#until my therapist pointed it out lol and was like 'it might be time to consider medication'

[villa-kulla]

2024 in review:

January: Strong start, fun at work, creative plans, many outings with new people, successful birthday cocktail bash thrown, plans to keep the momentum going -

January 23rd: cat dies

February: depression/crippling loneliness

March: depression/crippling loneliness

April: depression/crippling loneliness

May: depression/crippling loneliness

June: depression/crippling loneliness

July: depression/crippling loneliness/therapy

August: start dating this guy with whom i have a history because that's just what people do isn't it? he loves me and is ready to settle down, so maybe this is it, maybe i should just settle and join this club of monogamy and kids that i've watched every single one of my close friends join over the past 3 years, leaving my the 7th wheel at every single social function because it's ridiculous that I'm in my early 30s and my most significant relationship was with a cat, maybe it's time to finally grow up and settle for someone, you had a very slutty bisexual 20s back when it was cute, but as long as you're still somewhat attracted to guys, might as well let the pendulum settle that way because it'll be societally easier for you in the long run, and all the while you can ignore the voice in the back of your head that this is wrongwrongwrong and you don't want this, also it's too embarrassing to have a sexuality crisis in your 30s when you've been out since your teens but whatever, and you should settle down anyways because maybe it'll give your life purpose i mean look at your past year, maybe you wouldn't have taken the death of your cat so hard, at least you'd have a built-in social circle, and everyone does say that they never felt truly alive until they have kids/partner, and while your parents never pressure you they've certainly hinted that it's weird you haven't settled down yet and you'd be happier with a family of your own, therefore obviously my life must have no other value, maybe they're right, so let's settle down with a guy whom i quite honestly find irritating now and who doesn't spark joy but it's been hard to tell because everything is irritating to me lately and nothing sparks joy, and i try so hard and stay reasonably social and have hobbies that get me out of the house and am financially stable with a challenging full-time job that's sometimes rewarding and eat well and exercise a lot and these are all Healthy™ things to do so why do i feel like dying every time i wake up and have to face getting through the day, and isn't it pitiful that the one who was always Little Miss Talented and Smart and Pretty growing up has amounted to a sad, lonely, unfulfilled girl who hasn't lived up to any of her creative potential, and people will always see her as a cat lady except even more pathetic because her cat is dead, and maybe my best years are really behind me, and i'll just be stuck forever tagging along after friends who've moved on with their lives, so better commit to this guy you find tiresome right because husband + kids = happiness, maybe those nuclear family people are onto something, maybe husbands and kids are for when the rest of your friends get husbands and kids and you start to lose them because the friendship is different no matter what anyone says, and you've always been good at forcing yourself to do what's good for you, and deep down you know this is nonsense and won't solve anything, but it can't possibly make things worse than you've felt all year, and also this Guy feels like his life is starting over with you, but you feel like your life is ending with him, and the only reason you'd stay with him is so people don't pity you, and more than anything you can't bear for people to pity you and you suspect they all secretly are pitying you simply because you're single and there must therefore be something fundamentally wrong with you, and you used to be able to dismiss thoughts like that as stupid, but then again you used to be a lot more happy, and it gets harder and harder to ignore the thought that something is wrong with you, and the only thing worse than other people's pity is self-pity and every time you stop and think about your unhappiness you cry because you don't see how you'll ever feel happy again and you know you don't deserve to feel this way, but you can't actually remember the last time you were happy, it was certainly before your cat died, and I miss him so much and could this guy just stop fucking texting me for one second, oh god it's me, hi, i'm the problem it's me -

September: depression (but busy!)

October: Meds! / break up with guy + floods of relief!

November: Don't even remember

December: Actually kind of okay!

Anyway, Happy almost New Year!

[todayisafridaynight]

psst for my stream regulars

How does the idea of me starting streams at like 1:30PM (EST) sound. i’ll still plan to run them to like 5:00PM (EST) but now its more definite it’ll actually end then opposed to accidentally going on until like. 7:30PM (EST)

Also im on mobile so i cant make a poll so you gotta let me know through like a comment or somethin ok ty

[yongseungkim]

.

[miss-oranje-disco-dancer]

lips of an angel

pairing: married! leon x marriage counselor! reader

cw: infidelity, p in v, oral, over-usage of 'good girl', regret, leon is an asshole (like, he's really a dick), reader is also not a good person (so, hopefully it's ooc for u lol), not proofread enough

summary: leon is married to ashley (she deserves better) and he cheats on her with reader who is the marriage counselor

a/n: based on a reddit post lol. also, it's time for us to admit that lips of an angel is such a fucking good song and leon would listen to it. (imagining this is id! leon and that song came out around that time so actually it's perfect. anyway, bye)

wc: 2.7k

[edit] taglist

@rigorwhoring

@dilfprayers

@porcelainseashore

@dollita-fawn

@xoxoloveless

@admirxation

@pawrincss

@onlyasimp4-2dbitches

@pr3ttyd0llie

taglist | ko-fi | masterlist

It starts like many horror stories do: with a knock at the door. He's tall, dark, and handsome, standing in the doorframe. Except not that dark, not very tall at all, but incredibly handsome and you've come to find over the sessions you've spent together that his looks are your weakness. His weakness is you. And many other women. Including his wife, who usually attends these sessions, but tonight, he comes alone. Maybe it's the rain that's beating down on the windows - thought it should sound like a warning - that makes you feel sympathetic enough to let him in when you know you shouldn't.

You let him sit on your couch, but make him hang up his leather jacket on the coat rack so he doesn't ruin the furniture. So you can see his biceps better. And his forearms when he rolls up the sleeves of his dress shirt. The first two buttons are already undone, but that's how he always dresses. You know this because you spend too much time looking at him. What does his wife wear? Skirts? Dresses? Pantsuits? She could wear a goddamn clown costume to every session and you'd be none the wiser because you're staring at her husband like he's a piece of meat.

"Not that I'm unhappy to see you, but why are you here?" you ask him. "Your appointment isn't until Wednesday."

"I'm having marriage troubles. I thought you might be able to help."

It's in the job title: marriage counselor.

"Where's Ashley?" It's a loaded question, and the gun is pointed at your entire fucking career.

"She couldn't come. Plus, I don't think she'd like to know about these problems I'm having."

You take a deep breath, contemplating absolutely nothing because you've already made your choice. You made your choice months ago when you had your first appointment with the Kennedys.

“Remember when I said I had a history of cheating?”

“I do. Has this become a problem again?”

“Not exactly,” he says with a slight chuckle that you later find is ironic in nature. “But I’ve been having thoughts…”

“Are these thoughts sexual?”

“Very.”

“Have you tried taking care of it yourself?” You make a hand gesture to signal ‘if you know what I mean’ and pray he knows what you mean so you don’t have to say the words ‘jerk off’ explicitly.

“Yes, but it hasn’t worked.” He looks directly into your eyes when he says it.

"Are these thoughts about a specific person?"

"Yes." 

His answers, which are limited to only a few words at a time, make you feel like you're shaking up a magic 8 ball, and the blue goop reveals a die that has little to say beyond 'It is certain', 'My sources say no', and 'Try again later'. 

“Is there a way you could distance yourself from this person so you don’t have any potential ‘slip ups’?” you ask.

“Sure, but I’d have to stop counseling if I did.”

“Excuse me, Mr. Kennedy-”

“Leon.”

“Right. Leon, I’m not trying to be presumptuous, but are you insinuating that these thoughts are about me?”

“That they are.” His smile gives you a golden star-shaped sticker for guessing correctly.

You give him a scowl. "I'll set you up with a new therapist, then."

“Let me ask you something,” he says, leaning forward, staring right into your soul. “Are you attracted to me too?”

“I’m not comfortable answering-”

“That’s not a ‘no’. Is it?”

You try to wipe the look of shock arousal off your face.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to admit it. I remember you asking a lot of questions about my sex life, especially the parts that don’t involve my wife, and getting visibly flustered when I answered them.”

“Of course I asked questions like that. I’m a therapist. It’s what I do. I’m sorry if you-” 

You should ask him to leave, separate yourself before you explode in frustration. Getting defensive is not a healthy way to argue. You know this. You've told him this.

“If I remember correctly you asked me about how I touch myself, when I do it, if I watch anything.” He doesn't wait for a response from you, but it wouldn't have come anyway. “And, the whole time you were sitting there chewing on your pen, pretending not to imagine it. And then writing it down in a hurry, making sure you got down every little detail.” He taps on your pad of paper.

“Can I see this for a moment?” He snags it from the table beside you and flips through the pages. Without thinking, you leap forward and try to snatch it from him, falling into his lap.

The embarrassing part is when he lifts you off of him. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“It’s highly confidential!”

“Mr and Mrs. Kennedy,” he begins to read imitating your voice.

“Enough.” You use your sternest voice with him - which is far from stern.

“It says right here that Mr. Kennedy is 'a total dick’ but ‘totally fuckable’.”

“It does not!”

“You’re right. It doesn’t. But you were thinking it. Weren’t you?” He looks up with a smile on his face that’s both charming and cruel.

"I'm not playing whatever game you're trying to play with me right now, Leon."

It's the devil's edition of 20 questions, it seems.

He flips the pad closed, and says, “I’ll leave right now if you answer one question truthfully.”

“Fine," you huff, snatching the pad of paper and stashing it out of his reach.

“Did you go home and touch yourself while thinking about me?”

You shake your head vehemently. "No. Absolutely not."

“You couldn’t even make it home, huh? You did it right here, didn’t you?”

You don't have to answer - the look on your face gives it away.

“Was it on the couch? Right where I was sitting? Where I'm sitting right now."

“Fine. You win, you got it right. Are you happy now?” You concede because you want to end this conversation as quickly as possible, so you can go hide your face and die. 

You want him to fuck you within an inch of your life and then you'll die happily. La petite mort? That's what they call it, right? You want that.

Leon just hums in response, giving you no insight into his thoughts. Though it doesn't take a therapist to guess that he's mentally fucking you. To your surprise, he slaps his hands on his thighs and stands up.

When he gets to the door, you say, “Wait-”

“What?” He asks, nonchalant to such a degree that one might believe the events of the previous few minutes never transpired at all.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving. Like I said I would.”

“You’re just gonna leave? Do you get off on embarrassing people? Is that it?”

“No. I get off to you, and you know that." He's oddly defensive despite having the upper hand. "I also know that a large part of you despises me, but it’s because there’s a part of you that wants to fuck me.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

He shrugs. “You’re the therapist, not me.”

“I’m telling your wife.”

“You’re going to tattle on me?" He laughs. “That wouldn’t be very HIPAA-compliant of you, would it?”

“Why are you doing this?" It feels like a nightmare that you can't escape where a terrifying shadowy figure is chasing you while you're screaming out for help and no one's listening. Except, this is more horrific due to the fact that you like it. Your thoughts about the man in front of you are downright depraved. You are both the monster, mirrors of each other. 

"I thought you wanted to fix your marriage," you say.

“My wife wants to fix our marriage. You and I both know it’s doomed. But you’re not allowed to say that, are you?”

You shouldn't be saying half the things you are right now, but it's too late to turn back now. You are the sunk cost. And the ship that was the concept of 'fixing Leon's marriage' has already sailed.

“You want the truth? I’ve known since the moment you opened your mouth that your marriage was done.”

“Then why did you keep having sessions? Was it for the money?” He pauses. “I doubt it. You’re a good therapist. You could get other clients. There was another reason. And, we both know what that reason is, but I won’t make you say it. I’m not that mean.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“And that’s what you like most about me.”

“It is not.”

“Then what is it?”

“Fuck you!”

“Do you want to? I wouldn’t be opposed.”

“Convince me.”

“Haven’t I already?”

“No.”

“Then why are you asking me to convince you instead of telling me to fuck off? You just want me to come up with a reason that doesn’t make you feel bad about doing it.”

“And there isn’t one.”

“No, there isn’t," he says with a bit of pity, knowing he's dragging you down into the second circle of Hell with him.

“You have to swear to tell your wife.”

“Is that a yes?”

He did not swear to tell his wife, but Leon is a cheater and a liar already. If he swore to tell his wife, you'd only be an idiot to believe him. 

“Lock the door.”

He turns around and flicks the lock. “Done.”

You stand up and his mouth is on yours. He’s the best kisser. Silver-tongued, you should've known it. You can fucking taste it too. Metallic. No, that's blood. You bit his lip hard enough to draw blood.

You’re the one who starts undressing him first but he doesn’t make fun of you. He helps you out of your top instead.

“Goddamn you have perfect tits. It’s a shame you always keep ‘em hidden.”

“It’s a professional environment.”

“Yeah, it’s so professional that you fuck your clients in it.”

“I’ve never done this before.”

"Don't worry. You’re not the first therapist I’ve fucked. I’ll lead.” Leon lays you down on the couch  - roughly, but cradling your head so you don’t knock it on anything. 

You gasp. "Leon, the couch is damp from your wet clothes," you whine.

"I promise it'll be soaked by the time I leave."

Before you can open your mouth, he’s kissing down your chest, making his way to your panties. His tongue is good at more than just talking. He has you unraveling within minutes, moaning obscenely.

“As much as love your pretty moans, baby, we’ve gotta be quiet. Don’t want you to get fired.”

“I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t. You’re a good therapist, and a good girl.”

“You think I’m a good girl?”

“So good. And you taste amazing.” He places a kiss on your clit and you nearly cry, having forgotten the feeling of his tongue in the mere seconds you spent without it. “I want you to come in my mouth.” He sucks on your clit until you do.

Leon's lips are dark and puffy when they meet yours - the ones on your face. He asks, “How did you imagine us doing it?”.

“Mostly me on top of you.”

“It’s a good idea, isn’t it?” he says, placing featherlight kisses from your jaw down your neck.

You shake your head. “None of this is.”

“I know. You've got morals. You’re a good girl.” He pauses before whispering into the shell of your ear, “That’s why you deserve to have me however you want me.”

His right hand is busy holding you steady so he fingers you with his left. You watch as his wedding band slips in and out of your pussy along with his middle finger, giving a double fuck you to his wife with each movement.

He seems fascinated by the squelching sounds, no longer focused on getting his dick inside you. The heavy rain outside covers up some of the noise but not enough to save you the embarrassment.

"Jesus. Just fuck me already." You try desperately to avoid sounding desperate, praying he takes your irritation at face value.

But you're too obvious, you wear your sick, sick heart on your sleeve. 

"You want my dick that bad and you haven't even seen it yet."

"I hope it's as big as your ego."

"No you don't. That'd be painful, medically concerning probably."

You want to laugh because he manages to be funny and charming as hell despite being an absolute dick, but that fact makes you hate him more. And the blood that courses through you has nowhere to go but south.

All the while, his fingers refuse to leave your aching center. "Leon," you whine, pushing his hand away, "you're gonna make me cum again."

"I know," he purrs. "I wanna make up for all the months you've spent here by yourself, with your fingers inside you instead of mine."

"I was pretending they were yours." There's no point in saving the confession anymore.

"I'm sure you were, but I've got somethin' better for you, baby."

And, abruptly, he removes his fingers. You watch him unbuckle his belt, and despite this being your fantasy, you look at him like he's betrayed you.

"What?" he says, coyly, "I thought you wanted this."

"I do, but I was about to cum, and you just took your fingers away. You're such an asshole!" You pout like a bratty child.

"Yeah, I know I am," he says - his words are muffled by the square packet he tears with his teeth. He slides on the rubber barrier before he picks you up and sits you down on his cock, disregarding the obscene noises you make as he shoves himself inside you all at once.

You're wet but there's a stretch. His dick is big, maybe not as big as his ego, but bigger than any you've taken before. This is how he gets away with it, you think.

"Fuck, you're tight," he groans. His hands have an iron grip on your hips. "You've gotta learn to loosen up and relax. You're too high strung. This is probably good for you."

It's not, you'll find when the orgasm wears off, but right now it feels really fucking good.

His thumb circles your clit while you bounce up and down, working well in tandem. Ironic, as you've made so little progress in your weekly sessions. As expected, the dual stimulation makes you slick with arousal, opening you up for him.

His voice sounds distant, droned out by your own moans which get even louder as his words get filthier. "Bet all your advice didn't work 'cause your brain was all fuzzy thinking about what my cock would feel like inside you. Or maybe you did it on purpose 'cause you wanted me all to yourself."

"No… n-no-" you say, voice trembling just as your thighs do.

"S'okay, baby. Girls with messy pussies like you can't help it. Just need to get some dick in you and then you can go back to being a good girl."

Can you? Maybe you can a 'good girl' in the bedroom, but a morally-upstanding woman? Even in your own eyes, he's corrupted you.

Still, you call out for him, "Leon," you cry, the singular syllable drawn out. You are lucky that the thunder from the storm is louder than your voice could ever be.

"I know," he says, "I'm close too."

The way your walls squeeze him when you cum drags his own orgasm from him. 

You are oddly dissatisfied at the fact that he spills into the condom, not into you. It feels so impersonal. Because it is. It doesn't escape you that he didn't say your name - not even a pet name - just a simple 'fuck' when he came.

You point him in the direction of the trashcan where he can throw away the physical evidence of the mess you've made.

His pants are back on in a second while you remain naked on the couch.

"Where are you going?"

"Home," he says. "Ashley's making dinner. Don't wanna keep her waiting."

"You're gonna go home to her?" you say, more disappointed than surprised.

"Yeah. What did you think I was going to do?"

Truly, you weren't thinking. If you were, you would not have had sex with Leon. 

"I'm surprised you're not happy. I'm gonna go spend some quality time with my wife. That was your advice - wasn't it?"

"Yeah, but-"

"But what? You're our marriage counselor. I'm just trying to fix my marriage."

"You're doing an awful job."

"I know," he says, with his hand on the doorknob. "See you on Wednesday."

[fandomlurker333]

A lot of people are screaming throuple and just writing the porn (which I get! It’s fun!). But reading them come is not enough for me. lol Toxicity is hot until it’s just damaging and sad for everyone. I want real happiness for these three weirdos.

The end of the film was meant to be the very beginning of something. Just the spark of an idea of them coming back to one another. But the real work starts after. 

And I think it would probably be a step-by-step thing. 

I can see Patrick and Art working to draw closer, with that strong foundation of their childhoods to build off of. Obviously having to resolve the hurt that so much time and distance caused them, and both being willing to forgive. But it’s clear at the end of the film that the door is open for that. They grew up together. There’s a real root of knowing that I think could carry them through the toughest parts early on. Their relationship evolving feels possible.

And Tashi and Art’s marriage would find some breathing room and maybe even some renewed delight for having Patrick present and loving on them both. Kinda seeing each other again through his eyes type thing. Remembering they’re more than who they have been to each other for over a decade (both operating in one mode to survive, never quite enough for each other -- not totally fulfilled and not appreciated in their fullness).

I don’t think Patrick and Tashi would be having sex at this point, but I can see like….tennis dates where they bicker. Just them all learning how to be in each other’s space for extended periods of time and enjoy it.

And maybe Art wouldn’t resent Tashi so much for not being able to give him everything (so much has been taken from her — she just doesn’t have all that much left. She’s been doing her best.) and maybe Tashi would feel more at peace seeing them play each other and knowing Art is really loving tennis, not just playing for her. Connecting with them both in that space and finding joy in tennis again, so it’s not just routine and pain and loss for her.

With that healing happening concurrently (with therapists as support, of course), I think they’d get far. And then once those relationships are more secure, once Art and Tashi learn how they relate to each other when he isn’t winning for her (which would be something new. They don’t know what that looks like yet!) then Patrick and Tashi, having learned way more about themselves in relationship and how to communicate, might start working on their side of the triangle lol. 

I could see them all exploring and working out the intimacy over time — not just sex, but intimacy -- what do they each need and how do they need it? And kink too, the various ways they each want/need to give or receive so they all feel truly satisfied.

And of course they’ll be partners co-parenting. All of them.

I can see Tashi finally grieving her injury, the life she lost, and rediscovering her love of tennis, not to win, but for the joy of being on the court. Her sobs the first time she plays again and it’s not competitively, just a little volley, but it’s like she’s finally alive again. Reminding herself she’s a leader in tennis the space still, that she can build success in that world even without Art’s career, but maybe it looks different. I see a healed Tashi learning to enjoy teaching kids. Taking on more protege. And letting Art and Patrick come help at her tennis camps. 

Art retiring like he said he wanted, running the foundation as Tashi steps back. Realizing that he’s actually pretty good at this business thing and going back to school for a Master’s in nonprofit leadership. Meeting new people. Making friends (that aren’t Patrick). Getting invited to a pottery class and seeing he loves to work with his hands. Playing tennis with Patrick on the weekends.

And my heart for stay-at-home dad Patrick. Who always forgets to change over the laundry and leaves his keys everywhere and puts the babies' shoes on the wrong feet. But my god he loves those kids so goddamn much. Patrick learning to cook for the family and getting really good at it like he does anything he hyper-focuses on. Patrick finally having a home with the two people he loves most and figuring out how to create some routine and stability for himself within that container.

The love in that home. Ugh. I think it’s possible! I think they can do it! It just takes work. 

[warabidakihime]

★ characters: levi ackerman x reader | modern au

★ plot summary: levi helps you get through an episode

★ content warnings : implied su!cidal ideations, talks about mental illness (panic attacks, anxiety, and depression).

★ a/n: just a lil something i wrote out of sheer indulgence cause i am going through it ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა . so i guess you could say this is true to life and the only difference is, i don't have a levi by myself doing all these for me LOL. BUT YEAH, i hope you like this one and i hope it could help other people who might be going through the same thing.

sending everybody hugs!

-

Title: Until When Do I Need to Run?

"What if I'm too tired by the time I reach the 'pinnacle' of my life?"

Your voice sounded soft and vulnerable as you let those words slip through your lips.

Normally, you wouldn't let these kinds of thoughts escape the confines of your mind, but today, your heart was desperately screaming for any semblance of salvation.

Anything that could shed light on your ever-gloomy world.

From the dining table where your boyfriend sat, enjoying his freshly brewed jasmine tea after dinner, Levi raised an eyebrow in your direction. "What?"

You were at the sink, washing the dishes, as it was your turn this week. You chuckled humorlessly as you rinsed a plate rather mindlessly. "It's nothing. I was just thinking out loud."

"And thinking ridiculous things too," Levi said, his voice louder than usual. It didn't occur to you that he had moved until you were spun around, facing him. He was already behind you while you were racking your brains for a response.

"What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" His frown was deep, his gray eyes piercing. Despite being shorter, his presence loomed over you.

Reaching for the kitchen towel to dry your hands, you stayed mute for a few minutes in an attempt to gather your thoughts.

"Work has just been... rough lately, and the stress is getting to me. But today was especially hard," you started. You were speaking slowly, trying to articulate your words as best as you could.

It was something your therapist had taught you years ago. Because of the things you went through growing up and the trauma you'd accumulated, you'd unfortunately lost your ability to speak coherently at times, almost to the point of being considered a person with a disability.

Having such a handicap was frustrating and humiliating, to say the least. It angered you when you couldn't get the right words out or when your mind went blank mid-sentence, rendering you temporarily mute.

Thankfully, you had Levi. He'd been your boyfriend for eight years, and since you got together, life wasn't as draining as it once was. You couldn't be more grateful to him. The two of you had met while you were on a coffee run at work. He was behind you in line, and when your card was unfortunately declined and you didn't have cash on you, you almost had an anxiety attack.

In his own way of displaying kindness, Levi scoffed from behind you and handed the cashier his card to pay for both your orders.

"If you don't want to go through something like that again, make sure you have cash on you, dumbass."

And the rest was history.

You went quiet again, and while Levi waited patiently, he took your hand, gave it a loving squeeze, and led you to the living room so that you could sit and talk comfortably.

Once you were settled, you took a deep breath, which sounded shaky as it escaped your lips. Your emotions were clearly piling up inside, and it was just a matter of when they would burst.

"Steady your breathing first, Y/N," Levi said as he rubbed your back gently, doing his best to comfort you while you grounded yourself. "Take your time."

Smiling sheepishly at him, you did as told, and then finally, you continued to confide in him.

"Nothing major happened, but work has been really hectic recently due to the amount of things we need to do, and it doesn't help that my team is severely understaffed. So, I guess the fatigue and stress have been piling up, and it's getting to me."

Levi noticed the tension in your shoulders and the way your hands were trembling slightly. He reached out and gently massaged your temples, his touch soothing.

"Any word on that incompetent manager of yours? They're looking for a replacement, right?" Levi asked, his voice tinged with annoyance. He knew the lore of what was happening at your workplace, and to say that he was pissed was an understatement.

Not only were you neglected by your immediate supervisor, but you also had to catch up and do his workload while still getting paid less than him. The whole thing was a mess, and to be completely honest, Levi was on edge, worried for your well-being. It sucked that his worst fears were manifesting.

"They're doing the best they can, so I'm just waiting patiently on that."

Levi let out a 'tsk' and rolled his eyes, clearly more annoyed for you. The gesture caused you to giggle a little.

"And to sum it all up, the whole thing kind of shoved me into another episode, and I started to overthink things again." You said with a pout, then continued, "I started to think of negative things again, like the fact I literally have to work like a horse just so I can survive for another two weeks. From that, I started to get dizzy because it dawned on me that it would literally take me years to succeed. And then I thought, what if by the time I reach the most successful point of my life, I'm too tired to celebrate or to even continue living because that's what I've been striving to achieve for so long, and that's where I've been pouring all my energy—"

"Okay, stop. Stop right there," Levi interrupted, his voice firm. He let out a frustrated sigh and pulled you closer, taking your hands in his. "You're spiraling, Y/N. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. We're going to tackle this together, one step at a time. Right now, you need to breathe and relax."

His gray eyes held a stern yet caring expression. "Focus on the now, Y/N. We deal with problems as they come. I'm here. I'll be your anchor, but you have to let go of the rope a little."

You looked into his eyes, feeling the weight of his words. Levi had always been your rock—the one who grounded you when your mind spiraled. You knew he was right, and his presence always brought you back to reality.

As you sat there, hand in hand, you felt a sense of calm wash over you.

"Thank you, Levi," you whispered, leaning in to rest your head on his shoulder.

Levi noticed the shift in your demeanor. He squeezed your hand reassuringly, his other hand coming up to stroke your hair gently.

"You know, Y/N," he started softly, his voice a stark contrast to his earlier firmness. "You're incredibly strong. You've faced challenges I couldn't imagine, and you’ve come out stronger for it. But even the strongest people need to recharge."

He paused, giving you a moment to absorb his words. "It's okay to not be okay sometimes. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. What matters is how you deal with it. And right now, you're dealing with it by talking to me instead of keeping all that to yourself, and you've also been really consistent with it, which is a huge step. Good job."

Levi squeezed your hand gently again. "We'll figure this out together. Maybe we can start by setting some boundaries at work. Or maybe we can find some ways to de-stress outside of work. We can try new hobbies, or just spend more quality time together."

You felt a lump form in your throat as you listened to Levi's words. Just him being there for you brought so much warmth; it's as if he's hugging you from within.

At that moment, you realized how lucky you were to have him in your life.

You looked up at him, your eyes filled with a mixture of gratitude and vulnerability. His words, spoken with such gentle sincerity, had a profound effect on you. It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. You realized how much you had been bottling up and how much you had been neglecting your own well-being.

"Thank you," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "Thank you for always being here for me. I don't know what I would do without you."

Levi smiled softly, reaching up to brush away a stray tear that had escaped your eye. "You don't have to figure it out alone, Y/N. And never, ever hesitate to reach out to me. I am the last person that would push you away."

A comfortable silence settled between you as you both took a moment to appreciate the connection. The soft glow of the living room lamp casts a warm ambiance, creating an intimate atmosphere.

"I know I've been a bit of a downer lately," you admitted, your voice trembling slightly. "I hate that I let this get to me. I hate that I'm becoming this person who's always stressed and overwhelmed."

Levi squeezed your hand tighter.

"You're not this person, Y/N. You're going through a tough time, and that's okay."

You nodded, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. It was comforting to know that you had someone who understood and supported you unconditionally.

The conversation continued, flowing naturally as you shared your fears and worries with Levi. He listened patiently, offering words of encouragement and practical advice. You felt a sense of peace as you opened up to him, something you hadn't done in a long time.

Hours seemed to fly by as you talked. The initial darkness outside had given way to the soft hues of dawn. Levi's grip on your hand never loosened, his presence a constant source of comfort.

Eventually, the weight of exhaustion began to creep in. You yawned, your eyes heavy with sleep. Levi noticed and smiled gently.

"It's late, Y/N," he said softly. "Let's head to bed."

You nodded, your head leaning against his shoulder. "Mkay. Thank you, Levi."

Levi kissed the top of your head. "You're welcome. We'll talk more about this tomorrow if you want, alright?" 

You nodded, a sheepish smile on your face. "Okay."

He stood up and stretched, a yawn escaping his lips. "I'll get us some water."

You watched as Levi moved toward the kitchen, feeling exponentially better, all thanks to him. When he returned with two glasses of water, he handed you one and sat back down beside you.

"Drink up," he said, his voice soft but firm.

You took a sip, feeling the cool liquid soothe your throat. After finishing the water, you placed the glass on the coffee table and turned to Levi.

"Thank you, Levi, for everything," you said, your voice full of sincerity.

He gave you a small smile, his eyes reflecting his affection for you. "Always, Y/N."

Setting his glass aside, Levi suddenly cupped your face with his hands, his touch gentle yet commanding. He leaned in, his lips capturing yours in a kiss that was more passionate and eager than usual. His kiss conveyed all the love, support, and reassurance he wanted to give you, grounding you in the moment.

You responded in kind, your arms wrapping around his neck as you melted into the kiss. The intensity of the moment made your worries fade away, replaced by the warmth and love radiating from Levi. He pulled you closer, deepening the kiss, his hands moving to your waist, holding you securely.

When you finally pulled away for air, you rested your forehead against his, your breaths mingling. Levi's eyes were soft but intense, filled with a promise of unwavering support.

"You're not alone, Y/N," he whispered, his voice husky with emotion. "I love you, and I'll always be here for you."

Tears of gratitude filled your eyes as you looked at him. "I love you too, Levi."

With that, he took your hand and led you to the bedroom. You both settled into bed, the weight of the day's worries feeling lighter. As you lay there, wrapped in each other's arms, you felt a sense of peace and security that only Levi could provide.

"Goodnight, Y/N," Levi murmured, his breath warm against your ear.

"Goodnight, Levi," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

The room fell into a serene silence, only your steady breathing filling the space. Levi’s arms around you felt like a shield against the world’s troubles, and the steady beat of his heart was a comforting rhythm that lulled you into relaxation.

As sleep began to pull you under, you felt a tender kiss pressed to your forehead while Levi’s fingers lightly traced soothing patterns on your back—his way of reminding you that he was always there, ready to lift the burdens you carried.

[girlyassumes]

Revising a past event

As someone who revised something from the past (read the full success story here), I want to give some tips on how to do that if you’re not sure how or are struggling to do it. I’m also working on another revision, so I’m right here with you.

What is revision?

In case you don’t know what exactly revision in LOA is, it’s basically rewriting something from your past and entering a parallel reality where that past event didn’t happen. You might be thinking, “wow, that’s insane. You’re crazy.” BUT, to be fair, I had no idea it was possible until I tried it myself and successfully did it. And, you do a quick Google search, quantum leaping is a very real, scientific thing.

Also, just as a disclaimer, I’m no expert, coach, or therapist. This is me going off of my own personal experience and what ended up working for me, and what’s helping me right now. I know this can be harder with bigger, more traumatic past events - I’m not downplaying traumatic past experiences and saying revision is a cake walk for everyone. But, it is possible to do or at least work towards from my own understanding.

Tips

Gaslighting yourself - I know this sounds wrong and terrible, but hear me out lol. When I say gaslight yourself, I mean that every time a memory of what you’re revising pops into your head, you tell yourself, “that didn’t happen.” You can even add, “[this] is what happened.” Also, don’t be harsh towards yourself about it, especially if it’s something big/traumatic you’ve been coping with.

Visualizing a different version - Try to envision a different version of yourself who didn’t go through that experience or imagine a friend saying, “I don’t remember that happening. What are you talking about?” Using the power of your imagination is a huge part of what LOA is all about.

Writing a story - scripting is a technique commonly used to help manifest. In revising, it can definitely be helpful when you’re replacing a past memory with something else. You’re quite literally rewriting it.

Practicing it on small things first - I strongly recommend this because this is what I did first before revising a bigger past event (fixing a craft project vs ditching the memory of a past relationship). I was working on weaving a basket since that’s something I enjoy, but I noticed my stitch work was looking really uneven. I was already far along in my project, so I had no desire to go back and unwind my yarn. Instead, I told myself that it has looked even the whole time and kept going. Without even feeling the shift, about an hour later, I looked at it again and the stitch work looked so much neater. If you want another story and detailed explanation, watch Danielle Desautelle’s video on this (you might see my comment with this same story I just talked about lol).

Avoiding or pushing away conversations about what happened - this can be hard at times if other people know about this past event and it comes up in conversation. It unfortunately can happen (it has for me recently). But, try to steer away from talking about it, if possible (unless you absolutely need to). This way, it starts to push the memory out of the 3D realm.

Reassuring yourself - if this process feels hard to do, obviously stop or let up on it, but you can also reassure yourself that it’ll feel better once it’s over. I’m telling you, my brain has a big tendency to feel fuzzy when thinking about the past event I revised and I stopped feeling the urge to ever bring it up again. It’s such an odd yet relieving feeling to have it pretty much chucked out of your memory.

How does it feel after it happens?

Like I just mentioned in my last point, your brain may get this fuzzy feeling if you try to remember what happened. Or, certain portions of the event - or the entire thing - are completely forgotten about altogether. You might also feel a sense of discomfort and/or relief from that change happening. When I felt that odd sensation of discomfort and relief simultaneously is also when it occurred to me that a shift had happened.

You also might see changes in your 3D reality, not just your own emotions and mentality, depending on what you revised and if there was something else put in to replace the situation. Like I mentioned in both my stories, there were physical changes like my stitch work improving and my friend texting me less, including going radio silent on certain days.

Keep in mind, when you manifest, there are many, many things you might be revising without even realizing or thinking about it. When people say, “circumstances don’t matter” in relation to manifesting, you’re pretty much erasing (or diluting) what happened to get you to a certain situation or what’s happening currently in that situation. It happens more frequently than you think.

[ozwuv]

If I have hand pains (as artists get) what’s should I do? Do you recommend any exercises?

hmmm so i don't get hand pains necessarily, but i did damage my ulnar nerve pretty badly end of 2019-2020 from the oz fanbook grind lol. this led to a constant, dull pain in my dominant arm and persistent numbness in my hand. for a long time, i couldn't hold a pencil at all and to this day my grip is pretty weak. i remember when acnh came out in march 2020, i cried out of frustration constantly bc my grip was so lax i couldn't play.

that said, i'm speaking from experience when i say that taking advice on stretching techniques i found online made things way, way worse for me because it exacerbated the nerve damage i didn't know i had until i saw a doctor. the wrong kind of stretches can be more damaging than helpful if you're not doing them correctly, and especially if you have some kind of underlying issue that would be counterproductive for. the same thing goes for wrist braces and such -- a lot of people recommend them, but the wrong kind of brace can damage you further, and you should not be constantly wearing a brace unless a medical professional has told you to; constant usage of braces weakens your muscles over time because the brace prevents you from actually using them. if you have the means for it, i would really recommend consulting a physical therapist for preventative care.

but i didn't have access to medical care for a long time, so i get that's not feasible for everyone. if that's you, basic harm reduction guidelines are good to keep in mind. these are going to be things you've undoubtedly heard before, but they're drilled into your head for good reason:

take breaks. set a timer for every ~30-60 min and every time it goes off, get up, walk around, flex your hands and wrists, etc. ideally at least 10 minutes.

keep plenty of water within arm's reach at all times. hydration manages/prevents pain more than you might think. as soon as my grip gets too slack, i know that i need to stop drawing and drink a ton of water, but you should be drinking fluids at a semi-constant rate so you don't get to that point.

if you're in pain, stop drawing. no "i'll just wrap up the lines and then stop" -- listen to your body. if you're hurting, you've already pushed it too far and anything more is just going to make it worse.

posture posture posture -- any kind of posture advice for office workers generally applies to drawing.

^if you use a screen tablet (like cintiq or ipad) it's going to be virtually impossible to maintain good posture without buying a tablet arm or something. in cases like that, you should place even more of an emphasis on harm reduction or maybe even consider switching to an analog tablet so your monitor is at eye level. personally i'm in it for the longhaul with my ipad though lol

unfortunately advice like this kinda sucks for ppl with ADHD (meee) because pausing in the middle of something can cause you to become distracted or lose motivation. i don't really have a solution for that, but ultimately i got to the point where the nerve damage was so bad that i solidified these habits to prevent making it worse. i do get distracted and lose motivation a lot, but i did that to myself by not treating my body with the care it deserved.

if you take one thing from this response, let it be this: if you don't already experience chronic pain and/or nerve damage while drawing constantly without taking necessary precautions, it's not a matter of "if" you develop these issues, but "when". if you don't already have chronic pain from drawing, your goal right now should not be to preemptively look into things to remedy it, it should be seeking to prevent these issues altogether. work in some good habits, even if it's just taking breaks every now and then. even just one break per drawing is better than no breaks at all. i thought i was immune to these issues for over a decade & then i developed arthritis in my upper vertebrae at 20 years old lol nobody is immune i prommy<3

[our-queer-experience]

I am afab, but recently I have been questioning my gender. I at least want to feel masc, I think I want to cut my hair, and get a bit bigger, and dress more masculine, etc. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the idea of top or bottom surgery (definitely not bottom surgery lol) but i think i might like to try binding. I used to imagine what my name would be if I was a boy (I could only think of one and I didn't like it lol) I have always been attracted to more masculine characters in media and I kinda want to be them.

The idea that I might be ftm has gotten into my head and now I can't shake it loose, but I haven't experienced a whole lot of dysphoria? (Or if I have, I wouldn't know for certain, but I recently had to try on a few dresses for my family and I was severely uncomfortable to the point where I cried several times lol) (I was also told that I was very girly by some friends as a kid and haven't worn a dress and have avoided the color pink since then lol)

Funnily enough I have been feeling more comfortable with my femininity since I started to explore my potential masculinity, but idk if that's just because I'm getting older

I haven't experienced intense body dysphoria, and am not unhappy in my body? I don't really know if this qualifies as gender dysphoria but I just cannot stop thinking about it and I was hoping to get some opinions lol

Thank you if you've read this far, and thank you so much if you take the time to try and help me out with this, lol

so there are three different types of dysphoria that are often talked about- social, physical, and mental(let me prefice this by saying it is not medically recognized this way, but this is how ive heard some therapists explain it).

physical dysphoria is jusy what it sounds like. a discomfort with your body because of how it relates or doesnt relate to your body.

social dysphoria is the discomfort you get being socially recognized as the gender you dont feel like you are.

and mental dysphoria is like discomfort with how your brain processes gender, like being uncomfortable with being a female-bodied boy or a male-bodied girl or nb with any body.

using me as an example- i had bo dysphoria with my secondary or primary sex characteristics until i started puberty at around 10/11, but ive had social dysphoria since 7ish. my mental dysphoria mostly surrounded me feeling like id always be too much of a boy to be considered a girl, but becausenof my body id never be considered one of the boys. personally, it was that not belonging to either gender or sex that was difficult.

you can have different combinations of all these types of dysphoria! folks can have just social dysphoria or just physical dysphoria or even none at all. some transitions are fueled by euphoria- the sense of joy or happiness or contentedness when recognized as the gender you feel you are.

but if were talking about gender dysphoria, the one from the DSM, they do have written criteria that is quite helpful! althought, keep in mind, not every trans person qualifies for the diagnosis- some people have the diagnosis but as they transition they stop qualifying for it, or they transition without ever having the diagnosis, or they dont transition and dont have the diagnosis but are still trans… we contain multitudes!

“The DSM-5-TR defines gender dysphoria in adolescence and adults as a marked incongruence between one’s experienced gender and their assigned gender, lasting at least 6 months, as manifested by at least two of the following.

a marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics(or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics)

a strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics(or in young adolescence, a desire to prevent the development of anticipated secondary sex characteristics)

a strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the opposite gender(or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).

a strong desire to be of the other gender(or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).

a strong desire to be treated as the other gender(or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender)

a strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender(or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender)

In order to qualify for the diagnosis, the condition must be associated with clinically significant distress, or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.”

but the most important part of the question “am i ftm” is really this- do i feel like a man? when i look in the mirror, do i see a man/am i happiest when i see a man? do i consider myself a man?

these questions are complex- id recommend keeping a journal to document your thoughts on this, to help you reflect on your emotions and experiences. that helped me be quite confident in my identity. i also listened to a lot of interview- laura jane grace has great insights, youtubers like jammidogger or noahfince or sam collins talk about their own transitions a lot.

you can also try socially transitioning to see if it feels right- getting a gender affirming haircut, trying out a new name, asking your friends and family members to call you he/him to see if it feels right. of course, do this all within the bounds of your safety, which comes first. it can take a while to figure out, and you may never figure it out, but its worth trying.

[smaeemo]

I have a hard time with writing, only because I have so many ideas and thoughts, but getting them down in a grammatically correct way that is also readable is unbelievably hard. I envy the people that love to write, because I love to talk, love to share my ideas more than anything, but finding people who want to listen? Harder than it seems, so writing seems like the best answer right? I wish it were as easy as that, I just word vomit on a page and hope it's coherent enough to get my point across. I think that one day I will get good enough at writing that people will want to read and enjoy my writing. I have so many good ideas, and enough time on my hands to perfect a short novel. I just can't find it in myself to write well, and I am sitting here going "I think I am writing this Tumblr post well, so what will people think?". But as it seems, I still don't think it's good enough to share.

Sometimes I write things down in a diary and then leave it, but it's too much pressure, what if someone reads it and starts to not only judges me but also judges the writing. "That's not where a comma goes" they'd say.

I started writing my thoughts and feelings on paper, then trying the courage to burn them. I got scared of that too, I don't want to start a fire I reasoned. I held the matches up to the pages, the same matches that light my grandmas yahrzeit candles, it just didn't feel right, so I put the papers down and put away the matches. "Tomorrow I will do it" I said to myself.

The pages are still in a box I like to call "My shit box" where I keep all of the "shit" I don't know where to put. Inside said "shit box" are small weird glass animals (lol) that I got from my ex-therapist's office every time I went to see her. I later fired her for "being too empathetic" and then moved all of the animals from my desk into the sad repurposed shoe box. And Thus "the shit box" became as it is now.

Over the years it has started to accumulate, pictures I liked, but not enough to hang up, movie tickets I saved from a cancelled "date", old math homework that I got 100% on, "My kids might want to see this: I said to myself at 3AM while hurriedly cleaning my room because I saw a beatle in the corner of my room while trying to sleep. The box also has small knick knacks I found while "out and about", a leaf I thought looked perfect enough to save, a bottle cap that had slightly melted into the asphalt during the summer from hell, and a pair of earing that my grandma gave me for purim. "I saw these and thought of you" she said to me. They are ugly sparkly red white and blue giant studs that are possibly the last thing that I would ever wear, even after I got my ears re-piecered.

The earings themselves aren't what made me put them in there, but instead I put them in there because my grandmother is 80, and "She's going to die soon, keep everything she gives you as a memory". I think I only just realized truly, I don't really want her to die. I mean I never did want that or wish for it in the slightest. I just never really thought about it until she broke her hip, and started to "make the turn".

I made her paper flowers the other day. I used some old news papers (she still buys them every day and asks me to get them for her when the porch is icy) and cut them into separate flowery pieces on accident. I had originally been looking for something to cut, I had just found my good scissors and wanted to make something. I was going to use paper, but my grandmother had called me into her room a week prior to tell me "I worry so much about your generations paper usage" as if her generation didn't also use an outrageous amount of paper too, given that they didn't have computers for better or worse. Anyways, I used some news papers, stuff I assume was from a while ago because it had made its way under one of our three couches in a living room clearly designed for no more than 1. I started by taking the newspaper and making some paper snowflakes, because you know scissors and paper and fun and all that. But that slowly blossomed (lol) into paper flower heads. I stuck all the newly made "blooms" onto some already destroyed paperclips that I wrapped in a destroyed sock (curtousey of the last time I found my good scissors) and then put them all in an empty medication container that I then wrapped in stickers. I set this all in her room with a note that said "Thought you may enjoy some flowers that don't wilt" and left it at that. 2 days later she walks into my room and goes "did you make these for me?" "yes I did" "oh how nice", then over the next week she kept walking in and asking the same inquiry if I had made them or not. Sometimes she would compliment them and other times she would simply state how wasteful I had been. I realized then, I should start saving all of the moments I have with her. So now when I look into my "shit box" and see the ugly patriotic earings (I was born on July 4th and she takes that very seriously), I no longer see what a younger me would have seen "she doesn't know me that well" has a brand new meaning. I decided I no longer wanted to look at the earings she gave me, and dwell on the fact that I had indeed saved them for a reason, and instead started to sift through the box. Finding all of the letters I had written and meant to burn. "Maybe today is a better time, after all it just rained". So I pack up my papers under my arm and put away the "shit box" and head downstairs. I start my hunt for the matches forgetting why I didn't burn them the last time. I find the matches, but evidently I put them away again. "better save those for my grandmother" I say to myself, unaware of the truer meaning behind those words until now.

"oh" I say as I head back up the stairs.

"Maybe next time," I say as I put the letters back into the "shit box" pointedly avoiding eye contact with the earrings.

I sigh, and sit in my chair, and try to write another letter, that evidently, will never get burned.

[femmefatalevibe]

What tips do you have for someone who is trying to date/get out there but has become really jaded by people (especially men)?

I'm trying to get out there and go on dates but I'm SO jaded and negative towards it. Like I'll go on a few dates with someone and get attached too easily and then they end up being a terrible person, or I'l go out with someone a few times and feel nothing towards them. Then by the end I'm like "woe is me, I'm gonna die alone, this is stupid bullsh*t."

I feel like I always get hurt or that there's no point bc I never find anyone that I like that is also interested. (I'm also pretty picky, so I'm sure that's part of why I don't really get many dates lol).

I feel like there's a bit of an all or nothing mentality when I meet them like "we're either going to be together or this is going to fall apart". and I hate that mindset.

I've mostly avoided it because I don't want to be hurt, and part of me is still fighting that part that's trying to protect me from being hurt. It's just frustrating because I want to date but it can feel like nobody wants to date me (which is something I'm def. working on with a therapist). Every time I meet a guy that seems interested, I try to remind myself there's no other shoe to drop, then another shoe always drops.

TLDR: How can I date without getting too attached/not feeling anything and stop worrying about if I'm going to get hurt or not? Is there some way to look at dating in another light that takes some of this pressure off?

Hi love! I feel you on being jaded when it comes to dating/the dating scene.

My best advice is to reframe dating as a self-discovery journey (versus a self-imposed mission to find love). Get to know these people as a way to learn what characteristics you like, dislike, desire, and/or despise in a (potential) partner. Consider the qualities, gestures, and character traits that you find compatible or incompatible with your needs and values along the way. You might just find particular green or red flags you didn't know to look for until you encounter them in the wild.

Instead of telling yourself ""we're either going to be together or this is going to fall apart," try to evaluate the relationship by discerning the compatibilities vs. the incompatibilities you see. After some time, you probably will start to see some patterns and early warning signs of incompatibilities or toxic behaviors before you invest too much time or energy into the relationship.

Before a date, just think of the meeting as a networking opportunity. it offers you the opportunity to learn about someone else, observe how you present yourself to others, discuss likes, dislikes, hobbies, values, etc. and see if there's a connection there. Every date brings you closer to better understanding yourself and what you're looking for in a partner, so finding someone who is long-term partner potential is simply a welcomed bonus.

Hope this helps xx

[wakanai]

Red Flag Reblog Game (?) but also a rant lol.

in honour of 'cutting off' a friend I didn't like (not really cutting off but more like. being honest about how I feel and both of us mutually deciding to not be as close as before as a result),

let me make a list of my red flags.

Because this is the second time I've cut off a friend like this 😭

Okay here we go...

🚩 Gets drained easily. High need of alone time.

🚩 Seen zones and late replies. Does not like people who can't understand my seen zones and late replies even after I've explained to them this habit before hand.

🚩 Deletes messages. I delete messages and then send a new message when I feel like the OG message could have been better phrased. I delete messages randomly sometimes for other reasons too.

🚩 Does not like clingy people who need to talk to me or be with me 24/7. This friend I 'cut off' (ughh cut off isn't rlly the right word. maybe, 'demoted friendship'? IDK 😭. Yeah lets just call it DS).

This friend I DSed once followed me w the intentions of dropping me to my driver. I told her, "I feel like being alone right now."

She said "No." and continued following me so I ended up talking to her. It was a good convo but I didn't like that she didn't take me seriously.

Next day, she tried to follow me again but I said "No I'm serious" sternly and started walking fast away from her

🚩 Acts light hearted during confrontations. When I confront someone abt something they did that bothers me, I say it in a light tone as to not 'hurt' them too much. This leads to them sometimes not taking me seriously.

🚩 Good at pretending that everything's fine. In 2 of my friendships, I have ignored their grieviances against me until the point it piled up, I had harbored too much hidden dislike against them and the next time I confronted them abt it, it was when I was already cutting them off.

Both friendships were shocked and did not expect that I had harbored things against them

🚩 Sensitive. (not really a red flag but you know, the thing w my friend I just DSed - - she said she just had satirical humour. She told me (not actual words) , 'I told you many times not to take my words at face value. If you haven't learned that, then clearly you aren't learning.'

In truth, I did not find her 'humour' funny and I found the things she said to me while we were still friends extremely discouraging 😭

🚩 Does not say everything that's on my mind at times.

🚩 Not pushy. In some situations - you NEED to be pushy. I am bad at being pushy but every day is progress ig

🚩 Might be socially awkward <<sometimes>>

🚩 can be rough w friends sometimes. <<sometimes>> (never with ill intentions though!! I don't do it to hurt them, it's just my hands are kind of heavy ig 😭)

🚩 Not confident in self.

🚩 Does not talk much about myself.

🚩 procrastinator

🚩 Dense. Dense. Dense. Dense. Do not give me 'hints' about how you feel. I might not interpret them properly.

🚩 People get attached to me because I listen to them. In fact, I LIKE listening to them. If they're my friend, I comfort them and am there for them.

It's when they start hurting me that I start hating them.

As mentioned above, I have a tendency to tolerate A LOT before deciding I don't like them as my friend.

Since I tolerate a lot, and act normal,

They usually get caught off guard when I tell them my feelings.

By the time I explain that I dislike them and/or want to 'take a break' or 'cut them off' they get shocked and sad

because they've been sharing intimate things to me and now they're about to lose me.

A lot of times I'm the 'listener' friend or 'the therapist' friend.

If I had to put it in words, sometimes I'm a machine that absorbs the rants and troubles of other people and gives them comfort. I use the word 'machine' because to SOME people (some not all) - I feel like a tool that they use when they need to express their emotions. Just a tool. Nothing more. They don't treat me well.

When I dislike the person, that machine runs out of battery and suddenly dies. But while it's still alive, this machine may not give a sign that it's running out of battery.

So the person continues hurting it and using it. And it suddenly dies on the person.

So the person is left feeling sad, confused, angry, and maybe regretful..but they probably understand. because the machine gives them an explanation.

If they don't understand, not my problem 😭

Yeah I think that's all my red flags. IDK.

Another thing

I guess it would be interesting and fun to see other people reblog this with their own red flags. So if u want to, feel free. feel free to rant ur experiences as well ig.

[whit3-lotus-fac7]

Alright so this is my first post hello!

These are fanaspects but gonna bffr the only reason these are being crated is bc I was annoyed some were making a 7 deadly sins but wouldn’t make all of them so I’m here (so couple things 1 i haven’t read any of the others so if any of them sound similar to another 7DS fanassprcts it’s bc we’re doing the same words and concepts, 2 sorry for any misspelling I’m dumb) ok imma just explain how there gonna be formatted

7DS aspect

Main thing, secondary thing (like how light is luck, knowledge (I know there’s more I just see those as the main things)

(One bard explanation (I like bards), one other aspect explanation)

Wrath

Pain, vengeance

( like a bard with neglect the pain they went through sort of like coping or disassociating from it, and or invite people to destroy because of their pain, they might neglect the feelings of hate they get from not getting something like their vengeance until they eventually explode and go gamzee, or invite people to do whatever it takes to get their vengeance, and a sylph might heal peoples pain, whether mentally or physically or heal a lack of pain (I know this sounds like doom, but it’s more like torture bc it’s just pain), or my work through somebody not getting there vengeance sort of like a therapist, or heal somebody’s lack a vengeance getting them to get their vengeance (closer to doom as this could involve murder)

Greed

Possessions, literal greed

(Like a bard would let There possess either or be destroyed without putting up a fight, and there greed for others would destroy there social life or like make the person affected do bad, like petty theft, or something of the sort, and a Thief would litterly be a Theif, maybe they would be able to steal items from someone to there advantage like “lol I have your weapon now tf you gonna do” or “lol I have your diary now time to expose your ass)

Lust

Obsession, needs

(Like a bard would like neglect them selves/things are supposed to take care of or etc. for obsession/what their obsessing over mediate might be like they would ignore everything in the outside world for what they’re obsessing over sort of like a hyper fixation, a mage would have a bad experience with obsession and/or needs, like may be a stocker or hyper-sexuality, or something like that)

Envy

One’s desires, litterly envy

(like a bard will neglect what they want or neglect, their feelings of envy towards others, , or a hier would naturally gravitate towards the things they want,and envy would mean that especially at the start they don’t get the things they want, but they’re surrounded by them, sorta)

Sloth

indolence, ideal

(Like a bard would well be more of a bard they’re already naturally lazy but now there lazy to a point where things were like start being murdered and destroyed, and they just wouldn’t care to much effort, and they were just to believe everything is going to work out, and a prince would be like a drill sergeant destroying indolence, and

Would destroy peoples ideals or something like that)

Pride

Self/ego, honor

(Like a bard would neglect their honor as they think they are too important to do whatever it is that’s going to damage their honor, they would basically think everyone to bellow them, a knight might be extremely self doubting, or self hating but disguise it with a false ego to not seem lesser or to not let people know there lesser and might not have a lot of respect to them or their name but basically would reject that may be a parent was a Lying scumbag and now they’re like trying to fix that, and after God tearing the more sense of self-worth they have and like the power/honor behind their name could create like weapons or shields, or etc.)

Gluttony

indulgence, excessive

(Like a bard would neglect indulgence to explain that better instead of having too much they would have to little by choice or if they feel like fulfillment, they might have like imposter syndrome about it and wouldn’t have anything more then the bare minimum, maid would start out relying on others for what they need or what they want, but eventually, they will become indulgence they will become the sense of gratification they will do what they want when they want and they would never do anything in moderation, the more the better like instead of, just killing you, they’ll kill your entire family, and basically whatever they were leaning on for help will now become excessive like if they were leaning on somebody because they could never get something they want now they’ll have an excessive amount of everything they want)

Yea so that’s it hope you enjoy, I’ll probably make colours and sign for it sooner or later, if you wanna know how it would work with another class do ask

Love you, have an amazing day/night

[sheepskinnedgoat]

I guess it's greatly possible that I have a very... I don't know, skewed perspective about stuff like abuse and harm as a mentally ill person. People say stuff so broadly and I can't begin to describe how much seeing that stuff at my lowest points harmed me and made me worse. People are very good at framing things in ways that made me feel like they don't actually believe in people healing and doing better after making really huge mistakes. Because I made BIG ones and I regret them so fucking deeply. I am fighting with the concept of self-forgiveness because I've been taught that there's no retribution for shitty and abusive behavior.

I don't want to be so bold as to lay out what happened, but I guess I might as well. My wife is encouraging me and I've been wanting to talk about it, anyway.

Trigger warning for discussion of abuse, mental health, and suicide under cut.

Last year, when my mom started dying, I started declining very rapidly and severely. I don't think I've ever outright said this because of how I've been treated in the past for being open, but I have Bipolar I Disorder. I've seen doctors and therapists on an off over the last decade+ since my diagnosis. My struggle is a common one. I'm very typical of someone with extreme mood swings and psychosis. I most frequently experience dysphoric mania, which is where my psychosis typically rears its ugly head.

In these moments until last year, all of my shitty behavior mostly involved me expressing anger and frustration with wall hitting, throwing my things to break them, hurting myself, and degrading my wife. It was not always this way, but moving away from home and having an unforgiving job lead to me falling back off my medication. Over the last 3-4 years, I have become very terrible in my health and how I act when my brain overreacts to situations and stresses around me.

Then Mom got cancer.

I began having even more cycling, lots and lots of depression, increasing suicidal thoughts, and episodes. Bad episodes. One of the holidays I was meant to go see my mom, I had a serious meltdown because I was tired of going to see how much closer she was. It was hard seeing her dying. She was worse every time I made it out, and something minor had triggered another episode. I then locked myself in the bathroom and tried to kill myself.

My wife tried stopping me. I became physically violent and started saying really horrible things. This episode came to an end, and it seemed despite everything I had done very little physical damage to her by her own account. I do not remember much about what I actually did or said. It's like a faded dream I had once and only the outlines are left.

I had another episode I do not remember, triggered by seemingly nothing. She informed me later on I had hit her, and asked me why. I was unable to explain, because I didn't even know what she was referring to. I do now, but the overall details are gone.

Later on, not terribly long before she passed away, I tried to end things again. I recklessly drove to a graveyard on the back roads and began attempting to hurt myself. I started getting calls, my phone blowing up. I have some vague memories, but I am not sure if all of them are real. I do know I ignored my mom out of shame, but eventually answered my aunt. I think at the beginning I answered my wife and berated her before hanging up, but I'm not positive. I wanted to die more than anything else in the world. I was so angry. I don't even know why. My wife remembers how it unfolded, but ultimately none of it makes sense.

That was also the day my neighbor decided to pick a fight with me about my animals, which then snowballed in her repeatedly calling animal control, lol. Did not work out the way she wanted. She kept lying to them to get them out to see them, but they could never find the starving, tortured animals. What a fucking nightmare that was on top of everything.

My mom died, and I don't really remember how I felt or reacted or what I did during that time. It's difficult, and I think it's because I have been blocking it out as much as possible. Losing my mom was something I knew would be hard, but I deeply underestimated it.

Later on in the year, I did try killing myself again. Once again she tried stopping me, and even kicked in the door. It got more physically violent than the last time and I was more vicious and cruel.

Overall, I'm stuck with guilt and shame and self-hatred. Beyond these incidents, I lapsed repeatedly into despicable actions and behavior. I frequently feel out of control, but not everything I say to her is done in these extreme episodes where I'm trying to hurt myself. Rage is unfortunately a really major symptom for me, and it's activated by some of the dumbest shit. I feel like some things have become bad habits, and I'm constantly having to talk out things with my spouse because I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of needless cruelty and vitriol.

I know what I have done is largely abusive and wrong. Things have been bad enough that I kept having long periods of not wanting help. All I have wanted is death, to not exist, to end what I'm feeling. Being angry is not fun. Being in pain sucks. Being sick is terrible. I am devastated by what I have done, but somehow my wife is holding strong and pushing me forward. Because of her, I managed to drag myself into getting therapy. I got lucky that someone in my local community is a therapist with the same disorder as me, and when she advertised openings I jumped on it, even though I didn't want to help myself.

Which is something key, that people bring up a lot online. People who don't want help are the worst, right? Irredeemable, it seems. I didn't want help. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die. I still want to die, but I've found a burst of driving force within myself and, as of today, I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist to seek medication management. I cannot get any traction otherwise. Therapy has been helpful and my therapist is amazing, but there's no stability. I default to self-hate, guilt, and suicidality. I default to violence, though generally verbal excepting those instances of psychosis.

I can't grasp what I keep getting told by my wife and my therapist about being accountable but forgiving myself. It seems false. Impossible. It doesn't feel like I should, that doing that or pointing to my broken brain is appropriate. I'm always terrified what people will think of me if they know the truth of my struggles and how much I have hurt the person closest to me. My only support, because I keep distancing myself further and further from people.

In all of this, she gained friends that used me as a stop-gap for getting to know specifically her. It caused some rocky turmoil in our relationship. I blame myself for her mistakes there, because maybe if I hadn't been acting like a piece of shit, she wouldn't have felt so lonely. And they found out that things got bad, but not any of the details about it because they never asked or gave her a chance to explain when she wasn't distressed. I fear them and what they think of me. I fear them going out into shared queer spaces and telling all the queers I'm slowly trying to get to know that I'm a horrible abuser that beat my wife and controls her. Because they're not wrong. I don't feel like they're wrong, but they're also responsible parties in their own shitty behavior, but who would hear me after they find out I'm a terrible person?

It's... I suppose a bit self-centered, this paranoia. She tells me I don't deserve this, and that they don't matter. I'm trying to believe her, because if nothing else matters she does, and her opinions do. She has to live with me. She's married to me.

So I am untreated bipolar. It's a fucking nightmare. I fight with my abusive and toxic tendencies, that I fight to not participate in. But fighting back my unstable reactions to things is a chore and I become fatigued very often. I don't know why she endures for me, but she does. I love her, as much as I can. Sometimes I am numb, but she says she knows I love her and it makes me cry.

People are complicated. I have not always been very kind or empathetic. I only recently learned that having a hard time with empathy during mixed episodes is pretty normal for bipolar. It's not always. It's another thing that sees extreme differences depending on how I'm feeling, and I sure do feel too much too often.

I am healing myself as best as I can. I am working to do better and be better even while my brain persists on convincing me I don't want help; that I should just self-destruct. I am a human. I wish more people could see that part about me even when I'm not being a very good or nice person. I will be better someday, but it would be a lot easier if it ever felt like everyone else could give me the grace to fuck up while sick and still have room to take that accountability without feeling evil for my actions.

I have been a victim. I have been an abuser. Someday, I hope I can just be healed.

[anendoandfriendo]

CN // very vent-y, extremely flashback-y, started in response to something but it kind of dovetailed into its own thing and we're Kind Of In Pain and trying to avoid The Bloodlust(TM) right now and tbqh with you all -- we are Failing

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We're so, so glad things are changing socially for the better but like...there are still places out there that are fucking horrible.

Where we used to live, we just assumed nobody knew what Villain!Deku was when MHA was a big thing because somehow our brain equated bigotry = isolated in general? And we kinda embarassed ourselves a little because of that lol? (We say as we also scream "it's THEIR fucking fault for living in [REDACTED], they should not have lived there if they wanted us to assume the did know!")

Which is our bad for sure. But this was not even a small town/city, it was/is just socially regressive town/city (that we are trying not to have flashbacks about now).

And the reason we somehow jumped to this is because of the number of people who like. Asked "what is the boys toy? Oh no, my kid is a BOY so no pink for him," and uhhh, needless to say, the best way we could play this game at the time was to (because we worked as a cashier at McDonalds back then) put in an order for the opposite toy because Everyone There Was A Shithead, and that was the only power we could exert. Was to piss them off even a little and let them fester for the rest of their life knowing they will NEVER be able to get their hands on us for that. :D

Or that time where we were the only non-manager in the restaurant, and everyone liked us, and we did good at our job, so as soon as one of our abusers even implied Autistic people are broken for being Autistic we had five to seven people who are managers immediately at the next window kicking them out for making us cry....but that has the prerequisite of eugenicists existing and literal years of pain from seclusion room and psychiatry survivorship and never being believed until the very moment we were back from university for breaks. x-x;;

And what prompted us to move out from [REDACTED] is that our headmate Silva has...stated some things that we do not want to describe here. We will leave it at "very clearly stating that if he wanted power for any reason it would be to punish everyone who lived there," and what happened then is time stood VERY still for a moment as he realized what he said. And then he decided to move out rather than be a potential danger to literally everyone there.

And like! We do not want "help" here, because "help" to us would literally be allowing us to like. Murder our stepmother. Bash the person's head in who implied autism is broken. Knife the person who was our ABA therapist. That's not good! And with the away the current prison therapy industry is now we would absolutely be locked up for expressing this to someone who is "professional" even if we go through a painstaking rigorous set of selves-checks to make sure we do not physically harm people. We think we might literally be causing physical harm to ourselves, actually, because we cannot and will never trust a "therapist" (fuck you, there is no such thing actually) until applied behavior analysis is abolished and we can get reparations for what we have survived HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOOD FUCKING LUCK TO US ON THAT ONE LMAOOOOOO

So like. Things are so much better out there but we cant help being kind of "doom and gloom" when we think about all of the bullshit we have gone through and seen others deal with (and none of that being the worst of it even) and we will probably never actually see a world in which our pain is widely acknowledged in the way we want it acknowledged, nor see our existence be acknowledged in the way we want it acknowledged.

Like. We can see why there are some people who just. WDK. Want to burn everything down into ashes and never look back we guess, even if we know that isn't quite an option at this point. If that makes sense.

God, we're sorry y'all we're just frustrated because we will see someone be Happy about something or there will be Joy that The World Is Changing and something in our brain just fundamentally rejects that because when we're like this, it all feels likea fucking farce unless someone is on their knees apologizing to us for ??????? fucking existing????? and not knowing about the wrongs in the world they had nothing to do with????

[chaosmushroomsushi]

I hate myself

someone help lol

I wish I could stop doing this shit to myself

I know this sounds more human than most my posts

maybe I should do this more often

just speak to the void like I'd speak to myself

I do think in the poetic lines I write

but it's not every thought

obviously

no one thinks purely in poetry

and my god dude. I am so fucking lonely

and I'm so tired of my trauma

and my chronic pain, can my bones just fucking stop?

I need a break

I need to be loved

unrequited love is the worst

dont ask why this is more tagged than normal when out of everything this is one of the last things I'd want to actually be seen a lot

I'm just talking because I have no one else to talk to

I have two friends I really talk to

and one I've been in love with since I was fucking 12

typing while dyslexic sucks. I've broken auto correct some

I wish I had a partner

but even if I did it wouldn't matter

I'd still torture myself endlessly

because I've never been good enough and I never will be

no one will ever actually choose me

no matter what I do or how hard I try

I will never be what someone wants

or if I am it's just using me until I'm no longer useful

I hate that this might be my most relatable post

and at the same time appreciate that the realness is what will make it that

but I hate we're all so traumatized that we feel people are incapable of loving us

I hate that others understand

but dude seriously how do you learn that you are capable of being loved

that you're actually not worthless and your only point is being used by people for so many different reasons

my content is so fucking inconsistent

is this what it feels like to unmask? even a little?

I feel like it should involve less joint pain lmfao

all I'm doing is laying in bed cuddling a frog stuffed animal with anime playing in the background typing out a shitty post on tumblr

just writing out my thoughts

I miss being held

I say that but I've never actually been held

I've never had someone to lay with and cuddle

I have to slow down my typing so tumblr doesnt lag which is stupid

stupid adhd

the mlm flag is so fucking pretty

I'm supposed to be asleep

I changed what anime was on so I didnt miss stuff so I could sleep

I need so much help

I have so much I need to talk to my therapist about already, it's been two days since my last session

how do I have more in 2 days than in the 2 weeks we couldn't meet

I mean its good but also what the fuck?

I miss him

I miss affection

fuck

I just

need to be held and loved

I hate life

if you read all this

why what mental illness do you have

dont forget food water and meds

any food counts even if you dont keep it down, protein shakes also count for either food or water but you can only choose one

ur still alive and that counts ❤ you did good kid