#until they become numb to it
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Leona never thought you would be the one to shake his miserable existence; he’s far too cynical to use the word ‘change,’ but the thought isn’t far from it.
You, who is nauseatingly sentimental and abhorrently optimistic.
You, who swept up his heart so easily, as though he were a some pathetic lovesick loser.
You, who wrapped your arms around him and dared to feed his feeble hope.
You, who cries the most pitiful and loathsome tears, sickening and utterly maddening with what your foolish feelings do to him, the sense of dread and shame which permeates him.
You, who would be better off letting him go.
It’s a balancing act; some days Leona can tell himself that you’re enough for him to get better, others he’s aware enough to know he’s stumbling towards a bitter end and dragging you down with him.
He feels nothing and everything all at once; his world is senseless until you enter his stage, but you drag along everything else with you. The love comes quick, but so does the apathy and pain and despair.
He wonders, hopes, that on some level, you understand. You just know. Everything that he’s always wanted to tell you, but never been able to push past his lips; that he loves you, that he’s sorry, that he knows and doesn’t know why he’s like this.
That you deserve better; that he doesn’t deserve to be loved how you love him.
Leona pushes you away, and still hopes you catch him when he falls.
On his worst days, another feeling looms over him. He never wants you to leave, but he can’t cause those awful tears anymore if you do. Can’t put you through anything else, further the wound he’s surely already caused.
But the tears spill and you don’t flee. You wrap your arms around him and squeeze and Leona squeezes back.
#sighs leona falling for someone who gives him hope#he’s become numb to everything until you#but then the feelings he’s suppressed so long come crashing down on him too#twst x reader#leona x reader#leona kingscholar x reader#leona kingscholar#twst#twisted wonderland#k.concepts
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“jaime did it mostly for self preservation” “he did it bc he was ordered to kill his father” are not only blatantly incorrect and borderline illiterate reads of what is in the text but idk why people find it unfathomable that someone like jaime would want to prevent thousands of people from violently burning alive. like it is not actually a difficult moral equation which is why it is at the center of jaime’s arc and his relationship to his society because he realizes that the ethical constructs of westeros seem to be in opposition to this very obvious moral choice as seen by how the situation could even escalate to the point that it does through the enablement of the tyrant by the respected institution of the kingsguard and the uncritical upholding of the honor system over an actual coherent moral code. same with the scorn he receives for killing what everybody acknowledges as an objectively horrid tyrant who harmed innocents and violated law that knights are also sworn to protect and uphold and actually contradict by not acting against.
#like u guys r so blinded by agenda posting that it gets mind numbing#seeing ppl that otherwise r not illiterate repeat these points actually kills me#i should be studying but here i am pissing and crying again#and the whole ‘oh he only did it when it was convenient’ that is not the point the point is that he kept upholding what the kg represented#until he was pushed far enough to break and throw it all away#we see that he keeps challenging it and keeps being shut down until it reaches a breaking point#it isnt framed as ‘oh jaime now knows that he can do this bc tywins here haha’#its just he finally reaches the obvious breaking point#bc someone out there has to stop a nuke#and it all becomes clear#jaime doesnt have to be the paragon of virtue to do this but yes he has the awareness and the moral code to do the right thing
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rewatched madoka magica again today bc i fucking hate myself and to absolutely no one’s surprise i went through all five stages of grief in a single evening
#let’s talk about sayaka miki for a second#genuinely the fact that her whole character is centered around tragedy almost to a shakespearean extent#she’s selfless and brave and values her justice and righteousness above all. calls herself an ally of justice#in fact i think it’s rather intriguing how her whole character is centered around “justice”#her story being a more twisted retelling of the original little mermaid#how she is initially portrayed as a very heroic and confident character even before becoming a magical girl. always shielding madoka#selling her soul to heal the boy she loved out of a selfless desire to see him well again#her being absolutely distraught abt being robbed of her humanity and betrayed by kyubey#she combats this harrowing realization by immersing herself in her duties not caring that she is slowly deteriorating in the process#becoming numb with pain and fighting recklessly and psychotically trying to drown out the pain#finally coming to the sickening conclusion that humanity doesn’t deserve her saving and she succumbs to a fate of her making#last words being “i was so stupid” which trumps her previous statement of “there’s no way i’d regret this”#ALSO? the fact that her costume and weapon are symbolic of a knight. she rly portrays this hero of justice who will protect and defend ☹️#i think abt the fact that homura said that sayaka’s wish was so selfless it was only a matter of time before she died#sayaka being the example of what happens to magical girls who go through the entire cycle and eventually become witches is so sad to me#genuinely just like. sick and twisted#very very fucked up.#characters who have their own misconstrued interpretation of “justice” or who are centered around justice in general.#you will always be dear to me.#sayaka reminds me a lot of akechi in some ways ngl#harboring an almost idealized vision of justice but it slowly rots and festers and corrupts their hearts the more immersed w it they become#actually losing their sanity when they fight bc of how much pain they’re in but refuse to acknowledge it until they break#refusing any help and wallowing in misery despite having ppl who love them and want to save them#last words are those expressing regret for being such a fool. for being ignoring#being used by yhe main villain as a stepping stone towards their true goal. they were merely a pawn#also doomed in every version of their reality. always doomed by the narrative no matter what choices they make#i have a type i fear#HAHAHAH ALSO the fact that they’re both dressed so regally compared to everyone else in their respective series#meant to portray them in a virtuous and princely light. only made more apparent by the sword being their weapon of choice#i’m gonna shut up now but they’re soo eerily similar its unnerving tbh 💀
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Amazing times to live in. Presidential candidate gets shot at (again) and we're all like
#'huh. well anyway '#listen if you want anyone to care about you being shot at#maybe you shouldn't vehemently defend people owning the exact same guns he had#and limiting any protection against them#until gun violence is a constant#and everyone becomes numb to it
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Crafters, you NEED to go through your stash of supplies just to admire them, it's good for your mental health
#put all my beads on my desk just to giggle and go teeheehee shiny#especially if you're adhd it is SO easy for your cool shit to blend into the background until you become numb to it
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spent from 10:30 PM to about 3:40 AM at the emergency vet last night with my brother's puppy, Snoop. she's okay, but she ate something that made her sick and I was super scared in light of Stringer's bloat so i wasn't taking chances and took her
she came home with me early this morning and we went back for a recheck around noon and she's gotten the all clear, so here's hoping all dogs stay healthy from here on out!
and no more emergency vet visits, please
#she was eating the blanket at the bottom of her crate in the brief intervals i crated her to walk Stringer#but also was gnawing obsessively on nylabones yesterday she may have ingested parts of#so i can't say for sure what did it but her stomach was all out of whack and they said her x-rays might have shown foreign objects#but the recheck today shows they've all reached her colon and out of her stomach so they will be pooped out on their own#thank fucking god - i was almost hysterical last night before becoming numb sitting in that ER with all those other animals suffering#saw some absolutely horrific things - i hate hate hate going to the emergency vet it's always traumatizing#cause not only are you dealing with your pet and their scares but then total strangers who are also contending with life and death#we got home around 4:15 this morning and i didn't get to sleep until 5ish and then was away by 7 so i'm fucking exhausted#i napped for an hour earlier this evening but i feel tonight i will pass out early
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Thinks abt my lob corp nuggets oh so hard. I may only have second hand half remembered knowledge of project moon worldbuilding but I will still forever obsess over my lil guys who suck absolute ass
#rat rambles#oc posting#I <3 women who are just straight up bad people#this is mostly abt my girl yuri but its also abt my girl juliet#yuri is well. she's certainly smth.#she's very fascinated in psychology and in particular the psychology behind abnormalities#and it is for this reason that shes in disciplinary#for most of her life one of the things that had facinated her most is the mind'd reaction to pain and suffering#so she finds suppressing abnormalities to be very fun and interesting#her girlfriend maxy certainly has an interesting perspective on this aspect of yuri to but it kindly#maxy has a lot of self loathing mostly relating to how numb shes become to everything and how unatural it is for her to care abt stuff#so she sees yuri as a far better person than she is because she still manages to care and be passionate abt things#she deeply admires and loves yuri and feels like she doesnt deserve yuri's affection#maxy is also the only person that I say yuri genuinely cares abt on a personal level#most of the time even ppl yuri rly likes arent safe from her morbid curiosity but she genuinely cares abt maxy's wellbeing#now juliet is generally a lot less extreme than yuri but shes still not great#juliet and her bestie loki both are genuinely very invested in the cause and goals of lob corp which is the first red flag#but juliet is the more noteworthy of the two actions wise because she actually interacts with fellow employees#she was among the first employees here and while she comes off as friendly and nice she takes her job incredibly seriously and doesn't fuck#around when it comes to productivity levels#she generally respects malkuth a lot more than any of the other robots and actively dislikes most of the others#most newbies tend to like her because of her being one of the few higher ranking employees thats friendly and welcoming but most that make#it longer term tend to realize quick that she doesn't care abt any of them#but whats often worse than her not caring abt you is her seeing potential in you#if she sees potential in someone she will make it very clear and do everything in her power to help them realize that potential#one of my other higher ranking guys mason very much hates juliet because of that exact situation#mason rly didnt know what she was getting into when she got hired at lob corp and mostly worked with the much softer abnos for her first#while at the job until she was thrown into the deep end to work on censored#most of the other higher level employees at the time wouldnt be able to make it through a work session with censored but she was#barely. but it was enough that juliet took notice of her and decided that maybe this guy was worth keeping around afterall
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#not to be depressing in new year's eve but i feel so shit right now...#all year i've been so out of myself not enjoying anything#and what i do manage to enjoy takes up like an hour of my life and then it becomes disappointing#that's how i would describe the past few months... disappointing#everything feels flat#I can't manage to hold on to a good feeling for more than an hour or two#i have absolutely no hope for the future and I don't even care about that anymore#nothing feels worth anything anymore#and what's really solidifying that feeling today of all days#is the fact that every year since before I was born my family celebrates new years eve#a few years ago the celebrations changed since my extended family decided to cut us out a bit but my mom brother and i still celebrate#we get yummy food play fun games and just spend the night together until midnight when we toast and go to bed#well this year it's 10:30 and we're already in bed doing the same things we do every day#being on our phones or watching a movie or whatever on our own#and it's just disappointing again#idk if it's the break of the tradition or the fact that the new year doesn't feel important this time#but i feel so fucking sad and numb and depressed#i hate it#I don't even feel like saying the usual ''hope 2024 is better'' shit#i just don't care and i don't think it's gonna be better... it's gonna be the same old shit and it's gonna be disappointing#nothing matters anymore and i don't think anyone fucking cares#i feel so numb...#i don't even know what the point of this post is... sorry about that#hope y'all's new years eve is better than mine (or new year's day idk your time zones)#angel talks#personal
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🎄Romance Advent🎄 Day 13: Dark Needs at Night's Edge by Kresley Cole
One-sentence summary: Blood-maddened vampire assassin Conrad is taken to an old mansion to detox, only to realize that the beautiful dancer he sees (and can speak to) is not a hallucination, but a ghost.
Why read it: I mean, aside from that insane summary, this is a great entry point to Immortals After Dark, and has a hero who is, by IAD standards, baby? I mean, he can and will kill anyone who touches his woman and, again, is clinically insane, but Conrad is allso so wounded and so sweet at his core, and also, much to his eternal embarrassment, a vIRGIN (something his brother loudly points out in front of his ghost girlfriend). And Neomi, our heroine, makes it even better. She's funny, she's angry, she's flirty, and Conrad's brokenness calls to her own in a way that's just gorgeous.
Lives in my brain rent-free: Conrad is in the shower, really determined to ignore the Sexy Ghost Lady because SURELY she's in his head, right? And Neomi, rather determined to get him to break and a former burlesque performer, begins doing an elaborate striptease with lines like "Does Conrad want to see my panties?" (He does. As previously mentioned, Conrad is a 300-year old-virgin.) GOLD. QUEEN SHIT.
#romance novel blogging#romance advent 2023#romance novels#book recs#reader: he folds like a cheap rug#might i add in kresley cole's vampire mythos vampires also can't actually get hard until they meet their fated mate#bc their heart stops beating upon transformation and doesn't beat again until they meet said mate#and first off this is amazing bc they're always like 'AAH! I'VE BEEN SHOT!!!!' bc they can hear their own heartbeats super loud lmao#second this means that conrad was turned into a vampire as a virgin and then couldn't get it up for 300 YEARS!!!#(and mind you: once they get it up for their mates. they cannot GET IT DOWN. until they come while said mate is touching them)#to top this off he became a vampire... while a part of a vampire-killing cult#and then he meets this ghost chick who's like 'you may not be able to get it up but i can see your vampire fangs are vERY happy to see me'#just. chef's kiss.#also i feel i should be clear: he's not like... a cool vampire assassin lol#he's very good at it but he's basically going thru the motions of killing people while [I'VE. BECOME SO NUMB.] blares in the bg#he's like the vampire version of robert pattinson's bruce wayne but without the money
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✍️.
#i haven’t written in so long now bc of how busy i am with school#but i still scribble thoughts down fic ideas just my feelings in general#one of my greatest fears back when i was at the peak of my writing was being happy#becoming happy#i used my writing to gouge out the deepest of wounds not to heal them but to relive the pain until it numbs me out#most of my fics drew from personal experiences or grievances of things i have felt in real life#i got to write smth in passing last october bc i had to deal with my abandonment issues resurging#but recently ahaha i got a boyfriend long time friend turned bf#one of my muses (?) hahaha still is i think#i’ve always been an angst girlie but recently i finally got the urge to write something a little happy#a little established relationship fluff drabble that seeps into my bones#i used to write pain that way and then boom#just a new chapter in my writing life#and when this all ends i might be dooming myself but haha angst inspo!!#am i right????#unwarranted updates#toff.txt
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meds are so funny bc now im emotionally stable in the sense that i don't feel any emotions whatsoever 👍
#the dosage might be a little too high but alas I don't have an appointment until april#or March??????? I don't remember#anyways he'll call me the day before so it's fine#ANYWAYS all this to say i am soooooo numb#IVEEEE BECOME SO NUUUUMB I CAN'T FEEL YOU THEEERE
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Young Haya WIP ft. backstory rambles in the tags
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original character#seeds of the red lotus#sotrl haya#she’s actually really fun to draw#both young and at her age in sotrl/utos#which is very ironic considering who she is as a person#well. who she will become as a person#she hasn’t yet. not at this point#knowing what she did makes it very hard to feel anything but hatred for her#but once upon a time she was a fourteen year old girl left with nothing but an empty house and a little brother on her hands#with no idea where to go from here#she dropped out of school so she could look after and provide for her brother#not like she could afford it on her own anyway#people who knew their parents talk a lot but say nothing at all. they offer condolences but no help#she works until her previously tender hands are now numb and rough with callouses#picking up any odd job she can get just to scrape together enough money to pay for the house and for food#her brother is barely five. she wants to let him mess around and play and have fun but can’t keep an eye on him if she does#he doesn’t see her as authority. she’s his big sister who’d ruffle his hair and buy him snacks on the way home from school#she’s not his mother but she tries desperately to fill that role. he doesn’t listen. she gets harsher#she hates herself for it but doesn’t know of another way. she just wants to keep him safe#the townspeople talk. they say the disease came from the swamp. their house is on the very edge. she’s wary of the far end of the backyard#her brother isn’t. the big trees lining the border of the swamp make for a superb playground. she knows. it was once her playground too#‘don’t go there’ she says. he doesn’t listen. he keeps going. one day he brings back the most sickly looking girl she’d ever seen#she has no compassion in her heart for the girl. only worry and graphic images in her mind of her brother wasting away from the disease#she can tell him to stop talking to the girl all she wants. it’s been four years and he’s grown immune to her attempts at parenting#that’s when she starts to yell. how else is she supposed to make him hear her? if he doesn’t listen he’ll get sick too. she can’t lose him#she doesn’t have anyone else
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Think it would be fun for there to be a ffxiv fic that starts seeming like a "reincarnation into your favorite game" story where the wol is so happy to be in their game as their created avatar but then they experience the events in reality and it's no longer the fun game there are tragedies happening and more to come so they begin trying to work around everything to minimize the death and suffering they know is coming but everything continues on its set path. Think it would be real fun if that wol is in Elpis, everything still going wrong but they desperately try to fix things before the ending they know comes (or worse) while they try to battle the conflicting senses of belonging and not. How fun if the twist is that it was never the typical reincarnation story but the soul was Venat's successor, the last Azem, and the wol is only a shard as the memories shattered.
#ffxiv#ffxiv endwalker spoilers#kinda#bad at describing and comin off an all nighter during exams but hey you feel me? imagine#imagine the wols face is often seemingly saddened and in pain especially around characters they loved and cried over#after so many attempts to change fate but it doesnt seem to budge but while they stay hopeful they also accept this#seeing loved ones only to go through five stages of grief immediately#knowing even if the beloved character lives the suffering remains#the avatar they made originally a fun experience but becomes a cage are their actions their own#would they be able to truly speak? or only force out the words already written to recieve the programmed replies#how would different classes affect them? how long until they become numb to the pain? physical and emotional?#i need to go to sleep
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morphogala is a yuri tragedy. to me
#you lose your partner in ancient times to the very people you protect#you get sealed away for your power and viewed as a demon by some and a nameless challenge by others#you are only let out to battle and are resealed again each time gettingg more dehumanized as the years go#time stops meaning anything people stop meaning everything you keep fighting#until its all that you know and your mind is broken and everyone fears and hates yoh and#but they dont remember you and your true name is lost to time#you live up to the fear you destroy planets you destroy timelines because it doesnt matter to you anymore everything is the same#youve lost everything years ago you are numb to it your lancing hand shakes but all you know is violence so you must endure#all the while your lover has become the god of judgment and has been searching for you for so long#not to reunite not to be together again. youre both too far gone for that#all it can do when it finally finds you is to make sure you cant be fought ever again#echoed voice
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My goal is to give everyone that follows me /or even looks at my posts/ whiplash in the tags.
#heLLO PESANTS.#once again the sea calls out to me whispering sweet nothings into my ear that sound a lot like WOOOSH WOOSH WOOOSH yes i listen i wait#and slowly i become numb growing ever closer to that sweet state of empty bliss where my mind collapses in on itself#where reality bends and shapes and warps like the tides before me collapsing in around my every waking moment#while i disassociate into a world that actually loved me and the waves collide into my very being at last i am home i am amoung the dead#weaping souls of styx lf the forgotten of the sea under the sea the fish forever encased in layers of salt and rock#preserved fine beings let me rest amoung them let me weep so my salty tears may add to the ever growing toxic ocean of wich only the most#unique of crustations survive and thrive#i wish to see beyond the lids of the unknowing and forgotten beings staring up at an endless ocean never seeing the surface always watching#light beams dance far far abouve until the fractured particles leave in pinks and oranges#dropping off into an ethereal deep blue#and finally those gorgeous beams of pale moonlight drifting deeper than any sun beam can penetrate#lighting up the ocean in bioluminescent glory#take me home#country road#to the place#i belong#pinned post
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@xolboragainandagain
#NOOOOOOOOO#Oh god oh fuck oh#That is. Actually one of those weird fears I've had before#If I become Chrysalis with her backstory I'm already fucked#IF I BECOME NEMO THOUGH?#XOLANIE????#LAMBE????? I DON'T WANNA BECOME OJ I HAVE HAD ENOUGH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ALREADY PLEASE#If I become Mister Lavender it's basically the same as normal except I live inside my own story while writing it#And everyone around me is just a character I'm writing who if they know about me hates me either out of resentment or jealousy or both#Gideon. I will have to live with the knowledge.#Gideon is probably the safest at least until the end since everyone dies in different meta ways ofc#Being Nemo. I would not cope.#I'm already overstimulated enough but the whole point of Nemo is that they hear and see everything in the World#to the point of being so overstimulated they just completely disassociate from reality#The disassociation is so bad they consider it 'dying' and being 'reborn' whenever they snap out of it#Because it's so different and hellish than normal and the only brief time they're aware is that one time when they were five#and that little while when they were eleven#AND IF I'M XOLANIE. I HAVE TO FEEL THE PAIN OF EVERY SINGLE HUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD????#Also it'll definitely fuck me up more with my numb emotions if I'm forced to feel the Love of the World like Nemo or the Hate like Xolanie#Chrysalis. Would I be able to leave the story like Chrysalis did?#She was so so brave for leaving but I have no idea if she's dead or alive because she left the story#I'm screwed no matter who I am.#And that is not even mentioning all the Lamp characters who are constantly rewritten in EVERY MOMENT THEY'RE IN THE STORY#tinhj#tagging my other blog so I can find and think about this later
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