#vanish by night into nothing

[elisaenglish]

-Hermann Hesse, Steppenwolf-

Draw us dreams of one eternal. Per noctem in nihilo vehi...

[acourtofquestions]

“He'd deceived her, had lied to her. This man who she'd believed held no secrets between them. She didn't know why it made her want to shred everything within sight.”

— cause um… as you just said Miss Manon YOU CARE (& it’s even giving Chaolaena vibes in the I CARE way)… so like all I’m saying is you love him duh?

[knifebaby3000]

and all my black beaches

[the-martyrfication-of-the-matron]

weighted blankets aren't enough. i need the fucking rocks

Aphmau when Garroth finds her outside at 3am just fucking grabbing pebbles from the streets

[zerolostwalks]

.

[captainsparklefingers]

I'm trying to get the energy and motivation and desire to do...well. Anything. It's not really working out so well.

Like I know I need to write. I won't feel good about this stupid fic unless I work on it, finish it, edit it, etc. but I just...am drawing blanks as far as motivation.

I should draw. I feel better being creative. But there's no juice.

I should go to the gym. I like exercising, and I went yesterday after work and it was good, and with my work schedule changing again I won't be able to go on Wednesday for much longer...but I just want to go home and sleep for 12 hours.

Hell, I should actually try to find work to do at work. There's some things I could be doing; not much, but something...but what's the point? Nobody ever uses any of the stuff I work on in the catalog. Even with students coming back next week, nothing I do is going to feel like it makes any sort of difference or positive impact.

I need to catch up on CR and get excited for d20 tonight, but I just wanna lie down forever. Hell, I need to think about healthy actual food to eat and make, but all I've done is eat a sleeve of Ritz, insult myself, and decide that's probably enough food for the next few hours.

I'm really hoping the medication changes we're making are going to help, or at least cut some of this exhaustion and apathy off at the knees a little bit... I'm tired of not enjoying anything, not really, and of having things I like and want to do feel like this big obstacles that are easy to put off and ignore. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being unhappy.

[absensia-archived]

I've spoken briefly about this before and, again, it's usually something I leave in the little details of Charlotte's portrayal, but it's really been on my mind lately so I wanted to write out some of the prominent traits that continue to establish that, despite having gradually accumulated more experience, capital, and property over the years, Charlotte remains coded as working-class. It is crucial to both the narrative itself and her actual existence as a vessel for the primordial void, also known as Khaos. This means that she still has no ( legal ) credit cards and continues to thrift almost all her belongings, including her clothes, books, and furniture ( with the exception of shoes and appliances.) If you are someone who regularly meets up with Charlotte, you might begin to notice ( if you are perceptive ) that while she may be variably early, right on time, or show up in some unexpected state, she is rarely ever late and certainly never without a legitimate reason as to why. It is also not uncommon for Charlotte to juggle multiple jobs at the same time, and the only time she'll agree to a single job, at the exclusion of all other work is if she knows that that one job will be worth it. Related to this is the fact that Charlotte has a very hard time saying no to job offers; it's a habit ( read: stress response ) she is trying to unlearn, but it continues to be a struggle. Lastly, despite having successfully taken on leadership roles in the past, Charlotte expresses a strong dislike for being consigned to a "boss" role as she still much prefers to be hands on, in the action, at risk rather than sitting back and letting others do the work. She becomes restless if she finds herself "at the top" or in the position of too much obvious power; recall the adage about how it is lonely at the top, and how isolation is not something that the void's vessel can allow. She needs to be among people; she needs to be present to catalyze chaos. That being said, this doesn't mean that Charlotte simply allows herself to be treated or thrown away as a mere lackey or just another body, but that is still part of the struggle, isn't it?

[autism-disco]

watched all of fleabag in like a 24 hour span, maybe even 12 hours idk. the Feelings haven’t hit yet but hey maybe they will when i play in the fucking cèilidh tomorrow!! what even is a life you get what i’m saying

[deityofhearts]

dinner time discussion about everyone’s ghost experiences

[butchvamp]

sigh

[applespring]

i don’t even go here but i wanted the elphaba stanley and it sold out :( so rip me i guess im never drinking water again

[catboynutsack]

why the fuck do we have hired cops as security when people are still going FUCKING MISSING this isn't a fucking fnaf game how are you THIS INCOMPETENT THAT A WHOLE QSS PERSON DISAPPEARS AND YOU SHRUG AND SAY I DUNNO

[hetchdrive]

Once again I am thinking about Pluto in Radiance by Cat Valente.

Night is Pluto's native crop. I thought myself darkness's man, but I had never even kissed her cheek until the sun set on that flower-choked world. Night poured itself down my throat. Night was my wine and my meat. Night wed me and bedded me, widowed me and murdered me and resurrected me a whole thousand times over with each hour.... Severin never came here. The one world she missed in all her profligate travels. At last, I shall have something she did not. I will warn you now, Reader: Pluto is a place too mad for metaphor. What is there can only be what it is: a world far gone, decayed from the moment of its birth, lost in the unfathomable tides of these black rivers, so far from the sun that is our heart that it is, quite plainly, a place of delirium and desolation. It is a bestiary of the grotesque. It is a Jacobean horror-hall. It is a brothel of the undead. It is so, so beautiful. Welcome to America, to the Grand Experiment's last light bulb, left burning long after the household has locked up and fled.

[lynxgirlpaws]

Hey er. Avie Rant time. I. Just . sorry preemptively lol

I am . having a rather hard night. Which I feel isn't even fair to say based on the circumstances but like. Whatever. So, Im chilling right? Chit Catting with people, maybe helping someone way out of my league cum, normal me behavior for the middle of the day. Anyways, my dad comes home. He. Is apparently not in a good mood, which I will discover later. First, he basically bursts into my room and demands I keep the door open bc apparently he dislikes the smell. Also I need to clean right now. Also I need to get out of bed, I don't deserve to lay in bed since I don't really work. I. Haven't put it together yet, but sure I do it whatever - I leave the door open a crack. Whatevs. Then he inquires about the food his girlfriend gave me. Which.. Was half things that I struggle to eat, but besides the point. He presses about "was that dinner?" You know. If you're here you know his obsession with me losing weight. Anyways I tell him "you said she'd bring me a snack at some point, this is what she brought. It was two hours before you allow me to eat dinner, so I assumed it wasn't" or whatever. Good enough answer for him, whatever. Sorry for all the filler, mostly dealing with him is these little things he does to remind you everything ought be how he want it, such as reminding me that I shouldn't expect dinner (although he informed me I could make a chicken patty or smth if I got hungry which, yippeee)

Anyways, a few minutes pass and. He starts his bullshit. He demands I shower now. And I only shower in the morning from now on. See, I shower at night because I like to see myself with hair I don't hate and feel clean as I sleep. However when I told him I prefer night showers, he got pissed. Angry, about why every time he asks something I have to "buck against" him . I, stupidly, ask some shit about why he doesn't let me make decisions to make me happy. He... Goes on a yelling rant about how the way I know to do things is wrong, I don't have a job or classes so I don't deserve to lay down, goes on about how there are 'rules' aka whatever he tells you... And informed me of his unwillingness to pay for college or anything unless I show initiative (fair, although he told me there was money in his mother's account or whatever that can only be used for college) and talked about how he'll kick anyone who breaks his rules out (using his girlfriend as an example)

I... I dunno. Something kinda went fucky wucky in my head and I. Maybe cut for the first time in a few months. I just. Really? All this shit because I asked if I could shower at night instead of the morning? Anyways I. I dunno, I've been . doing less than good pretty much consistently for. A long while, but not enough to really justify complaining to y'all about it . I usually just kinda brush it off but. I dunno. It was bad...der tonight. Best part is that when I get out of the shower, he tells me to come up to the door... And open it. No like, gn or whatever no happy thanksgiving, he just tells me to open the door (because he doesn't like that my room doesn't ventilate much... Despite the open window) and leaves before I can even see his face.

I. Grow weary.

tl;dr - despite no thanksgiving dinner/gathering, my family still fucked me up today lol

[oxytocxins]

I thought the earth remembered me, she took me back so tenderly, arranging her dark skirts, her pockets full of lichens and seeds. I slept as never before, a stone on the riverbed, nothing between me and the white fire of the stars but my thoughts, and they floated light as moths among the branches of the perfect trees. All night I heard the small kingdoms breathing around me, the insects, and the birds who do their work in the darkness. All night I rose and fell, as if in water, grappling with a luminous doom. By morning I had vanished at least a dozen times into something better.

(mary oliver, sleeping in the forest)

[sttoru]

.⌇ 𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒. toji can’t get his deserved rest due to his baby boy keeping him awake.

wc. 707

tags. dad!toji x female reader. nothing else to add; just pure fluff.

“he’s kickin’ me again,” toji complains with a deep sigh. tiny feet keep patting his back, not allowing the man to sleep at all. the culprit is none other than megumi—his beloved, yet bratty, son.

the little boy lays between you and your husband. you figured that this was best since megumi kept wailing each time you put him back in his crib.

you chuckle at toji’s groans of annoyance. your son is still full of energy, even if it’s already super late at night. your hand brushes against megumi’s chubby cheek and you can’t help but squeeze it lightly.

that action gains you a high-pitched squeak. you sigh and keep your child occupied with the movement of your finger against his face, “it’s his way of asking for attention, honey.”

toji grumbles something under his breath and scoots away from the both of you. megumi’s head turns towards his dad, his attention caught by the rustling of the sheets. you raise an eyebrow in response to toji putting distance between you both.

“papa’s mean,” you huff, talking to your baby. you can’t see toji’s face since his broad back is obstructing the view, though you can easily guess that he’s frowning.

maybe even secretly sulking about the lack of sleep. you do understand, however. he’s worked hard all day to provide for both megumi and you.

“papa,” megumi speaks up with an adorable pout on his lips. he crawls over to toji before you can stop him. the little boy taps at toji’s back again, tugging at the fabric of his shirt.

megumi’s need for attention and affection from his father is heartwarming to see. you reach out towards your son in hopes of picking him back up. toji needs his rest after all.

a deep sigh escapes toji’s lips. not one of frustration this time, but rather one of defeat. he opens his eyes and turns around to face megumi. the man’s stoic face softens the moment he sees those cute doe eyes staring up at him.

“c’mere,” toji grumbles and lifts his child’s tiny body up without any effort. megumi giggles instantly and reaches his hands out to hold his dad’s face. your husband playfully bites your son’s tiny fingers instead, “not gonna allow y’r dad to sleep, huh? tsk tsk.”

you watch the scene unfold with a tender smile. toji lowers his head and starts blowing raspberries against megumi’s tummy. the baby squeals and giggles uncontrollably, writhing around in toji’s embrace.

“this is what ya get for being a brat,” toji mumbles and switches to leaving kisses along the little boy’s belly. that makes megumi laugh as well due to the ticklishness.

toji grins. his earlier drowsiness and annoyance have vanished into thin air. he can’t possibly stay mad at his son. not after seeing megumi happy. and especially not after seeing your content smile too.

“mama! mama!” megumi laughs between cries of help. his tiny hand reaches out to you whilst toji continues the little attack on his tummy. you chuckle and decide to intervene.

you scoot over to the other side and shield megumi’s tiny body from your husband’s tickles. you frown and playfully scold him, “stay away from my baby, you big bad guy.”

toji raises an eyebrow in amusement. he bites back a laugh before cocking his head to the side, that familiar smug expression appearing on his face.

“oh yeah? ‘m the bad guy now, eh?” the dark-haired man rolls his eyes. he towers over both you and your son - who’s giggling and still holding tightly onto you, “all right. i’ll show you just how bad i can be then.”

your eyes widen the moment you feel toji’s fingers land underneath your shirt, touching your bare skin. not a second passes by and he’s already tickling you. his other hand reaches for megumi’s tummy again—now making the both of you squirm and giggle loudly.

the happy sounds echo throughout the room. perhaps even loud enough for your neighbours to hear at four in the morning. but, you don’t care about any possible noise complaints. not during this cozy family moment.

plus toji’s fond smile as he continues torturing you and your son is definitely worth all of it.