#was having a lot of trouble doing that because “im not a doctor” or whatever.

[lillythepyromancer]

went to my gender therapist. walked out thinking that i made it clear im transgender (its not really in questioning, im sure i am and this blog is evidence enough, I've been sure for years now), just not ready to come out of the closet before I do any kind of HRT because im afraid i'll be harassed or targeted for "faking It" or "being a man pretending to be a woman" (really popular arguments in my area) or all that bullshit and I prefer to go under the radar.

the gal said to my parents, who I told her need a "profesional opinion" to accept me as transgender (as again, I myself already have that clear that im a woman) decided to tell them "I'm not sure your kid is transgender, so take it in smalls steps because they could regret it later."

the fucking audacity makes my blood boil and what makes It worse is the fact that she didn't tell me any of this before telling my parents

what a way to ruin all the trust she had gained in the prior session

[dovveri]

ordinarily

synopsis: you’re having a few issues with your sex life so you decide to start seeing a sex therapist with your boyfriend

warnings: reader receiving, cheating, lots of sex talk bcs this entire fic is literally set around sex, fingering, clitoral stimulus, vibrators, dildos + strap on, sana watches reader masturbate

w/c: 7.8k

a/n: if u didn't know im a psych student and this idea came to me at 3am while cramming sexual dysfunctions for my finals and i ltr wrote this in a few hours bcs i was OBSESSED - that being said this is all still fictional bcs... let's be honest i js wanted to have sex with dr sana but some of the facts are still real! the treatment however... not so real LMAO

❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

“ms. l/n?”

“yes!” you scramble upwards at the sound of your name, pulling your boyfriend up with you and walking briskly towards the woman who’s called you. she offers a kind smile, gesturing for you to follow her.

“is it alright if i bring my boyfriend along?”

she nods, “yes that’s fine. it’s actually customary that both partners are here for appointments like these.”

she leads you towards her office, a clean, organised room with a small couch next to the doctor’s table and chair, and what looks like an upgraded version of a classic examination table.

she seats you both and rolls her chair forward so she’s facing the both of you when she talks. “so how can i help you today ms. l/n?” her eyes are kind, a hint of a smile on her lips.

“u-um just y/n is fine dr. …” you glance to her badge, “minatozaki.”

“alright y/n. sana is fine for me too then.” she smiles.

“r-right sana. so we’ve just been having some trouble with our- um- sex life recently and i think it’s mainly my fault.”

she frowns a little, picking up a notepad on her table to jot down some things, “why would you think that?”

“um well- i- i haven’t um- i’ve never had a penis in me before. my previous male partners would only ever use their hands or mouth but because we were getting a little more serious than that, i wanted to let ben-“ you glance at your boyfriend who looks a little uncomfortable, shifting around in his seat a little, “be the first and we’ve tried for a while now but it’s always just too painful? and i know everyone says the pain passes and whatever but it never seems to pass for me…” you blush, getting progressively embarrassed as you go on.

"i see. do you mind if i ask you a few questions about your sex life?"

you nod, feeling intimidated by the things she's jotting down into her notepad.

"how long has this been going on?"

"umm- i'd say we've tried to have penetrative sex for about 2 months now?"

"have you ever experienced anything like this before?"

"no."

"do you have any history of previous mental health problems?"

"not really, no."

"when you attempt to have sex, do you engage in foreplay?"

"u-um... yes."

"and are you able to secrete natural lubricant from that?"

ben lets out an undignifed snort. you elbow him, face burning red when sana looks up from her notepad, narrowing her eyes at ben who shrinks in his seat, covering his mouth.

"u-um yes i think so."

"ben? is this true?" sana's eyes are locked on ben.

"sorry doc are you asking me if my girlfriend gets wet?"

"for lack of better words yes."

"well yes she gets plenty wet. i always make sure she's turned on before i go in. if you’re asking about if i'm good at sex then yes. i am. plenty of girls in the past have cum because of me."

"i didn't ask that but thank you for your contribution." sana says a little sarcastically, looking back towards you and then down to her notepad. you elbow ben again in response who glances at you slightly annoyed, the tips of his ears red.

"what sorts of foreplay activity do you engage in, does it arouse you, and on average how long would you say your foreplay would go on for?"

"i- um- i-"

"this is a safe space. everything i'm asking is purely for diagnosis reasons, there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, i deal with lots of clients everyday who come in and have talked about much more bizarre things and none of them are nearly as attractive as you are which makes it a lot worse when someone comes in here claiming they have sexual proclivities towards aliens or otherworldly beings."

you blush, the throwaway compliment in there didn't fly past you. "do people really ask about that?"

sana chuckles a little, "oh you'd be surprised the things people come in here about."

you laugh a little in response as well, feeling more comfortable around the doctor, "um well i guess we do all the normal stuff. kissing, whatever, um it usually lasts about... 10 minutes?" you turn to ben who shakes his head a little so you correct yourself, "20 minutes maybe. and um yeah i guess it does arouse me."

sana hums, making a few more notes, "are your nipples sensitive? your breasts? does he play with them? what about your clitoris?"

"i- um- yes... to all of those."

"have you ever orgasmed before?"

"i- yes."

she senses the hesitation in your voice, looking up curiously, "have you orgasmed during sexual relations with ben?"

you shuffle in your seat a little uncomfortably. ben looks at you expectedly, but you can't bring yourself to meet his eyes.

"yes. yes she has." ben replies for you instead when he realises you're not responding.

sana's eyes cut to his with a scowl forming on her face, "did you know only 64.4% of women are able to reach their orgasm during sex? and that number is even lower when the sex is just penetrative? in comparison, 91.3% of men reach their orgasm, in fact, sexual dysfunction in men is actually more common when men orgasm too fast."

ben raises an eyebrow defiantly, "your point doc?"

"that it's normal for women not to reach orgasm. and normal for them to fake it when their boyfriends are pretentious assholes that think they have the best game in the world but in reality, have inflated egos that would easily be shattered if he found out he wasn't as good as he thought he was. most of these women care too much about hurting their partner's feelings than to tell the truth."

ben leans forward aggressively, ignoring your protests for him to sit back down, "i don't know what kinda whack patients you got in here doc but i'm not one of them. i don't need anyone to worry about my feelings like you women do."

sana rolls her eyes, not backing down from his intimidation, "do you have any problems with sexual activity? come too fast? not able to get it up? not able to come?"

ben sputters, "w-what?! who do you think i am?!"

"it's a yes or no question."

"no! i don't have any of those problems! i told you i'm not one of your weird patients!"

"alright that's all we'll be needing from you today. i think this session will be much more productive for y/n if you leave the room. so if you'd please-" she stands up and opens the door, indicating for him to leave.

"what? you can't just kick me out! this is my girlfriend! i'm just as involved in this as she is!"

"actually, since you haven't admitted to having any problems with sex, and you've both said that foreplay and arousal is adequate, there's nothing more that involves you. so yes, i can kick you out."

ben looks back at you, his face red, but you push him forward, "just go ben don't make a scene. i'll see you outside." he frowns, sending a final glare to sana before stomping out the room.

sana closes the door softly after him, settling back down with a sigh.

"i'm so sorry about him i didn't know he would react like that i-"

"it's okay y/n. this is actually quite common. sexual dysfunction is often severely underreported in men, because of the masculine standards they put themselves up to, lots of them won't seek treatment. that's why most of the clients we get are women who come in here with their boyfriends, and a lot of the time these boyfriends don't think they have anything to do with the women's sexual dysfunction, and a lot of them can't accept that they do."

"but you just said-"

"i know what i said. and it's true that if your foreplay is indeed enough and arousing for you, and that this isn't because of any sexual dysfunction he may have, then it no longer directly regards him. however, just because it doesn't directly involve him, doesn't mean it's got absolutely nothing to do with him. i do think i have an idea of what you're going through, but to confirm i'd like to ask a couple more questions if that's okay with you? and hopefully you can be fully honest with me now that ben isn't here."

you shuffle in your seat a little. "yeah of course."

she smiles, going back to her notepad, "so backtracking a bit, i'm assuming ben hasn't been able to make you orgasm?"

you blush, shaking your head.

"how about with previous partners? is there anything they've done that's helped you reach that orgasm or are there any similarities you can think about between them?"

"mm well for one, i've only ever been able to come when i'm with women."

"oh?" sana looks up again over her specs, a twinkle in her eye.

"u-um yeah and with them it's mostly um, using their hands or oral, and even then i normally need at least some clitoral stimulation to come. i have tried using dildos before but i also find it a little too painful, but i'm at least able to bear it when it's with a woman, with ben i kinda just push him off because it's all too much."

"i see. that's quite normal. most women do require clitoral stimulation to be able to orgasm. a very small proportion of women are actually able to come from penetration alone. do you masturbate?"

you blush again, fiddling with your fingers, but her friendly smile reassures you, "yes. well- less since i've been with ben because he doesn't really like it when he finds out i've touched myself. he gets a little offended and always says i don't need to masturbate when i have him. he takes offense because he thinks i'm doing it since he's not doing a good enough job or something."

"hmm." she hums, jotting something else down, "is he doing a good enough job? i know you said foreplay was fine but i just wanted to check in on that again."

"he's alright i guess. like most men i've been with in the past he does kinda rush things a little, and he does do foreplay it's just a little rougher than i like sometimes. i also think um-" you blush, eyes flickering around the room.

"mm?" sana smiles gently again, encouraging you.

"i think he has trouble finding my clit? or i don't know he always kinda fumbles around when he fingers me so his hands always brush against my clit a little too rough and then he presses down on parts where he thinks it is and asks me if it feels good."

sana hums again, writing down some more notes before the next question. "so back to masturbation, before ben, how often would you say you masturbated?"

"oh u-um, maybe like once a month?"

"and you're able to make yourself come?"

"sometimes. sometimes it just gets too tiring and i end up just falling asleep."

"i see." sana writes a few finishing notes and then places her notepad on the table. "so from what you've told me today, it would seem like you have something called genito-pelvic pain or penetration disorder. normally this sort of behaviour has to go on for at least 6 months before it is diagnosable, but even though it’s only been two months for you, we can still work on ways to improve your symptoms. so there's nothing physically wrong with you or your body, this is more of a cognitive response to a fear of pain from penetration. what happens is because of this fear, you're vaginal muscles tighten when you're about to have sex, they're trying to protect you from this invasive thing that's going to enter your body and that it thinks will cause you a lot of pain. this is why it's so much more painful when someone does penetrate you, because you're muscles are already working actively to try and push it out, they only get tighter and tighter making sex more painful for you. this kinda creates this cycle of fear because it does hurt when you have sex, so the next time it happens, your muscles learn to anticipate this pain and try to close you off from this external invasion. does that kinda make sense?"

you nod a little hazily, the words floating around in your head.

"it's a good thing that you're still able to take penetration though. in some extreme cases women's vaginas have been sealed so tight penis penetration is impossible. now there aren't any medications for this unfortunately, but the main treatment is to unlearn this fear that's maintaining the disorder, and eventually you'll be able to engage in sex that is enjoyable for you again."

"how would i unlearn that?"

"well first of all, masturbation helps. a lot. you say you were only really doing it once a month in the past but actually, masturbating weekly or even twice a week is perfectly normal. and i know you said your boyfriend doesn't really like it but... well it's your body right? if he can't make you feel good then you need to start learning how to make yourself feel good. you need to start turning sex into a positive experience again. later down the line, that also means a lot more foreplay than what you're currently doing. i'm talking like an hour at least. using lube as well will be extremely useful, even if you are wet, it always helps to be fully prepared for that first penetration. i know this all sounds like a lot right now so we'll start slow. would you mind getting up on the examination table and taking off your pants and underwear. i'd like to examine your pelvic muscles a little more closely."

you nod, shuffling onto your feet and beginning to strip out of your clothes. sana pays you no mind, grabbing a new pair of gloves and slipping them on. you figure sana has done this plenty of times in the past, there was nothing to be embarrassed about. well... aside from the fact that sana was really pretty and her really pretty hands were about to be touching you and-

she's turning back around when you lay on the examination table, hands crossed on your stomach, fiddling with your fingers. you avoid her gaze but catch the way her eyes linger a little on your legs. she moves closer towards you, you keep your gaze fixed on the ceiling, feeling the tips of your ears go red at the attention.

she giggles a little and you're confused, "y/n you have to open your legs for me to be able to see anything."

"oh right i- um-" you shyly spread your legs apart, revealing your cleanly shaven lips.

sana squeezes something into her hand, "this is just lube. to see your pelvic muscles in action means i'll have to part your walls so i'm just lubricating them to make it a little more comfortable for you." she looks up at you, waiting for your consent, and when you nod, she gets straight to work.

you gasp at the cold feeling of the lubricant running down your folds, wiggling a little. then, sana's hands come in and start massaging the lube along your folds, spreading it so it covers the entire surface area of your core, fingers gentle as she spreads the liquid. your breath catches a little when she bypasses your clit, squeezing your hands together, and trying your best to not make any inappropriate sounds while in your doctor's office.

you sneak a glance down at her, watching the way she has her lip caught between her teeth while she focuses, eyes glued to your folds. she spreads your lips and starts applying the lube on your inner folds as well, meticulous with her work, making sure no slice of skin was missed.

"i'm going to start prodding around your entrance now alright?"

you can only choke out a hum in response, not trusting your voice to give away the fact that this was turning you on very much.

one of her fingers glides down to your entrance, her other hand still holding your lips open, and she starts to poke gently at your entrance, you can feel when a short fingernail dips in just slightly, wiggling around a little to try and loosen you up. at this point you're kinda glad sana went with the lube because it meant she couldn't tell she was actually getting you spectacularly wet on her own, your own slick mixing with the lube she's spread all over.

she starts pushing a finger in very slowly, but you cringe a little and shuffle your hips when she's about a knuckle in. she pulls out gently, "hurts?"

you nod, "a little."

she starts pressing gently against your folds again, "i'm just going to try massage your folds from the outside, hopefully it'll get your muscles to relax a little with some stimulation."

it is relaxing, the way she's gently pressing into you, it’s certainly never like anything you’ve felt before, it turns you on, but also eases you, it’s a combination you’ve never experienced.

when she gently runs a finger over the hood of your clit your hips jerk and you gasp.

“sorry! too much?” sana backs away quickly, hands raised so you can see she’s no longer touching you.

you inhale, forcing yourself to look at her, your gaze a little blurry, eyes lidded, “n-no. that was- g-good actually.” your voice is a lot scratchier than it was, you can’t believe how turned on you are from just minutes of being with her. “a-actually would it- um- are you allowed to take your gloves off? like if you want to! you don’t have to if you think it’s gross or anything i just think it could help a little so you can feel exactly where your skin and nails touch me.”

sana raises an eyebrow, seeming to consider you, and you want to crawl back into your pants, run away and never see be seen in public again the longer she takes to regard you.

but then wordlessly, she takes her gloves off, flicking them into the bin and reaching for the bottle of lube.

“oh um- you don’t have to. i’m wet enough i think.”

sana smirks then, squeezing some into her palm, “oh sweetie i know. remember what i said about lubing up anyway though? there can never be too much lube.”

you blush at the pet name, gritting your teeth when you feel the cool liquid and the soft touch of her fingers again. except this time it’s so much more real, you can feel every single brush, every stroke, every movement of her fingers against you. when she brushes against your clit again, you can’t help the faint moan you let out. your cheeks burn in embarrassment when you feel her still her movements against you. “s-sorry i-“

“it’s okay. you can make as many sounds as you want. just relax. stop thinking sweetie.” she brushes over your clit again, with a little more purpose this time, and you let out another whimper, trying to stop your hips from grinding against her hand.

the next few minutes are torturous. you're biting back moans every 2 seconds, focusing on keeping your hips solidly on the examination table, hands clenched tight together, you’re so wet you can hear the way she's sliding through your folds much more easily now, able to insert the entire length of her fingernail in with each stroke downwards. your breathing has gotten observably heavier, each inhale and exhale is strained, and you certainly couldn’t look at sana anymore, eyes glazed, just trying to focus on not giving yourself away.

"i’m gonna try go in again now okay?"

you nod, a little desperately, closing your eyes to block out the sight of her between your legs.

she gently prods at your entrance, now able to slide a knuckle in fairly easily, you feel like jelly around her, unable to control your own movements when you jolt downwards, sucking in more of her finger and moaning at the feeling.

“alright?”

“mhm just- just do it.”

“do what sweetie?”

“just- you know-“

“hmm?” she slips a little further in, and you clench around her, your muscles trying to trap her inside of you.

“f-fuck- i- yeah- fuck-“

she giggles a little and you flush, you realise again that she’s very attractive and very good with her hands and those hands are now inching even deeper into you, and before you know it, she’s got her entire finger buried inside of you.

you’re breathless at the feeling.

“painful at all?”

“n-no. not at all. feels- um- g-good.”

you can hear the smirk in her voice when she teases, “you feel good.”

you clench around her at the praise, unaware that sana’s trying her very best to stay as professional as possible, despite wanting so badly to rid you of all your clothes and fuck you until you were moulded to only be able to take her.

“relax baby. i’m going to slide back out now okay?”

you whine when you feel her retreating slowly, your walls gripping her finger, urging her to stay inside. but she comes out until just the tip of her finger is in you, and then pushes in again, filling you up deliciously.

you exhale deeply, back arching at the feeling.

“good?”

“fuck- so fucking good oh god-“

she’s pulling out and pushing in again, slow and careful, watching your body for any signs of pain and fixed on the way your face contorts in pleasure at the feeling of being sexually satisfied for the first time in months.

“think you can take another?” you peek open your eyes to find that sana looks slightly more dishevelled than before, her breathing also a little irregular now, her voice low with lust. you gulp at the sight.

“y-yeah.”

now that you've caught a glimpse of her, you can't look away, your eyes tracing the way her gaze is a little clouded, her tongue peaking out to wet her lips. then she's pushing in again with a second finger, rubbing your clit lightly with her other hand and pressing down onto the external parts of your folds to get you to loosen up.

you suck her in easily, whimpering a little when she stops and looks up at you in concern.

"k-keep going p-please- i can take it- fuck-"

so she continues her journey, pressing in deeper, and deeper, until she's able to fit two fingers snugly inside of you. you moan when she fills you up, pulsing around her, muttering curses and hands moving to hold onto the sides of the examination table.

but then, sana's pulling out again, and this time she doesn't come back. she clears her throat, moving towards the sink in her office to wash herself up.

you clamber onto your elbows hazily, completely soaked and watch in confusion as she dries her hands, her cheeks flushed.

"i think that's enough for today y/n. you can use the sink and this towel here to clean yourself up and get dressed. i'll wait for you outside." she doesn't spare you another glance and slips outside the room, closing it behind her to give you some privacy.

you take a second to recover because what the fuck just happened? you can only follow her instructions dumbly, picking up the towel she's left for you and cleaning yourself up, still incredibly sensitive when you twitch with each swipe along your folds. you put your clothes back on and rearrange your hair so that it doesn't look like you were just about to come mere minutes ago.

once you're tidied up and you've cleared your mind, or at least pushed all the lustful thoughts about being fucked into the table aside, you step outside the office, looking around to find that sana's with ben at the front desk, talking to the receptionist.

you clear your throat to announce your presence when you walk up to them. ben seems to have calmed down and he kisses your cheek sweetly when you sidle up next to him. you take note of the way sana eyes the action, her grip on the pen getting just a little tighter.

"alright y/n. i talked with ben to get an idea of your availability so i hope it's okay that i've booked you in for another session in about 2 weeks."

"yes that's fine!" your voice comes out unintentionally higher than you meant it to. the nerves and confusion hitting you at once.

"and i'll also set you a little homework. like we talked about, masturbation is key to getting better. so here's a self-care kit, it's got a clitoral vibrator and a few different dildo sizes as well as a couple of bottles of lube. i want you to try using the vibrator first, get used to the feeling of orgasming, and then start to bring in the smallest dildo. ben can watch if you want him to or help, but just remember what i said about making sex a positive experience. that's the main purpose of all of this, just relearning that sex is good and that it’s meant to be fun and enjoyable. i'll check with you in 2 weeks how the progress is going and we'll go from there. any questions?"

the entire time she talks to you, she barely looks into your eyes, it's clear she's already discussed all of this with ben who looks more than happy to be a bystander to your sexual pleasure if it meant he would be able to have sex with you later on. you find yourself a little disappointed that she won't acknowledge you. you shake your head no, and she slides you a few forms and the self-care package she mentioned, discreetly wrapped and in a cute little takeaway bag.

"great i'll see you in two weeks y/n. if you'll excuse me now." she sidesteps you and walks briskly back into her office, your eyes trail after her, but you shake the feelings from your head, refocusing on the present and the way ben has his arm wrapped around you.

❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

it's a fortnight later and you're sitting in a familiar waiting room, this time without ben because you convinced him to stay behind after his retaliatory actions the last time he was here. maybe you also just wanted to see sana alone but you weren't going to tell him that.

if you were being honest, sana hasn't left your mind once since you left the clinic two weeks ago. even when you were completing her assigned homework tasks, it wasn't broad muscles and rugged facial hair that you were thinking of, no matter how hard you tried, your thoughts always drifted back to the way sana had handled you so carefully, the way her fingers felt inside you, how she paid attention to every single reaction you made, every small sound, twitch, how attentive she was. and sometimes your thoughts drifted into territory that was a little more imaginative. those usually consisted of sana using the various toys she'd given you to bring you to heights you weren't able to bring yourself to.

"y/n?"

your head snaps up at the voice. you beam seeing her, she has her hair up today, pretty earrings and perfect features accentuated. she smiles in response at you, gesturing you to follow her to her office.

you settle into the familiar office again, much more relaxed and excited than the last time you were here.

"i see you're looking a lot more chipper than 2 weeks ago." sana comments with a smile, grabbing her notepad that you recognise from last week.

"just happy to see you again."

her smile fades a little at that, but you don't let that discourage you.

"right... so tell me how your fortnight has been. have you attempted to have sex with your boyfriend again? uh... bryson was it? or brendan?"

"ben. and no we haven't had sex again. i also took your advice and let masturbation be just a personal experience. he asked to watch and help but i told him it would be better if he didn't."

"that's good to hear. how has the masturbation been?"

"great! you were right! i've forgotten what having sex just for the sake of doing it for myself felt like. i've spent so long thinking i enjoyed it when i was really just an item for my partner's satisfaction. in a sense that brought me joy as well, being able to provide a source of happiness for them, but i realised that that's not a healthy thing to keep doing."

sana smiles genuinely, "very good y/n. i'm glad that masturbation has helped you realised that. how about your vaginal muscles? did you try using the dildos in the self care package?"

"um- yes i did but- i was actually hoping- uh-"

"hmm? what is it?"

"well i still haven't really been able to cum from using the dildos, only from the vibrator. it's not as painful anymore to put them in, and i'm still working up the sizes, but it still doesn't really feel good? like it just feels like there's something in me, it doesn't really derive pleasure or anything like that."

sana hums, thinking a little, writing down a few notes before closing her notepad. "would you show me?"

"i- um- sorry what?"

"how you've been masturbating. it may be something with the technique, but if it's something else more serious, i'd need to know about it."

"oh! yeah of course." you stumble upwards, repeating your movements from 2 weeks ago, stripping of your clothes, except this time, you take your top off as well.

sana yelps and turns around at your abrupt show of skin.

"something wrong sana?"

"oh- um- no nothing i just thought- um- i didn't think there was reason for your top to be off as well-"

"you wanted to see how i touched myself right? i generally try and stimulate my tits as well since my nipples are quite sensitive."

"right... yes of course." she turns around again, avoiding your gaze and looking to the floor, waiting for you to get on the examination table.

your lips quirk a little at how shy she's being, "is something the matter sana? you see naked bodies all the time in this line of work don't you? and you pretty much saw me naked last time as well..."

sana blushes even brighter, "um- well- yes but- most of my patients tend to be middle aged and they certainly aren't as attractive as you are."

"you think i'm attractive?" you're laid on the examination table now, head turned to the side so you can watch as the doctor fumbles where she's seated, still not looking at you.

"i- um- well- forgive me- i'm trying really hard to be professional right now and-"

"is that why you left in such a hurry during our last session?" you start trailing your hands over yourself, finding yourself easily aroused in the presence of the other woman.

"oh- um- well- yes i- i didn't want to make you uncomfortable-"

you moan gently when a practiced hand glides up to squeeze softly at a tit, the other sliding down slowly towards your centre. "you could never make me uncomfortable sana. well actually... i was only really uncomfortable when you left me so empty last time. i couldn't wait to go home and try out the toys you gave me, i haven't felt so turned on in so long and i needed to get that out of my system as soon as i could." you're trying to get a rise out of her, but everything you're saying is the truth anyway.

sana's eyes are on you now, wide and a little shocked at the words coming out of your mouth, and you revel in the way that meant her eyes now travelled your body. you try and angle yourself so she can see the way you squeeze at your breast, brushing over a nipple lightly with your palm and watching it pebble in reaction, your other hand dipping down to trace along your folds, finding that you're already dripping, the fact that the object of your sexual desires for the last 2 weeks is now only inches away from you, watching you touch yourself, driving you further off the edge of sanity.

"y/n..." sana's voice comes out almost 2 octaves lower than her usual register. you catch the way she wets her lips and crosses her legs.

"i'm so wet already i don't even need lube. and i know you kept saying to use it no matter what and trust me i did when i got myself off at home, but right now, just look-" you bring your hand up from between your legs, making an obscene display of licking your fingers and sucking on them, making sure she could see the arousal that coated your fingers.

sana's jaw tightens at the sight, she shuffles a little in her seat, unconsciously moving closer towards you.

"you don't have to worry about being unprofessional sana. i promise i want this just as much as you do right now." you slide your hand back down yourself, finding your clit easily after the practice you've gotten over the last fortnight, and rubbing circles around it.

"bold of you to assume i want this. this is my job after all." you leak at the register in her voice, it's something you've only been able to imagine in your fantasies.

"you don't want me?" you pout a little, turning onto your side so your entire body is facing her, your arm pushing your breasts together while a finger tugs gently on a nipple, your other hand still rubbing fast little circles into your clit.

sana chuckles darkly, her eyes closing, she seems to be trying to force herself to keep still.

"because just to be clear... i've thought about how you touched me every single time i came these past two weeks." your breath hitches when you recall the way you'd vigorously rub one out to her, sometimes multiple times a day ever since you started masturbating again. "i- oh fuck- no one has gotten me that turned on in such a short amount of time ever- nng- and i'd think about the way you felt inside me, and how careful and gentle you were- fuck- and then i'd think about how rough you could get as well- oh- and how i'd try and be so good for you- can you- can you pass me the dildo? i think i can slide the smallest one in now-"

she gets up from her seat wordlessly, exuding a dark aura that makes you clench your thighs in anticipation. she moves towards your bag, digging for the package and pulling it out, taking the smallest dildo and then moving back towards you. her pupils are blown, hungrily drinking you in, your fingers speed up just a little at the attention.

you reach out a hand mid-moan, asking for her to pass you the toy.

but she clicks her tongue, pushing your hand away gently and lubing up the toy herself.

you gulp, turning so you're laid flat on your back again, spreading your legs so she can see just how wet you were.

her eyes meet yours briefly, and you adore the way she checks in and makes sure you're okay with this, and you nod, giving her permission before she's sliding the dildo into you.

"oh shit-"

sana hums, pushing the little gold dildo in further, transfixed on the way your fingers move just a little rougher around your clit with every centimetre.

when she's completely inside you moan, clenching around the dildo, it was a comfortable size inside you.

"any pain?" her voice is rough, laced with barely concealed lust.

you whine, "n-no- you can move."

she starts pulling out, and it is almost painful the threat of being empty leaving you desperate, grinding down to try and keep her inside you, but she pushes back in, just a second faster this time and you moan unabashedly.

"f-fuck-" she starts up a rhythm, pulling out of you, then pushing back in, each time a second faster than the last.

you rub your clit, faster, harder, pulling on your nipple, switching to the other one to make sure both were attended to, you've never been built up this quickly. even when you were masturbating you had taken her advice and teased yourself for at least an hour before you got anywhere close to cumming.

you crave her, eyes lidded watching the way the veins in her arms become a little more visible when she thrusts in a little harder. you can hear the examination table shaking under you, you can't keep still at all, trying to meet her on each thrust, the tools and materials clattering about loudly. the possibility that someone could hear you outside flies across your mind but you can barely give it a second thought, in fact, it turns you on even more knowing that you were getting fucked by the most gorgeous doctor that you've been obsessed with the last fortnight, and on the other side of the door everyone was just going about their regular days, having no idea the heights of pleasure she was bringing you to.

"o-oh s-sana oh my god- holy fuck-"

"hmm? good?"

"yes yes so good- oh my god you feel so good inside me i'm gonna- oh fuck-"

"do you mind if i..."

you look down at her, vision a little blurry but you can tell she's asking to do something, "yes yes oh god- whatever- you can do whatever you want to me- oh fuck-"

you feel a soft hand come to rest on your stomach, sliding down to just a little below your belly button, and then it presses down just gently, "oh fuck!" your hips jolt upwards, pleasure running up your spine.

sana stops the pressure but keeps her hand on your lower stomach, "was that okay?"

"god yes- oh sana you're gonna make me cum please-"

so she presses down again, a little harder this time, and you feel the coil in you snap, white enroaching your vision, your thighs shaking, head tilted back, a high-pitched gasp leaving your mouth, feeling completely breathless.

sana waits for you to come down patiently, helping you through your orgasm, continuing her thrusts into your cunt but slower and much gentler.

eventually, you feel your back and hips meet the surface of the examination table under you again, breathing heavily and opening your eyes slowly.

sana's moved next to you, brushing strands of hair out of your face, you preen into her touch. but the next thing she does has you clenching tightly around the dildo that's still inside you. she brings her fingers to her mouth, sucking them in and making a show of wrapping her tongue around them. "exquisite."

you blush, clenching your thighs together at the sight.

she gives you a slow once-over again, before exhaling shakily and turning away, moving to the sink to clean up a little. you struggle a little to sit up, still recovering from your mind-shaking orgasm, and you're about to pull the dildo out of you when she speaks up again, still with her back turned to you.

"keep it inside you. that'll be your homework task for the next fortnight until our next session." she turns around, seeming to have collected herself a little better, her eyes fixed only on your face, purposely avoiding the rest of your body.

you sluggishly start to clean yourself up, wincing a little each time you accidentally move the dildo inside you.

"so you are able to come from penetration, you don't have to worry about that. and it's normal that you need some clitoral or other stimulation to be able to orgasm, often just penetration isn't enough. for the next fortnight i want you to continue masturbating, but i want you to practice leaving a dildo inside yourself afterwards, so your vaginal muscles get used to the feeling of something being inside. you can slowly work your way up the sizes, just don't push yourself and make sure you stop if it starts becoming too painful."

you nod, trying to bring your breathing back to a normal pace while you slip your clothes back on.

"alright. were there any other concerns you wanted to talk about?"

you shake your head, coming to a stand.

"okay. you can make the next appointment with the receptionist out front. i'll see you in 2 weeks y/n."

you nod, again, walking out the door when she opens it for you, but turning back before she can close it catching her a little by surprise, "thank you sana. i look forward to seeing you again soon." your voice is still a little scratchy but sana blushes, pursing her lips and nodding, closing the door after you.

you sigh a little dreamily, feeling more blissed out than you've been in a long time.

❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

this continues between the two of you for a few months.

you loved teasing sana and getting her out of her professional state. once you had worn lingerie under your coat to see her. you laugh remembering the way her eyes widened and her jaw dropped as soon as you took off your coat when you were in the privacy of her office. you'd let her fuck you however she wanted, and then you'd use each new experience to get you off during the fortnight that she'd give you new exercises, all increasing in intensity to help build you up to being able to take an average sized penis.

your favourite one to think about was that week that ben started complaining about how you'd been seeing sana for so long that surely you'd be able to take him by now. he insisted on coming to your next appointment but he was forced to sit outside and wait for you. little did he know you were on the other side of the door, a hand clamped over your mouth, the other holding you up against the door with your breasts pressed against it while sana railed into you from behind. of course she kept harnesses in her office. she had said they were mainly there for educational purposes, to show people how to put one on properly so it was safe and wasn't hurting anyone, it was just an added benefit that she also used them to pound into you with increasing dildo sizes each fortnight.

you lean onto your elbows while you watch her wash off the dildo she had just used on you. it was the biggest one yet and you're still fluttering a little remembering the way it filled you up while you rode her.

"what?" she turns around, drying off the dildo and slipping it back into your bag, pulling her shirt back on.

"just think you're nice to look at."

she rolls her eyes playfully, "shut up y/n."

you wiggle your eyebrows, "make me."

she glances at you, narrowing her eyes a little but making no effort to move closer, "as if you could go another round. you came so hard just then."

you giggle and sigh in satisfaction, resting your cheek on a hand, "i did. you're so good at what you do."

sana hums, finishing getting dressed and looking semi-presentable, settling back into her seat, but her expression changes a little while she studies you.

"what's up?"

"... have you tried having sex again with your boyfriend?"

"i told you i haven't."

she hums again, mind drifting elsewhere and you shrug, sitting up and starting to clean yourself up. "you can try now y'know? you were able to take that dildo and that's pretty much the average size of a penis already. unless he's bigger than that...?"

you scoff, shuffling into your pants, "no. he's actually smaller than the one you just used on me."

"then you should try having sex again."

you pull your shirt over your head, thinking over what she's saying. instead of sitting down in your own seat you climb into her lap, her arms wrapping around you automatically, hands gripping your waist while you make yourself comfortable. "doesn't that mean i won't be able to see you anymore?"

sana chuckles a little emptily, "i'm your sex therapist y/n. you knew this was going to end eventually."

"yeah but you don't fuck your other clients do you?"

sana laughs then, you feast in the sound. "no, no i don't."

"good. i was actually thinking..."

"hm?" she brings a hand up to your cheek, brushing slightly.

"would you... i don't know... like... i think about you when i get off yeah but i also think about you like... all the time..."

"mhm."

"so i was wondering if... i don't know if you felt the same if you wanted to like hang out outside of here? and like i don't mean to have sex i mean like go on a date maybe...?" you're shy, bringing this question up, blushing and avoiding her eyes.

"you have a boyfriend y/n." she deadpans.

"well yeah but i was thinking of breaking up with him anyway. now that you're bringing up having sex with him again i don't want that, and i don't want to stop seeing you. i guess just- just the threat that this all might be over soon- well i don't want it to be over. i like you sana." you say a little more firmly this time, meeting her eyes with decisiveness.

sana smiles then, all eyes, leaning in to peck you gently, "come back in a fortnight and we'll see. if you're no longer with him then... maaaybe i'll let you take me out."

your eyes brighten at her response, jumping out of her lap with excitement, "really?! oh my god i'll call him right now and do it-" you're reaching for your phone in your bag when she laughs, pulling you back into her

"don't do it over the phone silly. not even he deserves that."

you pout a little but it’s quickly wiped away when sana kisses you, lips slotting perfectly against yours with practiced ease. you sigh into her, addicted to the feeling, the taste, the smell of her. it was probably the easiest decision of your life, choosing your sex therapist over your boyfriend.

[capitalisticveins]

Your mutuals in a zombie apocalypse?

Im telling u rn I had to analyze this shi bc I didnt know what it was asking at first😭

@deviantaj (rip) — Went AWOL first day, survives, somehow made it across the world

@e0sphorus — Also went AWOL however did not survive solely bc he didn’t move around a lot and got caught in a herd

@themeridian — Stayed with the group, seems like team morale and emotional support, however dies to a disease because someone* keeps using the medicine

@scopekale — Stayed with the group, and smuggled their own solo supplies in, doesn't share, but also barely uses the group supplies. Survives.

@battygutz — Joined the group midway, gunslinger, almost gets killed like 17 times, but somehow, somehow survives by dumb luck.

@mhmmaybe — Lowkey the type to stay in one spot and give handouts to passing survivors, prolly owns a farm or sumthin. Doesn't have lots of trouble with zombies, survives alone

@justaclownwholikesducks — low pain tolerance + screams randomly + easy to scare = dies first 4 months I don't make the rules

@vind3miat0r — Does this thing where they leave the group randomly and no one notices but when they come back they come back with LOOT, dies on an expedition and ppl started to notice

@hammerhead-jpg — Idk why but he seems like the type to live within a community with walls and food n stuff. Miiiight survive depends if someone feels like destroying it. Wonder who 👀

@mrsmiagreer — Lowkey always gives a caring feel so they're one of the 2 doctors on this list, makes sure everyone's as healthy as possible, prefers melee...dies to malaria

@gumballrightfoots — Gives off bandit vibes that steals supplies from other survivors, but based off stealth and not brute force, survives

@mokozroach - Feels like one of those survivors where all they really want is food. No shelter, no proper hygiene (since that need turns into a luxury in the event of an apocalypse), they might even try that trick where they dress up in zombie guts and vibe with the herd. When the winter comes? …Maybe they die to the winter eventually, or scurvy, whatever comes first

@starlightreader - In the group without ppl remembering they’re in the group half the time, and it turns into a vind3miat0r situation where they’ll stay behind in some cases to enjoy scenery or search places longer for more loot and it’s a rare case ppl notice. Survives to join a community and leaves the group

@cyc-chilla - *Is the person who takes all the medicine bc he’s dedicated to surviving ts, resorts to quiet weapons to avoid sound, honestly an equal opportunist scavenger and protector with slight Clementine vibes, can’t tell if you survive or not

@boees whered boee go wtf

Boee - The second doctor on the list that doesn’t deal with the killing zombies schtick at all, if you get bit this is the person you want to be amputated by 🙏🏾 Dies to internal bleeding

@annahxredaxted - Leads a cult/community running water, food, and safety. Ik cult makes it sound sketchy but who’s gonna question her💀 You know what happened to Prescott in The Walking Dead Game Season 3? Yeah that happens to her community, dies to a zombie bite

@prince-damien-of-darkness - One of those people who follows a herd, far behind enough that the herd doesn’t notice, and does it so that when the herd reaches people, they wait till the herd leaves and grabs the stuff the people left behind in a hurry. Might go far enough to use zombie guts to disguise as a zombie and join the herd temporarily. IF they do disguise as a zombie they die to a gunshot, if they don’t they survive long enough to leave the country and find a safehouse

This ask and post has been in my drafts for 6 months as I tried finishing this, Nai doesn’t even remember this ask. If you wanna be added bc I lowkey forgot all my moots just ask dont be scared at all🙏🏾

[awetistic-things]

hi! i'm prof dxd autism, and i know you support self dx. i have some struggles understanding it, bc i guess,,, black and white thinking and i just,,, its very hard to make that connection, bc like, i want to support it but like theres also like, bad experiences with people claiming autism to weaponise something or all the news about fakers which might not even be true but like. im at the point where this is my view:

i support self suspecting a diagnosis, but not self diagnosis bc i think there needs to be some degree of seperation. like you can research one condition but have another, so self suspecting and accommodating is a good thing, but self diagnosis isn't because you don't have like, the full picture, and you need someone else to analyze it, so self suspect, not diagnosis. (sorry if not clear im kinda out of words rn)

but i also recognise that that view isn't really correct anymore, but im having trouble changing it so i guess what im asking is do you have any account to follow/things to read to support self diagnosis so i can change my views. totally cool if you dont want to tho. anyway bye! have a nice day. sorry.

hi 👋🏼

i can't find any specific blogs, but i do have a few things to say:

getting out of the black-and-white thinking is difficult, and i appreciate that you're trying to do so

self-diagnosing in general can be life-saving (when done right, which most of the time it pretty much is, regardless of what you see online) whether it comes to autism or breast cancer. so often, people get passed up and can't get what they desperately need due to discrimination within the medical community (and every community) so they have to take matters into their own hands

a lot of the time even when people go to get evaluated for autism, the doctor is the one who says they "suspect" the patient has autism and then don't give a diagnosis at all (happened to me three times before I got officially diagnosed) there are so many autistic people who go to get evaluated and get straight-up turned down right to their face, which usually leads them to self-diagnosing because there’s nobody willing to actually ‘analyze’ them in the first place (/nm, this reads as passive aggressive i think, but that’s not my intention, i promise /gen)

even if you are officially diagnosed there’s no telling that you’ll get any ‘analysis’ information after an evaluation (most of the time it’s just a paragraph or two) which is why self-diagnosing can be so incredible, because that’s when you get to analyze your own behaviors and traits and work through your internalized ableism so that if you do end up getting a diagnosis you’re not blindsided and have (hopefully) already accepted the fact that you are autistic

essentially what i’m trying to say is that so, so, so many psychiatrists and psychologists have internalized (or fully conscious) prejudice which heavily affects their analyzations and makes self-diagnosing so often times necessary

honestly, i think self-diagnosing is the first step in acknowledging and accepting that you’re autistic

i think many autistics who were officially diagnosed and were surprised by the fact that they’re autistic should look at it from a self-diagnosed autistics point-of-view

and by that i mean actually taking the time to forget whatever your doctor said about how you operate and instead analyze your life, because it’s yours, and nobody knows it better than you (especially from a 30 minute evaluation in a converted supply closet)

sorry if any of this came off as aggressive, it’s all genuine and i do very much appreciate you asking me this question and i hope my numerous different answers helped somewhat :)

[likecastle]

Ronance Femslash February - “I’m scared”

Thank you to the anon who sent the prompt “im scared”! I considered going in a more dramatic direction with this, something dire and last-night-on-earth-y, but I, uh, didn’t do that. Have some kissing instead!

I’m accepting Ronance prompts all month for Femslash February. Don’t be shy! You can find previous prompts I’ve filled here.

Please be advised this included a character who is anxious about having sex for the first time, a tiny little dash of internalized homophobia, and some very mild D/s themes. I would probably give this a teen rating still, maybe creeping towards mature.

It’s funny. Robin is scared of a lot of things. Rabies. Earthquakes. Doctors. Driving, although she’ll never admit that to Steve. In the old days, she used to think of herself as a fearful person, wound unreasonably tight about a lot of everyday things that plenty of other people seem to navigate without any trouble. But for all her hang-ups, the past few years have shown Robin that she’s actually pretty brave. She’ll spit in the face of a man holding her hostage, and dive into an interdimensional portal to save her best friend. It’s like she gets past a certain threshold of terror and whatever voice she hears in the back of her head urging her to overthink everything just shuts off.

Evidently, she hasn’t reached that breaking point yet tonight, because she’s trembling hard under her skin—the sort of tremor that doesn’t show in her hands, but that has every inch of her vibrating all the way down to her bones.

Nancy’s hands pause on the buttons of her blouse, and her eyes go wide. “Robin? Are you OK?”

“Totally,” Robin says, but her throat is so tight around the word that she knows that nobody could possibly believe her. She’s already blowing this, and they haven’t even gotten their clothes off yet. “Absolutely,” she croaks, as if doubling down is going to help. “Never better.”

“No, you’re not,” Nancy says firmly. Her hands come to rest on Robin’s upper arms, a reassuring pressure. “What’s wrong?”

Robin tries to breathe and mostly doesn’t, her breaths far too shallow to be of much use. She doesn’t know how to answer Nancy’s question. Because it’s stupid. It’s completely, totally stupid. She loves Nancy. She wants to have sex with her, like, a lot. They’ve talked about this, ad nauseum, and they’ve both agreed they’re ready. “It’s just—I’m scared. I guess.”

Nancy’s worried expression softens into something impossibly fond. “What about, d’you think?”

Robin chokes out a thin laugh, because the list of worries crowding to the forefront of her mind is so long she doesn’t even know where to start. That having sex will screw things up between them somehow. That she’ll be so bad at it that Nancy will say, Sorry, I’ve actually decided I’m not into girls anymore, and then Robin will have to crawl into a hole and die. That, impossibly, her dad will barge in, despite the fact that they’re not even at Robin’s house. That having sex with a girl is somehow a line that can’t be uncrossed, and even though Robin’s always, always been sure that this is what she wants, wanting it and actually doing it are two different things, and some part of her way in the back of her head can’t help being scared that this is going to make being gay real in a way that it hasn’t been so far, even though if anyone else said that to her out loud she’d punch them in the face. But she can’t say any of this to Nancy, can’t even find the breath to explain herself, so instead she just shrugs. To her supreme embarrassment, she feels tears pricking at the corners of her eyes.

“Can I—?” Nancy holds her arms out, the universal gesture for a hug, and Robin nods miserably. Nancy enfolds her in her arms, and they stand there like that, Robin’s arms awkwardly at her sides, Nancy’s palms warm on her shoulder blades. “We don’t have to, you know,” Nancy says quietly. “Not now, not ever, if you don’t want to.”

“I do,” Robin manages. She buries her face in Nancy’s shoulder. “I really, really do.”

“OK,” Nancy says easily, like they’re talking about what to get for dinner. One of her hands drifts up and tangles in Robin’s hair, and the gentle tug of Nancy’s fingers through her tangled hair undoes some of the tension at the center of Robin’s chest. It’s kind of incredible, actually, how much more grounded she feels, with just this little sting on her scalp.

“Can you . . .” She recognizes, even as she says it, that this is maybe not a good idea, that, on balance, what she’s about to ask is maybe a little bit fucked up, but now that it’s occurred to her, it’s too tempting to resist. “Do that again? But harder this time?”

Nancy draws back to look at her, with a searching expression on her face—not quite worried, but curious. “Really?”

“Just—” Robin shrugs a little. “Go with me on this?”

Nancy nods, slow and thoughtful. And then she tightens her hand in Robin’s hair and tugs—hard. Robin moans, embarrassingly loud and almost helpless with relief, and suddenly the buzzing under her skin isn’t nerves anymore, but something white hot.

Whatever’s happening on her face, Nancy must take it as a sign to keep going, because she leans in and kisses Robin, her hand still gripping Robin’s hair so tight her scalp is tingling. And then Nancy draws her lower lip between her teeth and bites, and Robin’s knees buckle so deliciously. There it is, she thinks, distantly, and then she’s crossing it: the threshold she couldn’t figure out how to cross on her own. After that, she’s not afraid anymore, not even a little.

[crystalninjaphoenix]

The Days After

A JSE Fanfic

SepticHeroes AU: Part 16

Previous Part

Originally this chapter was going to be my usual length, but some personal stuff happened this week so I had to cut it short. It’s still pretty long, tho! Because it is so hard for me to write short things haha. Jackie deals with the fallout of the Puppeteer’s attack at the ceremony, and transitions into his full Hero duties. Meanwhile, Schneep visits Jameson, who seems a bit... troubled. Aaaand yeah. Hope you have fun reading :)

===============

Damage control for the ruined welcoming ceremony took a few days to sort out. Jackie got the rest of Halloween off to spend with Chase, as he promised, but after that he spent a lot of time rushing around as Windstorm. He had to hold a press conference! He’d never done that before! It was more than a little nerve-wracking, but he got through it by putting on a smile and pretending to be calm.

Naturally, the city was in an uproar about the Puppeteer. Most of them hadn’t heard of him before, and his way of announcing himself was frightening. A villain strong enough to mind control dozens of people at once, including notable Heroes? Such a thing hadn’t been seen in recent memory. The news was buzzing, social media was alight, and the League was scrambling to keep things under control, reassure people that this was a one-time thing that would never happen again. They told Jackie to go out on patrol more often, and to make sure he was seen. Nothing reassured people like seeing their Hero.

Jackie told himself that with all this patrolling, he was too busy to tell Chase the truth. But he knew that was a lie. He just didn’t want to tell Chase he was Windstorm.

But he didn’t dare voice that out loud. Schneep texted him the day after Halloween, asking, Did you tell Chase yet?

Jackie responded with, No its been one day and also im busy rn.

When will you be less busy?

Idk. Ill tell you when i tell him.

He then proceeded to not contact Schneep for a week straight. Completely ghosting the doctor made him feel a bit bad, but he wanted to avoid the awkwardness that was sure to come—especially in front of Chase or JJ, who might wonder what was going on. How do you just... spend time with someone, knowing they were a super villain?

He could treat Schneep the same way he treated Spitfire Cat: with reluctant trust. But the two situations were completely different. He knew Spitfire as a villain first, but Schneep was his friend before Jackie knew he was the Specter. Trust with Spitfire had slowly grown from nothing. Trust with Schneep was already there, but now it was shakier.

Oh yeah, Spitfire.

On the same day Schneep texted him, Spitfire emailed Jackie again. But he didn’t see it until the next morning when he finally checked the burner email. The subject line was simply Are you alive? 

The following body read You disappeared from the ceremony after the Puppeteer showed up. What happened? I heard you were injured. Is that true? Contact me ASAP. We need to talk about what to do next. Also I don’t want you to be dead.

Oops. Jackie sat down and wrote out his reply. I’m not dead. Surprised you cared enough to send an email, haha. But you’re right, I was injured. I fell through a glass panel and a big shard hit me. I’m alright now, though. I had to leave the ceremony to get treated. If we’re talking about what to do next, we can drop the search for the Specter. I’ve confirmed that he’s not involved with the Puppeteer. That DOES leave us with no leads, I know, but trust me on this. We can figure something else out. I can do my usual hero-ly duties, and you can do whatever you do. Sort of related, where were YOU in all that chaos at the ceremony? I didn’t see you. But I guess it would’ve been hard to pick one person out of there.

He checked the email again that evening and read Spitfire’s reply. I saved your life, you know. There was someone on the balcony with a gun. I pushed it off balance with my solid-heat energy. Anyway. You’re not dead and that’s good. I don’t know how you’re so sure the Specter isn’t involved. Did you talk to him or something? It doesn’t matter. There’s sure to be havoc in certain circles when any new villain announces themself, I’ll keep an ear out for anything. And remember, when the LoH gives you that Semi-Autonomous Machine, you promised to have my friend look at it.

Someone was on a balcony with a gun?! Wait, yes. That made sense. Jackie had forgotten about it in the wake of being stabbed with glass, but the whole chaos of the ceremony had started when some projectile grazed his arm. He still had that cut. And now that he was thinking about it, he did remember a thin red laser-line leading to the overlooking balcony. That could have been Spitfire’s solid-heat energy. But it also could have been a false memory.

Also, Jackie was pretty sure he’d never promised that. He had told Spitfire he would think about it, but he never made any promises. He still didn’t like the idea of giving a Semi-Autonomous Machine—a SAM—to Spitfire or any friends of his.

But...maybe. There was that reluctant trust, after all. He used to think it was a foolish decision to trust a super villain in any capacity. But that was before Schneep turned out to be the thief he was pursuing.

He drafted a reply to Spitfire’s email, but then got a call about a jewelry store robbery and had to fly out. After that, he forgot all about it.

Even though Jackie was an official Hero now, there was still so much to do. Leapfrog was no longer his go-to for League stuff. Instead, she introduced him to his new handler, who went by the codename Magnify. The three of them had a video conference via the Red Line. Magnify turned out to be an older man with thick dark hair streaked with gray. He introduced himself as a “big fan” of Windstorm. Seemed nice enough. But Jackie must’ve been used to Leapfrog, because he found himself not wanting to talk to Magnify as much as he had with her.

Jackie also officially quit his old job. He didn’t tell Chase, but Chase noticed anyway.

“Hey, did something change with your...like, schedule or something?” Chase asked one day while they were making breakfast (two separate ones: waffles for Jackie and toast for Chase, though he knew Chase would eventually ask if he could have some.)

“What d’you mean?” Jackie asked.

“I mean, I have your usual times written down here.” Chase pointed at a sticky note on the fridge, where Jackie’s old hours for his job had been written. “I think you said, like, your hours were weird and irregular, but these were consistent. So did something happen?”

“Uhhh yeah,” Jackie said, stubbornly not looking at Chase and instead staring at the timer he’d set for the waffles. “I quit my old job, actually.”

“Oh really? And you got a new one?”

“Yeah.”

Chase grinned. “Congrats, bro! I mean, I assume this is a good thing.”

Jackie couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, it’s a good thing. It’s... something I’d always wanted to do.”

“What is it?”

Jackie hesitated. “Uh, it’s with law enforcement.”

“Bro, you’re a cop now?!”

“No no no, but I do work with the police now. I...“ Jackie scrambled for an explanation that wasn’t ‘I’m a superhero.’ “I check out the crime scenes and stuff. So, uh, my schedule is gonna be even weirder than before. I can try to go in regularly, if you want to write it down.”

“You don’t have to, but, uh, it would help to know when you’re usually gone,” Chase admitted. “Well, uh, that’s great, Jackie!” He leaned over and gave Jackie a quick side hug. “I’m glad you’re doing something you want!”

“Ha. Yeah. It’s... pretty great.” Jackie smiled, and tried not to think about the guilt curling in his stomach.

He had to tell Chase eventually. He couldn’t keep this up forever.

===============

A week passed. The media calmed down with all the “Ceremony Gone Wrong!” news, but they didn’t forget about the Puppeteer. Meanwhile, Magnify told Jackie that the scheduled delivery of SAMs to Heroes had been delayed by another week. “SepTech’s in chaos, since their system got hacked,” he explained. “They apologize for the trouble.”

“It’s no problem,” Jackie said, and gave a little laugh. “I wasn’t expecting to get one at all.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Magnify said, no humor in his voice. “Of course you are.”

Well... that conversation was... fun. Jackie was glad that Magnify wasn’t fond of long phone calls, because he wasn’t sure if he could handle the handler’s serious attitude. After it was done, Jackie sighed and flopped down onto his bed, putting the Red Line back on his dresser. He stared out the window at the darkening sky. It was only 5:45, but he was already exhausted. Another day spent constantly patrolling. He enjoyed flying around, but the concentration and physical activity really started to wear on him after a while. He should probably start toning it down again.

And then his phone started to ring, snapping him out of his tiredness. He sat up straight and grabbed it from the dresser. Caller ID lit up the screen; Schneep was calling.

Jackie hesitated. Then, just when the ringing was about to stop, he accepted the call. “Hello?” he said, audibly reluctant.

“Am I on speaker phone?” Schneep asked.

“What? Uh, no? Why?”

“I wanted to be sure,” Schneep said. “Jackie. Have you told Chase yet?”

“It’s only been a week, Schneep,” Jackie sighed. “I can’t... just suddenly tell him like that. I need time to prepare.”

“You have had seven days to prepare.”

“And I’ll need more!”

Schneep paused. “You can tell him whenever you want, of course,” he said gently. “But just know that I will be hounding you about it until you do.“ His voice shifted to something both teasing and matter-of-fact.

“Honestly I’m not surprised to hear that,” Jackie said tiredly.

“Jackie, if I am remembering correctly, you don’t want anything to change between you and Chase,” Schneep continued. “But the longer you keep a secret, the more risk there is of him finding out on his own. And it will be easiest to keep things the same if you can control how he learns your secret.”

“I know, okay?!” Jackie snapped. “I know this!” A gust of wind blew through the room, ruffling loose cloth and paper. Jackie took a moment to get control of it. “You’re bothering me about telling Chase, but you’re not telling JJ your secret,” he grumbled.

A long silence. “Jamie is... i-it is complicated.”

“How? How is it more complicated than what I got going on here? Because he’s your family?”

“There is that,” Schneep said slowly. “But also he... he does not need anything to... worry about.”

“Well, neither does Chase!”

“That is true, but...” Schneep let out a sound of frustration.

“If there’s something going on with Jameson, can you tell me?” Jackie prompted.

“...it is not my story to tell,” Schneep said quietly.

Jackie could hear a sad sort of...recollection in Schneep’s voice. As if he was remembering something heavy. He wondered what Schneep was thinking about...

===============

The day after Halloween, Schneep checked in on Jameson.

He had visited the evening before, as well. He would have visited sooner in the day, but there was the morning heist (which had not been fruitful, god damn it). And then Jackie showed up bleeding and he had to treat that whole mess, and afterwards he waited by the phone for a couple hours, just in case Jackie suddenly called him shouting that the stitches had ripped open, or he’d collapsed while flying, or something just as bad. It wasn’t an unlikely scenario. Jackie had proven that he cared more about heroics than his health. But after a while, he trusted that Jackie was fine, and he got ready to stop by JJ’s shop for a quick visit.

Or at least, he assumed it would be quick, given how JJ insisted on being alone for his birthday. Things did not turn out that way.

Today, Schneep made the journey across the city to Jackson Legacy Crafts. The shop was closed and the door was locked, but JJ had given him a key a while ago, so he walked right in. He didn’t stop to look at the wares and instead went straight to the doorway behind the counter. This led to the stairwell, which led to the apartment above. The apartment where JJ had grown up, living with his family. He was the only one living there now.

The stairwell was dimly lit by an old yellow bulb, and Schneep hoped he didn’t trip on a step. He would hate to drop the bag he was carrying. Also it would suck if he fell down the stairs. But that was unlikely.

The sound of the television leaked through the wooden trapdoor at the top of the stairwell. Schneep gently pushed that door open and looked into the apartment. It was mostly dark, lit up only by the TV. “You really need overhead lights in here, my friend,” he muttered, and climbed into the room.

The Jackson apartment was small, but still managed to have two floors. The top level had two bedrooms, while the bottom was an open floor plan, a combination kitchen/dining room/living room. To the right was the television and some bookshelves. To the left was a spiral staircase leading up. To the back was the kitchen/dining room, pushed up against a row of windows. To the front was another row of windows, as well as the bathroom and a storage closet that was used to store work-in-progress crafts. Right in the middle of the room, next to the trapdoor that led to the stairwell, was the living area, composed of two armchairs and a sofa—a sofa where Jameson currently sat.

He didn’t respond to Schneep’s comment. He glanced over as Schneep came out of the trapdoor and started turning on lamps, then went back to staring at the TV. His eyes were wide, as if afraid he would miss anything. He was wearing the same outfit Schneep had seen him in yesterday: a simple white T-shirt, black sweatpants, and socks. Not Jameson’s usual spiffy style. He had a blanket draped over his shoulders. There were dark bags under his wide eyes, standing out against his pale skin.

“What are you watching?” Schneep glanced at the TV as he walked around. “The news? I didn’t know you had such an interest in current events.” The news was running another piece on the chaos of the welcoming ceremony, this time focused on this new villain, the Puppeteer. There had been no mentions of the Specter.

Jameson shrugged. He didn’t look away from the screen.

“What did you have for dinner?” Schneep asked, turning on another lamp to reveal the green patterned wallpaper.

Another shrug.

“Did you eat anything at all?”

Jameson slowly shook his head.

Schneep sighed. “Well, I brought a treat, but if you haven’t eaten anything either, I will make you something.” He walked over to the kitchen area. On the way, he passed the closet, and glanced inside. It had been used as a workshop by Jameson’s parents first—David and Klara had made many projects in there, sewing and carving and tinkering. Jameson said he used it the same way, but looking into the makeshift workspace now, he saw a thin layer of dust covering everything, from the half-carved wooden dolls to the clocks with their gears out. It hadn’t been used in months, at least.

Jameson finally turned to look at Schneep. You don’t have to do that, he signed.

“I think I do.” Schneep began looking through the cabinets. “I would not think I’d have to tell you that not eating for an entire day is bad.”

I haven’t been hungry, Jameson said slowly.

Neither of them mentioned what happened yesterday. But Schneep could feel it weighing heavily in the air between them. The memories hit him like they were solid things as he went about making food. 

He’d let himself in, just like he had today, but not seen Jameson anywhere in the apartment. How he went up to the bedrooms to see if Jameson was there, only to find his bedroom door locked. Obviously Jameson couldn’t answer his questions through the door, but after a while, Schneep started to get afraid, wondering if JJ wasn’t answering the door because something happened to him. He waited ten minutes, knocking and shouting and trying to listen for any sound inside, then the anxiety grew too much and he walked straight through the solid door, thinking that if this was how Jameson found out his cousin was a super, it was worth it.

But Jameson hadn’t been paying attention. He’d been turned away from the door, curled up on his bed, breathing fast with tear-stained eyes. Schneep knew how to recognize distress. A panic attack? Clothes were scattered about the floor—as if the attack had come on while he was in the middle of changing. Schneep had immediately rushed forward and done his best to help Jameson calm down. He wasn’t sure how good he’d been at it. You were supposed to “ground” someone having intense anxiety, and Schneep had never been good at that, not even for himself.

Eventually, though, Jameson calmed down. When asked, he admitted that he’d been in that state for “a few hours.” Schneep had spent the rest of the evening helping him out. Cleaning and making food, mostly—just like he was doing now.

He didn’t know what had caused that state. Jameson wouldn’t tell him, no matter what he said. But he didn’t want to press too much. That might just make things worse.

“Food is done,” Schneep announced. “Do you want to come over here to eat or should I take it there?”

Silently, Jameson stood up and walked over to the dinner table, sitting down. He still glanced frequently at the TV, paying close attention to the news broadcast.

“You do not have many groceries,” Schneep said, setting a plate down in front of Jameson. “I hope pasta and vegetables is fine. And water to drink. Your milk is expired.”

Thank you, Jameson said, his signs small. Do you want anything?

“It is no problem.” Schneep sat down across from him. “I ate earlier. Oh! Also, I brought this.” He reached into the bag he’d brought and pulled out a plastic container of store-bought cupcakes. “Both chocolate and vanilla in here.”

Jameson gave him a small smile. He stabbed some of the pasta with his fork, but didn’t eat. Just stared at it before his eyes drifted back towards the TV.

It was then that Schneep noticed the bracelets. “Where did you get those?” he asked, leaning closer. They were simple enough, just beads on a string. But... “They look rather tight around your wrists.”

The fork clattered back to the plate. Jameson folded his arms, tucking his hands and into his armpits. The movement was trying to be casual but he moved just too quickly to pull it off.

“Can you adjust them?” Schneep persisted. “Or did you tie them too tight? I can help if you want.” He hadn’t seen the knot or any spare dangling string, though, so unfortunately they might need to be cut—

No, it’s fine, JJ hurriedly signed. I can fix them later.

“Are you sure?”

It’s fine, Jameson repeated.

Schneep leaned back. “If you say so.” Now that he was thinking about it, Jameson was wearing them yesterday, too. He’d been too focused on calming him down to give them much thought. “I never thought of you as a jewelry person.”

A customer gave me a bracelet-making kit, JJ explained. I thought it would be fun to try. And I like them. They’re nice.

“If you say so.” Schneep still thought it was a little strange, but he didn’t want to push Jameson too much. It was his choice, anyway.

Can you... Jameson hesitated, then continued. Can you stay for a little? I don’t want to be alone in this place anymore.

“It has been rather empty,” Schneep muttered. He hadn’t been around to see it lived-in, but he could imagine it. Could feel it in the other bedroom where absence took up space. “I will stay, don’t worry, Jameson.”

JJ sighed. Thank you, he signed, relieved. Then began to eat, still occasionally looking towards the TV where the news segment on the Puppeteer still played.

===============

“Jackie, are you going to say something?” Schneep asked.

“Are you going to say something?” Jackie rebutted. “You trailed off.”

“I was thinking.”

“About what?”

“Don’t change the subject,” Schneep said sternly. “We were talking about you.”

Jackie sighed. He got the feeling Schneep wasn’t telling him something, but whatever. It was probably some personal business or something. “I’ll tell Chase when I tell Chase, okay?” 

“Just do it sooner and not later,” Schneep said. “It will make everything easier.”

“I know it—hang on.” The Red Line had started ringing, the distinct bring bring! loud in Jackie’s small room. “I’ve got another call coming in.”

“Sure you do.” He could practically hear Schneep rolling his eyes.

“I actually do, I promise! It’s Hero stuff.”

“Tell me about it, then.”

“I don’t know what it is yet! And I’m not sure if I could anyway, I signed a million different things joining the League, some of them were probably NDAs. Just—talk to me later, okay?”

“Fine. I will see you around, then.” And Schneep hung up.

Jackie sighed, then quickly traded his phone for the Red Line before it stopped ringing. Surely Magnify didn’t need to talk to him again. Glancing at the screen, he saw an unfamiliar ID number on the screen: H-826-33-1691411. Everyone in the League got an ID number, even him. Leapfrog had explained the meanings to him a long time ago. 826 meant the person was located in Britain, 33 was the number for the local county, and H meant they were a Hero.

Confused, he accepted the call. “Hello?”

“Hi, Windstorm?” said a female voice. “It’s me, Pink Sunset!”

“Oh hey!”

Pink Sunset giggled. “You sound surprised.”

“I, uh...wasn’t expecting you to call. How’d you get my number?” Jackie himself only knew a few, one of which was his own (H-826-33-2391440).

“I asked my handler and she asked yours. You should probably add me to your contacts after this, I’ve already added you.”

“You have?”

“Of course!” Pink Sunset said cheerily. “Our cities are so close, we might need each other’s help someday.”

“Ahhh right.” Internally, Jackie cursed. That seemed so obvious! He wanted to join the League to meet Heroes, how was he supposed to do that if he didn’t know how to contact them? “So, were you calling to tell me to add you, then?”

“Well that, and something else,” Pink Sunset continued. “I know that I have to thank you for saving my life again.”

“Huh? You mean what happened at the ceremony?” Jackie gave a little laugh. “That wasn’t really—thank you, but I didn’t really do anything.”

“You stopped this Puppeteer guy, didn’t you?”

“Well, I distracted him long enough for him to drop the mind control on everyone. He got away afterwards.”

“You stopped the crisis he caused, then. Sucks that he slipped away, but damage control is most of being a Hero. I was fighting Crystalize when the mind control dropped, and I was seriously worried they would kill me, so like I said, you saved my life again by distracting the puppet guy.”

“Uh... you’re welcome, then,” Jackie said awkwardly.

Pink Sunset burst into laughter. “Oh, you’re great, Windstorm,” she sighed. “I want to show you something. Are you free on Saturday?”

Jackie narrowed his eyes. “For what? A date?”

“No—though I wouldn’t object if you wanted that.”

“No no, th-that’s not what I meant,” Jackie stammered. “I mean, I wouldn’t mind, but, uh, I’m not looking for, uh, dating right now.” Dating had felt weird ever since he started hero work. Romance, more than any other relationship, was all about trust, and hiding an entire secret identity from potential partners had made Jackie nervous. Not too different from how he was nervous telling Chase, his best friend... he quickly pushed that thought aside. Anyway, dating a Hero or other League member would probably be different. But he still felt weird about it.

“Well maybe some other time, then,” Pink Sunset said lightheartedly. “We can keep the possibility open. No, this Saturday I want to give you a proper welcome to the League. Something that doubles as a ‘thank you for preventing a crisis.’ There’s this place you just have to see.”

“What is it? Where?”

“Oh, I want it to be a surprise.” Pink Sunset sounded positively giddy at the idea. “But you should wear your supersuit. I can message you the coordinates! It’s outside of Daindover, should take a few hours to drive.”

“I can’t drive,” Jackie said. “I mostly fly or use public transport.”

“Ah. Well, you should be able to fly there. I don’t know your top speed, though, so that’s up to you to account for. So? Are you free?”

He thought about it. Nothing else was going on Saturday. And he was really curious about what she was talking about. “Alright, sure, I’ll come,” he said. “Thanks, Pink Sunset.”

“Oh please, call me Lorelai,” she said.

“Lorelai?” Jackie repeated. “That’s so cool! Sounds like a fantasy name. You can call me Jackie, then.”

“Thank you! Jackie’s very nice, too. I’ll see you on Saturday, Jackie. Does, hmmm, two o’clock work for you?”

“Probably. Depends on how far this place is.” He usually flew slower than a car could drive, but he didn’t have to stick to roads, so if it was “a few hours to drive” he would probably have to leave early...

“It’s not that far. You’ll be back by evening, I’m sure.” Pink Sunset—Lorelai cleared her throat. “Well, see you then!”

“See you.” Jackie waited for Lorelai to end the call first before he did.

He’d never expected something like that to happen. Hopefully whatever Lorelai wanted to show him was relaxing. He’d had enough stress recently.

[just-anarchie]

right so I've been doing a lot of checkups lately with doctors cos im getting a surgery in a month. and my doctor was concerned about my diet so she told me to begin eating more vegetables and getting more calcium in my diet. that's fine whatever yadda yadda health stuff. she told me if i have trouble with getting stuff in me to try making smoothies because they 'remove the texture' or something.

yeah they do remove the texture. but have you ever felt smoothie texture on your tongue??? i hate this. why is this such a difficult thing to navigate. autism + disordered eating is awful

[brattybottombunny]

oh yeah i totally get that. i used to be a vet tech and although we werent an emergency office we still got them sometimes when people knew their animal wouldnt make it to the nearest emergency. what does all hell break loose entail for your job exactly? and no need to apologize, i asked because i genuinely wanted to know

i was pleasantly surprised i got clocked so easily actually !! lots of people type lowercase

yeah i feel like that’s very similar!! usually it just means a lot of people coming in at the same time. we usually only have one doctor working, so it’s a lot for them to deal with, not including when they have to do their own X-rays and stuff. it means people have to wait, not usually more than two hours or so, so it’s better than an ER but still not great, and im the one that has to tell them and deal with it, so it’s stressful. and sometimes it can also mean like, injuries or actually really sick kids who are having trouble breathing or whatever all coming in at the same time 🙈 i know, but im totally rambling

i guess that’s true, i write in all lowercase! :p i don’t know, just vibes i guess 🥰

[missed-connections-of-fear]

B

Words are hard again and things are blurring together still. lines between categories are weird, right? I keep going on and on in my head about how cool Spiral stuff is but im sure because i look like that one glitchy character from the show that i saw on tiktok with the backpack with a broken leg im probably Stranger to someone. humans just have all these categories that they use to make sense of the world and its stupid. like i transed my gender and decided to call myself Cass, but everyone assumes its a girl name. what even is supposed to be a girl name and a boy name. its so stupid.

why do these people even get scared of the spinning clocks, its not like there's any way for them to know what time of the day it is if they wanted. right, ive been dragging some people in and i let them go if im bored but sometimes i hear someone scream and by the time i get there its a maze again and i cant find them. i cant tell if i feel bad or not. aleximytha or whatever the doctor called it. doctor? psychologist. but theres also some depression? not sad crying. there's a word. dissociation. thats it.

i've been glitching some objects to feel better as a sensory thing and i got so brave that i tired a whole wall and now i cant undo it and every time i glitch it again it gets worse so watch for a wall thats flipped inside out with spikesy stuff. i probaly shouldnt confess this stuff because what if its still weird when the world goes back and i get in trouble. eh too lazy to undo. probably a lot of spelling mistakes i used to be super formal but im too lazy and blurry (heh jokes, because physically and mentally). gonna sound like the ramblings of someone coming of of anesetics when i reread this.

I’m sorry B. I don’t know if you can control this or not. But like maybe focusing hard on things would help? I don’t know I’m in the dark as much as you.

- Rose

[rotruff]

PLEHHHHH whatever i'm going to ramble abt my s/i thoughts and feelings.

they don't have a concrete name because I Suck At That but my list of ideas rn is davie, malibu, sarasota, or juneau because i like them. smiles. for sake of ease i'll use sara :thumbs_up:

every single s/i i make has to have some job pertaining to medical or mortuary and i'm thinking it could be an unlicensed doctor at a nearby clinic whose known dr//ayton for a while and just likes stopping by the gas station every now and then. their friendship mostly revolves around complaining about business and visitors and the weather. maybe ends up stopping by on an off day and catching a glimpse of bu//bba and immediately starts asking dr//ayton questions and he realizes very quickly it's asking in a 'i wont him' way. i'd imagine he'd give it some shit because That's His Brother but i think with time it'd 'prove itself' to him as being trustworthy.

it'd probably have to move in pretty quickly since the whole 'hey we eat people!' thing doesn't allow for a whole lot of moving around but it still takes shifts when it can.

the first movie has a special place in my heart so im going more off that one but i think it and nu//bbins would get along. again the speech troubles and morbid interests are definitely a point of bonding. it's fighting through the heat to walk along the road with him looking for anything that sticks out in the name of bonding. the image has been stuck in my head so i think it would try and tie his hair up and he would have fun with it for the 5 minutes it lasts (his hair isn't quite long enough ...) . overall i think they're both talking scary morbid strange to eachother and having a good time

c//hop im a lot less certain abt .. i think its lower energy demeanor would put him off a little and a lot of their intial interactions would be him trying to get a reaction out of it through roughhousing and prodding which would Not Be Pleasant. i think eventually they would warm up to eachother though through music or humor, its making a well-timed joke and he's mentally giving props. smiles. it's still mostly one-sided conversations but occasionally the energy will get matched and they'll either be lazing about doing their own thing in the same general area or they'll be wrestling until it turns into mutual mauling and someone else intervenes

[anxiousdemifaemess]

okay so i just read a post talking about the Real Problem of a lot of neurotypicals misunderstanding- deliberately or not- what autism is and self diagnosing, as well as the sanitized and idealized internet version. op had reblogs and replies turned off, reasonably, but i do have my own two cents to pitch in.

i am autistic, and even as a toddler, my parents were told by the doctors that i was autistic. but i was also in an abusive situation- my bio mom was criminally neglectful, and as a result i was incredibly overwhelmed and upset, as well as consistently behind on milestones because my bio mom had custody.

my parents were insistent that i was too smart to be autistic. that i was a brilliant kid, and so well behaved- but only when my needs were met. only when i was taken care of. when my bio mom finally lost custody, i was a wreck. my routine was interrupted every two weeks, only for promises of "mommy is coming, mommy will play and talk and spend time with you" to be broken, again and again and again.

and every time, i would have meltdowns so severe, my mom would have to bundle me into a blanket, and hold me so i wouldn't hurt myself or anyone else. and my routine would settle back in place- but then my bio mom would make another promise, and it would be broken.

despite these massive and obvious meltdowns, my parents refused the autism diagnosis. so i had meltdowns, so often and so regularly that i have been infantilized well into adulthood for having 'tantrums' until i was 10. but they were never tantrums. i stopped kicking and screaming- but only because i had that literally beat out of me. so i got quiet, and i cried, and i would stop talking entirely. this still happens.

i was never a 'shy, demure autistic child'. i was a weird kid, and i was a people pleaser, and i was deeply traumatised. to the point that ive got DID, and remember most of my life until i was like. 12-14yo through secondhand stories.

i can mostly function on my own. i can go to the store, and get a job, and be functional. but. i will get so absorbed in a hyperfixation that i won't do anything else for several hours. i won't shower for days, because the start of a shower is a sensory hell. i have trouble keeping a job- both because my physical health rapidly deteriorates, and because i experience burnout after 6 months to a year.

and the thing that gets to me is the sanitized, pretty, idealistic autism shown in a lot of tiktoks and instagrams and whatever else- well. they stim a little, and they dont have meltdowns, and their interests are Normal- they are Good Autistics, they are Like You and Not Scary like Other Autistics. and im a scary autistic- or i was. and there are other autistic people who are still considered scary. and instead of trying to make sure people are aware, its this feeling of "i can pretend at Normal so you cant hurt me, but i'm leaving everyone else to die or be demonized."

[traumatictouch]

why tomura reads like a sexual abuse survivor

ive noticed that a lot of survivors - including me - easily read tomura as a csa survivor. ive decided to try to put these impressions into words, mostly for myself, but also for anyone curious as to why he’s so frequently read this way, or why i personally write him as such. i will mostly be elaborating on the reoccurring sexual assault imagery and csa survivor traits tomura exhibits.

triggering themes ahead, including discussed child sexual abuse, incest (sibling and pseudo), trauma and its effects, and sexual assault imagery (from the bnha manga itself). also spoilers for the most recent manga arc.

(disclaimer: i realize symptoms of trauma are pretty much common all across the board, and depression also comes with a lot of these behaviors - but there are some that crop up more commonly in cases of sexual abuse (especially from a young age) than in others. csa survivors also frequently end up with depression, too, so that doesn't necessarily take away from it.)

i’ll start with the cover above. the hands touching him here are much more expressive than the ones he usually wears. it's also framed in a way where you can't see the ends/cap things very well, and they don't appear so symmetrical, making them feel much more like real, living hands grabbing him.

there's also the fact that his face is exposed, which is something we had rarely seen him do willingly at this point in the manga, and even when he had he was still covered up with a hoodie or completely alone. the way he's covering half his face gives off the impression that he's not okay with the way he's exposed.

all of that, plus the obvious distress tomura is in, gives this very glaring assault vibes.

also, the hands on his head are clearly someone's actual, living hands as well. my guess is afo, especially since they seem to be petting him, which is reoccurring imagery between tomura and afo.

tomura's total lack of privacy

there's a clear lack of boundaries between tomura and the adults in his life. most of the spaces that seem to belong to tomura (the bar - he feels safe enough there to take Father off, and his room) are accompanied by cameras and audio transmissions from afo. he has no privacy, and doesn't even seem bothered by this fact.

he also doesn't seem to set boundaries with other people in general. toga can hold a knife to his neck, spinner can grab him and yell in his face, the doctor can shout over his earpiece, dabi (or anyone, really) can say whatever rude or callous things he wants to him… really the only time i can think of that even comes close was when mr. compress made a joke about working with overhaul and tomura said "hey, not funny."

he seems to kinda just let whatever happen to him. earlier in the series, tomura seemed to rely on kurogiri to notice when he needed space and step in for him rather than ask for it himself. that's a pretty telltale sign of someone who's had their needs and boundaries violated (or even punished) for a long time.

Tomuras over-attachment to afo and his praise/affection

obviously afo groomed tomura whether it involved sexual abuse or not, but it is something that could have easily lended itself to that as well. early in the series, tomura clearly highly valued afos opinion of him, and seemed to strive to please and repay him for his kindness. these are feelings afo incited in him on purpose and did, canonically, take advantage of to turn tomura into a villain and pawn - who's to say he didn't use it for other purposes, too?

it's also the kind of thing survivors tend to latch onto to cope with their abuse. it can be easier to think of the event as being affection, returning a favor, and/or special treatment, than to think of it as abuse. tomura looked up to afo so much that it's possible he could have considered (or been convinced) that it was special that someone as great as afo wanted to do something so intimate with him.

also, if this is really tomura realizing his sensei isn't as special and powerful as he'd been led to believe, then his reaction being to cover up while looking angry might, well… be a reaction to feeling used.

Tomura & older men

there's not a lot of people besides afo that tomura seems very quickly, openly… invested in. there are two major ones i can think of, and they are both 1. older men, and 2. mentor figures (even if not to tomura.)

the most obvious of the two is aizawa, who tomura has seemed pretty fond of since his first appearance and, even in the most recent chapters, can't seem to help but think about how cool aizawa is. aizawa isn't a mentor to tomura, obviously, but he is a teacher and tomura knows this. (and seems impressed by the way he tries to protect the students in his care--something afo very specifically does not do for tomura.)

the second, and perhaps less obvious to most, is Stain. i wrote up a whole post trying (trying.) to explain the way tomura seemed interested in him, and you can see a bit more about that and how tomura was hoping he'd be a mentor to him here.

in other words, tomura has shown reoccurring interest in older men, who are mentors, that he does not show for anyone else.

early sexual abuse can influence a person's attractions. survivors tend to be drawn to what is familiar, even if it hurt, and so it's pretty common for them to be attracted to and/or desire a relationship with those who resemble their abuser(s).

and afo is an older man who is a mentor to tomura (and others.)

immaturity (& age regression)

tomura, in early canon, is often described by characters in-universe as being childish, especially in regards to how he processes his emotions. (i don't really like to conflate these things with "age" or "being childish" - but the way the manga itself presents these qualities is clearly intended to give tomura a immature/childish vibe.)

tomura's emotional processing, simple motivations, fixation with video games, toys littering his room, and need for close caregiving (kurogiri) all give off the impression that he's had trouble developing the way he "”should”" have--kind of like he didn't really move on at all.

this sort of stunted development tends to occur in people with childhood trauma, especially csa survivors. ptsd at its core is the brain getting "stuck" in the moment of trauma, so if the trauma occurred as a child, then one's development is somewhat halted there, especially in areas of emotional processing, because the brain and body have to dedicate so much energy to just trying to cope and survive. it's pretty common for csa survivors to have trouble coping with and controlling their emotions.

relatedly: i have no real way to confirm this right now, but i’ve heard that during the mla arc, while tomura was kind of going in and out of flashbacks, he started switching to using “boku” - a self pronoun for young boys - as opposed to his usual “ore”). ive since had to wonder if this is a reoccurring state for tomura - it might partly explain why he keeps his toys around despite never showing interest in them on-screen, and has such close supervision from kurogiri.

again, age regression can go for any kind of childhood trauma, but seems very common in child sexual abuse survivors in particular.

Lack of hygiene (esp oral)

look at how tomura's teeth are drawn compared to even another villains. dabis teeth are straight and clean, whereas tomura's have holes and chips, and tend to be drawn uneven with wobbly lines, like they're covered in plaque.

not caring for one's hygiene is common for people with depression too - but failure to care for teeth also frequently crops up in survivors of sexual abuse, due to an aversion to things touching or being inside their mouth, because it can remind them of the abuse.

in a similar vein, tomura's hair looks unwashed and greasy to me, especially when it gets long. it sort of gathers in clumps and appears heavy. survivors may avoid taking showers because they aren't comfortable removing their clothes for long periods of time, or because the abuse occurred in proximity to bathing. (which is a convenient time for parental figures to groom and abuse their children, since it already involves them being naked and the parent touching them closely.)

in general, there just seems to be something off about tomura's relationship with his body. maybe it's the way he barely bats an eye at major injuries, doesn't care for his hygiene, self-injures, and didn't mind undergoing a surgery that altered its shape and function pretty heavily--but i get the impression that tomura sees his body as just a tool more than anything.

which, if someone grew up having their body regarded as nothing but a means of pleasure, kind of makes sense.

his clothing

im not sure if this has the same “connotations” (for lack of a better word) for flat chested people, but tomura always wearing a lowcut shirt that shows off a fair amount of his chest, but covering the rest of himself head to toe--including his face--feels significant to me. as well as the way he covers up even more (his hoodie) when he’s stressed. the hands, too--being covered up seems to be calming for him.

the placement of the hands afo gave him

you can't tell me little tenko placed these hands where they are by himself. the ones on his chest aren’t even from his family or meant to resemble them - they’re additional hands afo gave him to wear. pretty weird place for “afo”’s hands to go...

I feel like theres a little bit something to tomura frequently having his clothes ripped off during fights

not that it's particularly uncommon for bnha characters to get their clothes a bit shredded during fights, but i can't help but feel like there's something to tomura getting torn down to nothing but his pants twice, with both battles heavily involving tomura's traumas, including the ones related to afo. the vs mla arc with how tomura met afo and how he turned him into what he is today, then the war arc where the methods afo used to control and abuse tomura (the hands) are brought back again--and afo repeatedly takes tomura's bodily autonomy away from him.

AFO's predatory behaviors

tomuras own behavior aside, All For One himself has some behaviors and imagery that gives off very predatory vibes. i’ll start with Ragdoll…

most people theorize that she was going to be turned into a nomu, but there are two important things here. ragdoll was found 1. alive, and 2. naked. all nomu are made from corpses - if afo had time to take her quirk and undress her, he certainly had time to kill her, especially since three days had passed since she was kidnapped. (and, what benefit would there be to making a nomu out of a quirkless hero?)

her dazed state is also curious - we've never been told taking or giving quirks has a side effect like this, and i would think itd at least wear off after three days…

there's also not actually a lot to suggest she was submerged in one of the tanks (that i know of); in the full body image, she doesn't seem to be soaking wet or anything. there's no water dripping off her. there's just a bit of liquid on her face and neck, which could merely be sweat, or… other fluids.

this next part is more debatable due to it being more dubiously canon (although My Hero: One’s Justice has been known to basically spoil villain related lore before it appears in the manga) - but he has some dialogue that makes him sound... pretty fuckin enthusiastic about sexual violence.

and time and time again, afo has been... very creepy and obsessive about his brother. who happens to look an awful lot like tomura, and is vaguely connected to nana as a user of OFA, and we know how far afo would go to spite both of them.

The "wow this is pretty much confirmed now" page

i always thought i was just projecting when i read tomura as a csa survivor - until i saw this page, which was so viscerally uncomfortable that it made me nauseous. it definitely made me decide i wasn't just reading into things that weren't there. that's not exactly to say this panel 100% confirmed it (though it certainly did in my mind, personally) -- but the imagery here can't not be deliberate.

tomura is literally shirtless and bent over before afo, and sure, afos not completely standing behind him, but that's partially because his lower half is inside of tomura. and from our previous example of afo taking over tomura's body…

i wish i could find the translation i first saw - this is the viz translation, which is notoriously horrible - but the one i read felt much more along the lines of "i saved you, so i get to do what i want with your body."

that is a line of logic that could have EASILY applied to their earlier relationship. the way afo saved tenko was very much on the forefront of tomura's mind early in the series, possibly either an idea he clung onto to justify the abuse he experienced from afo, or something afo personally reminded him of frequently.

also… part of afos body is definitely wrapped around tomura's upper thigh, and in certain panels seems to be emanating from between his legs.

speaking of, tomura's stance is also notable to me. compared to the panel where tomura first realized afo was taking control of him, where his knees are pretty straight on or outwards in a powerful balanced brace, in these panels his knees seem to be bending in towards his body, like he wants to squeeze his legs shut. huh.

i touched on this before, but it's interesting to me that what finally let afo fully take control of tomura's body, was having a hand (one afo very specifically used to control and abuse tomura into doing what he wanted) placed upon his body without permission.

so, all in all, afo is "inside" tomura's body, using it for his own means, against tomura's wishes.

what else does that sound like? no wonder deku feels like tomura needs help, despite everything...

again, this isn't to say that csa is definitely the cause of these things, just that tomura does have an abundance of behaviors and imagery that could easily be read that way.

[xlbrh]

Genshin Impact - Small things they do to show their love

notes : so i’ve been trying to think of an idea for a long story to write for one of the characters, but i’ve been having a little bit of trouble :( if anyone has any suggestions i’d love to hear them! hopefully i’ll be able to come out with an introduction or something soon 

in the meantime i wrote this up, so i hope that you guys enjoy!

Genshin Masterlist

warnings : none

format : bulleted, headcanons. fluff

pairings : diluc, kaeya, childe, zhongli, xiao, albedo, aether x gn! reader

word count : 1426

everything under the cut-

Diluc:

during your nightly walks around mondstadt, he notices how chills can rack your body, especially when the wind blows

he’ll remove his jacket and drape it around your form, no matter how much you may protest

sometimes his arms will circle around your waist, drawing you towards him in an effort toto keep you warm until you get home

if you’ve been out adventuring close to the dawn winery, he’d invite you to the manor to share a meal or drink, whichever you’d like

whatever you desire, he’ll see to it that you receive it – most of the time he wouldn’t even ask you due to how well he can read you and your actions

when you try to refuse his offers, he’ll tell you ‘just let me look after you, my love’  

when you come to visit him in the angel’s share, he always has a seat ready just for you

he’ll keep a blanket and some books under the bar, since he knows how you like to curl up in the corner, engrossed in your reading

if you’d like he’ll come and sit with you for a short while, bringing a drink of your choice over while you tell each other about your day

Kaeya:

kaeya is the kind of man to call you every pet name under the sun

whether it be sweetheart, darling, love etc. he loves to use these types of names for you frequently, as a form of affection

he loves your reactions to them, especially when your cheeks flare up and you turn away out of shyness – he finds it extremely endearing

he would offer to train you in swordsmanship, regardless of whether you can already wield a sword or not

he likes to not only see your strength grow, but also offer you a way to protect yourself since he cannot be with you at all times

kaeya takes pride in the training sessions you have, after all they give him another reason to spend even more time with you

he loves for you guys to have matching things, no matter how small they may be 

for example, he’ll buy you a bracelet to wear, one that matches with one on his own wrist as well

jokingly he once bought you an eyepatch to match his, but he finds it sweet but hilarious when you’ll wear it around him sometimes

Childe:

since this man is a literal walking wallet, he has no problem with spoiling you with gifts

whether that be a necklace you’ve had your eye on, a new shirt because you ripped yours in battle, or a book he knows is the next in the series you enjoy

when asking him why he leaves you so many small gifts, his response is just ‘well, because i love you, of course!’

if you ever get hurt during a battle, he’ll be the first to help you

whether that be taking down the enemies if you haven’t already, or tending to the wounds you’ve received

he’d work with utmost caution, wrapping each wound gently and finishing them off with a kiss on top

when strolling the streets of liyue together, childe ensures that your body is connected to his one way or another at all times

whether that be intertwining your hands together, an arm loosely wrapped around your waist, or stopping to give you a brief peck on the forehead

he has no qualms in showing the public that you’re his – something he makes you well aware of

Zhongli:

he knows you love when he tells you stories of his past and the history of liyue, and he enjoys telling you about them

he finds the childlike wonder in your eyes adorable as he tells you tales of adepti and archons alike

zhongli will try his best to make them as entertaining as possible for you – drawing you in with every word he uttered

he likes to play with your hair, and for you to do the same to him

if you have longer hair you can guarantee he’d be braiding and styling your hair in all different ways, adorning it with hairpins he’d purchase for you

if your hair is on the shorter side then he’d love to run his fingers through, stroking your hair and massaging your scalp until you fall asleep with your head against his chest

if there is anything in particular that you take a big interest in, zhongli will try his best to research around it – even though he probably has the knowledge anyways

he wants to be able to talk to you about things you’re interested in, as well as share in the enjoyment that you get from it

he would leave small notes to you when he can’t always be around you, sometimes with small facts he learned of

Xiao:

he would for sure watch over you if you ever go on a long adventure, no matter what other duties he may have to attend to

expect to see a good few hilichurl and treasure hoarder camps abandoned thanks to his interference

‘anything to ensure your safety’, he thinks

some nights, when his duties have been fulfilled early, he’ll try his hand at preparing a meal for you to share

of course nothing especially fancy! After all he doesn’t have to eat himself – its all for your enjoyment

if he struggles he’d probably reach out to verr goldet some help

just imagine him setting a small picnic up on the wangshu inn rooftop iM WEAK

once xiao finally becomes accustomed to physical contact, he’d make an effort to hold your hand a lot more often

lightly squeezing it or tracing shapes with his thumb every now and again

if you’re lucky he way even take his gloves off – just to feel that warmth from his hand can be very comforting indeed

Albedo:

you’re literally the only person he will listen to when he is engrossed in his experiments

as we know he tends to block out the rest of the world when he is deep in though

but as soon as he hears your voice of concern asking if he’ll take a break to eat, you wanna bet he’ll be leaving his office in an instant to join you for lunch

he does the exact same for you when you’re hard at work, so he appreciates the way you always look after him

when out looking for more specimens to analyse, he stumbles across his fair share of flowers

of course he knows which are your favourites – he knows everything about you, after all – so he’ll be sure to pick some to bring home to you

when giving them to you, he mentions ‘well, they reminded me of you, so i thought you’d like them’

if you ever get ill for some reason, albedo becomes your personal doctor

he’ll spend hours preparing serums and medicines for you to alleviate your pain – but will never let you out of his sight while doing so

he’ll ask noelle if she can fix up some food for you in the meantime, since at every free opportunity he’s sat at your bedside, hand in yours as he whispers words of comfort to you

Aether:

aether is always ready to make you something to eat whenever you’d like!

he for sure has a small section of his brain dedicated to learning of recipes that he knows you enjoy, no matter how simple or complicated they may be

will make sure that you always have some lunch ready to take with you wherever you go, even if it means he had to wake up early and travel halfway across teyvat to bring it to you

he will bring you back numerous treasures from his travels

sometimes he’ll ask the locals in whichever area he’s in if they can craft the raw materials into something that you can treasure

there would be a shelf in your room specifically for aether’s gifts, where he’ll occasionally point to each one and tell you the story of how it made it’s way back to you

he makes sure to let you know how grateful he is to have you by his side

every time you do something for him, no matter how small it may be, he’ll thank you and let you know how much you mean to him

when on his travels he makes sure to write letters and send them home to you – just because he’s far away doesn’t mean he’s not still thinking about you

[rpmemes-galore]

disney’s treasure planet ... sentence starters

“What future?”

“Was it worth it?“

“I'll make you proud.“

“She's lost her mind!“

“There you go! Poetry.“

“I don't wanna lose you.“

“Mom’s gonna love this...”

“I say we kill them all now.“

“Playing games... are we?“

“Why, you impudent little...!“

“You have... wonderful eyes.”

“That's all they were; stories.“

“Go ahead! Slice him, dice him!“

“Don't ever let me do that, again.”

“Now at last, we hear some sense.“

“Okay, okay! You're both grounded!“

“So, uh, how'd that happen anyway?“

“Mmm! Delightfully tangy, yet robust.“

“But, he knew the risks, as do we all.“

“Yeah. Too bad my nose works just fine.”

“A ludicrous parcel of driveling galoots...”

“Don't you remember? All those stories?“

“Just a lifelong obsession... I’ll get over it.”

“Hit your head there pretty hard, didn't ya?“

“I don't know what to do, I get so flustered.“

“You give up a few things, chasing a dream.“

“We were better off on the exploding planet!”

“Why? You got something to hide, bright-eyes?“

“Oh, shut up. You know I don't mean a word of it.”

“Oh, don't be daft. You've been very helpful. Truly.“

“Hey, mister? Hey, mister, you're okay in there, right?“

“I mean, I am a doctor, but I'm not that kind of doctor.“

“I'm fluent in ‘flatula’. Took two years of it in high school.”

“I'm just sorry I couldn't have been... more helpful to you.“

“I just don't want to see you throw away your entire future!“

“I gotta find a place to hide, and there's pirates chasing me.”

“Aw, he took a shine to me. We've been together ever since.“

“I really, really, really, really want to go. And it's the right thing.“

“No. He was more the taking-off-and-never-coming-back sort.“

“Oh, pirates! Don't get me started on pirates! I don't like them.“

“With the greatest possible respect... zip your howling screamer.”

“All that talk of greatness? Light coming off my sails? What a joke.“

“Ah, I've got some plans... to make people see me a little different.“

“Yes, yes. No, I mean, I understand, but, um, co-couldn't we just---?“

“You can keep that kind of flim-flammery for your spaceport floozies.”

“Look, if you're gonna come along, you're gonna have to stop talking.“

“I don’t know... they weren't exactly singing my praises when I left home.”

“Oh, I see. Well, I was never much good at games... Always hated to lose.“

“You won't so much as eat, sleep, or scratch your BUM without my say-so!“

“Without the map we're dead. If we try to leave we're dead. If we stay here...“

“You're as trim and as bonnie as a sloop with new sails and a fresh coat of paint!“

“Are you saying this because it's the right thing... or because you really wanna go?“

“It's totally preposterous, traversing the entire galaxy alone... that’s why I’m going with you.”

“Like it or not, I'll be pounding a few skills into that thick head of yours to keep you out of trouble.”

“They're... How did I describe them? I said something rather good this morning before coffee.”

“You got the makings of greatness in you, but you got to take the helm and chart your own course!”

“Look at you! Glowing like a solar fire. You're something special. You're gonna rattle the stars, you are!”

“He's a-comin'. Can ya hear 'im? Those gears and gyros, clickin' and whirrin' like the devil, himself!”

“Didn't your pop ever teach you to pick your fights a bit more carefully? Your father not the teachin' sort?”

“I know that I keep messing everything up. And I know...that I let you down. But this is my chance to make it up to you.“

“I should never have listened to that pushy two-headed saleswoman... this one said it fit, that one said it was my color...”

“Is it that your body is too massive for your teeny-tiny head, or is it that your head is too teeny-tiny for your big fat body?“

“Look, don't you get it?! I screwed up! I mean, for two seconds, I thought that maybe I could do something right, but --- !”

“Whatever you heard back there, at least the part concerning you, I didn't mean a word of it. If that bloodthirsty lot thought I had gone soft, they'd have gutted us both.“

“This should be a wonderful opportunity for the two of us to get to know one and other. You know what they say. ‘Familiarity breeds...’, um, well, ‘contempt’. But, in our case...”

“I mean, I am a doctor, but I'm not that kind of doctor. I have a doctorate, it's not the same thing. You can't help people with a doctorate. You just sit there and you're useless!“

“And when the time comes you get the chance to really test the cut of your sails, and show what you're made of! Well, I hope I'm there, catching some of the light coming off you that day.“

[ayanna-wild]

Wedding Bells

Word Count: 1600

Pairings: Lucifer Morningstar x Reader

Warnings: the tiniest, smallest sprinkle of angst, but mostly just sickening fluff lol

A/N: This is a kind of older story from Wattpad, but I haven't had time to write a new one yet, because of cramming for exams, but don't fret my lovelies, I'll be getting back to writing requests very soon.

Summary: It was the day you'd been planning for months, the day that would change everything. It was like a dream, but the butterflies in your stomach, the way your leg bounced with unending anxiety and excitement reminded you that it was all real. That this day would be perfect, more perfect than you had ever hoped.

...............................................................................

Your day had started early, earlier than you had planned, but you woke long before your alarm had begun, long before the sunlight had graced the sky. You were quiet as you slipped out of bed, your fingers softly brushing the hair from your fiancé's face, a small smile pulling at your lips. He shifted a little, but remained soundly asleep. Your feet softly padded across the smooth cold floor as you headed towards the living room. 

The sight of a beautiful white gown hanging from the closet door caught your attention and you paused. You reached a hand out, softly tracing the lace and pearls that decorated the silk material. Today was the day, the day everything changed.

The day you married the devil.

"I do hope you're not getting cold feet darling, I'd be terribly embarrassed to be left at the altar."

The sound of your future husband's voice pulled you from your trance and you turned to face him, a small smile graving your lips.

"You're not supposed to be awake yet." You chided him softly.

He chuckled a bit, slipping out of bed to stand behind you. You leaned into his touch when he embraced you from behind, resting his chin on top of your head.

"I never did sleep well without you by my side." He murmured.

You placed your hands over where his wrapped around your waist. For a silent moment the two of you stood there, staring at the dress before you. The shaky breath Lucifer took in broke the silence and his words made your heart skip a beat.

"This is it isn't it? The day you become mine forever. My Queen. My darling wife." 

Your voice shook just a little as you spoke, the fluttering of the butterflies in your stomach spread goosebumps across your skin.

"Yeah, it is..."

Lucifer kissed your cheek as he released you from his hold.

"Mustn't dawdle darling, we've got a very busy day ahead of us."

You watched him disappear into the closet, and you looked back at your dress, fingers ghosting over the material one last time.

"Right... so much to do..."

You straightened your back, taking a small breath to steady yourself. With a small nod to yourself you walked out of the room, ready for whatever this day had in store for you.

~

Your morning seemed to drag on, and the longer it did the more your nerves grew, the more you wrung your hands, the more you resisted the urge to bite your nails that Lucifer had spent a fortune on.

Despite you insisting it wasn't necessary, but he'd insisted.

'Anything for my bride to be.' 

You smiled a little at the memory and bit your lip a little, careful not to smudge the makeup Linda had spent a careful amount of time doing for you. A hand rested on knee and you turned your head to look at Chloe.

"Are you okay? You're bouncing your leg a lot." 

You gave her a smile, one riddled with unspoken anxiety, underlined with excitement. She smiled back, fixing a stray curl in your hair Ella and Maze had spent so long on.

"I'm just nervous." 

"That's normal, I remember when I was marrying Dan, I was a bundle of nerves and stress, you're handling it a lot better than I am." Chloe laughed.

Her laugh put you more at ease, and  you found yourself laughing a long with her.

"I tend to internalize things." You shrugged.

Ella chimed in as well, and you were thankful for your four bridesmaids distraction. 

The ceremony drew nearer and people began to arrive at Lux; you insisted the wedding be there, it was first place Lucifer had ever truly called home and he was so happy when you told him you wanted to be married there.

But now you didn't want to leave the safety of the penthouse. You wanted nothing more than to walk down that aisle, marry the man you knew would give you the world if he could. However, the anxiety of it all was beginning to catch up to you and you found yourself unable to leave the bathroom you'd locked yourself in. Try as they might your bridesmaids could do nothing to convince you out. 

Linda volunteered to be the one to tell the groom of your unfortunate situation and Lucifer didn't look the least bit concerned. He simply looked out of the crowd of people, people you barely knew but had invited out of polite obligation. Your own family had refused to come, they'd never cared much for the devil. 

"I've just got the most splendid idea, you grab Daniel and Amenadiel, and meet me upstairs." Lucifer smiled cryptically.

Linda watched him walk away, standing there confused for a moment.

"Okay?" 

She went off to find the groomsmen. Dan had only been asked to be one because Lucifer knew you two were on good terms and friends, much to his disdain. Linda did as he asked, gathering everyone up, ushering them to the elevator as discreetly as she could. The crowd didn't seem to notice anything amiss.

When they stepped from the elevator they were surprised to see Lucifer and Maze moving furniture while Chloe and Ella decorated the penthouse with extra decorations left over. 

"What are you doing?" Dan was the first to ask.

"Why we're having a wedding Daniel! Don't just stand there, lend a hand!"

Dan shrugged before moving to help Amenadiel place the rug.

"Doctor be a dear and fetch my bride would you?" Lucifer hummed a little.

Linda stood there a moment, still trying to process everything.

"What about all the guests downstairs?"

"They've got the reception to enjoy, they'll be just fine, although this isn't really about them now it is?"

That was good enough for her and she walked to the bathroom, knocking lightly.

"Y/N, can you come out for a minute."

It was silent for a moment before there was a soft click of the lock. The door opened and Linda smiled.

"Come on, we have a surprise for you."

You could hardly believe your eyes, the penthouse although nothing extraordinary was decorated beautifully, and filled with the only people you truly cared where there. A small laugh escaped and you blinked back tears. Dan offered you his arm, as Linda took her place with the other bridesmaids. Dan led you closer to where Lucifer stood, more handsome than ever in his tux, Amenadiel standing ready to marry the two of you.

Lucifer watched you draw closer, and although he'd seen you in your dress before the sight of you now made his heart stop and he stood up straighter, his eyes refusing to look away from you for even a second, wanting to etch this moment into his memory forever. Amenadiel placed his hand on Lucifer's shoulder, smiling at his brother.

"Luci, you're crying." 

Lucifer cleared his throat, fixing his sleeves. He sputtered a moment, like he was trying to deny it but his expression softened and he found he didn't much care for the tears blurring his vision.

"Well of course I am brother! Just look at her... have you ever seen anyone more beautiful..."

Amenadiel smiled folding his hands in front of him in as Lucifer took your hands in his. Dan took his place beside Lucifer and the devil smiled at you.

"I'm sorry about putting you through all this trouble." You spoke softly.

He squeezed your hands a bit, his smile reassuringly.

"Darling it hardly matters where I marry you, just that I have you forever."

You smiled and Amenadiel cleared his throat.

"Can I continue?" 

Lucifer huffed, waving his brother off dismissively.

"Yes of course, let's hurry this along, I'm eager to begin my honeymoon."

You and the others laughed joyfully relieving the anxiety you'd been feeling. This was Lucifer, your best friend, the man or rather devil, you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You had no reason to worry, and with that thought in mind, a warm content feeling settled over you.

As Amenadiel went through the ceremony Lucifer held your hands a little tighter, his eyes never leaving yours.

When Amenadiel finally announced you as husband and wife Lucifer had almost impatiently pulled you into that fateful kiss. Your small group of friends cheered and you had smiled so wide as Lucifer dipped you. 

The moment hadn't been what either of you had originally planned, but it had been perfect nonetheless. And you knew you wouldn't change a thing.

~

The other guests had been understanding and were more than happy to simply enjoy the reception with the new Mr. and Mrs. Morningstar. So you drank, and you laughed and you danced, and when you danced that slow dance with your husband you couldn't help the tears that escaped, prompting your new husband's worry.

"I'm crying because I'm happy Lucifer." You assured him.

He swayed with you in his arms, and you cupped his face in your hands.

"I married the man I love, surrounded only by the people who mean the most to me. Today was perfect and I wouldn't change a thing."

Lucifer smiled, giving you a soft kiss, before you rested your head on his shoulder as the two of you swayed to the soft melody of the song playing.

"And I will love you forever, my beautiful wife."

You smiled as he held you tighter, joyful tears filling both of your eyes, and he pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

You'd done it.

You said your vows.

You said I do.

And you had kissed that devil with everything you had, and you'd never been happier, knowing you'd spend the rest of time with the man who loved you the most by your side.

..................................................................................

Tag List: @sallyp-53 @mizzezm @adira-secrets @we-are-all-alittle-strange-here @gingernarwal @im-just-along-for-the-ride @lifeshortbro @measure-in-pain @emiwrites3reads @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @kelly-n-russell @aiofheavenandhell @beththedemonhunter

[uwumessenger]

random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day