aijee

[aijee]

hey there! i just finished the LONG, pending binge-reading session dedicated to all your meanie fics i've hoarded in my bookmarks! it's really baffling how well you capture the little things about the human mind which we often don't pay attention to -- even if all of it is right there for us to see. that is a quality i've wanted to incorporate into my writing as well. (well, incorporating the detailing will also help me academically, so i get to kill two birds with one stone :) )

hope this finds you well!

Hello! Your message does find me well! I'm sorry it's taken a while to reply. I know everyone says "no rush, don't even worry about responding" but I find it to be a basic courtesy to bounce something back, especially if someone has gone out of their way to send an Internet stranger a message outside of my AO3 repertoire.

Alas, there are many of those "little things about the human mind" swirling in my skull. Maybe writing fanfic helps me get some of them out. I'm overflowing with words! A blessing and a curse, given my writing tends to be detailed but also very wordy.

Thank you for reading my humble little stories and taking the time to write. I appreciate you! Best of luck on your academic journey! ❤️

[aijee]

Hello! First of all, forgive my english as it's not my first language. Also, I had Tumblr for only a few months and have never done this (I've reblogged as those seem easy enough, but commenting or 'asking' is very daunting for some reason lol) so forgive me if I'm going about it all wrong.

All that aside, I felt compelled to write this after reading your broken compass post. I recently found your fics on Ao3 a few months ago, and you have no idea how much they tugged my heart out, broke it into pieces and put it back together again (this is NOT an exaggeration.) And now that I have tumblr, I followed you without a second thought :D

Think of this as a letter from a concerned stranger who finds comfort in your writing and only wishes the best for you.

College(or university? Whatever. Higher education. There) is hard and stupid and necessary. As a college student who is currently repeating her first year, all I can say is; I wish I'd done better.

Being a medic student is hard. Being a burned out medic student with less than a milligram of passion for medicine is even harder. Expectations stacked on you and failures after failures added onto the pile, it's safe to say I'm barely holding on.

But as they all say, this too shall pass. Rather obvious, but I'm bad with words so I'm trying my best here. This isn't supposed to be about me ranting about my problems to you, I intended for it to be a little more: "Hey, I'm experiencing something similar. You're not alone." I hope I succeeded.

I don't know what you're facing in your life right now (that is, if you even see this. I didn't bother to check the last time you updated here. I'm crossing my fingers.) , but I could only hope you'll find your calm. I'd say "happiness", but, as someone who's been at the bottom of the barrel (still am), all I ever wanted was a little bit of peace.

Whatever, whenever or wherever you find your peace, I hope they stay with you, until you're ready to find your happiness. Stay strong and take care of yourself. It's tempting to drown in that self pity and guilt and those negative thoughts, believe me, I know. But like everyone on the internet suggested, start small— don't forget to drink your water, take a walk, etc. etc. Again, rather obvious.

You don't have to reply (is this how you do it?), but if you're reading this I could only hope you find some comfort in it, no matter how small.

Your writings will stay in mind FOREVER. This isn't a promise but more like my destiny. Whatever you decide for yourself, you'll do great. Have a great day :) For the rest of your days (that sounds like you're dying, sorry it wasn't a threat)

Belated hello, anon. First of all, never apologize for your English! Knowing multiple languages is an incredible feat and imo nativity has no significant bearing on portraying your kind sentiments. Don't let colonialism make you think you're less-than based on your English skills. ;)

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to a fellow stranger on the Internet, let alone write with vulnerability. It's messages like yours that remind me that there are good, kind, and lovingly imperfect people on the Internet who care for one another. Even though we don't know each other, we understand each other in a way, and it's hard to forget that inherent part of human connection when it feels like everything is on fire all the time.

Regardless of where you are in life right now (of which I wish you all the best), you've chosen to do a kind thing and you've chosen to bring more positivity into the universe. Thank you. :) Please take care of yourself as well!

[aijee]

hi aijee, i'm thinking of you out of the blue today! just wanted to thank you for sharing your writing. it's been an absolute joy and privilege to read your works. no matter how many years have passed, no matter how many times i revisit them, the stories you've told never fail to touch my heart. i hope you're doing well wherever you are in life, and above all, i wish you happiness and good health ♡

What a lovely message! Thank you for making my days brighter with it. My heart feels warm knowing my stories are worth returning to after all these years. Honestly and truly, I'm grateful for kind people like you who remind me that I'm putting a little more happiness into the universe. <3

[aijee]

hello!! i hope life has been treating you well. i've personally been revisiting a lot of fic/ online spaces that really shaped who i am today in an ongoing journey of ✨self reflection✨, which brought me back here and to your fics ! just wanted to express just much i appreciated your writing and how it made/makes me feel. hope life continues splendidly ! (is there any chance we can get another life update 😮)

CW: mental health

So uh...here's that life update, perhaps? Extremely belated, but I feel like that's par for the course for me at this point. :')

First of all, I'm proud of you for being in this ongoing journey of self-reflection. It can be such a struggle sometimes, but the growth is worth it. Second, fanfiction is a medium so near and dear to my heart, and I will defend it till my last dying breath from anyone who denigrates or thinks they're "above" it! Stepping off that soap box, it truly makes me so happy to learn that my humble ramblings have helped in your own journey of self-reflection. They've certainly helped in mine. <3

Right now, I'm working very hard on improving my mental health, and I do think I've made big strides in the last year. Balancing that with remediations in grad school have been difficult (in addition to finances, me living in the US and family living in our home country, politics, etc.) But I try to give myself grace; if anyone else were to be in the same situation, I'd probably give them far more.

We're taking it one day at a time. Try to sleep enough every day, remember to eat, remember to hydrate, get some sun, etc. It sounds simple, perhaps. But compared to a time when those things weren't so easy, it feels like a series of small accomplishments that remind me I'm capable of continuing my day.

Thank you so much for checking in on me! Your message really makes my heart sing. <3

[aijee]

it's that time of year

CW: mental health

It feels like an annual event, posting on this account. This time around, I’m grateful to be in a place in my life where I can look forward to it.

Writing has been and continues to be a vital part of how I interact with the world, digital and otherwise, and fanfiction, especially. It seems like a silly thing to acknowledge, given the reputation of fanfiction outside fandom circles, maybe even more so with K-Pop RPF. Being surrounded by brilliant and academic minds all day, I’ve often wondered if I should be more invested in hobbies like intensive research, local sports leagues, learning a new language or joining a humanitarian cause. 

But fanfiction is simply such a balm for my soul that I can’t bring myself to care.

It’s no exaggeration to say fanfic has kept me tethered to joy and whimsy in a period where nothing but struggle, failure, and shame have eaten at me. I’ve always leaned towards writing than reading fanfiction since my LiveJournal days, but I’ve probably consumed more stories in the last few years than I ever have in all my years before then. Being host to so many minority identities in today’s America, struggling with graduate studies, and dealing with the ramifications of upsetting family events—I’ve felt defeated and lonely for quite a long time.

In the decade I’ve been writing and posting on the Internet, I think it’s only now I’m understanding how much of a pillar fanfiction is to fandom culture, which itself is now an integral part of the Internet as a whole. Those “bedtime stories” made me happy, even if only temporarily. They helped me fall asleep because I couldn’t on my own. What fanfiction may lack in professional editing is more than fulfilled with the love and sincerity funneled into every sentence someone personally crafted. I would feel soothed enough to rest. 

I don’t know how to explain it. There’s just so much joy in witnessing someone else’s acts of selfish creativity. Writing is growth: improving technical communication skills; connecting with others; processing personal experiences; owning sexuality, and many more, I’m sure. With nearly every fanfic is an author better off for writing it. What is the purpose of fanfiction if not to create and share joy? I’ve chosen to romanticize it, and it’s truly helped heal my heart when it hurt too much to breathe.

Of course, healing takes a lot more work than silly stories written by strangers on the Internet (shout-out to my therapist, the kindest and gentlest person in the world.) I’m not quite healed yet, either. But I think I’m relearning how to write selfishly again. I’m making my own joy and whimsy, and giving myself permission to keep them. 

I’m not myself without an overabundance of sentimentality—and here it is, slowly but surely filling my cup anew. Fuck, I’ve really, really missed this. I’m not sure if I’m happy, but I think I’m getting there, and I think there’s joy to be had in knowing that, too.

[aijee]

revisiting gratitude

Rereading comments and bookmark notes is an incredible honor and pleasure. If anyone who has ever given me written feedback sees this—please know that I am infinitely, incredibly grateful and have almost certainly read your kind words multiple, multiple times.

In moments that feel especially low, I revisit AO3 to remind myself of the good I can put into the world, that my effort to create something and put myself out there can have meaning to others and positively impact their day.

What a lovely privilege it is to have a generous cache to pick from on rainy days. I promise I don't take it for granted.

[aijee]

a broken compass

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to dust this little blog off, if even for a moment. Sure, I'm reminded of this part of my life, having just posted a new story, so returning to this home base (alongside AO3, of course) may have been inevitable.

To the void: here's a small update. (TW: mental health, existentialism)

The last few years have been rough, to say the least. I think my mental health has hit all-time lows in just the last 12 months. I've been consumed with questions about my career, difficult family dynamics, a fluctuating sense of self that feels so contingent on what's expected of me rather than what I really want—which is what? I don't know, honestly. I feel like a college freshman again, having existential crises about choices I felt so sure about before.

Being here is a bit of an escape and a place to share my thoughts with an imaginary audience.

I feel so wracked with nihilism and doubts about how meaningful life can really be. Continuing my life now as-is feels like willingly sitting in a burning building, hoping someone will save me because jumping out the window is still too scary.

I've faced some difficult failures and difficult realizations about certain relationships recently. Being raised on the value of academic/financial/material success rather than hard work paints failure as apocalyptic. Objectively, if I were talking to a friend in the same situation, I'd say failures aren't failures, they're learning experiences. Life doesn't end in your 30's. There is still time to figure things out. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

It's hard to think this way in the trenches of self-pity and worry. There is only one way forward for me in my current circumstance, so it's also hard to simply leave in addition to locking away these deeply-felt feelings of mine in order to move forward as unhindered as possible.

Academic distress. Chronic health struggles. Relationship and family conflicts. Being alone in all of it.

I have no doubts about close, truly unconditional friendships in my life. Still, they live on the other side of the country. They can't live my life for me. They can't take my exams, do my research, handle my laundry list of a million things to do and question the terrors conjured in my own head.

It's tough. It's really tough, probably the toughest time in my life so far. Strangely, though, there is a little joy to be had with returning to writing fanfic for a bit. Rereading stories I've loved before, even written, is comforting in a way that feels solely personal. None of it for the sake of others, just for me. A little joy is still joy.

[aijee]

hi aijee!! i just binged all your meanie work even though i should be studying for finals oops and i love all your work sm can i spend 5 minutes inside your brain <3 you write about the complexity of the human psyche so well and some of the lines in idotsc brought me so much comfort as a newborn adult stumbling their way through life :') especially how joshua and wonwoo navigated doing something quite different from what their younger selves had envisioned and finding joy in it nonetheless!! i wanted to be a writer when i was younger but i didn't end up doing anything close to that (mostly bc i realized i'm an alright academic writer but a lousy creative writer lol); the way you write is so beautifully fluid and immersive and what i imagine i would have aspired to be like as an author, so tysm for letting prepubescent me live vicariously through that i'm sorry if this makes no sense or sounds weird sjhdfkljsfk now i'm doing a stem degree (peak asian moment) and i used to wistfully fantasize a lot about what my life would be like if i had actually given writing a serious attempt, but idots helped me be at peace with myself; i love the degree i'm doing, and i think i'm ready to let go of the death grip i had on all those what-ifs and just enjoy the reality i'm living out rn :) anw i hope life is treating you well and that you're happy and healthy <3 thank you for the chicken soup for the soul and the reprieve from studying xx

Reading fic instead of studying?? Classique. I strongly relate haha.

I see myself in your message, truly. I've wanted to be a writer, and a part of me certainly still yearns to one day officially publish something. I'm also in a STEM field! Though, maybe paradoxically, my academic writing could certainly use improvement. I end up doing creative writing more because STEM work is so fucking exhausting, isn't it? It feels like creative writing is my last thread of sanity in a field where Asians are a dime a dozen.

The love for IDOTSC in my inbox is so heartwarming. It's a piece of writing I hold so close to my heart because of my own experiences with stumbling through life, academics, career, and relationships while parading as a, as you phrased nicely, "newborn adult." IDOTSC was a platform for me to work on being at peace with myself, too, and be content with simply living life as it happens. I don't think my deathbed self would be happier if I were to be unforgiving with the course of my life.

Thank you for your kindness and vulnerability. :) I'm grateful to know there are people like you in the world because you're also a reminder to enjoy the now.

[aijee]

Merry Christmas Aijee :) Been re-reading your works, which I came across to since 2020, and it still gives me the joy and leaves me breathless. I hope you're doing well. And I hope the universe is now kinder to you in all ways. Thank you, as always, for the timeless stories.

Merry belated Christmas, anon!

Honestly, I revisit my fics sometimes, too, and I love exploring the timeline of my favorite authors to see how much their writing has changed. I'm glad to hear that some things I've written are "timeless."

The universe and life have been difficult, not going to lie, and it's largely the reason why I'm even more offline than I usually am. I'm taking it one day at a time. We'll get to a place where things will be better. :)

[aijee]

what books do u read? i enjoy reading ur writing and i want to learn so much more abt the things u enjoy reading

Way too much fanfiction—K-pop fics for indulgence; fics of published works and licensed properties for technique and prose; and anime fics on occasion for somewhere in between lol.

I've been really invested in exploring classics and psychological thrillers, especially in comics and manga, e.g. Saga, Blame!, 21st Century Boys. I've been absolutely obsessed with After God, a more recent manga. It's visually GORGEOUS and I'm so fucking hooked on the story.

I used to have a screenwriting, screenplay, and theater play phase. Big love for Tom Stoppard. I mainly roam around the Internet and look into what seems interesting. E.g. Lots of K-pop idols are in musicals! And I listened to the Hamilton album on repeat for at least a solid week straight.

Albert Camus was a short-lived but very intense hyper-fixation from high school to college haha. Beautiful writing and really makes ya think. Writing in the realm of philosophy is great not only for enjoyment imo, but also for learning new words and phrasing.

Slam poetry was my jam for so long. Something about the artistry of the writing combined with intentional verbal presentations is absolute magic. I used to just watch slam poetry vids on YouTube for hours.

Hopefully, that helps a little! Honestly, I have a pretty eclectic taste in the things I consume. I'm a chronic Wikipedia surfer, for better and for worse...

[aijee]

AAAAHHHHHHHHHH haaaiii this is a very lengthy message because I have so much to say and I hope you take time to read.

so I found in defense of the side character through twitter recs, and I've been looking for actor!mg and writer!ww for so long, it felt like fate.

and then I read it in one sitting because I could not put it down (on epub because there was also a power outage in my area). I slept at 4am because I just can't sleep thinking about what could happen next.

your writing is very similar to that of my favorite books, and I absolute loved the parallels between the jaechung couple and minwon. PLUS THE WW SHIP TRAIN WKEJDIDKDOE SURPRISE AFTER ANOTHER I WAS SEATEEEDDD!!

Jun being the lovliest man (even with their confrontation scene I think he was still very lovely), Soonyoung being my fav ride or die bestie in the med field, Chae being our fav workplace ally, Jihoon peptalker, and the absolute genius that is CEO Jeonghan, just from the side characters I'm already super enthralled, but how you wrote Minwon and the progression of their relationship is my absolute most fav part.

I have plenty more to say but maybe I'll comment them on ao3 once I reread the fic (probably right now). I'm just very glad that I found your work and I can't wait to read the others sidhdidjdksks. anw hope you're doing well😊😊

My goodness, this is so sweet of you! IDOTSC has a very special place in my heart for being my first attempt at really planning out a story with multiple coinciding storylines. Plus the actor/writer/film industry AU is something I'm also always craving, so it's a win-win. I'm very glad you enjoyed it! Putting the SVT characters in their roles was a big part of the fun, for sure.

I'd love to know what "favorite books" you're referring to! I'm a sucker for learning what people enjoy reading. I may not get and read the full books tbh, but I do enjoy poring through whatever is on the internet about those readings for some reason haha.

Thank you so much for such a kind message. :) It warmed my heart to reread this (considering how long it's been since your message was sent hahaha)

[aijee]

hi aijee! i happened to chance one of your works, the price of mirrors, a few months back and was really mesmerised by the way you write! I managed to find your tumblr through the embeded link in your ending notes, and read through the blogpost about that work too and im now ploughing through your works and binging them hh.. im always so insanely impressed with your very admirable range of lexicon and its really inspiring to see the way you write ^__^ i dont really have a.. specific point i want to make but i just wanted to thank you for putting these works out into the world, and how they've really gotten me interested in the intricacies of writing. i genuinely have a great lot of respect for you and your writing, so thank you so much :D

Thank you so much! I'm very flattered by your kind words, and the time and courage it takes to send this kind of message to a fellow Internet stranger. Though writing fanfic is relatively rare now in my personal life (at least compared to when I was younger and had more free time lol), it's the warm reception in fanfiction that gave me the courage to write and improve on my writing the way I have!

Even if this reply is rather...late haha, I'm honestly grateful to have the opportunity to return to this wonderful message. <3

[aijee]

A Major Update

Hi all, long time no write.

I have made the executive decision to lock my works to only AO3 registered users. Only registered users can comment as well. Whether true or not, there is a big scare right now with AI developers mining creators’ works without their consent for AI learning (not just with writing, but digital artists as well, without consent):

https://www.reddit.com/r/AO3/comments/z9apih/sudowrites_scraping_and_mining_ao3_for_its/

I could go on a very long rant about how inhumane and against the very principle of human creation these technological developments are. I also have a lot of negative feelings about “tech bros”, bred in a society of capitalism and greed, trying to automate and profit from one of the most soulful aspects of the human experience. But I’m sure you’ll easily find similar, more eloquent opinions with even cursory searches on the matter.

Fanfiction is still art. It is still legitimate writing. It still has meaning for both readers and writers. It is created from a place of love, exploration, and connection—for FREE. It’s just so frustrating and sad to think that a world born from a unique love and sense of community will be stolen for the 1% to fuel their greed under the guise of making “tools” for the people they will end up making extinct.

This isn’t a stance I will be changing any time soon. Thank you for your understanding and respect for artists, writers and creators who deserve it.

[aijee]

hello! just came to see how you've been doing lately. I really enjoy your writing and I always re-read your works. You're one of the first fanfic writers I found and I love what you create. I hope you're doing great.

Hi there anon! I'm doing alright, thank you for asking. Seeing the notification email for this message helped me remember my Tumblr account haha.

I'm swept in the midst of grad school applications and it's quite stressful. Being a young, working international student in an ongoing pandemic in America, whose digital world is an absolute trash-fire right now, with further professional and academic desires makes each day a challenge. Part of why my online presence is so minimal is because my stormy mind has enjoyed stepping away from the computer/the Internet. Journaling by hand in a notebook is so relaxing! (I have a dangerous infatuation with fountain pens now.) My craving to write is somewhat satiated, even if in the form of brain dumps.

I, too, revisit my fics once in a while, cringing and swooning in equal measure! The comments especially bring me joy. I miss writing, posting and interacting with fellow fanfic readers and writers. I have a backlog of ideas. Alas, burnout weighs heavily on my shoulders, and has been for the whole year. Still, I'm grateful for your words and for remembering me. I also remember the K-Pop fanfic word fondly and hope to return soon. ❤️

[aijee]

Life update 9/10

CW: COVID/illness, mental health

Hi, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

First of all, welcome to all you lovely new followers. Full disclosure (and gentle reminder for anyone else following), I’ve sort of fallen off the writing mood for a while, so if you’re here for Seventeen, Meanie or fanfic content, it will be pretty rare, if that wasn’t evident already. But if you’re here to keep up with my life once in a while, I appreciate your time and attention. :)

Second, I still strongly believe that we’re in a pandemic. I’m still appalled at the lack of empathy, respect and protection towards immunocompromised, disabled, chronically ill, socioeconomically disadvantaged, marginalized people in a country (America for me) that would rather us go back to work and make money than ensure everyone is safe and can comfortably return to their daily lives without feeling like their life is actively threatened. I’ve felt a lot of disillusionment towards my workplace, country (of which I am now a citizen, ironically) and life goals lately, which has been difficult after so many years of aspiring to learn, live and work here.

Part of that disillusionment is having gotten COVID recently. Like many Asians, I grew up in a multigenerational household, and that habit of thinking about how my actions affect my elders is ingrained. I couldn’t bear to leave my apartment, but my workplace and institution insisted that I return to work after a really short isolation period—in my mind, prioritizing the work to be done over (1) my health and comfort, (2) how my coerced presence would affect others more vulnerable down the line. It was really hard going against my morals because I had to pay bills and eat. Still wearing masks and diligently sanitizing/washing hands until now, surrounded by people who don’t makes me feel like a fucking crazy person. Am I the only one who still cares? Am I the only one who still sees the COVID numbers? It’s honestly really jarring to feel so disconnected from the reality around you.

I was not in a good mental place, having COVID. Obviously being ill and in bed most of the time is not a good experience, but I also live alone. The pandemic has been and continues to be wrought with loneliness; I try my best to supplement that with video calls with friends and texting family. But to be ill and without close support where you live is downright scary and extremely melancholy. To be young and alone in a city full of people is so very sad.

For better and for worse, I finally got a doctor’s diagnosis for my mental health struggles and am starting on medication for the first time (which happened at the same time as getting COVID—imagine how that experience was, oof). It’s both scary and relieving to hear what I imagined was what I was dealing with for a while. 

This, alongside COVID, has been making me extremely tired almost all days. I use up all my energy to survive at work, keep up a face and do my job well. I use up all my energy talking to friends, being genuinely happy to see them and chatting the night away. But outside of that, I’m left with scraps to do things for myself beyond the bare minimum of eating, sleeping and cleaning. I’m trying not to judge myself for it. As my therapist keeps saying: “It just is, and that’s okay. You’re okay.” Many are in similar positions, just doing their best to get by day-to-day. But it doesn’t make me less of a person or less worth of existing.

Funny thing is that I fell of off Seventeen and GoSe, which I used to watch religiously back in the day, some time in the pandemic when things got rough and K-Pop just wasn’t the healthy comfort place it used to be. Since getting COVID, I spent so much of my sick days watching these silly boys doing silly things. It was a joy to reconnect with the joy they gave before and give me again. I didn’t intend to write about these difficult experiences of mine, but it felt appropriately full-circle to mention on this blog that SVT has been an indispensable, wonderful comfort for me lately. I missed them so much. I’m grateful for what they do because I don’t think I could’ve gotten through the last several weeks without them.

Maybe by writing this, it’ll help me remember: I’m doing my best. And that’s okay. I’m okay.

[aijee]

Aijee, the latest Going Seventeen content (07/20) is Wonwoo's documentary debut. And my mind just wenT "lkjdlaskjdlas it's IDOTSC CAME TO LIFE" so yeap. Thank you for summoning this, and thank you gose team for giving us the actual visual for this fic HAHAH! (also, we miss you, terribly).

Oops!! Same anon. I mixed up a price of mirrors and idotsc HAHAHAHAHAHA but anyways… how does it feel to have both mingyu and wonwoo characters come to life (closer to being real than your other stories)!! The host!mingyu having a reference and now documentarian!wonwoo 😍🫶

Classic me, replying over a month later haha. It's been a long year so far for me outside of the Internet, so I appreciate that you still remember me! I've been bingeing and rewatching the GoSe episodes a lot lately (arguably to an unhealthy extent lmao but hey, it be like that sometimes), so I was happy seeing these messages the first time they were in my email, and returning to them now still does. :) Thank you! We love an art-reflected-in-real-life moment.

[aijee]

I really really really really like youuuu!!! Your writing is so brilliant and interesting to read. I like all the metaphors and jokes even tho i can't understand it right away. I've learnt a lot of English words from your fics, THANK YOU! hope you're doing well Aijee(｡’▽’｡)♡

Thank you so much, anon 🥺❤️ If it's any consolation, when I reread my fics now and again, I realize just how much my younger self at the time had a verbose writing style, probably because so much of the reading material I was consuming at the time was like that. Trying to emulate academic paper-style intellect (sometimes more performative than substantial) in fan fiction about K-pop idols certainly made for a unique narrative voice. 😂

You're an absolute trooper for wading through my metaphorical oceans lol they are as dense (and salty) as the Dead Sea. We stan a person learning new vocabulary from fanfic! Thank you and hope you're doing well, too.