#very very happy with the result of this and I had such a good time with this collaboration!!! :)
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CAN SOMEONE HELP
Tw seizure
You and Leah had been living together over the last few weeks as you have just recently moved to Arsenal from munic so knowing Georgia reckoned it was a good idea a you can't live alone.
Leah has been amazing company and you had grown very close in such a small time. The girls had immediately starting taking notice of this and soon enough you and leha had too. She asked you out on a date to a roof top picnic at night and it was perfect we walked home with pizza and watch a movie.
Today we had one of our freinds wedding whos very close to the team so as a result we are all invited. It's in this historical magical looking castle grounds where streamers and strung and music is thriving after about 4 hours of speaches, the best part of weddings (not) we finally were on the dance floor all half cut. I'm not ment to drink as I take tablets but after backlash of me and leahs relationship and theories from fans as we still haven't even made it public I needed this drink well drinks (I'm quite far in)
"Ynnnn, Heyy gurllll" an equally drunk Katie McCabe comes up to me ushering me to dance with her which my drunken self happy accepted as me and the girl danced I started to feel a bit...off?
I recongnised the felling even though my drunken self drunk phased head I now this feeling. I ripped myself awy from the group to see Leah just at the side with alessia as they grabbed some wine.
"Leah" I said desperate as u grabbed her arms not even caring how I shoved between alessia as they were talking about some random stuff.
"Leah I need....leave we...not here" you words started to slur as you got weaker"Leah I should have said before, I'm sorry please." "Leah please don't be mad" you say as you fall into leahs chest her arms wrapping around you.
Leahs pov
Yn stumble toward me she was drunk yes, but this isn't her drunk stumble she takes a hold of me between alessia I wrap my arms round her back her words are slurring. I don't think this is alcohol. I know she doesn't slur when drunk I know that after the first team get together her and Katie ahd a drink off but that's for a diffrent time cause with in seconds she was dead weight against my chest as I held her.
"SHIT, less help , can someone help me" I had carried her and ran to a room to the side alessia following on the phone to paramedics as soon as I laid her down she started shaking. Violently. Her jaw clenched, arms straight by her side and all over convulsing. Alessia was saying stuff I didn't know what I was sat on my knees next to her as she was making noises and I stroked her hair back.
"Leah move please I know what to do " less ushered her away handing her the phone as the paramedics spoke to her through the phone. She put yn on her side wiping some spit away from her mouth and cheek. She lied her head so she could breathe a bit better clearing up some of the noises.
Yn pov
There were voices, they were telling me stuff saying everything's ok. I open my eyes I'm on my side on the floor everything hurts. I've had a siezure. I blink I blurring my vision to see Leah at my head she's talking calmly
"It's ok we're going to lay there for a bit ok?" She said more of a stamens but made it sound like a question. Tears trickle down my cheek to me ear and she turns more concerned.
"I'm sorry, please I'm- I should have told you le- I'm sorry" I apologise holdin her hand
"Yn it's ok we found the medical band on your ankle it's ok, I'm here when ever you need you can teach me what to do and when ever you need I'll be there"
You sit into her lap for a while in silence as tiredness takes over. Leah carries you to bed in the hotel and settles in next to you.
She rubs your back as you softly breathe next to her. She wish you would have told her, she didn't want you to feel like you couldn't. But she's here now and she knows so she will learn and she will help you when ever
#arsenal women#woso#woso fanfics#woso imagine#woso one shot#woso x reader#alessia russo#arsenal wfc#england football#katie mccabe#leah williamson#beth mead
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Two Good Reasons, Part 9
Summary: the one with Audrey's birthday
Pairings: Andy Barber X Reader
Rating: mature and emotional
Warnings: Scott Huffman, language, depictions of anaphylactic shock, mentions of divorce, 18+ ONLY
Word Count: 7.7K
Previous
Series Masterlist
*dividers created by @firefly-graphics
“Ugh,” you groan, tossing another pair of pants on the bed before stomping into the closet. Frustratingly roaming through your clothes. You’re pissed off. No, you’re in a very irritable mood because things have already not gone your way.
First thing this morning it was Scott asking for you to pick the kids up an hour earlier. Which is fine, but he could have said something last night. Hell, he could have just brought them by the house and let them stay here, so you could have a lazy day with them. In their home. Comfortable. But no! He wanted to be a difficult little bitch.
And then it was the sudden urge to pee. And pee again, but that time almost not making it. Then you burned the bacon and now your house smells like shit. And then! Then your newly painted fingernails — one broke. You just wanted a lazy good morning. And Now too many pants are not buttoning. And you’re frustrated, irritable, and in a not great mood.
Happiness is making you gain weight, and you really didn’t want to buy more clothes. But you wanted to remain happy. And in love. And, “What are you looking at?” Your words come out a bit harsher than you intended, and you regret the tone immediately, “I’m sorry.”
“Doe, what’s wrong?” You point over towards the bed, and Andy gives it an odd look. “You’re getting rid of some very nice jeans?”
“No,” you frown as you just reach for some fucking leggings. You weren’t going to try on and fail to button another pair. Not in front of Mr. Perfect Body. Good lord, his body is magnificent. Especially when it’s moving inside yours. You hadn’t gained that much weight. You’re probably just bloated. It’s all water weight. “We’re eating out too much.”
“Once a week?”
“We’re — we’re just — ugh! When I’m happy I tend to cook and bake more, and the result is the jeans not being able to button. So starting today, I’m not going to be snacking as much. And no matter what you say, I won’t be getting one more bite of cake,” that is that. Little changes could make the biggest difference.
“I don’t think…”
“Andy Barber, I know I’m getting older, and my metabolism isn't as quick as it used to be, so I don’t need to hear your excuses,” you bend over to roll the leggings up your legs. It’s fine. You feel fine. You didn’t even care because Andy didn’t seem to mind, and you are so very happy. Leggings and an oversized sweatshirt sound like heaven on a day like today.
“That’s not what I was going to say. I just think you should…”
“We’re going to add some more volume foods. I’ve just got to stop with the extra slice of bread,” he shakes his head no as he smiles and walks towards you, “And I’m going to quit napping so much. I want us to go on a walk every day with the kids. We can take the stroller if they get tired. But I need more movement in my life. If you can go swimming every morning, then I can walk every evening, but I don’t want to walk alone.”
“Honey,” Andy holds his hand over your mouth, using his piercing blue eyes to stare at you in the most intense way that it almost makes you uncomfortable. “Can I speak?” you nod your head once, and Andy exhales slowly, “Will you take a pregnancy test for me?”
You shake your head while rolling your eyes, “Why?” His hand drops off your mouth, and you try and find the words to tell him it's just an impossibility, and not what either of you should be thinking about right now. You need a house to make a home. You wanted out of this house, and divorced before ever truly thinking about pregnancy. At least when you’re not in the moment of getting your back blown out. Andy had that ability. He starts fucking into you, and you want him him to fuck a baby in you.
“Because the likelihood of me ever carrying a child naturally is very slim to none and we’re just not ready for that.”
“Why not?” How is he so good? He’s not even arguing. He is having a conversation, and trying to understand.
“Because I’m still legally Mrs. Scott Huffman,” you retch. Why did you ever marry that buffoon? The only good thing he ever did for you was give you the most beautiful children. “And I want our own home.”
“And I have watched my cum leak out of you before I’m fingering back inside of you. It’s not a lack of trying. And look at the pants,” your eyes flare as you stare at him. “I’m just saying, what if you’re pregnant?”
“I’m not. I’ve had two kids already, I would know,” he nods his head, figuring that you are right because you were the expert in this situation. “And I just,” could your mood swings be pregnancy? You haven’t had a proper period since splitting with Scott. Stress always makes your cycle wonky. “No. Okay, I’m just not. It’s fine. I want to drink more water, I want to walk as a family, I want to change my diet, and I’ll be just fine, okay?”
“Honey, you’re right,” you gawk at him. Did he just admit to knowing you’ve gained weight? “I would like to start walking as a family, too. We always talk with the kids when we get home anyways, so why not talk and walk.”
“Good save, Andrew.”
“Wasn’t trying to save anything, Doe. I’m being honest,” you’re sure he was just trying to ease you off a ledge of emotions that you weren’t ready to dive into. You’re trying to keep your head above the water until the divorce. Until the custody hearing, and you know that you get more time with the kids than Scott does. You want them with you. Scott wants them with him as leverage. Sick bastard.
“Mama!” Suede rushes to your arms as you walk into the apartment. The apartment that isn’t baby proof at all since Taylor moved in. Ooh, you wonder how many times she’s had to tell Suede no, or hands off. Aesthetically everything here is very pleasing, and all of her Instagram followers agree. So much white. Perfect color for a toddler around.
Suede clings to your body, burying his face in your chest. He isn't scared, but you know the separation from you just sets him on edge. This divorce is causing so much unnecessary mental trauma for your children. But staying with Scott would have caused more. In order to have happy children, you need to be happy, “Did you guys have fun? Oh.”
Taylor finally makes her way into the living room with a giant box of Christmas decorations. You know because the box is very aptly labeled as such in the most perfect script writing. Ms. Perfect probably did that herself. “Where’s the cat?”
She shoots you an aggravated look as she opens the box. Scott sits on the couch rolling his eyes, but remains glued to whatever game is on television. Audrey’s bathroom break is taking a bit longer than usual. “She is at my mom’s since Suede has a little issue with her,” the stupid bitch rolls her eyes again, and you’re biting your tongue to remain centered and calm. Pickups and drop offs have started to upset your daughter’s stomach, so you remain cordial for her.
“Yeah, it sucks that cat dander just really makes breathing difficult for him,” he looks towards the box, and oohs at the ornaments that Taylor pulls out of there. Little boys always want things they shouldn’t have, and telling them no makes them want it more. She’s a fucking idiot.
“No!” Not only do you take a step back, and hold Suede tighter, but you also make the most annoyed face in the world, Andy steps in front of you. His natural role of protector queuing up, “No, I told you that you don’t touch my things,” you shoot a glance towards Scott, wondering if he really thought that ‘her things’ were appropriate around your kids. Scott can fuck off. They weren’t his kids. They were a product of his sperm.
“I have had to deal with him all weekend. I tried decorating their room, and he just wants to help, and he puts the ornaments in the wrong space. And I went in there, and he messed it up again.”
“Well, he is two,” you shrug. You take back every nice thing you ever said about Taylor, she’s a bitch, and number two on your eat shit list. “The tree in their playroom at home was there for them to mess up, or hide the ornaments as they pleased. They’re kids. Nothing is perfect with them around.”
“Yeah, and it looks like shit,” her voice is clipped, and you wonder if she’s ever used that tone with your sweet boy. Over something stupid, and it wasn’t perfect for her.
“Taylor, enough,” she huffs before spinning on her heels and stomping out of the room. You’ve seen your daughter do that a few times, and she’s almost five. “God, you see what you did. She’s been fighting with Suede all weekend.”
“Fighting with a two year old?” Andy asks before you can even respond. That was a perfect response. He’s just as protective of them as he is of you.
“She’s trying to make things look nice for the holidays. It’s a nice change compared to your need to wait until after Thanksgiving,” deep breath in. Deep breath out. You will kill him one day. “And don’t make a big deal out of this. Suede had a good time, didn’t you, buddy?” Suede shrugs, and keeps his face buried in your chest. But his hand slowly moves up to your cheek where his cute little hand starts to pet you. A slow and painful death will take Scott out of this world.
“I really don’t want a fight. But I do need to tell you that we’re taking the kids to Michigan for Thanksgiving,” that’s one way to tell him.
“Over my dead body. You don’t get to tell me where you’re taking them. I have to approve. Suede can’t handle a flight. How are you going to keep him occupied?” Suede can’t handle a flight. What would he even know what Suede could handle?
“My parents haven’t seen their grandchildren in a year. They miss them, and the kids miss them.”
Scott gives you an eat shit grin. You’re glad that Andy lets you deal with him as much as possible, choosing the best possible time to jump in, “Like he even remembers your parents,” a very slow and painful death.
You laugh, “They FaceTime the kids every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. Buddy, you want to go get your backpack? Make sure your iPad is in there, okay?”
“Chess,” he walks wide, staying out of his father’s grasp, but of course Scott doesn’t see that. Doesn’t see the odd quirks Suede has in order to avoid him.
“The damn iPads. Why are you spending so much money on them? That’s not what my support is for,” what is the best way to get away with murder?
“It was actually my assistant district attorney that bought those for them. Ransom is quite fond of the kids, and I’m sure it’ll help Audi practice her courtroom homework.”
Scott blinks slowly twice, and you step in front of Andy only for him to cross back in front of you, “Do you have a problem with how I raise my daughter? Mine. I had to fuck her mom for her. That’s right, I fucked your girlfriend. They will never be yours.”
“Mommy?” Everyone turns towards Audrey. Her tears shimmer in the light as she looks only at you. Her lip quivers a moment, and you know you have just a few seconds to get her out of the audience of others before she starts to cry uncontrollably, “Mommy, my belly doesn’t feel good.”
“Come on, baby. Let’s get yours and Suedey’s things and go home,” Scott starts to say something, and you point your finger at him, shaking your head, “That’s enough,” and he doesn’t want to, but he keeps his fucking mouth shut.
“I’m getting a bit tired of you, Barber,” Andy cocks an eyebrow up. He isn’t going to say a word. You asked him not to when you left with Audrey and Suede. “She is a goddamn genius, and she needs to start now! She’s got an interview with the best school in the district, and I need her prepared.”
“They don’t usually test kindergarteners on how many people are in the jury box, Scotty.”
“You really are a prick, you know that?” Andy shrugs, keeping his sight more down the hall where the kids’ room was. If he looks at Scott, the control he’s proud to keep in check will diminish, and he won’t do anything to jeopardize your custody, “Just remember who…”
“I got it, your sperm made the kids. You won’t ever let me live that one down, and I’m man enough to not let it bother me. But can I give you some advice?”
“Parental advice from someone who isn’t a parent. This should be excellent,” Andy wonders what you ever saw in this tiny little man. Surely he wasn’t always this much of an asshole.
Scott leans back, and smiles up at Andy. Andy never turns his attention to Scott. He just wants to see you emerge from the hall with the kids, “I may not be the reason those kids are here, but I pay attention. I know that Audi gets an upset stomach when she knows that you and her mom are going to be around each other. She’s internalizing her anxiety. I know that Suede when he sees his mom he just wants to hold onto her, and he doesn’t even want to look at you. Doesn’t care much to spend any time with me when they reunite, it’s all about his mom. You may not be physically harming your kids, but the mental distraught you’re causing them will have lasting effects. Your soon to be ex-wife is being too kind to you, and only because she thinks that it will make the transition with her kids easier. I think both you and Taylor know that. I think Taylor’s care for those kids is dwindling. She’s becoming what she should be, a kid that is solely focused on herself. She’s using your money to give her some sort of fulfillment. She plays the role of a good step mom only to her instagram followers, and to her parents, but deep down they resent you because you have children, you're legally still married, and you’re so older than her.”
“Get out of my fucking house.”
Andy slowly blinks, and nods, “That’s my goal,” ignoring Scott, he heads down the hallway. He gives Audrey the biggest smile before the little girl rushes into his arms. “You ready to go, mademoiselle?”
“Yes,” looking at her mom, she giggles. “Are you?”
“I am,” picking up Suede, you follow Andy out of the bedroom, and Scott clears his throat. You just want to get back home, so you can cuddle and love on your babies. It looks like they need extra attention.
“I want to speak to her privately,” Andy slightly shakes his head no, but you hand Suede over to him. And wait until the door to the apartment closes before you cross your arms, and jut your hip out, “I don’t want your boyfriend back here.”
“You don’t get to make those calls. Is that all?”
“You’re making a mistake,” of all the stupid nonsensical things he could say. “I am trying to be kind to you.”
“Kind? What about you is trying to be kind? Saying that I won’t lose my baby weight? Saying I’m used up, and old? Maybe it’s the cruelty you show our children? Or maybe it’s because our court hearing is soon, and you’re scared shitless? I bet that’s what it is,” of course it’s what it is. After the hearing he knows that he won’t be able to hold things over your head. In fact, he probably knows how much you have against him, and his precious Taylor.
“You let him raise our children,” you scoff. He really didn’t want to go there with you. Of course Andy is raising the kids, but he’s doing so with you as his partner. Just how it’s intended to be, “I don’t know what it is you want me to do.”
“I don’t know what it is you want me to do. Andy is a good man. Andy is present in my kids’ lives. He comes home to us every night. He helps around the house, he spends time with them, he is a good role model. And he’s a great man. What is your deal with Andy?”
“He’s a cocky asshole,” Scott had no room to talk. Andy was confident. Scott was arrogant.
“I figured the two of you would get along then,” he rolls his eyes, starting to stand up and walk towards the kitchen. “Is the real problem that I moved on?”
“I thought you would always be there for me,” he’s joking. This fool is seriously joking. How does one move on from seeing the babysitter bounce on top of your husband’s cock, and one you didn’t even particularly like? “Did you think I actually wanted to be here in this small apartment away from my family? I made a mistake, and you won’t give me any time to plead for forgiveness. You moved on to the fucking DA. You knew what you were doing, and it was just to piss me off. We were going to — I’m pissed off because I thought we would eventually work things out,” you hear a bedroom door slam shut before Taylor stomps out of the apartment, and slams the front door. “See what you did?”
“This has been an exhilarating conversation, Scott. But you did that. I had no intentions of getting back with you, nor you me. If you could admit that you did what you did because you thought you would get away with it, and you thought we’d get back together, and you could have your perfect family, while fucking the perfect body, we’d be better off. I don’t want you. I think it’s been many years since I have wanted you. And that is the only thing I’ll ever apologize to you for. I hung on for too long for our kids, but the man that I have always wanted, I now have. Send us the details to Audi’s party, and go fix your girlfriend if you want to keep her.”
“Can you stop calling her that?” You furrow your brows, not fully understanding what he was getting at. “Her name is Audrey. Suede’s name is Suede. Not Suedey, not buddy. Quit babying them,” okay. You need to leave before you say something you truly regret. He wasn’t going to tell you what you should or should not call your children. “I don’t want them to be in Michigan for the holiday.”
“What are you doing for Thanksgiving?” he obviously had something planned with them if he didn’t want you and Andy to take them to see your parents.
Scott looks in the distance, refusing to answer, mumbling something before, “I’m taking Taylor to Cancun,” he’s serious. He wants you to stay here while he takes his trophy girlfriend to Cancun. You hope all the men there can’t stop staring at Taylor who is always seeking validation from other men. You hope Scott feels as little as he makes you feel.
“And we’re going back to my parents’, Scott. Have a good day,” he can groan and complain all he wants to. If he can take his pretty little girlfriend on vacation, you’re going back to Michigan, and spending time with your family. You would almost have reconsidered, if he was going to be here. If he wanted to spend time with the kids, you would have stayed behind. He wasn’t going to bully you. He wasn’t going to tell you what your kids could do, or what Suede was capable of.
You’ll give him a backpack with plenty of snacks and toys, and Scott Huffman could fuck off. You’re not sure what has come over you concerning him, but you’re done. You don’t care about his feelings or Taylor’s. You don’t care to make sure if they’re comfortable. You just didn’t care.
You huff as you get into the car, and bend your hand backwards for Audrey to hold. Andy doesn’t say anything, he just puts the car into drive. You let your mind wander a bit. Not even about Scott, you didn’t care anymore. You wander to a moment when you, Andy, and your kids didn’t have to deal with that anymore. A moment where you will wake up and everyone you love is under the same roof always. It may be a dream in the future, but you have no doubt that eventually Scott will give you full custody. He truly was using your babies as leverage, and that pisses you off more than the fact he thought shoving his cock in some young whore could ever be forgivable.
But with a gentle squeeze from Audrey, you remember that all the pain of seeing him with Taylor was worth it. You don’t care how long he was sleeping with Taylor. You don’t care if he had any feelings for her then or even now. The only thing you remotely cared about is if your children saw them being romantic in any capacity. Scott and Taylor could eat rocks for all you cared. You just hope your children never saw them fucking.
Your mind focuses on the road in front of you, and you look over to Andy confused. “Where are we going? This isn’t the way home,” this is the complete opposite of home, and Andy’s smile guarantees he’s up to something. “Andy!”
Audrey giggles in the background. Her chubby little hand removes from yours, and she covers her mouth, while Suede grabs both his now shoeless feet as he smiles at you, “Ho, NaNa.”
“Did my baby just call you a ho, Andy Barber?”
“No,” the speed of the car gets slower as he turns onto a small road. “He said, home,” your heart beats rapidly as you see a beautiful house come into view, surrounded by so much land. All this space, and you gasp as you look at him. “Well, we all have to agree,” Andy puts the car into park. Holding up his hand, he lets a single key on a key ring dangle from his finger. “Shall we go look at it?”
Your mouth spreads into the widest grin as you nod your head. Jumping out of the car to get Audrey out of her seat, and Andy grabs Suede. Holding onto your shoeless monster, while everyone runs to the front door squealing. “It’s a bit large. But Linda Drysdale found it. It’s not officially been listed, but the asking price is just too good. There is enough for Suede and Audrey to have their own room, and then — some. Full size and finished basement for a play area, and,” opening up the door he sets Suede down, and both kids dart past you screaming as they run through a mostly empty house. “The master bedroom is phenomenal. There’s a great pantry. Garage. We’d be secluded, so the kids can have space to play and have swings.”
He keeps talking, but you’re just taking everything in. It’s perfect. Right down to the color scheme. It’s almost textbook the house that you and Andy talked about getting when you were silly kids in love looking through Pinterest. The space. The way that your kids are just giggling and laughing. The way that this actually feels like home. More of a home than whatever you and Scott attempted to make.
“Doe?” You spin around to face Andy, but he’s lower on the floor. Audrey leans up against him, while Suede is standing in between his arms, and your ring up in Andy’s hand. It wasn’t just a normal ring. It was the ring. The one that you and him jokingly went shopping for when he was eighteen and you were seventeen. A ring you knew he could never afford, but it was fun to pretend. It still was the perfect ring, and even prettier than you remembered.
“Honey, will you marry me?”
“Chess, mama!”
“Mommy, say yes! Andy asked for permission.”
Oh god. He asked your babies for their permission. This ridiculous man remembered everything. All of it. He is too perfect with your babies surrounding him. Letting them be just as much a part of this proposal as him. Because they are always in the equation. He thought of everything. “Mommy!”
“Yes. Yes!” You drop down to your knees with him. Crowding Suede and Audrey as you try to find his lips. Sealing everything with a kiss. “Give me two good reasons.”
“I can start with three,” Andy whispers against your lips. “Audrey, Suede, and you,” he’s too precious for words. Sometimes it isn’t about the time lost that made the difference, it’s the time now. You spent too many years trying to recreate Andy. But in those years away from him you both did some growing up. But the thing that remained was a true undying love for this man, and your family.
“Mama, we ho!”
“Yes, buddy. We’re home,” you can’t even see properly with the tears that cloud your eyes. First a home. A place to set down your roots. Your forever home with Andy. And then what he’s promised since you were seventeen. That he was going to marry you.
“Mommy! I want the bedroom with the princess window.”
“Me, too. Me oom!” Both kids spring towards the stairs again.
“Don’t run, guys,” Andy says calmly, and they immediately walk instead. They listen to him so well, “Shall we check out the rooms they picked out?”
“Andy, this is too much.”
“No, it’s priced to sell. Linda got us a great deal, and your name will be on the deed as well. If you love this house as much as me and the kids, it’s ours. What do you say?”
You look down to your left hand smiling. It was a stupid morning made right with the most perfect thing you could think of. “Let’s check out our new home,” you answer. Pulling at your fiancé’s arm as you walk towards the stairs. “What about the inspection?”
“Everything is perfect. There’s a little bit more that needs to be done in the basement. But other than that, it’s fully functional. Wires, plumbing, electricity, they all are perfect. After you, my love. I think Audrey and Suede have found their rooms. And there’s plenty more to grow,” plenty more to grow. You like the sound of that.
“What is all this shit?” Audrey’s smile fades quickly as she looks at her father, and Taylor drops her hand. “She’s five years old, it isn’t even that big of a deal,” Taylor marches into the kitchen laying another bag onto the counter, “Audrey, go in the bedroom, and take a nap with Suede. It took him forever to go to sleep.”
“I don’t take naps.”
“Audrey!”
Frowning Audrey stomps her food, “I didn’t even want a birthday party anyways!” Before stomping off into her shared bedroom with Suede, and Scott grabs his head growling. Her outbursts need to stop. They are getting out of control because he can’t give her whatever she wants like you and Andy.
”She was excited about today, and you had to open your big mouth! These are the goody bags that you said you liked. So this is what I ordered,” her movements in the kitchen are harsh, and loud, and it grates on Scott’s everlasting nerves. First his daughter’s temper tantrum, and now her.
“You’ve been in such a pissy mood ever since…”
“I heard you tell your wife that you wanted to get back together,” Taylor interrupts. She knows he’s going to have some line that differs from what she knew. What she actually heard him say. It hurt her. Especially since Scott wasn’t even the perfect catch himself. He had baggage for one. But he was amazing in bed. And then the allowance started.
She didn’t want to be a mom. Every other weekend is fine. But he claims to want more time. She knows he doesn’t want more time with his kids. It’s his need for power. A power she sometimes feeds off of. She used to feed off it all the time. His power was addicting. The men her age didn’t have that. They didn’t have the money or smarts either.
“You weren’t supposed to hear that,” because that makes her feel better. When the kids aren’t here he’s a different man. They stressed him out because they couldn’t be controlled. Especially not Suede. When he’s awake he is nonstop moving and playing. Always asking questions you couldn’t understand, always getting in your face, always needing attention, always needing help to go to the bathroom. Everything that Scott wasn’t willing to give because it wasn’t his job.
It’s not her fucking job either. They’re his kids. And while they’re cute, it’s annoying that he didn’t want to help at all. She didn’t even know if she wanted kids. She had no desire to remove her IUD, or even tell him about it. Making a mistake on something she felt was more temporary isn’t part of her plan. Not that any of this was. He was cute, and he gave her attention, and that’s as far as her vision went.
“That’s not really how I feel,” it is just easier to ignore Scott’s words. He’d always talk himself into a corner anyways. “She just infuriates me so much. You don’t see the way she prances around with her new boy toy.”
“Fiancé,” she tells him, continuing to move about just so she doesn’t have to look at him.
“Excuse me?” The vitriol in his voice pisses her off. He had no right to be pissed off that she was engaged. Taylor would fuck Andy, too, if given the chance.
“Do you ever listen to your kids?” Scott shrugs. Of course he didn't listen to them, why should he? Usually they were someone else’s problem. And as of late they were her problem, and she couldn’t even do the fun things with Audrey because Suede had to be there, and he was limited. Scott didn’t like having Suede alone either. But today. Audrey was going to have the best birthday. She doesn’t know why his mom couldn’t have withheld him from the party for a couple of hours. She would be selfish like that. Audrey deserves to have the best party without the limitations her brother’s allergies set.
It’s the reason why she wanted their mom to be there so hopefully Suede would beg to go home, like he always did. And she could play dress up with Audrey. Maybe get manis and pedis. She likes Audrey. Suede she didn’t connect with, and she’s sure he doesn’t much care for her either. “Suede and Audrey both told you they got engaged. Audrey even said they’re moving into a new house.”
“What?” His jaw unhooks, and she knows that he has been emasculated again by Andy. “What do you mean they got a new house?”
“NaNa mama ho,” Taylor answers, annoyed, and Scott shakes his head confused, “Andy bought his mama a home. And Audrey clarified it by saying she has a room with lots of windows, and it’s her princess room.”
“Audrey doesn’t like princesses. Audrey likes the law. She lives in reality.”
“OH MY GOD!” Taylor screams agitated. “She’s a child. She is just five years old. Audrey’s likes to do what other normal five year olds do, and that includes princesses.”
“Audrey!” Taylor rolls her eyes, and starts to pack up the things from the house. Her and Audrey can go to the event center early to set up, and Scott can bring Suede later. She’s already annoyed at him. “Audrey Elise Huffman, come here right now!”
Pompous asshole. Audrey comes into the room, now wearing her Madeline dress and Mary Janes that her mom bought for her for the party. The hat in her hand, and her right foot fiddles around a bit, while she struggles to not grimace at her father. “You guys moved?”
“No. No, not yet,” Scott doesn’t see, but Suede lingers in the hallway. Probably peeing on himself since he won’t ask to go to the bathroom. “Um, Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…”
“Breathe, Audi,” Taylor says softly, and the little girl takes a deep breath, but her father asserts his authority by putting his hands on his hips. “Go on.”
“We take some things there everyday. But we still sleep at home. D-Andy had someone paint my pri — my room,” of course she would change what she called her room. She’s in front of her father. But she told Taylor that her bedroom was a soft pink.
“What’s your favorite thing to play?” Scott asks, thinking he’s going to trick her.
“Bocks.”
“Suede, I wasn’t talking to you,” Audrey furrows her brow, and holds out a hand for her brother, but he growls, and turns to go back where he came from. Taylor knows that none of those kids apart from their last name belong to Scott. “Audrey?”
“I like to draw. And do adding,” Taylor wonders if Scott ever took the time to look at Audrey’s sketch books to see in between every drawing of a courtroom was unicorns, or mushrooms with faces. “Are Andy and Mommy coming today?”
“Chess. Andy, mama. Me ho!” He makes a bunch of loud noises in his bedroom, and Taylor bites her tongue because that means she has another mess to clean.
“Ugh,” Scott groans. He needs a nap. “Yeah, Suede get dressed,” a two year old get dressed by himself. Yeah, Taylor already sees where this is going, and walks away from Scott and to the kids room to get Suede dressed. Accessories are all they are to him. If she were to be asked, she’d tell the court that their mom deserved them. One day with the kids was enough for Taylor, but even their father couldn’t stand to truly be around them for more than an hour. It’s why he always left. Or why he made an excuse to be in his office. Why he came home late. She’s biding her time until after she goes on vacation. She never could have afforded it alone.
“They rented this for a five year old?” Ransom asks. It was a bit ostentatious for a child’s birthday party. I’m sure that Taylor’s Instagram will look fabulous today.
“They had to have the space for the bounce houses,” Ransom looks in the backseat at you. Sweet angel child, this is how Scott would have your children grow up, lacking a sense of child wonderment. “They’re these blow up things, and you can bounce and hop on them. Andy, I did get Suede’s inhaler, right?”
“Yep,” he could exert so much energy on those things, you hope that he was breathing okay. Or even that the adults were paying attention to how his lungs are working. “Doe, we’re not that late. You said you didn’t want to intrude on their birthday party.”
Being late didn’t even bother you. The less time you spend around him the better off you are, “I just can’t help but,” you didn’t want to say it, but something felt off. There’s a sinking feeling in your gut, and you’re trying to ignore it. But it is screaming. Blaring inside of your heart. “Andy, something’s wrong.”
He shakes his head no, but the moment the car is in the spot, you jump out of the car. Trying to remain calm, but your skin is crawling. Every hair on your body is prickled up, and all you hear is laughing and music. Your chest heaves as you walk towards the entrance, with Andy and Ransom jogging on your heels.
Going in the building you scan everywhere. Your smiling girl gives you a wave from one of the bounce houses, but no Suede. There is too much noise. Too many people. Too many kids. Too much going on. Scott sits with a group of men, and Taylor’s bouncing around like an idiot on the slide with the group of men watching her. Pigs. Everyone is accounted for. But…
”Andy, where’s Suede?” He goes off one way, while Ransom goes another, and you walk into the belly of the too many people like a wild woman. Your head whips back and forth as the bad feeling festers deeper in your bones. You want to vomit. Where’s your baby?
This isn’t right. There’s something wrong. He stays with Audrey, and none of those kids were him. Who were all these fucking kids? Who were all these men? Your throat is so dry. Fear doesn’t creep up, it swallows you whole. Taking every last bit of breath from your body. You didn’t see him. Couldn’t hear him. He always sees you first.
“Suede!” Nononononononononono. “Suedey! Baby, no!” The roar of the event center changes as you scoop up your baby from the floor. “Fucking macarons. There’s eggs in here. Oh my god. Andy! Oh my god, he’s not breathing!”
You can’t even hold your hand steady as you try to get the EpiPen out of your bag. “He’s not breathing. No no no,” the color of his skin is all wrong, and tinged purple. How long has he been here? My god you hate them. Hate both of them. You asked for one fucking thing.
You jab the pen into his leg, and open up his mouth. Scooping out the bit of cookie he couldn’t swallow. “Suedey, baby, mommy’s here. Come on, baby,” Ransom is already on the phone with 911, and you can’t focus on anything but the blurry baby in your arms. Your tears stain your cheeks, and make it impossible to see properly, “Suede! Suede, mommy needs you to take a breath.”
He’s so cold. He is too small, and doesn’t seem right. This is supposed to be a fun day. It could have been. Keep allergens away from Suede. That’s how you prevent this. “Suede, buddy, breathe for mommy,” holding a hand over his chest, you can’t think, you just do, and lay him on the floor to breathe for him.
“Mommy!” You want to comfort her, but you can’t. Suede needs oxygen. You took his allergies seriously, and learned everything there was to know in case of an emergency. “Mommy, he’s not dying,” Ransom scoops Audrey up in his arms, walking away with her kicking and screaming. He knows you don’t have time to deal with her comfort right now.
There are times you have to pick and choose your children, and right now Suede wasn’t conscious. Beat by beat. Pressure by pressure, you keep filling his lungs with oxygen, while you press onto his chest. Sounds that a mother should never experience inhabit your body as his chest cracks, but you just want air to move into his body.
“Come on, baby. Mommy loves you and she needs you,” come on. Take a breath. You need to see that he is capable. You can’t give up hope. It may be the swelling of his throat constricting his breathing. But the EpiPen will do what it needs to do. You have faith. He is okay.
It isn’t a breath as much as it is a gurgled cry, but it’s enough to see his skin starting to change back. “There you go, baby,” his blood shot eyes open up, and he stares at you so confused, and hurting. “Hey, Suedey. Mommy’s here. I’m right here, baby.”
He moves his mouth with no sound coming out, but you don’t care. He’s alert enough to see you. He looks around at everyone crowding him, but he’s back to you in a second. You pet along his face, crying and smiling, unable to focus or breathe yourself. Exhaustion overcomes you, but your baby is breathing.
“You son of a bitch!” You can’t even process that Andy is screaming, you just see this sweet little boy who is so scared and confused. “One fucking thing! She asked you one goddamn thing and that was that he could have everything here! That was it. You and your child of a girlfriend are deadbeats. You could have killed him!”
“Hey, baby,” you coo at him. Keeping him focused on you and not the fight that’s ensuing behind you.
“Mama,” his voice hurts so much, but it’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard. “Mama,” he’s okay. He’s not perfectly fine, but he’s okay.
”I know buddy. We have to wait for the ambulance. You and mommy are going on a ride.”
“My daddy,” his eyes circle around, looking for his father.
“He’s,” a piece of shit. He will never have your son with him alone ever again. You didn’t care if he ever saw Suede ever again. He didn’t deserve his son. His son meant nothing to him. He allowed those stupid cookies here, and couldn’t keep an eye on him.
“NaNa my daddy,” you wipe the tears and snot off your face. Andy can be his daddy. Scott didn’t deserve it. “My daddy NaNa.”
“Andy,” your voice is a croak, and he won’t hear it over his berating of Scott, but you didn’t have the energy to even try. “Andy.”
“You’re a sorry piece of shit, Scott, and you’re fucking idiot,” he defeatedly says as he walks over to you. “Suedey, buddy, you scared us,” this took ten years off of your life.
“Daddy. My daddy,” Andy looks over towards you, and you just nod your head. “Tong.”
“Yes, buddy, you’re so strong. Those sirens are for you. I’m going to check on Audi, okay?”
“Otay,” his little hand tries to give him a thumbs up, and Andy kisses your temple. He gives Suede a thumbs up back, as he stands up, ready to get Audrey.
“I’ll — you want me to bring Audi to the hospital?” No. She’s traumatized enough as it is. “Ransom said he can take her to his grandpa’s for a few hours.”
“Okay,” it’s the bad thing about not having friends here. But Ransom is a start. Didn’t hesitate to do what needed to be done. He took care of it all, while a part of you died inside. You have no feelings towards Scott, he’s dead to you. You struggled to ask for sole custody, but you aren’t struggling anymore.
You hear him saying your name, but ignore him. You are numb to him. That man has done the worst things to you, but purposefully being negligent to your child is unforgivable.
“He’s had an EpiPen?” You nod your head to the paramedic, and Suede squeezes your hand a bit tighter. “You ready to go for a ride? We’re going to make sure everything is okay.”
“Me tong,” Suede whispers out, and you finally smile.
“You’re the strongest little buddy I know,” and he is. You’ve never seen a two year old be as resilient as him. The way he is trying to smile despite whatever his little body is screaming. You know he’s in pain. Know that he’s hurting so bad, but he’s okay. Scott says your name again, and you don’t even look.
“Ma’am, is that your husband?”
“No, I’m not married. I’m engaged to…”
“My daddy. Mine,” Suede taps his chest, and you want to hold him and squeeze him. It might be a long way in the distance, but it is something Andy has hinted at. He’d adopt your kids. It’d be a process, but it’d get Scott out of child support. It would take the responsibility off his shoulders, and Andy would take it all. You don’t want a conversation. You want Scott to disappear, and let you and your kids move on with a man that loves and enjoys all of you.
They lift Suede up on the gurney, and he reaches for your hand, looking more scared now than before. “They’re not taking you from me, baby.”
“Doe, I’ll meet you at the hospital, honey,” you collapse in Andy’s embrace. Trying to absorb his strength before you get into the ambulance with Suede.
“My daddy,” you step up into the ambulance with him.
“Yeah, buddy, I’m your daddy,” Suede smiles at Andy before the doors are closed. And Andy walks towards the car.
“Barber!”
“Scott, how long was he out?” Scott shakes his head. The bastard didn’t even know. “I’m going to say this as nice as I know how, but you’re a sorry piece of shit. You didn’t care about Suede, and that proves it! You let that girl bring fucking eggs in the party, and you as the parent didn’t watch to see if he was getting into it. Do you believe he has allergies now? My fiance had to breathe life back into her baby! She saved our son’s life.”
“He’s my son!”
“By blood. That’s all you have. He’s my son by choice. His choice and mine. Suede could have died, and you’re too busy trying to have a pissing contest with me. I’m going to the hospital to comfort my fiance and son, and we’re going to pick up my daughter, and we’re going to go home,” Scott growls, showing more emotion with the mention of Audrey being Andy’s daughter than Suede’s.
“You’re an insufferable asshole that plays favorites. Don’t call. Don’t text. We’ll see you in court,” Andy slings his door open before he gets in. He meant what he said. That was it. Andy would make sure that the law was thrown at Scott. Because of his negligence Suede nearly lost his life. He’s finished playing nice. Fuck Scott Huffman.
Today, Andy Barber is a father.
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Masterlist
Taglist: @tis-thedamn-season @marveloustaylortot @pono-pura-vida @peaches1958 @seitmai
@smile1318 @andydrysdalerogers @cjand10 @midnightramyeoncravings @kmc1989
@pandaxnienke @kmm-fluv @rogersbarber @theinheriteddutchess @buckybarnesisdaddy @hisredheadedgoddess28
#two good reasons#andy barber#andy barber x reader#andy barber x fem!reader#andy barber x female reader#andy barber x y/n#andy barber x you#andy barber fic#andy barber fanfic#andy barber fanfiction#andy barber fanfics#andy barber fics#defending jacob#chris evans#chris evans character#TW: divorce#TW: anaphylactic shock
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With how dominant Ferrari seemed in Austin, you assumed you'd be seeing mostly red for three weeks.
You were very happy to be proven wrong.
Part 6 of One of the Boys
Warnings: smut, threesome, multiple threesomes in fact, six different partners in one fic whew, voyeurism?, brief double penetration, EIFFEL TOWER WITH THE FRENCH MEN Y'ALL, Pierre's canonically massive shlong, oral, shower sex, gaping and also Max having a weird kink at the end idk where that came from
The triple header was intense. In more ways than one.
COTA made you sore.
Well more accurately, Charles and Carlos made you sore after getting a Ferrari 1-2.
They decided to celebrate their success as teammates given that they didn't get such good results very often at the moment.
So they took turns with you.
Imagine getting passed around by your partners while they compete to see who can fuck you better and make you come harder.
They wrote their names on your thighs and put tally marks next to them every time they came inside you, until you were absolutely covered in tally marks and fucked out of your mind.
It was mind numbing, and when they finally let you sleep, the sun was almost up and you had flights to catch.
Luckily all three of you had booked a spot in the same private jet, along with a few other drivers.
Needless to say, they decided to continue the festivities on the jet, much to everyone else' displeasure.
Mexico was looking pretty good once again for Ferrari, but Charles backed out of the celebrations because, and I quote “he had stuff to do”, which left you to the mercy of Carlos and Lando.
The other drivers were hungover, and moody because of the noises coming from the private room at the back where you were getting your already abused cunt stretched by the two cocks that had beat them all in the race.
And mercy is one thing those two did not have.
When they got together it was chaos at the best of times.
But that night they bent you into shapes you didn't know you could manage.
Your favourite part was when they were standing and holding you up.
Carlos held you up by your thighs, keeping them spread with your back to his chest while he buried himself in your ass.
At first Lando was down on his knees, lapping at your drooling cunt while Carlos' balls slapped against his chin every time he thrust into you.
But once he'd quenched his thirst he stood up and slid into your tight heat, the pressure against your walls making you see stars as they bounced you on their cocks.
It was just as exhausting as the week before, the two of them obviously having unreal stamina.
Practice was fine. Sprint quali was… well it was.
You limped around that week, taking it easy and doing your best to recover for Brazil.
Then the sprint happened. It was chaotic and everyone was exhausted given the circumstances, and the hours of waiting under the rain for qualifying to start was not helping the collective mood.
Everyone went to bed equal parts frustrated and relieved that It was happening in the morning.
Qualifying came and went.
The race? Well it was anyone's game really.
No comment.
You bit your nails anxiously as you watched everyone slide off the track and/or crash. Not a single driver was safe from the disastrous track conditions.
Max came to see you during the last red flag.
“I'm going to get that fucking win” he said, holding you in his arms possessively. “I'm going to win this fucking race and then I'll get you all to myself tonight”
“Now now, Max.” you chided “you still have an Alpine to get past, and although I’m sure you will, if Pierre and Esteban both end up on the podium, I am definitely going to give them a reward”
Max scowled, and tried to argue, but you managed to convince him by promising that if he could be a good boy and watch silently, you’d give him his own private reward afterwards.
Besides… your body, your choice. And your boys always respected that.
Well, Max winning the race was a shock to most people, given where he started, but not to you. You knew he would do anything to get what he wanted.
And what he wanted was you.
That much was obvious the moment you opened your door and found him standing there, ready to pounce on you.
“Patience, Max. Let the Frenchmen have their turn” you smirked and led him over to his cuck chair.
You didn’t wait long for the others to arrive, they were just as eager as Max to get things rolling.
Pierre led you to the bed, sitting you down on it while he unbuckled his belt, eager to have your mouth on him.
You salivated at the sight of his cock, of which the rumours couldn't do justice.
You sucked on his tip gently, taking more of him every time his hips bucked involuntarily.
“I've always wanted to know what you'd look like with your mouth around my cock. And fuck- you're amazing”
He tipped his head back in pleasure as he got closer to the edge surprisingly quickly.
Esteban was behind him, slowly getting undressed while smirking at Max, who was still waiting patiently in the chair, with an obvious tent in his pants.
You were pulled off Pierre's cock by Este' hand in your hair and you heaved in a breath of air.
Pierre helped undress you and got you on all fours between them.
“Have you ever been to Paris?” Pierre whispered from behind while he was draped over your body, and Esteban chuckled.
You let out a huff as he inserted two fingers inside your embarrassingly wet cunt.
“If that's a joke about the Eiffel tower, don't bother Pierre, I've heard it all before”
Pierre added a third finger before responding.
“Then let me tell you that we will not go easy on you…”
His thick digits were stroking the deepest parts of you, and you could feel yourself slowly losing the ability to speak.
Before long, Pierre was rubbing himself against you and you squirmed as he brushed over your still slightly sore clit.
When he pushed the tip in you knew you were a goner.
It was already stretching you out and he barely had an inch inside you.
Slowly he fit his entire length inside you and stayed like that as he felt your walls pulsing around him.
“Jesus” you choked out “You're so deep…”
Pierre chuckled evilly and rolled his hips as you shuddered with the pleasure of the intense stretch.
Esteban brought your chin up to look at him and he rubbed his tip over your lips, the taste of his precum hitting your senses and you moaned, opening your mouth so he could slide his own cock in.
Contrary to Pierre's words from before, they were being extremely gentle with you. Esteban was careful not to choke you and Pierre's languid thrusts were slow and deliberate, and were driving you utterly insane with need.
As your orgasm crept up on you, you started rocking back and forth between the two Frenchmen, whining desperately as your body started shaking.
“Look at you.. so desperate for cock” Esteban cooed while he stroked your cheek tenderly.
“I can feel you clenching around me baby, I know you're close, you can let go for me” Pierre said and you did just that, creaming around him while his thrusts got sloppier and sloppier as he approached his own orgasm.
Max was not having a good time.
Well, that's half a lie, he was scowling angrily at the others, but his hand was squeezing his cock through his pants, which were becoming unbearably tight at the moment.
He’d never seen Esteban or Pierre in action, but he had to admit you looked very good between them, and they were obviously very good at reading your body despite having had little to no experience with you.
Pierre slid out of you gently and the sound was obscene as your abused cunt struggled to keep him inside.
He fisted his cock hard and fast over you, staring at your twitching hole with an intensity that made butterflies erupt in your stomach.
“My god, I really stretched you out, you’re gaping” he groaned, and came in spurts all over your thighs and puffy, quivering mess of a cunt.
Esteban came in your mouth shortly after, cursing in French and muttering something about your mouth being absolute heaven.
Pierre dragged a couple of fingers through the mess, and brought them to your lips, which you eagerly parted to suck on the mix of his and your cum.
“Fucking hell… such a good girl” he glanced over at Max “I could do this all night… but I think Max might actually kill us if we stay much longer”
You glanced at the man in the corner, and he indeed looked like he wanted nothing more than to kick the other two out.
You giggled at him softly and beckoned him over while Pierre and Esteban got dressed.
He sat next to you, putting a warm hand on your thigh and asked if you were alright.
“Absolutely” you winked at the two men behind him then pulled Max in for a heated kiss.
“I don’t know about you, but I need a shower now. Join me?” you asked cheekily, getting up to give the Frenchmen a goodbye kiss each, while they ogled your naked body.
“Beautiful as always” Esteban smiled and Pierre rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, she’s a goddess, now let’s go before we get our necks broken”
You laughed as they walked over to the door, sending you flying kisses before disappearing through it.
Within a second of it being shut, Max’s body pressed against yours from behind.
“Why don’t I help you clean up, hmm?”
You turned around in his arms and grinned up at him.
“With pleasure”
What followed was possibly the softest sex you’d ever had.
Max lathered you up, washing all the cum and sweat off your body before turning you around against the glass door and pressing you against it.
“I need you so bad, schat” he groaned as you spread your legs and arched your back towards him.
“Then have me Max, I’m all yours”
He moaned as he slipped inside you with barely any resistance.
“Fuck! Pierre was right, you’re so loose…”
Despite all the negative connotations around being loose down there, Max seemed to find it incredibly hot as he whined into the back of your neck.
He thrusted in and out of you slowly as his hips shook with the effort of holding himself back from pounding into you with all his might. The last thing he wanted was to hurt you.
“I’m not- fuck, I’m not going to last long schat… this is so…”
He didn’t finish his sentence, instead using his remaining brain power to slide a hand down your body to circle your clit with mind blowing precision.
“Max, fuck-” you panted, the angle of his hips making his cock rub against that spot that left you breathless every single time. He knew your body like none of the other drivers ever could.
You both came together, panting against the glass and moaning as he filled you up to the brim, only for his cum to leak out of you immediately with how stretched out you were.
Max tried pushing it back in with his fingers but he groaned when he realised he could slip four of them inside easily.
“Give me a minute and I can go again, my god…” he sounded out of breath.
“Maaax…” you huffed “I don’t think I can come again after that”
He laughed and pulled his hand away “I know sweetheart, I was joking” he kissed the back of your neck sweetly before turning the water off and getting out to grab a towel for you.
You both dried off quickly and slipped into bed, curled up in each other’s arms contentedly.
Neither of you said much, until you were half unconscious and Max muttered the most unhinged sentence ever.
“Do you think next time I win, I could try getting my whole fist inside you?”
“Jesus Christ Max! You need to warn me before you say things like that” you gasped as you slapped his chest lightly.
“You didn’t answer my question” he reiterated once you’d settled back down in his arms.
You sighed.
“Go to sleep, Max. We can discuss your next prize if and when you win again”
Max huffed out a laugh and tightened his hold around your body.
“Brat”
#my thots#max thots#pierre thots#esteban thots#max verstappen smut#pierre gasly smut#esteban ocon smut#max verstappen#pierre gasly#esteban ocon#f1#formula 1#lando norris#charles leclerc#carlos sainz
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Joke's (Sad) Face
This post is about Joke's face.
But it's not about his actual face.
It's about his Joker face.
While Joke was surrounded by Jack's blue at the hospital, I just couldn't stop thinking about how pretty War is.
Which is why it's so tragic that his character, Joke, spends so much time being sad.
He has been sad since the very beginning and has remained in this state throughout the series.
Which is probably why he created the red Joker moniker.
A joker is a trickster. A joker is similar to a jester. A joker should be happy.
But Joke is anything but happy and his sadness began when he was child who couldn't cope with academic stress, so he began to use the sad face.
Then a kid he never met fixed his frown and turned it upside down. Jack made him smile.
And years later, at a bar late at night, that kid would make Joke smile again.
By simply sitting with him.
Joke was sad about his life, and Jack told him that it was okay.
Then he told him to smile.
Because like I believe, War Joke is so beautiful when he smiles.
Jack, with his blue (spray bottle), has been wiping Joke's sadness away for years, even without knowing it.
And as Joke returned to his childhood home to all the sticky notes marked with red sad faces, he believed he would never be as happy as he was with Jack again.
The time Joke spends with Jack is the happiest of his life because Jack makes Joke happy, which is why Joke got the smiley face tattoo.
Because Jack was a truly happy kid when they first met, and gave that happiness to Joke.
But things change.
Joke's other tattoo is of a dual smiling face and sad face, and when Joke approached Jack after five years, he said he wanted to bring back the old Jack. After that encounter, Jack asked his grandmother if he had changed to which she responded that he couldn't stay a kid forever.
Jack let Joke escape in the fashion event. Jack was blamed for the necklace being stolen, yet showed up to the hotel to help Joke. Jack put himself in the way during the fight to keep Joke safe. Jack always turns the worst situations around and has sacrificed parts of himself as a result.
So Jack is darker now. He is no longer blue. He is black. He can't be Joke's source of happiness when he is struggling to find the good in life himself, so while Joke is in the hospital surrounded by Jack's blue with family and friends, Jack sits alone wearing a red shirt with one tiny lamp to give him warmth.
Jack has his grandmother, who blends both his and Joke's colors, but she's all Jack has ever had, and now she cares for Joke just as much as she loves Jack.
And this is a point Aran made in the very beginning and Hope repeated this episode — Jack, just like Save, doesn't really much. He doesn't have options. Joke does. Jack had to do what he had to do to survive and keep his grandmother safe, but Joke gets to return home to a family and a room that has been kept spotless. Jack doesn't. Well, not if he doesn't fight for it.
And that's what hurts. Jack has to fight for everything. So even though Joke has done a lot for Jack, Jack has done just as much for Joke. He gave Joke a place to stay, food to eat, friends, family, and happiness when Joke had nothing to give and nowhere to go. Jack himself has nothing, yet still gave Joke everything he has had to fight for, including his limited happiness and even the last bits of his color.
So it's important that the episode showed Joke not only giving Jack his color, but also his happiness. Joke has finally turned his sad face into a happy face, on his own.
Joke is depressed, and for so long, because of that, he believed that he couldn't be a source of happiness. Yet on this journey, he has brought happiness to his friends, grandma, and countless people along the way, so here he is, not only giving his color to Toi Ting and Jack, but also his happiness.
Jack has never wanted to see Joke's sad face, which is why he gave Joke his happiness.
And now that Joke is realizing that he is happiness, hopefully Jack never will.
But they'll have to fight for it first.
#jack and joker#u steal my heart#I could never hate Jack#because he has given so much#including his color#he has turned Joke's face upside down several times#they are a balance#and if I could have more than thirty images‚ this post would have proven this#but thirty images limits what I can argue#the colors mean things#which I couldn't even get to all the colors!#color coded boys in love#BECAUSE THEY SHARE THEIR COLORS!
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HA HA HA YES
There are definitely irks I have with the show, some major (shaking my fist at the TV) some minor (eh, I would've done it like __) and I could critique quite a bit of it (mostly the writing sadly) and would be happy to do so, but this post is just a list of everything I like about the show.
First to set the stage, we have what I personally define as the Spirit of Tolkein: selflessness in the face of Evil, how virtue will overcome evil, the will to battle temptation, an emphasis on humility, wisdom and knowledge, the simple life, and strong relationships. All depicted through the beauty and wonder of the writing and the setting. (If you have a different definition.... ah, well, that's a different conversation. This is the conclusion I've come to.) Let me run through them and show how this show nails all of these. (also this is mostly spoiler free. I think. I'll try. Being vague does not come easily to me😅)
Selflessness in the face of Evil
Being selfless in the face of Evil is really important, and can be split two ways I think. A) Being selfless can be a smack back at evil in general, even if it isn't exactly an 'evil thing' you're taking action against B) Having to choose between Good and Evil and by choosing Good, is being Selfless, because often doing the Evil, selfish thing would be a lot easier and more beneficial towards you.
This is praised in the show again and again and again. Many characters have a choice presented to them: do x, the easy and good-looking thing, for their own self-interest, or do y, the harder and scarier and sacrifical thing that might hurt them but help others. And often as a smack in the face of evil. This kid is offered a change at practically unlimited power that is from an evil source, and allured by it, starts to stray down that path, realizes the consequences of his own actions, and pulls back, confesses the wrong that he did to save others. That's just one vague example, there are a dozen.
And characters who are presented with this choice and choose to be selfish, then as a byproduct or purposefully choose evil as a result, are, or will be in future seasons, punished. The one guy that encouraged this kid to choose evil and egged him on until the kid made the right desicion? He dies later.
How Virtue will overcome Evil
Virtue! One of Tolkien's biggest talking points ever! And how by being virtuous, it directly overcomes Evil, even if it seems like a small thing. Choosing peace (or righteous war, depending on the circumstance, that can be virtuous too), truth, compassion, mercy, loyalty, kindness, love, etc etc, and often when the other person doesn't deserve it, is so highly stressed. And all of these virtues and more are wielded against characters/circumstances that represent evil, and the virtue of those choices and moments overcomes the evil.
There are twenty million examples of this in the show. Big and small. You'll see it, the utter goodness is very apparent.
The Will to Battle Temptation
Frodo and the Ring is one of the most iconic depictions of battling temptation of all time, point-blank period. The show carries this on too. The temptation for this one character to succumb to wrath and rage and having to beat it back with a stick (and mostly having other characters help pull her out of it) is a very big theme in the first season especially, and it continues in other ways as well. Season Two absolutely nails this with a character getting carried away by their hubris and want to create something great, but then at the end overcomes this temptation and wins the fight, even though they technically lose. It's so well done.
Humility
*screeches* I cannot emphasize enough how much they nail humility. Every good character has it in one way or another, and every evil character is prideful. Very clear morals and message. And one character starts out pretty prideful but then as the show continues is becoming more and more humble, and I predict by Season 3 they'll have had their full character arc and settle into their 'true self' if that makes sense.
Wisdom and Knowledge
Ah yes. The seeking and having of wisdom and knowledge is highly praised and sought after. Do not even have to explain this, it's Tolkien we're talking about here lol. One of my favorite moments is when Elrond risks his and Gil-Galad's life to prevent the Library of Celebrimbor from being destroyed. The preservation of knowledge is so cruical. Because knowledge and wisdom point back to the source of knowledge and wisdom.
The Simple Life
One of the really good things about The Hobbit and Trilogy is how the Hobbit's lifestyle (while some parts of Hobbit society are teased, or their complacency is sometimes frowned upon), is that the idea of a simple, hardworking life, is greatly loved. Doing hard physical labor by growing your own food, having close relationships with your kin, and celebrating every part of life and enjoying the gifts you have are all commented on and esteemed by other characters in other societies.
This theme isn't as central to the show's plot, but it'd definitely there. Especially with the dwarves. Even though it's a grand, Second Age show and story, with a lot of BIG stuff, they do weave some of these moments in and its very sweet.
Strong Relationships
THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE. PERFECTLY DONE IN THE SHOW. BEST WRITTEN-PARTS. ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS TOLKIEN DOES EVER.
We've got sibling-like best friend relationships, a found father-son relationship, strong parent-child relationships, healthy romantic (married!!!) relationships, 'normal' best friendships, relationships full of loyalty, honor, respect, hard choices, trust, love, tenderness, I could go on and on and on. This is the strongest writing of the show. The characters all have incredible chemistry with each other, and the actors play off of each other so well, I have just died with happiness so many times getting to watch all of these character interactions and relationships come to life. I need to make more posts gushing about my favorite ones.
I am so thankful that the show is doing this, because it seems to me in mainstream media today that broken relationships are the normal and its really disheartening to see such brokeness to be celebrated. But getting to see all of these strong, amazing relationships so well written and so well played out is just... the best.
And best part? All of these strong relationships point back to Christ. Which I'm sure some, or maybe all of that, is unintentional. I'm 95% sure that the actor for Elendil, Lloyd Owens is Christian/Catholic (I can explain why later), but besides that, I don't know if anyone working on the show is Christian. But that's the thing about incredible storytelling, isn't it? Good things naturally point back to the source of good, Jesus, whether its intentional or not. And every good relationship in the show points back to Him. And in a masterful way.
All depicted through the Beauty and Wonder of the Writing and the Setting
This is the absolute best part of the show, hands down. The sets, music, costumes, setting, and just overall beauty of the show are unparalled. They are even better than the OG trilogy. I mean, look at these! (ignore the bad quality on some of these please lol)
Settings (GORGEOUS)
Costumes:
And I cannot even begin to describe to you the beauty of the music. Bear McCreary has 10000% lived up to Howard Shore's legacy and every single track in the show is fire. He's used so many cool and rare instruments and is an excellent composer! Every soundtrack theme for each place and character brings them to life so much and its amazing. And the songs that do have vocals, whether choir 'ahs' or actual words, have gorgeous singing! (Fun Fact: he also composed they Percy Jackson show soundtrack!!! The theme for the Underworld, specifically the desert scene, uses the same instrument, a duduk I believe, and it sounds so similar and so cool! [I actually realized that he was the one who did it by watching the PJ show, recognizing his composing style from RoP, then frantically Googling it to then be thrilled I was right lol])
Beauty in Tolkien is so important. This guy's descriptions of places and people are some of my favorite writing ever and the style I eagerly took inspiration from as a baby writer when I first started out. And the Peter Jackson trilogy did a really good job at capturing the physical beauty of Middle Earth! Each time I watch those movies I am filled with nostalgia and a longing for it. (*cough* human heart longing for Eden *cough*)
Rings of Power has absolutely bumped it up. Having a lot more money helps lol. They've hired incredibly gifted people to work super hard on all of this. The sets, music, costumes, items, the intricate detail of every single thing is utterly beautiful and incredible to see. Almost everything in this show is practical, they've used CGI a shockingly small amount and it shows. It is utterly gorgeous. I have just been blown away with every watch and rewatch.
Beauty points back to God. And this show points back to True Beauty in every way.
Finally, here are a few extra bits that I really like about the show that don't quite fit neatly into the categories above.
Acting and Characters
The acting! Superb! Every one of these actors deserves an award. They are I N C R E D I B L E. I need to make an entire post talking about how each of these characters is acted to perfection. The face acting some of these people have??? It's amazing! The way they carry their characters differently after different events! So so so good. I am just blown away, they all need awards.
Now. I am going to say something very controversal that many people who I've told this opinon to Do Not Like. I think it is absolutely stupid that people are discrediting the show because of its 'forced ethnic representation'. Sorry.
Yeah, in Tolkien's work, there isn't much of anything said about black elves or dwarves or Mediterranean and Middle Eastern Numenoreans and Southlanders. But that doesn't mean they aren't there. And having a diverse cast doesn't automatically make the show bad. It does the total opposite I think. Every one of these actors deserves to be here and is incredibly capable. And it is true that we do need good representation in media- and we've got to do it well.
Amazon has done this incredibly tastefully. Some movie companies (*hem hem hem* DISNEY I'M GLARING AT YOU) have just black-washed characters, called it representation, and have moved on with their day having checked all the boxes. Sometimes I think changing a character's ethnicity when doing a remake can be good, if it is done well. There has been a couple cases Disney switched things up and I thought it was good. But for the most part, its forced representation and poorly done. And nobody likes that.
But that is NOT what Rings of Power is doing. The thing about how Amazon is doing it that I utterly respect is all of their diverse and incredible characters are their own original guys. And it adds a LOT of depth to the show, and it is GOOD REPRESENTATION. If they had made Galadriel, Elrond, Celebrimbor, or another canonical white character that is white because it adds to their character and is central to the plot had been made black, I've probably would've been pretty upset. Because part of what defines Galadriel is her physical appearance. If that had changed that it would've changed her character.
But they haven't. And that's my point. They are doing the diverse representation in the way that I think all adaptation people should do it! With their original characters in a way that adds to the story and with incredible actors. Not to mention that the acting from those characters is some of the best in the show. Rings of Power is quite literally what I think should be the gold standard of representation in media, specifically adaptations.
Anyway. That's what I think. I'll die on this hill. Moving on.
Practical Stuff and Cinematography
Like I've already said, almost all of their sets were actually built and actually acted in. There are very few scenes that a green screen was used on. And it shows! Everything looks so real and so fluid beacsue it IS so real and so fluid. I love it. Sets? Real. Stunts? Real. Lighting? Real. Everything is real! To my knowledge, the only things they've used much CGI on is the monsters! And even then, they have practical frames as the bulk, and the CGI is to just smooth things over.
The practical effects in this show are some of the most amazing things ever. LOOK AT THE ORCS.
THEY USED REAL PROSTHETICS AND IT LOOKS AMAZING!!!
LOOK AT THE STUNTS THAT THEY'VE DONE!!
(Sadly I can't find many good stunt RoP gifs but just trust me on this. I have gasped so many times over what hard work these guys have done for fight scenes.)
And the way that they've used cinematography and lighting and camera angles is just... masterful. I'll have to give so many specific examples later. It's some of the best filmaking I've ever seen, they've used the budget ~wonderfully~ You get sucked into the moment and it's amazing.
Appreciating the Story
Now I'm gonna be slightly blunt. I think a lot of people hate the show because they're, for lack of a better term 'purists'. Which isn't a bad thing! Having these people in every fandom is super important! Keeps its foundation solid. I'm one of these people in many cases.
But when looking at a work where the literal purpose is to deviate from some of what Tolkein wrote, and then get angry when it isn't a word-for-word recreation is silly. In Amazon's contract with the Tolkien Estate, it was a key condition that they could NOT reproduce anything from the Silmarillion except on a case-by-case basis that had to be approved by the Estate first. They bought the rights to the Fellowship, Two Towers, Return of the King, Hobbit, and Appendices. And they agreed with the Estate to make a Second Age show. This means that they have limited material to work with. They are REQUIRED to deviate from Tolkien's original story about those early tales in many cases. So a lot of people are angry that they didn't do x, but they literally are not allowed to. They have to take creative licence with many of these storylines. And the way that so many people are ripping every single little detail about the show to threads just makes me so upset. You are getting hung-up over the tiniest things! JUST ENJOY THE STORY. If you nit-pick the death out of everything of course its gonna die. You are holding RoP to an impossible standard.
This is another reason why many people didn't like the first season so much, but love the second a lot more. Because in Season 1, they had to set the chessboard and make a lot of stuff up and change quite a bit so they could actually have room to move. Then in Season 2, we have a lot more canon stuff that we see in stuff like the appendices, which they did SO WELL. With the writing of the show, you do have to hold a lot of the canon stuff loosely because you have to. But once you let go and sit back and enjoy this new story, it is utterly fantastic, and lines up with the Spirit of Tolkien at almost every turn, which I've already shared.
Huzzah. This is why I love Rings of Power. I've probably missed a thing or two but that's pretty much all of it. Please watch it. *bows*
It annoys me to no end with so many people saying that Rings of Power isn’t ‘in the spirit of Tolkien’ when they haven’t even watched it.
Seriously? There are things I do not like about the show and wish they had done differently, but almost all of it is utterly amazing. Every person who’s worked on that project has poured so much time and effort into it, and for an incredible result.
And by the way, when you say ‘spirit of Tolkien’ what do you even mean? How are you defining that? Because that show absolutely screams Tolkien by my measurement, not to mention his literal family is working on the project personally, and it 100% measures up to Peter Jackson’s work.
And you haven’t even watched it. Just watch it and try it. You watch enough bad media already just to criticize it, why not this? You’re gonna like it more than you think.
#now if this post doesnt' convince you to try it I don't know what will lol#some people simply Do Not like it and that's fine#there legit are good reasons to not like it- but I do#but just try it please#for me <3#i'm positive you'll have the same problems with it as I do but OVERALL it is a fantastic show and the pros certainly outweigh the cons a LO#sunkissedliterarylightofchrist#rings of power#lord of the rings#also I just realized I forgot to mention redemption as part of the Spirit of Tolkien???? it TOTALLY is up there too#but I've got stuff to do and I cant edit this anymore sorry lol#trop#the rings of power#trop season 2#trop season 1#amazon rings of power#lotr#middle earth#tolkien#amazon
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PJO Future AU head-cannon stuff (some ARE taken from other peoples head-cannons bc they’re awesome):
- Will Solace would not be a medic/be in the medical field— I feel like just because he’s good at it doesn’t mean he likes it. Maybe he’d be a teacher because of his leadership skills.
- I feel like from working in the infirmary and having people close to him pass, Nico would choose a medical field job. I feel like he’d be an RN (registered nurse) or doctor and work at like an urgent care (er is too crazy for him— or maybe it wouldn’t and he’d like the chaos)
- I also feel like there’d be a not so great injury and Nico would be like “Oh let me see” then see it and be like “oh that’s really cool” not much would phase him— or it would but he’d find it fascinating
- I feel like the fact that they didn’t have these new kinds of tech when Nico was growing up also adds to his fascination. Like what do you mean x-Ray machines exist?
- I feel like Percy would do well with water jobs— like maybe he’d be a marine biologist and he’d find it fun to just communicate with the ocean life.
- Frank and Hazel would take a lot of dual credit classes or graduate early from highschool so they could focus on the camp— like they’d take online stuff so they could spend more time focusing on camp. (hope that makes sense) I’m not sure what I think their careers would be.
- Leo would own his own mechanic shop after going to trade school (saw on tiktok)
- Jason (revived) would be a professor of history— probably mythology.
- As a Valgrace shipper (dont judge pls) I think that they’d get together shortly after Jason is revived (not too short— six months after?) because they’ve been through a lot already and don’t want to risk anything again.
Now, onto kids because I don’t see these often but I find it fun to imagine:
- Frank would be a girl dad. He’s got two daughters and is just so happy with them and Hazel.
- Percy and Annabeth would have three kids, two girls and a son, in that order. I feel like Percy and Annabeth would work hard to have good relationships with their kids and finally relax. I feel like they’d be sorta protective but also be very relaxed with them- educate them about being mature and making good choices.
- I feel like Annabeth would realize how important names were and try to name her kids after popular figures in history who had good stories
- Will and Nico would probably have two kids, both adopted, but one would be one of Will’s half-siblings/half-nephews. The kid was really little, like four or five, when he got to camp and Will just kinda adopted him so he didn’t have to be full-time at camp. They also have a daughter but not until the son is like 12. She’s also adopted and is also a half-blood but I feel like they wouldn’t know who her godly parent is until she’s 12 and then be shocked because she’s like a child of Zeus.
- Leo and Jason would wait a while and focus on their relationship and careers. Then they’d adopt two daughters (not at the same time) and raise them where they don’t know about half-bloods until they’re older. They’d probably be half-bloods so that way they could raise them the way they wished they were raised. Leo and Jason don’t want them to have to see and experience the stuff they had to at such a young age.
- I don’t think any of them would name their kids after any of their late friends. I saw someone, a while ago, bring up that it could result in bad memories or just not be an okay time yet to do so. So— I don’t think that Annabeth would name her kid Silena and I don’t think Nico would name his kid Bianca.
- However, I do feel like Annabeth and Percy would name their eldest Sally after Percy’s mom (it would work well with the headcannon that Annabeth would name her kids after people with good stories) and have her middle name be a positive powerful historical figure.
(I realize I left Piper out— I’ve been forgetting a lot about characters recently and need to go back and reread HOO in order to grasp what I think she’d do in the future)
#pjo tsats#pjo hoo toa tsats#pjo headcanon#pjo hoo toa#pjo fandom#pjo future au#valgrace#percabeth#frazel#solangelo#headcannons#percy jackson#annabeth chase#nico di angelo#will solace#hazel levesque#frank zhang#leo valdez#jason grace
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Happy Lockwood & Co. Big Bang!!! :D I had the absolute pleasure of collaborating with @The_Dreamer_Half_Alive (on Ao3 :) on her fic for the @lockwoodandcobigbang2023 event; set post TEG, it’s truly so lovely and heartwarming, and I had so much fun doing a piece for it! We very much hope you enjoy :)
Link to the fic!!!! (the horror of the night melt away) under the warm glow of survival of the day
(Closeups below the cut :D) (because I ended up making it too wide to be easily seen in full lol) (plus ~artistic commentary~)
(SPOILERS FOR FIC CONTENT)
Okay, so I tried to put a bunch of little easter eggs from the fic and just in general in here, so if you’re interested:
Alright, to start off, I was generally very inspired by them getting a record player; I thought it was very sweet, and I loved the idea of them finally getting to relax and hang out in the library (the lack of chairs, I know; I couldn’t figure out how to put them in without blocking people lol) and locklyle dancing, with the record player on in the background, so that’s what I took as the basis of the scene!!
We had discussed that the characters were kind of a combo of both show and book versions, so I tried to add a smattering and hints of both when doing their designs!
The record is, of course, an Ella Fitzgerald record as mentioned in the fic (the record drawn is her Souvenir Album)
Holly is wearing her engagement ring, and wearing shades of pink and cream because that’s what she wears at her wedding (although shifted in hue to better match the color scheme of the piece lol)
Everyone (minus Flo) of course has their white strands of hair (which is *always* one of my favorite details to draw)
Lucy and George bake in the fic, but I think I had just read the Christmas mini story when I was doing my thumbnail for this, so Kipps ended up being the one bringing in baked goods; however, the baking mitts are orange and monogrammed with George's initials because I couldn't let that slip by, could I?
I wasn't quite sure what to put Flo in, because in the books she never takes off her boots or puffer jacket, but I wanted to throw in some sign that she was living at 35 Portland Row and becoming closer to all of them, (and her close relationship with George,) so I let her keep the boots, but traded the puffer jacket in for one of George's plaid shirts :)
The chess game also made it in because of the Christmas short story, lol
Lucy's blue star jacket!! When I read the fic, I was planning from the start to have her wearing the jacket, so of course it made it in :) I wasn't really sure what style it should be, though, so I ended up with kind of an odd mishmash of designs, but I think it turned out working alright!
The sapphire necklace, because, of course
I adore that Lockwood wears his pink socks throughout the entire show (well, most of the time they're the pink ones ;) so I wanted to include them (and then gave Lucy blue ones to match :)
The chipped blue mugs that Lockwood brings to Lucy for her tea after she wakes up from nightmares are on the bookshelf, and I couldn't find a way to directly include the Earl Grey tea they have, but I made the tea bag tags grey in honor of it
The green glow is the ghost lamp outside because if I can find a way to incorporate cool glows in my art, I will (and also on a more narrative-driven note, symbolizing the past danger they've been through and how some of it is definitely still present, but they have each other to heal with and finally be able to have some simple fun with, and are now curled up in the safety and comfort of 35 Portland Row :)
And finally, a big theme of the fic is them healing and building a happy life together, so I just wanted them to all be happy for once, and hence I put in my best efforts to draw them as such :)
#lockwood & co#lockwood and co#lucy carlyle#anthony lockwood#george karim#flo bones#quill kipps#holly munro#locklyle#lockwood and co fanart#lockwood and co big bang#my art#I'm so proud of how this turned out#if the colors are messed up for you I apologize#I did my best to fix them#drawing program exports just don't want me to find joy lol#but yeah#very very happy with the result of this and I had such a good time with this collaboration!!! :)#also this is definitely one of the longest times I've spent on an art piece before which is kinda cool; clocking in at about 45 hours#some of it took much. much. longer than it should have#but it all turned out okay so that's what counts :)
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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Speaking of "something intimate touched by dirty hands", I'll be real, I kinda do still need someone to "cleanse" image of Mic0lash for me. Ever since the grand fandom rift I've of course fallen onto the better side where fans are trying their best, I just can tell my Mic mutuals are trying their best with the guy. But something so incredibly bad is connected with the character- You guys know how negative experiences with people can ruin a character (and you're in luck if not the whole piece of media)? This character for me is a manifestation that if someone claims to really love and need me, I should keep in mind that it is a lie I should not trust.
I should know by now that when something sounds too good to be true - it IS, but he is like... an "avatar" of that realization. Someone I could just look at at be reminded without the words that yes, I should remember that I'll never be happy or valued like I want to. That my "ability" to see something good even in the darkest people or to listen to the intention of even the most distorted message is reserved for someone else. For something else. I am just not built for things like long friendships, celebrating holidays, exploring the world together, just being loved, just being able to trust, just being cared about, just sharing life with someone. My role in this world is to be a "tutorial enemy". Someone people would have a negative experience with but in exchange, understand who they are and what they really want in life, and let go of their struggles and wishes that tormented them. But I feel like I can only fulfill my purpose in this world for as long as I am ignorant about it. If I stop trusting people and seeking the type of love I need - I won't get attached, so I won't get hurt when people hurt me, so I won't be slain. Because this is what I am in - a videogame enemy that people need to defeat to level up and proceed to their own games. And if I stop respawning - how I can be what I am?
I just should not learn a thing, because people better off after they "murder" me. More cruel and reclused, but better off - more self-sufficient, more confident, more.. secure of how much good they deserve. It would just help them to be more cautious when someone actually toxic appears. Like, someone who is not even self-aware, not struggling and not remorseful. So they won't take chances, to the better.
But I just need to blind myself to the truth, because I've got nothing better to offer to this world than being that "tutorial enemy". People are better after slaying me. I drop Insight points upon being stabbed, and it happened so many times. I guess this character is just cursed with being associated with a truth so horrible that it is better off not realizing it and just be moved like a pawn.
#/vent#personal#i just really need to forget#i'll never know rest and won't be anything but a tool#like i see patterns and i see my role is not a happy one#even when it is not me doing something - i cause collateral effect of the same nature#like... because of the rift that i was the result of my very very very nice and sweet friend had to learn to stand against the bullies#was this a good and useful skill? yes. was it me who attracted the said bullies? YES.#the punchline is that the person that ruined the character for me was probably the only one able to appreciate a place like this in-#-the grand scheme of things#and not just write it down as mad ravings of depressed/traumatized person#i don't believe that the world functions as well and sound as how religious people paint it#if there is truly the purpose to all this then in the end i'll just be discarded like a tool that completed its purpose and now-#-would just otherwise collect the dust#there is no other meaning in my life than to be a step towards someone else's progress and sometimes even happiness#yet i can't just.... trade my life for a different one you know? it's all i can do#i appear in the right time and place and cause chaos past which people are better for one reason or another#most learn how important they are after ditching me. some become kinder if they realize they were cruel to me#but one thing that is certain is that i am just discarded and forgotten to 'respawn' when the need arises again.
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christ alive what an episode though
#overall i'm REALLY happy#but the bigeneration was a bad move and unless they come back to that and have 14 regenerate properly and/or fuse back into 15 i'm like#never gonna be happy abt that aspect#it's also just a bad LOOK. ur first (main timeline) black dr and ur just... gonna make his first scene all about the previous dr?#when the previous dr's actor has already had not one but TWO initial just-regenerated scenes??#like... why would you do that#the regeneration scene up TO the regeneration is for the outgoing dr#everything AFTER the regeneration should be all about the INCOMING dr. it's their introduction! it's a BIG DEAL!#and absolutely none of that was about gatwa's dr ALL of the emotional focus was on tennant's dr#not to say gatwa didn't shine! absolutely he did! but the scene wasnt about him. it was entirely abt tennant dr's emotional & narrative arc#AND. even that aside. it's just stupid to have 2 drs and 2 tardises#and it's ABSURD to just keep cloning the dr as a form of emotional resolution. rtd has done it TWICE now. what are they a LIZARD#if you want the dr in 2 places at once theres an easy mechanic for that. its a show about time travel. the solution is obvious#and also like. one of the central themes of the show is change & renewal what the FUCK are u doing. thats NOT change OR renewal#anyway uh. to conclude. bigeneration bad#HOWEVER. gatwa and tennant together in those scenes. INCREDIBLY good#it isnt the end result i dislike it's the method#also i am very excited for gatwa i love his dr so much already#dw spoilers#dr who
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Weenie dog got his test did
#she speaks#Ollie#it’ll be about a week before we get the results#but he was very happy to be home lol#dancin all over the house all excited 😂😂#I didn’t have to drive this time#which is a good thing cuz I only got 3 hours of sleep last night#and my nap was a complete failure#so I had the afternoon sleepies somethin fierce
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some original materials I made for this one here
#I’m happy I was able to finally do this. I had the idea since the album name dropped actually#it was good to focus on something again and be creative. also my parents were so cute agdhfjjg supported me throughout and asked for updates#it’s very obvious which cyanotypes were made on the only sunny day we had in forever lol#the third one took so so many attempts and I nearly gave up#the end result was still not perfect but nothing a little photoshop magic couldn’t handle#I’m proud for finishing this. it was a little success I needed for myself#I’m rambling but I truly put my heart (and a lot of time) into this#*gfxbehind
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my poor body. she does not work so good
#you don't. have to read all these tags. in fact i don't think you should tbh i'm just writing in my diary here. getting very tmi in here rn#i wanna talk about me#gonna try and see if i can get an appt with a new doc tomorrow#because as much as i want to see ANOTHER doctor like i want a hole in my head. i and my mom think it would be good#to see an internist for some more personalized care for my Horrors#cause y'know. i've been pretty happy with my endo for a while now but i just haven't had any improved results in a year or two from them#and their advice is just always. diet and exercise diet and exercise diet and exercise#which is vague and impersonal and unhelpful#it's frustrating. i just want someone to tell me what's going on and how and why we're doing what we're doing#i don't need to be skinny (i'm never gonna be skinny.) i don't need to be an athlete#i just want to feel okay and make sure my body isn't going to poison itself over time#well anyway. hoping i can make a first appointment within the next couple of months#i'm seeing my new obgyn next month...will definitely be asking about my hospital visit yesterday.#i know ovarian cysts can happen and rupture in anyone and aren't necessarily correlated to pcos but#knowing i've got the latter makes me really nervous about the former happening again#and if it happened while i'm already being treated. i think it might be time for a change of treatment...
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#no need to read or react just needed to rant about my brain a bit#the next two weeks are supposed to be super exciting with BC giving us a new look and song and music video#it's umk week and my favorite for once has historically great odds of winning and a good chance to do well at eurovision as well#I'm going to see umk live with my dear sister and stay at a hotel so it's like a mini-getout and then I'm going to stockholm and oslo gigs#this is supposed to be best times of the year so far but my brain decided we can't have any of that :)#last year at this same time I got hit hard with depression and the anxiety I've always had got even worse#it got to the point that nothing made me happy or feel anything at all and I just cried all day for weeks#everything about UMK night was blurry and sad because I wasn't talking to my bestie who I've watched eurovision with for 10 years#I just started crying during the Dark Side/ Bad Idea opening and the results felt like nothing#I'll always assiociate Bad Idea with my depression because it was playing on the radio in the nurse's office when I got my meds#anyway I can feel that same darkness crawling back to my brain right now and I'm very scared#my brain decides I don't deserve to be happy and screams about how unloveable and ridiculous and embarrassing and ugly I am#it isn't helping that Joel keeps reposting the most model-looking tiktokers because I always feel a hot gush of shame run through me#and everytime I see a pic of any of their blonde skinny young gfs I just wanna kms#now it's gotten to a point that the voice in my head yells at me that I don't deserve Bc or their music and I should cancel my gig trip#because they wouldn't wanna see a disgusting cow myself being so near the stage not to mention ask for a pic or autograph#and I should just hide in my apartment forever#and everyone who has ever been nice to me is either doing that out of pity or making fun of me behind my back#I can't take this anymore#delete later
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ohhhgjhghgjghh today's dinner was so good it had me flapping my hands at lightning speed after every bite
#TOMATO SOUP !! MY ABSOLUTE BELOVED!!!!!! and i took the time to make a quick little cheese sandwich to go w/ it too..#I've been curious abt that combination since forever!! i'd never had it before !!! It was Heavenly‼️‼️‼️‼️#_(┐「ε:)_ uhuu.. im so full & happy.... i feel like i could die very peacefully right now.#oh my god i feel sm like . that one discord screenshot of a person who ate a bunch of chicken#i just ate a bunch of tomato soup‚ i feel really good‚ I love y'all I'm sorry. This has been a real fun chat#*passes away*#wondertext#sorry abt the post resulting from my food-driven euphoria. i likw food ♡#i hope everyone else gets to enjoy countless yummy treats throughout this new year too .. ( ´꒳` )
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I dunno if this is just such an emotionally charged scene I could only write a couple lines today or am I just so tired I need a break for a day or two -- but at least I got that couple of lines down I guess?
#Raksh's writing ramblings#had a great time daydreaming the rest of the scene and fic#but not so much writing 🙈#it's very possible that I just need that break#Ive had a very nice three day long streak of writing#and it mightve resulted in only around 1.8k words (2.1k with todays) but after the year of not writing#I think my brain might just need a breather to load up on energy for more writing the next days#and the weather's been absolutely Killer too#the heat wave is killing me it's so damn hot and humid 😩#Im so brainfogged it's bordering on an actual headache#so maybe I should slow down today and have that break 😅#Ive also come to a conclusion that maybe I should make this month the break month#I was on vacation and now Im writing smth for myself#and then when I finish and load up fully on all yhe good feels#I'll sacrifice the next month to my thesis 😂#it should be easier after knowing I was able to write smth creative for myself ^^#anyway the Vegaspete time travel AU final part is going well and Im very happy with how its turning out ^^#and now Im gonna go eat dinner and lounge about being lazy and resting for the day ^^
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