#was genuinely angry at my parents
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My snake grew two extra heads and my parents were nowhere near as alarmed as they should be.
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Now that’s a rare sight
#Springdad AU lore!!! William rarely gets angry at anyone#he is a very patient and calm parent as well so he never yells at his children for commiting mistakes#he does have that 'disappointed dad stare' and also gives a serious talk when needed. but nothing else besides that#However. I imagined he'd get genuinely angry when defenseless people are in danger#because then there's always someone who wasn't there to help them. to lend a hand or to provide some comfort#and he finds it quite frustrating#springdad au#fnaf#springtrap#five nights at freddy's#my art
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#the photo also makes me wanna throw up bc Atreus was so angry and small because he genuinely did think his dad didn’t like him and#that resonates with me so hard bc I was also small and angry and thought my parents didn’t like me#he’s literally me#i’m gonna throw up#and cry#god of war ragnarok#god of war
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Po and Tigress's relationship is so funny because they're written like a queerbait couple but like. its a male character and a female character. like theres some stuff that is obviously written in a way that can be interpreted as romantic but like the movie never actually backs it up with any further development of a romance between the two. there's always that plausible deniability so they dont actually have to follow up on it.
#like dreamworks i promise if you make it canon angry parents wont boycott your movie#like yeah ik theyre different species but dreamworks literally made a romance between a human and a bee#two species in the same order is not off the table for them#anyways i actually appreciate the way its written with plausible deniability bc that way i can ignore it bc i want tigress to be a lesbian#bc i am and i relate to her#and i like to project on her#so like dreamworks pls dont give her any male love interests i will cry#and yall please do not comment about times in any of the tv series that their feelings were confirmed/semi confirmed bc i disregard all...#...the shows as non canon for my own sanity#ive seen a little bit of them but they make me so irrationally angry that i avoid them#ive gone into it more in previous posts#my personal hc is that po is genuinely attracted to her but knows he has no chance and never tries to initiate anything
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Time and distance heals things I guess. My parents got into an abusive fight with me after i took markers and pens to most of my clothes in middle school to scribble doodles and social justice messages (most prominently, Save Darfur–which really needs to be a rallying cry again given that the genocide has kicked up again as the Sudanese civil war rages). They were worried I'd look "unpresentable" in my massively oversized boy graphic tees and baggy jeans held up only by the grace of God (this was all by choice btw, i had and have always despised tight clothing and by middle school I had shunned girl clothes all together). But now at 31 I make mention of writing messages in sharpie on new t-shirts and my mom thinks it's cool and my dad offered to buy me proper fabric markers (I declined bc the cheap shirts will prolly wear out before the sharpies fade anyway). Go figure
#it should be noted that both parents GENUINELY APOLOGIZED for how they treated me as a kid#i had gone non contact with my mom for about 8 years and with my dad for almost a full decade#things with my mom had been okayish for a few years prior to covid but we never really discussed it#but when covid hit they both independently (they've been divorced 4 years) realized there was every chance i would die#and that my medically fragile ass would die resenting them#so they really freaked out and began begging my forgiveness#in the same week too oddly enough. they didn't discuss it with each other before hand so that was a wild week#I'm not necessarily sure i forgive them but I'm not angry anymore#it doesn't absolve them but they grew up in the 'don't comfort your crying baby' era of childcare#and didn't know what to do with a child in constant chronic pain and agony and depression#it doesn't justify how they treated me but it does explain how it ended up like this#i feel sorry for them more than anything these days#Anyway tagging this as#child abuse#still tho
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why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?
#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry#when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister#but so easy literally everywhere else#I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person#I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents.#even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home#but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now#Lu rambles#can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn#bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister#bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me#the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW#that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone#so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to?#and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!!#ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.
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#I'm genuinely just so fucking angry at the abuse i went through and still am#Idk tbh if you described it as anything else you'd be lying#It's fucking 3.38am and I'm just so fucking pissed off#Idk man it's not that fucking hard to be decent normal parents and not tell them to at worst sometimes tell them to kill themselves#Tw vent#Vent#I just idk#I'm so fucking angry#I have no idea how i survived but like#I need to talk to a fucking therapist at some point#Idk man this shit was never okay#I'm so tired of having to basically fight for my life and future#And waiting fucking decades for freedom and a normal life#Just a normal fucking life#That's all I wanted how fucking hard could it be????
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i want to do so many things but i'm too depressed to do shit.
#i was so excited for the FoM update but i just don't have the strength to fucking enjoy anything anyway#i'm so exhausted. i cannot stand living with my parents anymore#why can't i have any luck ever? why can't things change overnight like it happens to some people? why can't that ever happen to me?#am i just doomed to be sad and angry for the rest of my life... i hate this#negative#delete later maybe#ignore me please. nothing can make me feel better. not a single thing#i'm usually optimistic but i can't keep going bro i really can't 💀💀💀💀#it's funny cause my parents have always hated me liking video games but#it's genuinely the only thing holding me together lol#it always has been
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like i just can’t believe it’s over. frasier crane you are simply the goat. grieving what my life would’ve could’ve should’ve been alright
#genuinely sick to my stomach what do you mean i can’t just. text her whenever i want anymore. or smile at her face. or laugh with her. what#i feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me in the absolute worst way i do not understand. like i’m angry even#and my parents are being so supportive and understanding but i wish they would stop asking me how i am bc it is just reminding me of Sad#anyways. i’m doing really really well. obviously. how are you guys#stop talking abbie
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how are you supposed to react to the realisation that your parent is like actually abusive
#kostik speaks#this is not the first time. or the second. or the. i just keep realising this and then forgetting to protect myself#abuse#domestic abuse#for cw#im processing today that its not normal for your parent to not care about your feelings or pain at all#like them hurting you for hours because theyre angry and not caring because the only thing that matters is that theyre mad at you#im realising that might not be normal#my household is shit in a lot of other ways but my mum situation is really difficult for me to process#at least with house being bad its kinda nebulous and a feeling#processing that my mum mistreats me and all her kids is kind of realer and uh. therefore harder#i dont get it#why cant she be normal#why cant she be nice?? i dunno. i genuinely cannot fathom a mum being nice or fair or even#its just relentless rage or offense the moment you make a mistake or make her look bad#as long as youre helpful and make her look good shes fine#but god forbid youre a child and make a mistake because youre a child. god forbid you be autistic and struggle#i dont understand its so inconsistent. sometimes she sounds like she cares. she advocates for all sorts of stuff#but if shes mad at you youre not a person anymore. you dont deserve rights or dignity or sympathy. i dont get it#and christ it doesnt take much for her to be mad at you. she never lets go grudges anyway so you never know when itll come#sorry for abuse posting i recently came back from home and had therapy about it and then a chat with my flatmate about abusive parenting#my brain is working
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head in my hands helpppp my brother didn't even talk to our parents before hauling a bunch of his stuff over here 😭😭😭 texting w my mother now and I think she's pissed and I'm so scared she's going to get mad at ME even though I've been hassling my brother to text the parents since he first phoned me oh my goddd I've been nauseous from anxiety all day 😭😭😭
#she isnt making any sense in her texts fjfkdl i do not understand what she's trying to say to me#i rly dont want to cry today i rly do not want this fbfjdkl#i look forward to this month bc parents leave for a couple weeks and i get to have time to like. let my guard down.#and it usually takes a few days for the hypervigilance part of me to realize the parents are gone#and that we're like. safe. for a bit. but now brother being here is messing that all up fbfjdl#sorry i try so hard to not talk abt abuse and trauma shit here bc its like... i feel like its off-putting to ppl fjdkdl#but christ this is my one time of the year when i get to feel some semblance of safe and comfortable#where i can just. exist. and not have intense fear running in the bg constantly#like i wake up in the morning and im immediately on guard#and i dont even notice that happens until a week after parents leave#and suddenly i Don't have that happening anymore. i can just. wake up. and feel okay djfkdl#like this life situation is. so bad. it is genuinely nearly unbearable fjfkdl honestly it Does get unbearable sometimes#so this is just. fucking me up so bad. anyways!!! oh well !!!! it is what it is (but i do not like the way it is fjfkdl)#i just need to keep my head down and not think about it fjfkdl i will simply focus on art stuff and Not Think sbfjfkl#as long as mother does not get angry w me then i can deal w it. well. even if she does get angry I'll have to deal w it fjdkdl#it is what it is 😭😭#vent //#abuse cw#dandy.cmd
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it’s not fair that so much of my memory and cognitive function is tied up in something I cannot control or reasonably prevent
#blue chatter#EMDR therapy is genuinely helpful#but I’m starting to hate how much it impacts my ability to function afterwards#I don’t wanna feel like my consciousness is detaching from reality like a moist sticky note after every session#I don’t want to have gaps in my memory for hours afterward#it’s not fair that other people inflicted all these traumatic experiences onto me#and now I have to process them and suffer the consequences#I told my therapist today that I’m angry at myself for not being able to spin enough plates#that if I had just been more attentive and had more energy and worked on my homework like I should have#I wouldn’t have suffered nearly as much from the deep distrust and constant surveillance academically#and if I hadn’t been so easy to manipulate and groom#my parents wouldn’t have had a good reason to violate my privacy and read all my text messages and browser history#I’m angry that I never earned my right to privacy#and I’m angry at my brain now (even though I know it’s unfair)#why can’t I just process this like a normal person#why do I have to have all these new scary symptoms I’m not used to#why can’t I just get therapy and face my traumas and anxieties and get over it quickly#and I know that’s unfair. and I’d never say that to somebody else.#I just want this all to be over with. I want a life where I don’t just stop functioning once a week.#I hate having to write off the rest of the day after a session because nothing gets done#and my brain turns into goo and I feel floaty and spacey and strangely unable to move or think#it’s not usually like I can’t respond at all. or pay attention. it just takes so much effort. and my body and brain feel strangely heavy#and clumsy. like I’m walking in a mech suit or something.#I want my brain back.#but I know that getting it back means doing this work now#which sucks and I don’t like it. esp since I don’t know for sure that this will ever go away.#it’s scary to lose memories of important events and lose chunks of time and feel like I can’t trust my own version of events#how can I know if I’m being gaslit if I cant trust my memory already? it terrifies me that I’m so vulnerable#anyway. rant over. sorry y’all.
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I love you media that doesn't romanticize forgiving abusive family
#coyo speaks#I lose years off my life every time a character 'matures' and 'decides to stop running away'#tbf I know people who maintain relationships with parents who still!!! currently!!!! belittle and harass them#and I really don't understand that#not to say I give anyone shit for it#it's their life and their family and their decision#but I genuinely don't understand it#I think the people I care about deserve better than to be constantly hurt by the people who are supposed to love them#I just get extra angry about it in fiction#Mostly because they often don't give validity to the idea of cutting your family off#I hate when reconnecting is treated like it's the Correct choice that people are supposed to come to#and that's not to say I'm like... against stories that do involve a reconciliation#I just want it to be a choice#not something they're obligated to do because they're an adult and they need to be a good son or fuckin whatever#I want them to be able to say 'I want this' or 'I need this for my own sake'#and I want them to sometimes say 'no I have no desire for that person to be in my life anymore' and be supported in that decision
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feeling like you’re 12 when you’re 22 is genuinely such a humiliating experience.
#my dad and mom have been on my case ab asking for permission before I go places and it makes me kinda sick#seeing everyone around me make plans or whatever and then being like ‘I’ll have to ask 🥺 ����🏽👈🏽#’#and my dad’s a liar he’s like it’s not like we ever say no#except my mother does and so does he???#even the muslim girls I am friends with have more freedom and you know what’s amazing ab this is#they can’t stop me from going to school. they don’t pay for that#they can’t take my car. they don’t pay for that#my mom can stop making food for me and I will manage just fine#they wanna kick me out???? blessing in disguise#but it’s hilarious that as an adult i’m still paying for everything I use but I still have to ask permission genuinely fuck off#my parents when I have to stay late on campus for some school event: 😒#the way I’d be making money rn if they didn’t decide to come and stalk me at work and see me without my hijaab on#and that one’s on me I could choose to just work with it on and make them happy#but I literally can’t as a matter of principle#i’m given such little pride as it is and if I say I don’t want to work with a hijaab on that’s that#i got an internship two days ago for the summer and you can bet your ass I’m not wearing my hijaab#except it’s not paid#and as much as I have guilt spending I really don’t spend a lot and it makes me so angry#i know that your 20s isn’t your whole life and people shouldn’t think that if they waste their 20s their life is up#but it’s like#my teens were already so shitty and abusive and trapped#how much longer do I have to deal w this before i’m treated like an adult#trick question! it’s only until a man can own me bc then he can make my decisions instead of them <3
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it turns out that I'm not this horrible manipulative person who's angry all the time ive just been told that my entire life whenever I didn't give someone what they wanted.
#more shocking revelations to come as i finally put REAL effort into processing my trauma#my parents love to talk about how awful i was as a kid#how i was manipulative angry and violent and i never thought of anyone but myself#and i genuinely believed that because no one ever told me any different#i believed that i needed to work hard and sacrifice as much as i can for the people i love in order to make up for them enduring me#now that ive surrounded myself with kind and gentle people#im not angry all the time#disagreements are conversations and even if they get a little emotional sometimes we're not fighting#looking back i don't think its a coincidence that those same insults were hurled towards me when i decided to end a friendship#at the time i took it as proof that my parents and my ex were right#i WAS that horrible person and it didn't matter what i did i could never make up for that#it caused me to relapse into self harm after it had been YEARS since id done that#but ive since come to realize that the actual common denominator in all of the situations where ive been called those things#is when i wasn't doing what the person saying them wanted me to#these were words said to hurt me#to get me to either give in and give them what they wanted or punish myself on their behalf#coming to that conclusion has made a world of difference#this shit is still hard and im still carrying these beliefs about myself around with me#but every day it gets easier to put those down and recognize who i REALLY am#and who i really am is pretty great#personal#self harm mention#tw self harm#tw child abuse#self harm#child abuse#child abuse mention#wanted to cover all my bases with tws#though i don't really expect anyone else to actually read all my tags lol
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Anton compilation
#i miss him so much going through old photos on my laptop and like every second photo i took was an anton photo#there were so many little things about him that will never be there again. But I'm so happy i got to see them even the disgusting ones.#he would lay on my feet when i was cutting vegetables. he would flatten his ears as a way of saying hi.#he would do his best impression of a human hello when encountering people on his walks. he loved to eat carrots#and whenever he got one he'd run off to his bed with it and the crunching would be so loud.#he could notice when people were angry or sad and he'd try to comfort me and lick my face when i was crying.#we'd throw sticks for him into wheat fields and he'd lose them in there and prance like a deer only his ears sticking out.#he smelled really awful most of the time. he loved to eat shit and dead animals.#he was really scared of sheep and skylarks and our neighbors cat#he loved swimming and when he first learned how he splashed around so much like a little fountain.#he liked to sleep with his head on my shoes. at night i would hear the tap of his little feet#and then a thump when he'd lay down against my parents bedroom door and then a really loud sigh.#he once got on the table and ate the bolognaise when my mom was picking me up from school but he left a plateful for me#he made genuinely the strangest noises I've ever heard a dog produce.#after i moved out he was always so happy when i came to visit. he loved people#when he was younger there were a few trigger words that made him so excited he'd run up the stairs and howl. one of them was my sisters nam#as he got older he became more of a baby and so cuddly and calm.#i'm really sad that i didn't get to say goodbye to him or be there when he died but i hope he knew how much i love him
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