#undiagnosed because my therapist was like. if i could diagnose you i would say you have generalized anxiety disorder

[homunculus-argument]

I'm very glad to see that your new therapist is working out well for you so far! It makes me think that I probably should find a good one myself, however I don't really know how to go about that. Not locating one, I mean getting into the issues I need to deal with, especially if I don't really know where to begin beyond "I'm emotionally and mentally fucked up and would like to not be". As someone who's seen multiple therapists, even if the others didn't really click for you, do you have any advice about that?

To be honest, not really. It's the same annoying thing as what people say about dating - you just have to keep trying with new ones until you find one that clicks. But not knowing where to begin is a starting point, and that's still progress if you can find a therapist that seems to be helping with trying to start figuring out what the problem is. My first therapist was the best match I could find at the time, with my problem of "I don't know why I'm like this", and she helped me start unwrapping what I even mean by that.

After she helped me through getting diagnosed with ADHD, and the problems caused by being undiagnosed and unmedicated were resolved, I started to feel like she can't help with the ones that remained. I once told her that being in therapy felt like that joke of a man who goes to a therapist on all fours because he thinks he's a dog, and comes out walking upright - he still thinks he's a dog, but the therapist trained him to walk on his hind legs so it doesn't show. She laughed and agreed that this is essentially what therapy is, and that's when I figured that that isn't what I need from therapy.

The second one was the best match I could find at the time - now that I had been trained out of acting insane, it was easier to start untangling what was making me act in unhinged ways in the first place. Going into what I was feeling and what kind of experiences had trained me into having that kind of responses to that kind of situations. That was useful for a while, but after a time I started to feel like she was trying to make me complacent with how I am by reassuring me that there was nothing wrong with me - she tried to validate my feelings by telling me that I'm ok, and I felt invalidated by the way she was denying that there still was something wrong with me, and denying that I'm not ok.

In three years of therapy, I had gained enough clarity about what kind of a problem we're even talking about, that once my last session with my second therapist was done, I looked up a therapist that specialises in one specific problem that I hadn't even been aware of when I started with my first therapist, and which my second therapist reassured me would fix itself on its own once I'm better. Three years of therapy had made me aware enough of my own problems to be able to find a specialist and point a huge crack on the wall, point at it and go "look at that thing. That's not supposed to be there, right?"

And have her go "oh yeah, that's bad. Yikes."

[multitrackdrifting]

As a formerly unmedicated/undiagnosed ADHD haver that managed it for over 20 years before I got diagnosed formally my strategies for overcoming the Executive Dysfunction beast is:

Go to the library if you need to work without distractions, the environment and quiet atmosphere is kind of overpowered because it can make even a very busy mind lock in.

Try to regulate your consumption of caffeine, if you overdo it you might not get the effect of it after a while. Personally, I have always drank a lot of caffeine but I realized caffeiene dosen't even work on me even if I drank a redbull nothing changes and I could drink soda before sleeping and it doesn't do anything to my ability to sleep.

Be careful of habits that are related to dopamine addiction, I play a few live service games and gacha games myself but you should try to recognise patterns of behaviour and how they impact your ability to focus. I personally get more of the sit there and do nothing kind of ADHD, so this doesn't really apply to me but a lot of my friends have had to kick a lot of games out of their life because of how it made their ADHD worse.

Put it in a spreadsheet, this is the nerd in me speaking but I think it's easier to regulate your behaviour if you make an acountability chart of sorts. Put each half hour into a table and then put stuff you want to do into it. It's a planner but way more involved. If you don't like using excel or something just get a journal and keep it with your stuff in a backpack or whatever bag you carry with you. Some people tell me having a smart watch has helped them since it will vibrate on their wrist to hit key times they need to do stuff.

Find an accountability partner, this one is a lot harder than most but if you have a friend that has similar or related struggles wtih personal development it can be pretty difficult to hold yourself acountable for the things that you do each day. It doesn't make you a terrible person to be unproductive, but that doesn't mean it's healthy to let certain habits turn absorb our time to a debilitating degree. Today it's an afternoon wasted watching anime, tomorrow it's a power bill you forgot to pay off and you're freezing in the midst of winter with surcharges and late fees. Having another person to catch up with that isn't necessarily a therapist can be quite helpful, just remember to establish boundaries and not like overdo it.

Seeking help, not everyone is privileged enough to seek professional help or even find professionals who are sensitive to their needs and circumstances. It's different cause seeing a doctor is free in Australia, but if you have a primary care practitioner or GP you can request specialists that have certain experiences like whether its dealing with your cultural background or specific needs. Even if they cannot, it would not hurt to ask. It's not going to work for everyone, but for me, who was "just managing" for over 20 years, I had to suck it up and force myself to go through the process and I cannot state how stark the differnece is between me before and after. I hope you can find something that helps you.

Find a way to push the information you need to the top of your mental stack, this is gonna sound straight up deranged but I have like an innervoice, not like a person I talk to or that talks to me, but I process like an intense doomsday kind of scenario that essentially just says to me "hey man, if you relax right now, you're going to let your habits slip, and you're going to start regressing". It doesn't work for everyone and that's fine, I can only have that kind of internal pressure because I use it to drive myself and it doesn't have any auxiliary effect on making me feel like shit or something. The actual reason it works is because it's pushing my priority "tasks" to the top of my mental stack so I can then decide how to process them in a timely or actionable manner. Do not conceive of some doomsday scenario like me, that only works because it doesn't make me panic LOL - find a way to hold yourself accountable and confront pressing deadlines in a healthy way and it will definitely help you become more regimented. The best thing my psychiatrist has ever said to me when he asked how I keep my habits healthy I just said I go to the gym and I have a job, and he was like "those are just things that you do, you can still have unhealthy habits unrelated to those things in your off time" and I was like damn he is cooking. He is right though, my personal habits can be pretty bad, so that's why I try to ensure I don't numb my mind on the weekends. This feeds back into the spreadsheet thing because if you track your time usage it's easier to see what habits are statistically likely to destroy your ability to be productive in ways that you want to apply yourself whether it's your hobbies or something way more punishing like entrance/certification exams.

[wri0thesley]

I am so sorry if this is invasive and weird, but may I ask what you work as? I'm at the stage where I have to build my future and I know you don't have an age specified but you seem to be doing really well (at least from the posts we've seen, again I really hope not to be invasive) for yourself and your partner and 25+ is still young! Again, I hope this isn't mean or weird, I'm just curious. (and severely nervous. First year of college is ruining me harder than any fictional man.)

ahh anon i'm afraid that the answer is probably not what you're looking for!

for the record, i am 27, i just find getting fandom older a little scary, especially having it listed right there!!!

i actually intended to be a performer and a singing teacher (my degree was going to be in music & musical theatre); unfortunately, due to a plethora of reasons (mostly my undiagnosed autism, unmedicated ocd/depression/anxiety combo, a nervous breakdown and my partner's physical health declining) i dropped out of my degree before the end of my first semester.

for about three years or so after that i was severely agoraphobic. talking 'can't answer the door' agoraphobic; 'never left the house alone, and even when with someone only went to the doctors and therapy' agoraphobic, 'rotted in my bedroom in an absolutely non romanticised way' agoraphobic. i was on the equivalent of disability because i literally could not function. meanwhile, my partner, who lived with me and my parents was getting physically worse whilst i was mentally struggling (since then haz has been diagnosed with ehlers danlos syndrome, fibromyalgia, lipoedema, thyroid issues and a lot of other things; they have a lot going on). i DID access several therapies, had . . . a couple of very bad relapses, went under crisis teams and all of that stuff (i had occupational therapy too which was HONESTLY i think one of the most useful things and helpful things for me in the long run; i cannot imagine what i would be like if i hadn't had the occupational therapist the crisis team found for me).

(coincidentally, if you are an og jojo follower you probably remember how bad it was; i've said it a hundred times, but running this silly little reader-insert blog probably helped save my life at a time when i had almost no contact with the outside world. i couldn't leave my bedroom, but i had my blog and i had my little internet friends and discord server).

i have gotten a lot better.

haz, unfortunately, has not gotten better physically and probably never will. they need help with a lot of things most people don't even realise disabled people might need help with. brushing their hair, fastening clothes . . . when haz first moved in, they were doing the same dance-intensive college course that i was. we danced maybe three or four hours a day. nowadays, haz needs me to hold their hand and keep them steady when they go from our bed to the bathroom (the room next door).

so i don't really 'work' as anything. well, my therapist would tell me off for saying that; the uk government classes me as an 'unpaid carer', which basically means i am on call for haz literally 24/7 and they pay me the pittance that is carer's allowance (carer's allowance assumes you care at least 35 hours a week, and pays you the privilege of about 45 pence per each of those hours. if, like me, you live with the person you care for and do more than those hours, it gets . . . yeah. oof. the government unfortuately know that most unpaid carers are loved ones and family members of the person who needs care and won't just stop doing it, and they'd be in the shit if we did because trained carers are expensive, so they can get away with that - FUCK the tories, honestly.

i am EXCEEDINGLY lucky that i live in a cheap area of the uk, that haz and i are internet savvy enough to be able to access carers/disability discounts, that we are in rent-controlled social housing (which my crisis team helped find for us because living with my parents was taking such a toll on us both, woo!!!!), and that we've been able to access services to help on the nhs. i got my autism assessment and diagnosis; haz is under several pain management teams.

all in all, i'm happy. i'm so much happier than i was seven years ago when i'd dropped out of university and felt like a huge failure, because all of my life i was a gifted overachiever and i thought my self-worth was tied to my academic achievements (and as an extension, what roles i got in what shows and when and who saw me and so on). i don't have a lot of money (i am a bargain shopped fgbnkjgjnfb) but i know what i like and because i'm Older Now (tm) i've amassed collections of it.

i am absolutely sure that you'll boss college, anon! that you will find that thing that works for you (one day i would LOVE to go back and get my degree! pre-covid i had an acceptance for a creative writing degree and i was getting ready to go back to uni as a mature student, but haz's health got bad again and then covid happens - and now ofc i have my autism diagnosis i can access so much more help!). but even if you don't, you can absolutely find happiness without 'traditional' success.

i don't have a lot in the grand scheme of things. but you're right in that i am doing pretty well, in terms of where i am, and where i've been. i have my own little home. i have my partner of ten years who is my soulmate in every conceivable way. i've had experiences that make me feel so happy i sometimes cry when i remember them. i have my own little cat now!!! things still stress me out. but i have come so so far and when i feel down i remember that.

good luck anon! i believe in you <3

[athetos]

I honestly have no fucking idea how I went to college for 4 straight years full time without dropping out. Undiagnosed narcolepsy and adhd, unmedicated, I spent multiple semesters not even on antidepressants, or worse, on ones that made me violently ill, had a month-long bout of a stomach disorder I didn’t even know I inherited from my dad, spent half that amount of time in an abusive relationship, plus a ton more of vastly complex and out of control interpersonal drama, like I barely survived at all tbh but I somehow managed to get a degree? And 3 fucking minors? By the time I was 22? I barely attended some of my classes, people were so used to me falling asleep in the hallways that they’d just step over me and put my coat on me like a blanket, I only passed a couple of classes because I cheated on exams and broke down in the professor’s office and they pitied me, but I fucking did it?

Like, if I went back and time and did it all over again, only this time properly medicated and with a real support group, I would probably have a fucking 4.0, be in 5 clubs, did that crazy double major I joked about, and my life would be so unrecognizable. I’d be in a PhD program right now at some prestigious university and… okay, let’s be real, I probably wouldn’t be making more money than I am right now because I’ve seen what they fucking pay grad students, but that’s just insane to me, how differently my life could have turned out. Or maybe it wouldn’t be different. Maybe it would be the same, or maybe it would even be worse. Like, I’m dating a milf who’s 9 inches taller than me, so maybe this is the best timeline.

Yet, it’s kind of… both funny and depressing to know how fucked I get right now if I don’t have my meds, even if I’m not in a depressive episode. I can barely function without them. I’m asleep more than I am awake, I can’t focus, I have no energy, and if I go more than just a few days without my antidepressants I have full-on mental breakdowns and am borderline-suicidal. So, this of course means 1 of 2 things must be true. Either I wasn’t this fucked up in college, and my disorders must have worsened over time, or I was this fucked up and still forced myself through a degree. The second is probably the most likely, to be honest. And you might be thinking, “Ash, can’t you just remember and compare your symptoms?” You have to understand that I was so unbelievably stressed at some points that huge chunks of time spanning weeks is permanently locked away in my Repressed Memory Vault, and I was also a victim of gaslighting from someone who very much wanted me to believe I was crazy, but also was incredibly adamant I did not receive help (hence partially why I was undiagnosed and unmedicated). My memories aren’t really all that reliable, and the other thing is, I thought the narcolepsy part of it was normal. Or, well, that I was just lazy. I didn’t know what narcolepsy was beyond dramatizations in tv shows. I didn’t see my symptoms as symptoms, and therefore, I didn’t really keep track of them, if that makes sense.

All this to say, I think wishing my life turned out differently isn’t healthy and leads nowhere. I still ruminate on it from time to time, but it’s less from a depressive angle and more because I’m angry as hell that a lot of people failed me in my life during that time period. I should have been diagnosed and medicated, god knows I’ve seen enough therapists and doctors. I should have had a friend that would have helped me get the fuck out of that relationship sooner. I should have had more people supporting me and taking me seriously. But things turned out this way, and I gotta make my peace with that. I might be in a “better” place if things went differently from a certain viewpoint, at least career-wise, but it could be worse in other ways I’d never know. I need to put my energy into making sure the life I’m actually living is the best possible one for me. That’s all that matters.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hello, I think this might be triggering for some but I don't know how to word the TW. Probably misdiagnosis of bpd and power abuse by doctors, hurtful comments towards people with bpd.

I am very afraid to be diagnosed with bpd, I honestly don't think I have it, but I saw many girls getting this diagnosis. When I was in psychiatry, almost every girl who spoke up against abuse (mostly from their parents) was then diagnosed with bpd. We were all 10-14 years old. And they were treated differently. If they spoke up, they were called liar because "Your parents never did anything wrong in their lifetime, it is just your sick brain that thinks that", doctors used to say that, whenever a girl spoke up against anything. (I never spoke up so I wasn't diagnosed with anything but "in puberty" which was also wrong).

They also always said things like "People with bpd will never recover, all good times are only short breaks between relapses" and things like that. So yeah, a bpd diagnosis always had a bitter taste to me. I also saw how differently I was treated by the CPS, unlike my friend with the diagnosis, though we had the same unhealthy mindset. I know some friends who weren't treated by their "normal" doctors anymore, because "people with bpd always lie" etc.

But I also saw other therapists, outside that one psychiatry, who very often and very quickly diagnosed someone with bpd (like a therapist I visited who said after 15min that I probably have it).

And while I am pretty confident in my self diagnosis, I am afraid to go to therapy and to be wrongly diagnosed with bpd. I mean, in my experience if you speak up against the diagnosis, that's a further proof for doctors. I feel like, once I would have that stamp on me, there's no going back, ever.

I'll check out some therapists, starting on Tuesday, but I wanted maybe some ideas, how could I make my point clear to therapists, how can I tell them about my self diagnosis and my certainty that I don't have bpd, without idk giving them further proof of anything or else. Or, how can I overcome my fear of being misdiagnosed. Idk, it seems weird but this fear was one of the reasons I didn't visit therapists for many years.

Because I didn't want to be told "You never experienced abuse, you are the problem" or "You will suffer forever" all the time by the therapist.

Have a nice weekend!

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about your experiences. Being treated differently for having a particular diagnosis, regardless of whether or not that diagnosis is accurate, is unacceptable and sanist, and I'm sorry you've had to hear such hurtful comments. It's unfortunately common for psych wards to misdiagnose BPD, which adds to the overall stigma of the disorder. Having a stigmatized diagnosis can feel like a burden and it's understandable why you wouldn't want to be diagnosed with it.

Finding a therapist that avoids pathologizing their clients can be tricky. While some therapists are unfortunately hasty to diagnose their clients, there are also many therapists out there who are aware of the dangers of pathologization and may even discourage seeking any diagnoses. Therapists should acknowledge the humanity of their clients first, instead of categorizing their thoughts or behaviors as "symptomatic" or "disordered". It's also possible to be re-evaluated and "undiagnosed" if you feel you no longer meet the criteria for a particular disorder, which can wipe the diagnosis from your record, so no diagnosis has to be a permanent label.

A good therapist will never tell you that your experiences aren't valid or that you will never improve, and if a therapist does tell you this, then this is not the right therapist for you (or anyone). It's important to be honest and open with your therapist, because the more they know about you, the better they can help you. Perhaps writing down your thoughts before you come into the session can help you feel more prepared about what you'd like to discuss.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[tragicrevenge]

THIS. I was diagnosed with ADHD about 3 months ago, and I remember having a conversation with my therapist about potentially starting medication shortly after the diagnosis. Now, I didn’t start medication right away (kinda regret that ngl) because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to take that route, because the psychiatrist complimented me on how high functioning I was and how she wasn’t going to require medication for me because she was impressed with the coping skills I had and the ways in which I started accommodating myself without even knowing what I was accommodating.

Anyways, I was talking to my therapist about it, because I decided that I would like to try medication. I explained to her that yea, I’m “high functioning,” but it’s so exhausting being that. I have to do mental gymnastics in order to keep the house of cards that is the life I’ve built for myself from completely collapsing. My therapist then pointed out to me that yes, I have struggled because of my ADHD, but the fact that I went undiagnosed and untreated for so long could likely be WHY I’m so creative. Because I HAD to get creative to figure out ways to make my brain work. She said that that creative thinking could be what led me to choosing a career in art, and she warned me that with medication, I could potentially be tampering that creativity if I’m not careful. She didn’t say it outright in a way of “no you shouldn’t need meds,” but still, I thought about it again and have since shared my thoughts with her and she’s supportive of them and my choices regardless, but I’m gonna share those thoughts here.

Yes, my ADHD HAS contributed to my ability to be creative and imaginative a TON. BUT at the same time, it hinders my creativity and my ability to DO something with it. I can never finish a drawing or painting without practically pulling my own teeth, otherwise it can take months to finish just one drawing because I can’t stay focused on most tasks for longer than maybe an hour. I have immense difficulty in organizing my own thoughts in a way that is cohesive enough TO put on paper, which, again, hinders my ability to create. And that’s not to mention the way my ADHD affects my life OUTSIDE of my artwork.

Haven’t started medication yet because the appointment isn’t until next month, but I’m hoping that it can help with this. But, anyways, having ADHD while being a creative person oftentimes feels like wielding a double edged sword.

Being a creative with adhd is so weird because you want to make things so badly but your brain is just refusing to, so you’re just stuck there replaying the exact scene or piece of dialogue or drawing or cinematic shot in your mind while not actually being able to do anything. But at the same time the adhd is actively giving you unique creative experiences and ideas and it feels like a fundamental part of you as an artist. It’s such an interesting dichotomy of feeling the thing that you want to make so strongly and wanting nothing more than to just pour it all out but also being completely unable to do it, and that coming from the same source. But then also you have to live through said dichotomy and it just becomes completely and overwhelmingly exhausting.

[cursed-elo-images]

On Melvyn Gale

So I'm just going to write an emotional essay on Melvyn Gale about how interesting he is to me as a person.

Melvyn Gale is just one of those people that... interest me, you know? He's mysterious, he's unique, he's lovely—he's not an ordinary guy.

There is not that much info about him, but I’m going to do my best with the details of him that are out there.

The reason I find him so interesting is how his personality and behavior are detailed, in Bev's book as that's the main source. Like he's portrayed as a very talkative and hyper-friendly individual. Talkative to a lot of people, especially his significant others! Although unfortunately Bev and I think Jeff found him to be a little too talkative in an excessive manner. While understandable and I don’t think that’s necessarily bad or rude in any way, it makes me feel a little sorry for Melvyn in a way whenever they tell him that they think he talks too much—not that I’m trying to be patronizing—it’s just that I understand what it’s like to be so talkative…

…and “different”…

And how people will make fun of that…

Okay, in his case, I believe Jeff and Bev were only just joking around as they were close friends. That is obviously different than what happened with me.

As a child, I was admittedly very socially awkward, and yes, you could say that I was not one to automatically understand a lot of social cues. One of them being taking turns in conversations, and subjects of conversations. I talked to people A LOT about my interests, and a lot of people indeed found me annoying. I also learned that as an early teen that a lot of those people were not actually trying to be my friends but were also teasing me behind my back, which really struck a nerve with me.

Since then, though, I have gotten better at being more socially healthy and I have improved my social skills despite not really knowing how to socialize still, I think. Sometimes I do tend to become too talkative but now that I am an adult I can try to keep it under control. Moreso now I have trouble thinking on what to say and if I sound rude or polite. I do think that I may should have had prevented myself from being too talkative as a kid as it was a bit destructive at times. Still, it does not excuse bullying someone for being hyperverbal and believe me, the ridiculing I received still stings today a little bit.

And, yeah, besides the social issues, I also tend to have highly specific interests that I interact with in a very, very deep and fixated way. By now you probably would guess I am probably neurodivergent, specifically on the autism spectrum, and… you might be right. I have never been diagnosed though since a lot of times that happens with undiagnosed autistic people. It’s especially because I am a woman as well, which is also a common issue with us going undetected. It’s getting better each decade, which I am thankful for. But it still bugs me how uncertain I am, yet at the same time I am certain if that makes sense. I do plan on getting reviewed again by a therapist soon to see why I am the way I am. Regardless, I do not view this as a bad thing and now I understand myself more after researching this topic.

But this essay isn’t about me, is it? No—so let’s move on.

I cannot speak for Melvyn. While I can relate to him, I also don’t know why he was this talkative as well. I cannot assume anything as I do not want to jump to conclusions, say things that are untruths, poorly theorize things, lean into stereotypes, intrude in his business as that’s not appropriate for obvious reasons, etc. It’s a maybe-this-or-maybe-that situation. I know nothing, so I’m going to act like I know nothing.

What I will do is explain what all of this means to me. In context to Melvyn as once again I don’t want this post to be about me lol.

As I thought about all of this: I almost cried. Its just—okay, the fact that not only did I become a fan of ELO’s music but also the weird and wonderful members made me learn that it’s okay to be yourself, because one shouldn’t put so much energy in trying to be like someone else. And that there might be others to relate to. And… I love the members, and I also learned what real love (in the general sense I mean, as a concept, not romantically haha) is like. I feel free, I feel I can appreciate them without judgement and I enjoy them dearly. I accept them for who they are, like Melvyn for example, because I kind of know what it’s like to be talkative like him.

I feel represented in a way.

Being in the fandom made me understand life so much better, for reasons I mentioned previously. I just hope he wasn’t ridiculed in a mean-spirited way, and I really do wish him the best. I’m glad to be an ELO fan.

I don’t find him annoying. Like, not at all. Not even a little bit. I don’t think I even can to be honest. Again, it’s not only because I’m fond of him, but also because he’s just so relatable to me. I enjoy listening to him speak in interviews and what not. Oh and he’s funny too. The whole exchange with him and Sharon Arden about cork heels just entertains me.

Overall, I’m so glad to be a fan of this band, and I’m glad that I’m a fan of their lovely, polite, and socially awkward cello guy. I feel a bit happier now knowing they exist…

Melvyn Gale is awesome.

[mental-health-advice]

uh, hi! i guess i’ll just be blunt about it: i definitely have some sort of undiagnosed mental illness. my prime suspect has changed many times over the years, but i know it’s there and i can’t be making it up- my friends all know it, my family knows it, it’s obvious there’s something. hell i’ve got like 4 different predispositions just in my immediate family. but every time i try to see a professional to figure it out and maybe get me a diagnosis (i’m too nervous to self-dx and risk being wrong), they all say i seem ��fine.” maybe because i’m self-aware and can describe my symptoms clearly? idk. but it worries me- my mom didn’t get diagnosed for pretty severe GAD until after she had me (30s), and my dad never even sought a diagnosis for his depression. i’m scared that’ll happen to me, that i won’t be able to know what it is for so long, or maybe ever. to be fair, i’ve yet to see a psychiatrist- this is because they are hard to find and my parents don’t wanna try looking for one without confirmation from an easier-to-access professional. i’m just. i’m scared, i guess, that i’ll never figure it out, and that the people who could help me will all just think i’m a hypochondriac for my whole life? it’s especially scary when i see how much my mom’s meds have helped her- what if there’s something like that that could help me but i’ll be deprived of it for years or decades to come? it’s horrifying, and it makes me mad to hear licensed professionals insist that they know me better than i do. they’re obviously well meaning but it’s just… i guess frustrating is the word? i just wanna know what the hell is up so i can learn how to accommodate for it, y’know? i uh, anyways. do you have any advice or suggestions for getting a diagnosis, or even just coping with being undiagnosed? thanks in advance.

Hey there,

Normally the first place/ person to go to, to get a diagnosis would be seeing your local doctor or GP and if they are unable or unwilling to help diagnose you then you are always in your right to ask for a referral to someone else, whether it be a specialist doctor or a counsellor or therapist. Although most counsellors cannot diagnose, they will have a bit of an idea or what is going on for you after getting to know you over a few weeks and if needed, they may have some contacts to refer you on to a psychiatrist if for example medication is recommended for to help treat your diagnosis/ symptoms.

Of course though, a diagnosis isn’t everything, but it can definitely help being able to give what your feeling/ experiencing a name.

Depending on your diagnosis there may be particular therapies that would be best suited to helping you recovery wise. So for example, dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) is more commonly used to treat borderline personality disorder (BPD), amongst other things. Of course though I am not a professional but I would encourage you to get a second or a third opinion in regards to your symptoms until a professional listens and takes you seriously. It is so good that you are being proactive about your mental health though and especially since you do have family with a history with mental health concerns/ diagnosis’.

I am not sure how you usually ask for help or for a diagnosis but sometimes as well as well as listing your symptoms, it can also be really helpful to give specific examples of how those symptoms greatly affect your life, and tell them that there is also a family history with metal health concerns/ diagnosis’. I suggest this as sometimes if we point out exactly what we feel we may have or suggest what may be going on for us diagnosis wise, then they can feel as though we are trying to do ‘their’ job or are making things up even though patients and clients should always be taken seriously with what they say and concerns they may have.

This is why it’s quite normal to get more than one professional’s opinion and especially if the first one or two people do not listen to us or takes us seriously. I should also point out that some doctors and GP’s may not be well educated when it comes to mental health so they may brush you off as they simply may not know what to do or suggest to you in regards for help and support.

Another option may be to contact a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling as sometimes they will be able to direct you to certain services that may be able to help you. Just something to think about! We also have a page on getting help for more ideas on how you can get/ ask for help although I feel as though you are already doing the majority of what is also suggested!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren  

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm starting to feel like bpd is actually just what happens when there's an overlap between adhd, ptsd, and depression- which I think is much more common than physciatrists think

I have a lot of theories but also like I need to do way more research on this before assuming things because I know this is already a greatly stigmatized disorder and I don't want to erase anyone's experiences or make it worse.

[mangodestroyer]

I feel you on the whole "it's not okay for me to do/say stupid things." When I was a teenager, I used to say, "People are so hard on me because I have all the wrong flaws! But of COURSE it's okay for others to have flaws because they're flawed in the right way!" And I think my teenage self might have been on to something. I didn't realize at the time that my "flaws" were just symptoms of my condition. I knew I had been diagnosed with something at the age of five (social communication disorder), but I hadn't realized it was very similar to autism and lifelong. When I went to a therapist at 17 after having a meltdown in class because my friend and I argued over something (it was pretty dumb looking back, but I got upset because my friend was assuming the worst about a character and minimizing her suffering and it made me wonder if she would have done that to me irl, which I now know isn't true because she has grown as a person and is actually very empathetic), the therapist analyzed me for a while and talked to my mother privately (who had been called to the school to come to the therapist session with me). She just said the things she would normally say about me. That I'm just very emotional.

And I thought that would be it. Therapist would just think I was emotional. And I hated that because that was something that would often get used against me growing up. Nope, the therapist told me that I am probably autistic, and that was why I had the miscommunication with my friend that led to me melting down. Not only did I misunderstand my friend big time, but he noticed that I had other symptoms of autism too. Hyperfixations, lack of eye contact, weird body language, stimming, good academic performance, speech problems, etc. And trust me when I say that I was both shocked and relieved when he told me this. Before this point, I had never considered that I was possibly autistic. I knew I had been close to being diagnosed as a child (two points away on the autism spectrum test), but I didn't think I actually could be autistic. But he explained to me that lots of people grow up being undiagnosed, even if they were screened for it. It's especially underdiagnosed in people raised female because of some of the symptoms getting mistaken for gender stereotypes (women are often considered obsessive and emotional and are expected to act more reserved, which is how people on the spectrum come off). "Female autism" also apparently presents differently. It also turns out, in the U.S., that specialists are reluctant to diagnose autism because it ends up being a financial burden for all the parties involved; schools, parents, insurance companies, etc. So they don't want to diagnose it unless it's "really bad."

I knew I was different. I didn't know why. I didn't know why my attempts to "fit in" and "act normal" weren't working. And this... this just explained so much to me! I thought I was just cursed or something. I thought I was hopeless! Nope, I'm just a little different. Since then, I've been able to figure myself out further and learned how to better navigate the world with my neurodiversity.

But trust me when I say that I feel it so hard when you say you aren't allowed to make mistakes. I don't know about you, but I had a lot of self-hate for the longest time. Which is sadly very normal for people on the spectrum (there's a very high unaliving rate for this demographic). It didn't help that I had grown up in an emotionally abusive household that often scapegoated me because of my autistic symptoms. I grew up thinking I was pretty much worthless and awful. I thought I was stupid, sucked at everything I did, the most unpleasant person to be around, hideous, and so on. If I had known what personality disorders were at the time, I would have thought I had one. People had me convinced that I was too emotional and dramatic, too confrontational, too argumentative, that I loved to start shit and "stir the pot" (I didn't like this, I always felt fucking awful when shit led to a fight), and that I don't care about others and only care about myself. Okay, okay. Maybe this is more than just a "being autistic" experience. Maybe this was more of a "my family is abusive and tried to project all these awful traits onto me." Cause I'm pretty sure it's not normal for your mother to scream at you for two hours straight and tell you horrible things like "You don't love anyone!" and "I should have been harder on you!" But then again, neurodivergent kids often end up being the ones taking an abusive family's wrath... And what's worse is that we end up dating people who are like our parents (my ex ended up being cold like my family and finding me annoying like they do, and then I think my roommate was sexually interested me and was trying to get me involved with her and her boyfriend in that way, which would have been a disaster because she would switch between being sweet and supportive, almost babying, with me because she could tell I was neurodivergent and compliment some of my physical features, but then she would also say some pretty messed up things about me too, some insanely hurtful and some sexual, and yeah there were some other things about her that just creep me out looking back).

I guess what I am trying to say is that neurodiversity comes with so many of its own problems and there's no field guide on how to deal with them. A lot of us have to rough it out and figure this shit out for ourselves. I'm really not unique in having experience so much mistreatment. Lots of people on the spectrum experience that. We just seem to be a target for abusive individuals, so we get to deal with shit like that on top of societal ridicule and have to do so much work trying to not only heal and accept ourselves, but prevent others from hurting us in the future. Many of us have mental health issues for a reason.

I'm not saying neurotypicals don't have problems. Some NTs are depressed, don't feel like they fit in, doubt themselves, and end up in abusive relationships. While it may be true that they tend to have it easier on average, that doesn't mean an NT's life can't be hard. Lots of people have hard lives. It's just hard to remember this sometimes as an ND because from my perspective, it's so easy for NTs to find the help and support they need to overcome this.

I don't know where you're from, but if you happen to live in an English speaking country like I do, you probably know that some Western cultures tend to have some toxic ideas about what is "normal" or "acceptable" and "fitting in." And here in the U.S., it's BAD. We are a very mean culture indeed. We promote so many unhealthy behaviors and it's no wonder so many people here are miserable. We promote hustle culture, which is a problem for so many reasons and one of them is because it discourages self-care. We scorn "laziness," and by that, I mean anyone who isn't able to work AT LEAST 40 hours a week while juggling a bunch of other responsibilities. Autistic people burn out easily and have trouble keeping track of shit/get overwhelmed, so this is one reason why autistic traits are looked down upon here. We also expect people to do whatever is popular. It's normal to scrutinize "weird" people, and it's even encouraged to humiliate those who don't fit the mold. In fact, our entertainment often portrays people with autistic traits as being sociopathic and distustingly freaky in their weirdness. Idk, maybe I'm the only one who's noticed this, but I feel like some modern media just shows that "weird" co-worker in TOO bad of a light, whereas media in the past almost kind of seemed to celebrate the socially awkward characters as being an asset despite their weirdness. Oh, and don't get me started on how normalized narcissistic traits are! We make too many excuses for people who fuck others over and are convinced that they are "hard-working" and "smart" when they're really not.

So yeah, a lot of these rules are cultural. I admit, I live in one shitty culture. I have actually sometimes wondered if I would have been happier if I grew up somewhere else. For instance, I've been told in places like Italy, people are more laid back. Same with France. And Japan values privacy, which is not something the U.S. values (we think people are suspicious if they aren't open about everything or want some alone time). And like I said about the old media thing, I think characters who showed autistic traits were more appreciated back in the day because I've seen so many cartoons and whatnot from the old days where characters like that were just allowed to exist in peace. Now they're just sociopathic losers, ig.

And you're right about the ecosystems where neurodiversity is more accepted. I'm kind of starting to get into the more alternative sub cultures (I've always been interested in them but was too afraid to do so because it was considered "weird"). I follow a YouTuber who has been a pretty hardcore goth their whole life, and they're also autistic. So are lots of people who end up joining into that culture. I've also come to realize that I have the attitude of a goth. Seeing how ugly the world is but also seeing the beauty in it. And I find the aesthetic appealing. I'm not saying I'll go full out with the aesthetic or anything or listen to the music, but I certainly wouldn't mind dressing in darker clothes and all that. I've also thought about dyeing my natural auburn hair a more vibrant shade of red so I look Satanic (I'm not Satanic, but again, I like the aesthetic and it pisses some people off way too much). And I'd love to get to know more people who just... go out of their way to be less normal? I think I was happier when I was more openly weird is all I'm saying.

Also, back when I was attending an engineering school in person, there were definitely a lot of people who seemed to be on the spectrum. And lots of people, in hindsight, actually wanted to get to know me and I think some were even flirting with me. Not something that happens very often in my small, redneck town. I've been thinking about going back there for grad school. I've also met people in my pure math program who have more in common with me than people I encounter on the street everyday.

Our people are out there.

Ineffable feels like the right word to use for how society operates with their stupid rules based on stupid things.

Stupid things like "even if I tell you it's ok you're just supposed to know it's not so that you don't hurt my feelings"

See also "it's okay to hurt your feelings on purpose and involve a large audience to help me hurt your feelings on purpose because you hurt mine on accident"

This isn't based on anything recent I'm just thinking about it because I'm writing some heavily-Aziraphale POV stuff and I tend to lean heavily on the word "ineffable" and I realized that's because that's how all of this stuff feels to me most of the time.

Why is it like that? I don't know, I can only tell you that it is based on the patterns I've observed.

Who told me this was against The Rules? Well no one, that's the point, it's all just kind of ineffable you're just supposed to sort of know and I'm just trying to do my best to follow.

Why can't I deviate? Well -- I mean -- because those are The Rules, I'm not supposed to deviate? Oh -- but it's also in The Rules that you're supposed to break the rules sometimes? Oh, you won't tell me when those are? Oh. Oh dear.

Well, that's rather inconvenient. And yet I'm the bastard for being direct every once in awhile or attempting to follow The ineffable Rules that are both very important and meaningless at the same time.

[cute-chamomile]

It's kind of wild how I've been living with undiagnosed anxiety for like. Years and years. Like I was age 9 and always stressed, and I just thought that's normal.

[birdhouse-lover]

an analysis of young royals s2

obviously theirs spoilers so read at your own risk.

i’ll be talking about most of the main characters (august, felice, sara, simon, wilhelm and marcus) and talking about my thoughts about them.

august:

i was really really hoping for a redemption arc. i was hoping he meant what he said about being sorry and feeling bad. but the moment he had the power of potential monarchy near him, he turned. he proved that he is a true villain. he wants power and has no true regard for others.

if he continues to be in this show, i do hope they explore his addiction and eating disorder more.

felice:

top tier character. never did anything wrong. that kiss between her and wilhelm. barely mattered. she handled it like a queen. she is such a good friend to Sara and Wilhelm. i want only the best for her.

i hope to look a bit more at what she enjoys doing that isn’t riding.

Sara:

she’s flawed. they all are. i think my biggest trouble with her was that she knew how much the video hurt Simon and she knew August posted it and she still dated him. on the other hand, i know how it feels to fall in love with someone who makes you happy sometimes and really sad others. so her situation isn’t the easiest. most of the problems she had and others might have with her come from the fact that she was either not informed or just didn’t understand.

i hope we can explore her rebuilding a relationship with felice and the other girls.

marcus:

i really likes marcus at first, i did. but then simon tried to break up with him, telling him he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship yet and marcus just. didn’t let him???? that threw me. and then he’s acting all like simon didn’t genuinely like him and was only using him to get back at willie. he’s a little toxic. but honestly, i think he’s also a flawed person.

i don’t have anything i want to explore with him. i honestly do not care if he continues to be in the show.

simon:

simon goes through a lot. he gets his boundaries violated over and over and he really just wants to be respected in his relationship. i think he also doesn’t fully understand willie’s situation. it’s hard to know what other people are going through. i think he was looking for a specific relationship with willie that was near-unattainable. i love simon to death. he is so amazing and easy to sympathize with.

i would love to explore simon setting firm boundaries with others and maybe seeing a therapist because he’s got somethings to work out between the drama he’s been through with willie, his situation with marcus, and his family.

willie:

willie. i love willie. i have diagnosed gad, undiagnosed adhd, and possible autism. i see myself, especially my anxiety in willie. i see him chewing on the inside of his cheek. he fixes his hair. he’s got acne scars, probably from picking at his skin, just like i do. he doesn’t understand why he can’t handle the same pressure that so many others experience. his anxiety attacks aren’t all always hyperventilating. they can be silent, tearless, but so so clear that he is struggling. i also think he could have adhd or autism (or both).

most of all, i want to talk about how much shit he’s been through. he’s 16. 1 year older than me. he’s a child. a kid. he’s just trying to survive life! and he is traumatized. his brother (the only person he felt like truly understood him) is dead, the most intimate moment of his life is posted on the internet, he is betrayed by almost his entire family, and the person that he loves isn’t willing to be in a secret relationship (no hate to simon btw, he was totally right to set that sort of boundary). my point is, he is traumatized, not receiving help for his mental illness and a fucking teenager. this makes him impulsive and say stupid things and do stupid stuff. he is a flawed character, just like everyone else in this show. he hurts people he is close to. he lashes out with anger.

an interesting thing i’ve found about anxiety is that when things get to overwhelming and something is on your mind, it feels like the only way to get that off you chest is to pick a fight. a small one that doesn’t really matter. because you can’t fight the bigger fight.

in the long run, as mad as everyone may be at august, punishing him isn’t going to do anything. the video is already leaked. the damage is already done. but willie picks fights with him because it’s a battle he can win.

i hope to see willie continue to go to therapy and work through some trauma and also be more open in his communication with simon about his feelings and anxiety.

[my-darling-boy]

Genuinely asking, isn't self-diagnose with a condition kind of dangerous? Because legitimizing self-diagnosing opens a door to many malicious people who would want to exploit the fact they can self-diagnose? And in turn, make the space of autistic people worse?

Was going to skip this, but I’m writing a LONG response because I’m VERY exhausted with the amount of misinformation I see on this “self dx is dangerous” take, so buckle up and allow me to info dump.

Recently, authentic_autism_advocacy, an Instagram account run by a supposed medically diagnosed autistic woman was discovered to be a non-autistic woman, Connie Manning, posing as a medically diagnosed autistic person to spread hate and anti-self diagnosing speech. In reality, she is a neurotypical mother who regularly uses her autistic son for clout; she also turned out to have a hand behind CalmWear, a brand of sensory compression products designed for disabled people. Not only had she been spewing hatred towards other autistic people, she had been accusing well known AFAB autistic tiktokers like beckspectrum of faking being autistic and threatening self diagnosed autistics and saying they are a danger to the community, and engaging in other incredibly discriminating behaviour. Yes, she herself was a neurotypical person posing as a medically diagnosed autistic to perpetuate hateful rhetoric about self diagnosed people and used her voice to speak OVER autistic folk for financial gain and exploitation of autistic people, including her own son. If you want to read this roller coaster of a story, an autistic person wrote an entire article on it with tons of screenshots and sources.

So let me make one thing clear to you.

The purpose of actually, genuinely self diagnosing is not done to attract attention or to parade around and exploit other autistic people. Self diagnosed autistic individuals have recognised due to difficult life circumstances, financial hardship, bigotry and stigma within the medical/legal world, being a minor, lack of insurance, lack of proper access to safe care facilities, being denied assessment due to incompetent or biased practitioners, and/or any other obstacle that they may temporarily or permanently be barred from diagnosis. Self diagnosis does NOT instantly mean a person is posing for clout, nor does it indicate a person is trying to wring money from assistance services or exploit other autistics. And nts who use self diagnose with intentions of harming the community? That’s NOT self diagnosis, that’s abuse of something meant to aid people blocked from medical care or financial means to that care. All we can do for autistic people, no matter who we perceive them to be, is treat them the same way we would any other autistic person. Because the moment you start deciding by your own book who deserves respect and who doesn’t, you’ll be on a slippery slope to locking out thousands of autistic people from the community. If it’s discovered a person like Connie is literally abusing the system of self dx to intentionally mislead the community, by all means, we must hold them accountable. But you cannot simply go about granting and revoking access from people just because someone lacks a diagnosis or doesn’t fit your idea of what being autistic looks like, especially if it’s based on stereotypes.

Moral of the story? Isn’t it ironic how anti-self dx people will 100% believe a user who claims to be medically diagnosed but shows no “written proof” of it, yet always demand written proof from a self dx person? It’s almost like even anti-self dx people can’t tell the difference between someone who is medically diagnosed autistic and someone who isn’t. Well, that’s because they can’t. While there might be common traits, autism has no set model, it is a spectrum, no autistic person is alike; Policing self diagnosed people about their self diagnosis isn’t a form of protecting the community. It’s a form of gatekeeping. If you find yourself granting instant acceptance, without asking for proof, to a person insisting they are medically diagnosed like this neurotyical mother, but then prohibit self dx people from entry entirely on the grounds of not showing proof of medical assessment, you are upholding a double standard. This is why policing autistic people’s diagnosis, self or not, is inherently useless.

So here’s the thing... instead of asking people to stop self diagnosing, what you should instead be asking yourself is, “Why do people self diagnose? What kind of medical system could possibly be in place where people feel they need to resort to self diagnosis rather than get an actual diagnosis?”

Well, it’s mainly common knowledge among most of the autistic community that diagnosis is NOT easy to come by.

One of the main reasons why people cannot get a diagnosis is due to financial/insurance reasons. It’s reasonable to estimate that by the end of 2020 almost 30 million Americans alone were without health insurance. I’ve heard costs out of pocket for an autism diagnosis are between $500-$6000. If a person or a family cannot afford health insurance—which by the way on average is around $5,400 a year for a single person and $13,800 for a family here—where are they supposed to pull out $6,000 to get screened?

You might be asking, “Well aren’t insurances supposed to cover disability?” Sure, there are options for disability care through health insurance—not even going to get into that—but like a lot of things in the US, this is a severely flawed system. A lot of private health insurance will stop or limit coverage for an autism diagnosis or assistance services once a person reaches 18 to 21 years old. In most states, coverage has a higher chance of being denied to autistic adults coming with the added age cap or ONLY covering ABA, an abusive, manipulative “therapy” used to force social compliance and trait suppression on autistic people. The fact that ABA, a conversion therapy, is covered, but little else, shows exactly what insurance companies think of autistic people: they’ll only cover us if we want to learn to be “normal”. This can leave many undiagnosed autistic adults who cannot afford analysis, insurance, or safe assistance services with nowhere to turn. If I was not on my parents’ insurance, there is NO WAY I would EVER be able to afford a diagnosis. I don’t have $2,000 lying around. The MONEY ALONE would prohibit me from getting a diagnosis, no matter how many autistic traits I presented.

When I was going through this system years ago to start a diagnosis, I was shocked to find no therapist within three hours of me was accepting adult patients. “Up to 18 only” their websites would say. And in the event I had found one (1) that accepted me as a then 20 year old with X insurance, and that person refused me diagnosis, I would be out of options unless I planned a 5 hour drive which may have also led me to another biased screener. A person seeking self financed assessment can waste thousands of dollars therapist hopping.

People will say, “Well I live in X place, and where I come from, it’s covered!” Well the reality is that everyone in the world does not live where you live. It’s not realistic to assume everyone is in the same position as you or your family to afford care or access the same resources as you. When you say, “Just go out and get a diagnosis! It’s not that hard!”, understand you are speaking from your personal vantage point where screening may be easily accessed or easily covered/is free OR you have no personal knowledge of what that process is like yourself.

The second thing that bars a ton of people from being diagnosed is the fact that when autism was first discovered, its research was HEAVILY centered on white, cis, heterosexual men. The idea that autistic people are ONLY cis, white, heterosexual men carries on to this day. If you are an outlier to this stereotype, your chances of being misdiagnosed with something else or refused diagnosis skyrocket because so-called “professionals” don’t know how to observe traits in any other person besides a cis, white, heterosexual man, and refuse/fail to recognise the endless ways in which a person can be autistic. ALL the time I hear how AFAB people will go in to get screened only to find out their screener does not believe AFAB people can be autistic, because yes, sexism and anti-lgbtq+ ideas play a huge role in the incredibly outdated diagnostic process, because autism is still believed to be an “AMAB only” thing. People report going into a therapists office and being asked questions like, “Do you like going outside? Do you like having friends?” and being told that if you agree with either of these, you cannot be autistic because criteria at some places is so backwards, you can’t even say you enjoy conversation without failing the test. Other things commonly heard during the analysis are screeners telling someone they are too smart/articulate to be autistic, gas lighting them by saying they are mistaking their symptoms for something else/making them up, telling a person they seem normal, dismissing clear autistic traits by saying they’re unique “superpowers”, or intentionally misdiagnosing a person as ADHD INSTEAD of autistic. People on social media have also pointed out what influences racism has on the diagnostic process as well and how lack of research and understanding of autistic POC contributes to under-diagnosis and stigma has only contributed to refusal of care and under-representation of POC in the disabled community, as one autistic Black woman points out on Instagram, “I found excellent articles that support and validate my feelings and experiences, but I could find no research on autistic Black people.” Additionally, because research has primarily been done on young men, this means anyone who is not a cis man and is over the age of 18 and is seeking a diagnosis has a much higher chance of not receiving one because screeners don’t understand how autistic traits may present differently in adults, especially since adults are very likely to mask. Some autism screeners are so against autism they have told clients they would only diagnosis a person autistic if it was their last resort to avoid “placing a burden on their shoulders”. These reasons are largely responsible for why autism is incredibly mis/under-diagnosed. This ask would be the length of a novel if I included every single type of discrimination and mistreatment during the evaluation process alone, but understand it can be incredibly biased, sexist, transphobic, racist, or just flat out ableist. And guess what? Though this process can take as little as a month to get sorted, that is rare. The assessment SHOULD be very short. But a lot of autistic people have reported their diagnosis took more than 2-4 years because of having to waste time, energy, and money hopping from therapist to therapist looking for someone to take them seriously, as many autistic people compiled on the actuallyautistictiktoks page on Instagram point out.

The last thing I want to touch on is this idea that people have that self diagnosing is dangerous. “What if someone self diagnoses and they take advantage of services that are meant for autistic people?” ...The Big Things you think I am going to take advantage of as a self diagnosed autistic person, like scholarship money for instance or SSDI, I do not have legal access to without a formal diagnosis. I cannot waltz into a law firm and ask for a $5,000 scholarship for autistic people without a diagnosis, because they WILL NOT give it to me!

Let me tell you some of things I’ve “cruelly taken advantage of” as a self diagnosed autistic person. I bought glasses with blue light protection, because screen and fluorescent lighting at work and even natural blue toned light from the sky lowers my threshold for some sensory input like noise and social interaction; wearing them to work everyday has improved my sensory thresholds incredibly. I’ve talked to my manager and told him I’m autistic and that I have a hard time understanding vague direction and may need to step away briefly on occasion to tend to a shutdown before a meltdown comes on at work; he had no problem with this. I use subtitles; sometimes I have trouble processing audio or reading facial expressions and tone, and being able to see the words displayed on the screen gives me a significantly better understanding of what I watch. All my life, I have been having meltdowns which I had mistaken for mental breakdowns or panic attacks and having access to resources that walked me through preventative methods and tips on what to do if I have one has been ENORMOUSLY helpful to me. All my life, I was trying to deal with them thinking they were something else; becoming aware of this and accepting that they are in fact autistic meltdowns has helped me not only go through them, but has helped me redirect stims which at their worst previously had me hitting and clawing my arms, slapping my face, and even hitting my head. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to wait 4 years for a diagnosis to use resources I could be using to make my life more accessible right now!

People will say, “Oh well yeah, I don’t mean You are one of Those Types of self diagnosed autistic people, you clearly sound/look autistic, I’m talking about other people.” The thing is, there is no broad “sounding/looking autistic”, that’s stereotyping, and you can’t demand everyone who interacts with you show you their Autistic Card, because again, not everyone is able to be diagnosed, especially given the mistreatment and stigma present towards autistic people in the medical field! And what made you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “don’t seem autistic” to you? Why didn’t you ask for their diagnosis? Because they “seemed autistic” to you? By denying anyone who doesn’t have a diagnosis resources they may very well need, you are denying assistance to thousands of people who are without means to be diagnosed. And I am SO tired of seeing comments online on self diagnosis posts that “people don’t know what they’re taking about” as if they know us personally, like are you me? Are you my doctor I’ve consulted? Did you watch me academically research and consult with other autistic people about being autistic for over 3 years? I’m tired of “well, one time a self diagnosed person laughed at my actually autistic diagnosed friend...so all self dx people are evil” because there is ZERO correlation between a person being self assessed and their behavior towards a non self assessed person. The fact both those arguments are in use whenever self dx comes up is yet another form of gatekeeping.

Self diagnosing autism is not begging for attention or Evil Criminal Money Funneling Schemes. It is a result of a deeply flawed medical and insurance system that has failed to give proper attention and care to those who need it, it is a result of resources not made available, of safe support systems not there for kids and adults alike. You want to talk about what’s truly dangerous? How the hate group Autism Speaks has been parading itself around since 2005 as an advocacy group for autistic people and has been misusing millions of dollars worth of donation money and promoting stigma and hatred around autistic people; no autistic members are present on their board. How Sia and her new film Music was nominated for 2 Golden Globes despite it replacing the original autistic actor with a neurotypical actor, using offensive stereotypes, and using the main autistic character as a prop, and featured an extremely dangerous bodily restraint scene on an autistic person having a meltdown in public and featured very insensitive content due to Sia’s lack of consulting with autistic people to make the film (spoilers in that article).

Instead of policing autistic people, whether they fit your idea of what an autistic person is or not, redirect your efforts and your energy to dismantling systems and holding others accountable for perpetuating harmful stereotypes about autistic people that are legitimately dangerous on such a scale that they have created insurmountable damage to the autistic community. But I guarantee you, worrying over whether your classmate is “faking it” will not do any justice to the decades worth of discrimination autistic people face still today.

I understand. You care about the community, you don’t want autistic people to be exploited or taken advantage of. I don’t want to be exploited and taken advantage of as an autistic person, and I don’t want that for others! But I also understand that when we self proclaim ourselves as judges of random autistic strangers on the internet or start accusing people of faking or demanding to see medical paperwork from people when the basis of our suspicions is “this person doesn’t look like my stereotyped view on how I think an autistic person should act”, THAT is when you really run into trouble. Because if you are allowed to deny self dx people entrance into the autistic community, what’s stopping you from thinking you have the power to deny ANYONE entrance into that community?

And there is power in self diagnosis for many autistic people. When the evaluation system is literally rigged to set you up for failure and put you through unnecessary hardship, self dx is a self affirming, empowering tool to take back control from a process designed to gaslight and crush you. The evaluation process was NOT formulated by an autistic person, nor was it made to be inclusive of all autistic people. Until the evaluation system in place for autistic people is safe, accessible, and free to ALL, you have EVERY right to self diagnose.

[charlie-minion]

Who am I?

I feel like I should start this journey by introducing myself. My name is Karla, but I never use my real name in any of my social media platforms. I am more used to being Charlie, and I think it is because “Karla” is the person I am in “real life”, the one I am supposed to be, the one who has a specific role. On the contrary, Charlie is my pure essence, or at least the person I’m still trying to figure out. Charlie is me without other people’s expectations, and I like that a lot. So, for all intents and purposes, please call me Charlie.

I will turn 37 years old in two months. I have a Bachelor’s and a Master’s degree, but I stopped working 5 years ago. I used to be a teacher and worked mostly with teenagers for around 12 years. Nowadays, the thought of being in a classroom makes me anxious beyond belief. I don’t know why, though. I used to really love my profession, but I guess that trying to hide your depression while pretending to be a joyous person takes a toll on you.

Oh, there’s that! I have been dealing with depression basically my whole life. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2018. When I stopped working, or better said, when I got fired from my last job at the end of 2017, I was having the worst year of my life. I attempted suicide at least three times only that year. I was done. I was in excruciating emotional pain. I had a therapist and a psychiatrist, but bless their souls, they did not help me much. I had been diagnosed with clinical depression and was medicated, but I saw no improvement whatsoever, and it makes sense since I had bipolar not depression. So, when I got fired, I decided to take a break because I was too emotionally unstable to look for a new job. That break became longer than expected because I haven’t had a formal job since then.

I identify myself as demisexual and biromantic. I only feel attracted towards people when I have formed some sort of emotional bond. Physical attraction doesn’t make me want to date someone. I can appreciate the aesthetic form of the human body, male or female, but I won’t want to be romantically involved with them, no matter how attractive they are, unless I bond with them on an emotional level first. And yes, when I say male or female, that’s what I mean. That’s the biromantic part of me. I don’t care whether the people I fall for are men or women. I haven’t met non-binary, gender fluid, or trans people in person yet, so I can’t talk about that for now, but I'm sure I wouldn’t mind that either. I just don’t really care about people’s genitals or what gender they identify as (if they do at all).

I was married to a man. It ended quite fast and quite badly, but he’s been a good friend for the last few years after our divorce. I was engaged twice before I got married. They were very painful experiences that left me a lot of wounds to heal. I have also been involved with women. The most significant one was good until it became long distance. I have had my fair share of catastrophic relationships and my unstable, undiagnosed mental illness didn’t help at all. I am nowadays single because I am still trying to figure out what I want or if I even want to have someone by my side. I have a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that gets in the way when I try to have a romantic relationship, so I’ve grown a little disillusioned because of that. For now, I think it’s better to have a relationship with myself –something I still struggle with.

I don’t have children, but that was a decision I made for myself a long time ago. I can barely take care of myself. My emotional well-being is a roller coaster, so how could I even think of having to care for another human being? I could lose my shit at any moment and actually end up killing myself, so what would happen to the child? Because of all that, I got sterilized a month ago. It’s funny because I don’t really have a male partner right now, but that could change in the future. What I know for sure will never change is my decision to not have children. Not now, not ever. 

I live alone and have seven beautiful cats. I have been very independent since I finished college. I don’t like to live with other people because I am also an introvert, so I need a lot of time by myself. Cats, on the other hand, are the most precious company I could ask for. They remind me of myself because they are also very independent. One of them, Jerry, is 11 years old, and he has traveled out of the country with me twice. The others are: Lily (3 years old), Debby (2), and Jimmy, Charlie, Abby, and Anny (all four of them 11 months old). The last four were born in my house, when I adopted Debby, the night she was giving birth to them. Debby and Lily were stray cats that I adopted and neutered. Jerry was born where I used to work at the time, but someone was trying to find homes for the kitties, and I adopted the one nobody else wanted because he was the smallest one. He is now a huge, gorgeous, spoiled, and still very healthy senior cat. 

I am sort of retired now. I don’t have plans to work in education anymore. I am lucky enough to be able to make a living without working. My mom gave me a very big house that I sold to buy a much smaller one where I now live. I invested the rest of the money, and now I make a living out of the interests. I am an occasional freelance, though. As I am bilingual, I do translations for a couple of lawyers in my country when they need my services. In 2018, I got a job as the vice-principal in a private school, but when I read the contract and noticed some things, I just refused to sign and didn’t accept the job. I haven’t been actively looking for a job since then because I realized that I didn’t want to go back to that life. I chose my peace over making more money.  I was lucky that when the pandemic started, I was already retired, so I could continue to focus on my mental health. 

I think this is a very good overview of who I am and where I am in life now. My experience with bipolar and how having a wrong diagnosis for years made it all so hard should be a post of its own. Also, little by little, I’ll pour my soul here because I am in the process of figuring stuff out, and I can only do that when I write. You see? I learned from a very early age not to express wants or needs, and I got so used to being low-maintenance that now when I try to identify MY wants and needs, I have a really hard time. I cannot express them; I cannot even differentiate them from the wants and needs of other people that I tend to put first. However, when I write, it’s like I open a door to my psyche that allows me to see things I didn’t know were there. That’s the main reason why I want to start doing this again. I need to know what I want in life because right now I feel very much stuck.

If you read all this, thank you very much. I’ll come back soon with more. For now, this is me. This is Charlie.

[mischiefmanifold]

Hi!

I’ve been seeing someone who I suspect may have undiagnosed npd. I’m trying to educate myself more about this, but so much of the info is negative and ableist.

He puts himself down to get more validation and has low empathy. The relationship is really on “his time”. He struggles with anxiety and depression when “little things” go wrong. But there’s none of these “abusive” symptoms present like gaslighting, or putting down others, or belittling me. I enjoy being with him and know that there would be things we need to work on together, but everything online is all “break up immediately, narcissists can never love you back”. He’s human and dealing with trauma just like a lot of other people, and I think it’s shit that all I can find is advice from abled people saying to just leave. What advice do you have as someone with npd?

Hi, Anon!

I think it’s very sweet that you want to help your boyfriend, and I agree that the vast majority of resources on NPD are ableist and horribly stigmatizing.

I can really relate to your description of your boyfriend’s traits because that’s how my NPD presents for a good amount of my alters. I would like to point out that as of the most recent revised DSM criteria, manipulation/abuse is NOT a symptom. It can absolutely be a negative manifestation of traits and bad choices made on the part of the person who has NPD, but nobody with NPD is inherently abusive or manipulative and abuse/manipulation is not a criteria to be diagnosed with NPD.

So yes, based on your description of him, he could possibly have NPD. You say he’s dealing with trauma, so he could (also?) have a disorder like PTSD/C-PTSD that could be causing these symptoms.

My advice is to be patient with him, to help him as much as possible while not allowing him to break your boundaries and hurt you. Maybe bring up the traits you’ve been noticing in him (if he’s okay with you voicing your observations) and if he has a therapist or psychiatrist he can bring these symptoms up with them. Make sure to voice when you’ve been hurt, even accidentally, because often traumatized people struggle with realizing when we’ve hurt others.

[ Please acknowledge that Mars’ inbox is not a substitute for professional observation and opinion. If you are experiencing symptoms that are concerning to you, please seek professional help as soon as possible. Some of the conditions and symptoms Mars speaks about on xer page can be dangerous or even deadly and often have long-lasting effects when not treated. Do not neglect your health. ]

[adhbabey]

Hi! I'm sorry for bothering you. I just started to follow you recently because of all the material about adhd. (The checklist is great btw)

I am afab and I've been thinking for some time now (three years more or less) that I might have ADHD. Of course I made quite a lot of research and I present many of the traits (and my dad does too) but I have imposter syndome because I was never diagnosed (even though my mom is a psychologist for children) and I always did good in school (I know that adhd people can do good in school but still it contributes to my imposter syndome). I mentioned once to my mom that I thought I might have it and she said it doesn't exist so I never mentioned it again with her.

Anyway, I noticed that things have gotten worst lately. I can't focus at all and I don't get anything done even though I make lists of the things I need to do and I'm having quite a lot of mental breakdowns about it. So I finally decided to talk about it with my therapist after making all the tests and checklists I could find online. Of course I was super anxious because obviously I expected her to say I don't have it. I prepared the checklist but when it told her I thought I have it i was so anxious I couldn't bring myself to pull out the checklist and also couldn't remember more than like four traits. She said she didn't think I have it which made me feel the imposter syndrome so much more I cried afterwards. This was a week ago and I still feel that way and even now I feel like I shouldn't be here talking about this because I don't have ADHD and I have no idea what to do. And I don't know I think I just needed to vent about it with someone who knows what it feels like. Again sorry for bothering you and I hope you have a nice day. 💕

"" she said it doesn't exist so I never mentioned it again with her. "" yeah thats the huge sign of a parent that just denies their children's disorder </3 !! Imposter syndrome should just be a symptom of ADHD at this point, literally almost everyone with undiagnosed ADHD experienced some type of denial surrounding ADHD.

Send them an email about the ADHD checklist and give them your answers along with it. Because you do have these symptoms if you relate to the whole thing. And this is proof. Anyone who has any questions about this can send me and ask about it. I've been diagnosed with ADHD and wrote that checklist based on my own experience. I know it's reputable, and it's validating. People can just look up the symptoms words themselves if they don't believe me.

I know you are scared, but please, you need to self advocate! You are not going to get a diagnosis unless you wholeheartedly believe and stand up for yourself. People don't know your internal symptoms unless you tell them! I am certain from the way you speak to me, that you have it, but I unfortunately cannot test you. I would if I could.

It's 100% okay to self diagnose, I did it before I got an official diagnosis. There's nothing wrong with you for self diagnosing. There's nothing wrong with it. It's okay to say it, please believe in yourself. I believe in you. I know how common your feelings are among those with ADHD. It's so clear.

Also, ADHD can get worse esp with bad days. It's gotten worse for me when I have no structure in my life (out of highschool), also if you have no medication, it can be hard to just live with executive dysfunction in general. So, please, please believe in yourself about your symptoms. Your experience is SO COMMON among the community, you're not alone. Please trust yourself, please.

My apologies for not answering this sooner! I'm off my meds so it's hard to do things sometimes! But yeah, please, trust me. Your experience is real.