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reds-skull · 9 days ago

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Bringer of Demise - Chapter 6

[PREV PART] [AO3]

I was worried this chapter is gonna end up short as well, until the final day of writing, where I added like 1.1k words in one sitting lol.

I am so excited about the next chapter... When I say I've been waiting months to write it..... >:)

Anyway, this one is "The Abandoned"

… Farah has a brother? Didn’t she say-

“You-” Commander Karim wheezes, “I am not your sister, you are nothing but dirt, a lowlife dog-” she trembles as coughs cut her off.

The revenant doesn’t react like Soap expects. With a sad upturn of his brows, he says, “we will always be family, Farah. It doesn’t matter, that you hate me.”

Soap attempts to push off the floor with shaky arms, only to be stopped by a soldier cocking their rifle towards his head. The revenant, Farah’s brother, stops him. “Revenant of Destruction. Bullets don’t do much to kill you, do they?”

“Yer welcome teh try.” Soap snarls.

“I’ll take your word.” Farah’s brother walks away, crouching down beside her. When he reaches for her arm, Farah grabs his wrist, shoving it off with a growl. “Let me help you, sister.”

“I don’t need your fucking help, Hadir.” she spits, eyes wide and furious, “I had hope, before, that you would see reason, but taking our own brothers and sisters, experimenting on them for- for an American bastard, you’re beyond saving.”

Hadir sighs. “We both know this war can’t be fought with only our forces, anymore. Price’s taskforce is here for a reason, no?” he directs a look at Soap. “The American has his uses. And so do the revenants.”

Farah barks a mirthless laugh, “is that how you see our people? Nothing but a tool for your gain?” she bares her teeth, voice barely restrained, “you’re no better than Barkov.”

That seems to finally set him off. Hadir rears back, breath hitched, endless flow of gas ceasing for a moment. He inhales slowly, exhales slower. Soap notices a new shine in his green eyes.

“There is no other way to face what lays in our future, sister.”

Farah scoffs, “there is always-”

“There is none. You know me. You know it pains me to do this as much as it pains you to see it. I would never even contact the General if I had a choice.” Hadir looks away, his breath picking up, “it is this evil, or a monstrosity beyond our comprehension.”

He offers a hand to Farah, with gentleness that is soured by the noxious gas filling their lungs. “With you, and the revenants of the 141, we may have a chance. Join us-”

“No.”

Hadir winces, “sister, please listen to me-”

“No. You will let us go, and you will not intercept the evacuation of the revenants.” Farah’s voice lowers, “and next time, it will be you we are coming after, so I suggest you and the American scum you call an ally keep away from my people.”

Hadir frowns. Retracting his hand, he nods. “For the last of our family, I will do that. I have a request of my own, however.”

“You’re in no positions to make requests.”

He ignores her, “let me talk to Alex. I know he’s here.”

Farah freezes. She looks back at Soap, and he shakes his head. Whatever the history between these three is, it goes far beyond this facility. Giving intel to Hadir would be unadvisable.

The Commander seems to disagree, and in a move that surprises both him and Hadir, unclasps her radio and hands it to him.

At Hadir’s confused expression, she huffs, “Keller knows where the line is, and when not to cross it. Nothing you say will convince him otherwise.”

“I know.” Hadir clicks the radio on, and Alex’s voice comes through, “-Reapers damn it, answer me! We got the hostages out, we’re waiting on you-!”

“Alex. Farah is safe, you have nothing to worry about.”

“... Hadir.”

“I am not going to take long, though it has been… a while since we talked.” Hadir motions his men away, the soldiers leaving through the door they first burst out of.

“I will not ask you to join our forces, I understand your loyalties are blinding you at the moment. I simply wish to warn you. Makarov has in his ranks revenants that see through your powers. Do not attempt to infiltrate any of his bases.”

“And how do I know you’re telling the truth?”

“You don’t. But I have no reason to lie to you, brother. We may not be on the same side anymore, but I don’t wish to see you die to him.” he lowers his gaze, “I don’t wish to see any of you die by his hand.”

Hadir gives the radio back to Farah before Alex can answer. They share one last look, and he leaves.

Commander Karim lowers her head, heaving for breath. Soap allows her a moment, before speaking.

“What are your orders, Commander?”

Karim gets up, slinging her rifle over her shoulder with weariness, “the hostages are out, mission accomplished. Time to exfil, Sergeant.”

Alex meets them first. Appearing out of thin air, he startles Soap so much that he almost loses the precarious balance he barely maintained throughout their walk out of the warehouse. Farah is no better off in that regard, but she’s more used to Keller’s abilities than him.

He catches Soap before he can fall, “need med evac?”

“No.” he groans, “jus’ air.”

Alex keeps an arm around him, helping him along, “You’ll feel better in a few, first time is the worst.”

“You’ve inhaled it too?”

“Had the honor to, yes. The Russians use the same type of gas. That’s how he died.” Keller mutters under his breath. Farah scowls.

Soap pauses for a moment when they come across a group of Al-Mudahiyn’s soldiers. The hostiles, however, ignore them. Hadir kept his word. They move past them, silently, and he hears them whisper Farah’s name.

They manage to get to the helo soon enough, and Soap lets Keller go and help Farah, who has been listing to the side for a while now. Doesn’t matter if you’ve inhaled it before, can’t build tolerance to that kind of gas.

Seeing Ghost, Gaz and Price again feels like the band around his chest finally loosens, allowing him to take deep breaths once more. They look concerned, to put it mildly, but not surprised. Keller must’ve radioed in.

“Mate…” Gaz starts, getting out of his sit to help Soap up, but he shakes his head. He can walk, most of his wounds are healed by now.

He drops next to Ghost, whose eyes haven’t left him, still as a statue.

“What happened, Sergeant?” Price starts, but Soap shakes his head again. He’s tired, his lungs burn, head both light and heavy.

He lets his head hit the back of the helo with a dull thunk, and closes his eyes. “Can’t. Not now, sir.” the ‘please’ is left unsaid, but the Captain can probably hear it all the same.

Blessedly, Price lets it go, and the helo takes off. Soap opens his eyes only to make sure Gaz is fine, finding him holding the straps around his chest tightly, with his stare burning a hole in the floor. If he had any energy to, Soap might’ve felt afraid as well. As it stands, though…

He tries to rest, tries to find comfort in the still figure next to him. Never drifting into sleep, instead staying in a sort of limbo. Not the one that he wants to be in, not one that makes him feel safe.

All he wants to do is forget this mission, the images seared and reignited in his mind. He doesn’t deserve to forget.

Remembering his sins is the only way to make sure they are never to be repeated.

Ghost doesn’t talk when he drags him to medical. Doesn’t react when Soap tells him he’s fine. Once the medic checks him over, confirming that there is nothing she can do for him, Ghost takes his shoulder and stirs him away.

After a few turns, Soap realizes he’s taking them to the barracks.

Gently, Ghost pushes him through a door, into a dark room, lined with two bunk beds. He flicks a light on, the bulb yellow and flickering, and moves to stand in front of Soap.

“... Ghost?” Soap asks, worry bubbling up the longer he stays silent. Ghost’s fingers wrap around the straps of his tacvest, working on unclasping them and taking equipment off. “Simon-” he tries again, and snaps his mouth shut when Ghost growls.

More roughly than before, Ghost takes the vest off, his hands not leaving his body, instead moving to the holes littering his shirt. It strikes Soap after a few moments, that he’s counting them.

Guilt wrapping tight around his heart, Soap understands Ghost is angry at him. He takes the hands roaming his torso in his own burning ones, making brown eyes look at his.

“Ah’m sorry, Simon.”

Finally, Ghost responds, spitting the words, “don’t you fucking dare apologize.”

Soap frowns, “then why are ye-”

“I’m mad that I couldn’t stop it. Mad that I followed orders, when I knew it risks you more than anything. Mad at that fucking doctor, Mad at-” Ghost’s hands clasp his tightly, “I- fuck, Johnny-”

Soap cuts him off, dragging him into an embrace, singeing the fabric of his shirt. Ghost lets out a shaky breath, before burying his head in his shoulder.

“I’m not easy to kill, mo chridhe.”

“That’s not why I’m- I know.” Ghost struggles to find the right words, sentences ending before Soap can really understand what’s making him feel like this, “I’m just- I can’t-”

“I’m fine. With you, with Gaz and Price, I’ve never been safer-”

Ghost snarls, pulling back and forcing Soap to face him, “that doesn’t mean bloody anything! What they did to you before-”

“Then what is it? Talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.”

With a flurry of movement, Simon rips the mask off his face, pressing his forehead to Soap’s so forcibly that it almost hurts. In a low voice, so weak and defeated, he whispers through bisected lips, “this is what you were used to, right?”

“This?”

“Pain. To be hurt and heal, only to be hurt again. I can’t- I can’t stand by and watch you get used to it again.” Simon chokes out, his thumbs caressing Soap’s cheeks.

He blinks up at him, “you’re worried about that?” such a small thing, his comfort, when the rest of the world’s fate is on the other side of the scale.

Simon’s lips turn downwards. “I don’t know what you were before the 141, but if it was anything like me, I never want to see you like that.” he leans down, pressing his lips to Soap’s hairline. “To be made less human, to lose yourself.”

Soap shudders, his thoughts going back to a headless body. Control is something he has to maintain at all times, an unnegotiable fact about his powers. To lose it would mean to destroy without distinction, to lose himself would mean to lose Simon.

And he can’t lose Simon. He can’t. He can’t.

The memory of a headless body beneath his hands flashes in his mind. He did lose control there, for a moment, of the raging monster lurking beneath his skin. A wildfire that stops for no one. A black hole, hunger unending, has no limits.

He can’t let it happen again. For Simon’s sake, for Gaz and Price, for everyone here.

“It won’t happen.” he grinds between bared teeth, Simon’s lips grazing his cheeks, “Ah won’t let it happen.” fire crackles in his hands.

Simon’s voice is low in his ears when he answers, “I know you won’t. Because I will not let it happen as well, love.”

‘I got you’, slips between the words.

And it scares him, how easy it is to believe that.

“If we want to get to Shepherd, we’ll need to get to Hadir.” Farah begins, arms crossed and shoulders tense, “to get to him, we go through Al-Mudahiyn. It won’t be as easy the second time - they know we’re coming, and they know the revenants in our ranks.”

“Then we just find a place where the element of surprise won’t matter.” Price grunts, the Commander nodding in agreement.

The Captain fiddles with the laptop in the middle of the table, “have you gotten any intel on his location, Laswell?”

Laswell types something on her keyboard, face lighting up for the first time in weeks. Soap feels a pang of empathy for her, when he remembers she has to work practically 24/7 while her wife is still in the hospital. He hopes the CIA gives her some vacation time after all of this is over…

“If we can’t surprise them, we overwhelm them.” she brings up a few maps on the screen, the group of soldiers having to huddle together to see them.

“Those are the borders between Al-Mudahiyn and Russian territories…” Farah mutters, “you want us to capture Hadir while he’s fighting Makarov’s forces.”

“Correct.” areas marked by red and yellow flash on, Laswell continuing, “with his men spread thin by Makarov, you’ll be able to take Hadir easily.”

Gaz clicks his tongue, “that’s bloody risky, though. What if Makarov is there?”

“Makarov himself can’t hurt you, Sergeant.” Laswell stares at Kyle, oddly confrontational. Price butts in before Gaz can say another word.

“The likelihood of him being there is low, especially when we got reports of him in Finland less than a day ago. Konni isn’t like the ULF or Al-Mudahiyn, their leader doesn’t fight unless he has a reason to.”

“We could be givin’ him one…” Soap says, deciding to back up Gaz. “Bastard can see the future.”

“Do you have a better idea, MacTavish?” Laswell replies with a sharp tone. Soap opens his mouth to shoot back when Price stops him.

“Let it go, lad. Kate’s right, even if it is risky, we don’t have any other leads.”

Soap sighs. Fine. They better get that fucker Shepherd soon, or he’ll start saying some things Price will really hate-

“Better keep ‘em for later then, hm?” Price echos in his mind.

He shoots the Captain a side-eye, before remembering Laswell is waiting for an answer.

“... No. What’s yer plan?”

As their mission is planned for the following week, the 141 finds themselves with a bit of free time. After the debrief, Ghost and him go to their barrack room. Apparently, Gaz is also staying with them, but he had to go “cool off” according to Price. Which could mean a million things, but if he needs to be alone, Soap isn’t going to bother him.

A hand pulled him back as he was going to climb to the top bunk. Wordlessly, Ghost nodded towards the bottom one. It would be absolutely cramped, the tiny cot barely fitting one of them.

Soap finds himself with a handful of Ghost, the big bastard curling around him like a content kitten.

He drifts off to dreamless sleep, mind empty in a way he can’t achieve by himself anymore. He hadn’t known such tranquility can exist before Simon held him for the first time. It’s maddening. It’s perfect.

It’s hard to tell the hour in the mountain base. Unless you look at a clock or go all the way out, the lights are always on, soldiers always ambling around in the halls.

Soap has found Gaz after waking up, floating just above the treeline, staring off into the horizon. If he wasn’t muttering out loud, he wouldn’t have noticed him.

Kyle had a talk with Price, as it turns out. Told the Captain that he has a bad feeling about Laswell’s plan, in a way he never had before. That something’s off with her. Well, more off than it already is.

Soap didn’t have much to say about it. He doesn’t know Laswell like the rest of them, their shared history mere months to the years the 141 worked with her. Not for the first time, he feels that speck of otherness. It comes up occasionally, when Gaz and Ghost share a private joke, or Price recounts a mission from the past.

He shakes it off fast, though. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t been here that long, when it feels more like home than any other place on earth.

So he does the only thing he can do for Gaz - distract him by shooting the shit. Which turns out to be pranking people, by having Kyle hang from the ceiling and scare anyone unfortunate enough to pass by.

“Wait- Gaz wheesht! Someone’s coming!” Soap suppresses his giggles, pushing at his friend’s back.

Gaz floats back up, and Soap goes to his hiding spot behind a corner, a hand on his mouth. Two highly-trained soldiers, and they can’t even keep quiet for one minute.

Just as their next victim turns to the hallway, Gaz drops with a little “boo!”, before freezing.

Soap can practically feel the smile melting off his face when he sees who it is. Commander Karim raises an eyebrow at them, her eyes turning to look at him, and back at Kyle.

“I was wondering who was messing with my soldiers. I know you have nothing better to do, but they do, so I’d suggest you find a different hobby.” Farah says, the message clear.

“Aye, Commander. We didn’t mean to do any harm.” Soap says, elbowing Gaz when he keeps staring at her.

“Y-yes! Sorry, won’t do it again.” Kyle startles.

Farah gives them a half-smile, “no need to be so serious, Sergeant.” she tells Gaz, who looks away. “I was actually searching for you, Soap.”

He perks up, “Samara wishes to talk to you. About your Reaper, I assume.”

“Samara-? Oh.” right. She’s probably been here since the rescue mission. “Where is she?”

“Outside. Was cleared by medical just a few minutes ago.”

He nods, clapping Gaz on the shoulder, “come up with a new thing teh do by the time I’m back, aye?”

Gaz scoffs with a smile, “fuck off. ‘Least you won’t be bored out of your mind.”

He’d rather be that, if he’s honest.

Samara hears him before he can gather his thoughts, his footsteps loud as they crunch branches and leaves. She motions to the remaining space on the fallen log she’s sitting on, and Soap settles, his knee beginning to jump up and down almost instantly.

He doesn’t look up from the ground, even when he feels her stare boring at him. “I don’t believe we had a proper introduction, John.”

Soap winces at the name, “right.” he offers his hand, “John MacTavish, Sergeant at taskforce 141, SAS. Ye can call me Soap.”

“Samara Jalal. Former ULF fighter. They called me “Pathfinder”, but I intended to leave that name in the past,” Samara shakes his hand, uncaring for the flames licking her skin. Probably doesn’t even feel them…

Soap inhales deeply, his leg shaking faster, “Commander Karim said ye wanted to talk about our- your Reaper.”

“It is ours. At least… I believe it is.” Samara frowns, “Destruction told me about you and another person, a ‘Simon Riley’, before leaving, but I haven’t been able to find them.”

Hearing Ghost’s name being thrown around so casually feels wrong. “Simon is… most people don’t know him by that name. Ah can pass a message to him, if ye want.” he registers the second part of her sentence, “wait, what do ye mean by ‘leaving’?”

Samara sighs, a short laugh falling from her lips, “after… what you did, whatever it was… I haven’t been able to talk to Destruction. It told me… it told me our deal still stands, but that we have to be abandoned.” she narrows her eyes at him, “I asked it for your names, how many of us are still out there. Didn’t think I’d have a chance to meet you, but I was curious.”

“I…” Soap’s leg stops bouncing. Destruction abandoned them? What could it mean, for Samara?

How could it just… leave them?

“I’m sorry.” he says, and it feels like it means nothing.

“Don’t be. I don’t care. Destruction… it has a way to make you feel…”

“Out of control?”

She smiles, “you got it. It probably goes for all Reapers, but Destruction’s gifts feel like a double-edged sword.” her expression becomes somber, “the things I survived… there are times I felt like I shouldn’t have.”

“... Feels like a curse.” Soap whispers, his chest squeezing uncomfortably.

Samara looks away, “there is an end to it, Soap. Retirement, family. Love. Things that give you a reason to live, beyond chaos and war.”

He huffs, “not to be an arsehole, but it didn’t end up well for either of us.”

“I suppose it didn’t, did it?” Samara chuckles, “but I believe it could.”

Soap doesn’t answer, letting silence settle between them. He wants to call Samara naive for hoping so surely, but he understands it doesn’t come from lack of awareness.

And a part of him can’t help but agree, when he thinks of his team. With them, he does see a good ending, among the million bad ones he conjures in his mind.

If he has to, Soap will carve that ending himself, burn any red string that dares stand in his way to it. Perhaps, his powers can be used for good, for once.

As long as it’s not over yet, they have a chance.

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hummingbird-games · 13 days ago

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2024 in Review (Indie Games)

2023 | 2022 | 2021

Helloooo gamer friends!!!

I'm so tired.

Lol.

Anyhoo, y'all don't care about that!!! Y'all are here to see what games I played and what the heck I have to say about them! Reminders: I don't bash games I didn't like, and I try to post more in-depth thoughts and reviews and general yapping to Gem's Game Gems.

DEMOS

When Stars Collide - I am by no means a sci-fi girlie. I need a HEAPING dose of fantasy or fantasy elements to help me out. That said, y'all might remember how I went feral for Gilded Shadows, so I am locked in for this journey with WSC. It's just as mysterious and lore intense as GS, but also just as intriguing and engaging!

Love Me, Love Me Not - I looooove when a game charms me to pieces??? Our MC Addie, the introduced LIs, the story, the art??? Where do I begin?? Anyway, please check this one out y'all! I'm impatient for the full game (shocker, I know).

Threads of You: Beyond the Bay - So my thoughts and reactions for this one are on the side blog, but I really enjoyed the demo and I have eyes for Chris, Vince, and Alex hehehe.

Lost in Limbo - While I'd been keeping tabs on this game for what seems forever because of the character art that originally caught my attention, I almost didn't finish the demo because it was lowkey disturbing (I'm a wimp and not all horror is made equal). But!!! BUT!!!! I push through to the end, had a good time, noted that I need to play the full game in the daylight with the music turned down low. And I absolutely adore Ara and Xal so, so much.

A Simple Twist of Fae - Absolutely no one cares, but I read a lot of manga this year. Like, a lot-a lot. Like, ~180 books and 1/3 of that was manga. Anyhoo, When JMB announced she was cooking up this game, I was impatient to get my grubby hands on it. AND THEN I PLAYED IT AND IT WAS THE SHOJO INSPIRED GAME OF MY DREAMS?!?! Like.....I wish I could both have it on my computer and also on my bookshelf. Final build dropping when??? (Also the UI design is utterly delightful, I cry.)

The Summit Library (FULL DEMO) - The last time I reviewed this game, we got chapter 1 as a taste, and I was. Locked! In!! The full demo gives us the first 2 chapters as well as the previews for all the romance routes and while giving everyone a whirl I'm *still* undecided on who to go for in the future, I must mention this: TSL is so aspec friendly???? I do love a game with smut, don't get me wrong looks at College Craze but sometimes I have my moments of being overwhelmed/sliiiiiiightly repulsed and the variety of options you have to choose how you react and interact with the various LIs in this game is amazing. (I have more thoughts on this, so I'll try to remember to post to the sideblog, but please understand that this game is totally worth your attention and time imo!!!)

Fully Released & Played (at least 1 playthrough)

Rabbit Trail - This. Game. Is. SO. Cute. *punches the air* 😭🥹(Copy + paste of my review on the itch.io page -> This was so charming, so fluffy, so cozy, just delightful all around??? I've only reached one ending so far, but René is just the cutest protag to play as, and his interactions as he delivers his mail made me cheese so dang hard! (Also, I wanted to fight his parents for not properly appreciating their kid LOL))

Stuck by Design - I checked this game out because I was looking into games that fellow programmers had worked on, and this cozy game stumbled onto my lap. The music was perfect, the UI is beautiful and clean, and I thoroughly enjoyed the performance of the VA for the LI, Yuki.

Wake Me Up If You Need Me - I called this game older!HSDJY MC x Ryan coded and I'm still right. The voice actor MAKES this game, and the interactions the player has with Reed is so flippin' delightful?? All my love and adoration to the game developer. May they make more beautiful games.

CTRL FREAK - The developer team brought us The Faithfulness of the Universe which is a banger in its own right, and CTRL FREAK is the team's commercial, finished project that I also found delightful. The soundtrack and the animations are chef's kiss 💛

Breathless Winds - Ooo, baby, ooo. So. If there is only one game you play from this list and you have some spare cash to spend (at the time of writing, the game is on sale!!!) please, please, check this one out. It left me absolutely spellbound, both the orginal demo, and then the full game. While I didn't get to blog fully about this one, and I only tackled 2 of the 4 routes, this game is absolutely everything. This is my indie game of the year. Poppy and her journey resonated with me, and between the music and the art, everything just came together so perfectly.

Wake Up Magical Girl - Listen TF up, if miseri creates it, I'm gonna play it, idc, idc. That being said...this game had a kick to it that when I finished my first playthrough, I had to stare off into space and gather myself. It takes the concept of magical girls and heroism and gave me a teeny tiny existential crisis, but other than that, I'm fine, it's fine, play this game, thank you.

Sleeping Under Spells - God, I love me a game where I get to argue with a LI. I love it. Bonus points if it's lowkey stupid stuff we're bickering over LOL!!

Our Wonderland - Yeah, uh huh, you thought you'd escape me talking about this game this year, didn't yah???? Too bad. The fifth and final arc dropped this year and I played it and I cried and felt for the briefest moments that life was okay. To say something different than my review of last year, I love that this seems to be the game that helps fellow ace devs find and flock to each other, I'm not kidding 🤣 so thank you Carrot for helping us fellow aspec peeps feel seen and validated and understood!

I Watched a Full Game Playthrough and Highly Recommend

Replay Boys - Okay so technically at the time of posting, there's still one more video I'm waiting to watch (Naja of BlerdyOtome uploaded her stream to YouTube) but my Godddddd. I've had my eye on this game for FOREVER but I was lowkey waiting for it to move to itch.io (I'm still a lowkey Steam hater 🥹) anyhoo, watching this absolutely wild game made me go ahead and buy a copy for myself to replay at a later time, but it's just great. The summary only scratches this surface of what the game entails 🤣

Gemi’s Gushies

(a list within a list of games that have devs trucking along in the background and I want to spotlight for y’all)

Save the Villainess - Life got away with me and unfortunately I never finished my play of the demo BUT what I have played was fun and I hope to return to this in the new year!

Woman of Xal 2 - Plot Twist Studios is on that Sequel Train with the next installment of WoX!!! Which I'm VERY excited for!!! I've unfortunately only completed one playthrough of this game, but the first game is definitely a masterclass in replayability, and I hope next year I'll be able to do a second playthough as I wait for game 2's Kickstarter!

...

And that's 2024! Any shared favorites?

- Gemini 🫶🏾

#happy holidays!!#gaming year in review #yay!! shorter list!!!#(also because...I didn't game that much this year 🥸)#here's to whatever goodies 2025 brings!

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thecapricunt1616 · 8 months ago

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Chicory (c.b. one-shot)

Snippet (more BTC): He tugged you by your hand back to the bedroom, kissing you deeply tugging you close by your hips and his hands traveled down your back, over your ass, squeezing and you moaned a bit, cupping his jaw and rubbing your thumb gently over the stubble that had grown since he shaved in the shower yesterday morning. He hummed softly, carefully sitting on the mattress and leading you to straddle his hips, playing gently with the hem of your panties between his fingers.

♡ Chapter Inspo: Chicory is perfect for love spells, & sex magick, it is also a natural aphrodisiac - this being because it is a great source of the androgen hormone androstenedione. ♡ Summary: You wake up to find Carmy's dirty little book he's been hiding from you, and convince him you want to try some things out from it, too. ♡ W/C: 3.5K+ ♡ Posted Date: 05/28/2024 ♡ A/N: Hellooooo!!! Happy day 3/7 of the Capri 200 Follower Celebration Extravaganza!!! You can find said extravaganza ♡ Here ♡ this celebration will be going until next Sunday (06/02/24)! We're getting todays party started early because I am physically incapable of sleep today I guess!! Lol anywhore - This O/S is based on ♡ This ♡ request, from my Darling Dirty Olive Martini otherwise known as the goddess herself @carmenberzattosgf ! Give her a follow NEOWW!!! I hope you love my dear Martini baby! Your other request is still in the works xoxoxo ♡ Warnings for BTC: Smutty smut smut, embarrassed Carmy, unprotected sex, AFAB!Fem!Reader, Reader not described pic's are purely for vibes only, swearing, and typical TB trigger warnings

♡ 𝐌𝐲 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜�� 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞-𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐚𝐠𝐞 ♡ ➵ 𝘊𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 / 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘵 ♡ ➵ 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬 ♡

You and Carmy had been dating for about 2 months, and it was an extraordinary two months. While he wasn’t the best at communication, he tried, and he tried very hard. He was an amazing learner, and would pick up what you put down the second he realized he made a mistake - do his best to fix it, and not make the same mistake again. In regards to the bedroom, your pleasure came first, it was like that from the beginning. It wasn’t something either of you discussed, it was more that Carmy was the one who did the leading most the time, and you followed & told him what did and didn’t feel good.

Most of the time, he was dead set on solely your pleasure. You could remember the amount of times you’d had penetrative sex with him, as much as you hated that you kept track, it was just in your nature to do so. He hadn’t let you go down on him yet,saying that he was ‘all good by eating you out’. On top of your lack of experience together - he also liked to have the lights off most of the time. You were much more sex forward than he was, so you just chalked it up to being shy, and didn’t think anything of it.

That was until he was sleeping one night next to you, falling asleep after eating you out for a straight 2 hours, you couldn't even remember the exact number of times he made you cum. You also weren’t sure how his jaw didn’t lock up.

The reason you had woken up at such an hour, was because your hand brushed something hard and papery under his pillow when you stuck your hand under it in search of his to hold. You carefully pulled the foreign book out, and in the dim moonlight that peeked through his navy blue blackout curtains, you read ‘BDSM Kinktionary - The ultimate guide’ and oh - had that thing been read. The spine had been very broken in, it was clear this specific book of his was well loved.

You flick through it, to see that there were multiple pages that had been dog-eared for later use. You got up quietly as to not disturb him, padding out to the kitchen where he kept the light under his microwave on. Leaning over the counter and flicking through the pages, finding the first one that had been dogeared and reading it.

Bondage - The restraint of a person, either by physical item (cuffs, rope, etc.) or instruction (known as mental bondage). Restraint can be full-body (vacuum beds, suspension) or involve a single body part such as the eyes (blindfold), mouth (ball gag), wrists or even thumbs. Bondage may include furniture like sex swings and devices like handcuffs.

It had various photos of different things mentioned and you raised your brows. “Carmy have you been holding out on me?” you whispered to yourself, a small smile on your face as you flicked to the next page that had been marked by a fold and read ;

Cockwarming / Soaking - Where one person puts their cock into their partner’s mouth, ass, or vagina (if they have one), and leaves it there for a set amount of time to, well, ‘keep warm’. Some people use it as a punishment, some people just like the feeling of it, some use it as a more intimate & sexual form of spooning/cuddling, and some use it as a method of trying to conceive after a creampie (see pg. 32).

You see a little star next to the definition made with red ink likely from a pen, and the word ‘creampie’ was underlined as well. Your mouth dropping slightly - this is likely what he wants to try. When you and Carmy did have sex, he would usually cum on your stomach, long thick white ropes of seed painting all the way up to your ribs, dragging his fingers through it before putting it to your lips to which you gratefully accepted and licked them clean. You tightened your thighs a bit at the thought.

The bedroom door popped open quietly “Babe?” Carmy said, voice gravelly and deep with sleep. You jump in surprise, nearly hitting your head on the side of the microwave as you were bent over trying to read without your glasses in such dim light. “Wha’s up-” he asked padding over. He saw the cover on the counter behind you, eyes widening and eyes flicking back to you. His cheeks go pink “Uhh.. how- how did you - shit - fuck - m-m’sorry babe it was- I-” he ran a nervous hand through his hair taking a big nervous breath.

“Cockwarming?” you said and he rubbed over his mouth and chin nervously

“It’s - i-it’s- y’don’t have t’do any a’that babe it was just a um-”

“A fantasy?” you cut him off. He bit his bottom lip roughly, swallowing thickly. His whole face and neck were red with embarrassment, he looked honestly like he could cry. Like a teen who’s porno-mags had been discovered. “I think it sounds…really hot” you grabbed the book off the counter. “I know you don’t really like getting head so-”

“S’not that I don’t like it. I just…I haven’t done it alot an’I don’t wanna embarrass myself n’stuff.” he rubbed his arm nervously and you stepped a bit closer, gently resting your hand on his chest right over his heart. You could feel it thumping against your palm like a monarch trapped in a plastic cup.

“You can’t embarrass yourself with me Carmy, we talked about it. The way our bodies react to things- how fast they react, it’s not something we can choose. I’d never judge you, is that why you didn’t wanna tell me the stuff you want to try? Cause you thought I’d think it was embarrassing?” you asked him softly.

He looked at the floor, shutting his eyes and sighing “yes” he admitted quietly, “how much did you see?” he asked nervously

“Enough, I didn’t even know that was like a thing? But it sounds hot- can we try? I mean..we dont have to- but I could go right now, if you want to” you asked. He held his hand on yours, gently squeezing it.

“I’ve never done it-”

“So we can learn together then, right? Things are most fun that way, anyways. I love doing new things with you, Carmy. It makes me feel close to you” you admitted.

He pulled you into a hug, nuzzling his face in your neck and holding you close. “Thank you” he muttered into your skin, the tip of his nose chilly since you two had fallen asleep with the window open last night.

“F’what baby?” you asked, rubbing over his back, your finger pads gently brushing over the little moles adorning his skin like tiny constellations you traced over in early mornings just after his alarm went off and he was still rousing for the day.

“Bein’ you” he said and kissed the fleshy bit where your shoulder met your neck and a smile graced your lips, gently petting his hair “I wanna try if you wanna try…I mean really wanna try, not just ‘cause I wanna do it, cause you actually want to” he said.

You pulled away, tilting his head to look at you “I want to.” you said, your voice honeyed with honesty and desire.

He tugged you by your hand back to the bedroom, kissing you deeply tugging you close by your hips and his hands traveled down your back, over your ass, squeezing and you moaned a bit, cupping his jaw and rubbing your thumb gently over the stubble that had grown since he shaved in the shower yesterday morning. He hummed softly, carefully sitting on the mattress and leading you to straddle his hips, playing gently with the hem of your panties between his fingers.

You opened your mouth for him, gently sucking on his tongue when he slipped it in your mouth since you know how much you both liked it and he moaned softly, gripping your ass tighter and pulling at the skin. You smirked into the kiss, pulling off after a few moments with a pop

“Want y’to touch me” you said sweetly, gently kissing the corner of his slightly parted lips, his breath coming out in soft warm pants against your cheek.

“Mm” he hummed softly reaching one of his hands under you, gently rubbing at your clit “y’sore?” he asked softly “I wasn’t too rough earlier was I?” he questioned as you kissed down his jaw, and over the hickeys, you’d left a few days ago on his neck. He wasn’t too stressed about them because he would just tell anyone at work to fuck off and there wasn’t going to be another friends and family night for a few weeks.

“No love, m’okay, that was so nice earlier. Made me feel sooo good, Are you ok?” you gently stroke his jaw with your hand and he smiles a bit

“Yes babe, m’fine. Feel good?” he asked and rubbed a bit firmer, in response your hips jerked a bit in his hands and a little breathy oh escaped your throat

“Yes jus’ like that babe feels so good, I love your pretty strong hands” you lovingly kiss his temple, resting your forehead on his “I fuckin’ love it when you touch me like that, bear” you said and his cock twitches in his boxers beneath you, already hard in briefs. It never took him much, but especially when you used his name.

That name, his nickname. The name only the closest people in his life called him, the name that coming from you - made him feel confident, strong, dominant. “Can’t fuckin’ focus when y’bein so sweet baby c’mere” he pulls his lips to yours again, pushing your panties to the side, breaking the kiss of course to ask “thas’ok right?” carefully rubbing his fingers through your slick

“Mmhmm, Course sweet boy - Feel how wet I am? All f’you baby. Y’so sexy, and so brave for telling me what you want from me, hmm? My brave Bear” you gently play with his curls, combing through them with your fingers. He kissed you again, cock grinding up against your pelvis unintentionally. You knew how much praise turned him on, he yearned for it. He carefully pulled back your hood, brushing the rough pad his middle finger over the sensitive bud.

You whine into his mouth, hips jerking at the sudden, intense bolt of pleasure and in retaliation you took his bottom lip between your teeth and pull gently. Your eyes then fluttered open to see his hooded blue eyes darkened with need, long eyelashes fluttering his cheeks when he blinked.

You sucked his lip between yours, sucking gently on it as he carefully trailed his hand down your slick folds, spreading your nether lips with his fingers a sticky click being heard when that same torturous middle finger that was teasing your innocent clit a few moments prior, breached your dripping entrance. Your mouth falls open, letting his lip snap back into place and a moan tumbles from your own lips.

“Yes- fuck yes baby” you sat back a bit to take another knuckle in and he buried his finger to the palm, curling it and uncurling it around your gummy walls, a lewd wet schlick noise coming from your pussy as he did so

“Sound so pretty” he breathed arching his finger a bit deeper and brushing against that lovely spongey little spot that made your clit pulse and fire grow in the pit of your belly. “Want another princess?” He asked, and unable to speak, you nodded, jaw dropped. You grind down onto his hand once he added his ring finger, rolling your hips so you were essentially riding his hand as he continued rolling his fingers and pressing on that spot.

You were feeling that heat shooting to your core, your juices leaking down his palm, and wrist, droplets racing down his veiny forearm to nestle in the crook of his elbow. “Oh- oh-fffffuuuck” you whined out, rolling your hips quicker as you chased your high. “Mm so sweet - y’so sweet Carmy- letting me use your hand like this, thank you” you give him a hot, wet kiss, lingering for a moment.

“Lemme help you mm?” He pushed your back to lay over him fully, cheek pressed to his chest “I like takin’ care’a’my girl” he said and quickly matched your pace with his fingers, continuing to curl them into that spot with every thrust in to his palm. He groaned softly at the short high pitched little whimpers you made as you went slack over his chest, your hips twitching as your walls fluttered wildly around his fingers, sucking them back in each time he pulled out.

“Feels so good- sososo good” you rambled, nearly drooling on his chest you were so far away in your orgasm.

“Y’always do so good princess, always so good, can y’give me one more? Ye’? Then you can fall asleep on m’cock mm? You’d like that I bet, you always whine when I pull outta you” he said hotly in your ear, voice thick with lust and pure need. This was the game you two played, he would fuck you absolutely dumb, so that he got comfortable enough to talk dirty thinking you wouldn’t remember what he said or that you were too caught up in your own nearly atomic orgasms he was determined to lure out of you to be able to hear him properly.

“Need it- need it- want you-“ you choke on your words, hips arching into his touch as he continued his assault on your gspot, this time adding his forefinger. “There- there right fuckin there I’m- I’m gonna make a mess shit fuck-“ you sob out, thighs nearly shaking with pleasure. “Carmy Carmy- Carmy- oh!” His name fell from your lips like an invocation.

“Thas it pretty girl. Fuck- so fuckin hot- make a fuckin mess all over me angel.” He massaged that spot with his fingers, the heel of his palm giving delicious friction to your clit that was causing your brain and your mouth to disconnect, the string of lewd swears and filthy moans going unheard by you as you were pretty sure your vision went white behind your shut lids and your legs went fully numb for a moment.

You came back a few minutes later to him whispering praise into your hairline, littering little kisses over it and gently brushing your wet sweaty hair from your forehead. “So so good baby. Always so good f’me huh? Y’gonna let me take care’a’you now?”

You picked your cheek up from his chest, your skin sticking to his and pulling away like scotch tape, slow since you weren’t in a rush to move being so exhausted and very comfortable where you were. “Hey you, gonna lemme clean you up so we can try this thing out?” He carefully brushed your baby hairs from your face that were wild and curly with sweat from the encounter.

In response you hum softly, in agreement, throat feeling dry as you sat up to let him move. He carefully reached over you, opening his night drawer and grabbing the feminine wipes he kept in there for you, as well as grabbing your water bottle from the tabletop.

He holds the straw to your lips “big sip f’me, ye’?” He cradled the back of your head gently. You leaned in, taking the sip he requested, and as soon as the icy water he assured your cup stayed filled with passed your lips one sip turned in to a few big gulps, eyes shutting in bliss. “Goood girl.” He praised gently. Hearing the bubbles at the bottom a few moments later, meaning you’d hit ice and it was empty so you pulled away, your tongue darting out to lick your dry lips

“Thanks” you said softly and pecked his shoulder with your chilly ice water lips gently.

“You go do what you gotta do, I’m gonna fill this up mm?” He kissed your head and got up, heading to the kitchen. You went to the restroom, making sure to wash your hands which you know he did as well since you heard the kitchen sink while you were sitting on the toilet rubbing your tired face.

By the time you got back, he was already switching out the fitted sheet for a clean dry one, in clean boxers - his problem still evident, standing tall and tugging at the fitted fabric. “Carm” you said softly and he looked up at you

“Hey baby- y‘waters there got you a granola bar if you want it too. Wasn’t sure if y’just wanted to go to sleep but i'd love if you had a bite or two-

” he goes on. The only time you had a hard time getting him to stop talking was when he felt as if you needed taking care of, turning into the male version of his sister, as you’d quickly found out how she treated him the few times you’d met her.

“Carmy” you said again, stopping his rambling. “What about the book- the cockwarming thing? Did you…you don’t wanna do that with me anymore?” You slipped out of your now wet panties and flicked them into the laundry basket.

“Oh- oh-“ he watched them fly and land on your shared pile of dirty clothes from the week of you sleeping over. “Uh- no- I-I mean yes yes I wanna do it with you, I can um…let me get a condom just in case I like- accidentally-“ you stopped him once more

“If you came inside me on accident I think that would be really hot.”

He stopped digging through the drawer and looked over at you, cheeks flush. “Did you…take your thing?” He asked, like it was a secret. You laughed a bit at his boyish awkwardness regarding woman’s products.

“I don’t take a thing the thing meaning my implant is in my arm. I’m never at risk with it for pregnancy, well - shouldn’t be - but it’s like a 98% thing…I also am pretty irregular? So I dunno” you shrugged a bit “but irregular means I probably won’t be pregnant, especially on birth control, so.” You explained.

“Okay- um- yeah. Yeah.” He said, pulsepoint visible in his neck from how hard his heart was pumping in anticipation for what was to come next. “So- alright. You- you wanna be on top? I- I don’t wanna like..crush you” he said and you nod excitedly

“I love sleeping on you! I’m gonna fall asleep, is that ok?” You asked as he slipped his boxers off, cock kissing his naval in greeting as it springs up from its previous restraints. The tip was so pretty and cherry pink, glistening with precum at the tip. Every time you saw it like this you just wanted to fall to your knees and take as much of the beautiful thick length down your throat as you could - but that was a line to still not be crossed by you two.

“Ye’ s’fine baby. As long as y’re ok w’me wakin’ up hard as fuck I’m probably gonna dream about fuckin you feelin you like that all night” he admits, laying in the middle since you were sleeping together and getting comfortable for you. You crawled on the bed and took his shirt that you’d been wearing fully off so you could be chest to chest, and drape over him like earlier.

This time, he spread you out with his hands, one on each cheek and guided your hips so his tip was nestled snugly against your entrance. “I’m okay as long as you’re okay” you said truthfully and sunk back on his throbbing cock. He grunted a bit, biting his lip and shutting his eyes for a moment. You knew he did that now when he didn’t want to cum too quickly, just from being with him a few times, you picked up on stuff like that just like he did.

“Y’so fuckin tight” he breathed once he was able to relax again, wrapping his strong arms around your back and you thought he was going to push you down, seat you fully on his cock - but, no he…he’s hugging you. He’s continuing to let you sink down as slow as you want. When you finally were seated to the hilt, he places a chaste kiss to your jaw. “Thank you.” He nuzzled his nose into your neck, lashes kissing and tickling your cheek as his eyes flutter shut.

“Thank you Bear. Always treat me so nice” you continued gently playing with his curls as his hands gently rubbed over your upper back, tracing the curvature of your shoulders with his fingers.

“Oh I’d say it’s the other way around princess, you always make sure I get what I want - y’too good”

To that, you just smiled, falling asleep a tiny smirk on your face - knowing it was the other way around, you knew he’d never agree.

But you both wouldn’t have it any other way.

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awwyeah107 · 4 days ago

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2024 Fic Recs

Hello and welcome to my fic recs from 2024 post :)

Like in 2023, the vast majority of fanfiction I read has been Tolkien-centric; my hyperfixation is still going strong, lol. I also got into Longmire (the TV show; I haven’t read the books yet), so there’s a handful of Longmire fanfics in here too. And as I said last year, buckle up, because it’s a pretty long post (this one’s got roughly 80 fics, not counting series!).

For each fic, I’ll give a one-sentence summary and then my thoughts on the fic! I’ll also mention whether the fic is a oneshot, doubleshot (2 chapters), or a multi-chapter fic, as well as the fic rating. I’m sorting the Tolkien fics into series, topic-based, character/time/place-focused, AUs & others, and then I’ll put the non-Tolkien fics at the end. I am including in-progress fics in each of those categories.

Credit to @cafekitsune for the galaxy banners used to separate the sections :)

Intro: What to Expect & Fics Legend

Expect: Lots of angst—LOTS of it. I didn’t realize how much there was until I went back through all of these! Also a bunch of fluff and hurt/comfort. Majority of fics are genfic. Mostly Silmfics; some Lord of the Rings and/or Hobbit characters are featured. Most fics are rated T, with a few rated G or M.

Do not expect: Stories with a focus on romantic!Russingon (or any other first cousins x cousins ships), smut, or excessively gory or dark stories. No E-rated fics.

Notes about formatting: Sometimes, the bullet points may be spaced out a little strangely; that’s because Tumblr won’t actually tag more than 5 people at once in a set of bullet points, so I have to space them out in order for people to get tagged properly. When a fic has quotation marks around the summary, that means it’s taken straight from the summary of the fic. Occasionally, I’ll consider a fic to be rated differently for my personal taste than it’s marked on AO3, and in those cases I will mention that. For example: G [AO3 rating] / T [personal rating]. Otherwise, ratings are from AO3.

Fics Legend/Key These emojis are used to denote any stories that have the following elements, and I’ll do my best to put appropriate warnings/mentions of certain potentially triggering topics as well, when needed. Most if not all the stories do have necessary tags or content warnings given by the author, so if I miss something, the author and/or the fic tags should tell you about it. My apologies if I do miss anything.

🔒 Fic only available to AO3 users

🩸 Features somewhat shocking or graphic violence and/or heavy topics (including abuse, severe trauma, mental illness, etc.)

*️⃣ Features background romantic!Russingon or other cousin ships

🏳️‍🌈 Features LGBTQ+/queer ships and/or characters (for those who do or do not prefer to read fics with queer ships/characters. If you have any questions about this, feel free to send me a DM.)

✍️ Fic is in progress/incomplete

Also, this may go without saying, but I feel like it does need saying: Your mileage may vary with these fics, especially those that are not particularly fluffy. So, read what you’re comfortable with, and don’t read or skip what you aren’t.

I will tag authors who are here on Tumblr; I've included multiple fics by the same authors, so I will only tag each author once.

To all the fic authors, people posting meta/analyses, and fan artists: Thank you for sharing your work with the world. Your stories, musings, and art have brought me a lot of joy (and frequently, encouragement) this past year, and it’s still kinda crazy to me that I can read or see it for free. Because you loved canon enough to make something from it, and you wanted to share the results of that love with others. Thank you. ❤️

Series

Annaáuchiwee by @thegreenleavesofspring (Brievel on AO3) & The_Anonymous_Coauthor 🩸✍️ - [Modern AU] The story of how a biker thug scrapes a street rat up off the street and discovers, for the first time in thirty years, that he has a conscience, which leads him halfway across the country and into a lifestyle of love and sacrifice that he had long forsworn. (In-progress series of 4 works, multi-chapters, T) Y’all. Y’all. I cannot recommend this series enough. If you follow my sideblog, @fandomsandfairytales, you have almost certainly seen me posting about this over there. This series is essentially set in the Sons of the Star universe, which is a “sons of Fëanor as a biker gang” modern AU, but it’s a step to the left of that AU. Annaáuchiwee is focused on the modern equivalent of Celegorm, named Riser Way, and his journey (both literal and figurative) to become an honorable man. I absolutely adore the characters and writing in this series. There’s so much: humor (and lots of it), angst (and lots of that too), violence, domestic fluff, thoughtful moments, and so much character growth. I get excited every time I see an update in my inbox! (Warning: The series features a fair amount of violence, and it deals with heavy topics, including trafficking, rape, and child abuse.)

On Elrond Peredhel by @elvinye (leodesic on AO3) ️*️⃣ 🏳️‍🌈 (Russingon + biological son Gil-Galad; prominent in one work) ✍️ - "A series examining Elrond's kidnap-adoption [and Elrond himself] from a variety of different characters’ perspectives." (In-progress series of 13 works, oneshots and doubleshots, all rated T or G.) I enjoy reading lots of different perspectives on kidnap fam, and I love how this series explores a huge spectrum of characters’ reactions to a very Noldorin Elrond. It’s so well-written and gives me major Elrond feels. Seeing Elrond through so many different lenses is really cool; I think leodesic does a great job handling each character’s inner narrative and also showing Elrond as a kind and caring yet assertive individual, no matter what that character thinks of him. If you are into pro-Fëanorian kidnap fam, you’ll like this series!

Quenta Nossëo by HonoraryDawn ✍️ - Elrond accidentally travels through time and space and arrives in Valinor just in time for Fëanor’s birth in the Years of the Trees; Elrond decides to change history and raise Fëanáro himself. (In-progress series of 2 works, multi-chapters, T) This is such a cool series! I love how it changes history, and all the twists and turns throughout! Nature vs. nurture is a key theme in Fëanor being raised by someone other than Finwë, and Fëanor’s development and the way tensions rise differently in Valinor in the Years of the Trees are fascinating. Highly recommend! (I also recommend Fanarts for Preventative Measures by Leira_E, which has several pieces of fan art and fan-written blurbs for the first installment in this series.)

Horrible Goose Fingon by @pearlescentpearl (PandaFlower on AO3) - Fingon, having experienced life in Beleriand, wakes up in the Years of the Trees Valinor and immediately decides to make it Morgoth’s problem. (In-progress series of 2 works, oneshots and multi-chapters, all rated T or G.) Fingon hits the ground running here, and his quick deductions and planning are so much fun to read! I enjoyed his interactions with Maedhros and with Ingwë’s family, and I’m looking forward to more.

Topic-Based

Post-Thangorodrim

I went through a period of time where I was really into rescue-from-Thangorodrim and post-Thangorodrim fics, so here are my top Maedhros-Thangorodrim-trauma recs from this year!

The Shackle by @valarhalla (Elisif on AO3) 🩸 - Fingon rescues Maedhros from the cliff of Thangorodrim. (Oneshot, M) This fic was exactly what I was looking for when I was craving a rescue-from-Thangorodrim fic!!! Masterfully written. It really depicted the sort of state Mae would have been in, neglected and hanging from the cliff as he was. The entire thing is SO angsty and incredibly heartrending and I loved it. (Warning: Graphic descriptions of injury, bodily fluids, and the effects of an extended period of physical neglect.)

Open Wounds by @markedasinfernal (theeventualwinner on AO3)🩸*️⃣ - “Maedhros' post-Thangorodrim recovery.” (12 chapters, M) I devoured this fic over two days and oh my goodness. What an amazingly well-written piece. I loveddddd all of the medical terminology and the very analytical (though never at the cost of emotional, or vice versa!) way Maedhros’ healing was approached. There’s so much angst and tension amongst the rest of the sons of Fëanor and Fingon as well, yet it is borne out of care for Maedhros, and that care is shown very clearly in all their interactions with Maedhros himself. The richness of the relationships in this fic is really beautiful. (Note: Any Russingon in this fic is very, very lightly implied. Warning: Descriptions of injury, physical trauma, and PTSD.)

Whoops, They’re Both Asleep by until_the_stars_are_all_alight - Findékano comes to visit Maitimo when he hears his cousin wanted “Káno” and finds Makalaurë [Kanáfinwë] is already there. (Oneshot, T) A short, absolutely adorable oneshot! It’s only 350 words, but everything is so well-portrayed: the tension between Fingon and Maglor, the way Maedhros is dealing with his recovery, the affection he has for both his brother and cousin. I’ve reread it a few times now and I love it more every time.

No Resemblance by Elisif - Nolofinwë struggles to recognise his nephew after his rescue from Angband. (2 chapters, incomplete, T) This is SO PAINFUL and angsty and so good. From Fingolfin barely recognizing Maedhros for who he was (when Fingon brought him back) to all the memories of young Maedhros in Valinor, it’s shot through with feelssssss.

Dawn by potatoesanddreams - Maedhros’ first sight of the Sun. (Oneshot, T) A proper drabble clocking in at 100 words. I really enjoyed this one—I was fascinated by the second person point of view for Maedhros! The descriptions are so evocative and eloquent.

More About the Things that You Take With by @imnotdyingbutyouallare - Maedhros struggles with Maglor cutting his hair. (Oneshot, T) There is so much gentleness in this fic despite how much Maedhros is still suffering, and so much awareness of each other on both Maglor and Maedhros’ parts, which I loved. Even a “simple” thing such as cutting Maedhros’ hair is difficult for him, and I could really feel the fragility of Maedhros’ state of mind throughout. So, so good!!!

breakdown by @leucisticpuffin 🔒 - Maglor breaks down and Maedhros struggles to comfort him. (Oneshot, T) Oh my goodness, ugh. This is soooo painful and I love it. I feel terribly for Maglor, and for Maedhros feeling so helpless. What an angsty vignette of their relationship in the immediate aftermath of Maedhros’ rescue.

Let them see! by BarbieBlue - Maglor attempts to console Maedhros in a difficult moment during Maedhros’ recovery. (Oneshot, T) I loved reading this fic! I felt the acute frustration on Maedhros’ part that he can do so little and Maglor’s intense guilt. Maglor’s compassion and determination to prove to his brother that he cares is very compelling. (Fingon’s bewilderment at the end is rather hilarious, too.)

Us Against the World by @annoyinglandmagazine (Caranthirwasalesbian on AO3) - It’s the first feast after Maedhros’ recovery, and he realizes only having one hand makes table manners difficult. (Oneshot, G) To me, this fic really demonstrates how much the sons of Fëanor care for each other, and I simply adore it. It’s a beautiful picture of love on a practical level.

Crablor

Oneshots of our favorite singing elf-turned-crustacean, Crablor!

Soft-Shelled Soul by @thescrapwitch (theScrap_Witch on AO3) 🔒 - Maedhros learns from Námo that his brother has been transformed into a crab, and he is determined to find him and bring him home. (Oneshot, G) I really enjoyed this lovely Crablor story! I loved the fact that it was Maedhros and Celegorm who found Maglor—it makes perfect sense to not only have Maedhros, the caring older brother, searching but also Celegorm, the one who knows animal languages. Everything back in Valinor (the reactions! Maglor’s new living space!) are wonderful, too.

The Trial of Crablor Fëanorion by theScrap_Witch 🔒 - Maglor, in crab form, is put on trial for his crimes. (Oneshot, G) This fic could very well go in my humor section as well as the Crablor section. I found myself laughing throughout, and even typing this I’m smiling just thinking about it. The format of a court trial record is delightful, along with all the shenanigans included for the sake of the record!

lured to be loved by LadyHaleth - Elladan and Elrohir search for their long-lost grandfather…who they discover has been turned into a different form. (Oneshot, T) A sweet adventure! Elladan and Elrohir’s dedication to finding and caring for Maglor is so admirable, and I enjoyed their dynamic as twins and with Maglor. The details in every scene really make this fic! (And don’t miss the awesome art in the middle, since the art and fic were one of the TRSB collabs for this year.)

Humor

to speak, to scream and laugh with the echo by @artandsuffering (Tamatoa (SaltandtheSoul) on AO3) - When Maglor wakes up in the past after the Fourth Age, he decides to make it Sauron’s problem. (Oneshot, T) This fic is SO FREAKING FUNNY. The understated humor in this is incredible, and I love the phrasing throughout. The framing of the atmosphere of Angband as a corporate workplace of sorts (while still being fully in Middle-Earth, of course) simply makes this fic.

This Battle Could Have Been An E-mail by @tilion-writes (Tilion on AO3) ✍️ - A series of emails in Maedhros’ inbox throughout the ages. (4 chapters, in progress, T) INCREDIBLY hilarious. The email addresses, the domains for the email addresses (nargothrond.com! himring.net!), the email sign-offs for each of the characters, the subject lines, the files, the messages (including punctuation and tone of professionalism, or lack thereof) from each character—all of it was priceless.

Please Do Not by @mynameisjessejk - “In which Maedhros has all the foresight of the House of Feanaro and uses it entirely to prevent brother and cousin shenanigans.” (Oneshot, bullet-point, T) This fic is absolutely hysterical. I probably broke something trying so hard not to laugh (I was reading this when there were people around). The phrase “the transitive property of Finrod” still lives rent-free in my head months after I read it XD This fic also turned out to be really heartwarming and gave me many feels. So, so, so good.

How Dare by @catkin-morgs-kookaburralover (ATalkingCat on AO3) - The palantir experiences Pippin picking it up. (Oneshot, G) I laughed out loud multiple times reading this. It’s a short, delightful read with a VERY snarky palantir point of view, and I highly enjoyed it!

Give A Whistle by Prackspoor - “After the sacking of Ost-in-Edhil, the Dark Lord Sauron ordered his prisoners crucified and carried at the head of his army as banners so that their approach would strike fear into the hearts of his enemies; no one could have imagined that the last resistance of the Elven City had no plans to go out quietly… literally.” (Oneshot, T) A VERY humorous, somewhat dark oneshot (with a second chapter solely for references). It’s very Monty-Python-esque, with some direct Monty Python references, so if you enjoy that sort of humor, this will be right up your alley. The sympathetic orc captain point of view is fantastic! (Warning: There’s a few dark mentions/descriptions of torture.)

Romance-focused

Tax Fraud and Picnics by @thesummerestsolstice - Haleth and baby Erestor convince Caranthir to go on a picnic. (Oneshot, G) I’ve got three words for this fic: SUPER. DUPER. CUTE. This fic is as sweet as candy. I adore how much Caranthir loves Haleth, and the light humor sprinkled throughout made me grin (the Caranthir-Turgon arguments over taxes will never not be funny to me).

Mending by theScrap_Witch 🔒 - “Caranthir sits by Haleth’s side as she dies and thinks of his family, his life, and his craft.” (Oneshot, T) Very sweet! I loved how the story wove Caranthir’s memories into the present day (pun very much intended), and his love for his craft is so beautiful. I also really enjoyed the visitors at the end :)

Your Eyes Are Like Knives (And I Really Like Knives) by @sweetteaanddragons (Drag0nst0rm on AO3) - Haleth knows that Caranthir is hiding something, and she is determined to find out what it is. (Oneshot, T) I saw that this fic was going to be part of TRSB 2024 a few days before the fics all got released, and I was so excited to read it! I had a fantastic time eagerly devouring it with much excitement and laughter, and as per usual, I thoroughly enjoyed Haleth flustering Caranthir.

Yours Dearly, Most Sincerely by Drag0nst0rm - “Five times Nerdanel had to help Feanaro write a letter, and one time he returned the favor. (And two times they had to write a letter alone.)” (Doubleshot, T) This fic both filled me up with the love Fëanor and Nerdanel had for each other (and their sons!) and ripped me to pieces with angst. The way Nerdanel often balances out Fëanor’s fiery spirit when it comes to composing a letter—and the way he chooses to listen to her!—is wonderful to read; the scene with the third letter practically gave me a heart attack from how adorably fluffy it was. Of course, this makes it all the more heartbreaking when they are apart. A very emotional read all around!

Breaking Into Light by @starspray ✍️ - Glingaereth happens to meet Fingon, the crown prince of the Noldor, and the two begin to take an interest in each other. (4 chapters, in progress, T) I haven’t read any Fingon x OFC fics before, and I really liked this one! Glingaereth and the other original characters stand well on their own, and the chemistry between Glingaereth and Fingon feels natural. I also liked the outside perspectives of the Noldor royal family and the uneasiness amongst the Sindar about the sense of doom following the Noldor.

Nothing in the World is Single by StarSpray - Eärendil and Elwing become friends…and then more. (5 chapters, T [AO3 rating] / G [personal rating]) This is so sweet! I really enjoyed this fic—the easy pacing, Eärendil’s friendly nature, and Elwing’s more reserved personality all combine to make a great read. The descriptions are wonderful, and I liked Eärendil and Elwing’s adventures.

Character, Time, or Place-Focused

Kidnap Fam

What matters is ‘you’ and not the state of you. by @havenotwillnotreadthebooks (EclecticKefi on AO3) - “Maglor contemplates the Peredhel that he and his brother have taken in, then contemplates the effect of this new life on Maedhros.” (Doubleshot, T) This was such an enjoyable read! I loved reading Maglor’s reflections, especially on Maedhros as a father figure to Elrond and Elros. I also enjoyed reading how the twins’ nature as peredhel (and being somewhat eldritch to boot) affects their domestic life with Maglor and Maedhros.

I keep my enemies closer than the mirror ever gets to me by EclecticKefi 🔒 - Elrond and Elros hide in Maglor’s closet and overhear Maedhros and Maglor talking. (Oneshot, T) This fic is both heartbreaking and heartwarming in multiple ways. The two peredhel have seen far too much trauma and suffering in their young lives, but their empathy is really sweet. Also, I’m always a fan of eldritch!peredhel, so I liked the notes of that scattered throughout the story.

On Monsters and Lullabies by Tilion - Maglor is the one the twins like, not Maedhros, and Maglor confronts his brother. (Oneshot, T) I will never tire of the angstiness of Maedhros and Maglor arguing over the twins and the role they play in their lives, nor how Maedhros becomes someone the twins can trust. Maglor’s softness with the twins is so sweet (baby Elrond and Elros are ADORABLE), and the reflections (both Maglor’s and Maedhros’) on how much Maedhros had changed since being in Valinor are really well-written.

And Love Grew by @polutrope (polutropos on AO3) ✍️ - Maedhros and Maglor deal with the aftermath of their attack on Sirion, and Maglor leads their host—including two young peredhel and their caretaker—to Amon Ereb. (6 chapters, in progress, T) A wonderfully complex, angsty, deeply woven tale. Every character and relationship has so many layers, and polutropos does a great job of exploring the darkness of the Oath and the ripple affect it has on the sons of Fëanor, their followers, and the people of Sirion.

And when we’re in the dark, it echoes in your heart by ElectricKefi - Elros unintentionally triggers Maedhros’ Sauron-related trauma. (Oneshot, T) Poor Maedhros AND poor Elros! The idea that the peredhel with Maia blood would bring back Maedhros’ memories of being tortured by Sauron—especially when Elros is trying to help him—is so sad. I loved the instantly-on-alert Maglor who is there to de-escalate the situation, too.

though the shadow closes in by millyfaraway - Maglor and Maedhros strategize to keep Elrond and Elros safe. (Oneshot, T) I really like the dialogue and OCs in this one! The discussion of Sauron and Morgoth’s desire for the peredhel, the plans to keep moving, and the connection Maedhros and Maglor share all flow quite well.

First Age Beleriand

Finwëons & Fëanorians:

Mind the Gap by Tilion - Maglor visits Himring. (Oneshot, T) Loved reading this!! Great characterization of both the characters themselves and their relationship. They are SUCH siblings in this, and I really enjoyed reading them snarking at each other and checking up on each other and seeking to ensure all was truly well. I’ll also never pass up a scene with Maglor braiding Maedhros’ hair.

The Light Behind Your Eyes by Tilion ✍️ - Scenes of Maglor and Maedhros after Thangorodrim. (2 chapters, in progress, T) I love how beautifully this portrays Maglor and Maedhros’ relationship. It balances the past and the present really well. Even though Maedhros is still clearly suffering from his time in Angband, this fic has a calm tone to it, and I can see the healing taking place in Maedhros’ spirit. A lovely read.

Scribbles and Squabbles by @dreamingthroughthenoise (Alantie on AO3) 🔒 - An argument between the Fëanorians, through letters. (7 chapters, T) This was a delight to read! Humorous at times, and heartfelt at others. I could pick up on the underlying hurt and desire to be seen that sparked the argument, and the love and care rising from the letters as things resolved. (The very clear and present sass was quite fun, too.)

Gingerbread Cookies by Elisif - Aredhel and Fingon supervise Idril and Tyelpë while they make Christmas cookies. (Oneshot, G) This is such an adorable fic—tiny Idril and Celebrimbor are so cute, and I loved Aredhel and Fingon’s brother-sister relationship. Their interactions have such fond sibling energy!

A Mere Shadow by Elisif - Maglor comes to visit Maedhros and is reminded of Thingol’s Quenya ban. (Oneshot, T) So good and so sad! I could immediately feel the shift in Maglor’s mood when Maedhros inadvertently reminds him of the ban, and the sorrow oozing from both brothers, as if from a wound.

the raging storm of a foreign war, and a face i'd seen before by @arafinweanappreciation (TelerinJedi on AO3) - Finarfin comes to Beleriand. (Oneshot, T) This fic is short yet so expressive!! I love Finarfin seeing Tol Sirion and him talking about avenging his son in such a terrifyingly calm manner.

Ill-Tidings by TheScrap_Witch 🔒 - Maedhros brings news to Curufin that Nargothrond has fallen. (Oneshot, T) Poor Curufin 😭 This fic has all the dad!Curufin feels!!!! Curufin’s humanity (or elvish equivalent, lol) shines through in this fic in his anguish over his son. His grief and rage are so palpable (and so well-written!).

Too Big, Too Heavy by @hwestalas - Maedhros visits the new High King of the Noldor after the Dagor Bragollach. (Oneshot, T) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Fingon’s grief over Fingolfin is so raw and real, and I love how he tries to keep it together but fails in the face of Maedhros’ calm, devoted friendship. Such a great read.

ever an anguish that pursued by @thelordofgifs (TheChasm on AO3) 🩸 - Maglor tries to save Maedhros from the fire, but he keeps waking up. (Oneshot, T) UGH SO ANGSTY. So so angsty. All of the “what if”s that Maglor dreams could have happened are so terribly sad, because he can see so many ways out that don’t involve Maedhros jumping into the chasm. (Warning: suicide and multiple near-suicide attempts.)

stone on the board by @dalliansss - The Finwëons play games with politics in Beleriand at Mithrim. (Oneshot, T) So good! Love the politicking going on in this fic, primarily between Maedhros and Finrod. Quite an intriguing read.

there's no timer on grief 🔒 by Kat_isaconfusedbean - After Losgar, Amras mourns. (Oneshot, T) This is SO painful. Especially for how short this fic is. My heart aches for Amras (and for Celegorm). I love Celegorm coming to comfort his brother, along with Huan.

Unrepentent by theScrap_Witch 🔒 - Maedhros will not give up on obtaining the last Silmarils. (Oneshot, T) The Oath has Maedhros in its grip so tightly in this fic (along with his own memories and experiences), and it’s horrifying yet understandable to see him act and think the way he does. I love the dynamic between Maedhros and Maglor in this fic, too.

the ways of birds by @welcomingdisaster (welcoming_disaster on AO3) - “When Maglor is captured in the aftermath of the Nirnaeth Arnoediad, he doesn't expect a rescue. (for the prompts maglor + maedhros + "need to keep quiet" & "roadside wound tending.”)” (Oneshot, T) SO MUCH MAGLOR WHUMP. And so much tension, too. I could really feel Maglor’s raw, gritty pain and the ugly experiences he endured. It made the comfort part of “hurt/comfort” that much more relieving when he was, indeed, rescued.

Non-Finwëons:

Mad, Not Angry by AfricanDaisy - Young Thranduil is woken from a thunderstorm, and searches for a source of comfort: his father. (Oneshot, G) SO so cute! I could really feel Thranduil’s panic in searching for Oropher, and then his simultaneous relief and upset when he did find him. The descriptions are vivid and well-crafted, very fun to read!

no vela, no orion by TelerinJedi - A comment from Andreth’s sister causes her to wonder if she is in love with Nóm (or vice versa), and it is harder to have a discussion with him about this than she thinks. (Oneshot, G) The adolescent awkwardness and embarrassment in this fic brings me back to my teenage days XD This is really sweet though, truly. A light bit of fluff!

Second and Third Age Middle-Earth

living arrows sent forth by @balrogballs (timelessutterances on AO3) - Thranduil and Elrond discuss fatherhood at Arwen and Aragorn’s wedding reception. (Oneshot, T) SO. SO. GOOD. I seriously love the phrasing in this one, as well as Thranduil’s and Elrond’s characterizations, their long-held opinions and memories of each other, and their discussion of parenthood. Thranduil is so snarky and Elrond so earnest. Phenomenal all the way through.

rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated by @lighttrls (thunder_and_stars on AO3) - Unaware of elves’ habit of sleeping with their eyes open, Estel finds Elladan unmoving with his eyes open and thinks he must be dead. (Oneshot, T) POOR BABY ESTEL aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. The angst is off the charts in this one; my heart was breaking for tiny Aragorn. I was so glad that his assumption was corrected, in the end.

i'm fine, i prom- by thunder_and_stars - Elladan and Estel are captured by orcs and tortured. (Oneshot, T) Oh my goodness, I wanted to kill each and every orc right along with Elladan. The descriptions of the orcs’ actions, their impact on Estel physically, and the impact on Elladan emotionally were so vivid. It’s some good, heavy whump (with some comfort at the end).

sticks and stones may break my bones by thunder_and_stars - Some people don’t like the fact that Estel lives with the elves. (Oneshot, T) Once again, right there with one of the twins on wanting to beat up people for mistreating Estel. The way Estel tried to hide his injuries and then admitted what happened and what was said and done to him was so sad. Lots of hurt/comfort here.

A Long Way To Go In The Morning by @nocompromise-noregrets (likethenight on AO3) 🔒 - “The night before the Fellowship of the Ring leaves Rivendell, Elladan and Elrohir give Aragorn some encouragement.” (Oneshot, T) I really enjoyed this one! Elladan and Elrohir are such good brothers to Aragorn, and the way they lifted his spirits was really sweet. I liked the discussion of mortality as well as the hopefulness that the twins had about the Quest and Aragorn’s success.

Advice Unlooked For by sehellys - Aragorn talks to Elladan and Elrohir when they return from the Wild, and then he goes to the Feast in the Hall of Fire. (Oneshot, T) The descriptions in this one are simply beautiful—and so is the dialogue! I loved the shift from serious to “shenanigans mode” after the twins update Aragorn on what’s going on in the outside world.

Re-embodiment in Valinor

Red, Red Moon (Keep On Rising) by Tilion 🏳️‍🌈 (Celegorm/Oromë features somewhat prominently, especially in the back half) - Celegorm wakes up outside Mandos with two silver-haired elflings and no memories; he sets off to bring the boys to their parents and figure out his identity. (24 chapters, T) This was such a fun fic to keep up with as it got updates! Celegorm and the twins (kidnap fam 2.0, one might say) were incredibly adorable. I loved Legolas and Tauriel’s inclusion, and I highly enjoyed the whole identity crisis Celegorm went through (seriously, it was awesome). Celegorm feels SO Celegorm to me in this fic: cocky, rough around the edges, more caring than he’d like to admit. Overall there’s so much to this fic, and the twists and turns kept me on the edge of my seat.

Hemlock and Niphredil by theScrap_Witch 🔒 - “In Fourth Age Valinor, Elrond and Thingol connect over a shared love of gardening and grief for their daughters.” (Oneshot, T) I had never really thought about Elrond and Thingol’s similarities before this fic, and I loved getting to read them interacting and forming a friendship! Both have lost daughters by the choice to give up immortality, yet they have quite different personalities (and a complicated family tree), and it’s beautiful to see them connect through their shared experiences. (It’s also interesting to read Thingol portrayed in a more sympathetic light than most fics—yet not without his imperfections, certainly.)

Memento Vivere (Remember, You Must Live) by Drag0nst0rm - “Maedhros and Maglor have a long overdue discussion of what happened at the edge of that chasm - and what happened after.” (Oneshot, T) UGH so GOOD and so ANGSTY. There are so many emotional beats in this fic, and I found myself bracing for each one. I painfully love Maglor’s instincts when it comes to protecting/taking care of Maedhros after all these years, and how he doesn’t want the people he loves to be hurt because of him—though he has been in so much pain himself, and Maedhros sees that. Really, really good. (Warning: Discussion of suicide.)

White Water Flowing by StarSpray ✍️ - In Valinor and homesick for Imladris, Celebrían decides to build a new one. (6 chapters, in progress, T) This is such a lovely fic!! I’ve really enjoyed reading it. I love Celebrían’s characterization—many people underestimate her, and it’s wonderful to see her bloom after healing in Lórien. She simultaneously has a gentle soul and an admirable tenacity and drive. I also love reading her interacting with members of Elrond’s family and seeing how those relationships develop.

Handle with Care by theScrap_Witch 🔒 - “When Fëanor left the Halls of the Dead, he did not expect Mahtan to be the one waiting for him.” (Oneshot, T) I loved this!!! I don’t see a lot of Mahtan and Fëanor interactions, and I really enjoyed reading their conversation. (I grinned at Mahtan telling Fëanor off about Nerdanel. I haven’t seen that before and I’ve really wanted to, so it was quite satisfying.) It’s clear that they both carry a lot of grief, and they have a familiar relationship underpinning everything.

From Ruins We Grow by TheScrap_Witch 🔒✍️ - Fëanor learns how to live again (and how to garden!) when he is returned to life and placed under Yavanna’s responsibility to tend a small corner of Valinor. (7 chapters, in progress, T) I get so excited whenever I see an update for this fic in my inbox! There’s so much feeling in this fic, which is very fitting for Fëanáro’s fiery, intense character. It’s in turns amusing and exasperating to see him humbled by learning a new craft, yet I always find myself rooting for him in his endeavors. I love the relationships he forms with the visitors to his garden, and all the sweet memories of his sons practically make my heart melt.

AUs

In-Universe AUs

An Unexpected Rescue by SpaceWall - Fëanor realizes that someone has taken on the form of his half-brother Fingolfin, and that the real Fingolfin has disappeared. (Doubleshot, T) This is SUCH a cool AU!!! I really enjoyed reading this one. I love Fëanor’s insistence on figuring out what happened and finding Fingolfin, though of course in denial that he cares for his brother deep down. I’d say more but I don’t want to spoil it!

Will You Greet the Daylight Looming? by Tilion - Maglor persuades Maedhros to live. (Oneshot, T) Oh, this fic is terribly, delightfully angsty. I love how Maglor and Maedhros’ relationship is portrayed here, and the vivid imagery really brings it to life. Lots of thee/thou and ‘dearest’ language, too!

Reforged by theScrap_Witch 🔒🩸🏳️‍🌈 (background Celebrimbor/Gil-Galad) - Maeglin survives the fall of Gondolin, and Celebrimbor and others help him to find his way to healing. (20 chapters, G [AO3 rating] / T [personal rating]) What a story. Just—what a story. It takes you on a rollercoaster of emotion and growth and change and just, wow. I am so freaking proud of Maeglin in this fic, and I love his characterization. He digs his claws into life and doesn’t let go, and it’s incredible to see his transformation over the course of centuries. I also loved the inclusion of many other Second and Third Age characters in this story and how Maeglin’s life becomes intertwined with theirs. This fic is angsty and agonizing on so many levels, but it is fiercely emotional and cathartic in good ways too. I really enjoyed getting to follow along with this fic as it was published!

Scion of Mystery by Tilion 🏳️‍🌈 (minor Erestor/Curufin) - Elrond is determined to uncover Gil-galad’s true parentage. (7 chapters, T) Absolutely BUCK WILD Gil-Galad theory. Complete and total plot twist that I did NOT see coming until a few sentences before it was revealed!! Elrond’s shenanigans along the way to uncover Gil-Galad’s parentage were so much fun to read. Features kidnap fam and Celrond, along with other Fëanorians.

Parley AUs This is a subset of in-universe AUs where someone other than Maedhros gets taken at the parley with Morgoth. Apparently this was the year for me to get into parley AUs, and it even inspired me to write my own, lol!

The Price We Pay by theScrap_Witch 🔒🩸 - “In which Makalaurë goes to parlay with Morgoth, Findekáno still performs his dramatic rescue, and Maitimo struggles with both his little brother’s recovery and his responsibilities as king.” (Oneshot, T) This fic yanked out my heart and stomped on it and then tossed it off a cliff for good measure. I’ve read a few different Maglor-is-taken-at-the-parley fics, but oh boy, this one poured on the FEELS. Everything in this fic is heartbreaking—from Maglor’s belief that he is a “pretty bird” meant to sing to Morgoth, to Maedhros’ distrust/fear of Fingolfin, to all of Maglor’s brothers’ pain over his traumatized state—yet there is an undercurrent of hope that slowly rises throughout the story. It’s so well-written, and I highly, highly recommend it.

Despair Like Poison by theScrap_Witch 🔒 - “Thinking that he’s protecting his family, Maedhros rides to the parlay alone, unaware that Morgoth has a different trick in mind.” (Oneshot, bullet-point, T) Sooooo so angsty!! I really can’t say much about this without spoilers, but aaaaaaaaa. Maedhros is firm about his decision to go, but he’s so gentle with his brothers at the moment of departure, which makes what happens after so much worse.

A Crown of Bones by theScrap_Witch 🔒 - Maitimo and Makalaurë are taken in the parley with Morgoth, and Tyelkormo must take up the crown. (Oneshot, T) I really liked this AU! Celegorm has a lot to deal with here, both in being the oldest Fëanorion and being king of their people. The reminder that he can handle himself in political situations and display his power in words—not just physical action—is fantastic, and the way he cares so deeply for his younger brothers and misses his oldest two is heartwrenching.

Boldness Be My Friend by @a-tehta (tehta on AO3) - Celegorm has been captured by Morgoth, and it is up to Aredhel and Huan to rescue him from the cliff of Thangorodrim. (Oneshot, T) This one is surprisingly humorous for being a rescue-from-Thangorodrim fic, yet also sweet! I really loved getting a Huan POV (so cool), and I enjoyed Aredhel getting to be the rescuer. (There is a bit of implied future Celegorm/Aredhel at the end, but it’s mostly, if not entirely, played for humor.)

Modern AUs

Little Stars, Little Souls by Tamatoa (SaltandtheSoul) - Fëanor looks for his second son, who is dressed up for Halloween. (Oneshot, G) SUPER. CUTE. This is some of the fluffiest fluff to ever fluff and I was just gobbling it up. Baby Maglor is the cutest thing and I love Fëanor as a dad here.

the adventures of Elf Guy by red_01 - “A group of friends obsessed with The Silmarillion discovers a guy who bears a resemblance to Maglor—and uncover the truth.” (Oneshot, T) This was so much fun to read (and highly amusing)! The Twitter format was a great choice, and I’m impressed by the dedication to it. I enjoyed the back-and-forth chaos, internet-typical keysmashes and all caps, and references to artists in the Tolkien fandom (e.g., Clamavi de Profundis, “Phobs-style” cosplays).

Cookies by Brievel 🔒 - Girl Scouts visit the Ways’ house. (Oneshot, G) This absolutely delighted me. I love everything about it—the POV of the girl scouts, the way they were all intimidated by Max, a cameo by Nell, Birdie yelling for cookies in the background. It’s so sweet and made me grin so much.

Valentines Flowers by Brievel 🔒 - “Max brings Misty flowers.” (Oneshot, G) Max and Misty are just straight-up ADORABLE. The way they interact and how they familiar they are with each other’s habits shows how comfortable they are with each other. They both are down so bad, and I love to see it. I also love to see Max doing something nice for Misty :)

Other Tolkien Fics

These are fics that didn’t fit into any other category or had less than three fics within each category.

Miscellaneous:

The War of the Ring by @winterinhimring (morwen_of_gondor on AO3) - The sons of Fëanor are re-embodied and sent to Middle-Earth to atone for their crimes during the Third Age when the Quest for the Ring begins. (42 chapters, T) PSA: if you’ve read The Silmarillion and The Lord of the Rings, you must read this. Required reading. I am only very slightly joking. This story is absolutely PHENOMENAL. I was curious to see what the sons of Fëanor joining the Fellowship would be like, and I was blown away by how beautifully written it is. Y’all. It’s written in the style of The Lord of the Rings books. Like, legitimately. I never knew how much I needed to see the Fëanorions interacting with the hobbits, or showing the strength of ancient Valinorian-born elves in battle, and it all being written in true Tolkienian style is so incredibly wonderful. I can’t recommend this enough.

Joys to Come by @darkfrozenabyss - “Glorfindel, from Tirion to Rivendell.” (7 chapters, T) Loved this fic!!! I love darkfrozenabyss’ characterization of Glorfindel so much. There are so many emotionally powerful, simple and sweet, and feels-inducing moments in this story, and I really enjoyed Glorfindel’s family and how close he is with them!

Years of the Trees Valinor:

Little Father by feanorianswelcome 🔒 - “Maitimo finds little Atarinkë and brings him home for luncheon.” (Oneshot, G) Cute little Curufin oneshot with big brother Maitimo! I haven’t read a lot of Curufin & Maedhros together, so this was enjoyable (and very sweet).

Fine Feathers, Pretty Songs by an_evasive_author - Everyone loves tiny Findaráto (as they should). (Oneshot, G) SO. FREAKING. CUTE. All the fluff for Findaráto! I loved him so much (and the writing style of this fic, too).

Rings of Power:

Look into the Mirror (Tell Me What You See) by Drag0nst0rm - Second Age!Gil-Galad and Rings of Power!Gil-Galad switch places. (3 chapters, T) I have watched one (1) episode of the Rings of Power series, but I have thankfully read enough articles about it that I understand enough to read this fic! It’s a highly amusing and enjoyable read :) The difference in Gil-Galads is quite noticeable, and I loved seeing Second Age!Gil-Galad quite surprised at his (supposed) past actions in RoP, whereas RoP!Gil-Galad is a little less aware of the change in his surroundings (but everyone else certainly is).

Another Skin by crystal_buizel - Second Age!Elrond and Rings of Power!Elrond switch places (based off of “Look into the Mirror (Tell Me What You See)”). (Doubleshot, T) Another swapped places fic! Poor Elrond in both situations, but especially poor Second Age!Elrond. Like the other fic, I can’t say too much about it without spoilers, but this one is also enjoyable, with a bit more angst on the part of both Elronds.

Tumblr Oneshots:

just you wait by @lintamande - “being brilliant in mind and swift in action she had early absorbed all of what she was capable of the teaching which the Valar thought fit to give the Eldar…” (T) I really liked this oneshot! Galadriel in her youth is rather clueless when it comes to social interactions, though she is vastly intelligent in intellectual matters, and I can feel her frustration, restlessness, and pride so strongly in this. Really well-written.

Oropher and Celeborn have a conversation by @amethysttribble - At a party, Oropher and Celeborn talk about the line of Lúthien. (T) SO good!!!! I loved this so much. Oropher and Celeborn’s characterization and views on things make a lot of sense, and I love how their discussion flows. They are the last two of Doriath, and that weight on their shoulders is so evident throughout this fic.

Non-Tolkien Fics

Longmire

A Never Ending Bake Sale by ladygray99 - Walt and Henry spend a casual evening together at The Red Pony. (Oneshot, T) I absolutely loved reading this fic. I feel like ladygray99 really nailed the characters, their relationship, and their mannerisms. Everything in Walt and Henry’s conversation, said and unsaid, felt very natural and relaxed. You can feel the depth of their 38-year-long friendship and how comfortable with each other they are. Although I’ve only seen the TV show and not read the books, I liked how it incorporated things from both. A great read!

Every Page You Turn You’re Writing (Typing) Your Legacy by @cminerva and @whatamess 🔒 - “For nearly four decades, Mathias has found many reasons to admire Ms. Ruby Mason née Taylor and in that time Ms. Ruby has found just as many reasons to be fond—and so proud—of the man Mathias has become.” (Oneshot, T) Oh my GOSH. This fic is adorable and cringy (in the best way!) and so freaking cute. I highly enjoyed the descriptions of Durant high school in the early 80s, complete with a typing class; although I wasn’t alive at the time, it feels quite realistic. I loved seeing Mathias’ journey through high school into adulthood and the way his and Ruby’s friendship developed over time, from Mathias’ schoolboy crush to his respect for the amazing woman she is. Mathias and Ruby’s friendship has now become canon to me, to the point where I’ll watch episodes and get excited whenever these two characters (who, for anyone who doesn’t know the show, are minor characters and very rarely interact) get to see each other, even only for a quick nod or short smile.

Something New by cminerva - Though they’ve known each other for years, May Stillwater and Mathias Littlesun have never been friends—and indeed, they’ve been enemies before—but perhaps it’s time for something new. (Oneshot, T) I am now a May/Mathias shipper after reading this fic XD I really liked how this not only addressed the (admittedly few) interactions they had in the TV show but also added more “off-screen” ones to give more depth to their on-screen appearances. They have a lot of reason to dislike each other, but I loved how in this fic, they began to see reasons to respect each other and then caught feelings. So cute!

Quigley Down Under

Morning Sun by Brievel 🔒 - Matthew and Cora wake up together. (Oneshot, G) This fic is SO SOFT. I can totally picture this happening as an epilogue after the end of the movie, and I can hear their voices so well. The details are quite lovely. Quigley Down Under is a pretty niche film, but if you’ve seen it, you deserve to read this fic!

I mentioned this at the start, but I wanted to reiterate because I truly am very grateful—To all the fic authors, people posting meta/analyses, and fan artists: Thank you for sharing your work with the world. Your stories, musings, and art have brought me a lot of joy (and frequently, encouragement) this past year, and it’s still kinda crazy to me that I can read or see it for free. Because you loved canon enough to make something from it, and you wanted to share the results of that love with others. Thank you. ❤️

And thank you to all who read this far XD Hope you enjoy some (or all!) of these fics!

Other Fic Rec Lists: 2023 Fic Recs, Fic Recs for Elrond Week 2024 (on fandomsandfairytales)

#2024 fic recs #2024 fic review #tolkien fic #silm fic #tolkien fic recs #longmire fics #fic rec list #fanfiction #fanfiction recommendation #fanfiction rec list #this has been a post #yearly fic rec post #year in review post #fic recs #2024

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rowanisawriter · 17 days ago

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2024 —my year in writing

last year, i wrote more than i ever have like literally in my whole life. this year i beat my record by about 200k words. i am writing A LOT and it’s all because of you.

yes, you, reading this now. anyone who kudos’d or commented or liked or reblogged anything i wrote, and followed me here and on ao3, and ranted in my dms and added me to servers. you, reading the weird things i write, the things i can only write and only i can write, seeing it and liking it and coming back again and again for more. thank you :)

so here’s my 2024 summary:

words written: 358,963

fics published: 74

my favorite fics:

real world (stardew valley) - a story about parenthood and roads not taken. genuinely the most important story to me, a diary entry as much as fanfic

pilgrimage (bg3) - a story about two people without a past as they work toward an even more uncertain future. i also have no past because of a strange upbringing so this story is kinda personal to me even though it’s about a cleric and a vampire

novel (hades) - a story about looking for adventure and finding love and family instead. i had so much fun writing this and posted weekly without pre-writing which was a challenge but it all worked out

patchwork self (datv) - a story about finding pieces of your brother in yourself. i wrote a lot of structured fic this year and i think this one flowed the easiest and was the most precise in how it delivered the message i was trying to get across, also it’s gen which i never write

my most written pairing: thanzag with 11 stories! not surprising since ive spent most of the year humiliating myself over thanatos

my most used tags: romance, introspection, character study

what i learned: i learned above all to trust myself! this year i wrote and completed three multi chapter fics that i didn’t prewrite and posted week by week until it was done. i’ve never been able to do that before but this year i just did it and didn’t overthink it, and i trusted that i could finish the stories and i did lol i can do anything i think i just have to trust myself a little

what i want to write next year: i would like very much to write something original, i have a loose idea so i just need to sit down and write so my goal is really small and simple, hopefully i don’t let myself down

#2024 wrapped #my writing #in like 2 months im moving west to the other side of this country…… its going to be scary but I believe this new start will push me to #write my story #i can do it lol i know i can i just have to be serious about it #anyway thank you for like not exaggerating thank you for my life lol #idk what i would be doing if i wasn’t writing #so you reading anything i write means the world to me like genuinely #thank you :) and here’s to 300k more words next year #and if like 10k of that can be original that would be cool too lol #also not to gross anyone out but oh god someone’s gonna block me over this but i wrote every single one of these 359k words on my phone #on the google docs app lol #Throw tomatoes #🍅

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spnfanficpond · 5 months ago

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July 2024 Angel Fish Awards

(Angel Fish design by @slytherkins!!)

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words. (Click here to learn more about how to nominate a fic for an award!)

Nominated by @heavenssexiestangel

A Stairway to Nowhere by all_the_kings_ham (AO3)

Everyone knows there is a lack of some good Ducifer fics out there, due to it being a rarepair. This one is still one of my faves and I love the humanity and trauma shown in some scenes. It's truly worth a read.

Apple Pie and the Apocalypse by @ladyknightskye

I'm still reading it but I've read quite a few new chapters and I'm absolutely loving it. There are some hilarious scenes and some more serious ones (sometimes they're together...) and I really can't wait to see how it ends

Like an Open Book by @butiaintgonnaloveem

I am trying to get into x Reader fics and there truly is a lack of Ketch oh my G-d. Anyway. Although here the reader is... Way too dominant to be me lol... I love Ketch showing his softer side and reader helping him to relax. I shall leave nsfw thoughts untold 😫

Nominated by @annahmiraculousmillenium

Let's pretend I'm dead by evitably (AO3)

I love possession fic.

Nominated by @charliethealpaccaso

Woof by morrezela (AO3)

I tend to hunt down all sorts of transformation based fics of all kinds if it peaks my interest and this one caught my interest at the start. I want to make sure more people check out the tag or get some ideas. For this fic what if jensen got turned into a dalmatian. How is he going to deal with his new form and does he ever get back to his human self that is up to you to figure out

Like The Fairy Tales by Icefire149 (AO3)

As the one trying to seek out some great animal transformation fics we got this one where sam is turned into a frog. I thought this was a cute fic and worth a read if you like to check it out.

Regarding Sam by AllHallowsEve (AO3)

For me Regarding Dean was a great spn ep and when I found this I wanted to see what would happen for Sam. The story for the ep plays the same with some added bits more leaning on the Sam side of it all along with his relationship with Dean.

Home For a Stray by 3oclockrock (AO3)

This one was a hard read for me with the topics but it did peak my interest a bit in its concepts. If your interested in a strange read with more mature topics dealing with struggle and recovery check out this fic.

Faithful Companion by brokenlittleboy (AO3)

I'm still hunting down as much transformation fics that peak my interest and this was one I thought was a great read. Sam's powers go out of control causing him to change into a dog and Dean take a bit of an advantage on him giving him a pink collar.

Nominated by @glygriffe

Did You Hear? by cacholady (AO3)

This is a sweet outsider (mostly school related) POV on Dean. He might not be a dad, but he sure has a way with children! And I love that Bobby John Campbell was a part of this story.

Nominated by harrypotterfanatic1 (AO3)

amoralism by @artyandink

I'm nominating this because it's just caught my eye. It's an AU, based in the world of the FBI and the smut is just AAHH and the sexual tension and all of it is so damn GOOD! There's also a plot around a crime syndicate which includes as many major characters as possible and it's overall a read which I would recommend everyone to check out and leave their feedback on as there's so much to go. Aah, can't stop talking about it! It's the characterization as well, all the characters leap off the page and are so accurate. Definitely felt I should nominate this.

Nominated by @leatafandom

Wingman by cas---2y5 (AO3)

I love Sam's fascination with wings and Gabe helping him organize the bunker. I love how their relationship changes and the how Sam just can't help himself. Plus it's also just so steamy.

we sons of hell and heaven by @gay-destiel

This was such a great read! I love the word usage and descriptions so much! It was so enthralling and the relationships were amazing to watch bloom.

Nominated by @masoena

Living in a Haze by @girlsvmonsters

The story has well thought out plot, smoking hot smut, lots of Dean whump and a red thread of humor that compliments the trauma, angst and comfort perfectly. It is also polyamorous and A/B/O.

Nominated by @rainythursdaynight

Crashing In by @followyourenergy

I'm an angst girl through and through, but sometimes I just really need some fluff and comfort. That's what this fic is, hot chocolate on a (not 2024) cold winter's day, snowed in with a good book. Single parent Cas and kid Jack fics are always so lovely, as are the fics where Dean comes in when Cas needs it most. Even if in this fic it's a literal crash into them, it's fluffy and sweet and heart warming and cozy and everything you could ever want out of a read.

And This, Your Living Kiss by @asecretvice

I'm a sucker for well written stories about well written in-story works. Poet/Writer Dean has some beautiful works sprinkled throughout this fic that the author does so much justice to, his story is heart wrenching in the leave-your-chest-aching-despite-knowing-the-outcome-is-okay-kind-of-way, and I love me a fic about hidden identities. The tension, the prose, the energy: this fic is beautiful, if I only could describe it in one word it'd be that: Beautiful.

Heroes for Ghosts by @pantheonofdiscord

I think I haven't felt such deep yearning as I have felt conveyed through this fic. It reads so tense, like you're waiting for a small crack to let out some of the building up pressure and anxiety but still waiting, and waiting, and aching the way Cas does. And then when that pressure is finally relieved, god is it worth it. The waiting was worth it in the end. This fic is also a masterclass in writing interactions that aren't direct, none of TFW can speak to each other or see each other, but they still move and talk like they can, even if its out of desperation. It acknowledges the empty spaces in each of their lives during the fic, and reminds you in equal parts that they are connected even if the thread is invisible.

The Benjamin Franklin Key-and-Kite Experiment by @deanology101

I'm a sucker for not only time travel, but pre-season 4 deancas meetups. This one hit all the marks. It was tense with mystery, with energy, with passion and secrecy. It left the reader and the characters in equal levels of dark as to why things were happening in the way they were. And it kept characters alive that the show couldn't bother to, and gave the Winchesters some meaningful friendships to boot. This setting IS if Faith Healer had an extended cut, rainy and dreary and electric, but with occasional bouts of light peeking through the clouds. And Dean's Journal Entries? His little doodles? His analogies? Dean's voice was PHENOMENAL in this fic, I highly recommend it to any Dean fans, period.

The Sinking Ship by @crack--attack

I'll offer the note that I wrote down when I bookmarked this fic the first time. "Like bearing a part of my soul open and shining sunlight on it. I ache, but there are new flowers here. There are new flowers and a gentle breeze." This is a story about sacrifice, and love so intense it shakes the planes of the world. It's about story telling and eternity and history inundated by loss and a ticking clock and forgiveness and moving on and love. It's everything I could ever want in a piece of literature. Please, if you have even the slightest interest in Deancas, give this story a read. I read this not even acknowledging some of the ships in this fic but found myself pleasantly surprised by them. Even if you don't like or are impartial to deancas, or sam/rowena/gabe, or claire/maggie, please please PLEASE give this fic a shot. I'm so so glad I did.

The Neighboring Perspective by aileenrose (AO3)

A story about loss, grief, and healing. About loving unconventionally but loving fiercely and fully. About opening old closets and airing them out with hope. It's a shorty so I won't write much, just that if you're interested in moving on from loss, in finding new family, in learning how to love again, give this fic a shot. Plus baby!Ben Braedon is adorable throughout!

Out of the Deep by @riseofthefallenone

This is a behemoth of a fic, and popular if the hits are anything to go by. However, if you haven't read this yet and you're into heavy Mermaid lore, I highly recommend giving it a try! It's heavy at times. Cas is caged and sometimes no matter what they try to do, things don't work out for the protagonists. But they try again, and again, and again and the payoff is very much worth it in the end. Plus there's a whole lot of cathartic payback and BAMF Cas, Dean, Sam, and Jess that makes the high action points of this story edge-of-your-seat fun! And the calmer points much more magical, mystical, and hopeful. I loved it for its found family, for it's incredible lore, and it's fierceness. And when I have the time, I know I'll go back in for a second read.

Nominated by @samanddean76

My Brother's Keeper, My Father's Prisoner by @xpurdyglambertx

An Omegaverse story that starts dark with Dean being trapped by his duties and obligations. It follows him as he struggles to break away from those that are more intent on hurting him, than helping him to grow. With help, he does escape. And he goes on to find a relationship with an OC that you will love and adore. They grow together, while Dean works through all of the pain and trauma that was inflicted upon him by the one that should have protected him. It concludes with happy endings all around, and the possibility of hope for the rest of his days.

Nominated by @sardonic-the-writer

B-Clean by EliDeetz (AO3)

i'm nominating this story mostly because the descriptive nature had me hooked, as did the accurate characterization of gabriel, and the relationship between him and the reader was really enjoyable without feeling forced

Nominated by @spn-fanfic-reblog-writes

The Cherry Pie Club by zation (AO3)

>.< It’s so hard to explain. It’s a great story with angst, fluff, a bit of violence that is an after the fact type description so not too bad imo, and a hopeless romantic story. Zation does it again, ok? They’re an amazing writer and destiel is just *chef’s kiss* for them. I have yet to read a story of theirs that I haven’t enjoyed. I swear! Did I mention a bunch of well written kinky smut that also shows the developing relationship between the main characters and Dean coming to happy terms (with loving support) with his sexuality too. I highly recommend reading!

Stars in Your Eyes by Cigarettes_and_Valentines (AO3)

It is so, so good! It’s perfect. It’s perfect and I love it. Relaxed, Endverse-like Castiel is an amazing Alpha for Omega Dean Winchester, a career-focused man that loves his job. ❤️💙💚

Stars Above, Earth Below by @hellhoundsprey

It’s a love story that is technically a slow burn. It’s so sweet and well done. I love how the author gets Jensen and Jared finally together. It has a lot of A/O vibes imo, which might be why I love it so much. The secrets that come out and how it ends up actually helping in the long run, shows just how dedicated they are to each other. There is some angst but a good amount of smut that is actually necessary for the story. Pay attention to the details or you’ll miss it. 😊

For Appearances Only by @lotus820

It’s an amazing amalgam of urban fantasy, billionaire romance, one-sided enemy to lovers with a decent slow burn, and then everything gets fun, sexy, and dangerous. The love that Castiel has for Dean just keeps showing and showing so easily. Dean can’t help but falling for the being that is Castiel. I love this! This is a new comfort fic. It is amazing. You gotta read it. The title is half the story. 😊

Nominated by @thoughtslikeaminefield

The Fear That Remains by @stusbunker

This fic is nearly 4yrs old, and I've read it multiple times because the characterization is perfect (as Stu is wont to do) and it feels like I'm in the room, whether as a spectator or as the female reader. It's sumptuous and heartfelt, sexy and so, so Dean.

(Divider by @glygriffe)

THANK YOU ALL, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

- From your Admins and Manta Rays, @manawhaat, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mariekoukie6661, @thoughtslikeaminefield, @heavenssexiestangel, and @spn-fanfic-reblog-writes!

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clockwrkpendrxgon · 7 days ago

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2024 Year in Review: Writing Round-Up

This is my first ao3 year in review, and I just wanted to say how grateful I am for every bit of love my stories received this year 💕

My details:

My ao3: clockwrkpendrxgon

My fandom: Red, White & Royal Blue

Total no. of fics in 2024: 8

Total word count: 185,081

Oneshots (5):

🖋️ This could be us: (4,436 words, E)

I remember going feral over two specific nsfw fan art pieces and then I was like: okay what if alex was the one who saw them and wanted to try them out? that’s pretty much what this fic is all about ahahaha (i’m so grateful for han and eve fr)

🖋️ Total eclipse of my heart: (7,005 words, G)

This is one of my fave roommates au’s I’ve ever written! And I was so happy that it received so much love and was a remedy for some who went to get their wisdom teeth removed 🥰

🖋️ More Valuable Than Jewels: (10,022 words, E)

GOD THIS STORY. It’s so dear to me, and I was kind of a little disappointed bc it didn’t do as well as I expected :( but it’s okay I guess, because I had so much fun writing Henry pining for Alex in a Bridgerton-esque setting hehe 🤭

🖋️ Bruised Like Violets: (6,254 words, E)

UM THIS ONE WAS A SURPRISE. like i was obsessed with the idea of jealous henry, but i wasn’t expecting so many people to be as obsessed too sjdksjs (not to mention the 🌶️) so yeah i’m happy with this one lmao

🖋️ Wishing On Orion: (23,035 words, M)

another one that is so SO so dear to me like you have no idea. childhood friends? ✅ teenage crush? ✅ one sided love that’s not one sided after all? ✅ it was so wholesome to write henry and alex in an entirely different universe where their families grew in each other’s presence. henry going through his father’s illness with alex by his side… it was something I needed them to experience 🥹 unfortunately, this story didn’t get as even half the love any of my other stories usually get, so it was a punch to the gut but we ball!!

Multi-Chapters (3):

🖋️ Like the Stars Miss the Sun: (23,324 words, M)

The prologue to this story is like nothing I’ve ever written, and I’m so proud of it because this was the first time someone has ever wanted to make art for my fic. (please look at this beauty). the idea of firstprince being lovers in heaven, then being forcefully separated and cursed into oblivion as mortals on earth who have no recollection whatsoever of their past life and love? count me tf in! also check the incredible character profiles mariam did of angel henry and alex 🥹

🖋️ Reserved For Me: (35,836 words, E)

this story was so unserious 😂 like it was a 50/50 gamble for me. people are either going to hate it or absolutely love it and i’m so thrilled it was the latter 😂♥️ i don’t usually dabble with OCs in my fics, but this one time it turned out affectionately hilarious and everyone loved Emad (including me lol) it was so fun basing this fic on a local movie and making henry and alex visit real life locations here where i live and imagine what their experiences would be like 🥹♥️

🖋️ A Bullet to the Heart: (75,169 words, E)

My first ever participation in a big bang, the longest work I’ve written so far in the rwrb fandom, and also my first time writing a spy au! Writing this story wasn’t easy, because I wanted to capture the essence of Henry and Alex’s characters in a world that’s so different from the book, and I think I did alright :) I loved exploring the lengths to which Henry’s grief for his father would go if placed in different circumstances. I also loved writing the action scenes for this fic because I’m such a visual reader, so like- if the image doesn’t immediately flash in the reader’s mind when they read my works, then I’ve fallen short of what I’m doing. I expected this story to do much better than how it did, but I’m also grateful for everyone who gave it their time 🤍

Upcoming fics:

Uhhh, I usually like to keep these a surprise so I don’t end up overpromising 😂 BUT since I have a couple of chapters outlined, we’re getting prince henry x head of security team alex (here’s the prompt) it’s going to be absolute shenanigans!!!

Thank you to @0npurpose and @thesleepyskipper for tagging me in your writing round-ups, I’m so proud of you 🤍

Tags (no pressure ofc!! 💗) :

@kj-bee @firenati0n @ash-morrison @caterpills @miharaikko @theprinceandagcd @blueeyedgrlwrites @anincompletelist @henryspearl @magicmelinoe @milowren29

Lastly, I’m so grateful for the wonderful friends I’ve made along the way, and I can’t wait to witness what everyone in this incredible fandom brings in 2025 🥳✨♥️

#ao3 wrapped #rwrb fanfic #rwrb fics #ao3 writer #firstprince #rwrb fanfiction #henry fox mountchristen windsor #alex claremont diaz #rwrb #red white and royal blue #rwrb fic

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simonnebethel · 1 year ago

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Writeblr Introduction

Just learned what a writeblr intro is so I'm gonna make one before I go to bed lol

I've already done something like this a few days ago but that was when I had no clue what I was doing lmao, so might as well make a more in depth one

About me:

20, she/her, bi

American

I write mostly fantasy and urban fantasy, and honestly i dont think i've ever written a story that was non-fantasy lol

Started writing when I was 10, but it was mostly Warrior Cats fanfiction on Wattpad lol. I went through a writing slump for most of highschool but last year I decided to get back into it since I'm not doing anything else lol

I like to read fantasy and classic lit, also anything with vampires. I also have a soft spot for slowburn romances where the main characters dont kiss until, like, the 4th book heehee

In love with anything gothic, vampire, and wlw 👩‍❤‍💋‍👩

I think one of my more niche interests is any early 2000s fantasy/sci-fi movie with a nu-metal/rock/alternative soundtrack like Queen of the Damned and The Crow. They are just...*chefs kiss*

My current stories:

A Chant for Blood (Formerly known as Account of Calamity)

Account of Calamity is a gothic victorian fantasy about a Grand Marshal, Karliah Helisende, and a blood-drinking fiend, Yorick Gwynplaine, who work together to investigate the mysterious portals that spawn dangerous creatures into the city of Isarnan, all the while Karliah is being haunted by the mysterious ancient temple that watches over her every move.

I'm currently working on the second draft, and I may start looking for beta readers once I'm finished, although I know I'm not far from finished with this novel. I also plan to make it a 4 or 5 book series, and slowly add a slowburn romance.

12/30/24 - Second draft has been finished!!

Looking for beta readers! Look here!

Our Demonic Hearts - The Craven Pact Series #1

Our Demonic Hearts is a urban fantasy about a cambion woman, Ana Kravens, haunted by her past. Taking place in a small Mississippi town, a man she went through a traumatic incident with, Beau Motloe, shows up on her doorstep one day with a deal; help him find his missing mother, and he'll give back the memories she lost during the traumatic incident. Her father, a demonic creature of unknown origin, wants nothing more than the Motloes dead, claiming that they were the very reason his daughter was almost killed 6 years ago. Ana goes against her father's wishes and accepts Beau's deal, suspecting that her father isn't telling the whole truth about that fatal night.

It is completed and available on Wattpad and Royal Road!! It was just a small project I had done for Nanowrimo, and has been edited at least once before being published. However, I plan to make it a trilogy and maybe have some spin-offs. This story is fairly new, but most of the characters are at least 5 years old and I love them very much <3

My Plans for 2025:

Finish my fantasy romance novel, To Hear a Lovebird by February 28(currently sitting at 48k out of an estimated 60k!)...and give it a new name 😅

Start the first draft of The Craven Pact #2, which is called Our Sacred Memories!

Down the road, I may start another short story...I am not sure.

Create a Instagram account for writing...I'm not sure. We will see.

Begin the next editing phase for my Victorian fantasy novel, A Chant for Blood! I am itching to get back to working on it. I have many plans for it.

What I planned for 2024:

Finish the second draft of A Chant for Blood and look for beta readers(In the beta reader phase!) ✅

Start the second novel of The Craven Pact Series(Outline complete)

Write a short story/novella or two taking place within the A Chant for Blood universe. My brain is currently exploding with ideas rn ✅

Write a short story about Ana Kraven's mom and how she met Marchosias, Ana's father. ❌

Plan something for Nano?? Idk where I'll be in November lol (Finish a project I started in february, which is To Hear a Lovebird!)(14/22 chapters done!)

I'm interested in following other writers and reading everybody's stories! I would also be interested in a beta read/beta swap ^^

Other sites I'm on:

Wattpad: LillithOfBees

Royal Road: SimonneBethel

Bluesky: Simonne-Bethel

18+ Writing discord!!!

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vixstarria · 6 days ago

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2024 Writing Retrospect

I was tagged by @marlowethebard, thank you so much!

What's been your biggest learning point this past year?

I think the main thing I've come to realise is that discipline and simply sitting down to write something is more important than and will often surpass a lack of inspiration or writer's block - the ideas will often start flowing once you just get started.

...Whether or not I've learned how to actually be consistently disciplined is an entirely different question.

How has your writing developed this past year?

It's difficult to measure it. One thing that I can say is that re-reading the fics I published in 2023 now makes me cringe, which I suppose is a sign that I've (hopefully) improved.

I will add that I am currently actively working on learning and improving (i.e. reading / watching lectures on the more theoretical aspects of writing, story building, etc) - and it's been interesting. There are some things that I've already been doing intuitively, and others that I only realise now that they've been explained to me. Hopefully it will show in my writing soon.

Good writing habits?

Just sitting down to write even when I don't feel like it. Chances are, I will start feeling like it soon after I start, and even if I don't - at least I will know that I have accomplished something that day.

Bad writing habits?

I feel I've gotten so used to and spoiled by my writing software (scrivener) that I can no longer just open a google doc on my phone or work computer and jot down a few lines whenever an idea hits me - I leave it for later, and when the later comes it's all washed out. I need to stop being so damn picky.

Favorite thing you wrote?

Bloodbang Chronicles my beloved longfic.

Favorite reads?

This is a very tricky question, because I have a lot of very talented friends in the fandom, whose works I love and always look forward to seeing updated, and 1) I don't want to offend anyone by omission, and 2) I don't want to make the list a mile long.

I will only list the fics that are completely unlike anything else that I've read:

Direct from Hell Logistics by @ineadhyn - modern AU Raphael/Haarlep - Raphael is killed by Tav and is sent to our world as a DHL delivery man as punishment. Hilarity ensues. But also, the slow burn romance? (well, the romantic aspect of it, anyway) And the angst? And the action? Mwah. This is the fic that made me love Raphael.

Thy People Shall Be My People by @leomonae - postgame Astarion/Tav. What makes it so different from other Tavstarion fics? Well, Tav is an illithid. Also, this is a fic where every single word and sentence is full of meaning, nothing is irrelevant, and I read with bated breath to make sure I don't miss anything.

Ruins by @marlowethebard - modern AU but not really, the setting is Faerun 1,000 years in the future, and it is close to the modern world, but not quite. Astarion is in the centre of it all, with some 'friends' from BG3 increasingly making appearances. The mystery, the drama, the amazing characterisation, the unique setting, the absolute love with which it is written. I squeal happily every time I get an email about a new chapter.

Biggest win?

"The real treasure was the friends we made along the way", lol.

But quite seriously, it's being part of the community here and on Discord - having the opportunity to bounce ideas and inspire each another, as well as the general support (relating to writing and otherwise) I've had throughout the year - it's been amazing and I doubt I'd still be writing or creating if I hadn't met so many lovely people here. ❤

Goals for the new year?

Publish winter big bang fic in February

Continue writing Bloodbang Chronicles (I'm not going to commit to actually wrapping it up - I've got way too many ideas to fit inside it before the end)

Publish some original works and try to actually make some money with it - that would be nice

Your favorite words of the year, aka the words you check each chapter for, making sure you didn't repeat them 788 times?

I should probably come up with a way to depict that a character was surprised or momentarily caught off guard, other than having them "blink". They tend to "sigh" entirely too often as well.

What are you excited for in the new year?

Accomplishing the above goals and reading more of the fics I love.

tagging @tragedybunny @spacebarbarianweird @snowfolly @wilteddreamsofbaldursgate @mj-bites

@leomonae @ineadhyn @bardic-inspo and whoever else wants to share their thoughts

#tag game #writing tag game #2024 writing recap #vix musings

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sleepymccoy · 7 days ago

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2024 fics

I didn't realise how many I'd posted this year! I'd've thought it was two lol. So, have a list. They're all spones <3

An Intimacy, A Surprise

This follows a FWB relationship that morphs into proper dating and then marriage. Very TOS compliant. Skips along through time with each chapter being one scene that either moves the plot forward, or that I just wanted to write. The chapters end when they kiss, but I still managed to sneak some sex scenes in (sometimes they argue instead of kissing lol)

A long, complicated path

This is a direct follow on from the previous fic. That one ends with Bones following Spock to the aos universe, so then I was like, well, how would the aos guys handle that. Well, I think one person commented asking that and I was like... oh no now I have to think about it and write it! And the answer is by weaponising a marraige certificate that has their names, and then falling for each other. My main memory in writing this one is that I was finishing my masters in the same month and this was a total stress relief fic that I can barely recall lol. I should read it some time, it's probably quite good

Nice and Vague

Very short a cute fic to get me writing. Established married spones with Spock using McCoy to further his diplomatic work. Ends with long distance phone sex fade to black

Two Thirds of a Whole

I completely forgot this fic exists, but now that I've reread the summary omg I spent so much energy on it. This was in response to a lot of people on tumblr who talk about Bones like he's third wheel that doesn't really matter to Spock and Kirk, which rankles me. So I wrote Bones going to a parallel universe where he never joined the Enterprise. I think the main point of the fic kinda got away from me halfway through tho and it really just ends up being a spones fic, with parallel Spock hitting on him, then Bones going back home and hitting on his Spock. But yeah, I think if I did this again I'd pay more attention to the Bones is important message

Oh Commander Mine

This one is all fun. Intended to be a dubcon fic, but I ended up shying from that a little. There's still some dubconny elements, so read the tags and feel free to ask me specifics if you're concerned but wanna try reading. Bones has to be Spock's vulcan sex slave, and he kinda gets into it in a way he didn't expect. They get together afterwards, with some bad communication skills, but overall it's a healthy sorta ending. It was me trying to write my kinks without shame, but unfortunately I did pull my punches a bit. Maybe I'll write my kinks properly in 2025!

On that, writing aims in 2025

I'm iffy on the trying my kinks again really, but I do have a vague nugget of an idea so if that fills out in a way I find interesting I will. I think writing dubcon is really hard to do honestly without the story getting overwhelmed with shame, which I don't feel about my kinks! So, it's hard to write a solid, genuine story that actually reflects what I wanna read. Commander Mine is a pretty good approximation really

I really wanna redo An Even Number of Souls. It's a great premise but I wrote myself into a bit of a corner and didn't know where to go so it's sitting there unfinished. But I think the story is really strong and I wanna do it. I've restructured and rewritten some scenes, so it's got a good chance. Just need to get the buzz for it again and really settle back into it. Unfortunately for Souls, tis the season of plot bunnies for me rn and I keep having new ideas that are so fun to write instead

I won't have too much trouble writing and posting the odd fic here and there. I've got three active wips rn, one is Spock getting bullied, one is mcspirk, one is a christmas fic I'm probably gonna let stay unfinished tbh. However, I am keen to write some more og fiction than I have been lately. I've got some great stuff in the works!!

I've got a poly story about a cyborg, a doctor, and an engineer. It's kind of about ownership of your own body. It's also about being trans. It's about showing the difference between aromantic and asexual people. It's mostly about writing insanely kinky sex, though. Cyborg guy is gonna get a bluetooth connected detachable dick eventually!

Also got a great story that's always on my mind, it's got two swapping povs. The world is very catholic, set far in the future. One of the povs is a plumber on a spaceship who start to secretly fuck a priest (secret gay style, secret cos it's catholic). The other is a cop on an asteroid investigating the murder of an important church guy. She loses her job around halfway, which is when you realise the priest the plumber is fucking is definitely the murderer. She then jumps in a lil ship with some guy willing to give her the lift, to try and arrest the murderer and get her job back, but instead is just stuck in a tin can with a hot guy (who turns out to be trans) and wants to fuck him (but she has to drop her bigotry before she can)(cos he's trans and has a vagina, theres literally no other barrier for her). At that point the plumber's pov picks up the murder mystery story. So it's kinda like there's two stories, one romance and one murder investigation, and they swap half way who is living which. The characters are very fucked up and fun to write. The murder, btw, is morally okay imo. The gays get a happy ending. Not sure the cop will, we'll see if she's willing to let go of her expectations in the second half of the book. I've written like 2/3s of the first half already!

Anyway that's me on my stories. I'm procrastinating writing the Spock getting bullied story rn by posting this post! So maybe feel free to ask me questions and I can respond instead of writing lol

#spones #bones #spock #wriblr #2024 fanfics

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peaceloveandstarrs · 8 days ago

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2024 was.... something. Here goes... VERY long post b/c this year was A LOT. But in about 9 hours it'll be in the past! so!

I had the worst work year I've had; it was my first as a lead, a brand new curriculum, and assistants who were hard to open up to. And my boss was telling me it was on me to open up to them. Not quite right. They needed to open up to me too. They ended up leaving, and now I've got one of my good friends working with me, she's a huge help. I had a lot of struggles with constructive criticism - my brain takes it as SEE YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH... definitely still working on that too. People at work want to help me, not put me down. I'm still building my confidence there, but I will get there!

Personally - I still dealt with a lot of the anxiety. I had a massive falling out with my former best friend, Cherry. And yes, it was my fault. I know I'll never get to apologize, but my biggest task here is forgiving myself. What I did was a product of being unhealed; now I know better. I still miss her sometimes, but I know I'll be okay. Something that happened caused me to fall out with Mel, but luckily we've been able to rekindle and now things are stronger than ever. Forgive and forget. I'm so happy to have her back in my life - she's one of my biggest cheerleaders!!! I love you! I also strengthened friendships with Bridge (I dunno your real name), Renee, and made new friends! I'm working on coming out of my shell... I'm not nearly as bad as my anxiety makes me out to be.

And with Matt, things are amazing <3 we're both taking steps towards getting ready for the next chapter... so one day in 2025 you might see me post a ring!!! ;) he's my biggest offline supporter, and I wonder every day how I got lucky enough to find him. I love him dearly and I can't wait to see where life takes us in 2025.

Healing... whoa boy has this been a downhill rollercoaster lately! In the good way! I'm becoming more accepting of myself and all my weirdness, enjoying my hobbies more and more, and changing how I see myself. I'm trying to treat myself more compassionately when I mess up or get into my head - this is hard work, I didn't get these mindsets in a day, I won't reverse them in a day!! I truly think this new obsession with Bob Dylan helped - it refreshed me, gave me some new energy that I hadn't gotten in a long time.

sooo here are some thanks

@lil-melody-moon where do i begin!!! I'm super grateful that I chose to reunite w/you, we're quite the team! lol thank you for encouraging all my weirdness and thirst and obsessions. I can't wait to see what the next bout of teasing will be... mwah! thank you for all of your love and support.

@good-to-drive you are amazing and i'm so grateful for your friendship and understanding. i don't know how i would have gotten through some of the hard times during the fallout with my other friend without your support. thank you for all your saraniverse help, for the personal help, and for encouraging this new obsession ha! i can't wait to hear more about your research :D

@johangeorghohman you found me during a very dark time, and i'm happy that you stuck around now that i'm doing better! thank you fr all of your kindness and for listening to my insane ramblings lol!

@djbead123 and @androidxmutt yall are awesome! i know we haven't been friends that long, but i'm looking forward to continuing into 2025! (and i can't wait to see that drawing!)

@knoxoverstreet16 i'm glad i messaged you! you're fun to talk to, and i love seeing little pics from your tours and stuff! :D

@rufusrant thank you for being my starrison friend ^_^ and for not giving up on me when i wasn't as healed as i am now (so i wasn't making the best choices, friend and conversation wise). i do wanna write that story!

@i-am-the-oyster and @s-l-martin thank you for being so encouraging when it comes to how shy i am on discord... i'm getting out of that slowly but surely!

finally but not least @bridgeoverstrawberryfields i know things are tough for you right now, but i just wanted to extend some love and care. you've been a wonderful friend all this year, and i thank you from the bottom of my heart. and i'm here whenever you're ready <3

#sarah rambles

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imtrashraccoon · 8 days ago

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My Top Ten Posts of 2024

It's the last day of 2024! I wanted to do this for a bit but didn't want to go through everything manually. Then, my friend @aylish91 made a top 10 post using a little tool that I also had to try!

1. Bad Sansuary: Free Space - Snuggle (January 31, 2024)

The finale! I think it's rather fitting that this one was my top post of the year. I think it was a great way to wrap up the month.

2. Cross x Reader: A Gentle Soldier (March 12, 2024)

I knew this one would be on here! Every other day I get a notification that someone liked it and I'm just, amazed? Something original to me was this good? I need to write for Cross more apparently... (Btw, it is canon to The Nightmare of Apathy if you haven't read it yet!)

3. Bad Sansuary: Horror - Hot Drinks (January 1, 2024)

The very first post of the year and the first chapter of Have Some Empathy, Dear. I'm still so proud of this one and if it wasn't part of an overarching story, I think it would be a great opening to a Horrortale story.

4. Bad Sans' Reactions to Being Called "A Bad Boy" (April 18, 2024)

I... I didn't expect this one to be on here to be honest. It was just a silly little headcanon that I came up with during a conversation with @/owl-bones. It was cringe and yet somehow the only headcanon that made the list.

5. Bad Sansuary: Horror - Romance (January 2, 2024)

This one also makes sense to be here. It was also a funny chapter to write and had character development for the MC.

6. Don't Imagine #9: Nightmare (August 23, 2024)

Hm, I wonder why this one is so high up? Oh, probably because I made it super indulgent and it got a bit of a boost. I'm glad this list had at least one entry from later in the year!

7. Bad Sansuary: Nightmare - Shield (January 28, 2024)

Heh, the climax of the story and Nightmare saving the day. What could be cooler than that? Nothing! I'm still super proud of this and I remember being amazed that the story was wrapped up so neatly.

8. Bad Sansuary: Dust - Vibe Check (January 10, 2024)

I am a tad surprised Dust didn't rank higher but I'm glad this chapter made the list. I feel like I put more effort in the other ones but this was just a silly little idea. It was definitely the turning point in Dust's and MC's relationship.

9. Bad Sansuary: Horror - Sharp (January 3, 2024)

Heh, this was a really fun chapter. I just really like big scary boys turning soft and gentle. This one is always a delight to read back.

10. Bad Sansuary: Free Space - Scars (January 30, 2024)

I'm glad this one also made the list. It was a bit of a personal one for me and really comfy. I need to write more comfort chapters like this.

If you want to make your own top ten post list, check out the link below!

And that's that! I feel like I might have peaked in January lol. At least there's another year on the horizon! I'm going to be writing for Bad Sansuary again, so keep a look out tomorrow for the first chapter! After that, maybe I'll take a look at finishing some older fics or requests. See you in the New Year lovelies! (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)💜

#raccoons rambles #undertale #maybe check these out one more time while waiting for tomorrow?#it's gonna be great!

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thecapricunt1616 · 9 months ago

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Blue Lotus - SxC Fic - Chapter 2

♡ Summary: Carmy & Syd go horseback riding!!! Carmy's therapy friends push him to go for what he wants, his 'light at the end of the tunnel'

♡ W/C: 6,534

♡ Posted Date: 04/07/2024

♡ A/N: Hayoooo!!! I am too inspired... this has become a multi-chap fic hahaha I am havin' so much fun here!! Thank you @gingergofastboatsmojito for inspiring me to keep going!!! ILY! As per usual please know - this fic was inspired by THIS FIC here - Tucson by the GLORIOUS GINGER!!!! Go read that before you even THINK about reading this fic ok?! I love how I hate storer for the same reasons but im a sucker for writing a slowburn - I find myself screaming at MYSELF internally "make them kiss already!!!!" but they will KISSSS SHORTLY SO SHORTLY MY DEARSSSS !!! It will be a JUICY TAYLOR SWIFT DAYLIGHT ASS KISS OK!!!! THEY WILL ONLY SEE EACHOTHER FROM THEN ON!!!! Its gonna be a 'and I can still see it all in my mind all of you all of me intertwined I USED TO THINK LOVE WOULD BE BLACK AND WHITE BUT ITS GOLDENNNNNNN. We need Carmy to realize a few more things but then - he will be hozier level devoted to this woman even more then he already is, I hope you enjoy!!

♡ Warnings for BTC: Not really any? Like? LOL - Swearing?! Smoking cigarettes?! They just went horseback riding & carmy went to therapy- oh Ig talks of carmy getting hard LMAO but thats as crazy as we get this chapter. ➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡ ➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

Stardust nudges his shoulder so hard he almost falls over, and he turns to look at her. His heart jumped into his throat, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. She was there, she was really there.

“Uh-” he blinked a few times, to be sure that she wouldn’t disappear. “Syd? Hey..uh-” he felt his entire body buzzing with excitement. He couldn’t help the smile that took over his features. She looked… gorgeous. Carmen wasn’t sure there actually was a word in any human language ever to exist that could describe just how wonderful she looked.

Her hair was in its natural state, she was wearing an adorable corduroy jacket, black jeans, and white sneakers. “You came to a farm…in those?” he motions to her shoes.

She laughs a bit “Wow- it’s great to see you too, Carm. Didn’t realize you were…actually like living on a farm” she approached him carefully.

“Shit- yes- fuck- It’s its so good to see you, Syd, C’mere” he pulls her into a tight, long hug. The smell of her lavender vanilla perfume nearly made him melt.

“You’re like…tan- and…muscley now” She laughs a bit, squeezing his arm lightly.

“Uh..” he pulled away, cheeks bright red. “Yeah uh.. It's like- fuckin hard t’ride a horse. And the um…” he rubbed his neck nervously “The uh cows.. They eat hay? Most the time, and so we need to move the bales during the morning for em, they’re like…. 75? 80 pounds? So moving like 10 back and forth every day helps. And I dont really.. Go inside? Here? Its like… uh.. Thats the therapy mostly, the animals- at least f’me” he said sheepishly.

She nodded, looking around the stable. “That one behind you is yours? Shes been side-eying me creepily since I started talking” she pointed to Stardust.

“Oh! Fuck sorry yea, well- no…not- not mine- I got ‘er t’trust me. But uh, yeah this is Stardust. She’s a super sweet girl” He explained. Stardust leaned in, sniffing Syds hair carefully.

“Cute- All you’re missing is a hat” She teased.

He chuckled a bit, “Ok, c’mon - why are you here, Syd” He said with a small smile, crossing his arms over his chest.

She shrugged, looking at the ground and kicking a rock out of the way with her shoe. “Cause…I was worried- I dunno…” She definitely wasn't going to get bold and tell him that she’d missed him, terribly.

“Ok…well now that y’here, and y’see i’m okay…wanna have some fun?” He asked, a small smile on his lips.

Syd looked back up at him, as if he had 3 heads. “Okay- Where is Carmen Berzatto- Not his… Weird alien clone- Camren Brazota” she said, laughing a bit “what do you mean fun?” She asked, and Carmy laughed, real, and genuine.

“Well- If I didn’t change my view a little I’d never leave. So, yes, Syd, ‘a little fun never hurt noone’ - per my therapist. Shes fuckin annoying. I much prefer the horses.” He pet Star’s mane and she leaned into his touch.

“Holy shit” Syd laughed a bit. “Wow- alright. I feel like you’re a whole new man already, what kind of fun?” she mused.

“Ever ridden a horse?” he walked over to the saddle rack, pulling off a double seated one and hanging it over the back of the stall door.

“No- Actually, Don’t I need um…like - stuff for it?” she asked.

“Oh don’t think I wont give you the full experience” he opened the riding closet, “Whats your shoe size?” he asked, crouching down and looking through the pairs of extras.

“8? Er- 9 probably 9” she said. He dug through them until he found a matching pair.

“These should do, y’stuff is cool here we can just leave it in her stall” he told her, holding out his arm for her to hold while she switched her shoes.

“You seem like…” she said as she slipped off her sneaker and put on the boot. “I dunno…chill- well- i wont go that far- but chill-er then before.” Carm snorted a laugh, holding on to her arm to steady her.

“Thanks? I guess..that’s good right?” He asked.

“Yeah! Yeah of course…I mean, it’s nice. To see you not so…anxious.” She said, slipping the other boot on.

“Yeah I um…” he cleared his throat, opening the stall door. “I uh..I’m takin meds- Now? Uh..all this shit. Y’know they have me like tranquilized more then these guys” he said and she laughs, Carmen smiled proudly at the fact, relishing in the wonderful sound.

“But yeah like Like 3 er..er 4. they say I had all this uh..mental shit. Goin’ on w’me and that’s why I was all…wound up I guess” he explained, calling Star out and getting her harness situated.

Syd caught herself staring at his arms as he worked, how the toned muscle moved beneath the fabric of the shirt.

“Aren’t you freezing?” She asked, noticing he wasn’t wearing a jacket like she was.

“Used to it now, well- I mean the moving around. It gets hot this shit is heavy. Wanna try to hold the saddle?” He asked, unhooking the saddle from the stall door where he’d left it momentarily.

“It can’t be that bad” she countered.

“I think this thing weighs probably as much as you do.” He said “hold out your arms” he smiled a bit.

She lifted her arms out in front of her and he plops the saddle down, she had to plant one of her feet forward so she didn’t fall face first due to the sudden weight and he laughed, catching the saddle quickly and baring most the weight.

“Told you” he teased.

She rolled her eyes “yeah whatever. Saddle up the horse, cowboy” she dropped the saddle back in his arms. He hurled the saddle over Stars back with a grunt.

“Fuckin hell” he huffed, realizing since the saddle was nearly double the weight as his usual, and being on the shorter end- he couldn’t just get it on her when she was standing straight. “Bow” he told the horse and she just stared at Sydney.

“Don’t embarrass me, Star. Bow” he told her and she looked the other way.

“So uhhh…this one’s trained, huh?” Sydney teased.

Carmen looked back at her “mmhmm maybe she doesn’t like strangers” he said, walking over to the other side.

“Since she’s bein difficult y’gonna have T’help. C’mere” he waved her over and she followed. “So when I push it up, just grab the saddle pad and make sure it doesn’t move, yea?” He asked.

“The fuck is a saddle pad, dude- I know my way around a kitchen not a fuckin horse stable.” She looked at the many different layers the horse was already wearing.

“Alright. So this,” he lifted the cloth, “is her blanket. Keeps her core warm. And beneath it” he pats the pad “this is her saddle pad, it makes it more comfortable. So our bones aren’t like..diggin in her back and shit. Also shock, when she jumps the foam of it helps our weight disperse. The saddle is so big and heavy I can’t keep the pad still at the same time, so just hold it f’me,” he took her hand, guiding it to where he wanted her to hold.

She felt her heartbeat quicken, his hands were so large and calloused on top of her own. She nodded wordlessly, keeping her eyes trained on where she was meant to be holding and focusing on keeping it steady as he went back around and carefully lifted up the heavy saddle with a grunt, laying it over the horses back.

“Jesus- how much can this thing carry” Syd asked.

“Well she is a mare, she weighs about…mmm- 1900? She can comfortably hold about 400 pounds for a decent distance but she can’t do that for hours and hours at a time. We together can’t be more then 300, and her gear is less then 100 pounds. Were just goin f’r a quick ride, I gotta get to therapy at 3” he explained as he buckled on her saddle.

“Ah. So you’ve been memorizing horse information instead of creating recipes? I figured when I got here you’d have gone nuts by now without being in a kitchen so long” she gently touched the horses mane as she spoke.

“Maybe. Well…I am kinda goin crazy? But I can’t…let it out?” He chuckled a bit “does that make sense? Nights are a little hard before my sleep meds kick in but that just says I haven’t done enough that day” he got up. “So y’gettin up first since I’m sittin in back” he explained.

“Oh…uh- ok how do I?” She asked looking up at the at least 7 foot tall animal.

“Y’not gonna be able to do it alone. C’mere” he told her. She comes over and looks at him.

“How the fuck do you do this?” She looked up at the saddle that was at the top of her head before looking back at him.

“So-“ he snorts a laugh at her wide confused expression. “She’s not gonna like you trying to roll up on her back, and I don’t want you t’get thrown off, she can be moody with new people. I almost broke my shoulder my first time trying to ride her” he said and she crossed her arms slightly.

“So how. How do I get up there?” She asked. He pulled out a step stool, setting it next to the horse and getting up on the third step.

“I’m giving you a lift. Arms up” he said with a playful smirk.

“No- no way- Carmen that’s too high. You’ll drop me!!” She took a step back, feeling slightly nervous.

“I won’t because I’ll bribe her Syd. C’mere” he pulled a pack of peep marshmallows out of his pocket and the horse nearly starts dancing.

“Carm- what the fuck is happening?” She asked and Carmy chuckled.

“Bow. Cmon Syd wants t’ride. Bow and you’ll get y’treat star.” He told the horse.

It obediently bowed down and before Syd could process what was happening, Carm was scooping her up beneath her arms Syd squealed in surprise. “Oh my GOD WHY ARE YOU PICKING ME UP!” She shrieked, wiggling in his arms.

“open y’legs! Cmon! she’s gonna get up!!!” Carmen laughed holding her up higher. Syd finally obeyed and he gently plopped her on the first saddle. “Good girl” he told the horse, feeding her the marshmallow and putting the packet in his pocket again before swiftly getting on behind Syd.

“Alright. Hard part done.” He reached around her waist, and she lifted her arms slightly.

“What- can you tell me what’s going on? I’m a horse virgin!” She said, and they both went quiet for a moment, before cracking up laughing. Syd leaned to her left slightly as she tried catching her breath, grabbing the rein for stability and tugging.

Star took off sprinting, Syd screamed in surprise, her body going tight with fear. Carmen quickly wrapped his arms around Syds waist protectively, tugging on the reigns “WOOOOAH!” He called to Star and she quickly came to a stop.

“Stand.” He told the horse firmly.

“What the fuck Carm I thought she was trained!” Syd exclaimed, gripping onto his forearms for dear life.

“I gotchu, you think I’d let her kick you off?” He tightened his arms around her. Carmen swore his heart was thumping so hard that she felt it on her shoulder blade.

“Also when she moves it’s hard to keep still.” She said nervously.

“Don’t worry, I gotchu, Syd. Lean into me, if our weight is centered then it’ll be easier for all 3 of us” he gently pushed at her stomach.

She leaned back into his broad chest, “see” he said softly. He was lucky the angle didn’t allow for her to see him, because his face was bright red, And having her body pressed against his…was making him flush somewhere else too.

He clicked his tongue and Stardust started walking again, at an easy comfortable trot. “This…is ok.” She said, much more comfortable now.

“I’m gonna take you t’one of my favorite spots.” He said, pulling on the reins to the left lightly so she would follow the left trail.

“Wow, already sharing secret spots huh? I think this therapist may just be Doctor of the year I don’t even think I’ve seen your favorite Chicago spots” she teased.

Carm laughed a bit, he felt so much lighter with Syd around. And life had been lighter ever since he got here.

“How is…uh- how is it back home?” He cleared his throat lightly. It was something that had being weighing on him. Yes, he was here, he was doing the thing. He was making Sugar happy. He was making Syd happy…but he would go back, at some point.

And his biggest fear was things will just go right back. He won’t have this outlet, he won’t have sunset rides with Stardust to ease his mind. He won’t have the cows happily running up to him and greeting him when he was the first one to bring out a bale of hay. He felt like if he was here, he may have the confidence to tell Syd how he feels. But back home? It was another life.

“Fine..things are..y’know. The usual shit. But nothing bad, no one’s getting locked in any freezers if that’s what you mean” she said playfully.

Carm rolled his eyes with a light smile. “Mmhmm. So the restaurant is-“

“Is fine.” She said. “I’d have told you. You know that.” She said and he nodded a bit.

“I know she scared you back there…but it’s pretty fun to go fast. You wanna try?” He asked.

She shifted a bit uncomfortably, her hands tightening around his arms that were holding the reins around her waist. “Uhh…maybe? Are you sure we won’t fall off?” She questioned.

“I’m sure. Here you can be the one to control it. Start light ok? With your legs.” He gently ran his hands down her thighs to right below her knees “here” he said softly, squeezing the flesh gently so she wouldn’t have to lean and look. “With that part of your legs, give her a little squeeze. But really light, or we’ll take out of here like a bat out of hell” he held around her waist again, securely holding the reins.

“Mmhmm” she said, she was beginning to feel hot- and not because she’d done any hard work in regards to getting the horse ready.

“Alright. Whenever you’re ready, you’re the boss” he said the last part softly in her ear. If it wasn’t for her jacket, he would see the goosebumps that had risen on her arms. She nodded quickly, staring straight ahead and trying to maintain her composure.

“So I just?” She squeezed gently and the horse picks up her speed slightly. “Oh…ok” she said.

“Told y’she was trained” Carmy teased and she rolls her eyes.

“Mmm you’ve done a very good job, bribing this horse with peeps. The staff know you do this?” She asked. Carmy snorted a laugh

“No. But she’s healthy. Made sure. She only gets one or 2 if she doesn’t listen.” He admitted.

She shook her head with a smile. “And how’d you find this out, Carm?” She leaned into him once more.

“I…” he laughed a bit, his chest vibrating with the movement and it made her heart warm.

“I uh…spent a few days in the library here. Reading up. After she threw me off. It’s all about trust with em. So I never lied to ‘er and I’ve never done something she didn’t expect because I always try to warn her.” He said, pulling her reigns a bit tighter.

“This is like a joyride Syd cmon, I said fast not an evening stroll.” He teased.

“Fine. Mister horse master- show me what Miss Stardust can do.” She said.

With 2 kisses and a quick tap of his heel, they were off like a rocket. He held Syd steady, being sure she wouldn’t have to do most the work of holding herself center as he gripped each reign with the opposite hand, holding them taught so Star knew to keep going.

Syd laughed, the wind flicking her dark curls all around. He wished she could see her amused expression. “Holy shit this is the best!” She shouted over the loud thuds of Stars hoofbeats.

“I know right! Can you believe she can go faster?” He said, holding his knees taut around her hips to keep her from sliding.

“Okay we are not! This is fine!” She said and sat up a bit “are we going into the-” She asks as Star begins to barrel through a creek, the freezing water spraying up and around them getting them slightly wet, the freezing water splashing from their calves up to their cheeks.. “CARMY!” She screams through laughter.

He could barely catch his breath as he laughed so hard his stomach and ribs ached. “I’m sorry!! Syd! Oh god-“ he chuckled “woah girl- woah” he called to the course and she slowed down once again to a stop.

“Fuck-“ Carmen chuckled “you okay?” He asked, picking a wet leaf from her jacket and throwing it to the forest floor.

“Yeah- I’m.. I’m fine. That was really fun actually. C’mon I wanna see the spot” she said and took it upon herself to tug the reins so Star would take off again

“Shi-it!” He quickly finds his balance, “warn me!! Oh god I almost flew off!!” He told her.

“You think I’d let her throw you off?” She mimics him from earlier and he takes the chance to playfully pinch her waist

“Yes because who’s in back and who’s in front?” He wrapped his arms around her again, taking the reins from her grasp. “Your reign privileges have been revoked for this riding lesson, Ms.Adamu”

She laughed a bit “I’ll earn them back. Don’t worry” she mused.

“Mmm we need to talk about more shit before I just literally hand the reins over. Coulda spooked her and we’d be fuckin dead.” he angled the outside reigns so she’d slow down as they came to the clearing.

“Here we are” he hopped off, raising his arms to help her down.

She carefully reached out for him and he lifted her off, gently setting her down. “Holy fuck Carmy” she turned around, watching the waterfall cascade down over the rocks.

“Right! Told you. It’s a fire spot” he went over to one of the rocks he usually sat at, plopping down and taking out a cigarette. “Oh- shit- can’t have y’running off” he told Stardust and chuckled, leaving the cigarette between his lips as he walked over to her, guiding her over to the tree, and hooking her right rein around a branch before sitting back down.

“Yeah…I can’t remember the last time I went somewhere so…” she trailed off, looking at all the trees and running water.

“Green?” Carmy lit his cigarette, taking a drag. “Not packed with smog? Somewhere that doesn’t smell like shit.” He said as he exhaled.

“…yeah” she said and laughed a bit. “Yeah. Guess that’s it.” She came and sat next to him. “What did you mean about her getting scared?” She asked curiously.

“Oh- a scared horse will fucking kill you. Not on purpose, but they’re big and pure muscle, and will do anything to get away from danger. I scared the shit out of her one time, that was it. Dislocated my shoulder 8th day here. Doing that hurts like a bitch by the way.” He rolled his shoulder gently.

“How’d you manage that? God I knew you were shit at chatting up girls but she dislocated your shoulder?” She teased.

He rolled his eyes with a playful smile, taking another drag. “Yes, I was fuckin around on the trail, dunno why- but there was this branch sticking out so I grabbed it, it snapped, she fuckin reeeared dude. I flew back so hard. My back might still be bruised I’m not sure. Still hurts a little to laugh” he said.

“You better have seen a doctor” she said.

“Ohhh silly Syd.” He sighed, a puff of smoke filling the air in front of him. “We aren’t allowed to refuse treatment here. If you get hurt, and you refuse to get help, it’s considered self harm, which leads to them believing you have suicidal ideation, which leads to you being locked in the actual nuthouse. So yes. I willingly went to the doctor daily for a week. And now, I’m being checked on once a week. So yeah. Oh and therapy daily. And every day I’m given my meds and someone checks over ‘pre-existing injuries’ which that is now considered. So yeah. I’m good. I’m fuckin fine as fine can be.” He said.

“Awww poor little chef, being taken care of so well that’s so hard isn’t it?” She teased and he gives her a playful glare, but couldn’t help but crack a smile when he realized she was smiling too.

“I was being taken care of fine at home by myself but you and my sister just had to ship me off after one tiny accident” he leaned back on his hand, taking another drag of his cigarette.

“It stops becoming an accident when you didn’t care, Carm. You didn’t care. It didn’t phase you. You weren’t even…you weren’t even scared. Just because you didn’t do it on purpose doesn’t mean you did the sane thing which would have been doing everything you could to not let something like that happen.” She said, her tone suddenly serious.

He looked down at his lap, swallowing thickly. He suddenly felt all of the armor he’d spent the last 31 days chipping at, slowly start to meld back together and shell him back in at the shame the whole situation was making him feel.

“I have nightmares…you know. About it. What happened” she said quietly, and he could physically feel his heart ripping open.

The only sound between them was the bubbling stream, and the sounds of their even breaths.

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly, gaze fixed on his lap knowing he would burst into tears at the admission she’d been so deeply plagued by something he’d done, if he had looked at her.

“I know” was all she said, gently resting her hand on top of his. He felt the same fireworks exploding in his chest that he only ever felt when she was around.

“Do you um…” he clears his throat and shook his head, embarrassed by the question plaguing his mind. “Never mind it’s..it’s stupid.” He removed his hand, putting his cigarette in it and resting the hand opposite of her on the rock.

“That usually means it’s not stupid. What?” She coaxed, bumping his knee with hers gently.

“It’s stupid” he said again, shrugging his shoulders.

“It can’t be stupider then asking me what UPS means” She said playfully. He rolled his eyes, smiling and looking over at her.

“And what if it is?” He questioned.

“I would be..worried they’re giving you a bad concoction of meds that’s turning your glorious chef brain in to Swiss cheese” she teased

He snorts a laugh. “I was gonna ask..if you wanted to cook..t’night. My cabin…it uh- has a kitchen? I haven’t cooked in a month. They give us food so I haven’t really bothered but…seeing you makes me miss it more, I guess” he blushed, looking back down at his lap.

“Well obviously. Not gonna let you eat whatever bullshit they’ve been giving you while I’m around.” She said and he shook his head, meeting her gaze once more with a playful smirk.

“Maybe you should check in. My therapist says it’s bad apparently to feel ‘responsible for others’ - says it’s a ‘subconscious self harming behavior’ “ he teased.

She smiled a bit. “Okay- say I do. How about, I check in now, we shoot the shit for what- eleven more days- then, you go back home- and see how stressful it is in that restaurant when one of your hands is basically missing” she plucked the cigarette bud he’d forgotten about from between his fingers before it burnt him, flicking it into the creek.

“You know that’s the first time I’ve seen you smoke- other then…me like checking on you when you were about to explode at work. But you’ve never…pulled one out and smoked it I guess” she said, pulling her knees to her chest and resting her cheek on her forearm as she looked at him.

“Oh…” he said, pulling one of his legs up and resting his arm on it. “Didn’t realize you noticed” he said, brushing some dirt off his jeans.

“I notice a lot of stupid shit about you, it’s kinda annoying honestly.” She said without thinking, her eyes widening when she realized and she looked the other way, resting her other cheek on her knee and squeezing her eyes shut.

Why would you ever say that?! She asked herself internally.

“Oh?” He said again, smiling a bit. “You do?” He questions, but that was as far as he’d push.

“Mhm” was all she responded. Carmys phone started buzzing in his pocket and he pulled it out in case it was one of the ‘base keepers’ they called them. Carmy rather call them babysitters. He knew what they were for, being sure if they were out of sight too long they were making sure they could still get ahold of them.

He sighed in relief when he saw it was just his 2:40 alarm. “Gotta go” he stood up, offering his hand to Syd. “Like- now. Or my ass is getting chewed out.”

The ride back to the cabins was mostly silent. He had no stool this time, so he had to pick up Syd essentially by the ass and gently place her on Stars back so she didn’t get spooked.

He was embarassed as fuck that the tiny action had the crotch region of his jeans tightening more then was casually explainable. Thank god no one was around to see him awkwardly hop in the way of his semi hard third leg down his left pant leg, grunting but covering it with a dry cough when she settled her ass back into him to ‘center their gravity’

Syd absolutely felt the firmness pressing into her ass. She thought it was a bit funny, but also brushed it off to the strange friction that came with riding a horse. She couldn’t allow herself to fully believe his teenage like excitement was due to her, or she’d go insane.

Carmy dropped Syd off at his cabin, giving her the key and telling her he’d put up Stardust and be back by 5, she would be blushing if it weren’t for her mahogany complexion at the domesticity of it all - er what she could imagine domesticity with Carmy would feel like.

Her panties were also soaked through from the feeling of his enormous length pressed into the curve of her ass - the entire way back - but she just chalked that up to not getting laid for a few months, and misreading his natural arousal for him being horny- she quickly pushed the thought down and just chalked it up to the horse. Because guys get hard when they ride horses…right? Right?!

Carmen arrived to therapy extremely frustrated, and extremely ready to talk. He sat down in his regular spot in the back, tapping his knee nervously and covering his crotch with his hands. Luckily, thinking about his mother was enough to make him soft nearly instantly so he had that to thank her for at least.

“Alright guys!” Julienne, the usual Friday therapist came in, sitting in her spot in the circle. “Who is up today! We are-“ she looks at her iPad “oh! Yes this is another OP class, so- no pressure but, I wanna hear what’s goin on!” She crossed her legs.

Julie was far from his favorite therapist, at Blue Lotus. But he wasn’t his least favorite. So he would still talk. He cleared his throat, raising his hand slightly.

“Carmy?! What a treat! Okay what’s up” she grabbed her little stylus pencil. He bit the inside of his lip nervously. He despised how casual she tried to make this all feel.

“Uh…so- my um…business partner, she came to see me. I guess I haven’t been…keeping touch? Enough? She just said she was worried…” he cleared his throat again, gaze fixed on his lap. “And uh…I’m startin’ t’-t’realize stuff?” He sniffled nervously, rubbing his mouth with slightly clammy, nervous hands.

“She uh..” he chuckled a bit. “She…she just…showed up. Didn’t hear shit from ‘er. She probably knew that I’d uh…I’d tell ‘er no?” He finally meets the gaze of Julie.

“Okay. You know guests are allowed right? Like- during the visiting hours, 6am to 11pm, no fraternizing between patients but-“ Carmen cuts her off

“We aren’t - no. Not fraternizing” He shook his head. “But uh…today? We were- we were sitting. This spot, near uh, Jupiter point? On the north side. And I had this- this urge T-to tell her…everything.” He shook his head, looking at the floor again.

“So…you wanted to tell her you love her?” Jesse, one of the guys he’d had lunch with a few times piped up.

“T’be honest, I don’t know.” Carmen said honestly, looking at him.

“Well what does it feel like?” Jesse asked, sitting up a bit.

“What? Like- what does what feel like?” Carmen asked curiously.

“Her. Being with her. Talking to her? Inside. Like. Your chest. Your skin?” He questioned.

“Uh…” Carmen sat back, swallowing thickly and crossing his arms over his chest. He thought for a moment.

“Hot. I get hot. All over. My chest feels tight but - but good? Like- a hug almost. And then…when she…” he blushed, looking down with a shy smile. “When she touches me” he shook his head slightly. “When she touches me it’s like um.. fireworks? Like fireworks beneath my skin.” He chuckled a bit at how cheesy it sounded.

“And you haven’t fucking nailed her?” Jessie asked plainly.

Carmen furrowed his brows, glaring at him. “No” he clenched his jaw “I haven’t.” He snips.

“Dude- you are- pussy whipped with no pussy?! You- you love her, Carmen. You love this chick. I feel like I’m looking in a weird straight mirror - the first time-“ he laughed a bit “the first time I kissed a guy- god. He was so hot. But I had no idea! I had no idea. I really thought that I was just-“ he shook his head “that I was just wanting to befriend him? Or something? But like- I wanted to fuck him. And when I did kiss him? Something unlocked in my brain dude. It was like…like a whole new world. I felt like I knew - I knew what love could feel like? Just ‘cause of that one kiss “ he shrugged.

Carmen looked at him, arms crossed, trying to absorb everything he was saying even though every fiber of his former self was screaming to take it with nothing more than a grain of salt.

“Kiss her dude. Kiss her.” Jesse said and sat back in his chair.

“Well. Although, consensual sexual instances are against the code of conduct to discuss - I am very proud to see you two coming out of your shells. Has anyone else felt… confused in their romantic endeavors and would like to share?” Julie asked.

Carmen crossed his arms tighter, looking down at his lap. This was quite unusual for him, he was one of the patients to only add what he had to to be credited during inpatient, and during outpatient - only spoke when he really and honestly had to.

“Uh-“ the super tall girl, Shayna sits up. Carmen was never really sure why she was here. She looked…perfect by all means. Perfect skin, perfect nails, pretty face, long blonde hair, a perfect body by girl standards. Or at least what Carmen had understood of them.

“Not really the same.. but before I came out? I like…I would uh buy…girl clothes. That I liked. For my girlfriends at the time…” she blushed “and um.. I realized after a while that I liked them. And I wasn’t just..wanting to see my girlfriend in them. And like- it’s not the exact same, but when he said… about how Jesse realized he wanted the guy. That’s how I felt when I finally tried the clothes on” she shrugged.

Carmen was…aghast. He just simply stared at her. He’d never met- or thought- he’d ever met a trans person before today. But…Shayna?

Well- he was wrong because he had met her, they actually knew each other fairly well as far as patients go, she joined the program when he did. When they first met, she’d made a joke about how they were the tallest girl and shortest guy in the class, so that meant they were bound to be friends, since opposites attract - and that earned a chuckle out of him before his meds had even fully evened out.

“I love the cis-and-confused look- it’s cute” she said and laughed a bit. Carmen blushed, smiling a bit.

“Not confused- well, maybe. Maybe a little. Y’Just so…dainty? I dunno..” he shrugged.

“In case you haven’t noticed- mr.little man syndrome- you’re only one out with the cows doing the hay on time in the morning. Ninty percent of the group is your version of dainty ” Jesse teased.

“Jesse” Julie gives him the look. “I’d assume that means- the rest of you that aren’t out helping with the bales- are scraping out the cow pens? Since Carmen is doing all the hard work according to you.”

“I’m not girl- fuck no! The second I got out of inpatient house arrest? I walked my happy ass down to Walmart and bought me some blackout curtains. I recommend those to all of you! Oh my god and some ear plugs!! The stupid fucking roosters! Worst 15 days of my lifeee! I’m never coming back here peace and love to you all though. Truly. Can’t stand this cow shit stank ass place.” Shayna said dramatically, causing Carmen to chuckle a bit.

He had loved her boldness since they’d met. If Shayna didn’t want to do something- she wasn’t doing it. He learned that the day the staff tried to force her on anti-depressants. One of the main therapists got a Wellbutrin straight to the eye, they never attempted that battle the same way again.

“We know Shayna you aren’t shoveling scat, princesses don’t do that” Jesse mocked her valley girl tone.

“Okay! Okay. Alriiiight! Back on track- done with the bickering!” Julie said. “Now that open call is over let’s move on to breakthroughs. This issss-“ she looks at her iPad “ah- yes! D group. So. That makes it-“ he checks her watch “ah- right. 11 days! How are your light tunnel projects going?” She questioned.

Carmen’s chest tightened, but not in the Syd is smiling or he made Syd laugh way- in the - I haven't done something I was meant to do way.

The Light Tunnel project wasn’t hard. It was simply one thing you have done that you had wanted to do when you came into the program. And Carmy knew what his answer was,

Admit how he felt to Sydney.

Or, as his Therapist- Mandy told him ‘become more truthful with yourself and those you know about how you feel’ because “counting on someone to like him back would put him at square one” he had pretended to understand, but knew that he had to tell her and soon - or he was going to really go insane.

“ my light tunnel was to talk to my asshole father- but lucky for me I just caught wind the motherfucker finally died thank god. So by default I win and don’t have to be here anymore cause his abandonment was what fucked me up anyhow“ Shayna said jokingly, causing Carm to snort a laugh. He knew she was only joking about the leaving early part, not the father part. Her father was an even bigger piece of shit then Carmen’s was, he had come to learn.

“Mmm that isn’t how it works we know that Shayna. We’ll talk more about this in one to one “ Julie told her and Shayna crossed her long legs, looking out the window.

The last 20 minutes of the session Carmen sat silently, looking out the opposite window to Shayna, watching the horses running around in the field before they got called in for dinner and just spacing out, thinking about what he may say to Syd.

“Yo - Carm space cadet” Shayna said before kicking his boot he jumped a bit, looking up at them both and had realized the room since had cleared and Julie was preparing for her next session.

“Shit.” He said “how long have I been like…like that?” He asked, his cheeks feeling hot.

“It’s the OCD meds. They get you stuck in a happy thought loop sometimes. Are you just gonna sit here? You wanna do another hour of this with sniveling group a? They got here three days ago.” Jesse said. Carm shook his head, getting up.

“No- no sorry” he said starting with them outside. Shayna laughed a bit

“You were thinking of screwing that business partner aren’t you. “ she said, causing Carmys cheeks to go pinker.

“Shayna shut up!” Jesse scolded, pushing her shoulder lightly.

“Awwww carmyyy are your feelings hurt little buddy? Do you need a hug? Jesus men are such pussys” she pushed open the doors of the therapy cabin for them.

“Let me see pictures of this hot chick. If you don’t fuck her I will and I bet I’d do a better job” Shayna teased as they started heading back towards the cabins.

Carmen couldn’t even process what she said as he felt his breath get caught in his chest, he saw her. She was sitting on the porch of his cabin, criss-cross in one of the rocking chairs as she writes in her notebook. He couldn’t help but stop and stare at the way the setting sun hit her bronze skin, her curls casting intricate patterned shadows on the wood. He felt his heart pick up, his chest squeezing in that way, the way that only happened when he saw her.

Shayna and Jesse stopped after a few moments when they realized Carm had gotten stuck behind. They both follow his gaze carefully to see what he was so fixed on, like a trance.

“Holy fuuuck!!! Holy fuck how did I get this lucky!! She’s here? She’s here still?!” Shana asked excitedly, “oh my god- you’re getting laid- tonight” she excitedly skips up to the cabin and Syd looks up, locking eyes with her before seeing Carmen just a few paces behind. “I’m Shayna! Do you and Carm wanna hang out with us tonight?”

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡

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