aijee

[aijee]

revisiting gratitude

Rereading comments and bookmark notes is an incredible honor and pleasure. If anyone who has ever given me written feedback sees this—please know that I am infinitely, incredibly grateful and have almost certainly read your kind words multiple, multiple times.

In moments that feel especially low, I revisit AO3 to remind myself of the good I can put into the world, that my effort to create something and put myself out there can have meaning to others and positively impact their day.

What a lovely privilege it is to have a generous cache to pick from on rainy days. I promise I don't take it for granted.

[aijee]

a broken compass

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to dust this little blog off, if even for a moment. Sure, I'm reminded of this part of my life, having just posted a new story, so returning to this home base (alongside AO3, of course) may have been inevitable.

To the void: here's a small update. (TW: mental health, existentialism)

The last few years have been rough, to say the least. I think my mental health has hit all-time lows in just the last 12 months. I've been consumed with questions about my career, difficult family dynamics, a fluctuating sense of self that feels so contingent on what's expected of me rather than what I really want—which is what? I don't know, honestly. I feel like a college freshman again, having existential crises about choices I felt so sure about before.

Being here is a bit of an escape and a place to share my thoughts with an imaginary audience.

I feel so wracked with nihilism and doubts about how meaningful life can really be. Continuing my life now as-is feels like willingly sitting in a burning building, hoping someone will save me because jumping out the window is still too scary.

I've faced some difficult failures and difficult realizations about certain relationships recently. Being raised on the value of academic/financial/material success rather than hard work paints failure as apocalyptic. Objectively, if I were talking to a friend in the same situation, I'd say failures aren't failures, they're learning experiences. Life doesn't end in your 30's. There is still time to figure things out. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

It's hard to think this way in the trenches of self-pity and worry. There is only one way forward for me in my current circumstance, so it's also hard to simply leave in addition to locking away these deeply-felt feelings of mine in order to move forward as unhindered as possible.

Academic distress. Chronic health struggles. Relationship and family conflicts. Being alone in all of it.

I have no doubts about close, truly unconditional friendships in my life. Still, they live on the other side of the country. They can't live my life for me. They can't take my exams, do my research, handle my laundry list of a million things to do and question the terrors conjured in my own head.

It's tough. It's really tough, probably the toughest time in my life so far. Strangely, though, there is a little joy to be had with returning to writing fanfic for a bit. Rereading stories I've loved before, even written, is comforting in a way that feels solely personal. None of it for the sake of others, just for me. A little joy is still joy.

[aijee]

hi aijee!! i just binged all your meanie work even though i should be studying for finals oops and i love all your work sm can i spend 5 minutes inside your brain <3 you write about the complexity of the human psyche so well and some of the lines in idotsc brought me so much comfort as a newborn adult stumbling their way through life :') especially how joshua and wonwoo navigated doing something quite different from what their younger selves had envisioned and finding joy in it nonetheless!! i wanted to be a writer when i was younger but i didn't end up doing anything close to that (mostly bc i realized i'm an alright academic writer but a lousy creative writer lol); the way you write is so beautifully fluid and immersive and what i imagine i would have aspired to be like as an author, so tysm for letting prepubescent me live vicariously through that i'm sorry if this makes no sense or sounds weird sjhdfkljsfk now i'm doing a stem degree (peak asian moment) and i used to wistfully fantasize a lot about what my life would be like if i had actually given writing a serious attempt, but idots helped me be at peace with myself; i love the degree i'm doing, and i think i'm ready to let go of the death grip i had on all those what-ifs and just enjoy the reality i'm living out rn :) anw i hope life is treating you well and that you're happy and healthy <3 thank you for the chicken soup for the soul and the reprieve from studying xx

Reading fic instead of studying?? Classique. I strongly relate haha.

I see myself in your message, truly. I've wanted to be a writer, and a part of me certainly still yearns to one day officially publish something. I'm also in a STEM field! Though, maybe paradoxically, my academic writing could certainly use improvement. I end up doing creative writing more because STEM work is so fucking exhausting, isn't it? It feels like creative writing is my last thread of sanity in a field where Asians are a dime a dozen.

The love for IDOTSC in my inbox is so heartwarming. It's a piece of writing I hold so close to my heart because of my own experiences with stumbling through life, academics, career, and relationships while parading as a, as you phrased nicely, "newborn adult." IDOTSC was a platform for me to work on being at peace with myself, too, and be content with simply living life as it happens. I don't think my deathbed self would be happier if I were to be unforgiving with the course of my life.

Thank you for your kindness and vulnerability. :) I'm grateful to know there are people like you in the world because you're also a reminder to enjoy the now.

[aijee]

Merry Christmas Aijee :) Been re-reading your works, which I came across to since 2020, and it still gives me the joy and leaves me breathless. I hope you're doing well. And I hope the universe is now kinder to you in all ways. Thank you, as always, for the timeless stories.

Merry belated Christmas, anon!

Honestly, I revisit my fics sometimes, too, and I love exploring the timeline of my favorite authors to see how much their writing has changed. I'm glad to hear that some things I've written are "timeless."

The universe and life have been difficult, not going to lie, and it's largely the reason why I'm even more offline than I usually am. I'm taking it one day at a time. We'll get to a place where things will be better. :)

[aijee]

what books do u read? i enjoy reading ur writing and i want to learn so much more abt the things u enjoy reading

Way too much fanfiction—K-pop fics for indulgence; fics of published works and licensed properties for technique and prose; and anime fics on occasion for somewhere in between lol.

I've been really invested in exploring classics and psychological thrillers, especially in comics and manga, e.g. Saga, Blame!, 21st Century Boys. I've been absolutely obsessed with After God, a more recent manga. It's visually GORGEOUS and I'm so fucking hooked on the story.

I used to have a screenwriting, screenplay, and theater play phase. Big love for Tom Stoppard. I mainly roam around the Internet and look into what seems interesting. E.g. Lots of K-pop idols are in musicals! And I listened to the Hamilton album on repeat for at least a solid week straight.

Albert Camus was a short-lived but very intense hyper-fixation from high school to college haha. Beautiful writing and really makes ya think. Writing in the realm of philosophy is great not only for enjoyment imo, but also for learning new words and phrasing.

Slam poetry was my jam for so long. Something about the artistry of the writing combined with intentional verbal presentations is absolute magic. I used to just watch slam poetry vids on YouTube for hours.

Hopefully, that helps a little! Honestly, I have a pretty eclectic taste in the things I consume. I'm a chronic Wikipedia surfer, for better and for worse...

[aijee]

AAAAHHHHHHHHHH haaaiii this is a very lengthy message because I have so much to say and I hope you take time to read.

so I found in defense of the side character through twitter recs, and I've been looking for actor!mg and writer!ww for so long, it felt like fate.

and then I read it in one sitting because I could not put it down (on epub because there was also a power outage in my area). I slept at 4am because I just can't sleep thinking about what could happen next.

your writing is very similar to that of my favorite books, and I absolute loved the parallels between the jaechung couple and minwon. PLUS THE WW SHIP TRAIN WKEJDIDKDOE SURPRISE AFTER ANOTHER I WAS SEATEEEDDD!!

Jun being the lovliest man (even with their confrontation scene I think he was still very lovely), Soonyoung being my fav ride or die bestie in the med field, Chae being our fav workplace ally, Jihoon peptalker, and the absolute genius that is CEO Jeonghan, just from the side characters I'm already super enthralled, but how you wrote Minwon and the progression of their relationship is my absolute most fav part.

I have plenty more to say but maybe I'll comment them on ao3 once I reread the fic (probably right now). I'm just very glad that I found your work and I can't wait to read the others sidhdidjdksks. anw hope you're doing well😊😊

My goodness, this is so sweet of you! IDOTSC has a very special place in my heart for being my first attempt at really planning out a story with multiple coinciding storylines. Plus the actor/writer/film industry AU is something I'm also always craving, so it's a win-win. I'm very glad you enjoyed it! Putting the SVT characters in their roles was a big part of the fun, for sure.

I'd love to know what "favorite books" you're referring to! I'm a sucker for learning what people enjoy reading. I may not get and read the full books tbh, but I do enjoy poring through whatever is on the internet about those readings for some reason haha.

Thank you so much for such a kind message. :) It warmed my heart to reread this (considering how long it's been since your message was sent hahaha)

[aijee]

hi aijee! i happened to chance one of your works, the price of mirrors, a few months back and was really mesmerised by the way you write! I managed to find your tumblr through the embeded link in your ending notes, and read through the blogpost about that work too and im now ploughing through your works and binging them hh.. im always so insanely impressed with your very admirable range of lexicon and its really inspiring to see the way you write ^__^ i dont really have a.. specific point i want to make but i just wanted to thank you for putting these works out into the world, and how they've really gotten me interested in the intricacies of writing. i genuinely have a great lot of respect for you and your writing, so thank you so much :D

Thank you so much! I'm very flattered by your kind words, and the time and courage it takes to send this kind of message to a fellow Internet stranger. Though writing fanfic is relatively rare now in my personal life (at least compared to when I was younger and had more free time lol), it's the warm reception in fanfiction that gave me the courage to write and improve on my writing the way I have!

Even if this reply is rather...late haha, I'm honestly grateful to have the opportunity to return to this wonderful message. <3

[aijee]

A Major Update

Hi all, long time no write.

I have made the executive decision to lock my works to only AO3 registered users. Only registered users can comment as well. Whether true or not, there is a big scare right now with AI developers mining creators’ works without their consent for AI learning (not just with writing, but digital artists as well, without consent):

https://www.reddit.com/r/AO3/comments/z9apih/sudowrites_scraping_and_mining_ao3_for_its/

I could go on a very long rant about how inhumane and against the very principle of human creation these technological developments are. I also have a lot of negative feelings about “tech bros”, bred in a society of capitalism and greed, trying to automate and profit from one of the most soulful aspects of the human experience. But I’m sure you’ll easily find similar, more eloquent opinions with even cursory searches on the matter.

Fanfiction is still art. It is still legitimate writing. It still has meaning for both readers and writers. It is created from a place of love, exploration, and connection—for FREE. It’s just so frustrating and sad to think that a world born from a unique love and sense of community will be stolen for the 1% to fuel their greed under the guise of making “tools” for the people they will end up making extinct.

This isn’t a stance I will be changing any time soon. Thank you for your understanding and respect for artists, writers and creators who deserve it.

[aijee]

hello! just came to see how you've been doing lately. I really enjoy your writing and I always re-read your works. You're one of the first fanfic writers I found and I love what you create. I hope you're doing great.

Hi there anon! I'm doing alright, thank you for asking. Seeing the notification email for this message helped me remember my Tumblr account haha.

I'm swept in the midst of grad school applications and it's quite stressful. Being a young, working international student in an ongoing pandemic in America, whose digital world is an absolute trash-fire right now, with further professional and academic desires makes each day a challenge. Part of why my online presence is so minimal is because my stormy mind has enjoyed stepping away from the computer/the Internet. Journaling by hand in a notebook is so relaxing! (I have a dangerous infatuation with fountain pens now.) My craving to write is somewhat satiated, even if in the form of brain dumps.

I, too, revisit my fics once in a while, cringing and swooning in equal measure! The comments especially bring me joy. I miss writing, posting and interacting with fellow fanfic readers and writers. I have a backlog of ideas. Alas, burnout weighs heavily on my shoulders, and has been for the whole year. Still, I'm grateful for your words and for remembering me. I also remember the K-Pop fanfic word fondly and hope to return soon. ❤️

[aijee]

Life update 9/10

CW: COVID/illness, mental health

Hi, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

First of all, welcome to all you lovely new followers. Full disclosure (and gentle reminder for anyone else following), I’ve sort of fallen off the writing mood for a while, so if you’re here for Seventeen, Meanie or fanfic content, it will be pretty rare, if that wasn’t evident already. But if you’re here to keep up with my life once in a while, I appreciate your time and attention. :)

Second, I still strongly believe that we’re in a pandemic. I’m still appalled at the lack of empathy, respect and protection towards immunocompromised, disabled, chronically ill, socioeconomically disadvantaged, marginalized people in a country (America for me) that would rather us go back to work and make money than ensure everyone is safe and can comfortably return to their daily lives without feeling like their life is actively threatened. I’ve felt a lot of disillusionment towards my workplace, country (of which I am now a citizen, ironically) and life goals lately, which has been difficult after so many years of aspiring to learn, live and work here.

Part of that disillusionment is having gotten COVID recently. Like many Asians, I grew up in a multigenerational household, and that habit of thinking about how my actions affect my elders is ingrained. I couldn’t bear to leave my apartment, but my workplace and institution insisted that I return to work after a really short isolation period—in my mind, prioritizing the work to be done over (1) my health and comfort, (2) how my coerced presence would affect others more vulnerable down the line. It was really hard going against my morals because I had to pay bills and eat. Still wearing masks and diligently sanitizing/washing hands until now, surrounded by people who don’t makes me feel like a fucking crazy person. Am I the only one who still cares? Am I the only one who still sees the COVID numbers? It’s honestly really jarring to feel so disconnected from the reality around you.

I was not in a good mental place, having COVID. Obviously being ill and in bed most of the time is not a good experience, but I also live alone. The pandemic has been and continues to be wrought with loneliness; I try my best to supplement that with video calls with friends and texting family. But to be ill and without close support where you live is downright scary and extremely melancholy. To be young and alone in a city full of people is so very sad.

For better and for worse, I finally got a doctor’s diagnosis for my mental health struggles and am starting on medication for the first time (which happened at the same time as getting COVID—imagine how that experience was, oof). It’s both scary and relieving to hear what I imagined was what I was dealing with for a while. 

This, alongside COVID, has been making me extremely tired almost all days. I use up all my energy to survive at work, keep up a face and do my job well. I use up all my energy talking to friends, being genuinely happy to see them and chatting the night away. But outside of that, I’m left with scraps to do things for myself beyond the bare minimum of eating, sleeping and cleaning. I’m trying not to judge myself for it. As my therapist keeps saying: “It just is, and that’s okay. You’re okay.” Many are in similar positions, just doing their best to get by day-to-day. But it doesn’t make me less of a person or less worth of existing.

Funny thing is that I fell of off Seventeen and GoSe, which I used to watch religiously back in the day, some time in the pandemic when things got rough and K-Pop just wasn’t the healthy comfort place it used to be. Since getting COVID, I spent so much of my sick days watching these silly boys doing silly things. It was a joy to reconnect with the joy they gave before and give me again. I didn’t intend to write about these difficult experiences of mine, but it felt appropriately full-circle to mention on this blog that SVT has been an indispensable, wonderful comfort for me lately. I missed them so much. I’m grateful for what they do because I don’t think I could’ve gotten through the last several weeks without them.

Maybe by writing this, it’ll help me remember: I’m doing my best. And that’s okay. I’m okay.

[aijee]

Aijee, the latest Going Seventeen content (07/20) is Wonwoo's documentary debut. And my mind just wenT "lkjdlaskjdlas it's IDOTSC CAME TO LIFE" so yeap. Thank you for summoning this, and thank you gose team for giving us the actual visual for this fic HAHAH! (also, we miss you, terribly).

Oops!! Same anon. I mixed up a price of mirrors and idotsc HAHAHAHAHAHA but anyways… how does it feel to have both mingyu and wonwoo characters come to life (closer to being real than your other stories)!! The host!mingyu having a reference and now documentarian!wonwoo 😍🫶

Classic me, replying over a month later haha. It's been a long year so far for me outside of the Internet, so I appreciate that you still remember me! I've been bingeing and rewatching the GoSe episodes a lot lately (arguably to an unhealthy extent lmao but hey, it be like that sometimes), so I was happy seeing these messages the first time they were in my email, and returning to them now still does. :) Thank you! We love an art-reflected-in-real-life moment.

[aijee]

I really really really really like youuuu!!! Your writing is so brilliant and interesting to read. I like all the metaphors and jokes even tho i can't understand it right away. I've learnt a lot of English words from your fics, THANK YOU! hope you're doing well Aijee(｡’▽’｡)♡

Thank you so much, anon 🥺❤️ If it's any consolation, when I reread my fics now and again, I realize just how much my younger self at the time had a verbose writing style, probably because so much of the reading material I was consuming at the time was like that. Trying to emulate academic paper-style intellect (sometimes more performative than substantial) in fan fiction about K-pop idols certainly made for a unique narrative voice. 😂

You're an absolute trooper for wading through my metaphorical oceans lol they are as dense (and salty) as the Dead Sea. We stan a person learning new vocabulary from fanfic! Thank you and hope you're doing well, too.

[aijee]

Hi! I really like your works and the way you write. I am young and i may not know you in real life but i aspire to be like you. I can that you're a very wise and amazing person. Weird but i can feel it through the screen. Hope you're doing well!!!

Thank you so much, anon! It's flattering to know that my online image, based on whatever ramblings and silly fanfic I've put out over the years, comes off as wise and amazing. I'm doing the best that I can with the pandemic, IRL responsibilities and personal things. I'm currently in a big transitional period of my life that's been taking up a lot of time and energy. It's been quite difficult, frankly. But that difficulty is inextricable from the incredible little joys I'm lucky to have and am trying to celebrate.

I hope this doesn't come off as patronizing (and if it does, I apologize): I caution you, as a young person, to be wary of people you perceive them through the screen! This is not to say I don't appreciate your compliment—I do, very much so ❤️—I want to acknowledge that the Internet can be a scary, dangerous place for young, enthusiastic individuals, and it's so easy to get swept up in people you don't really know. I only write this because I want Internet users to always practice safety first when interacting with others!! Safety can be hand in hand with meaningful online interactions!!

Thank you again ❤️❤️❤️

[aijee]

I don't know why I'm here but thank you for providing comfort for my confused and uneasy headspace. I know it's not my grief to share but my heart still aches for WW. Is it selfish to want to provide comfort and offer to share the pain? I just think that the boundaries built by the nature of their job is so cruelㅡ we can never be there for them as they (and their music) was there for us. And yet that same line comforts me because as a fan, we're lucky to have found them to hold on to.

TW for mentions of death, grief

Hi anon, it took me a while to get to this message because grief is, understandably, always a difficult topic to broach. The last few years have been wrought with an incredible amount of grief. (IRL, I volunteer for a local non-profit that supports chronically ill people, and death is an unavoidable occurrence that, for better or worse, I have yet to experience with direct contacts in the organization so far.) There's a part of me that hopes we eventually develop a numbness to it, so it doesn't affect us so deeply, but there's another part of me that feels too sad at the idea of becoming insensitive to something so strongly ingrained in an experience as fragile as human life.

I think it's totally understandable that you feel grief for WW, especially given who he is mourning. I don't think fans like you or me are overstepping our boundaries in wanting to relieve WW of his pain. To me, it's a demonstration of empathy, which I think is wonderful and kind and so utterly human. There's a part of me that even put myself in his shoes, after hearing the news, and thinking about how hard it would be for me to bear such a thing.

Obviously, we'll never know how WW will truly feel about strangers on the Internet wanting to comfort him. (I'm not a public figure, so I'd like to think he has more emotional and mental foundations in place than me for this situation. I know it would make me a wee uncomfortable having news of something so personal become so widespread.) We don't even know what his relationship with his mother was like. But I don't believe that caring about him and expressing that care is harmful.

I also think it's telling that you (and I'm sure many other fans) acknowledge your parasocial relationship with WW; parasocial relationships are still a relatively new concept with little education in place on how to navigate them. I don't think that should stop you from feeling sad for someone who brought you so much joy, let alone any guilt or shame in feeling that sadness.

Regarding the boundaries of their work, it's understandable that the seriousness of WW's circumstance may effect an urge to be there for him personally in the way that he, his group, and their music have been present for you. I just want to put forward another perspective: maybe it's a good thing that there is space. It gives him, a public and beloved figure, even just a little more privacy to work through something indubitably extremely personal. I tend to assume that WW has an introverted and private personality (which is not mutually exclusive from being an entertaining public personality), so a part of me was concerned about how fans would react.

I think that as long as you’re respectful on the matter, wishing gentle condolences and being supportive of whatever he chooses to do (or not; I think he should just rest), it would be more than enough. In the face of someone you know mourning a loved one, respecting boundaries while also being open to change is super important. Based on this message you’ve sent me, I think you’re doing great.

It takes a lot of heart and space in yourself to carry grief for another person. I hope you’re saving some space and heart for yourself, because the world is in no short supply of sad news these days.

Thank you for sharing (and your patience).

[aijee]

hi aijee! read in defence of the side character a while back and wanted to ask: does wonwu like mingyu for mingyu or because he's a representation of who wonwu could have been/a reattempt at his relationship with joshua but done differently (since wonu is joshua 🤔)? i know bcs the story is meanie the obvious answer would be the former (and that's supported by how wonwu tweaked the script to fit mingyu more) but since the obvious parallels btwn shua/ww's and mg/ww's relationships were drawn...

(cont, reattempt at his r/s with shua anon here!) i bring up that question bcs it's written in the earlier chapters that ww says it's "hard to fall in love with mirrors" and jun says "you say this now, jww", comparing that w/ later, how mg is basically in ww's position...? i just wanted to know what you thought of this theory, without necessarily considering the meanie-ness of the fic. thank you!!! have a good day <3

Hello! You’ve basically hit the nail on the head, anon. (In this post, I’m referring to SVT by names as characters, not the IRL people.)

Fundamentally, one of my intentions was indeed to write Wonwoo/Joshua of the past in parallel to Mingyu/Wonwoo of the present. The parallels aren’t exact, as they shouldn’t be for creatures as complex as people, but the echoes of the past are definitely heard.

At the start of IDOTSC, present-Wonwoo was both drawn to and aggravated by Mingyu, who represented the “successful best outcome/future” dreamt by past-Wonwoo. Wonwoo back then was swept up in ambition, industry success, and young love. Present-Wonwoo became envious of Mingyu because he was everything past-Wonwoo wanted to be.

To address your very first question, over the course of the story, Wonwoo’s draw to Mingyu transitioned from envy and work obligation to truly falling for Mingyu as he is, realized flaws and all. In imagining how I personally treat looking at my reflection in a mirror, I think about the contrast of:

Admiring the best parts of myself, how good I look dolled up for the day.

Scrutinizing all my flaws, scars, dark circles, etc.

“It’s hard to fall in love with mirrors” because of facing #2. Seeing the worst parts of yourself in someone else is hard. But Mingyu helped Wonwoo do just that (and vice versa for Mingyu from Wonwoo, but this wasn’t as explored as heavily since we’re reading from Wonwoo’s POV). Jun says “You say this now” because he knows Wonwoo so well that, despite WW acting closed off, he has an open heart that needed someone like Mingyu to recognize that #1 can co-exist with #2 in a successful, worthy-of-love person.

In a way, it was also a journey of Wonwoo learning to love his past and past self. In being the “new Joshua,” so to speak, Wonwoo took on the role of loving someone who was inherently flawed, but also inherently good and passionate. Present-Wonwoo, like Joshua, eventually took on roles that weren’t the high-profile celebrity job that many dream of (Josh’s indie film career turned into being an acting coach; Wonwoo’s college aspirations for fame turned into being a variety show writer). However, in the roles they played to their younger companion, Joshua and Wonwoo became role models to look up to and admire, even to the point of attraction.

Unfortunately, Joshua had to move abroad for familial reasons. (I had this whole backstory for him being a third culture kid, having to deal with cultural conflicts, traditional Asian parents not approving of an artistic profession, etc. But I didn’t get to explore that too much either lol.) I did my best to paint Wonwoo/Joshua’s relationship as one that could have worked out, but things just got too strained eventually. In contrast, Mingyu/Wonwoo worked out much better, perhaps in part to Wonwoo’s personal growth and self-acceptance.

Hopefully that makes sense! It’s been a hot second since I’ve thought critically about IDOTSC haha thank you for bringing it to the table again.

[aijee]

Happy new year, Aijee! 🎊🎉 I hope this 2022 of yours will be filled with just happiness and luck and love and money 😚🧧 (and I know this sounds so much like a standardized Asian-styled greetings but I’m really bad with words, especially not in my mother tongue 😭) (I’ve always admired your way with words too) I just binge-read fool(ish) a few days ago, when I was in a really bad mental condition. And like the first time it still made me feel so much better 🥺 So thank you.

Even when you haven‘t put anything up on AO3 for a long time, I still visit your profile often to re-read your work. I’m sure that there are plenty of people out there who do the same as me too. And I’m also happy to hear about your progress, which you shared some bits in the most recent post 🥰

Hello! This is an awfully late reply, and I admit to reading it long before this post and getting swept away with IRL responsibilities. No one in my pre-20′s told me how busy I could get as a Real Adult! For if and when you read this, thank you for your patience. <3

Happy New Year to you as well! I’m just coming off of Lunar New Year week, actually, so I think it’s actually a more appropriate time to reply lol. Thank you for your greetings, and I’ll unabashedly reflect the same wishes of luck, love and money unto you. ;)

If it’s any help from me, I think your English is AWESOME. No apologies needed—literally ever. (I’m sorry if any English-speakers have ever made you feel the need to apologize!) The point of language is to get your message across and I think you did so splendidly. Funny thing is that I had this long conversation with my parents the other night about the value and reverence towards English (I’m sure I’ve harped on this topic on my blog before.) Their first language isn’t English. 

My mother in particular dealt with a lot of inferiority to “city girls” after growing up in a rural part of her home Asian country, later moving to a city for education, and so she intentionally raised me to learn English first. She didn’t want me to stand out and be “othered” in America. But I told her the other night that (1) English is put on a social pedestal strongly tied to colonial mentality/white supremacy; (2) its linguistic value is exactly the same as any other language so, at least on an academically linguistic level, its superiority is moot; (3) I really wished I learned Asian languages to the same native degree because I think that would make me feel more connected to my roots and native communities. Mini rant aside...

I’m sorry that you were in a bad mental condition. You are not alone. I’m glad that the situation did get better, and that you’re strong and open enough with a stranger to write these things. It also super duper warms my heart to hear you reread “fool(ish)” and that it still resonates with you! It really goes to show just how much power fiction/writing has. I already knew stories had that power, and I revisit my own comfort stories years later since that nostalgic First Time. But it’s so strange and lovely to be on the other side of it—the creator’s side. For lack of a pinpoint-accurate way of putting it, there’s an existentially validating feeling being told that my works and I still matter in spite of my indefinite hiatus. External validation in moderation, of course, but it’s nice to feel like I matter, that my works still matter, beyond being a content machine to strangers on the Internet lol.

Thank you kindly for taking the time and effort to write me such such warm and kind messages! Happy New Year once again, cheers not only to the obstacles we will inevitably face, but also, most of all, the sweet and warm and easy and restful things to enjoy in between.

[aijee]

Happy [whichever flavor of winter holiday you're celebrating this year]! Here’s a little word vomit before the year ends.

I’m briefly back to this blog because of an email notification for an Ask—only to find out it’s a porn bot lol so I've checked another checkmark on the True Tumblr ExperienceTM.

I write this update with bittersweet feelings. My summer was restful and I got to spend much of it with family and friends. It felt like an incredibly long time coming, the feeling being exacerbated with the ongoing—god, it's still ongoing—pandemic. (I'll talk more on this later, so be forewarned if COVID talk isn’t in your interest right now.) I got to eat so much good food, sleep in a huge bed, bask in a lot of sunlight and open space. Then fall and winter came.

I eventually left my family and the country they live in. When work restarted after an anxious period of dragging out the question “When is work going to start?”, that rest buffer was consumed like tissue paper to a forest fire. It was so quick, I didn't even recognize I was back to Really Fucking Burnt Out in less than a month. (Thank you, My Boss, for emailing me on a Sunday night, asking me if I'd like to start that Monday, given me no mental preparation whatsoever. You’re a net-good person still, but I didn’t like that very much 🥲) Being in a place where winter is actually cold really doesn't help much, either.

On the bright side, I am grateful to be in a new living space I've come to love, with some lovely art books, cookbooks, knick knacks and pillows. I love taking naps and resting on my couch, playing video games or binging Youtube videos. I rarely use my computer/desk anymore, with work being not-from-home, but I'm happy with how it turned out nonetheless; I especially love the gifts from my friends proudly on display there. I treated myself to a small Christmas tree (celebrating solo this year) and an amazing new rice cooker. I am fully stocked with good food and ingredients for a lot of self-indulgent holiday cooking/baking/eating. I'm on the journey of demoralizing food and simply enjoying it as a form of loving and nourishing myself. (Shout out to IDOTSC Mingyu 😘)

It's hard to swallow that we're going into our third year with COVID. It's hard to continue being so vigilant, thorough with cleaning, conservative with social activities, and careful with finances when so many are too stubborn or prideful to do the same. And now omicron is flying under the radar. The idea of getting long COVID gives me intense anxiety that it’s hard to function sometimes.

I look back at my writing over the years with mixed feelings—that is, if I can handle looking below the author’s notes at all. It’s the kind of cringe/recoil common to looking back at past work. Flimsy metaphors. Unrealistic dialogue. Exaggerated imagery and overused tropes. Maybe on a different day, I’ll feel different. But for a long time, I haven’t felt confident or motivated in my writing. Maybe a soft ball of a post on this blog will be a baby step towards feeling better. 

Looking back on the positive feedback can feel like little gems to offset the weight of self-doubt, heavy on the other side of the scale. These days, I don’t feel as lifted by the comments as I used to, I think, and that scares me. I hate to sound ungrateful. But, frankly, there’s a numbness that has spread to my everyday anyway, and positivity towards things I’m increasingly unhappy with can only go so far. Or perhaps I don’t visit them with the same mindset as before, because I simply can’t look at my writing. 

And yet I can’t help but have some pride in myself for making what I did, at the age I made them. To think! I’ve written book-sized stories before graduation! Lent some happy escape in people’s days! God knows we need fun content more than ever. While I haven’t posted anything new recently, I think about how people might be going through a hard time, or are so, so tired, and feel even a modicum better from reading what I wrote. While my opinion on the writing quality remain deprecating at the moment, my opinion on the value of those stories is positive. That, I’m glad I still feel.

It’s probably evident that my investment in fanfic-writing is more than just making two dolls kiss or engaging with a K-Pop band (though it certainly is like that sometimes). There’s always been a part of me that I was working on when I wrote. I think I’m at a phase where I don’t need to do that as much through writing and posting things online. 

I’m lucky to have a therapist I like and feel progress with. I enjoy the feeling of journaling in a physical notebook. I’ve made some of the closest friendships I’ve ever had over the last year. Separation from family has been hard, but beneficial for me as a product of complex Asian values I’ve only just begun to unpack. And to some extent, I’ve found an internal peace in this moment. It’s strange.

There is some unfinished writing sitting in my folders. I can’t promise whether they’ll be finished or edited, but I may post an excerpt one day or another. Or I may post unrealized ideas for stories, if people on this platform are still interested in those.

Thank you kindly for supporting me in whatever capacity you’ve been able to. You are so, so fucking strong for getting as far as you have. The world is harsh, and hard, and cruel. But there is so much love in it, too, and happiness, and laughter. Rather than think I couldn’t survive this world without those things, I’m trying to think that it should be celebrated that we have that joy, that we can experience them. What powerful agents of art and love we can be. And, indeed, fanfiction is very much a part of that.

Thank you. Here’s to the many plot twists and turns of this year, and to soon turning over the cover of a new one.