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stylish-fish · 3 months ago

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honestly sometimes it's like. "hell yeah being autistic is so cool i love being autistic" and sometimes it's like. "fuck my autism and my life it's like i'm eternally trapped in the Torture Labyrinth" and i guess like yeah. i'm shit with people and my executive dysfunction is giving me 1,000 problems and sometimes i legit don't know what to do about anything but also. my special interests bring me so much joy and i like noticing those details and my memory's not half bad. and there's kind of comfort in knowing what's the deal with me anyway i think i just need to acknowledge that i have special needs and struggles that can be addressed and helped with but that doesn't mean i have to abandon myself. also really love reblogging that low-res picture of a cool dinosaur roaring with the word "AUTISM" in fiery letters. this has been speaking from my heart thank you falls off the stage and dies

#life is hard and complicated but i'm trying ok #my ramblings #autism #actually autistic #vent post not really maybe kinda? idk #fyi that picture of a cool dinosaur doesn't exist. i haven't reblogged it i made it up. sorry i lied #but it could as well exist. i might make it

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candyheartedchy · 2 months ago

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It must be nice not having to bottle everything up.

#maybe I am tired of being nice #maybe I do want to go ape shit #not really a vent #but early this year I discovered that apparently I can’t express anger or process it??#like a while back I thought I was having a panic attack but apparently I was shaking in anger #and i didn’t know until it was pointed out #I mean don’t get me wrong I get angry but I just push it down #like there’s A LOT of stuff (new and old) that irritates me but I just keep it to myself #I mean I could vent post about stuff but… 🤷‍♀️#i just don’t want to #which now that I think about it vent art could help #like I kinda did it before and hell my regular art is an expressive outlet for me anyways #idk I’m just rambling #💬 chy chatter 💬

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zebratimw · 2 years ago

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Spirit animal SQH

#svsss #shang qinghua #but mainly I'm just here to vague post LMAO I don't like to vague post its not very effective in terms of venting but #but basically I guess I'm becoming hyperaware of my like... cognitive dissonance codependency and derealization ee #also my general laziness ig and where it overlaps into executive dysfunction or whatever like I may genuinely have some issues but #I am also a lazy son of a bitch jfjfkgkg and i need to figure out how to figure it out so I can work on both in more effective ways hhggg #oh yeah but basically the thing to remember for later is the silence in the call and the immediate unmute and chat activity once I left #I should remember this and stop interacting I think? I should try to give em space I think I'm being too clingy or something #or maybe my own silence is too awkward and dampens the call? I was kinda just spacing out and not doing anything so I get its kinda weird #LMAO so I should just like try not to be in call for those times mm #I just like being in call with my friends jdhfkg but I suppose its not very good either #I overindulge I suppose another friend pointed it out to me before too haha but fjfjjt its just easier than facing bouts of dread by myself #eehh and that's why I gotta do something about my Metnal Ailneses hfjfj but ngl I don't really know how to go about it...#I get embarrassed looking stuff up djfnfkg and half the time I don't even know what to look up I just draw ?s and I give up #I suppose I also have commitment issues too but that ones not new which is an issue of itself aaaaaaaa #man idk idk I just don't really get it I guess djdjfjf and I've got existential dreads and think maybe it doesn't really matter whats wrong #cause there's no point to fixing them because ultimately I'm gonna die alone and a failure anyways? so like ehfjgkg idk #its depressing and I know its like sabotage cause my brain is being a little silly a little goofy and its not a shared sentiment #with the better half of me and the entirety of my friends but yknow its just ee harder sometimes to believe in the optimism ig #and i can talk about it somewhat normally and without like having a ✨️break down #but yknow djfjgkg I'm very emotional a person ya? I think sqh is relatable for gods sake 💀#irrationality sentimentality nihilism and existential dreads... wanting to die because living is too hard despite all my hopes for living...#just the ol regulars yknow?#and another thing... do I talk to my friends about these things? I vent them out here a lot but what do I really want?#I'm not strong enough to keep it to myself clearly but I'm also too proud to share these thoughts? I dump them out in the open and for what?#whenever someone reaches out with concern and care I don't respond in kind and refuse to elaborate?#so like what do I want with this? I guess I want someone to know I'm going insane half the time I'm awake? but not do anything about it?#that's pretty unfair I guess... and stupid I think I do want to share my thoughts with someone but I'm too scared of the ramifications #and that my pride can't stand the fact I might be looked differently by my friends even tho the image they have of me is already quite silly #man.... idk.... I'll come to conclusions myself and do nothing about them so I guess that'll happen again aah idk idk idk

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capricioussun · 3 months ago

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I was really thinking about if I would ever be comfortable merging my art accounts and I don't think I will. At least not unless I did a full rebrand which I'd really rather not since I'm very happy with how things are situated now.

But I think it boils down to acceptance seeking. I've been socially isolated for a very long time and it's difficult. Even back when I first started drawing au stuff years ago, I contemplated making a separate blog for it because I knew how many ut fans didn't really like the aus. I didn't want to alienate any of the "audience" I'd already built but I also knew there would be a turning point I would just wind up barely posting on one account or the other and it would feel like trying to limp half the time on one leg and then limp the rest on the other, which would be pointless.

But with mirrorshipping (selfcest) being a much more universally contentious topic, I got worried it would only deter people even more. I certainly didn't want to lie about it, especially bc I don't associate it with prshipping the way some others do, so it's not really that im "ashamed" of it, or want to hide it, just that I know it's the kind of thing that's very likely to make some who just walked in turn right back around.

To some degree, as someone who hopes to one day make a career out of being an independent artist, it makes sense to prioritize "growth" over personal satisfaction, but on the other, I've always struggled to care about that sort of thing. Any time I've cared about "alienating" a potential "audience", it's always been more about personal acceptance. I don't want people to see one little aspect of myself or interests and judge me entirely based off of that, even though that's all anyone really can do on the internet. I don't take blocking personally, despite how the prior sentiment seems to contradict that, I get it, I block all the time too, for a variety of reasons. But if there's a chance there're others who don't really mind that I mirrorship, they just don't want to see it or have to block the tag, I don't want them to feel turned away or annoyed, and so I kept it all to a separate account.

There are a few other reasons I won't really get into, too, like how people often do associate it with prship, and how I don't really want to draw that type of a crowd to my main blog, either, but I know in my heart it's the acceptance/approval seeking that was the biggest motivator.

I really honestly wish I knew how to connect with others beyond just trying to "do things right" and hoping that earns me positive attention. I really wish I didn't always feel like my only chance at affection is to improve what I can offer in return.

#some sleep deprived introspection #will probably delete later I've just been feeling exceptionally isolated lately and thinking about it a lot #and for some reason posting about it despite it technically being something I would normally never do #let's get a round of applause for sleep deprived poor decision making 👍👏#or I guess not really poor just something that would embarrass more sane me #sorry about this man #not a vent btw just kinda musing out loud #or maybe I guess it is a vent bc it is still personal negative feelings in a way #I just mean in the sense I'm like. fine. just a little sad haha #sunny with clouds #cw selfcest #selfcest #selfcest ment #juuuust in case #I guess I also had a bit of an unusually uncertain response to my own interest bc I've never really shipped before At All. so like.#that made it feel even weirder and more out of place even to Me yk. idk

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the-vibing-ghoul · 3 months ago

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some people will be all about mental health awareness and leftist ideals of at least tolerating the mentally ill who show ''ugly'' symptoms until it's someone they know and ''care'' about having a bad day and acting like it in a way they don't find appealing

#[temporary text post tag]#vagueing about irls #everybodys your friend until one time youre too tired to act right after getting yelled at first thing in the morning #worst thing is i trusted her enough to tell her shit none of my other friends know about #liek i genuinely believed we were friends and i wasnt just an accessory so she wouldnt feel lonely and could vent to someone about whatever #now im really wondering if all the shit she told me about other people was real or if she just ditched them as well after they-#- acted emotionally in a way she didnt like #like im sorry people have bad days and sometimes act in none cutesy ways #at this point idk if the few times i did tell her im feelin like shit she took it seriously or just thought i was joking #im kinda assuming the second one #like she did feel and act fairly progressive - she'd often talk about acceptance and understanding #i don't even think she sees this situation as dropping a 'freind'#she's prolly gonna find a way to justify it somehow idk #point is im hurt and need a drink #she even vaguely texted me like 'if someone you knew hurt someone you care about would you try to fix it with them or just block them?'#like not even confront me and say 'you hurt someone i care about so now im ending things'#or just tell me to fuck off or call me a piece of shit #i feel after a year and all of the 'youre a good friend' shit that maybe i was at least entitled to a 'fuck off kys' text and then a block #i shouldve dropped her first - save us both some time #honestly i dont even think she thinks about this at all #im probably just sulking like a kicked dog while she does whatever the fuck it is she does #she probably didnt even care about my side of the story #why would she #honestly she always did most of the talking #i was just there to listen and sometimes make a joke for her to laugh at i guess #like i didnt know i was signing up for a '1 strike and youre out' type deal lmao

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so-i-macedup-abit · 2 months ago

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apologies to the inbox on the fil ask blog and mine

#not about you guys btw #more on about me- thought that id be able to get out of my comfort zone by drawing ask replies but now that the hyperfix is gone its kinda #difficult making these things #does this count as a vent?? idrk #not rly a vent i think #maybe #whatever #ill figure it out #if i think and put my back into it i can probably do it #sorry for this post #i rly dont mean to leave you guys in my inbox/gen. im just really really shy #or lazy #idk #anonslash's ramblings #im sure that if i get the ball rolling all is well #probably.#depends #idrk #anyways

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lieutenantselnia · 2 months ago

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Actually I think it's a bit unfair that I can't be an astrophysicist and a historian and a game developer and a marine biologist and an archaeologist and an author and a seamstress at the same time

#I think I have a quarter-life crisis /hj #like I want to make space discoveries but I also want to analyse ww2 battles and I want to-#study the behaviour of whales and I want to create fictional worlds and I want to sew costumes and and and #there's so much knowledge out there to be learned and things to try out how are you supposed to do this all in one lifetime?#when you're expected to start working a fulltime job and stay in that line for the rest of your life??#though my problem isn't necessarily that I don't wanna be doing that job - it's more that I don't *only* wanna be doing that job #I just wish I could just try different job fields and see what they're like for like 2-3 years before trying out something else #but since they're all so different I'd have to start from the bottom again every time which probably also means worse payment etc #and I just don't have the time for that because I'd also like to build a stable life and maybe have a family later on #plus some of these jobs are just don't pay very well to begin with #I swear if I was rich and didn't have to worry about regular income I'd probably just be a forever student and study a whole bunch of stuff #just because I want to #unless I win the lottery I'll probably just start working fulltime though once I hopefully finish my master's #however I've already been thinking about signing up for studying history afterwards regardless - just for fun without pressure #I love the topic and then I wouldn't have the pressure of *needing* to find a job in the field afterwards #bc it's hard to find something unless you go for the teacher (or maybe professor) route plus pay seems kinda meh either way #but we'll see #I don't even know what this post is supposed to be. like not really a vent but. still complaining? idk #I don't know how to tag this #selnia talks

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reminiscentrainclouds · 2 months ago

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You guys ever feel trapped? Yea I'm well-acquainted with the feeling of being trapped.

#*text #talk about unpleasant #sorry for only posting textposts here lately. I Forgot how I use this blog.#Also I'm gonna use this as an excuse to vent in the tags about something that's been bothering me today.#I hate days where it feels like I can't be the same person for even. idk. an hour?#I was gonna say just a general statement of 'I hate how I can't feel like the same person for more than an hour' but then I realized it onl #particularly bothered me today so maybe it's just a sometimes thing. throws hands up in the air I WOUDLN'T KNOW #It's just...nothing I do throughout the day matches. i keep starting new things only to forget about them (or forget how much I cared #about them) and try something else later. resulting in a long line of unfinished stuff and frustration.#I keep trying to come up with new conclusions/solutions to problems I've run through my head a million times already.#problems I didn't know I had or forgot about pop up etc.#I'll be doing fine and then I'll just feel stranded out of nowhere with no idea why and trying to figure out if this is normal for me.#I've felt stranded all day.#it's just ugh. i'm so confused. it's been a day i guess.#all the words i write feel kinda foreign to me sometimes. short term memory problems I guess. ✌️#but also I feel very very locked in a really limited worldview. or just like. my world feels very small like tunnel vision kind of thing an #for that reason it just feels like it'll go on the same forever and ever and ever. which is a very scary thought.#idk if my logical 'well that obviously isn't the case. things will change eventually' rebuttal is good enough to go against it.#so there you go I wrapped it all back to the point of the post: feeling trapped. yayyy #i don't mean to make myself sound so sad and pitiful. usually i'm doing fine and bad things kinda just don't register in my brain #but there are Secret Evil Feelings inside me that I don't even know about and sometimes I like to poke them with a stick.

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grimmgrinningghouls · 3 months ago

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anyone else just struggle to connect with people irl. I even struggle online a bit but I have closer online friends then I do irl.

Sometimes I just feel like theres a barrier between me and other people. It keeps me from having more then just work friends or people I speak too on rare occasions.

But we don't hang out, we don't talk outside work and basic interactions. Even if we get along great in those settings, no matter how hard I try I never feel as if I can ever know people more then that.

And its not from lack of trying. I really have put effort into hanging out and talking outside of work, but its never really helped.

idk man. I just feel pretty alone sometimes and almost frustrated and isolated that I can't just talk to people. What am I doing wrong? whats wrong with me?

#spook txt #vent post #vent tw #I'm always the one who texts firsts #I'm always the one who tries to reach out #even the few times I really have tried to make friends #it always just ends up with me being the one communicating #If I dont text them then we never talk.#maybe makes me a bit of a loser but man. I really did try #there was someone at work who I really did almost consider a friend. we got along super well at work #we texted and even after they quit we talked and hung out once or twice #but I realised. I didn't get the chance to text them for a little while #they never texted me during that time. I am always the one starting the conversations and inviting them to hang out #they haven't made any effort to actually know me. and idk it hurts man #I've put in a lot of effort into getting to know them. And actually really trying but idk somethings wrong with me I guess #I think I've kinda given up on trying. They aren't a friend and were never interested in being friends.

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dustyfandomtrashbin · 10 months ago

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Gosh every day I get less and less motivated to draw :/

#vent #I put so much effort into what I do and I get little to nothing about it #It's so demotivating and I'm really starting to feel as if what I'm doing isn't worth it anymore #Thinking about just quitting with posting art as when I really try. my confidence is just shot down and crushed #TBH it's kinda why I'm avoiding Tumblr atm plus the whole toxic workplace thing. Maybe it's just that my art isn't good enough #maybe I'm just overreacting. Idk. I'm just feeling really crushed atm

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florathegnarpian · 5 months ago

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ow my ears are ringing from the stress

#ooc #ooc post #vent?#vent? ish?#vent? not really #vent?? i guess #vent? idk #vent? kinda #vent? maybe #owie

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