#most learn how important they are after ditching me. some become kinder if they realize they were cruel to me

[katyspersonal]

Speaking of "something intimate touched by dirty hands", I'll be real, I kinda do still need someone to "cleanse" image of Mic0lash for me. Ever since the grand fandom rift I've of course fallen onto the better side where fans are trying their best, I just can tell my Mic mutuals are trying their best with the guy. But something so incredibly bad is connected with the character- You guys know how negative experiences with people can ruin a character (and you're in luck if not the whole piece of media)? This character for me is a manifestation that if someone claims to really love and need me, I should keep in mind that it is a lie I should not trust.

I should know by now that when something sounds too good to be true - it IS, but he is like... an "avatar" of that realization. Someone I could just look at at be reminded without the words that yes, I should remember that I'll never be happy or valued like I want to. That my "ability" to see something good even in the darkest people or to listen to the intention of even the most distorted message is reserved for someone else. For something else. I am just not built for things like long friendships, celebrating holidays, exploring the world together, just being loved, just being able to trust, just being cared about, just sharing life with someone. My role in this world is to be a "tutorial enemy". Someone people would have a negative experience with but in exchange, understand who they are and what they really want in life, and let go of their struggles and wishes that tormented them. But I feel like I can only fulfill my purpose in this world for as long as I am ignorant about it. If I stop trusting people and seeking the type of love I need - I won't get attached, so I won't get hurt when people hurt me, so I won't be slain. Because this is what I am in - a videogame enemy that people need to defeat to level up and proceed to their own games. And if I stop respawning - how I can be what I am?

I just should not learn a thing, because people better off after they "murder" me. More cruel and reclused, but better off - more self-sufficient, more confident, more.. secure of how much good they deserve. It would just help them to be more cautious when someone actually toxic appears. Like, someone who is not even self-aware, not struggling and not remorseful. So they won't take chances, to the better.

But I just need to blind myself to the truth, because I've got nothing better to offer to this world than being that "tutorial enemy". People are better after slaying me. I drop Insight points upon being stabbed, and it happened so many times. I guess this character is just cursed with being associated with a truth so horrible that it is better off not realizing it and just be moved like a pawn.

[tinkasbell]

TASK 005 -- WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR !

2017: easily the worst year tinka has lived through, and she spent fifteen years in foster care. her life was completely pulled out from under her and she was stuck trying to figure things out for herself. peter was acting more off than usual which led to his eventual disappearance from carthay. her options were to stick with the darlings and the lost boys or be on her own. she would’ve chosen the lost boys if they weren’t falling apart at the seams. she didn’t realize just how hard life would be without peter pan there to lead them all. besides, she was too overwhelmed to properly help the group in any way.

2018: the year of growth. tinka has never been one for resolutions, but she really was hoping for a new year, new me transformation. she wanted to be the bright girl she once was. she wanted to be less dependent on peter. she wanted to make a name for herself. no one else attached. she rekindled with iriana, rose, vidia, fawn, silver, and terence in the new year. with this came personal growth. she remembered how to have fun, how to act around girls ( ones she liked, no less ), and how important close friends are. becoming the new tinka bell would have been impossible without their support the whole way. with their help, tinka is learning how to deal with and work through her emotions, how to move on from someone who isn’t coming back, and how to comfort someone else who may be in need.

2019: tinka hopes this will be the year people recognize her as an individual instead of one of peter’s followers. she’s working towards making new relationships with people and hoping to be kinder. she also wants to fully understand her emotions and work on her jealousy, which is much easier said than done-- especially when there’s not currently anything for her to be jealous of. she’s contemplating fixing her relationship with wendy darling, but deep down some part of her still blames wendy for this whole mess. that’s something she needs to work on, but she’s not currently acknowledging it at the moment.

PLAYLIST UNDER THE CUT !

I. YOU SHOULD BE HERE -- KEHLANI.

I'm looking right at you, but you're not there / I'm seeing right past you, but you seem well aware / Your body is here but your mind is somewhere else / So far gone and you think I can't tell -- nobody knows peter pan quite like tinka bell does. she always knew he was itching to leave carthay, and something was seeming off about him. he was never a fully present kind of guy, but he was feeling especially distant. tinka would always offer a penny for his thoughts, but he’d tell her it was nothing. that he was just thinking of his next great prank. tinka is not stupid, but she doesn’t feel it’s too important to push the issue.

II. SOMEBODY ELSE -- THE 1975.

You're intertwining your soul with somebody else / I'm looking through you / While you're looking through your phone / And then leaving with somebody else -- it’s no secret that tensions are high when wendy is around the group. tinka absolutely despises the other girl and just how close she’s getting with peter, and she can tell peter is getting closer to her as well. tinka has argued with peter time and time again over his closeness with wendy but all he does is laugh at how angry she gets. nothing changes and she’s stuck watching him connect and get closer with someone else.

III. TOOTIMETOOTIMETOOTIME -- THE 1975.

I only called her one time / Maybe it was two times? / I don't think it was three times / It can't be more than four times / I think we need to rewind / You text that boy sometimes / Must be more than three times -- after each argument, peter reassures tinka that she will always be his best friend and that he has no plan on replacing her. every time the wendy argument comes up, he uses terence as his defence. if he can be your friend, why can’t she be mine? tinka doesn’t quite think it’s the same thing, but peter swears it is. he calls her hypocritical until she puts the issue to rest.

IV. THE NIGHT WE MET -- LORD HURON.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do / Haunted by the ghost of you / Oh, take me back to the night we met -- peter pan has left town and told tinka not to come with him. she misses when things weren’t so complicated. when they were just kids. when they first met and had their whole lives ahead of them. now, everything is tainted by memories the two of them shared. not only hangman’s tree, but the lost boys and all their adventures around town. sometimes it feels like there’s nothing that won’t remind her of peter.

V. I HAVE QUESTIONS -- CAMILA CABELLO.

I gave you all of me / My blood, my sweat, my heart, and my tears / Why don't you care, why don't you care? / I was there, I was there, when no one was / Now you're gone, and I'm here -- tinka gave her all to be peter’s best friend. she ditched her original friend group and made his life her life. her whole identity was not tinka bell but instead peter pan’s sidekick. she always stuck by his side and defended him when it came down to it. but now, he’s gone and her identity has left with him.

VI. MALIBU NIGHTS -- LANY.

I drink myself to sleep, who cares? / No one even has to know / I'm dealing with it on my own -- now that peter is gone, tinka feels she has no one. if the one person she trusted most in the world can just leave so easily, who's to say anyone else won’t leave just as easily? besides, tinka has never been filled with so many emotions. she doesn’t know how to handle them, and she doesn’t want to look weak. she had been dubbed peter’s stubborn and hardheaded sidekick her whole life. what would people say if they could see her now?

I feel my body giving up / Can I hold on for another night? / What do I do with all this time? -- tinka had never questioned her identity until she was left on her own. life no longer felt like something to put effort into because look where it got her. all that she had ever done and worked for was suddenly gone and she was left to deal with the emptiness. her days were spent with peter and the lost boys but the lost boys were falling apart quickly. tinka had previously agreed to be slightly’s sidekick if peter ever left, but none of them ever expected him to do so. with no group to go back to, her schedule is suddenly wide open and she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

VII. NO TEARS LEFT TO CRY -- ARIANA GRANDE.

Right now, I'm in a state of mind / I wanna be in like all the time / Ain't got no tears left to cry -- months have gone by and absolutely no word from peter. tinka is starting to accept the fact that he may be gone for good, and she’s tired of moping around. she was a functional person before she met him and she will continue to be a functioning member of society now that he’s gone. she’s tired of throwing herself a pity party and ready to rise from the ashes.

VIII. MOST GIRLS -- HAILEE STEINFELD.

Most girls are smart and strong and beautiful / Most girls work hard, go far, we are unstoppable / Most girls, are fighting back everyday, no two are the same / I wanna be like, I wanna be like most girls -- becoming the old tinka would have been absolutely impossible without her girl gang by her side. she knew she blew them off but they happily welcome her back with open arms. they’re a gang full of large personalities and she’s absolutely grateful for each and every one of them. the group wouldn’t work as well as it does without any member, and she recognizes that. they each bring something special to the table and she hopes she can be half as amazing as she finds them all to be. there’s no better group to get her back on her feet than the squad that was there before peter ever was.

IX. HOMEMADE DYNAMITE -- LORDE, KHALID, SZA, & POST MALONE.

We're way too far from home / Let's be honest with ourselves / We're way too high to drive / So let's take on the night / If the light is in the air / Open, finally, we're goin' and we're free -- there’s nothing more likely to get tinka back on track than fun nights with the girls and terence. tinka has always been a fan of mindless car rides where they all add songs to a playlist and just drive around, updating each other on their lives. hearing what is going on in everyone else’s lives distracts her from what is going on in her own. plus, it’s rare the gang is all in one place at one time.

X. THE LIFE -- FIFTH HARMONY.

Give it up for the kids, eating good, getting lit / Living life, feeling rich, this is the life / We the best in the biz, breaking off, betting chips / Living life, feeling rich -- the initial shock has disappeared. peter is gone, but she doesn’t care. she’s got her day one squad by her side and they’re stronger than ever. she no longer feels like she’s missing peter and that’s okay. she’s got a good group around her and together they are even more unstoppable than peter and the lost boys ever were.

XI. NEW RULES -- DUA LIPA.

My love, he makes me feel like nobody else, nobody else / But my love, he doesn't love me, so I tell myself, I tell myself -- however, getting over someone is never as easy as it seems. tinka goes through phases where she wonders where peter is. is he doing alright? is he safe? is he alive? he was her best friend, she can’t help but worry. he gave her some of the greatest memories of her life. but he told her not to come with him, and that’s what brings her back to reality.

XII. THANK U, NEXT -- ARIANA GRANDE.

Look what you taught me / And for that, I say / Thank you, next / Thank you, next / Thank you, next / I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex -- as much as tinka wishes she could hate peter for all the pain he caused her, it’s absolutely impossible for her to mutter those words. he made the majority of her life incredible and gave her experiences she would never have had on her own. instead of being angry that he’s gone, she’s come to accept that her time with peter, while temporary, was a blessing.

Spend more time with my friends / I ain't worried 'bout nothin' / Plus, I met someone else / We havin' better discussions / I know they say I move on too fast / But this one gon' last / 'Cause her name is Ari Tinka / And I'm so good with that -- tinka is finally beginning to find herself outside of peter pan and even outside of her girl squad. belonging to groups has always pushed tinka into roles, but reconnecting with the girls and terence reminds her of her likes and dislikes and emphasizes the possibility to clash with certain personalities but still get along with them. while she’s still not one hundred percent there, she’s working on being more in touch with her emotions ( which she’s never been very good at ).