#until it inevitably becomes a problem
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There are consequences to being a manic pixie dream girl
#it’s an interesting sunburn pattern on my arms I will say#also I don’t think simply putting on sunscreen before I left would’ve helped#considering I left abt 10 am and noon is about 1:40 pm#I needed to bring it#which would be another thing to carry#that or I could’ve not simply walked by the Rhine with no shade between like 12:30 and 2:40#when Irealized I forgot sunscreen I was like#eh oh well#I can just walk in the shade#and then I preceded to not do that#during the hours when I would need it most#and then I continued walking through Aalphen aan den Rijn#and on to Boskoop#but at least I know that with better socks better phone battery life and better sun protection#I probably could’ve walked further#also despite how much my feet were killing me when I took the train back#they don’t even feel sore in the slightest rn#hell I could tell only a couple of hours after I got back that they’d be fine#despite the fact that I was genuinely worried they were blistering when I was walking from the train station#but yeah it’s cool to know that even w/ socks that are kinda abrasive#I can walk pretty far and for pretty long w/o it being a problem#until it inevitably becomes a problem
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If anyone has a spare thought/fuck to give please toss it my way I'm treading the delicate path of sorting out the possible (absolutely likely) fuck ups of a former colleague and explaining to their supervisor that they allowed said fuck ups to continue for far longer than they needed to all for the sake of not wanting to ask questions
#this project costs a million dollars easily and nonone felt like asking questions about how logistics were handled.#not until the coordinator was fired and we were left picking up the pieces. my boss is handling the budget issues as delicately as she can#and im trying to handle the fact that the postage/printing/mailing problems we've been having for literal years#might all be due to the fact that said colleague who was asked to retire just couldn't provide ample time to the mailing team#so that the funds could be allotted in escrow thus requiring us to front the cash from our budget or a printers credit.#which happened almost every other project#said colleague was 22 year tenured. they should've known how to avoid this. but now their supervisor is trained for this process#and is fighting any sense of change and claiming all the errors ans embarrassments were the result of other ppl and departments#my guy the call is coming from inside the house etc#i sent a very hefty info based email to explain everything and am now waiting for his inevitable reply where he argues it all#and i have to dig my heals in and politely explain that maybe the problem was in fact his team this time#im not looking forward to that because im at my limit with the designers and publication team and i leave for maine in three days#my fucks are becoming slim to none even though i wanted a promotion out of this
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Happy birthday to Malcolm Little/ Malcolm X/ El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz
A great man, a great leader, a great speaker, a great revolutionary. From studying him when I was a teen and still on into adulthood, I have become better at mind control (controlling your own mind by thinking and acting for yourself). My father also played a huge part in me developing mind control at a young age. And from studying how he did things, as well as how my father taught me from childhood, I have become an autodidact in many things. My art being one of those things. In regards to this blog & Dragon Ball, I apply Malcolm X's teachings in just about all that I do.
I don't let my enemy/opponent control my thoughts and I do not let them control the narrative of hating Earthlings (specifically Krillin) as they please. I do not need to engage and debate them at every turn because my enemy has made up their mind. I speak to people like me and to those who seek truth. And I do my utmost to speak in a way that is undeniable and based in facts as opposed to the majority who base their thoughts off of lies. I know my enemy's talking points and how to counter them. I know the subject matter better than my enemy in order to shut down the lies they spread. I learn how the mind works in order to dismantle their flawed logic. I speak with "an open hand" or "a closed fist" when needed. I create my own narritive without relying on those who are popular who have power over the simple-minded people of the fandom. I take my time with my research to make sure my logic has no holes in it in order to combat whatever misinformation is out there. The majority of the DB fandom aren't against us. Only certain ones who hold influence and some others. Many just go along with lies that are constantly repeated by influential people (those with a big following and those with small followings who repeat lies ppl enjoy hearing). I want to continue to be a positive influence of truthfulness against those hateful lies that have poisoned the fandom. And to do so, what I do must stick in your head. Which is why I choose to associate my content with truth and comedy as well as other ranges of emotional responses. Truth is knowing & can be understood by all. Laughing is feeling & can be felt by all. If I can make you have those two things, then I have succeeded. Those unlike us who enjoy lies can only make a person have a raw uneducated emotional response. They cause others to know less so that they can be easier to control. I do not require control of your mind. I only intend to nudge you in the direction you seek & are already on. I cannot nudge those who enjoy lies in the same direction you want to head to. Their mind is already made up. No reason to change the mind of a purposeful fool. Let fools be who they are. Their ideas are rooted in opinion, made up facts that they themselves control. Mine and yours are rooted in fact. They have rudimentary knowledge. We have deep knowledge rooted in truth.
The one thing I am still practicing is how to be more outgoing and more outspoken. I don't like to over speak another person because I like to show respect. But I have to train myself that ppl in present day speak with less respect more and more. So I must speak with more power. I also need to schedule things I have planned in a better way so I can interact more with those in my circle. Follow our code of respect & build more mutural respect for each other in order to stand together against those who hate Krillin & other Earthlings. And once I am more organized, I will be able to produce more content in many forms. I do my best to make sure I am not overconfident. That means that I have overlooked something due to arrogance. So, I keep a calm level of confidence. And if I do not know something, I will admit such and will seek correction when necessary.
And the content I make is fashioned to reach the root truth in the mind of those who seek it. Because a smart man does not rely on his enemy to speak for him or do for him. His enemy will tell him & others like him that there is no fight. His enemy will create a narrative to sabotage him. However, a mentally strong man does not sway from the truth. He stands firmly in it regardless of what comes his way & what opposition he faces. He does not accept payouts to do what he disagrees with and speaks against. He is courageous. He does not back down. He strategizes. He puts plans into action. He inspires others just as others inspired him. He makes it so that others can take what he says and use their knowledge in a similar manner he does in different aspects of life (the fandom or in real life).
I cannot be "defeated" by anyone. No enemy is on my intellectual level in terms of truth nor is any enemy on the level of some of my peers. Only I can defeat myself by turning against what I promote. And that... I will never do.
#Malcolm X#happy birthday#a great influence#yes I view some ppl as enemies and others as simply opponents#but I do not call them an enemy to their faces#you have to fight in secret until you become a problem they cannot ignore#but by then it is too late and you have already swayed a portion of their following which will in turn inevitably influence them#this is regarding Dragon Ball#in real life I keep an eye on those who are enemies and tell no one but family & few close friends
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& what if your only assigned role is emotional support. & what if your only value as a person is based upon how you can be a rock for other people even when you’re hollow and fragile inside. You can’t crumble you can’t break and you can’t ever let anyone know. If they know they’ll ignore it or they’ll hate it. What then. What’s worse. I think you just do what a rock does best and sit there and wait to be eroded by time and nature until your instability is revealed to the world. Or maybe you get hit by a hammer or some other blunt object. The end result is the same. I’d like to think that one day you can repair yourself on your own and nobody will ever need to know but sometimes that’s just not feasible. Which do you fear more, a yes that leads to a dead end or a no that endangers the last thing you hold dear.
#MAN. (horse photo) dot jpg.#u know when ur engaging in some behaviors and it becomes so incredibly clear that none of the people you see regularly#have listened to the rare instances of vulnerability you’ve shown while knowing them#and so what you’re doing goes over their head? and maybe it’s not obvious. i hold no ill will.#it’s easier to believe someone is happy. because unloading your emotional woes on them is easier.#& I’m not blameless here the behavior will have splash damage. probably. i don’t know.#the problem with someone being invested in you when your attentions are elsewhere is that you deny their behavior and motives until you’ve#inevitably exploded everything around you. but. that’s a problem for the me of uhhh. I’ll give it 6 months.#but maybe if you fake it and lie you reach the point where you’re not doing it for everyone else#you can trick yourself into believing you feel something too.#whatevrrr I don’t care anymore. goes to watch videos of apes online.#obligatory I’m not a danger to myself and others I just use this blog as a diary occasionally.
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omori's inclinations towards self isolation is so realistic and similar to my own it's almost disturbing and very nearly triggering... very. nearly.
#not really a vent jus. hm.#its not surprising or anything. omoris a good game. its been praised for how it deals with and portrays this stuff.#im watching the sleepy crest black space ii vid#my shut in life will turn into a rock /lyrref#thinking about it is a little difficult. its hard to without becoming. consumed.. with desires i know. can be destructive#that said are but i changed it to 'can be'. so i can have plausible deniability when i relapse into madd&shut in and pretend its ok ^^#because i know its not good to anticipate failure or relapse or whatever. but its like. that desire feels so base level for me.#its the safest i feel and relapse is inevitable and.... welcomed. almost. it cant last because i have people whod be hurt by it.#so welcoming it doesnt feel dangerous. i have people with me that i have a duty not to shut out. (i can wait until they leave me just fine)#but i like making friends. so i know realistically its somewhat unlikely ill ever feel like i dont have a 'duty' not to shut in for others.#and my family actually like..... has a substantial relationship with me now. but i think my dissociation can take care of that problem#rather easily. ive always planned the potential for them. not my friends though. so i cant shut in yet ^^#though i do technically..... have a plan if even they become too unbearable as well. that goes back.. years at this point#but it has less to do with disconnection on my part and instead more to do with festering disconnection on their part#i know whats good for them i know whats good for me and thats hikikomori ^^#haha i jus said that cus it rhymed lol ignore me#does the post above even hold up at this point.#well. i think so. i dont think the game itself is triggering. i think im digging this well myself. and its not like ill be stuck here#i dont feel as though i am going to be consumed either. i think im just making noise. for the post. and to talk about this experience#since its something i struggle with quite a bit. but i dont tell my friends or stuff about it. because that feels..... mean. almost#like. oh ya by the way i fantasize a lot about you leaving my life. ya you should feel bad for me or something. idfk#really. really. the only feeling i have thinking about this shut in life is...... almost warmth. i think.#i dont think i could ever see the idea completely negatively. ive lived in a haze of drugs daydreams secrets and self isolation before.#its just. safe. it doesnt matter how the days blend together. your brain crowded and constantly foggy with dissociation.#youre somewhere else. somewhere where these things dont matter... those things help you get there. theyre tools of equivalent exchange#give your life up and you can create a new one. that idea had always permeated through my life in a manner of styles#but this is probably the most.... sensical and safe manifestation of that idea ^^#anyways. i like chatting about this stuff with people who relate#so hmu i guess.#vent in tags
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SVSSS bingliushen fic where Shen Qingqiu assumes that even though he somehow managed to turn the former stallion protagonist gay (he's still not totally clear on how that happened) and in love with him (x2) there's no reason to assume Binghe would become monogamous as well. So he preps himself for the possibility of there still being a harem, just, full of dudes this time.
Meanwhile, Binghe has in fact become functionally monogamous but it's in self-defense. Theoretically there is some universe where he would be happy to sleep around. His relationship with SQQ is unique and deeply important to him, but that would be true whether or not they were sexually exclusive.
The problem is that Binghe knows with 1000% certainty that if he brings other dudes into their lives, they will fall in love with Shen Qingqiu. In the unlikely event that they did not fall in love with Shen Qingqiu, then they're be so incomprehensible to Luo Binghe that he wouldn't be able to find them attractive anyway. Luo Binghe's insecurities cannot yet handle the idea of Shizun being with other men.
Cue the inevitable mess of Shen Qingqiu trying to set Binghe up with suitable hot men, only to unwittingly accumulate more fodder for his own unacknowledged harem of admirers, while Binghe tries to fend off these would-be suitors until he finally decides he's going to bring Liu Qingge into the relationship just so he has an extra set of hands ready to help throw other people back out of it again.
#svsss#bingliushen#scum villain's self saving system#scum villain#ofc liu qingge at first is like good I HOPE he replaces you >:(#until he has 1 interaction with one of the suitors who is trying to get with sqq via lbh and then suddenly he's changing his tune#who do these punks think they are if anyone deserves to be sqq's second husband it's the guy who spent 10 years fighting over his corpse
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Weird Grandpa Story #2
I remember asking my mom once, if her dad had gotten ornerier as he'd gotten old. I'd heard about that happening, and it would've made sense for him. He was already the orneriest old cuss I'd ever met. Couldn't even imagine him being grumpier than he was.
Instead of answering the question directly, she told me about what it was like going to church with him as a kid. Their church was a small Mormon ward out in the sticks of Colorado, and he served as their Bishop - mostly by virtue of being the only one willing to do that much unpaid work. He was also the ward pianist. He actually liked playing piano, and he liked having an audience, so it was more or less understood that he was willing to be the bishop in exchange for being the pianist.
Which could've been a good trade, but there were a few problems.
The first problem was that Grandpa Dale played every song at about triple speed. He was a deeply impatient person, and that extended to how he played music. The second problem was that he had a bad habit of cursing under his breath. That would've been a scandalous enough habit for a Mormon bishop, but was made much worse (and also much funnier) by him being pretty damn deaf. So what he thought of as "quiet" cursing under his breath was more of just a verse hoarse way of yelling. I only visited him for a week or two every summer, and I still learned most of my bad words from him.
So every Sunday would start with a quiet prayer, and then Bishop Grandpa Dale would go to the piano, sit down, and play the nightcore version of Praise to the Man. He would occasionally play other hymns, but he really, really liked that one. This would continue until he hit a wrong note, which was basically inevitable because his music philosophy was that if he could play a song flawlessly, it was time to play it faster. So he'd play until he hit that wrong note, at which point he would scream-whisper SHIIIIIT and, because he did not actually read music so much as memorize it, the only way he'd be able to get his rhythm back was by going back to the start.
If it was a good Sunday, he could get it in two tries. Some Sundays took as many as five.
I learned two things about Grandpa Dale from this story. The first was that he could play piano. I'd never actually seen him do that before. Still haven't, come to think of it. Second was that the man that I visited once a year, who always seemed on the verge of exploding, who scared the absolute dickens out of me, was actually the chilled out version of the man my mom grew up with.
And it helped knowing that, actually. I'm actually a pretty anxious person, and my mom is, also, a pretty anxious person, and as a teenager we'd sometimes get in these doom loops where we'd wind each other up until our springs cracked. She'd be worried about me growing up to be happy, and I'd be worried about letting her down, and my worrying would make me unhappy, and my unhappiness would make her unhappy, and we'd just kind of dissolve into these anxieties like cotton candy in the sea and become totally unbearable to be around for a bit. Then my dad would sit us both down and very politely tell us that we were being crazy. He had this quote how being sad that someone else is sad that you're sad is the emotional equivalent of being a Klein flask and that at some point you have to just say I am allowed one (1) single layer of emotional recursion, at most, and ideally zero.
And it was always kind of embarrassing and silly, but when I was tempted to be more upset with my mom about it, I could remember the piano story and go: Sheesh. She has more of a right to be anxious that I do. For me it's really just genetics, but she grew up with the Cactus-Killing Gopher-Smasher. A whole 18 years of that. I spent two weeks every summer with that guy, and I love him, but I always came home feeling like I'd survived something. She's a trooper.
#babylon-lore#I have no idea how to end these stories cleanly#my stories about my mom's dad are just like#him being kind of crazy and then#over time#getting less crazy#while also still remaining crazy enough to commit war crimes against gophers#like his improved form is still difficult to be around#it be like that
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Tim AU: (I'm fucking with the timeline)
Tim gathered evidence of Bruce being stuck in the time stream, sent it to the JL, and then fucked off to some remote place. He didn't help bring Bruce back and he never returned to Gotham.
He was done. Bruce, in this AU, was an absolute bastard to Tim (think 16th birthday but more). It was only after he got distance while chasing Bruce's ghost did he come to the realization that he didn't want to give up his newfound freedom and independence.
Sure, he was independent before, but it wasn't quite like this where he wasn't constrained by the Bats in some way. He was lonely, but he could make his own decisions without manipulation or consideration of the Bats.
Tim liked his new status quo and he'll be damned if anyone takes it from him.
So, he sent the JL the evidence and didn't look back. What they chose to do with it wasn't Tim's problem. He was right and he proved it.
[Side note: he's more successful at dodging Ra's recruiting tactics in this AU. Ra's tries, but Tim instead lures LoA agents to his side. After losing a good portion of his members, Ra's becomes more intrigued with what Tim plans to do. It's almost like Tim is an heir in training by utilizing LoA resources for his own goals. As long as Tim maintains a delicate balance of audacity and not pissing Ra's off, then Ra's leaves him alone.]
The JL, at first, ignored Tim's evidence. It wasn't until that whole zombie black lantern corpse thing, where they realized that the corpse wasn't actually Bruce or whatever, that they opened Tim's evidence.
They then realize that nobody has heard about Tim in a long fucking time. They don't even know where to find them.
Cue half the JL working to bring back Bruce while the other is trying to hunt down Tim (partly to apologize but mostly for Tim's abilities and information). This ends with them knocking on Tim's door in the middle of nowhere as he glares at them.
The JL assumes Tim has retired, but really he maintains an Oracle like presence around the world and travels on occasion to missions he needs to. Usually, he sends his agents out to do field work. He does regularly spar with them, though, to keep in shape.
Tim also assists WE virtually with Lucius until Bruce returns. He, on the side, revitalizes Drake Industries for when he inevitably has to step down from WE.
This morphs into him becoming a grumpy JL "civilian" consultant who JL members turn to when they need help with a problem or case deemed impossible (particularly when they don't or can't rely on Batman).
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𝐈𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 | 𝐇𝐢𝐬 𝐖𝐢𝐟𝐞
Arranged marriage | gojo x indifferent!wife | MDNI
WARNINGS: you guys have a child together, subtle smut MDNI, fem!reader, mentions of the reader’s body being different after having a child, bad writing bc I switch from third to second use pronouns interchangeably
Synopsis: Gojo and you were the product of an arranged marriage, undoubtedly hating each other, but after your first child together, Gojo begins viewing you in a different light.
Cont: Sea Glass
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You were arranged to marry the Gojo Satoru.
The man who belonged to one of the top three clans of Jujutsu, a man who was known for his arrogance and ridiculous amount of privilege. You knew him in your school days, and let’s just say that you two didn’t like each other.
So it was only inevitable that your marriage was definitely rough and you two hated each other, and I mean despised each other. You were required to bear an heir for Gojo, and although reluctant, that’s exactly what you did. Sex with no strings attached, only for the sake of an heir, but after birthing your first child together, Gojo starts viewing his wife differently. He begins to see her soft side and the way she tenderly cares for their child, and Gojo has never felt so jealous in his life. Who knew his usually quiet and distant wife could have such a domestic side, so slowly but surely, he falls hard for you.
And I mean hard.
He begins showering you with gifts and staying home more often, trying to be around you more in the house. He follows you around like a puppy, making sure that if you needed a break from your guys son, that he would be there to switch.
Gojo, however, notices your continued indifference towards him, and he only sits there, wondering how he can convince you to also love him back, not hate him because you were forced into this predicament with him. You loved your son so dearly, yet you never seemed to give any affection to your husband. You had no problem placing a chaste kiss on his jawline whenever there were clan parties, so why couldn’t you do so in the privates of your shared home?
Gojo decides to change this, and begins placing a soft kiss on your cheek each time he gets home, also making sure to place one on the little gremlin too, one that seemed to have taken on his appearance more than his wife, but that’s not a worry because he can always keep having children with you until one pops out looking like you too.
He beds his wife more often, not just during her ovulation period. Sex soon becomes a daily thing than a monthly thing. He beds you because he loves you, and you’re just so soft and tender from having just given birth to his child. He loves the way your body has changed, and he always makes sure that you know that you make him feel so good. He does this not for the sake of having another child, but for him to show his love for you.
He rolls his hips so nicely yet roughly into you, ensuring that you’re feeling just as pleasured. And you, on the other hand, only comply with his desire for you, only thinking that he was just needier than usual, something the Gojo men were all known for. You were merely satisfying his needs, only because you knew your role as his wife. Nothing more.
You begin noticing that after sex though, he stays in the bed with you, instead of leaving like usual, rubbing up and down the curves of your body, worshipping you as you two lay there together, basking in each other’s presence, eventually resulting in you snoozing off in his hold.
He begins asking you questions about your day, sitting with you for breakfast with your son, which he never did before. He starts helping you dress in the mornings, zipping up the cute sundress he bought for you to wear, admiring the way it fits so nicely on you. He always makes sure to feather soft kisses on your shoulder up to your neck, before he places a sweet, yet wet kiss on your jawline, nuzzling his face in your neck to smell the Tiffany & Co perfume he bought you as well.
His goal in mind is to get a kiss from you, but you seem to have no interest in that, which makes him sigh so deeply. You’ve never really kissed Gojo genuinely, and he wants to change that. Sure, you’ve kissed him on your wedding day, but even during sex, when his eyes become lusted and he stares at you so lovingly with desire, leaning his face down to get a kiss from you, you turn your head away, gently pushing his head into the crevice of your shoulder. He’s never been so deprived in his life, but Gojo respects you, so he waits for you to initiate it first. Yeah, you’ve had sex together, but kisses were a whole new level of intimacy for him.
However, just one day after he came home from work tired, you catch him off guard and come over, sweetly grabbing his face and pulling him down to press a soft yet delicate kiss on his jaw. In the privates of your home, not just at a clan party where you needed to keep show. Gojo has felt high before, but this was a new type of high.
It may not have been on his lips just yet, but there’s always next time, right?
#gojo satoru x reader#gojo x y/n#gojo fluff#jujutsu kaisen x reader#unrequited love#suridrabbles#food for thought as I resurrect from the dead#sansuriwrites#sansuri writes | indifferent
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soap who gets honourably discharged after he gets a little too friendly with an explosion, permanently fucking up his already-subpar quality knee and suffering permanent hearing loss.
he’s lucky enough to get a medal out of it, at least, only problem is that he can’t hear anything of the ceremony. so he doesn’t see much merit in going.
but then price suggests something to him: the captain knows that soap is fortunate enough to already know bsl, having a partially deaf sister, so he suggests soap get an interpreter. actually has one in mind, in fact, if soap is open to it.
soap thinks, why not?
safe to say he’s surprised by who price lends him—a large, intimidating-looking fellow with a permanently furrowed brow, who barely signs a word to soap beyond what he’s meant to interpret. soap is beyond intrigued, from that very moment they met. certainly attracted, too.
he’s good at his job, soap can tell that right away; his movements are precise, clear, and fluid. soap would later learn the man’s name is simon, used to be callsign ghost, until he, too, was discharged, but couldn’t bear the thought of being away from the military, the one thing he’d known for so long. so he’d become an interpreter for veterans, just like soap.
that’s what price tells him, at least. but curious to know more of the story, curious to know more of simon, soap begins to find ways he can continue to hire the man for his services, until simon finally loosens up, and soap has finally begun adjusting to his new disability.
and in the process of doing so, obviously, inevitably they fall in love.
#simon ghost riley#john soap mactavish#soapghost#ghostsoap#ghost x soap#ghoap#alternate first meeting
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A Scott Summers headcanon
Something I have been thinking a lot about lately is the fact that Scott would most likely be visually impaired in dimly lit areas due to his sunglasses.
Hank had factored this in when building his visor of course, but there was no way to eliminate this problem with his sunglasses; needing them to, not only, hold back his concussive blasts, but also hide his crimson glow from the world.
Scott doesn't tell many people about this, of course. He's too prideful to admit that he has limitations. Jean knows, Hank knows, and the professor knows, but it isn't until he nearly runs into Rogue for the millionth time after dark, that he explains to her in a hushed voice to quell her anxious rage at the near accidental touch. This is when Logan overhears. He doesn't directly confront Scott with the new information, instead, he uses it to playfully tease Scott to release his frustrations toward the uptight man. Logan becomes pointedly helpful to Scott at night, letting the other man know that he knows. Scott will never address the issue with Logan, however, because that would mean admitting it. So the two play their little game, Logan helping Scott locate things, informing him of others' presence, and grabbing his arm to steer him away from bumping into things, all the while prodding Scott to admit his limitations. Scott secretly seethes at the uninvited help, but inevitably accepts it, not because he likes it, but because confronting Logan would corner him into admission, and he refuses to let Logan win.
Of course, seeing perfect Scott Summers struggle after dark humanizes him a little in Logan's eyes. It reduces some of the animosity between the two, and eventually, Logan likes helping Scott. It becomes thoughtless and integrates him into Scott and Jean's routine.
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I learned how to be quiet about pain when I was very young. I learned how to fold in on myself like laundry, to take up less space in the cupboard. I learned how to keep the peace around me by sweeping the dirt under my own rug.
I have been taught that expressing my less favourable emotions is just complaining—something weak people do when they're too incompetent to solve their own problems.
Incompetent. Incompetent. This word is very important to me. Incompetent is the word I am always running from. To run from incompetency means to run from feeling dejected, feeling lost, feeling hurt. To run from incompetency is to run towards goodness. To run towards a me who knows all the answers and shoulders all the burdens and shrugs off all the pain.
Some days I am not very good at this race I am running. Days when the past lurches forward to bite my ankles, or days when the future looks back to scorn my present.
On these days I am weak. The poise slips. It's all too easy to cry a little and vent my fears. I forget that I am supposed to be keeping all of this shut away where no one else can see. I forget that I am not supposed to be dragged down by these feelings in the first place.
Today I feigned nonchalance and I feigned it well. No one noticed that I was hurt by the thing that happened, and sitting alone in all my hurt, I was bitterly gratified. I had fulfilled the proper narrative of an animal who is injured and returns to its cave to lick its wounds only in private.
But there is a desperation for the hidden pain to be noticed. This is the Achilles' Heel of the whole stealth operation; it threatens the little play I have constructed in which I suffer alone and inconvenience no one and am all the stronger for it.
Today I stood upright to talk to my mother and doubled over in pain the moment she left the room. It is satisfying, knowing I did the valiant and honourable thing of keeping the damn pain to myself. It is infuriating, the way my eyes flickered to the door in the dark and private hope that she would come back in and witness me while I was down.
I want to be strong and hide all the hard things away. I want someone to see my efforts to hide all the hard things away and realise I'm strong. I want to bring to life this character I have created who suffers without complaint and is loved when the truth is revealed. Who suffers well.
This is the person who stores up agony to a breaking point, to justify the ultimate snapping of composure. This is the person who wants to be depended on relentlessly and one-sidedly, so that someone someday might notice the unfairness of it all. This is the person who virtuously and righteously take all the hits without a sound, so that when they finally, inevitably break, their pain will come to light all at once and inspire awe and guilt in equal measure.
Who am I, really? Is it terrible to want to play this character? Perhaps some old wound craves acknowledgement and understanding and doesn't know how else to ask for it except by hiding until it festers.
Strength. Competency. Resilience. Dependability. Independence. They have all become synonyms in my black and white dictionary. They have all become straws for the drowning man.
I self-impose silence. I take pleasure in denial and secrecy. I take pride in successfully keeping a problem to myself.
Pride. That's another important word. I think I have too much of it, although it pains me when others point it out. Pride implies I think highly of myself, which is something a good person should never do. Pride is so audaciously self-absorbed, so high-and-mighty, so filthy with ego. There's probably a lot of it in this damn thing I've written.
Pride is the other thing that keeps my mouth shut. The thing that says I should be austere, untouchable, immovable. Pride is the thing that says look here, you don't have a lot going for you so you better keep this mask on right if you want to be good. If you want to be admired.
These terrible things keep me safe. I can't let go of that stupidly noble character or that cowardly pride. I need them to shield me from the reality that I am emotional, not all that put together, and honestly hopeless most of the time.
I need to have something worth liking about myself. I need to have a grit that makes me undeniably good. I need to have a strength that goes unsung, that lies in wait of discovery.
What an exhausting way to live. But it's the only way I know.
#my writing#writing#prose#prose poetry#poetry#words#literature#art#my art#spilled thoughts#spilled ink#spilled poetry#spilled writing#spilled words#poem#vulnerability#pain#shame#strength#self portrait#vent#inspo#stream of consciousness#aesthetic#web weaving
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𝑳𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒍𝒆 𝒃𝒖𝒃𝒃𝒍𝒆
⋆。𖦹°⭒˚。⋆。𖦹°⭒˚。⋆。𖦹°⭒˚。⋆。𖦹°⭒˚。⋆。𖦹°⭒˚。⋆。𖦹°⭒˚。⋆。𖦹°⭒˚。⋆。𖦹°⭒˚。⋆
「 Synopsis」 : It's been a while since you've seen your boyfriend and the last thing you want to do is leave his side.
★Paring: Bf idol! Bang Chan x fem!reader
★Genre: fluff + smut MDNI
★Word Count: 1.3k
★WARNINGS: Foolishness, unprotected sex (Don't do this) nicknames:my love, baby.
A/N: I've been really busy and a bit sad lately so I wrote this to forget my problems for a while lol, so I hope you enjoy it. English is not my first language so sorry if I made a mistake. If you like it please comment and share.
⋆。˚୨𝖬𝖺𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍୧˚。⋆
The sun had been up for a long time, the noise of the lively city could be heard through the window and you could swear that you ignored some calls just to stay in bed a little longer, but it was inevitable, with the warmth of the sheets and surrounded by the arms of your boyfriend who had returned, everything else could wait.
“Are you awake?” You couldn't help the smile that appeared on your lips when you heard his voice, you had missed him so much.
“It's weird that you see me sleep, you know?” You opened one of your eyes only to see him leaning on one of his arms while he gently caressed your hair.
“I can't help it,” he came closer to leave a kiss on your forehead, “I need to know that you're here, with me.”
You felt your heart beat strongly when you heard his words and you came closer to hug him. Bang Chan was a busy person and it was hard to have to be apart when he had to go to work, but when he came back they didn't waste a second and did everything they hadn't been able to.
Sometimes they would go for walks at night holding hands, they would go to places, eat their favorite food and sometimes they would just lay in bed while enjoying each other's quality. It was like being wrapped in an invisible bubble where only the two of you existed and no one could get in.
“I'm here” you looked into his eyes, you wanted him to know that you were telling the truth, that you were speaking from the bottom of your chest “forever”
Despite the warmth that Bang Chan showed people, you knew that not anyone could get inside, but at that moment from the way he looked at you and smiled at you, you knew that you were already in his heart.
“I love you” you said without being able to avoid it and before he could say anything you kissed him. You melted into the heat of that kiss giving everything of yourself, you were completely in love with him and you knew that your heart belonged completely to him.
Between kisses and small caresses you moved all over the bed until you ended up on top of his body and a shiver ran down your spine when the sheets left your naked body. Bang Chan took your legs and caressed your skin while he looked at you with a combination of desire and admiration.
“You look beautiful just like that”
“I know” you answered mockingly while you moved your hips a little on the bulge you felt under you “I know you love seeing me on top of you” Bang Chan let out a small moan and you felt his hands tighten a little on your thighs.
“Uh huh” his hands moved down your body leaving a warm trail wherever he moved, but you stopped when his hands cupped your breasts. Bang Chan leaned forward a little until he was sitting with you on his lap and he got closer to your face “I love everything about you my love” Your mouths came together again in a warm and slow kiss, full of all the feelings that could not be expressed with words.
You stifled a moan when his hands gently squeezed your breasts and he seemed to notice, but he continued to taste your lips while his fingers hooked onto your nipples. Your hands landed on his strong shoulders and you scratched his skin when he pulled away biting your lip. The desire in your bodies was becoming more and more evident and with the kisses on your neck it was difficult to try to keep your hips still on his lap, but Bang Chan ignored your little movements while he concentrated on passing his mouth over your breasts.
You arched your back, letting his hands support your weight as he ran his tongue over one of your nipples and his teeth grazed your skin, sending shivers down your spine. Your fingers tangled in the curly locks of his hair and you closed your eyes, letting yourself be carried away by the spiral of sensations.
You moved your hips once more, looking for something to calm the tickling in your pussy, but Bang Chan grabbed your hips tightly, making you stop. You looked at him with a silent plea, and even though he wanted to stop, he couldn't at this point, he was just as needy as you.
“Chanie…” you wrapped your arms around his neck and moved your hips on his cock once more, urging him on. You heard the ragged sigh he let out and moaned when you felt the tip of his cock touch your wet walls until it reached your entrance. You sank in, feeling him slowly fill you up until he hit rock bottom.
“I love you” he said to you when you looked into his eyes.
Time stopped in your little bubble, as he thrust his hips and you felt him leave his load inside you again. Your body was marked by his bites and the traces of your nails were left on his back, his lips were swollen from the long kissing sessions and your legs trembled violently as your mind became clouded only by the pleasure you felt.
“One more” Bang Chan begged in your ear, you could only nod and open your mouth letting out his name. Bang Chan pushed his hips and you wrapped your legs around his waist while his hands moved down your body until they landed on your clit, he moved his fingers in circles making your body shudder and your pussy tighten from the sensation
“I can't take it anymore” you said holding back the tears in your eyes as you felt a wave of pleasure run through your entire body
“Come” you immediately released yourself without being able to stop it and instantly you felt Bang Chan's release spill over your thighs. His body collapsed on top of yours and you stayed still while you both caught your breath. Your hands caressed his hair while his arms surrounded you, it was as if neither of you wanted to move, until you started to feel a little suffocated by his weight.
“Baby… I think I need to breathe a little” Bang Chan moved immediately asking for your forgiveness and separated from you leaving you a void, but he helped you up before going to clean up.
After taking a shower and with clean sheets they lay down again simply enjoying each other’s company. You didn’t know when you fell asleep on his chest, but you woke up with a smile knowing that he was still by your side.
“Did you sleep well?” You nodded moving to look at him and gave him a smile.
Bang Chan took your hand and kissed your fingers, but you noticed that there was something strange in one of them, you moved your hand away and on your ring finger you noticed a ring with a shiny stone, you looked at it very carefully without understanding what was happening until Bang Chan let out a laugh.
“What is this?” you asked nervously and excitedly
“My love… you know that I have loved you from the first moment you entered that place and since then my love for you has only grown, you have supported me and helped me when I needed it and that alone has made me understand how much I want to have you in my life” his words made your heart beat with emotion and you could not control the tears that were accumulating in your eyes “that is why I want to ask you to marry me”
“Yes, of course” you said releasing the tears and hugging him tightly while he laughed and hugged you tightly knowing that he would never let you go.
𝐴𝐿𝐿 𝑊𝑂𝑅𝐾𝑆 𝐶𝑅𝐸𝐴𝑇𝐸𝐷 𝐵𝑌 ©𝐾𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑦𝟼𝑐𝘩𝑜��� 𝑀𝑈𝑆𝑇 𝑁𝑂𝑇 𝐵𝐸 𝑃𝐿𝐴𝐺𝐼𝐴𝑅𝐼𝑍𝐸𝐷 𝑂𝑅 𝐶𝑂𝑃𝐼𝐸𝐷
#stray kids#bang chan#kitty6choi writing#skz x reader#christopher bang#bang chan x reader#bang chan smut#bang chan stray kids#bang chan skz#bang chan imagines#kitty6choi#mr.choi
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Get to know the life of the members of Bring On The Night! The pop/rock band of the moment that has a whole generation addicted to their music, lyrics and performers.
| Kim Seokjin: The Bassist
You were Jin's childhood friend, the one who always went to all his bass practices, the one who went to all his mini concerts, the one who tested the songs before he played them live, you were even the first person he ran to tell the news that his band had been dominated to his first award.
The problem with this? You were always just that to Jin, the typical childhood friend he wouldn't give up for anything in the world, but would never see as anything more.
A few months ago Jin started dating yet another girl, a certain Yeji, whom he had met in college.
You were starting to feel how awful it was to be just another friend, and you wanted to give it your last try before giving up forever with Jin and moving on with your life.
| Min Yoongi: The Producer
You had been in a fully sexual relationship with Yoongi for over 5 years. Yes, you went out on the occasional date in secret, but nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that would make the public think you were a couple, or sex partners.
You had never had a problem with this, until little by little you noticed how you started to feel things for him that definitely had nothing to do with your fully sexual relationship, so you did what you did best.
You ran away.
-> Drabble 1 [Request]: How did they meet?
| Jung Hoseok: The Composer
You met Hoseok in a dance class you had during your last years in college. The two of you hit it off perfectly and decided to stay in touch.
You talked to him when he won his first award, he talked to you when he heard you got a permanent contract at your current company. You called him when you found out he had landed a fairly well known girlfriend in the middle, he congratulated you on finding your fiancé.
Now, 2 years after that, you had no idea how to tell him that your husband and his fiancée were fucking in your bed.
| Kim Namjoon: The Drummer
You were Bring On The Night's manager since their debut. You had taken good care of them, always tried to give them a reasonable schedule, always talked to interviewers before interviews, always tried to keep them safe without asking for anything in return. That's exactly what made Namjoon fall at your feet.
From the beginning he always had eyes for you, he always drowned in his feelings thinking about how annoying it might be for you to stay on the job knowing that he had feelings for you.
However, this same attitude not only attracted to him, but to other guys who worked in the same industry. It was this very thing that made Namjoon decide to fight for you, even if it would destroy your working relationship and friendship.
| Park Jimin: The Keyboardist
You were Jimin's girlfriend during his pre-debut era. You would go to support him at practice, bring him food, water, sometimes even a change of clothes. You loved the way he loved his job, but love wasn't always enough to overcome the adversities that made life as a star. That was made clear to you by the Ceo of Bring on the night's discography.
You broke up with him shortly after his debut, you didn't give him any explanation, you simply told him that you didn't want to be with him anymore and you left.
Years later, in the present day, Jimin had become a world star, famous for his talent on the keyboard, and you, for your part, had achieved your goal of becoming a critically acclaimed actress.
What you never thought was that, as you were both on the same level, you would inevitably meet at events such as awards shows, and, to be honest, you didn't think you could ever say no to Jimin again.
| Kim Taehyung: The Guitarist
For the first time in your entire career as an artist you had gotten into a scandal, and one of the worst scandals there could have been. A rapper whose name you didn't even know had told hundreds of gossip channels that the two of you were in a solely sexual relationship.
Now, with no excuse to give because no one would believe you without proof, you and your manager decided to make a completely risky bet; talk to Kim Taehyung, the guitarist of BOTN and ask him to pretend to be your boyfriend. To your surprise, he didn't hesitate to accept.
The deal was clear: neither would have feelings for the other, neither would meddle in the other's relationships, and neither owed the other any explanations.
At first you thought it would be simple, just another performance, just like you did for your music videos.
How wrong you were.
| Jeon Jungkook: The Vocalist
Jungkook considered himself a very tolerant person. He tolerated Jin with his horrible jokes, he tolerated Namjoon breaking his stuff by accident from time to time, he even tolerated Jimin stealing his stuff, but there was one specific point where he would never tolerate any bullshit.
That point was you.
The day he found out the idiot you were dating, he almost broke his phone from how hard he smashed it against the wall. He believed you deserved better, no, he knew you deserved better, no doubt about it, and he was more than willing to show you what would be the minimum point you should accept in a man.
#bts x reader#bts x you#bts imagine#bts fanfic#bts x fem!reader#bts x y/n#bts x oc#jin x reader#jin x you#yoongi x reader#yoongi x you#hoseok x you#hoseok x reader#namjoon x reader#namjoon x you#park jimin x you#park jimin x reader#taehyung x you#taehyung x reader#jungkook x reader#jungkook x you#jin x y/n#yoongi x y/n#hoseok x y/n#namjoon x y/n#jimin x you#taehyung x y/n#jungkook x y/n#jin x oc#yoongi x oc
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back on my steddie bullshit fr
Thinking about hope(ful)less romantic Steve driving to Eddie's trailer in the pouring rain to finally confess his love after months of dancing around each other and almost-confessions that crumble on the tips of their tongues before they can become anything real.
Steve finds himself pacing around the ground floor of a house that's too big and too quiet, thinking about a guy who should never, ever have taken up as much of his brain as he currently does. It's a Friday night, and Eddie's most likely out at a gig, or at a bar, or doing nerd shit. He's most likely doing anything but thinking about Steve. And yet here Steve is, entirely preoccupied with the reckless marvel that is Eddie Munson.
Fuck it.
It's been four months since Vecna, and everyone seems to be okay again. It's been long enough that it wouldn't be weird for Steve to make a move, right?
Before Steve can really consider what it is he's about to do, he has his keys in hand and he's heading out towards his car. He doesn't even realize it was raining until he steps out onto the porch, tugging the door shut behind him. And there's not much thought that goes into any of it, really. It's instinctive, the way Steve knows the route to Eddie's place by now. Regardless of the thrashing of his heart, there's an easy kind of familiarity in the sodden streets and jutting roads. Steve's windshield wipers are working double time, fending off the sheets of rain that pile down amidst the humidity of late July; it'd been a cloudless day until the sun set. But like the heaviness of Steve's heart, the clouds had begun to weigh themselves down with water, waiting for the moment where the heft of it all became too much.
Steve hadn't quite beaten those clouds to the punch.
He arrives at Eddie's with really no recollection of how he'd gotten there, only that he needed to see him and nothing was going to get in his way. Eddie's already sitting out on the porch when he pulls up. The dusty ground is darker, saturated with fat, relentless raindrops. Eddie sits on the steps of his trailer, only just covered by the awning. The toes of his sneakers shine with wetness.
"Why are you out here?" Steve asks, clambering out of his car. It's all he can think to say. It's not the words he wants to purge, not the things that have been itching in his throat every time they've been alone together for the last however-many weeks. But it's what comes out.
"Wanted to hear the rain," Eddie responds, a cigarette pinched between his thumb and pointer finger. It's a simple enough response. Shouldn't warrant a reaction. Only, Steve's standing a few yards away, dampening by the moment, and he needs to just get it out.
"I need to- I gotta talk to you," Steve stutters, drifting closer. Eddie's eyes narrow.
"About what?" he asks, clearly skeptical.
"About you. Or, me. Us. I- shit, I used to be good at this." Steve raises a hand to swipe over his mouth: it comes away wet. He's fucking soaked, standing defenceless against the onslaught from above. Eddie flicks the cigarette and the butt lands at the base of the steps. He hinges upright, dropping down a step until the raindrops begin to splatter onto his curls, landing like spits of silver against the glow of the street lamps overhead.
"Good at what?" Eddie calls through the low rumble of the rain.
"Good at- I dunno, confessions? I told Nancy how I felt about her no problem. Robin was a little tougher, but I still got through that, but with you," Steve gushes, entirely unsure as to where he's going with this, "I just can't seem to find the words."
For an impossible amount of time, Eddie stares. His pretty features seem to go through about a half dozen emotions before he settles on something that Steve's soul recognizes as pity. He prepares himself for inevitable rejection.
"You're telling me you can't find the words?" Eddie asks, incredulous, "Dude, i'm a songwriter, a fucking wordsmith, and I've been drawing a blank on you for months!"
Steve squints, a little at a loss.
"What?" he asks, feels stupid for not getting it straight away.
"Steve, I should be able to write songs about the guy I love, right?"
"Well- Yeah- I- Wait, what?" Steve starts before Eddie's words catch up. The rain's growing heavier, beginning to sting his cheeks a little, but he's fixed to the spot, not daring to move any closer. It's Eddie that draws nearer, dropping down the final steps until they're on even footing.
"If you hadn't- If you didn't come over here tonight, I was gonna- I was gonna come to you. I had this whole fuckin' speech planned out - I'm pretty sure it was stupid, honestly, but I wrote it anyway, because I have all these goddamn feelings about you, Steve. And I couldn't find a way to make them sound like anything other than what they are." Eddie's waves are flattening by the second, darkening under the weight of the water falling from above. Steve's heart pounds against his ribs, threatens to break free altogether.
"But I- I came here to- You're- Eddie?"
"Fuck sake, Steve. I'm-"
"Wait." Steve interrupts him, his brain catching up all at once, overfilling and spilling over. "Wait, just let me- Can I say what I was gonna say?"
Eddie folds his arms around himself, chilled by the rain despite the thick warmth of summer around them.
"Sure. Shoot."
Steve heaves in a breath.
"Okay. Eddie. I've been thinking, and you and me, we're good, right? Like, for each other." A droplet of rain catches between Steve's lashes, forcing him to blink it away. Eddie's slim figure remains in front of him, proving that this is real, this isn't some hallucination, some daydream borne of an idle brain. "I think you and me could be something good. Great, even. And I- I- I think I- I know you maybe said it already, and I shouldn't even be-" Eddie strides forward, closing the space between them in a breathless moment. Steve's breath catches in his throat. Eddie's dark eyes dart frantically between Steve's own, so round and wide and beautiful. Steve's so in love with him. "Eddie, I'm- I think I've... fallen in love with you." Steve skates his palms over Eddie's biceps, up and over his shoulders, until he's cradling the sides of Eddie's neck. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm in love with you."
Where they're so closely matched in height, Steve's eyes are crossing just to keep his gaze focused on Eddie, who's looking more like the proverbial deer in headlights right now.
"Shit, Harrington," Eddie breathes, and Steve feels it warm against his rain-chilled lips, "took you long enough."
It's a kiss that follows, soft and hesitant, like Steve would do anything but lean into it, like he's anything but head over heels, absolutely and embarrassingly in love. it's a kiss, and it's wet and a little too cold, a little too out in the open, but Steve wouldn't change it for anything.
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CSM 182 : snow or the power of forgetting
the snow, eaten by CSM recently, forgotten
the snow, the illusion that lulled Aki in his last moments
the snow, chapter 182, where you finally put the pieces together
what does snow mean ?
What if I told you that Denji's reaction to Yoru's ambivalence was the wrong one ?
I'm not talking from a moral point of view, but purely from a narrative one.
What does Yoru actually do by threatening and kissing him ?
It leads to ambivalence, to a striking contrast that is unbearable.
But life is nothing other than this same diluted contrast, this mixture of negative and positive constantly associated.
When Denji says he can't master these two facets, these dirty tricks and all the problems he has to face, that's precisely what has become his worry.
splitting himself, splitting his surroundings, seeing obstacles as ultimatums.
All this may seem off-the-wall and crazy, or like an analysis to justify Yoru's behaviour.
It isn't.
Don't see his kiss as a kiss, but as a narrative perch for Denji to finally face up to himself
Why ?
Dirty things are what he's always hoped for, they seemed in essence extremely positive, they were the way out of his misfortunes
For Denji, doing dirty things inevitably led to happiness.
Denji gradually realises, thanks to several female characters, that these dirty things are not all positive.
You might think that Denji really took his time to realise this...
But it's far from easy for him; for him, life was a deep unhappiness, always, with no prospect of happiness
Or rather, he couldn't see happiness
Because his conception of happiness was restricted to those dirty things
Pochita, Aki, Power, Nayuta, Denji realised his own unhappiness after their disappearance, he only realised the presence of happiness through his loss
Because he hadn't done anything dirty until now!
Until the end of part 1, Denji is trying to rethink his vision of happiness and is trying to break away from normality, to raise his standards higher: eating steak, 10 girlfriends.
Even though he has come close to happiness, Denji doesn't realise it, because since that happiness wasn't eternal, it wasn't happiness.
Happiness remains a way out for him.
Tasting his definition of happiness, being kissed by Yoru, makes him realise that happiness has lost its meaning.
With each kiss, Denji realises that it won't bring him happiness, because it doesn't make him happy.
Little by little, Denji tries to get closer to something for the long term, not the moment.
That's why, he asks if "Asa" loves him.
Can he finally taste that unchanging happiness? Never taste unhappiness again ?
Asa is his downside, her intrusive thoughts, her internal panics, her reflections are preventing her from living in the moment.
And she doesn't want to live in the moment, because she doesn't trust her instincts (when for Denji they are a way out).
Her instincts led her to save a cat, causing the sacrifice of her mother.
But it was Chainsaw Man who made her realise that life can be excruciatingly bitter and sometimes sweet.
Inhabited by Denji, who is as lost.
How could Denji say something as right as that crap burger if he's lost too ? Life is disgusting, it's tiring and yet we keep eating this burger, thinking of dogs, cats and ice cream.
Because Denji didn't do it.
It's Denji perfectly fused with Pochita.
CHAINSAW MAN.
A double being, symbolically realising the ambivalence of life.
Denji was Pochita's happiness, hence her sacrifice.
Pochita was Denji's happiness, hence his unhappiness.
The constant association of happiness with unhappiness - after all, that's all Denji and Pochita's meeting is about.
Except that at that moment, Denji had come to the wrong conclusion, talking about sex, hence the feeling of unease, and a sense of rupture in his speech. The hope of supreme happiness makes us eat this crap burger, it's true. But it won't make us happy.
What Yoru shows, even though he's part of Asa, is that the concept of happiness and unhappiness make no sense to a devil ; they instrumentalizes them, doesn't understand them.
So she gets hit by Asa because, damn it, this concept of happiness and unhappiness belongs to men.
So Asa takes over and says she hasn't recovered from her mother's death because this event will always seem so unacceptable and horrible to her. Bad things don't disappear.
What changes is the memories we want to bring to the fore.
Snow.
Symbolising Denji's supreme misfortune of having killed his brother to the point of vomiting with guilt.
Symbolically, it is this same vomiting that spits out the snow.
The snow is not just a trauma.
Aki was obsessed by the memory of the tragedy of his family, who were also killed in snowy weather.
And when Aki decides to visit his family's graves, to pay his respects tragically at his family's graves
He can't do it
Because two idiots divert his attention.
Forcing Aki to look away from the unhappiness of the past
To face the happiness right in front of him.
What Aki realised just before his death was that he had never seen happiness, or rather he had chosen not to.
Because happiness isn't there to be found, it's there, it's just there to be looked at, plunged in a pile of shit but it's sometimes there, but we refuse to consider that this thing is happiness, we can hope for more, can't we?
You have to eat this crappy hamburger, even if it means throwing up.
This is the taste of happiness.
Back to the snow
Which you associate with Denji's sadness and Aki's death
Yet this snow fight is Aki's last happiness
Seeing that snow again, associated with that fateful day when he lost his family
Holding that snow in his hands, and playing with his little brother, a little brother he has found again
What if this scene wasn't something he had to endure, but a choice? Aki's choice not to see, the gun held to his eyes, the choice to lull himself into one last sweet illusion, one last bandage, one last cigarette, to escape from this reality that he had always stubbornly tried to face, to escape from it.
But Denji is crying at this point.
Happiness cannot be total happiness, it melts, like snow.
Unhappiness will always be diametrically opposed.
The fact remains that snow is this temporary oblivion, this misfortune that we take in our hands to make snowballs, this moment of fun condemned to melt, snow determines what we do with our misfortune and our happiness.
Snow represents what we decide to see.
It is the forgetting, or rather the silencing of painful memories.
To realize that the snow is cold is to realize the end of happiness, because you're not playing anymore.
I don't like playing snowball: I don't like pretending to be happy anyway.
These memories will not disappear, but we can choose not to see them too much
The snow will remain cold, it will be condemned to melt, it is this moment, what we do with this moment.
Because if it didn't melt, no life would develop
If happiness and unhappiness were not this constant ambivalence, this intermingling of happy and painful moments, if this ephemeral aspect did not exist
Then no life would exist.
When Denji vomits snow, it's because he realises once again the association between happiness and unhappiness that snow represents.
Disgusted by this sad reality too, of not seeing unchanging happiness, of seeing life not as a burger, but as a shit burger.
But the snow is beautiful and it won't stay.
Like these two.
#csm 182#chainsaw man 182#chainsaw man#csm#csm part 2#csm spoilers#denji#asa mitaka#asa#yoru#pochita#aki hayakawa#power#power hayakawa#denji hayakawa#my thoughts
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