#unlearning shame

[i-want-a-bagel]

Hi yes you should read Dr. Devon Price's new book Unlearning Shame when it comes out in February.

I put a long review on goodreads but basically what Tumblr will care about is:

we are all victims of a system that is built around shaming us for needing help and not being perfectly self sufficient (and not fitting into the norm) and the only way to change things is to stop shaming individuals for their "failings" and recognize that we're all just creatures and experience and promote acceptance of yourself and forgiveness of others

(i am REALLY summarizing please read Price's actual words he is much better than this one paragraph at explaining this and leading the reader nicely to unlearning shame of your own and the shame you project on others)

[wabbles-art-folder]

DO YOU EVER JUST GET A HYPERFIXATION SO BAD THAT YOU, A PERSON WHO DOESN'T EVEN WRITE FANFICS ON A REGULAR BASIS, WRITE A WHOLE 3-PART FANFIC AFTER ONLY 2 MONTHS OF ENJOYING IT? WELL GUESS WHAT, I DID

Word count: 2560

=========================

Rain. Jewel hated rain. She hated how it had ruined so many events by simply existing. She hated how it made the ground muddy even after it had gone. Most of all, she hated standing in it, ruining her delicately-done makeup and hair. Unfortunately, she ended up in exactly that circumstance.

It had started out innocently enough. She had gone out to an afternoon picnic in the forest with some of her friends. A few gray clouds had rolled in, but it didn’t seem like anything to worry about. Then, very quickly, the clouds darkened, and the rain began pouring in hard and fast. In the midst of the scramble back home, she had gotten completely separated from the rest of the group. She was now alone, rushing through the thickets and getting mud all over her shoes. She winced with every step, but kept going in hopes that an exit would soon appear. Eventually, she could make out a path through the trees, which she got on immediately and followed out towards the main path. 

In spite of being literally out of the woods, she was metaphorically running straight into them, as she no longer had the lush summer leaves to cover her. The rain beat down on her hard, and she struggled to see through it as she dashed along the stone-paved trail. Jewel was panicking now, unable to find the way back home. Having run for some time, she realized she had gone the complete opposite direction. She stopped briefly to process her mistake, scolding herself in the pouring rain. She then turned around and ran back, her movement more shaky and frantic.

Jewel had almost made it back to where she started on the path when she spotted a figure up ahead, standing in the rain with an umbrella over their head. She got a little further and began to make out their features through the haze of the rainfall: Their twin hair buns, their messy clothes, their dark complexion…

Storm E. Skies!? What on earth was she doing here? Jewel had made sure she was out of town for all the ruckus she caused, and now here she was, standing in practically the center of town! “The nerve!”, Jewel thought. As she approached the trespasser, Storm E. turned towards her, a look of concern spreading across her usually neutral face.

“Gee, you’re soaked!” Storm E. exclaimed. Jewel slowed as she approached, clearly exhausted from all the running. “Here, take my umbrella.”

Storm E. stretched out her umbrella-filled hand towards Jewel, exposing herself to the rain. She flinched a bit, but didn’t seem to mind getting wet. By this point, Jewel had stopped dead in her tracks. She had prepared a dozen different questions and a dozen more retorts, but all of it evaporated from her mouth in mere moments. Storm E. had decided to share her umbrella with Jewel. To any other denizen of Lalaloopsyland, this wasn’t at all out of the ordinary; sharing was so commonplace that it wasn’t even something that they thought much about, and it was more of an automatic response. To Jewel, however, this was anything but ordinary. She had rarely shared anything in her life; on the contrary, she outright despised the act. Now, Storm E. Skies, a person she thought of as anything but good, and in all ways below herself, was doing the one basic decency she couldn’t do.

Her breathing got heavier. She began to feel a deep pain in her stomach, alongside a mix of anger, sadness, disbelief, and denial. Tears welled in her eyes as deep, dark thoughts began to flood her mind until nothing else could be heard or thought. She was nothing but a selfish brat. Oh sure, she’d come to realize the errors of her ways once in a while, but she always went back to being Mrs. Perfectly Perfect, didn’t she? Everything she’d ever done was in service of herself and never the people around her. She was a bad friend. She was always a bad friend.

“Jewel!”

At once, the thoughts receded like a sea going to low tide: They were still present, but they were out of the way. She noticed she was shivering, her hands held tightly in one another. She could feel tears running down her face, as well as Storm E’s hand on her shoulder. She turned to face her, and saw her expression had gone from light concern to deep worry.

“Let me take you to my van. It’s really close by. We can wait out the storm and I can get you dried up. It’ll be quick, I promise.”

“...I..I..” Jewel stammered in response. She didn’t know what to say. She felt more tears welling up in her eyes.

“C’mon.”

With some reluctance, but with an ultimate acceptance that there was no better option, Jewel followed Storm E. and began the trot down towards her mobile home.

=========================

Jewel was now standing inside Storm E’s van. She took a moment to look around as Storm E. went to grab something. To her left was a narrow, elevated area containing her bed, which sat above a small section with a bean bag and hammock. She noticed sheets of paper strewn across the floor and the bookshelf that made up the stairs to the bed. It was all very disorganized. To her right was-

“Alright, here’s some towels. I’ll try to find some clean clothes for you to wear for now and change myself. Just sit tight over there, and I’ll be right back.”

-Storm E. Skies. She had motioned towards a large sofa situated in the other half of the van. Jewel wrapped herself in the towels and ambled over to it before plopping herself down onto its cushions. She let out a deep sigh; she felt completely drained. Her face was still covered in dry tears and the few remaining smears of makeup the rain didn’t quite get. A dull ache pounded in the back of her mind, the remnants of the thoughts which had assaulted her before. Even though they weren’t flooding her mind anymore, they still lingered, and she didn’t feel much better than she had before.

As she sat there, she looked towards the rest of the interior with half-open eyes. She noticed more sheets of paper and a whole notepad sitting to her left, no doubt filled with all of those sad song lyrics Storm E. wrote. There was a bookshelf in front of her, and behind her, a cabinet and sink.  In front of that was the cat bed for Storm E’s cat, who was sleeping snuggly inside.  “Man,” she thought, ��I wish that were me.” She briefly considered falling asleep herself, but the thought was quickly interrupted yet again by Storm E. as she opened her bathroom door. She was clad in what Jewel quickly surmised were PJs, consisting of a black tank top with the logo of a band she’d never heard of and striped, silky, purple pants.

“Alright, the bathroom’s yours.” She threw Jewel a pair of slightly oversized clothes.

Jewel was puzzled by her appearance. “Are you really going out in that?” she asked.

Storm E. was also confused, but quickly realized what Jewel meant. “Jewel, I don’t think we can go out in this weather in any condition. Your house is a ways away, and the storm isn’t going to let up until the morning. In fact, if I’m not mistaken, the storm is actually-”

A surge of loud thunder cut her short. Jewel jumped at the sound, while Storm E. merely flinched.

“-getting much worse. Unless you want to get soaked again, I say we hunker down here until it blows over.”

Thoroughly understanding the situation at hand, Jewel skittered off to the bathroom and shut the door.

A night alone with Storm E. was the absolute last thing she wanted right now. Having to simply exist with her, a presently burning reminder of her own failures, would be one thing; to be stuck with her for the next several hours just after the incident would be something else entirely. She took a deep breath and decided to take this moment of isolation slowly; it might be all she had for a while. 

She draped her wet clothes over the side of Storm E’s shower, dried off the rest of the water, and put on the clothes Storm E. gave her. They were a hue of hot pink. The top was lighter, branded with yet another band Jewel was unaware of; she suspected there were many more like it. The bottom was much darker and was covered in roses. Both fit almost perfectly, although the pants were a little baggy on her. Both also smelled deeply of lavender, seemingly freshly washed not too long ago. Jewel couldn’t help but appreciate the effort Storm E. had gone through the trouble of picking out something close to her outfit. How thoughtful.

Thoughtful. Jewel couldn’t think of any time she was that thoughtful for another person. A pain in her gut rose as she exited out into the van. Looking to the left, she saw Storm E. strumming at her guitar, sitting on her bed, and humming softly. While continuing to play, Storm E. looked up to greet Jewel.

“There you are! Lookin’ good.” The compliment was laced with humor.

“Thank you.” Jewel tried keeping face, strutting across the room. “And…thank you for everything.” She began to crack a little, a palpable tinge of sadness forming on her face.

“Still hung up about the rain?”

“Well…not exactly…”

“Are you worried about Cat?”

Jewel thought for a moment, considering her options: She could either concede to Storm E. and herself that she was a failure in every capacity, or try to keep up the chipped front and roll with the punches. Her choice was obvious.

“...Yeah.”

“I’m sure she’ll be fine, Jewel. I’ve seen her and the other pets enough to know that they can tough it out on their own for a while. Don’t worry about it.”

Jewel was comforted by this thought. Truth be told, she had been worrying about Cat, but the issue had been pushed to the back of her mind. This weight she never saw was suddenly lifted from her, and she felt a little bit better.

“How about I play something for you to pass the time and help you cool off?”

“...That would be nice.”

She started playing again, and for once, Jewel was glad that Storm E. didn’t write fast, happy songs. For a moment, she felt free from the weight of her guilt. For once, tonight, she felt good; truly, wholly well and good.

=========================

“Goodnight, Storm E.”

“‘night, Jewel.”

Storm E. had let Jewel use her bed for tonight while she slept on the couch. It wasn’t as cushy or spacious as the one Jewel had at home, but it functioned and was comfortable enough. Jewel was now alone with nothing but the dull pounding of rain, the darkness ahead of her, and her own thoughts. As she slowly straddled the thin veil between sleep and wake, her guilt began to flow in once more. Ifs and buts, hypotheticals upon hypotheticals, and so much more kept her restless. At last, she passed through the bounds of the waking world into her dreams, but she found something far worse on the other side.

She was still lying down, but her eyes were now open. She stared out into a blackened sky, showering rain and lightning without end. She tried moving, but found she could not no matter how hard she tried. Terror and fear gripped her. Then, shadowy figures emerged at the edge of her vision, illuminated by the flashes of lightning. Each figure took the form of someone she knew, their features blurred yet still discernible in the fog of the mindscape. As tears began to well in Jewel’s eyes yet again, she heard the shadows speak in sharp whispers.

“She is a stain on our community.”

“She has caused more pain than I can measure.”

“She is rotten to her core!”

A final shadow emerged on top of her, tall and spindly. It bent down to her, getting as close as it could while remaining just inches away. It proceeded to speak in a voice both gentle and piercing.

“You’re a hypocrite. You push others to conform to your inane standards, but you trample all over them at every given moment. You do not deserve the phony title you created for yourself to justify your fragile ego. You do not deserve this. You deserve nothing.”

At those words, the figure pulled itself up and stomped its foot down on Jewel. Suddenly, there was no ground, and she fell downwards at a staggering pace into an abyss of darkness. There seemed to be no end to the void, as she fell for what seemed like a very long time. Then, without warning, it simply stopped.

Jewel awoke with a jolt, tears running down her face. Looking up, she saw Storm E. had climbed up to the bed, her hands gripped around Jewel’s shoulders. She looked distressed.

“Jewel, are you alr-”

She was cut off mid-sentence as Jewel flung herself into Storm E’s arms, hugging her tightly as if there was nothing else to hold on to. She was in tears, sobbing and panting like she was choking. Stammers began to rush out of her mouth, overtaking the pouring rain and thunder.

“I’m so sorry Storm E, for everything I’ve done, for all the trouble I’ve caused you and everyone else, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please forgive m-”

“Woah, woah, easy there. Just breathe, Jewel, breathe. What’s got you so riled up?”

Jewel took a moment to collect herself. Then, still crying and shivering, she eased herself back and mustered up her response.

“I-I’ve come to realize that I’ve been a horrible person all my life. I’ve done nothing but take and never given to those who I took from. Even you. You’ve given everything to me tonight, and you’ve given so much to this community, but I only ever stamped you out and put you down. I don’t deserve anything I’ve been given.”

“...I’ve been there before.”

“...W-what?”

“When I came here, I may have put up a confident front, but I regretted a lot of what I did later on. It was terrible, Jewel. I felt like I had so little worth. In spite of all of those flaws, though, people saw the person beyond those flaws and made me feel at home. They made me feel like I belonged.”

“B-but I-”

“I didn’t see past yours either. We’ve both made the same mistakes. What’s important now is that we work towards bettering ourselves and helping others now that we understand our flaws. Of course, they won’t go away instantly; it’s taken me a while to shake my bad habits off. Some of them still linger. Change is slow, but we’re always changing. We can’t change what we have done, but we can change what we will do.”

Storm E. leaned in and hugged Jewel, to the latter’s shock.

“Let’s do it together.”

Jewel hugged her back. Suddenly, the rain didn’t seem so bad anymore. Jewel liked the rain.

[joyus-whimsy]

Autism, special interests and Red Dead Redemption 2 (spoiler free)

Towards the end of last year I started properly playing Rdr2. I’ve had the game for years but never really devoted the time to getting into it. Now, I write this before I start the last quest of the epilogue, I’m so engrossed in this game. I feel an intense emotional attachment to Arthur and the game in general. This kind of attachment isn’t something I’ve let myself feel for a while.

I haven’t let myself have special interests because it annoys or weirds out people around me. I used to try and fight it, but I don’t want to anymore. I’ve realised a lot from deconstructing internalised and social ableism, (the countless cringe compilations lined with autistic people being really into something is a prime example.)

I’ve a playlist for Arthur with music that reminds me of him, reminds me of that intense emotional connection. It’s sorta my way of sitting in and feeling how I do instead of trying to have ‘normal’ attachments to things. I used to be (and to a point I still am) scared of this intense ‘obsessive’ feeling, but I miss having special interests. I’ve felt like a shell of myself for a while and depression sorta took over my life for a while.

I see the way my constant talk about rdr2 annoys the people around me, but I don’t know if I care that much anymore. That being said, last year I made a friend that I got along with instantly and they have quickly become my closest friend. They are also neurodivergent and I’m so thankful for them. They honestly inspire me with how much they love their special interests, and I’ve been making sure they know that I don’t find it annoying. I try to get into what they like because I love listening to and sharing people’s passions. But something new happened when I was sending them heaps of stuff about Red Dead, they were genuinely interested. They said they wished they could come and play it with me (it’s summer here and we both have summer jobs so have been unable

I think I’m done putting other peoples comfort above my own, and this is just one example of that. I’m done trying to fit in because I’m inherently different. I’m autistic and I have ADHD and I’m starting to learn how to ask for accommodations and advocate for myself. I’m learning to stop running from and masking my neurodivergence because it has only tired me out. I’m glad and proud that I’m doing this, and I feel like I’m slowly getting myself back.

I’m still scared, but I’m just going to keep going, I’m done running away. Frankly, I’m proud of that.

I’m trying to find people on here that I can talk to about it. People that like this game in the same way I do. So if you check out my blog and like the kinds of things I post or repost, maybe we could start a gc or something?

[peregrinethegryphon]

Unlearning shame is great until you have to do it over and over and over again every time some motherfucker comes along and ruins your day with their no-fun-allowed ass attitude.

[zorosdimples]

sensitive bitch in residence, reporting for duty 🫡

[plague-and-creatures]

One thing that feels freeing is realizing that it's okay to do something that makes you happy after you've been taught to be ashamed of it or that it was wrong for some reason

I ran around on all fours a lot as a kid, and there were plenty of days where I came back with my hands black from the rubber ground on the play ground

My dad did not approve of this. I was yelled at, hit, and told that I was being punished for acting like an animal, and that if I wanted to act like one so badly they would leave me naked in the backyard (they may not have been serious about that last threat, but it still disturbed me to think about and still does to this day). It made me feel like it was something that was wrong and I should be ashamed of, and I never did it again for years

But I want to do it again, I want to run through the woods until I'm breathless, climb trees, and just do something fun. Now that I've stumbled upon quadrobics, I'm realizing that I can do that. I can be free of that shame and judgement and let myself be happy, and it feels so good to come to that realization.

I'm still learning to not care about my father's judgement, and it feels good to care less about whether I'm a disappointment to him or not. Hell, a part of me hopes to be as disappointing to him as possible, because if my unashamed joy is disappointing to him, then he can go fuck himself. A good father should always prioritize their child's happiness over what they think other people will think of them

I am a fatherless creature. I am not tied down by the judgment of an authority in my life. I live for me and not his approval

Even if I wasn't Therian or Otherkin I would still support anyone who is, because no one should ever be made to feel shame for something harmless that brings them joy and contentment in life, and I'd hope they were supported by the people in their life

[gravyhoney]

I’d love to unlearn shame, but godDAMN does this shame have hands.

[spot-of-tea]

So my primary reason for making this blog is to help me unlearn shame. I have felt for a long time a lot of embarrassment when talking about the things I love or sharing the things I create. A lot of this comes down to what I have experienced in the past. However, I want to share what I make and I want to talk about the things I love. Specifically Fairytail, which will always hold a special place in my heart.

I hope that by biting the bullet and just interacting with the wider community like I have been doing will help a great deal. Honestly I'm excited for what this might bring and I hope someone else reads this and decides to do the same, we can all unlearn shame together and embrace the things we enjoy.

[slovo-theshattered-onion]

Poem, title: Shame as Frostbite

They Say,

shame is hot, it burns from inside, sets the room on fire,

They Say,

it's a part of us, cleansing and good.

To Them, It Is Holy.

I Say,

shame comes from our bodies, plunged in the arctic, turning up heat to protect us from frostbite,

I Say, It Mustn't Exist.

I Say, It Is Not Inevitable.

I Say,

we can be free, if only no one would tie us down, drowning among icebergs,

I Say,

there's better warmth out there, better safety, than one born of pain.

It Is Not Your Body that is wrong for hurting in frigid water.

It Is The Asshole Who Dragged You In that is wrong.

shame will stay like a curse, but it can one day be softened to pleasant bashfulness,

and it is Never Your Fault.

[eccedeus]

Most days I just want someone to tell me I don't need to feel guilty for taking a break. I don't need to feel guilty right? I don't

[papyrussemi]

so on the bus ride home there was a person with purple hair who was fidgeting awkwardly so i was offhandedly wondering if they were some sort of addict (we get a lot of those in the city) or just a bit of a weirdo but then near my stop i saw the sticker of Boyfriend and Girlfriend from Friday Night Funkin' on their phone and my train of thought was "They're not just a weirdo, they're one of us weirdos!", followed shortly by "This is a sign from heaven. I must unlearn shame."

[potatoshroom]

''Asking for help itself is an act of aid to others. It helps people feel needed and makes them recognize they’re not alone.''

- Devon Price, ''Unlearning Shame'', p. 155.

[hexalt]

Hallmarks of a shame-based culture vs. an egalitarian culture

— Unlearning Shame, Devon Price

[cassidyreturns]

Coming Home To A Face That Is Mine:

TW: Unlearning Shame/Body Image etc.

I can't believe how much of my life I spent trying to distinctly change the way I looked. My weight, my hairstyle, my haircut, my hair color, my eyebrows, my eyes and lips, my nose, my ears... was there ANYTHING I just let be??? :(

My Body doesn't hold grudges though--it never has.

It welcomes me Home every time.

[seekerwingzcg]

Yup like I have sooo much fanart, but like, it's all a kink I'm shy about and I haven't posted it but gods I'm getting old. There's a chance no one will ever see it.

It might be freeing just to post it and deal with the consequences after. *Big Shrug*

the fact that i still have to unlearn shame… like come on that’s literally the most embarrassing thing to not have unlearned yet