#unrelated i still need to get tested for adhd

[thelaughingmerman]

Bro I just found a word that better describes this weird feeling I get all the time. It's not dizziness, it's not vertigo, its disequilibrium. It doesn't solve the problem, but hey I know what to tell my doctor next time lmao.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[taboo-delusion]

So, I just discovered something interesting.

This is a bit of a long one, so bear with me. It's important. Seriously.

I just woke up a few hours ago. My meds are starting to kick in. I was having a very serious and genuine, deep conversation (in-head) and it was... beautiful. It wasn't happy, but it was beautiful. Not the point.

Point is:

I had not had a single fucking intrusive thought today until someone made a noise in the other room.

I am so fucking PISSED OFF

Why my brain refuses to realize that intrusive thoughts CAUSED the good feeling to go away, I have no fucking idea. I've known that for almost a year now, yet my stupid fucking subconscious refuses to change anything it's doing

Before I snap my fucking android phone in half and yeet somebody's face into neptune, I thought I'd share the discovery!!!!

Basically:

MY INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS DID NOT START UNTIL SOMETHING STARTLED ME OUT OF FOCUS

AS I TYPE THIS, I REALIZE THAT INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS -AT LEAST FOR ADHDERS- ARE A SURVIVAL TACTIC.

Elaborating:

When you fall asleep and your heart slows too much, your body does the falling thing to make sure you're still alive.

It's not that intrusive thoughts are *Just* because your brain gets too quiet, It's because your life has never been completely quite before, or -like me- the few times it is quiet, something interrupts. And even if it doesn't piss you off, even if you don't jump like I do, your brain still registers it as not safe.

--

Falling asleep, heart slows a lot-

Body: *Sends adrenaline just to make sure it still actually works.*

Drowning, even mostly unconscious-

Body and brain: *Hold onto that last half-breath even if it feels like you're head is going to explode.*

Going grocery shopping or talking to someone you think is cool-

Brain: *Remembers what it felt like the first time your guardian was indifferent or mean about something that made you happy or calm.*

Things around you actually get quiet-

Brain *Sends a thought you hate just to make sure you're prepared for a sudden problem.*

TDLR 1: Your brain isn't mean on purpose, It's just paranoid and still has a will to live.

Listen. I know I'm just some random dude from a weird blog. But I'm trying to translate, to assist. Maybe somebody else needs this realization as much as I do. I apologize for the yelling earlier. I'm still just as upset, but only at my dumbass subconscious. Now some time has passed, and I have regained self-control.

(I also apologize for the above paragraph, my brain nags for me to do this, but I can't remember why. So:)

I am no psychologist. Here are my qualifications (why you should listen to me):

As my friends call it- "Disturbingly self-aware at all times."

Paranoid Schizophrenic with actual (unrelated) OCD, with years of experience dealing with it- more healthily in recent years.

Philosophy and deep thinking is simply my default. I use metaphors, but everything in this post is entirely literal, ...except the angry threat. (*begrudgingly accepts disappointment*)

I am a fiction writer. I don't know about healing people/first aid, but I know a LOT about how anatomy works, with many deep-dives on the psychology/evolution side.

People irl generally consider me a genius? Idk how to gauge that, IQ tests are irrelevant with this type of... smart?. I've been compared to both Da Vinci and Einstein. So, ...actually that's pretty fuckin' cool- (I AM NOT TRYING TO BRAG! I APOLOGIZE IF IT COMES OFF THAT WAY! I've never put it all down like this, and I'm just surprised and questioning my reputation.)

(Also, I love playing detective, so naturally I call myself Batman XD.)

Autistic; I experience the world, and every situation, from a view without any context.

ADHD: My brain automatically -As a guardian I hate describes- "Can watch three different movies at the same time, all in fast forward, and can keep up with all of them." ... Well, yes, but technically no. Idk if other ADHD people do this, but my brain "connects the dots" so quickly, I end up laughing at jokes I've never heard before the 'punchline', because I've already figured out what you're going to say next.

Now combine all that. I am kicking depression's ass and now I want to help you do the same.

I have only mentioned the relevant things. Please keep in mind that ALL of these have both advantages and disasters. Thank you for your patience and understanding. I am running on four hours of sleep. For the love of whatever, I hope this actually helps someone other than me.

Qualifications are noted because: This is all stuff (and stuff like this) that I am just always casually aware of.

TLDR2: Even if I wasn't trying to help people feel better, Apparently I was born with a nat 20 perception/insight check, so please don't argue that I truly understand what I'm talking about here.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hiya

I’m feeling kind of empty recently. Like I’ll have days when I’m just sitting around feeling like there’s nothing to do and I just watch shit YouTube videos while lying in bed feeling as if I’m not in my body. And it’s even worse when I’m in school and tired and I just remember I physically exist and I all of a sudden stop feeling like I’m in my body and real.

I have exams in the next two weeks and everyone is revising but whenever I try and look at my books I completely zone out. Occasionally I’ll go hours with out talking because I forget I exist. Other times I won’t stop talking.

Unrelated I think, but I might have ADHD. My councillor at school told me like two years ago that I might have ADHD and a lot of people have said they can see the signs, even my mother but she hasn’t tried to get me diagnosed or anything.

Examples of the signes I have include talking non stop for hours, zoning out a lot, difficulty focusing/keeping on task (I went a whole math lesson colouring in and talking while my friend filled in my work sheet), forgetfulness, disorganisation, and difficulty keeping still.

I have a lot of the signs but can’t do anything about it. I’m getting worried about my exams because of my difficulty focusing, but they’re only end of year exams so I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Anyways, thanks for reading and possibly responding! I just needed to get all this out it’s really starting to bother me and affect my every day life.

Hi hon!

Have you tried to sit your mom down and tell her that you're truly concerned about this? Maybe if you explain everything you've told me, she'll take you seriously?

If not, you could also try taking to a teacher. At least for the ADHD part, some countries allow school systems to test students for things like that.

I think at this point, finding an adult that takes you seriously is the best course of action. Do you have one in mind?

Sending you luck on your exams <3

Naming you cucumber anon

[thrackys-infodump]

Alright this is gonna be long and include a rough history lesson. It is not meant as an excuse or justification for ignoring accessibility in the context of MFA but mostly just to try and explain how challenging this whole problem is from a cybersecurity perspective.

So I’m a cybersecurity researcher (and Autistic w/ADHD) and will be the first to tell you that absolutely nobody has a good solution to “the authentication problem” thanks in part to the decades long game of cat and mouse between defenders and attackers, as well as the capitalist incentives that drive the tech world.

Before I dive in, think about how you would want to protect access to your bank account or email so only you or people you allow could access it? How might someone get past that without your permission? What happens if there’s an exceptional circumstance?

So when we talk authentication these are the sorts of things to consider. At the core what we’re really asking is: How do you get someone to prove they are the rightful account holder or should be permitted access under “normal” circumstances? Same question for exceptional circumstances. Let’s look at how that’s evolved (roughly, I’m not a historian 😅)

First we had passwords, but then they were too easy to guess and trivial for an attacker to gain access so we added requirements like length and later complexity. This of course created all sorts of challenges with passwords being forgotten more frequently, and naturally people use the same password everywhere they can. Occasionally this would bite someone in the ass if they were individually targeted but password reuse wasn’t that big of a deal.

Then came the data breaches.

In the earlier days a data breach might have meant just your account on that service was compromised, but pretty quickly we began accumulating accounts all over the place, using the same login identifier (email address for example) and password everywhere. At that point it didn’t take long to realize that storing all the account passwords in plain text is a bad idea so the industry (eventually) moved to using a complex mathematical transformation on the passwords that only works one direction. You can check if a password matches by putting the password attempt through the transformation but you can’t recover the password from the transformed value. Ok great. Problem solved!

Except the attackers came up with methods to quickly test a large number of guesses, on the condition they were able to steal the password database in the first place. The response was to use more complicated transformations that took longer for the computer to test, but the limitation became apparent quite quickly: if a password is “common” in its composition, the chances of it being cracked quickly are still rather high regardless of the method used to secure it. So, scores of people who used the same login and password continued to have multiple accounts hacked due to a breach at one unrelated company.

So fast forward a bit and we get two factor authentication: something you know (password), and something you have. So even if someone knows your password, if they don’t have “the thing”, they can’t get in.

High security businesses like banks had 2 factor authentication for quite a while. You had a little physical keychain that displayed a number that changed every 60 seconds. But of course things happen. Keychains get lost and damaged and people still need to work, so the IT department has processes to deal with that. The scale is not so big it’s unmanageable.

The problems begin when your ratio of users to support staff starts to get waaaaaay out of control like when you force every customer to use it. Many tech companies simply can’t be in business without this huge customer to staff ratio. That’s the business model, and the problems surrounding it are especially prevalent in the context of content moderation as well. And really It means that the ability to handle exceptional circumstances is extremely poor and this extends to the ability or even desire to provide different solutions for people that may require them.

On top of that, the tech world sees the authentication problem as yet another way to make money. There are numerous big players that all claim to have the perfect solution, but at the moment they’re all basically variations on the same themes and far from being any sort of simple, universally accessible standard. And they all cost a pretty penny to implement their service, usually on a cost per user per month basis. The only way for something to become “standard” in this sort of highly competitive, sales-first environment is that we wind up with a monopoly and the standard is forced upon us whether it is any good or not. Basically, if you can’t make money from it, it likely won’t get any traction. There are cooperative “working groups” to develop tech standards but it’s generally more about creating standards for organizations to use in their products than creating functional solutions to big problems.

So at the moment there is genuinely no good solution beyond MFA because the problem exists well outside the sphere of “a company securing its login system”. The problem is that we use the same “things” to authenticate to many different places, AND THIS INCLUDES OUR DEVICES. If someone has your password and full access to your phone, they have access to every service where you use that password and the phone for MFA. So MFA exists to try and solve (mostly, but not exclusively) password reuse, but only because it’s considered more difficult for an attacker to obtain than a password due to the physical constraints.

We simply don’t have a better way of authenticating someone than a login and password without relying on a specific tech company and MFA is basically putting a bandaid on the fact that passwords can be leaked, shared, reused, etc. A proper solution would need to be technically sound and universally accessible and frankly I don’t think the tech world is capable of this while they’re busy chasing their next round of VC funding or trying to make money off some stupid ape JPGs.

resharing this oldie because i just got a new laptop and the number of times i am being required to login to things, login to a DIFFERENT app/program/password manager/authenticator, provide a number, and then login again is making me fucking INSANE

[lavendertowerarchives]

A couple years ago, in a Criminal Justice class I was taking (better than the alternatives and rather enjoyable), I was presented with the notion that the american justice system is meant to reform its inmates. Its purpose isn't just to hold people, it's to help them change. This prompted immediate skepticism from me.

Turns out it was true. Its mission is exactly that. I was rather shocked at the time. I always thought it was just an advanced form of "time-out" where criminals were sent and held until they could not legally be held any longer. Before this class, I had never heard of any program to rehabilitate the convicted, the accused, or the guilty. Other people seemed to know this already, but it's not like I did a survey.

A lack of information certainly contributed to the fact that I didn't know better. I realize only two years later that another reason I took the "system" for granted is because I'd never seen it in action before. Not only had I never heard of an inmate coming out of an institution better than when the came in, at least by design. Stories like Shawshank Redemption were outliers by a large margin, both making improvement seem near-impossible and showing that criminals of any caliber would only be released once they were deemed both harmless and no longer profitable for the prison to keep exploiting.

The most important part of this is that I hadn't seen it in my own life, either. I often fucked up as a child, and when I slipped up and let my mother know, I would not get explanation nor assistance for what I did wrong. All I got was punishment. If I got any words thrown at me, it was in the form of a lecture which was mostly to communicate "I will catch you again, what the fuck were you thinking, I'm an awful mother."

As an unrelated side note, lectures have never worked for me, explained only recently by my ADHD semi-diagnosis (blah blah blah she told me to take my results elsewhere because she can't legally diagnose me blah blah blah). My hatred of directed lectures stemmed from the unnecessary and unrestrained anger being shown to me, the insistence that I sit still and make eye contact, and that I do not interrupt nor refute. In other words, things I have always struggled heavily with. But that's irrelevant for now.

It was always a punishment that I got (me and my brother both), and that punishment was always disconnected from the infraction. I fail a test? No playing on the computer today. I stay too late after school? No touching my Lego collection for a while, at least until she forgot she told me not to. There was never any effort on her part to understand why I messed up, help me not mess up, or explain how/why I shouldn't do what I'm supposed to do.

I took the punishment and made do. I had my ways. I understood that this was how it worked (to her). The thing that really made me realize that this was punishment for punishment's sake and not for my own improvement was when I got my phone confiscated for the first time (I think. If I had it taken away before, it was only for an hour or so).

I did something she disapproved of. Her response, that evening, was to take my phone and put it high up somewhere. She knew she couldn't hide it, and the symbolic nature of the ban was what had weight, not the actual confiscation. I went to sleep that night, restless simply because I didn't have something to drown my thoughts.

The next morning, I did everything as normal, except my distraction of choice was To Kill a Mockingbird. I just picked it up and carried it with me. Any time I would grab my phone, I just opened the book instead. I wasn't really talking to my friends much anyways, and I could totally afford to not play any of my games for a day, a week, however long I wouldn't have it. I just made do. It wasn't in my nature to pine away for something I didn't need.

Than night, I asked my brother to text my partner that I was phoneless (they were/are prone to freaking out when they don't hear from me). I got back to reading. My mother saw this and grew even more frustrated that I showed zero remorse for what I did (I don't remember sawree). She made it clear that the confiscation was to make me feel bad. This forced me to understand that this was not me being reprimanded. This was to make her feel better by making me feel worse. As usual, she completely misunderstood the relationship I have with my belongings, and I am not in fact addicted to any of them. My family is just boring as fuck and annoying as hell to be around.

I got my phone back right afterwards after she realized it wasn't having the effect she desired. I showed minor joy and just went back to doing my thing. I had finished the book (took only a day, woo), and was ready to sleep. She had taught me nothing except she was capable of wishing and causing me distress. Something I didn't know my mother could or would do.

When she tried to teach me things, she failed spectacularly by demonstrating a full and unapologetic lack of background knowledge, as well as some foreground knowledge, point-blank refusing to answer my questions to help me understand things. I only ever learned things she had no part in, with an exemplary case above.

Punishment in any form is a great deterrent, but it's only effective if it's tailor-made to make someone not want to do something. If it's anything less than devastating, any decision regarding the crime in question is turned into a cost-benefit equation. I could live without my phone. I can live without my computer. I don't want to, but I can (ignore the fact that I don't want to live under any circumstances. shush).

I'd never been a part of someone else's reform. I didn't know that was a thing that happened. I guess I'm not surprised that the US prison system is just another facade for racism and classism instead of actually doing its job.

[dagasinfilo]

couple years back i went to a new doc by recommendation of my then psychiatrist. she was young and seemed empathetic even if a bit cold so i got myself full of illusion. i talked about my arthritis diagnosis, how i was never properly informed about it, how i don’t know it’s specificities, how it was at best semi-formal (even if initially we did get a second opinion, who agreed with the diagnosis, even though by all means the whole thing was a form of manipulation from my parents. long story). i talked about other symptoms i couldn’t correlate to the arthritis. i talked about my mental health. i talked about my in/ability to function and how it was impacted in both fronts, and how each affects the other.

she talked about differential diagnosis. she talked about a process that would start with basic bloodwork+testing for arthritis (i assume autoantibodies). she talked about several steps. she told me to exercise and stop smoking. i was elated. i’m being listened? considered? believed?

i went and got the bloodwork done. a couple months go by.

i go get my t shot (same hospital, only public hospital in my town). i talk about the whole experience, by request of the social worker that’s usually there.

“you don’t have arthritis”

… huh?

“the results came back,” the doctor that provides me hrt, who’s also a general practitioner, gesturing smugly towards a computer screen. “they’re here: you don’t have arthritis”

… huh.

by this point i was already going through one of my absolutely worst years mental health wise, for reasons completely unrelated.

i didn’t make a new appointment.

until last may. i had gotten my adhd assessment and diagnosis and had been on meds for it since january. and man! i didn’t feel perfect but i felt confident enough. and i figured, hell, better take care of this other thing before the snowball gets too big, ya feel?

and so i went back.

“why are you here”

a coldness runs down my spine.

uh. i- um. i’m, well, you know, i uh sorry i took so long! i was having problems, but um you know how last time we did some tests, and you said you were gonna order more to s-

“all tests came back fine. have you been exercising?”

ah yeah i mean well kinda, i-

“you need to get some exercise. and stop smoking” she then spends an amount of time talking rapidly about how there were so many ways in which i could die if i didn’t stop smoking, and how she wasn’t gonna tell me about them so i don’t freak out. i think. i was overstimulated from sensory hell in the waiting room and was already struggling when i came in. by this point i was barely processing anything.

“get some exercise and i promise that will fix everything”

i meekly agree. my mind is blank. id been on complete autopilot since some minutes back.

i walk the same 40 minutes back home that i walked to get there, at the same briskish pace i usually walk when alone, which is the fastest, and the slowest pace my short legs and hyperactive brain will allow respectively, as usual disregarding any pain or soreness or weakness, which is what growing up disabled, raised by a disabled mom who’s terrified of looking disabled, and by extension terrified of you looking disabled, will do to you.

it’s almost august and i still get little glimpses, windows that open as suddenly as they then close, of memories, understanding, feelings from that ~25 minute appointment. things i didn’t remember, things i then promptly forget again. things i dont, that then stay with me.

thinking about anything related makes me jittery and nauseous. it makes me feel like i need to peel all the skin from my back and shoulders. it makes me confused and hopeless and extremely alert

this is not new to me. i had felt that before, for different reasons. thats the brand of feeling that consumed most of my late teens and early 20s that i ended up getting a ptsd diagnosis for.

and i guess that’s why i haven’t gone to the er for the rib thing nor the sudden struggling with balance and muscle weakness that’s barely letting me walk of late

[chibabymumma]

The Age Of Perimenopause

This is a nightmare. My period started, I know that doesn't sound like an overdramatic thing, but it is. It is like screaming underwater, no one can hear you. Your invisible. The only thing that makes you visible is the huge meno belly that destroys you. It is like your body is playing vile tricks on you. Making you look pregnant, heavily pregnant at that! Then there's the bleeding, the endless heavy, all your clothes are covered in blood from head to toe in 2 days flat! It doesn't matter how many pads you wear, you're going to bleed right through them in an hour. You know it. You count down on the clock if you have stuff to do outside the house. "Okay I have 40 minutes I need to go now, before I have to change" it's frantic but you're so exhausted from the sheer amount of blood you're losing. But you have to go on, the world tells us it doesn't stop when you have your period, you can go to the gym, dancing, whatever! But what about women like me? Who's menses ruin their life for nearly 26 days? What about the women like me who are severely anemic from this? Who's Premenstrual tension, turns so icy dark to the dark side, your feeling suicidal? There is no help, Drs here in the UK especially where I live refuse hormone tests now, they refuse hrt due to the risk of breast cancer, and I'm just told to grin and bare my way through it! Well how? It's an onslaught, just trying to make it through the day, we need help. I feel blind in this, my body is my enemy, my hormones are the attackers and the antigonists, ruthless, unrelenting, violent and painful, and you lose all sight of yourself, I'm having a double whammy, I'm a mother to a Toddler a medically complicated autistic Toddler, who's mother is falling to pieces over the war going on in her body, I read and read papers, articles, journals, but we are all different what works for one may not work for another...

So I got radical I simply cannot live with the depression, anxiety, it's endless. I started micro dosing magic mushrooms 🍄 it's early days but so far I'm calm my body is still raging this unrelenting battle especially right now. This period came out of the blue no warning! And it always seems to happen when I'm in Aldi!!! Aldi of all places!! But it's Day 2 no suicidal thoughts but there is some anxiety, I think that has to do with little lion going through his "Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville! Welcome to Jackass!" Phase , and my daughter, my eldest is pregnant, my first grandchild, Tia is high risk, I'm frankly panic stricken for her, she seems to be sticking her head in the sand. I'm frantically trying to dig her out!

Did you know, since the magic mushrooms 🍄 I have started to eat, I know that sounds strange I have MCAS, a few years ago I could only have a rice protein shake, that's all my body would allow, until I got pregnant with little lion, my whole autoimmune system changed, I was eating strawberries, that was a huge thing, before, that would of put me into anyphlactic shock. But I realised thanks to the gentle wisdom of the 🍄 that I have an eating disorder. I barely eat, food is scary, food can put me in shock, food makes me fat, you can see how these thoughts progress, with having ADHD and Autism food is also something I forget to do and forgot to do often and just filled my face with Gluten free cake, (celiac to oh the joys) when I was so tired and had to run around making breakfast for little lion, I have to hand feed him, husband, daughter, clean, wash, try to get shit done, and then the hunger hits, I don't eat sensibly, my middle child Matty he is helping me as he's a personal trainer studying at a prestigious Uni where we are. It made me realise when I asked for help, and Matty kindly devised me a plan, that

1: I really don't eat much

2: I have serious issues with food

3: course I'm not going to lose weight I binge on crap after being on the go for over 14 hours and forgot to feed myself!

The realisation hit me!

4: I have an eating disorder....

The 🍄 have helped me see this and I have finally thanks to the 🍄 and Matty started to try to eat 3 times a day, monitor what I eat and try to eat at the same times each day, toddler permitting. But today after my first real breakthrough, Tia came to stay and the stress and the period and the utter madness of it all.

I ate the fucking cake! ... I did, I didn't feel good after it, I felt ashamed at all my hard work has turned to ash.

My daughter has been screaming and yelling most of the day, at me, her partner, little lion, it's tough so tough .. I keep gently reminding her, he's 3 this is normal when he's bouncing around doing his little 3 year old stuff, and then I cracked ...

I ate the fucking cake!!!

I'm miserable, it's so hard to please her, little lion is now scared of her shouting as she does it often. Me with my autism I cannot cope with loud sound it physically hurts me, so I never shout, it's just ouch. He ran to his father in terror at the shrieking from his sister hiding in fear on his lap, seeking reassurance. I was in the kitchen, and it broke my heart when I heard this sorry tale later that day.

So I ate the fucking cake!!!

And now I'm hiding in the bath. Praying to my beloved Dieties that I survive, toddlerdom, pregnant daughters and the perimenopause. Praying fevererently that I will not give back into cake. Let's see what glorious fuckery happens tomorrow, sigh...

[starrystar]

Alt:

20

Light gray background

Oddly enough, I don’t think I was ever scared I’d die.

SB: No, no, I’ll be fine. It’s just gonna be a really shitty few months.

Caption: For the first time in human history. People online offered me useful medical advice.

Quotation: The snail mucin moisturizer works on radiation burns. Ginger beer is your friend. Buy a bunch of really soft oversized men’s shirts. This is like having the world’s shittiest temp job. Take claritin when they give you the one shot.

21

Blue background

She was very right about the temp job.

I needed tests and more tests and even more tests before starting chemo

Spiky speech bubbles: MRI, C-T Scan, Labs, Bone Scan

Fortunately, they made all the appointments and just told me where to be.

SB: Otherwise my ADHD ass would still be navigating a phone tree.

22

Dark teal background like being underwater

Sound effects in bold take up the background: Clang clang clang clang clang whang whang whang bang bang clang clang clang bang

Caption: The MRI was…interesting. Since I had to lay facedown, it was like booking a massage and getting industrial music instead.

RN: You’re doing great, sweetie!

SB: What?! I can’t hear you!

23

Pink and fleshy background

The MRI showed that Bob had not metastasized. He was, for now, contained within the boob.

MD: It’s very good news!

SB: Oh thank God.

MD: Uh, it did show a cyst on your thyroid, though.

SB: …You’re shitting me.

MD: Thyroids get a lot of random lumps. We’ve scheduled an ultrasound.

Really? Really? Just…really?

24

Orange and red background like a tequila sunrise

SB: Is it even possible to get two completely unrelated cancers simultaneously?

MD: …yes. But I wouldn’t worry.

SB: You know, the last time I wasn’t worried about a lump…

Fortunately by then, the ten days were up

DR: Thank you for agreeing to a phone appointment. My daughter brought home pinkeye and…well…

SB: It’s fine! It’s fine!

MR: Oh God! No!

25

Pink and red background like pinkeye

Pinkeye aside, the oncologist was awesome. She laid out the schedule, the type of chemo, everything. I was getting the chemo known as the red devil. Yes, I would be nauseated. Yes, my hair would fall out. But on the bright side, my blood would become so toxic it could kill mosquitos. Also I might cry red tears.

MR: Oh, that’s metal as fuck.

SB: I know, right?!

26

Teal background like water

My husband would also have to wear a condom during sex once the chemo started.

SB: Wait, stop, hold the phone. Why?!

MD: That’s really a question to bring to the chemo education class.

SB: But what’s gonna happen to his jun-

MD: Chemo education class.

SB: …

MD: I bought one of your children’s books to read with my four-year-old daughter.

SB: I hope she enjoys it very much.

27

Lavender background

Before we could start anything though insurance had to approve it. That could take weeks.

SB: Oh. Joy.

My friends proved, yet again, that they were awesome.

SB: You wanna talk about it, great. You don’t want to talk about it, great.

SB: I think I want industry gossip and stupid memes today.

SB: Great.

My publisher sent me wine and told me the schedule could go hang.

28

Lime bubbly background

People I knew came out of the woodwork who had had cancer or were having it right this minute. They just weren’t telling anyone, a tactic that hadn’t occurred to me.

SB: You’re brave to talk about it in public!

SB: What, and keep all these tumor jokes to myself?

I wasn’t actually brave. Bravery is doing something that scares you.

Caption: Social media doesn’t scare me. Well, except for the healthy fear one should probably have at all times. The cancer scared me, but I live online. My pocket friends are part of how I navigate the world. Otherwise I’d just be shouting into the void. Not talking about it was a much scarier prospect. That’d be like looking into the void and not shouting.

End.

The Saga of Bob, Part III!

Part I

Part II

(Seriously, shout out to the UNC hospital system—once you’re in, it runs completely on rails.)

Friend of mine who was in the Navy falls asleep instantly in MRI machines because he says it’s like being back in his bunk in the bowels of the ship.

(Dr. Pinkeye has since made a full recovery.)

Part IV will post quite soon, but we’re getting through the backlog I hammered out in some kind of crazed fugue. Then it’ll be less drinking from the firehose, I promise.

You people transcribing this are heroes.

[ghostickle]

I feel like I want therapy to work I want to be okay but it’s fuckin impossible to get anyone who’s a decent person and understands

[cl0udpup]

Big sigh

*Still figuring out moving over from Twitter to Tumblr, but for now, I'm just gonna flush out my threads here and see how that goes...*

Anxiety dreams

I had disturbing, surreal, End Of The World, running from cops, moving through portals, being broke and homeless, anxiety dreams all morning. Woke up with my neck stiff and swollen for the second day in a row, exhausted. I took a rapid last night, came out negative, but it's hard to trust testing now with new variants. I have allergy shots in an hour, and I really don’t wanna go, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I miss it. Last time I missed a week, I suffered with extreme hives and asthma symptoms.

...

I did it

I went to the shot. Still feeling like shit. Still testing negative for c19.

I’ve been staying up late the past few nights, so I’m sure that doesn’t help. Winter is really tough on my body (and mind.) The dry air makes my skin swell up, and I get all tense and hot. I couldn't manage to wear a coat outside, even though it's 30 degrees out, because it makes it so much worse once I go inside. They keep the hospital sooo warm.

I need to get a humidifier running in my office, but this room is like 80 sq ft, so I'm concerned about where it will go, it getting knocked over, or the water getting on my computer. I have cords allll over the floor bc I have no idea how to do cord management. But yeah, my sinuses are so incredibly dry and swollen, which is causing this headache I'm sure, and probably the stiff neck.

Adderall

Enough complaining... In more interesting news, today is my first day on Adderall, 10 mg XR. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel anything. I was feeling shitty *before* taking it, so all those symptoms above are unrelated. Although, if this causes any similar symptoms, not sure if I'll be able to tell it apart.

I guess one thing I noticed this morning; it was less excruciating waiting the 30 minutes required to stay at the hospital after my allergy shot. Usually I set a timer, check it exasperatingly every few minutes, pacing and sighing, literally feel like I'm being tortured waiting lol. It usually feels like an hour even tho it’s only half. I have no idea if the med could be helping with that restlessness so soon, but. Worth noting I suppose.

Trauma effects everything

I met with the new psychiatrist who prescribed it on Monday. She asked all the typical intake type questions, and went over my initial survey from the ADHD assessment. Again, the ADHD assessment really was not specific to ADHD, other than the awful computer button clicking bullshit test thing they made me do.

We only talked for around 45 minutes, but she gave me her opinion that she thinks I don't have bipolar. She thinks my hypomanic symptoms and mood swings/cycling were caused by trauma. Who’s to say, really. Trauma effects everything.

I have found I don’t always fit the mold for clinical diagnoses for conditions my symptoms point to. I especially don't fit them forever. Resilience has to be taken into account; learning skills, figuring out accommodations, medication, change of life circumstance.

However, I have, and do (based on past episodes) meet the criteria for bipolar 2, whether the assessment is nuanced enough to give a "correct" answer. Of course, diagnoses are more or less a matter of opinion.

I was also diagnosed with "unspecific mood disorder" & put on mood stabilizers (bipolar meds) as a young teen.

Some of my earliest memories are of being totally overwhelmed emotionally. I remember having what I now know of as anxiety in elementary school. I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 12.

So what is it?

That's the question I've been searching for the answer for my entire life. Wtf is wrong with me, lol. I know trauma, neurodivergence, and the way those two play off each other must be at the root of everything.

Ultimately, all these sprinkles of symptoms make up an actual person, my actual life experiences, my struggles, my disabilities. I don't think it's simple enough to just slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.

I know SSNI medication has helped me immensely in taking all the chaotic energy inside myself, and dampening down my viciously strong emotions. Before meds, I felt totally out of control. I felt I had no control over the insanity. My mood swings and sensory overwhelm thrashed me around like I was on a broken rollercoaster, ready to fly off the tracks at any moment.

BPD

Before starting trauma work, I fit the diagnosis for borderline. Leaving an abusive relationship, learning about attachment disorders, and understanding more about being neurodivergent helped me grow into a person who could have healthy relationships, and stop hurting myself.

Graduating from a DBT program when I was 18 helped as well, but looking back, the most helpful part was being part of a community. Sharing 8 hours a week with other traumatized teens, forming bonds, being vulnerable and supporting each other. That's what helped.

We never even talked about trauma as a force of destruction. We mostly learned how to channel our thoughts and behaviors into something less visibly disruptive and damaging.

We weren't validated and told "something awful happened to you, and it wasn't your fault, and it's not your fault that it made you hate yourself so much you want to destroy yourself and everything around you." I think we really needed that. I know I still need to hear that.

Chaos

I'm 30 now, and I still am no where near having all the answers. Finding the ADHD piece of the puzzle definitely puts a lot into perspective, but I don't know if it can account for everything. I do have hopes for medicating it.

My 20's were so chaotic. I had no idea if I would survive to where I am now. That being said, I made a lot of decisions that helped me survive when I needed to, things I said I'd deal with the consequences of later, and, later has finally caught up to me.

I used spending as a coping mechanism. I channeled a lot of my chaotic energy into work over the past decade. Before my body started shutting down on me, I worked alll the time, and made decent money. I bought into the whole credit score thing, got a bunch of credit cards, and maxed them all out. Yes, having a credit history helped me get things I needed, but mental illness put me in this mindset of "I'm probably gonna die soon, so I should just get what will make me happy right now."

Knowing now that I have ADHD, so much of this makes sense. I struggle with things like feeding myself, cleaning, staying on track, completing tasks, all the executive function bullshit. So, I've driven myself into debt buying things I thought could help me "get my life together."

Can't get myself to eat enough to not trigger a mood episode? I'll just order take out or go to the cafe every day. Can't keep the house from being a total mess? I'll buy every cleaning and organizing tool imaginable that might help inspire me to bring necessary order to my surroundings. Same thing for exercising, self care, literally just existing, I always thought if I could "just" find the right solution, all my problems would disappear and I could catch up to my peers who perpetually left me in the dust.

Don't even get me started on the spending sprees I've gone on in response to depression and suicidality. Feel like dying because understimulated? Let's book a trip for me and a companion where I'll pay for everything because I want to be loved. Feel like dying because overstimulation? Let's buy things to self soothe. It's a mess.

And so, life goes on

Now, this year, when I have my head on straight, and am no longer crushed and suffocated by abuse, or distracted by partying, my health took a nose dive. I have hardly been able to work at all this year. I've always been concerned with my ill health, but now more than ever I've been forced to focus on it solely. I'm committed. The only place I go these days is to appointments; three a week: therapy, allergy injections, and acupuncture.

I so desperately want to get my life together, once and for all. I truly hope I'm on the right track. All I can do is trust this is what I'm supposed to do.

[that-bi-bitch-writes]

A Cursed Reality- JJK x Male Reader (Ch. 3)

This has a couple time skips. They aren't huge and I didn't know how to format it so I just put little dashes to imply there are time skips.

A lot of this material is taken straight from the manga and adapted a little to fit [Name] and there's a hint to his greater power/purpose in the story as well as his background. Enjoy!!!

Previous // Next

Chapter Three: In hindsight [Name] probably should’ve minded his own business. Actually, NO. He was going to blame everything on Gojo. If Gojo hadn’t sent him on that mission to play dutiful senpai [Name] never would’ve gotten involved with Sukuna’s vessel beyond being his upperclassman. But noooo. Now [Name] actually feels something for Itadori, including an obligation to check on the kid. Yuji would most likely be fine, he was being protected by Gojo, and like [Name]’s favorite Sensei, Yaga seems to at least consider Gojo’s opinion when making decisions. His power is well respected regardless of whether or not the blue-eyed Sorcerer is liked. The problem, in [Name]’s own words, was ‘that damn principal’ who liked to torture some of the more problematic recruits. Yaga of course called it a form of vetting. He didn’t want to enroll any students that would die way too easily or cause more problems than they were worth. With people like Yuji and [Name] the whole vetting process became troublesome. Straightforward but complex. They didn’t hide anything really and didn’t have any secret motives, but there were a lot of unknowns in their lives. Especially about where they came from and how they would act in the heat of the moments. ---------------- “Whoa! It’s in the mountains? Is this really Tokyo?” “This isn;t actually out of the ordinary for a tokyo suburb” “What about Fushiguro?” “He’s fast asleep after receiving jujutsu treatment” -------------------------------- “Fushiguro-kun!” “Hmm” “Fushiguro!” “[Name]-senpai” “Where is Gojo-sensei? Is he back with Yuji yet?” “I’ve been asleep, but Gojo-sensei said he’d leave at 6am” “That was three hours ago” “Yeah” “Good! So they haven’t made it to the principal yet. Sweet dreams Fushiguro-kun” “I’ll come with you” “You’ll need your rest” “But-” “Sleep” and with that [Name] darted out the door hearing Megumi’s body hit the mattress once again. [Name] had to warn Yuji about the principal. Knowing Gojo he’d probably stress the kid out and throw him to the gorilla. Yaga of course being the gorilla. ------------------------------------------- “First thing’s first, Yuji--” Gojo started “You’ve got an interview with the principal.” “The principal?” “If you mess up, you might get rejected for admission, so stay frosty, okay?” “WHAT!? DOES THAT MEAN I CAN GET EXECUTED RIGHT AWAY? Yuji shrieked “What a disappointment... I thought you were the leader… A hierarchy not based purely on strength is boring if you ask me” Sukuna raged on before being slapped into silence. “Sorry Sensei, He comes out sometimes….” “What an interesting body you have now.” Gojo noticed “I owe you a debt, after all” “Not again” Yuji shouted Sukuna ignored Yuji and continued “When I make this Kid’s body mine… You’ll be the first one I kill!” “Silence” “Me a target of the great sukuna? What an honor!” Gojo continued as if nothing had happened Sukuna hadn’t disappeared yet but couldn’t open his mouth. [Name]’s cursed command had a little more strength in it than normal. Gojo may have been immature, unfairly attractive (something that pissed [Name] off for reasons “unrelated” to jealousy) and extremely annoying, but he was the closest thing [Name] had to family. He was there to drag [Name] from out of the wreckage after the accident and he was the first person to welcome [Name] to Jujutsu Tech. So yeah, Sukuna’s threat pissed [Name] off a bit. Yuji finally shook Sukuna off and continued to talk to Gojo. About what [Name] has no clue, the two of them were easily excitable and all over the place. In the meantime he was trying to think of advice to give to Yuji before he was thrown into Gorilla territory. Yaga wouldn’t let [Name] stay for the interview and [Name]’s not exactly sure he’d want to anyway. “Hey Puppy!” “Puppy?” ‘Oh shit’ [Name] thought ‘I totally meant to say Yuji. Okay [Name] just breeze past it’

“You’re going into some dangerous territories/ That old man will be looking for a reason to throw you out. Don’t screw up. Just be yourself... but like the you on ADHD meds” Gojo couldn’t help but snicker and [Name] shot him a look as if to communicate ‘the same can be said about you Satoru’ before walking away. “Thanks [Name]-san!” Yuji called after the retreating boy. He then became incredibly serious “Sensei. You said you’d win. But between [Name] and Sukuna… would he lose?” “I don’t know if he’d win” Gojo said before a pregnant pause “But he wouldn’t die. I know that for sure.” Within Yuji, Sukuna hummed in curiosity. That boy had no trouble overpowering Sukuna. And with one word at that. Of course, right now he had only the strength of one finger, but for the boy not to break a sweat. He couldn’t help but think things were getting interesting. ----------------------- “This is your room, you can do whatever you want with it.” “Whoa it’s huge” “The second- and third-years are out right now. You’ll meet them soon enough. Though there’s not many of them anyway” Yuji whistled, putting up a poster of a woman in a bikini before pausing. “What about [Name]? He asked “Is he out too?" “I actually don’t know. It depends. You see [Name] has a very special relationship with the other second years and sometimes that means trouble for missions, so it’s a 50/50 chance on whether or not he’s still here” Yuji hmmed and Gojo stared at him in silence. “Yuji you don’t need to fight, you know. Fushiguro and I can go and retrieve Sukuna’s fingers. Why don’t you just wait here?” Yuji faced the wall and seemed to be immersed in thought. In all honesty both he and Gojo knew what the answer would be. Only one day was needed to figure out the type of person Yuji was. “No! I said I’d do it didn’t I? But it would be hilarious to see a beaten-up Fushiguro bring the fingers to me while I relax” Both he and gojo thought about it a little. Gojo agreed it would be funny. “Okay! To be honest there’s no way you’re not fighting” “Hey! Was that a test?!” “If they were that easy to find we would’ve found them already! There are some with a large overwhelming presence. Others that keep quiet. And some that have already been consumed by a cursed spirit. “With regard to searching for these things… It’s gonna be a pain. But now we have you. In order to regain its power… The sukuna you consumed will direct you to the whereabouts of the fingers. You’re a vessel as well as a radar. We’re gonna need you in the field” “I don’t think the guy inside me’s that considerate...” “I think we’ll be able to come to a win-win agreement” Gojo concluded “Huh you’re next door? There’re a bunch of empty rooms aren’t there?” “Hey! Fushiguro! You finally look better! And [Name]’s with you” “What kind of an upperclassman would I be if I didn’t check on the first years. It’s my responsibility to make sure you’re all happy and healthy” [Name] said trying to keep up some charade of being a good student. “You woke me up very aggressively” Fushiguro countered “That’s neither here nor there” “I thought it’d be more fun and lively this way. And obviously I was right” Gojo answered Fushiguro’s question pointing to an oblivious Yuji who was looking at [Name] with pure adoration in his eyes. [Name] looked at the pink haired boy with well hidden fondness. If you didn’t already know [Name], you’d think the blank look on his face meant he hated the kid Fushiguro stared at them for a moment before realizing he’d rather argue than let Gojo be right. “Classes and missions are more than enough!” “Anyway… It’s fine!!! More importantly we’re goin’ out tomorrow!!” Both Yuji and Megumi stared at Gojo. Yuji in surprise, Fushiguro in annoyance “We’re going to get the third first-year student. “Count me out” [Name] spoke up reminding everyone that he too was still there “I’ve got somewhere to be” “Ooh [Name] has a daate” “Can it old man. I’m just going somewhere with Toge” “How is that any different from what I just said”

[Name] ignored the teacher and stalked off toward the second year dorms. “See you later puppy, emo kid”

“Wait for me!” Gojo called out chasing after the second year “I’ve got something to talk to you about”

----------

“So who’s Toge?”

“Inumaki-senpai’s a second year and the one of the only people [Name] likes in this school. I can count them all on one hand.”

-----------------------------

“So,” [Name] paused “What did you want to talk about?”

“Yuji’s at risk. I can tell you kinda care about him and Megumi so I’m going to use that. When I’m gone you have to protect them. Any means necessary. That includes cursed storytelling”

[Name]’s eyes widened at the mention of his technique. The power itself wasn’t as strong as a domain, but in [Name]’s hands it was deadly. Only he and Gojo knew about it, and if Gojo wanted him to use it, he had no choice.”

“Okay”

[paleode-ology]

okay! one week into adhd meds. since I already made this post I’m just gonna add on for reference when I have my follow up appt.

- my doctor warned me that some people experience nightmares for the first few days on adhd. I haven’t had nightmares but I definitely had very vivid dreams for the first few days. It’s not unusual for me to dream and remember my dreams but every night for a week in a row is a bit out of the ordinary for me.

- I feel like I’ve been dehydrated? My mouth has been getting dry a lot more than usual I guess?

- I had a Very Emotional Week, and while I DO get myself into Very Frequent Drama (👁️) I wouldn’t be surprised if the emotions had been exacerbated by the meds. Which in turn would have made the drama worse. Which would have made the emotions worse. Which would have-

- I’ve been exhausted. Some of this is my fault, I’ve been letting myself stay up way too late, plus emotional exhaustion, and I think I’ve been doing “being social” wrong since the end of summer.

- Since I have been tired and keyed up 24/7 I have been avoiding doing work. So aside from practicing piano my actual capability to pay attention and focus for long periods of time haven’t really been tested yet 🤷🏻 whoops. I did read an entire book (a graphic novel; so not a huge timesink but it WAS in one sitting) and have been steadily making my way through a sci-fi short story anthology that I have so that’s progress on something at least. Sooo we’re still 0 for 0 on homework lmao

Notes about things that aren’t about meds under the cut, I don’t want this post to be any longer than it already is for the sake of your dashes, but I want to keep my notes on ADHD Things in one place for now

Unrelated to medication, I have a few other notes on Dealing With ADHD (Since Actually Being Diagnosed). I started coaching, had my first session a few days ago. Love my coach, they’re honestly really helpful and open, and in even one session managed to start changing how I view tasks and scheduling. So that’s cool.

Being away from school has been harder than I thought it would. Which is insane because like. I just got done spending a year and a half doing school entirely from home and that wreaked absolute havoc on me, so I’m not sure why I thought this would be different. The structure to my days is completely different than it’s ever been before, and I haven’t really been making an effort to adjust to that. Socially it’s been difficult also. Most of the time I spend completely alone except for occasionally talking to my parents (who both work from home) and my sisters when they’re not at school or sports things. I have some in person contact with my one class which is in person, but. That’s school. Fun school, but still. When I DO see my friends, it’s really fun, but making a day out of it is pretty overwhelming? I love seeing people when I go back to campus but I end up hanging out with different people all day which inevitably ends up exhausting me (not to mention having to drive for an hour and a half in a given day is A Lot, even if it’s easy as hell) So any given day has the wrong amount of socializing but there’s not a lot that I can do about that right now? I might talk to my coach about that. It’s highly possible I just need to suck it up until I go back to school in January.

I think that’s it? That’s all that’s coming to mind anyway. This is shit I should be writing in my journal but my phone feels easier right now so sorry if anyone actually reads this it’s literally just for my personal use ahdhfh

okay so today is my first day being medicated for adhd, I’m on extended release adderall, and for the most part I don’t feel too different but here’s what I’ve noticed:

Definitely different:

- food cravings. Normally I feel like I need to constantly be having little treats in order to get through my day, like I go through sooo much juice and chocolate milk boxes in a week it’s insane. Today I haven’t done that at all, but my appetite is normal like I had lunch and stuff

- I practiced piano and was able to focus on it for a lot longer. I felt like I was practicing more efficiently also? I’m not sure how long I practiced, should’ve timed it, but I only stopped bc my stepdad had a call and the mic would’ve picked up the sound.

Maybe different:

- ability to initiate tasks? I haven’t done too much today bc I just don’t have a lot I need to do, but I read for fun for a bit and made my bed finally (this one was coerced by my mother so I’m not sure if I would’ve done it on my own? Maybe? But I was able to do it all the way through, I only had one or two distractions which were minor like turning on my lamp etc)

- I feel kind of tired now, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because I was up too late last night. But I napped for like twenty minutes and I was a lot less restless than I usually am when I nap, I feel like I was able to zone out a lot faster.

- I think that my thoughts are a bit more coherent? As I’m typing this I don’t have a lot going on in the background of my mind, mostly just echos of what I’m typing or only one or two words ahead.

Things that might be affected but haven’t been tested yet:

- driving. I’m REALLY curious about this one, especially because I don’t think I could placebo myself into being a better driver. I’m fine at driving but keeping track of everything that’s going on or looking far enough ahead is often difficult for me.

- social interactions. I’m going to a family reunion/birthday party tomorrow and will be interacting with a lot of people I don’t normally see for a very long time. Curious to see if anything seems different.

- doing homework. I haven’t done any yet today so I’m not sure how much easier it will be (if at all) to start and finish it. That’s for tomorrow or Sunday. In that vein, class as well. I have an online class on Monday and an in person one on Wednesday.

- concerts! I go to a lot of classical music events bc my grandmother is a classical fanatic and lives really close to us, but I ALWAYS struggle to pay attention bc the listening alone just isn’t stimulating enough to me. On Sunday I’m going to an organ concert, so we’ll see how that goes.

- sports! Im on a rec vb team, we only play once a week but maybe something will be different. Or not.

[sacrificethemtothesquid]

Mmm, been awhile since a State of the Squid. Cut for yammering.

Big news: we have A PLUMBER and I am so excited I could SCREAM. We are getting a NEW SHOWER and we are paying SOMEONE ELSE to INSTALL IT so I DON’T HAVE TO which is DECADENT. I feel like I should be lounging on silk pillows for the occasion. 

I mean, I still need to demo and prep everything, but I don’t have to deal with the cast-iron drain and that alone is worth it. Also: it is damn near impossible to find a plumber here right now. This is the fifth guy I called and one of two that called me back, and the only one to send a written estimate. If anyone is looking for a new career, be a plumber. 

The new shower will fix the leak, so we can get OUR ELECTRICIAN in to remediate the exposed knob-and-tube that I also do not want to do, which will get power back to half the downstairs and also the garage. We have been very thankful that we’ve been able to quarantine as successfully as we have, but eighteen months with a hole in the ceiling and no power to my workspaces has been A CHALLENGE. I will be glad to get back to work. (I love having Husbandthing home, but he went to the office yesterday and I was able to run noisy power tools without worrying he was in a meeting, and it was liberating. Might have just revved things for fun.)

****

In OTHER big news: new diagnosis! During a seemingly unrelated conversation last month, my psychiatrist threw an ADHD assessment at me and...well, it was embarrassing how completely I scored. She recommended I try a stimulant to see if it helps with focus, so now I’m testing an almost-homeopathic dose of ritalin. It’s not sky-opens-up-angels-start-singing clarity, but fuck me if it doesn’t clear away some of the blur I didn’t know was there. 

I’m mad about it. I’m not entirely sure where this sudden emotional baggage is coming from, but I’m weirdly, viscerally furious this is a thing. I’m grateful for the assessment, grateful that my mood is stable enough for her to have picked up that something else is going on, grateful for her for not pulling punches and being so willing to work with me, and grateful I have access to insurance for both doctors and meds at all, but yikes. ADHD was mentioned as a possible component to my flailing when I was in high school, but there was no follow-through and I haven’t been a) seen a particular psychiatrist more than a few times and b) ever been as stable mood-wise as I am now. I’m doing All The Reading and All The Research and ugh, it all feels so accurate and I am Mad. 

Maybe the hardest part is the sudden realization that I was never going to be good enough. If this is how I’m wired, no amount of dayplanners or drawer organizers was ever going to control the chaos the way I thought it would. My therapist is being amazing, and I’m slowly realizing how much effort I put into compensation. These are symptoms, not personality flaws. This isn’t just carelessness, and there’s relief in that, but also so much anger, maybe because if it’s how I’m wired, that means so amount of willpower alone will fix it. It isn’t something to be fixed. The only solution is radical acceptance and boy howdy, I am Not Good at that.

So for the moment, I’m focusing (ha!) on taking my meds and being mindful of how I’m feeling. Any stimulant runs the risk of kicking me into hypomania or god forbid actual mania, so I really need to watch myself. The intro dose of the ritalin went so well I tested the next level and my god my brain exploded. Once I came back down, I spent two days after just abjectly depressed as things healed up. We will be staying at the toddler dose for now. 

****

Finally, it is ZUCCHINI SEASON and I am DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY ABOUT IT. I made a zucchini sausage pie last night that was ugly as all hell but delicious, and today I will be outside praising my plants for their sumptuous bounty. 

The heat dome was not kind to my tomatoes - they’re alive, but I don’t think it’s going to be a good year - but my god the PUMPKINS. I had grand visions of trellising them along the fence but quickly gave up when they went full feral. Now, the entire side yard is a pumpkin jungle, and when I ventured in yesterday, I found THREE of the white pumpkins already the size of my head. Halloween is going to be awesome. 

[m-feys]

OK NEURODIVERGENT GAANG TIME BC I WANNA

these hcs are kinda halfway set in a modern au bc thats my context for this ! (gonna split it up so its not as long bc i drafted the original and it was LONG) water tribe siblings first !!!

Sokka

adhd/autism king 😌

[ID: a screenshot of Sokka standing on a raised stone platform with a map of the Fire nation hanging behind him. He’s holding his arms stiffly by his side with a wide-eyed look on his face, brows raised as he has his mouth open, saying something. End ID.]

- schedules to survive, he likes to know what hes getting into and if you try to change plans on him without warning he’ll be very resistant

- smart kid who doesnt study, oh he tries, oh boy does he try, he ends up reading the same sentence over and over until he gets distracted by drawing something, working on the blueprint for his latest invention, or with researching something completely unrelated to what he’s mean to be studying. then he tosses and turns all night because he’s stressed by not having studied, but when he actually takes the test he makes a 105, despite there not even being a bonus question, he just answered the essay question so well the teacher gave him an extra 5 points

- special interests?? we got em!!! classic weaponry (think swords, boomerangs, but also, like canons and catapults and shit) engineering/physics, art/drawing, strategy games. he tends to hyperfocus within his special interests, so like for a week he was hellbent on building his own full sized trebuchet, much to the dismay of Gran Gran who just wanted to grow her tomatoes without them being crushed by said full size trebuchet

- (also he plays all types of games probably, but he def plays those ones where you take over the world, like the ones online and azula also plays them too and they end up being rivals, while not actually knowing who the other is outside of their usernames)

- he also talks a lot in his classes/is like the ‘class clown’ and ppl think this is him not focusing but engaging this way actually helps him focus way more than sitting silently, a lot of teachers dont understand it but the ones who do are actually paying attention and realize that he’s generally talking/joking about their current topic

- some observations (this shit is all canon babey!!!) - sokka is great at being a leader and communicating in groups he’s in but he really really struggles in front of crowds, one-on-one and sokka can talk well, joke and stuff but as soon as he’s separate from other people and everyone is just listening he clams up (solar eclipse pt 1). he also loves to joke and make people laugh, and a lot of the time he misinterprets stuff because he’s autistic but he also will realize this and do it anyway because he thinks it’s funny and he likes laughing with his friends (idk if this happens in canon but i do this and sokka does too bc i said so :^). He also takes up the protector/comforting role but despite his best intentions he can sometimes say insensitive stuff and not even realize what he’s done to upset people (when he happily told aang ‘the whole world thinks your dead!’) works best when he feels needed, if he feels unnecessary or like something doesnt matter he struggles to complete it (i feel like the beginning of sokka’s master rlly demonstrates what i mean here), and this goes both ways, he will put too much value into certain things that he cares about and can get his priorities mixed if he’s focused too much on what he believes matters more than what might be most pressing (zuko destroyed his suki sculpture, oh right bc he was attacking aang)

Katara

she also has adhd/autism, (so do both Hakoda and Kya 💙)

[ID: a screenshot of Katara, Hakoda, Sokka, and Bato. Hakoda has his hand on Katara’s shoulder as they both look at Bato who is saying something, she has curious look on her face with her brows raised, while Hakoda looks exasperated. Sokka beside him his also looking curiously up at Bato, with one brow raised and the other furrowed. Bato has a neutral expression on his face as he speaks. End ID.]

- palms sweaty thoughts spaghetti, she tries to be practical bc she thinks someone needs to be but really her brain is like a runaway train, she sees something that needs doing and is like, guess ill do that now! and drops whatever she was doing first. she can get very anxious because of this because all the thing that need doing start to pile up because theyre all in her brain at once. that and as much as she tries to be practical she’s very impulsive, getting help from other people really helps alleviate this stuff

- interacting w ppl, when she was only part of her own smaller community she had a lot less toll on her, bc she knew everyone and was used to them, as she meets more people she gets really frustrated with how many people seem to refuse to say what they really mean. Katara is very straightforward herself and she says what she means, so even tho she gets more and more perceptive when interacting with new people, she resents how much she has to work just to decipher what people really mean half the time.

- caring for ppl, with people she cares about communicating is much easier bc she knows them, so she’s very open about her feelings around these people, and she can be hyper empathetic at times, but then sometimes she will say SUPER insensitive stuff off the cuff because she’s just very impulsive and she might regret it after the fact but she really struggles with apologizing because being wrong makes her feel like ppl are going to reject her

- perceptions, she knows what’s expected of her by the world, but she really rejects the idea that she has to stay in her role. still, she has internalized a lot of these expectations and tries to perform them, even when she sometimes struggles. beyond herself, she’s very certain about what she knows is wrong and has a strong moral code, she sees something wrong and she wants to fix it.

- she’s awful in school, not because she’s not smart, but she’s smart in ways that society does not appreciate. she doesnt care at all about all the worksheets and math she’s never gonna use, and all the history that got distorted, she’s much better at learning stuff on her own and she will go on deep dives of subjects she cares about and is super knowledgeable abt them.

also:

[ID: A cropped screenshot of Sokka with his arms extended outwards, palms flat as he gestures. He has a slight grin on his face with his mouth open to speak, eyebrows raised and looking at the viewer calmly. He’s wearing his usual blue tunic with the Earth Rumble XI belt along with his earth kingdom bag hanging across his chest. The text on the image says, “This post made by ADHD Sokka gang. End ID.]

[ID: a cropped screenshot of Hakoda, he has a serious expression on his face as he looks ahead. The text on the post reads, “This post made by ADHD Hakoda gang.” End ID.]

from this post (part of what inspired me to write these out) @meteor-sword​ now just katara needs one 😄

adhd aang next, i will finally live up to my url (will edit with a link when i post)

[behappybeusefulbekind]

Okay, so from the perspective of a doctor who has done chronic fatigue clinics here’s some background and advice. Sorry if any of this is obvious or patronising.

Whenever you visit a doctor (in this context for first visit usually a GP / family doctor) and they’re trying to find out what’s happening with you they will be listening, and asking questions and examining you to try and put your issue into one of these classes (mostly, lets face it life is complicated and an issue can have multiple causes so could be all of these things)

Is this something imminently life threatening?

Is this something common and easily fixed / addressed?

Is this something rare or unusual I need to refer to a specialist for?

Is this something that is a problem but not one that can be easily medically fixed?

So when you’re seeing a doctor for fatigue what they’re probably thinking is:

Is this cancer?

Is this hypothyroidism/diabetes/anaemia?

Is this obstructive sleep apnoea/kidney disease/liver disease/some chronic infection/autoimmune disease?

Are you drinking too much caffeine because you’re tired then not sleeping properly? Are you too stressed to sleep? Are you too ADHD to sleep? Is this post viral fatigue syndrome or long covid or chronic fatigue?

So first thing they’ll do is ask a load of questions some of which may seem unrelated (black poos sign of internal bleeding, menstrual period frequency as lots of young people with uteruses can be anaemic from this, weight loss as sign of chronic inflammation). Snoring and neck circumference are very useful for sleep apnoea. Some of the questions may be insulting or obvious but we have to ask them as it’s amazing the amount of people who will drink a load of caffeine and swear it doesn’t affect their sleep but get benefit if they switch to decaf.

They might also ask about risk factors - things not directly related to your issue but do increase the chances of certain causes. Do you have a family history of diabetes? Do you go out walking in areas with lots of ticks full of Lyme disease? Are you a shift worker? (really knackers your sleep patterns)

They should examine you for signs and symptoms of anything flagged up on your history - for example signs of hypothyroidism, swollen glands in neck and armpit if possible chronic infection.

They will very likely do blood tests - looking for anaemia, inflammation, diabetes and liver and kidney function.

Then they will give you advice which may sound obvious but they have to address - this is the “Stop drinking caffeine and go to bed on time instead of scrolling tumblr till 1am” part - again, rather patronising but some people genuinely need to hear this. Sleep apnoea is worse if you are overweight so some doctors may ask you to loose weight first but that’s really difficult to do so I don’t and honestly CPAP machines are the best and people spontaneously loose weight after they’ve started CPAP because your whole metabolism changes when you get enough sleep and oxygen funny that.

Then depending on how overworked your GP is they will either organise a follow up appointment or say they’ll call you if there’s anything concerning on the bloods and you should call them in a few weeks if you’re still feeling tired all the time after following their advice.

If you’ve done this a few times, either seeing a different doctor or not it can be helpful to speed things up in a repeat appointment by writing things down (with a copy to leave with them for their documentation). Useful suggestions are:

Sleep diary - at least two weeks worth of what time you went to bed and when you woke up.

If you’re falling asleep during the day write that down too.

If you drink caffeine document when and what type.

Outcome of previous investigations - so if they say “oh we should check you for this” you can point to it and say I was not anaemic or hypothyroid on these dates why do you think that might have changed when symptoms are the same?

It’s often also useful to highlight what you think the problem is so they can either explicitly tell you “No I do not think you have X because Y” Or “Yes, I can see why you might be concerned about X, let’s do Z or refer you to a specialist for more investigations”.

You can also ask to be referred to a specialist! Chronic fatigue clinics have resources to investigate you and specialist counselors to help with symptom management.

Fatigue is one of those things which is so disabling but so difficult to treat. When I worked the fatigue clinic my role was to try and find an underlying medical cause that could be treated. Sometimes I did, mostly diagnosing and treating obstructive sleep apnoea or diabetes. Sometimes my assessment was “of course they’re tired all the time they’re working two jobs and a full time carer for their mum and can’t afford the time or money for making nourishing food and they’re worried about money and the general I-think-there’s-a-word-for-it-in-German depression-from-living-on-a-planet-being-destroyed-by-late-stage-capitalism.

A key thing to remember is even if there’s not an easy medical fix and there are lifestyle factors which can’t be helped there are still coping strategies (practical and psychological) which can be learned and do help. Good luck and please don’t lose hope.

How do you do doctors visits for the same thing? Like I've seen this doctor about my fatigue 5 times overs the last year, each time she orders different tests or suggests another thing to try and then a few months later I go back and it's kind of awkward to be like, yeah well, the fatigue I've had for the last 21 years is still happening... Is that how you're supposed to do it? Do you go back the week after the blood test or wait?

The last time I went was 6 months ago and I THOUGHT she referred me for a sleep study but actually I didn't have a high enough "day time sleepiness" score so I can't be referred.

Anyway I was waiting for a sleep study but that's actually not happening. So I have to just go again and I guess I just say "I'm still fatigued, what now?". Is that what you say? Is there some other way you're supposed to handle this?

I wonder if there's any point in even going because they haven't found anything so far so will they ever, so it's hard to motivate myself especially with having to also deal with the anxiety over what to say.

The "visits" are maximum 15 minutes (but usually less because you feel pressured to be quick) so you don't have much time to say a lot, especially when you have to first recap everything you've already told them and what's already been tried and for them to look up your notes and everything. It's so stressful.