#uni hates me and for that i hate it too
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besties the study is not strong in this one
#got jse's elden ring playthrough in the background#which is helping#but fuck#exam in just over nine hours#gosh i hate morning exams#and all other exams#started revising YESTERDAY#former gifted kid things smh#i miss not having to revise#uni hates me and for that i hate it too#i just want to play minecraft and read my new book and read fanfic and write fanfic and never read anything academic ever again#charles babbage more like charles cabbage am I right#crying
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i listen to fog lake too much
#falls through the ceiling with a mighty crash hello#it's been what...8 months?#I was too busy w uni and being mentally ill#thank u everyone so much for the tags on all prev posts.. i re-read them oaccasionally 💗#they make me v happy thank u for giving me a moment of ur time#that means so much#anyway! vashwood!!#i hate them so much#i want to eat them#i want to ugly cry#i want an ideal world where they could've had something for a little bit#im eating drywall and pacing around the room in a cold sweat#so trimax-atypical overt intimacy it is#more coming...in maybe another year#It's a big project!#to me. yeah#my dream is to be put in a terrarium for a while#if only u knew how many wips I have w vashwood..#maybe i'll get tired and pile them into one post all unfinished and no less ok for it yk#whatever u r doing doesn't need to be perfect to make someone happy#didn't u experience a positive little zap from my imperfect colored doodle rn?#what a speedrun of a drawing that was#(<spent 10h on it. that's the minimum for anything ever)#hope today is treating you well! so long stranger!#vashwood#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trimax#trigun#tzarrz
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Jane Doe's backup dancing skills <3
#have i perchance mentioned she's my fave#she's just. so autism. i love her.#me after watching stop making sense 🤝 me after watching rtc: i need to move weird more#jane doe#jane doe rtc#rtc jane doe#ride the cyclone#rtc#emily rohm#rtcedit#ridethecycloneedit#ride the cyclone edit#what do people tag these things as jflksdjf#gonna do this for the others too. AT LEAST for ricky cos him at the start of tsia kills me every time#anyway i need to go work on my essay now. hate being at uni they keep making u do work when i just want to autism about this musical :(#rtc edit#lily edits#lily dot tee ex tee
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4 year old drawing
#sparklecare#sparklecare hospital#carruni#uni cornelius#caroline coughs#i drew this!#<- i hate tagging things it's so embarrassing#i drew it in 2020 but didnt post it i don't remember why. maybe i felt it was too spoilery#anyway caroline with siamese markings was big brained of me
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am i out of my mind? yes.
(looking for suggestions to add to this lot)
#ts4#the sims 4#ts4 edit#ts4 gameplay#the sims 4 edit#I AM TIRED OF ONLY HAVING 2 UNIS#SanU is coming soon#CC FREE too#turning san myshuno into nyu#bc us simies deserve a city uni since the sims team hates us#also sojutrait inspired me to get more into world building
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wip. ive banned myself from working on this further until ive got my draft done for my essay so. have this as an incentive for me to want to finish it </3
#i LOVE taller femme shorter masc pairings im ngl. anyone who shrinks angel is a COWARD. i will be exaggerating it to cancel that out. ofc.#huskerdust#i hate drawing wings so much husk u put me thru so much torture.#tried to give him a big bushy tail too but it didn't look right with the wings. smh :/#sorry for all the wips btw <3 i love sketching less so finishing stuff lol. also uni :(
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A HC I hold dear in my heart: Andrew goes to law school remotely during the off-season, so when he retires, he can become the advocate he needed as a kid
#i see him doing something meaningful with all the money he got playing stickball#he for sure paid for aaron's medical degree too#this is not at all inspired by me currently studying with an online uni to get a degree while being a single mum#i highly recommend it#i hated uni the first time I tried it but I love learning remotely#aftg#all for the game#andrew minyard
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i think i officially set my sights on a therapist and i'll be contacting her very soon?? therapy was legitimately not on my 2024 bingo card (or in the cards for me at all) but here we are????
#this blog always had a focus on social science and detangling feelings and experiences. like it's basically been serving as my diary#bc this blog has always been my main outlet for it. i hate talking feelings to anyone irl. it's a bad habit but i hate it#so it was a game changer and helped me grow up sooo much. esp supplemented w other people's experiences.#being raised by a stoic engineer mother who's very much warm but also not very good at feelings at times has caused me to suppress SO much#compounded w being the eldest daughter. like that is a damning sentence in and of itself#tumblr just gave me an outlet for stuff like this. and every social media is essentially a highlight reel of ppl's best moments.#tumblr is the opposite. i've always loved that too whether it was in the form of humor or more earnest posts#could i work through my own issues by myself? yes probably#and my blog will always have that facet even if i get a therapist#but a therapist's input. just a professional's input. will expedite a lot of improvement for me i think#this has been a critical time period for me anyway bc i'm budgeting my whole schedule for once vs being handheld by uni deadlines#and it's just gonna keep getting more and more intense from here bc i'm truly pushing my comfort zone more than ever before#it just feels like the right call even tho i'm lowkey nervous ab it bc i HATE talking feelings in person.#this therapist will not fall for my trying to deflect by asking her about her life. which. usually works on my friends <3#we will see. a therapy arc is coming very soon basically#p
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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thinking about how this is my last year of uni
#hell. fear. pain.#my classes are getting back next week#i do not. want. to. go. back. to. them.#but worse than uni is like. being unemployed#id make a kms joke but its way too real to be funny#okay maybe its a lil funny#very knuckles of me#anyways#classes still arent back but people are already on my ass#i hate being a class rep
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#probably my last sunny walk at home :(#keeeeellll meeeee#i think one of the things i hate about going back to uni is not being able to experience autumn and winter at home like i used to#it’s weird because i’ve always loved them and considered them my favourite seasons.#but last year (and now this year) i’m realizing that oh! i think it’s because i got to come home after a long day and be in a safe familiar#space. and at uni everything is still a bit unfamiliar and not very comforting so the long cold days get so much harder#but i will surviveeeeeee#counting on gilmore girls to get me through it!! and also love is blind s7. i LOVE having things to look forward to every week it makes tim#fly by so fast. last yr every friday night was reserved for me and i ate frozen pizza or takeout and/or my favourite snacks and#watch my comfort films :( i cooked a lot those nights too 2 save money but yeah. it was rlly nice to have that comfy safe time to myself#i think it rlly got me thru uni.#ik it’s gonna be so hard to get back into a routine but im trying to tell myself that i need to like. focus on the basics first. adulting#can be so hard & i wanna do everything at once! i wanna b perfect in all areas. always do my hobbies. etc etc but i#i couldnt even get out of bed to make myself meals sometimes 💔 so i need to like remember if i don’t journal or read a whole book in a day#not the end of the world. and most importantly i need to be EATING and staying active and SLEEPING FIRST and foremost cause then hopefully#i won’t feel like a zombie.#okay anyways.#feeling sad feeling tired feeling unmotivated but also feeling a teensy bit excited for finally BEING ALONE!!!!#i have my cardiologist appt tmrw so maybe that’s why i feel so yuck also. just thinking abt it makes me wanna throw up#i hope everything goes well#anyways bye bye#♡ dear diary…
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goooood afternoon skysword nation
#i just spent waaaay too much money on prints. heh. yeah 😏#little gift for myself bc i hate uni so much [< dangerous thinking path]#honestly just glad im getting cool skysword prints. FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#and an oot one. YAYAYAYYAYAYYAYAYAYAY#aaaand peace and love and joy forever#i also fulfilled my teenage dream of owning slime. it will be mine tomorrow and imm literally so excited abt it i cant think abt it too muc#uhmmm what else#OH i feel a bit less stressed abt uni but. still a lot to do u know how it is#sorry rambling so much but u know me. the yapping yapper#hope u guys are good!!! it is SO the afternoon but if i dont sleep soon i might explode#okay love u guys bye for now mwah#txt
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had to get a new warping board for my loom bc mine broke several months ago and i haven't had the energy or will to fix it (it's a handmade wooden one my late stepdad made for me, so i WILL fix it i have to fix it for sentimental reasons but i just can't right now) so after putting it off for ages i finally bit the bullet and ordered a new one. i hate how expensive this equipment is it's literally just 4 pieces of wood with dowels wym it's $160 kms. whatever i can finally weave again
#there are ways to measure a warp without a board but i hate them#i actually hate warping boards too i prefer warping mills 100 times over but they are like minimum $300. evil#you can use an inkle loom for short warps and the rigid heddle loom i have can work as a warping board#but not when its got a warp and project in progress already on it so its only really useful as a board for itself#i just really dont like methods other than a big warping mill so using anything else feels miserable#i love those big ass ancient warping mills they have at textilmidstod and at my old unis textile studio nobody gets me like they do
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#feeling really lonely lately and idk why#i mean i guess this is what 5 years of complete isolation do to ya lol#but yeah... sometimes it hits me that i don't really have friends (my fault obvs) and i just sit here with no idea how to change that lol#cause i have the curse of being ok while i'm alone and feeling incredibly anxious when i'm with people#so i convince myself that i'm better alone#and i am for the most part#but then 5 years since the last time i met someone that wasn't my mom or my brother go by and i go ''hmm... i don't think this is healthy''#and i spiral into a pit of dispair#like i can't believe that my highschool years when i was an absolute emo ''i hate everybody and everybody hates me'' kind of dude#were healthier than now#because i had online friends whom i talked to for hours about just random shit#and i met incredible people in uni but i haven't talked to them in literally i'm gonna say 5 years?#and the fact that they live 3hs away doesn't help but still#and i fully know I'M the problem#cause i isolate myself and i don't text and i don't hang out when they arrange hang outs#(again being 3hs away. relying on public transport and not feeling comfortable going out at night don't help..)#but also i put waaaayyyy too much pressure on this so that doesn't help at all#and i'm waaaay to awkward and self depricating to even attempt to have a meaningful friendship with anyone...#so i'm left here (by my own actions) alone and sad lol#i might be getting my period btw so maybe that's why i want to die today#but yeah... it's been in my head for a while now and i wanted to get it out so i can move the fuck on#if only i could be a normal person... sigh#angel talks#personal
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behold! a guy!!!
#orinj...#Ardbert#fanart#speedpaint#i draw sometimes#Final Fantasy XIV#squishing him like a stress ball because augh work anxiety#very nice of my workplace to allow me to relive the uni anxiety of trying to find people for group tasks when i don't talk to anyone#except i have to find ppl to write feedback for me. and also forcing me to write feedback too. i hate writing anything so fucking much
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Fuschia/Magenta?
#*deep breath kicks down uni door*#VERN!!! VERNIFRED!!! I GOT A HUGE BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!!!!! YES YOU!!!!#“we're only gonna read 1 chap of Don Quixote because it's too much to dive into.”#THIS COMING FROM THE MAN WHO MADE US READ THE ENTIRETY OF DANTES INFERNO#WHO MADE US WRITE 20 PAGE ESSAYS ON THE ODYSSEY#WHO MADE US FOLLOW HIS CANTERBURY TALES HYPERFIXATION FOR NOT 1 BUT 2 SEMESTERS#DISSECTING EVERY. FUCKING. CHARACTER. ACTION.#MAKING ME RESENT CHAUCER TO WHERE I COULDN'T WATCH A KNIGHTS TALE FOR 3 YEARS STRAIGHT#one of my all time favorite movies btw YOU MADE ME HATE THE THING I LOVED VERNIFRED#and you had the GALL to say the class only had 1 chap to dedicate to Don Quixote?#YOU MY FRIEND JUST DIDN'T WANT THE CLASS TO LOSE THEIR SHIT LAUGHING EVERY OTHER CHAPTER#IF YOU'RE AROUND HUMAN HAPPINESS YOU'RE LIKE A WORM DISCOVERING THE BAIT SECTION AT WALMART#ITS EASY TO READ FOR A CLASSIC HAS WIT IS BITTER SWEET AF IS TRAGIC IS FUN AND MAKES YOU WANT TO HAVE CRAZY MAN BIG DICK ENERGY#WHEN YOU HAVE A FOOT IN THE GRAVE#and the banter...THAT SHIT ROCKS#AND IM NOT JUST SAYING THIS CAUSE OF MY OWN HYPERFIX WITH LUIS AND I'M READING FOR RESEARCH#these stories FUCK#I AM SO MAD#SO SO MAD MY PEERS AND I GOT A TASTE OF SOMETHING THAT WOULD'VE KEPT US ENGAGED#AND I AM MAD THAT I RESENTED THAT CLASS SO MUCH THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO TOUCH THE CLASSICS FOR A WHILE#and that it took me until I'm 31 WRITING A DAMN FANFIC IN MY SPARE TIME TO READ THE ENTIRETY OF WHAT I FUCKING MISSED OUT ON#astarion voice: IT WAS RIGHT THERE!!!!!#vernifred...can i can i call you vern?#look...i love you. you were one of the most humble profs i had i looked forward to going to class every mon and tues for lecture and reading#i get the hyperfixations my guy i really and truly do#BUT I STILL RESENT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU FOR THIS ONE#i finally get why luis loved this shit so much too and im seeing more connections with re4 now and it feels like the cherry on top of it all#vern....just....SIGH....GIVE THE DON A CHANCE MAN#FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN WHO WILL BE IN YOUR CARE#YOU KNOW...YOU JUST...MAKE ME...GRRRHFHFHHDJDJ!!! 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼
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