#w: suicidal thoughts

[onedoornet]

ding dong! check out soph's new piece

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꒰ 𝐀𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐒 𝐑𝐎𝐋𝐋 ꒱ 김동현

summary : you had just woken up from a bad dream, but your boyfriend was there to comfort you in your time of need

genre : angst, hurt-comfort, fluff, leehan x gn!reader tws : angst, mentions of neglect, alluded ptsd, mentions of emotional abuse, emetophobia, suicidal ideations/death, depression, alluded panic/anxiety disoders, language author notes : this has nothing to do with personal experiences, i swear (i need a leehan in my life) word count : 1.1k

“hey,” you felt a gentle stir, delicate hands rolling you over to be pressed against his warmth—when all you felt was cold and empty.

you blinked away the sleep, your eyes stinging slightly. “are you okay?” he asked, thumbs coming up to brush under your upper cheeks. “you were crying.”

you were foggy—not knowing the difference between reality and the inside of your brain—still half asleep. you’d never felt more neglected within your own head. the dreams you had, had caused actual tears to flow from your eyes. and the worst part, it wasn’t even a scene you could scratch off as being untrue… because it’s happened to you. it was your history that replayed throughout the night.

memories of your parents being hurtful. memories of them not caring about your feelings. memories of them being emotionally abusive, and dismissing to your tears. memories that caused you to resent them. memories that kept you from feeling normal. memories you’d rather forget.

you thought you’d gotten over it…

and, maybe at one time, you had. but regression was a natural thing you couldn’t escape. you can’t always have good days (or dreams, for that matter).

sometimes they caused you to get into your own headspace, and when triggered, panic. you weren’t a stranger to falling victim to thoughts you were molded to have, but they never hurt any less. and, you guess, time isn’t always a healer, like people say it is.

you sniffled, finding solace in what you knew was true; what was right in front of you. leehan. the boyfriend who vowed to take care of you in your time of need. the kind soul who didn’t get scared and run away when he saw you hyperventilating on the bathroom floor. the man who stepped into your life and shut the door behind him. the rock who kept you grounded when you felt light headed. the arms that kept you comforted when you felt unwanted. the love that never left you, even when you’d argue. the stars that he took from the sky, and put into your eyes, to remind you of how bright you are to him. the words that reminded you that you deserved someone as perfect as him, when you remembered being told that you were never good enough.

he was everything you needed, and everything you (at one point) wished you could be.

“i’m okay," you repeated comforting words he’d told you before. "it was just a dream.” yet, your heart hurt, and your stomach turned, and you couldn’t help thinking about them still, though you tried not to.

you tried to will your faucet to turn off, you tried everything to get the tears to stop falling. but, what was comforting, was knowing that his smooth fingers were always there to wipe them away… for however long it took.

“yeah?” he asked, lips coming down over your face, kissing various parts; under each eye, your nose and forehead, until lastly your lips. “it might’ve been just a dream, but i can see that it hurts.” he whispered. “what was it about?”

“i-i,” he stayed silent, ready to listen while letting you take your time. he pulled your head into the crook between his shoulder and neck, putting you to rest. his arms caged you against his body, chest to chest; pressure to stop you from panicking. he could feel your beating heart as you tried to speak—as he tried to comfort you the way you started to gradually let him. “it was them.”

you alluded the reason, but he needed no further context. he knew. he always knows.

he once stayed up all night researching and reading people’s stories on depression and panic disorders; he could tell you all about the chemical imbalances and what synapsis misfire in the brain now. he once stayed up all night watching you sleep, jumping at any sudden (or-not-so) movements; he could recount every time your breath hitched, and eyebrows came together that night. he once stayed up all night to understand something he’s never experienced—to better understand you.

your tears started to run faster, and at one point he had almost gotten emotional too. he hated to see you hurt, because he knew how special you really were. he hated to see you try and undo the coding your parents had programmed you with as you grew up. but, despite that, he knew he’d always be the one to hold you tight, and remind you that you didn’t have to contort yourself to fit into his world—you were his world.

the good, bad, and exceptionally ugly.

he loved you as the snot coated your bottom lip. he loved you as you drooled in your sleep. he loved you when you swayed with the music in your headphones, doing miscellaneous tasks. he loved you when you’d smile so wide it made your cheeks hurt. he loved you when you’d wretch over the toilet, your hair in his hands. he loved you when you were curled up on the shower floor, crying your eyes out. he loved you when you’d talk about nothing, and everything, all at once. and, he wished he could take away every bad memory, replace them, and make you feel like you deserved to be on this planet.

nonetheless, he’d spend his whole life reminding you—of that, he was more than sure.

his heart beat for you; you were his twin flame that burned blindingly bright. you were his red string and olive theory. you were his other half. you were his soulmate that he was lucky the stars aligned for.

he was lucky to have you, and he’ll be damned if you ever thought anything else.

he’d never let you be alone again. he’d never let you stand at the edge of the cliff by yourself. he’d never let you jump. he’d never let anything take you away from him—and if it ever came down to it, he’d proudly hold your hand and topple over the edge with you.

it was you and him until the end of time, and then whatever came after that.

“don’t ever forget,” he mumbled, pulling you closer to him. he’d let you cry into his shoulder the entire night, until your eyes were red and puffy, until you finally had enough. no matter how many of his shirts you soaked through with tears and snot. no matter how much it broke his heart, because he knows deep-down it heals yours just a little bit more. “i love you.”

and, he’d never stop saying it. even after you two were buried in a stone garden together, cold and rotten. a pile of nothingness. he’d still love you like it was the first time; blood, teeth, bones and all.

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[impyssadobsessions]

DPXDC Jr Squad (im sure you will come up with a better name)

DPXDC Prompt

Amanda Waller frees Phantom from GIW(Guys in White/ Ghost investigation Ward )- however he has to work for her. Since the suicide squad she had her eye on recreating another team- one of dangerous teens who are in a need of… guidance.

She wants to put Phantom in "charge" due to his record. Danny doesn't like having a leash around his neck but after months of putting up with the GIW, he'll play nice. But he will have his freedom one day.

And soon his new teammates who disrespect him at first for being a "hero"- become protective of him for the same reason.

[yeehawpim]

sometimes caring feels like a contradiction but let's wake up tomorrow to unread messages together

[silusvesuius]

nnnnnnnnnnnnno maa'am

[beneathsilverstars]

um do you think before siffrin joined orbquest they maybe didn't care that much about the curse. like maybe they'll get caught in it maybe they won't. it's whatever.

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

Thinking about parenthood in rusty lake and how whether it is a blessing or a curse doesn't matter because it is always, Always haunting

[skuffypaw]

stupid

[killugon-truther]

i’m genuinely so tired of the absolute lack of media literacy (and common sense, honestly) from the ppl who say/genuinely believe that gon doesn’t have any insecurities, mental issues, or stuff like that.

i’ve literally heard someone say he doesn’t have the same insecurities as killua, or that his aren’t “as bad” as killua’s, which also isn’t true.

some ppl seem to believe that killua is the only (or more) “mentally ill” one in this duo, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. dare i say that killugon wouldn’t have even become friends and so deeply bonded the way they did if gon were completely mentally stable or “normal” in the first place. 💀 who else was gonna match killua’s freak?

plus, u seriously think a kid who is completely and genuinely mentally stable and “fine” would have had the breakdown that gon did in chimera ant arc? the entire point was that all of his insecurities and his pent-up/prior/current trauma and anger and pain and all of that were absolutely BREAKING him from the inside out.

plus, genuine question, what the fuck abt gon screams “mentally stable” to you?? 😭 the kid literally attempts suicide and/or harms himself (sometimes intentionally and even when it isn’t intentional, he’s still very reckless/careless w his own safety and life) fairly often just to reach his goal, bc if he can’t reach his goal of meeting ging, if he can’t prove himself to the man who abandoned him as a baby and if he can’t be strong and good enough, then he isn’t even worth being alive.

… and some of you rly believe this kid is okay?? 💀 you must have literally watched this show w ur eyes closed.

[theriverbeyond]

thinking about Cam in BOE custody and holding so tightly onto Palamades' bones before she even knew for sure he was really in there, through BOE torture and electric shocks and Judith & Crown's... everything and how she didn't talk for weeks. "Cam was gone". hollowed out and gutted and razed to the fucking ground by grief. and she was grieving Palamades, of course, but how much of that grief was also for Dulcie, who Cam found out was dead maybe fifteen seconds after Palamades himself exploded?

im thinking about how she and Pal and Dulcie had been exchanging letters for over 10 years and Cam had saved every one. EVERY single one. sharing your whole life your whole self with two people that you love and then suddenly you're alone. two parts of her gone, one of them she didn't even notice until it was too late. she didn't notice. grief and guilt and destruction. she never got to say goodbye to either of them. what the fuck.

[fuckblast]

If I ever did kill myself it would be by walking into the ocean. Seems peaceful. Wouldn't be. There'd be a ton of struggling and gasping and panic at the end. That's what suicide is like, really, from what I've heard from survivors. Part of what keeps me from it, also I've always been too small to hang myself and acutely aware that logistics dictate so.

[loopdile]

transcription under the cut!

The worst ship chart ever.

Ship name: Loopdile

[insert very tiny math] Ages: 43 and 31? Age difference: 8?

Portrait of Odile with an eyebrow raised saying "I'm not telling." Name: Odile. Gender: trans woman (maybe nb but idrc rn). Sexuality: Aro lesbian.

Portrait of Loop with a finger raised saying "I'm not telling~" Name: Loop. Gender: Nonbinary (??? what is identity). Sexuality: Ace bi

General sliders. "Relationship starts quickly vs the slowest burn you can possibly imagine" is marked fairly close to slowly and trails off towards slow burn. "They'll be together forever vs They'll break up after 2 months tops" has two marks, one at 2 months and one really close to forever. "Cute couple vs dear god they're ugly" is marked a quarter slider away from cute. "Reasonably healthy and normal relationship vs They're dying and getting killed and hurt man" has a wide mark all the way from the halfway point to a quarter away from healthy. "Extremely popular ship vs literally no one ships this but me" is marked fairly close to no one.

Specific sliders. "Giddy and happy to be in love vs they just killed themselves 40 times in their head at the idea of being in love" has loop at died and odile fairly close to died. "The madoka vs the homura" has loop at homura and odile a third of the slider away. "Telling anyone who will listen about their partner vs rarely brings up that they're in a relationship" has loop a quarter away from telling anyone and odile fairly close to rarely. "eats and/or encourages a healthy diet vs eats dry instant noodles only" has loop at noodles and odile a third away from healthy. "crazy ass vs truck freak" has loop at crazy ass and odile fairly close to truck freak.

Tell me why your ship is interesting... go!

What draws them together? Odile is the only motherfucker that can handle them; Loop is weird and intriguing.

What stands in the way? Poor communication skills; Loop is clingy but Odile often needs space; Loop lashes out and self-isolates.

What are their good traits? They're both hilarious and dedicated to the bit; they're both devoted to their loved ones.

What makes them hopeless at romance? Odile is aro-spec and uninterested in romance; Loop both hates/fears and craves romance; Luckily they can just be something stranger!

Describe them with one trope: found family, deadpan x emotional, secret third thing, I'll protect you from yourself.

[toxooz]

Feel free to not answer this if its too invasive but what do you do for work? how do you manage your time to still create such awesome things while working? sorry if this comes off as weird I just want to find a way to work while still having time for my art

hoo boi ok i went into the job field hellbent on getting a more heavy duty job like welding and just do art as i please and preserve my passion for it so i dont get burnt out from an art job, but bröther ive realized the hard way my body just don't have the energy to balance working my ever sweatin ass off all day and Also have the energy to draw. I used to have a factory job building coolers but the management went to pure shit, all my good coworkers got fired or quit, and i was beginning to not trust myself holding a framing gun sOOO as of rn i '''technically''' don't have a job, my patreons payin the bills (and then some praise the lorTTTT) rn plus i got that mural gig that came at the most perfect time but im currently perfecting my craft at tattooing so i can get into that field eventually 🤙 i worked my ass off and drew my ass off for a while but my lack of energy made me crash and burn so i may not be the person to give advice on that AHHAAaa

[dogboner]

personal growth is crazy because it seems like nothing has changed until you're crying because you don't want to die. you learn something about yourself that ten years ago would have actually killed you, and now you're thinking about what you can do to heal and make peace with it. nothing may have changed to you, but to the person you were however long ago, you are the "it gets better"

[imperfectnothing]

SPECIMEN LOG: 027819 (TW: mentions of self harm)

(T̷̪̝̉h̴͙̭̑e̸̟͐͒ŗ̵̲̊ę̵̩͊ ̷̭̲̑â̷̠͜r̸͉̾̑͜é̶̙́n̸̦̂'̴͇́̕ͅt̵͉͆ ̵̥͂͘ê̶̱̤͌n̸͒͑͜ǫ̵̭͑̕u̷̖͠g̴͉̈̏h̷͖̰͒ ̸̛̥͌͜w̵̺̻̾͋ó̷̬̝̕ȑ̶̨̘͋ď̶̗̘ṣ̴͆̅ ̸̨̺̀̓o̶̞̭͂u̸̞͛̿t̶̙̬̚ ̶͇̺͆̀t̷̼̭̏͠h̴̺̼͠e̶̡͈̔̅r̸͍̐ę̷̱͌͒ ̸͈͝t̴̺͐̚ơ̵͍͠ ̴̪̒̕s̵̖͔̃̄i̶̭̥̓n̶̩͘g̶̗̱͋ ̷͔̱̽o̵̹͝f̵̨̭̑ ̴̻͌l̷͇͒̒o̴̮̐v̴̢͉̈e̶̫̰̅.)

🦋

Fate has always been a cruel mistress; this has never been up for debate.

New life blooming from the abyss, peony petals unfurling like an eye opening, eyelashes fluttering, something beautiful born from something so desolate and broken. Paper rose where the heart should be within the chest, hidden away like a precious thing, ribs shuddering with every exhale of breath, bones rattling together in a hollow kind of harmony. Rib-cage gilded and gold, redundancy finding some use after all, it's better to have a backup if the first flight fails, crashing out of the sky in a sickening crack of smoke.

If Yumi could describe the truth of the lengths that Asahi has gone to rescue her sorry, undeserving self, it would be bringing color to a world formerly confined solely to the greyscale. An angel alighting upon the earth and cupping Yumi's face as if it was to be cherished, something worth keeping. Delicate white eyelashes fanning out over pale cheeks, snow clouding the sunrise. So soft, kisses pressed to lips shocked ajar, a gentleness undeserved on this wretched soul, salvation that she has done nothing to earn and yet she will not refuse it, could not refuse the love given so willingly.

Origami crane sitting upon the swing within a golden birdcage, fiction imitating life. Yumi wonders if Jae intended this, when he taught her how to fold paper into craft, turning the mundane into the beautiful and delicate, so easily destroyed. She wonders if he was merely giving her something to do with her hands, restless in her desire to cut, to destroy. She wonders if he knew about the thin, deep cuts lining her arms like a tally, counting the days she lived past her expiration date.

Yumi wonders if Nene would be proud that she's made it this far. She wonders if Nene would want her to win, to triumph again over the whispers that haunt her every movement, her every moment, or if Nene would want her to fall so artlessly to the ground, bleeding from a bullet wound, finally brought to heel. Yumi wonders if Nene would even care at all, finally reunited with all of those people she missed so much in heaven. She wonders if Nene would reach out to her, catch her when she fell, kiss her on the forehead like she used to.

"-mi! Yumi," Innamorati calls out to her, smile bright in the dim of the backstage hallway. His eyes mirror her own, now, caustic ultramarine and unflinching gold. He takes her hand in his own, stroking his thumb across her knuckles unconsciously. "Are you alright?" He asks, tilting his head slightly to the side, his eyebrows drawn together, crease appearing in the middle of them.

Briefly, she considers telling him the truth. Letting all of her secrets spill from her lips in confession, pulling open her chest and showing her imitation of a beating, bleeding heart that thrums there like an omen. She closes her eyes and huffs a laugh out her nose, smiling slightly and looking back to him, meeting his eyes and the twisted mirror there.

"I'm alright," she lies. The warbling beat of her heartbeat in her ears taunts her, with every word she digs her grave deeper. "Just worried about Asahi, you know?" Inna laughs, nervous and forced.

"Oh, yeah, but I wouldn't worry too much!" He reassures her, ruffling her hair with his free hand, the creases around his eyes false.

"You're afraid of going up against Toki," she says, stating it as the fact that it is. His face pales slightly and he waves her off, smiling wider, more strained.

"No, no, I'm fine!"

"Don't leave anything left unsaid, before you go up there," Yumi whispers to him, squeezing his hand. He stares at her, struck with fear, a deer in headlights. "You have time to figure out what you need to tell him but don't wait until it's too late. Only one of you survives this." He watches her for a long moment before nodding.

"I know," he squeezes her hand in return. "I love you, Yumi."

"I love you, too, Innamorati." She pulls him into a hug, clutching him tightly even as he goes stiff in her arms, only relaxing and hugging her back after a moment of surprise. She presses her face into his chest and tries to hold back the tears budding in her eyes the best that she can. One of her only living friends and this is the last time she's going to see him, even she can't help but cry.

"Knock 'em out up there!" He tells her, pumping a fist in the air before darting off into the maze of corridors, disappearing into the murky darkness. She sucks in a deep breath, turning to face the stairway that leads up to the stage. Steeling herself and setting her shoulders, she takes her first step into the final act of her life.

Today, I will go to see you as well / Then I'll sit beneath the shade of a tree / And let out a sigh

The flowers have stopped blooming / I will go to see you again tomorrow

Okie dokie. Pre-Round Three log finished (looks down at my hands in fear) alright. oh man. anyways uhhh tagging all of the people whose characters are mentionedd . .. @alien-til-i-stage for innamorati, @kofeedoggo for jae!! @apriciticreveries for asahi <3 @shenenenigans for nene and oh uh @verdantlights for toki :3

love y'all <3

[stardustdiiving]

How evil is arlecchino and what is she cooking

As of 4.2, I’m really curious what they’re planning with Arlecchino as a character, especially as a villain/antagonist/morally dubious character, and how far/which direction they may go with that

Intuitively my impression is we’ll see her do something way more “villainous” than she presents herself as being for majority of Fontaine’s AQ in front of us right—(which isn’t a surprise given that, you know, Arlecchino nor the House of Hearth have never been presented as 110% ethical LOL) but I find myself not being in complete agreement with most analysis or speculation threads I see about Arlecchino’s morality and the like, level of sinister people seem to ascribe to her.

Idk how to put it, especially in regards to her children I do agree they are not a wholesome found family, that Arlecchino is not above pulling strings or using them for her own ulterior motives, but I kind of hesitate on the idea she only cares about the Hearth children as a means to the end/things she can control and there’s nothing else going on with her characterization wise there. I’m not saying that impression seems remotely unreasonable or unfounded, but just that it feels there’s something intentionally missing in how we are supposed to conceptualize her as a person

My main reasoning for this hunch is the fact they have not elaborated on Arlecchino and the previous Knave—who Arlecchino is stated to have taken over the position from by force. The extra tidbits I think about are that 1) Arlecchino was previously an orphan in the Hearth 2) the previous Knave is described as way, way crueler to the children of than Heart than Arlecchino was from when she took control of the House

Often, people’s major indicators that the House of the Hearth is kind of super fucked up are the NPCs we meet in world quests who are part of it and clearly suffering. But one thing I haven’t ever seen people mention w this that i think is a very interesting detail is, in The Very Special Fortune Slip Inazuma worldquest, where we stop this House of Hearth guy (Efim Snezhevich) from manufacturing tension between Watasumi/the Shogunate to restart the war with his other Hearth subordinates, at the end of the quest we get this dialogue that reveals he had been acting under the previous Knave’s directives:

It’s also mentioned he’s employing this plan in an attempt to “rebuild the prestige of the Knave” following Signora’s death, iirc? Now, see, the dialogue itself says that this is “assuming our captive is telling the truth” so who knows what’s really going on, but I find this a really odd/interesting thing to highlight. I’m a bit fuzzy on other world quests with Hearth members, and am not saying none of them were acting and subsequently being treated poorly by our Arlecchino, but like, this gives me a lot of questions especially when paired with implications this previous Knave seemed to be way worse

Like, what drove Arlecchino to take over? How unexpected and controversial was this within the House? Assuming the above information is all true it definitely says something this guy went rogue and acted on what the previous Knave would want and didn’t think our Arlecchino would greenlight it, which does feel consistent with the previous Knave being described as basically worse & crueler than our Arlecchino. It also makes me question how much house of hearth things we’ve seen outside the main story are the work of our Arlecchino or if there’s a bigger divide of loyalty. Heck, I could be wrong but it doesn’t even seem like we know if the previous Knave is dead or not

This isn’t me saying Arlecchino couldn’t possibly be treating hearth children worse than she wants us to know, especially ones who aren’t her “favorites” the way the fontaine trio seem to be, but I really don’t feel sure about making a solid conclusion of her exact level of malice the way ppl r generally understanding it rn when it feels there’s going to be more about her. Just the idea of she, as a Hearth child, clashed with the previous leader who was known for being cruel, overtook their position and took on less harsh methods of leading that made at least some members with more power/possible closer proximity to the previous Knave go rogue and try to commit atrocities in the previous Knave’s name…I feel this leaves a lot of room to suggest there’s more going on with how Arlecchino is as a person

I don’t mind if she’s just very evil and deceptive bc if she totally had me fall for thinking she was less evil than she actually was that’s fun tbh. But I feel people suggest that’s all her character could be with no degree of like, “sympatheticness” or deep grey morality and that if her character did go there it would be automatically poor writing and genshin walking back on making a truly evil woman when IDK. I feel you can claim at this point they have left it open ended and it’s never been completely confirmed she’s pure evil. Also sometimes I just get a hunch and feel cautiously confident in Genshin executing certain characters well. Not all characters, just certain ones. Especially given Fontaine’s character writing being very good and a character like Lyney feeling very solid to me when any development with Arlecchino would likely involve him and his siblings as well, I honestly feel open to the idea of Arlecchino being satisfyingly written to be both villainous/morally dubious but “sympathetic/likable as a person” in ways outside of just her ruthlessness if that makes sense

If I’m wrong/they drop the ball with it more than I anticipate I’ll eat my hat but I am pretty excited about her character and which way they decide to go with it. I will say the only potential impression I have of where they’ll go with her has been wondering if it will go in a “cycles of abuse” direction—I’d be surprised if they ever elaborated on Arlecchino’s character especially in how she feels about things and her also growing up as an exploited child of the hearth wasn’t relevant

[oldmanpusspuss]

it would be really funny if The Universe was trying repeatedly to tell paul that he likes men but he's always too busy to worry about that rn