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saibug1022 · 6 months ago

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Are You Scared...?

Word Count: 4.7k Valen Ebony (ILITW MC) x Connor Green A/N: This is set in alternate universe outside of Val's "canon" where he didn't become the shadow and he's dating Connor.

TRIGGER WARNING: PTSD, dissociation, mentions of self harm

It started off completely innocent.

Connor was out getting some book Abel needed for his research from someone his mom knew, meaning he'd had to go alone which annoyed Val but it wasn't the worst thing that had ever happened to him. He'd been expecting everyone to go home or do their own thing, but instead they'd ordered pizza and migrated to the living room, actually spending time together and talking. It was a little bittersweet for Val. It reminded him of their friends who were all off doing their own things, but he enjoyed getting to know his new friends too.

Then Castor brought up how fun it had been playing Never Have I Ever at the restaurant and it was all downhill from there. They played party game after party game, most of which Jocelyn and Lincoln had to be the ones to explain. Val didn't even remember the name of half of them, but what he did remember was that they were ridiculous, embarrassing, and absolutely fucking hilarious. He was having the time of his life.

"Okay I'm out of shit to say," Lincoln put his hands up.

"Yeah I think that's it for two truths and a lie," Amalia agreed and Abel made an almost whiny groan but smiled when Castor patted his hand.

"Are there even any party games left?" Castor wondered and Val shrugged.

"I didn't go to college, and the only party I got invited to in high school was because the person holding it was blackmailed," Val admitted. "So I've got nothing."

"Actually, you know what, remember that party I went to in college?" Abel brought up. "I ended up too drunk to remember most of it but I do remember this one game we played. I think it was called Are You Scared?”

Abel may have kept talking for all Val knew. He probably did. But as soon as he said those words the whole world froze. They felt like they’d been grabbed by the throat and thrown back in time, back to that horrible night that felt too recent to be as long ago as it was. He couldn’t even see the cabin anymore, couldn’t hear his friends, couldn’t feel the couch under him.

No, what he saw was that cavern, that cruel shadow of a once curious man who dug just a little too deep, his best friend disappearing into darkness only to fall and snap her neck at an unnatural angle. What he heard was a shadowy voice whispering in his ear that “Everyone plays together”, his friends hyperventilating and screaming and sobbing, the ghost of Jane screeching and hissing as she shot his friends into the darkness. What he felt was the point of a knife between his shoulder blades, the cold and hard rocks underneath him, Noah’s blood on his hands.

There was nothing there but his own memories, his own pain, his own fear. He hadn’t played that game since. After all, he’d lose. Yes, he was scared. He was always scared. That darkness in his mind was always lingering, just at the edge of his perception. It was what made him zone out in the middle of a conversation, what made him pick at his scabs, what made him hide from everyone including himself when he was upset, what made Val wake Connor up in the middle of the night with his screams.

Something touched Val’s shoulder, a hand, and he reacted before he thought. He swung his fist and felt it collide, and he heard a grunt of pain. He blinked, hard, as he heard someone saying his name and the cavern was gone, he was back in the cabin. Castor was on the ground, hand held to their nose in a vain attempt to stop the blood leaking from it while Amalia and Abel hovered over them. Lincoln was looking between Cas and Val like he didn’t know where he wanted to be, and Jocelyn stormed right up to Val and shoved him.

“What the hell is wrong with you?!” Jocelyn demanded, and Val just blinked like a deer in headlights. He looked down at his shaking hands and saw blood on his knuckles. Andy’s blood. Noah’s blood. No, no, this wasn’t Homecoming. It was 2021, homecoming was four years ago. This blood was Castor’s, still Val’s friend, only this time Val was the one who drew it.

“Oh god, Castor, I-I, I’m sorry, I…” Val trailed off with a heavy breath and closed his eyes as they began to burn, warning him of the coming tears. “I-I need some air.”

Without another word Val turned and rushed out the door, walking in a random direction. He didn’t even know where he was going as he just went away, away from people, away from the cabin. He started stumbling around but his legs just kept taking him faster and faster, until he was sprinting through the woods, tears falling down his cheeks and sobs starting to force themselves from his throat. He never ran into anything, even without paying attention he knew these woods better than he knew himself. Although, he didn’t know himself all that well.

Finally, he tripped over something and fell to his knees, skidding a bit on the ground. He tried to take a deep breath as he examined his surroundings; he needed to know where he was, if he got lost and didn’t make it back to the cabin soon Connor would get worried. But when he saw what he tripped over he knew that wasn’t happening.

It was a tree stump. Not just any tree stump. It was a lone tree stump in the middle of a familiar clearing. The clearing in which they found an unconscious, comatose Dan. The clearing where they’d fought for their lives, most of them getting hurt in the process, trying to bind Redfield, only for it to be for nothing because it wasn’t Redfield in the first place. Where Val had gotten slammed into a tree and nearly strangled by one of his best friends, and probably would have died if he hadn’t gotten through to him.

And in that moment, Valen finally broke, alone in the woods, where his mind never really left.

**********

Connor knew he lived with a strange group of people (boyfriend included) and the rest of his friend group was even stranger. But after hours of dealing with some annoying politician he didn’t even want to talk to in the first place, he was not expecting to come home to all of his friends (boyfriend not included) panicking in his yard.

"Woah woah woah, what's going on?" Connor asked as he approached the group and they all turned to face him with matching looks of horror and guilt. "Castor, is your nose bleeding? And where's Val?"

"We don't know," Castor admitted.

"What do you mean you don't know?!"

"Look, we were all hanging out and playing a bunch of party games," Amalia explained. "We were trying to pick a new one and Val just froze and didn't react to anyone talking to him until Castor touched him and he punched them in the nose, and ran off into the woods."

Connor frowned a little. Val wouldn't just freeze for no reason, and DEFINITELY wouldn't punch someone for no reason, especially a friend. Something must have happened, he just wasn't sure what.

"Okay explain to me what happened, exactly, in detail," Connor said, and Abel stepped up to continue the explanation.

"We had been playing two truths and a lie but we were running out of things to say so we were trying to think of another game," Abel elaborated. "I brought up a game I learned in college called Are You Scared? and-"

"You WHAT?!" Connor exclaimed and Abel's eyes widened in shock. "Oh shit. No wonder he freaked out and ran. We have to find him, now, being alone in the woods is not a good idea for him right now, especially if Noah finds him. Normally I’d say we should split up, but the woods are too dangerous for that at night. Lincoln, Amalia, Castor, you stay here though in case he comes back.”

“No way, I’m coming,” Castor shook their head.

“He just punched you, Cas,” Abel pointed out, and Castor just shook their head again. Connor sighed, too tired and too worried to argue.

“How are we supposed to search the entire woods for one guy in the middle of the night?” Jocelyn questioned, and Connor sighed.

“Don’t worry, I have an idea of where to start,” Connor muttered before he turned in the direction he and Val both knew, even if they never traveled there.

Castor, Abel, and Jocelyn followed Connor into the woods, through a route he wished he didn’t know in the first place. He didn’t really think Val would’ve gone there, but it was the first place he could think of to check. Val knew these woods too well to get lost in some random clearing in the middle of nowhere.

“So…” Castor prompted.

“So?” Connor looked at the Anchor over his shoulder.

“You seem like you know what happened,” Castor continued and Connor nodded.

“Of course I do,” Connor confirmed.

“You gonna tell us, Green?” Jocelyn pushed too.

Connor hesitated, not sure it was really for him to tell. Val didn’t like to talk about what happened to them. The only reason the group knew was because of its relevance to the Power and Noah. But, well, they did already know. It was just this one detail and he felt like at least Castor deserved to know why they got punched.

“You guys know what happened to Val and their friends when they were kids,” Connor began. “How their friend and Noah’s sister, Jane, died because they made friends with Redfield and he killed Jane to make her take his place. Well they were really friends, like they played together in the woods and around the ruins, but they never went in the house until the night Jane died. They decided to play Are You Scared? And Jane became the new monster.”

“Brittney’s party,” Jocelyn realized. “That’s why Stacy and Noah didn’t play. And why Val freaked so badly when Cody got in his face.”

“Yeah,” Connor sighed. He remembered that night, how terrified Val had been. “And it just gets worse from there. Jane becoming the monster during the game and them having the rule of everyone playing together made a new set of rules. The night of homecoming, when Noah became the monster, Jane forced them to play the game again.”

“God…” Abel muttered. “If I’d known I never would’ve suggested it.”

“It’s not your fault,” Castor quickly assured him, and Connor was pretty sure he took the taller man’s hand. “You didn’t know, none of us did.”

“Val isn’t going to blame you either,” Connor added and Abel nodded, though he didn’t look convinced.

“Where are we going?” He asked instead, changing the subject.

“The ruins,” Connor answered.

Just as he said it the trees thinned and they stepped out into the clearing holding the crumbling ruins. They fanned out and searched every rock, tree, and shadow for Valen but came up empty. Connor hadn’t really thought he’d be there, but he’d been hoping he was so they didn’t have to search the entire woods because he was getting more and more worried with each passing moment.

Connor knew Val was hurting, and he knew Val was hiding it. Val hated the vulnerability that came with letting people help him, believing the only one that should take care of him was himself. Connor was lucky he was able to comfort Val after a nightmare, but even then it was only until Val could regain his bearings, and then he’d just shove it down with everything else and get ready for the day or go back to sleep or worse, throw himself into some monster hunt or research. He wasn’t surprised that all of that finally caught up with him.

It was hard, sometimes, the way Val shut him out. He sometimes had to remind himself that it wasn’t him, it was what they did to everyone, but it still sucked. It hurt to see the love of his life suffering, constantly, and not being able to help. Not because there was nothing he could do, but because Val just wouldn’t let him. He understood why they did it, with everything with their parents he’d be more surprised if they didn’t. But God it just, it fucking hurt.

“He’s not here,” Jocelyn said what they were all thinking and Connor sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“We could ask Noah?” Castor suggested. “If anyone can find Val he can.”

“No,” Connor shook his head. “Val is stuck in his past, having a shadow monster come at him will just make it worse, even if its Noah.”

“Val…sad?”

Connor turned around at the familiar whispery voice and saw Noah hovering there at the edge of the clearing uncertainly, like he was scared to get too close to the ruins. Connor sighed and approached the ghost.

“Yeah, Noah, Val’s sad,” Connor answered. “He’s out here in the woods somewhere but we’re gonna find him, don’t worry.”

“...I help…?” Noah offered with an earnestness Connor wasn’t used to seeing from him. Connor gave him a sad smile.

“Not his time buddy, you might scare him,” Connor explained.

“Oh…” Noah deflated, his glowing blue eyes turning a grayish blue instead. “I say…hello?”

“I’ll tell him you said hi,” Connor confirmed and Noah nodded before fading into the shadows without any further ado.

“Can you think of anywhere else he could have gone?” Abel asked and Connor stuffed his hands in his pockets as he thought about it.

“I think he told me once he used to live right on the edge of the woods, could he have gone back to his old house?” Castor wondered and Connor shook his head immediately.

“No, he’d never go back there,” Connor answered. “The only other specific places I can think of out here are the cabin and, oh shit, the clearing.”

“There’s a lot of those in the woods,” Jocelyn pointed out.

“No, the clearing where they found Dan,” Connor elaborated. “Come on.”

Connor once again lead the way through the woods, just hoping he remembered the way to the clearing, hoping Val was there, hoping they were safe, hoping he was okay, just, hoping for so many things and worrying about the same amount, so much so that it took him a few minutes to hear the sobs, and when he did he stopped walking immediately.

“What-” Abel started and Connor shushed him.

The other three stopped and followed his order to keep quiet, all of them straining their ears to listen. And they heard it, a heavy sobbing, the kind that ripped itself from your chest and made your ribs and lungs ache as you forced more air out than you could inhale.

“Val,” Castor breathed and Connor swallowed.

“Stay here, please,” Connor pleaded. Not only would Val be overwhelmed with all these people but Connor knew Val wouldn’t want anyone seeing him like this. The others nodded their agreement, though reluctantly in Castor’s case, and Connor followed the sounds of the sobs until he could feel his heart break as he stepped into the clearing.

Val was next to the stump on the ground, on their knees but curled up into a ball so tightly his forehead nearly met the ground. He was gripping his own wrists against his chest and his whole body shook with his sobs, so much so Connor was surprised he hadn’t fallen over.

“Val?” Connor tried to get his attention so he didn’t scare him, but his boyfriend didn’t react, so he tried to get closer. He got a few feet away before Val let out a gasp and stumbled to his feet and backed away from Connor, arms raised as if to protect himself, eyes clenched shut.

“No no no, get back, leave me alone!” Val begged and Connor’s heart fell into his stomach. He’d never heard Val truly beg like this.

“It’s just me, baby,” Connor said gently and Val paused. “It’s just me.”

“Connor?” Val asked hesitantly and opened his eyes to look at him. He looked awful, eyes red and swollen from crying, face splotchy, hands shaking and sleeves rolled up and…oh no was that blood?

“Y-yeah,” Connor forced his eyes from Val’s wrists, swallowing down tears of his own. Damn it, he should’ve been here! He should’ve come here first, not the ruins. Hell, he shouldn’t have gone to get that book in the first place. Val relaxed ever so slightly and leaned against a tree, sliding down it to sit on the ground. Connor sat down in front of them as Val wiped their face.

“God, I look pathetic,” Val muttered and tugged down his sleeves. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for?” Connor asked, more confused than anything.

“This,” Val gestured around vaguely only to wince and let his arm fall again.

“For getting upset?” Connor checked and Val’s eyes fell to his hands in his lap as he nodded. “Sweetheart, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I punched Castor,” Val pointed out and Connor paused.

“Okay, yeah, try not to punch anyone anymore,” Connor admitted and Val snickered a little. “But you’re allowed to get upset and get triggered by shit.”

“Triggered?” Val tilted his head in confusion.

“Like when something triggers emotions and memories related to your trauma?” Connor replied and Val just stared at him blankly. “Do you ever listen to Dan?”

“I listen to Dan all the time!” Val protested. “When he’s not trying to give me therapy.”

“Of course,” Connor sighed and rolled his eyes.

He put his hands out and Val hesitated but slowly put his hands in Connor’s. Connor immediately turned them over and tugged his sleeves back down. Val tried to yank his hands back but Connor gave him a look and he slumped his shoulders in defeat. It didn’t look like anything damaging, more like Val had scratched the skin just enough. Connor pulled a small cloth from his pocket that he always kept on hand for little injuries like this and dabbed at the blood. It looked like they weren’t actively bleeding anymore but Connor planned to patch them up fully when the two of them got back to the cabin.

For a few minutes they just sat in silence while Connor took care of Val’s wrists, but there was a tension to it. Connor didn’t know what to do. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to take care of Val, to ask questions, to handle him with the love and care he deserved, even though he knew Val wouldn’t let him. And that fact made him want to snap, he wanted to scream and yell at Val to let him help damn it, in the hope that it would finally get it through their head that he needed to talk about this shit, to do something other than just ignore it until he drew blood. But none of those things would help right now. So he just sat in silence until Val spoke up.

“You can yell at me,” Val muttered. “I can tell you want to.”

“I’m not going to yell at you,” Connor sighed. He pulled Val’s sleeves back down to hopefully protect the wounds from any more dirt and then shifted his grip so he was holding Val’s hands in his. “I’m just frustrated, baby. You can’t just keep shutting this all down until it explodes out of you like this. It isn’t healthy, for you or for anyone around you.”

“I know,” Val squeezed their eyes shut and his grip tightened on Connor’s hands. “God, I know.”

“Then let me help you,” Connor pleaded. Yet Val still shook their head. “Why? Why do you keep shutting me out like this?! This isn’t fair Val! Every time something happens to me you’re right there to help me through it, but God forbid something happens to you and you’re as much of a ghost as Noah. Maybe more because at least Noah will actually fucking talk to me!”

“I know,” Val whispered again as a tear managed to escape his eyes and Connor froze. Val quickly wiped it away but Connor had already seen it.

“I’m sorry, I just said I wouldn’t yell,” Connor sighed. “I’m just worried about you. I’m always worried about you because you don’t let me help you. I never know what’s going on with you because you don’t let me in. Is it something I did?”

“What?” Val looked up at him in shock., “No! No, no you didn’t do anything wrong. You, God, you’re perfect, Connor. Too perfect. After all of this shit you’re still kind and open and honest and loving and I’m just…I’m not. I’m not okay Connor. I haven’t been okay since I was six. I push you away because, because I don’t want you to see h-how broken I really am. I want you to see the man you fell in love with, not whatever twisted and shattered thing I really am.”

Connor wasn’t proud of it, but he was silent for a few minutes too long. That caught him off guard. He knew Val didn’t have the highest opinion of himself. But the idea that he truly saw himself as some thing instead of the beautiful, good man Connor saw him as? It blew his mind, and it broke his heart. How could he look at himself and not see all the things Connor loved about him? In his lack of reaction Val must have assumed the worst as he took his hands from Connor and looked off to the side at the ground, jaw clenched. The movement pulled Connor from his thoughts and back to the man on his mind. He reached over but instead of taking his hands again he cupped Val’s cheek, gently tilting his head back to look at him. Val’s jaw slowly unclenched as he leaned into Connor’s palm and looked up at him with so much love and trust and hope.

“Valen Ebony,” Connor began as he brought his other hand to cradle Val’s other cheek. “You are the man I love. Not some fantastical, perfect version of you. I fell in love with a kind, beautiful, smartass boy who became the strongest man I’ve ever met. I fell in love with a guy who holds me when I’m sad, who helps me with anything I need, who sits and watches my sitcoms even though he thinks the jokes are bad, who has no fucking idea what I’m talking about when I talk cars and shit but listens anyway, who refuses to admit that he loves stuffed animals despite the collection in our closet. But I also fell in love with a guy who’s too stubborn to budge in an argument, who will drive himself into the ground until I have to physically force him to eat and shower. A guy who steals all my pepperonis right off my pizza, who refuses to admit he’s a massive blanket hog, and never brings a jacket anywhere despite being cold all the damn time.”

Val chuckled and Connor gave him a small smile before continuing.

“I know you’re in pain,” Connor admitted. “I know you have more trauma than I can even fathom. And I know that’s going to come up no matter what we do. But you shutting me out like that doesn’t protect anyone, it just hurts us both.”

“I don’t know what else to do,” Val confessed, voice so quiet it could barely be considered a whisper.

“Talk to me,” Connor answered. “Don’t hide from me when you feel like this. Let me hold you, or listen to you, or whatever it is you need. I want to help, sweetheart.”

“Okay,” Val took a deep breath and met his eyes. “I can’t promise anything. But I can try.”

“That’s all I ask, honey,” Connor grinned and kissed Val’s forehead which got him the most adorable giggle he’d ever heard. He stood up and offered Val his hand. “Let’s get you home, okay?”

Instead of taking his hand Val held both arms up and made grabby hands at him. Connor pretended to sigh but he laughed as he picked Val up by his waist. Val proceeded to wrap his arms around Connor’s shoulders and his legs around his waist like a koala. Connor wasn’t even surprised, just held him close as he headed back into the woods.

********

Val hid his face in Connor’s shoulder as the older man carried him out of the clearing and a few minutes into the woods. He felt him stop and he heard people talking, but he was nowhere near ready to face people or the outside world after what just happened.

Connor’s words kept ringing in his head. He was right, Val knew he was right. And he felt awful for all of it. He felt even worse that he couldn’t just, fix it. Val may ignore a lot about himself, but he knew something he’d been doing since Jane’s death wasn’t something he could just fix overnight because Connor asked him to. It was going to be hard and it was probably going to suck. But maybe, maybe it would be good too.

It didn’t take them too long to get back to the cabin and Connor went to take Val right to their room, but Val leaned up.

“Wait,” Val muttered and Connor paused. “Put me down for a second.”

“You sure?” Connor checked quietly. “You don’t have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to.”

“Yes I do,” Val shook his head. He slid from Connor’s arms to the floor and approached Castor. “Cas, I’m so sorry. I was so stuck back in that damn cave I didn’t realize it was you. I thought I was being attacked or something, and I just reacted.”

“It’s okay, man,” Castor put their hands in their pockets and gave Val a shrug and a lopsided smile. “Trust me that is not the worst thing that’s happened to me trying to comfort someone in this cabin.”

“THAT WAS ONE TIME!” Amalia protested from the living room and both Castor and Val laughed.

“Still,” Val insisted. “If it happens again, feel free to punch back.”

“Deal,” Castor laughed. “Now get out of here.”

“Okay Mom I’m going,” Val grumbled and turned around.

Connor led him back to their room with an arm around his waist and the two of them ended up getting changed and ready for bed, Val held snugly against Connor’s chest. It was safe and warm, and something Val would have to ask for even more than he already got it.

In the morning Val woke up first, though it was still almost ten in the morning. He considered just laying there until Connor woke up, or even going back to sleep but he stopped himself. He had things to do first.

He knew working on that and letting himself be vulnerable with someone was going to be hard, but he meant that promise to Connor. No matter how much it fucking sucked he was going to try as hard as human or inhumanly possible. Connor may have been the one to give his big speech, but God Val loved him with everything he had. There was nothing Val wouldn’t do for him.

So he slipped out of Connor’s arms and grabbed his phone off the charger before he snuck out to the kitchen where, thankfully, no one was. He was still in his pajamas as he leaned against the counter and stared at the button on his phone. Come on Val. Just press it. For Connor.

He pressed it, and the phone started ringing.

“Hey Dan. I know, I know, it’s been too long, I’m working on it. But in the meantime…what trauma counselors do you know nearby?”

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