#unless i eat it all on my own
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born to love carrot cake, forced to live in a world where everyone hates carrot cake
#ramblings#shitpost#i really want to make carrot cupcakes#BUT it would mean i would have to eat them all on my own#because my friend who lives nearby doesnt like carrot cake and i dont know anyone else who likes it#so i kinda need to make some sort of muffin/cupcake he likes.#unless i eat it all on my own#which yeah i CAN do that. but also that is not a healthy ammount of carrot cupcakes lol
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I've decided to do myself what the cowards at Aston won't. Behold.
#GAAAAAAHHHH REALLY HAPPY WITH THESE#GRRRRR I WANNA EAT HIM#not to pat myself on my own back too much but god he looks so fucking hot#woof woof woof man why isnt aston fernando miami 2004 redux not real :(((#only exists in art form :) teehee#ty for everyone who voted in my poll for this even if you didnt know it was for this!#apologies for not picking the most voted one. however...i didnt wanna draw it LOL#theres smth sexier to me about him wearing the unbuttoned shirt OKAY#was pretty fun to design the aston version of the shirt! lmk what you think#also small gripe: it sucks ive put all this work in and its probably gonna end up getting less than the poll i spent less than 10 mins on#idc that much abt notes but ugh the fact that lower effort notes tend to do better sucks :(#unless you wanna make this post more popular than the poll- be my guest :)#anyways god i though renault fernando was hot in these outfits and i obv still do but ggrrrrrr old man fernando when i get you#as i said yesterday. if he wont do well on track he might as well do well off track. so here i am. objectifying him#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#2024 miami gp#f1 fanart#formula 1 fanart#catie.art.
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me after attempting to get back into sims and realizing i had a lot more to do than play the game
#hi everyone#I’m going around hugging you all#okay now that we are gathered here today#i will simply acknowledge that i have been gone for a very long time and then also acknowledge that maybe it was for the best#i relied on sims to be my only creative activity even if i tried to write a book at the same time#and also. i prioritized sims over real life responsibilities. that’s just a deadly combination lol#but I recently noticed I just replaced sims with Netflix. with YouTube. with anything that gave me quick dopamine#literally became addicted in a sense. still am but I’ve been cut cold turkey from most everything#I get off work and go. okay I’ve done the dishes and the laundry……..I could read or write or bake….#I try to write and sometimes i get a good hour#then I read for a few hours and then get tired of it#and I made cookies Tuesday so I’m waiting for those to be gone before baking again#I’m just so pitiful that I feel BORED and don’t know what to do#so I said….. okay what if I do sims for an hour.#I downloaded some new cc Tuesday and tried to play yesterday#y’all ……………….. I can’t find the energy anymore to set up elaborate scenes and pose my sims and plan posts#I said wow… this is boring without my intervention and fake story#I said wow…….. all this for what? for tumblr? yes I created cool things and provided joy. but is that inherintly important compared to my#own joy? my own everyday activities I should be doing?#y’all I do not leave the house unless we got out to eat or shop or travel to our parents#.. I have little desire to. I’m trying to find that desire#but my husband is busy with grad school and work and I don’t want to do anything by myself#I’ve found myself in one heck of a slump#I didn’t want to be human for awhile. just had no desires no interests no ambitions#I was slacking off SO HARD at work. I just had no drive to do well#I’m still working on it. I’m still trying to get caught up. I’m still trying to force myself to move every day.#but I am struggling y’all. and I can tell you that sims… sims isn’t helping rn but I want it to so bad. I want to get back into it#I didn’t mean to disappear on everyone. I got married and then life got busy and then I fell into this hole of nothing#I didn’t even WANT to crawl my way out. but my husband has helped a lot. I feel like such a child!!!!#I reached max tags. 🙃 bye love you all. till next time
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Wait, but what is it about wally in the human au that makes him so weird?? Is it just an ableism thing or does he have like strange habits/interests
mmmm it's a bit of both kinda? more so the latter honestly! i mean by social norms & standards he's already a quirky guy, and i think he'd have a plethora of 'odd' mannerisms & habits on top of that. so yes, he's genuinely strange, but it's up to others to view/treat that as a negative or a positive or a neutral yk yk
#personally im standing off to the side sighing wistfully#wishing i could live my life so unbothered by how the world views me. oh to live your most genuine self without fear or compromise....#like for example i gotta stick with the apple theme. he fucking Loves those things. he'll talk for hours about them#like in his & barn's kitchen there is an Apple Basket for him to gaze upon or pick out an apple to admire or paint#and he gets distressed whenever he views someone eating an apple or cutting one up cause to him they're Not Food & he loves them yk?#and of course there's the intense unbreaking eye contact with literally everyone#unless he's explicitly asked 'dont look me in the eye' he Will Stare Into Your Soul#and if asked he'll Remember & will literally never make eye contact with that person again. he'd rather close his eyes completely#& in this au he's still Constantly Smiling & honestly is very hard to ruffle to the point of it being slightly unnerving#he goes through a haunted house with his friends and has them all cowering behind him as he strolls through casual as anything#rambles from the bog#wh modern human au#i could go on! he's just... yk! he's Him! without compromise! he takes norms & expectations and crumples them up!#he looks at them and says 'wow! this is worthless!'#and keeps doing his own thing
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if i had a more fem face it would be over for all yall 🙄
#and if my hair worked the way i wanted it to#blaming >t on my aunts hair products tho fur real#and if i had less acne but thats my own fault cause i stopped eating and drinking water as much while also stopping my face routine. so !!!#hashtag in the slumps#im ok tho i just need 2 scream to the void rq so im not stuck on the thoughts for 4vr#i think i need to cut everyone out of my life except for my favs and close friends#close friends r ppl i talk to on a semiregular basis and i AODRE them all theyre my sillies fr#my favs love me i love them 😋🫶#i keep wishign at angel numbers to find a lover#anyway#nvm i dont feel like ranting i just feel like being dramatic teehee#i need to rip my skin apart and get rid of my acne from the inside and also end my life#sorry Mynails are just unpainted 😋#i need to get back and redo my acne shit i look so fugly im ending my life#forehead pimples my beloathed i hate anything bringing atttention to my eyebrow nose area cause i always look. way more masc#like good for eric but i just want to be a cute fem like please#post#mae mention#ohmy godd i havent been able to properly hold down food without having to fight tthe urge to vomit like all rhe tiem i need to stop eating#like. forever. survivng on Gatorade alone#godbless my little sister she loves eating so i just keep giving her my meat i hate chicken#unless it s a specific way#i was eating roti last night and had to like Notcry cause it was so not what i l iked but its ok yall#ok doen i hate food and ppl except for favs & cfs for realz
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i really love your musings on baron! especially the way they're like. The consequences, almost? The monkey's paw? The immutable gap in between Riz and what society wants from him? do you plan to push those boundary-breaking aspects more in your class swap au? how?
you guys are giving me the wrong kinda credits if you think I plan out Anything for these stories lol. I'm havin fun enjoyin! this is not my day job and I will never start treating it as such.
but there is something here though about like, how I as a guy in my room drawing for fun approach these things vs. what canon is, and what I get to do that the d20 team don't. it's evident with class swap baron specifically - which means I'm not gonna ease up on the horror part of it whenever I draw or write or whatever for them, because honestly that's the part that's the most fun for me. so (taps the blog description) if evil and scary things start showing up more in my art you bet ur bippy it's intended babeyy
#not art#the question of how is like. antithesis to my (coughs directly into the mic) methods#like. I'll show u lol. eventually! I'm not gonna say it in an ask. who am I a bad magician?#the ''how'' has to come After the things are made. otherwise what proof do I have that anything exists at all ykwim#but yeah. this is also a cue to say that unless I'm the one saying it in my own words don't take other people's comments on my posts as#my ''official'' stance on anything. that's theirs! we're just talking#and in that similar vein if u don't enjoy how I work with an idea anymore feel free to steal that shit I don't care it's sandbox#do it ur style! don't even have to credit me I don't own ideas. don't be burdened by associating with me we are strangers#well! off I fuck to make dinner now. hope u eat well also
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me and the generic extra strong Tylenol and the pure rage in my system
#Every once in a while I think. It’s not too bad home. I’m over dramatic. It’s not bad and it won’t be bad when I go home and never been bad#Then actually think and remember#I shouldn’t have been hit as a small child. I thank god that my parents stopped that with me.#But also. I should have been taken seriously when I went To them with concerns and shouldn’t have been brushed off.#But also to be a 14 something year old and to realize your parents aren’t in love is a crushing feeling#Since that must have been when. 13-14. Appa passed. Pandemic times. I’m sure my father. Since this would have been the last time I saw Appa#We went down to visit. Dad didn’t go he had work. He sent us off. I remember sitting in the passenger seat by mom in driver#Dad praying for our safe travel and for him going in for a kiss and the moment of hesitation and unwant from my mother#And the awkward silence and the way everything seemed to just shift to the side#That was summer of 2019. My first time realizing my parents weren’t both in love happened when I was 13-14.#I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.#And going to college has me feeling so guilty. Like I fucking ditched my siblings? The kids I raised as a child myself?#(I had to go. I don’t know if my scholarship would have held I don’t know if my financial aid would have held. I couldn’t have waited. )#(I would have likely done something bad to myself. Genuinely. If I weren’t able to be here. If I had to stay. I wouldn’t survive that.)#my siblings are fine. They have no responsibilities. My sister is manipulative. They will manage. They want me to get the education I need#They aren’t going to have to use their own college money to pay to be able to eat because the parents won’t feed them for the summer#I went into college with at least a couple hundred less than I should have. Because I had to parent. I had to feed my siblings.#And I had to pay to fill the gas tank on my father’s gas eater truck. We couldn’t be home because of the selling home situation.#I had to do something to get us out and to feed us but I didn’t get paid back for anywhere near all of it#I don’t regret it. But a kid shouldn’t have to pay for them and their siblings to live.#But then I remember the dread I have for returning ‘home’ for the breaks. I don’t know what I’m going to do.#If I can’t work all of the breaks then I either won’t be able to pay next semester#Or I’ll have almost no money in savings. Like nothing to my name. Can’t buy gas. Can’t do anything. Can’t buy food.#Unless the next scholarship stuff I’m doing pulls through. But I’m willing to work the whole break just to get away from either house.#I want to violently shake my parents and get them to comprehend#Father you have dropped 260$ into my bank account in the last two weeks. Why could this not be earlier in the semester.#Why couldn’t that be in the time and fashion you FUCKING PROMISED for helping me pay my schooling?#You have money to spare. Stupid. Why couldn’t you help like you promised.#Mom you fucker. I get that you are kinda with a new man now. But you’re leading yourself into a relationship with a man you said yourself#You don’t want to date because he wants to move away with his sister and because he hates it here
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i think all humans are capable of creating and do create even when they don’t realize they are, in various frequencies, forms, and across different mediums or aspects of life, but i truly believe there are some people who were made to create first and foremost and everything else comes second. i don’t know what the percentage is and i don’t know how many were taught to put it on the back burner because “that’s not how life or society works”, but it’s always sad to see the general public, especially those in charge, unwilling to give support to their creatives and help them flourish. it’d be a boon for everyone in the end, we all partake in art to be entertained or soothed or healed :(
#throughout my school years art was always seen as a childish subject and was never part of education#when it was it was treated as wasted time unless you were hoping to become an architect#and even then it was never as important as those who went for the humanities or STEM#ever since i started interacting with creators who are in it professionally i realized that we've all had the same experience#no matter what part of the world we grew up in#and if you want to find a way to eat as a creator you need to hustle 24/7 and make others support your work or you're homeless#no support from the governments no real way to even attempt to make it unless you're fortunate enough to afford the necessities#while you're hoping luck will be on your side and others who may be struggling themselves manage to support your work#i often feel selfish for having these thoughts and i know i'm not alone in this#there's no creator who doesn't have their own self doubt in the back of their mind constantly reminding them#if they'd chosen a more convenient profession this wouldn't be a problem#thus you and your art in itself are what's wrong here#if everyone who created had followed that voice we'd have no books or films or songs or plays or video games or or or or#much love to all of you
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Idk why I'm thinking ab this today but you know what really fucking bothers me? When people foster dogs and give them table food. Maybe their new owners don't want them wating table food? Maybe they don't want their dog to beg for food?
You're just being a dick bc "ohh but he likes it!!" But that's not your dog... Like sure maybe their new home won't mind that and will think it's cute but to me that feels like giving a toddler pepsi every day bc "they like it!" And then being shocked that their prospective new family DON'T want them drinking pepsi (at least as a child).
You're just loading them up on this dopamine rewarding habit and then they're not gonna understand why their new family DON'T let them have the yummy food when the LAST person did! Oh I must have to beg MORE.
And you're like pre-loading them with bad behavior 😑 I just I dont get it
#marquilla#idk i think what brought this up was bc DogCousin had said yesterday she ordered a burger and tacos and my mom was like wow thats a lot#and she goes 'well half is for the dogs.' like mind you she is always fostering at least 2 dogs at a time. and has 3 overweight chihuahuas#every fucking meal she gives them half. it's so fucking gross to me... like yeah we give the cats table food SOMETIMES but it's usually only#chicken/Turkey in small bits at holidays or tiny bits of ham. we used to give our one cat small bits of bread when we made stuffing#but they were never rewarded for begging they always had to WAIT. and like everything was always non-harmful to cats#she'll give them shit made with onions and garlic but oh it's fine!! its such a tiny amount!!#and when we got our last dog when we went to pick him up his Foster was giving him like a whole roast beef sandwich!#bitch!!! i dont want him eating that shit?? now he's gonna fucking beg! and he was a husky and my God did he beg it was insane#idk i mean if you wanna kill your own dogs faster by feeding them people food all the time i cant make you stop#but for the love of fucking god stop giving foster dogs/dogs that arent yours people food unless the owners say its fine!!
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#on this random monday evening I'm feeling salty how growing up in my family any touches were strongly discouraged#and although I was and am loved by my family members#hugs were only for special occasions like bday or xmas and that's it. very short and impersonal#I grew up understanding that no one would want to touch me unless required by social norms#we would eat at the same table as a family also only twice per year for xmas and easters#even birthdays were “here's your slice of cake take it and go play”#affection was through service and food and care but hugs are so nice why would anyone hate hugs from a child ;-;#I don't think I ever heard and actual “I love you” from my parents either#and I tried to say ilys myself instead but it so visibly makes them uncomfy it's not even funny#too bad I'll never have my own kids to break this dumb tradition#but anyway guys tell your loved ones they're loved#it's better to say it more often than not at all#(also even my cat doesn't like to cuddle 🥲 what sort of military family is this eh)
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bit saddening that my last "proper" omori piece got more notes than most of my fic's pieces did, likely because it's an animated sprite. i'm not upset, nor surprised, just kinda..disappointed.
#wow certain fandoms love eating things up so long as they're past a certain point in terms of quality#smaller artists? less than stellar artists? fuck 'em!#this one sure loves to eat up AUs so long as they're bland and have no story to go with them#unless you're an uber-popular artist with a huge following. then they'll eat your shit up anyways#fuck all that. i'm just gonna sit here with my ocs and do my own shit. i'm not gonna try pleasing followers who don't care for what i like#misty says things#i'm drawing for myself and if you don't like that then you can eat my shorts
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ok i think the lactose intolerance is real bc the airport iced chai i had like 2 hours ago is kicking my entire ass rn
#realized i forgot to ask for oat milk after the drink was in my hand#my face is even a lil red & blotchy rn l o l#& all i have with me is pepto bismol; my water bottle; & the knowledge that i get to sleep in my own bed tonight#all i’ve had since waking up is the iced chai & a ham & swiss croissant (more dairy i know but i needed to eat so it was dairy or egg)#& like some gatorade to take my meds with#so unless it’s some bizarre thing with ham it’s likely the dairy
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guess who didnt realize/forgot others could see their profile on roommate websites and got messaged by someone asking if i was still looking for a room when i dont actually plan on moving until much later this year 🙃
#multiple reasons i cant move sooner: health insurance. phone. not enough money to sustain myself yet#i did check anyway tho and the apartment offered was. a LONG 2 bus rides away from campus & my work#so even if i was looking. itd have very likely been a no just for that unfortunately (im hoping to cut down on commute time not increase it)#i did feel a lil bad tho and IMMEDIATELY paused my account 😅#i only created them bc i was getting a feel for how those sites worked more than anything#and also seeing if i could find someplace cheaper than $850/month since thats all my sib found and#that is an entire month worth of paychecks#i do not plan on spending that much on rent alone. i need to eat AND id like to still have something for things i enjoy#anywho i wished her luck but uh yeah im gonna have to tinker a bit more. see whats there to hide my profiles for now#or maybe just openly tell people like 'i actually cant move until much later this year ive only just been familiarizing myself w these sites#so unless you can wait that long...' bc i dont wanna waste people's time nor my own yknow?#anywho#amber's shit you can ignore
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So I finally defeated the monster horde at Fort Hateno (how many times did I die? Hahaha not relevant...) clearing up the road so I could FINALLY go visit Hateno
First thing I did was check to make sure my house was still there ofc! And.....
Zelda's journal??? 👀👀👀👀👀
Oh my God..... they were roommates...
#everyone saying he just gave her the house nope sorry i can't hear you <3#entries in the journal mention how he 'never leaves her side'#and WHY would she hide her secret present for him in the Castle#instead of hiding it somewhere in her own house???#unless of course... he'd find it in the house bc he ALSO is still living there 👀#you can pry implicit Zelink cohabitation from my cold 👏 dead 👏 hands 👏#feeling completely normal about this <3#i'm eating my own fist#tears of the kingdom#legend of zelda#botw#totk#loz totk#totk spoilers#zelink#also: even if he DID just give her the house that's still achingly romantic???#it's zelink implications all the way down babey <3
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writing poetry sometimes feels like you gotta cut yourself open to express it idk smear all your organs all over the page and hope somebody else reads something beautiful. is that like divination the way it's expressed in various places and things? I dunno. poetry never slides off your skin like water off a duck's back. it's from within I think. sometimes you have to tear yourself apart to get at the words and sometimes it just wells up from within and gushes out. always from somewhere deep inside. sometimes it's difficult and horrible and painful but the alternative would be worse. sometimes it's from sheer joy that must overflow into words. I think that's beautiful personally. skin splitting from joy. it happens, I think, to us all at some point. or maybe I'm just a creature of extremes. maybe that online test I did because a friend recommended it is true. it said my symptoms were high. I don't know. maybe it is true, maybe it's not. I read a book once where there was a character named Nathan Hill-and-Dale, and while I'm not nearly as extreme as he was portrayed, in my extremes, I know I'm a fairly volatile person. funny, for most people who see me IRL seem to think that I'm fairly calm. nope, I'm a volcano. watch out, even when I'm apparently calm I might blow up one way or the other. one of my residents' family members said today that I was young and bubbly and she was glad to see it because happiness is the prerogative of the young. a part of me wished I told her. I have actively tried to kill myself once; I have come extremely close to the same actions countless times including yesterday; I would sooner hurt myself than others; if I had my own choice I would simply starve. of course I didn't tell her. sometimes I think I'll never get better. at this point I would consider it a very high chance that I will either die by suicide or end up in hospital following an attempt. not now, of course. but despite my fierce love for my course it has stress associated with it and I think that it's very likely that no psych help on earth would fix my mental health enough for that not to be an option mentally in this short time. I think it's possible to recover from all of the things I struggle with. God help me, I hope it is. the real question is whether I will survive long enough to recover from them. and the answer? I know not. I was reminded of a past interaction with the boy today, where he called my name - I turned - his grandfather, a photographer, was waiting to see if he could get a decent photo, for we were at a church conference and he was trying to get photos everywhere. they were laughing. I could not help but laugh. that memory is tainted now, for he would not look at me now, let alone try to pull such a stunt again. I don't blame him. I don't blame anyone for it. I wonder what would happen if I blocked all my friends on discord; who would seek me out? part of me hopes people would, another part hopes they would not. sometimes I just want to be left alone to curl up and die. it would be easier. so much easier than living, and living, and living. I tried writing poetry just now. it felt like trying to cut myself open, I couldn't get the words out. it only made me feel rather wild. I'm desperate for change, for something. something. what is that something? I don't know. did you know I'm a sadist? I would not in a public place express the thoughts that led me to that conclusion. but I am. I wish I wasn't. there's an obvious solution to that. quick, and easy. so easy. too easy. I tried writing poetry, and then instead of writing anything coherent, I wrote this.
#tw suicide#tw suicidal ideation#tw sh#personal#puddleglum hours#tried writing poetry and the very act of trying made me desperately want to harm. i think i'll break my streak today. all the things have#been so bad today. not so much the individual things as they all stack up together. almost the worst most constant dysphoria ive ever#experienced. coincided with eating new stuff which was scary. weighed myself yesterday on dad's recommendation and found out i *believed*#id gained like more than double what i *did*. feel so disgustingly fat and heavy tho why can't i just stop eating. why is everyone#prolonging my existence. serious question. this includes myself. whats the good. im tired but not. and oh so disgusted with myself.#weak. stupid. failing. only a fool talks like this. oh but don't worry im safe. safe enough anyhow. oh look nothing's real that explains#something. but i am safe. aint me as gonna commit suicide today. don't worry about me. im ignorin my friend who's worried about me bc she#has her own struggles. im not gonna ad to them at this point. selfish enough i am already. ive been choking on disgust all day even through#my jubilation over reaching a fourteen day streak. funny i literally don't care now. gonna break it. unless i'm too coward to do otherwise.#i ought. i ought to do other things too. i don't know how long i can keep on going like this. pray for me.
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#personal#soo ive discovered a giant hole in my back tooth because medicare doesnt cover dental except for children#and so i havent been since i was 21 and i try to maintain tooth health at home but im not very good at it#due to being raised wrong about it and also autistic and i cant afford even a basic clean and checkup#which is what i was actually looking in my mouth and deciding i need which would be about 300 bucks already#and now im scared to eat anything because i definitely cant afford to make this worse 🙃#genuinely so much bad shit has happened and every time its like. ok ill pick myself up cause no one else will and dust off and things#will be fine in the end they always are and my heart believes this will be fine too but i dont remember the last time i was#this genuinely legitimately scared. im so scared and i dont know what to do#i know the next steps is to call dentists in my area tomorrow and check if they do medicare but i feel i already know the answer#idk if its better to have looked or to not and be able to live my life but its food time and i cant make myself eat#im scared to make it worse im scared of the pain that might cause im scared of the upward 2k damage costs if it gets worse#fuck#fucking fuck#okok panick attack over i have a two step plan: part one call around tomorrow and see if anyone takes medicare#part two: i have pliars and towels and painkillers and a lot of conviction in both my diy skills and my caring for my own wounds skills#in the mean time just be more dilligent to brush immediately after eating and ill grab mouthwash too as soon as i can as im currently out#i have a family friend whos a vet maybe theyve ripped out a rotted dogs tooth or two before and could help. but ill cross that bridge#when i get to it fir neow i should check with real dentists before making assumptions. and eat because ive been crying and shaking#and was already hungry and now am exhausted. from the aforementioned shaking and crying and need to eat even more#in all cases. dentist on medicare being the best obviously but in all cases im gonna ask to keep my tooth. unless i do it i dont need to ask#but i forgot when i had my wisdoms out a a few years ago. holy fuck that was like a decade ago actually wtf#ima make a necklace out of it since its just the one and not a pair#and just like that things will be fine. as expected as they always are once the panick mode is done im ok i have a plan and im good
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