like this. Kind of comforting, honestly."

His grip on your hand relaxes slightly as he lays back down, your bodies closer, your fingers still intertwined. You're not sure if it’s his heart you’re hearing or your own.

Two hours pass. His breathing evens out, his thumb absently tracing circles against your knuckles until it stills completely. The weight of his hand in yours is heavy with sleep.

And now you’re hyper-aware of every inch of him—the heat of his body just a pillow’s width away, the way his shirt has ridden up further, revealing the faint trail of hair leading beneath his waistband. The soft, sleepy sound he makes when he shifts, his leg brushing against yours under the covers.

You stare up at the ceiling, painfully awake. You’re holding hands with Danny Gonzales in a potentially haunted hotel bed, and you're pretty sure you're going to spontaneously combust before sunrise. Your legs kick, your shoulders fidget, your breath huffs. You try and try to squeeze your eyes shut, willing sleep to come. But then—

"Every time I open my eyes," Danny murmurs, voice rough with exhaustion, "you're still awake. You okay?"

“Ghosts,” you say quickly. “I’m uh, scared.”

"Bullshit." His thumb strokes your knuckles, slow and deliberate. "You're not scared. You told me you're not scared."

This time his touch isn’t just him being scared. This time his fingers tightening around yours means something, but he’s confusing you so much you could cry. You can’t think of a response, your mind stuck on processing every cell aflame from his skin on yours.

"Tell me what you need."

"Need?" You swallow hard. "I don't need anything."

"Yeah, you do." His voice drops, rough as gravel. “Tell me."

Your pulse thrums in your throat.

"Fine. I need to know why you were such a jerk to me today. What you think of me, what you’re doing. You’re hot and cold, and you shut me out and bring me in– I mean, you’re holding my hand still and I just–"

"It's not rocket science." He exhales sharply. "Girlfriend broke up with me. First and only person l've ever been with. Now I'm doing the holidays alone, away from my family, away from the one person I thought would always be there."

His fingers tense against yours. "And then there's you-gorgeous, funny, charming, smarter than me, way out of my league-and I want you. And I’m out of practice and I know I can’t have you. So yeah. Not my proudest moment, but... surprised after all those film classes you didn’t figure that out."

Your heart stops. "Who said you couldn't have me?"

Danny laughs—a startled, breathless sound.

"That's what you got from all that?"

Heat floods your face. You're grateful for the dark.

Another beat of silence. Then, softer: "You still haven't told me what you really need."

Your body moves before your brain catches up. You roll over, facing him. The pillow barricade is long forgotten.

"You tell me," you whisper. "What do you think I need?"

Danny doesn't hesitate. He closes the distance between you in one smooth motion, his breath warm against your lips as he murmurs—

“Like your friend said. Rough, hot, anonymous sex.”

Your stomach drops. Oh god. He heard your phone call.

Before you can panic, his hand slides up your waist, fingers splaying over your ribs.

"Or," he adds, voice dipping lower, "I can be nice. If that's what you want."

You don't get a chance to answer.

His mouth crashes into yours in a heat you’ve never felt before. There’s a promise in the way his hungry hands are reaching for the hem of your silk pajama pants, a promise he’ll possess you in ways that will haunt you all the way home.

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