#very sick of being so isolated just for being immunocompromised

[rockatanskette]

Semi-related to my post on how human conservation practices, but I have a cold today, and it's got me thinking about biological altruism—the biological imperative to put other creatures ahead of yourself, to benefit the group.

When talking about possible interactions with other species, we talk a lot about humans being crazy and thrill-seeking and impossible to kill. Never use a warning shot as an incentive to keep humans out of a fight; it'll just make them angry. And that's true. But a valid criticism I've seen in the "Earth is a death world" community is that according to our understanding of evolution, every planet must be some form of death world. Competition fosters evolution—the wolf with sharper claws survives when its litter mates die. You can't reach space travel without some casualties along the way.

But the dog survives because it makes friends with the strange ape carrying a sharp stick. And the strange ape survives because it befriends the wolf. Underneath the death world is an inextricable and undeniable layer of the bond world; the love world; the world, together.

I imagine some worlds are not death worlds. They're peaceful and tranquil. I suspect there are worlds far more deadly than Earth, where the skies rain diamonds, harder than any substance we know with the species to match. And I imagine that they are united in their confusion at the duality of humankind.

Today is a great example: I have a cold, and I want someone to take care of me, but the people who would are immunocompromised, also sick, or live 8 hours away, respectfully. I also want no one within the walls of my apartment or I will eat them. I feel gross, I feel tired, and I don't want a single human being anywhere near me, even if they did bring soup.

In my constant scrolling through my phone today, I decided to look up why the hell I feel so bad—why everyone feels so bad when they're ill. And the answer surprised me. I always thought it was because your immune system is active, so it's using a lot of your energy. That is part of it. Another part is that your brain and body are communicating across the blood-brain barrier to fight the infection, which is rare and energetically expensive.

But that doesn't explain everything, and according to more current research, it could also be what's called the Eyam Hypothesis: that we feel so gross, so we instinctively isolate from other people. We're too tired to deal with others, and so we don't infect them. Misanthropy for the good of the species. Of course, it can also backfire: one of the criticisms of the Eyam Hypothesis is that humans also instinctively care for each other. If my brother has a headache, I drive to the store for Advil.

Personally, I think it's a little bit of both: biological altruism. Either way, the majority live on. The first thought I had this morning when I woke up wasn't "I feel gross" it was "there's no way I'm going to work today." And while that might not be everyone's first thought, you don't even have to be a particularly altruistic person to not want to leave your home or your bed when you're sick. It's inborn.

And so when the human named Ismail comes down with a case of the interstellar common cold, his alien friend Dyos grows very concerned. Ismail is usually intensely social, almost off-puttingly so. Some crew members joke about how his quarters are for sleeping and prayer only; if he's home alone? You should be worried. But when Dyos demands an answer to the severity of Ismail's malady, the other humans just nod knowingly.

"Nah, he's okay, the medics already cleared him. It's not a severe infection."

"But there are so many...fluids. And his body has changed color."

There is a moment of confusion there until they remember that Dyos's species can see in the infrared color spectrum.

"Nah, that's just a low-grade fever. It should break in the next couple days."

"But he doesn’t want to play chess today," Dyos insists.

"Ohhhh," says human Claudia, finally understanding. "No, that's normal. Humans don't like being around other people when they're sick, it's supposed to be one of the major evolutionary advantages. Protect your community from your illness and the genes live on."

"So we're just going to leave him alone?" Dyos is troubled by this. He can go for weeks without speaking to another life form, but he has seen Ismail grow despondent when unable to participate in social gathering.

"Oh, no," human Claudia says, laughing. "We're going to employ one of the other most longstanding human evolutionary advantages."

There are many to choose from and Dyos settles on, "middle age?"

"Sort of," human Claudia opens up a small shipping container and holds up a brown paper bag tied with a colorful ribbon. It glows brightly in Dyos's vision, almost as brightly as human Claudia's smile. "His nanni's hot soup, express delivery."

[liminalweirdo]

"It makes a better world for everyone if we take care of everyone."

video transcript behind the cut

John Yang:The pace of U.S. COVID-19 fatalities has slowed significantly. The nationwide death toll stands at more than 1 million people. With precautions like mandatory masking, social distancing, and isolation no longer in place, it can seem as if worries about the virus are gone as well. But for many people with disabilities, the threat is still very real. We asked people in the disability community to tell us about their concerns about this new normal.

Naomi Ben-Porath:Naomi Ben-Porath. I'm 26 years old. I live in Lowell, Massachusetts. I have POTS, postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. I would say that the changes in the COVID policies have definitely made me a lot more nervous to be out and about.

Ngozi Alston:My name is Ngozi Alston. I have scleroderma, which is an autoimmune condition. There's just so much erasure that exists, right? Like, we are not part of public spaces. We're not part of mass movement. We can't be. They're not safe.

Jermaine Greaves:My name is Jermaine Greaves. My different disabilities are cerebral palsy. That is a neurological condition that affects the brain and the muscle. My second disability is hidradenitis suppurativa. That is a chronic skin condition. I'm just afraid of getting sick and not being able to, like, get through it, you know, that's a real concern for me.

John Ross:My name is John Ross. I am a 71-year old widower with chronic lymphocytic leukemia. I don't go to restaurants. I don't go into inside places.

Julie Lam:My name is Julie Lam. I am immunocompromised. I have chronic kidney disease.

Terri Hudson:My name is Terri Hudson. I live in Chicago, Illinois. I was born with spina bifida.

Natalie Lampros:My name is Natalie Lampros. I am 28 years old. My current disabilities are, I have a traumatic brain injury, asthma, and then endometriosis. There's still doctors that I have not seen in over a year because it would require me to take off my mask for the test.

Ngozi Alston:The burden is constantly on me as the disabled person, having to ask and advocate for myself, even trying to hang out with friends or people want to come see me, but aren't willing to, like, take the level of precautions that I need them to.

Natalie Lampros:A lot of grief, depression, and feeling very disconnected from our culture essentially.

Naomi Ben-Porath:For many of us, we don't have the luxury to think that COVID, as a public health situation, is past us. And so it's been very isolating seeing the national discourse turn in that way.

Julie Lam:My social life has shrunk to zero. I cannot attend parties. I cannot hang out with friends like what I used to. It used to be like, we are in this together. Now, no, you do you. You're on your own. You look after yourself.

John Ross:I'm thrilled that people are able to get back to their lives and do the things that we all love to do. But at the same time, we need to also recognize that life is precious. And we may not be out of the woods completely, even though it seems that way.

Jermaine Greaves:The person next to you, you don't know what chronic condition you don't have. You don't know what sickness they're carrying around. You giving them COVID could be literally life or death. So I would implore people to think about community when they wear a mask instead of thinking about themselves.

Terri Hudson:We should be doing everything we can societally, all of us, to take care of all of us, because there's really nothing that disabled people ask for as far as accommodation and help that doesn't also benefit nondisabled people ultimately. It makes a better world for everyone if we take care of everyone.

[sapphic-sprite]

wear a mask please! some of us will die if we catch covid or will be sent to the hospital for a cold! by wearing a mask you are making it easier for us to just exist in public places!

[callmearcturus]

For the “essential” service workers

Not everyone gets to quarantine. Not everyone has a WFH job.

Some people are running the “essential” stores that people come to every day to browse idly because “everywhere else is closed!” Some people are throwing up stock of bleach and TP and canned food only to turn around and see the stock has vanished behind them.

Some people are stuck working for companies with no paid sick leave, or they are offered paid sick leave… if you get diagnosed with covid-19. And none of us can even get tested in most states even if we show symptoms due to the draconian guidelines on who gets a test.

Some of us are immunocompromised or live with elderly family and are fucking terrified of carrying covid home with us.

Some of us are “lucky” and are getting increased wages during this period. But it’s up in the air if that makes this shit worth it, and most of us don’t get that.

Regardless, I want to establish one thing: No one who works retail asked to be “essential” services. And none of us were trained for this and none of us are being paid enough for this.

Personally, I have enjoyed my job up until covid happened because I’m an incredibly anxious person, and my store was a quiet one, and I was good at my job. It was a calm environment to work in, and I was happy to find it.

Now, I’m having repeated crying jags in the stock room and looking up how to qualify for unemployment and not seeing a way out. I handle the money for the store deposit almost every night, and I intimately know my store is making at minimum 4x usual profit and some days 6x or 7x more.

My point in this post is that I know I’m not alone. I have two friends in similar straits who are also on the verge of breaking down. We can’t sustain this.

The rallying cry of “paid sick leave” doesn’t mean shit if it comes with the caveat that you have to test positive for a virus you can’t get tested for. And while I am trying very hard to be sympathetic to the people who are isolating, who are lonely, who are struggling, I feel like “essential” workers are being thrown in the woodchipper.

And it becomes very hard to hold onto that sympathy when people just! come into our stores! to walk around! Maybe if fewer people did that, maybe if my store stopped making astronomical amounts of money, we’d close for a few days. But nope.

Please start yelling loudly for hazard pay for essential workers. Please start yelling for testing for everyone so we can fucking go home. Please stop talking about how “brave” we are and help us.

That’s all. This is a post for my fellow low wage workers who woke up one day and found out they’re essential staff, retail or EMTs or gas station workers or whoever you are. This is bullshit and we’re tired and we need help. Before we all burn out.

[callmebliss]

Dealing with having Covid has been A Process, and I know at the outset that I am luckier than a lot of people have been. My symptoms peaked with Bad Flu and, while it's taken longer for me to recover than the others in my household who had it, I'm recovering and at no point was hospitalization even on the table for us.

One thing that's interesting to me about it was a conversation I had with Youngest Spawn when the illness first hit the household, in comparison to the conversation we had this morning. I knocked on his door and stayed at the doorway with my mask on to ask how he was feeling and to tell him Middlest tested positive and that SALM and I were both experiencing symptoms, and to lay down the house rules of Stay In Your Room As Much As Possible, Only Leave It With A Mask On, Open The Window In The Shared Bathroom For Ventilation Every Time You Use It. He listened, but remarked, "Wow, everyone is going to get this eventually." Nonetheless, the rules were the rules, and we all abided. (Abode?)

Five days after Middlest tested positive and the three of us had symptoms, SALM and I tested positive. Eldest and Youngest tested negative. Five days later they were still negative, and able to go fully masked back to school (which was and still is getting hit hard by this wave). This morning we were talking over poptarts (him) and espresso (me) from opposite sides of the kitchen about how strange school is right now with lots of people out, including one day last week where a couple of kids in the Program (RISE for autism-flavored students) he's part of showed up and there were just...no grownups at the classroom, so they all did their own thing there until it was time for the next period.

We discussed how many people are getting it, and the importance of continued masking, and I pointed out that while it is just one anecdotal piece of data rather than something comprehensive, I was very heartened by the fact that despite this being the most contagious variant and all five of us sharing a household and certain common spaces, by following the rules diligently and maintaining isolation and masking in the common spaces we DID manage to get through the contagious/shedding period without three of us giving it to the other two of us. "Yeah! It's not inevitable! And I'm going to be really proud of my flex if I get to come through the pandemic without ever getting it." I admitted I was sad to have lost that flex myself, but glad about keeping him and his brother from catching sick. We talked about the folks we're continuing to protect by not just giving up - older folks, fellow students, little kids, immunocompromised folks of all ages.

It's not inevitable, and it shouldn't be, and it won't be. I won't give up.

[cant-believe-im-backhere]

Started 10-2-23

Stats:

Sw/hw: 98kg/216lbs

Cw: 93.7kg/206lbs

Checkpoints: 95/209 ✨

90/198

80/176

75/165

70/154

65/143

60/132

55/ 121

Gw: 50kg/110lbs

Unrealistic gw but we’ll see: 48kg/105

Wassup lmao!!! Can call me Wren if u want! Decided to do a bio/intro and got carried away (chronic oversharer) but it is what it is, hope u enjoy if u take the time to read!!

Dms always open 💕

Vents/progress/memes/food talk

CPTSD, kinda borderline ☠️ just ND in general, general trigger warning for ED stuff, SH, Drugs, and whatever tf comes along with that (it’s a wild ride)

✨Chronically ill & immunocompromised so that’s a thing✨

Am very pro recovery!!!! and was actively in it recently till I gained weight and everything else happening just kinda put the ED first and foremost, don’t really have anyone irl I can talk to about this so I thought I’d remake my old account!!! (Old one got banned in like 2020 or smth), and feel like it’s a safer way to journal/vent than a physical book.

Not pro ED or anything like that, but I understand it’s a sickness/mega fucks up your brain and is extremely hard to control, and sometimes it’s better to have a community who understands it rather than isolating urself in ur room and being even more destructive ya know- I don’t know if that makes sense but it’s my stance ya know-

Don’t fuck w fatspo and general DNI if ur like genuinely fatphobic tho because that’s not the vibe, I’m queer and everyone is hot ya know, and regardless of wether ur attracted to someone or not they still deserve basic respect and decency!!! Just generally be kind to ppl unless they’ve like been a massive dickhead ya know-

I need to get back into drawing/writing, but I’ve been knitting a lot, really like stardew valley, animals in general, fashion/costume design! Fruit, greys anatomy, music, TikTok, and reading when I can!!!! Love LOTR, Buffy, BNHA, some marvel, wanna watch more horror in general!

✨Goals: kinda slim thick? Flat stomach big thighs✨

[flyonthewallmedstudent]

COVID misinformation.

I know the internet is literally plagued with misinformation and fringe conspiracy theorists. I mean, we live with the consequences daily, with January 6th capitol riot in the US, constant protests on whether COVID is real or being spread via 5G etc.

It's weird watching people with no medical or epidemiological training throw out statistics. And it's like.

There were a lot of misconceptions about the flu vaccination which I got used to dispelling and discussing with patients pre-pandemic over the years. To note, I don't press hard if they've made up their minds and this group comprises a very small, sometimes vocal, radical minority.

But if patients are on the fence, it's incredibly important to have that discussion particularly if they're in a higher risk group for severe disease and hospitalisation.

To clarify, the flu vaccination as with the COVID vaccination, may not prevent you from being "infected" or picking up the disease. But it will prevent severe complications and hospitalization. In short, it prevents you dying from the flu. And people do die from the flu, just in much smaller numbers than COVID and within the much older age groups. It was rare for flu patients to require O2 or ICU intubation for ventilation. With COVID, we are seeing this requirement. The average COVID ICU admission is 10 days, which means if you're unlucky it could be much longer. Also France has just published a study of 22 million demonstrating this. Pfizer cuts risk of developing severe COVID by 90%. Moreover, if you wear a mask regularly, your ability to infect someone else is substantially lower too. This youtube video explains pretty bloody well.

I have this conversation over and over again each year about the flu vaccination, and the resistance is much less with the flu vaccine even now.

But now that a pandemic is at the fore, I'm having this conversation more often and not just with patients, but with family and friends and now online.

Some of them are highly educated, but again, we do a terrible job mitigating misinformation or providing appropriate public health education as a whole. I wholeheartedly agree with the American Surgeon General that misinformation on social media is a massive issue that requires action.

The vast majority of patients being admitted for COVID are the unvaccinated. In the minority of groups that are fully vaccinated and require hospitalization for COVID, it's often because they're immunocompromised or have underlying health conditions (it means their bodies are less resilient to fighting illness or their immune systems are less robust).

Our best protection as a society is herd immunity for those who cannot fully benefit from being fully vaccinated themselves. This includes neonates and infants who cannot receive vaccines the day they're born, we often forget this when we do not have children ourselves.

We call it the pandemic of the unvaccinated because overwhelming it is the unvaccinated that are hospitalized, not the vaccinated.

But truly it is also a pandemic for the vaccinated in the sense that there are so many unvaccinated COVID patients in hospital now, that if you have non-COVID condition, you will suffer delays or potentially receive substandard care.

Major tertiary hospitals have been converted to priorititze COVID patients (as they may imminently require negative pressure rooms or ICU), so the non-COVID are being transferred say to hospitals who do not normally treat complex patients etc. They will suffer worse outcomes. Not a hospitals are created equal, that does not make them terrible places, they're just not for more critically ill patients, but we are shuttling patients there to make room for the very sick with COVID that need isolation to prevent spread.

This is a lot more than personal or individual choice. It's a moral and ethical responsibility we all share to protect the vulnerable and our community as a whole.

Healthcare is a finite resource, but as the vast majority of the population have no exposure to what a hospital system is like, it's often more of an intangible concept. How do you compel someone to care about something, they have no connection to? I am heartened by the fact that social media giant Facebook is finally facing the music and congress is considering legislation to regulate it and misinformation that is prolonging this pandemic and its consequences. This is long, long past overdue. I thought it was hilarious when before congress Zuckerberg said "Lying is bad," we shouldn't do it, but permitting and encouraging it, is much the same. It has the same if not worse consequences. You can't merely absolve yourself of responsibility.

You know, I still can't believe how much of medicine has changed in a couple of short years. I never thought I'd see this in my life time as a healthcare provider, and there was nothing in my training or during medical school that would have prepared for this.

Usually, I'm also used to conspiracy theorists and other similar minority groups on the fringes. Where I can "ignore them" and move on with life. In the rare moments I'm faced with them, they're fleeting, like the very occasional patient dying of metastatic cancer because they're in denial that cancer exists, or that modern medicine will help them. I've seen them die in hospital still taking complementary medicine to 'cure' their incurable cancer to the very end, but they're no longer able to look after themselves at home they have to go somewhere. So they come to us. Possibly you could argue individual choice here, cancer is not contagious. The flipside to that argument is that early intervention also saves vital resources for everyone else who needed them and did not sign up for someone else's extreme views.

A pandemic is a different thing. Every individual choice impacts and upends every corner of society in a very extreme and short time frame. Swallowing up whole everything we have.

[rosafulmen-a]

Heya ! I’ve had a couple of people check in on me over the past couple of days/weeks and I thought I’d just chuck a line and say that I am still around, just currently dealing with the world at large. Under a read more; just for mentions of the pandemic / medical things and stuff.

Anyway, hi, my activity is in the garbage because the pandemic has suddenly become pretty real where I live. I had the luxury of being in a part of the world relatively sheltered from COVID-19 so, whilst we knew it was bad here, people weren’t isolating/getting sick/dying. With omicron, and governments getting lax... it’s here. So, fortunately, we’re not dealing with supposed ‘worse’ strains of the virus, but it’s around and growing like mad.

I’m immunocompromised and my job, without going into detail, is very front-facing and deals with a lot of people on a day-to-day basis. Trying to maintain normalcy under those conditions honestly sucks ass and, by the time I get home, I rarely have the drive to do little more than crawl into bed and sleep. I consider myself lucky in that my disease CAN and HAS gone into remission, so I’m trying to wean myself off my meds in a bid to keep my immune system as strong as it can be without attacking my body, but getting sick could also cause flare ups - you can see the catch-22 here.

I’m pretty open about my condition so, if you’re curious and don’t want to ask, I have vasculitis - specifically, cutaneous vasculitis. The images of my disease can be pretty gnarly, so take care when googling it if you’re curious. All things considered, it’s not as bad as some peoples’ conditions... but its not fun.

So, yeah! Chances are I’ll be around if I end up being a close contact/get sick and need to isolate (lmao) or we hit and pass our ‘peak’ and I’m not holding up the fort for co-workers who also need to be off for illness/surgery/caregiving etc. Right now I’m sort of taking it one day at a time and playing xiv/hanging out with my friends in the meantime. I may come back to the dash sporadically, but please keep this post in mind if you’re looking for an indicator of my activity.

I miss you all, I give you a smooch, see you on the other side.

[aijee]

Life update 9/10

CW: COVID/illness, mental health

Hi, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

First of all, welcome to all you lovely new followers. Full disclosure (and gentle reminder for anyone else following), I’ve sort of fallen off the writing mood for a while, so if you’re here for Seventeen, Meanie or fanfic content, it will be pretty rare, if that wasn’t evident already. But if you’re here to keep up with my life once in a while, I appreciate your time and attention. :)

Second, I still strongly believe that we’re in a pandemic. I’m still appalled at the lack of empathy, respect and protection towards immunocompromised, disabled, chronically ill, socioeconomically disadvantaged, marginalized people in a country (America for me) that would rather us go back to work and make money than ensure everyone is safe and can comfortably return to their daily lives without feeling like their life is actively threatened. I’ve felt a lot of disillusionment towards my workplace, country (of which I am now a citizen, ironically) and life goals lately, which has been difficult after so many years of aspiring to learn, live and work here.

Part of that disillusionment is having gotten COVID recently. Like many Asians, I grew up in a multigenerational household, and that habit of thinking about how my actions affect my elders is ingrained. I couldn’t bear to leave my apartment, but my workplace and institution insisted that I return to work after a really short isolation period—in my mind, prioritizing the work to be done over (1) my health and comfort, (2) how my coerced presence would affect others more vulnerable down the line. It was really hard going against my morals because I had to pay bills and eat. Still wearing masks and diligently sanitizing/washing hands until now, surrounded by people who don’t makes me feel like a fucking crazy person. Am I the only one who still cares? Am I the only one who still sees the COVID numbers? It’s honestly really jarring to feel so disconnected from the reality around you.

I was not in a good mental place, having COVID. Obviously being ill and in bed most of the time is not a good experience, but I also live alone. The pandemic has been and continues to be wrought with loneliness; I try my best to supplement that with video calls with friends and texting family. But to be ill and without close support where you live is downright scary and extremely melancholy. To be young and alone in a city full of people is so very sad.

For better and for worse, I finally got a doctor’s diagnosis for my mental health struggles and am starting on medication for the first time (which happened at the same time as getting COVID—imagine how that experience was, oof). It’s both scary and relieving to hear what I imagined was what I was dealing with for a while. 

This, alongside COVID, has been making me extremely tired almost all days. I use up all my energy to survive at work, keep up a face and do my job well. I use up all my energy talking to friends, being genuinely happy to see them and chatting the night away. But outside of that, I’m left with scraps to do things for myself beyond the bare minimum of eating, sleeping and cleaning. I’m trying not to judge myself for it. As my therapist keeps saying: “It just is, and that’s okay. You’re okay.” Many are in similar positions, just doing their best to get by day-to-day. But it doesn’t make me less of a person or less worth of existing.

Funny thing is that I fell of off Seventeen and GoSe, which I used to watch religiously back in the day, some time in the pandemic when things got rough and K-Pop just wasn’t the healthy comfort place it used to be. Since getting COVID, I spent so much of my sick days watching these silly boys doing silly things. It was a joy to reconnect with the joy they gave before and give me again. I didn’t intend to write about these difficult experiences of mine, but it felt appropriately full-circle to mention on this blog that SVT has been an indispensable, wonderful comfort for me lately. I missed them so much. I’m grateful for what they do because I don’t think I could’ve gotten through the last several weeks without them.

Maybe by writing this, it’ll help me remember: I’m doing my best. And that’s okay. I’m okay.

[thebibliosphere]

Allow me to start by saying, I’m not mad at anyone for not realizing this and I’m not criticizing you for not thinking about it (because why would you? this is not your norm), but I feel like a lot of people not understanding why I can’t do things like home physical therapy visits at the moment, don’t truly understand what it means to be dangerously immunocompromised during a time of pandemic, and just how strict self-isolation measures have to be for some of us, and the level of isolation we live with year-round because of our illnesses.

I am a sick person, this is news to exactly no one unless you are very very new to my blog, in which case, hi sorry the funny post you followed me for is tied to this train wreck. I live most of my life in isolation because of my illnesses, and I’ve had over five near-death experiences in as many years, but last year I nearly lost the fight for good. I have spent the entire last year recovering, slowly regaining strength, slowly managing to stabilize and regain some small quality of life. Slowly, so very slowly, because the toll of nearly dying is not something you bounce back from quickly, physically or mentally. 

That alone would make me a high-risk patient for something like COVID-19, but on top of that, I also have a condition (MCAS) where my body overreacts to infections to such a point where my own immune response can send me into anaphylaxis, among other things. You know that whole “cytokine storm” everyone’s talking so much about but hardly seems to understand but is absolutely scared shitless of? My body does that all by itself. *jazz hands of despair*

So just to recap: as an immunocompromised individual, I am more likely to get the virus, but also because of my MCAS, I’m more likely to die from complications because my immune system is a sack of rabid weasels fighting in a trenchcoat. This does not even include the complications from a condition like EDS, where I am more prone to lung collapse and heart valve prolapses if I get something like COVID-19 or y’know, flu. (Please get your yearly flu shots and practice good hand washing protocol year-round regardless of global pandemic status, please I am begging you.)

This is why several weeks before the pandemic was officially declared, my health care team decided “yea, you should probably stop going outside unless it’s an emergency” and canceled all my nonvital care, which regrettably includes all the things I do to manage my pain i.e. weekly massage and physical therapy. The risk was just deemed too high. 

The week pandemic was declared, the message turned into “everyone you live with either needs to self isolate with you or leave, don’t interact with anyone unless it’s a medical emergency or part of your vital care”, vital being “a thing which keeps you alive”. And just to give you an idea of how strict this measure is: the testing for the condition which sends me into random anaphylaxis has been indefinitely postponed and declared an elective. *despairing jazz hands intensifies*

So no, I can’t have home care for physical therapy right now, because no one apart from my husband is allowed in or out of our house. I am not just being stubborn or dramatic. I am not shooting down your seemingly sensible suggestions because I am being contrary and difficult like someone implied in my inbox (and okay yea I am mad at that one person and they can fuck off). I am trying to protect myself as best I can because I’m acutely aware that others won’t. I’m aware of all the people complaining and breaking self-isolation rules because they’re bored. I’m aware of all the people who keep saying things like “but we need to get the economy going”. I am aware that for many people, I am an acceptable statistic. I am aware my life is more than likely forfeit if I get sick and it’s a choice between me and someone else. I’m aware, I’m so horribly aware all the time and on top of that I’m in so much pain sometimes all I want to do is lay down and cry, Sometimes it’s all I can do.

And sometimes I just want to bitch about it without people trying to offer “obvious” solutions, who don’t know the full scope and reality of what this life is like. And I would appreciate if people respected my knowledge of myself enough to listen to me when I say something isn’t an emergency and not imply I’m not taking care of myself, because friend, you have got no God damn idea the lengths I go to to stay alive every day. And I’m not the only one living in this perpetual nightmare day in day out, regardless of pandemic. I’m just the one with a platform big enough to be heard.

Please, be kinder, and think before you offer what seems like an “obvious” solution. If it’s obvious and we’re not doing it, there’s an obvious answer as to why. You don’t need to know that answer in order to know it’s valid. You just need to respect that it exists. 

I know the desire to help is there, and I applaud that desire, but ask yourself, is the person asking for help? Have they requested feedback? If yes, respond accordingly. If not, offer sympathy and kind words instead. If you’re not sure here’s a magic phrase that will serve you well for most situations like this:

“Do you want help or do you need to just vent and let it out? I’m here either way.”

[freddieofhearts]

Bye bye, dears (for now!)

I know there have been a lot of rumours and some posts about me leaving, so here I am to set the record straight and say a quick ‘au revoir’. This post is long, and I don’t expect everyone to read the whole thing—if you just want information on how to keep in touch, or about access to my removed fics, scroll to the bottom. ⬇️

*

Why are you leaving?

Firstly, of course I’m not leaving Freddie. This is just an ongoing hiatus from the social side of fandom, because while I have some incredible friends here, who have done all they can to support me and have made this experience wonderful in lots of ways—it’s also true that the social space has become more and more toxic for me.

I get a wild amount of hate. Despite never having my ask box enabled on here, people create new accounts just to message me and tell me all the problems in this fandom are my fault, that I’m faking being sick, that I should kill myself, that I’m fat, etc. I also very regularly get hateful comments on AO3.

Obviously I realise that I’m not the only one who receives these cruel attacks, but it’s become increasingly hard to handle them—especially as some people (‘real’ accounts, not faceless anons) do continue to blame me for wider problems in the fandom. It makes me feel consistently sad, anxious, and paranoid, so that I can’t focus on anything Queen-related that I enjoy.

More pressingly, it’s affected my mental health, which is—imperfect at the best of times. As I’ve occasionally alluded to in older posts on this blog, I have a history of anorexia, OCD, PTSD, and some other overlapping issues. Most people who know me in the fandom are also aware that I’m ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’ to Covid-19, significantly immunocompromised, and have been isolating at home for eleven months.

The combination of all of these things + the constant toxic messages has really been triggering me, and leading to an uptick in disordered behaviours, which my body cannot sustain. Every new instance of hate from an anon—every time there’s another indication of groups in the fandom wanting to ostracise me further—my reaction is deeply self-punitive and unhealthy. Ultimately I need to be out of this environment for, at least, a protracted period. My therapist, my partner and my close friends in the fandom support this decision.

*

So, what went wrong?

In 2019, I expected to be an absolutely tiny blog in the Queen Tumblr landscape. The fandom was already well-established, and I have never worked to ‘build a following’ on here—I think I’ve linked my own fic a maximum of three or four times!—in fact, more or less the opposite. As I mentioned above: ya girl is nutty as a fruitcake. As a result, I often avoid extremely niche things in daily life which cause severe anxiety for me, Relevant examples here: I never look at my timeline. I never intentionally look at my follower number. Yup, it’s strange, I fully admit it, but it’s best for me to go with these things—usually. In Queen fandom, however, this avoidance both of analytic stats and of most direct engagement led to some problems... My followers grew without me realising, and way more people were reading my blog than I was aware of. I was still in a—“Wow, this fandom is very frustrating, and rife with ableism, racism, etc., so how do we fix this???”—mindset, and I wanted to share my opinions, sure! but I also thought I was sharing them with 15-20 like-minded people.

Now, intent is not impact, and I recognise that I was brusque, didn’t phrase things particularly sensitively, and absolutely did hurt some people by criticising the fandom so freely. I still regret this—and I regret just as much the fact that some assholes have used my criticising the fandom on my own blog as implicit justification for attacking authors. I have said on here many times that I don’t condone that behaviour—but I also think there’s some truth in the presumption that these anonymous malcontents felt my critiques somehow ‘permitted’ them to engage in abuse. For the first few months, though, I genuinely had no idea there was a link at all—and so I was initially slow to condemn this abusive behaviour in public, because I was taking it for granted all authors agreed it was shitty. It took someone directly telling me (shoutout to @a-froger-epic) that people had identified a connection between my posts and the anons, before everything fell into place.

I would like to offer my apologies to the fandom at large for not being more quick on the uptake about this, because I feel that had I realised sooner that these people were taking ‘inspiration’ in some way from me, it might have been easier to put a stop to it. It does seem that there is still a lot of confusion about whether I support them and which of their views I agree with. Let’s be 100% clear on this: I do not support the anonymous commenters on AO3. At times there is some, limited overlap between parts of their views and parts of mine, but even that is less than you may think—I often see anonymous comments from so-called ‘Freddie fans’ that I substantially disagree with.

Perhaps even more importantly: I do not support anyone who sends anonymous hate on Tumblr.

*

What’s all this about ‘overlap’ with the anons?

Let’s do a mini-summary of the myths vs. the truth. There are views I hold which are genuinely unpopular in the fandom—but which I own up to completely, and have never tried to hide in any way. I’ve never needed to use anonymous to share my opinions because I’m completely open about them! What people who don’t know me tend to have ‘heard’ about me, though, is usually a drastic distortion of my real opinions.

What people think I think:

- Freddie should never top.

- It’s okay to send anon hate if someone writes Freddie ‘wrong’.

- It’s more important to correct ‘wrong’ portrayals than to respect other writers.

- It’s inherently wrong to be more interested in band pairings than canon pairings.

- Freddie should be overtly written as a r*pe survivor/victim (and not doing this is wrong).

- Freddie should be overtly written as having an eating disorder (and not doing this is wrong).

- Kink fics are wrong.

What I actually think:

- I believe Freddie did have a strongly defined sexual identity with marked preferences, but I don’t think Jim Hutton lied when he said that Freddie topped. I believe Freddie did top, but this isn’t the time or place to get into my thoughts on why/when/how much. I do believe that my analysis of the sources relevant to this subject is as historically accurate as one can reasonably be in matters of sex (where historical accuracy will always be particularly limited and imperfect)—but I don’t think it’s morally wrong to write Freddie as topping more than he probably did.

- I don’t believe there’s only one ‘right’ version of Freddie (all others being ‘wrong’). I do believe it is possible to be more right or less right—but I’m also conscious of the fact that this scale of value is not one by which everyone measures fanfiction. As a result, then, I don’t think that any perceptions surrounding ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ justify sending anonymous, non-constructive criticism, or outright hate.

- I do believe constructive criticism is a good thing. I welcome and appreciate it myself; I have received it on my fics in Queen fandom, and it has made them better. I have been in writing workshops which included very forceful criticisms, and the value of such feedback has been intimately and immediately part of my life as a writer for years. However: in this case, I have accepted that my opinion differs from the general community preference, and so I no longer offer any constructive criticism (outside private beta-reading). I haven’t changed my view, but I’ve changed my practice to align with community norms.

- I do not think any single, individual writer has a personal responsibility to write about Freddie Mercury in any given way. That ranges from including the more distressing topics to which I’ve devoted attention (such as trauma)—to concentrating on ‘canon’ pairings like Jimercury—to, even, focusing on Freddie at all.

“Now, that doesn’t sound like you, @freddieofhearts,” you might be thinking. And I know it doesn’t; I think something I’ve done a poor job of articulating is the difference between how I view each individual fan—namely, as free to shape their creative experience at will, even in ways that I might find distressing or offensive; even in ways that you might find distressing or offensive—and the way I view the Collective. I think people have interpreted some of my critiques of ‘Queen Fandom’ as meaning something like: “You-in-particular, a specific Queen fan, are doing it wrong and should change everything about how you do it; also you don’t really care about Freddie.”

And—that’s not it. What any given fan, as an individual, does, isn’t a problem. And that can be true alongside—concurrently with—a multivalent critique of how the fandom is lacking in representation of Freddie’s life, with all that that (wonderful, deservedly celebrated, but also profoundly traumatic) life entailed. I still hold that view; I still have myriad problems with ‘the fandom’ (structurally, collectively, historically and presently—from the 1990s to the 2020s). Some of what I want to work on (away from the social life of fandom) is expressing those critiques with greater nuance, in ways that can’t be misinterpreted as shading any particular fanfiction author or subgenre of story.

In brief: I haven’t changed my mind, but I think Tumblr is an untenable environment in which to discuss the things I want to analyse, especially as there is an ever-present danger of hurting someone.

*

Can we keep in touch? Where is the fic?

I will drop by this account periodically to check out posts that friends have sent me, so you can always sent me a private message to ask for my contact details on the other app that I’m using now for fandom friends. Multiple Freddie conversations and projects are going on over there, off-Tumblr, with a much ‘gentler’ environment and no bad actors—I personally love it!

All my fic has been downloaded and saved. I don’t want to deal with constant harassment on AO3, but I’m happy to share a copy with anyone who missed it and wants to read/re-read something. I also saved everyone’s lovely comments and thoughtful con-crit, so none of that has been lost or erased.

Thank you to everyone who welcomed me to the fandom, made me think, taught me, shared with me, sent me into fits of the giggles, collaborated with me creatively, and otherwise made this one hell of a ride! Love you all. ❤️

[obaewankenope]

Did you know, the government's planned response to Coronavirus goes entirely against WHO advice for countries? The best advice is Self-isolation and social distancing aka the advice from the World Health Organisation. The UK Government, instead, has dithered and dallied and refused to ban mass gatherings, close schools and universities (or at least make learning an online thing for the time being), and so on. That's because Sir Patrick Wallace, who is the chief scientific advisor to the government argues herd immunity is what is needed.

Now, he's not wrong. With diseases, herd immunity really helps. That's why we get told to get the vaccines for so many diseases like measles, mumps, rubella, the common cold, tetanus, etc. Because those vaccines give us immunity to the live version of the disease. This, in the long-run, protects those who can't have vaccines or who vaccines don't work on because they're immunocompromised.

Immunocomprised is, essentially, your immune system being crap at fighting off illness.

People with Asthma are immunocompromised.

People with Diabetes are immunocompromised.

People with Chronic Fatigue are immunocompromised.

People with Cancer are immunocompromised.

People who are Elderly are immunocompromised.

Herd immunity for most diseases is possible because of mass vaccinations (this is why you see so many "vaccinate yo kids!" memes on the internet, it's important and saves lives). Coronavirus is different to the diseases we have herd immunity for.

Corona has no vaccine as of yet.

The only way herd immunity will happen without a vaccine is through infection and recovery of the majority whilst a minority die due to the disease.

Approximately 42 million Brits would need to be infected for herd immunity to be effective against corona. With an approximate 2% fatality rate, 1.2 million people in the United Kingdom would die during this phase of obtaining herd immunity. These would be primarily disabled, elderly, and immunocompromised. But there would be those with undiagnosed health conditions who will die. You may think yourself healthy, family, or friends, but you could be blindsided by corona revealing a condition you didn't know you had and it could be the death of you.

This is why vaccination-based herd immunity is so important.

Corona is, in comparison to other diseases, not as deadly as you'd think, but it spreads fast and that is the risk of it. That's why the WHO advice for infected countries, and communities at risk of infection, is to self-isolate for two weeks (not just 7 days like the government has stated) and to engage in social distancing.

Avoid publicly crowded areas.

Cough into your elbow not the air.

Wash your hands for 20 seconds (the chorus of Mr Brightside works for timing).

Use a tissue if you sneeze.

Don't shake hands, wave in greeting.

If you feel sick, isolate yourself.

These are just a few, simple things you can do to both reduce the risk of infection and of spreading corona.

I know this post sounds very doom-and-gloom, but corona isn't the end of the world. It's a huge pandemic that the world wasn't ready for. That, with austerity and reductions to health services, is a huge strain on a strained system. But it's still something survivable.

You can recover from corona. It generally is just like a bad case of the flu. But even the flu can kill.

We need to be responsible and commit to rational, responsible behaviour. Don't ignore the threat just because you don't think you're at risk. We never think something bad will happen to us until it does.

[bisexual-rebekah]

so somehow despite masking and social distancing and being vaccinated i STILL got covid. yayyyyy. i just got my test results back.

to be fair, i'm only like 10% complaining in that first sentence. all things considered, i got off really easy. i felt like i had the flu really bad on the first three days (like misery level 9.5/10 for sure) and now i'd say i'm at a misery level of like 4/10 which is honestly pretty comfortable considering the alternative.

and i'm glad i went through the trouble of masking and social distancing whenever possible (and obvs I will continue to do so after isolation is over) and i'm glad i got vaxxed, because i'm guessing i got one of the way more severe/infectious variants like delta, gamma or lambda (since the vaccine would have protected me most from the original strain) so the fact that i'm vaxxed probably kept me out of the hospital and is the reason why i had such a mild case (comparably speaking); i have rheumatoid arthritis and am kinda immunocompromised to begin with, so since my main symptoms were basically just feeling *sick* e.g. horrible muscle aches, headache, nausea, fever (max temp was 101.6), nasal congestion, and a very mild cough (like literally i cough maybe once or twice every 12 hours), all things considered, i got off pretty easy.

so now i don't have to go back to work til next wednesday and i'm trying to stay in my room as much as i am able in hopes of not giving it to my parents, but considering i was infectious a few days before i was even symptomatic, and i have had symptoms for five days now, they should be showing symptoms today or in the next few days if they are symptomatic at all.

either way, my dad works from home and neither he nor my mom go out more than like once a week to run to the store so i think we should be good on the quarantine/isolation front. the main concern i have is my coworkers/patients, because my boss refused to let me call off on thursday or friday because we're so short-staffed we literally would have had to go 12 whole hours without a nurse if i hadn't come in. so, i just kept my distance, kept my mask on at all times, and washed my hands every five seconds. i even wore gloves when i got meds ready so nothing could touch my hands even on accident. i just hope i didn't get anyone else seriously ill or i will be heartbroken.

sooooo long story short i'll probably be around more the next week or so since i'll be bored af and won't have work to keep me busy.

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Pairings: Roman x His Mystery Boyfriend

Word Count: 1,459 Words

Summary: Deceit loves his dog, grocery shopping, and the anxiety twins drop off the dark sides something special.

Warnings: Sex Mentions, Cursing, Death Mention, Food Mention, Slight Body Horror Kind Of?, Sick Character, Immunocompromised Character, Aggressive Affection (aka Virgil’s way of showing love), Drug Mention, let me know if I should tag anything else.

Note: This chapter is pre-SvS, by the way. Bolded and blockquoted are actions in their chatroom, not a message.

Usernames, a quick translation guide: Andy: Raccoon Man (the trashiest hero), Dayd: carniverousroomba, Dice: Dr. Bitch, Emile: Thera-pissed, Janus: SnekBoi, Logan: Momgan, October: eatpavementido, Patton: Papa Bear, Pryce: SwEeTvErUcA, Remus: Octopussy, Remy: Coffee Bandit, Roman: waaahluigi, Teal: uwu, Thomas: shrexy, Virgil: spipples

A Very Sanders Group Chat: Chapter 5

8:46AM

SnekBoi: I love Boogey, he's the light of my life and I would kill a man for him if he needed me to.

shrexy: Your dog? What happened?

SnekBoi: My absolute greatest boy ever just helped me get up and I owe him the world and maybe some extra snacks because he's not used to helping me get up anymore but he did it anyway.

Octopussy: you absolute fool, you full well know I would've come up and helped you but you have the dog help?

SnekBoi: I severely doubt you wanted me to wait to get up just so I could puke on you.

Octopussy: fair enough.

spipples: I just can't believe you have to give up another two plus years for this same bullshit again.

SnekBoi: I'll be fine. I've did this before, I can do it again.

spipples: I just hate that you have to do it all over again.

SnekBoi: Well, I did the month's stay in the hospital again right before I started working again and I was on my second stage of treatment, but I'm getting re-admitted for another month tomorrow, since my progress is now going backward ever since my fever and there's no signs yet that the first treatment worked so I'll have to do that stage again.

Dr. Bitch: Yeah, I wanna get you through the treatment again because, otherwise, it won't go away and, as much as I love you, I really don't wanna see you every day if if means I'm seeing you not healthy and I sure as hell don't wanna see you close to your deathbed.

SnekBoi: I know, healthy is the goal, I get it. Anyway, I have some exhaustion to deal with, I feel like a corpse.

Octopussy: cool, can I do an autopsy on you?

SnekBoi: If it means death, I will accept.

Dr. Bitch: There will be no autopsies on my patient, you bone-headed little shit.

Octopussy: fine. but I'm still bringing him breakfast so he might feel better.

SnekBoi: What's breakfast?

Octopussy: well, I got you the ginger candy you like, first of all. and I made you the bagels you like and I might possibly sneak you extra non-dairy cream cheese and I made Boogey a treat bowl since I know you don't keep good boy treats in your room.

SnekBoi: I love you.

Octopussy: I know you do.

SnekBoi and Octopussy are offline

shrexy: I hope whatever that treatment he's having works this time.

spipples: Well, Inny and Dice are doing their best so we just have to trust they know what they're doing. Knowing they've accomplished making him healthy once, makes it easy to believe that they can do it again.

spipples: This time, it just has a lot more stuff because last time his month's hospital stay worked and nothing hitched like his fever last week. Or at least it didn't until he was farther in the treatment when he was starting to push himself again.

waaahluigi: Can we talk about something else?

spipples; Well, I need to go food shopping today, who wants to go with me?

SwEeTvErUcA: I'll go, I need a few things for dinner.

carniverousroomba: Yeah sure, I need to get me some good candy for my Netflix binge tonight.

Papa Bear: I can't to go because I'm busy at work but if you guys can pick me up a loaf of bread and just have someone bring it to me, I'll pay you back.

spipples: If you can make me a decent meal for work when cooking is hard for you, Pat, I think I can buy you a loaf of bread and deliver it to my hard-working dad.

Papa Bear: Oh, it's okay, I want to pay you back! Virge, you always get stuck bringing me food or picking me up things, I feel bad!

spipples: Did I ask you to pay me back?

Papa Bear: No, but I want to!

spipples: I didn't ask you to because money isn't a factor, Patton, You need to eat at work. I won't have you pulling a 12 hour shift without food because Nathaniel isn't there anymore. You need to get some food in your system, feeding yourself is important, Patton. And, if you try to sneak money into my wallet, pockets, or otherwise, I can and will put it back.

Dr. Bitch: Virgil's really out here screaming that food is important. I love that your brand of aggressive affection is still going.

spipples: It never stopped being aggressively affectionate, Dice.

waaahluigi: I need some things, I'll go.

eatpavementido: Please pick me up exactly four tiny pumpkins and a tbe of black paint for them.

spipples: Alrighty there cryptid.

10:10 AM

Momgan: If you're currently at the store, please bring me home coffee before I die from lack of caffeine.

spipples: hey, you, you're finally awake!

waaahluigi: Quick question, what aisle are you in? Because I'm going to come over there and punch you.

spipples: Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?

shrexy: Oh no, he's in meme mode today.

spipples: Maybe.

Momgan: Please. Just pick up coffee, any form of coffee and I swear  to god, I'll make you whatever you want for dinner.

spipples: Pizza and nuggets.

Momgan: Done.

Thera-pissed: I feel like I just witnessed a drug deal.

Coffee Bandit: You did. But it's a drug deal for food.

Thera-pissed: Yeah, I figured that out.

12:17PM

Momgan: I have caffeine, I am now human again.

uwu: Good because I'm lonely, come cuddle.

Momgan: Ah, drawn back into the hell of a day off in bed by my own brother. What treachery is this?

uwu: The good kind, now come cuddle me, I'm cold, goddammit.

Momgan: Fine.

shrexy: Wait, you have a brother?

Momgan: Yes, Teal, your teacher character from your short videos is my brother. He may not be a side, but, since our function initially was similar, your mind connected us as brothers just as it has with Virgil and Andy, Roman and Pryce, and Patton and Dayd.

shrexy: Huh, learning something new about you guys every day.

Momgan: I know, I find it rather fun that you're learning so easily.

2:43PM

Raccoon Man (the trashiest hero): Thought I'd share my dumbass little brother being cute because why not die today.

Raccoon Man (the trashiest hero): virgilinaflowercrown.jpg

Raccoon Man (the trashiest hero): virgilinadress.jpg

Raccoon Man (the trashiest hero): virgilinaflowermaze.jpg

Octopussy: are you outside our house.

Raccoon Man (the trashiest hero): Delivering food.

SnekBoi: Aw, you two are so thoughtful!

spipples: Well, we gotta help you two somehow and your garden won't sustain two weeks isolation. We've tried that, remember? The week of potatoes?

Octopussy: I know. I just don't have the heart to go because it's always so crowded and I can't risk getting Dee sick.

spipples: And now you don't have to, And we washed everything once, just in case so there's no germs coming into the house.

SnekBoi: I wish I could hug you two.

Raccoon Man (the trashiest hero): Don't, focus on yourself.

SnekBoi: I know. But still, thank you.

spipples: And no going off on a "you'll pay me back" spiel, I already did that with Patton and the answer is no, you cannot pay me back because I'm trying to help you get better and I don't want to be repaid for helping you out when you definitely need it.

SnekBoi: You little shit, I love you.

spipples: The feeling is mutual, you funky little snake.

3:01PM

Octopussy: is this half pre-cooked food, half stuff from the store? why?

spipples: Well, we know that you're both really busy right now so we made you food like you used to make us food when we were really busy.

Raccoon Man (the trashiest hero): And don't worry, we made sure it was all healthy for Dee.

Octopussy: how long did this take you and how much did this cost you!? this is like an entire fridge and freezer of food!

spipples: Let's just say I took the last couple days off and I worked really late last week.

Octopussy: you didn't need to do that.

spipples: You're right, I wanted to.

Octopussy: you're so lucky Dee's asleep or he'd be telling you off for pulling a stunt like this.

spipples: I fully expect to be chewed out later, don't worry.

spipples: Just let me do something while you guys need it, you didn't have this kind of help the first time and I don't want to let this time be like that again, especially when I can help you.

Octopussy: I'd have hugged you if I wasn't isolating, you lovable little shit.

spipple: Love you too, Inny, you amazing jackass.

Taglist: @glaxyjellyfish @chronophobica @fear-ze-queer

[pathcend]

How thorough is your pandemic vocab?

In the past 60 days, I’m sure most of us have consumed enough COVID-19 data and media to last a LIFETIME. However, there are still a few terms that deserve a thorough review, a few are listed below (compliments of the Summit Medical Group). 

Apex - The peak of infections.

When discussing COVID-19: Refers to the highest number of cases in a state or country, after which the rate of infection begins to slow. In our area, we have not yet reached apex.

Asymptomatic - Showing no evidence of disease/illness. When discussing COVID-19: Just because a person is asymptomatic doesn’t mean they aren’t infected with COVID-19.

Community Spread - Spread of a disease where the infection source is unknown. When discussing COVID-19: At this point there is community spread in NJ and NY, meaning there are people who have the infection without any typical risks of contracting the virus, such as travel or exposure to a known infected person.

Coronavirus - A family of viruses that cause illness ranging from the common cold to more severe diseases.

When discussing COVID-19: The novel (new) coronavirus that emerged in late 2019 has been named SARS-CoV-2 and causes the disease known as COVID-19.

COVID-19 - Name of the disease caused by the novel coronavirus.

COVID-19 is short for COronaVIrus Disease-2019.

Flatten the curve - The curve represents the number of cases over time. Flattening that curve means preventing a surge of new cases in a very short period.

When discussing COVID-19: By flattening the curve of the COVID-19 spread, we reduce the number of patients who are ill from the disease at any one time so that we do not overwhelm the health care system.

Immunocompromised - Having an impaired or compromised immune response.

When discussing COVID-19: People may be immunocompromised due to an underlying condition or due to a medication they are taking for a condition. Being immunocompromised may put a person at higher risk for COVID-19.

Pandemic - A disease prevalent throughout an entire country, continent, or the whole world. A pandemic is an epidemic that has spread over a large area.

When discussing COVID-19: The World Health Organization (WHO) uses pandemic to refer to new diseases people do not have immunity for that have spread worldwide. The WHO has declared the coronavirus outbreak a pandemic.

Self-quarantine - Choosing or volunteering to isolate out of caution.

When discussing COVID-19: Individuals who have been exposed to the new coronavirus and who are at risk for contracting COVID-19 might practice self-quarantine. Health experts recommend that self-quarantine lasts 14 days.

Social/Physical Distancing - Measures that reduce contact between large groups of people. 

When discussing COVID-19: Given the community spread of disease, this means minimizing contact with any people that you don’t need to be in contact with. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) specifically recommends maintaining six feet between people.

Quarantine - Strict isolation imposed to prevent the spread of disease.

When discussing COVID-19: To help stop the spread, people have been placed into quarantine when they are not currently sick but have been or may have been exposed to the virus.

Virus - An infectious agent that replicates only within the cells of living hosts.

When discussing COVID-19: A virus that spreads through droplets expelled after coughing, sneezing, exhaling, or talking from the mouth and/or nose of a person who has the virus.

[dogsliampaynedoesntinstagram]

Hi Ralph! You talked a few times how you were adjusting to the different Covid situation in New Zealand, how are you now? You've been back about six months right? Would you say you're mostly back to normal, pre-pandemic behaviour/feeling? If so, how did you get there? Because the numbers in my country (in Europe) are very low at the moment, even with the Delta variant being dominant, and a lot of the restrictions are lifted. I'm even already fully vaccinated and yet seeing the football stadiums so full during the Euro etc and imagining myself in a big crowd freaks me out so much I can't even really enjoy being allowed to do things again. At the same time it's probably going to get worse again after the summer, so I feel like I should take advantage of the possibilities now...

Thanks for your ask anon - I think the transition periods are incredibly difficult and I have huge sympathy for what you're trying to navigate.

I'm really glad that you're vaccinated and the numbers are low where you are.

I'm mostly back to normal now. A couple of months ago I realised that most of the stress I was feeling wasn't about COVID or adjusting to life after COVID, but the more mundane stress of having had to move home under circumstances of my own choosing and having no idea what I was doing with my life.

It did take time - a lot of time. And I think in some ways my situation was a lot simpler than yours. I knew what I was moving into. New Zealand had been without COVID restrictions for months and had dealt with border incursions. I didn't have to second guess whether what I was doing was safe, just concentrate on the way my brain was freaking out.

While I think you can be very confident in the vaccine that you've received, the larger question of how your society operates now there are very few restrictions and lots of vaccinated people.

I'm going to give you some advice - it may or may not apply, but hopefully it'll help you filter through some stuff. The first thing to do is just listen to your anxiety for a while - what's going on? Are you afraid of getting sick? Are you afraid of infecting other people? If it's not about the virus itself - how new is this? Is this an escalation of pre-existing social anxiety? Or the result of being so isolated?

If the anxiety is about the virus, information helps. Having a good idea about how the vaccines work, and how the virus passes on can really help you figure out what sort of risks you're willing to take. (If you don't have a good handle on this - and there hasn't been good information in a lot of places just let me know and I'll share some of the resources I've found most useful. In the meantime I love this Spanish infographic and this Scottish ad).

New Zealand has a travel bubble with Australia (or most of Australia at hte moment). When there was an outbreak in Melbourne a couple of months back, I realised that I was really anxious, because cases could pop up here without people knowing. I decided that I was going to only meet people with the windows open in the meantime (and I'm considering getting a CO2 monitor to have a proxy measure of ventilation). I won't do this once I'm fully vaccinated, but right now my philsophy is 'I didn't come all this way to catch COVID in NZ'. (One of the reasons that I'm pretty cautious is that I have immunocompromised people that are very important to me and I really want to push down the risks of passing it on to them).

Which is all to say, if it's about the disease - you get to choose your own level of risk - and lessening risk doesn't mean that you have to avoid all social interaction.

But it won't all be about the disease, some of it will just be about the experience of being around a lot of people all at once. I remember very early on saying: 'You know what's the exact opposite of being in my flat on my own for 10 months? An hour with my 4 & 6 year old nieblings.' And then I went and lay down for half an hour, even thought they were still there.

Here are my thoughts on what helped.

1. Start with things you want to do and know you will enjoy doing. I found that spending time with the people I was closest to - and also casual acquaintances where we could chat a bit without much pressure was most satisfying. There were people who I really like, but have some history with, and I was like 'you know what these people can wait'.

2. Start with things that you can leave when you want. Casual events and your own transport (or chill out space) make a huge difference. Knowing that you can leave can make it much easier to stay.

3. Treat it as an experiment - some things that you find difficult might surprise you. I went to a stand-up comedy gig - and the comedian used a lot of awkwardness in her humour. And I realised that I'd been impossibly tense the whole time and hadn't enjoyed it. I had spent most of ten months alone and my boundaries with other people's emotions had lessened. I think it'll be a while before I go back to anything where awkardness is a feature.

I would also try and not put too much emphasis on 'I have to do things now, because things will get worse'. You don't know that. More people in your country are being vaccinated every day, so things could very well get better. And even if it does turn out to be true - it doesn't help. Putting pressure on yourself doesn't help you figure out what you want and how to navigate difficult situations. Don't think about what you should do - ask yourself what you want to do.